Hey, Dad.
Hey.
What are you doing, Mr. Finnerty?
Just taking down the Christmas decorations.
You know Christmas is over
when the decorations come down.
It's kinda sad.
You know what makes me sad?
It's March.
Where are you guys off to?
We're going to the mall
to get Lily a new pair of sandals.
Then we're taking a mat-based Pilates class.
Lily, what are you doing to the kid?
He wants to go. He likes it.
Okay.
[grunts]
Oh. Hey.
Uh...
Brad! Lily!
Give me--Oh, O'Keefe.
Hey, can you give me a hand with this?
What, are you taking it down already?
It's not even Memorial Day.
You know, forget it, okay?
Brad! Lily!
They're gone, Finnerty.
Probably off doing a little naked skip-to-my-lo...
What are you talking about?
You know how teenagers are.
Once they find out that tab "A" goes into slot "B,"
that's all they want to do.
No, they said they're going to the mall.
Yeah, right, the mall.
When I was Brad's age,
I could "go to the mall" five times a day.
They're having sex?
Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't you know?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, man. Of course. I knew.
I've known for, you know, a good long time, yeah.
Uh-huh. They're having sex.
Oh. Good.
Do you want a hand with that Santa Claus?
No, no, hey, it's good. I'm fine.
Thanks. Yeah.
♪ [theme]
Claud. Claud, babe.
There's something we got to talk about.
You killed Santa?
No.
Yes. No. But that's not it.
It's about Lily.
What? What happened? Is she okay?
She's fine, she's fine. It's just...
she's not a virgin anymore.
Whoa.
Yeah. Yeah.
Her and Brad.
Wow.
Well...
we knew this day would come sooner or later.
I know, baby, but I didn't think it would be so soon.
I mean, we just turned our backs,
and all of a sudden, bam, you know?
You know what? I guess we just have to work
on accepting the fact that our daughter's becoming a woman.
Come on. We're too young to have a woman.
Oh, God. I can't be--Lily--
She's my--I mean--
This is--This is gonna be okay, right?
Listen, we can't freeze time, you know?
And Lily's a really smart girl.
At least she's being safe.
Good point. Right. She's safe. Good.
How do you know she's being safe?
I don't know.
I'm just assuming she's probably being safe.
Isn't that what I-- What did I say? Didn't I--
I meant to say she's prob-probably--
Oh, my God. You. You knew.
What? You knew.
Yes. You've been playing dumb this whole time.
You knew she had sex.
I--No, I--I was--
Okay, I knew.
How long have you known?
Not long. How long?
Just since the night it happened.
Which was when?
It was the night of her birthday.
Oh, God!
Oh, my God. I bought her skates!
So what? If you'd known, you would have bought her the Kama Sutra?
Okay, okay. Jokes like that are only funny
if you haven't just found out.
[door opens]
Hey. How's it going?
Ed, we're kind of in the middle of something here right now, okay?
That's okay. I'll catch up.
So this is how I have to find out about my own daughter?
You knew. O'Keefe, he knew.
Me, the father, never knew?
I knew, I knew.
What?
Brad and Lily having--
Ahh, Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Yeah. Yeah, that's what we're talking about.
You knew?
How could you not know?
What, so everybody knew but me?
Haven't you noticed how comfortable Brad's gotten around the house lately?
[ring]
Hello.
Oh. Yeah. He's right here.
Oh, thanks. Hello?
Hey, Zander. What's up, man?
Nothing much.
Wait. Hold on. I got a beep.
Hello?
Jada, what's up?
What are you doing?
Want some?
What are you doing?
Don't look at me. I'll freeze up.
Get out of here!
God, how could I have been so stupid?
Not stupid, willfully ignorant.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I was not willfully ignorant.
I was willfully not told by my wife.
Oh, come on. How could I have told you?
You would have lost your mind.
You would have killed Brad
and wound up in prison.
No, I would not have lost my mind!
You are a hothead, my friend.
No! No! I'm not a hothead, okay?
I'm not. I take things in stride.
Ha! You've never taken anything in stride.
You fly off the handle at the slightest thing.
Oh, really? Yeah? Yeah, like when?
Uh, like Saturday at the movies.
Oh. Over here.
Sorry. That's taken.
What about those ones right there?
No, no. Those are taken, too. See the sweater?
There's a couple down there on the left.
I kind of like these better.
Yeah, but I said they're taken.
Yeah, but nobody's sitting in them.
They're running a little late.
Well, you know, we're here now.
And frankly, I'd be surprised
if you had this many friends.
Don't touch the sweater.
Give me the sweater, you stupid--
[Man] Aah!
Now sit down, baby. Let's enjoy the movie.
There should be a rule:
one sweater per seat,
and at least half the party should be seated at all times.
And you wonder why we don't tell you things.
Oh, come on!
That's different.
My daughter's not some jackass with a cardigan.
Jimmy, Henry, tell your mother
that I am not an irrational monster.
Or what?
Or nothing.
Just tell her the truth.
I kinda feel like I'm being set up here.
Oh, God, this is so crazy!
That's not me at all.
Come on, why would Lily tell you and not me?
Daughters tell their mothers things.
Why have a special bond.
I worked very hard to earn Lily's trust
by not being judgmental,
so she tells me everything.
Okay.
Is there some other secret you haven't told me about?
Has Jimmy joined the Army? Has Henry married?
Oh, come on.
I tell you everything about our kids.
You didn't tell him about the--
Hey, shh!
The what? The what?
It's nothing.
No, no, no, no. Tell me.
It's nothing.
It's just those stupid liberty quarters
you keep up in that box in the attic.
What? What happened to them?
Henry spent them.
They're quarters.
Rare quarters.
They're half mine.
Our grandfather Paddy gave those to us.
Oh, God!
Those quarters are worth money.
They are money.
No, they're worth more than they are.
Hey, look, I needed them.
It was an emergency.
Come on, Hokki Gai watch.
Hokki Gai watch, Hokki Gai watch.
Crap, another tattoo.
I hope you realize that these aren't just quarters.
This is a coin collection.
And I'm going to turn it into a watch collection.
Come on, Hokki Gai watch.
Hokki Gai watch.
Stupid lenticular art!
Dad's going to kill you when he finds out.
And I'd like to think that he doesn't find out.
Don't insult me.
Enjoy.
If you need me, I'll be at the arcade
kicking ass on Dance Dance Revolution!
Crap, another tattoo!
I just need a few more quarters
and that watch is mine.
Henry, no.
Oh, come on, Dad.
If I walk away now
some other kid will get the big payoff.
Don't cut me off.
No way, Henry.
But I'm due!
Quit pushing it, all right?
He's going to snap
and you're going to take me down with you.
I'm not going to snap all right?
I'm taking it easy,
easier than this situation warrants.
What?
How about some discipline here?
All right, Fine, fine.
Jimmy, Henry, no dessert.
What's for dessert tonight?
What do you like?
Pudding.
Wow, what a coincidence. It's pudding.
Ha! I hate pudding!
Jimmy's the one who likes it!
Henry!
Okay.
That's calm.
That's cool. I'm clam.
Contrary to popular opinion,
I'm a calm and reasonable man,
and now I'm going to pry a couple of angels off the roof.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's it? No dessert?
Come on. What kind of parents are you?
Henry stole our quarters.
Where are the consequences?
Where's the discipline?
Well, you know, I got a lot on my mind, Ed.
See, I thought I was part of a marriage based on trust and honesty,
but apparently I was wrong.
Oh, please.
That coin collection was half mine.
Whatever.
When you have kids, you got to pick your battles.
I'm picking mine. Let's go, guys.
Where are we going?
To see some consequences.
I don't like consequences.
Let's go!
Ed, if you keep them out past four hours,
you got to feed them.
Hey, Mom.
Lily! Oh, my God.
We got to talk.
I got to check my e-mail and call Brad.
Maybe after dinner.
No, no. Now.
What is it, Mom?
It's your dad.
He found out that Brad is your...
special friend.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, who told him?
Is he freaking out? He's totally freaking out.
He's going to send me to a convent.
Sweetie, calm down, okay?
Oh, my God. This is the worst!
I knew he'd have to find out eventually,
but I hoped I'd be married with kids
and he'd just sort of assume.
Yeah, no such luck.
Oh, my God, I have to warn Brad.
No, just calm down. Don't worry.
We talked about it and I think he's okay.
He's not mad at you.
He's mad at me for not trusting him enough to tell him.
But Dad can be such a hothead!
I know.
Believe me, I know.
But he seems to be dealing pretty well with it.
You're kidding.
No, I'm serious.
I think maybe we underestimated him.
[Sean] Son of a bitch!
[Brad] Aah!
Ow!
What? He's... fine.
[Sean] You're fine, right, Brad?
Oh!
See? He's great.
He's fine.
Sean, why is there a bloody plastic angel on your front walk?
It's not bloody.
It's got blood on it.
Maybe there are droplets of blood,
but it's far from bloody.
Then why is there an angel with droplets of blood on it out front?
Well, uh--ahem-- It fell from the roof.
And started bleeding?
No, no, no.
It hit Brad O'Keefe in the nose.
Oh, that's too bad.
I mean, a bleeding plastic angel
could draw a paying crowd in this neighborhood.
Where's Jimmy and Henry?
They're on their way.
Guys, what is this thing doing here?
Easy, easy.
This is the machine the kid pumped all our liberty quarters into.
What, so you stole it?
It's a teaching tool.
I'm teaching them how to respect other people's property.
Oh! By stealing other people's property.
I'm an unconventional kind of teacher.
I'm like one of those big-hearted Robin Williams characters.
Jimmy, I want you to go upstairs
and get those empty coin booklets.
Henry, I want you to sort through every one of them quarters
until you find the ones you lost.
And while you're doing it,
I want you to think about how it makes other people feel
when you take things that belong to them.
Can I keep some of the toys?
What do I care?
All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No! No!
Give me this thing.
Okay, Brad.
Have a seat.
We'll get you some ice.
I can't stop looking at the bandage.
It looks fine!
Nobody's going to notice.
This thing is making me go cross-eyed.
It's an eye magnet!
Whoa! What happened to your face?
Oh, your dad just tried to kill me.
Oh, man... I could be next!
What did you do?
Me and Henry took his coin collection.
What did you do?
He found out my and Lily--
Shut your mouth, Brad!
[Sean] Brad! Oh, Brad!
Let me help you on the--
I'm sorry.
Dad, please, why don't you put the wrench down?
You're really scaring me.
Oh, come on, Jimmy.
I've never even spanked you your whole life.
You think I'm going to smack people with a wrench?
I honestly don't know what you're capable of.
Brad, I'm so sorry.
It was an accident.
It could have happened to anybody.
Whatever you say, Mr. Finnerty.
God, I didn't do it on purpose!
You ruined Christmas for him.
Are you happy?
It's March!
Calm down, all right? [doorbell rings]
I think you've done enough.
Why don't you go get Brad some more ice?
Yeah, I can get him some ice, okay?
Because I'm a good person.
I do good things for people.
[all gasp]
Okay, that was an accident.
An honest--Ice.
Hi, Dan.
Brad's right here.
Brad? Look at you.
What the hell did you do, you idiot?
I didn't do anything.
It was my dad.
He was like a crazed beast.
You son of a bitch!
[Brad] Ow!
He attacked you with an angel?
Yes, we were talking about Lily,
and--I don't know-- He just got really mad.
What the hell is your problem, Finnerty?
What?
I should have known you'd become a violent lunatic
when you found out your daughter was giving herself to my boy!
You told your dad?
Kind of. Oh, God.
I ought to go get one of my plastic Christmas candles
and beat the crap out of you!
Hey, come on! You're crazy!
Look, I got no problem with this.
I'm fine with it. They're teenagers.
It's natural that they'd be exploring their sexuality.
Eew. Please stop.
Admit it, it's driving you berserk,
the idea of Lily and Brad having an adult time.
God! Stop!
But it doesn't give you the right to try and murder my boy!
I didn't do nothing! Come on!
This has nothing to do with Lily and Brad's sex scene.
Oh, my God!
Stop talking!
Could we please have a little respect
for Lily and Brad's privacy here?
Hey! I'm not the one who is trying to kill them for doing it!
I wasn't trying to kill them for doing it!
If one more person says "doing it,"
I'm going to kill us all!
Come on, Brad!
Finnerty, I'll see you in large claims court!
There's no such thing, you idiot!
There's small claims court and court!
He's going to kill me.
Your father's totally going to kill me.
Maybe if you hadn't told your dad,
none of this would have happened!
I didn't mean to, okay?
It slipped out.
My dad was giving me a driving lesson,
and it wasn't going so good.
Is that when you were practicing parallel parking
and almost killed the dog?
Yes.
He started screaming at me about how I'm such a dumb-ass,
and even if I did get a girlfriend
I'd probably run over her dog.
So I blurted it out.
Then he got all misty on me,
so I gave him a hug,
then he took me to Macy's and bought me some pants.
My dad's never bought me pants before.
Oh, Brad.
[moans]
Sorry. Does it hurt?
Yeah.
That really, really hurts.
You poor thing.
Wait, wait, wait!
Get away from me! What?
You're going to get me killed.
Brad, are you going to be like this
every time you're around me?
Your dad's out there somewhere.
I got to go!
Aah!
Brad! Brad!
It's okay.
I just want to sit down and talk--
We were just talking.
Exactly. That's fine.
We weren't even touching, I swear.
I know. You don't have to go!
I'm pretty sure I'm gay.
Lily, I--
Obviously, I was right not to tell you about this.
Come on, I didn't do anything.
Oh, so the angel flew off the roof
and attacked Brad on its own?
Come on. Give me a little bit of credit, okay?
I'm not a crazy person.
So, Brad, I guess you and Lily
have been getting a lot closer these last few months.
No, no, no. Not at all.
It's okay.
I know what's going on with you two.
I think I hear my mom calling.
I need to--
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold on. I got you. I got you.
I got you.
You don't have to be scared, man.
I know everybody's scared of me.
They think I'm going to freak out because I'm Lily's dad,
but that's not true.
I'm cool.
Can I go now?
Yeah, sure, Brad.
Son of a bitch!
[Brad] Ow!
Ow!
Brad?
I just wanted to be his friend.
Why?
Things are happening with you, big things,
and I just don't want you to be too scared to tell me.
So what do you want me to tell you?
Anything.
I want you to know I'm not going to freak out
because I'm not like that.
But it's weird. You're my dad, you know?
What, so it's not weird for your mom?
I mean, you went to her right away.
No, I didn't. She caught us.
Really? Yes!
She found Brad in my bedroom in my pink bathrobe.
It was kind of obvious.
Really?
So it wasn't like you two shared a special bond
so you told her?
God, no.
Oh, great!
There are tons of things that I don't tell Mom.
Like what?
I'm not going to tell you.
Tell me! No!
Tell me just a tiny thing.
I want to know something that she doesn't.
And you're not going to tell her?
Of course not. That would defeat the whole purpose.
I want something that only you and I share.
You got a little heart tattoo.
Uh-huh. Clever.
Back where no one can see it. Yeah.
'Cause mom totally freaked out when I got my little Chinese symbol.
I know.
Two's enough, all right?
Three's trashy.
You should know.
Well, it's different for chicks, okay?
Okay.
All right, come here.
You're still my little angel!
Oh!
Okay.
We have a little secret.
Yes, we do!
Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey!
Where are you guys going?
The lesson has been learned.
We got all our liberty quarters back.
Good. So get rid of this thing.
Here's the plan, boys.
I'll be the lookout.
Mr. Blue, Mr. Yellow, you guys put the machine back on the rack.
If we run into any trouble,
everybody take off in separate directions.
No, you're taking this back by yourself.
You're undercutting my authority here, Sean.
You don't have any authority here. Go.
Okay.
All right.
Good night.
Hey. How did it go with Lily?
Just great.
We had a great talk, and she really opened up,
and she knows that she doesn't have to be afraid of me.
Oh, sweetie, remember when our biggest problem with her
was when she was afraid of that monster in the bathroom?
That's because you told her there was a monster there.
She kept getting into my makeup.
She didn't potty train till she was, like, six.
Okay.
What did you talk about?
I can't tell you.
Yeah, right. What was it?
No, I can't.
It's a secret between me and Lil.
Honey, come on, she tells me everything.
Then she probably told you about this.
Well, I'm sure she did.
So what was it?
I can't tell you.
All right. Because you made it up.
Uh-uh. No, no, I didn't.
See, we have a bond now.
Oh, yes. Okay.
What would you like for dinner?
No, no, seriously.
She has a secret. A real big one.
And I know about it and you don't.
Because, um, you made it up.
No, I didn't.
I'm telling the truth.
Does spaghetti sound good?
Believe me, don't believe me, I don't care.
Maybe with a little meat sauce?
I've got a secret.
You don't know about it.
Could you hand me that pot?
She got another tattoo right back here
right behind her hairline.
No.
Ha! You didn't know, did you?
[Claudia] Lily!
Oh, God! She told me in confidence!
Get your butt out here!
Lily, I didn't tell her anything!
1918. Is it mint?
Sub-mint.
Okay, it's worth 35 cents.
Oh, God.
This one's mint. What year?
1920. 80 cents!
That's not bad for a quarter.
How much did you spend on this book?
28 bucks.
28 bucks...
Holy crap, are those liberty quarters?
Yeah. Do you know how much those are worth?
Why? You want to buy them?
Let me get my wallet.