(Street musician approaching)
(Applause)
Good evening and welcome to Com-mit.
One of the greatest stars of the silent film era was Tarquin Mordente,
who is with us in the studio this evening.
Mr. Mordente starred in such huge successes as...
The squaw man,
Dracula,
Sunset Boulevard,
The Sheik, and The rabbi.
Mr Mordente, with the onset of talking pictures,
your fame seemed to recede a little,
we saw very little of you after that.
To what do you attribute your rapid decline as a star
with the advent of the talking pictures?
(Rasping voice) Well I couldn't really say actually.
All I can tell you is that with the advent of the talkies,
nobody asked me to play another part.
Did you inquire from the producers why they weren't using you?
I asked them several times of course.
but they never gave me a satisfactory answer.
- You never got a satisfactory answer. - No.
Have you made any films since 1928?
No, not made any films, I did make one commercial actually.
I made a commercial for fly repellent.
- For fly repellent. - Yes.
- And what part did you play? - I played the fly.
- Wonderful, Maybelle. - Maybelle, lovely, buzz buzz.
And then I fell down dead when they squirted me.
I'm afraid I haven't seen that film, has it been released?
No, they burnt it.
Mr Mordente, do you think your sudden failure as an international star
could in any way be attributed to your rather distinctive speaking voice?
No. What do you mean? It's perfectly normal.
Well, you do tend to speak sort of, "rather like this". (Imitates rasp)
I certainly do not!
- Oh I thought you did. - No...!
Oh, I beg your pardon, I beg your pardon.
At any rate, Mr. Mordente is now going to accompany himself on the piano,
as we see one of his earlier successes, the chique.
(Piano music)
(Applause)
And that's why talking pictures will never last.
And now, our guests from America,
Goldie And The Gingerbreads.
# Every time I see you lookin' round me
# Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?
# Through the park or walkin' down the highway
# Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?
# When you move up close to me
# I get a feeling like oo-oo-ee Yeah!
# Did you hear the poundin' of my heartbeat?
# You're the one I lo-ove
# You're the one I love
# Can I feel you put your arms around me?
# Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?
# When I'm glad, I'm mighty glad you found me
# Baby, baby, can't you hear my heartbeat?
# When you asked me to meet your ma
# I knew that, baby, we'd be going far Yeah!
# Can't you hear the pounding of my heartbeat?
# You're the one I lo-ove
# You're the one I love
# Wedding bells are going to chime
# And baby, baby, you're gonna be mine Yeah!
# Can't you hear the pounding of my heartbeat?
# You're the one I lo-ove You're the one I lo-ove
♪ You're the one I lo-ove... ♪
Every so often in television a breakthrough occurs
and tonight, we're going to attempt one.
We've invited an eminent painter to come along
and in the given allotted time, produce a painting,
a masterpiece, or whatever.
Well, at the moment our studio manager is putting the audience at its ease.
...putting that fag out, sir, thank you very much.
It's not me, it's BBC regulations. Right.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
it's very nice to see such a warm crowd here tonight.
Er, as you know, you're here on a rather important occasion,
this is a sort of departure in television.
Er, as you probably know,
we are going to have an artist come to the studio
and paint a picture.
We're going to see an artist actually in the process of creation.
Er, we're going to catch him,
er, on the job, as it were.
(Laughter)
Thank you...
Thank you very much, you're very kind. Erm...
(Laughter)
Now, er, let me explain, first and foremost,
that you're here to enjoy yourselves.
That's what you're here for.
But we do crave your indulgence in one small area,
that of applause.
We do need a little applause to bring the guest on,
so if you would bear with me, I wonder if you wouldn't mind going through it.
When I go like this, it means applaud. When I go like this, it means fade.
Can we try a rehearsal, if you don't mind?
Applause, applause, applause.
- (Applause) - Fade...
(Applause fades, man shouts)
Right... Thank...Thank you very much, sir.
Right, er, I think a couple of us made a few mistakes there, didn't we?
- Er... - (Laughter)
Right, erm, let's try it once more, shall we?
Right. Applause, applause, applause.
(Applause)
- And...fade. - (Applause fades)
Wonderful. Great.
