(LE FREAK BY CHIC PLAYING)
- I love this place! - Good times, Woodster. Good times, son.
I can't believe you haven't brought me here before.
Well, to be honest, I only found out about it meself tonight.
It's perfect!
There's just one thing slightly ruining it for me, though.
- What's that? - I can see your knickers.
I'll explain. Sexy undies are part of the dress code.
Although I don't think the bouncers would be too keen on your chicken legs.
You could be right.
By the way, that lipstick really brings out your eyes.
Thanks, mate.
I think those chicken wings really do something for your hair.
Cheers, B, it's just a shame this place has a no-wings policy.
Could be a problem.
We should distract 'em.
How?
Kiss me.
I thought you'd never ask.
Ready?
Three, two, one.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
And you're back with me.
(LAUGHING AND CLAPPING)
MAN: Marvellous.
Any requests?
Sí.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(SPITS)
Any other requests?
Yes, Great Fernando, I have one.
Tell the boss to give me a raise.
You will give a significant raise to your tall, gormless barman.
Who?
- Where am I? - Look at me. Look at me.
Tell me, what is your name?
- Brutus. - And you are?
Ripped By mstoll
♪ I can be wilder than the wind
♪ 119 miles an hour
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension
♪ Dancing doubles on the floor
♪ You think I'm crazy, a little bit hazy
♪ But I'm stone cold
♪ I can be wilder than the wind
♪ 119 miles an hour
♪ I'm in a whole other dimension
♪ Dancing doubles on the floor
♪ You think I'm crazy, a little bit hazy
♪ But I'm stone cold ♪
One bottle of beer for Mr Chicken.
Mr Chicken?
Good one, Zorro. Did you write that yourself?
We worked on it together.
Kind of joint effort, to be honest.
- Boom! - Boom.
I love the hypnotist convention.
It is my favourite time of the year.
You say that. I can't shake the sight of you in that lingerie.
Like two bags of wet pastry caught in a couple of fishing nets.
Oh, stop it, you're making me hungry.
Does anything not make you hungry?
There you go, Great Fernando.
Two margaritas, bottle of brandy, 55 euros.
Yes.
I have your money right here.
Here is your 55 euros.
And one for yourself.
Ta very much. Enjoy.
Hey, see what I mean? What a great bunch!
Zorro, while I remember, I've been thinking about giving you a raise.
Have you, boss?
Oh, that comes as a complete surprise.
There you go, son.
No, boss this is too much. (CHUCKLES)
But somehow it's not enough.
Hang on, B. Why don't you give it to him in smaller notes?
Yeah, yeah, no problem.
(BEEPING)
Here you go, son. Fill your boots.
Thank you, boss.
- I owe you one. - Yes, you do.
Remember, your words, not mine.
Hello, there. What can I do you for?
Actually, I need some help with a delicate matter and, well...
Go on, Mark, tell him.
People round here say you're the man we should talk to.
I'm all ears.
No, there's definitely more to you than that.
It's the thick shirt.
(INAUDIBLE)
WOODY: So it turns out that hypnotism isn't always just a bit of harmless fun.
Mark was a hypnotist here for the convention
and he performed the previous evening at the Hotel Festiva.
He was doing his usual act.
It was all going as planned.
But this was a hypnotist convention crowd.
They were connoisseurs. They expected more.
Mark's usual stick wasn't playing well.
He usually goes down a storm.
He really is a marvellous hypnotist.
- Sorry, you are? - Oh, Janice.
I'm his rock.
She's my rock.
Janice is Mark's rock.
And my wife.
Janice is Mark's rock and his wife.
Rock, wife, got it.
- So what did you do? - Well, I had to mix up the act,
so I tried something I'd never done before.
Bodypopping. Good choice.
Ignore him.
WOODY: Mark hypnotised an audience member
to believe he was involved in an armed robbery,
with Mark as the robber and the hypnotised man as the cop.
But something spooked him.
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
As he left the theatre, the hypnotised man screamed.
