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They say
being a stay-at-home mom
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00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:06,465
is the noblest
and hardest profession
a woman could have.
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But they're all lying.
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It's the greatest scam
on earth.
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I never have to
put on my pants,
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my boobs magically
make baby food,
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and I get to spend all day
with my best buddy, Leo.
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Hey, Leo, can you
pass the chips, please?
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Oh.
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00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:23,314
Hey, babe.
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What the hell
happened here?
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Where's...
Where's dinner?
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I was in surgery
for six hours.
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You didn't
make any dinner?
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How could I have done that?
We just woke up.
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What'd you do all day?
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I think I taught Leo
how to use a cell phone
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and we made this.
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Ta-da!
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Baby's First Enemies list.
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There's Princess Charlotte,
Silas Timberlake,
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that noisy garbage truck
that wakes him up
every morning.
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Did you think about maybe
tidying up the apartment
a little bit?
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Oh, that reminds me.
The housekeeper
didn't show up today.
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I hope Sylvia's okay.
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Plus, I have a garbage bag
full of old Spanx for her.
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Oh, I let Sylvia go.
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I thought cleaning
would be your job now.
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Danny, I can't clean!
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I was born in this country
and I'm too lazy.
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Min... Look,
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if we're going to be
a single-income family,
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we can't afford to
eat takeout every night
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and have a housekeeper
wait on us hand and foot.
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Ma did it with no help,
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and she had to work
cleaning hotel rooms.
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That's a good point.
I can do this.
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That's the spirit!
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You're going to be
a great stay-at-home mom.
I know it.
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Stay-at-home mom.
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Can you remind me
what that job entails?
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Cooking, cleaning,
laundry, paying the bills,
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waxing the floors,
keeping the piano in tune,
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stocking the pantry,
raising our son,
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and maintaining
a positive attitude
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that sets the tone
for the rest
of the household.
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Oh! Oh!
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Wow, you're up early.
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Is Miss Piggy co-hosting
the Today show?
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No, she karate-chopped
Savannah Guthrie
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and got banned
from set.
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Danny...
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Getting up early is an
essential part of being a
stay-at-home MILF.
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MILF.
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A Mom I Like To French?
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I like that.
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This is my new job.
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So I just need to
take the focus
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that I had in my
old job as a doctor
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and simply
apply it to this.
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For instance, my fiancé's
morning cup of coffee.
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Wow.
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And I found this really cool
mommy blog to help me.
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"Modern Mominista.
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"Living a fabulous life
one dirty diaper at a time."
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You can tell it's a
really classy site,
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because the banner ads
are for anti-depressants.
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Got a little something
in there.
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Oh, no,
you leave that in there.
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That's the coffee.
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You leave it in here?
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Do you not like it?
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I love it.
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Good morning,
Shulman & Associates!
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And welcome
to your new intercom.
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I noticed that our morning
meetings were becoming
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interminable because
I couldn't seem
to get through
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a single sentence
without interruptions.
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Dr. Reed...
Dr. Reed, this chair...
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I need a day off.
...hurts my butt cheeks.
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However, with this
new office-wide intercom,
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I never need to be
worried about being
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interrupted ever...
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Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.
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I have a query.
And I warn you,
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it pertains to
matters of the heart.
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You have a crush on me.
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You're too old,
I'm sorry.
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Ah, don't tempt me,
Beverly.
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I have a hot-air
balloon ride
with your name on it.
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00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,673
In that case,
pick me up at 6:00.
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I live in the alley.
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No.
This is about
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my sweet, darlin'
little baby sister, Colette.
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I need to find her
a man.
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A man?
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00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:14,623
For what?
To spot her
at the gym?
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I could do that.
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No, a male suitor.
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Our grandfather's wedding
is coming up,
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and I don't want her to be
the only woman there
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without a dance partner,
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especially since
she is so graceful.
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Damn it!
Open up, you dick!
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So if y'all think of anyone
who might fit the bill,
I'd be greatly obliged.
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Oh, and for your information,
Jewish is fine.
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Hmm.
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Colette's gay, right?
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'Cause if not,
I'm taking back
the walking stick
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I got her
for her birthday.
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Oh, definitely.
I know gay
when I see it, okay?
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I was in prison
with Carson Kressley,
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who's a great guy
and totally changed
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my sense of fashion.
