1
00:00:08,859 --> 00:00:11,052
(Buddy, voice-over) I couldn't
get over how much had changed.
2
00:00:11,129 --> 00:00:13,708
Last week, I was a
godless lowlife on the run,
3
00:00:13,766 --> 00:00:16,357
and now I was the moral
leader of an entire community.
4
00:00:16,477 --> 00:00:17,973
One thing that hadn't changed...
5
00:00:18,012 --> 00:00:19,434
I still had needs.
6
00:00:19,446 --> 00:00:21,612
Just so you know, this
isn't part of last night.
7
00:00:21,870 --> 00:00:23,339
It's gonna run you another hundred.
8
00:00:24,026 --> 00:00:26,046
Do I get a discount for your snoring?
9
00:00:26,543 --> 00:00:27,920
I have sleep apnea.
10
00:00:28,389 --> 00:00:29,426
So you want it or not?
11
00:00:30,583 --> 00:00:31,392
Yes.
12
00:00:35,140 --> 00:00:36,096
[Buddy moaning] Ohh...
13
00:00:36,821 --> 00:00:39,130
ah... ahh!
14
00:00:39,762 --> 00:00:40,783
Ah... ooh...
15
00:00:40,822 --> 00:00:42,522
Ooh, that sounds bad.
16
00:00:43,567 --> 00:00:44,438
Buddy, are you o...
17
00:00:44,538 --> 00:00:45,521
[Dora whimpers]
18
00:00:45,536 --> 00:00:48,486
Oh! Oh, Lordy Lord. Oh, God!
19
00:00:48,509 --> 00:00:50,123
God damn it!
20
00:00:51,635 --> 00:00:52,730
Was that your wife?
21
00:00:52,850 --> 00:00:55,150
No. I'm gay.
22
00:00:56,984 --> 00:00:59,055
(Buddy, voice-over) This was bad, real bad.
23
00:00:59,107 --> 00:01:01,006
If Dora knew I was lying about being gay...
24
00:01:01,048 --> 00:01:01,576
[whispers] Come on!
25
00:01:01,619 --> 00:01:03,220
It wouldn't be long before she found out
26
00:01:03,246 --> 00:01:04,888
what else I was lying about...
27
00:01:05,513 --> 00:01:06,600
which was everything.
28
00:01:07,981 --> 00:01:08,566
Dora?
29
00:01:08,983 --> 00:01:10,725
Hi! I'm so sorry.
30
00:01:10,768 --> 00:01:11,824
I'm so, so sorry.
31
00:01:11,836 --> 00:01:13,397
It's just when I got here this morning,
32
00:01:13,443 --> 00:01:14,799
I heard this horrible moaning,
33
00:01:14,826 --> 00:01:15,948
and so I-I...
34
00:01:16,711 --> 00:01:17,606
Oh, I'm so sorry.
35
00:01:17,667 --> 00:01:19,182
Listen, about what you saw...
36
00:01:19,186 --> 00:01:19,907
Don't you worry.
37
00:01:19,933 --> 00:01:21,707
Your secret is safe with me.
38
00:01:22,409 --> 00:01:23,538
What... what secret?
39
00:01:23,658 --> 00:01:25,574
Well, that you're having sex.
40
00:01:26,117 --> 00:01:29,016
And I won't even ask
who the mystery man is.
41
00:01:29,818 --> 00:01:30,894
Thank you!
42
00:01:30,918 --> 00:01:33,801
Because he and I wanna keep this private,
43
00:01:33,847 --> 00:01:35,639
- you understand?
- Oh, of course.
44
00:01:35,658 --> 00:01:37,907
Of course. Is it Steve the Mailman?
45
00:01:37,941 --> 00:01:40,096
'Cause I've just always
had my feelings about him.
46
00:01:41,499 --> 00:01:42,963
What can I say?
47
00:01:43,365 --> 00:01:46,228
I never could resist
a man in uniform.
48
00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:50,467
1x03 - Bird of Pray
49
00:01:50,504 --> 00:01:53,614
I couldn't believe that Dora
thought my hooker was a mailman.
50
00:01:53,641 --> 00:01:54,277
Ha.
51
00:01:54,589 --> 00:01:57,272
Ladner was the hottest
craps table I'd ever been at.
52
00:01:57,303 --> 00:01:59,993
- I just kept rolling 7s.
- [knocking]
53
00:02:02,348 --> 00:02:04,351
Hello, uh, uh...
54
00:02:04,770 --> 00:02:05,656
- Oh.
- Yeah, no,
55
00:02:05,686 --> 00:02:08,186
I was just out on my morning power walk.
56
00:02:08,188 --> 00:02:10,991
I thought I'd stop by to wish
you good luck tomorrow, huh?
57
00:02:11,025 --> 00:02:12,963
Uh... tomorrow?
58
00:02:13,193 --> 00:02:15,222
Sunday. Your first service.
59
00:02:15,810 --> 00:02:16,925
Oh!
60
00:02:17,333 --> 00:02:19,099
Right, yeah, of course.
61
00:02:19,199 --> 00:02:20,754
- Hey, Thanks, Alden.
- Yes, I trust
62
00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:22,403
that you will give us a service
63
00:02:22,503 --> 00:02:24,638
that will uphold the dignified standards
64
00:02:24,652 --> 00:02:25,982
of your predecessor.
65
00:02:26,194 --> 00:02:28,876
You don't have any of those
services on video, do you?
66
00:02:28,889 --> 00:02:30,942
'Cause I'd kinda like to see how it's done.
67
00:02:32,313 --> 00:02:34,696
I mean... how it used to be done.
68
00:02:35,737 --> 00:02:37,952
Uh... uh... no, I don't.
69
00:02:38,052 --> 00:02:39,369
Well, then...
70
00:02:39,489 --> 00:02:41,721
off to walk the second 1/2 mile
71
00:02:41,736 --> 00:02:45,375
to the energizing beats
of Mr. Neil Diamond.
72
00:02:45,495 --> 00:02:46,393
[snapping]
73
00:02:47,032 --> 00:02:48,588
It was panic time.
74
00:02:48,632 --> 00:02:51,021
I could BS my way through a lot of things,
75
00:02:51,286 --> 00:02:54,935
but a church service wasn't one of them.
76
00:02:55,329 --> 00:02:56,909
How's everybody doing?
77
00:02:58,226 --> 00:02:59,907
So, Jesus...
78
00:03:00,341 --> 00:03:01,690
am I right?
79
00:03:03,189 --> 00:03:04,408
That's probably not gonna be enough.
80
00:03:04,461 --> 00:03:07,010
Hey! Prepping for your big debut?
81
00:03:07,130 --> 00:03:10,205
Just... checking out the
sight lines and exits.
82
00:03:10,234 --> 00:03:12,286
Um, I wanted to ask you something.
83
00:03:12,291 --> 00:03:13,765
Are you allergic to any foods?
84
00:03:13,790 --> 00:03:15,341
Because your welcome party is a potluck,
85
00:03:15,365 --> 00:03:16,816
and we don't wanna kill you.
86
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,712
Green peppers make me fart,
but other than that, I'm good.
87
00:03:22,598 --> 00:03:26,155
Um, here is the program
for Sunday's services,
88
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,909
if you wanna take a look.
89
00:03:28,198 --> 00:03:29,369
[chuckles]
90
00:03:30,401 --> 00:03:32,964
Looks like it's got the
whole thing laid out for me
91
00:03:33,369 --> 00:03:34,441
word for word.
92
00:03:34,541 --> 00:03:37,750
Yes. Reverend Willis used
to call it "pray by numbers."
93
00:03:37,817 --> 00:03:40,284
When he wasn't criticizing my margins.
94
00:03:40,314 --> 00:03:42,219
- So it's all here.
- All there.
95
00:03:43,267 --> 00:03:45,552
(Buddy) Yeah, baby, another 7!
96
00:03:45,822 --> 00:03:46,824
[giggles]
97
00:03:46,887 --> 00:03:49,379
Uh, pastor... Buddy. Sorry.
98
00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:51,778
I was wondering if you
had given any more thought
99
00:03:51,802 --> 00:03:54,424
to the personal matter
that we emailed about
100
00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:55,313
prior to your arrival?
101
00:03:55,339 --> 00:03:58,057
Uh... right. The email.
102
00:03:58,235 --> 00:04:00,929
You had a very clever
subject line for that email.
103
00:04:00,948 --> 00:04:02,148
What was it again?
104
00:04:02,423 --> 00:04:03,647
"Personal matter"?
105
00:04:04,004 --> 00:04:05,440
That's the one!
106
00:04:05,743 --> 00:04:08,268
Yeah. I-it tells you all you need to know.
107
00:04:08,275 --> 00:04:10,288
So what do you think? Will you do it?
108
00:04:10,297 --> 00:04:12,133
It's just... it would mean so much to me.
109
00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:13,417
Yeah, sure.
110
00:04:13,677 --> 00:04:15,316
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
111
00:04:16,499 --> 00:04:19,130
(Buddy) For whatever the
hell I just agreed to.
112
00:04:23,216 --> 00:04:25,268
Whoa. Is that the Bouquet of Enchantment?
113
00:04:25,316 --> 00:04:27,398
Good eye! They're for Buddy,
114
00:04:27,470 --> 00:04:28,868
to wish him luck on his first service.
115
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:31,268
[laughs] Okay. Let's
get one thing straight.
116
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,098
He is not.
117
00:04:33,118 --> 00:04:34,886
I'm not so sure about that.
118
00:04:35,006 --> 00:04:36,645
I have a pretty strong gaydar.
119
00:04:36,670 --> 00:04:38,260
Then maybe you want to
get your antenna checked.
120
00:04:38,323 --> 00:04:41,069
The other night he called me very sexy.
121
00:04:41,342 --> 00:04:42,754
Buddy called you sexy.
122
00:04:42,797 --> 00:04:44,773
- Very sexy.
- Okay.
123
00:04:44,797 --> 00:04:46,021
In what context?
124
00:04:46,141 --> 00:04:47,905
In the context of me being very sexy.
125
00:04:47,943 --> 00:04:49,635
Oh, yeah? And then what happened?
126
00:04:50,285 --> 00:04:52,608
- I...
- That's what I thought.
127
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,089
You got talk. I prefer action.
128
00:04:58,366 --> 00:05:00,029
Very sexy!
129
00:05:00,076 --> 00:05:01,054
[bell tolling]
130
00:05:01,122 --> 00:05:02,717
(Buddy) Good to see you.
