Franny, read me my horoscope.
Okay. Scorpio:
tomorrow you will awaken...
Woo-hoo!
( laughter )
What are you 'woo-hooing'? I didn't say anything.
I heard 'tomorrow' and 'awaken'. I'm cool.
( laughter )
Ah, Fran, my philosophy professor
has so opened my eyes to realize that my eyes may not even be open.
- Wow. - I mean,
I may not even have eyes. I may not even exist.
Now, well, according to your father, neither do I.
( laughter )
I mean, do you realize that 'red' may not even be 'red'?
I mean, 'blue' may not even be 'blue'!
Well, thank God that grey can still become black
according to my mentor, Lady Clairol.
Ha-ha-ha.
( laughter )
You know what else, Steve says?
You call your professor 'Steve'?
Well, just over cappuccinos.
You're having cappuccinos with 'Steve'?
Uh, you're talking too much, honey. Daddy's getting nervous. Shutty-uppy.
( laughter )
Well, of course I'm getting nervous.
And older, distinguished man. A young beautiful
woman right under his nose day after day?
What do you think's gonna happen?
Well, according to my experience: nothing!
( laughter )
Fran, I want you to go down to that
university and talk to Margaret's professor.
He probably has nothing but sex on the brain.
I've had worse assignments.
( laughter )
I'm not joking.
Oh, come on. Now, what's it gonna look like if I go down there?
I mean, the girl's 18 years old.
I don't care if she's 35.
Which isn't old, either.
( laughter )
You are her nanny. Now, go, please.
Alright.
I'll go too and pick up a little education
No.
I can only keep Sammy happy in the bedroom for so long.
Sooner or later he's gonna want to talk.
( laughter )
♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do, where was she to go She was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell make up but the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there, That's how she became the Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ The father finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out C.C. ♪
♪ The kids are actually smiling ♪
♪ Such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran. ♪
Oh, I remember when I went to school.
I used to walk past the daisy field carrying
my little metal lunch pail.
Pa was chopping wood...
Yetta, Yetta. That's the opening sequence to Little House On The Prairie.
( laughter )
Excuse me, are you Professor Steve?
( Applause )
Hello.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
a grown man taking advantage of innocent young women.
Do you do any private tutoring?
( laughter )
Yetta, Yetta, go wait for me downstairs,
just don't lie down anywhere near 'pre-med'.
( laughter )
Well, Professor Steve, I'm here because Mr. Sheffield
is very concerned that you might be paying just
a little too much attention to his daughter.
Oh, no, no, I give all of my students special attention.
Some of them just misinterpret it. Now look at these notes that I've collected here.
"Dear Steve, I love you. Ashley",
"I get lost in your eyes. Karen",
"You look sexy when you don't shave, Phillip".
( laughter )
Oh...
Third row. Bette Midler sweatshirt.
Well, the point is you're not interested in Maggie, and that's what I came to find out.
Now I feel like I earned my six bucks an hour.
Oh, wow.
What?
My horoscope said that I would meet a beautiful brunette with
big brown eyes and an exotic accent.
Get out of here.
( laughter )
No, no, see I'm really into astrology.
Oh...
What's the date and time of your birth?
Oh, 5 p.m., November 26.
Yeah, Ma had them induce labor so she wouldn't miss the Thanksgiving meal.
Uh, what year?
1970.
( laughter )
Oh, we are so compatible.
You want to get dinner some time?
Oh, that's very flattering but I'm actually seeing
a therapist about this very problem.
( laughter )
So I'm not your type?
That's so not it.
( laughter )
I'm just late for my 'Doormats-Without-Partners' meeting.
Well, how about Saturday?
- I'm sorry but... - Oh...
What?
That's my nephew's Bar Mitzvah.
Oh.
( laughter )
( music )
Lo juro, Carmencita, es verdad. Yo soy tu papá.
Ay, no, papa.
( laughter )
Why the hell are you watching a Spanish soap opera?
Shh...
Something big just happened.
What?
I have no idea.
( laughter )
Oh, Niles, just when I think you are so pathetic, you go and top yourself.
( laughter )
Well, I'm sorry, we can't all learn Spanish the way you did,
chasing frightened tourists down the streets of Pamplona.
( laughter )
Os he engañado. Daniel es su hermano.
( laughter )
Excuse me, sir, I have to sweep Master Brighton's room.
You mean the room with the broken
( with Spanish accent ) television?
( laughter )
I meant the living room.
( laughter )
Well, Miss Fine, how'd it go with Margaret's professor?
Oh, well, uh, better than I expected.
Wait, wait, I want to know what happened.
Um, nothing. Nothing. He's not at all interested in Maggie.
He's interested in me.
What? What do you mean he's interested in you?
Well, look, calm down, just calm down. You know,
he asked me out on a date. I didn't say yes.
Good.
I didn't say no, either.
( laughter )
What do you mean you didn't say no?
