ALL: ♪ Don't show up ♪
♪ Don't come out ♪
♪ Don't start caring about me now ♪
♪ Walk away ♪
♪ You know how ♪
♪ Don't stop caring
- ♪ About me now ♪ - [POLICE SIREN WAILING]
Okay, all right, all right.
Remember, kids, always pull over
quickly so that first responders can respond first.
Their service deserves our gratitude and respect.
Dad, this cop is pulling you over.
Oh, come on. Come off it.
♪ It's true ♪
♪ The marriage that we once had now is through ♪
♪ And now we're doing all that we can do ♪
♪ To keep us all together as a crew ♪
♪ Just do as we say, not as we do ♪
♪ We really thought that we were done ♪
♪ But we've just begun ♪
Dad, if the speed limit's 80, I only saw you hit 76.
Jimmy, when the cop gets here, zip it.
Hello, Officer.
How may I help you?
Well, you can stop by acting like
we're not at a Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru.
I clocked you at 85. What's the big hurry?
Oh, we were attending a Dua Lipa concert.
Uh, Ms. Lipa puts a little giddyap in my go,
if you know what I'm saying. [CHUCKLES]
No, I don't know what you're saying.
Oh. Wow.
Trey Taylor, the owner of the Celtics.
'Tis I, Officer.
'Tis?
You know, I gotta say, regardless
of how the Celtics have been playing lately,
you got nothing to be ashamed of.
- I appreciate that. - I agree.
I mean, despite valid criticisms of some recent front office moves,
these talk radio schmucks ought to leave Trey alone and tackle
the despair that the Patriots have lately perpetrated
on our commonwealth. Am I right?
Don't go dragging Bill Belichick into this.
Oh, no, I was just...
Bill Belichick has brought immeasurable joy into my life.
Coach Belichick is a great man.
A great man. An icon, a giant.
It's why I named my son after him.
- Wait, my name's... - Not now, Billy.
Hey, would you mind autographing a basketball for me?
Only if you'll accept it as a gesture
of my gratitude for all you do in service to this fair city.
This guy.
You know, in light of all the things
that your charitable foundation does for the city of Boston,
I'm going to let your fair-weather Pats
fan of a driver here off with a warning.
Oh, no, I'm not his driver.
I'm his fiancée's ex-husband.
Wow.
How magnanimous of you.
To give your fiancée's ex a job?
My ex's fiancé is lucky he's not at the bottom
of the Charles River.
I'll be back in two secs.
Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
Thank God you're not going to the slammer, Dad.
Don't thank God. Thank Trey.
He's the one signing the ball to save Dad.
Trey's your Get Out of Jail Free card.
- You're a superhero, Trey. - Super Trey-Man.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, kids, go on.
- Here you are, Mr. Taylor. - Oh.
There you are.
You know, listen up there, Vin Diesel.
Your lawbreaking reflects poorly upon Mr. Taylor.
So why don't you take a little fast out of that furious,
or next time I'll give you a ticket you'll cry about?
You got me?
Well, while I appreciate the gesture, Officer,
I'd like the ticket now.
- You want the ticket? - I want the ticket.
- I'm not giving you a ticket. - Please give me the ticket.
I don't care how nicely you ask me. I'm not giving you a ticket.
It's my constitutional right to pay the piper when
the piper requires payment.
Ask me one more time, I'll take you in for psych eval.
Just slow the hell down.
Oh, Mr. Taylor, thank you.
You know what, here's my card.
If you're ever in a rush, or even if you're not in a rush,
give me a buzz. I'll spin the siren and clear the way for you.
Go, Celtics!
Because of Trey, the laws don't apply to us anymore, Dad.
- Yes, they do. - Not when Trey's around.
Trey, will you take us shoplifting?
Pick the day, Jimmy. Pick the day.
Trey, Trey!
[BOTH CHANTING] Trey, Trey, Trey, Trey!
♪ Say my name ♪
- Trey. - ♪ Say it again ♪
Yeah!
All right, now, kids, remember, if you
find yourself in my position, be grateful, be humble.
And if not, you best be sure you don't cross Johnny Law.
Am I right, Jim?
Hey. How was the concert?
- Amazing. - So good.
Breathtaking.
Mom, when Dua Lipa dances, it makes me wish
I was a piece of her clothing.
When I was your age, I wanted to be a piece
of Janet Jackson's clothing.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, Jim, did Dua Lipa disappoint you?
Dua Lipa could never disappoint me.
Trey, you know what would make
a perfect end to this evening?
Some of your famous ice cream sundaes.
- Yes! - You don't have to tell me twice.
To the kitchen we ride!
