♪ They say time will wait for no man
♪ They say time is on my side
♪ I can never make my mind up
♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by
♪ From the cradle to the grave
♪ From the cradle
♪ To the grave ♪ I know I won't be a slave
♪ I know I won't
♪ Be a slave ♪ To the mistakes that I've made
♪ From the cradle ♪ I won't go
♪ Till I'm ready
♪ From the cradle to the grave
It was Danny's fault. He said, "Get the ladder."
I never said, "Put it against the bank."
And I never chucked Coxy's wallet through the window.
- (Laughter) - Old Coxy had to climb in and get it.
He was so happy when he found it.
But you can't miss an opportunity like that. It had to be done.
Later!
(Sirens blare)
- So what happened? - He had to wait for the police.
They accepted it was a prank gone wrong.
But Coxy, he had to pay a fine of £50.
- 50 quid! - I had to pay for it! Skinted me.
- It was funny, though. - (Laughter)
But you've got to be careful having a laugh.
I remember when we thought it'd be funny to knock Harry Sarti's hat off.
Harry was as bald as a coot and he wouldn't take his hat off for love nor money.
Upended a vicar who tried to make him take it off at his mum's funeral.
It was a challenge.
Me and my brother Alfie - this was before he left the docks, mind -
measured Harry up when he was having a kip.
But he'd taken his boots off, see.
And that was the problem - we forgot to allow another inch and a half for his soles.
The big day came and...
- Aargh! - Whoa!
Harry?
Shit! Harry, are you all right?
Quick! Lower the hook! Lower the hook!
You hit your mate in the head with a crane hook?
That's not what we intended - it was supposed to knock his hat off.
- Quick, come on! Get the line down to him. - Get on it, Harry!
Get on it! On it!
That it! That's right, lift him up. Get it up, come on, come on.
- Me hat! Me hat! - Leave your hat!
Leave it! Ohh!
Fucking hell! We'll get you another one.
We all know, everybody knows, you're bald as a door knob.
So, the point is, Harry shouldn't have been so vain?
- Or you should have been more careful? - Neither.
The point is, soon after that happened, Harry Sarti stopped wearing his hat.
He got rid of that comb-over. He got a lot more confident about himself.
And two years later, as a result, he ran off with that crane driver's missus.
So, you see, these things you do, they can accelerate, can't they?
I need to get some scratch together, I'm supposed to be taking that Debbie out tonight.
- Are you still collecting records? - Yeah.
DANNY: Steve was the youngest of a local family of villains - the Churchers.
Oh, blimey, Steve, I thought I had some old shit.
There must be something you want to buy?
Oh, yeah, you would have this one -
his poxy first album, you can get anywhere for 30 pence.
♪ There's a rubber band that plays tunes out of tune
But as Dad said, these things can accelerate.
And my foot was just about to hit the pedal.
What's this - your nan's? You do know cassettes are only this big these days?
- It's a telly cassette. - Telly cassette?
For the telly.
Here, look.
♪ Whole Lotta Love
- What's that? - It's a video recorder.
♪ Theme from Rising Damp
What's going on?
I told you, it's a cassette for the telly. My mum hates it.
- Says it's too big for the room. - It's only twenty to three.
How can Rising Damp be on at twenty to three?
- What have you done? - I taped it the other night.
You know like a cassette tapes your music? Well, this tapes your telly.
No, Steve, you can't tape the telly. That's mad, you...
You can't record the television!
Watch.
Now what's happened?
I've paused it.
You can't pause the telly! What are you doing?
Straight - what are you doing?
One of me old man's mates nicked it out of Thames Television.
And it tapes Thames Television?
It tapes all television.
Are you joking?
- Did you not know we had one of these? - No!
He's getting another one next week, more modern.
He's getting another one? Oh, Steve, mate, you've gotta let me have this one.
It ain't mine to sell.
Do us a favour, ask your old man how much he wants for it.
My dad? Are you sure?
Yeah!
Ripped By mstoll
TV: It's Rigsby! It's Rigsby! '
- Have you had a bereavement? - (Laughter)
DANNY: I had entered a parallel universe.
Forget it, Dan, he wants 100 quid.
100?
♪ Whole Lotta Love
Here, Kath, give us a slice of your bread pudding, will ya?
- Coming right up. - There's a Russian freighter sinking out there.
- They need something to block up the hole. - Balls to you.
You're determined to take the piss out of me right to the last day.
Yes, we are.
I've cooked hot dinners for you ponces for the last 30 years.
I've never had a word of thanks.
You don't have to eat them, do ya?
No wonder no one else wants to bleeding buy this place.
- You know we loves you, Kath. - Do I?
Haven't you got any steak for later?
Yes... I have, as it happens. Why?
Terry has a hole in his boot. He needs it soled and heeled.
- (Laughter) - Bollocks!
In fact, like many old industries,
the docks were facing closure, with dockers offered money to quit.
And now, new faces were appearing.
- Who's that? - That's the new security firm they got in.
- Blimey, they only look about 15. - Ha-ha. Lovely.
Lovely? What's lovely about that?
They won't have heard any of the fiddles.
He's right, we can go right through the book with 'em.
I reckon we could do Cat In The Box with kids like that.
Cat In The Box was the oldest trick in the dockers' book.
- What's in the box? - Stray cat for me daughter.
- I'll have to look inside. - Come on. It's a stray cat.
Open her up.
- (Cat hisses) - Fucking hell!
Thanks a lot! Thank you!
Dad normally gave it about half an hour.
- Want to see the cat again? - No, you're all right, Spud.
Cheers, Norm. All right, calm down in there!
♪ ... goes to church
♪ Just to see the boys
♪ But everybody knows
♪ She's only putting on the style
We had ham sandwiches for a month after that.
We can't do Cat In The Box no more. Reggie tried it the other week at the East Gate.
They looked in the box a second time.
- They looked in the box a second time? - Yeah.
So what? He offered them a drink?
They weren't interested. They put Reggie on report.
- They weren't interested in a drink? - No.
They're onto everything, they're not a bit approachable.
So maybe it's time to take the money.
Yeah. You might be right there, Ern.
The offer was up to 1,200 quid in the last letter.
Don't you wonder why they're so keen to pay us off?
Take that money, you might as well cut your throat.
The old game's changing, Spud. This ain't a job for life no more.
(Static hiss)
Don't piss about back there, you'll blow us all through the roof.
I just need to connect it all up.
SPUD: Hello?
- Where is everyone? - In here!
I'd only been given two weeks to come up with the 100 quid,
but right now, I was too excited to worry about that.
What the fucking hell is that monstrosity?
Right. Ladies and gentlemen, our house is now a cinema.
- What is it? - It's a video recorder. It records the television.
- What for? - So you can watch programmes again.
- What for? - Well, you can keep shows on it.
Keep shows? You can fucking stage shows on that! Look at the size of it!
- Where did you get it? - Here, ain't Joey Churcher got one of them?
Joey Churcher? I hope not!
- I'm off out now, see you later. What is that? - It's a video recorder.
Who you meeting tonight, Gog or Magog?
- I'll be in about 11, Mum. - Be careful.
Make sure you are. Keep your hand on your ha' penny.
She's off out with Roger again. Six months now.
Why does she never she bring him home more often?
- I wonder! - Right, there you go. Ready?
Born ready.
(Video recorder whirrs)
This is good, innit?
- Maybe it needs tuning in. - Yeah.
Oi! Don't piss about with that, it took us three days to find BBC Two!
- Better place than this, too! - Come on, Rigsby.
I reckon we'd give Miss Jones a night to remember.
- What's that? - That's last week's Rising Damp!
Yeah, and we watched that last week.
You know what it looks like? Like the telly's had a stroke.
(Michael laughs)
It does! How much did you give for that?
20 quid.
A score? 25, more like.
How are you gonna pay for that?
You used your birthday money on bleeding records.
I'm like Dad. I can always get hold of a few quid.
Right, here's a tenner, put that with your nan's postal orders and that's the end of it.
Don't get involved with the likes of Joey Churcher.
Thanks, Dad.
Well, there we go. Do you want to watch it again?
ALL: No.
Since my dad had threatened to run over her last boyfriend, Colin,
Sharon had been going steady with Roger.
In comes Mr Collier and says, "Brilliant, Barbara, go home early if you want."
And I thought, "Hang on. Hang on, I did most of that.
I'm the one with Pitman's shorthand, 120 words a minute." Drives me mad up there.
(Sighs)
How was your week?
Well, work's work, innit?
He wasn't exactly the romantic type, but she'd had plenty of them.
Oh, yeah! That's what I was gonna ask ya. Want to get married?
Eh?
- What? - Do you want to get married?
You was talking about it the other week with your mate. Shall we do it?
Well, yeah, but... but do it different to that.
- What? - Asking me to marry you,
you've got to say, "Will you marry me?"
I just did!
Proper! You're supposed to get down on one knee.
What, in here? You've got some chance!
Do you want to marry me or not?
What about my dad?
Sharon was on the verge of gaining a husband,
while I'd given my heart to a video recorder.
But, like my sister, I was too scared to tell Dad the whole truth about our relationship.
Mike?
Oi!
What?
Mike, I owe more than 20 quid.
I knew you did. Go on, how much?
30?
- Yeah. - You idiot.
- 30 quid just to tape Rising Damp. - It tapes other things, too.
I owe 100 quid.
100 quid? You owe Joey Churcher 100 quid?
(Exhales heavily)
Stewart Sams only owed him a tenner.
- Yeah? So? - When's the last time you saw Stewart Sams?
- His family's moved to Ramsgate. - Yes.
But ask yourself why they moved to Ramsgate.
Eh? Did they even move to Ramsgate?
No. You're not saying he killed all Stewart Sams' family for a tenner?
I'm not saying nothing, mate, you're the one that owes him 100 quid.
Now shut up and leave me alone, will ya?
Oi, listen.
If you do that again, I'm going to fucking...
Get off! Get off!
Stop! What's the matter with you?
I just wanted to know what you were listening to.
New Deep Purple LP.
Deep Purple? Where'd you get that?
Eddie Gregory taped it for me. Only cost me a quid.
I reckon you'll have to start selling some of them soon to get yourself out of this one.
No, not me records! I can't!
Come on, Fred, that's enough, ain't it?
What are you talking about? These are Polaroids.
- Two quid a pair for these! - Haemorrhoids.
Oi! Stop that.
Fucking hell, Norman!
- Old Norman was one of the chaps. - Don't do that to us!
Totally in the swim.
No, no, straight, stop it, there's no point.
It's only a bit of Fat Man, Norm. You're part of the old firm.
We'll sort you out, no problem.
New lot are onto it. Jackie Tarbard got stopped trying to nick a load of football shirts.
How? You can't put your hands on a dock worker, we'd all walk out.
You can if you stop a bloke who looks like he weighs 40 stone,
then when you strip him down, find out he don't weight ten.
- What, so no more Fat Man? - This is bollocks.
They're taking away our livelihoods. The only thing I'm earning at the moment is me wages!
As soon as it goes up to two grand, mate, I'm taking it.
What have I told you? Don't take their bribes.
If none of us take the money, they can't close the docks down.
Your Alfie took it.
Yeah, and what's he got now? About 50 quid.
Don't you think he regrets it every single day?
He got a grand, he never even bought himself a new car.
It's blood money!
If you can't take a few fucking steps, you wouldn't be able to run my business.
So... Yeah, and you.
- What's up, Kath? - Another bleeding buyer's dropped out.
They're all talk, all of them.
Have they found out you were taking them Scotch eggs with you?
Valuable antiques, they are.
You won't be laughing next week when I've gone.
This hut has been here since 1918.
- So's them Scotch eggs. - (Laughter)
They say, "Oh, you can't cook off a bottle of gas no more,"
and, "Oh, there's gotta be a sink plumbed in so the staff can wash their hands."
There's only me! What do I want to wash me hands for?
The latest thing is, "Where's your toilet facilities?"
I told him, I said, "Over the Rose & Crown, where I've always gone."
I don't know what they expect for 350 quid.
You ain't got that in your back pocket?
We were just saying, we can't smuggle a rasher of wind out of this place at the moment.
- Fuck all. - The dock'll be delighted to see this place close.
- It'll make it easier for them to get rid of you lot. - They're on to all our strokes.
That's a shame, because I heard there's a booze boat coming in next Thursday.
Load of sherry from Cadiz.
In the old days, you lot would have had that stripped bare.
Sherry, though, Kath? We're gonna have trouble knocking that out round here.
Round here, maybe. But out in the suburbs - Eltham, Cockfosters,
that's all they drink out there.
The video recorder was starting to dominate family life.
ALL: (Repeating TV) Do you know what? I still feel hungry. So am I.
Fancy a bag of chips? Plenty of vinegar? Lots of scallops? Mushy peas.
You're on.
Your turn to pay. Come on.
(TV laughter)
♪ Theme from Rising Damp
Suit of armour.
Watch it again?
But I still had to pay Joey Churcher what I owed him for it.
There was no way I was gonna sell any of my famously comprehensive record collection.
So, inspired by my brother's mate, Eddie Gregory,
I put a classified ad in the music papers
offering to tape any albums onto cassette for just one pound.
♪ Ride A White Swan
♪ Speak To Me
All I had to do was press record, sit back and wait.
Don't touch the record player!
♪ Breathe
All right, let's take it up. Come on.
It had become a point of principle for Dad.
The boatload of sherry had arrived, and his solution was to reach back into the past
for a classic old dock workers' stroke, The Dredge.
Haven't you got anything else better to do?
Just making sure every bottle of this goes where it's meant to.
Yeah.
That's it. Take it down.
Got it, lads?
Whoa!
Right, lads, let's get this shifted.
- 'Ere, I want a word with you! - Not now, Mum.
The video recorder was taking over my life, but so was paying for it.
♪ Theme from Catweazle
- A couple of letters came for you. - Oh, yeah?
Want to tell me what you've been up to?
♪ Honey Trap
All right, Les, take it up.
Stand from under. Set hanging!
Just a minute, Les!
I think there's a corner come loose.
That's it, Les, to me, to me, bring it in.
Just as I thought, this isn't secure.
There you go. Right, take it up!
Steady, Les, steady!
That still don't look too secure to me, that.
- Oi! - (Laughter)
I said it wasn't secure, you heard me. Someone could have been killed.
You don't take the working man's welfare seriously round here.
- What happens now? - Well, for the next six months,
all the fish pulled out of there will be three-parts pissed.
- What, so all that lot's lost, is it? - Gone!
Unless you want to jump in after it.
What about insurance? Should we get your names?
- Excuse me, your names, please? - Names?
That's the Duke of Edinburgh.
- That's Elvis Presley. - Donald Duck.
And I'm the Dalai Lama.
♪ Paranoid
My recording business was booming to the point that supply - me -
couldn't possibly keep up with demand -
apparently the entire record-buying public of the United Kingdom.
♪ Finished with my woman
♪ Cos she couldn't help me with my mind
♪ People think I'm insane
♪ Because I am frowning all the time
Oh, no, it'll all be over the front page of the Weatherfield Gazette on Friday.
Bet Lynch is definitely back in circulation.
Haven't you seen this episode?
- Yeah. We recorded it. - How many times have you watched it?
About... ten.
Mad.
Oh, who's turned off the record player?
I did! I was sick of hearing Pink bloody Floyd.
I'm never gonna finish if you keep turning it off.
You'll never finish looking at that pile of letters.
And there's two posts tomorrow.
