CHABUDDY: All the great entrepreneurs all started somewhere,
you know, your Donald Trumps, your Duncan Bannatynes,
The Apprentice guy Alan Shearer.
They all started in something like this.
Welcome to the dream factory,
where dreams are made.
Mainly t-shirts though.
What makes a good t-shirt? I think deceptiveness.
You know, so... you look at a t-shirt and you think
"Oh, that's Gucci isn't it?"
And then you look carefully and it's Coochi.
Dolce and Gabbana?
No, mate, Deepak and Gurdeve.
INTERVIEWER: So how many t-shirts have you bought?
This is all the t-shirts here so I've got 6,000 of these.
But I mean so far I've done around two.
Bloody upside down isn't it.
Oh shit.
Oh, fuck.
Bloody hell, it's harder than I thought.
I should have people doing this for me really.
Bastard.
MICHE: Are you excited about your day today?
ANGEL: Yeah.
MICHE: Mummy's going to be working all day.
All right, give Mummy a hug. Yeah, I'll miss you.
All right, well I'll see you after work then.
GRINDAH: All right.
- Still feels a bit weird saying that. - All right, Ange,
gonna have a fun day with your daddy today, yeah?
I want to go to Nanna's.
Well, Nanna's on holiday ain't she, Ange?
Yeah, your precious Nanny is getting her rat out in Zante.
Stop it, like, she's gone to visit her lover.
Lover!
He's like 17 years old and hands out flyers outside a pub.
He's hardly a lover, he can't even speak English.
Well, love is still the same whether it's in English
or in foreign, so...
I'll see you after five.
All right, laters.
(CLICKING)
Fucking light bulbs.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
They put them too high up.
(GROANS)
Oh, fuck's sake! (SIGHS)
Craig, don't use the downstairs toilet, mate.
- The light's not working. - Mum said you have to fix it.
DJ BEATS: She's always trying to get us to fix stuff, innit?
She says she's sick of shitting in the dark.
Makes it way more intense to what it needs to be!
Yeah it is quite intense,
you don't know where you're at with the wipes.
Hello, Lavender, Miche speaking.
Okay, yeah, I'll just put you on hold.
So this is my new work.
This is Lavender Hair & Beauty.
At the moment I'm on a probation period,
so that sort of means that I'm on a...
it's like an audition,
but it's for the role of a hairdresser.
So, yeah.
Would that be the full body or is that the half wax?
Okay, great, I'll just put you on hold.
Hello, Lavender, Miche speaking.
Yeah, what sort of therapy or procedure
would you be interested in today?
Yeah, then I'll just put you on hold.
- You all right, Miche? - Oh, Tanya.
Yeah, I'm just practising my phone technique.
Is there a hold button on there?
- No. - Oh, okay.
- (RATTLING) - (ANGEL MURMURING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
There's the door. Get the door please, Angel.
GRINDAH: I don't need to constantly hang around with a little girl,
that's weird.
People get arrested for things like that.
Why should I be doing that?
And then I'm gonna be... People gonna see me and be like,
"Grindah just hangs around with little chicks."
And no one's gonna respect me anymore.
She's your daughter.
Go give Grindah his jacket as well.
- You lot? - CAMERAMAN: Yeah, we'll follow you.
All right, sweet.
Chabuddy is recruiting. It's official, guys.
Yeah, you know what I mean?
No questions here as well, you don't need any visa.
You know there's a lot of guys out there at the moment
who are looking for work,
and today I am their knight in shiny armour.
I remember how happy I was when I got my first job,
it was in Lahore.
I was 12 years old and I had the opportunity
to work for Nissan.
Blown away.
Unfortunately, when I got there I realized
it was just a prawn peeling factory
and my boss's nickname was Nissan
'cause he drove a Nissan, isn't it?
"Are you struggling to find work?
Do you like clothes and money and women?
Then this might be the opportunity for you."
Come down to my sweatshop... to my warehouse,
come down to my warehouse and get some work in, mate.
GRINDAH: ♪ Hype hype rhythm and sound ♪
♪ The music makes me wanna get down ♪
♪ Hype hype rhythm and sound ♪
♪ Hype for the rhythm it's a boom seleck ♪
♪ MC Grindah with the intellect ♪
♪ I say hype for the rhythm it's a boom seleck ♪
Grindah, Can we get rid of all these ashtrays and that,
'cause of Angel?
Do you need me to blaze this outside as well?
GRINDAH: Yeah, good point actually.
Don't want her to develop a taste for it too early.
MICHE: Angel's been spending a lot more time with Grindah
and Decoy since I've been working so that's nice.
INTERVIEWER: How is Grindah finding it without you around as much?
Oh, well, I think Grindah's coping now I'm working.
There were a few problems at first because he couldn't quite understand
when his meal times were, so I had to leave him sort of
little boxes in the fridge of all his different food
and I'd send him a message or whatever
when he should eat it.
Hold tight, man, like Angel, stepping up, stepping in.
Don't clang in any mixes though, yeah, we're live on air, yeah?
Selecta, selecta.
Kurupt FM.
What does this one do?
GRINDAH: All right, chill out, mate.
Yeah, but... I spent ages setting that up.
I reckon we should just take her out man?
GRINDAH: Yeah.
Angel, where would you like to go?
I want to go to Nanna's.
She's constantly like, "Oh, Nanna does this, Nanna does that."
She's just trying to throw it in my face.
And I know what Angel's doing, she's clever,
she wants me to rise to that so that
I can be the best father that I can be.
For that, mate, I respect her.
Okay, change of plan.
Do your jacket up, pop yourself over there.
You all right to look after it all till Miche gets back, yeah?
Yeah, man, course. Yeah definitely.
Sweet, I can trust you, yeah?
Yeah. When have I ever let you down...
recently?
You can go back in now, Steves, mate.
See you in a bit.
CHABUDDY: Ruddy government, always trying to hold you down isn't it?
I'm offering a job where you can be your own boss.
Just jump in my van and do exactly what I tell you.
Hello, mate, do you want a job?
Jump in the van, mate.
Anyone want a job?
Recruiting is about confidence.
One thing that people love is confidence.
I can sell anything to anyone, anywhere,
anytime, anywho, anywhat, why, where, who, why, when.
Vintage, madam look at that.
Cash money, bro!
Wait till I pull up in the Merc, they're gonna see the tash,
they're gonna see the shoes, they're gonna say,
"Yes, that's my new boss."
I don't get it, in the films they jump straight into your van.
Open the doors, they come in.
Maybe it only works with Mexicans.
Where can I find some Mexicans?
TANYA: If you put something in for about six weeks
once your regrowth has come through, yeah?
Okay, great. And then that's 50 pounds
for today, thank you.
- There you go. - Oh, lovely, thanks.
Um... Great, and so I hope you enjoyed your Lavender experience.
- Thank you very much. - Have a great day.
MICHE: When I first worked here
I didn't actually know what "Lavender" meant,
but obviously I googled it and found out
that it's a tone of purple.
INTERVIEWER: And it smells of lavender in here as well.
Well, it's purple.
INTERVIEWER: The plant, I mean.
MICHE: No, this is just a colour.
INTERVIEWER: What about the picture behind you?
Yeah, it's purple.
INTERVIEWER: No, the plant.
Yeah, no, it's a purple plant. Is that what you mean?
DJ BEATS: Pure kuruption.
♪ (GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
(SIGHS) You seen this?
It's normally Grindah's chair but...
as acting head honcho today, I can use it.
Being second in command involves
actually taking on the more stressful side of the work.
I'd better not overdo it though.
It's pass and parcel of the game really, innit?
I'm like a paramedic, I'm always on call.
Right about now, you are locked into
the sounds of the legendary, the absolute number one,
Kurupt FM 108.9 on your dial.
- Steve? Make me a tea please, bruv. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Cheers, mate.
(MUSIC STOPS)
What?
