SIRENS, GENERAL CHATTER
You had the choice. I gave you the choice.
I know, but my mind was blown. Should've gone private.
I didn't think we could afford it. I told you I could.
We didn't the first time. I wasn't working the first time.
I was working. Sweetie, you're not paid what I'm paid.
Well, I wasn't thinking straight. You went to all the classes,
you had months to think about it - why didn't you bring up before?
I was hormonal, I couldn't get my head...
Why are you laying into me? No, no, I'm not. I'm just saying...
I gave you the choice, I would've paid.
It's the same doctors. What doctors? We haven't seen any doctors.
Calm down. I'm trying, I'm trying. Take some gas and air.
Breathe.
Deep breaths.
Better?
Did you get the TENS machine?
Yeah, it's in the hospital bag.
Can you fish it out, please?
Did you get my raspberry leaf tea? Oh, no - I forgot the tea.
Fucking hell, Lisa - how could you forget my raspberry leaf tea? Maybe I can go and get some.
I asked you to do one simple thing, buy a box of fucking tea.
You're so busy faffing around. I wasn't faffing around,
you were faffing around with that bag all morning.
I packed my bag three nights ago
while you were doing God knows what on the internet.
What were you doing? looking at porn? I wish. All you had to do
was order a TENS machine, buy some provisions
and drive me here without crashing.
We'll just get somebody else to bring it, OK?
Turn over.
You phoned your mum? No!
You need your mum! Uh-huh? When I had Charlie,
Mum was the one who was there for me. I was the one!
She was very supportive! Wasn't I supportive?
Oh, no, yeah - it's just that she's my mum. And that's better, is it?
She's able to understand. She was able to understand, was she?
The complexities. Because she's a woman,
and I'm just a quote-unquote man, I suppose.
Some people understand, some people don't.
You have to prepare yourself for that. How does this feel?
Ow! Sorry.
No, it's fine, it's fine. Turn it up.
Are you in pain? Yeah! No!
Not really, just uncomfortable.
Wait until they start examining you, love.
What do you mean? All those fingers up you.
I'm having a Caesarean. And how many, do you think?
God, don't even joke about it.
You won't feel a thing. I'm too posh to push.
Oh, God - I'm going to puke! Wait, wait! Urgh! It's here!
Get me a... Here, get it all out.
You're doing fine. Oh, urgh...
Sorry.
I packed some kitchen roll in the bag,
and some antibacterial spray.
Actually, give the bowl a spray, would you?
And maybe the door knob in the bathroom, if you don't mind.
And the taps.
Maybe the floor while you're at it.
You never know what germs are lurking.
Ugh... Urgh...
Oh!
It's the nausea I can't handle, I'd rather have the pain.
No, you wouldn't! Men can take the pain.
No, they can't. That's just the myth they sell you.
It beats morning sickness any day.
Oh! It's really starting to hurt now.
Yeah, turn it up.
I've forgotten how to do this.
I don't want to cook you. Do you think someone's coming?
They come when something goes wrong. What could go wrong?
Oh, no - I'm just saying... Don't start envisaging.
Don't worry me.
What could go wrong is entirely different,
that's the whole point.
Well, so they say. What do you mean? Well, being induced is no cakewalk.
Yeah, it is for men. Oh, I doubt it. We don't have to dilate.
You're pumped full of hormones from arsehole to beak, love -
you're bound to feel something. Don't talk to me about hormones.
I'm like a Bernard Matthews turkey.
Here.
Have some water.
It tastes horrible, I remember that.
You'd think they'd sort it out. Is it safe?
Of course it's safe, it just tastes weird.
Everything tastes weird to me.
I get one night out with my mates? One, in how many months?
See a band, have my one unit of alcohol,
can't even taste a curry properly. Poor baby.
They should put that on the leaflet -
man the size of a Volkswagen gagging over a curry, nobody would do it.
Just calm down.
Sorry, yeah, I'm just a bit delicate. Just cheer up a bit.
You were an utter nutcase.
Because...! Oh, don't say it.
Well, it was very hard on me! It was hard on me too!
An utter lunatic, you.
Raving at the midwife. HE LAUGHS
Imagining things. You just wait.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR I'm not anticipating any...
Hello! Hiya.
I'm Joyce, I just started my shift. I'm Ed, Eddie. Lisa, hi.
How's it going? Good. Good. Good. What time were you induced? Erm...