Oh...yes...yes, the producer's just asked me to tell you
that you're being very sweet and cooperative about this,
thank you very much indeed.
(Laughter)
Oh. excuse me a moment, the producer wants to talk to me again.
(Woman's voice)
Er, yes.
He's still in make-up.
Oh, he's on his way now, right. Fine.
Good. Right.
Er, ladies and gentlemen, the great moment.
Erm, I'd like you to give a warm
but discreet welcome
to the internationally famous
British portrait painter,
Sir Gregory Humble.
(Applause)
Thank you very much. I'm afraid I got lost in the corridors...
Yes, he's a bit older than we thought but make-up can take care of that.
- ...I hope I'm not late. - Yes. Er, right.
I know he's been to make-up, he can go back again, OK?
Erm, Sir Gregory, it's very nice to have you here today,
we're very honoured that you have taken the time
to inaugurate this program, thank you very much...
Thank you very much, it's a wonderful privilege to be here this evening.
Well, there's not much we can do about it now, is there?
- Erm... - Is something wrong?
Er, well, erm...
No, not exactly, it's, erm, just, er...
You don't happen to have another suit with you, do you?
- Er, not on me, no. This is... - No.
- No, fine. Great. - ...the one I have. Is it all right?
Great Great Fine. Lovely.
No, it's just that we thought that
performing in front of ten million people and, er,
being an artist and so forth, you might have worn something gayer.
- This is the gayest thing I have. - Nobody told me about it, did they?
Right?
Right, let's get on with it, please. Er, props, could we have the stuff.
- I hope it won't detract at all... - No, it's all right.
There's your easel, of course.
Ah, the easel, my old friend.
And of course the palette.
- That's the palette, yes? - And the brushes.
And you got all the colours here - red, green and, erm, yellow.
- Yes, I recognize those. - Yes, fine.
Erm, now, where d'you wanna stand? Is this all right?
Er, wherever is convenient for you.
That OK? Right.
- That's all right. - Fine, I'll just mark you.
Hold on. Right.
Touch of green. Yeah? Right.
Now, for goodness' sake, don't move from those, erm, marks...
- I'm not allowed to move from there? - You're not allowed...
I wonder if I can move my feet a little, they're parallel and I might, er,
topple over if...
Well, I wish you wouldn't because we...
It's fixed now, if you don't mind...
- I'll stay with this. - If you wouldn't mind.
Right, settle down now, studio...
I realize time's going on, I'm more aware of it that you are.
We'll try a rehearsal...
- This is the rehearsal, is it? - Yes. What I want...
Do I use the paints this time?
- No, you can mime the painting. Erm... - Right.
What I want you to do is paint away for four minutes, right?
- Four minutes. - When I give you this sign,
- it means 60 seconds to go. - 60 seconds.
- When I do this, it means wind up. - Wind up.
When I do this it means stop what you're doing,
put your brushes down on the palette, step back, a lettering artist comes in,
puts your signature to the painting -
he's got it very well, and, er, there we are, OK?
So, there it is, er,
wind up, er, 60 seconds to go...
I'm giving him the bloody signs.
- I'm sorry, you were saying? - Sorry, you were saying?
I go now, from here...
- Shh, right, here we go. - Is this real? No.
No, this is a rehearsal. And...cue!
Erm...
Greg, love, what are you doing?
I was thinking where to place the paints.
Well, don't think, just paint, mate, because we've only got six minutes.
I thought we had four, only.
No, it's six because it's, you know, the intro and the applause and things.
(Woman's voice)
Look, you do your bloody job, I'll do mine.
What is this?
Just try once again. OK?
And...cue!
- Hold it, studio, hold it! - Sorry.
Hold it, Greg. Hold it Hold it.
Hold it. Hold it.
You gonna move, Greg?
I think I'll have to move, yes, to reach the canvas.
He wants to move.
- All right, yes, you can move. - Is that all right?
- Thank you. I'm sorry about... - You come and bloody well try, then!
- OK... - I've split the canvas.
- That's all right, just go ahead. Right? - Now...
And...cue!
- (Woman's voice) - Eh?
No, it's not...
What?
Well, this is what he does, isn't it?
- What you do, isn't it? - Yes, this is my art.
Yes...
It's what he does, yes.
All right, I'll have a word. Erm...
Greg, Greg, Greg...
Greg, love, erm...
I...I don't want you to take what I'm gonna say the wrong way.
- No. - Erm...
Now, you see,
I think it's great.
- Well, it's not finished yet... - No, I think it's great.
- I think it's great, you think it's great. - Well...
They don't know it's great, I mean, for an audience, it's a bit too confused.
It's abstract at the moment, yes.
I know, but, you see,
if you don't mind, I think we ought to just remember
that the tonal range of the cameras is a bit limited.
Of course, yes.
And I think it's a question of applying more the principles of the early Cubists,
rather than this sort of rubbish.
- Can I take over a minute? - There is a...
- I'm sorry, yes. - I'd just like to show you what I mean.
You see, I think, this is showing too much
of the romantic tendencies of the Paris school.
Could you just... Hold on, these are a bit in my way. Erm...
- (Woman's voice) - I think what we need here
is the tight, plastic feeling...
- Yes, yes... - ...of the Blue Riders.
- Er, a more direct approach, you see. - Very well, then.
- All right, studio. - So the cameras pick it up.
- And there's no problem with the audience. - Cue.
Oh, right.
Erm, applause, applause, applause.
(Applause)
(Jazz)
(Applause)
And now mr. Roddy Maude-Roxby.
À propos mr. Tarquin Mordente: films.
At last they're making the film to end all films.
Mr. Dino Dela... Delalala Laurentiis is filming the bible.
But, the part of it that I'm going to watch for,
is John Hustons sequence of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
Mr. Huston has been quoted as saying,
"I will show them on the screen, naked as god made them, but with taste."
Now, in 1956, I saw a film called "Adam and Eve",
the same subject, made with great taste and imagination.
I hope Mr. John Huston has seen it too.
In this film, the part of Adam was played by Mr. Mexico,
only about this big, slightly taller than Tarquin Mordente,
but he had lovely muscles, looked marvellous on the screen,
you'd never know he's only that big in real life.
Eve played by Miss France, only about that big, everything else, lovely.
In fact, overpowering on the wide screen. That wide.
Beginning of the film, the word of god went ouf over the desert.
The dust started blowing about,
all the dust blowing, and forming up in the shape of a man.
Took a few shuddering lens changes to happen.
A few more shudders... There was Mr Mexico,
lying on his back, out in the wilderness.
Lying on his back, like this.
Very slowly, his hand start moving up over the top of him,
and feeling about, and then down towards him.
He went, "Oh! I say, that's marvellous!" Never seen a hand before in his life.
No! Please imagine it. It's a terrifying thing,
seeing a great hand coming down towards you, when you don't know what it is.
He didn't know what it was. He didn't know what HE was.
He might have been anything lying out there. He didn't know. He didn't.
He might have been a vegetable or a marrow. He had no idea.
He had to feel about. Then he discovered he was a man.
Very exciting. He got up.
He got up, and he started walking about the Garden of Eden.
And he's got this marvellous dreamlike walk,
like a man who'se never walked before in his life.
Set off across the Garden of Eden, like this.
Bit of a problem when you want to turn round. It's a bit of a shot through there.
Then he was off again in the other direction.
It's like one of those Marcel Marceau walks, you know, the Frenchman.
As a matter of fact, you know, he was wearing something.
You'd have to wear something if you're making a film like that.
You would. It was in colour. That makes a difference. Anyway...
He went round the garden.
After he'd passed the same plastic plants a couple of times, he lay down.
I knew, he's going to sleep.
I knew they're coming to the bit I wanted to see: the creation of Eve.
That's why I went to the film in the first place. I want to see Eve, of course.
I want to see god pulling the rib out, slapping the meat on, building her up.
No. That had been cut. They probably saw it on the continent, not in England.
All we got in England was a few more shuttering lens changes.
She was in there, lying beside him. Then she got up.
Actually, very much easier for her, to move about the garden.
Generally, she went about like this. Very much easier for her.
Very much simpler going around the garden for her.
