1 00:00:04,204 --> 00:00:05,671 You know, for three weeks now, 2 00:00:05,756 --> 00:00:07,923 I have had an impossible time getting through 3 00:00:07,958 --> 00:00:10,493 to the love of my life, my little ketzele, 4 00:00:10,527 --> 00:00:14,296 my nine-year-old grandson, Christian. 5 00:00:14,331 --> 00:00:16,532 My son and his horrible, Filipino wife 6 00:00:16,566 --> 00:00:19,835 bought Christian a cell phone for Hannukah. 7 00:00:19,870 --> 00:00:21,036 Have you ever? 8 00:00:21,071 --> 00:00:22,738 A nine-year-old with a cell phone? 9 00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:24,991 Before you know it, 10 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,894 he'll be designing malware for the North Koreans. 11 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:32,698 I call him. I call him, day and night. 12 00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:35,001 He doesn't return a single call. 13 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,270 But, I'll keep trying. 14 00:00:37,304 --> 00:00:39,672 I know he cares about his grandma. 15 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:42,308 How do I get this to-- 16 00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:44,911 How do I get this thing to work? 17 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:46,045 Oh, I pushed the wrong button. 18 00:00:46,079 --> 00:00:48,414 Oh, how do I go back? 19 00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:52,518 Eh, five-nine-three-eight. 20 00:00:56,156 --> 00:00:57,957 Ooh, it's ringing. 21 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,661 Hey, this is Christian. 22 00:01:01,696 --> 00:01:03,263 Leave a message after the beep. 23 00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:06,299 9-11 was an inside job! 24 00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:10,770 Hello, my little mokuska. It's me, your bubala. 25 00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:12,505 Uh, listen, I know you're busy. 26 00:01:12,539 --> 00:01:14,240 I'm tryin' to give you your space. 27 00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:16,742 I've only called 47 times in the last three weeks 28 00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:19,078 with a zero rate of return. 29 00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:22,081 But, call me. I have something very exciting to tell you. 30 00:01:22,115 --> 00:01:25,051 I met the, uh, the-the singer the other day. 31 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,285 Uh, what's his name? 32 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,787 Uh, oh, Bieber. 33 00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:29,789 Yeah, he took me out to lunch, 34 00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:33,526 and, uh, and we kibitz over a slice of Boston cream pie. 35 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:35,394 Uh, nice guy. 36 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,296 Uh, jealous much? 37 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,500 I lied-- little white lie. 38 00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,202 I never met Bieber, 39 00:01:43,236 --> 00:01:45,338 and I don't think I would want to. 40 00:01:45,372 --> 00:01:47,340 He thinks he's black. 41 00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:48,307 You know, all these kids today, 42 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,309 they think they're black... 43 00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:53,279 Especially the black ones. 44 00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:56,449 ♪ La la la la la, la la la la la ♪ 45 00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:59,752 ♪ la la la la la la la la ♪ 46 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:03,422 ♪ la la la la la, la la la la la ♪ 47 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:06,025 ♪ la la la la la la la ♪ 48 00:02:08,557 --> 00:02:12,857 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com 49 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:17,036 ♪ la la la la la la, la la la la la ♪ 50 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:21,674 ♪ la la la la la la la la ♪ 51 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:37,256 I made love to Bobby Darin. 52 00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:39,925 He was wild for me. We had mutual friends. 53 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,129 - He was a singer, no? - He was a singer. Yeah, Bobby Darin. 54 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,296 Yeah, "Mac The Knife." 