Seven o'clock this morning. And you came back at?
Went home to wait, and then we came back about four o'clock.
He's been in labour for about an hour.
Mmm, we left it a bit late.
We had plenty of time.
There's no point rushing in, they'll just send you home again.
God, they do make such a fuss, don't they? Yes.
It's very strange for the men. They take it all so seriously.
Don't worry, it's not the same as inducing a woman.
We call it induction,
but really it's just a way of getting things moving,
so the baby's in a good position for surgery.
Have they broken your waters? We're still waiting.
I think you're ready. Great, bring it on!
Yeah, hang on - I'm not sure I want my waters artificially broken.
You're not sure you want your artificial waters artificially broken? It's not funny.
Artificial waters in your artificial womb!
Don't patronise me, Lisa. It'll speed things up.
It's just that I've heard about the risks.
No, no - it's nice for men to break the waters. Yeah...
Is it absolutely necessary? No.
But it's liberating, make you feel like a woman. Oh!
I don't need to feel like a woman.
Yes, you should, why not? It's good for you.
Well, what are the risks? I've heard it can lead to complications.
No, no, I didn't think so. You don't think so?
Can we find somebody who knows so?
There's a very small risk of complications
if the waters are broken and the labour goes on for a long time.
You're having a bloody Caesarean, what difference does it make?
Well, the more procedures they do, the more complications.
I think you're being a bit paranoid. It's not part of my birth plan!
I had my waters broken. But it's different for men, it's different!
No, no - I don't think it really is. What are you talking about?!
Of course it's different! Eddie, you're not listening to her!
Will you stop being so stubborn? You're making it up as you go along!
Yeah, all right, OK. Fine. Let's get on with it then. Good boy.
You'll be out of here in no time.
Can you please just start supporting me here? Stop undermining me!
I am supporting you! What you want me to say?
I want you to agree with me.
He's very uncomfortable now, are you in a lot of pain?
Yeah, quite a bit, actually.
Good, things are moving then. Moving?
The baby has to move away from your bowel towards the abdominal cavity
before we can operate.
Otherwise, it's quite difficult to reach.
Turn over, please.
Where? On your tummy.
And put your bottom in the air.
Why, what are you going to do with that?
You have a valve in your rectum which allows us
to penetrate your womb through the bowel wall.
The amniotic fluid is possible to reach from here with this.
This is an amnihook, hmm?
It might hurt a little.
But I will try my best first to just... Oh, morning.
..loosen you up, hmm? Yeah.
Oh! Oh-ho-ahh!
It's like being back at boarding school.
Hold still, please.
LISA FILES HER NAILS
How you feeling?
How long do I have to sit here like this?
It shouldn't be much longer now.
It's been two hours since they broke my waters.
I hope she's all right.
I never feel her kick - have a feel.
My balls are like coconuts.
Really? That's interesting.
I've had the most enormous erection
for the past hour,
it's like a fucking cricket bat.
When your placenta rubs on the prostate gland,
it can be very sexually stimulating,
apparently, so they say.
I wouldn't know about that, It's actually very uncomfortable.
Do you want me to...?
What?
Well, I could probably just...
What?
Just give you a quick...wank.
A wank? A quick one.
For God's sake!
It's about the farthest thing from my mind! Really?
You know how I feel about sex at the moment.
No, I don't, actually. I blow hot and cold.
I was only trying to help. My God, it's all you ever think about.
You could suck me off in the bathroom if you like.
Might as well if you're going to start all that again. No, don't be silly.
Don't offer to... I was just trying to be spontaneous, love.
It sends out all the wrong signals.
When I was pregnant, we did it all the time.
We did it the night before I went into labour.
Trying to bring it on, I tried everything.
Tweak the nipples.
Finger up the bum.
Pineapples. It's all very weird.
It's amazing some of the advice you get on the NHS. We managed.
Yeah, I managed all sorts of things then.
Cunnilingus at nine months.
Everything in the wrong place, not a million laughs,
but we got there in the end. Oh, thanks.
You wore kitten heels and a ra-ra skirt.
You don't even try any more.
What, you want me to wear kitten heels and a ra-ra skirt?
Why don't you try any more?
It's...
..embarrassing.
That's why I just offered to wank you off...
No, no - it's all or nothing with me. Feast or famine. Just...
Get the midwife, I need another painkiller.
What can you feel? A sore arse. Yeah, well, now you know.
Now I know what?
