At the risk to sound over dramatic.
You father and I was in a car accident.
And I nearly scape of the bone crunch of the green ripper.
Oh my God. What happen?
- Was not a big deal. - Tell that for the man that you hit.
We was on our way to the drug store!
I tough about get some new shoes.
But then I didn’t.
You'll know when you need.
Arthur!
(screaming)
Oh!
I can still see that carrot smashing into our windshield.
Yeah. Vegetable.
You guys don't see a lot of those.
Dad, I keep telling you.
You gotta get your eyes checked.
You shouldn't be driving.
My eyes are fine, Ronny.
The other day, you nudged a crossing guard.
Great place to set up shop,
right in the middle of an intersection.
Well, this time it was a snowman,
but it could just as easily have been
our charcoal eyes and carrot noses
splattered along that sidewalk
in front of Mrs. Murphy's,
left to be eaten up by stray winter dogs.
“Stray winter dogs”?
Were you and Dad driving to the Rite Aid in Siberia?
Anyway, in that moment,
as I was staring death in the face,
all I could think of was my children.
And how I wish
I'd had one last chance to tell them
what kind of funeral I want.
So they don't ruin it.
Yeah, sorry, Ma.
We're gonna make a mess out of that thing.
Well, Sean, as it turns out, we're still alive,
so we can tell you our funeral wishes.
All right, better write this down.
Arthur, what kind of a funeral do you want?
I want no fuss, no muss.
What about you, Ma?
Well, I want both fuss and muss.
Uh...
and fireworks,
so long as they don't lighten the mood too much.
Slow down, Ma.
I'm still doing Dad's.
“No muss. ”
RONNY: Wait.
Please tell me this is written down somewhere else.
I mean, not that it's not safe on Sean's napkin.
It keeps tearing.
Wait, you guys must have a will, right?
Wills are for quitters.
Life is like basketball.
If you plan to lose, you do.
Smart, Dad.
So, are you planning to beat death
with a zone defense or a man-to-man?
Well, Arthur, I guess we should make an appointment
with the lawyer and make some formal plans.
Yeah, and you better hurry up, especially with his diet.
I've seen him send bacon back
because it was too lean.
I like the white part.
They go great with your scrambled egg yellows.
I don't like the white part.
Leave him alone.
He's doing great for a 72-year-old man.
I'm 62.
Oh, God, you need to write a will.
Sync and corrections by: kDragon www.Addic7ed.com
The McCarthys SO1E15 Original air date 2015/07/11
Oh, what am I gonna do
with these beautiful earrings?
My grandmother gave me these when we got married.
(groans) Have to leave them to Katrina?
You could leave them to Jackie.
Oh, right, Jackie.
Our daughter Jackie.
Why do we even have to go through
- all this stuff, anyway? - Marjorie,
the lawyer told us about that couple that didn't do it,
and when they died, their kids fought forever.
That was me telling you about an episode of The Good Wife.
Look at this. Look.
Remember when I got this from the thrift store
for that Halloween party?
Piece of garbage.
Yeah, I should leave this to Katrina.
(chuckles)
Oh!
I should give this to her now,
so she has to wear it in front of me.
And then long after we're gone,
she'll find out that it's worthless.
And I zing her from the grave.
(laughing)
So, how was the lawyer, Mom?
Interesting. He encouraged us
to go through our valuables, and, Jackie,
I want you to have these earrings.
Grandma Sarah's?
Oh, my God, this means so much...
Great, great, glad it worked out.
Katrina, this priceless necklace
has been in the family for generations.
I would love for you to have it.
And wear it.
In photographs.
Wow, thanks, Ma.
Yeah, Th-thanks, Marj.
Go ahead, put it on now.
Oh, you know,
it kind of clashes with my outfit.
Plus, I-I don't think I have the core strength
to wear it without supports.
Oh, nonsense.
Here you go... oh!
Oh! Welcome to the family.
Wow, really knocks the wind out of you.
A letter from the DMV?
What the hell does this say?
- Better? - Yeah.
Get this, the people down at the DMV
are saying I need to get my vision tested.
Apparently, a concerned citizen
has reported you as a dangerous driver.
Who would do that?
Well, we know it's not the snowman,
'cause you took him out.
Oh, it must have been Mrs. Murphy.
She was so proud of her grandchildren
for building that snowman.
Congratulations, you stacked three snowballs.
Well, it must've been Mrs. Murphy
who reported Dad.
Mystery solved.
Hi, I'd like to report a reckless driver.
My name?
Donny Anonymous.
Oh, I can just say anonymous?
Then, yes, anonymous.
Classic Mrs. Murphy.
No wonder Mr. Murphy left.
Ronny, he died.
Yeah, no, I meant, left this Earth.
Anyway, she's terrible.
She snitched on me like some kind of a stool pigeon?
This is just what
I needed after two hours with that lawyer.
All that guy wanted to talk about was us dying.
Well, it turns out that dying is more trouble than it's worth.
Makes you wonder why everyone does it.
Oh, I know. We have to make all these decisions.
Oh, and he wants us to pick one of you as our executor.
Executor? As in “person or entity
“appointed to oversee the finances and estate
of a deceased party”?
How do you know that?
Ma, it's not enough I know stuff,
now I got to know how I know stuff?
You know, I'd be a great executor.
I'm super responsible.
I'm gonna be a mother in five months.
- Three months. - Really?
I am not ready.
Ooh, pick me. I'm gonna be an uncle in five months.
- Three months. - Really?
I am not ready.
Guys, this is not a prize for us to fight over.
It's a responsibility.
Let's just trust that Mom and Dad
have the best person in mind.
- Ronny's right. - Thanks, Mom.
We're probably gonna go with Gerard.
I'm sorry, Mom, you just called me Gerard.
No, I meant Gerard.
You're not gonna believe it, you did it again.
Seriously, Gerard?
Oh, Ronny, I didn't even want this
until you did that.
Ronny, you and I are very close.
When I die, you're gonna be a mess.
Even still, I might be able to handle some paperwork,
if I somehow manage not to fling myself into the grave with you.
Oh, I'd like that.
As the executor, Ma, I'll make sure he gets in there.
Although it might distract from the fireworks.
You could coordinate it with the fireworks.
Ho-ho! That'd be awesome.
None of this is awesome.
We're gonna be dead.
Well, yeah, that is the least awesome part
of the whole scenario.
Your mother and I are gonna make this decision alone.
I thought you already picked me?
It's not final yet,
but we don't need you kids fighting over it
or sucking up to us.
It's not a competition.
Your father's right.
The only thing I would add is it is a competition.
Hey, psst!
It is a competition.
Why do I have to wear this?
It's like a chandelier crawled onto my neck and died.
It looks very sexy on you.
You look like King Tut.
Really?
That little boy drag queen?
That's who you're going with?
You heard how much it means to my mom.
Besides, how are they gonna make me executor
if I can't even get my fiancée
to wear a necklace they gave her.
I'm sorry, I couldn't catch that over all the jangling.
Katrina, you should be honored.
That thing's been in my family forever.
Has it, Gerard?
Or is it just a piece of junk
and she's trying to mess with me?
You know what, she did seem real happy when she gave it to me.
And she smiled at me.
She's never done that before.
MARJORIE: Hey, Katrina.
Oh, you're wearing the necklace.
Wow, Marj, you eagle eye.
You can see this little thing from over there?
Hey, Marj, I'd love to know more about it.
- You would? - Well, I mean, it's a heirloom,
so I'm sure it has a rich history.
Who did it come from again?
Oh, it belonged to my great-aunt.
Is that right?
- Gretel. - Hm.
Gretel Von Snap.
Von Snap?
Hm, that sounds German.
I- I thought you were 100% Irish, Marj.
We are. It was changed at Ellis Island from O'Snap.
O'Snap?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, actually,
it was originally O'Shea.
Mm!
But, uh, poor Gretel had a speech impediment.
- Aw. - And, uh, she lost a major portion of her tongue.
- Did she? - Yes.
On the voyage over. Pirates.
Uh, anyway, enjoy it.
She is. She's loving it.
Uh-huh.
Are there any pictures
of Great-Aunt Gretel O'Snap-O'Shea-Von Snap
wearing it?
I wish.
Uh, Gretel was never photographed.
She was very unfortunate looking,
and that was even before the tongue incident.
Is that so?
That is so.
Hmm.
Hey, everyone, I just took Dad to the eye doctor,
and he's a little sensitive, so be nice.
Sensitive about what?
You look distinguished.
They frame your face.
Go ahead.
They frame Boston.
When the glass shortage comes,
you're gonna be very powerful.
You look like Elton John's grandpa.
They're just jealous,
little yellow guy from Despicable Me.
Okay, Ronny.
What do you got?
I think they look good.
(laughs) I don't get it.
There's nothing to get, Sean.
Just a sincere compliment to my father.
Ronny's being sincere, that's not fair!
Mine was sincere, too!
Oh, really?
I sincerely look like Elton John's grandpa?
More like that old guy from Up.
(laughing): Why can't I stop?
Hey, Ronny.
What you're doing?
Making a nice lamb and couscous for Mom and Dad.
Just a little send-off to the lawyer's office.
Dad's more likely to think of me
if he's burping my food in there.
They're not gonna eat lamb and couscous.
Well, they will if I tell them it's beef chunks and mini-rice.
Mmm, nicely done.
Chunks are Dad's favorite food.
Ah, Ronny, you got this thing in the bag.
You know Mom and Dad so well.
You're responsible.
You're loyal.
Why are you smiling?
Why did you say “loyal” like that?
I don't know, Ronny.
Why'd you call the DMV and report Dad?
Ex-couscous me?
Ah-ha-ha...
Nervous wordplay.
It's always been your tell.
Lamb it.
So why'd you do it, Ronny?
Why'd you call the DMV on your own father?
I didn't.
It was anonymous coward, Mrs. Murphy.
Remember her grandkids' snowman?
Five-foot-tall white guy?
I thought it was Murphy, too.
And then I stopped for coffee yesterday,
and ended up with a scalding-hot cup of truth.
Medium coffee, please.
Can I get a name for the cup?
GERARD: How about “Rat Fink”?
Excuse me?
(scoffs) Come on, Mrs. Murphy.
We all know you called the DMV on my dad.
I've never called the DMV on anybody in my life.
Is that even a thing?
So you didn't make the call?
Who are you?
MAN: Rat Fink.
I got a medium coffee for Rat Fink.
I'll get that for you.
(chuckles)
Muffin?
So then I thought,
if it wasn't Mrs. Murphy,
what other self-righteous person with an old-lady personality
could it be?
I only did it because Dad needed glasses,
and he wouldn't listen.
Look, sometimes it's better to choose responsibility
over popularity.
“Responsibility over popularity”?
Sew it on a pillow, Ronny.
You know how Dad feels about snitches.
It's over.
You know what, I'm glad you're telling Dad.
Good.
Wait, why are you glad?
You know how he feels about snitches.
But you're the one who snitched, I'd just be telling on you.
Yeah, like a snitch.
Lamb it.
Oh, hey, guys.
I heard Ronny's making Mediterranean food for lunch.
No, beef chunks and mini-rice.
Mmm.
Ronny knows how much Arthur loves chunks.
Oh, no.
Where's the necklace?
Oh, I felt nervous
wearing something so precious,
so I left it at home.
In the special case that I got for it.
Oh, you got a special case for it?
You hear that, Arthur?
She got a special case for it.
Yeah, I also got it insured.
And she got it insured.
Of course, I had to have it appraised.
And, Marjorie, when you said it was valuable, I had no idea.
No idea what?
Well, you know how much it's worth.
Well, we might have different appraisers.
What did yours say?
Oh, doesn't matter.
To me, it's priceless.
Because it's been in your family for so very long.
And it's a symbol of how much you love and accept me.
Yeah, yeah, how much?
$11,000.
$11,000?!
That thing is worth $11,000?!
I just thought I was giving her a worthless piece of crap!
Unless it is a worthless piece of crap.
And she's lying to me.
Of course.
Oh, she's baiting me.
She's baiting me!
She wants me to call her on her lie,
because in doing so,
I would be admitting that I gave her junk.
Unless she's not lying.
In which case, I just gave her the most expensive thing we own.
Oh, Arthur, she is a worthy adversary.
Sorry, I didn't catch all of that.
I think I blacked out after you said you gave away 11 grand.
Let me boil it down for you.
It's check mate.
Don't you see?