Of course they, you know, she had her haid plastered down, I'm sure,
because she lent over water, we saw everything staying in place,
quite safe, get the hand there just in case.
Didn't trust the glue, see.
Didn't mind swinging her back to the camera, not a bit.
Didn't worry her. Probably being slapped all over Europe. Didn't worry her.
Then, then they came to the only disappointing part of the whole film:
The snake. Hopeless.
No, they're marvellous things you can do with a snake in a film.
It was absolutely useless. It was like that rigid.
Looked like a golf club. Probably was a golf club.
Down it came, pointing at the apple.
Once it had gone, though, Eve knew about the apple.
She wanted it. She came down after it.
She couldn't do it, you see, she had to call down Mr. Mexico.
Adam came walking down.
Then he got this marvellous idea!
Up there, you've got it. Give it to her, she took it, she ate, munch munch,
she gave it to him, he took it, and he ate, munch munch.
And suddenly they realised they were naked.
Because up to then, they didn't know. Imagine that, they didn't know.
Once they'd eaten, they knew. You knew too, it was obvious.
They covered themselves up. They went off in the bushes.
A moment later they came back,
they got these great big rubber plastic fig leaves touching the top of their belts.
Ridiculous! Much too big, they were like that.
Well, I know censorship's difficult, but really...
Anyway, once they got them on, it did lift the film at this point,
because they were so less inhibited.
They were dashing about, jumping about, doing things they'd never done before.
As a matter of fact, you know, they were very pleased wearing them.
I know, they were smiling.
They didn't do that very much before, it was more concentration than smiling.
Anyway. Then the angel of the lord appeared.
Said, "Get out of the garden! Push off!"
Off they went, smiling happily. Got the plastic and all off...
Change the end of the story really, that was a pity.
But... the great thing about this films was,
it showed why we wear clothes in the first place.
And why? Because it makes us so much freeer with our hands, our movements.
The, erm...the holiday season is just beginning
and in the same way as English organizations such as the RAC and the AA
are publishing guides to the continent,
a French organization, the Guide Rosé, has been taking a look at London.
Here is their report on London's North Circular roadway.
(Man) Ze North Circular winds its circuitous way
from 'Arlesden in ze west to 'Ackney in ze east.
Picturesque villas line this historic roadway.
Worth a visit, too, are the numerous
and varied and beautiful islands that dot the route,
each one wiz a character of its own.
Archaeological surveys are always of interest to the passing tourist
and the populace has a native Anglo-Saxon wit.
(Honks horn)
Here we see a local abbé visiting on some of his parishioners.
The sun-seeking travellers are helped on their way
by cheerful gendarmes.
- Game abounds here. Vive la chasse. - (Horn honks)
Numerous restaurants and bistros line this picturesque roadway.
The pride of these is the Cafe De Fred.
I was recommended to Fred by one of my fellow inspectors.
According to him, Monsieur Fred has built his reputation by working hard.
He clings doggedly to modest prices,
and has been noted for his courtesy.
And so, throughout the years, Fred has prospered
A native cockney, Fred was born within the sight of bow legs.
What gastronomic delights are in store for us here.
Monsieur Fred caters for a large, varied and discriminating clientele.
(Music: "I'm a loser" by The Beatles)
Here, chez Fred, one may eat a table load,
or, if one so desires, one can choose the à la carte.
Fred has an interesting cellar, so ask for the sauce list.
Mil neuf soixante cinq, an excellent year for the sauce de mummy.
In a happy, Bohemian atmosphere such as this,
the Englishman loses his traditional conservatism.
So feel free to engage your neighbours in good natured conversation.
You may, who knows, even meet a member of the RR, RAC, or some other official body.
Hello, cheeky.
But time's inexorable call will urges us on our way.
And so, refreshed, we continue on our journey.
To the tourist from la belle France visiting the North Circular,
we say good luck, bonne chance,
bonne route.
Remember, keep to the left,
and above all, défense de manger.
(Applause)
- All right, Pete, then, are you? - Not too bad, you know.
- Not too bad. Cheers. - Cheers.
- What've you been doing lately, then? - Quiet, pretty quiet.
- Not been up to much. - No.
Had a spot of the usual trouble the other day.