What it's like to have someone's fingers up my arse?
When have you had someone's fingers up YOUR arse?
Don't answer that, I'm not in the mood.
Thought I was going to shit myself just then.
It's not the same for a man, shitting oneself. What?!
It's just more natural for a woman.
For all sorts of funny reasons.
Tell me the funny reasons.
Tell me the funniest of the funny reasons.
ALARM SOUNDS
Probably just moved.
Here we go. Erm, yeah. Lift up this.
There, is that OK?
Well... Yeah. How can you be sure though?
You're probably right, but you can't be sure. When I had Charlie...
This is different. It's not that... It's completely different!
The heart rate isn't actually dropping...
CALL BUZZER Yeah, why not get the midwife in now, just to set my mind at ease.
Just lift up your bum. No, no - wait! I can do it.
I don't want you to do it. Why? Because you're not qualified!
Just wait! I've been waiting all night!
It's her job, she should do her job. Is it too much to ask?
I gave you the choice to go private. Don't blame me for this.
I'm not! I just want you to be comfortable!
I'll be comfortable if they switch that alarm off.
Just lift up... No! I can do it! It's the principle!
ALARM STOPS
Hello. How's it all going? Why did that alarm go off?
I expect it just slipped off you. He needs a painkiller.
Yeah, I want an epidural. Is that possible?
Have you been induced?
Yes! This morning. Are you in pain? Can't you tell?
That means the baby is coming, it's good.
Are you going to examine him? Yes, soon. Well, when?
I'll come back in a minute. A minute?
I won't be long. Don't worry. But...!
Ugh...
It always worries me when they say, "Don't worry".
You didn't see what I saw.
Oh! Ah! Oh! You're doing really, really well.
I'm really, really proud of you. When will they examine me?!
I don't know. Is she going to have the cord around her neck?
She won't have the cord around her neck. Call them in!
I have, three times, sweetheart. And I feel so sick! CALL BUZZER
It's like the worst ever hangover plus gastroenteritis. That's good!
Why is it good? It means things are moving. Are you going to be sick?
No. Just get me some water.
Ah! Here you are, here you are. Thank you.
You're doing really, really well.
Oh, it's so boring! Not long now.
I'm so hot, is it hot in here? It's actually quite cold.
I'd kill for a beer!
Two units a week, that's not even a Budweiser.
It's a pint, that's enough.
A pint a week with all this to contend with?
Hello. How are we doing?
Have you been induced?
BOTH: Yes! Yes, I was induced this morning! Oh.
I think you're well on your way now. Please, I'm in a lot of pain,
I need an epidural. No, you shouldn't be.
Well, I am. Oh, it's not so bad for the man. It is for me.
No, it's really not necessary, you're not having contractions.
You won't need epidural. I will if you keep shoving things up me.
Sometimes it's good to hang on for as long as you can. I have! I am!
You're nearly there. He has a great deal of abdominal pain
and he's clearly very uncomfortable.
OK. Let's have a look.
Roll over.
Let me see.
Hmm.
Normally the stomach moves upwards to make room for the baby,
but yours has not moved.
You have a lot of belly fat.
Do you drink a lot of beer?
I have the odd glass of wine. Hmm.
You need to lose weight.
This could be the reason why the baby's not moving. Oh.
The baby is wedged between your bowel wall and your belly.
You need to lose a stone in weight.
Now?!
If you've been induced, it should move faster than this.
When I was induced, I was strongly advised to have an epidural.
No, we don't give epidural to men.
He needs a painkiller of some sort. Are you using gas and air?
It's like sucking the air out of an old bicycle tyre,
my mouth's like Velcro.
What else can you give him? Let me take his temperature.
Where are you going to put that?! I'm going to put it in your mouth.
I can give him pethidine, but it's not ideal. Yes, give it! Give it!
There is a small risk it could crush the placenta.
How do you feel about that? I don't care! Anything!
Or you could try Panadol, I have some somewhere. Panadol?
Mmm.
Let's see what your temperature is, and then you can decide, eh?
One, two, three, relax. Three, two, one!
Three, two... Both hands! Sorry. Three, two...
Just turn up the TENS machine.
Where's the fucking TENS machine? It's all twisted up.
Right, I'm going to give you a saline drip for the dehydration.
Just give me the pethidine! You have a slight temperature.
I shall try with saline first.
I'm hot because I've been sat here for hours racked with pain!