Bruv, all the lights just went off at the same time,
I think the poltergeist's back.
It's definitely something to do with the electricity.
It is to do with electricity
because poltergeists actually control the electricity.
That's what I've been trying to say.
- What? - Poltergeists control electricity.
Is it?
Yeah, they take out electricity and then they put it on again
but only the TV and then you get sucked into the TV
and you're a little girl or something.
STEVES: Don't even get me started on the poltergeists, mate.
I've heard murmured voices through the walls,
I've heard creaking, late at night...
all... Other things as well.
So what other explanation is there?
Supernatural occurrence.
Steves, stop with this poltergeist shit, mate,
you're throwing me off. I really need to think.
Grindah's gonna go mad if he comes back and sees all this.
I'm gonna go and check the mirrors
because sometimes you can see them in the mirrors.
One, two, three, ah!
Angel, do the jump as well. Do the jump backwards!
- No. - No probably not actually.
Mummy would be furious if you broke something.
Well, the most important thing to me as a parent
is seeing my kid happy.
And more importantly than that is knowing
that she loves me more than anyone else in the world.
I know for a fact that Angel loves me more than her nan.
'Cause when she draws pictures of the family,
Nanna's never in them.
If she was I'd tear it up and Angel knows that.
For example, you've got a beautiful one here that she done.
It's just me, Angel and her mum, d'you know what I mean?
Oh, yeah, and Decoy as well,
just cause he's around quite a lot so she includes him.
So that's off, on, off. No difference.
On. (SIGHS) It's definitely an electrical issue.
Let's call Grindah.
I'm not calling Grindah, bruv, we're gonna sort it.
- Call Chabuds. - Bruv I'm not calling Chabuds,
'cause Grindah will find out, I'm gonna sort it.
Who pays the electricity bills? Does your nan still sort that out?
Yeah she still does all the bills and everything.
Give her a call, I've got credit.
She ain't got a phone though.
She destroyed it because I showed her a documentary
about how the government track you through your phone.
That's a good point.
Right, we're gonna go see her.
Now?
Yeah, now, we need to sort this out, Steves, I told you.
Right let me get a zoot for the road. You lot got a Rizla?
DJ BEATS: We'll get some at the shop.
You lot got any?
Steves, we don't have time, pop yourself off.
You can go up this bit as well. Watch, watch, watch.
(LAUGHS) Get out of the way, it's my turn, it's my turn.
KIDS: It's not, no, it's not!
- GRINDAH: Get out the way! - KIDS: Stop!
GRINDAH: Oh, get out the way, it's my turn.
(LAUGHING)
Wait, wait, get out the way. Get out of the way.
- You go that way! - Look, you can go like this as well.
Your nan couldn't do that, could she?
Whey! Backwards as well.
Mate, what you doing?
WOMAN: She's really cute, how old is she?
Nah, she's not mine. None of them are.
Whatever, mate. Who do you they like more out of you and me?
"Oh, my child can't go on the slide,"
or me, the one who does it backwards, mate?
You see that? I just went on the thing backwards.
They'd never seen anything like it.
- DECOY: You killed it, man. - (PANTS)
Her nan could never do anything like that
in her pathetic little life.
(PANTING)
- There you go, bro. - Nice one.
ANGEL: Sweet!
- DECOY: Hey, there she is! - GRINDAH: Here she is!
You got the phone? Gonna call Beats.
He's not answering.
He's probably mixing, man.
GRINDAH: Yeah, maybe.
DJ BEATS: If she has stopped paying the electricity
that's just proper selfish, Steves.
- Hello, Lorna! - Hello, Steves.
"Big L" we call her.
(DOOR BUZZES)
Don't touch anything.
Hi, Steve. How are you?
Huh? Just normal, innit.
Steves, I'm gonna wait here.
Old people weird me out a bit.
In and out job with your nan.
- In and out. - Yeah.
"Never too old to dream big and set new goals."
Once you go past 40, mate... Do you know what I mean?
Give up. Literally.