(AS ROBBER) "You won't get away with this, you lowlife scum!
"I'm coming back!
"I'm gonna shoot you dead!"
- That was right, wasn't it, Mark? - Yes, Janice.
So it's the old tracking-down- the-fellow-your-fellow-hypnotised-
to-kill-him-before-the-other- fellow-finds-your-fellow-
and-shoots-him-dead story.
Exactly.
We need to get him back so Mark can deprogram him
before he can cause any harm.
Wow!
- What are you thinking, Wood? - I'm thinking that's a nice ring.
Mark was given that when he joined the guild of hypnotists.
They gave you a ring?
It must be serious.
Has he even been listening to me?
He may look like an idiot and act like an idiot
and be an idiot but he was definitely listening.
So can you help us?
Why haven't you gone to the police?
We'd rather keep this under the radar, if possible.
This one mistake could kill his career.
So what does our man look like?
My wife has done a drawing. Janice?
This was the man.
Wow!
- Wow! - (CLEARS THROAT)
Wow!
Don't worry, we'll find him.
JANICE: I can't tell you what a relief that is.
- Oh, here's Mark's card. - Oh.
The Fabulous Mark.
Fabulous. Don't worry, Fabulous Mark. We'll be in touch.
- Fabulous. - Oh, oh, one thing before you go.
I've heard that it is possible to use hypnosis
to help with, um, how can I put this...
- Your weight problem? - (LAUGHS)
Weight problem? Get him. Good one.
I'm in the best shape of my life.
- Technically, that's not a shape. - (LAUGHS)
Bless him!
I don't have a weight problem.
Then, what's it about?
It's my weight problem.
I was thinking, seeing as you're a hypnotist, you could maybe...
Yeah, well, I could hypnotise you right now if you like.
Baby, do you think that's a good idea after everything you've been through?
I think Mark needs a rest.
(STAMMERS) I could do with a rest.
No, you're right. Yeah. Stupid idea. Forget it.
I'll head off down to the gym and do it the old-fashioned way.
So you want to lose weight?
- Yeah, can you do it? - Not a problem. Let's get started.
Whoa, how long was I under?
Oh, this is going to be easier than I thought.
WOODY: While Brutus was having his head examined by The Great Fernando,
I started tracking down The Fabulous Mark's pretend policeman.
A man's life was at stake
and nothing was going to distract me from the job in hand.
Melody!
(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING IN DISTANCE)
Well, this is nice.
We should definitely make this a regular thing.
Why don't we make Tuesday
Woody Stares In Silence At Melody's Frowning Face Day from now on?
Go away. I'm not in the mood.
Now, call me oversensitive
but I have a very developed feminine side. It's my left side.
And I'm picking up that there's something very slightly bothering you.
Ugh! It's Donald!
He's been injured and now he's confined to a wheelchair.
Ugh, that man is so selfish!
- What happened? - He broke his toe on someone.
- On something? - No, someone.
And now he wants me to play proper wifey
and he wants me by his side 24/7.
You're doing a great job.
This is the first break I've had in a week!
I didn't sign up for this. I think I'm losing my mind.
Melody, remember,
a problem shared is a problem to laugh at, halved, whatever.
Why don't you start from the beginning?
Ugh! It's Donald!
Yeah, I didn't mean the beginning of the conversation.
No, it's actually him.
Melody! There you are.
I want the loo and I need a hand.
- Ugh, tell me he doesn't mean... - Yes, he does.
- Oh, I need a break. - No.
You need a disposable glove.
Hang on. I think I've got a solution.
And when you wake up, this mop will be your wife...
Melody.
Your beautiful wife Melody with her beautiful hair,
her lovely legs and her exquisitely proportioned...
All right, Fernando, wind it up.
Listen, young lady, he can't see you and the mop at the same time.
- It'll break the illusion. - Oh, okay.
All right. One second.
Off to the shops?
No, if I'm quick, I can finally finish my pilot's licence.
You're full of surprises.
Oh, you don't know the half of it.
- You owe me for this. - Yeah, yeah, whatever you want.
- Except for that, of course. - Of course.
And you're back with us in three, two, one.
(SNAPS)
Melody! Melody! Oh, there you are.
My ear hair needs trimming again.
You'd love to?
Oh, good girl.
Oi, are you looking at my wife?
- No. - Pervert!
WOODY: Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah, not getting distracted from the job in hand.
So where does a man who's hypnotised to think he's a cop go first?
(DINGS)
- Sí? - (GERMAN ACCENT) Ah, Spanish.
Such a beautiful language.
Your mother, she was a handsome woman?
You still have the feelings for her, ja?
- Don't I know you? - Perhaps.
My name is Hans.
Dr Hans... Freedialling.
Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Samver in Austria.
My turn for questions.
When was the last time you cried like a baby?
- What? - Never mind.
Do you know this man?
What is this? I don't have time for this.
I'm very busy.
All right. Who is this man?
This man has lost his marbles.
(SIGHS)
And where did he lose them?
No, you do not understand.
He is crackers, nuts, bananas. The whole picnic.
He thinks he is a policeman.
Do you know anyone that thinks they are a policeman?
I think I am a policeman.
Yes, but you do not think you are.
- I think I am. - No, but you do not think you are.
Then what am I?
What do you think you are?
- A policeman. - Is that what you think?
- I think so. - I thought so.
I'll take this, Sergeant, thank you. Thank you.
Excuse me, Mr...
Dr Hans... Upitzaraid.
Excuse me, Doctor. I have an idea.
Follow me. I'll take you to the missing persons room, hmm?
In there, look.
Problem solved.
Now you have gone missing for wasting police time.
- Hasta luego. - Hasta what?
You can't do this to me!
I demand to speak to the embassy!
Tell me about your childhood.
Were you fed from the bottle?
Hello!
(SIGHS)
(SCREAMING)
Have you calmed down now?
I know my human rights.
I want my statutory phone call.
- You're free to go. - This contravenes the Geneva Convention.
I want to call someone.
- Anyone! - Do you need more time to yourself?
Okay, I'm going! I'm going!
So many issues!
You're telling me.
- Any developments? - Two.
Great. Well?
One, your man isn't where I thought he would be.
So we can rule that out. Which is good, in a way.
What was the other development?
Two, Brutus's hypnotism obviously didn't work.
Huh! That is where you're wrong, see.
'Cause Fernando has reversed my whole relationship with food.
And from now on, the more I eat, the less I weigh.
You've got a problem.
- Oh, I've got a problem? - You've got a problem.
- I've got a problem. - He's got a problem.
You do have a problem.
Look, Janice said if you can't find him,
I should get our money back and we'll find someone who can.
I understand.
So if we can't help find your person,
you'll find someone who can help find your person.
Do you want me to help find a person to help find your person?
I mean, I would but I'm busy at the moment
helping find a person for a person.
I want my money back, please.
Don't be so hasty, Fabulous Mark.
- I've got an idea. - He's got an idea.
All we need to do is for you to put on another show.
He'll see the posters and come straight for you.
But he wants to kill me!
No, he only thinks he wants to kill you.
How is that any different?
Relax. We'll put people all around the venue to protect you.
As soon as he arrives, we grab him and then you dehypnotise him.
And I've got just the place where you can do it.
My mate Jimmy the Ferret's club.
Of course. Jimmy the Ferret's club.
Who's Jimmy the Ferret?
- He's my mate. - You said.
And why is he called Jimmy the Ferret?
Well, it's a funny story, actually.
I just wish I could remember it.
Did it involve a ferret?
I am going to say yes.
WOODY: Don't you worry, Mark.
With me, Jimmy the Ferret and Brutus the Brain,
you're in safe hands.
(COMIN HOME BABY BY MEL TORMÉ PLAYS)
Nice little crowd. I think we're onto a winner.
15% of the door, 10% of the bar,
my mate Jimmy the Ferret is well happy.
(SOFTLY) Jimmy!
Yeah, great. Just one thing.
What about the man who's trying to kill me?
Well, he's not at the bar.
- But I did get this. - Great. What is it?
Barmaid's number. We're going for pizza later.
This is not a good idea.
You think skip the pizza, go straight to karaoke?
- You could be right. - Mark, you'll be fine!
We'll put our people everywhere to be primed and ready to pounce.
I can't do this.
There you go.
Hypnotism is a load of cobblers.
I don't know why you dragged me in here.
It's like you've got hypnotism on your brain today.
Large scotch.
And what are you having?
Ooh, that is a good idea. In fact, we'll have a bottle.
Bring 'em to our table, would you?
We really need to get started, Fabulous Mark.
Yeah, it's Janice, my...
Yeah, I know, your rock and your wife.
We really need to get started, Fabulous Mark.
Listen to me, Janice.
I just want to get this sorted out once and for all.
No, you're right. It's far too dangerous.
Janice is right. It's far too dangerous.
- I don't know what I was thinking. - Huh?
- I need to leave. - Huh?
- Hey, you can't go! - Where's he going?
- He's going. - Yeah, where's he going?
- He's gone. - Right, you know what we need to do?
- Go on. - We need to go.
- Go? - Go.
We can't go!
If we go, Jimmy the Ferret will feed us to his ferret.
Ah, I remember the story now.
It's not that funny after all.
- What are we going to do? - Don't worry, B.
You're about to see someone put the "hip" into "hypnotist".
And the "no".
And the "tist".
BRUTUS: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
at Ferret's Night Club,
hypnotist extraordinaire,
- the Fabulous Mark! - (SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Yes, I am the Fabulous Mark.
And I am a hypnotist.
You, sir, sleep.
You, madam, wake up the show has started.
What you're about to witness you will never forget.
Unless, of course, I hypnotise you to forget.
In which case, you will never remember.
So, to recap,
tonight will either be the most unforgettable or forgettable night
of your lives.
MAN: Get on with it!
Who said that?
You, sir, stand up.
What is your name, sir?
- Greg. - Or is it?
- Yes. - Or is it?
- Yes. - No!
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Shirley!
It can be a man's name, too.
Before the show, I hypnotised Shirley
to believe he was an annoying audience member named Greg
who stands up and heckles me.
Round of applause for Shirley!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
I'm not Shirley!
My name is Greg!
See me after the show, Shirley.
Right, who else wants to be hypnotised?
- Me! - Me!
Go on, love. Why don't you volunteer?
Bit of fun. I'd love to see you hypnotised.
What about you, madam?
- We have a volunteer! - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Over here!
Choose my wife.
See if it works on her.
And sleep! And act like a dog and leave!
Amazing!
The power of the mind!
What about you, sir?
No.
- Me? No. - Yes.
You owe it to yourself and me.
Get up here now!
- Round of applause! - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
And what is your name, sir?
Well, actually, I'm glad you asked because my name is actually...
Yeah, great and sleep!
You are now in a deep, deep sleep.
And under the power of the Fabulous Mark,
when I count down from three,
you will wake up and immediately drop your trousers.
Ohh...
In three, two, one!
(LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING)
And sleep!
How about that, ladies and gentlemen?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)
(MAN WHISTLING)
Now, who would like to see him eat his trousers?
(ALL CHEERING)
In three, two, one.
So, there's good news and bad news. And bad news.
And the good news?
We got to see a grown man eat his own trousers.
Not all of 'em, but he gave it his best shot.
Did my guy turn up at the show?
That's the bad news. And the bad news.
This isn't working. What was I thinking?
- Wait! - What?
Who's ordering pudding?
It's quarter past 10 in the morning.
I've had enough of this. I'm not taking any chances!
- I need to protect me and Janice. - Whoa!
- Where did you get the gun? - A guy at the docks.
I slipped out this morning while Janice was asleep.
Easy, tiger.
- We won't be needing that. - Well, have you got a better idea?
- I've always got a better idea. - He's always got a better idea.
Here's the better idea. We've been out looking for this guy
when all this time, he's been looking for you.
So what?
So, the only place he definitely knows you've been
is the place you hypnotised him. It's obvious.
- He'll be staking out the hotel. - Of course!
And there's only one way to flush out a stakeout.
BOTH: Stakeout the stakeout.
Right. Let's go.
(PANTING)
My belt shrunk again.
WOODY: There's nothing I like to do more than staking out a stakeout.
Apart from twerking.
Who doesn't like twerking?
But this wasn't the time for twerking.
I should stop saying the word "twerking".
This was the time for tracking down our man.
And I had an eye for this kind of thing.
Not him.
Or him. Definitely not him.
Could be her.
Twerking. I said it again.
BRUTUS: 10-4, big boy.
- (SIGHS) - This is the Doughnut King,
breaker, breaker, do you copy?
Yes, hello, Doughnut King.
I knew these walkie-talkies had range,
I didn't realise they went all the way back to the 1970s.
You're just jealous 'cause I've got the old CB-speak down pat.
I used to have a CB so I know what I am talking about.
I remember once when I was a kid
talking to a lorry driver called Frank from the Midlands and he was...
WOODY (IN AMERICAN ACCENT): Yeah, 10-4 on that,
I'm blowing smoke up the freeway 'cause I am the Boastie Toastie.
You chow down on a mothball and I won't be a ratchet jaw
so I'll back off the hammer, I'm waiting to put an eyeball
on the Bear anyhow.
So I'll holler in a short while. Do you copy?
Wow! I'll take it back. You are good.
I'll take that back. He is good.
Anyway, Frank said I'll meet you at Watford Gap services...
- Has Woody spotted that man? - Oh, yeah.
Big Boy, have you eyeballed the target?
If I see anything I'll drop the hammer, 10-4.
Roger that. I'll be on the doughnuts.
Oh, that's better.
- (WALKIE-TALKIE FEEDBACK BLARING) - Ah!
- Oh, sorry. - No problem.
Excuse me?
I wonder if you can help me? I'm looking for a policeman.
(CHUCKLES) You lost your mummy?
No, but you're a policeman, right?
Not me.
It's just I was told you were a policeman on a case?
Now, listen to me.
Relax.
You've got the wrong man.
Please leave me alone. Now, go.
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
Woody to Brutus, I think I've found our man.
But something's not right.
B? Come in, B?
- You've spotted him? - WOODY: Mark? Where's Brutus?
Gone to get more snacks.
- Where did you see the man? - He just got in the lift.
Looks like he's headed for the roof. I need to speak to Brutus.
Mark? Mark?
(SIGHS)
BRUTUS: Big Boy! Big Boy!
- What are you doing? - I found this bar.
I'm stocking up on supplies.
- I got you a pretzel. - No, you didn't.
No, you're right. They are for me.
B, I think we've been had. If I'm right, which I am,
our hypnotised audience member isn't a hypnotised audience member at all.
And our hypnotist might not even be a hypnotist.
Follow me? Good. Follow me.
(SIGHS) I'll get the pretzels on the way back.
What are you doing?
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
You're trying to kill me.
I've never seen you before in my life.
I have to shoot you. This is the only way.
(LIFT BELL DINGS)
Three,
two...
Wait, one and three-quarters.
Listen to me. Listen, you don't have to shoot.
I have to stop him.
Whatever you think you're doing here, it's not what you're really doing here.
You don't know who he is.
- Who is he? - He's the man I hypnotised.
You think you could hypnotise me, The Astounding Stephen?
Who do you think you are?
- He thinks he's The Fabulous Mark. - Shut up! I am The Fabulous Mark.
- And who are you? - I'm The Remarkable Woody.
- Put your hands up, Woody. - The Remarkable Woody, please.
Not now, Remarkable Woody.
And you.
I'm Brutus, by the way, I haven't got an adjective.
Shut up!
Hey, don't be such a chump! Hand over the gun.
I'm not a chump. I'm The Fabulous Mark.
No, you're not. You've just been hypnotised
to think you're The Fabulous Mark.
Shut up!
JANICE: Mark! What you doing?
He's got a gun. Stand back, sweetheart. I'll protect you.
- And sleep. - Mmm.
STEPHEN: My god!
- Susan! - Stephen.
- Janice? - Mark.
What are you doing? He's trying to kill me.
No, he isn't. Is he, Janice?
Sorry. Is he, Susan?
Mark, listen to me.
And sleep. That's better.
Never hypnotise someone to do a job you can do yourself.
What are you talking about, Susan?
- What job? - Simple.
She hypnotised Mark to believe he was a hypnotist
who hypnotised you into wanting to kill him.
You were about to be shot in self-defence.
Me and Dozy here were meant to be witnesses.
The only thing I can't work out is why she did it.
But she's no hypnotist. She's my ex-wife.
Ah, and there you have it.
I've become a much better hypnotist then you ever were, Stephen.
You'll probably be wanting your ring back.
You're in the guild?
Oh, yes, since you left me, for that strumpet!
- He has got a name! - SUSAN: I wanted revenge.
I trained as a hypnotist myself so I could commit the perfect murder.
Sorry, can I just check?
Do you mean this murder?
'Cause I'm not sure if perfect is how I would describe it.
I don't think you understand.
When Stephen left me, I didn't know what to do.
And so I relaxed
and went into a deep, deep sleep.
And point the gun at my ex-husband, Woody.
And pull the trigger, Woody.
What a minute. Can't you see what she's trying to do?
Don't listen to her. Listen to me, Woody.
Relax. Picture the sea.
And point the gun at my ex-wife.
Don't listen to his voice, Woody. Listen to my voice.
Pull the trigger, Woody, and then you can sleep.
- Don't do it, Woody. - Do it, Woody.
(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Don't be a hafta, Woody,
'cause she was messing with your mind. Wake up, you flaming galah!
Sleep, Woody, sleep.
(SPANISH ACCENT) Wake up, Mr Woody.
She's messing with your head, Mr Woody.
Wake up, Mr Woody!
Wake up. Enough!
You can try and get to me
but there's thousands in here ready to take over.
Astounding Stephen,
Susany Janice, after you.
Can someone wake up old beefy here?
Who's got the pretzels?
- What'd I miss? - Well, to recap...
What that Janice did to poor Mark makes me sick!
Either that or it's the four chickens you ate this morning.
Listen, Woodster, between you and me...
Is your massive belly, I know.
It's pressing against my knee.
I don't think this diet's working.
I'm going to ask The Great Fernando for a refund.
Don't worry, B. I bumped into him earlier
and I got you your money back.
Nice one. I owe you.
- Have this on me. - Yeah, thanks.
(DISTANT SHOUTING)
Boss! Come quick!
The crazy old man is attacking the crazy old lady.
(DONALD SHOUTING)
(BOTH SHOUTING)
That woman is drowning my wife!
- DONALD: I love her! - Oh, great.
Get off her! Let her go!
Hold your breath, my darling.
Donald. Don't worry, honey, I'm here.
Melody? Melody?
- Melody? - Woody! Help!
Zorro, distraction, trousers.
I love this place.
And sleep.
Hey!
(CHEERING)
WOODY: Gamberos Casino.
Someone on the inside is on the take. It's our job to flush them out.
Give me some sugar!
(SCATTING)
They say that if I don't pay back within 24 hours,
they are going to take my knees away.
Boom! Kick!
- I am amongst you. - What do I care?
That is Señor Big.
Boom-badda-bang, badda-boom-bang-bang!
Is she winding me up?
Oh, no! My husband's choking!
Give him room! He needs air!
- Hot maraca! - Oh, darling! Yes!
Don't let me down, Woody.
Don't worry, Mr De Luca. I probably won't.
Ripped By mstoll