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Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
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Thank you. Thank you.
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Thank you, San Francisco.
Thank you so much.
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So good to be here.
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People were surprised
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when I told 'em I was gonna
tape my special in San Francisco.
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Said, "Why would you do that?
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That's the most politically
correct city in the world."
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Not when I'm on stage, it's not.
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I love this place.
One of my favorite cities to perform in.
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It's a good place to hang out.
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Got to walk around a little bit today.
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Saw a baby.
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Saw a baby locked
inside the back of a hot car.
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So it's been a great day.
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Love that.
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Don't get me wrong. I'm not a monster.
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I tried to help the baby.
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Tried to throw a rock through the window.
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Window was down.
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Ruined that baby's whole weekend.
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It was worth it.
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I love San Francisco.
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One of my favorite things is
how beautiful all the women are here.
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Yeah. Women in San Francisco
are gorgeous.
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I say that despite what's...
going on in this crowd tonight.
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But you guys live here.
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You guys live here. You've seen 'em.
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I was in a bar last night,
saw this beautiful woman.
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Like a supermodel.
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I walked up, I was like,
"Hey, where you from?
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What do you do?"
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She goes, "Oh, me?
I live here in San Francisco.
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I'm a brain surgeon."
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I don't know if this makes me sexist,
but I was really impressed.
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You know? I mean...
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Most women... can't pull off sarcasm.
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This is gonna be a good show.
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See, that joke, that joke is a test.
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To see if you guys are cool or not.
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That thing about the baby in the car,
that's just me clearing my throat.
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That joke's the test.
If you guys laugh at that joke,
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whole show goes great.
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You don't laugh at that joke,
whole show goes bad.
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And I've had shows go very, very bad.
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Doesn't matter to me at all.
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Now, this next joke,
this next joke is a test
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to see how cool you are.
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I, uh...
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I used to have a son.
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Already some of you see
where this is going, that's good.
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That's good.
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I used to have a little
two-year-old son, but he died.
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The same way Eric Clapton's son died.
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For inspiration.
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I'm not gonna lie, this is the best
that joke has ever done.
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You guys kinda laughed,
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then started talking to each other
for some reason.
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Then started clapping, that is amazing.
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Most people just boo me.
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But if you didn't understand
the joke... don't worry.
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It's a complicated joke,
a lot of things you gotta know.
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That joke is like an onion.
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You've gotta know who Eric Clapton is.
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Not a given these days.
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You've gotta know about his kid.
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You gotta know how clumsy
that little lad was.
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You gotta know about that
terrible fucking song.
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And then you gotta think all that's funny.
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Now, I gotta get to know
you guys a little bit.
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Starting with you for sure.
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I can tell you're a big comedy fan
and bat-shit insane.
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Did you just come
from the fucking dentist or what?
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What is your name?
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- Peggy Jo.
- Peggy.
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Peggy, what do you try to do?
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Not a lot, I'm disabled.
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You're disabled?
I know you're disabled.
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Is this your husband with you?
Okay.
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Sir, what do you do,
so I can move the fuck on.
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- I'm an electrician.
- You're an electrician?
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Great. That's an honorable job.
That's a good job to have.
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I'm sure you shock the shit out of her
on a daily basis.
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Electrician.
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It's a wonderful job.
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There's a lot of bad jobs out there,
I'll tell you that right now.
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Lot of bad jobs.
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Hell, my Uncle John
runs a summer camp for...
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kids about to get molested.
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I know, right?
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I know, it sounds awful.
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Sounds awful,
but he loves it. He's like...
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Says he's never worked
a day in his life.
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Doesn't pay much, but the benefits...
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Do you guys have any kids? How many?
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I have one, and he has two.
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Okay.
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You guys ever done that thing
where you go online
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and see how many
sex offenders live around you?
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Isn't it crazy?
Isn't it way more than you'd think?
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You think it might be like one or two.
No, it's like chicken pox.
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I went online, 15 child molesters.
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Fifteen child molesters
within five miles of my apartment.
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So, why do we always
have to meet at my place?
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And if you're wondering,
"Anthony, this is great,
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but are all of these jokes
gonna be about hurting children?"
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I don't know, probably.
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Seems like something I would do.
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I of course live in Los Angeles.
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I've got a nice place.
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Obviously.
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My brother's been staying with me,
which has been awful.
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My brother is crazy.
Even my neighbors hate him.
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The other day I opened the door,
I caught him masturbating.
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He looks me right in the eyes and goes,
"Shut the door."
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I said, "Get inside."
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My family loves it
when I put them in jokes. They love it.
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"Anthony, please,
put me in your next joke."
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"Are you sure? I'm gonna
make you a pedophile."
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"We don't care. We wanna be part
of this thing you've got going on."
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So I wrote that joke, put my brother in.
I'm in Chicago, where he lives.
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After the show, he comes backstage
and I say, "Mikey,
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what'd you think about that new joke?
Did you like the shout out?"
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And he gets all uncomfortable.
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He goes, "Well, crowd seemed
to think it was funny...
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but I think it's kinda weird
that you got a joke
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where you wanna fuck me."
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And I said, "What, Mikey? No!
No, Mikey. You're my brother.
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That's a joke about you
masturbating in front of my house."
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And he goes, "Yeah, and then
you're like, 'Get back inside.'"
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Just in case you guys are wondering
whether my brother's a fuckin' idiot.
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Yeah, I've got a nice place.
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Try to keep it nice.
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Not always successful.
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Like, I tried getting a puppy.
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Disaster.
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Had to get rid of that puppy.
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Had to get rid of that puppy
almost immediately.
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The first time I left it home alone,
the first time
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I left that puppy home alone,
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that damn thing
tore my entire place apart,
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shit everywhere,
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and starved to death.
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Why are you mad?
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I'm the one who couldn't
get his money back.
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And this is traditionally where
crowds really start to turn on me.
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After I kill a puppy with neglect.
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And it's okay.
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It's okay, you can get mad at me.
You can hate me.
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You can hate me and still laugh at me.
That's how talented I am.
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And I'm used to it. I'm used to it.
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I once dated a girl who punched me
in the face as hard as she could.
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Once dated a girl, punched me right
in the face as hard as she could.
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I didn't do anything about it.
I didn't say anything about it.
