Yo, Marcus, it's Dirty.
How 'bout you open the door, I'll fuck you up,
and then I'll fuck off?
2K Marcus owes you plus ten. That's five for you, Dirty.
Hey, the truck will be delivered tomorrow.
Just bought Coach Healey a truck.
Cam, some in the media are calling you a "P" word that rhymes with wussy.
- How do you respond? - I'm a good person who has value.
You mind if I get rid of this lawn decoration
that the previous owners left behind?
Uh-uh, that might be worth some money.
- Oh... - Oh!
You gotta do two things.
One... drastically limit what annoys you.
And two... stop saying things like "I'm a grown-ass man."
All it does is tell people you're not.
Welcome back to "Dennis and Callahan."
We are thrilled to have a special guest live in the studio today.
He's an old friend, he's Boston-born, he's Boston-bred.
Cam Calloway back in the Hub
for his first big game against the old town team.
John, Gerry, get to be in Boston.
Cam Calloway... good kid, local kid.
The pride of Saint McGuire's in Dorchester.
- You must hate Atlanta. - I love Atlanta, Gerry.
Sure, when they signed you to that contract.
But the team's 4-11, you got beat up by your sister,
- and then you lied about it. - Jeez, Gerry, I would've lied, too.
- She can fucking punch. - You can bleep that, right?
And then he made these appalling PSAs
where a lot of people thought he was mocking domestic violence.
Is there any evidence that domestic abusers
watch a TV commercial and say,
"You know, I was gonna coldcock my loved one in the face,
but then I saw Cam Calloway cry, so maybe I won't."
Each conversation yields education.
How do you not throw your back out slanging that BS?
I stretch, do a lot of core work.
Back to Atlanta.
This is a city that went and found
the biggest mountain in the entire state of Georgia, Stone Mountain,
and decided it was a good idea to carve
a bunch of Confederate general's heads on the side of that mountain.
I don't know, Cam, to me that sounds like a racist Mount Rushmore.
More like a Mount Racemore.
Guys, this thing was carved in like the 1980s.
It wasn't like it was made last week.
I mean, plus, they got some pretty dope hiking trails up there.
But Atlanta's been booing you, Cam.
They were expecting a Steph Curry-Kyrie Irving combination.
And so far, they've gotten neither.
Well, this is a long season.
You know, narratives have their chapters.
I let my team down by missing six games,
but, you know, I'm back, and I'm ready to bear down and ball.
It's seems to me you've had one good...
Well, I'll even grant you great playoff run.
Doesn't that make you Jeremy freakin' Lin?
A capable player but much more hype than hoop?
Uh... when you take the big money
and you play badly, you get heat.
You know, that's the way the cookie crumbles.
But that doubt drives me.
I am going to get the whole cookie tonight.
I'm gonna be the Cookie Monster.
I'm going to Quincy Market to get a big bucket full of cookies
- from Boston Chipyard. - Boston's own Cam Calloway,
ready to down some cookies and the home team.
Cam, we wish you well, but not tonight.
- Thank you, Gerry. - Good to see you, Cam.
- You, too, John. - Up next on "Dennis and Callahan,"
more bodies found near Aaron Hernandez home.
Is he responsible?
We'll discuss after brief word from Dunkin' Donuts.
Good morning, baby boy.
Missy's taking us on a field trip so we can learn more about Georgia.
- Hi, Cam. - Hey, Missy.
Come on, Mary Charles, let's go!
- Hey, look, Ma, I found another one! - Oh, Lord, she done found
- another one of them damn disc jockeys. - Lawn jockey, Ma.
You know what the fuck I'm talking 'bout.
It's like an Easter egg hunt for bigots.
Here goes, baby, listen to this.
- And another one. - Ma, are you there?
- Felt good, didn't it? - Yeah.
Ma, I left my lucky shorts at home.
Lucky shorts?
He likes to wear his high school game shorts
underneath his grown-ass man game shorts.
He thinks it gives him special powers or some shit.
- Ma! My shorts! - All right!
Mommy already overnighted 'em to you, baby.
So they're gonna be in Boston before the game?
What the fuck you think "overnight" means?
- Thank you, Ma. Yo... - Wait, Cam, before you go,
make sure you and Reggie pay it forward.
I need y'all to drop off those eight rotisserie chickens
to Mabel Oliver, you know, her husband got laid off.
- Yo, eight chickens. - They'll take the food,
- but they're not gonna take the money... - Good-bye, Cam.
Ma, eight chickens?
Come on, how many can two people eat before they spoil?
Have you ever heard of a fucking freezer?
Yeah, it's where I'm gonna keep your body after I chop you up.
Girl, I will smother you in your sleep tonight.
Okay, okay, just to be clear, you two are actually getting along right now?
- Yeah. - All right.
We gotta get you back for a shave and a trim at Norm's.
Look, it's Norm, it'll mean a lot.
Nah, I got a cold last time I got a cut from there, man.
That place got a bad vibe for me now.
Know what? You gotta get back in bed, get out on a different side.
See, my room is facing the Charles River.
You got to change that, 'cause last time,
I had a room facing away from the river, shot the lights out.
Cam, room have fuck all to do with it.
You don't know what things got to do with other things.
How they may or may not be connected.
But that doesn't mean we ignore the potentials those things can have
on other things and how they influence the outcome of other things.
It's a hotel room, huh?
What is the possible connection
between the direction your room faces and how you play?
- God. - Oh, we're back on God, okay.
- You think God cares where you sleep? - I don't care, man, I do.
- Pack up your shit, man, I'll fix it. - Thank you.
- Hey, yo, fuckies. - Oh, Dirty Paul.
- What's good? - Yeah, my dick and my gat.
- Oh. - Please keep 'em both in your pants.
- Hey, we still good on the floor seats? - Yeah, yeah, they're at will-call.
- 7:00 p.m. Tonight. - Think I get 'em early so I can scalp?
You know I got kids to feed and whatnot.
Dude, they're floor seat tickets.
We... we get you floor seat tickets, you gonna scalp 'em?
- They're worth more money. - If you need money, I can get you.
Who in life don't need money? Look, man, I ain't here for no handout.
These fat-cat owners, they give y'all comp tickets,
- I sell 'em, trickle-down economics. - That's not really how it works, Dirty.
Okay, well, when you write a book and shit,
I'll read it and get my facts straight.
Till then, if I go to a game, I only get a game.
A game I can watch on TV.
If I sell the tickets, I can get a better TV.
- What about feeding the kids? - I'm feeding their mind with the TV.
We watch all that Animal Planet shit, man.
You know there's a ton of different turtles in the Galapagos Islands?
- My kids do. - Come to the game, all right?
Bring your sons, consider it a night out. Here.
- Uh, I got three now. - Oh, congratulations.
Only like two of 'em.
The middle one a spoiled little shit.
Hey, real talk, Cam, Reg... thank you.
I've been getting my shit together since things went down with Marcus.
- You a inspiration, man. - That's what's up.
- All right, all right. - Yeah.
- My man. Dirty Paul. - Yeah.
- Yo, you want to fuck my sister tonight? - Uh, I'm good.
- No offense to you or your sister. - Oh, nah, none taken.
She got a thing for you, told me to let you know.
I ain't pimping.
I'm just glad he didn't pull a gun on us.
- New room now, please. - New room.
All right, all right, I'm working on it.
- Thank you, man. - I've got you. I've got you.
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All right, pack up, Prince Harry. I got you a new room.
Call Michael Schlow. I need a burger from Tico, medium-well.
What is with you?
You need a room away from the river, lucky shorts, Tico burger.
Last time I was in town, I had a Tico burger,
and I dropped 38 points on those guys.
Cam, you were so hot, you could have dropped 38 points on a 20-foot hoop.
Got fuck all to do with a Michael Schlow Tico burger.
Now, I will give you the high school shorts thing,
it's a Jordan homage, but you're going overboard.
Next thing, you'll be making me hunt down Connie Hunter
because she blew you when you beat Natick.
I already Facebooked her... didn't get no response.
- Take me to Coach Healey. - Do you let Coach Healey blow you?
No, but he drove 300 miles to Syracuse
to watch me play in UNH's first ever tourney game.
I killed it!
Cam, you more than proved your worth at games Coach Healey wasn't there.
Man, I've never slumped like this before, ever.
I need Coach courtside.
You will shoot your way out of this like all the greats, but fine.
We will leave your high school basketball coach a ticket.
Now, I gotta auction off a testicle to pay for all these tickets.
It's all good, though, my lone testicle will just log double-time.
Let's hand-deliver it. The ticket, not your spare nut.
Cam, we ain't got time to play Pony Express.
You got a Boys Club appearance, you got your walk-through.
Priorities, Reg! Coach is "A" number one.
Hey, is this about what Dennis and Callahan said?
Fuck Dennis and Callahan. Fuck Felger and Mazz, too, man.
- Fuck everybody in Boston. - Be grateful that we moved away
and now we only gotta be here twice a year.
Oh, I'm grateful. I'm very grateful.
I know people that live out here got Lyme disease.
Don't even say that.
I thought we were going to the botanical garden.
Uh, we are. These grounds are massive.
The plantation tour is just one part.
Is this a musical?
Come on in, Julie, it's open.
- Yo, Coach! - Coach Healey...
What? Vaughn, Calloway, as I live and breathe.
I thought you were my niece bringing me lunch.
To what do I owe this pleasure?
I'm back in town, got a game tonight.
Just taking the time to see one of our favorite people.
Oh, I thought it was good when that new truck appeared out of the blue.
This is even better. Can I get you something?
Water? A Diet Coke?
- I'm good. - Yeah, no, I'm fine. Thank you.
- Well, sit down. - All right.
I know you guys are probably running around,
but it's been a couple of years since we laid eyes on each other.
- Yeah. - You both look great!
Thank you, Coach. Man, feeling good.
How's the, uh, how's the team looking this year, Coach?
Ah, no longer coaching high school basketball.
Moved on to the next chapter.
It's time I focus on the things I've been neglecting, you know?
Like being home, work on myself for once.
How's Mrs. H, man? We'd love to say hey.
Ah, she left me a couple of months ago.
Cammy boy, hey, you're putting some muscle on.
Look at you, you're like a superhero.
Yeah, I've been Captain Bricks lately.
You just remember that gorgeous follow-through of yours.
Shoulders square, wrist loose,
real smooth like this.
You do that tonight, Boston doesn't stand a chance against you.
And I'll be watching as I always do.
Got the cable full season league package.
Tonight, Coach, you're gonna watch courtside.
Oh, Cam, that's so sweet of you, really.
But I can't, I got plans.
- Change 'em, man, I need you there. - Maybe next time.
I know you guys got places to be, so I'm gonna let you go,
but I really appreciate the gesture.
Love to have you at this game, Coach.
Well, give me notice next time and I'll clear my calendar,
but tonight no can do.
Hey, I'm so happy you fellas stopped by. You know I love you guys.
- Hey, it's our pleasure, Coach. - All right, take care.
- Let's go. - And, Cam, I'm proud of you.
Keep the faith.
Later, Coach. Yup.
- All right. - Okay.
Damn...
Ooh...
This truck hasn't moved since we had it delivered.
Yo, that means he's been like that for five months.
Yeah, you don't swell like that in five months, man.
That's gotta be five years of just eating like shit and saying fuck it.
I sent him a ticket last year when I was on Memphis, he didn't come then.
And now we know why. Listen, there's nothing that we can do right now.
- Let's go, Cam. - I feel horrible, man.
You know what? Say a prayer. God's got it.
- What plans could Coach possibly have? - My guess... dinner plans.
Hey, hey, come on. Don't do that. That's not cool.
All right, this is Coach we talking about, a man in need.
Coach is not a man who's deprived himself of anything lately.
He helped make me who I am, Reg.
Cam, we got 36 more hours before we gotta leave town.
We cannot help what is wrong with Coach, okay?
Now, look, has he gotten big? Yes. Hell, he's enormous.
But it's not like it was some freak accident.
Not like he tripped and then he fell into a giant milk shake.
I mean, that, what you saw right there, man, that's deliberate action.
Aided and abetted by some niece named Julie.
Now we got shit to do and that shit is not on our to-do list today.
That's not shit. That's Coach.
Out of work, divorced.
We're all a couple of tough breaks away from being in the exact same place.
There isn't enough space to be in the same place as Coach.
- Stop... stop with the jokes, Reg. - Okay.
Let's get him to the game, man. Lift his spirits.
Got a forklift for his spirits?
I'm sorry, Cam, but he doesn't want to go.
He doesn't think he can go. I'm not gonna turn my back on Coach.
- He would never turn his back on me. - He can't turn his back on you
or anyone else because he physically can't turn his back.
And that's not your fault.
That's the fault of some niece named Julie
and whoever else kept feeding him until he couldn't stand up anymore.
You didn't dig that ditch, you didn't make him fat,
and you did not make him fatter.
I can still help him out. I can get him out of that ditch.
He's the only one that I want there, man, fuck everybody else in this town.
Get him to the game.
I'd have to remove a wall to do that, Cam.
Do what you gotta do, but get him to the game.
Fucking sugar and carbs. God!
So do you think real slaves sang like that?
Because those fake slaves were getting down.
- I mean, they sounded like K-Ci & JoJo. - Who cares, Ma?
- This place is racist. - What, planet Earth?
- Come on, grow up. - History wasn't pretty.
But if bad history isn't shared, bad history will repeat itself.
Bad history does not need to be reenacted.
I don't see no fake Jews at Auschwitz singing "We love taking showers."
Well, I think that having actors portray slaves,
living, breathing people in front of us, reminds us that slavery was real.
- Who needs reminding? - That one slave had capped teeth.
Took me right out of it.
Good afternoon, fine people.
My name is Hazel-Fay Watney,
wife to Timothy Watney,
and welcome to our working plantation.
Are there any questions before the tour begins? Yes?
Yes, how many times a day do you think what a horrible person you are?
Oh, we are a Christian family.
I attend church every Sunday,
we read the Bible, and repent when we sin.
You must be repenting all day.
The architecture is interesting.
Can you speak about house design?
Oh, yes, we built this house in 1841.
By "we," you mean a bunch of human beings at the end of your whip.
Oh, pure, hardworking, wonderful people
assisted in the building of this plantation,
and we are very grateful for their tireless work.
And, well, we certainly couldn't have done it without them.
Can you list their birthdays or do you celebrate their auction dates?
They celebrate their lives every day through camaraderie and song.
You do realize this whole owning slave thing doesn't end well for you, yes?
Summers are notoriously hot on the plantation,
and the only thing sought after more than our precious tobacco
is a nice cool glass of iced tea.
Now, then, I would love to invite you into our kitchen
to show you how the meals were prepared.
Are there any other questions?
- No? Okay. - Hey, excuse me. I'm raising my hand.
Can you not see it? I've got the light-skinned side toward you.
Listen, would you please let Tinker Bell do the tour, okay?
- I'm trying to take pictures. - Nah, Ma.
I'm gonna go jump in an Uber and let some old white man
reverse "Driving Miss M-Chuck" me home.
Come on, Mary Charles. Mary Charles!
Uber doesn't even come out on plantations.
Cam, I am at the front door. It's the address that you gave me.
Look, I'll knock one more time and then I gotta go. Bye.
Hey. Hey, Mabel, listen.
I'm not trying to break in, I just want to leave you some chickens.
I will pay to take out a door, a wall, hell, the whole roof.
I just gotta get this really fat guy out.
Hey, hey.
I don't mean to bother you, but what you got going on later on today?
Cam, I'm at the arena. I'm waiting on the guy in charge here.
I'm trying to get Coach situated, okay?
You must be the guy looking to talk to me.
- I gotta go, I gotta go. Yeah. - I'm Joe Connelly, I'm in charge.
What's this shit-show you're trying to put this arena through
- as a favor to you? - My cousin Cam plays for Atlanta.
- I don't give a fuck. - No, I'm just trying to explain.
Details that help will help. Details that don't won't.
And for your information, this is not Atlanta, it's Boston.
I know. And, yeah, and my cousin is from Boston.
- Where exactly? - Dorchester.
Dorchester's Dorchester and Boston's Boston.
It's got two different names. You know why?
'Cause it's two different places.
Fucking Magellan over here thinks Dorchester's Boston proper.
Dorchester is Boston's biggest neighborhood.
What, are you Boston. Gov?
For your information, when people from Dorchester are asked where they're from,
they say Dorchester.
They don't start with Boston and then say Dorchester.
Well, I'm from the Dorchester part of Boston, okay?
And I just need a little help getting a very large man here for tonight's game.
How very large?
Like those two fat twins on the mini bikes in the Guinness Book of Records?
Or that fat fucking lard-ass they buried in a piano coffin?
- More like the piano one. - I'm in charge of this arena,
not the liposuction unit at the Mass General Hospital
where it sounds like your Coach Piano Case needs to be.
Okay, look, I know this, uh, this request
is a little larger than your average pain in the ass,
so I asked around and I found out what you like to drink.
Who'd you ask, one of my enemies from Belfast?
Belfast? I... Look, man, I...
- That's a 21-year-old bottle. - Yeah, Bushmills.
You know, you got balls as big as church bells
coming in here trying to bribe me with Proddy whiskey.
Is that not Irish whiskey?
That's alcohol made in Northern Ireland.
The label says "Irish whiskey."
Yeah, because if it said "Northern Irish whiskey," no one would buy it.
I thought Irish whiskey was Irish whiskey.
- You think like most racists. - D...
You think Northern Ireland is the same as regular Ireland.
And you think that Irish people only speak English
as opposed to their own fucking language that was stolen from them.
And you don't know that a part of Ireland
is an occupied country separated from its true self,
and that drinking that Protestant whiskey
is one of the most self-hating things an Irishman can do.
I'm Catholic. I drink Jameson.
I didn't think any of these things
because I have no idea what any of them mean, no offense.
- Who are you again? - I'm C... I'm Cam Calloway's cousin.
I still don't give a fuck.
You know, he repped this area when he took Saint McGuire to state's.
I went to Holy Name and we hate you St. McGuire cunts.
Bunch of cunty, conceited pricks
who we used to kick the fucking shit out of in hockey.
And I happened to be the captain of the 1983 Division III championship team.
Well, congratulations. Listen, I just need a comfortable place
for his old coach to sit and watch the game.
I got an idea. How about at home in his bed?
And maybe the bed next to that one and the bed next to that one?
- Are there any handicapped seats? - Yeah, for handicapped people.
Those who God or misfortune fucked up.
Not for those who Fluffernuttered themself into oblivion.
I know that you can do this.
So... so please, you-you tell me what you want from me
because I desperately need to get this done.
Finally a five-letter word we can understand... please.
There's six letters in "please." I just...
- You busting my balls? - I'm not... I'm just...
I fucking love it. Come on, Dorchester.
Come on, we'll help you out.
Hey, fuckballs, this is Joe.
Listen, I want Johnny, Tommy, Mark, Brendan, Kevin, Connor,
uh, Tommy B, Liam, and Tom Welch in my office right now.
Oh, yeah, and bring Jamal. He's one of your guys.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Shuck and Mr. Jive.
I'm just wondering when you two bumped your fucking heads
and decided to lose your sense of black pride.
How did these fucking crackers get you two to do this minstrel show?
- I'm trying to pay off my truck. - I got four kids.
You're gonna be a great role model for them, I want you to know that.
Hey, dudes, break's over.
- Chantell needs you back at the livery. - Yeah, back to it.
You should be real proud of yourselves.
And you, taking a break from spreading hate?
I get you're offended, okay? It is what it is.
- No, what it isn't is cool. - You know what? I'm an actor, okay?
My agent got me this gig. Somebody's gotta play the villain.
Do you hate the guy who played Darth Vader?
Hey, that guy is James Earl Jones.
He is a national treasure.
And that movie is "Star Wars."
It's-it's fiction. It's for kids.
This thing here, it's like you're...
it's like you're making slavery into Disneyland.
Look, you know what? I'm not crazy about this gig, okay?
But I'm trying.
Why would you take this gig if you're not crazy about it?
I've got student loans I gotta pay off.
I was up in New York trying to be an actor.
My dad shoots himself in the face.
I gotta come back here, take care of him.
He says he was just cleaning his gun. I don't believe him.
Now half of his jaw is missing.
Fuck. Sorry.
What are you listening to?
Indigo Girls.
Which album?
You're gonna rip apart my house
and tow me eight miles to go to a basketball game?
5.3 up 93 North.
Coach, I can't tell you how much your support meant to me.
Forklifts, cranes, pulleys, tarps, flatbed trucks...
are you out of your mind?
- A stunt like that could kill me. - I'm trying to help you, Coach.
You want to help me?
Well, get some bridge cable and build me a zip line to the shitter.
Coach, I understand that life has knocked you down,
but you... you don't gotta stay there.
You'll see how much you inspire me, man,
and it'll all come back... how great of a person you are.
Cam, bring it in.
Excuse me.
I was your high school basketball coach.
And honestly, a mediocre one at best.
I didn't do anything for you that any other coach wouldn't have done.
You started me my sophomore year.
Because you were quicker, stronger, and better than anyone else on the team.
That's not called being a great coach. That's called not being a fucking idiot.
Coach, you gotta change up your life, man.
And change is not coming in this bed.
I need you.
I've never slumped like this before, ever, on any level.
You're my good luck charm.
Cam, this fixating on me being a solution to all your woes
means one thing... you're depressed.
You gotta look into it. You gotta check it out for yourself.
I'm good. I got all I need.
You're here, man. You're alone, immobile.
I'm not alone.
I got a niece that comes by to visit, brings me food, helps me out.
I got great DSL service, you know, Netflix, watch a ton of documentaries.
I got great social network friends.
I'm taking online courses from the University of Phoenix.
I got my Sudoku. I got word search.
I'm blessed.
Maybe I was born to be this way.
Are you just gonna stand there and be useless?
You got any idea what I've been through in the last six hours for you?
- This is what matters. Help me. - You want me to help you?
- Yeah! - Okay, how about
I put a gun to his head, I drag him out of bed,
and I'll roll him to the game myself just so he can be your good luck Buddha.
This ain't about Coach.
This is about you needing to not fold under the pressure
because this pressure is the job.
So nut up and deal with it 'cause it ain't going anywhere anytime soon.
Excuse me, Reggie.
Would you do me a favor and pass me my cistern?
- Your what? - My piss jug.
I'm gonna need a minute.
But I'm also gonna need a hand.
How much underwear is under here?
A lot.
- It better be worth it. - It is.
Gerry, Cam Calloway struggled big time last night.
4 of 20 from the floor, a measly 10 points.
Boston handily beats Atlanta at home.
- Should have had more cookies. - Maybe a lot more cookies.
- This kid's in a slump. - He's been in a slump for a long time.
I'm almost starting to feel sorry for him.
He's thinking too much, it's all in his head.
Yo.
Yo, how does Mom not know what overnight is?
She two-dayed these fucking things, man.
If I would have had them for the game...
Hey, you know what, maybe my mind is playing tricks on me,
but a few weeks ago, I thought I heard you say that you were a grown-ass man.
- Yeah? - Aw, man.
And then a few months before that, all you talked about
was how you wanted to carry a team on your shoulders.
You're acting like a child, Cam.
Can't even carry yourself. Now, listen, I'll keep doing it.
All your weak-minded, piddly-ass,
peccadillo, superstitious bullshit, I will.
But what saddens me the most is that you keep asking me to do it.
Because it means that you ain't growing.
And all this... all this drama that you create, man,
you don't even realize, but it is beneath you.
So who you gonna be, Cam?
'Cause you're better than this.
Fine.
- Get rid of 'em. - Will do.
Yo, Coach needs surgery. Set it up.
Do you know how much lipo has to be suctioned out of that man?
- I mean, that's just a lot of lipo. - Man, I don't care about that.
Fucking Boston.
Remember, kids, this is living history,
so the people you see are reenacting what life would have been like
before the Civil War.
Ahem!
Oh. Good mornin'.
Welcome to the Watney Plantation.
- Uh, this is my... - Friend.
- Mary Charles. - And, uh, we were just...
We were having a sleepover, kids.
It's kinda hot.
- Okay, let's go. - Are they lesbians?
You'll learn about that in the eighth grade.
Okay.
Go.
- I'm so fired. - Good.
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