131
00:05:02,934 --> 00:05:04,683
You are rockin' that hat. [chuckles]
132
00:05:05,396 --> 00:05:08,553
Congregation has waited a
long time for this day, Pastor.
133
00:05:08,726 --> 00:05:10,254
All eyes are on you.
134
00:05:10,692 --> 00:05:13,087
And my eyes will be on this program,
135
00:05:13,131 --> 00:05:14,750
which I will be reading from
136
00:05:14,870 --> 00:05:16,350
to all of you.
137
00:05:17,304 --> 00:05:18,889
Inspiring words.
138
00:05:21,616 --> 00:05:23,539
Hi, Pastor, I'm Steve, your mailman.
139
00:05:23,659 --> 00:05:25,013
It's great to meet you.
140
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:26,960
Uh... you too.
141
00:05:27,639 --> 00:05:29,181
"Great to meet you."
142
00:05:29,388 --> 00:05:31,098
Well played, Steve.
143
00:05:32,042 --> 00:05:34,153
'Scuse me, hey, can I steal
you for just two seconds?
144
00:05:34,577 --> 00:05:36,861
Okay, Buddy...
145
00:05:37,541 --> 00:05:38,669
meet...
146
00:05:38,789 --> 00:05:39,758
Scrunchie.
147
00:05:39,921 --> 00:05:42,475
- What the f...
- Oh, you know.
148
00:05:42,504 --> 00:05:44,244
He's sick. I told you.
149
00:05:44,271 --> 00:05:46,191
He can't keep any of his seed down.
150
00:05:46,230 --> 00:05:48,071
He has lost almost 4 ounces.
151
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,425
That's why I'm so grateful to you
152
00:05:49,444 --> 00:05:51,622
for blessing him in your service today.
153
00:05:51,742 --> 00:05:53,725
As per our emails.
154
00:05:53,845 --> 00:05:54,537
Yeah!
155
00:05:54,580 --> 00:05:57,004
[Scrunchie squawks]
156
00:05:57,124 --> 00:05:59,438
Hey, Scrunchie, I'll see you upstairs.
157
00:05:59,558 --> 00:06:01,635
- Ow! God damn it!
- Oh, I'm so sorry!
158
00:06:01,855 --> 00:06:04,858
[organ plays]
159
00:06:04,892 --> 00:06:06,260
♪
160
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:07,895
[organ music stops]
161
00:06:13,167 --> 00:06:14,401
"Prelude.
162
00:06:15,793 --> 00:06:16,897
Let us pray."
163
00:06:17,205 --> 00:06:19,540
(congregation) Blessed be the Holy Trinity.
164
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,675
♪
165
00:06:21,809 --> 00:06:24,217
♪ A mighty fortress ♪
166
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:27,523
♪ Is our God ♪
167
00:06:27,696 --> 00:06:33,720
♪ A bulwark never failing ♪
168
00:06:33,889 --> 00:06:36,187
Make us know the shortness of our life
169
00:06:36,370 --> 00:06:38,654
that we may gain wisdom of heart.
170
00:06:38,727 --> 00:06:39,927
Thank you, Alexa,
171
00:06:40,471 --> 00:06:42,938
for that inspiring reading of psalm
172
00:06:43,242 --> 00:06:46,621
90 colon one dash twelve.
173
00:06:47,247 --> 00:06:48,981
Next up, the homily.
174
00:06:50,147 --> 00:06:51,216
Who's gonna read that?
175
00:06:51,336 --> 00:06:53,874
[laughter]
176
00:06:56,010 --> 00:06:57,138
[chuckling dies down]
177
00:06:57,312 --> 00:07:00,276
Uh, it's time for your sermon, Pastor.
178
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:04,497
(Buddy) It was bound to happen.
Roll the dice enough times,
179
00:07:04,502 --> 00:07:06,934
sooner or later, it comes up snake eyes.
180
00:07:07,054 --> 00:07:09,189
[funky organ music]
181
00:07:11,019 --> 00:07:12,608
(Buddy, voice-over)
It was all going up in smoke.
182
00:07:12,728 --> 00:07:15,430
I had to say something...
anything, and quick.
183
00:07:15,432 --> 00:07:16,806
[Scrunchie squawks]
184
00:07:17,091 --> 00:07:18,483
[whistles]
185
00:07:18,728 --> 00:07:20,250
Oh, right.
186
00:07:21,596 --> 00:07:22,864
We have a...
187
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,715
a sick member of our
congregation here today.
188
00:07:25,835 --> 00:07:26,795
[murmuring voices]
189
00:07:26,915 --> 00:07:28,429
Dora's bird Scrunchie.
190
00:07:28,469 --> 00:07:29,658
[whispers] Thank you!
191
00:07:30,564 --> 00:07:31,754
He needs some healing.
192
00:07:31,961 --> 00:07:33,021
[Scrunchie squawks]
193
00:07:33,141 --> 00:07:35,103
(Buddy, voice-over) And
suddenly, I flash back
194
00:07:35,137 --> 00:07:37,106
to this crazy-ass preacher I used to watch
195
00:07:37,107 --> 00:07:39,049
on late night TV when I was stoned:
196
00:07:39,111 --> 00:07:41,521
Reverend Keeler, Nashville's Healer.
197
00:07:41,569 --> 00:07:43,025
But first...
198
00:07:43,729 --> 00:07:45,520
we must understand
199
00:07:46,148 --> 00:07:48,690
why Scrunchie is sick.
200
00:07:48,790 --> 00:07:51,726
Because he believes he's sick.
201
00:07:52,099 --> 00:07:55,086
Oh, yes, brothers and sisters, it is true.
202
00:07:55,882 --> 00:07:57,799
And a lot of you are sick too.
203
00:07:57,899 --> 00:07:59,501
- But the sickness...
- [congregation murmurs]
204
00:07:59,601 --> 00:08:01,828
The sickness is not of the body.
205
00:08:02,303 --> 00:08:04,105
It is of the mind!
206
00:08:05,477 --> 00:08:07,351
[feedback whine]
207
00:08:07,575 --> 00:08:09,744
Let me ask you... who here
208
00:08:09,844 --> 00:08:11,939
has ever said the words, "Lord,
209
00:08:12,854 --> 00:08:14,748
I am not worthy"?
210
00:08:16,353 --> 00:08:17,393
You, sir?
211
00:08:17,513 --> 00:08:18,880
You said that?
212
00:08:18,882 --> 00:08:20,088
Well, you're wrong!
213
00:08:20,188 --> 00:08:21,975
You are worthy,
214
00:08:22,154 --> 00:08:25,046
and you can have everything you want.
215
00:08:25,166 --> 00:08:27,200
Now, I can see from your faces
216
00:08:27,228 --> 00:08:28,684
you're askin'...
217
00:08:29,264 --> 00:08:30,881
"How, Pastor Buddy?
218
00:08:31,266 --> 00:08:34,602
How can we possibly
have everything we want?"
219
00:08:34,811 --> 00:08:36,538
Well, listen closely.
220
00:08:37,893 --> 00:08:40,017
Because this is the most important thing
221
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,675
you're ever gonna hear.
222
00:08:43,459 --> 00:08:46,331
[softly] All you have to do...
223
00:08:52,194 --> 00:08:53,655
Is believe.
224
00:08:53,885 --> 00:08:55,623
- Oh...
- Ah...
225
00:08:55,624 --> 00:08:57,268
You wanna be thin?
226
00:08:57,533 --> 00:09:00,790
Say... "I am thin!"
227
00:09:00,819 --> 00:09:02,944
You wanna be happy?
228
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:05,874
Say, "I am happy!"
229
00:09:05,922 --> 00:09:09,333
You want money? Then say it with me.
230
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,240
I... am... money!
231
00:09:12,373 --> 00:09:13,993
(all) I am money.
232
00:09:14,036 --> 00:09:16,055
Louder! Believe it!
233
00:09:16,108 --> 00:09:18,252
(all, louder) I am money!
234
00:09:18,372 --> 00:09:19,614
Yes!
235
00:09:23,039 --> 00:09:24,185
Whoo!
236
00:09:24,285 --> 00:09:25,386
Oh!
237
00:09:25,767 --> 00:09:28,769
Say you are what you want,
238
00:09:28,831 --> 00:09:30,851
and it will be yours.
239
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,795
I am Buddy. I am Buddy.
240
00:09:33,895 --> 00:09:35,606
(Buddy) Now, why would God
241
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:39,226
bestow these blessings upon you?
242
00:09:39,269 --> 00:09:41,559
Because you are worthy.
243
00:09:41,737 --> 00:09:43,337
Just like Scrunchie.
244
00:09:43,404 --> 00:09:44,072
Whoo!
245
00:09:44,172 --> 00:09:45,944
So dear Lord...
246
00:09:46,913 --> 00:09:48,793
bless this animal
247
00:09:48,913 --> 00:09:50,523
and make him better.
248
00:09:50,556 --> 00:09:53,057
Amen! Hallelujah.
249
00:09:53,076 --> 00:09:54,512
Pastor Buddy out!
250
00:09:54,517 --> 00:09:58,261
- [feedback whine]
- [cheers and applause]
251
00:10:01,235 --> 00:10:03,061
(Steve) Pastor Buddy, because of you,
252
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,584
I'm gonna buy a jet ski.
253
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:06,029
You can't afford that.
254
00:10:06,149 --> 00:10:07,648
I am the jet ski!
255
00:10:07,682 --> 00:10:10,297
- Right on, brother.
- Pastor Buddy.
256
00:10:10,928 --> 00:10:12,027
Yes?
257
00:10:12,591 --> 00:10:13,888
Are you homeless?
258
00:10:14,509 --> 00:10:15,839
No, little dude.
259
00:10:16,177 --> 00:10:17,458
Why would you ask that?
260
00:10:17,505 --> 00:10:18,740
'Cause my daddy says
261
00:10:18,807 --> 00:10:20,812
you're the poorest preacher he's ever seen.
262
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:22,913
Oh, look.
263
00:10:23,660 --> 00:10:25,213
You dropped your doughnut.
264
00:10:25,380 --> 00:10:26,565
Dick!
265
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:28,396
Pastor Barlow.
266
00:10:28,750 --> 00:10:30,685
A word, please.
267
00:10:30,785 --> 00:10:32,738
As president of this congregation,
268
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:36,131
I must say what you did
in my church today was...
269
00:10:36,179 --> 00:10:37,601
an abomination.
270
00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:40,410
So it's an abomination
to bring people together
271
00:10:40,461 --> 00:10:41,320
to heal one of their own?
272
00:10:41,364 --> 00:10:44,795
No. What was all that
"I am money" poppycock?