The window doesn't open, I've had nothing to drink,
I need a cold drink and a... Ow!
That really hurt! I'll get you a sandwich and a Ribena in a minute.
I need a beer, a nice, cold beer. A pils or a large brandy.
I haven't had a proper drink in nine months, it's inhuman!
I'll give you the Panadol and see how you get on.
Panadol doesn't work on me.
We'll try this first, if it doesn't work, we try something else.
You'll give me the pethidine? Try this first!
All right, but give me a few. Hmm?
Three or four it usually takes for a headache, or a...
Turn over. What? Why?
It's a suppository.
Why can't I have it orally?
This is faster.
Please, just turn over now.
Why can't I have an epidural?!
Why do you keep going out of the room?!
What are they hiding from me, what's really going on here?!
Eddie, cool it, please. I'm so sorry.
The anaesthetist is busy.
Busy? Busy where? I just called for him, I'm sorry.
I just missed him, he went into emergency theatre a minute ago.
No, I'm sorry... I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry... I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry, but I really think we need him here now.
It's just one of those things. If I'd called two minutes earlier...
I asked you two hours ago!
He'll come and see you as soon as he's finished.
When will he finish? I don't know. He won't be long. How long?!
An hour, two hours?! About an hour. You know, he's very busy.
And there's no other anaesthetist? We have another one on Monday.
This is exactly what happened when Charlie was born!
Eddie, quiet, please. Just do as she says. You don't understand!
It's my body! Can you turn over now?
Just give me another drip.
You already have saline drip, that's enough for now.
I need to shit! She's pushing on your bowels, quite natural,
she's pushing on your bowels, she wants to come out.
She's barking up the wrong tree there, then.
Turn over now and lift up.
Oh...
Ooh...
Ah! God, you are quite rough! Do you know that?
Has anyone ever told you that? It's like changing a light bulb.
It's not as easy as you think. No kidding.
I've been fingered more times than an unripe avocado.
If I'd known I couldn't have an epidural...
Eddie, you're not having contractions,
you're not listening... All right, fine! I'll try, shall I?
I'll try and have a contraction for you.
Call a gynaecologist, I'm going to dilate!
Just keep the women happy!
Perhaps you should give him a scan? He seems fine.
I don't think it's moving, you haven't checked the position for a while?
I'll come back and examine him. Can't you just do it now?
What are you doing? I'm locating my inner vagina - what does it look like?
I'll come back later. What are you going off to do?
I have all sorts of things to do. But I really think he needs...
Yes, all right - in a minute. No, no, no! No.
No, my husband has told you he's in pain, he's asked you for pethidine. I have asked you to examine him.
I've done this before and I'm not going to argue - that is my decision!
I just have this emergency to deal with,
and then I will come straight back to you.
Don't worry.
They don't give a fuck, do they?
You're being so brave.
I'm starving, what have we got to eat?
I've got a banana in my bag.
Just the one?
One banana?
No.
I'm in no condition to eat a banana.
Got some crisps?
Not allowed, they need to operate on an empty stomach.
I'll have them then. No. No! No, no!
You'll get crumbs everywhere, I'm trying to keep the place clean.
Did you get my magazines?
Lisa, I need my magazines.
There's a diet I want to look at, I need distractions.
I can't go through what you went through, I really can't.
The whole thing was a nightmare from start to finish.
Please don't call it a nightmare.
You didn't see what I saw.
People with their fists right up you, up to the elbow.
I'm glad I didn't see it. Sewing you up. Cuts.
Cutting. Blood gushing.
Like a shark attack.
It's worse for the man. Oh, poor you.
You didn't have to stand there
listening to the ear-splitting screams
while one congenital fuckwit after another came in,
rummaged around inside you and then fucked off for a smoke.
You didn't see them at the end, sewing you up.
Legs akimbo, marinating in your own blood and shit.
Great strings of blood, like drool.
I don't know why they invited me to watch, why did they do that?
They kept showing me your vagina, as though it were a holy relic.
Shut up, Eddie. Pull yourself together.
He was blue when he came out. Midnight blue and rubbery.
It happens all the time, it is normal.
You didn't even see it. Normal? He nearly died about three times!
But he didn't, they brought him back, and he's a beautiful boy and we got over it, and I am fine!
Well, you didn't, because... All right! ..because you were...
..mutilated.
And now it's all this.
God knows why I thought this would be any different.
I must be out of my fucking mind.
EDDIE GROANS IN PAIN
Oh.
Don't look at me.
My breasts are like udders.
If I have to swallow any more hormones,
I'll turn into a ladyboy.
Just try and get comfortable, sweetheart.
Hello.
When is he going into theatre?
We're just waiting on the anaesthetist.
Where is the anaesthetist?
Actually, the anaesthetist has just been called into theatre
to deal with an emergency. Argh!
How long will he be?
I don't know, I really don't know, who knows? Somebody must know?
They have a lot of stitching to do
and then they have to write up their notes.
It's very important that they write up their notes.
Just ask them how long. How long will it take?
Nobody knows these things.
No, no, no...
No, no!
When I do my job and somebody asks me
how long something is going to take, I fucking know.
I am paid to know because I am a professional!
Maybe an hour?
Maybe two.
Have you been induced? Yes!
I'm going to go bananas in a minute.
Are you in pain? Yes! He is!
What language do you want it in? You've already had a painkiller.
Well, it didn't work, obviously.
Do you need to go to the toilet? No thanks.
If you have a full bladder, it creates extra pressure.
Perhaps if you go to the toilet?
How am I supposed to do that? I'm a walking laboratory.
Just try, see how it feels.
What, now? Here?
Yes, yes - it's nice.
No, I can't do that. Try. I'm shy.
Is there a bedpan?
I can't do it with an audience.
Men can't do it with an audience, everybody knows that.
I will give you a catheter and drain your bladder.
And if you still don't feel better, then I will try
and find you some pethidine.
Where are you going to put that?
Where do you think? No, I beg you! It usually does the trick.
I'll piss! I'll have a piss! I'll piss for all I'm worth!
ALARM SOUNDS Oh, God - now what?
Hi. I'm Natasha, I'm the registrar on tonight.
Lisa, this is Ed. Hi, how are you feeling? He's in a lot of pain.
I'm in a lot of pain. That's unusual.
We need to change this sheet, please. When was he last examined?
I just examined him. That was hours ago! What time?
Around time when he had the suppository.
No, no - he hasn't had a proper examination yet! Yes, I looked.
No, you didn't. Well, I did. You didn't! I just did!
You just didn't, are you calling me a liar? Just sit up for me.
I'm going to need a cushion down there. Can you get me a little...
Something to sit on?
With a little hole in the middle, like a doughnut-shaped...
Like a travelling cushion, or something.
I think that would be very... Yeah, I'll see what I can do.
Oh...
Is everything OK?
Is the baby OK?
She's actually moved.
I knew she'd moved! I said she'd moved! What's wrong?
It's just that the cord's round baby's neck. I knew it, I knew it!
You just know, don't you?! We have to remove the cord from around her neck,
as quickly as possible. I just want to know that my baby's OK!
Is my baby OK? Can I get some help in here?
We'll pop you to theatre as quick as we can. Hello, how's it going?
The cord's around baby's neck and the heart rate's dropping.
Oh, dear - it's a shame when that happens.
Is theatre free? They've been busy all night.
Is it free now? Somebody's in there now.
Do you know when they'll be out? They only just went in.
Why did they go in? I don't know.
Do you think you could find out? OK, I'll try.
Tell them it's an emergency Caesarean. Quickly.
Have you been given a painkiller?
Yes, I asked for an epidural hours ago. He's had Panadol.
I think you're probably going to need something a bit stronger than that. Why?
Because, if we can't get you up to theatre, I'm going to try
and get my hand in there, shift that cord from around baby's neck.
You need to turn over for me, please.
Turn over, that's the way. I can't bear it, I can't bear it.
You're doing so well. I have to move it down and the baby to move round.
You're doing really well. In case there's a rupture. Very common in male pregnancies.
If the placenta's fused against the bowel wall,
it could be another reason he's in so much pain.
I want my epidural!
A strapping lad like you? I asked for it hours ago! You'll be fine.
She's going to turn the baby. They had to turn Charlie, it's normal.
What about this is normal?!
Don't worry, it's more flexible than you think down there.
Everything will spring back. We'll give you exercises. Exercises!
Just try not to clench. Just be as relaxed as you can...
Relax all your muscles.
It's much better that I do this now than later. Do I get a choice?
You can wait for theatre and have a general,
but I don't want to wait, I don't recommend any more delays.
Wait for theatre... I don't know how long we could be waiting. I want you to wait!
You'll have your section when theatre's free.
I have to dislodge this cord quickly.
What are they doing in there?! We've had a lot of emergencies... This is an emergency!
Tell them to start getting ready for theatre
and get ready to start moving him out, please.
And you need to take the tap from his hand, please.
Can you pack up all your bags now, please?
Can you take the tap from his hand, please? Uh-huh, I'm trying.
I must have screwed it too tight, I think.
Well, it's got to come out now. I don't know my own strength.
Please don't bruise him.
Pack up your things and get ready to move out now. Quickly.
Yes, now.
Now! Ow! Oh...
Careful! Are you insane? Are you doing it on purpose?
I'm sorry, I don't understand, it's really quite badly lodged.
Just let me do it. Will you be finishing your shift any time soon?
Surely there is another midwife?
Can you get some help moving this bed, please? Now, please?
I've changed my mind. I can't go through with it. No.
You can't change your mind. Can't you do anything else?
There is no other way this baby's coming out.
Now, pop your head down for me, and just brace yourself.
That's right, plenty of gas and air, please.
Big breaths.
Head down.
Push backwards against me. Breathe.
Ah, ah, oh!
I've just spoken to the surgeon, he says the theatre is free now.
What time did they finish?
They just finished, they're writing up their notes.
Eddie? What? It's your lucky day. Oh, God!
Let's roll him out!
Can you get that?
You all right?
You all right there?
Clear. To the right. OK?
Go, go, go!
Moving to theatre.
Lift doors clear.
OK, come on!
Go, go, go! Ow!
You didn't even see it. Normal? He nearly died about three times!
Hello.
Hi, how are you feeling?
Good. OK.
Bit sore?
Bit tender, yeah..
You'll have a bit of a scar down there, but I'm sure you don't mind.
It's pretty hairy down there, I don't think it's going to really...
How's your bum?
It's very hard for the men when they have these things done to them.
Has your boyfriend been in to visit you yet?
Erm...
Your partner.
Have they been in to see the baby?
Yes, this is my...
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were just the advocate.
I'm just the wife, he's just my husband.
It's complicated, I understand.
It's quite unusual for a married man to...
Unless, of course, there's a very good reason.
I'm sure it's private.
I'm heterosexual.
It's none of my business. He really is, completely.
Heterosexual. Absolutely.
Absolutely.
When can we see the baby?
Just waiting for the results from her blood test.
Is everything all right? Everything's fine.
The first results came back showing high antibodies,
so I wanted to try again.
High antibodies? What does that mean?
It means that the white blood cell count was low. That's bad, isn't it?
Either the test was tainted, or if it's accurate,
then she'll need antibiotics.
Where is she now?
She's in the high dependency unit, but it sounds worse than it is.
Nothing to worry about. Nobody told us.
I just told you. Is she all right?
A slight temperature, but it's nothing to worry about.
What's her temperature? It's 104. But it's nothing to worry about.
What we usually do is pop an IV in and get them on antibiotics
for 48 hours. I don't want her on antibiotics.
It's just a precaution. If there's a negative reaction, we'll take her off them.
I've read terrible things about antibiotics,
they'll strip her stomach...
They're very mild and if there's any sign...
You're not listening, just listen to her, Ed. You don't understand.
It's quite safe. But if you don't want us to... Well, I don't.
We would take her straight off them... I don't want you to.
You don't want us to try them at all?
So, that's a no from both of you? Yeah, it's a no.
I think I've made myself clear, it's a no, from both of us.
Sorry, my love, I just need to speak to your partner for a sec.
What are you thinking? I don't know, I really don't know.
I just don't know.
We need to establish whether she has a secondary infection
which is actively killing her white blood cells,
or whether she started life with a low count anyway.
So it's all her fault? Ed, just cool it, please.
Everybody's really trying to do their best.
Erm...
Yep, I'm saying yes. If you need my permission. Your permission?
You're giving permission for both of us? Well, I'm the mother.
But I'm the father! I'm the boss! You're not the boss.
And I'm the mother too, in a very real sense.
I'm your advocate, which means I need to make a decision.
We need to consult! I'm making an executive decision.
But how do you know? You're not qualified.
But I've done this before. Just calm down. I am calm!
I'm fucking calm! So shut up about it!
OK, my love - try not to get upset.
Have a glass of water.
Perhaps he'd like a magazine to look at.
We just really want to see our baby now.
I'll be honest with you -
we need to eliminate the possibility of a staph infection.