Oh, did you? What happened?
Spot the usual trouble,
I come home about half past 11, we'd been having a couple of drinks, remember?
- That's right. - I come home about half past 11
and, you know, feeling a bit tired, so, you know, thought I'd go to bed,
- take me clothes off and so on. - Yeah.
Right, yeah. Don't you take your clothes off before you go to bed?
Er, no, I made that mistake this time, I, er, got it the wrong way round.
Anyway, I got into bed, er, settled down.
I was just about, you know,
- reading the Swiss Family Robinson. - Good, isn't it?
It's a lovely book, Dud, it's a lovely book.
And I got up to about page 483, second paragraph...
- Yeah. - When suddenly, bring bring.
- Bring bring. - What's that?
- That's a phone, going, "Bring bring." - Oh...yeah.
So, I picked up the phone and you know who it was?
Who?
Bloody Betty Grable.
Calling transatlantic, bloody Betty Grable.
I said, "Look, Betty, what do you think you're doing,
- "calling me up at half past 11 at night?" - Yeah.
She said, "It's half past two in the afternoon over here."
I said, "I don't care what bloody time it is, there's no need to wake me up."
She said, "Peter, Peter, get on a plane.
"Come dance with me, be mine tonight."
I thought it was the middle of the afternoon.
Yeah, what she probably meant was be mine tonight, tomorrow afternoon our time.
Yeah. The problem is... No, didn't she mean tomorrow afternoon...
Their time. Anyway, "Be mine tonight", she said.
I said, "Look, Betty, we've had our laughs, we've had our fun
"but it's all over." - Yeah.
I said, "Stop pestering me, get back to Harry James and his trumpet."
"Stop pestering me", I said.
I slammed the phone down and said, "Stop pestering me."
Shouldn't you have said it before you slammed the phone down?
- I should've, yeah. My mistake. - Yeah.
It's funny you should say that,
'cause a couple of nights. ago, you remember we had a couple of drinks?
I remember that, yeah.
- I come home, you know. - Yeah.
I was going to bed, felt a bit tired, was having a nightcap.
Yeah, course you were.
I was just dropping off nicely and I heard this hollering in the kitchen.
- Hollering. - And screaming and banging on the door.
- I thought I must've left the gas on. - Yeah.
So...
- I, er, I go down there. - Yeah.
I fling open the door,
you'll never guess, there's bloody Anna Magnani up to her knees in rice,
screaming at me.
"Laissez-moi entrate, amore me por favore."
- Italian? - Italian, yeah.
Was covered in mud, she grabbed hold of me.
Pulled me all over the floor, she had one of them see-through blouses on.
- All damp, showing everything? - Yeah. And she...
We rolled all over the floor.
I picked her up, I said, "Get out of here!
"You Italian...thing." I said "Get out the door!"
- I said, er... - "You Italian thing".
- Yeah, I said... - A good thing to call 'em.
I said, "Don't you come here mess up my rice again, mate."
I should hope not.
I had the same bloody trouble about two nights. ago.
- Yeah. - I come in, about half past eleven at night.
We'd been having a...
couple of drinks, I remember.
I come in, I get into bed, you see,
feeling quite sleepy.
I can feel the lids of me eyes beginning to droop.
- Yeah. - Bit droopy, the eyes.
I was just about to drop off, when suddenly,
tap, tap, tap, at the bloody window pane.
- I looked out, you know who it was? - Who?
Bloody Greta Garbo.
Stark naked...
save for a shorty nightie.
She was hanging on to the windowsill...
And I could see...I could see...
I could see her knuckles all white, she was hanging on so much.
Saying, "Peter, Peter,
"Fons noyn nenovoyn neso..."
- You know how these bloody Swedes go on. - Yeah.
- I said, "Get out of it!" - Yeah.
Bloody Greta Garbo. She wouldn't go, she wouldn't go.
- I had to smash her down with a broomstick. - Yeah.
And poke her off the windowsill and she fell down onto the pavement
with a great crash.
- She had a... - She just a nightie on, is that all?
- That's all she had on, Dud, just a... - She-through?
- A see-through shorty nightie. - Yeah...Diaphanous.