273
00:10:44,867 --> 00:10:47,614
You sounded like some sort
of cheap carnival preacher.
274
00:10:47,669 --> 00:10:49,050
(Buddy) Yes! Nailed it!
275
00:10:49,103 --> 00:10:51,806
Oh, Alden, wasn't it nice
to see some joy in there
276
00:10:51,820 --> 00:10:53,208
- for once?
- We're Lutheran.
277
00:10:53,308 --> 00:10:54,380
We don't do joy.
278
00:10:54,409 --> 00:10:56,105
We top out at quiet contentment.
279
00:10:56,399 --> 00:10:58,587
Well, maybe it's time that changed.
280
00:10:58,980 --> 00:11:01,238
Or not. Just spit-balling.
281
00:11:01,282 --> 00:11:04,115
I think what we're all
saying is it was a good start.
282
00:11:04,419 --> 00:11:05,320
No, sir.
283
00:11:05,420 --> 00:11:08,303
What you did in there was tomfoolery
284
00:11:08,323 --> 00:11:09,753
of the highest order.
285
00:11:09,757 --> 00:11:11,898
I demand a vote of the congregation
286
00:11:11,941 --> 00:11:13,641
to remove Pastor Barlow.
287
00:11:13,671 --> 00:11:14,780
You know very well
288
00:11:14,837 --> 00:11:16,644
you need the approval
of the church council.
289
00:11:16,679 --> 00:11:18,166
And since it's us,
290
00:11:18,266 --> 00:11:20,794
clearly, you're not getting the votes.
291
00:11:20,992 --> 00:11:23,010
I may not have the votes,
292
00:11:23,037 --> 00:11:24,853
but what I do have is the home number
293
00:11:24,876 --> 00:11:26,641
of my friend, the regional Bishop.
294
00:11:26,664 --> 00:11:28,495
- Alden.
- Gonna tell on me?
295
00:11:28,668 --> 00:11:30,562
I'm gonna invite him to your welcome party.
296
00:11:30,779 --> 00:11:32,905
Five minutes alone with Bishop Perkins,
297
00:11:32,947 --> 00:11:34,837
and you'll dig your own grave.
298
00:11:34,886 --> 00:11:37,584
[scoffs] Oh, please!
299
00:11:37,772 --> 00:11:39,477
(Buddy, voice-over)
More like two minutes.
300
00:11:41,119 --> 00:11:42,639
(Buddy, voice-over)
It was crunch time.
301
00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:43,876
If I was gonna fool the Bishop,
302
00:11:43,881 --> 00:11:45,910
I had to learn the Bible
from cover to cover.
303
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:48,280
Turns out the covers weren't the problem.
304
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:49,995
It was everything in between.
305
00:11:51,740 --> 00:11:53,523
[knocking on door]
306
00:11:53,623 --> 00:11:54,791
Come in.
307
00:11:54,891 --> 00:11:56,215
I am so sorry,
308
00:11:56,244 --> 00:11:59,034
but that Alden Schmidt does not
know what he's talking about. Now,
309
00:11:59,083 --> 00:12:01,396
Bishop Perkins may be kind of old-school,
310
00:12:01,434 --> 00:12:03,092
but I have faith that he's gonna see you
311
00:12:03,106 --> 00:12:04,467
for who you are.
312
00:12:04,808 --> 00:12:05,969
Which would be...
313
00:12:05,994 --> 00:12:07,936
A caring and progressive leader.
314
00:12:07,999 --> 00:12:09,748
And religious scholar to boot,
315
00:12:09,791 --> 00:12:13,593
Mr. two-time Central Florida
Bible Trivia Champion.
316
00:12:14,046 --> 00:12:15,029
Okay, let's...
317
00:12:15,149 --> 00:12:17,265
let's not bring that up at the party.
318
00:12:17,853 --> 00:12:18,855
I don't like to brag.
319
00:12:18,865 --> 00:12:21,009
Oh, you. You know, I'm
kind of a buff myself.
320
00:12:21,010 --> 00:12:22,450
Maybe I could take you on some time.
321
00:12:22,452 --> 00:12:24,758
We have a ton of Bible trivia games here.
322
00:12:25,982 --> 00:12:28,199
"Brother Bob's Bible Bash."
323
00:12:28,233 --> 00:12:29,635
Oh, no, but that one's just for kids
324
00:12:29,659 --> 00:12:31,260
who don't know anything about the Bible.
325
00:12:31,302 --> 00:12:33,090
(Buddy, voice-over)
Thank you, Brother Bob.
326
00:12:38,698 --> 00:12:39,502
Buddy.
327
00:12:39,710 --> 00:12:40,346
Buddy.
328
00:12:40,370 --> 00:12:42,813
FYI, Alden and the Bishop just arrived.
329
00:12:42,866 --> 00:12:45,088
FYI part two... homemade cupcakes.
330
00:12:45,108 --> 00:12:46,919
- Thank you!
- They're delish... oh.
331
00:12:47,445 --> 00:12:49,488
I'd crammed my head
with all the Bible trivia
332
00:12:49,512 --> 00:12:51,114
a third-grader could possibly hold.
333
00:12:51,425 --> 00:12:53,416
I was ready to box with the Bishop.
334
00:12:54,870 --> 00:12:57,110
Ooh. He looks mean.
335
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,572
Hey, Russell. What you got there?
336
00:13:01,616 --> 00:13:03,826
My world-famous oversized
Swedish meatballs.
