sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Class we have a new student today.
His name is Swingley.
- I'm Swingley! - [yelling] I just said that!
Now, take the open seat next to...
Dylan Beekler. [Kids gasp]
[Thunder crashes]
Eh, it's not that bad. I sat next to Dylan last week.
[Screams]
I'm Swingley.
I can draw a map of the United States from memory.
Wanna see me hold my breath until I pass out?
Tell me, what cemetery should I put you in?
- I assume, Jewish? - Okay, I'll show you.
[Inhales]
Whoa, you're really turning blue. You could totally die.
[Snoring]
♪ This is real ♪
♪ And I'll get home somehow ♪
Badass. [Bell rings]
All right, kids. Dylan really wet the bed this time.
[Gasps]
[singsongy] Dylan wets the bed!
[Laughing]
No, no, no, no!
[Screams]
[Gasps]
Oh, no! Ugh.
[Snoring]
Phew.
Dammit! She's still on that thing?
My mom has got to start dating.
[Music]
[Gun cocks] [Gunshots]
It's done.
[Whimpering]
- I didn't see nothing. - Good.
[Gun cocks]
[Theme music plays] # Golan! Golan! #
For consideration as the newest acolyte
In the cult of Golan, I present to you...
- Swingley! Aah! - Boo!
But, master, Swingley is the ideal soldier!
Why are you selling this schmendrick so hard?
Oh my god! You have a crush!
You wanna be all... [mimicking kissing]
No, I don't like that spaz Swingley.
I just think he would make the perfect human shield, that's all.
- Aah! - Silence!
For I already found the ideal candidate!
Keith Knudsen! [Fanfare]
My sister's douchy boyfriend?
And you only want him in the cult because you
think he'll invite you to his stupid birthday party.
Dylan, this is no common birthday shindiggery.
It's Keith's sick 17!
If I get invited and go to that party,
I'll be so cool, ice cream will eat me and get a headache.
Sorry, Golan, for I hereby use my veto gnome
to nullify your nomination.
[Gasps]
I wouldn't use that gnome if I were you...
bed-wetter.
What? [Nervous chuckle] I don't wet the bed.
Right, right. Grant, can you come here, real quick?
Always good to see you, Grant. Put her, there!
[Laughing]
Get out of here, you piece of garbage. I love you.
Son of a bitch!
Either you abstain from using the veto gnome on Keith,
or I'll tell everyone that you wet the bed...
including your precious Swingley.
Fine, you can have Keith! Ugh!
Keith is gonna be in the cult! Yay!
[Thuds] Oww!
All right, Keith, let's go over your sick 17 guest list.
Right. We got DJ Oak Groove to keep the beats going.
We got the mayor for political reasons.
Tall Gabe, in case any of the balloons get loose.
And most importantly, Class Clown Kevin for the laughs.
[Phone chimes] Oh no!
Class Clown Kevin O.D.'ed last night. [Laughs]
Oh, Kevin, funny till the end.
But, Alexis, every party needs a funny guy.
[Tire pops] [Screaming]
Babe, the tire's gone all silly!
Aah!
[Ominous chanting]
Dylan, Golan, what the hell?
[demonic voice] Keith Knudsen, Jr., you are invited to be
the third testicle in the scrotum that is...
Golan's army!
Prepare to face the 10 torturous...
Screw that! You're in, Keith!
[Blows kazoo]
- Uh, what? - Now, Keith, hey.
Is there anything you'd like to invite me to, in return?
A certain party you might be throwing or...
You wanna be invited to my sick 17?
- Yeah, right. - Like we'd ever invite
you two dildweebs to Keith's sick 17!
It'll be so sick, it'll be on the local news!
Now, if you'll excuse us, Alexis has to patch up a tire.
I told you we should have gone with Swingley!
- All you do is embarrass yourself, Golan. - I embarrass myself?
Ha! You're the one who wets the bed.
Wait, did you just say that Dylan wets the bed?
[Laughing]
Golan!
Dylan, I thought you stopped wetting your bed at five?
She must have meant 5:00 A.M.
[Laughing] Ooh, you just got smoked!
Oh, Golan, you are way funnier than Class Clown Kevin,
may he rest in peace.
[Gasps] Alexis, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Looks like we found a new funny guy for your party.
Five, six, seven, eight!
- # Uh-oh! # - # Oh-oh! #
♪ Who could it be? ♪
♪ It's Keith with an invite to his sick 17! ♪
- # It's gonna be sick! # - # It's gonna be tight! #
Both: # so won't you please tell us that we'll see you that night! #
[Laughing]
Oh, yeah! Yes! Yes!
A million times yes!
A million times and one yes...
A million times two and yes...
Swingley, it looks like you'll never be my human shield.
Unless I stop wetting the bed!
Aah! The bed is soaking wet!
Dylan, you peed the bed again!
What? No. I'm not even in the bed.
Oh, really? Then why is the bed wet?
And why is my urethra wet, huh?
And why is my bladder empty? Oh, my god!
[Gasps]
You mocked me for wetting the bed when all this
- time it was you! - Dylan, please don't laugh at me.
Oh, don't worry, buddy, I'm not gonna laugh.
- I'm just gonna tell Keith. - Aah!
[Phone ringing]
- Give me that! - Hey!
Aargh!
Hey!
- Aah! - Ha!
[Laughs]
Please, no! Dylan, I'll do anything!
- Anything! - Fine, I'll keep my mouth shut
- if you let Swingley into the cult. - What? Swingley?
But, he looks so weak! I mean, does he even lift?
Decision time, Golan. What's it gonna be?
Hello, this is Keith, leave me a message after the beep.
[Beeps]
Swingley, this is Fred. He's your exact blood match.
You're gonna be cured! You're gonna...
Felicitations, lowly scum!
You have the honor of being abducted
in the name of Golan the Insatiable!
You're Dylan from school. I think you're pretty.
Silence! This is strictly business!
Am I prettier than Mackenzie B.? Answer me!
Never mind, there's no time!
Swingley: I like it in here.
So, what do you think of the setup, Dad? [gulps, spits]
Junior, need I remind you that ever since the Knudsen
family fled Knudladesh every single Knudsen sick 17
has made it on the local news?
And I don't see anything here that is local newsworthy!
Take my advice, get yourself a wheelbarrow,
fill it to the brim with cocaine.
Mr. Knudsen, Keith has a better idea.
He's taking his sick 17 to a whole other dimension!
- The third dimension. - Uh, that's right, Dad.
My entire party is gonna be presented in 3D.
- Ooh! - Ooh, huh?
I hope to god you two morons know what you're doing,
because if your sick 17 does not make the local news,
then you're dead to me.
[Phone rings]
- Hey, boss, how can I help you? - Hey, Knudsen,
your son's sick 17 gonna make the local news?
I'm trying, sir!
Well, he better, Knudsen, or you're dead to me.
Is your employee's son's sick 17 gonna make the local news?
- I'm trying, honey. - Well, he better, sweetie,
or you're dead to me.
[Baby gibberish]
I'm trying, boo-boo.
[Baby gibberish]
I get kidnapped a lot.
Here, here, Golan, I dutifully present to you
Swingley for initiation!
Hey, Dylan, are these sneakers too casj for Keith's party
or just casj enough, huh? I think they're just casj enough.
Um, Golan, I'm trying to indoctrinate Swingley
into your slavedom over here.
Ugh, that's now? Okay, fine. Swingley, uh...
to prove your loyalty and stuff, um, do some jumping jacks,
uh, with this cookie in your butt cheeks.
Oh, now I'm starting to think these sneakers are too casj.
You guys are so much nicer than the last couple who kidnapped me.
[Grunts]
- One... two... - Now, hear me out, Dylan.
If I get Keith a shark tooth necklace, he'll think I'm cool for a day,
- but if I get him a whole shark... - seven, eight...
Golan, stop being such a douche!
You know what? Since you're not gonna help,
I'll just go ask Carole about the shark.
If you're not gonna take this seriously, then I'm gonna tell Keith
- that you wet the bed. - ...eight, nine, 10.
- Golan wets the bed? - Swingley, do not laugh.
[Giggling] You wet the bed!
[Laughing]
[Screeching]
Oh, my god! What the hell is that?
- Oh, crap, it's my Shamunculous! - What's a shamaphulupagus?
It's a Gkruoolian demon that feeds off my shame.
You released it after you laughed at me for wetting the bed!
[Screaming]
[Silence]
- Swingley, are you okay? - That's not Swingley anymore.
I'm gonna tell everyone that Golan wets the bed. [Laughs]
Argh!
And as your shame grows, so will I.
[Laughs]
Argh!
Ha!
And soon I will grow powerful enough to destroy you.
[Laughs]
Aah!
- Swingley! - Oh, good.
- Is he alive? - No, he's dead, thank god.
Oh, it's, uh, getting late,
and I got a couple pre-party stops to make,
so why don't you just brick him up in the wall
and seal away this secret forever? [Chuckles]
That would be so pimp of you. [Cries]
Hey, listen, Dylan.
if you wanna say goodbye in a biblical sense,
you got about an hour, hour and a half tops
before the flesh gets all gamey.
[Sighs]
- Goodbye, Swingley. - I'm Swingley.
Swingley, you're alive? [Gasps] You're alive!
Ha, that's cool. I didn't care. I don't care.
I passed out from low blood sugar,
but my body absorbed that cookie, so now I'm okay.
Can you get me out of here?
Sure, hold on, I'll... Wait a minute.
How do I know you're really you and not the monster?
If I were the monster, could I tap dance like this?
[Humming]
Well, even if you are the monster, I just gotta see those fancy feet.
[Grunts]
[Demon chuckles]
Uh-oh.
I'm gonna tell everyone that Golan wets the bed.
[Laughing] [Gasps]
Well, look at you go. You're a fantastic little dancer.
Thank you, Mrs. Beekler.
[Laughs]
Keith's party's gonna be so sick. Super excluse, too.
Only the coolest people get to go.
You could be my plus one if you were minus twenty.
[Laughs]
[Demon laughing]
Aah! Swingley, come back here!
What the hell?
- Argh! - Aah!
Whoa, I almost forgot Keith's awesome present.
Oh, yeah.
[Demon laughing] Swingley, stop!
Oh, well the hell, Dylan? All you had to do was bury
the dead kid, but I guess your boner got in the way.
- I do not like Swingley. - Oof!
Prepare to die, Shamunculous!!
Wait, Golan, Golan, no! His eyes aren't red,
he's not the shame monster anymore.
[Demon laughs]
I'm going to tell everyone Golan wets the bed.
Huah, hup, yah!
Oh, no! The shame monster can jump from host to host!
Argh!
- Oof! - Aah!
Golan, wait, don't bash his stupid head in!
- Aww... - Look, it's in the pigeon now!
I'm gonna tell everyone that Golan wets the bed.
Argh!
- Grandpa, get him! Hya! - Aah!
Oh, great. The Shamunculous pigeon has gotten away!
Thanks a lot, Dylan! He could be going anywhere.
If he gets his power from your shame, then he's probably
going to the one place he can embarrass you the most.
I know where that is. Keith's party!
Keith's party? Oh, I'll be so embarrassed,
it'll create a Shamunculous so powerful it will destroy us all.
They we shall go to Keith's party,
and kill the Shamunculous before he embarrasses you!
Yeah! We're going to Keith's party!
♪ I thought I told you that ♪ [Music]
♪ Minnesota's the new California ♪
I do not understand.
Everybody's wearing their 3D glasses, why isn't the local news here?
- Because your party sucks! - Dad?
Now, Junior, I want you to see something.
- Oh! - This used to be my biggest disappointment.
But now? Now it's you.
It's still early! The local news could still show up, Dad!
Dad? I'm not a dad. I can't be...
'because I don't have a son. [Gasps]
[Laughs]
- [Coughing] Oh, god. - Dylan: Hurry, come on!
We need to find the person with the red eyes and kill it!
But we can't see anyone's eyes. They're all wearing 3D glasses!
Keith's party's in 3D? Awesome!
And don't even try to talk me into seeing it in 2D
like you did with "Gravity", Dylan.
Everyone else got a completely different experience.
Show yourself, Shamunculous!
- Ugh. - Dammit! Blue eyes.
Come on, everybody, we have to work fast.
- Hugh! - Oof!
Hello, local news? I wanna report a party in 3D.
It's crazy over here!
Ugh, give it up, Alexis. We're shutting the party down.
- But, Keith... - Shut it down.
Keith! Keith, I got you a shark!
We can rip out its teeth and make necklaces for each other, huh?
It's too late, Golan. The party's over!
Everyone go home and hug your fathers...
while you still got them. And please...
deposit your 3D glasses into the bins on your way out.
Oh, no.
Keith hated my present, and I ruined the party.
Now I'll never be cool. My special day is ruined.
- Everything is all about me! - Aquamarine, no.
Blue-green, no.
Burnt sienna, beautiful, but no.
I'm sorry I brought you into this, sharky.
I think it's time for you to fly home.
Go on. Take to the air with your small fleshy wings.
That's it. You almost... there you go.
You almost got it. Keep flapping.
With these 3D glasses,
this shark looks like it's right here in front of...
Aah! It feels so three dimensional!
So three dimensional!
Aah! Keith, a shark is attacking the party!
- Should we call 911? - No way. Call... the local news!
[All cheer]
♪ Minnesota's the new California ♪
Reporter: We're live at the Knudsen residence
where a shark has turned one healthy get-togeth...
into a sick-ass rager!
The son of a bitch actually did it! I'm sorry, Mr. Brown.
I will not be signing those adoption papers.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to give my son his birthday present.
An empty wheelbarrow. Whoo-hoo!
Well, Allister, it looks like it's back
to the musical orphanage for you.
♪ I had a chance, it went away ♪
♪ Easy come, easy go, I'll try another day ♪
♪ I'll try another day! ♪
[Applause]
♪ Minnesota's the new California ♪
Keith, reporter number two with local news here.
- How did your party get so sick? - Well, bro, it wasn't all me.
In fact, I have to thank somebody who earned
their cool badge tonight doubletime.
Golan the Insatiable! Golan, come on, get up here!
- Golan, Golan, Golan! - What? No, stop it. Really?
Dude, I've taken everyone's glasses off.
None of these douche bags are the shame monster.
Not now, Dylan, I'm about to get my official
cool confirmation from my best bro, Keith.
[Gasps] It's Keith! He must be the shame monster!
- Out of my way, loser. - And here he is!
The coolest guy I know, Golan...
the bed-wetter. [Gasping]
[Laughs] Huh? What's that now?
No...
That's right, everyone. Golan wets the bed.
[Laughing]
Golan the Insatiable? More like Golan the Incontinent!
No, no! Don't laugh at me!
I'm so ashamed!
[Roaring]
[Screaming]
Mayday! Mayday!
No! My local news coverage!
- Aah! - I'm a human shield! Ugh!
[Gasps] Swingley!
Swingley, scream in pain if you're alive!
- Aah! - I've served my purpose.
- Aah! - No, Swingley.
You're so much more than a human shield.
I was just too embarrassed to admit that I...
- Aah! - actually... liked you.
Like, like-liked you, okay?
So, shut up! You're stupid! I like you!
And I'm not embarrassed to admit it.
[Screeching]
What the... The Shamunculous is shrinking!
By not being ashamed! I weakened it, Golan.
[Mockingly] Whoa-ho-ho!
Look at the little detective figuring out the big case.
Everyone, look! The monster feeds off shame!
So, just admit your embarrassing secrets and strip it of its power!
[Screeching]
I got this. I'm not ashamed to admit
that my back is covered in anti-semitic tattoos.
[Shrieks]
[Laughing]
And I'm not ashamed to say,
I've got a partially-chewed honeycomb in my pants!
[Shrieks]
Oh, yo. Lay it all out there, buddy.
And I'm not ashamed to say,
that Dylan is really my daughter.
[Laughing]
And I'm not ashamed to admit
that I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and savior,
but Captain Crunch as my lord of flavor.
- I feed my dog his eye boogers. - And I don't tip women.
I found a loophole and legally married a tree.
I'm scared of ladies.
[Shrieking]
Ah! Golan! Everyone's admitted their shame but you!
You have to admit you pee the bed
and destroy the Shamunculous once and for all! Okay?
Uh, I, uh... I stall. Stall!
Golan! You don't have to be ashamed!
Ugh.
Fine. I wet...
wet nothing! A-ha! [Laughing]
I didn't admit a damn thing!
And now I know all your secret shames,
which makes me the coolest! [Laughing]
I learned nothing from this experience! Nothing!
Yay! Golan the Insatiable wins again!
And now, I have a boyfriend!
That's great. I have a boyfriend, too.
Oh, no, you just got smoked! [Laughs]
♪ This is real ♪ [Music]
♪ And I'll get home somehow ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't wanna... ♪
Carole: You're gonna get diarrhea again.
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~