If she's lying, she wins.
If she's not lying, she wins.
And after I gave her a necklace.
Oh, Arthur.
No good deed goes unpunished.
This rice is weird,
but I'm loving the chunks.
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Sean, what's all this?
This is a presentation on why I'd be
a worthy executor for your estate.
I'd like to begin by citing the age-old practice of...
primogeniture.
The right of the firstborn male child
to inherit the titles and responsibilities of his parents.
This is more impressive than I expected.
As you can see here...
I am the oldest.
This is about what I expected.
I would also like to point out that none of my other siblings
are the oldest, only me.
In conclusion, I, Sean the elder,
should inherit the kingdom.
Did I make it too complicated?
No, I think the problem was that you made it.
Enough already, we told you...
your mother and I are gonna make this decision
without your input.
That's a good call, Dad.
But if I may just throw in one more relevant tidbit,
I know who called the DMV on Dad.
and it wasn't Mrs. Murphy.
You're really gonna do this?
I am, Ronny.
- It was me. - What?
What?
Dad needed glasses.
He wasn't safe out there.
I mean, sometimes
it's better to choose responsibility over popularity.
Gerard, you did the right thing.
Very responsible.
Thank you for caring, son.
I'm gonna wear these with pride.
What the hell?
Gerard is a liar.
I called the DMV.
Oh, Ronny, this is poor sportsmanship.
Ronny, I'm so surprised.
You used to be the responsible one.
I still am!
This is crazy!
How am I not the executor?!
He just listed us by age,
he lied about making the phone call,
she's... Ronny made lamb!
You said it was beef chunks!
You had two plates of them!
Wow, huh, I'm glad this shrill mad man isn't
in charge of my afterlife.
Oh, come on, this...
(everybody talking over each other)
Everybody, stop!
The whole point in making these decisions now
is so that you wouldn't be fighting about it later.
But that's all you're doing.
This isn't a game.
This is about me and your mother being... gone.
And wanting you guys to be okay.
Come on, we're going to the lawyer.
Well, who are you gonna put as executor?
What? All of a sudden, you don't care?
We're leaving it blank.
Oh, Marj?
Hey, Marj.
Um, can you see if that lawyer does prenups?
I mean, I assume that Gerard and I are gonna be together forever,
but if we do crap out,
I want to make sure he doesn't get his hands on my necklace.
(stammers)
Oh? (imitates stammer)
- Ho... - Uh...
- Ho... - I'll...
Okay. (chuckles)
You know the ones where there's,
like, a small boom, and then a big boom,
followed by kind of a willowy sizzle?
I'll just put, “Fireworks at funeral. ”
Put, “Cool fireworks, set to music,
with possibly somebody jumping in the grave. ”
Sir, I'm gonna need you to put the pen down.
- Carol? - It's fine, these are our kids.
Never mind, Carol, you're doing a great job.
What are you doing here?
We wanted to apologize
for the way we've been acting.
We got a little crazy. Yeah.
I guess we're all just having a really hard time
thinking about you guys being gone.
That's why you turned this thing into a competition?
Well, I may have sent a mixed message.
By telling them that it was a competition.
But, Arthur, remember when they were kids,
and it was all, “I want to sit next to Mom,”
and, “I want Dad to play catch with me”?
And that was nice.
I miss that.
So I guess that's why I pitted you all against each other.
Like stray winter dogs.
You know what, Ma, it doesn't matter
which one of us you put down as executor,
because we're all gonna do it together.
- He's right. - Yeah.
That's very sweet.
And thank you, uh...
Now, get out of here, this guy charges by the hour.
Actually, by the half hour.
Go, go.
Ah, they're good kids.
Yeah.
We did all right.
They do seem great.
Except for the barging in and all.
But you still need to pick one of them.
Oh, right, um, put Gerard down.
Gerard?
Well, he's got Katrina on his side,
and she's smarter than all of them combined.
Yeah, they're dumb.
Wait.
Unless Katrina masterminded this whole thing.
Knowing that I would put Gerard,
so she could be next to the seat of power.
Put Ronny.
Unless she wanted me to put Ronny.
We're gonna be here a while.
Oh, here's somebody she's not expecting... Sean.
Sync and corrections by: kDragon www.Addic7ed.com