337
00:13:03,927 --> 00:13:06,588
And I brought Dijon chicken
breast from Celestino's.
338
00:13:07,330 --> 00:13:09,145
I think I'll start with those.
339
00:13:09,167 --> 00:13:10,940
Ah. I had a feeling you were a breast man.
340
00:13:11,012 --> 00:13:11,935
There you are.
341
00:13:12,540 --> 00:13:14,149
Uh, Bishop Perkins,
342
00:13:14,178 --> 00:13:15,572
I'd like you to meet
343
00:13:15,672 --> 00:13:17,271
Pastor Barlow.
344
00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:18,577
How do you do?
345
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:21,295
I do pretty great, thanks. I mean,
346
00:13:21,415 --> 00:13:24,514
I haven't healed the number of
lepers that Jesus did in the Bible...
347
00:13:24,789 --> 00:13:27,050
that answer is 11... but things are good.
348
00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:29,644
You all right? You seem a little nervous.
349
00:13:29,853 --> 00:13:31,169
Yeah. You're not all...
350
00:13:31,289 --> 00:13:34,224
hopped up on those poppers, are you?
351
00:13:34,324 --> 00:13:36,326
What? No!
352
00:13:36,459 --> 00:13:38,692
Where would I even find amyl nitrate?
353
00:13:38,995 --> 00:13:40,894
I mean, if that's what
poppers are... are they?
354
00:13:40,942 --> 00:13:42,180
I don't know.
355
00:13:42,832 --> 00:13:44,213
Gentlemen, care for a martini?
356
00:13:44,252 --> 00:13:45,071
Yes!
357
00:13:45,707 --> 00:13:47,770
- I don't drink.
- Neither do I.
358
00:13:47,871 --> 00:13:49,437
- Oh.
- Me neither.
359
00:13:49,772 --> 00:13:51,573
I assumed this was a water martini.
360
00:13:51,607 --> 00:13:52,556
Alexa!
361
00:13:52,729 --> 00:13:53,605
[scoffs]
362
00:13:53,606 --> 00:13:55,731
You know better than to offer us alcohol!
363
00:13:57,909 --> 00:13:59,234
She means well.
364
00:13:59,354 --> 00:14:01,932
Oh... I'll take two. Thanks!
365
00:14:04,420 --> 00:14:06,027
Alexa, do me a favor.
366
00:14:06,032 --> 00:14:07,273
Keep an eye on Steve the Mailman.
367
00:14:07,327 --> 00:14:08,549
Don't let him drink too much.
368
00:14:08,576 --> 00:14:10,788
- Could be bad for Buddy.
- For Buddy? Why?
369
00:14:10,860 --> 00:14:12,554
Well, you didn't hear it from me,
370
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:15,309
but the other day, I
walked in on him and Steve
371
00:14:15,310 --> 00:14:17,214
having relations.
372
00:14:17,867 --> 00:14:19,943
Of a sexual nature.
373
00:14:21,505 --> 00:14:22,757
With their mouths.
374
00:14:22,939 --> 00:14:24,442
- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.
375
00:14:24,562 --> 00:14:26,527
Yeah! So if he gets soused, I mean,
376
00:14:26,544 --> 00:14:27,924
who knows what kind of holy heck
377
00:14:28,044 --> 00:14:29,179
could break loose? And we do not
378
00:14:29,207 --> 00:14:31,077
need a scene in front of the Bishop.
379
00:14:31,243 --> 00:14:33,136
Not my cat, not my problem.
380
00:14:33,155 --> 00:14:34,794
You know what I mean? It's like...
381
00:14:34,817 --> 00:14:35,752
Excuse me.
382
00:14:35,852 --> 00:14:37,157
You are not going to believe this.
383
00:14:37,187 --> 00:14:39,478
Buddy had oral sex with Steve the Mailman.
384
00:14:39,598 --> 00:14:40,480
What?
385
00:14:40,757 --> 00:14:42,538
I always had my feelings about them.
386
00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:44,074
- I told you this.
- I know,
387
00:14:44,091 --> 00:14:45,749
but I didn't believe you.
388
00:14:45,869 --> 00:14:47,811
It's a good thing Jesus
isn't with us right now,
389
00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:50,626
or he might change these waters into wine.
390
00:14:51,177 --> 00:14:52,727
- He did that, you know.
- Yes.
391
00:14:52,769 --> 00:14:53,812
We're aware.
392
00:14:54,103 --> 00:14:55,170
Pastor Barlow,
393
00:14:55,171 --> 00:14:56,356
Alden has concerns.
394
00:14:56,380 --> 00:14:57,537
Grave concerns.
395
00:14:57,556 --> 00:14:59,683
About whether your liturgical methods
396
00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:01,048
will mesh with the...
397
00:15:01,565 --> 00:15:03,359
wholesome traditions of this community.
398
00:15:03,376 --> 00:15:05,261
Of this community.
399
00:15:05,623 --> 00:15:07,520
Well, just because I do
things a little differently
400
00:15:07,550 --> 00:15:09,319
doesn't make this town any less wholesome.
401
00:15:09,787 --> 00:15:12,015
[slap] No wonder you
can't get it up for me.
402
00:15:12,038 --> 00:15:13,904
You're blowing the Pastor!
403
00:15:14,571 --> 00:15:15,604
(Steve) Honey...