55 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:45,898 - The knife, yeah. - Yeah. 56 00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:48,067 Have you played this before, Gigi? 57 00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:49,168 Yes, I've played before. 58 00:02:49,202 --> 00:02:50,569 Have you? 59 00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:53,005 Uh, a long time ago, before I had a stroke, 60 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,574 - so I had to ask how to play, again. - Oh, oh, okay. 61 00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:58,177 My husband, Harold, I think he had a stroke. 62 00:02:58,211 --> 00:03:00,312 No one knows what he died of. 63 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,615 Someone told me he died of aggravation 64 00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:04,383 because I aggravated him to death. 65 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:07,787 Good. 66 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:10,181 Whatever it takes. - Whatever it takes. That's right. 67 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,359 Whatever it takes to get rid of him. 68 00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:14,927 You know what happened this morning? 69 00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:15,995 What happened? 70 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,697 My grandson, I've been tried to reach him now 71 00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,165 - for two weeks. - Ahh. 72 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,534 Two weeks, and every day I leave a message, 73 00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:23,169 and can ya imagine he doesn't call me back? 74 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,570 He's nine years old. 75 00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:26,172 Nine years old? - Yeah. 76 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,907 We used to do so many things together. 77 00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,542 And now, he's always on his phone. 78 00:03:29,576 --> 00:03:31,610 I think he's looking at pornography. 79 00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:34,246 He's nine? 80 00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:35,281 - Oh, no. I don't think so. - He's nine years old. 81 00:03:35,315 --> 00:03:36,682 - Nine years old, yes. - No. 82 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,451 Oh, yes, 'cause I caught him once. 83 00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:40,720 He was looking at something and to-- 84 00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:43,255 and-and-and, like, grabbin' at his pants. 85 00:03:43,290 --> 00:03:45,524 Ahh. - Oh, my God, that's-- 86 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:46,926 that's a little early. 87 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,894 That's really too much for nine years. 88 00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:50,096 I agree. 89 00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,564 His parents don't discipline him. 90 00:03:51,598 --> 00:03:54,133 And I tell them always, "you need to discipline." 91 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,401 He's out of control. 92 00:03:55,435 --> 00:03:57,503 He's a no good little son of a bitch. 93 00:03:57,537 --> 00:04:00,172 - And if he calls me-- - Did you call him a son of a bitch? 94 00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:02,287 Well, behind his back-- only behind his back. 95 00:04:02,309 --> 00:04:04,243 I would never call him that to his face. 96 00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:07,346 To his face, I call him lovey-dovey pudding and peach. 97 00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:10,349 Lovey-dovey, peach pudding, and pie. 98 00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:12,284 I used to show him my body. 99 00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:13,519 When he was six years old, 100 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,255 I thought it was funny to show him. 101 00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:17,523 - Your boobs. - To expose the boobs. 102 00:04:17,557 --> 00:04:20,326 Yeah, to show him my boobs. 103 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,040 You never did that with your grandchildren? 104 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:22,795 - No. - No. 105 00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:23,963 No? 106 00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:25,364 We had a funny relationship. 107 00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:26,732 I like to shock him, 108 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:29,935 but now he shocks me with his behavior is disgusting. 109 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,971 - You know, I send him cards. - Yeah. 110 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:33,405 And he never gets back to me. 111 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,908 He never-- he never, uh, sends a card to me. 112 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:39,111 That-- that's not something kids relate to these days. 113 00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:40,980 - They don't send cards anymore? - No. 114 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:42,047 I used to send cards to my grand-- 115 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,616 No, they send cards. They-they text message. 116 00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:45,084 - You've gotta learn how to text. - I know. 117 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,520 I do learn how to te-- I try to learn how to text, 118 00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:50,523 and it-it makes me so upset because this-- 119 00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:52,558 - You have an old-- yeah. - Machine, uh, it's a machine. 120 00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:54,460 You need an upgraded phone. 121 00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:56,295 You're telling me this is not a good phone? 122 00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:57,797 Yeah, that's an antiquated phone. 123 00:04:57,831 --> 00:04:58,731 - That's old. - Yeah. 124 00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:00,432 Ricky can teach you how. 125 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,168 Yeah, I can show you. He-he won't show me anything. 126 00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:03,302 But, this one's a good one. - I'll show you on this one, too. 127 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:04,470 Yeah, yeah, yeah, show me. 128 00:05:04,504 --> 00:05:07,006 So, it's just message, and then you go new message. 129 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:10,509 Message and new message. Yeah, and see, T-X-T means text. 130 00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:11,777 So, you're gonna click that. 131 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,078 And then, you see Christian's number? 132 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:17,116 So, I go message, T-5-T. 133 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,952 See? No, T-X-T. 134 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,654 There's just no "E." 135 00:05:21,688 --> 00:05:23,823 - They shorten everything in text messages. - Okay. 136 00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:25,291 There it is, Christian. 137 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,059 Okay, write a message for me. 138 00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:28,761 What do you want me to say? 139 00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:31,397 You owe me a call. Call me back. 140 00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:34,300 It's been weeks since we've spoken. 141 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,002 I don't understand what the hell's the matter with you. 142 00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,237 He can't write all that. That's too much. 143 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:39,538 No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 144 00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,473 That's too much? - Especially with that keypad. 145 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,042 Say-say what the hell's the matter with ya? 146 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:45,110 If you were here, I'd choke you. 147 00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,645 - No. - No, no, no, no, no. 148 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:47,947 No, that's-- 149 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:50,149 I used to read books to Christian. 150 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,451 Not just children's books, all sorts of books-- 151 00:05:52,485 --> 00:05:55,454 Mysteries, classical dramas, romance novels. 152 00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:58,757 His face would light up with every plot twist. 153 00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,826 I once read him a romance novel, 154 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:06,131 uh, and he was so caught up in the throws of the female protagonist, 155 00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:08,968 uh, that he cried when her head was shaved, 156 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:11,570 and she was choked to death by her cruel husband. 