( Jazz music playing )
Has anyone seen my Tropical Getaways brochure?
You know, B, you didn't have to steal it.
I was gonna donate it
to the library under your mattress.
Wait a minute, this isn't my trig book.
Yeah.
Uh, guys come up with the lamest excuses.
Oh, yeah. Like when you told me
that you had that whisker burn all over your face
from kissing my mother?
Hello.
Fran, that really happened.
Oh, well, I'll give you that one.
I wish I could get away for the holidays,
but I just have so much work to do.
♪ Cheers, gotta keep that nose so bright. ♪
♪ Don't you guide a sleigh that night? ♪
Ah, ha ha. Oh.
( Coughs )
I've gotta get that flu shot.
Fran, does this mean
that you won't be with us for Christmas?
No, sweetie.
Your father and I are taking separate vacations this year.
You know, sometimes, when two people
spend a lot of time together,
and one's not willing to commit,
the other has to take the money
that she would've spent on her trousseau,
and drown her sorrows in Bahama Mamas.
You know, it's okay, Fran.
It's not like you and daddy are married.
Or dating, or even...
Babbling, sweetie.
Miss Fine, this is ridiculous.
We don't have to take separate vacations.
Look, I really think that it'll be better for us.
And I don't wanna argue about it,
'cause my mind's made up.
Well, it's a shame.
I was thinking of chartering a yacht
and cruising off the Greek islands.
Well, nothing's set in stone.
Well, I'd like to discuss this with you in private.
If that's all right with you two.
- Er, are you talkin' to me? - Oh, did you say something?
Come on, let's go to my office.
Whoa, Nellie!
Don't you know, it's terribly impolite
to listen in on other people's conversations?
This, from the man who posed for the RCA dog.
Now, let go of me, I don't wanna miss this.
All right, but be careful, I just...
( screams )
( glass breaking )
waxed the floor.
♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing Queens ♪
♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out ♪
♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪
♪ She was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell makeup, but father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there ♪
♪ That's how she became The Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She is the lady in red ♪
♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪
♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪
I just don't understand
why you're suddenly taking a separate vacation.
What is the big deal?
It's not like we're one of those needy, co-dependent couples
that have to spend every waking moment
with each other, right?
Where're you going?
I just think the holidays are a time for us to be together.
Like a, a warm, loving family.
Well, I got news for you.
A warm, loving family requires a legally-binding certificate,
registered with the State.
And Pottery Barn.
Besides, what is this unnatural obsession with you
not wanting me to take a vacation by myself?
Oh, well, now I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
Oh, ho, no?
I'm taking the entire family on a cruise.
Where're you goin'?
The Caribbean.
That's fabulous!
Just like me.
I know, we're coming with you.
What?
Now, Miss Fine, wasn't it your idea,
that Brighton should have a big, Bar Mitzvah like to-do?
Yeah, Bar Mitzvah on land.
We're desert people, we don't like to get wet.
That's why we parted the Red Sea.
Huh. Well, hmm, that, well...
Why can't you just be honest, Mr. Sheffield?
The reason why you don't want me going on a vacation alone,
is because you are terrified that I'm gonna meet someone.
- Huh. -Yes, you are always sabotaging my dates.
Oh, that is ridiculous.
Every one of your dates I've been on,
I've behaved like a perfect gentleman.
You know, Maxwell, you're welcome to join us.
Oh. Ah, well, that sounds...
Mm, terribly inconvenient, couldn't possibly. Good night.
Are you sure?
Well, actually, ah...
What kind of car does he drive?
- A limo. - Oh, town car?
Stretch, it's enormous.
Bigger than mine?
If it's so important to you,
whip yours out of the garage,
and we'll have a limo measuring contest.
All right, fine.
Take your vacation in some tacky resort,
with it's tequila-shooter night,
and, oh, yes, a big Macarena marathon.
For your information,
this place happens to be nothing like that.
It's very, very classy.
Oh, look, they've got a strip limbo contest.
If that touches, is he disqualified?
Maybe from the contest.
Oh, my God!
- This is beautiful, it's paradise. - Oh, Fran, oh.
Hola, and welcome, ladies.
My name is Rico.
Please, ladies, after you.
Oh, well, you know, Rico, in our country,
it's customary for the man to go first.
- Mm-hmm. - Muy bien.
God bless America.
See, Fran, aren't you glad you came with me?
( Sighs )
You wouldn't be able to flirt with Rico,
- with Mr. Sheffield all over you. - Mm.
Dancing, smearing you with baby oil,
taking you for cocktails at sunset.
You know, Val, this is why my mother
never wanted me to play with you.