[BOTH CHANTING] Trey, Trey, Trey, Trey!
Say my name! Say my name!
You look sad.
- I'm not sad. - You don't look happy.
I'm not happy.
So tell me what you look like.
Concerned.
Startled.
Some might say shook.
Look, I was gonna sleep on this, Julia,
but I'm afraid we have an issue.
I got pulled over for speeding tonight.
So you meant you have an issue.
[LAUGHS]
I'm sorry I'm laughing.
It's happening involuntarily. How much was the ticket?
I got off with a warning.
Did you cry and tell him that your mom died?
That's what I'd do.
Come on. Now, where's the victory smile?
My victory smile is in hibernation
because we still have an issue, an issue named Trey.
How is Trey the issue?
Your fiancé got me off.
Out. Trey got me out of the ticket.
That bastard.
It was alarming.
Apparently, the coin of the realm
is no longer character, conduct, and contrition.
It's fame, wealth, and status.
Let's focus on what's really alarming,
you speeding like a maniac with our children on board.
Oh, 85 is not maniacal.
And I would have paid my fair share of the Boston PD's
revenue-raising shakedown, had officer Jock
Sniffer McFanboy not made a complete mockery
of the rule of law.
I am afraid that our children's proximity to Teflon Trey
is poisoning their minds.
Trey has worked his whole life to get to where he is.
Well, I've haven't known him his whole life,
so I don't know if that's true.
But you know who hasn't worked hard?
Our kids. They have done nothing.
- Nothing. - Yeah, they're kids.
Yes, barely out of diapers, and they
expect the world is going to treat them the same way it treats him.
Roll out the red carpet and sprinkle it with caviar
and solid gold jelly beans.
Trey lives this ridiculous life of platinum rainbows
and limousine lemonade.
We are at a vital crossroads, Julia.
Trey's world is not the world our kids live in.
Hey, guys. We don't have any whipped cream,
so Trey's having a chef from the Ritz named ASAP
come over and bring us some.
Keep an ear out for the door, would ya?
See? They need to be taught that no one in the real world
is exempt from life's three unchangeable realities.
- Which are? - Pain, loss, and ceaseless struggle.
I think your instinct to sleep on this was correct.
Let's revisit this after you get a lobotomy.
Mom, you were right. Trey makes the best ice cream sundaes.
Trey, you gotta come to my basketball game tomorrow.
You're the family good luck charm.
It's at St. Mary's in Watertown, 20-minute drive.
But for you, only 10.
- Can't wait. - Can you take us to rob a bank after?
Bank first, and then we'll knock over a liquor store.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey.
Oh, are you ASAP?
[CHUCKLES] Thank you very much.
Kids, have at it.
There's extra for you, Jim.
- Hoo-hoo. - Hey, new pajamas.
I love your new pajamas.
Custom-made from Italy, on back order for a year.
- Feel me up. - Okay.
But you know what happens when I start touching you.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Oh, my god, what kind of material is this?
- This is Turkish mindworm silk. - Oh.
Essentially, the Kobe beef of silk.
Or maybe Kobe beef is the Turkish mindworm silk of beef.
Anyway, it was great being with Grace and Jimmy.
They're terrific kids.
They really seemed like they were interested in forming
a relationship with me.
It's because of how you are with them.
You constantly make an effort.
It's not an effort. It's fun.
Hm.
So how much do these pajamas cost?
- Three. - Hundred?
- Thousand. - $300,000?
- $3,000. - Oh.
[CHUCKLES] That's still a lot for pajamas.
Is it?
Jim mentioned that, uh, you got him out of a speeding ticket tonight.
Uh-uh. The cop was a fan. What can I say?
- I got fans. - Yes, you do, and I'm your biggest one.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Dagnabbit.
I got toothpaste on my PJs.
- Oh. - [SENSOR BEEPS]
Uh, hon...
Those PJs are garbage.
Say what?
Toothpaste wreaks havoc on mindworm silk.
Those things are basically ruined.
Well, why don't you just brush your teeth before you
put on your pajamas?
Because I'll be brushing my teeth naked.
Hey, give a girl a thrill.
Thankfully, I bought an extra pair.
Of course now I'm going to need a new backup pair.
I'll get some for you and the kids, too.
Give me everyone's sizes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, size zero for me.
But let's hold off on the kids.
You know, I don't want them to get used to wearing $3,000
pajamas, grow out of them, only to go back
to wearing real-world pajamas.
Why would they ever have to go back
to wearing real-world pajamas?
They live in my world now.
Jim thinks your lifestyle is poisoning the kids' minds.
Fine, I don't have to buy them pajamas.
Well, he said that you getting him out
of the speeding ticket gave them a warped impression
about how life works.
[SCOFFS]
Well, Jim is blowing this out of proportion.
Babe, I didn't big-time the cop.
I didn't say, do you know who I am?
The man handed me a basketball, and I signed it.
This is lunacy.
Jim was embarrassed, and now he's deflecting.
He does deflect when he's embarrassed.
He does.
Here I am, a self-made man, and I can't stand in my own
living room wearing my backup mindworm silk pajamas,
brushing my teeth without this hassle.
- I will talk to him. - No, no.
There will be no more talks around this issue.
In this family, there'll be no more
talking through each other.
We will talk to each other.
And Jim and I need to get on the same page.
Handle this man to man.
Oh!
Oh, God.
Almost ruined my fourth pair this year.
Jim, that's some shower you've got.
Dad, you got a shower at your place.
Not like your shower.
Your shower, the water falls from above
like a gentle summer rain.
My shower smacks me in the face by just having
the nerve to clean myself.
Yesterday, I almost lost a nipple.
Well, you can use mine any time.
Can I use your new butt washer you got?
The bidet? That's Julia's. You gotta to ask her.
I am not going to ask my former daughter-in-law
if I can use her ass spritzer.
How's she going to know?
Oh, trust me. She'll know.
Hey, you all right?
I'm just thinking about the kids.
I'm worried that they're getting too spoiled
from hanging around with Trey.
Ha!
You should have seen yourself when I spoiled you.
Remember that Sting-Ray bike I got you with the banana seat?
Oh, I love that banana seat.
Every kid had a bike, but no one had
a Schwinn with a banana seat.
And, boy, were you a jackass about it.
- What? - Your bike doesn't have a banana seat?
'Cause my bike's a Schwinn Sting-Ray with a banana seat.
Hey, girls, want to ride on my banana seat?
See? It's shaped like a banana.
I wanted to take a sledgehammer to you and that banana seat.
But you snapped out of it eventually.
- What happened? - What always happens.
Life knocks you down.
In your case, Jeffy Droyel got a mini bike.
And all the girls who were riding on your banana seat
decided they'd rather go joyriding with Jeffy.
And I wanted to teach you about life,
so I did not buy you a mini bike.
I took your mini bike money and went to Atlantic City
and nearly got divorced.
And yet somehow you never won father of the year.
But look how great you turned out.
So you think the kids will be okay?
Son, Grace and Jimmy are good kids.
Trust your own influence on them.
Mm, yeah.
Thanks, Dad.
I needed that.
That's what I'm here for.
That plus the perfect water pressure.
Speaking of which, I'm going to go do a pinch and a rinse
before I go.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Plenty of seats, guys.
Feel free to spread out.
I'd like to have a word with you, Jim.
That's fine, but I can smell the fish
tacos you had for lunch.
So maybe a little daylight between us?
If you thought I was corrupting your kids' minds,
you should have just said so.
- I did say so. - Yeah, Julia, not to me.
You're a couple. Telling Julia is telling you.
If you want, I could tell Julia now that you should
never mind what I said before.
- I'm not poisoning your kids' minds. - I know you're not.
- I'm a positive force in their life. - I agree.
- And it's not my fault the cop let you go. - You're right.
I'm trying to argue with you here. What's the matter with you?
You know, I had a good night's sleep,
and my dad reminded me that I was once a young jackass.
And I agreed.
Wait, so in the light of day, you
are admitting that Trey is not trying to make
our kids into jackasses?
Yes, the new day has given me the clarity to know that Trey
is not corrupting our kids.
Look, pal, if I wanted to ask a cop for a favor,
it wouldn't have been that.
I'm a regular guy.
With a private jet, a basketball team, and a heart of gold.
And an apology from yours truly for overreacting
to your generosity and goodwill.
I gotta hand it to Jim.
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong.
But it takes just as big a man to accept that apology gracefully.
Maybe even a slightly bigger man.
But, hey, listen, this is not a competition.
Hey, Trey. Where's Mom?
She and your dad went to go get popcorn.
Oh, before the game starts,
can we get a photo with my friends Maeve and Chevonne?
Absolutely.
Maeve and Chevonne, say cheese.
- Cheese. - [CHUCKLES]
Grace said you have a private jet.
And that you'd take us to Tahiti on it.
- You're so nice. - [CHUCKLES]
Trey, this is so great.
I'm not sure they're the friends I'm going to bring.
I have to see how well they do on my homework first.
But thank you.
- Trey. - Yeah?
Told Coach Bernie here you'd give him
a coaching job with the Celtics if he runs
- today's offense through me. - Big fan.