Lucky for you your father's working late tonight.
(Groans in frustration)
So how long's it been since this was last done?
It's gotta be... 10, 15 years.
- Yeah. - Archie Clarke was the best at it.
- Archie Clarke? Didn't he drown or something? - Yeah.
- Doing this? - Indirectly.
He was on his way home after doing this and got pissed and fell off the Woolwich ferry.
(Laughter)
All right, chaps, have I missed it?
- Where you been? - Sorry, I can't resist her toad in the 'ole.
- (Laughter) - What's happening?
(Raucous laughter)
Alfie! Never thought I'd see you back in the docks. I thought you took the money?
He did. That's why he needs the work.
- What you been doing down there? - What do you think? Playing bleeding golf?
Here you are, I found it all on the bottom, ready to bring up.
Yes, look at this!
At last, a chance to earn.
(Chuckles) Go on.
- So, how's it going, then, Alf? - Terrible. I just miss everyone.
You don't know how much it's part of your life till you're out of it all.
Fucking hell! It tastes like vinegar!
Not only does it taste like vinegar, it is vinegar.
- What? - Vinaigre - vinegar.
What? Sherry vinegar? Look at that!
How are we supposed to shift that?
Oh, what a waste of time! I could have been at home having apple crumble now.
- What's going on here? - Fucking arseholes.
Night fishing. Just doing a spot of night fishing, that's all.
- (Splash) - What was that?
That one was too small, threw it back.
"Always conduct yourself as an innocent man," Dad told us.
Of course, he was an expert at it.
You shouldn't be on dock premises after working hours.
Er... that's not true. Under the Port of London Charter of 1903,
dockers are permitted to fish in the waters in which they toil, any time, day or night.
- I'd like to see that in black and white. - No need, son. It's filed away, up here.
Why's he in a wetsuit?
We're after skate.
- What? - Skate.
Fish. They're bottom feeders, ain't they?
Port of London Charter 1903 again?
No. 1907, that one, 1907.
That's about right for you lot, ain't it, eh? You're all well out of date.
Within two years, there won't be no dockers left round here.
- What will be here, clever bollocks? - Money.
Real money, not your little scams. That's all getting bought up for property, innit?
You're round the twist. This is the busiest port in the world.
- They'll always need blokes like us, mate. - Correct.
So why are they offering you 1,200 quid to go away?
That's a lot of piss-off money for someone they want to keep.
Come on.
Fucking arseholes.
♪ I shot the sheriff
♪ But I did not shoot the deputy
- How much? - See for yourself.
- 1,500 quid! - Mm.
Oh, my good God, Fred, you've got to at least think about it. £1,500.
I can earn that in six months, Bet. What's the point in taking it,
then, in six months, not having a job?
Any more mail?
Yeah.
Yeah, one or two bits.
But none of it's for you.
- What the fucking 'ell's that? - Look at that.
- Who's moved in, The Beatles? - You'd better ask Danny. Look.
Danny?
Oi, Danny!
What you done? Knocked off a mail train? What's this?
Sit down, Ronnie Biggs. This better all be straight.
Be the first time in this house if it is.
Well, I was just foraging,
trying to get a few quid together, like you do.
But I've gone in over my head. I don't know what to do, Dad.
- What have you been doing? - Taping LPs and selling 'em.
Which is illegal, by the way. Copyright, they call it.
I've been trying to pay back Joey Churcher for this video recorder thing.
Owes him 100 quid, don't he?
He's asked you for 100 quid for that thing,
what his mate knocked off for nothing?
Right, you leave Joey Churcher to me, I'll sort him out. He owes me a few favours.
What about the letters? I've had so many, I'll be taping till Christmas and still won't finish.
Never mind them. I'll take them down the dump and burn 'em.
- Thanks, Dad. - Listen to me, Danny. And you.
Doors are closing, the world's changing.
We've got to learn to do things straight. That's the future. Skulduggery, that's all finished.
- What about all the money? - Money? What are you talking about?
They've been sending him money to do their tapes,
and mostly been selling 'em on to their mates for a profit.
- So there's money in all these? - Yeah. Better chuck the whole lot, eh, Dad?
Never mind that. You get to school.
I'll sort these out. Bet, another cup of tea!
Dad was very scrupulous.
Kids who only wanted one tape got their money back.
But those who sought to make a profit out of my efforts weren't so lucky.
Soon there was enough to pay off Joey Churcher
plus a "reasonable surplus", as Dad put it, on top.
Woo-hoo, like I've always told you, Bet, everyone's at it.
Unfortunately for this mob, some of us have been at it a lot longer than others.
And that surplus, he immediately put to good use.
I always promised meself one day I'd sit here and be served.
Choose what you like, Kath, it's all on us.
- Oh! - Alfie!
Certainly, madam. On behalf of the new management, what can I get you?
Oh, it's good to see you back, Alf.
It's nice to be back.
Well, I'll have a nice cup of tea and er... one of them Bakewell tarts.
Of course, coming right up.
Sure you want to part with that? They've been in the family a long time.
And wash your bleeding hands before you serve it!
Oh, she's got a point!
Me and Cliff are so grateful to you boys.
It was Spud what come up with it all, thank him.
Well...
- Aye aye. - (Groaning)
Two cups of tea.
Sorry, gents.
- What's that supposed to mean? - It's there in black and white. Dockers only!
In other words, piss off out of it, go on.
- Get on out of it. - Go on, then.
So Kath got her retirement money, Alfie was back in the docks
and Dad had stayed ahead of the game again.
(Sighs) Can we turn over?
No, I want to tape This Is Your Life.
- It'll be Des O'Connor. - You say that every week.
No, I don't. I was right the other week with Ray Alan.
No, you just said "a ventriloquist".
Yeah, Ray Alan, he's a ventriloquist.
Anyway, I don't know why they act all shocked, they've all been told.
It's all set up in advance. What you doing?
- Fred. - What?
Sharon and Roger want to get married.
- How much? - What?
- I mean, when? - In the summer.
All right, summer.
All right.
- Is that it? - Yeah.
- They're back in a minute. - What?
Sharon was expecting you to go off like a rocket.
Why?
You chased her last four boyfriends over the back wall.
Well...
No, I like Roger, he's a good bloke.
Yeah, he reminds me of someone.
- Who? - You.
Sharon say's he ain't even bought her a ring yet in case you said no and he was lumbered with it.
Well, what's wrong with that?
(Door closes)
- Don't, don't... - What?
No. Come on. Bless.
All right?
- Are you taping This Is Your Life? - Yeah, it's after this.
It's all set up, Sharon, they know in advance.
Correct! Just been saying that to her mother.
Oh, don't spoil it. I like to see who the surprise guest is that comes on last.
Oh, so do I.
Weren't much of a surprise last week with Ray Alan and Lord Charles.
- It was a fucking puppet. - (Laughs)
Right, I will go and put the kettle on.
Anyway, Dad...
What?
- Roger's got something to tell you. - Has he?
- Have I? - Tell him!
Yeah.
- He's asked me to marry him. - He's what?
We're only engaged, Fred. I told her to leave it for now, but she wanted to tell you.
You're getting married?
Well... yeah!
Right... well...
I already knew that.
What?
Your mother told me earlier.
- (Laughs) - Oh, you are rotten, the pair of you!
It was his idea to wind you up.
- And you're not angry? - I'm not a nutcase, am I?
Come here, girl. Congratulations, boy.
- Thanks, Fred. - Sure you want to go through with it, Rog?
- Yes, he is, thank you! - She's been out with a few, you know.
What?
♪ They say time will wait for no man
♪ They say time is on my side
♪ I can never make my mind up
♪ Cos it all goes whizzing by
♪ From the cradle to the grave
♪ From the cradle
♪ To the grave ♪ I know I won't be a slave
♪ I know I won't be a slave...
Ripped By mstoll