You know, for three weeks now,
I have had an impossible time getting through
to the love of my life, my little ketzele,
my nine-year-old grandson, Christian.
My son and his horrible, Filipino wife
bought Christian a cell phone for Hannukah.
Have you ever?
A nine-year-old with a cell phone?
Before you know it,
he'll be designing malware for the North Koreans.
I call him. I call him, day and night.
He doesn't return a single call.
But, I'll keep trying.
I know he cares about his grandma.
How do I get this to--
How do I get this thing to work?
Oh, I pushed the wrong button.
Oh, how do I go back?
Eh, five-nine-three-eight.
Ooh, it's ringing.
Hey, this is Christian.
Leave a message after the beep.
9-11 was an inside job!
Hello, my little mokuska. It's me, your bubala.
Uh, listen, I know you're busy.
I'm tryin' to give you your space.
I've only called 47 times in the last three weeks
with a zero rate of return.
But, call me. I have something very exciting to tell you.
I met the, uh, the-the singer the other day.
Uh, what's his name?
Uh, oh, Bieber.
Yeah, he took me out to lunch,
and, uh, and we kibitz over a slice of Boston cream pie.
Uh, nice guy.
Uh, jealous much?
I lied-- little white lie.
I never met Bieber,
and I don't think I would want to.
He thinks he's black.
You know, all these kids today,
they think they're black...
Especially the black ones.
♪ La la la la la, la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la, la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la la la ♪
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com
♪ la la la la la la, la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la la la la ♪
I made love to Bobby Darin.
He was wild for me. We had mutual friends.
- He was a singer, no? - He was a singer. Yeah, Bobby Darin.
Yeah, "Mac The Knife."
- The knife, yeah. - Yeah.
Have you played this before, Gigi?
Yes, I've played before.
Have you?
Uh, a long time ago, before I had a stroke,
- so I had to ask how to play, again. - Oh, oh, okay.
My husband, Harold, I think he had a stroke.
No one knows what he died of.
Someone told me he died of aggravation
because I aggravated him to death.
Good.
Whatever it takes. - Whatever it takes. That's right.
Whatever it takes to get rid of him.
You know what happened this morning?
What happened?
My grandson, I've been tried to reach him now
- for two weeks. - Ahh.
Two weeks, and every day I leave a message,
and can ya imagine he doesn't call me back?
He's nine years old.
Nine years old? - Yeah.
We used to do so many things together.
And now, he's always on his phone.
I think he's looking at pornography.
He's nine?
- Oh, no. I don't think so. - He's nine years old.
- Nine years old, yes. - No.
Oh, yes, 'cause I caught him once.
He was looking at something and to--
and-and-and, like, grabbin' at his pants.
Ahh. - Oh, my God, that's--
that's a little early.
That's really too much for nine years.
I agree.
His parents don't discipline him.
And I tell them always, "you need to discipline."
He's out of control.
He's a no good little son of a bitch.
- And if he calls me-- - Did you call him a son of a bitch?
Well, behind his back-- only behind his back.
I would never call him that to his face.
To his face, I call him lovey-dovey pudding and peach.
Lovey-dovey, peach pudding, and pie.
I used to show him my body.
When he was six years old,
I thought it was funny to show him.
- Your boobs. - To expose the boobs.
Yeah, to show him my boobs.
You never did that with your grandchildren?
- No. - No.
No?
We had a funny relationship.
I like to shock him,
but now he shocks me with his behavior is disgusting.
- You know, I send him cards. - Yeah.
And he never gets back to me.
He never-- he never, uh, sends a card to me.
That-- that's not something kids relate to these days.
- They don't send cards anymore? - No.
I used to send cards to my grand--
No, they send cards. They-they text message.
- You've gotta learn how to text. - I know.
I do learn how to te-- I try to learn how to text,
and it-it makes me so upset because this--
- You have an old-- yeah. - Machine, uh, it's a machine.
You need an upgraded phone.
You're telling me this is not a good phone?
Yeah, that's an antiquated phone.
- That's old. - Yeah.
Ricky can teach you how.
Yeah, I can show you. He-he won't show me anything.
But, this one's a good one. - I'll show you on this one, too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, show me.
So, it's just message, and then you go new message.
Message and new message. Yeah, and see, T-X-T means text.
So, you're gonna click that.
And then, you see Christian's number?
So, I go message, T-5-T.
See? No, T-X-T.
There's just no "E."
- They shorten everything in text messages. - Okay.
There it is, Christian.
Okay, write a message for me.
What do you want me to say?
You owe me a call. Call me back.
It's been weeks since we've spoken.
I don't understand what the hell's the matter with you.
He can't write all that. That's too much.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's too much? - Especially with that keypad.
Say-say what the hell's the matter with ya?
If you were here, I'd choke you.
- No. - No, no, no, no, no.
No, that's--
I used to read books to Christian.
Not just children's books, all sorts of books--
Mysteries, classical dramas, romance novels.
His face would light up with every plot twist.
I once read him a romance novel,
uh, and he was so caught up in the throws of the female protagonist,
uh, that he cried when her head was shaved,
and she was choked to death by her cruel husband.
Oh, how he hung on my every word.
So, I know exactly what I have to do.
I have to write something profound,
something that will turn Christian's cold heart warm again.
Something that will get him to stop yanking his little schmekel
and call his damn grandma!
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh.
Now, where-where?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Christian?
Oh.
Yes. Hello. Who is this?
Yeah, I was napping. Who is this?
Your name is Parvesh?
What are ya selling? I don't want it.
I don't want the plan. No, I'm happy with my plan.
Where you calling from?
Mumbai? Isn't it late over there?
What do you eat? Are you eating something?
I hear you chewing.
You're eating sag pania?
What is sag pania?
That sounds horrible.
No, don't eat that.
Hello?
He hung up on me.
Son of a bitch.
This is Christian.
Follow me on Twitter @kingminus06.
9/11 was an inside job.
Listen to me, you little bastard.
You call me back.
I used to wipe your little schmekel
with the same parchment paper
I used to bake your snickerdoodles.
You'd be nothing without me.
Now, call me back,
or I'm gonna tell all your little friends
about how you love to sway with me to Perry Como.
Perry Como, bitch!
Shit, I just called my grandson a bitch.
I just can't quite get
to the heart of the story I'm trying to tell.
It's time that I meet with a professional,
experienced, responsible adult, a grown man,
who writes children's books.
- Hi, I'm Jonathan Karnoff. - Yes, Mr. Karnoff, I've heard so much about you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, boy, do I have an idea for you.
I am a child at your knee.
- Tell me your story. - I'm sorry?
I'm a child at your knee. Tell me your story.
That's just my way of saying I'm here to listen.
Oh, okay.
He represents your audience. - Yeah, oh, I see.
Yeah.
Okay.
Is it me, or is there a little bit somethin'
- like he's a little-- - I'm sorry.
No, nothing. That's fine.
No, no, no. It's just, you know.
He writes books for kids
because he wants to get close to kids.
- No, no, no. - Yes.
No, no, no.
- He writes. - I think you're wrong.
Why do you write books for kids?
Just wondering. Just a innocent question.
Oh, I suppose I'm trying to talk to myself.
Oh, that's very sweet.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I'm reaching back to the child that I was--
the child that didn't get the parenting
he wanted and he needed.
Yeah, I think that's what I'm doing.
Okay, I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject.
Anyway, uh, so, um, it starts
with a grandmother and her grandson.
This is already good.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- And they are inseparable. - Yeah.
- She makes him pies. - Yeah.
She, uh, you know, every once in a while,
- she'll flash him. - Uh--
You know, uh, just to see him go, "Ahh, grandma,
no! Don't flash me."
Uh, uh, that's a-- we don't-- you know.
- Well, that's the-- that's what-- - It doesn't have to be in the story.
I like that part. It-it could just be a lifting of the--
Yeah.
- Yeah, just a little ankle or maybe-- - Yeah.
Yeah, just a sneak peek. - Pussy lip or whatever.
All right. All right.
And then, one day,
his stupid parents give him a cell phone.
- Yeah. - And that's the end of him.
- That's the Berlin Wall. - They never hear-- that's the Berlin Wall.
- The imaginal line. - I remember the Berlin Wall.
- The Great Divide. - Yeah.
Iron Curtain.
Please.
Long story short, I want the grandmother character to die,
and when I say, "die,"
I don't just mean die in her sleep, die of old age.
- I want her body to be mangled. - Okay.
Maybe she gets eaten. - Okay, okay.
Maybe she-she's covered in flies and maggots. - Right, right, right.
And the maggots are going up into her vagina.
Uh, Gi-Gi-Gi-Gi--
- Uh, Gigi. - Gigi.
Uh, children are born into this world
terrified of everything.
I don't think
we wanna deal with a grandmother's death.
Uh, a light coma--
uh... could she be struck in traffic
and, uh, and-and suddenly rendered unconscious?
I think-- I-I happen to disagree with you,
and I know you're a professional,
and you've been doing this for many years.
Been very, very successful. Who gives a shit?
My feeling is,
- if we make it so that it's not-- - May I suggest--
and this is 30 years of that talking.
Okay. All right.
Let's do a switch.
- The kid dies. - The kid dies?
- No. - The grandson dies?
No, no, no, no, you're going down the wrong alley.
Animals for humans.
Yeah.
Animals are kind of an ambassador
to children everywhere.
We can deal with lumbering life issues
like death through animals.
You can kill an animal anytime.
- "Charlotte's Web." - "Charlotte's Web."
- What happened to her? - I'm not sure.
- She died. - She died.
- That's a book? - Yeah.
- It's a book. - Wilbur the pig.
- I've never heard of it. - Hmm.
Yeah, I feel like it-it helps kids deal with emotions
- better when it comes from an animal, you know. - Right.
When my grandma died,
my-my parents sent the dog to tell me.
He didn't tell me, but he had a note
attached to his collar and that said "grandma's dead."
Oh.
So, but, you know, it didn't hurt nearly as much.
I was actually okay with it.
Could you substitute yourselves for animals?
Yes.
So, there's a grandmother chimp and a grandson chimp,
and they are being torn apart
by the modernities of chimp society. Yeah?
This is a new market for you,
and I'll tell right now.
Children are going to want, uh, something merry of soul.
Could the grandmother not die?
- Could she be-- - No, sir.
I would like her to drop dead.
I would like her to begin to decompose.
I want you to be able, when you're reading it,
to really smell that smell that--
I'm gonna be very respectful here,
and I'm gonna have to say "no ."
This is-- this is not, uh,
- it's not gonna work. - It's morbid.
I'm afraid this is gonna have to be a pass.
You know what you are?
Simply put--
You're a no good son of a bitch bastard.
Okay, we should go.
You are a no good son of a bitch bastard.
- Let's go. - Let's be on your way.
- Very good to meet you. - Thank you very much.
How dare you?
- Let's get outta here. - He gave you his opinion.
This guy is no good.
You're a crack!
- I'm really sorry. - You see that?
Good to meet you.
I'm so sorry I couldn't be of any use.
Yeah, you're not of any use.
You're useless. Shame on you forever.
- Shame on you forever, sir. - Thank you so much.
For that, you're going to hell.
Do you know that?
Continue to be successful.
There's a special place in hell for people like you.
Look, I-I readily admit that my story
isn't for the faint at heart
and that it has the potential to stir up some controversy
in the children's literature realm,
but, frankly, I like that way.
These kids today,
they need to be made aware of the specter of famine,
of war, of death...
Of incontinence.
And so what if no publisher
in their right mind would publish my book?
I'm gonna publish it myself.
♪ Ia la la la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ la la la la la la la ♪
Let me tell you somethin'.
Publishing and distributing a book is not cheap.
Just ask, uh, you know, J.K. Simmons,
who-who wrote all those Harry Potter books.
But, you know, it didn't bother me too much
to spend the money because it's worth it
if I can get Christian to call me back.
I'm gonna debut the book at the condo clubhouse,
and I'm going to invite everyone who matters,
a real who's who of the Boca Flagship Gardens.
Hello?
Hello!
How is everyone?
Hey, good to see you.
Miriam, it's so wonderful to see you.
It's so good that you came out.
How are you, Anita?
You are all right?
Rachel-- my Rachel is here.
I'm so glad you've all turned out.
Okay.
Thank you all for-- thank you all--
Thank you all for coming today.
This is a very exciting moment for me.
It's my first foray into, uh-uh, writing.
And, um, I think you're gonna love it.
This is Ricky. He's helping me out today.
Thank you. Can I have my book?
Thank you.
Um, as you can see, the book is titled
"Call Your Grandmother,"
by Gigi Rotblum.
That's me.
Ha-ha!
Shall we begin?
"Deep in the jungles of Africa,
"there was a young chimpanzee named Mark,
"who grew up under the watchful eye
"of his grandmother, Joyce.
"Joyce would take mark to the river
and thoroughly clean his pubik."
Come. Come.
"Mark would share funny stories with her.
"He loved to make his grandmother laugh
"because she was otherwise miserable
"and in a loveless marriage with Mark's grandfather, Jerry,
"who only loved professional wrestling and his own penis.
"Every night, Joyce howled from her tree.
"Woop-woop!
And Mark howled back from his tree.
"Woop-woop-woop-woop."
Come on.
"Woop-woop-woop-- woop-woop-woop!"
" Woop-woop-wop. Woop-woop-woop!
...just so Joyce knew he was safe.
"One stormy night, the dark sky flashed with lightning,
"and the river became flooded.
"Joyce howled as loud as she could
"from her tree canopy. 'Woop-woop-woop!'
"but, this time, Mark did not howl back.
"Joyce descended from the tree canopy
"to search the jungle for her beloved grandson.
"She searched and searched and finally came upon Mark
happily playing with his stupid, little, chimp friends."
"Joyce thought about alerting them to the danger.
"But, when she saw how happy Mark was,
"simply playing in the puddles with his disgusting and horrible little friends,
"she decided to leave him alone.
"One night, Joyce stopped howling.
"And Mark, who had been busy touching himself
and smoking sensimilla the whole time,
"became concerned."
"He made a promise to himself
"that he would check in on his grandmother.
"He climbed her tree only to find...
"His beloved grandmother lifeless"--
Li-life--
Oh, my goodness!
Um, if-if you'll excuse me.
He-he-hello.
Christian!
Christian, I've been waiting for you to call me.
Ha-ha!
Yes.
Um, any-anyone from outta town?
Christian, I'm ever so happy to hear from you.
Yes, where were you?
I'm calling, calling, night and day.
You don't answer?
Oh, no, I know you're busy with school.
You did?
Oh, that's wonderful!
I'm so, so, so proud of you.
I didn't mean to call you a bitch.
You know, I was-- I was hurt.
That was wrong of me.
You're right. I'm an animal.
I am a disgusting, putrid animal.
Huh?
You're gonna kick my ass?
Okay, you can try to kick my ass,
but that's called "elder abuse,"
and that's illegal,
and they'll send you to jail,
or Spofford, or wherever they send nine-year-olds.
She-she should be right back.
Listen to me.
You're gonna make some young lady very happy one day,
and you made some young lady happy today.
You did.
Thank you for calling, my dear.
Okay, bye-bye, sweetheart.
Bye-bye.
Ha!
Prick.
Even though my book was a massive success,
I've decided not to distribute it.
Yeah, I-- listen, I wouldn't wanna embarrass Christian.
Nine-year-olds have enough trouble as it is,
all prepubescent and dealing with a haunting sense
of their latent homosexuality.
Besides, I got what I wanted.
Christian called me back!
And he taught me how to send a text message.
Eight, equal sign, equal sign, equal sign, D.
It's a penis and testes.
♪ La la la la la la la ♪
Where were we?
So, um...
"He climbed her tree and reached her canopy
"only to find his beloved grandmother...
"Lifeless, rotting, covered in maggots,
"with a sad look in her one eye."
'Cause the one eye that was already eaten by maggots,
I assume.
"Her mouth was open in horror.
"Mark felt like a total asshole.
"The End."
Monkeys are terribly dangerous animals.
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com