Where's the paint?
It's down there.
Why?
Well, you were in such a rush to get up here,
- I felt so restless. - It doesn't matter!
Let's just go down and get it.
Now, unlock your lever when I say, "Three".
Have you got that, Val? Three.
( Loud thud )
Aah! Oh, my God!
Val!
Fran, look at all these people,
we're never gonna get on the first bus.
Oh, don't worry, I'll take care of that.
Can you believe that gorgeous,
two-bedroom apartment on the corner there,
for only 400 bucks a month?
( Clamoring )
Oh, Val,
could you believe how stupid those people...
Val?
Oh, my God, a roach!
A roach! Oh!
Well, take your shoe off and kill it.
Oh, Val,
- this breeze is just fabulous. - Oh, I know.
Come on, let's get out of these bulky clothes.
Yeah.
Man on PA: Attention guests, a small tropical depression
might be heading for the island,
so there will be free cocktail inside the Lido pavilion.
- Ooh! - Free cocktails. Oh, oh!
( Strong wind blowing )
Okay, that cancelled.
- ( strong wind blowing ) - Get in, get in!
Mr. Sheffield,
a terrible hurricane is gonna hit the island
that Franny is on.
My baby is gonna die.
Oh, Sylvia.
Hold me, don't be such a gentile.
S-so, now I know, I-I've heard,
but it-it's, it's gonna be all right. Come on.
It's times like this,
you look up to God and ask why.
Why?
Well, now, we can't ask why, Sylvia.
It's nature.
It's... It's random, it's...
No! Why don't you marry my daughter?
She'd be home, safe with us right now.
Now, Sylvia, I appreciate you're upset,
but I'd prefer not to discuss something
that's really between Miss Fine and myself.
Make an exception.
How often am I here?
Ah, here they are, Naomi and Wynonna.
Do I smell banana fritters
with fresh fruit compote?
No.
Could I?
Ma!
Miss Taylor, I'd like you to meet my mother.
Sylvia Fine.
This meeting bestows an honor upon me,
which is unparalleled within my universe.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
( Winds blowing )
( thunder crashing )
I told them no salt!
- Oh, my God, sun, sun. - Aah!
Aah, okay.
- Ah! - Ah!
Oh, God!
Did I get anything?
No!
Oy, Fran, I'm scared.
This is like a real hurricane!
( Thunder rumbles )
Calm down, Val!
If it gets really bad,
we can always tie ourselves to something sturdy.
- Oh. - This'll do.
C.C.: If you hadn't waxed the stupid floor,
this never would've happened.
Oh, come on, don't be such a baby.
You're really getting the hang of it.
( Motor whirring noises )
I'm hungry.
Well, it's your own fault for not showing up for lunch.
I was waiting in the dining room for hours.
But I served upstairs in the solarium,
why didn't you...
Oh.
You wouldn't be able to torture me like this
if I wasn't in this chair.
But ya are, Babs, ya are.
Coffee?
Yes, please.
Yeow!
This is ridiculous.
I don't know why that stupid store doesn't deliver.
Oh, they do.
Oh, dear, I wonder if I can catch her.
( Very quietly ) Oh, Miss Babcock.
Maxwell, darling, is that you?
( Whispering ) Shhh, don't turn around.
( Exhales )
I'm yours.
Tell me what you want me to do.
( Whispering ) Cluck like a chicken.
What?
( Whispering ) It turns me on.
( Clucking )
( clucking )
( screams )
- You, get out of my way. - Ooh.
Oh, oh, Niles.
Oh, God, this thing is stuck, how do I stop it?
Hold on, I'll get the manual.
( Whirring continues )
Maxwell: Niles, are you busy?
Free as a bird, sir.
Niles, Niles!
Niles!
Man on Radio: Hurricane Diane continues to cut
a path of destruction,
and is bearing down on the Caribbean.
Stay tuned.
Oh, Niles, I'm awfully worried.
What if she dies?
Oh, I'll feed her eventually, sir,
I'm just screwing with her head.
- I'm talking about Miss Fine. - Oh.
What if something happens to her?
She'll never know how I feel about her.
No one knows.
No one?
Hello.
Niles, what am I gonna do?
These costumes are gonna be ghastly!
Was C.C. right?
Ha-ha-have I let my judgment be impaired
by my feelings for Miss Fine?
What feelings are those, sir?
- Well, you know. - No, I don't, sir.
Oh, come on, Niles.
Oh, but you'd feel so much better if you just said it.
Oh, perhaps you're right.
Maybe I should just admit that I...
Knock, knock.