I can't wait to tell my boss at Foot Locker to shove it.
Thank you.
I gave him your cell. He'll hit you up Monday.
Thanks for making it work.
Jim was right all along.
I had corrupted his children's minds.
And I could either admit that... not an option...
or take matters into my own hands.
Mm, I gotta say, Trey, your car smells
way better than the tea.
- Thanks for the ride. - Mm.
Hey, tough loss, Jimmy.
But you played your heart out.
Nah, my shot was off.
Shots.
You took all of them.
Players gotta play.
You fouled out before halftime.
I got no calls.
Trey, you need to set the referee
straight the next game. Tell him who's who and what's what.
Mm.
- Hey, you done with that? - Pretty much.
Trey, what the hell are you doing?
When I was six, I threw some trash out the car window.
I thought it was funny.
My dad didn't.
He told me that most of the kids in juvie
got sent there for littering.
I never forgot that.
And I never littered again, until that night.
Trey, stop it.
Just cleaning up. Grace, you done back there?
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
[SIGHS]
No, no, no. I'm still working on mine.
- How about you, Jimmy? - Can I throw it?
No. Trey, stop the car.
Yep!
Don't make me jump out.
You're not going to do that.
Ah, she's done it.
Lake Tahoe, 2010.
Granted, there was snow.
I just need some fresh air.
Everybody, just give me a minute, please.
[SIGHS]
- I'm going after her. - Yes, yes.
But as a man with two decades in your seat,
when Julia says, I just need a minute,
she's not asking for you to grant her the minute.
She's taking it.
So give her two minutes.
Then slowly walk after her,
and when you get within 10 yards
of her, or what I call the blast radius,
make sure that the first five words out of your mouth are,
I am so, so sorry.
I'm so sorry. Got it.
No, no, no.
I am so, so sorry.
You've got this.
Jules, I am so, so sorry.
I had it all worked out.
I was going to litter, and once I got pulled over by the police...
For littering?
Littering with abandon, like a crazy litter bug.
When they pulled me over and saw who I was...
I was going to say, give me that ticket.
I deserve that ticket.
Why?
When you and Jim went to get popcorn,
Jimmy Jr. was making changes to the Celtics coaching staff,
and Grace was booking time on my private jet.
So, yeah, I am poisoning your kids' minds.
Jim was right.
Why didn't you just say something?
Because Jim was right.
Look, Jules,
I'm sorry. I'm just no good at this parenting stuff.
Trey, none of us are good at it.
Jim was right this time.
You'll be right next time. Then I'll be right.
And we'll somehow all be wrong over and over again and again.
That's parenting... one long, unfolding,
unmitigated disaster.
I got a lot to learn on the parenting front.
Jim and I should have handled this.
But the good news is we've identified the problem.
- You. - Ha-ha.
[LAUGHS] I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- Ha, ha, ha, it's not funny. - No, we can fix this together.
You're part of the team now, you crazy litter bug.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I'm... I'm sorry I let it get to this.
We're not really going to tell Jim he was right, are we?
- Oh, hell no. - Okay.
[LAUGHS]
[TRUCK HORN BLARES]
This your car?
Uh, yes, Officer.
This is a no-standing zone.
Not only is your car standing, you have the keys
so no one can move it.
Officer, I am so, so sorry.
He was giving me a minute to think.
The sign says "no standing at any time,"
not "no standing unless he's giving you a minute to think."
I'm writing you a ticket.
Yes.
Did you just do a fist pump?
Yes.
You're Trey Taylor with the Celtics.
'Tis he.
Watch this, Mom.
You know, it's an absolute disgrace you haven't retired
Tiny Archibald's number yet.
Larry Bird doesn't win the title in 1981 without him.
- Agreed. - I wasn't even born when he played.
Excuses, excuses.
Here's your ticket.
Pay attention to the posted signs.
And do Tiny Archibald right.
Trey, Trey, I got this.
- No, this is me. - No, no, no.
You got me out of a very expensive speeding ticket.
That is my ticket. I want that ticket.
$750?
I agree. This is your ticket.
So, kids, have we learned a lesson?
Everything revolves around sports
because men can't communicate.
No, just 'cause you're famous doesn't
get you out of everything.
Unless you retire Tiny Archibald's number.
Do Tiny right.
Let's get in the car.
Hey.
[LAUGHS]
[THE CLASH'S "I FOUGHT THE LAW"]
ALL: ♪ Breakin' rocks in the hot sun ♪
♪ I fought the law, and the law won ♪
♪ I needed money 'cause I had none ♪
♪ I fought the law, and the law won ♪
- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -