Ah, good afternoon, Miss Fine.
Good afternoon, Mr. Sheffield.
You know, the kids are at school,
Niles is shopping, we could... do it...
( clears throat ) Alright.
Hi, Fran.
( laughter )
( giggles )
Hi, Max.
( laughter )
You look beautiful,
Fran.
Ooh.
Over 40 and you can say it again so quick.
( laughter )
I'm... I'm home.
Oh, eyelash right there, I got it.
Thanks, thanks, yeah.
Good cover there, uh, "Max."
Who told you about the first name thing?
The guy that owns the fruit stand.
How the heck does he know?
I'm making ambrosia tonight.
- Fran, guess what? - What?
My friend Billy invited me to spend term grade with him
and his family in the Middle East.
Ooh.
That is so exciting sweetheart. You know his father is royalty?
Yeah, he's the sultan of Koorestan.
Wow, gee, I wonder if he knows my cousin Barry, the waterbed king?
So can I go, Daddy? Maggie and Brighton are going away.
Oh, sweetheart, as much as I'd like you to go to Koorestan it's very, very far away.
Yeah, honey, we'll have a good time here.
The house'll be empty, it'll just be your father and me
and... you know I don't think Niles has ever been to the Middle East.
No, not Niles, I need him here, I have a mountain of work to do.
I'll tell you what, Miss Fine, why don't you take her?
( Chuckles )
Excuse me, honey.
You know,
I think this little girl will be very disappointed if she doesn't go with Niles.
Grace has never been anywhere with Niles.
This little girl.
( laughter )
Honey, honey, honey, go upstairs, let me talk to your father.
Okay.
Well, I'm obviously being a little too subtle here.
But with all the kids out of the house
we could call each other Fran and Max in every room of the house.
( laughter )
Tempting as that sounds, Fran, this is a very busy time for me.
I have investors to entertain and I'd like to serve them
something other than Gino's pizza rolls.
( laughter )
One brunch and I'm branded for life.
( laughter )
I don't understand why you don't want to spend time with me.
Who said I don't want to spend time with you?
Now, I have to earn a living.
That's right, I have expenses.
You know this year alone, my food bill doubled.
Now, please, let's not bring my mother into this.
( laughter )
Oh, God.
I guess I'm going back to the desert.
But I might not return that quickly.
Our people tend to dilly-dally there.
( laughter )
- Fran, come on. - Miss Fine!
( laughter )
Yoo-hoo.
You and Nanny Fine are having a big old fight
about shipping her off to the middle east.
Who told you that?
The garbage man.
( laughter )
♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪
♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes ♪
♪ What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny ♪
♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪
♪ She was there to sell make up but the father saw more ♪
♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪
♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪
♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪
♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪
♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪
♪ And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre ♪
♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪
♪ The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran ♪
I know, honey, it's just that I keep running this fight
with your father over and over in my mind
and I don't know how I'm gonna be able to have a good time...
Wow, is this place drop dead gorgeous.
( laughter )
This is even more beautiful than the Taj Mahal.
Fran, when were you in India?
Trump opened another one in India?
( laughter )
Now, this would be your room,
and Miss Grace's room is connected through that door.
Wow, you guys really went all out at the Bombay Company.
( laughter )
Now, his Majesty, the Sultan, is expecting you for dinner.
- Okay. - And he requests that
you both wear traditional garb which you'll find in your closets.
Oh, boy.
Gee, do you have anything that breathes a little bit?
Because I know that it's a dry heat, but at 117 degrees,
anyway you look at it, it's a schvitz.
( Arabic music )
Gracie, if I died tomorrow,
Toi, toi, toi!
( laughter )
I can honestly say I was treated like royalty.
We napped in satin sheets, we bathed in lilac-scented water,
and even in Arabic,
"Alf" transcends the language barrier.
( laughter )
Gracie, I'm so happy to see you!
- Hi, Billy! - Smile!
Fran, this is my friend Billy.
Oh, hi, my compliments on your beautiful home.
Who designed it?
It was built during the first dynasty by the Sultan Ali.
Oh, well, do you have his card?
Because my aunt Ciel was thinking of adding an island to her kitchen.
Billy, you said you had a camel. Can we go see it?
Sure. But while you're here, it's customary to address me as Prince Muhammad.
But, Prince Muhammad, your nickname at school is "goober".
( laughter )
Guard: His Royal Highness,
the Sultan!
King Hassan ( long Arabic name )
( applause )
It is a pleasure finally to meet my son's American guests,
Miss Sheffield, Miss Fine.
- Hi. - Welcome.
You know, you look exactly like
you do on the back of the Koorestan shekel.
Yeah,
sometimes I like to make a bet with someone
so I can flip it in the air and shout "tales or me."
( laughter )
Tales or me.
Good one.
Can I take a picture of us? I have it all set for self-timer.
Come on, everybody, smoosh together.
Cheese.
I'll make copies for everybody, it'll be a very nice memento.
Ooh.
Master Brighton, just because your vacation plans fell through,
you don't have to sit around like a zombie.
This is the most exciting city in the world. Go out!
There are parks, museums, concerts!
Uh, yeah, can you move? I can't see Yasmine Bleeth's butt.
( laughter )
Hello? I was watching that.
Well, now you're watching this.
You watching "Clueless?" Wouldn't that be a little bit redundant?
( laughter )
Well, at least I'm not watching the "women I'll
never get within a hundred miles of" channel.
You know what? Shut up! I'm so sick of this...
Alright, that's it!
Everybody up and out or I will tell your father that you...
that you...
God, you kids are dull.
( laughter )
Just go out and get something pierced.
( laughter )
What's gotten into him?
Oh, honestly, Niles, am I the only one who does any work around here?
( laughter )
I'm going to let that pass.
I know that you're angry because you had a fight with Miss Fine.
And she has to understand that I cannot just
drop everything to spend time with her.
Right, she has to understand that men are the providers,
the warriors, the hunters.
Oh, I am killing myself, I didn't get tulips.
( laughter )
Oh, why can't a woman be more like a man?
Mm.
( laughter )
Well, there's your prototype.
( laughter )
Oh, your Highness, this has been an incredible five days.
Thank you so much for inviting me to this party.
Oh.
You know, Fran, I did not even think I would have a chance to dance with you.
When Hosni Mubarak gets a few drinks in him, he becomes quite the chatterbox.
( laughs )
Oh, thank you.
Gee, you know, I love your pin, it's so gorgeous.
Then it is yours,
Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
Ah, but you must.
It is customary in our country when a guest admires a possession,
then she must have it.
Oh, did I say pin?
I meant palace.
( laughs )
Now, you know, it's very beautiful, but it's really more my mother.
Then I think I should love your mother.
Uh-oh, now she's yours.
( laughter )
( laughs )
Mm. I'll be honest with you, Your Highness,
I really didn't want to come here at first, but I'm having a wonderful time.
Are you not homesick?
I was a little homesick, but then I went downtown and I found a Golden Arches.
( laughter )
I'll tell you, they make a mint selling that McShwarma back in the States.
( laughter )
Thank you.
- Oh, Fran. - Yes.
I have enjoyed your company immensely.
And my son, he adores you.
Oh, he is such a sweet boy.
I'll tell you, everybody has been so nice. I'm gonna miss this place.
( Clink )
Then why don't you stay?
Well, you know I, uh, I would, but
I'm on a restricted ticket, and that would mean another 72.50 if I...
No, no, no, Fran, I mean why don't you stay and live with us here
in the palace forever?
Oh, forever? Oh, um, oh, your Highness, um,
well, that would mean that I wouldn't be home in time
for the last episode of "Seinfeld."
( laughter )
( phone rings )
Sylvia: Oh, I'll get it.
Hello, Sheffield residence.
Ma, I gotta talk to you.
How did you know I was here.
I got calls from Brighton, Maggie and Niles and Roger Clinton next door,
he said his pizza was never delivered.
He should thank me. Chunky runs in that family.
( laughter )
Ma, I gotta tell you something you're not gonna
believe, I just got a marriage proposal.
What?
You live with a gorgeous millionaire who is this close to a son to me.
Who is this yutz?
The king of this country.
Is he tall?
Ma!
6'1"-ish.
The point is I'm in love with Mr. Sheffield.
Has he mentioned me? Does he miss me?
I have not seen him all week.
If didn't know better I would think it was intentional.
( laughter )
( knocking door )
Oh, ma, I gotta go. I think that's my lady in waiting bringing me my Diet Pepsi. Bye.
( Kissing sound )
Coming!
Oh, your Highness.
What are you doing here?
I sent a message for you to meet me on the veranda.
Oh, you meant my veranda.
Cos, you know, there's like 200 verandas sticking out of this place,
you're gonna have to be more specific.
If this is awkward for you, I can leave.
Oh, no, you might as well stay,
I mean, you walked the two miles down the corridor to get here. Come in.
I have come for my answer.
Will you stay?
You know, I am really very flattered, but
we hardly know each other.
Ah, but I know
you're beautiful,
intelligent,
charming.
And I know you're a king.
Alright, we bonded.
( laughter )
The thing is, um, I'm really sort of involved with Mr. Sheffield.
I mean, Maxwell.
We are on a first name basis, you know.
It's just we don't say it in front of other people is the thing,
but we've only been together for five years, we don't want to rush these things.
Did that sound as pathetic to you as it did to me?
( laughter )
Ah, the Englishman.
What can this man possibly offer you that I cannot?
You know,
you're offering me everything that I have ever dreamed of.
But I can't stay. I must say no.
I should warn you, I do not give up easily.
I am a man who does like the answer, "No."
Well, I'm sure I can't be the first girl to ever say no to you, I mean,
what are you going to do, chop my head off? Heheh.
Kidding!
What's that?
It's my present for Mr. Sheffield.
Next week is his birthday.
Why didn't you remind me? You're just trying to make me look bad.
No, that would be gilding the lily.
Niles, hasn't Miss Fine even bothered to call to check up on the children?
I believe they're alright, sir.
Well, then, I guess it's time to get back to work.
Maxwell, I finished all the work so we'd have some free time.
Isn't she a good girl?
But I can also be bad.
( laughter )
No, sir. No postcards from Miss Fine either.
Oh, Niles, what have I done?
What was she asking for after all? Just to spend a little more time with me?
I guess I'll just admit I was wrong and ask for forgiveness.
No, that would be worst thing you could do, it's weak.
You want to get to her? Make believe you're with another woman.
Ah,
no, C.C., I'm going to go upstairs and call her right now.
Wait, wait, I have a surprise for you.
Happy birthday!
I know, it's a week early but I thought,
you know, you could use it now.
Oh, an airline ticket to Koorestan.
( laughter )
C.C., you are a hopeless romantic!
Niles, pack my bags!
( laughter )
I guess you're not the only one who can be bad.
( laughter )
But, Fran, I don't wanna go home, I'm having a blast.
Besides, Billy and I are even going for a camel ride later.
Honey, I got an aunt Gert at home with a hump.
( laughter )
You can ride her up and down Queen's Boulevard all you want once we get home.
Go to the armoire, get out my clothes.
Where are the tickets and the passports?
Fran, all your clothes are gone.
All of them?
Something's not kosher here.
Honey, nothing's kosher here.
( laughter )
Alright, listen. You know what?
You stay put, I'm gonna go talk to the Sultan,
and find out what's going on. I'll be right back.
Oh, oh, oh.
( laughter )
Honey.
I guess he really wouldn't take no for an answer.
Boy, I don't wanna scare you, sweetie, but
I think we're being held hostage here.
Oh, my God, this is like that movie, "Not Without My Daughter,"
which personally I think was a poor choice to show on the plane over here.
Well, that guard might be good at holding an AK-47
but he sure ain't good at holding his Snapple.
Fran, do you really think this is gonna work?
Sure, sure, honey, we'll just be casual.
We look like belly dancers, we'll waltz our way out of here. Follow me.
( Clapping )
( music )
( clapping )
( laughter )
Miss Fine, what are you doing?
Uh, staying alive?
( laughter )
( clapping )
Oh, well, actually, you know, King,
we were looking for you, because we were gonna go into town,
maybe have a little lunch, go visit the American embassy.
Would you be up for something like that?
Oh, Miss Fine, there you are.
- Daddy, Daddy! - Finally, I...
What are you doing here, how did you get in the palace?
I just knocked on the palace door
and before I knew it everyone's bowing and scraping and kissing my ring.
I have to say this is the friendliest bloody country in the world.
Well, it's a little too friendly if you ask me.
Hello, Maxwell Sheffield.
His Majesty,
( long Arabic name )
( laughter )
Hassan.
Oh, oh, oh. Your majesty.
This is the man you say I remind you of?
Really?
- I don't see it. - I don't see it.
This man was holding us hostage here.
What do you mean hostage?
Oh, come now.
I reject you and suddenly I can't find my tickets or my passport?
I had them locked up in the palace safe.
They're worth a great deal of money on the black market.
Uh-uh-uh. And why was there a guard outside of our door?
There were some terrorist threats. I wanted to ensure your safety.
Alright, Mr. Know-it-all, how do they get the nougat inside a Three Musketeer's Bar?
( laughter )
Actually, it's a three-tiered process, first
they turn the nougat into strips and then...
Okay. okay. I'm telling you, Mr. Sheffield,
this man was forcing me to stay here to be his wife. Go on, tell him, tell him.
Wife?
Huh. I wanted you here as my nanny.
( laughter )
Oh, please. Well, well, what was all that talk about me staying here forever, huh?
I have four wives.
Goober is not the end of the line.
Believe me, I have no romantic interest in you whatsoever.
You are free to leave at any time.
Now would be good.
( Clapping )
Well, I'd better go say goodbye to Billy
while I'm still in this outfit.
( laughter )
Mr. Sheffield I know that I'm not crazy. That king was coming on to me.
Well, of course he was, Miss Fine,
of course he was. Anybody could see he was smitten with you.
Wasn't he?
Of course he was, he's a man.
Unfortunately, some men are just not very good at expressing their feelings.
( laughter )
And I could see right through that Sultan.
Oh, yes, you'd start as his nanny, alright.
You'd start working for him for a few years
and eventually be on a first name basis and then...
( laughter )
One day he'd come to realize you were more important to him than his work,
then, ah...
then he'd tell you he loves you.
And when does that happen?
Right now.
I love you.
What?
Fran,
I love you.
( Cheering )
( applause )
( beep )
Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, thank you for flying Koorestan Air.
We know you have a choice when you fly.
So, will the woman in 3B who spent the last 17 hours
bellowing that her boss finally told her he loved her,
please next time choose Qantas.
( laughter )
( applause )