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I just turned around and left the room.
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But in my head, in my head,
all I was thinking was...
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"Now we're even."
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She was so mad.
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She got mad at me.
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She got mad at me
'cause I killed all of her plants.
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Killed every single one
of her house plants.
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And she had told me.
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She said, "Anthony,
I'm going out of town for two weeks.
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Give each one of these half a cup
of water every other day."
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But I'm a dude.
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All I heard was "two weeks"
and "cheat on me."
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Like my neighbors in L.A...
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My neighbors in L.A. have got this
smokin' hot 18-year-old daughter.
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I mean, she's perfect.
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But she just got a tattoo
of a butterfly over her chest.
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Which is horrible.
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Doesn't she understand how dumb
that's gonna look some day,
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all stretched out over my lamp?
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Yeah, that's a joke.
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That's a joke where I'm a serial killer.
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I'm very open about it.
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Don't you dare tighten up on me.
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I hate sensitivity.
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I hate it.
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Even when little kids get sensitive,
that makes me mad.
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I got a six-year-old nephew.
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I asked what he wants for
his birthday. He said, "Uncle Anthony,
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I want you to get me a Barbie doll."
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I said, "Fuck you."
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"You six-year-old piece of shit."
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And don't get me wrong.
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Don't get me wrong,
I don't care if he plays with dolls.
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He can wear dresses if he wants to.
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But I'm not getting him a Barbie doll.
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You see, Barbie dolls give little boys
unrealistic expectations...
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...of how easy it's gonna be
to tear off a head.
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I won't do it.
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I get really mad when people
get sensitive about comedy.
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If you're sensitive about comedy,
it's the dumbest thing you can do.
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I call them the joke police.
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They always have one rule,
one rule they have.
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You can't make fun of this right now.
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After a couple years,
they move on to something else,
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00:15:36,212 --> 00:15:39,549
which is why it's so hypocritical.
Like the thing today,
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the thing right now
you can't make fun of,
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the thing that's too sensitive
at this moment?
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Trans-gendered people.
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See?
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You can't do it.
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Can't make fun of them.
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00:15:55,731 --> 00:15:56,774
It's too sensitive.
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00:15:56,857 --> 00:16:00,987
In fact, you can't even call them
"chicks with dicks" anymore.
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No. No.
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You have to call them
"men who talk too much."
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Right?
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00:16:24,885 --> 00:16:26,721
But I hear this all the time.
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People'll be like,
"Anthony, that was really funny.
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00:16:32,352 --> 00:16:34,145
But, man, women must hate you.
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00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:39,359
Women must come to your shows
and hate the shit out of you."
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00:16:39,442 --> 00:16:42,612
And I always say, "No. No.
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Stupid women hate my shows."
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"Stupid women hate my shows.
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Smart women... don't come to my shows."
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Speaking of which, what's your name?
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- What? Kim.
- Kim.
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- Kim, where you from?
- San Jose.
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San Jose? Okay.
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What do you do, Kim?
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Um, I'm a branch manager.
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- Like for a bank? For a Pizza Hut?
- No, for...
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What? What the fuck?
Where'd you go to school?
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- UC Santa Cruz.
- What'd you study?
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- Economics.
- Economics? Okay.
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You ever gonna use that someday?
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I had to go to Catholic school
when I was a kid.
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Hated Catholic school.
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Hated Catholic school more than anything.
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The nuns were vicious.
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They would hit me with a ruler,
slap me in the face.
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Anything to defend themselves.
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You guys loved
the shit out of that one, huh?
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Hated school.
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00:17:54,475 --> 00:17:59,480
When I was in the fifth grade,
one of my classmates got cancer.
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Came down with the cancer.
240
00:18:03,777 --> 00:18:04,778
Which was sad.
241
00:18:05,445 --> 00:18:08,656
But the story is actually cool
and inspiring.
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Every single guy...
Every single guy in the school, we all...
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00:18:12,786 --> 00:18:15,413
shaved our heads to make fun of him.
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Yeah.
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No, it was great.
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It was great, we did it for like a month.
247
00:18:24,464 --> 00:18:27,592
We would have kept doin' it, but you know.
248
00:18:31,596 --> 00:18:33,139
You know how cancer gets.
249
00:18:35,809 --> 00:18:39,979
You guys ever... You guys ever
trace back your family history?
250
00:18:40,062 --> 00:18:42,482
Go back a couple generations
in your family tree,
251
00:18:42,565 --> 00:18:45,943
find out embarrassing shit
you wish you didn't know?
252
00:18:46,026 --> 00:18:50,114
I traced my family tree back,
found that I actually had family
253
00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:53,409
fighting on both sides in World War II.
254
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:55,328
Humiliating.
255
00:18:56,370 --> 00:19:01,375
The piece-of-shit side of my family fought
for the Nazi infantry in Germany,
256
00:19:01,459 --> 00:19:05,463
while the bad-ass Jeselniks
were here in America
257
00:19:05,546 --> 00:19:08,132
spying for the Germans.
258
00:19:14,555 --> 00:19:16,641
I assume everyone is drinking tonight?
259
00:19:16,850 --> 00:19:18,643
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
260
00:19:18,726 --> 00:19:19,686
Whoo!
261
00:19:19,853 --> 00:19:22,188
That's good. I love to drink.
262
00:19:22,772 --> 00:19:25,941
Love it. Do it all the time,
every day, always have.
263
00:19:27,943 --> 00:19:29,863
I don't know where it comes from either.
264
00:19:29,945 --> 00:19:31,614
Even my parents tell me,
265
00:19:31,698 --> 00:19:34,074
when I was just a little baby,
266
00:19:34,158 --> 00:19:36,870
I used to climb out of
my crib every morning,
267
00:19:36,952 --> 00:19:39,539
and then crawl over
to the liquor cabinet...
268
00:19:40,414 --> 00:19:42,166
to try to spend time with them.
269
00:19:47,296 --> 00:19:49,924
I like San Francisco, so liberal.
270
00:19:52,719 --> 00:19:56,972
So liberal. Clap your hands here.
Clap your hands if you own a gun.
271
00:20:01,477 --> 00:20:04,271
San Jose is in the house, huh?
272
00:20:10,361 --> 00:20:11,487
Not too bad.
273
00:20:13,113 --> 00:20:15,950
I once asked the crowd
in Houston that question.
274
00:20:17,493 --> 00:20:21,247
They just started firing guns in the air.
275
00:20:22,498 --> 00:20:25,334
Didn't even let me finish the question.
276
00:20:27,127 --> 00:20:29,964
I don't own a gun.
I'm against guns, to be honest.
277
00:20:31,131 --> 00:20:35,219
When I was a kid...
When I was a kid, my parents had a gun.
278
00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:37,304
My parents said we had to have a gun.
279
00:20:37,513 --> 00:20:40,307
Gotta have a gun to protect
the five children.
280
00:20:40,391 --> 00:20:43,811
Gotta have a gun
to protect our five children.
281
00:20:43,895 --> 00:20:46,480
Of course, they eventually
got rid of it...
282
00:20:47,398 --> 00:20:49,024
to protect their four children.
283
00:20:57,241 --> 00:20:59,619
I'm not gonna lie,
it was fun while it lasted.
284
00:21:02,622 --> 00:21:04,624
I was getting pretty good towards the end.
285
00:21:08,252 --> 00:21:09,921
Man, my parents were strict.
286
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:13,340
Mom and dad were strict.
287
00:21:13,424 --> 00:21:17,219
My mom and dad once made me smoke
an entire pack of cigarettes.
288
00:21:17,303 --> 00:21:20,431
An entire pack of cigarettes
in one sitting.
289
00:21:20,514 --> 00:21:24,685
Just to teach me an important lesson
about brand loyalty.
290
00:21:30,107 --> 00:21:32,526
I learned a lot from my parents.
291
00:21:32,610 --> 00:21:34,361
Especially my dad.
292
00:21:34,445 --> 00:21:35,989
Like, I'll never forget...
293
00:21:36,823 --> 00:21:39,951
the first time I ever got
a bad report card in school.
294
00:21:40,034 --> 00:21:42,954
First time I got a bad report card,
I brought it home,
295
00:21:43,037 --> 00:21:45,957
I gave it to my dad
and my dad beat me.
296
00:21:46,749 --> 00:21:47,875
Beat the hell out of me.
297
00:21:48,501 --> 00:21:49,836
But I learned something.
298
00:21:50,670 --> 00:21:53,464
Because the next time I got
a bad report card in school,
299
00:21:53,547 --> 00:21:56,467
I brought it home
and I gave it to my mom.
300
00:21:59,053 --> 00:22:00,513
Let her take the hit.
301
00:22:09,856 --> 00:22:10,857
Yeah.
302
00:22:12,274 --> 00:22:14,027
My dad was a hard-ass.
303
00:22:15,028 --> 00:22:18,781
One of those guys who believed that
men just learn by doing things.
304
00:22:18,865 --> 00:22:21,116
You know? You don't take classes.
305
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:22,952
You don't read the instructions.
306
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,746
You just do it and figure it out.
307
00:22:25,830 --> 00:22:29,333
Like, when I was a kid,
I never got to take swimming lessons.
308
00:22:29,416 --> 00:22:32,586
No, my dad would pick me up
and throw me in the water
309
00:22:32,670 --> 00:22:34,964
to teach himself CPR.
310
00:22:42,513 --> 00:22:43,973
As a kid, my dad's prized possession,
311
00:22:44,181 --> 00:22:46,433
my dad's favorite thing
in the world growing up?
312
00:22:46,517 --> 00:22:51,022
My dad was the proud owner
of a Mickey Mantle rookie card.
313
00:22:51,689 --> 00:22:55,192
Mickey Mantle rookie
baseball card, mint condition.
314
00:22:55,317 --> 00:22:57,653
Kept it between two
little pieces of plastic.
315
00:22:58,696 --> 00:22:59,822
But I was a kid.
316
00:23:01,074 --> 00:23:02,575
I didn't know any better.
317
00:23:02,783 --> 00:23:06,746
One day I took that card to school
and I traded it to a classmate
318
00:23:06,829 --> 00:23:08,205
for a candy bar.
319
00:23:09,540 --> 00:23:11,584
You know what that card is worth today?
320
00:23:12,877 --> 00:23:14,921
My relationship with my father.
321
00:23:23,554 --> 00:23:25,347
I mean it, my dad was no joke.
322
00:23:26,557 --> 00:23:28,225
My dad did not fuck around.
323
00:23:29,184 --> 00:23:31,395
My dad did not trust anybody.
324
00:23:31,604 --> 00:23:34,107
My dad did not trust anyone.
325
00:23:34,189 --> 00:23:36,442
In fact, he had a saying...
326
00:23:37,443 --> 00:23:39,112
but he wouldn't tell me.
327
00:23:45,034 --> 00:23:47,912
What, too clever for you?
That joke is fuckin' amazing.
328
00:23:53,250 --> 00:23:56,670
Last year was a sad year for my family.
329
00:23:57,630 --> 00:24:01,134
Last year, my mom should've been
celebrating her 60th birthday.
330
00:24:02,093 --> 00:24:06,680
But because of drugs, alcohol
and other terrible decisions,
331
00:24:06,764 --> 00:24:08,015
we all forgot.
332
00:24:15,898 --> 00:24:16,983
It was sad.
333
00:24:19,068 --> 00:24:21,570
When I was a kid, I used to fantasize
about getting older,
334
00:24:21,654 --> 00:24:23,280
growing up and having money,
335
00:24:23,363 --> 00:24:26,159
and buying my mom
nice things for her birthday.
336
00:24:26,241 --> 00:24:28,119
When I was a kid, we were poor.
337
00:24:28,202 --> 00:24:31,205
So poor I remember,
just so I could go to my senior prom,
338
00:24:31,288 --> 00:24:34,083
just so I could go to my senior prom,
339
00:24:34,167 --> 00:24:37,252
I had to sell my
U.S. passport on the street.
340
00:24:38,295 --> 00:24:41,757
Sold my passport
on the street for 300 bucks
341
00:24:41,841 --> 00:24:43,383
to get to go to my prom.
342
00:24:43,968 --> 00:24:47,096
Of course this was before 9/11 so...
343
00:24:47,638 --> 00:24:49,598
my bad, everybody.
344
00:24:52,685 --> 00:24:55,104
Weird joke to clap for, but sure.