Well, should I have?
Well, of course.
Why? Do I have any prior engagements?
( laughter )
Miss Fine...
Mr. Sheffield, I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
I mean, a man asks me out and I say, 'I can't,
I'm in a totally monogamous relationship'.
The only part I leave out is that I'm in it by myself.
( laughter )
Miss Fine, what do you want me to say?
I would like you to give me one good reason why I should not say yes to this man.
I should have thought that was pretty obvious.
But do you want me to go ahead say it?
- Please, would you? - Fine, I'll say it.
I'll say it could... It could hurt Margaret.
( laughter )
Oh well, you know, if this was a cartoon, right now,
you would be strapped to the back of an Acme moon rocket.
( laughter )
Maggie could care less if I go out with Steve.
What?
How could you do this to me, Fran? I hate you.
Oh, Gosh.
Now this right on the heels of Brighton crashing the Mercedes.
Oh my...
( laughter )
We don't own a Mercedes, Miss Fine!
( laughter )
( knocking )
Max: I know you're in there.
Well, move over, Colombo.
( laughter )
Oh, Maggie, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea by the way you were acting that you had a crush on Steve.
Well, Fran, what am I supposed to do?
Parade around in some tight little sweater and throw myself at him?
That's so desperate.
( laughter )
You know, you kids have no respect for the classics.
( laughter )
Honey, you know, if you don't want me to go out with him,
just say so. I respect your feelings.
Well, I don't want you to go out with him.
Well, then I won't go out with him.
I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you.
I love you too, Fran.
Then please let me go out with him.
I'm going to grow old and die waiting for your father.
You're so young and blonde and rich.
You can have a zillion good-looking goyish guys.
How many gorgeous Jewish guys are there still left that are single at my age?
( Crying ) Oh, please, Maggie, let me go out with him. Please.
( laughter )
Fran, I guess you do kind of have a point.
I mean, it is harder to find a guy at your age.
And I am young.
And you are old.
( laughter )
Oh, okay. You can go out with him.
Oh, thank you for your mercy. Thank you!
( laughter )
( knocking )
Max: I'm waiting...
How's it feel?
( laughter )
( music )
( knocking )
I'm just gonna forget about Maxwell Sheffield and have a good time.
- Hi, hi. - Hi.
Hello, hello.
Max, Max, easy now Max.
Max?
( Dog barking )
Uh, good doggie.
Max takes a while to warm up to you.
Yeah... ( chuckles )
I know the breed.
( laughter )
Okay.
Come on in, make yourself comfortable.
- Thank you. - I'll just check on dinner.
Okay, great, thank you.
( Thinking ) Oh, this whole thing feels so wrong.
No, I'm just gonna make an excuse.
I gotta get out of here.
Steve: I make a killer lasagna.
( thinking ) I don't wanna be rude.
( laughter )
So, Max.
( laughter )
Well, this is freaky.
( laughter )
Would you like red wine or white?
Um, blueberry?
How did I know that?
( laughter )
Oh. Okay.
So, Fran.
Mm?
Before you got here, I did a chart.
Oh?
And your planets are very well-aligned.
Hehe.
Well, actually, one moon is a little lower than the other.
I take after my mother.
( laughter )
There's that cute little giggle.
Well, don't get me too into this stuff or I'll be laughing all night. ( giggling )
Oh.
( laughter )
So, you need me to help you or anything?
No, no, no. I'm doing all the work. You just lie back
and don't do anything.
Hehe. Okay.
( laughter )
Okay, Max. You can go now.
There's not enough room on this couch for three.
( laughter )
Alright, let's go. Move it.
( laughter )
Max, would you marry me?
( laughter )
Works every time.
( laughter )
( music )
Niles?
Niles are you awake?
Niles: Yes, sir, I'm just getting my papers ready for my route.
( laughter )
Uh, sorry old man. Look, do we have any of that microwave popcorn?
Niles: Do you see that box right in front of you on the counter
marked 'microwave popcorn'?
( laughter )
Yep.
Niles: Try that.
( laughter )
Alrighty.
You'd better not be such a chatterbox. You won't be able to get back to sleep.
( laughter )
Niles?
- Niles? - What?
( laughter )
Well, uh, you didn't have to come all the way down here. I could have done it myself.
Oh, just give me that.
( laughter )
( sighs )
Is something troubling you, sir?
Oh, Miss Fine. I mean, I... I'm just fine.
( laughter )
Whenever I can't sleep
it's usually because there's something on my mind that's gnawing at me.
Making my guts twist.
Alright, alright, alright. I admit it.
I'm jealous. There. Alright?
It's driving me crazy, her being out with some other man.
I can share these feelings with you because I'm not in love with you.
( laughter )
Well, nobody looks good at two in the morning.
( laughter )
( music )
Por favor, Carmencita, no, no!
( music )
( gunshot )
( in Spanish ) No, ay, Carmencita!
Carmencita shoot papa?
Sí.
( In Spanish ) - Es papa... - Muerte.
( laughter )
Honestly, do the two of you have nothing better to do
than watch this dribble in the middle of the afternoon?
( In Spanish ) Es un problema... muy pesado.
( laughter )
Well, you were out rather late last night, I think.
( laughter )
Well, I had such a wonderful time with Steve.
He made me a delicious dinner and he rented a video:
"The Commitments."
( laughter )
So are you planning on seeing him again?
( Doorbell rings )
Yep.
I'll get it.
Hi. I'm here to see Fran.
You're Steve?
Ho ho ho, Dad.
( laughter )
I don't know. She could still pick you.
( laughter )
- Hi, Fran. - Hi, Steve.
This is Mr. Sheffield. Mr. Sheffield, this is Steve.
You see, I call him Steve, he calls me Fran,
we've known each other two days, that's all I want to say.
( laughter )
Steve, Maxwell Sheffield.
I understand you teach philosophy.
Mm.
The study of objective thought.
Yet I hear you're into astrology: past time of the tooty-fruity.
( laughter )
That's all I want to say.
( laughter )
Ooh, the boy is right, he is smoking.
( laughter )
Hello, Steve. C.C. Babcock.
I understand you're a professor and you're going out with Nanny Fine.
What's the matter, research won't give you a chimp? Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
If you didn't have toilet paper on your shoe
I would be so upset with you right now.
( laughter )
So, tell me, Steve. What do you wanna do tonight?
Uh, Fran, I have to break up with you.
Oh, I was thinking of seeing the Titanic, but apparently I'm already on it.
( laughter )
Uh, the thing is I saw my psychic today.
And she said that I should be in a relationship with a woman older than you.
That is ridiculous. Who's older than you?
( laughter )
Come on, you were born in 1970.
I was? Oh yeah, I was. Give or take a year or six.
( laughter )
Fran, I feel terrible about this, but
my psychic sees me with a woman in her mid-thirties,
having kids, getting married, living in a split-level house in Great Neck.
What if I told you I was 34?
Come on, Fran. I'd never believe that.
You're right. Who am I kidding?
( laughter )
Niles?
( laughter )
Niles? Are you asleep?
Niles: No, I was just going out to the barn to milk Bessie.
( laughter )
Niles, remember last week when I told you
to hide that Miss Louisiana Crunch Cake 'cause Ma was coming over?
- Just sit down. - Agh!
( laughter )
( sighs )
What's wrong?
What kind of an idiot breaks up such a positive relationship
just because some dumb dumb psychic said that he should date an older woman?
Well, you call the Psychic Friends Network.
That is Dionne Warwick. That's an entirely different thing.
God knows what kind of a quack he's talking to.
( laughter )
Why don't you just tell him how old you really are?
Why don't you just take a dip in the Dead Sea with a hemorrhoid?
( laughter )
He wants an older woman.
Well, he should like me for who I am.
But that's not who you are.
Mr. Sheffield accepts that I was born in 1970.
Yes, but he knows you're lying.
( laughter )
Well, that's my point, exactly. He accepts me for the woman I'm really not.
( laughter )
Why am I dating these nutjobs anyway?
Mr. Sheffield and I belong together.
But why are you telling me? Go upstairs and tell him.
Niles, I'm gonna wake him up at 2 o'clock in the morning?
That is so inconsiderate.
( laughter )
I won't do it.
( Doorbell rings )
Fran, the guy who dumped you is back again.
Shhh!
What the heck is he doing here?
I don't want to see him. How's my lipstick?
Alright, let him in.
Hi Fran.
These are for you.
Look who's here.
Well, did the psychic tell you you'd come crawling back carrying your diapers?
'Cause I could've saved you that $50.
Actually, I just thought you might like them.
Phillip left them on my desk.
Oh.
And, Fran,
my psychic was right.
I've met an older woman who I really like.
Well, who cares? I wouldn't date you if you whistle Dixie.
( Whistling )
( laughter )
Don't wait up.
( Whistling )
( laughter )
Miss Fine?
( laughter )
- Yes, Mr. Sheffield? - Did I hear Steve?
Yes, you did. He was here, but I sent him away.
Because I knew that you were so jealous that I was dating him,
and I didn't want fist fighting to break out...
Niles told me everything.
Oh, I'm such a loser.
( laughter )
Now I'm lying about two relationships I don't have.
( laughter )
Oh, Miss Fine. I tell you what, I'll buy you a drink.
Oh, don't forget to bring your ID just in case they want to card you.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
( laughter )
I love you.
- We love you too, Niles. - We love you too, Niles.
( laughter )
Hey Max, up here.
Good boy. Okay, Max, speak, speak!
( Barks )
Good boy! Down, Max.
Down, Max. Good boy.
Kiss me, Max.
( Chuckles )
If only life was this easy.
( laughter )
( applause )