- Nothing else. - Yeah.
Except for her dark glasses, of course.
- Dreadful business. - It's funny you should say that, 'cause...
Yeah. Funny I should say that.
Yeah, four nights. ago, I come home.
- We'd been having a couple of drinks. - Drinks, yeah.
- I come home, I come through the door. - Yeah.
- And, er... (Sniffs) - Sniff.
(Sniffs) Sniff, sniff, I went, you know. "Funny smell," I thought.
"Smells like wood burning."
- Probably burning wood, Dud. - What's that?
Burning Wood? That's a perfume, worn by sensual, earthy women
Oh.
Funny you should say that, 'cause I come in the bathroom.
- Yeah. - It's a bit stronger here, you know.
"That's funny." And, er, come in the bedroom, you know.
- "It's getting ridiculous, this smell, you know." - Burning wood.
- And, so I get into bed, you know. - Yeah.
Turn the covers back. It's a bit warm in bed.
I thought, "That's funny, being warm like that"
- Being warm. - And I get into bed,
I put out the light and was just going off to kip.
- Yeah. - And suddenly, I feel a hand on my cheek.
Which, er...which cheek was that, Dud?
Come on, which cheek was it?
And...
- It was the left upper. - Left upper.
I said...
I thought, you know, "That's funny..."
I turned on the light...
- Bloody hand here, scarlet fingernails. - Yeah, who was it?
- You'll never guess, bloody Jane Russell. - Jane Russell?
Jane Russell in bed with me, stark naked.
I said, "Jane!"
- With the huge... - With the things. I said...
- "Jane", I said, "Get out of here." - Get out.
I said, "You may be mean, moody and magnificent
but as far as I'm concerned it's all over." - Quite right.
I threw her... I took her out the bed, I threw her down the stairs,
I threw her bra and her gauze panties after,
threw 'em down there.
And her green silk scarf, said, "Get out of here!"
- Kick her out... - "Get out of here, you hussy!" I said.
I threw her light... Her tight... No, her...her...
her fag holder, I threw it down the stairs after her...
I threw a bucket of water over her, I said, "Get out of here, you hussy!"
I said, "Don't come in my bed again, mate, it's disgusting."
- Yeah. - Terrible. I was shocked to the quick.
Quite right, you've got to do something about these women who pester you...
- They go on and on. - Yeah.
- What you doing tonight, then?
Well, I thought we might go to the pictures.
- Right. - Good idea?
Yes.
(Applause)
(Seductive music)
Yes, excuse my, sorry dear.
# There... are... girls
# just ripe for some kissing (That's right.)
# And I mean to kiss me a few!
# Oh those girls don't know what they're missing,
# There's such a lot of living to do!
# Oh there's wine just ripe for some tasting
# And there's Cadillacs all shiny and new!
# And I've got to move, cause time is a-wasting,
# There's such a lot of living to do!
(Coughs)
# Music to hear, places to go, people to see!
# Everything for you and me!
# Life's a ball, if only you know it
# And it's all just waiting for you
# You're alive, So come on and show it
# There's such a lot of living to do!
# There's music to play,
# Places to go,
# people to see!
# Everything for you and me!
# Life's a ball, if only you know it
# And it's all just waiting for you
# You're alive,
# So come on and show it
# There's such... a...
# lot... of...
# living to do!
One more time, please.
Down, 'cause there's this bird...
Down, down! Can we do it again?
'Cause there's this bird down here.
Can we do it again?
One more time, please.
# Now is the time to say goodbye.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
# Now is the time to yield a sigh
# Now is the time to wend away
# Until we meet again
# Some sunny day
# Goodbye - Goodbye.
# Goodbye, we're leaving you
# Goodbye, we wish you fond goodbye
# Fa-ta-ta-ta, fatatata.
We like to say thank you to lovely Christine Child.
Miss Sheila Steafel.
The sexy Roddy Maude-Roxby.
And finally, Ringo's favourite group from America, Goldie and the Gingerbreads.
(Stuck record style:) Goodbye-goodbye- goodbye- goodbye-goodbye-goodbye...
- Here, do you know you've got dandruff? - I bloody haven't!