345
00:24:56,689 --> 00:25:00,442
My mom should've been on one
of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
346
00:25:02,153 --> 00:25:03,487
I think.
347
00:25:09,118 --> 00:25:11,704
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I loved my mother.
348
00:25:12,454 --> 00:25:16,125
She was my mom, of course
I loved her. We fought a lot.
349
00:25:16,209 --> 00:25:18,127
My mom could be very racist.
350
00:25:18,211 --> 00:25:19,753
Very racist.
351
00:25:19,837 --> 00:25:21,672
And I do not tolerate racism.
352
00:25:22,631 --> 00:25:24,299
That's ignorance and I hate that.
353
00:25:25,300 --> 00:25:29,429
When I was a kid, like nine years old,
I'd come home after school.
354
00:25:29,513 --> 00:25:33,475
Once in a while, I'd bring a friend
over to play with me at my house.
355
00:25:33,559 --> 00:25:36,187
Once in a while,
I'd bring a black friend over.
356
00:25:36,270 --> 00:25:38,898
And when I did that,
my mom would act weird.
357
00:25:39,439 --> 00:25:43,236
She'd pull me aside and say,
"Anthony, who's your new friend?
358
00:25:43,944 --> 00:25:45,529
Is he a drug dealer?"
359
00:25:46,613 --> 00:25:49,491
And I would say,
"Shut up, Mom, that's racist.
360
00:25:49,575 --> 00:25:50,868
Put your money away."
361
00:25:58,417 --> 00:26:01,712
I never get to see
my family anymore, really.
362
00:26:01,795 --> 00:26:03,797
Most of them are in jail, to be honest.
363
00:26:04,715 --> 00:26:07,634
And we never talk, write letters
or any of that shit.
364
00:26:08,219 --> 00:26:11,138
'Cause they're all in jail
for the exact same thing.
365
00:26:12,472 --> 00:26:13,682
My testimony.
366
00:26:25,485 --> 00:26:26,570
You.
367
00:26:29,740 --> 00:26:31,117
- What's your name?
- Melissa.
368
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,368
- Melissa, where you from?
- Santa Clara.
369
00:26:33,452 --> 00:26:36,496
- What do you do?
- I win things on the radio.
370
00:26:36,580 --> 00:26:38,874
- You win things on the radio?
- Yeah.
371
00:26:38,958 --> 00:26:41,961
Follow-up question,
how'd you get tickets to this?
372
00:26:45,131 --> 00:26:46,506
Let me ask you this.
373
00:26:46,590 --> 00:26:49,969
You ever, uh... you ever find a body
in the woods? Ever do that?
374
00:26:50,177 --> 00:26:51,470
No?
375
00:26:51,553 --> 00:26:54,181
It's okay. I have.
376
00:26:56,100 --> 00:26:58,560
I was walking
through the woods one day and...
377
00:26:58,644 --> 00:27:02,439
some poor bastard had stepped
in a bear trap or something.
378
00:27:03,316 --> 00:27:05,359
I never told anybody about it.
379
00:27:05,442 --> 00:27:08,821
But I went back there a week later,
and he was dead.
380
00:27:12,992 --> 00:27:14,201
Yeah.
381
00:27:16,329 --> 00:27:18,622
I do crazy shit like that all the time.
382
00:27:20,082 --> 00:27:21,708
What can I say? I'm wacky.
383
00:27:22,835 --> 00:27:25,171
The other night I was driving my car.
384
00:27:25,838 --> 00:27:28,507
I was driving my car
and I ran over a deer...
385
00:27:29,300 --> 00:27:31,510
a dear, dear friend.
386
00:27:37,474 --> 00:27:42,521
I'm torn constantly. At night, I do shows,
but during the day, I've got a hobby.
387
00:27:42,604 --> 00:27:45,107
During the day,
I go from town to town...
388
00:27:45,816 --> 00:27:48,110
and I shut down the local abortion clinic.
389
00:27:50,321 --> 00:27:52,447
You heard me.
390
00:27:52,614 --> 00:27:55,826
I shut down abortion clinics
everywhere I go.
391
00:27:55,909 --> 00:27:58,287
It's easy for me. I'm charming.
392
00:28:00,497 --> 00:28:03,959
I stand outside the front doors
all day long and...
393
00:28:04,043 --> 00:28:06,212
consistently underbid them.
394
00:28:18,265 --> 00:28:20,017
You guys mad about that one?
395
00:28:22,602 --> 00:28:24,521
It's gonna get so much fuckin' worse.
396
00:28:27,649 --> 00:28:30,444
Gotta talk to one more person.
397
00:28:30,527 --> 00:28:33,155
You, sir. What's your name?
398
00:28:33,239 --> 00:28:35,157
- Allan.
- Allan, where you from?
399
00:28:35,366 --> 00:28:37,243
- Frisco.
- Frisco.
400
00:28:43,999 --> 00:28:46,668
I can tell you're a local
'cause of how cool you are.
401
00:28:52,591 --> 00:28:54,343
What do you do, Frisco?
402
00:28:57,137 --> 00:28:59,890
- I fight fires. I fight fires.
- You what?
403
00:29:00,099 --> 00:29:02,309
You're a firefighter? Awesome.
404
00:29:08,899 --> 00:29:10,734
What do you wanna do?
405
00:29:15,614 --> 00:29:17,032
If you could do anything.
406
00:29:17,950 --> 00:29:21,078
If you could do any job in the world,
what would your dream job be?
407
00:29:21,161 --> 00:29:23,247
- Travel the world.
- Travel the world.
408
00:29:23,497 --> 00:29:25,458
It's good to have a dream.
I hope you go for it.
409
00:29:25,540 --> 00:29:28,127
It doesn't sound like
you're even gonna get close.
410
00:29:29,002 --> 00:29:31,713
I think you should do it.
Travel the world.
411
00:29:31,797 --> 00:29:35,550
Do it. Everyone should try
to live their dream, that's my point.
412
00:29:35,759 --> 00:29:37,010
Everyone.
413
00:29:37,511 --> 00:29:39,012
I get to live my dream.
414
00:29:39,096 --> 00:29:42,349
I mean, not when I'm in San Francisco,
but for the most part.
415
00:29:44,393 --> 00:29:46,186
Being a comedian was my dream.
416
00:29:47,020 --> 00:29:50,732
'Cause no one can tell me what to do.
That's all I cared about.
417
00:29:50,941 --> 00:29:53,777
Most people don't ever
try to live their dream.
418
00:29:53,860 --> 00:29:56,196
Lot of people try and they fail.
419
00:29:56,280 --> 00:30:00,326
Which I think is better,
more noble, more respectable.
420
00:30:00,534 --> 00:30:04,955
I had an uncle. All he ever dreamed about,
cared about, talked about...
421
00:30:05,164 --> 00:30:07,707
wanted to become an astronaut.
422
00:30:07,791 --> 00:30:09,668
Fly into space one day.
423
00:30:09,751 --> 00:30:10,961
And he went for it.
424
00:30:11,545 --> 00:30:12,629
He went for it.
425
00:30:13,380 --> 00:30:16,258
And he failed. He blew it.
426
00:30:17,259 --> 00:30:20,762
Ended up becoming one of those pussies...
427
00:30:20,846 --> 00:30:23,265
...on the Space Shuttle Challenger.
428
00:30:26,852 --> 00:30:29,188
You guys remember that, right?
429
00:30:32,525 --> 00:30:33,817
I think it's funny.
430
00:30:35,235 --> 00:30:38,738
I think it's funny how the things
that happen to us when we're kids
431
00:30:38,822 --> 00:30:41,450
end up staying with us
for our entire lives.
432
00:30:42,576 --> 00:30:44,286
I got this little niece.
433
00:30:44,370 --> 00:30:47,122
When she was three years old,
she almost drowned.
434
00:30:47,247 --> 00:30:50,209
And now to this day, even ten years later,
435
00:30:50,292 --> 00:30:53,753
she still will not go anywhere near me.
436
00:31:02,888 --> 00:31:04,764
Yeah, I was babysitting her...
437
00:31:05,682 --> 00:31:07,351
and trying to do laundry.
438
00:31:10,979 --> 00:31:13,899
And she accidentally
fell into the washing machine.
439
00:31:14,608 --> 00:31:17,944
Thought I was quick. I got good reflexes.
I thought I got her out
440
00:31:18,028 --> 00:31:22,408
before anyone would find out
what happened, but nope.
441
00:31:22,491 --> 00:31:24,117
Turned everything pink.
442
00:31:34,711 --> 00:31:37,881
You're gonna find out a lot
about yourselves on this next one.
443
00:31:44,721 --> 00:31:46,390
Hey, did you guys know...
444
00:31:49,017 --> 00:31:51,937
Did you guys know
that when a newborn baby...
445
00:31:53,188 --> 00:31:55,649
when a newborn baby is first born,
446
00:31:55,732 --> 00:31:58,611
when it's fresh out of the womb...
447
00:31:58,693 --> 00:32:02,072
it can actually hear and see
everything around it...
448
00:32:02,781 --> 00:32:06,368
for up to ten seconds
after it's decapitated?
449
00:32:13,083 --> 00:32:14,084
Yeah.
450
00:32:16,878 --> 00:32:17,879
Yeah.
451
00:32:18,755 --> 00:32:20,591
I never know what to say.
452
00:32:22,217 --> 00:32:26,430
I never know what to say to someone
after they've lost a baby.
453
00:32:26,513 --> 00:32:29,558
What do you say to someone
after they've lost a baby?
454
00:32:29,642 --> 00:32:31,393
"Oh, I'm sorry for your loss"?
455
00:32:31,477 --> 00:32:32,478
Doesn't cut it.
456
00:32:32,686 --> 00:32:35,397
"Are you gonna be okay?" Not even close.
457
00:32:35,481 --> 00:32:38,317
That's why I just keep my mouth shut.
458
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:40,235
Let my lawyer do the talking.
459
00:32:47,576 --> 00:32:50,579
I'm not good with kids. That's my point.
460
00:32:53,206 --> 00:32:56,669
That's what this whole thing's about.
I'm not good with kids. Not gonna lie.
461
00:32:58,295 --> 00:33:01,715
Hell, a couple of months ago,
I dropped my cousin's baby.
462
00:33:01,798 --> 00:33:04,926
Flat-out dropped
my cousin's baby on the ground.
463
00:33:05,719 --> 00:33:08,096
But I don't feel like that was my fault.
464
00:33:08,180 --> 00:33:11,266
I don't feel responsible
for that one, you know?
465
00:33:11,350 --> 00:33:13,393
Who in their right mind...
466
00:33:13,477 --> 00:33:16,730
who the hell in their right mind
would ever ask me,
467
00:33:16,813 --> 00:33:18,732
Anthony Jeselnik,
468
00:33:18,815 --> 00:33:20,526
to be a pallbearer?
469
00:33:24,779 --> 00:33:26,699
It's okay, people hate...
470
00:33:27,574 --> 00:33:29,284
people hate dead baby jokes.
471
00:33:30,827 --> 00:33:31,995
They hate them.
472
00:33:32,954 --> 00:33:34,080
They hate them.
473
00:33:34,748 --> 00:33:37,834
It's like, "Anthony, why do you have
to tell dead baby jokes?
474
00:33:37,917 --> 00:33:40,003
Why do you have so many dead baby jokes?"
475
00:33:42,839 --> 00:33:45,967
"No one likes them, why do you insist?"
476
00:33:46,051 --> 00:33:48,178
Well, I'll tell you why.
477
00:33:48,261 --> 00:33:51,139
Because dead baby jokes have made me rich.
478
00:33:58,564 --> 00:33:59,690
And who was it?
479
00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:03,569
Who was it who said
the first million is the hardest?
480
00:34:04,486 --> 00:34:05,696
Was it Hitler?
481
00:34:14,913 --> 00:34:17,082
Didn't see that one coming, did you?
482
00:34:21,086 --> 00:34:22,546
That was a good response.
483
00:34:23,797 --> 00:34:26,466
Most audiences
just pretend I didn't say it.
484
00:34:29,928 --> 00:34:32,514
But I like it. I like making Hitler jokes.
485
00:34:33,432 --> 00:34:34,725
It's cool for me.
486
00:34:35,684 --> 00:34:38,144
I enjoy it. Hell, I lost my grandfather.
487
00:34:38,353 --> 00:34:41,481
I lost my grandfather
in the Holocaust Museum.
488
00:34:47,279 --> 00:34:49,823
It was the Holocaust Museum of Modern Art.
489
00:34:53,285 --> 00:34:56,622
Which is just like
a normal Holocaust museum,
490
00:34:56,705 --> 00:34:59,708
except you walk around all day
being like, "Oh!
491
00:34:59,792 --> 00:35:01,835
I should have thought of that."
492
00:35:10,051 --> 00:35:12,471
My grandmother died about a year ago.
493
00:35:13,430 --> 00:35:16,266
And I didn't think
anything could ever be worse
494
00:35:16,349 --> 00:35:18,769
than when my grandmother passed away.
495
00:35:18,852 --> 00:35:20,687
But I was wrong.
496
00:35:20,771 --> 00:35:22,063
It was fine.
497
00:35:29,070 --> 00:35:31,657
The hard part, the upsetting part...
498
00:35:32,532 --> 00:35:36,995
was that we thought she died
in the way that she wanted.
499
00:35:37,078 --> 00:35:40,165
She wanted to die
in the best way possible, like uh...
500
00:35:40,791 --> 00:35:43,752
You, radio winner.
What's the best way you can die?
501
00:35:44,753 --> 00:35:46,755
This is not a trick question.
502
00:35:47,964 --> 00:35:50,676
- In your sleep?
- Yes, thank you.
503
00:35:50,884 --> 00:35:54,929
Thank you, everybody wants
to die peacefully in their sleep.
504
00:35:55,889 --> 00:35:56,807
Not me.
505
00:35:57,015 --> 00:36:00,727
I want to be alert, awake,
surrounded by friends,
506
00:36:00,811 --> 00:36:01,978
in a house fire.
507
00:36:06,608 --> 00:36:09,319
But my grandmother
wanted to go peacefully in her sleep.
508
00:36:09,402 --> 00:36:13,281
We thought that's how she went.
We were all excited for her.
509
00:36:14,491 --> 00:36:16,201
But then we did an autopsy.
510
00:36:17,076 --> 00:36:21,206
Found out she actually died horribly,
in the worst way possible.
511
00:36:22,749 --> 00:36:24,584
During an autopsy.
512
00:36:27,337 --> 00:36:28,588
It was fucked up.
513
00:36:29,172 --> 00:36:30,465
Yeah.
514
00:36:30,590 --> 00:36:31,925
Yeah.
515
00:36:33,593 --> 00:36:37,472
She always said her grandkids
didn't pay enough attention to her and...
516
00:36:38,431 --> 00:36:39,516
and she was right.
517
00:36:39,599 --> 00:36:41,059
She was dead on.
518
00:36:43,019 --> 00:36:46,690
But I loved my grandma.
Loved her very much.
519
00:36:46,773 --> 00:36:49,025
My grandma taught me about a lot.
520
00:36:49,108 --> 00:36:50,777
Taught me what religion is.
521
00:36:50,985 --> 00:36:53,864
Taught me everything
you can know about religion,
522
00:36:53,947 --> 00:36:56,324
in one quick story. I'll tell you now.
523
00:36:57,325 --> 00:36:59,536
When I graduated from high school...
524
00:36:59,619 --> 00:37:03,081
When I graduated, my grandma came to me,
gave me a big hug,
525
00:37:03,164 --> 00:37:05,792
said, "Anthony, I'm so proud of you.
526
00:37:05,876 --> 00:37:08,420
You're my first grandchild
to get to go to college.
527
00:37:08,503 --> 00:37:12,549
What can I do for you, what can I give you
before you go to college?"
528
00:37:12,632 --> 00:37:16,302
And I said, "Honestly, Grandma,
all I need from you is money."
529
00:37:17,387 --> 00:37:21,975
Yeah, I know you guys have never been,
but college is expensive.
530
00:37:25,186 --> 00:37:28,022
And my grandma said,
"Okay, Anthony, I understand."
531
00:37:28,607 --> 00:37:31,192
Couple months go by.
It's the end of summer.
532
00:37:31,276 --> 00:37:34,988
I'm packing up my dad's car,
getting ready to go to school,
533
00:37:35,071 --> 00:37:36,698
and my grandma walks up.
534
00:37:36,782 --> 00:37:39,910
Says, "Anthony, here,
before you leave, take this."
535
00:37:40,827 --> 00:37:43,789
And she handed me a brand-new Bible.
536
00:37:44,456 --> 00:37:45,958
King James Version.
537
00:37:46,917 --> 00:37:49,962
And I said, "Thanks, Grandma,
that's exactly what we talked about."
538
00:37:56,509 --> 00:37:58,762
I got in the car and I went off to school.
539
00:37:58,971 --> 00:38:00,847
Couple of weeks go by,
540
00:38:00,931 --> 00:38:05,727
I'm hanging out in my dorm room,
having a good time, when the phone rings.
541
00:38:05,811 --> 00:38:07,020
It's my grandma.
542
00:38:07,938 --> 00:38:10,649
"Anthony, just calling
to see how college is going."
543
00:38:10,732 --> 00:38:13,986
"Grandma, college is the best.
I'm having the time of my life.
544
00:38:14,068 --> 00:38:17,656
But to be honest, I'm starting
to run low on money,
545
00:38:17,739 --> 00:38:20,408
and I could use a little bit,
like we talked about."
546
00:38:21,034 --> 00:38:23,912
She said, "Okay, well let me ask you this:
547
00:38:23,996 --> 00:38:26,581
Have you been reading your Bible?"
548
00:38:27,332 --> 00:38:30,627
And I said, "Totally, Grandma,
I'm on chapter four."
549
00:38:36,049 --> 00:38:39,511
She said, "Okay, Anthony,
I guess I'll talk to you later."
550
00:38:39,594 --> 00:38:40,679
Hung up the phone.
551
00:38:41,554 --> 00:38:45,600
Couple of months go by. Now I'm really
starting to struggle financially.
552
00:38:45,809 --> 00:38:50,730
Might have to drop out of school,
so I call my grandma in a panic.
553
00:38:50,814 --> 00:38:54,901
I say, "Please, it's Anthony.
I'm having the time of my life in college.
554
00:38:54,985 --> 00:38:57,029
But if I wanna graduate, and I do,
555
00:38:57,111 --> 00:39:01,199
I need you to send me some money
like we talked about."
556
00:39:01,407 --> 00:39:06,412
She said, "Anthony, let me ask you this:
Have you been reading your Bible?"
557
00:39:06,496 --> 00:39:09,624
And I said, "Yes, Grandma!
I wish it was longer!"
558
00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:18,842
And she said, "Okay, Anthony.
I guess I'll talk to you later."
559
00:39:20,259 --> 00:39:22,261
Finally, it's the end of the school year.
560
00:39:22,345 --> 00:39:25,223
I've got straight A's,
but I'm dropping out of college,
561
00:39:25,431 --> 00:39:27,141
'cause I have no more money left.
562
00:39:27,225 --> 00:39:31,396
And I'm furious, close to tears,
cleaning out my dorm room,
563
00:39:31,479 --> 00:39:34,148
when the phone rings. It's my grandma.
564
00:39:35,191 --> 00:39:39,029
"Anthony, I heard you're dropping out
of school today. How come?"
565
00:39:39,112 --> 00:39:42,365
And I said, "You know
goddamn well how come, Grandma!
566
00:39:44,242 --> 00:39:47,037
'Cause you wouldn't give me any money."
567
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:51,875
She said, "Anthony, let me ask you this:
Did you read your Bible?"
568
00:39:51,958 --> 00:39:55,045
And I just hung up the phone.
I was so pissed off.
569
00:39:55,795 --> 00:39:57,213
Took everything out of that room.
570
00:39:57,296 --> 00:40:00,967
Last thing I took off the shelf,
the last thing I took out of that room,
571
00:40:01,051 --> 00:40:03,344
was that Bible my grandma had given me.
572
00:40:03,553 --> 00:40:07,348
Took it off the shelf,
held it in my hands,
573
00:40:07,432 --> 00:40:10,268
and for the first time,
I actually opened it up.
574
00:40:11,227 --> 00:40:16,232
And on the very first page,
in my grandmother's handwriting,
575
00:40:16,315 --> 00:40:17,859
it said, "Fuck you."
576
00:40:28,787 --> 00:40:30,080
Thank you everyone.
577
00:40:30,288 --> 00:40:33,708
I hope you enjoyed the jokes
I prepared for you tonight.
578
00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:45,678
And all the jokes I write,
they're all made up, they're all fake,
579
00:40:45,762 --> 00:40:47,806
except for Eric Clapton
and the Challenger.
580
00:40:47,889 --> 00:40:51,893
Everything else...
everything else is fake.
581
00:40:52,644 --> 00:40:54,520
But everything I'm about to tell you,
582
00:40:54,604 --> 00:40:57,398
from here until the end of the show,
that's all true.
583
00:40:58,191 --> 00:40:59,317
Now...
584
00:41:00,485 --> 00:41:03,321
I don't tell dark jokes
because I'm a comedian.
585
00:41:03,404 --> 00:41:06,158
I'm a comedian because I tell dark jokes.
586
00:41:07,117 --> 00:41:09,202
I'm kind of fucked up, all right?
587
00:41:09,285 --> 00:41:12,747
I've always been this way.
I can't really help myself.
588
00:41:12,831 --> 00:41:15,625
It gets me into trouble a lot.
I lose friends.
589
00:41:16,250 --> 00:41:18,670
It's ruined relationships
with people in my family.
590
00:41:18,753 --> 00:41:22,215
For instance, my grandmother
actually did pass away,
591
00:41:22,298 --> 00:41:23,842
about six months ago.
592
00:41:23,925 --> 00:41:27,220
I did love her very much.
She was a big fan of mine.
593
00:41:27,303 --> 00:41:30,098
And I was asked to speak at her funeral,
594
00:41:30,182 --> 00:41:32,017
which was a horrible mistake.
595
00:41:34,268 --> 00:41:36,021
Horrible mistake.
596
00:41:36,104 --> 00:41:39,357
No one should ever ask me
to speak at anyone's funeral.
597
00:41:40,066 --> 00:41:41,400
I asked a friend for advice.
598
00:41:41,609 --> 00:41:43,903
Was like, "I've never
talked to a group of people
599
00:41:43,987 --> 00:41:47,573
without getting paid a lot of money.
How should I handle this?"
600
00:41:47,657 --> 00:41:50,368
"Anthony, just go up there
and tell a story.
601
00:41:51,119 --> 00:41:55,331
Find one moment about you and your grandma
you can share with everybody.
602
00:41:55,540 --> 00:41:57,959
And don't tell a joke. Try not to."
603
00:41:58,043 --> 00:42:01,796
So I walked up and was like,
"You know what my favorite memory was?
604
00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:04,716
When I was like four years old,
before I learned to read,
605
00:42:04,799 --> 00:42:07,010
Grandma would curl up with me
on the couch,
606
00:42:07,093 --> 00:42:09,804
she had this Southern accent,
and she would read to me.
607
00:42:09,888 --> 00:42:13,307
She would read Mark Twain to me,
and I loved it. Like...
608
00:42:13,391 --> 00:42:16,978
Mark Twain out of my grandma's mouth,
it would just come to life."
609
00:42:17,062 --> 00:42:19,522
And then I couldn't help myself.
610
00:42:19,605 --> 00:42:22,608
I said,
"And I know my grandma loved it too,
611
00:42:22,692 --> 00:42:25,778
because it combined
her two favorite things:
612
00:42:25,862 --> 00:42:29,991
spending time with her grandchildren,
and using the 'N' word."
613
00:42:43,379 --> 00:42:46,883
Now I promise you... I promise you...
614
00:42:47,092 --> 00:42:50,428
until you've heard your grandfather gasp
615
00:42:50,511 --> 00:42:52,555
at his own wife's funeral...
616
00:42:54,807 --> 00:42:57,852
...at a Methodist Church
in Vicksburg, Mississippi...
617
00:42:59,395 --> 00:43:01,314
you are not a real comedian.
618
00:43:03,149 --> 00:43:06,194
I am a real comedian.
619
00:43:06,278 --> 00:43:08,071
I am a pure comedian.
620
00:43:08,863 --> 00:43:11,449
I think I'm one of the best
comedians of all time.
