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00:00:01,419 --> 00:00:03,887
Tonight,
the Invitationals continue.

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00:00:03,888 --> 00:00:05,356
Yeah!

3
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The comics will
try to stand up and deliver.

4
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Andi, what's your birth plan?

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I don't know... out?

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For some,
it's about redemption.

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Sheng was here last year,

8
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and you didn't bring your A-game.

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For others,
it's about impressing Norm.

10
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I don't know what you're talking about

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most of the time.

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Nice little hug from Norm Macdonald.

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And ultimately,
it's about moving

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one step closer to the $250,000,

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an NBC development deal for their own show,

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and the title of Last Comic Standing.

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You could win.

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Please welcome your
host of Last Comic Standing,

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Anthony Jeselnik!

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- Whoo!
- Thank you.

21
00:00:54,843 --> 00:00:57,345
And welcome to Last Comic Standing.

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00:00:59,548 --> 00:01:01,582
Tonight, it's our third Invitational show,

23
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and another group of talented
comics will fight it out

24
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for a spot in the semifinals.

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Not literally fight it out, of course.

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Except for having the
guts to perform onstage,

27
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comedians are total cowards.

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Now, please say hello

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to our three legendary comedy judges,

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Keenen Ivory Wayans...

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Roseanne Barr...

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Thank you, thank you.

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The wonderful Norm Macdonald.

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We have an amazing lineup
of comics tonight,

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and I use that word a lot.

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So let's get this amazing show rolling.

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From Jamaica,

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coming to us now from Las Vegas,

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which raises all kinds of red flags,

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it's Drew Thomas.

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Being from Jamaica,
there's a lot of pressure

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from your parents to get
married, but nowadays,

43
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where can you go to find a good wife?

44
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You can go to clubs or bars.
I don't like going to bars.

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Women walk up to you at a
bar, look you up and down,

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size you up, see how much money you make.

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I don't know if you make enough
money for me, Mr. Comedian.

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Then when I walk her to her
car at the end of the night,

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she got a green '94 Cavalier
with a white driver's door.

50
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And a red side mirror

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and the front bumper being
held up with duct tape,

52
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and I'm like, I'm not good enough for you?

53
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You only came to this bar
'cause it's on a hill,

54
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so you could roll-start your
car at the end of the night.

55
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You could go to nightclubs and meet women,

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but I don't like going to nightclubs.

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Everybody in the nightclub is a liar.

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The men are lying. The women are lying.

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You got older women in the
club trying to look young,

60
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but you know they older,

61
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'cause they got that
vaccine mark on their arm.

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The part that scares me
the most about marriage

63
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is the fact that men and women

64
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don't even look at marriage the same way.

65
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When women talk about marriage,
it's a happy occasion.

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I'm getting married. I got my ring.

67
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I got my colors picked out.

68
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I got four of my fat friends
to stand next to me.

69
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But it's not the same for the men.

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When men talk about
marriage with our friends,

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it sounds like something
you get diagnosed with.

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"Did you hear what happened to Charles?"

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"No, what?" "He's getting married."

74
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"No!"

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"When did he find out?"

76
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"She told him yesterday at dinner."

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Thank you guys so much.

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Drew Thomas, everybody!

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Keenen, what did you
think about Drew Thomas?

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Is everyting irie?

81
00:03:59,861 --> 00:04:02,196
Had to practice that for a month.

82
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Yeah, everyting irie, mon.

83
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Um... I wrote some notes down,

84
00:04:06,401 --> 00:04:08,636
but then as you continued on,

85
00:04:08,637 --> 00:04:10,304
I was like, okay, well, this is his style.

86
00:04:10,305 --> 00:04:13,340
My note was going to be
to do the character,

87
00:04:13,341 --> 00:04:14,475
but that's not you.

88
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You do the joke, and you do it very well.

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The vaccine is brilliant.

90
00:04:19,147 --> 00:04:20,614
- Thank you.
- 'Cause you know

91
00:04:20,615 --> 00:04:22,650
anybody with a vaccine mark on their arm...

92
00:04:22,651 --> 00:04:25,820
That's pre-1960 right there!

93
00:04:27,789 --> 00:04:30,157
- That's what I was gonna say.
- Well...

94
00:04:30,158 --> 00:04:31,792
Now, um, I don't know,

95
00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:33,427
you know, why you'd wear a hat out there

96
00:04:33,428 --> 00:04:36,497
and then hang it up and...
Why'd you do that?

97
00:04:36,498 --> 00:04:38,265
That was distracting.

98
00:04:38,266 --> 00:04:40,334
But that was like

99
00:04:40,335 --> 00:04:41,735
the worst thing you did.

100
00:04:41,736 --> 00:04:43,470
The rest of it was gold,

101
00:04:43,471 --> 00:04:47,775
especially the vaccine mark.

102
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'Cause I have one!

103
00:04:49,844 --> 00:04:53,614
- It was fantastic.
- Norm, how about you?

104
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There's a comedian that you remind me of.

105
00:04:55,684 --> 00:04:57,718
Do you know who I'm speaking of?

106
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No.

107
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He was my favorite comedian.

108
00:05:02,357 --> 00:05:04,024
He passed away a couple years ago.

109
00:05:04,025 --> 00:05:06,026
- Patrice O'Neal?
- Patrice O'Neal.

110
00:05:06,027 --> 00:05:08,429
The reason I loved Patrice was

111
00:05:08,430 --> 00:05:11,532
he had his own truth, and
he was going to tell ya,

112
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and he wasn't gonna take any prisoners,

113
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and that's a giant void
to fill, Patrice O'Neal,

114
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because I felt he was the
funniest guy in the world

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when he passed away.

116
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But I see that in you.

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I thought you were awesome.

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Huge, huge compliment for Drew Thomas.

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- Drew Thomas, everybody.
- Thank you.

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Congrats, Drew.

121
00:05:33,555 --> 00:05:36,023
Moving along to our next comic.

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He's from Chicago, Illinois,

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so please make some "noi" for Mike Siegel!

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All right.

125
00:05:49,237 --> 00:05:50,838
I got friends that are broke snobs.

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You know these people?

127
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They don't have any money,

128
00:05:54,242 --> 00:05:57,277
but they turn their nose up
at free stuff all the time.

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You know? I got a buddy like that.

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I'll be, hey, man,

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I got us free tickets for that
concert you wanted to see.

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Free tickets!

133
00:06:03,284 --> 00:06:07,855
He's like, yeah? Where are the seats?

134
00:06:07,856 --> 00:06:09,823
Where are the seats?

135
00:06:09,824 --> 00:06:12,894
Apparently, they're in the
ungrateful bastard section.

136
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I moved to this town. I
got into this business.

137
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Someone told me I should
incorporate myself.

138
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So I did that.

139
00:06:24,038 --> 00:06:25,372
Then I was between gigs,

140
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and I tried to get unemployment.

141
00:06:27,142 --> 00:06:28,675
They told me to get unemployment,

142
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I was gonna have to fire myself.

143
00:06:32,247 --> 00:06:35,315
I didn't want to do it.

144
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But then I took another look

145
00:06:36,518 --> 00:06:40,487
at my performance from
last year, and...

146
00:06:40,488 --> 00:06:44,057
I think I had it coming.

147
00:06:44,058 --> 00:06:46,827
Yeah.

148
00:06:46,828 --> 00:06:50,828
So I called myself into the
home office in the kitchen.

149
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Apparently, there'd been
rumors going around

150
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that this was gonna happen.

151
00:06:57,939 --> 00:07:00,707
And, I let myself go.

152
00:07:00,708 --> 00:07:03,310
I'm not proud of this, but on the way out,

153
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I stole some stuff.

154
00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:13,420
We all go through tough times, and,

155
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this one woman I went out
with, she had a divorce,

156
00:07:16,324 --> 00:07:18,458
had to move back in with her parents.

157
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And I went to go pick her up,
and she was running late,

158
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so I had to sit in the living room

159
00:07:22,363 --> 00:07:26,363
watching TV with her parents
like prom night, you know?

160
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And they were fine, but
they were, older,

161
00:07:30,338 --> 00:07:31,572
and then we were watching
something on cable,

162
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and all of a sudden out of nowhere,

163
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these two guys on the screen
just started making out,

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you know, out of nowhere.

165
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And it didn't really shock me,

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but you could feel that old
person tension in the room,

167
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like...

168
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And I thought, you know,

169
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what better time, you know, for a joke?

170
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And,

171
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they didn't see it that way.

172
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It's, like, very tense in the room,

173
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these two guys are going at it,

174
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and I was just like, "Wow, that...

175
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that takes me back."

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Thank you. Good night!

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00:08:00,969 --> 00:08:03,370
Mike Siegel, everybody!

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00:08:03,371 --> 00:08:05,806
Roseanne, if you could
say anything to Mike,

179
00:08:05,807 --> 00:08:07,941
anything at all, what would it be?

180
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I love your point of view.
I love your attitude.

181
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And what clever material,

182
00:08:12,547 --> 00:08:15,048
and I love the way you
weave things through it.

183
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I thought it was wonderful.

184
00:08:16,451 --> 00:08:17,951
Awesome! Thanks, Roseanne.

185
00:08:17,952 --> 00:08:19,086
Norm, what'd you think about Mike?

186
00:08:19,087 --> 00:08:21,622
Well, Mike is my favorite type of comic,

187
00:08:21,623 --> 00:08:24,157
you know, meat and potatoes, strong jokes.

188
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I like that.

189
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And a lot of comics don't like

190
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if another comic pitches them a joke

191
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that would go in with their material.

192
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And I don't know how you feel about that.

193
00:08:34,569 --> 00:08:36,103
I'll take tags from Norm Macdonald, sure.

194
00:08:36,104 --> 00:08:37,537
Okay, well, I would say, you know,

195
00:08:37,538 --> 00:08:40,407
"And then I had to let myself go,

196
00:08:40,408 --> 00:08:44,111
which led to the whole
sexual harassment suit..."

197
00:08:44,112 --> 00:08:46,380
I had that in there, and I cut it out.

198
00:08:46,381 --> 00:08:47,581
- Did ya?
- I cut it out.

199
00:08:47,582 --> 00:08:48,916
Well, I loved you. I
thought you were great.

200
00:08:48,917 --> 00:08:50,717
Thanks.

201
00:08:50,718 --> 00:08:52,319
It was obvious to me

202
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,088
that you are a seasoned comic.

203
00:08:55,089 --> 00:08:57,291
And you have very smart material

204
00:08:57,292 --> 00:08:58,926
and very clever material.

205
00:08:58,927 --> 00:09:00,894
- Great job.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.

206
00:09:00,895 --> 00:09:02,229
Wonderful. Mike Siegel, everybody.

207
00:09:02,230 --> 00:09:04,399
- Thank you.
- Good job.

208
00:09:05,700 --> 00:09:06,967
He had good premises.

209
00:09:06,968 --> 00:09:08,402
Yeah, that was it.

210
00:09:08,403 --> 00:09:11,838
Coming up, is
this the Last Comic Standing?

211
00:09:11,839 --> 00:09:13,273
I think you're great.

212
00:09:13,274 --> 00:09:15,709
You could win.

213
00:09:15,710 --> 00:09:18,946
And then the
competition gets nasty.

214
00:09:18,947 --> 00:09:22,316
♪ Baby, I wanna put a baby inside of you ♪

215
00:09:22,317 --> 00:09:24,284
♪ Baby ♪

216
00:09:24,285 --> 00:09:27,321
And later, this
comic comes out swinging.

217
00:09:27,322 --> 00:09:28,889
A lot of comedians just told you

218
00:09:28,890 --> 00:09:30,791
a bunch of soft-ass jokes.

219
00:09:30,792 --> 00:09:33,094
Not this guy.

220
00:09:37,829 --> 00:09:39,964
Welcome back Last Comic Standing.

221
00:09:39,965 --> 00:09:42,967
Now we've got another comic on deck,

222
00:09:42,968 --> 00:09:44,345
but before she takes a swing,

223
00:09:44,346 --> 00:09:46,347
let's judge her by her backstory.

224
00:09:46,348 --> 00:09:47,516
Check it out.

225
00:09:51,253 --> 00:09:53,754
I'm Andi Smith. I'm from
Janesville, Wisconsin.

226
00:09:53,755 --> 00:09:57,755
And I've been doing
comedy now for 15 years.

227
00:09:58,327 --> 00:10:01,896
About four years ago, I
had my daughter Goldie.

228
00:10:01,897 --> 00:10:03,998
She's changed me into a
completely different person.

229
00:10:03,999 --> 00:10:05,499
I used to be really cool.

230
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:08,102
Now I get really tired at, like, 8:30.

231
00:10:08,103 --> 00:10:09,136
I said I would never cut my hair

232
00:10:09,137 --> 00:10:11,005
and get a mommy haircut.

233
00:10:11,006 --> 00:10:12,807
♪
♪- Look where we are.

234
00:10:12,808 --> 00:10:15,009
Look where we are.

235
00:10:15,010 --> 00:10:18,045
The struggle to be a
working mom by yourself

236
00:10:18,046 --> 00:10:20,081
is daunting,

237
00:10:20,082 --> 00:10:23,484
so Goldie and I moved
back in with my parents.

238
00:10:24,886 --> 00:10:26,520
Mom, where's the coffee?

239
00:10:26,521 --> 00:10:29,223
Should be in the lower cupboard.

240
00:10:29,224 --> 00:10:32,059
Right where it usually is.

241
00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:34,295
I love my mom and dad, but...

242
00:10:34,296 --> 00:10:36,764
moving back to your parents' house

243
00:10:36,765 --> 00:10:39,033
when you're quickly approaching 40

244
00:10:39,034 --> 00:10:40,668
is a bit of a challenge.

245
00:10:40,669 --> 00:10:41,836
So on slide three,

246
00:10:41,837 --> 00:10:43,537
- we're just gonna talk about...
- Andi?

247
00:10:43,538 --> 00:10:45,373
Do you want a liverwurst sandwich?

248
00:10:45,374 --> 00:10:47,174
No. I've never wanted a
liverwurst sandwich.

249
00:10:47,175 --> 00:10:50,478
My mother doesn't really
understand jokes in general.

250
00:10:50,479 --> 00:10:52,046
I don't see her humor.

251
00:10:52,047 --> 00:10:54,248
She says, "You know who I think is funny?

252
00:10:54,249 --> 00:10:57,585
"That guy that does the...
Where he stands on his knees

253
00:10:57,586 --> 00:10:59,487
and does the golfing jokes."

254
00:10:59,488 --> 00:11:02,423
Mom, are you referring to Dorf?

255
00:11:02,424 --> 00:11:03,824
Okay.

256
00:11:03,825 --> 00:11:06,026
Can I ask you a question?

257
00:11:07,162 --> 00:11:09,163
Living with my parents is not all bad.

258
00:11:09,164 --> 00:11:10,865
My mom's a great cook.

259
00:11:10,866 --> 00:11:13,434
I don't have to do a lot of my own laundry.

260
00:11:13,435 --> 00:11:15,136
But at the same time,

261
00:11:15,137 --> 00:11:17,605
It'd be nice not to have to live

262
00:11:17,606 --> 00:11:18,973
in my childhood bedroom.

263
00:11:18,974 --> 00:11:21,342
So winning Last Comic
Standing would be great.

264
00:11:21,343 --> 00:11:22,510
It'd be wonderful.

265
00:11:22,511 --> 00:11:24,645
Would you like to stay here forever?

266
00:11:24,646 --> 00:11:26,180
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

267
00:11:26,181 --> 00:11:27,782
No.

268
00:11:27,783 --> 00:11:29,818
Andi Smith, everybody.

269
00:11:33,355 --> 00:11:34,889
I saw a story the other day

270
00:11:34,890 --> 00:11:38,159
about a lady who was keeping kids in cages.

271
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,627
And before I had a child,

272
00:11:39,628 --> 00:11:41,629
I would have reacted completely differently

273
00:11:41,630 --> 00:11:43,532
to that story.

274
00:11:45,967 --> 00:11:48,035
That's really just a Pack
'n Play with a lid on it

275
00:11:48,036 --> 00:11:49,069
if you think about it, right?

276
00:11:49,070 --> 00:11:50,671
That's genius!

277
00:11:50,672 --> 00:11:54,275
She should put that on
Pinterest or something.

278
00:11:54,276 --> 00:11:56,043
Having a child scares you no matter what.

279
00:11:56,044 --> 00:11:57,411
I have a friend in San Francisco.

280
00:11:57,412 --> 00:11:59,046
She's one of these hippie ladies.

281
00:11:59,047 --> 00:12:01,148
She eats, like, tree bark and tennis shoes.

282
00:12:01,149 --> 00:12:03,350
I don't know what she does,
but she's really annoying.

283
00:12:03,351 --> 00:12:05,586
And she would call me up... we
were pregnant at the same time,

284
00:12:05,587 --> 00:12:08,889
and she'd go, "Andi,
what's your birth plan?"

285
00:12:08,890 --> 00:12:10,825
"I don't know... out?"

286
00:12:10,826 --> 00:12:13,294
"What...

287
00:12:13,295 --> 00:12:15,663
What are you gonna do with yours?"

288
00:12:15,664 --> 00:12:18,132
You know?

289
00:12:18,133 --> 00:12:22,133
And she's like, "I've decided to
have an at-home water birth."

290
00:12:22,504 --> 00:12:25,940
First of all... gross!

291
00:12:25,941 --> 00:12:29,577
Are you gonna move after that?

292
00:12:29,578 --> 00:12:30,744
Yuck. Right?

293
00:12:30,745 --> 00:12:33,914
Second, this is a medical procedure, right?

294
00:12:33,915 --> 00:12:36,484
You don't just put an inflatable pool

295
00:12:36,485 --> 00:12:38,285
in the living room

296
00:12:38,286 --> 00:12:42,523
and have at it.

297
00:12:42,524 --> 00:12:44,391
And she's like, "Andi,

298
00:12:44,392 --> 00:12:47,228
"don't you want the first
time your child meets you

299
00:12:47,229 --> 00:12:51,966
to be free of drugs and chemicals?"

300
00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:55,103
No. No.

301
00:12:59,841 --> 00:13:02,109
The first time you meet your mother,

302
00:13:02,110 --> 00:13:03,644
would you rather she be, like,

303
00:13:03,645 --> 00:13:07,645
sweaty and crying and in
an inflatable pool...

304
00:13:09,384 --> 00:13:13,889
or heavily medicated and
in kind of a good mood?

305
00:13:15,056 --> 00:13:16,658
Yeah.

306
00:13:20,595 --> 00:13:22,162
And I have no interest in sex anymore.

307
00:13:22,163 --> 00:13:23,230
I don't want to do it ever.

308
00:13:23,231 --> 00:13:25,132
I just... I don't care anymore at all.

309
00:13:25,133 --> 00:13:26,734
I'm not on board, you know?

310
00:13:26,735 --> 00:13:28,269
I tried to explain it to people too.

311
00:13:28,270 --> 00:13:30,137
I'm like, once you have a child,

312
00:13:30,138 --> 00:13:33,240
the thrill of the gamble is gone, right?

313
00:13:33,241 --> 00:13:34,975
The jig is up!

314
00:13:34,976 --> 00:13:36,410
The way that I see it,

315
00:13:36,411 --> 00:13:38,445
I've been playing Russian roulette

316
00:13:38,446 --> 00:13:40,548
for, like, 20 some-odd years,

317
00:13:40,549 --> 00:13:44,963
and on April 30, 2012, I got shot!

318
00:13:46,588 --> 00:13:48,323
Thank you very much.

319
00:13:49,958 --> 00:13:52,526
Andi Smith, everybody!

320
00:13:52,527 --> 00:13:54,662
Great, Andi. Way to go.

321
00:13:54,663 --> 00:13:56,697
Norm, talk to Andi about whatever you want.

322
00:13:56,698 --> 00:13:58,198
I'll wait.

323
00:13:58,199 --> 00:14:00,167
You have a lot of strengths,

324
00:14:00,168 --> 00:14:02,036
but the strength that will endure

325
00:14:02,037 --> 00:14:03,637
is your delivery.

326
00:14:03,638 --> 00:14:08,008
When you did the joke about
the caged, um, child

327
00:14:08,009 --> 00:14:10,878
and, then you said,

328
00:14:10,879 --> 00:14:13,380
"I would have reacted differently,"

329
00:14:13,381 --> 00:14:16,016
and then it got a huge laugh,

330
00:14:16,017 --> 00:14:18,552
and that's the greatest.

331
00:14:18,553 --> 00:14:20,254
And don't finish the sentence.

332
00:14:20,255 --> 00:14:23,090
Because by not finishing the sentence,

333
00:14:23,091 --> 00:14:25,859
you make yourself the punch line,

334
00:14:25,860 --> 00:14:27,094
and that was amazing.

335
00:14:27,095 --> 00:14:28,095
I loved it.

336
00:14:28,096 --> 00:14:30,065
Thanks.

337
00:14:31,833 --> 00:14:33,200
Keenen, what'd you think about Andi?

338
00:14:33,201 --> 00:14:34,568
I loved Andi.

339
00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:36,003
I thought you did everything right.

340
00:14:36,004 --> 00:14:38,839
I loved your... your whole style

341
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:41,141
is different and your point of view,

342
00:14:41,142 --> 00:14:44,178
being a mom and having
kids and your take on it.

343
00:14:44,179 --> 00:14:46,280
The anti-mom was just very funny.

344
00:14:46,281 --> 00:14:48,817
- I thought you had a great set.
- Thank you.

345
00:14:51,886 --> 00:14:54,188
Roseanne, finish her off.

346
00:14:54,189 --> 00:14:56,523
I like that you're so audacious

347
00:14:56,524 --> 00:14:58,292
and you command your space,

348
00:14:58,293 --> 00:15:00,828
and your writing is just fantastic.

349
00:15:00,829 --> 00:15:03,897
Um, you know, you could win.

350
00:15:05,233 --> 00:15:06,233
Ladies and gentlemen, Andi Smith.

351
00:15:06,234 --> 00:15:07,302
Way to go, Andi.

352
00:15:08,503 --> 00:15:09,536
It felt good.

353
00:15:09,537 --> 00:15:11,805
They seemed to like me, I guess, right?

354
00:15:11,806 --> 00:15:12,906
I don't know.

355
00:15:12,907 --> 00:15:14,975
Roseanne said, she was like,

356
00:15:14,976 --> 00:15:16,043
you could win it!

357
00:15:16,044 --> 00:15:17,444
I'm like, there's more.

358
00:15:17,445 --> 00:15:20,848
Like, you probably shouldn't
say that so early on.

359
00:15:20,849 --> 00:15:21,982
All right.

360
00:15:21,983 --> 00:15:23,751
What's the point of stopping now?

361
00:15:23,752 --> 00:15:25,085
Am I right, ladies?

362
00:15:25,086 --> 00:15:27,722
Please welcome Joe List!

363
00:15:31,559 --> 00:15:32,926
Thanks, everybody.

364
00:15:32,927 --> 00:15:34,461
I was talking to my buddy the other day.

365
00:15:34,462 --> 00:15:35,729
I was confiding in him, I was like,

366
00:15:35,730 --> 00:15:37,531
"Man, I'm really self-conscious
about my teeth."

367
00:15:37,532 --> 00:15:38,832
And he looked at them, and he was like,

368
00:15:38,833 --> 00:15:42,469
"Dude, all you need is
Crest Whitening Strips."

369
00:15:42,470 --> 00:15:44,038
I was like, "Thanks, man.

370
00:15:44,039 --> 00:15:47,108
I'm actually self-conscious
that they're crooked, but"...

371
00:15:51,780 --> 00:15:54,582
What the hell, let's throw yellow in there.

372
00:15:58,186 --> 00:15:59,520
I had to go to a therapist

373
00:15:59,521 --> 00:16:01,088
'cause I kept having panic attacks.

374
00:16:01,089 --> 00:16:02,389
The therapist told me a panic attack

375
00:16:02,390 --> 00:16:03,724
is fight-or-flight phenomenon.

376
00:16:03,725 --> 00:16:04,958
I don't know if you know that term.

377
00:16:04,959 --> 00:16:06,794
That's when your brain prepares your body

378
00:16:06,795 --> 00:16:10,130
to fight or flee from
whatever it's afraid of.

379
00:16:10,131 --> 00:16:11,498
She said it happens in nature.

380
00:16:11,499 --> 00:16:12,933
I was like, that's cool.

381
00:16:12,934 --> 00:16:14,301
The only weird thing is,
I get panic attacks

382
00:16:14,302 --> 00:16:15,602
when I'm talking to girls,

383
00:16:15,603 --> 00:16:18,539
so that's sort of a weird
situation, you know.

384
00:16:18,540 --> 00:16:19,840
I'll be in a bar after the show.

385
00:16:19,841 --> 00:16:21,442
Some girl's like, "You were
really funny tonight,"

386
00:16:21,443 --> 00:16:25,213
and I'm like... ... "I'm
gonna have to fight this chick."

387
00:16:31,252 --> 00:16:33,721
I started doing yoga to help my anxiety,

388
00:16:33,722 --> 00:16:36,623
and yoga helps my anxiety
after I'm done with it.

389
00:16:36,624 --> 00:16:38,258
After yoga, I feel good.

390
00:16:38,259 --> 00:16:40,494
During yoga, that's the most anxiety

391
00:16:40,495 --> 00:16:43,197
that I've ever had in my entire life.

392
00:16:43,198 --> 00:16:45,499
If you're not familiar with
yoga, it's usually me,

393
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,868
2 gay guys, and 25 of the hottest women

394
00:16:47,869 --> 00:16:50,571
that I've ever seen in my entire life.

395
00:16:50,572 --> 00:16:53,373
I can't be publicly horny,
homophobic, and relaxed

396
00:16:53,374 --> 00:16:56,044
all at the same time.

397
00:16:58,446 --> 00:17:01,215
It's a lot of work, you know?

398
00:17:01,216 --> 00:17:03,117
Instructor's like, everyone,
put your legs over your heads.

399
00:17:03,118 --> 00:17:04,885
I'm like, my God, I
was just gonna say that.

400
00:17:04,886 --> 00:17:07,421
That was a great idea.

401
00:17:07,422 --> 00:17:09,123
She's like, all right, everyone
lay down on your tummies.

402
00:17:09,124 --> 00:17:10,390
I'm like, I can't.

403
00:17:10,391 --> 00:17:12,894
I have the largest erection
of my entire life.

404
00:17:14,329 --> 00:17:17,164
I am going to teeter-totter
from shoulder to shoulder

405
00:17:17,165 --> 00:17:19,534
if I'm laying on my tummy.

406
00:17:22,403 --> 00:17:24,138
Yoga's confusing. I was there one time.

407
00:17:24,139 --> 00:17:25,806
The instructor was like, "Joe,
you have a lot of tension

408
00:17:25,807 --> 00:17:26,840
"in your back.

409
00:17:26,841 --> 00:17:28,041
"You should be breathing into your back

410
00:17:28,042 --> 00:17:30,210
and then breathing out of your back."

411
00:17:30,211 --> 00:17:34,211
I was like, I have no idea what that means.

412
00:17:34,212 --> 00:17:38,816
I am exclusively a face breather, so...

413
00:17:40,155 --> 00:17:41,755
That's probably why I'm so tense.

414
00:17:41,756 --> 00:17:44,458
I've been breathing out of my face

415
00:17:44,459 --> 00:17:46,960
for the last 30 years

416
00:17:46,961 --> 00:17:49,363
like a damn idiot

417
00:17:49,364 --> 00:17:51,865
not realizing I was supposed
to be doing this whale style

418
00:17:51,866 --> 00:17:54,635
the entire time.

419
00:17:54,636 --> 00:17:56,069
That's it for me. Thank you very much.

420
00:17:56,070 --> 00:17:57,738
Appreciate it. Thank you.

421
00:17:57,739 --> 00:17:59,306
Joe List!

422
00:17:59,307 --> 00:18:01,141
Whoo!

423
00:18:01,142 --> 00:18:03,710
Roseanne, how amazing was Joe List?

424
00:18:03,711 --> 00:18:05,679
Well, you're fantastic.

425
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,414
Thank you. You too.

426
00:18:07,415 --> 00:18:08,649
The fact that you write and deliver,

427
00:18:08,650 --> 00:18:10,083
it just goes so perfectly

428
00:18:10,084 --> 00:18:12,085
with the persona you're showing us.

429
00:18:12,086 --> 00:18:14,588
It all just adds up. It's pretty precise.

430
00:18:14,589 --> 00:18:17,191
Thank you. That's... this is me.

431
00:18:18,426 --> 00:18:20,961
I'm terrified.

432
00:18:20,962 --> 00:18:23,063
Um, well, I think Joe is great.

433
00:18:23,064 --> 00:18:24,431
I think Joe's a writer,

434
00:18:24,432 --> 00:18:27,634
and that's what he should
pursue in his career.

435
00:18:27,635 --> 00:18:29,436
You packed so many jokes in there,

436
00:18:29,437 --> 00:18:31,538
but at the end, I think you could even pack

437
00:18:31,539 --> 00:18:33,140
more of them.

438
00:18:33,141 --> 00:18:36,143
And you're my favorite type of comedian.

439
00:18:36,144 --> 00:18:39,179
But your future lies in writing.
That's what you should do.

440
00:18:39,180 --> 00:18:40,447
That's great, man.

441
00:18:40,448 --> 00:18:42,149
Norm Macdonald just called you ugly.

442
00:18:42,150 --> 00:18:44,184
Yeah.

443
00:18:44,185 --> 00:18:45,385
Keenen.

444
00:18:45,386 --> 00:18:46,854
I thought Joe was great.

445
00:18:46,855 --> 00:18:48,455
The imagery you created of...

446
00:18:48,456 --> 00:18:51,391
... trying to do
yoga with an erection was...

447
00:18:52,961 --> 00:18:55,696
Was hilarious, and all those things

448
00:18:55,697 --> 00:18:58,265
made it so that you
didn't have to do a lot.

449
00:18:58,266 --> 00:19:01,101
Your words created such great visuals

450
00:19:01,102 --> 00:19:03,737
that it didn't require a lot
of animation, which was great.

451
00:19:03,738 --> 00:19:04,938
- Thank you, well...
- Yeah.

452
00:19:04,939 --> 00:19:07,407
Thanks. I have an album available.

453
00:19:07,408 --> 00:19:09,376
You want to plug your album right now.

454
00:19:09,377 --> 00:19:10,777
You were doing so well.

455
00:19:10,778 --> 00:19:12,112
No, I meant you could just listen.

456
00:19:12,113 --> 00:19:13,914
That's what... Okay, sorry.
It was supposed to be a joke.

457
00:19:13,915 --> 00:19:16,216
I hate myself.

458
00:19:16,217 --> 00:19:17,684
Anything else? You want some more rope?

459
00:19:17,685 --> 00:19:20,655
- Nope, that's all right.
- Nope! Joe List, everybody.

460
00:19:22,690 --> 00:19:24,691
- Sheng was here last year.
- Yes.

461
00:19:24,692 --> 00:19:26,793
You didn't bring your A-game that night.

462
00:19:26,794 --> 00:19:28,495
Will the
second time be the charm?

463
00:19:28,496 --> 00:19:32,366
Once I was walking home,
and I heard somebody yell

464
00:19:32,367 --> 00:19:33,367
"ching-chong."

465
00:19:33,368 --> 00:19:35,102
I took it well,

466
00:19:35,103 --> 00:19:38,772
because my name is Sheng...

467
00:19:38,773 --> 00:19:40,708
Wang.

468
00:19:45,429 --> 00:19:47,531
The thing is, I'm on a cleanse right now,

469
00:19:47,532 --> 00:19:49,799
so this is all me right here.

470
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,735
Sheng Wang platter.

471
00:19:51,736 --> 00:19:53,737
My name is Sheng Wang.

472
00:19:53,738 --> 00:19:55,372
It rhymes.

473
00:19:55,373 --> 00:19:57,107
And it's fun to say.

474
00:19:57,108 --> 00:19:59,109
This is how I'm gonna party!

475
00:20:01,546 --> 00:20:03,213
Sheng Wang, Sheng Wang!

476
00:20:03,214 --> 00:20:06,750
Growing up, I used to not love this name,

477
00:20:06,751 --> 00:20:09,753
because it was, like, too Asian.

478
00:20:09,754 --> 00:20:11,555
I think around middle school,

479
00:20:11,556 --> 00:20:13,823
I gave myself a nickname.

480
00:20:13,824 --> 00:20:15,458
For years, I was named Jerry.

481
00:20:16,594 --> 00:20:18,828
Sheng...

482
00:20:18,829 --> 00:20:20,363
Jerry.

483
00:20:20,364 --> 00:20:22,599
When I got to high school, in my homeroom,

484
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,701
there was another kid named Jerry Wang.

485
00:20:24,702 --> 00:20:26,169
And then I was like, well,

486
00:20:26,170 --> 00:20:29,072
I guess I'll just go back to my roots.

487
00:20:29,073 --> 00:20:31,908
I was on Last Comic Standing last year.

488
00:20:31,909 --> 00:20:33,410
Sheng Wang, y'all!

489
00:20:33,411 --> 00:20:35,245
I got cut in the first round.

490
00:20:35,246 --> 00:20:36,947
I didn't come in with the right strategy.

491
00:20:36,948 --> 00:20:40,383
I just kind of was saving some
of my favorite jokes for later.

492
00:20:40,384 --> 00:20:44,054
Sheng, Sheng, you're up!

493
00:20:44,055 --> 00:20:46,890
This time, I'm gonna
be a little bit more strategic

494
00:20:46,891 --> 00:20:48,725
about how I choose my jokes.

495
00:20:48,726 --> 00:20:51,862
Give a warm welcome to Sheng Wang!

496
00:20:56,601 --> 00:20:59,002
I do live in New York, and, um,

497
00:20:59,003 --> 00:21:02,038
once I was walking home,

498
00:21:02,039 --> 00:21:05,376
and I heard somebody yell "ching-chong."

499
00:21:08,746 --> 00:21:11,314
And I saw him.

500
00:21:11,315 --> 00:21:14,250
He was a grown man.

501
00:21:14,251 --> 00:21:18,251
He yelled out loud, "Ching...

502
00:21:18,756 --> 00:21:21,024
chong."

503
00:21:21,025 --> 00:21:24,160
I took it well,

504
00:21:24,161 --> 00:21:28,431
because my name is Sheng...

505
00:21:28,432 --> 00:21:29,767
Wang.

506
00:21:31,702 --> 00:21:34,404
Yeah, I think you're gonna have to hit me

507
00:21:34,405 --> 00:21:38,405
a little bit harder.

508
00:21:38,876 --> 00:21:42,245
I regret to inform you, but...

509
00:21:42,246 --> 00:21:44,415
your hate is weak.

510
00:21:47,251 --> 00:21:48,853
It's weak.

511
00:21:51,789 --> 00:21:56,394
I'm sorry. My mama beat you to the punch.

512
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:05,035
I used to live here in California.

513
00:22:05,036 --> 00:22:08,171
I used to have a prescription
for medical marijuana.

514
00:22:10,174 --> 00:22:11,941
It's not a big deal,

515
00:22:11,942 --> 00:22:14,044
but for the first time in my life,

516
00:22:14,045 --> 00:22:18,045
I purchased marijuana with my credit card.

517
00:22:18,949 --> 00:22:22,085
That just feels nice.

518
00:22:22,086 --> 00:22:23,520
It...

519
00:22:23,521 --> 00:22:25,955
I swiped it. Transaction went through.

520
00:22:25,956 --> 00:22:29,760
No problems. Got 120 points for airfare.

521
00:22:31,662 --> 00:22:35,666
Yeah. That is a good drug deal.

522
00:22:38,302 --> 00:22:41,504
The weird thing was, two days later,

523
00:22:41,505 --> 00:22:43,540
I went to the Red Cross website

524
00:22:43,541 --> 00:22:45,241
because I wanted to give those good folks

525
00:22:45,242 --> 00:22:47,110
just a little bit of money.

526
00:22:47,111 --> 00:22:49,579
Immediately, my credit card got frozen

527
00:22:49,580 --> 00:22:53,316
for suspicious activity.

528
00:22:53,317 --> 00:22:55,719
Messed me up, right?

529
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:58,455
Two days ago, I bought weed.

530
00:22:58,456 --> 00:23:02,456
My credit card company was
like, it's a $120 drug deal.

531
00:23:02,793 --> 00:23:06,764
Yeah. That's Sheng Wang.
That is what he does.

532
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:10,900
Two days later, my credit
card company's like,

533
00:23:10,901 --> 00:23:14,901
it's a $12 contribution
to the Red Cross.

534
00:23:15,706 --> 00:23:17,408
Hold up!

535
00:23:19,810 --> 00:23:22,213
That's not the Sheng we know.

536
00:23:28,352 --> 00:23:32,423
He must have got hacked
by a philanthropist.

537
00:23:34,258 --> 00:23:37,527
Thank you guys very much.

538
00:23:37,528 --> 00:23:39,662
Sheng Wang!

539
00:23:39,663 --> 00:23:41,331
Sheng Wang!

540
00:23:41,332 --> 00:23:44,267
- Man, great job, Sheng.
- Thank you, thank you.

541
00:23:44,268 --> 00:23:46,603
- Roseanne.
- A lot of great writing.

542
00:23:46,604 --> 00:23:49,205
My favorite one... "hijacked
by a philanthropist."

543
00:23:49,206 --> 00:23:51,641
That was some great material,

544
00:23:51,642 --> 00:23:55,634
and you've got great delivery,
likable, authoritative.

545
00:23:55,635 --> 00:23:56,668
Great set.

546
00:23:56,669 --> 00:23:59,182
Thank you. Thank you very much.

547
00:23:59,183 --> 00:24:01,718
Norm, what'd you think of the Wang man?

548
00:24:01,719 --> 00:24:03,987
Well, the opening joke was amazing,

549
00:24:03,988 --> 00:24:06,523
and I can tell you're a great writer.

550
00:24:06,524 --> 00:24:10,593
And I think you're gonna be
around at the end for sure.

551
00:24:10,594 --> 00:24:12,829
Thank you!

552
00:24:12,830 --> 00:24:15,131
Keenen.

553
00:24:15,132 --> 00:24:17,967
Well, Sheng was here last year.

554
00:24:17,968 --> 00:24:19,135
- Yeah.
- Yes.

555
00:24:19,136 --> 00:24:21,871
And I was a fan of his,

556
00:24:21,872 --> 00:24:24,240
but our note to him was

557
00:24:24,241 --> 00:24:25,942
you didn't bring your A-game that night.

558
00:24:25,943 --> 00:24:27,343
True.

559
00:24:27,344 --> 00:24:29,445
He came back tonight.
He brought the A-game.

560
00:24:29,446 --> 00:24:30,914
- Yeah.
- You killed it.

561
00:24:30,915 --> 00:24:34,184
Show your appreciation for
Sheng Wang, everybody.

562
00:24:34,185 --> 00:24:36,086
Thank you very much.

563
00:24:38,722 --> 00:24:41,057
I have a pillow over my legs,

564
00:24:41,058 --> 00:24:44,961
because if I don't, it's
gonna be a whole new show

565
00:24:44,962 --> 00:24:47,797
'cause this dress is too short.

566
00:24:47,798 --> 00:24:49,265
I can't wait.

567
00:24:49,266 --> 00:24:51,868
This is a long way from where I came from.

568
00:24:51,869 --> 00:24:53,269
I started as a street performer

569
00:24:53,270 --> 00:24:55,171
performing on the streets of Venice Beach,

570
00:24:55,172 --> 00:24:57,273
and here I am on national television,

571
00:24:57,274 --> 00:24:59,876
so I'm pretty excited to
show America what I have.

572
00:24:59,877 --> 00:25:01,211
Good stuff, good stuff.

573
00:25:01,212 --> 00:25:02,912
This is dangerous, what I'm
about to do right here.

574
00:25:02,913 --> 00:25:05,582
Don't try this at home. Razor-sharp knives!

575
00:25:05,583 --> 00:25:07,250
Relax. I'm a skilled professional.

576
00:25:07,251 --> 00:25:08,818
I know what I'm doing. Everybody relax.

577
00:25:08,819 --> 00:25:10,888
Okay, here we go.

578
00:25:13,657 --> 00:25:15,758
Juggling and looking away.

579
00:25:19,897 --> 00:25:21,398
Thank you.

580
00:25:25,302 --> 00:25:26,604
Two balls!

581
00:25:28,706 --> 00:25:30,875
Four balls!

582
00:25:32,276 --> 00:25:34,711
Nothing could prepare me
for moving to LA, though,

583
00:25:34,712 --> 00:25:36,079
as a normal-sized woman.

584
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:39,282
Do you know they weigh you at LAX?

585
00:25:39,283 --> 00:25:41,584
If you're over, like, 120, 125,

586
00:25:41,585 --> 00:25:44,454
they do not let you into
the Los Angeles area.

587
00:25:44,455 --> 00:25:46,823
They just put you in a room
with Triscuits and grapes

588
00:25:46,824 --> 00:25:48,892
until you get into fighting shape.

589
00:25:48,893 --> 00:25:50,727
It is intense!

590
00:25:50,728 --> 00:25:54,530
My mother is a quiet,
conservative Italian-American.

591
00:25:54,531 --> 00:25:56,399
And I never knew how she
felt about me being gay

592
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,201
until one day I come home and she goes,

593
00:25:58,202 --> 00:26:00,837
"I cannot wait for you to
meet the new neighbors."

594
00:26:00,838 --> 00:26:01,905
I go, "Why?"

595
00:26:01,906 --> 00:26:05,041
She goes, "They have two male dogs,

596
00:26:05,042 --> 00:26:08,344
"and we think they're gay!

597
00:26:08,345 --> 00:26:11,214
"So I told them all about you,
and now we want you to tell us

598
00:26:11,215 --> 00:26:13,784
if the dogs are really gay."

599
00:26:16,981 --> 00:26:18,688
The whole backyard is fenced in

600
00:26:18,689 --> 00:26:20,657
by 6-foot-high chain-link fencing, right?

601
00:26:20,658 --> 00:26:22,292
So I look at them, and I
go, "Here's the problem.

602
00:26:22,293 --> 00:26:26,664
Your dogs aren't naturally gay.
They're just prison gay."

603
00:26:28,065 --> 00:26:30,600
Growing up, I was the black
sheep of the family.

604
00:26:30,601 --> 00:26:34,601
Even in our home movies,
I was always an extra.

605
00:26:35,839 --> 00:26:37,941
I recently had a big fire
in my apartment too.

606
00:26:37,942 --> 00:26:40,843
I lost everything except my slinky.

607
00:26:40,844 --> 00:26:43,814
It made it down the fire escape.

608
00:26:46,216 --> 00:26:48,584
I have a dog, he's half St.
Bernard, half pit bull,

609
00:26:48,585 --> 00:26:51,855
so he likes to save people
and then kill them.

610
00:26:52,990 --> 00:26:54,424
Love R&B.

611
00:26:54,425 --> 00:26:58,294
I think R&B's the absolute
greatest musical genre there is.

612
00:26:58,295 --> 00:27:01,421
But R&B's evolved to a
very weird and vulgar place.

613
00:27:01,422 --> 00:27:03,215
It is not where it used
to be at all, right?

614
00:27:03,216 --> 00:27:04,325
Like, I like the classics.

615
00:27:04,326 --> 00:27:06,402
R&B in the '70s, it
was all about heartbreak.

616
00:27:06,403 --> 00:27:10,273
You have grown men dressed
like Big Bird singing to you.

617
00:27:10,274 --> 00:27:12,475
They have those long intros.
♪ Do do do do ♪

618
00:27:14,211 --> 00:27:15,979
♪ Do do do do ♪

619
00:27:17,147 --> 00:27:20,583
♪ My wife left me the other day and ♪

620
00:27:20,584 --> 00:27:24,584
♪ That was the same day
my whole family died ♪

621
00:27:31,195 --> 00:27:33,396
My favorite, though, is
R&B in the '90s,

622
00:27:33,397 --> 00:27:35,565
'cause in the '90s, it got
a little more sensual.

623
00:27:35,566 --> 00:27:38,034
Yeah. But it was still respectful.

624
00:27:38,035 --> 00:27:42,605
Every song was like...

625
00:27:42,606 --> 00:27:46,175
♪ Baby, I wanna put a baby inside of you ♪

626
00:27:46,176 --> 00:27:48,579
♪ Baby ♪

627
00:27:55,586 --> 00:27:57,620
Boom. Key change.

628
00:27:57,621 --> 00:28:01,491
♪ Baby, I wanna put a baby inside of you ♪

629
00:28:01,492 --> 00:28:03,761
Like, yo, he wants her pregnant!

630
00:28:06,196 --> 00:28:08,431
Thank you guys so much.

631
00:28:08,432 --> 00:28:10,500
I think you have great presence,

632
00:28:10,501 --> 00:28:14,037
but I felt like the material was familiar.

633
00:28:14,038 --> 00:28:16,472
I thought that was some
excellent social critique

634
00:28:16,473 --> 00:28:18,941
in a whole new different package.

635
00:28:18,942 --> 00:28:21,177
It was electrifying.

636
00:28:21,178 --> 00:28:22,512
I loved it.

637
00:28:22,513 --> 00:28:24,680
Thank you very much.

638
00:28:24,681 --> 00:28:27,583
Martin Marrow, everybody! Martin Morrow.

639
00:28:27,584 --> 00:28:30,019
I don't know how we're
gonna judge this down.

640
00:28:30,020 --> 00:28:31,254
When we return,

641
00:28:31,255 --> 00:28:32,722
it's game time for Priya Prasad.

642
00:28:32,723 --> 00:28:33,923
Hello, it's me,

643
00:28:33,924 --> 00:28:37,632
the Shaquille O'Neal of Indian women.

644
00:28:42,589 --> 00:28:47,093
And we're back Last Comic Standing.

645
00:28:47,094 --> 00:28:48,995
Our next comic is backstage

646
00:28:48,996 --> 00:28:50,863
ready to impress the judges.

647
00:28:50,864 --> 00:28:52,265
Before she comes out,

648
00:28:52,266 --> 00:28:55,701
let's take a behind-the-scenes
look at Priya Prasad!

649
00:28:58,739 --> 00:28:59,772
♪ ♪

650
00:28:59,773 --> 00:29:01,641
- Hi.
- My goodness!

651
00:29:01,642 --> 00:29:02,675
Hi, Mama!

652
00:29:04,044 --> 00:29:05,111
My name is Priya Prasad.

653
00:29:05,112 --> 00:29:06,646
I'm from Bellevue, Washington,

654
00:29:06,647 --> 00:29:09,215
and my parents are originally
from Bangalore, India.

655
00:29:09,216 --> 00:29:11,284
I grew up in a very
traditional Indian household.

656
00:29:11,285 --> 00:29:13,953
My parents made sure that I was involved

657
00:29:13,954 --> 00:29:15,588
in my Indian culture.

658
00:29:15,589 --> 00:29:17,657
They would take me to
India every other year,

659
00:29:17,658 --> 00:29:18,724
and I was known as

660
00:29:18,725 --> 00:29:20,793
the Indian kid who plays the sitar.

661
00:29:20,794 --> 00:29:23,896
♪ ♪

662
00:29:23,897 --> 00:29:27,897
I consider my parents to be traditional...

663
00:29:29,369 --> 00:29:32,371
but with a nontraditional heart?

664
00:29:32,372 --> 00:29:34,407
Hit it.

665
00:29:36,610 --> 00:29:38,544
In the Indian culture, it's pretty common

666
00:29:38,545 --> 00:29:41,547
for kids to grow up and
be doctors or lawyers.

667
00:29:41,548 --> 00:29:45,184
One of our friends told us, "Do you know

668
00:29:45,185 --> 00:29:47,687
that your daughter's doing stand-up comedy?

669
00:29:47,688 --> 00:29:49,255
I said, "What?"

670
00:29:49,256 --> 00:29:50,623
♪ ♪

671
00:29:50,624 --> 00:29:53,192
Comedy... it's catching up in India

672
00:29:53,193 --> 00:29:56,162
very heavily right now.

673
00:29:56,163 --> 00:29:57,897
The youngsters are loving it.

674
00:29:57,898 --> 00:30:00,299
If I didn't have the
experiences that I've had

675
00:30:00,300 --> 00:30:03,302
with both my parents who
have a little bit of crazy

676
00:30:03,303 --> 00:30:05,238
in their noggin,

677
00:30:05,239 --> 00:30:07,073
I don't think I'd have any material.

678
00:30:07,074 --> 00:30:10,042
Tell me about the Last Comic Standing.

679
00:30:10,043 --> 00:30:11,878
Mostly I'm gonna make fun of you and Mom.

680
00:30:13,981 --> 00:30:15,047
So...

681
00:30:17,150 --> 00:30:18,985
Being on Last Comic
Standing is a huge honor,

682
00:30:18,986 --> 00:30:21,053
and my parents are super-excited.

683
00:30:21,054 --> 00:30:23,356
Winning would mean that
I made the right choice

684
00:30:23,357 --> 00:30:24,957
about becoming a comedian.

685
00:30:24,958 --> 00:30:26,626
It's a thrill that she's gonna be

686
00:30:26,627 --> 00:30:28,294
part of Last Comic Standing.

687
00:30:28,295 --> 00:30:30,196
We're very, very proud of Priya.

688
00:30:30,197 --> 00:30:32,598
Yes, absolutely proud.

689
00:30:32,599 --> 00:30:34,434
Priya Prasad!

690
00:30:36,937 --> 00:30:38,771
Yes, you guys, hello!

691
00:30:38,772 --> 00:30:43,075
It's me, the Shaquille
O'Neal of Indian women!

692
00:30:43,076 --> 00:30:45,478
I'm here!

693
00:30:45,479 --> 00:30:47,413
It's me!

694
00:30:47,414 --> 00:30:51,817
I don't know if my standards
are just really high or what,

695
00:30:51,818 --> 00:30:55,187
but here's an example...
I met this guy recently.

696
00:30:55,188 --> 00:30:56,856
We were having a really good conversation.

697
00:30:56,857 --> 00:30:58,324
Everything was going great

698
00:30:58,325 --> 00:31:00,593
until I asked him what he did for a living.

699
00:31:00,594 --> 00:31:02,094
And that's when he said,

700
00:31:02,095 --> 00:31:06,233
"I am an ambulampse driver."

701
00:31:09,469 --> 00:31:11,170
I'm sorry, you're a what?

702
00:31:11,171 --> 00:31:14,774
What does it say on the
side of your ambulampse?

703
00:31:14,775 --> 00:31:16,842
So I looked at him and I said,

704
00:31:16,843 --> 00:31:20,313
"Irregardless...

705
00:31:20,314 --> 00:31:24,317
"of the fact that it's been
great to conversate with you,

706
00:31:24,318 --> 00:31:26,585
"I'm finnin' to go over here

707
00:31:26,586 --> 00:31:29,121
and have some scrimp cocktail."

708
00:31:29,122 --> 00:31:30,590
Pow!

709
00:31:32,926 --> 00:31:34,994
Anyone else get offended when you see signs

710
00:31:34,995 --> 00:31:39,031
outside of stores that say
"Indian hair sold here"?

711
00:31:39,032 --> 00:31:40,866
I wish they'd be more
subtle about it, you know?

712
00:31:40,867 --> 00:31:42,068
It could say something like,

713
00:31:42,069 --> 00:31:44,870
Eastern locks of love available here.

714
00:31:44,871 --> 00:31:49,241
Strands from the sands on sale!

715
00:31:49,242 --> 00:31:51,210
You know, other stores are subtle about it.

716
00:31:51,211 --> 00:31:52,912
You don't seen signs
outside of stores that say

717
00:31:52,913 --> 00:31:54,780
"Trinkets we stole after
we raped and pillaged

718
00:31:54,781 --> 00:31:56,716
an African village."

719
00:31:56,717 --> 00:32:00,252
No, it says Cost Plus World Market

720
00:32:00,253 --> 00:32:02,122
'cause they're subtle.

721
00:32:05,559 --> 00:32:07,760
I'm gonna leave you with
one statement, you guys.

722
00:32:07,761 --> 00:32:08,995
Let me get through the whole thing.

723
00:32:08,996 --> 00:32:11,564
Dear black girlfriends of mine,

724
00:32:11,565 --> 00:32:14,166
how come I can go in the rain with my hair,

725
00:32:14,167 --> 00:32:16,602
but you can't go in the rain with my hair?

726
00:32:16,603 --> 00:32:18,838
Thank you, guys. My name is Priya Prasad.

727
00:32:18,839 --> 00:32:21,074
Priya Prasad!

728
00:32:22,909 --> 00:32:25,177
Now, Keenen.

729
00:32:25,178 --> 00:32:26,912
I see here you only been doing stand-up

730
00:32:26,913 --> 00:32:28,347
for five years.

731
00:32:28,348 --> 00:32:30,883
Well, the next five years
is where your growth is.

732
00:32:30,884 --> 00:32:33,786
And part of the problem

733
00:32:33,787 --> 00:32:36,188
with the writing of the jokes

734
00:32:36,189 --> 00:32:38,157
was you were too safe.

735
00:32:38,158 --> 00:32:39,892
- The thing is...
- I don't think so.

736
00:32:39,893 --> 00:32:41,694
Well, I'll give you an example.

737
00:32:41,695 --> 00:32:45,064
Your joke would have been
funnier had you just said

738
00:32:45,065 --> 00:32:49,065
it was a black guy who
said ambulampse and shrimp

739
00:32:50,070 --> 00:32:51,537
and... you know.

740
00:32:51,538 --> 00:32:53,039
You didn't... you didn't tell us.

741
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:57,276
And we knew, but you didn't wanna say it.

742
00:32:57,277 --> 00:32:58,277
Okay.

743
00:32:58,278 --> 00:32:59,812
And the thing is,

744
00:32:59,813 --> 00:33:02,114
you know, you have to be pacific.

745
00:33:04,951 --> 00:33:08,354
It's time to get bold, and
it's time to get dangerous.

746
00:33:08,355 --> 00:33:10,289
Go out there, take those chances.

747
00:33:10,290 --> 00:33:11,857
- Okay.
- And you have the intelligence,

748
00:33:11,858 --> 00:33:14,326
- so those jokes will come.
- Okay.

749
00:33:14,327 --> 00:33:15,561
Norm.

750
00:33:15,562 --> 00:33:19,031
I feel like you're funny,
but to be a comic,

751
00:33:19,032 --> 00:33:22,835
the most important thing is
to be able to write jokes.

752
00:33:22,836 --> 00:33:27,139
And so I feel like you
should be a comic actress.

753
00:33:27,140 --> 00:33:29,442
You should go... I don't
know where they go.

754
00:33:29,443 --> 00:33:31,477
Groundlings or something like that.

755
00:33:31,478 --> 00:33:32,945
Groundlings, here I come.

756
00:33:32,946 --> 00:33:36,248
A nice little hug from Norm Macdonald.

757
00:33:36,249 --> 00:33:37,716
Well, when you say
"Groundlings, here I come,"

758
00:33:37,717 --> 00:33:40,252
is that where you feel you should be?

759
00:33:40,253 --> 00:33:41,854
Yeah. I'll take the advice,
and I'll work on it.

760
00:33:41,855 --> 00:33:44,156
- I'll work on the writing.
- No, don't work on the writing.

761
00:33:44,157 --> 00:33:46,492
- Don't work on the writing.
- Don't work on the writing.

762
00:33:46,493 --> 00:33:48,527
- You're a comic actress.
- Okay.

763
00:33:48,528 --> 00:33:50,796
Other people will write you good stuff.

764
00:33:50,797 --> 00:33:52,331
- Okay.
- Will Ferrell,

765
00:33:52,332 --> 00:33:55,968
a friend of mine, never did a
stand-up moment in his life,

766
00:33:55,969 --> 00:33:57,203
you know?

767
00:33:57,204 --> 00:34:00,372
Actually, he did once, and he...
he was horrible.

768
00:34:02,175 --> 00:34:05,077
Excuse me... she had a couple
of ball-busting jokes.

769
00:34:05,078 --> 00:34:06,679
Excuse me.

770
00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:09,415
Thank you.

771
00:34:09,416 --> 00:34:11,317
Her thing about Cost Plus,

772
00:34:11,318 --> 00:34:13,085
that was fierce.

773
00:34:13,086 --> 00:34:15,421
Her stuff about the hair,
that was fierce too.

774
00:34:15,422 --> 00:34:17,656
Thank you.

775
00:34:17,657 --> 00:34:20,759
Well, Roseanne just...
She just made my point.

776
00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:24,130
You're fierce. That's
where you need to stay.

777
00:34:24,131 --> 00:34:26,665
- That's where you need to go.
- Okay. I got it.

778
00:34:26,666 --> 00:34:28,902
Keep it going for Priya Prasad, everybody.

779
00:34:30,337 --> 00:34:32,304
That "pacific" line was awesome.

780
00:34:32,305 --> 00:34:34,473
That was killer. Killer line.

781
00:34:34,474 --> 00:34:36,542
That was the line of the night.

782
00:34:36,543 --> 00:34:37,843
Coming up,

783
00:34:37,844 --> 00:34:39,678
is this comic on track to win it all?

784
00:34:39,679 --> 00:34:40,713
I live in New York.

785
00:34:40,714 --> 00:34:42,414
Comedian friend of mine convinced me

786
00:34:42,415 --> 00:34:44,683
to do stand-up comedy on the train.

787
00:34:44,684 --> 00:34:48,155
We are not friends anymore.

788
00:34:49,456 --> 00:34:51,557
Then, it's results time.

789
00:34:51,558 --> 00:34:55,127
And the last comic moving
on to the semifinals is...

790
00:34:58,895 --> 00:35:01,637
Now, if you're wondering
what would cause a person

791
00:35:01,638 --> 00:35:04,073
to turn to a life of stand-up comedy,

792
00:35:04,074 --> 00:35:06,542
which is something I'm just
gonna assume about you,

793
00:35:06,543 --> 00:35:07,577
take a look at this.

794
00:35:10,581 --> 00:35:13,082
♪ ♪

795
00:35:13,083 --> 00:35:14,684
I'm ready.

796
00:35:14,685 --> 00:35:16,319
Ready.

797
00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,387
My name is Shakir Standley.

798
00:35:18,388 --> 00:35:21,190
My friends call me Shak.

799
00:35:21,191 --> 00:35:23,292
My lady friends call me

800
00:35:23,293 --> 00:35:24,594
Love Shak.

801
00:35:24,595 --> 00:35:27,230
No, they don't. That is a complete lie.

802
00:35:27,231 --> 00:35:29,198
This guy...

803
00:35:29,199 --> 00:35:31,267
That's the nicest thing...

804
00:35:31,268 --> 00:35:33,236
- Should I say more?
- Anybody's ever said to me.

805
00:35:33,237 --> 00:35:36,539
I'm currently a cast member on
the improv show Wild 'N Out.

806
00:35:36,540 --> 00:35:37,874
Now that I'm on TV,

807
00:35:37,875 --> 00:35:39,642
this chick who didn't believe in me...

808
00:35:39,643 --> 00:35:41,811
I can get back at her.

809
00:35:41,812 --> 00:35:43,847
In your face, Grandma!

810
00:35:45,282 --> 00:35:46,983
I grew up on the West Side of Chicago.

811
00:35:46,984 --> 00:35:48,918
I played basketball for a while,

812
00:35:48,919 --> 00:35:52,588
and then everybody started
growing, and I didn't,

813
00:35:52,589 --> 00:35:54,624
and you kind of need to be
tall to play basketball.

814
00:35:54,625 --> 00:35:56,526
I was like, I gotta find something else.

815
00:35:56,527 --> 00:35:58,694
So I kind of developed a sense of humor,

816
00:35:58,695 --> 00:36:01,330
and look at me now.

817
00:36:01,331 --> 00:36:04,468
Look at me no...

818
00:36:06,003 --> 00:36:08,371
Shakir, he's one of those people
that is just naturally funny

819
00:36:08,372 --> 00:36:09,972
because it's effortless.

820
00:36:09,973 --> 00:36:12,708
You know, he walks in the room,
the way he looks at you,

821
00:36:12,709 --> 00:36:14,544
the way he carries himself is just funny.

822
00:36:14,545 --> 00:36:17,413
I'm weird. I am a weird guy.

823
00:36:17,414 --> 00:36:18,781
Being on Wild 'N Out,

824
00:36:18,782 --> 00:36:21,284
you have to rely on your teammates.

825
00:36:21,285 --> 00:36:23,419
When I do stand-up, I'm in complete control

826
00:36:23,420 --> 00:36:26,823
of the ride I want the audience to go on.

827
00:36:26,824 --> 00:36:30,226
I want stand-up to be the
only thing I do for a living,

828
00:36:30,227 --> 00:36:31,928
and I think winning the Last Comic Standing

829
00:36:31,929 --> 00:36:33,629
could make that, like, real.

830
00:36:33,630 --> 00:36:35,765
I don't want Shakir to win,

831
00:36:35,766 --> 00:36:37,567
because I think Shak's
great on Wild 'N Out.

832
00:36:37,568 --> 00:36:40,570
So... come in, like, fourth.

833
00:36:40,571 --> 00:36:42,573
Shakir Standley!

834
00:36:46,176 --> 00:36:50,175
A lot of comedians just told
you a bunch of soft-ass jokes!

835
00:36:55,219 --> 00:36:57,486
Not this guy.

836
00:36:57,487 --> 00:36:59,956
See, when you watch Shakir
Standley do stand-up,

837
00:36:59,957 --> 00:37:02,058
you better know...

838
00:37:02,059 --> 00:37:06,263
that you're only gonna get that
raw, uncut gangster material.

839
00:37:08,532 --> 00:37:12,068
So let's get into it!

840
00:37:12,069 --> 00:37:14,270
I like soup!

841
00:37:14,271 --> 00:37:16,272
Yeah, I said it.

842
00:37:16,273 --> 00:37:18,808
Lentil!

843
00:37:18,809 --> 00:37:21,043
Black bean!

844
00:37:21,044 --> 00:37:24,013
New England clam chowder.

845
00:37:24,014 --> 00:37:27,450
Yo, no disrespect to you, young lady,

846
00:37:27,451 --> 00:37:31,451
but you kind of remind me
of New England clam chowder

847
00:37:32,055 --> 00:37:35,258
'cause you appear to be
both rich and creamy.

848
00:37:35,259 --> 00:37:37,793
Boo-yah! Don't get me started.

849
00:37:37,794 --> 00:37:39,062
Don't get me started!

850
00:37:41,398 --> 00:37:42,798
I live in New York.

851
00:37:42,799 --> 00:37:45,668
Recently, a comedian friend of mine

852
00:37:45,669 --> 00:37:48,971
convinced me to do stand-up
comedy on the train.

853
00:37:52,109 --> 00:37:56,109
We are not friends anymore, all right?

854
00:37:57,080 --> 00:37:59,081
But I did it, and this is what happened.

855
00:37:59,082 --> 00:38:00,516
I get on the train.

856
00:38:00,517 --> 00:38:02,551
I say, "Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Shakir Standley.

857
00:38:02,552 --> 00:38:05,254
"I'm a stand-up comedian.
I don't want any money.

858
00:38:05,255 --> 00:38:07,556
I just wanna tell you
guys some jokes," right?

859
00:38:07,557 --> 00:38:11,160
So I start my first joke, and
this Ukrainian guy stands up,

860
00:38:11,161 --> 00:38:15,398
and he goes, "No!"

861
00:38:15,399 --> 00:38:19,602
And, you know, I did not know what to do.

862
00:38:19,603 --> 00:38:22,838
So I kept going.

863
00:38:24,741 --> 00:38:27,310
He just got angrier and angrier.

864
00:38:27,311 --> 00:38:29,278
He starts cursing at me.

865
00:38:29,279 --> 00:38:33,382
He's like... he's like, "Fudge you!"

866
00:38:33,383 --> 00:38:35,151
But there's this heavyset
middle-aged black woman

867
00:38:35,152 --> 00:38:36,819
sitting in front of him.

868
00:38:36,820 --> 00:38:38,988
So she turns around, and she goes,

869
00:38:38,989 --> 00:38:43,025
"Excuse... me!

870
00:38:43,026 --> 00:38:44,894
"There are children

871
00:38:44,895 --> 00:38:47,964
on this train!"

872
00:38:47,965 --> 00:38:52,001
So the guy shuts up and sits down,

873
00:38:52,002 --> 00:38:55,271
and the woman turns around to me and goes,

874
00:38:55,272 --> 00:38:58,775
"Now, go on ahead and
tell your joke, baby."

875
00:39:04,147 --> 00:39:08,351
That woman is now my manager.

876
00:39:08,352 --> 00:39:10,486
Guys, my name is Shak Standley!
You've been great.

877
00:39:10,487 --> 00:39:11,487
Thank you so much!

878
00:39:11,488 --> 00:39:13,356
Whoo!

879
00:39:13,357 --> 00:39:14,957
Shakir Standley, everybody.

880
00:39:14,958 --> 00:39:17,626
Hard as nails, Shakir Standley.

881
00:39:17,627 --> 00:39:20,796
Keenen, what'd you think about Shakir?

882
00:39:20,797 --> 00:39:22,264
You made me laugh from
the moment you came out.

883
00:39:22,265 --> 00:39:23,265
Yeah.

884
00:39:23,266 --> 00:39:25,134
You didn't do conventional

885
00:39:25,135 --> 00:39:26,836
sort of set up punch lines thing,

886
00:39:26,837 --> 00:39:29,805
but the rhythm of it was
still in the stand-up mode,

887
00:39:29,806 --> 00:39:31,474
and it was really, really funny.

888
00:39:31,475 --> 00:39:33,276
Thank you so much.

889
00:39:34,978 --> 00:39:38,582
Norm, you gonna jump on
board this love train?

890
00:39:40,183 --> 00:39:42,184
Naw, I can't do it.

891
00:39:42,185 --> 00:39:43,586
The character, I like.

892
00:39:43,587 --> 00:39:46,389
There was an elfin innocence to it.

893
00:39:46,390 --> 00:39:49,291
You seem funny to me, but, um,

894
00:39:49,292 --> 00:39:51,627
I don't know what you're talking
about most of the time.

895
00:39:51,628 --> 00:39:55,628
Now, that could be my fault...

896
00:39:58,068 --> 00:40:00,436
Yeah, I understand what he's saying...

897
00:40:00,437 --> 00:40:02,304
Maybe a little bit too hip for the room.

898
00:40:02,305 --> 00:40:05,775
But I think that was more about
the construction of your set.

899
00:40:05,776 --> 00:40:06,876
You did great.

900
00:40:06,877 --> 00:40:08,010
Shakir Standley, everybody.

901
00:40:08,011 --> 00:40:09,712
Do with that what you will.

902
00:40:09,713 --> 00:40:11,013
Shakir Standley.

903
00:40:11,014 --> 00:40:13,215
Good stuff!

904
00:40:13,216 --> 00:40:16,085
That was the final
performance of the evening,

905
00:40:16,086 --> 00:40:17,553
and now the comics are at the mercy

906
00:40:17,554 --> 00:40:19,855
of our legendary judges.

907
00:40:19,856 --> 00:40:22,658
So we have to decide if we're
gonna put these two in.

908
00:40:22,659 --> 00:40:25,460
Wait, wait, what about him? He was good.

909
00:40:27,725 --> 00:40:29,427
This guy... we liked him, right?

910
00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:30,628
Yeah, we liked him.

911
00:40:30,628 --> 00:40:32,463
I think I have a pretty
good shot at moving on.

912
00:40:32,463 --> 00:40:34,241
The crowd seemed to respond well.

913
00:40:34,242 --> 00:40:36,043
I'm really happy with how I did.

914
00:40:36,044 --> 00:40:38,278
Keenen said I had a good stage presence.

915
00:40:38,279 --> 00:40:39,580
Roseanne said I was fierce.

916
00:40:39,581 --> 00:40:41,415
So I would love to move
on in this competition

917
00:40:41,416 --> 00:40:42,416
if that happens for me.

918
00:40:42,417 --> 00:40:43,684
I feel really good.

919
00:40:43,685 --> 00:40:46,019
Roseanne and Norm had
some great words for me.

920
00:40:46,020 --> 00:40:48,756
If it's like two out of three,
I'll probably move forward.

921
00:40:48,757 --> 00:40:50,124
Welcome back.

922
00:40:50,125 --> 00:40:51,658
We're moments away from revealing

923
00:40:51,659 --> 00:40:54,028
the judges' selections for the semifinals.

924
00:40:56,631 --> 00:40:59,200
The first comic moving on tonight is...

925
00:41:01,336 --> 00:41:03,203
Sheng Wang!

926
00:41:03,204 --> 00:41:05,172
This year, I made sure to bring my A-game.

927
00:41:05,173 --> 00:41:08,075
So far, it's paid off. I'm super stoked.

928
00:41:08,076 --> 00:41:10,677
Joe List!

929
00:41:10,678 --> 00:41:12,546
Mike Siegel.

930
00:41:12,547 --> 00:41:14,448
Drew Thomas.

931
00:41:14,449 --> 00:41:16,617
Andi Smith.

932
00:41:16,618 --> 00:41:18,852
Amir Gollan.

933
00:41:18,853 --> 00:41:20,721
Brad Loekle.

934
00:41:20,722 --> 00:41:23,223
And tonight, the last comic

935
00:41:23,224 --> 00:41:25,427
moving on to the semifinals is...

936
00:41:28,663 --> 00:41:30,564
Shakir Standley.

937
00:41:30,565 --> 00:41:33,066
I feel great. I
feel like I got a shot.

938
00:41:33,067 --> 00:41:34,401
Soup-based comedy.

939
00:41:34,402 --> 00:41:35,903
You're seeing it here.

940
00:41:35,904 --> 00:41:37,871
There you have it.

941
00:41:37,872 --> 00:41:40,574
Next week, it's our fourth
and final Invitational show.

942
00:41:40,575 --> 00:41:42,342
For Keenen, Roseanne, and Norm,

943
00:41:42,343 --> 00:41:43,944
I'm Anthony Jeselnik.

944
00:41:43,945 --> 00:41:45,312
We'll see you next week.

945
00:41:45,313 --> 00:41:47,915
Eight comedians from tonight's
show have moved on.

946
00:41:47,916 --> 00:41:50,584
They'll join the previous 23 semifinalists

947
00:41:50,585 --> 00:41:52,387
in the next round.

948
00:41:52,942 --> 00:41:56,827
- Sync and corrections by peterbrito -
- www.addic7ed.com -