- Oi, oi, Nanza! What's going on? - Ah! What a surprise!
- STEVES: Yes. - NAN: I didn't expect you.
How you doing, all right?
What's going on? Good?
- Ah, lovely. - What are you lot saying?
Ooh, I've got something for you actually.
I was going to ask you something as well. What was it?
Keep them hidden.
The nurse sorted them out for me, they're mental.
- STEVES: They good yeah? - NAN: Yeah.
- Has he been on 'em? He looks fucked. - He's always away with the fairies.
"Fire safety for people with sight, hearing and mobility difficulty."
Good luck. Do ya know what I mean?
CHABUDDY: Playing a little bit of footy.
Pretty agile actually you know for their age,
you know they could be good workers, I might have a little butchers,
see if they're up for a bit of work.
The thing is with these kids, yeah,
you've got to relate to them, you got to impress them,
show them you know a bit about footy. They used to call me Bombay Becks.
Hey, wassup, you need another player?
- All right, let me see the ball. - KID: Nah, get off.
Just one second and I'll show you some skills and that.
Leave us alone!
Ah! Anyway, listen, any of you lot for some work,
a bit of cash in hand work?
Nah.
- Hey, are you Mexican? - Nah.
- So, you're not up for any work? - No.
All right, you lot are shit anyway.
I've found it hard, man,
these kids don't want to work anymore, you know?
I was working from the age of eight with a tash, you know,
and it's like these kids just want to lay about
on Chatroulette, dicks everywhere, sending dick pics,
you know, snatch snaps. What they're into these kids?
It's nothing really, you know.
- I might just have one to be fair. - All right, Steves. Hello.
All right. Everyone all right here?
NAN: Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, just having a little plate of biscuits.
Yeah, really enjoying them, actually. Thank you.
NAN: All right, love, definitely.
GRINDAH: When we met Steves he was like...
DJ BEATS: No one.
GRINDAH: The kid used to live with his nan, how sad is that?
And then we come along, we sort of gave him the push
to get her out of the flat and we started pirate radio.
Do you know what I mean? And now look at him now,
he's got the fucking four till five graveyard shift on Kurupt FM.
Now he's DJ Steves, he used to just be Steves.
Yeah.
- (STEVES SNIFFS) - NAN: That's for my back.
Ah, yeah, that's got a nice little burn
at the back of the throat.
Yeah that's good.
Little hint of wild berry. (LAUGHS)
Like she's talking about wine but it's drugs.
Yeah, yeah, that's a good year that.
1995 was a very good year for pills. (LAUGHS)
1995 is a... Oh, I can't really do voices.
NAN: No.
(SNIFFS)
(SIGHS)
(ANGEL YELLS
(WHISTLING)
Angel! (WHISTLES) Come here, boy.
- There you go. - (ANGEL LAUGHS)
See that? Secret of parenting!
They're basically like dogs, just give them sweets
and they'll just run around, it's easy.
- (LAUGHS) - I'm killin' it, aren't I?
Come on, Beats, mate.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
INTERVIEWER: Who's that?
It's Grindah.
Probably wants to know why the radio's not on.
INTERVIEWER: Are you worried?
Yeah a little bit because if he gets back there
and no one's there, he's going to be fuming.
And we're not on air so he's going to be even more fuming.
INTERVIEWER: Is it important for Kurupt to stay on air?
Yeah of course, if you want to be London's leading
you can literally never go down, like.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
And again.
Fuck.
I'll just put it away. Out of sight out of mind.
Where is Steves anyway?
No. Still answer machine.
Nah, we got to get back, I'm getting worried now.
Angel, we're going.
Sweets!
No, no more sweets, we're going, come on.
All right, see you lot in a bit, yeah.
Just catch us up wherever.
- ANGEL: I wanna play more. - GRINDAH: This way. Huh?
I want to play more.
Oh, well life's not all about fun, Angel,
- you've had too much fun. - Yes, it is!
If you have too much fun you can get a headache.
Daddy Grindah gets them all the time and they're not very good.
STEVES: People actually have that voice in real life.
Hello, nice to meet you.
Bruv, we need to do one.
Did you find out about the electricity?
Oh, that's what I was gonna do.
Did you stop paying the electricity?
Yeah, we got cut off.
That's weird, you're on a meter.
- Ah, the meter must have run out. - Meter's run out.
Nah, it couldn't have, I rigged that meter with a magnet.
What's happened?
Basically, all I know is, yeah,
I was plugging in my new kettle and then I think a poltergeist...
A new kettle, yeah?
Well you've blown the fuse haven't you, you daft twat.
That's all it is, we just need to go to the kettle
and get the fuse box out of it.
Is the fuse box at Steves' flat?
Right, we've gotta go, it's the fuse box.
- Come on, Steves. - Sorry, Nan, I've gotta go.
Here! Don't forget these.
Oh, yeah. You definitely don't need these, yeah?
Nah, you'll enjoy them far more than I will.
Probably will, to be fair.
Anyway I can always get some more can't I?
"Oh, I must have lost them, so sorry."
No, I've got them here, Nan, you just gave them to me!
Oh, no, you great idiot. Go on, get out.
- Gotta go. - Bye, Steves' Nan, nice to meet you.
- Bye, Nan. - NAN: Cheers!
She's all right for an oldie, actually.
You wally.
(ANGEL LAUGHING)
- What's going on, why is? - DECOY: What's up?
- (RADIO STATIC) - GRINDAH: It's not picking it up.
DECOY: It probably don't reach this far.
It barely reaches beyond the blocks like...
Don't try and blame Kurupt FM
because your shitty little radio isn't up to par.
More sweets!
Just have loads, all right.
DJ BEATS: If he gets back before us I'm fucked.
STEVES: Yeah, is that our bus?
DJ BEATS: That's our bus.
STEVES: Let me get the whistle, get the whistle.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) Got it from carnival.
- Does that feel okay to you? - Yeah.
Is the temperature all right for you?
- Yeah. - I've put on quite a lot of foam
so it gives you a deeper
- (KNOCKING) - Sort of... clean.
Sorry, just bear with me for one second.
What are you doing here?
I've gotta get back to radio
so I've gotta drop her off here, yeah. Sweet.
Well, no, I don't finish for another hour, so...
Yeah, I'm a little bit early
but that's better than being late, innit? It's a good thing.
Hiya. You okay, Miche?
Oh, Tanya, so... rry about this.
This is my little girl Angel who I told you about.
And this is Grindah who is her dad and my boyfriend.
Oh and that's just his friend though.
We're just dropping off the little 'un.
If she does cause any trouble, little tip for you,
just give her a load of sweets every few minutes
and she'll be happy, yeah?
See you in a bit. Sweet. See you later, girl.
All right, well, Mummy is shampooing. Mummy's shampooing!
(LAUGHS) Angel, Mummy just said "pooing"!
ANGEL: Mummy said "pooing". Poo, poo, poo.
Hi, Angel, would you like to have your nails done?
Mummy said "pooing!" (LAUGHS)
Sorry, Tanya.
Maybe just finish up there and then take a little break or something.
I'm really sorry about this but if you just keep relaxing.
ANGEL: You're a poo!
- Tanya, I'm really sorry, okay. - It's okay, it's fine, it's fine.
I think she's just had too many sweets.
Angel! Angel!
All right, little man-child.
Hey, listen, do you want to make a little bit of extra cash,
for like you know for your Myspace page,
maybe you wanna pimp it out, Facebook and that.
- WOMAN: Excuse me. - Hello.
Come on, Steves, mate, we haven't got time.
Bruv? (SNIFFS) Bruv, do you want any of these?
Steves, we need to find the fucking fuse box, mate.
Where did your Nan say it was?
Do you reckon the government just gives old people drugs
just to try it out on them, sort of thing?
Fucking hell.
Because like if they die then it's not suspicious circumstances.
What's wrong with you?
Grindah could be back any second, you fucking moron.
We need to find it now.
DECOY: Oh, man.
GRINDAH: Quick, don't you even care?
I'm just gonna bosh a load of these
because I'm not really feeling it right now.
DJ BEATS: Such a freak!
What does it even look like?
Is it different colour to a normal box?
It's a box that has electricity inside it.
Have you checked these ones?
I can't even hear the tunes man.
Don't point it upwards, don't film that bit.
I'll look in the kitchen.
DJ BEATS: You getting anything in there, Steves?
No.
Get in, get in.
Don't let me down, Beats, mate.
♪ (GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
Easy, boys, what's going on?
Yeah, man. Nothing. All good.
Everything running smoothly, innit?
Yeah? Nice, nice.
STEVES: We got the power back up and running and that.
- What? - Yeah, what?
What?
Steven, you're getting slightly confused
with your new medication.
Do you wanna carry on doing your record bag? Thank you.
DJ BEATS: It is really tough to run Kurupt.
Well, it's not that tough for me,
because I'm naturally gifted, d'you know what I mean?
It's back-breaking labour for you, d'you know what I mean?
Yeah.
(GROANS)
Oh, who's changed the lumbar support on this?
Who's been on my seat?
I think Steves might have used it earlier to do his records.
Steves, mate, it's my seat, Beats knows that.
He'd never touch it.
I think I've had one of my blackouts again.
I don't even remember doing that.
GRINDAH: Easy. You good, yeah?
Yeah watch out because Angel was sick on the carpet.
Probably all the bloody excitement she had today.
Sorry, she had like loads of sweets.
Yeah, it was sort of just like
a big sort of spray of multi-coloured jelly.
Ah, not that bad then really, as sick goes.
Well, she said she had a nice day anyway.
"Nice day"?
Angel, Angel, did you say you and Daddy had "a nice day"?
No, we had the best day ever, didn't we?
Yeah.
Yeah, better than with your nanna, innit?
High five. High five. Boom. There you have it people!
Keep your voice down.
I am officially better than your mum, tell your mum.
I should, probably get going.
- GRINDAH: Cool mate, Nice one. - MICHE: Bye, Decoy, see you tomorrow.
Oh, man, that's actually put me in a great mood, to be honest.
- ♪ (GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Whey! Chabsy!
CHABUDDY: So, listen, I thought I'd come and chat to Grindah,
see if anyone was up for a bit of work.
Yeah? Nah, they're all gone.
I've just been sort of just here on my own actually,
just finishing up for the night and that.
You know I've just realised that
I've sorted our entire vinyl collection.
It's all in order now, alphabetical.
(SNIFFS)
INTERVIEWER: What do your nan's drugs actually do?
It just livens you up, livens you up,
because old people they slow down at that age.
So if you aren't old and then you do that,
you're moving at double the speed.
Stevie, what time do you finish, mate?
(CLICKING)
Roche! Roche!
You heard of these little things called 40 Watt light bulbs?
INTERVIEWER: Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Replace them up sometimes,
fuse boxes, whatever.
I can do washing machines, whatever you're after really.
Chill.
- Anyone need a shit? - CRAIG: Already had two today.
ROCHE: No, you go for it, love.
Well, actually, I wonder if I left the bathroom light on downstairs.
Oh, you fixed it?
Thanks, love, not just a pretty face are ya?
Exactly.
♪ (GARAGE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
CHABUDDY: It's amazing when he's like this, you know,
he's like a machine.
And everyone says he's some brain-dead weirdo!
- Huh? - Nah, nothing.
I can't wait for the world to see
our replica designer brand, you know.
Look at this!
Limited edition Rolph Lauren. Polo, mate.
Jockey's bigger than the horse on that.
Exactly. This guy is great.
Dream job, innit?
CHABUDDY: Stay focused Stevie, stay focused.
(SNIFFS)
(TOILET FLUSHING)
DJ BEATS: She's finished.
How was it?
Oh, get out my house.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll