Hey, babe. Hey.
What are you doing?
Just looking on the internet.
Oh, no. You're looking for your grades again, aren't you?
No, I'm looking at porn.
No, you're not.
They were supposed to be posted by 4:00.
Baby, it's 3:48.
By 4:00. That means any time up to 4:00,
and probably before.
Okay, that's it. This is driving you crazy.
I'm shutting this off.
All right? You've been studying too hard.
You need to relax. No.
I have a relaxation technique that never fails.
I'm just worried. All right?
I just want to do well. I know.
And listen. "Whatever" about the grades.
I just want you to know I'm really proud of you.
Yeah? Yeah. I'm really bursting with pride for you right now.
I'm so proud of you. Okay.
I wanna get my grades!
Eww! Eww! Eww! Eww! We have company.
It's cool. I've seen much worse.
You have?
Oh, yeah!
Sometimes in the fall when that tree by my window
has lost it's leaves, I can see...
much worse.
Okay. Tomorrow we're getting curtains.
Can I have the car? Brad and I want to go to the mall.
No. Sean.
Oh. I'm sorry, baby. That's a reflex.
I thought I was talking to the old Lily.
I forgot I was talking to the new Lily
the "A" student Lily.
"A+".
God. you still have that on the fridge?
We're still proud.
It's not just any old "A,"
it's a "Well-written, well-researched effort."
"Thought-provoking pleasant surprise" Lily.
Don't worry. I still love you, "B" boy.
I got an "A" on my biology lab.
I'm sorry, was that an "A+"?
No.
Mm-hmm. Was anybody pleasantly surprised?
No!
That's what I thought.
Mom, did your grades come yet?
Not yet.
Wouldn't it be great if we both got A pluses
on our Absalom, Absalom! papers?
Then we can make fun of "B" boy together.
Hey, Jim.
When's the funeral?
I get it; I'm wearing black.
No, no, no, I'm serious.
Uncle Bill died.
Oh, my God. When?
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I am. I'm jokin' on your clothes.
It's not funny, Dad.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop.
Seriously, where you goin'?
I'm going out tonight.
Oh, so you and the other mimes
can walk against the wind? Whoohoo!
Are you referencing my clothes again?
Yeah, okay, I'll stop. But who you goin' with?
Just some friends. I'll be back in time for dinner.
Okay, be careful, and especially if you go into the city,
you don't wanna get caught in a box.
Eh, nice threads.
Thank you.
My dad thinks I look like a mime.
Who? Joe Flannel over here? What does he know?
Looks like he's workin' the door at a lesbian mixer.
That's real funny. You know what?
I think I'm gonna walk downstairs and cry.
Sean! Sean! They're up!
They're up!
Alright, I'm comin'. I'm comin'.
Alright, Biggs, DeMeto... Finnerty.
Okay...
Don't be nervous, alright? Oh, God.
It's not about the grade. You worked so hard.
I'm already proud of you.
Oh, my God!
You got an "F"?
I got an "F" in English!
Still proud.
♪
Alright, Lily... what's the difference
between iambic pentameter and iambic tetrameter?
What are you asking me for?
Well, 'cause I'm not really great in English
and you just got an "A" on your paper.
Okay, first of all, my paper was on Faulkner, not poetry.
And second of all, "A+".
Just--come on, please help me.
What's in it for me?
I'll keep helping you in chem, trig, Spanish, history--
Okay, okay, okay.
Um... pentameter has more... "ameters" in it than the--
The other one.
What do you mean?
Jeez, Brad, at a certain point, I'm not helping you;
I'm just doin' it for you!
Hey, Eddie, can I talk to you for a second?
What's up?
Here's the thing.
You know Courtney Daniels?
Yeah, I sit behind her in social studies.
Alright, well, there's this girl,
um, and I kinda like her.
And last night a bunch of us went out to the movies
and I think she's into me.
Coming to theaters this summer--
Is this, uh-- Is this close enough?
Not really.
So far, I don't see what the problem is.
No. I mean, that part's great.
It's just--
Hey, guys. What's goin' on?