Oh, wait!!
Why is she throwing herself at him anyway?
I mean, it's not as if she's never seen
a good-looking man before.
I've been known to turn a few heads in my time,
right, Niles?
You're a brick house.
Mighty, mighty.
What do I have to do to convince her,
she's desirable?
Oh, sir, I'm sure you'll think of something.
I mean, after all, you're a man, she's a woman,
fill in the blanks.
The children are at school,
she's lying on the sofa, and if all else fails,
what would Pierce Brosnan do?
( Gale blowing )
I don't know, Val.
Oh, all right, Sela Ward from "Sisters."
Yes. You are so good.
( Electricity crackles )
You know what, I'm gonna call the family at home.
Let them know that we're okay.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield gave you his phone?
Gave, fell in my purse, who remembers?
( Both gasp )
- Aah! - Aaah!
Val, the roof is gonna cave in!
We're gonna die!
Shouldn't our life be flashing before our eyes?
Val, we're over 30, single, and in bed with each other.
- What life? - Oh.
- ( Wood creaking ) - ( glass shattering )
- Oh, those poor children. - Oh.
They're gonna be lost
without my love and attention.
( Both cry )
Did you find out who it is, yet?
Honey, what did I tell you about snooping?
That there should always be a lookout.
Good. Go wait in the hall.
Right.
A hickey, Maggie?
Did you really think that you were gonna hide
a hickey from me, with a little pressed powder?
You need oil-based concealer.
Oh, just forget it, it's too humiliating.
Well, what could be so humiliating
about being smaller in the locker room?
Hmm.
Master Willie is here with his nanny.
Oh, now, honey, you go make an entrance,
and check yourself like I taught ya.
( Sniffing ) I'm fine.
( Thunder rumbles )
Well, I am never coming back to this place again.
I ordered room service a half an hour ago.
Do you see a fajita?
( Snoring )
Get up, I saw you through the window.
All right.
- Miss Fine, this idea - Mr. Sheffield,
of taking separate vacations was a horrible idea.
This was a lousy idea.
- I had a terrible time. - I missed you dreadfully,
- and I'm so glad you're back. - Let's never do this again.
- What? - What?
- Nothing. - Nothing.
The fact is, you're safe and...
we're all together for the holidays.
Yes, and I am never leaving home again.
Unless of course, you're dying to take a trip,
then we can always charter a yacht
around the Greek islands.
You know, Miss Fine,
this will be our fourth Christmas together?
- Hm. - It seems like only yesterday,
you came knocking on our door.
( Giggles )
May I see your resume, please?
Oh, yeah, sure, hmm.
- Crayon? - Lipstick.
Ah, of course. What a lovely shade.
( Chuckles )
I hate her.
Now, Brighton, let's not be hasty.
Yeah, I haven't even sung "Climb Every Mountain" yet.
Miss Fine,
you seem to have listed the Queen Mother as a reference?
What? Lemme see that.
Oh, no, that's not the Queen Mother,
that's my mother from Queens.
I can't believe that was four years ago,
and still, I'm only two years older.
You didn't think that I could handle this job,
but I turned out to be quite a professional.
While you're here, tell me,
should I take this back?
Uh, I think you should put it on.
No, I already had it on, it flattens out my b...
( shrieks ) Mr. Sheffield!
Why didn't you say anything?
Well, I-I-I didn't notice.
You didn't... You know,
I'm beginning to wonder about you too.
Oh. Oh, oh, I can't get it on, I'm stuck.
- Help me, help me. - Relax, Miss Fine,
we'll get it on.
Fran: No, rip it off.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm so hot.
Er, I can't do this standing up.
Just, just get on the bed.
Uh.
If you let me tell Miss Babcock about this,
I'll work free for a year.
Miss Fine, remember who signs your check.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I'm not gonna hit you with this.
- Oh! - Fake out, ha ha ha.
Friends?
Uh... all right, friends.
Come here.
No, stop it.
- Ohh! Ohh! - No, stop, stop.
- Ohh! Ohh! - Stop, stop.
Stop! Stop!
But you know, Mr. Sheffield, out of all the memories,
you know which one was my favorite?
Mm?
I now pronounce you, husband and wife.
Mazel tov. You may kiss the bride.
( Giggling )
( organ playing "Wedding March" )
Oh, Miss Fine, that never happened.
I threw that one in for you guys.
Happy holidays.
Fran: Niles, I got you invited to Greece.
Why can't you just relax and enjoy it?
Niles: Well, I'm sorry, but I can't help feeling
that I left something on in the kitchen.
( motor whirring )
( jazz music playing )