157 00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:13,739 Oh, how he hung on my every word. 158 00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:17,009 So, I know exactly what I have to do. 159 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,478 I have to write something profound, 160 00:06:19,512 --> 00:06:24,049 something that will turn Christian's cold heart warm again. 161 00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,785 Something that will get him to stop yanking his little schmekel 162 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,821 and call his damn grandma! 163 00:06:35,449 --> 00:06:38,217 Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. 164 00:06:38,251 --> 00:06:39,285 Now, where-where? 165 00:06:39,319 --> 00:06:41,520 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 166 00:06:41,555 --> 00:06:43,255 Christian? 167 00:06:43,290 --> 00:06:45,124 Oh. 168 00:06:46,626 --> 00:06:48,627 Yes. Hello. Who is this? 169 00:06:50,897 --> 00:06:53,332 Yeah, I was napping. Who is this? 170 00:06:53,367 --> 00:06:55,634 Your name is Parvesh? 171 00:06:55,669 --> 00:06:58,371 What are ya selling? I don't want it. 172 00:06:58,405 --> 00:07:01,273 I don't want the plan. No, I'm happy with my plan. 173 00:07:01,308 --> 00:07:03,509 Where you calling from? 174 00:07:03,543 --> 00:07:06,112 Mumbai? Isn't it late over there? 175 00:07:06,146 --> 00:07:07,813 What do you eat? Are you eating something? 176 00:07:07,848 --> 00:07:10,182 I hear you chewing. 177 00:07:10,217 --> 00:07:12,551 You're eating sag pania? 178 00:07:12,586 --> 00:07:15,221 What is sag pania? 179 00:07:15,255 --> 00:07:17,490 That sounds horrible. 180 00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:19,325 No, don't eat that. 181 00:07:19,359 --> 00:07:20,393 Hello? 182 00:07:20,427 --> 00:07:23,429 He hung up on me. 183 00:07:23,463 --> 00:07:25,331 Son of a bitch. 184 00:07:38,615 --> 00:07:39,748 This is Christian. 185 00:07:39,782 --> 00:07:41,984 Follow me on Twitter @kingminus06. 186 00:07:42,018 --> 00:07:43,685 9/11 was an inside job. 187 00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:48,023 Listen to me, you little bastard. 188 00:07:48,057 --> 00:07:50,025 You call me back. 189 00:07:50,059 --> 00:07:51,527 I used to wipe your little schmekel 190 00:07:51,561 --> 00:07:52,861 with the same parchment paper 191 00:07:52,896 --> 00:07:54,730 I used to bake your snickerdoodles. 192 00:07:54,764 --> 00:07:56,331 You'd be nothing without me. 193 00:07:56,366 --> 00:07:57,666 Now, call me back, 194 00:07:57,700 --> 00:07:59,067 or I'm gonna tell all your little friends 195 00:07:59,102 --> 00:08:03,372 about how you love to sway with me to Perry Como. 196 00:08:03,406 --> 00:08:05,541 Perry Como, bitch! 197 00:08:09,546 --> 00:08:12,147 Shit, I just called my grandson a bitch. 198 00:08:15,151 --> 00:08:16,271 I just can't quite get 199 00:08:16,286 --> 00:08:18,954 to the heart of the story I'm trying to tell. 200 00:08:18,988 --> 00:08:20,923 It's time that I meet with a professional, 201 00:08:20,957 --> 00:08:24,726 experienced, responsible adult, a grown man, 202 00:08:24,761 --> 00:08:27,896 who writes children's books. 203 00:08:27,931 --> 00:08:31,934 - Hi, I'm Jonathan Karnoff. - Yes, Mr. Karnoff, I've heard so much about you. 204 00:08:31,968 --> 00:08:33,769 Thank you so much. 205 00:08:33,803 --> 00:08:38,340 Oh, boy, do I have an idea for you. 206 00:08:38,374 --> 00:08:40,008 I am a child at your knee. 207 00:08:40,043 --> 00:08:41,777 - Tell me your story. - I'm sorry? 208 00:08:41,811 --> 00:08:44,513 I'm a child at your knee. Tell me your story. 209 00:08:44,547 --> 00:08:47,816 That's just my way of saying I'm here to listen. 210 00:08:47,850 --> 00:08:49,218 Oh, okay. 211 00:08:49,252 --> 00:08:51,486 He represents your audience. - Yeah, oh, I see. 212 00:08:51,521 --> 00:08:52,955 Yeah. 213 00:08:52,989 --> 00:08:53,922 Okay. 214 00:08:56,826 --> 00:08:58,493 Is it me, or is there a little bit somethin' 215 00:08:58,528 --> 00:09:00,062 - like he's a little-- - I'm sorry. 216 00:09:00,096 --> 00:09:01,363 No, nothing. That's fine. 217 00:09:01,397 --> 00:09:02,731 No, no, no. It's just, you know. 218 00:09:02,765 --> 00:09:03,899 He writes books for kids 219 00:09:03,933 --> 00:09:05,133 because he wants to get close to kids. 220 00:09:05,168 --> 00:09:06,201 - No, no, no. - Yes. 221 00:09:06,236 --> 00:09:07,035 No, no, no. 222 00:09:07,070 --> 00:09:08,136 - He writes. - I think you're wrong. 223 00:09:08,171 --> 00:09:09,504 Why do you write books for kids? 224 00:09:09,539 --> 00:09:12,074 Just wondering. Just a innocent question. 225 00:09:12,108 --> 00:09:14,576 Oh, I suppose I'm trying to talk to myself. 226 00:09:14,611 --> 00:09:16,044 Oh, that's very sweet. 227 00:09:16,079 --> 00:09:17,312 - Yeah. - Yeah. 228 00:09:17,347 --> 00:09:19,581 I'm reaching back to the child that I was-- 229 00:09:19,616 --> 00:09:22,217 the child that didn't get the parenting 230 00:09:22,252 --> 00:09:23,986 he wanted and he needed. 231 00:09:29,726 --> 00:09:31,493 Yeah, I think that's what I'm doing. 232 00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:34,429 Okay, I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject. 233 00:09:34,464 --> 00:09:37,799 Anyway, uh, so, um, it starts 234 00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:41,403 with a grandmother and her grandson. 235 00:09:41,437 --> 00:09:42,337 This is already good. 236 00:09:42,372 --> 00:09:43,772 - Okay. - Yeah. 237 00:09:45,074 --> 00:09:47,909 - And they are inseparable. - Yeah. 238 00:09:47,944 --> 00:09:50,045 - She makes him pies. - Yeah. 239 00:09:50,079 --> 00:09:52,147 She, uh, you know, every once in a while, 240 00:09:52,181 --> 00:09:53,582 - she'll flash him. - Uh-- 241 00:09:53,616 --> 00:09:55,350 You know, uh, just to see him go, "Ahh, grandma, 242 00:09:55,385 --> 00:09:56,418 no! Don't flash me." 243 00:09:57,587 --> 00:09:59,054 Uh, uh, that's a-- we don't-- you know. 244 00:09:59,088 --> 00:10:00,355 - Well, that's the-- that's what-- - It doesn't have to be in the story. 245 00:10:00,390 --> 00:10:02,024 I like that part. It-it could just be a lifting of the-- 246 00:10:02,058 --> 00:10:03,125 Yeah. 247 00:10:03,159 --> 00:10:05,127 - Yeah, just a little ankle or maybe-- - Yeah. 248 00:10:05,161 --> 00:10:07,763 Yeah, just a sneak peek. - Pussy lip or whatever. 249 00:10:07,797 --> 00:10:08,930 All right. All right. 250 00:10:08,965 --> 00:10:10,098 And then, one day, 251 00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:12,701 his stupid parents give him a cell phone. 252 00:10:12,735 --> 00:10:14,436 - Yeah. - And that's the end of him. 253 00:10:14,470 --> 00:10:17,039 - That's the Berlin Wall. - They never hear-- that's the Berlin Wall. 254 00:10:17,073 --> 00:10:19,541 - The imaginal line. - I remember the Berlin Wall. 255 00:10:19,575 --> 00:10:21,209 - The Great Divide. - Yeah. 256 00:10:21,244 --> 00:10:23,111 Iron Curtain. 257 00:10:23,146 --> 00:10:24,780 Please. 258 00:10:24,814 --> 00:10:28,750 Long story short, I want the grandmother character to die, 259 00:10:28,785 --> 00:10:30,085 and when I say, "die," 260 00:10:30,119 --> 00:10:34,056 I don't just mean die in her sleep, die of old age. 261 00:10:34,090 --> 00:10:36,425 - I want her body to be mangled. - Okay. 262 00:10:36,459 --> 00:10:39,061 Maybe she gets eaten. - Okay, okay. 263 00:10:39,095 --> 00:10:41,830 Maybe she-she's covered in flies and maggots. - Right, right, right. 264 00:10:41,864 --> 00:10:44,900 And the maggots are going up into her vagina. 265 00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:47,336 Uh, Gi-Gi-Gi-Gi-- 266 00:10:47,370 --> 00:10:49,338 - Uh, Gigi. - Gigi. 267 00:10:49,372 --> 00:10:51,239 Uh, children are born into this world 268 00:10:51,274 --> 00:10:52,808 terrified of everything. 269 00:10:52,842 --> 00:10:53,842 I don't think 270 00:10:53,876 --> 00:10:55,677 we wanna deal with a grandmother's death. 271 00:10:55,712 --> 00:10:57,612 Uh, a light coma-- 272 00:10:57,647 --> 00:11:00,549 uh... could she be struck in traffic 273 00:11:00,583 --> 00:11:03,518 and, uh, and-and suddenly rendered unconscious? 274 00:11:03,553 --> 00:11:06,021 I think-- I-I happen to disagree with you, 275 00:11:06,055 --> 00:11:07,656 and I know you're a professional, 276 00:11:07,690 --> 00:11:09,091 and you've been doing this for many years. 277 00:11:09,125 --> 00:11:11,493 Been very, very successful. Who gives a shit? 278 00:11:11,527 --> 00:11:14,029 My feeling is, 279 00:11:14,063 --> 00:11:16,732 - if we make it so that it's not-- - May I suggest-- 280 00:11:16,766 --> 00:11:20,068 and this is 30 years of that talking. 281 00:11:20,103 --> 00:11:21,870 Okay. All right. 282 00:11:21,904 --> 00:11:24,106 Let's do a switch. 283 00:11:24,140 --> 00:11:26,007 - The kid dies. - The kid dies? 284 00:11:26,042 --> 00:11:27,509 - No. - The grandson dies? 285 00:11:27,543 --> 00:11:29,644 No, no, no, no, you're going down the wrong alley. 286 00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:31,913 Animals for humans. 287 00:11:31,948 --> 00:11:33,048 Yeah. 288 00:11:33,082 --> 00:11:35,250 Animals are kind of an ambassador 289 00:11:35,284 --> 00:11:36,952 to children everywhere. 290 00:11:36,986 --> 00:11:40,389 We can deal with lumbering life issues 291 00:11:40,423 --> 00:11:42,424 like death through animals. 292 00:11:42,458 --> 00:11:43,592 You can kill an animal anytime. 293 00:11:43,626 --> 00:11:45,627 - "Charlotte's Web." - "Charlotte's Web." 294 00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:47,295 - What happened to her? - I'm not sure. 295 00:11:47,330 --> 00:11:48,463 - She died. - She died. 296 00:11:48,498 --> 00:11:49,831 - That's a book? - Yeah. 297 00:11:49,866 --> 00:11:51,366 - It's a book. - Wilbur the pig. 298 00:11:51,401 --> 00:11:53,201 - I've never heard of it. - Hmm. 299 00:11:53,236 --> 00:11:55,837 Yeah, I feel like it-it helps kids deal with emotions 300 00:11:55,872 --> 00:11:58,340 - better when it comes from an animal, you know. - Right. 301 00:11:58,374 --> 00:11:59,307 When my grandma died, 302 00:11:59,342 --> 00:12:02,644 my-my parents sent the dog to tell me. 303 00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,479 He didn't tell me, but he had a note 304 00:12:04,514 --> 00:12:06,815 attached to his collar and that said "grandma's dead." 305 00:12:06,849 --> 00:12:08,183 Oh. 306 00:12:08,217 --> 00:12:10,185 So, but, you know, it didn't hurt nearly as much. 307 00:12:10,219 --> 00:12:12,721 I was actually okay with it. 308 00:12:12,755 --> 00:12:16,825 Could you substitute yourselves for animals? 309 00:12:16,859 --> 00:12:18,026 Yes. 310 00:12:18,060 --> 00:12:21,329 So, there's a grandmother chimp and a grandson chimp, 311 00:12:21,364 --> 00:12:25,133 and they are being torn apart 312 00:12:25,168 --> 00:12:31,139 by the modernities of chimp society. Yeah? 313 00:12:31,174 --> 00:12:32,874 This is a new market for you, 314 00:12:32,909 --> 00:12:34,242 and I'll tell right now. 315 00:12:34,277 --> 00:12:38,447 Children are going to want, uh, something merry of soul. 316 00:12:38,481 --> 00:12:40,048 Could the grandmother not die? 317 00:12:40,082 --> 00:12:41,483 - Could she be-- - No, sir. 318 00:12:41,517 --> 00:12:43,285 I would like her to drop dead. 319 00:12:43,319 --> 00:12:45,887 I would like her to begin to decompose. 320 00:12:45,922 --> 00:12:47,456 I want you to be able, when you're reading it, 321 00:12:47,490 --> 00:12:49,291 to really smell that smell that-- 322 00:12:49,325 --> 00:12:51,193 I'm gonna be very respectful here, 323 00:12:51,227 --> 00:12:52,894 and I'm gonna have to say "no ." 324 00:12:52,929 --> 00:12:54,763 This is-- this is not, uh, 325 00:12:54,797 --> 00:12:56,498 - it's not gonna work. - It's morbid. 326 00:12:56,532 --> 00:12:58,733 I'm afraid this is gonna have to be a pass. 327 00:12:58,801 --> 00:12:59,935 You know what you are? 328 00:12:59,969 --> 00:13:02,337 Simply put-- 329 00:13:02,371 --> 00:13:04,906 You're a no good son of a bitch bastard. 330 00:13:04,941 --> 00:13:06,074 Okay, we should go. 331 00:13:06,108 --> 00:13:07,442 You are a no good son of a bitch bastard. 332 00:13:07,477 --> 00:13:08,410 - Let's go. - Let's be on your way. 333 00:13:08,444 --> 00:13:08,910 - Very good to meet you. - Thank you very much. 334 00:13:08,945 --> 00:13:10,045 How dare you? 335 00:13:10,079 --> 00:13:10,946 - Let's get outta here. - He gave you his opinion. 336 00:13:10,980 --> 00:13:12,414 This guy is no good. 337 00:13:12,448 --> 00:13:13,682 You're a crack! 338 00:13:13,716 --> 00:13:14,683 - I'm really sorry. - You see that? 339 00:13:14,717 --> 00:13:15,817 Good to meet you. 340 00:13:15,852 --> 00:13:17,486 I'm so sorry I couldn't be of any use. 341 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:18,920 Yeah, you're not of any use. 342 00:13:18,955 --> 00:13:20,989 You're useless. Shame on you forever. 343 00:13:21,023 --> 00:13:22,524 - Shame on you forever, sir. - Thank you so much. 344 00:13:22,558 --> 00:13:24,125 For that, you're going to hell. 345 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,260 Do you know that? 346 00:13:25,294 --> 00:13:26,628 Continue to be successful. 347 00:13:26,662 --> 00:13:27,963 There's a special place in hell for people like you. 348 00:13:31,234 --> 00:13:33,635 Look, I-I readily admit that my story 349 00:13:33,669 --> 00:13:35,537 isn't for the faint at heart 350 00:13:35,571 --> 00:13:38,673 and that it has the potential to stir up some controversy 351 00:13:38,708 --> 00:13:41,009 in the children's literature realm, 352 00:13:41,043 --> 00:13:42,744 but, frankly, I like that way. 353 00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:44,045 These kids today, 354 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,015 they need to be made aware of the specter of famine, 355 00:13:47,049 --> 00:13:49,417 of war, of death... 356 00:13:49,452 --> 00:13:51,386 Of incontinence. 357 00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:52,754 And so what if no publisher 358 00:13:52,788 --> 00:13:55,524 in their right mind would publish my book? 359 00:13:55,558 --> 00:13:57,993 I'm gonna publish it myself. 360 00:14:03,733 --> 00:14:07,068 ♪ Ia la la la la la la la la la la ♪ 361 00:14:07,103 --> 00:14:10,505 ♪ la la la la la la la ♪ 362 00:14:10,540 --> 00:14:12,340 Let me tell you somethin'. 363 00:14:12,375 --> 00:14:15,610 Publishing and distributing a book is not cheap. 364 00:14:15,645 --> 00:14:18,880 Just ask, uh, you know, J.K. Simmons, 365 00:14:18,915 --> 00:14:21,883 who-who wrote all those Harry Potter books. 366 00:14:21,918 --> 00:14:23,785 But, you know, it didn't bother me too much 367 00:14:23,819 --> 00:14:26,087 to spend the money because it's worth it 368 00:14:26,122 --> 00:14:28,223 if I can get Christian to call me back. 369 00:14:30,359 --> 00:14:32,561 I'm gonna debut the book at the condo clubhouse, 370 00:14:32,595 --> 00:14:34,095 and I'm going to invite everyone who matters, 371 00:14:34,130 --> 00:14:37,532 a real who's who of the Boca Flagship Gardens. 372 00:14:42,371 --> 00:14:43,505 Hello? 373 00:14:43,539 --> 00:14:45,073 Hello! 374 00:14:45,107 --> 00:14:46,641 How is everyone? 375 00:14:46,676 --> 00:14:48,176 Hey, good to see you. 376 00:14:48,210 --> 00:14:50,345 Miriam, it's so wonderful to see you. 377 00:14:50,379 --> 00:14:52,247 It's so good that you came out. 378 00:14:52,281 --> 00:14:53,548 How are you, Anita? 379 00:14:53,583 --> 00:14:54,883 You are all right? 380 00:14:54,917 --> 00:14:57,919 Rachel-- my Rachel is here. 381 00:14:57,954 --> 00:15:00,021 I'm so glad you've all turned out. 382 00:15:02,291 --> 00:15:04,626 Okay. 383 00:15:04,660 --> 00:15:07,195 Thank you all for-- thank you all-- 384 00:15:09,398 --> 00:15:11,199 Thank you all for coming today. 385 00:15:11,233 --> 00:15:13,501 This is a very exciting moment for me. 386 00:15:13,536 --> 00:15:16,771 It's my first foray into, uh-uh, writing. 387 00:15:16,806 --> 00:15:19,240 And, um, I think you're gonna love it. 388 00:15:19,275 --> 00:15:23,612 This is Ricky. He's helping me out today. 389 00:15:23,646 --> 00:15:25,013 Thank you. Can I have my book? 390 00:15:25,047 --> 00:15:26,114 Thank you. 391 00:15:26,148 --> 00:15:29,451 Um, as you can see, the book is titled 392 00:15:29,485 --> 00:15:32,053 "Call Your Grandmother," 393 00:15:32,088 --> 00:15:35,256 by Gigi Rotblum. 394 00:15:35,291 --> 00:15:36,825 That's me. 395 00:15:36,859 --> 00:15:38,660 Ha-ha! 396 00:15:38,694 --> 00:15:40,729 Shall we begin? 397 00:15:40,763 --> 00:15:43,565 "Deep in the jungles of Africa, 398 00:15:43,599 --> 00:15:47,102 "there was a young chimpanzee named Mark, 399 00:15:47,136 --> 00:15:49,304 "who grew up under the watchful eye 400 00:15:49,338 --> 00:15:52,073 "of his grandmother, Joyce. 401 00:15:52,108 --> 00:15:53,975 "Joyce would take mark to the river 402 00:15:54,010 --> 00:15:56,711 and thoroughly clean his pubik." 403 00:15:56,746 --> 00:15:58,146 Come. Come. 404 00:16:05,021 --> 00:16:07,389 "Mark would share funny stories with her. 405 00:16:07,423 --> 00:16:09,324 "He loved to make his grandmother laugh 406 00:16:09,358 --> 00:16:10,959 "because she was otherwise miserable 407 00:16:10,993 --> 00:16:13,395 "and in a loveless marriage with Mark's grandfather, Jerry, 408 00:16:13,429 --> 00:16:16,798 "who only loved professional wrestling and his own penis. 409 00:16:19,602 --> 00:16:23,004 "Every night, Joyce howled from her tree. 410 00:16:23,039 --> 00:16:25,840 "Woop-woop! 411 00:16:25,875 --> 00:16:28,743 And Mark howled back from his tree. 412 00:16:28,778 --> 00:16:29,978 "Woop-woop-woop-woop." 413 00:16:29,979 --> 00:16:31,746 Come on. 414 00:16:31,781 --> 00:16:33,615 "Woop-woop-woop-- woop-woop-woop!" 415 00:16:33,649 --> 00:16:35,884 " Woop-woop-wop. Woop-woop-woop! 416 00:16:35,918 --> 00:16:39,154 ...just so Joyce knew he was safe. 417 00:16:39,188 --> 00:16:42,924 "One stormy night, the dark sky flashed with lightning, 418 00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:44,826 "and the river became flooded. 419 00:16:44,860 --> 00:16:46,494 "Joyce howled as loud as she could 420 00:16:46,529 --> 00:16:50,331 "from her tree canopy. 'Woop-woop-woop!' 421 00:16:50,366 --> 00:16:54,402 "but, this time, Mark did not howl back. 422 00:16:54,437 --> 00:16:56,638 "Joyce descended from the tree canopy 423 00:16:56,672 --> 00:16:59,307 "to search the jungle for her beloved grandson. 424 00:16:59,341 --> 00:17:02,210 "She searched and searched and finally came upon Mark 425 00:17:02,244 --> 00:17:06,181 happily playing with his stupid, little, chimp friends." 426 00:17:06,215 --> 00:17:09,350 "Joyce thought about alerting them to the danger. 427 00:17:09,385 --> 00:17:12,220 "But, when she saw how happy Mark was, 428 00:17:12,254 --> 00:17:16,291 "simply playing in the puddles with his disgusting and horrible little friends, 429 00:17:16,325 --> 00:17:19,127 "she decided to leave him alone. 430 00:17:19,161 --> 00:17:21,696 "One night, Joyce stopped howling. 431 00:17:21,731 --> 00:17:23,732 "And Mark, who had been busy touching himself 432 00:17:23,766 --> 00:17:25,834 and smoking sensimilla the whole time, 433 00:17:25,868 --> 00:17:27,502 "became concerned." 434 00:17:27,536 --> 00:17:28,970 "He made a promise to himself 435 00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:31,406 "that he would check in on his grandmother. 436 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:34,609 "He climbed her tree only to find... 437 00:17:34,643 --> 00:17:38,113 "His beloved grandmother lifeless"-- 438 00:17:41,250 --> 00:17:44,385 Li-life-- 439 00:17:44,420 --> 00:17:46,421 Oh, my goodness! 440 00:17:46,455 --> 00:17:49,524 Um, if-if you'll excuse me. 441 00:17:54,130 --> 00:17:55,330 He-he-hello. 442 00:17:55,364 --> 00:17:56,698 Christian! 443 00:17:56,732 --> 00:17:59,234 Christian, I've been waiting for you to call me. 444 00:17:59,268 --> 00:18:00,401 Ha-ha! 445 00:18:00,436 --> 00:18:01,636 Yes. 446 00:18:13,282 --> 00:18:15,316 Um, any-anyone from outta town? 447 00:18:20,289 --> 00:18:23,224 Christian, I'm ever so happy to hear from you. 448 00:18:23,259 --> 00:18:24,793 Yes, where were you? 449 00:18:24,827 --> 00:18:26,361 I'm calling, calling, night and day. 450 00:18:26,395 --> 00:18:27,929 You don't answer? 451 00:18:27,963 --> 00:18:30,799 Oh, no, I know you're busy with school. 452 00:18:30,833 --> 00:18:32,033 You did? 453 00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:33,935 Oh, that's wonderful! 454 00:18:33,969 --> 00:18:36,070 I'm so, so, so proud of you. 455 00:18:36,105 --> 00:18:37,972 I didn't mean to call you a bitch. 456 00:18:38,007 --> 00:18:39,541 You know, I was-- I was hurt. 457 00:18:39,575 --> 00:18:41,176 That was wrong of me. 458 00:18:41,210 --> 00:18:43,011 You're right. I'm an animal. 459 00:18:43,045 --> 00:18:46,447 I am a disgusting, putrid animal. 460 00:18:46,482 --> 00:18:47,482 Huh? 461 00:18:47,483 --> 00:18:48,483 You're gonna kick my ass? 462 00:18:48,517 --> 00:18:50,051 Okay, you can try to kick my ass, 463 00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:52,487 but that's called "elder abuse," 464 00:18:52,521 --> 00:18:53,822 and that's illegal, 465 00:18:53,856 --> 00:18:55,156 and they'll send you to jail, 466 00:18:55,191 --> 00:18:57,425 or Spofford, or wherever they send nine-year-olds. 467 00:19:01,230 --> 00:19:02,964 She-she should be right back. 468 00:19:06,969 --> 00:19:08,136 Listen to me. 469 00:19:08,170 --> 00:19:11,940 You're gonna make some young lady very happy one day, 470 00:19:11,974 --> 00:19:15,310 and you made some young lady happy today. 471 00:19:15,344 --> 00:19:16,244 You did. 472 00:19:16,278 --> 00:19:18,079 Thank you for calling, my dear. 473 00:19:18,113 --> 00:19:20,381 Okay, bye-bye, sweetheart. 474 00:19:25,154 --> 00:19:27,322 Bye-bye. 475 00:19:27,356 --> 00:19:29,524 Ha! 476 00:19:29,558 --> 00:19:30,992 Prick. 477 00:19:36,098 --> 00:19:38,266 Even though my book was a massive success, 478 00:19:38,300 --> 00:19:41,002 I've decided not to distribute it. 479 00:19:41,036 --> 00:19:44,472 Yeah, I-- listen, I wouldn't wanna embarrass Christian. 480 00:19:44,506 --> 00:19:46,741 Nine-year-olds have enough trouble as it is, 481 00:19:46,775 --> 00:19:49,611 all prepubescent and dealing with a haunting sense 482 00:19:49,645 --> 00:19:52,180 of their latent homosexuality. 483 00:19:52,214 --> 00:19:54,816 Besides, I got what I wanted. 484 00:19:54,850 --> 00:19:56,918 Christian called me back! 485 00:19:56,952 --> 00:20:00,855 And he taught me how to send a text message. 486 00:20:00,890 --> 00:20:06,628 Eight, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, D. 487 00:20:06,662 --> 00:20:08,563 It's a penis and testes. 488 00:20:22,077 --> 00:20:24,779 ♪ La la la la la la la ♪ 489 00:20:33,889 --> 00:20:35,924 Where were we? 490 00:20:35,958 --> 00:20:39,627 So, um... 491 00:20:42,765 --> 00:20:46,134 "He climbed her tree and reached her canopy 492 00:20:46,168 --> 00:20:49,304 "only to find his beloved grandmother... 493 00:20:49,338 --> 00:20:52,607 "Lifeless, rotting, covered in maggots, 494 00:20:52,641 --> 00:20:54,676 "with a sad look in her one eye." 495 00:20:54,710 --> 00:20:57,946 'Cause the one eye that was already eaten by maggots, 496 00:20:57,980 --> 00:20:59,514 I assume. 497 00:20:59,548 --> 00:21:03,284 "Her mouth was open in horror. 498 00:21:03,319 --> 00:21:05,386 "Mark felt like a total asshole. 499 00:21:11,694 --> 00:21:13,828 "The End." 500 00:21:18,633 --> 00:21:21,469 Monkeys are terribly dangerous animals. 501 00:21:22,864 --> 00:21:27,064 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com