404
00:15:15,724 --> 00:15:17,581
Stop, honey, come on, stop.
405
00:15:17,594 --> 00:15:18,528
[door slams]
406
00:15:19,143 --> 00:15:20,102
Pastor,
407
00:15:20,577 --> 00:15:21,991
your study, now.
408
00:15:24,728 --> 00:15:25,908
You've gotta believe me.
409
00:15:25,931 --> 00:15:27,792
What that woman said is totally untrue.
410
00:15:27,804 --> 00:15:29,488
- I have never blown...
- Sit.
411
00:15:34,118 --> 00:15:35,512
You know, I have a joke.
412
00:15:35,907 --> 00:15:37,857
Who's the funniest man
in the Old Testament?
413
00:15:38,533 --> 00:15:39,413
Samson.
414
00:15:39,834 --> 00:15:41,403
Because he brought the house down.
415
00:15:41,603 --> 00:15:43,222
[laughs]
416
00:15:43,264 --> 00:15:45,168
[both laughing]
417
00:15:45,423 --> 00:15:48,604
Thou shalt not kill, but
you killed on that one.
418
00:15:48,758 --> 00:15:50,682
That's the Fifth Commandment, by the way.
419
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:52,695
I told that joke because
420
00:15:52,795 --> 00:15:54,186
it's from the Bible.
421
00:15:55,123 --> 00:15:57,721
Do you know what else
needs to be from the Bible?
422
00:15:58,307 --> 00:15:59,089
[clears throat]
423
00:15:59,137 --> 00:16:00,629
Your sermons.
424
00:16:00,749 --> 00:16:02,937
- Also known as homilies.
- Hmm.
425
00:16:04,159 --> 00:16:05,884
Reverend Willis liked to keep a
426
00:16:06,209 --> 00:16:08,354
private stash so that
427
00:16:08,897 --> 00:16:10,941
we could drink without the judging eyes
428
00:16:10,980 --> 00:16:12,591
of the parishioners.
429
00:16:13,149 --> 00:16:14,353
Now, I am not going to tell you
430
00:16:14,388 --> 00:16:16,882
how to run your congregation and, uh,
431
00:16:17,553 --> 00:16:19,774
I'm willing to take your word that you
432
00:16:19,816 --> 00:16:23,317
didn't receive fellatio
from one of its members.
433
00:16:23,437 --> 00:16:25,130
Uh, just to be clear,
434
00:16:25,639 --> 00:16:27,026
nor did I give.
435
00:16:27,297 --> 00:16:27,921
Ha.
436
00:16:29,209 --> 00:16:31,287
But you will not survive as pastor here
437
00:16:31,301 --> 00:16:33,778
if you make an enemy of Alden Schmidt.
438
00:16:34,003 --> 00:16:35,309
[sighs] I have to admit,
439
00:16:35,347 --> 00:16:38,025
we, uh... we may have
gotten off on the wrong foot.
440
00:16:38,145 --> 00:16:39,665
Well, you better get on the right one,
441
00:16:39,696 --> 00:16:40,851
because if you don't,
442
00:16:41,140 --> 00:16:42,713
next time I come back here,
443
00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:45,628
it'll be to have a drink
with your replacement.
444
00:16:48,155 --> 00:16:48,676
Mm!
445
00:16:49,354 --> 00:16:50,696
Oh, and by the way,
446
00:16:50,753 --> 00:16:54,424
those little Christian tidbits
you keep throwing around...
447
00:16:54,913 --> 00:16:55,657
Yeah?
448
00:16:55,873 --> 00:16:57,914
That shit's gotta stop.
449
00:16:58,895 --> 00:17:01,502
We get it. You've read the Bible.
450
00:17:02,127 --> 00:17:04,232
No one likes a know-it-all.
451
00:17:12,186 --> 00:17:15,349
[somber organ chords]
452
00:17:16,057 --> 00:17:18,926
♪
453
00:17:20,692 --> 00:17:22,029
Beautiful home, Alden.
454
00:17:22,565 --> 00:17:24,081
My grandfather built it.
455
00:17:24,398 --> 00:17:28,129
Using nothing but hand tools
and a tribe of Chinook Indians.
456
00:17:31,739 --> 00:17:33,834
I understand the Bishop has decided
457
00:17:33,884 --> 00:17:36,756
not to issue any formal
sanctions against you.
458
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,044
Did you come here to rub it in my face?
459
00:17:39,046 --> 00:17:41,450
No, no, I actually came here to...
460
00:17:41,782 --> 00:17:43,201
to make things better between us.
461
00:17:43,247 --> 00:17:44,045
Well...
462
00:17:44,126 --> 00:17:45,483
- May I...
- No, you may not.
463
00:17:45,603 --> 00:17:46,788
Let's get something straight.
464
00:17:46,888 --> 00:17:50,105
My family has been here
for a hundred years.
465
00:17:50,158 --> 00:17:51,709
You have been here one week.
466
00:17:51,739 --> 00:17:54,142
This is my church, not yours.
467
00:17:54,262 --> 00:17:55,196
Fair enough.
468
00:17:55,590 --> 00:17:56,612
And for you to
469
00:17:56,631 --> 00:18:00,197
come into the Lord's house
with your jive talking
470
00:18:00,593 --> 00:18:03,104
and your blessing of birds is disgraceful.
471
00:18:03,204 --> 00:18:04,866
Scrunchie was sick.
472
00:18:05,045 --> 00:18:07,094
Church is for people, not pets.
473
00:18:07,297 --> 00:18:08,143
All right,
474
00:18:08,624 --> 00:18:10,144
all right, I-I'm sorry.
475
00:18:10,244 --> 00:18:11,269
For everything.
476
00:18:11,809 --> 00:18:12,591
Well...
477
00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:16,417
You know, for a guy who hates pets,
478
00:18:16,443 --> 00:18:18,152
you sure seem to care about your dog.
479
00:18:18,879 --> 00:18:20,059
Where is he?
480
00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:21,489
[kissing sound]
481
00:18:21,522 --> 00:18:23,616
- [clicking tongue]
- He's no longer with us.
482
00:18:24,398 --> 00:18:26,500
God called Schnitzel home.
483
00:18:26,682 --> 00:18:27,576
I'm sorry.
484
00:18:27,657 --> 00:18:29,097
I'm sorry. What ha... what happened?
485
00:18:29,363 --> 00:18:30,637
Well, about a year ago,
486
00:18:31,032 --> 00:18:32,580
he got very ill,
487
00:18:32,934 --> 00:18:35,090
and, uh, in a moment of weakness,
488
00:18:35,102 --> 00:18:36,990
I asked Reverend Willis
489
00:18:37,206 --> 00:18:39,106
to say a prayer for him in church,
490
00:18:39,207 --> 00:18:40,882
and he... correctly...
491
00:18:41,487 --> 00:18:42,906
refused my request.
492
00:18:43,118 --> 00:18:44,721
(Buddy) And then I realized Schmidt
493
00:18:44,771 --> 00:18:46,676
wasn't just an unreasonable dick.
494
00:18:46,914 --> 00:18:49,116
He was an unreasonable
dick who was hurting.
495
00:18:49,705 --> 00:18:50,750
You know...
496
00:18:51,370 --> 00:18:53,340
with all due respect to Reverend Willis,
497
00:18:54,072 --> 00:18:54,797
he was wrong.
498
00:18:54,820 --> 00:18:56,260
He should have honored your request.
499
00:18:56,262 --> 00:18:57,422
Well, it doesn't matter. Yep.
500
00:18:57,426 --> 00:18:58,726
Nothing to be done about it now.
501
00:18:58,759 --> 00:18:59,852
Maybe not. Maybe we, uh,
502
00:18:59,860 --> 00:19:01,629
we could do a blessing right here.
503
00:19:01,637 --> 00:19:02,720
Is that possible?
504
00:19:02,782 --> 00:19:05,319
Well, do you have anything
of Schnitzel's I could bless?
505
00:19:05,439 --> 00:19:07,290
Maybe a hair from his bed?
506
00:19:07,297 --> 00:19:09,067
Oh, gee, I... I don't know.
507
00:19:09,103 --> 00:19:11,572
I haven't had the heart to get near it
508
00:19:12,066 --> 00:19:12,995
since he...
509
00:19:13,855 --> 00:19:14,738
he was...
510
00:19:15,266 --> 00:19:16,411
taken from me.
511
00:19:16,744 --> 00:19:18,713
Any luck? I think this...
512
00:19:19,336 --> 00:19:21,061
might finally give me some...
513
00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:22,310
some closure.
514
00:19:25,213 --> 00:19:26,238
[grunts]
515
00:19:27,815 --> 00:19:28,566
Found one!
516
00:19:28,593 --> 00:19:32,293
[Whiter Shade of Pale plays]
517
00:19:32,393 --> 00:19:33,181
May I hold it?
518
00:19:33,768 --> 00:19:34,882
Of course.
519
00:19:35,596 --> 00:19:38,466
♪
520
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:41,003
Oh, Schnitzy.
521
00:19:42,522 --> 00:19:45,139
Oh, my baby.
522
00:19:45,187 --> 00:19:46,808
Oh... [sobs]
523
00:19:46,908 --> 00:19:47,803
[kiss]
524
00:19:47,830 --> 00:19:51,727
Oh, Daddy's missed you so much.
525
00:19:51,847 --> 00:19:55,050
♪
526
00:19:55,292 --> 00:19:57,440
It smells just like him.
527
00:19:57,518 --> 00:19:59,777
♪ We skipped the light fandango ♪
528
00:19:59,897 --> 00:20:02,003
Let us... let us pray.
529
00:20:02,947 --> 00:20:04,789
Yep, ever since I got here,
530
00:20:04,824 --> 00:20:06,848
everything's worked out for Buddy Dobbs.
531
00:20:06,879 --> 00:20:08,313
Well, "Pastor Barlow."
532
00:20:08,433 --> 00:20:10,036
As far as the world's concerned,
533
00:20:10,295 --> 00:20:12,266
Buddy Dobbs is at the bottom of a bay,
534
00:20:12,269 --> 00:20:13,788
never to be heard from again.
535
00:20:13,954 --> 00:20:16,137
[suspenseful music]
536
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:17,939
Coroner report came back.
537
00:20:18,862 --> 00:20:21,418
The body that washed
up... isn't Buddy Dobbs.
538
00:20:21,996 --> 00:20:23,010
Then who is it?
539
00:20:26,533 --> 00:20:31,533
Original sync by explosiveskull
WEB-DL resync by kinglouisxx
540
00:20:31,558 --> 00:20:36,558
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