Look at that.
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Okay, guys.
Let's stop gossiping
about this.
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If Colette
wants to come out,
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let's let her do it
in her own way.
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Richie came out
during his tumbling routine
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at the high school
talent show.
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Brought down the house.
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And that is our new
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00:04:03,009 --> 00:04:05,068
forty-digit Wi-Fi password.
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For security reasons,
I will never repeat it again.
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Come on, man!
Dang, man!
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Leo, you better
hold onto your pacifier,
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because your mom
is about to transform
into a Modern Mominista.
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Step number one.
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Take pride
in your appearance.
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Dress every day like
you're on a date with
your special little guy.
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Dress nice?
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Bitch, you don't even
need to ask.
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Two,
take advantage
of the baby's nap
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to clean up the house.
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But don't use the vacuum.
That'll wake him up.
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Hand-clean the floor
with all-organic products.
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Hand clean?
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I've never gotten
on my knees and not gotten
jewelry out of it.
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Step number one.
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Take pride
in your appearance.
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Dress every day like
you're on a date with
your special little guy.
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Okay, back on track.
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What's next?
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By now you should be
back from your five-mile run
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and your duck should be ready
to come out of the oven.
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What duck? What run?
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Oh, screw you!
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Ho!
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Ow!
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Hey, Morgan,
I need to talk to you.
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Uh...
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You know
I'm gay, right?
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Yeah, I had
a pretty good idea.
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I mean, your Pinterest
is all pictures of steaks
you want to cook.
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I made it my homepage.
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My brother doesn't know
that I'm gay
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and I'm not going
to tell him
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because the dude
is old-fashioned.
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I'm talking, he's got
a bullet in his shoulder
from a duel.
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So you never tried
to tell him?
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It's easier this way.
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Just to pretend like
it doesn't exist.
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But the problem now
is that he's trying
to find me a wedding date.
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So...
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I wanted to see
if you would
play my boyfriend.
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Just till this blows over.
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And then that's it.
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You asking me out?
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Yes, but as pretend,
so don't get...
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This is my first ask-out.
Really?
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Congratulations,
because you got yourself
a boyfriend.
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Oh! All right! Yes!
Mmm.
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No!
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After a long day of being
a Modern Mominista,
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there's no better reward
than your hubby's
appreciation.
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Welcome,
my beautiful breadwinner.
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Hey.
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Wow. Place looks great.
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Doesn't it?
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Yeah.
Oh, no, no,
no, no, no.
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Let me, my prince.
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Thank you.
Yeah.
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The baby's asleep.
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The house has been
spotlessly cleaned with
useless organic products.
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And for dinner...
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The American classic,
grilled cheese
and tomato soup.
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Wow, that sounds great,
babe.
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Bon appétit.
Thank you.
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Give it to me
I'm worth it, etc
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Whoa, babe!
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That's great.
Thank you.
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Bye, honey.
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Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
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Ah, you! Come here.
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Ow!
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Oh! Oh!
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00:07:32,652 --> 00:07:33,880
Oh! Mmm.
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00:07:35,354 --> 00:07:36,548
Hey, babe.
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00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:37,611
Hey, sweetie.
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00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:39,313
Dinner's ready.
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00:07:39,425 --> 00:07:42,417
And I made us something
very special for TGIF.
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Queso panini and
my take on hot gazpacho.
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00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:48,697
Grilled cheese
and tomato soup.
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00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:51,503
I mean, I guess
you could call it that.
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00:07:51,571 --> 00:07:53,095
Oh, thanks.
But you know what?
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00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:55,436
I, uh... I picked up
something on the way home.
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00:07:55,508 --> 00:07:56,634
So I'm all good.
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00:07:57,643 --> 00:07:59,372
Is there something wrong
with my home-cooked meal?
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00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:00,571
No, absolutely not.
209
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,444
No, it's just
you mastered
grilled cheese,
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00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:07,452
maybe it's time to,
you know, try cooking
something else.
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00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,613
Sure. You know,
I'll just take
cooking classes
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00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:12,886
at the Manhattan Institute
for Women with
Infinite Time.
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00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:15,992
Okay, just...
Just forget I said that.
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00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:17,086
Why don't you cool off?
215
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,892
And while you do that,
I'll hit the gym.
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00:08:19,465 --> 00:08:20,454
You know what?
217
00:08:20,533 --> 00:08:22,467
Why don't you stay here
and look after Leo
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00:08:22,535 --> 00:08:23,593
and I go out for a while.
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00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:25,500
I haven't been outside
since I took our trash
to the river.
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00:08:25,571 --> 00:08:27,937
It's just...
I was hoping
to take a break.
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00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:30,373
I mean, I worked all day.
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00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:32,809
Yeah, I also
worked all day and I would
also love a break.
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00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:34,346
But your job is fun.
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00:08:34,947 --> 00:08:36,881
I'm jealous you get to
hang out all day
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00:08:36,949 --> 00:08:38,348
with the coolest
little guy around.
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00:08:38,417 --> 00:08:39,714
Hang out all day?
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00:08:39,785 --> 00:08:41,946
Yeah.
You think this is
a vacation?
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00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:45,589
You think
I'm laying on the beach
tits-deep in a margarita?
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00:08:46,158 --> 00:08:47,284
If you think
this is so easy, Danny,
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00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,349
then why don't
you try it?
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00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:49,416
You would die.
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00:08:49,495 --> 00:08:50,723
I don't think so.
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00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:52,024
I think I'd be
pretty good at it.
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00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:53,360
Oh, really?
Yeah.
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00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:54,865
Well, then
you got a deal, bud.
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00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:56,128
On Monday,
I'm going to go to work
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00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,191
and you can stay at home.
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00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:58,737
Great, sounds like
a lot of fun.
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00:08:58,804 --> 00:09:00,396
You can call me
Stay-At-Home Dan.
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00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,441
I will, because
it sounds pretty stupid.
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00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:05,005
Now if you'll excuse me,
I am going to go to the gym
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00:09:05,077 --> 00:09:06,339
while you take care
of our son.
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00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:08,644
Good.
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00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,272
Damn it.
Now I have to go to the gym.
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00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,980
Okay, stay-at-home daddy,
I am off to work,
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00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,317
so where's my break...
247
00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:18,646
...fast?
248
00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:22,058
French toast, mon amour?
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00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:28,366
Damn it, this is
restaurant-quality.
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00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:30,265
You know, it helps
if the brioche is fresh,
251
00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:32,770
so I stopped at the bakery
on the way back from my run.
252
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,365
You already went on a run?
253
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:35,429
Yeah, you were half asleep.
254
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,373
You mumbled something
about Taylor Swift
255
00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:38,705
and then you rolled over
and farted.
256
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:41,978
Your poached eggs
should be ready
in three, two, one.
257
00:09:43,549 --> 00:09:44,675
There we go.
258
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:51,581
Congratulations, everyone.
259
00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:52,988
Your prayers
have been answered,
260
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:54,048
because Mindy Lahiri...
261
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:55,354
Ow!
262
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,223
What the hell, dude?
I am so sorry.
263
00:09:58,297 --> 00:10:00,026
It's just... It's...
It's lunchtime pigskin.
264
00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:01,088
Lunchtime pigskin.
265
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,361
God!
Sorry.
266
00:10:02,668 --> 00:10:03,726
Morgan and I were
just practicing
267
00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:05,430
for our family's weekend
touch football game.
268
00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:07,233
- Ho!
- Huh?
269
00:10:07,306 --> 00:10:08,568
Why would you
be invited to that?
270
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:12,143
No, you're not hunting him
for sport, are you?
271
00:10:12,211 --> 00:10:14,008
No, we don't
do that anymore.
272
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:17,342
Morgan's invited because
he's Colette's new boyfriend.
273
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:18,847
What?
Oh, yeah.
274
00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:19,907
There's my girl.
275
00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:21,044
What!
276
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,317
Get this...
Everyone's calling us
Col-organ, which I hate.
277
00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:25,482
Guys, please.
278
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:28,459
Yes!
I love men.
279
00:10:28,527 --> 00:10:31,189
I love being in
this relationship.
Mmm.
280
00:10:31,764 --> 00:10:34,528
What a hot
and natural couple.
Isn't it?
281
00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:36,167
Morgan is
a fine young man.
282
00:10:36,235 --> 00:10:37,327
We're going golfing later.
283
00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:39,200
Uh, by "golf," you mean
the Frisbee variety?
284
00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:41,762
Morgan, you are a panic.
285
00:10:41,841 --> 00:10:43,103
I love it.
I know!
286
00:10:43,175 --> 00:10:44,267
- Oh!
- Catch!
287
00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:46,334
Come on, shnookums.
This is my boyfriend.
288
00:10:47,079 --> 00:10:49,479
Excuse me, but,
uh, would you mind if I ask,
289
00:10:49,548 --> 00:10:50,640
what are you
doing back here?
290
00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:52,311
What am I doing here?
Yeah.
291
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:53,511
That's like
asking Rihanna
292
00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:54,712
what she's doing
at the Met Ball.
293
00:10:54,787 --> 00:10:55,776
I'm the queen of this ish.
294
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:58,081
But if you must know,
295
00:10:58,190 --> 00:10:59,418
Danny's taking care
of our baby
296
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,483
and I am covering
his workload.
297
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:03,152
So the hysterectomy
I was going to do with Danny,
298
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:04,321
now I'm doing it with you?
299
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:05,625
Yeah, man! Yeah.
300
00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:06,687
You bet your
sweet ass you are.
301
00:11:06,799 --> 00:11:07,788
And we're going to
listen to my playlist.
302
00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:09,835
So I hope you like
Monster Mash
and Tracy Chapman.
303
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:11,960
God!
304
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:13,164
I'm so sorry.
305
00:11:14,306 --> 00:11:15,295
Well, Leo...
306
00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:16,841
Today's going to be
easy as pie.
307
00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:17,967
Speaking of which...
308
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,814
Yeah.
309
00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:24,440
Yeah, it looks good, right?
310
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,985
Okay, let me cross that
off the to-do list.
311
00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:29,078
Bake apple pie.
We're right on schedule.
312
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:30,415
We'll go to the
pediatrician early,
313
00:11:30,489 --> 00:11:32,753
we'll still have time to work
on our Italian flashcards.
314
00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:33,814
What's next?
315
00:11:33,893 --> 00:11:35,485
Cable guy's five minutes late.
That's okay, right?
316
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:36,892
That's why you schedule
wiggle room.
317
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:39,186
Oh. Whoop!
318
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:40,425
Rattle down.
I'll get it.
319
00:11:42,301 --> 00:11:43,325
Oh, damn it.
320
00:11:43,402 --> 00:11:44,460
Um...
321
00:11:45,104 --> 00:11:46,264
Okay.
That's okay.
322
00:11:46,338 --> 00:11:47,327
No worries.
323
00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:50,500
That's why you always
bake a second pie.
324
00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:52,368
Hey!
325
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,434
Hey, man!
326
00:11:53,512 --> 00:11:54,604
What the hell are you
doing with Colette?
327
00:11:54,747 --> 00:11:55,771
We're dating
and we're in love!
328
00:11:56,148 --> 00:11:57,911
Okay, that's
obviously not true.
329
00:11:57,983 --> 00:12:00,850
Morgan, you cannot turn
gay people straight.
330
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,410
I know, I know.
Listen, listen. Okay.
331
00:12:02,488 --> 00:12:04,718
Colette asked me to
be the beard at her
grandfather's wedding.
332
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:06,758
But now Dr. K is
treating me like family.
333
00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:08,293
He took me on his boat!
334
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,328
No one has ever done that
and brought me back.
335
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:13,263
You cannot keep a
Southern family's gay secret
for personal gain.
336
00:12:13,332 --> 00:12:15,027
What are you, in a
Tennessee Williams play?
337
00:12:15,801 --> 00:12:16,893
Whoa, am I smart?
338
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:18,835
You shouldn't help
Colette lie.
339
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:21,464
And this is coming from
someone who loves to lie.
340
00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:23,440
I need more time.
Jody's teaching me
how to play the spoons.
341
00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:24,635
Look at this. Ready?
342
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:26,677
Got a woman in...
343
00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:29,706
It happens seven or
eight times a day,
344
00:12:29,782 --> 00:12:31,079
and, frankly,
I'm getting sick of it.
345
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:33,277
Attention, y'all, this
message is for Morgan.
346
00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:35,149
I'm not going to finish
my chicken pot pie.
347
00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:38,213
Please make your way to
the kitchen if you would like
some leftover gravy and peas.
348
00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:40,520
Did you hear that?
It's my favorite food, scraps!
349
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,993
I need this.
Please? Great.
Okay.
350
00:12:43,062 --> 00:12:45,428
Please refrain
from using the intercom
351
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,489
for announcements
about chicken pot pie.
352
00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:49,528
My son's late for a
doctor's appointment.
353
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,933
So how long's it going to be?
354
00:12:52,138 --> 00:12:54,766
What? What do you mean,
"What's a guy doing home
at 2:00 p.m."?
355
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,933
I'll tell you what
I'm doing home.
I'm a stay-at-home dad!
356
00:12:57,009 --> 00:12:58,271
That's okay now.
357
00:12:59,578 --> 00:13:00,943
No, you're getting heated!
358
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,238
He hung up on me.
359
00:13:03,315 --> 00:13:04,748
Cable company hung up on me.
360
00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:07,210
Uh... Ow!
361
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:08,344
God!
362
00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:09,580
God damn it.
363
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:13,787
Okay.
364
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:15,156
Okay.
365
00:13:16,762 --> 00:13:17,751
Oh, it's Mommy.
366
00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:31,238
I was working in the lab
late one night, etc
367
00:13:38,050 --> 00:13:39,711
That was a great surgery!
368
00:13:39,785 --> 00:13:41,650
I forgot how much I like
slicing open women.
369
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:43,583
Thank God I became a doctor.
370
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:47,183
After that...
I think we deserve a treat.
371
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:49,753
Whoa.
372
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,262
The flask?
373
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,491
Mine was confiscated at
the American Girl store.
374
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:54,555
What is this?
Mike's Hard?
375
00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:56,328
Oh, that's craft whiskey.
376
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:57,926
The field of rye was
fertilized only by
377
00:13:58,003 --> 00:13:59,493
the leavings of
Kentucky Derby winners.
378
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,433
So fancy and gross.
379
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:03,634
What are we drinking to?
380
00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:05,740
How about your
last day of work?
381
00:14:07,246 --> 00:14:08,508
I can't believe
I'm saying this.
382
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:12,647
I'm sorry you won't be there
tomorrow to assist in
my triplet delivery.
383
00:14:12,718 --> 00:14:15,516
Yeah, I need to be
at home with my son.
384
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:16,885
You know, Danny's right.
385
00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:19,652
A child needs his
doctor mother to be home
to clean the floors
386
00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:21,659
and to prepare the
father gourmet food.
387
00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:23,592
And that's what
I want to be doing, so...
388
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:25,362
Sounds like
you need another sip.
389
00:14:25,931 --> 00:14:28,422
Uh, nope,
you already drank it all.
390
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:29,523
Yeah.
391
00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:33,132
Come in.
392
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,766
Oh, good.
You're still here.
I thought you were gone.
393
00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:37,240
No, no, no, no.
I'm still here.
394
00:14:37,309 --> 00:14:38,867
I'm still a working-mom
until the end of the day.
395
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:42,209
Good, because I need
something feminine to wear
to my grandpa's wedding.
396
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:44,749
This is the
only dress I own.
397
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:46,808
It was from
my first communion.
398
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,979
Colette, we need to talk.
Sit down.
399
00:14:49,922 --> 00:14:51,822
You have to tell
your brother the truth.
400
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,358
If you are not living
your authentic self,
401
00:14:53,425 --> 00:14:54,858
what even was
the point of Glee?
402
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:57,054
Well, the problem's Jody.
I just...
403
00:14:57,129 --> 00:14:59,723
I love him so much, I...
I want to be the...
404
00:14:59,798 --> 00:15:02,130
The girly-girl he's always
wanted me to be.
405
00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:03,862
Even if that means
I have to lie.
406
00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:04,925
Forever.
407
00:15:05,104 --> 00:15:07,163
You shouldn't hide who you are
from someone you love.
408
00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,373
Oh, my God.
409
00:15:12,444 --> 00:15:13,741
I'm in the closet, too.
410
00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:15,837
Definitely not.
Like, hard no.
411
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,507
Not even close.
412
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,813
Yes, but I'm keeping a secret
from a man that I love.
413
00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:21,817
I'll tell you a secret.
414
00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:23,684
I don't want to be a
stay-at-home mom.
415
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,087
I want to come to work.
I just...
416
00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:26,419
I don't know
how to tell Danny.
417
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:28,585
Well, if he loves you
he'll understand.
418
00:15:31,964 --> 00:15:34,432
I guess I got to tell
Jody the truth, too.
419
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,627
I just got to find a
way to tell him delicately.
420
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:38,998
Hey, boo.
421
00:15:39,538 --> 00:15:41,233
Jody is starting to
get suspicious.
422
00:15:41,307 --> 00:15:43,332
So you and I have to
start openly kissing
423
00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:45,001
and maybe get a
little grabsy.
Oh, God! No!
424
00:15:45,077 --> 00:15:46,806
No! Ugh.
425
00:15:47,179 --> 00:15:48,441
Oh, God.
426
00:15:48,647 --> 00:15:50,171
Hey, everybody.
427
00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:51,408
It's Colette.
428
00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:53,576
I'm a lesbian.
Over and out.
429
00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:55,577
I'm proud of you.
430
00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:57,417
I feel so good!
431
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,113
Colette!
432
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,489
No!
433
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:07,960
Colette, you're
not really gay, are you?
434
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,297
I mean, this is just
another one of your
funny pranks, right?
435
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:11,996
Like when you kissed
that girl in your class?
436
00:16:12,071 --> 00:16:13,504
Or asked that girl to prom?
437
00:16:14,506 --> 00:16:15,973
Oh, dear.
438
00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:17,303
It's not a prank, Jody.
439
00:16:17,376 --> 00:16:19,071
Listen, she's not gay.
Relax, okay?
440
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,169
This is just a ruse
so I will propose to her
441
00:16:21,246 --> 00:16:22,736
and it's working.
Colette, I love you.
442
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:23,839
No, get up. Get up.
I just need a minute.
443
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:25,110
This is all so shocking.
Really?
444
00:16:25,184 --> 00:16:27,482
Every Halloween
I went as John Elway.
445
00:16:27,586 --> 00:16:28,814
It's not that you're gay.
446
00:16:28,887 --> 00:16:30,252
I've known plenty of gays.
447
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:31,687
Heck, half the guys in
boarding school were
448
00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:32,849
messing around
with each other.
449
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:33,983
Amen, sister.
450
00:16:34,626 --> 00:16:35,991
Wait, then
why are you so upset?
451
00:16:36,061 --> 00:16:37,494
Because I love you, Colette.
452
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:39,563
And now your life
isn't going to be the
one I pictured for you.
453
00:16:39,631 --> 00:16:40,723
And neither will mine.
454
00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:42,494
I mean, now
I'll never have a
brother-in-law.
455
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:44,125
We were going to
grill together,
456
00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:45,329
complain about our wives.
457
00:16:45,404 --> 00:16:47,770
Jody, don't you get it?
458
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,467
I'm going to be
that brother-in-law!
459
00:16:49,541 --> 00:16:50,565
What do you mean?
460
00:16:50,642 --> 00:16:52,473
I like dumb blondes
just like you do.
461
00:16:52,544 --> 00:16:55,570
I mean, we're both going
to marry hot trophy wives
who love to shop.
462
00:16:55,814 --> 00:16:56,906
With really big breasts?
463
00:16:56,982 --> 00:16:58,006
The biggest!
464
00:16:58,083 --> 00:16:59,573
This coming-out is
getting less touching.
465
00:16:59,651 --> 00:17:01,278
And who do you think's
going to sit on the bench
466
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:03,287
at the mall
holding their purses?
467
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:05,016
Me and you?
Damn right.
468
00:17:05,090 --> 00:17:06,489
Come here.
469
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,158
Okay.
470
00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:13,027
Thanks, Dr. Lahiri,
for the advice.
471
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:15,066
I'm really glad
I said how I feel.
472
00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:20,262
I don't care if you're gay
or straight or trans.
473
00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:23,464
I'm in love with you
and all that matters is
that you are my girlfriend.
474
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:24,531
No.
475
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:25,599
- Could've been the best.
- No.
476
00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:26,701
You could've had the best.
477
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,269
Hey, sweetheart.
478
00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:29,336
Don't worry.
479
00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:30,814
I had a hard first day, too.
480
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:34,107
Hey, babe.
481
00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:36,715
Oh, my God.
Are you painting?
482
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:39,489
Yeah, it's just watercolors.
483
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:40,616
Relaxes me.
484
00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:43,620
This place looks amazing.
485
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:45,526
Ah, I don't know
if it looks amazing.
486
00:17:45,597 --> 00:17:47,462
I almost didn't get to
wax the floor, because
487
00:17:47,533 --> 00:17:48,693
I was glazing the duck.
488
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:52,035
Somehow, I miraculously
managed to do both.
489
00:17:52,271 --> 00:17:53,260
You did both?
490
00:17:53,338 --> 00:17:54,464
Hey, have a seat.
491
00:17:58,877 --> 00:18:00,742
I'm going to wash up
and we'll say grace, okay?
492
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:01,905
Okay.
493
00:18:06,785 --> 00:18:09,515
Hey, Leo, we need to talk.
494
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,886
Thing is,
genetically speaking,
495
00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:14,790
you're half your dad
and half me.
496
00:18:14,860 --> 00:18:17,055
Which is mostly a
good thing...
497
00:18:17,129 --> 00:18:21,122
You'll probably inherit your
dad's hair and my ability to
remember slights.
498
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:22,833
And I really hope you inherit
499
00:18:22,901 --> 00:18:25,369
your dad's ability to be
great at everything he tries.
500
00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:28,132
But you might be like me,
501
00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:31,973
and I'm only great
at one thing, my job.
502
00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:35,403
God, you should've
seen me in the surgery today.
503
00:18:35,481 --> 00:18:37,779
Even Karen
the anesthesiologist
gave me a high-five,
504
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:39,249
and I've told you
what a bitch she is.
505
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,619
I just want you to be
proud of me, baby.
506
00:18:45,324 --> 00:18:47,417
Which is why I have to
go back to work.
507
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:50,394
I just don't know
how to tell your dad yet.
508
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,164
Wait a second.
509
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:59,704
That's a hotel-quality
bed corner!
510
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:03,865
It's so tidy in there.
511
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:05,435
Oh, thanks.
512
00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:08,105
Well, you know what
I liked the most...
513
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:09,442
Was this towel swan.
514
00:19:09,548 --> 00:19:10,537
What?
515
00:19:10,616 --> 00:19:12,015
This towel swan
that you made.
516
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,346
The swan I made
out of a towel.
517
00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:14,817
It's funny
because I remember
518
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:18,653
you telling me that
origami was disrespectful
to Pearl Harbor vets.
519
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:20,954
Oh, no, no, no.
I changed my mind
on that whole theory.
520
00:19:21,026 --> 00:19:22,584
Well, since
I'm going to be home
tomorrow,
521
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:25,186
thought maybe you could,
uh, show me how you did it.
522
00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:27,087
The towel swan?
523
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,155
Yeah.
524
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,497
Let's see, that's...
Oh, yeah, that's...
525
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:32,867
Once over there
and then we, uh...
526
00:19:33,272 --> 00:19:34,398
Mmm.
These towels are a little
527
00:19:34,473 --> 00:19:36,134
starchy right now, but, uh...
528
00:19:37,309 --> 00:19:39,038
No, that doesn't
look like a swan.
529
00:19:39,945 --> 00:19:42,140
Cross over and then we, uh...
530
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:44,104
What's that?
531
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,616
The gun in The Godfather.
532
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:46,810
That sucks.
Give that to me.
533
00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:47,874
Here.
534
00:19:48,587 --> 00:19:50,214
I cannot believe you!
What?
535
00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:52,814
You brought your mother
in as a ringer to
make me look bad.
536
00:19:52,891 --> 00:19:54,518
Fine.
I had help, okay?
537
00:19:54,593 --> 00:19:56,458
But it wasn't to
make you look bad, it was...
538
00:19:58,163 --> 00:19:59,630
It was because you were right.
539
00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:01,632
My schedule was
in shreds by 12:00.
540
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,725
I called Ma crying, okay?
541
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:04,927
I couldn't do it.
542
00:20:06,471 --> 00:20:07,495
It's hard.
543
00:20:07,573 --> 00:20:08,904
It's really hard.
544
00:20:09,408 --> 00:20:12,172
I wasn't lying, like
my allergy to vegetables.
545
00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:13,506
I don't know how you do it.
546
00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:15,843
I changed my shirt,
like, four times.
547
00:20:16,582 --> 00:20:18,209
He just... He saw a
new shirt come
and he was like...
548
00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:20,114
Yeah. Big challenge.
549
00:20:20,319 --> 00:20:22,719
Did he do that thing
where he's clearly crying
550
00:20:22,821 --> 00:20:24,311
but there's no sound
coming out? He's like...
551
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:27,756
Yeah, that's exactly
what he does.
552
00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:29,453
By the way, we're switching
to those diapers
553
00:20:29,528 --> 00:20:30,722
that are bad for
the environment.
554
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:32,931
I've already been
using them, actually.
555
00:20:32,998 --> 00:20:34,465
I keep them in the
ceiling with my candy.
556
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:35,893
I'm a lucky guy.
557
00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:38,997
I'm with someone that actually
wants to do this every day.
558
00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:41,233
I have to talk to you
about something.
559
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:42,429
What's up?
560
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:44,208
I haven't been...
561
00:20:44,276 --> 00:20:46,141
Sorry. Hold on a second.
562
00:20:47,346 --> 00:20:50,042
Hey, Little Danny.
How's my favorite half-sister?
563
00:20:50,115 --> 00:20:51,514
What's up on the Worst Coast?
564
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:54,213
Uh, you don't need to cry.
565
00:20:54,286 --> 00:20:55,514
I'm only joking around
with you.
566
00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:57,748
California's not...
567
00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:00,086
Wait, what?
568
00:21:02,794 --> 00:21:03,988
My dad had a heart attack.
569
00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:08,456
Okay, Little Danny.
Well, I'm...
570
00:21:08,533 --> 00:21:10,194
I'm going to get out there
as soon as I can.
571
00:21:10,469 --> 00:21:11,902
Just call me if
anything changes.
572
00:21:12,671 --> 00:21:14,298
Okay.
573
00:21:17,409 --> 00:21:18,398
Are you okay?
574
00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:20,342
He's stable, but...
575
00:21:20,412 --> 00:21:22,312
Son of a bitch
smoked his whole life.
576
00:21:22,381 --> 00:21:23,405
I mean, I told him.
577
00:21:23,482 --> 00:21:25,211
"You can't...
You got to exercise, Dad."
578
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,377
And he ate like crap.
I mean, it's no surprise.
579
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:30,478
Okay,
I got to get out there.
580
00:21:30,555 --> 00:21:32,785
I mean, I don't know
what kind of doctors
he has out there.
581
00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:35,855
I got a delivery on Wednesday.
582
00:21:36,261 --> 00:21:39,059
What are they going to do
in the office without
either one of us?
583
00:21:40,499 --> 00:21:42,296
What the hell
am I talking about?
584
00:21:42,367 --> 00:21:45,131
I can't go.
I... We have a son.
585
00:21:45,203 --> 00:21:46,261
I'm not...
No, no, no, no.
586
00:21:46,338 --> 00:21:47,669
I'm... I'm not going to go.
I got to stay with Leo.
587
00:21:47,739 --> 00:21:49,468
It's okay. It's okay.
Here's what we're going to do.
588
00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:51,509
I'm going to help you pack
and then you're going to
go out there
589
00:21:51,576 --> 00:21:53,669
and be with your dad
and with your sister.
590
00:21:53,745 --> 00:21:55,940
And then I'm going to go
back to work while you're gone
591
00:21:56,014 --> 00:21:58,744
and your mom can
take care of Leo
like she did today,
592
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:01,377
and it's going to be okay.
593
00:22:05,123 --> 00:22:07,023
Oh, God.
You're the best.
594
00:22:07,092 --> 00:22:08,218
Thank you.
595
00:22:10,128 --> 00:22:11,527
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
596
00:22:11,596 --> 00:22:13,086
It's going to be
okay, right?
597
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:15,929
Uh... I'm going to...
598
00:22:16,001 --> 00:22:17,628
I'm going to call Richie.
599
00:22:17,903 --> 00:22:18,995
Thank you, babe.
600
00:22:20,372 --> 00:22:22,067
I'm actually happy to
go back to work.
601
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:28,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll