Previously on Royal Pains
Oops.
Raj?
We started spending time together,
but we are not ready for anyone to know yet.
For a man who was engaged just a few days ago
you certainly don't waste any time.
Cut yourself some slack.
You deserve to live happily ever after
whether that's with a prince, or a polo player, or a Raj.
__
The patient we were expecting, his health is crucial
to the survival of an entire culture.
Good morning.
Good morning, ma'am. Morning, Nurse Margaret.
When you work 12-hour shifts, morning is a relative term.
Oh, those are fresh bagels.
Yeah, yeah they are.
For the nurses?
Well, you know the budget.
What happened to those bagels you had a couple days ago?
They hardened, like your heart.
Well uh, you know in China, no one ever gets bagels.
This is the Hamptons.
Hey, guys.
Poch!
What's up, my man?
Give me five, Poch.
Yeah.
It's Rinpoche.
It's an honorific given to only
the most esteemed spiritual leaders.
Yeah, Poch makes him sound like he's an egg.
Got it. Doesn't his surgery start soon?
Where are all the doctors?
The military cardiac team is delayed at Walter Reed
due to the weather.
His temperature's a little high.
Should we be concerned?
Well, it could just be a byproduct of all the travel.
Ibuprofen may do the trick,
but I'll run blood and speed him cultures to be safe.
So since he's a Buddhist,
I asked them to make him one with everything.
Really?
- Buddhist humor. - Hmm.
Here you go. So this...
Sorry, he can't eat until after the surgery.
All right. Um, you know what?
I'm going to give him his get well gift now then.
He's the 11th reincarnation of a holy Tibetan lama.
I don't think he wants your...
Rawr!
Seven. He's seven, Hank. Excuse me.
Okay.
So it does say "Sammy the snow leopard" on the tag,
but you can call him whatever you want, okay?
Seems a little long, uh, but it's your call. That's great.
All right, I need you to spit in this. Um...
Nothing?
Could you tell him I need some sputum with phlegm?
That would be testing the boundaries
of my conversational Tibetan, but I'll try.
I'll need his cultures expedited.
Yeah, of course.
I'll need a signature from one of the attending physicians
for that. You want me to pick one or...
Mr. Lawson.
If I'd wanted to involve the doctors at Hamptons Heritage,
I would not have built this entire facility.
Right. The reason I brought it up...
Expedited without a signature, please.
Okay, but that might raise questions for us
which could then lead someone to discover this facility
which I don't think you want.
What I want is someone to provide solutions, not problems.
Surely there is some other way then.
I can think of one.
Make me an attending.
Hey, thanks for the help with Boris.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
So, you feel different now that you're an attending?
Like, tied down, committed, boxed in?
It's a formality, Evan.
Think of attending like you think of Rinpoche.
As an honorific.
Right. But still, it's kind of like I'm your boss.
Interim boss.
Right. Interim.
Yeah.
Thanks.
So when I left last night,
did you get the deal on all this or what?
30 years ago, the Chinese burned down Rinpoche's monastery.
And their old leader barely escaped with his life.
Eight years ago, that Rinpoche died
and is believed to have been reincarnated as this Rinpoche,
a young boy with a heart defect.
In order to protect him, his condition has been kept secret.
Wow.
But I meant, like, what's the deal with Boris?
Like, what's all this to him?
Oh, no idea.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
Take you down into the nation's capital
into DC.
Look at that storm
just whipping through town right now.
40-mile-an-hour, moving off to the east.
Severe thunderstorm warning,
but it's right inside the Beltway here.
But all these commuters on the roadway.
And DC, by the way, DC is one of those voted
the world's worst
and the U.S.'s worst traffic...
Get out of here. Excuse me.
This is...
Sh... shoo.
Get...
Get out of here.
Look, it's prettier over there. Go. Get. Get.
Bluh!
Get... oh, ah!
No, no.
What the hell?
Divya!
Shh.
Shashi's sleeping.
My apologies.
It was not my intention to startle either of you.
And what is your intention?
I thought you would appreciate a break from the drudgery
of your paperwork
which I am pleased to see is actual paperwork
and not fabrication meant to spare my delicate feelings.
Ah-ha! Yes, it's real. All too real.
Then my timing is, as usual, impeccable.
Come. You will have tea.
Well, I can't say no to that
partly because it wasn't a question
and partly because I do enjoy a good cup of British tea.
How do you feel about French?
This is Darjeeling Star
from Mariage Freres on the Rue des Grands-Augustine.
One of my favorites.
Just the scent alone is spectacular.
It is even better in Paris.
Where, as it happens, I have business next weekend.
Join me.
That wasn't a question, either.
Well, I should hope not.
Quami, the tea is very good
but I can't go to Paris with you.
There's work, I mean, there's Sashi, there's...
There's the Seine.
There is the salt air.
The lights.
- The Louvre. - Mm.
Indulge me.
Close your eyes and picture it.
- The cafes. - Mm-hmm.
The cathedrals.
The kiss.
I refer of course to the Rodin sculpture
in the Jardin de Tuileries.
Ah-ha, oui! Of course.
Or did you see something else?
Well, not something else, just...
Someone else.
Hm. I...
This is a strange and unusual feeling.
It is...
rejection?
Quami, you are the most charming prince I have ever met.
But my Prince Charming...
he's someone else.
The other gentleman you once spoke of to me?
Is this who you see yourself with?
Yeah, it is.
And you are quite certain?
I am.
Finally. I am.
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I got you now.
Oh, my God. What happened? Are you okay?
No. Something just attacked me.
Flew right at my head like I was Janet Leigh.
- No, that's Psycho, ma'am. - Excuse me?
No, not you, the movie.
Janet Leigh was in Psycho. Tippi Hedren was in The Birds.
And who are you, the man who knows too much?
No, I'm Evan R. Lawson. I'm the administrator here.
Interim administrator.
Well, what kind of cockamamie place are you running here?
Things in the hallway flapping at people?
It's unsanitary.
We're on it ma'am.
Stan?
Stan here is going to help you back to your room, all right?
- Absolutely. - Mmm.
Great.
Sorry.
Oh, hold on a second. You forgot your...
There you are.
Hey, birdie.
Hi, there.
No one's going to hurt you.
It's time for you to go.
Gotcha.
All right. So...
How?
Yeah, murmur.
Bounding peripheral pulse.
What do you hear?
Patent ductus arteriosus.
It's an opening between two blood vessels
leading from the heart.
It's supposed to close after you're born, but when it doesn't
you get this machine-like sound, and then surgery.
I see.
I appreciate your help, Hank.
Not that you asked for it.
Well, you're not a cardiac surgeon.
No, but you do usually consult me.
I thought maybe you were annoyed
I haven't taken a more active role with the hospital.
Well, more disappointed.
However, given the circumstances, you are forgiven.
And you're welcome.
Excuse me.
Yeah, he's still running a fever.
A summer cold, perhaps?
Or something he brought with him from Tibet.
Either way, even if the cardiac team were here
they wouldn't move forward until after whatever it is clears.
Complications. Always complications.
Bring this child halfway around the world undetected
only to be stalled by a microorganism.
Well, we're not beat yet.
I should draw cultures and put him on IV antibiotics
if he's okay with that.
I will attempt to ask him.
Rinpoche.
He has consented.
That's great, but I only need one arm.
Yeah, however, he needs both arms.
To meditate.
Ah. Right.
Knock, knock.
Hi.
I got your message.
And, uh, corn.
A guy was selling it by the side of the road
and no one was stopping.
I felt bad for him, so I bought a couple of bags.
You want some?
I already ate.
I meant for later.
Sure, sure.
So, what was so urgent?
Well, um, so...
I was thinking that maybe
we should discuss a getaway.
You know, just the two of us.
Maybe somewhere like the Wheatleigh in the Berkshires,
because I called and they have a cancellation for next weekend
so I took it.
And the part we discuss is?
You want to go?
Of course I want to go.
I just thought with us being on the down-low
it wasn't a possibility.
I'm tired of the down-low.
So am I.
And Karen has the kids next weekend anyway, so it's perfect.
Great. I left a message for Nate. So, fingers crossed.
This is so exciting.
Two whole days with just you
and me and no kids.
Of course, that's next weekend.
Right now I've got to get mine
and I can take Sashi with me if you like.
I'm sure they'd love to play with her.
Oh, well, I don't know.
I think she had her heart set on transcribing patient histories
with me.
I'll have her back in time for dinner.
Maybe I'll get some lobster to go with that corn.
Hmm.
Because you know how much kids love lobster.
See you.
Bye, bunny.
Okay. Yep.
Hey!
Hey. Oh, hi.
What are you doing?
Huh? Oh, it's just a safety inspection.
Someone slipped and fell earlier
so I'm just making sure everything's good. Yeah. You?
Oh, dropping off some labs.
- Ah, labs, cool. - Yeah.
Hey, so... ahem... is it okay
if I take next weekend off from HankMed?
Absolutely.
- Oh, great. - All righty then.
What's in your hand?
Nothing.
Your other hand.
Nothing. There's nothing...
What is this?
I accidentally let a bird in this morning
and now I'm trying to catch it, okay?
So now I've prepared my emotions.
Please make fun of me now.
No, I get it given the superstition.
Given what now?
The old saying.
A bird flies in the window, death knocks at the door.
That's... you're making that up.
I'm surprised you've never heard it before.
What? It doesn't even make sense.
I think the idea is that the bird comes
and takes the soul to heaven.
Oh, that does make sense.
Anyway, good luck and thank you for next weekend.
Yes. Thank you, thank you.
Wait, what's next weekend?
Yeah, I can sterilize the OR in 30 minutes.
Okay. Have a safe flight, Doctor.
We're very much looking forward to your arrival.
Okay. Bye.
Good news. The surgical team is on its...
way.
Care to join us?
Oh, uh, no. I don't really meditate much.
We're playing Crossy Road on your iPad.
Oh. Okay.
Oh. You've gotten several of those messages, Hank.
Assuming you are HamptDoc17?
I hope it's not an emergency.
Oh, that.
Uh, yeah, no, it's not.
It's probably just my
Insta Tweet chat feed loop.
It's a dating website.
I, um, I signed up a few weeks back
but I kinda thought the well had gone dry.
Well, perhaps Rinpoche's spirit is re-infusing it.
Uh, that'd be great, but I have a hard time believing
his divine spirit is affecting my online dating.
You believe all this is a coincidence, Hank?
You seeing me in Paige's car?
My bringing you here?
Surgery delayed, all that?
Kinda, yeah.
Don't you?
Who am I to presume such things?
Boris... are you a Buddhist?
Lapsed Buddhist, perhaps.
And you?
I tend to be more a man of science than of faith.
Hm.
What? What'd he say?
He said he has faith.
In you.
Ahh... checkmate.
Just hold still.
All right, just relax.
It's all going to be over soon.
Lawson?
- What the hell are you doing? - Shh.
I know we need the bed but let's wait
for Mr. Edwards to go on his own.
What?
No, I'm... there's a bird.
What? Where?
It was right there.
This is so weird.
Well, you'd better find it.
Birds spread histoplasmosis, candidiasis, cryptococcosis,
- encephalitis... - Okay, okay.
Calm down. It's not like it's a contagion or something.
It's just a tiny little bird
that somebody let in by accident.
Why do I have the feeling that that somebody is you?
I don't know, Margaret. I'm not responsible for your feelings.
Just get the flea-bitten flying rat out of this hospital.
Because you know what I'm responsible for?
- What? - My patients' health.
And I will not have that compromised by the ineptitude
of some fancy, suit-wearing,
bird-chasing administrator.
Nate.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Traffic was horrendous.
Uh-oh. When was the last time you saw Sashi?
Like an hour ago. She...
- What? - She's with Raj.
Oh. Of course.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Guess I'm a little off my game.
I'll say. I wasn't expecting you till Friday.
Did you not get my voice-mail?
No, I got it.
But apparently I misunderstood it.
Is something wrong?
No, I just get this way sometimes.
It comes, then it goes. I'm hot, then I'm cold.
I'm like a walking Katy Perry song.
When you say you get this way sometimes, what do you mean?
Nothing. Probably just tired.
Nate?
Headachy, fevery.
You want to examine me, don't you?
Yeah, I do.
Okay.
You don't have appendicitis,
but it could be a viral infection
or an immune deficiency.
I'd like to get some blood and urine samples.
Is that really necessary?
Well, this is your health we're talking about here.
And your hotel reservation.
And that.
He seems worse, Hank.
He is.
His cough, his shortness of breath, his chest pain.
I'm pretty sure it's endocarditis.
I don't know how to translate that.
Tell him it's an infection of the lining of the heart
and that I'm doing everything I can.
Related to the defect?
That'd be my guess.
The patent ductus elevates his risk for it.
Boris, listen to me.
If the surgical team doesn't make it,
we should have a backup plan.
Now, the hospital has an entire cardiac ward that...
No. For his safety we cannot expose him to anyone else.
Okay, but for his health we need to at least consider
an outside cardiologist.
And what if Evan does some checking?
You know, without giving any specifics.
Just to vet someone who could be discreet?
And we would trust Evan's judgment?
Absolutely.
Excuse me, Dr. John?
Hang on.
Nice work, doctor.
Are you talking to me?
No, to me.
Mr. Lawson, I assume you're here to look into my pants.
I'm...
The pair that were torn on one of your conference room chairs.
I e-mailed you an invoice.
Is none of this ringing the bell?
No, sorry, I get a lot of e-mail.
Who doesn't? Just search for "pants invoice." You'll find it.
Will do. So just setting aside the pants for one second, uh,
I was hoping to talk to you
about a potential high-profile patient.
HPPs are my specialty.
Well, unless you count cardiology
which obviously you do.
I've done Regis, Miley, Babs. I'm the go-to guy.
Terrific.
Aside from the name-dropping, it's terrific.
So this HPP, we're talking athlete? Actor? Politician?
You need to deal with that?
I'm on it.
Dr. John, she's tachycardic.
Yeah, she is. Hit her with 20 mgs of diltiazem.
It's no big deal.
It is a little strange though.
She was doing fine till right after that basket got here.
They always send fruit.
I gotta go.
Let me know when you want me.
We don't want him.
He may be a good cardiologist but he's got all the discretion
of Julian Assange on a bender. You want me to keep looking?
No, the surgical team's only 30 minutes out.
- We should be okay. - All right.
Come.
His heart rate's dropped. He's bradycardic.
I'm going to administer atropine.
It's okay. It's going to be fine.
Hang in there, buddy. Okay, Poch?
Okay.
He's not responding.
He needs a pacemaker, now.
Can you do that?
Yeah, of course he can. He's Hank.
He's done it a million times. Right?
First time for everything, and unfortunately this can't wait.
Will that distract you?
I'll take all the help I can get, natural and supernatural.
- Nate? - Hi.
Sorry to bug you again. I've been feeling a lot worse.
I ache all over and it hurts to breathe.
Okay. Let's see what's going on.
Odd.
Your preliminary cultures all came back negative,
but you're still running a fever.
Why is that odd?
Well, usually a high temperature means
that you have an infection of some sort.
Have you taken antibiotics when this has happened before?
No.
Like I said, it usually just goes away on its own.
My dad, he used to take cold baths for it.
"I will drown it out," he'd say.
In a vampire voice?
No, in a Greek accent. He's Greek.
Greek, of course.
Of course what?
Familial Mediterranean fever.
It's an inherited disorder that presents
with recurring fever and inflammation.
That's what this is?
I don't know, but we'll do a genetic test to find out.
Sit up for me?
Ah.
- Got it? - Yeah.
Deep breath.
It can also cause fluid to build up in your lungs
which is the crackling sound that I am hearing.
I'm taking you to the hospital.
Okay. Here we go.
Next time you build a secret operating room,
I'd like to request fluoroscopy.
Because?
Because I'm flying blind here.
The only way I'll know when the wire's in the right spot
is to watch the EKG.
Hi.
Okay. I need to maintain a sterile field
so you need to be my second set of hands.
Hold up that V2 lead
so I can attach this alligator clip to it.
Okay, good. I'm in the right atrium.
I'm at the apex of the right ventricle.
And...
we have capture.
Now I need you to attach the leads to the pacer box
which is right there.
If you can grab that.
Good.
All right.
Plug the one marked "distal" into the negative lead
and the other into the positive, just like jump-starting a car.
You've never jump-started a car.
Of course I have.
It's just...
been awhile.
Okay.
Good.
Nice work.
The surgeon does not even touch her patient.
Yep.
And the robotic arms are so precise,
Rinpoche will barely have a scar.
Used to be for a procedure like this,
you'd have to crack open the entire ribcage.
Will it work, Hank?
It should. It should.
When I was 18,
with far too much money and not enough sense,
I went off to Tibet in search of a...
searching.
I'd heard of a hidden monastery that had escaped China's purges.
I was possessed with the romantic idea of...
finding it, and...
And then eventually, I did find it.
But my money had attracted attention.
A month after I left,
the monastery was burned to the ground.
My self-centered escapade was the cause
of their near destruction,
and left me with a profound debt
I thought I'd never be able to repay.
Who knew a robot might be able to repair a piece of his heart
and a piece of your karma at the same time?
No. Okay. It's... listen.
It's two dark roast, one flat white, three double caps,
six assorted doughnuts,
and two gluten-free cranberry almond scones. You got it?
- Got it. - Okay.
Small black coffee, two sugars.
And that.
Still got it?
Yes. Maybe.
You can do this, okay?
I believe in you, "Philistia."
It's Felicia.
You really didn't have to get me that.
Well, at this rate I'll be surprised if I get anything.
Oh, so, Margaret, you'll be happy to know
that it is bye bye birdie.
Hamptons Heritage is once again a no-fly zone.
Somewhere out there, the eagle has landed.
- I got it. - Right.
Listen, I really want to apologize
for my outburst yesterday.
My bird-hate is not your problem.
Wow. Thank you.
Yeah, it's fine.
Animals affect everyone differently.
I didn't used to hate birds.
Oh, really? What happened?
You park under a pigeon coop or something?
No.
Well, what?
You can't just dangle "I didn't used to hate birds" out there.
Come on, what happened?
My husband Troy repaired power lines for the town.
And birds are always landing on those.
That is incredibly annoying.
That's not the story.
Troy had a broken ankle, and not for the first time.
It was that kind of job.
He was home recuperating, and I was taking care of him,
and this jay flew into the den.
I chased that damn thing for an hour
until I finally got it out the kitchen door.
When I got back, Troy was gone.
He had an embolism.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
It was six years ago, but still now,
when I see birds flapping, or cheeping,
or sitting on a wire with their beady little eyes, I just...
I know it's stupid but I just can't stand them.
Someone gave me tapioca pudding,
uh, when, uh, when my mom died,
like to make me feel better.
And even still just the sight of that stuff
gives me a knot in my stomach, you know?
Not that I liked it very much to begin with,
but... you know.
I never liked it either.
How is it that you always appear at exactly the right moment?
Hi, thank you for keeping her last night.
Of course.
How's Nate?
Oh, okay. He should be out by tomorrow.
Are you okay?
I didn't get much sleep.
Did she keep you up?
Did you keep Raj up?
It wasn't her.
It was Karen.
Karen.
What do you mean?
When I picked up the twins yesterday, she wanted to talk.
She said she'd been thinking, and that, uh,
she wants to try couples' therapy.
Something I suggested long ago.
So what did she say?
I said I'd think about it,
which is what I was doing all last night.
And I think I have to at least give it a try.
For the kids' sake.
The first session is Saturday.
I feel awful.
Don't.
You said it yourself. It's...
You have to give it a try.
I'm so sorry, Divya, but I...
But nothing.
It's the right thing to do.
I'll keep in touch.
What? What did he say?
He says he'd like me to accompany him
back to the monastery,
and he would like to bless you.
Oh. Okay.
You want my iPad? You want my iPad?
Uh...
He only wants to bless it, Hank.
Oh.
His heart has been repaired.
He says yours should be as well.
You told him about my dating thing?
Don't be so embarrassed. He's seven.
Right.
Um, okay.
Just no crazy ones, please.
What are you doing?
What?
- That's not how you eat corn. - What are you talking about?
You're going round and around
like it's a sideways barber pole.
You're supposed to go back and forth like it's a typewriter,
like normal people do, like this.
Okay, you're insane.
- Oh, I'm insane, really? - Yeah.
What do you think?
Well, I think Hank should have something other than
beer and corn on hand for his guests.
Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to get to the market
but I was stuck in a secret operating room.
As was I.
However, my kitchen lacks for nothing.
I assume.
Well, you're still in attending at the hospital
which means I'm still your boss,
which means that I can tell you to stop eating your corn
like a weirdo.
You're my interim boss, it's a technicality,
and how I eat corn is way above your pay grade.
I'd like to be considered as permanent administrator.
I'm not sure that's the optimal way
to resolve these corn differences.
No, not because of that.
I mean, seriously.
Because I like the job, because I care about it,
and because I think I'm pretty good at it.
Indeed.
Well, I would be foolish not to consider you for the position.
Well done, Lawson brothers.
I thank you.
Your combined efforts were a most welcome asset.
As I trust they will be again.
Um, do you mean that in general,
or because you have something in mind?
All in good time, Hank.
Is that my corn?
What, this was yours?
Sorry, it was just sitting out on the counter.
Fine. Please, sit.
Okay. You want some?
And if you do, how do you eat it?
No thank you, I'm not really hungry.
But I definitely will take a beer.
Yeah, you got it.
You okay?
It's a long story.
Do you want to talk about it?
- No. - Okay.
Like a typewriter, like this.
Ev.
What?
You got something in your hair.
Huh.
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