Staph? Staphylococcal. What does that mean?
It's just a systemic hospital infection, happens all the time.
Don't worry. But on the spectrum of hospital infections, what's it...?
From a one to a ten, what would it be?
Staph's an invasive infection, so her blood pressure may drop,
she may experience some swelling.
And if we don't treat it properly it can, in theory,
lead to a blood clot or organ failure in tiny babies.
But we don't know that it is staph yet. It's very unlikely.
The good news is that we've caught it early, and if we treat it now,
and it responds to treatment, she'll be home in a week.
Put it this way -
if she was going to catch some sort of nasty infection,
then this is the place to catch it.
It's lucky you caught me. I was just about to go home.
Come on.
Hello. I've just come to check your stitches.
Do you want anything from the shop?
A beer?
A Cornish pasty? No. A Guardian?
Would you like a Guardian? No.
I'm not hungry, I don't...
Whatever, I don't care.
What are you looking at?
Nobody wants the African midwife, eh?
Everybody thinks African midwives are so rough and tough.
We think Anglo-Saxons are very soft.
And you cry too much.
Why are you so unhappy?
Babies are life. Babies replace the dead.
Lift your top.
Oh, you're ticklish? No, no. You are. No, no - get off.
Hmm.
Mm-hm.
Mmm.
Hmm.
Mm-hm.
Mmm. What's wrong? This is very puffy.
Puffy? Puffed up, this scar.
How are you feeling?
Bit knocked about. Mm-hm.
Are you feeling fluey or icky?
I'm a bit, yeah.
Mmm, this is very oozy.
Oozy? Mmm, it's oozing a bit of blood still.
It's not good when they don't stop bleeding.
Is it itchy? Erm, yes.
Now you mention it, yeah. Mm-hm.
Puffy, itchy, oozy, fluey.
Puffy, itchy, oozy, fluey. Hmm.
Are you a haemophiliac?
No, why?
I don't understand why it's still oozing.
Hey...
And you are very bruised.
I think you could have a condition
that's quite conducive to a lot of bleeding.
It's not the same as haemophilia.
What it basically is, is very thin skin.
I have thin skin? Mm-hm.
That's your diagnosis? Your expert, medical opinion?
You are very pale still.
Have you ever been anaemic? Anaemic? No.
Do you take iron supplement? During my pregnancy.
White people always look very pale in hospital.
It's the fluorescent light. I always look very black at work.
Naturally, I am very black. The back of my knees are very, very black.
Something about the hospital accentuates it, yes.
Let's take your blood pressure, eh?
Cos we don't want you fainting when you get up to go to the toilet.
We don't want you passing out and squashing the baby flat.
Oh, dear, hmm.
Tut-tut-tut. Mm-hm.
What?
You managed to get me that cushion to sit on?
The little...
..doughnut-shaped...
I'll need it when we get home. I looked.
There must be something.
An inner tube or something?
Use your brains.
I'll look again. Travelling cushion, a neck pillow...
Look on the internet. Have you tried Amazon? I'm trying. Yeah, well...
..not trying hard enough.
Eddie, love, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain.
I really am trying my best.
Well, think about it.
I'm racking my brain.
Feel as if I'm doing all the work here.
Doing the work...?
I'm-I'm doing the work. I'm doing the work!
I'm the one that for nine months has been rushing around after you,
fetching and carrying, while you loaf around...eating.
I am like your butler.
Well, I'm sorry if I'm inconveniencing you.
Sorry, I'm just tired. Tired? Oh, that makes it all right(!)
Please stop snapping at me, Ed. Pull your finger out.
Do you know, I wasn't like this after Charlie was born.
You have no concept whatsoever of the pain...
I think I have some concept... No, of my pain. Male pain, man pain.
You have no idea how difficult this is. I think I do.
No, you don't, you never will. Unless you grow a penis.
If only! This shouldn't happen to a man. It's just not fair.
Oh, but it SHOULD happen to a woman?
Because it's quote unquote "normal" for a woman?
What about any of this do you think feels normal for a woman?!
Don't deliberately twist everything.
We were told it shouldn't happen the way it happened with you,
is what I meant. You were lucky it didn't happen.
Everything is different with a man. Yeah?! It's more complicated.
Psychologically.
Existentially. It's not a lobotomy.
And it's...so emasculating.
Yeah, you're frightened. I'm frightened. It's frightening.
You're beginning to sound like you regret it.
I just need some tenderness.
You never tell me that you love me any more.
You never tell me you love me any more.
Because I am busy having our baby.
No, I think you use that as an excuse to be bolshie
and really neurotic. Stop playing with my emotions.
You're so fucking manipulative. Oh, fuck off!
I wish I could. Or you could! I wish I could. Then go!
Leave me holding the baby. I will. You just watch me. Yeah, FINE!
Then I will divorce you and I'll take the house and I'll...
Divorce me, I'm waiting - I'M READY!
..get custody, you stupid bitch!
Are you happy now?
NO! NO!
SHE SOBS
Are you?
If anything happens to her, I'll go down to the cottage
and I'll borrow a gun off a farmer... Please don't say that.
Borrow a shotgun... You have a beautiful son.
..and start shooting people. Nothing is going to happen to her.
And then I'll shoot myself. You've just lost control.
Because I just want to die. You don't want to die.
Yes, I do.
I wanted to die...
..when we couldn't have babies.
When you had all the miscarriages.
I wanted to die when you were having Charlie.
And you were in here in the same bed and I thought you were going to die.
I thought he was going to die.
I wanted to die after you'd had him.
When we couldn't have any more.
He couldn't sleep, we couldn't sleep, he was always sick.
And now it feels like we're back at square one.
Go back to the start, do not pass Go, do not collect £200.
Go straight to the end of your fucking tether.
And it just seems to get exponentially...
And everyone is so platitudinous and insincere,
thanking God and all that shit.
Nobody ever tells the truth about it.
Because that's against nature.
To even privately think it isn't worth it, because it's taboo.
And even if it was worth it...
..the cost...
It's just so...disproportionately...
Do we know any farmers?
Hi.
Hi. Hi. So, baby's responding to antibiotics.
Temperature's going down and there's no evidence of staph,
so you should be home in a few days.
(Oh, my God.) Oh...
Oh, my God.
SOBBING: I'm just...s-so...
I'm... We're going home.
Thank God!
CUNT! Oh!
Oh, I could kiss you.
Thank you. You are a genius.
(We're going home.)
We're going home, sweetheart.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Ready to go? Oh, hi, yes.
Have you been doing your exercises? Every day.
Don't forget to clench, huh?
BOTH: Huuuuh!
Yeah, I have been, as though my life depends on it.
Strengthens your core.
Where's the car? I found a visitors' bay.
Give me the keys.
I'll go and get the baby. She's with the other midwives. Boom!
She needs a feed, so I'll fetch her some formula.
Thank you.
I'm really proud of you.
I'm proud of myself. How do I look?
You look nice. Do I look fat?
SHE LAUGHS
Oh, don't look at me... D-Don't. I've got a muffin top.
How do I look? Yeah, you look nice.
I treated myself. Do you like it?
Er... It's great.
Do you like my hair?
I did my...nails.
HE CHUCKLES
I'd forgotten how, erm...
I'd forgotten how...
Just...do that again. What have you been doing? What have you been up to?
Just think we need to be the people that we were before.
Before babies.
When we met. When we fell in love. When we got married.
Before we knew about...all this.
Do you remember those people? Yeah.
I liked those people.
To be young again.
How?
Don't know how.
Is there some sort of...procedure?
I'd just really like to try without medical intervention this time!
I want to, too.
(We don't ever have to do this ever again.) I don't want to, no.
We have everything we need and we're happy.
This is it. We're a family.
We're finished. Complete.
And I love you. I love you too.
I adore...
I love everybody.
BABY CRIES OUTSIDE ROOM
Listen.
The music of life.
Are you ready?
We haven't thought of a name. I have! Tell me. Well, I say that...
I've got it down to a list of ten. Right. 15. Ten or 15.
That's not going to be much help, is it? Oh, can you carry that?
Can you hold the bag? Cos I'm going to...
I thought I was going to name it after you and have Edwina,
and then there's always the Ed connotation...
What I really would like to do is to have...
MUSIC: Singin' In The Rain by John Martyn
# I'm laughing at clouds
# So dark up above
# The sun's in my heart
# And I'm ready for love
# Let the stormy clouds chase
# Everyone from the place
# Come on with the rain
# I've a smile on my face
# I walk down the lane
# With a happy refrain
# And singin'
♪ Just singin' in the rain... ♪
Subtitles by Ericsson
accessibility@bskyb.com