Nothing.
Is he okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Somebody just spilled his popcorn at the movies.
But I think he's gonna make it, ya know?
Okay.
Oh, hey, baby. So what's the deal?
Did you talk to your professor about the "F"?
Yes. Is he gonna change it?
It seems unlikely.
Why not? That's crazy. You worked so hard.
Maybe we should lodge some kinda complaint.
Yeah, you know, um, I think we might
just wanna let this one slide.
Dr. Endicott
Claudia Finnerty. I assume you're here about your grade.
Yes, I am.
How in the world did I get an "F"?
Well, keep in mind it all came down to your final paper.
Which was a damn good paper.
It was a brilliant paper. Thank you.
I enjoy it every year.
What do you mean?
That paper was written ten years ago
by a grad student at Berkeley.
Well...
You have a nice summer.
You plagiarized?
Sorta.
Ah, God. Why, baby?
How could you do somethin' like that?
I didn't intend to, alright?
I worked a double shift at the restaurant
and it was really late and-- And I was exhausted,
and I-- I was weak.
Aw, baby, it's almost midnight.
I'm aware of that.
Well, good luck.
Well, hey...
wanna fool around?
Nah, you're good.
Oh, God, alright!
Oh, my God, Lily stole the paper first? Yes, yes!
I don't know where she got it, but it wasn't hers.
And we were so proud of her. I know.
We took her out for lobster because she copied a paper?
Yes, we did.
Baby, how could you not have noticed it was so brilliant?
I didn't read it;
I just printed it off her computer.
Look, I just wanted to pass, you know?
I thought a high school "A" would translate nicely
into a college "C".
Oh, my God. What?
She had seconds.
What are you talking about?
The lobster!
Jim?
Uh, just a second. Just a second.
Hey, hey, hey, Eddie.
Hey.
What's goin' on? Not much.
You gonna introduce me?
Alright, alright.
It's just that girl, Courtney, alright?
I really get the feeling she's expecting more...
things to happen and I-- I don't want her to think
I've never been to the next stage.
Have you? I think we both know the answer to that.
Yeah. I guess the bear shoulda tipped me off.
Yeah, I just-- I wanna know how to get one of these things off
without looking like an idiot.
I assume you're talking about the bra.
Yes. Yes.
Alright, listen.
Is it embarrassing to be fumbling around
with a girl's bra? Sure.
But if that's all you're focused on...
you're gonna miss the signals this girl is sending you.
It's more embarrassing to make a move when she's not ready.
Well, let's say it is the right time. Okay?
I mean... I just wanna know how it works.
It's got, like, three clasps,
an elastic thing--
You're not listening to me.
You don't take off a bra with these.
You take it off with this.
Are you saying I can remove a girl's bra telekinetically?
No.
Well, maybe you can. I don't know.
What I'm saying is...
when it's meant to come off, it'll come off.
I--I hear ya.
Can you--can you just show me once what the trick is?
Just once? There's no trick.
You just--
You push the hooks together and twist them.
Whoa!
Get outta here, Henry!
You know that's a boy bear, right?
Get out!
Lily can't get away with this.
We have to confront her.
No, we can't confront her.
Why not?
Because how do we know she cheated?
Because you took her paper.
Exactly.
No, it'll ruin my credibility.
She'll never respect my authority ever again.
She'll respect mine. Isn't that good enough?
No, we are a team.
Come on, don't rat me out.
Okay.
Hey, Dad, can I have the keys?
Brad and I wanna get frozen yogurt.
Why don't you walk?
Dad, walking is for "B" students,
not "A" students, let alone "A+" students, right?
Yeah. Enjoy your yogurt.
Thank you.
Uh, $10 for the "A" student?
$10 for yogurt?
"A" students need lots of toppings.
Oh, thank you.
My God, she is gonna get it!
Hello?
No, Jimmy's not home.
He's probably upstairs puttin' panties on my Elmo doll.
Hey! Hey! Give me that!
Hello?
Uh, Courtney, hi.
No. No, no, no. I was just--
I was upstairs, um, you know, like,
lifting weights and shaving and stuff like that.
Um, so, how's it goin'?
Yeah, that movie's supposed to be great.
I'll meet you there.
Bye. How'd that sound? Not too bad.
Think I still got a shot at the bra?
Why don't we discuss that after you hang up the phone?
Man, I'm--
I'm not cut out for this.
Hey, it's alright. Listen, what's tonight about?
The bra.
Even more than that.
The boobs.
Now listen, it's about reading the girl.
It's about making a connection.
It's about really paying attention to what she wants.
If you can do that, everything will fall into place.
She might even take off the bra herself.
Oh, man, really?
Oh, my God.
Not if you're gonna giggle like that.
Sorry.
You're gonna be alright.
Now get outta here.
Thanks, Uncle Eddie. Just remember, okay?
There's more to girls than just their bodies.
Wow.
What?
"There's more to girls than just their bodies"?
That's--that's a very enlightened thing to say.
Thanks. Can I get a hug?
And we're back.
Hey, is everything okay? Yeah, yeah.
Why is it every time I just walk through the door,
everyone assumes I've screwed somethin' up?
Sean, what's goin' on?
Nothin', baby. Everything's alright.
What happened?
Well, you know how you said we couldn't punish Lily?
Yeah.
Well, I went and talked with someone who could.
What can I do for ya, Mr. Finnerty?
Oh, well, it just seems that...
some of your teachers around here,
their grading policies might be a little loosie-goosie.
Henry was given the assignment to write
a three-page report on ocean life.
He turned in one notebook paper
covered with stickers of Spongebob.
I think a "C+" was more than generous.
No, absolutely.
I'm talking more about Mr. Hobbs,
Lily's English teacher.
What about Mr. Hobbs?
Well, it just seems like someone might turn in a paper
that seems to be written by a college student,
I mean, way above high school level,
and Mr. Hobbs might not even notice.
In fact, he might give it an "A+".
Mr. Finnerty, we deal with plagiarism
very, very seriously here.
Yes, and you should.
I mean, I'm sure it involves a rewriting of the paper,
a stern talking to, a week's detention.
I don't know if you still do the ruler on the knuckle thing, but that's--
That's your department, not mine.
No. We have a zero-tolerance policy.
If a student is found to have plagiarized a paper,
she'll be expelled.
She?
She'll--What?
This is a hypothetical conversation we're having.
This is--How did we get from Spongebob and Henry to expulsion?
This is, um--
Mary Margaret?
Would you please have Lily Finnerty
bring in her English paper tomorrow?
What are you gonna do?
I'm going to read Lily's paper
and determine if it was plagiarized.
Lily? Now we're talkin' about Lily?
This is completely insane! I mean, are you--What?
I can't even follow your thought pattern at all.
Whoa. Okay?
Crazy talk. I'm gonna leave now.
Alright?
You got her expelled?
No, no, not until tomorrow
when Sister Helen reads her paper.
Well, that was so stupid!
You had to know the school had a zero-tolerance policy!
Hey, hey, hey! I'm not the expect on cheating, here.
Okay, now I've said two things I regret.
Oh... God! What are you gonna do?
Lily can't get expelled. Her whole future will be ruined!
I know. I know.
Well, she can go to a public school, right?
She wouldn't last a day; those public school kids
would smell private school all over her.
Alright, well, there's no way
Sister Helen can see that paper.
She--Okay, you know what?
She can write a new paper.
And then she can just take that old cover
and put it on the new paper, right?
We just have to figure out a way to explain why you ratted her out to Sister Helen.
I have a good idea. Why don't we just tell her
that you copied her paper and be honest about the whole situation.
Will you please just drop it?
All I want to know is why you don't want to show Sister Helen your paper.
I just don't. Okay?
I'm sure she just wants to show it to some of the other students as an example.
Maybe I don't like being the center of attention. You ever think of that?
No.
Okay. If I tell you, will you promise to drop it?
Yes, yes. What?
Well, I kind of, I forgot a footnote on the paper.
So. Big deal. Who cares?
It's kind of a big footnote.
Come on. How big could it be?
The one where I credit the entire paper to the person who actually wrote it.
You plagiarized your paper?
Don't blame me. It's your fault.
What? How could it be my fault?
You gave me the idea.
And I turn around, and he's staring right at my test.
Don't you do the thing with your arms? I do! I do!
Cheating is totally out of control.
You know there's websites where you can buy term papers?
It's disgusting.
That wasn't a recommendation.
I know, but I couldn't resist.
When one reads William Faulkner's Absalom, Absalom!
One cannot help but feel one's self sucked into the history of America itself.
That means nothing.
When William Faulkner first wrote Absalom, Absalom!
It was 1936. One must consider that time when one analyzes--
Stop with the "one" s!
No. No. No.
All right already!
I'm only human. Why did you have to tell me about the website?
I thought you had some will power.
I don't. You know that.
Lily, come on. We signed our allegiance to the honor code.
Does that mean anything to you?
Yes, but that was before I had to read Absalom, Absalom!
I was lost half way through the title.
I can't believe this. I--I'm sick. I'm...
Brad, I'm sorry. Okay? But don't worry.
I know how to make this whole problem go away.
You're gonna kill Sister Helen?
I'm gonna get rid of the paper.
Oh! Hey, Mom and Dad.
Lily, we want to talk to you about your paper.
You mean my "A+"?
This isn't easy for me to say, but... um...
The other night when I was working on my paper,
I took a little look at yours.
You did? Yes.
And I'm afraid that-- Okay, fine. I got it off the internet.
Yes. That is exactly where I was going.
Oh, really? Yes.
And it's really wrong to steal somebody else's work.
I didn't steal. I paid $20.
Oh! That makes it all just peachy.
I guess I should mention it'll be under JPX Marketing on your credit card.
And I ordered a hat. I'm sorry.
Lily! Don't you know there are gonna be consequences for this?
I know. I'll admit it all to Sister Helen tomorrow.
You can't! St. Finnian's has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to plagiarism.
How do you know that?
Because I'm a parent.
And I'm supposed to know those things.
So if you turn that paper in tomorrow, they're gonna expel you.
I can't get expelled.
Would I have to go to public school?
My God, you'll never survive public school.
They don't even have doors on the stalls.
I can't pee without a door on the stall.
I don't like it when people can see my feet!
That's why you have to write a new paper tonight
and put the old cover on it. And you gotta get to it.
I can't write a whole report in one night. That book was impossible.
You know, Mom. You had to write a paper on it, too.
I sure did.
Get to it, Lily.
Okay,. Can I read the report I handed in?
You didn't even read it?
It's like 20 pages.
Hey, Jimmy. How's it going?
Went fine. Good time.
Uneventful.
So that movie you went to see, it was 15 minutes long?
Yeah. it coulda gone better.
So, have you heard anything about this movie?
Jimmy.
Huh?
Have you heard anything about this movie?
I don't even know what movie this is.
You're funny.
What are you doing?
Yes! I got it!
Okay. You might have focused a little too much on the bra.
Yeah.
You got any advice on how I can give it back to her?
You kept it?
I tried to put it back on her,
but it didn't really seem to calm her down.
Okay. What you did does not qualify
as connecting with a--
What you did does not qualify as connecting with a woman.
Clearly, we're gonna have to have another little talk.
All right.
Should I go set up the bear?
Please don't!
Hey. How's it going?
Okay.
Yeah?
"Absalom, Absalom!: What is the meaning of the title."
That's a start.
It's not my paper. I don't know what the title means.
Want a cookie?
Thank you.
I'm sorry. I know what I did was wrong.
And I'm sorry you're disappointed in me.
Listen, Lily, I do understand the temptation to cheat.
I cheated once.
Really? When?
When's not important.
What's important is that after that day,
I never cheated again.
Thank you for being so understanding.
I read the book. Maybe I could help you out.
That'd be great!
Okay. Okay.
We could look at your paper. No.
No. That would be cheating.