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You know the old saying
"there's no time like the present"?
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00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:11,036
Well, what better present
to get yourself a share of
3
00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:13,680
than... What? Paul?
4
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,830
- Time?
- Timeshare, exactly.
5
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You catch on quick, Paul.
You're a very lucky lady, Jan.
6
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:19,829
- Jen.
- Whatever.
7
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:22,388
Los Banos Apartments Paradise,
8
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the single best property investment
you can make, no question.
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- I have question.
- Yes, of course, Mr...
10
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:29,792
No Mister. Sheikh.
11
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- Sheikh?
- Sheikh Ratalandrol.
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What if I take them all, for whole year?
Is possible, yes?
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- Oh.
- Excellent.
14
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Sorry, Paul. You snooze, you don't win.
15
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Now, you take a cheque?
Ah, no cheques left.
16
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I spend so much money.
Lamborghini, Lamborghini,
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00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,668
jewels, Pizza Hut, Lamborghini.
18
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,320
You take cash? Or jewels, Mr...
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00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,433
- Todd.
- Ah, beautiful name. Mr Todd.
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I put you in contact with my contact,
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who will put you in contact
with his contact, yes?
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Well, of course, Sheikh.
23
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No, laddie, no Sheikh.
24
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John J Johnson,
regional vermin exterminator,
25
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for the region
and the surrounding regions.
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I just didn't want to embarrass you
in front of Paul and Jen.
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- Sorry, vermin?
- Aye, vermin.
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You, sir, are up to your ears
in earwigs, ticks, fleas, parasites,
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pigeons, rats, mice, lice, voles,
polecats, bedbugs and...
30
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Did I mention cockroaches?
31
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Sorry, who called you in?
32
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And thank God they did.
33
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I'm putting you into shutdown,
effective immediately.
34
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- You haven't got the authority.
- No, but I have.
35
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I want to speak to your superior.
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No need to thank me.
You need to leave now.
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I'll stay on site for as long as
it takes. Uh, toss me the keys, laddie.
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If there's one thing
cockroaches can't stand,
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it's the sound of a multi-speed Jacuzzi.
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Now, go. I'll call you in a week.
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- But you haven't got my number.
- No, but I have.
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Ripped By mstoll
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Brutus, big news.
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I found somewhere else to stay,
45
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so you can have your desolate
fish-shed nightmare thing back.
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Please don't say you're talking about
my beautiful beach hut.
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That's what I said.
Your beautiful, stinking,
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beach-hut apocalypse, travesty, dead
seagulls on the bed nightmare thing.
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Well, don't ever become an estate agent.
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I'm moving out, no need to thank me.
You don't have to say a thing.
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- Zorro, Bloody Mary.
- Thanks, B. Not too spicy.
52
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It is not for you, you plum.
Zorro, spicy.
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Spicy, no spicy, spicy, no spicy.
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It's like, I don't know, come on, man.
Forget about it.
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Sorry, Woods, no dinero, no drinko.
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Come on, B, I'm skint. Maybe you could
advance me a month's wages?
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- You don't work for me.
- Okay, a month of his wages.
58
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Look, I'll help you out in the empty
pocket department. I've got you a job.
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You're the best.
No, wait, I forgot about me.
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You're the second best.
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Do you want the job or don't you?
All you gotta do is deliver an antique.
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I'm not interested.
Who's it for, anyway?
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She's in the member's lounge.
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Like I said, I'm interested.
65
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There's a surprise. Her name's Maria.
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That's not a surprise. It would have
been a surprise if her name was Kevin.
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Will you turn it off for one minute?
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She's from a courier company,
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one of her guys has let her down,
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she's looking for someone
to step in, short notice.
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She said she wants to hire someone
who has a bit of muscle.
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Hmm.
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Yeah, that'll do it.
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Hello, lady.
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My friend, he say you're looking for
the man with the muscle.
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Yes, I am. Do you know someone?
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Ah! Is me!
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- Really?
- I'm a wise guy.
79
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I'm from Sicily. My family, they are...
80
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They are...
Sorry, could you just...
81
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- I'm Maria.
- Woody.
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Not very Sicilian.
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It's short for Gino.
84
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Really?
Which part of Sicily are you from?
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Little village. You wouldn't know it.
86
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Try me.
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Ginelli.
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You're Gino from Ginelli?
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Si. My great-grandfather,
he invented the ice cream.
90
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But enough about him,
let's talk about me.
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00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:32,314
I am here, I am the muscle
and I can do your job.
92
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Okay, Gino. The job's yours.
93
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Magnifico!
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I need you to deliver an antique
to one of the islands.
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00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,199
Here are tickets for the ferry,
you'll be met at the port,
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come straight back on the return trip.
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And then, of course, the dinner?
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Why not? You can come to mine.
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I know a lovely recipe for toothpicks.
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00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:57,273
You are like me.
A bella with a sense of humour.
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Except I'm not a bella. I am a fella.
One hell of a fella.
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Can you not feel something
passing between us?
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A urn?
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Yes, please have a bit of respect.
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Don't worry. It's safe with me.
In Sicily we have a saying,
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"You earn the respect or you learn
you earn a turn in the urn."
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It sounds better in Italian.
108
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This job's important to me, Gino.
Don't muck it up.
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You can rely on me.
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As my great-grandfather once said,
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"One scoop or two?"
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Is not relevant here
but he was a wise man.
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Zorro, where's my Bloody Mary?
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Just looking for some celery.
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And where are those sausages? Lorenza?
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- Si.
- Blimey, how do you do that?
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Lorenza, have you cooked my sausages?
118
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Uh, she says
they'll be ready in five minutes.
119
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Another close call
for Employee of the Month.
120
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But I think we have a winner.
121
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Yum, yum. All right, Bev? Usual?
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Yes, please, Brutus.
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Brutus? Brutus!
124
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No, no, Brutus is dead.
I'm his cousin, of someone else.
125
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You monster.
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Beverly, calm down. Let me explain!
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Let me explain.
This is my ex-wife Beverly.
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Long story short, we got divorced,
I faked my own death,
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ran off with the dough
and started a new life out here.
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I'd tell you more but I'm a bit busy
with a customer right now.
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You little snake!
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I knew you were too vain
to top yourself. I'm going to kill you.
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- I can explain.
- Okay.
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- What?
- Go on, then!
135
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,713
Ah. Weren't expecting you to let me.
I can't really explain.
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I'm just lucky that I never loved you.
It's going to make it all the sweeter
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when I take you
for everything you've got.
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Listen, Beverly.
Whatever we were or whatever we weren't,
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00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:04,548
we were definitely in love.
Yes, it was intense,
140
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,234
yes, it was torrid.
It was argumentative.
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00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,550
- You were argumentative.
- You were argumentative.
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00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,870
You were argumentative. It was torrid.
143
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:13,109
You said that already.
144
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,919
Yes, 'cause it weren't half torrid!
I still can't straighten me left knee.
145
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,792
Well, that was your fault
for not warming up properly.
146
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:22,869
It's no one's fault! Whatever went wrong
or whatever happened between us,
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it was love.
148
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- You finished?
- Mmm-hmm.
149
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:30,669
I'm still having the bar.
150
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,235
I was hoping you'd forgot about that
when I was doing my bit about the love.
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Mmm. I'm going to call my lawyer.
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Then, I'm coming back for the keys.
153
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,432
Oh! "Bar Beverly".
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00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:44,399
No, I've got it. "Bar for sale"!
155
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It's times like these
I wish I'd taken the coward's way out!
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And stayed married to you!
157
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It's my ex-wife.
158
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Out on the open sea.
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It's days like these I realise
I've got the best job in the world.
160
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:14,272
There really is no better place
on the planet to be an urn delivery man.
161
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There's always one idiot who spoils it.
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To be fair, it's usually me.
163
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Hey, what did the police want?
164
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:31,029
Ah, they said they have information that
someone on the boat is smuggling drugs.
165
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:32,109
Oh.
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00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,115
Oh, thank goodness you're here,
officers. They went that way.
167
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,318
- Who did?
- You know, the men.
168
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,592
- Men?
- The nasty men.
169
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,238
They tried to give drugs to my baby.
170
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:06,675
- Which way did they go?
- They went that way.
171
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,150
No, wait, that way.
Right to the other end of the boat.
172
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My baby!
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Hold your breath, junior.
174
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So how'd it go?
175
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Fine, right up until the point
I had to jump off the ferry
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to be rescued by a hen party
on a giant banana.
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- Sounds pretty good.
- Yeah, it was pretty good.
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00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:02,552
You look like you could do
with a Jagertini. Dive in.
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00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,633
Here you go, my son.
Get your laughing gear around that.
180
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:06,869
Not for breakfast, thanks.
181
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,435
Oh, well. Your loss. So, what happened?
182
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,876
Mrs Priceless Antique
sent me out to sea with this.
183
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:22,035
Wow! This is good stuff.
None of that Spanish rubbish.
184
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,954
- What are you doing?
- It's talcum powder.
185
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,076
No Yardley Gentleman,
but it does the job.
186
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,718
Hang on, what's going on?
187
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,711
I ask myself that every 10 minutes.
188
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,109
She must have been using me
to test a possible drug route.
189
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,519
- Clever.
- Pretty, too.
190
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,238
- I actually meant you, Woody.
- So did I.
191
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:38,152
Come on, B. We need to track her down.
192
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:41,471
Sorry, son. No can do. Got me own
trouble and strife to deal with.
193
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,318
My ex-missus has just found me.
194
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,829
I didn't know you got married.
Or divorced.
195
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,990
Congratulations and congratulations!
196
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,593
Met her after I left the paper.
197
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,830
When we got divorced, she tried to
take me for everything I've got.
198
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,956
- So you got a good lawyer?
- So I faked my own death.
199
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:55,029
That was my next guess.
200
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,315
I left a suicide note,
done a bunk over here.
201
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,197
Of course, what could possibly go wrong?
202
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,032
She walked into the bar
a couple of hours ago.
203
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,109
Apart from that.
204
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,350
She going to take me
for everything I have got.
205
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,318
Relax. It's obvious what you need to do.
206
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,277
- What?
- You need to fake your own death.
207
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,952
Hello! Have you been listening?
208
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,271
You need to do it again but this time,
you need to do it properly.
209
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:17,358
She needs to see you drop dead
right in front of her.
210
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,115
She would love that.
211
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:29,913
While Brutus devised his demise,
I had to solve a problem like Maria.
212
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,831
My only link to her was an urn.
213
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,275
So I planned to visit
the local funeral home.
214
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,749
But first
I thought I could do with some help.
215
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,353
No, of course not.
216
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,710
Come on, Melody. One grifter to another?
217
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,631
One grifter to a former grifter,
218
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,996
now wife of a disgraced billionaire
septuagenarian with an annoyingly innate
219
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,832
ability to not let on
where his money's stashed.
220
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,228
Like it. Much snappier.
221
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,788
There is nothing in this whole world
that you could say
222
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,235
that is going to make me get off
this overly cushioned luxury sofa
223
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,719
on this 120-foot super-yacht.
224
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:57,837
Okay, you asked for it.
225
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:02,038
You spend every day of your life
sitting here, playing the long game,
226
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,348
hoping that your pension-poacher husband
227
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,637
might finally let slip where he's
hiding all his dirty, filthy money.
228
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,712
And it's driving you crazy.
What you need is a distraction.
229
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,314
A plaything.
Something to waste a bit of time.
230
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,231
And guess what? I'm that distraction.
231
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,511
I'm that plaything.
I'm that waste of time
232
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,034
in your otherwise joyless existence.
233
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,311
Well, that was surprisingly astute
for an idiot.
234
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,078
Thank you. And how dare you?
235
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:25,752
- So, you're in?
- I'm in.
236
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,193
Great, it's a date.
237
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:28,749
It is not a date.
238
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,996
Okay, so let's call it a not-date.
But you're in?
239
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,436
- I'm in.
- Great! It's a date.
240
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:45,678
First of all, can I offer
my deepest condolences, Mr and Mrs...
241
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,514
Tickler, Bud Tickler.
242
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,716
And this is my beautiful wife...
243
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,439
Nicola. Nicola Tickler.
244
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,876
Well, can I say
how sorry I am for your loss.
245
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,750
And how are you related to the deceased?
246
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:01,400
- He was our daddy.
- Grandpa.
247
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,233
My daddy, my wife's grandpa.
248
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,709
Our family tree looks like
it was hit by a lorry.
249
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,155
It's like we've lost
two members of the family.
250
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,593
Well, it is a difficult time
251
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:14,150
but rest assured that we're here
to make things easier for you.
252
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,310
We have some terrific coffins.
253
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,755
Thank you, we appreciate it, Mr...
254
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,070
Spencer, but please call me Colin.
255
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,628
You are the Spencer
of Spencer & Spencer?
256
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,792
Well, actually I'm the "& Spencer"
of Spencer & Spencer,
257
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:29,633
my brother was the Spencer
of Spencer & Spencer
258
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:31,995
but recently he passed away.
259
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,479
Oh. I'm sorry for your loss.
260
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,632
Well, thank you.
And I'm sorry for your loss.
261
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,358
Thank you. And I'm sorry for your loss.
262
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,318
Thank you. And I'm sorry for your loss.
263
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:43,836
- Thank you. And I'm sorry for...
- Yes, we know.
264
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,593
So it must be difficult
running a business on your own.
265
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:49,513
Well, actually, my brother left his side
of the business to his daughter.
266
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,955
Oh, well, that must be a comfort.
267
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,069
Not so much.
268
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,553
I'd like to meet her.
269
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,430
You know, if she is to be involved
in Daddy-Grandpa's funeral.
270
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:04,109
Well, at some point, maybe
but now let's talk coffins.
271
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,033
Let's talk urns.
272
00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:07,712
Well, what we like
to do here, Mr Tickler,
273
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:11,509
is to talk through the coffin options
first, they really are lovely,
274
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,068
and then move on to the urn options.
275
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:19,035
Or we could start with the urn options
and then move on to the coffin options.
276
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,350
Okay, we'll do that.
277
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,673
But let's just have
a quick look at the coffin options.
278
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,835
Oh, my. That's a lot of options.
279
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:34,313
It's just too much!
I just need a moment.
280
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,870
Do carry on. Nicola knows his wishes.
281
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,272
I love you, Daddy-Grandpa!
282
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:48,710
Have you thought about getting him
some professional help?
283
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,514
Yes. So have you got anything in walnut?
284
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,312
Oh, have I?
285
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,670
Shh! Keep a lookout.
286
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:20,869
Bingo.
287
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,596
You know what? I've missed this.
So what now?
288
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,156
Got it.
We get drunk, then go to the cinema.
289
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,917
No, you're right.
We'll do that tomorrow.
290
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,468
For now, I wouldn't mind having a word
with this niece of Colin's.
291
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:46,195
All right. So we sit down and wait
for the niece to show. Stakeout, yay!
292
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,630
Donald's off getting his blood changed
or something, so got plenty of time.
293
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,591
Time. What's the time?
294
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:53,669
Why?
295
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:55,591
I've got to get back to the bar
to pronounce Brutus dead.
296
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,109
- You what?
- I'm late!
297
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,115
You stay here. Stakeout, yay!
298
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,391
You are kidding me.
299
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,431
Here, I'm here.
300
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:12,200
About time. Right, let's do this.
301
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,596
Zorro, you sure Lorenza knows the plan?
302
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,750
She understands.
303
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,630
Right. Here's how it's going to go down.
304
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:26,753
I'm meeting Beverly at Tipples.
305
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,118
I'll get her an apple martini,
306
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,155
soften her up with some stories
of the good old days.
307
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,997
Lorenza, you come strolling by
with a nice, fat-looking handbag
308
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,877
under your arm
like you ain't got a care in the world.
309
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,435
Woody, you're disguised
as a doctor on holiday.
310
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,431
Keep it simple, nothing fancy.
311
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,751
Zorro, you leap out of the bushes,
grab Lorenza's handbag,
312
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,308
have a bit of a grapple
and that'll be my cue.
313
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,320
I'm going to play the hero
and get stuck in with Zorro.
314
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,510
Your job, Zorro, is to lay me out.
315
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,478
Don't worry, I can take a punch.
I was married to Bev.
316
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:21,713
I'll make out I'm having a coronary.
317
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:24,758
Then Woodster, it's over to you.
318
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,229
Your job is to pronounce me brown bread
319
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,151
and don't forget your opening line.
320
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:30,593
Let me through, I'm a doctor.
321
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:31,669
Let me through, I'm a better doctor.
322
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,836
I've got this one. Stay with me.
323
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,353
I want you to take some slow breaths.
324
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,188
Stand aside, my name is Dr Swami Wami
and I am a doctor.
325
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:39,269
I think we're losing him.
326
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,759
Step aside, please,
let him get some air.
327
00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,717
- He has no more need of air.
- No, give him some air.
328
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,870
You people, stop gawking
at a man who is clearly dying,
329
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:45,949
are you sick in your heads?
330
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,349
He's not dying, I've got a pulse.
331
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:51,352
It's a little bit erratic, he's not
well, but he's going to make it.
332
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,756
Leave it! You've tried your best.
He is dead. Don't blame yourself.
333
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:55,829
He's fine.
334
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,595
Such a waste. He had two or three
good months left in him. Curses!
335
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,434
We'll get you to a hospital.
Don't you worry.
336
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,274
Oh, my goodness!
She is also having heart attack.
337
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:08,549
Que...
338
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:10,910
Oh! Oh! Oh!
339
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,353
Médico! Médico!
340
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:13,998
As a doctor, deal with her.
341
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:15,672
Stay with him.
342
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,673
I shall keep him company on the journey
to the realm of his ancestors.
343
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:21,069
Where does it hurt?
344
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:32,031
He has corked it.
345
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,315
Oh, no.
346
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,117
Then I had
what can only be described as an idea.
347
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:41,951
If we held a service for Brutus,
348
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,349
we could send him to the grave
in front of his ex-wife.
349
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,037
And I could do some more digging
at the funeral home.
350
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:48,589
You dig?
351
00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:52,839
Thanks for coming back to help.
352
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:54,239
Never duck out on a con.
353
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:55,639
It's just, you know, after...
354
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:59,315
You jilted me. Not a problem.
Forget about it.
355
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,470
I have. Forgotten about it.
356
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,393
You jilting me.
357
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,153
Well, that's good.
358
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,910
Oh, Brutus. My little butter biscuit.
359
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,917
Mmm.
360
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:27,428
Oh, Bru. I'll always love you, you git.
361
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:36,949
Did you just hear something?
362
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:41,272
Yes, apologies. Grief plays havoc
with my lower intestines.
363
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:42,919
Please, take your seat.
364
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:44,878
It's what he would have wanted.
365
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,079
You okay, B?
366
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,993
I am dying here.
Keep a lookout for a sec.
367
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,514
Oh.
368
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,953
You probably want to switch that off.
369
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,029
You're having a laugh, then, yeah?
370
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,678
Took me a month to learn
how to switch it on.
371
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,320
Okay, you play dead for a few
more minutes. I'm going for a snoop.
372
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,791
Excuse me, I've been informed
by Nicola Tickler
373
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:18,317
that her husband, Bud Tickler,
would like to say a few words
374
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,118
about his deceased father.
375
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:22,909
Oh.
376
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,112
Thanks, Nicola. Thanks a bunch.
377
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,635
To be honest,
I didn't think for a second
378
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,473
I'd be standing here in front of you all
379
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,597
talking about my dead father Brutus.
380
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,591
Now, some of you may be thinking,
381
00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,592
"I didn't know Brutus
had a South African son."
382
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,069
And up until recently, neither did he.
383
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,829
You see, Brutus left my mother
when I was just a baby.
384
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,798
My mother went insane
and married a rhinoceros.
385
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,879
Over time, I learnt to forgive Brutus,
386
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:05,715
and in the few weeks I knew him,
I learned he was a man with a big heart.
387
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,918
And an enormous liver! Seriously,
388
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,197
it would sort of
push at the bottom of his rib cage,
389
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:15,317
like a shoplifter stealing
a frozen chicken.
390
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,870
And he had this weird smell...
391
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,798
Excuse me, I have to take this.
392
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:26,879
What?
393
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,190
I was kidding. Don't be like that.
394
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,232
Honestly, you barely notice it.
395
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:33,231
Especially when you do that thing
when you suck your belly in.
396
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:37,070
What? Good idea. Okay. Bye, bye.
397
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,756
Another thing I learned, Dad was skint.
398
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:46,038
He died absolutely penniless.
399
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:51,956
Because that beautiful, lumpy,
stinking man in there
400
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:55,555
gave everything he had to charity,
401
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,437
including his bar.
402
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:08,790
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm...
a bit emotional.
403
00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:16,309
I do know that his last wish
was that we all join together
404
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,631
and sing the song that he thought
best summed him up.
405
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,749
Hello, lady. Fancy meeting you here.
406
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:47,035
Well, if it isn't
the incredible vanishing man.
407
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:48,599
You seem to have lost the accent.
408
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:50,796
It must have fallen out of my pocket
when I jumped off that ferry.
409
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,677
Small talk, small talk,
where's my money?
410
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,115
You didn't finish the job,
where's my urn?
411
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,111
You mean, the urn full of ashes
that weren't actually ashes,
412
00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:58,758
that were actually drugs
that weren't actually drugs
413
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:00,796
but were actually talcum powder,
that urn?
414
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:02,189
You talk too much.
415
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,550
It's a problem. I think it's caused
by me talking too much.
416
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,553
Oh, by the way,
nice idea with the talcum powder.
417
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,070
You knew there were cops
on that ferry looking for drugs,
418
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:11,991
no point wasting the good stuff
on a set-up.
419
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:16,551
Close. I suspected they'd be there
but I didn't know until now.
420
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,154
- You didn't tip them off?
- I'm not the rat in my family.
421
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,638
Uncle Colin, of course.
422
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,872
Trying to scare me onto
the straight and narrow, bless him.
423
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:26,554
You thought he set you up so...
424
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,279
To be sure,
I set you up with one of these.
425
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,919
But you disappeared.
Well, isn't it time you vanished again?
426
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,673
And this time,
you can take Brutus with you.
427
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,796
- That all right with you, Brutus?
- Brutus?
428
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,359
What the...
429
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,432
- Brutus, thank God.
- Shut up, Woody.
430
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,476
- Listen to me.
- No, you shut up. You've got to help me.
431
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:00,551
- No, shut up, Woody.
- No, you shut up.
432
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,312
- No, you shut up.
- No, you shut up!
433
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,517
- No, you shut up!
- Right. Let's both shut up.
434
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:06,999
Better. Now, where are you?
435
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,598
- Brutus?
- Now he wants me to talk. Where are you?
436
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,315
I'm in a coffin.
Somewhere in the funeral parlour.
437
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,038
Maria must have hit me. Where are you?
438
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:17,469
I'm in a coffin.
439
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:19,312
I know you're in a coffin.
Get out of your coffin
440
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:20,549
and come and get me out of this coffin.
441
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:21,629
And hurry.
442
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,598
Don't you think I'd get out of my coffin
and come and get you out of your coffin
443
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,478
if I could get out of my coffin?
What do you take me for?
444
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:29,875
Whoa. What was that?
445
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,473
Someone moved my coffin.
Brutus, get me out of here!
446
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:34,788
Please hold the line.
447
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,519
- Brutus, are you there?
- Please hold the line.
448
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,598
- Ah!
- Please hold the line.
449
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,830
- Help!
- Who's there?
450
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:46,833
I'm in this coffin.
I can hear something. I can hear flames.
451
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:48,592
That'll be the furnace.
452
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,830
What do you mean, the furnace?
Can you turn it off?
453
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,878
Yes, on the main console,
to the left.
454
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:55,996
There's a red button, press it.
455
00:24:56,080 --> 00:25:00,437
I can't press it, I'm in a coffin.
Help me! Where are you?
456
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:02,636
I'm in a coffin.
457
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,678
I can't be sure
but I think it's the Chestnut Deluxe.
458
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:07,913
Woody? Sorry about that.
459
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:09,115
Brutus, thank God.
460
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:10,952
- Who designs these phones?
- Not now.
461
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:12,559
I've just put you on hold with me cheek.
462
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:14,073
Not now. I can feel the heat.
463
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,276
For God's sake,
get me out of here!
464
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:17,389
Woody, is that you?
465
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:20,028
Melody!
Thank God, get me out of this coffin!
466
00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:23,669
Oh, is that the time?
I've got to go. Furnace, yay!
467
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:26,752
Melody? Melody!
468
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:31,237
Hope you don't mind,
I brought a friend to your barbeque.
469
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,553
I had the situation
perfectly under control.
470
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:35,998
- Uh, thank you?
- No need to thank me.
471
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:40,075
Thank you!
472
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,313
Better.
473
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,197
- What about Maria?
- Taken care of.
474
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:50,031
I think I've put it on silent now,
475
00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:51,792
can you help?
476
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:55,874
Ruined! The Chestnut Deluxe!
477
00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:58,878
Three coffins!
478
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,198
I'll have to burn them.
479
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,239
Mind if I get out first?
480
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,797
Nice pad. What did it set you back?
481
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,393
It's, er, complicated.
482
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:15,118
I don't doubt it. How's your bonce?
483
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:17,111
I feel a bit like
how you must feel every morning.
484
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,033
Rule number one, never turn your back
on a woman holding her urn.
485
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,189
Relationship advice coming from you?
That's rich.
486
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:24,795
So your wife thinks you're dead again?
487
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,752
Yeah, I reckon. Got to lay low
for a couple of weeks
488
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:28,034
till she's back in Blighty.
489
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,034
- You expecting someone?
- Hmm.
490
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:36,275
- Ted!
- Todd.
491
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:38,157
Whatever.
I'm glad you're here.
492
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,231
You need to leave immediately.
We're about to fumigate.
493
00:26:40,360 --> 00:26:43,511
Yeah, I've had you checked out, Mister.
You're not a vermin exterminator.
494
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:44,589
I've called the police.
495
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:46,079
Bad move, laddie. You better come in.
496
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,272
I was hoping it wouldn't come to this.
497
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:53,238
What I'm about to tell you
gives you level three clearance.
498
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:57,717
Allow me to introduce
myself. My name is Agent Peter Smiley
499
00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,996
and this is my colleague,
Special Agent...
500
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,036
Walker, Johnny Walker.
501
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,789
We are deep undercover on direct orders
of Queen Elizabeth herself.
502
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,755
Her Majesty was recently
the victim of a robbery
503
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:13,310
and we believe the stolen goods
have found their way here.
504
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:15,636
- Blimey!
- Blimey ain't the half of it.
505
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,109
I suggest you get on
to your police friends ASAP
506
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:19,952
and tell them it's a false alarm.
507
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,235
Unless, of course,
you want the Queen on your back.
508
00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:24,914
You don't. She's surprisingly heavy.
509
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:26,354
- But...
- Then you come back here
510
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,796
and we will discuss full reimbursement.
511
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:30,393
Maybe even a knighthood.
512
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,872
Chop-chop, Todd!
Or should I say Sir Todd?
513
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:35,632
What should I tell head office?
'Cause I...
514
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:37,749
We need to get out of here.
515
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:39,159
Ha! Don't tell me,
516
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,595
you'll be wanting to stay
in my fish-shed nightmare thing again?
517
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,798
All right, I won't. But I do.
So I guess I just did.
518
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,154
Say please.
519
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:48,149
Please.
520
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:50,399
One last spin in the Jacuzzi?
521
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,471
Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
522
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:56,828
I love this place.
523
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:02,914
Oh, I love the hypnotist convention.
It is my favourite time of the year.
524
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:05,719
Relax, you've got the wrong man.
Please leave me alone.
525
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:09,350
You, sir, sleep. You, madam, wake up.
The show has started.
526
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,750
You won't get away with this,
you low-life scum!
527
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:14,070
I'm coming back
and I'm going to shoot you dead!
528
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:15,559
- You've got a problem.
- Oh, I've got a problem?
529
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:17,398
- I've got a problem.
- He's got a problem.
530
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:18,469
You do have a problem.
531
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:19,959
It's Donald!
532
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:21,792
I want the loo and I need a hand.
533
00:28:24,700 --> 00:28:32,700
Ripped By mstoll