621
00:43:16,996 --> 00:43:18,998
But here's the thing.
622
00:43:19,082 --> 00:43:21,626
It doesn't matter if you believe me.
623
00:43:21,709 --> 00:43:23,502
It really doesn't matter.
624
00:43:23,586 --> 00:43:27,257
The important thing is that
I would pass a lie detector test.
625
00:43:31,427 --> 00:43:33,763
I like to test myself.
626
00:43:33,846 --> 00:43:38,684
I like to test myself by joking
about horrible things and nothing but.
627
00:43:38,768 --> 00:43:41,187
One of my favorite ways to test myself,
628
00:43:41,271 --> 00:43:44,857
I like to joke about tragedies
the day that they happen.
629
00:43:45,608 --> 00:43:47,360
The day they happen.
630
00:43:47,443 --> 00:43:50,989
I don't believe in too soon.
I'm on a tight schedule.
631
00:43:54,575 --> 00:43:57,662
And I'm good at it. I'm good at it.
632
00:43:57,745 --> 00:43:59,831
Like, the day of...
633
00:43:59,914 --> 00:44:03,793
the day of the Aurora, Colorado
Batman movie theater shooting.
634
00:44:05,337 --> 00:44:08,881
The day it happened,
I went online, I went on Twitter,
635
00:44:08,965 --> 00:44:12,426
and I tweeted "Other than that,
how was the movie?"
636
00:44:15,805 --> 00:44:16,722
Right?
637
00:44:18,683 --> 00:44:20,185
Right? Nailed it.
638
00:44:21,811 --> 00:44:23,229
Nailed it.
639
00:44:25,606 --> 00:44:28,360
And the reason I get away with that...
640
00:44:28,567 --> 00:44:32,613
the reason I get away with stuff like that
is I'm just the guy who does it.
641
00:44:32,697 --> 00:44:36,659
People are used to it from me.
It would be weird if I didn't make a joke
642
00:44:36,742 --> 00:44:38,203
the day of a tragedy.
643
00:44:38,995 --> 00:44:41,080
Which is why I was very surprised
644
00:44:41,164 --> 00:44:45,377
when I got in a lot of trouble
the day of the Boston Marathon.
645
00:44:47,461 --> 00:44:50,173
Now, I don't follow the news regularly.
646
00:44:50,840 --> 00:44:53,759
But I know the second a tragedy happens
647
00:44:53,843 --> 00:44:58,139
because I get 25 text messages
saying, "Don't do it."
648
00:45:07,857 --> 00:45:12,486
And whenever I see that...
whenever I see that, it makes me sad.
649
00:45:12,570 --> 00:45:15,448
It makes me sad 'cause I know
something horrible has happened.
650
00:45:15,531 --> 00:45:18,243
People will say, "Anthony,
what's funny about Aurora?
651
00:45:18,326 --> 00:45:20,453
What's funny about the Boston Marathon?
652
00:45:20,536 --> 00:45:22,621
What's funny about
your grandmother's funeral?"
653
00:45:22,705 --> 00:45:23,915
Nothing!
654
00:45:23,998 --> 00:45:26,418
Nothing is funny about those things.
655
00:45:27,293 --> 00:45:28,627
That's where I come in.
656
00:45:31,881 --> 00:45:35,634
So I see these texts and I'm like,
"Oh, no, what happened?"
657
00:45:35,718 --> 00:45:37,845
But I also think, "I've got a job to do."
658
00:45:40,139 --> 00:45:42,434
So I go online, I start reading about it.
659
00:45:42,516 --> 00:45:45,644
I don't want to watch the footage.
But I'll read about what happened.
660
00:45:45,853 --> 00:45:48,940
And I think, "How can I make
someone laugh today?"
661
00:45:50,816 --> 00:45:52,444
And then I think, "I got it."
662
00:45:53,527 --> 00:45:55,196
I go back on Twitter.
663
00:45:55,863 --> 00:46:00,952
And I tweet, "Guys, today, there are just
some lines that should not be crossed."
664
00:46:12,088 --> 00:46:14,924
"Especially the finish line."
665
00:46:15,007 --> 00:46:19,304
And again, I think,
"Nailed it. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!"
666
00:46:23,557 --> 00:46:25,310
But then my phone starts to ring.
667
00:46:26,060 --> 00:46:27,520
And it's my boss.
668
00:46:28,146 --> 00:46:30,564
Or should I say my former boss.
669
00:46:33,485 --> 00:46:36,279
And they say,
"Anthony, this is unacceptable.
670
00:46:36,362 --> 00:46:38,572
You are not just a comedian today.
671
00:46:38,656 --> 00:46:41,451
You're also the host of your own TV show,
672
00:46:41,534 --> 00:46:44,412
with your name in the title,
on our network.
673
00:46:44,496 --> 00:46:47,499
You take this joke down right now
or you're fired."
674
00:46:47,581 --> 00:46:50,626
And I say, "Go fuck yourselves."
675
00:46:59,677 --> 00:47:03,722
And I meant it. I didn't
get into comedy for money or fame.
676
00:47:03,931 --> 00:47:07,560
I know that sounds wrong,
because I'm dripping with both.
677
00:47:11,063 --> 00:47:13,566
I only got into this business
678
00:47:13,649 --> 00:47:15,860
so that no one could tell me what to do.
679
00:47:15,943 --> 00:47:19,947
And they said... Sure.
680
00:47:22,908 --> 00:47:25,828
They said, "Well, Anthony,
you don't understand.
681
00:47:25,911 --> 00:47:28,747
You don't understand at all. If you don't
take this joke down right now,
682
00:47:28,831 --> 00:47:32,377
if you don't delete this joke right now,
not only are you fired,
683
00:47:32,460 --> 00:47:35,505
but the entire cast and crew
of your television show,
684
00:47:35,588 --> 00:47:39,217
about a hundred people,
they're also out of a job."
685
00:47:39,884 --> 00:47:43,555
And I'm ashamed to tell you this.
I'm embarrassed to admit it.
686
00:47:43,637 --> 00:47:47,850
But in that moment, I folded,
and I deleted the joke.
687
00:47:48,851 --> 00:47:51,270
'Cause I'm happy to fight
for what I believe in.
688
00:47:51,354 --> 00:47:53,606
I'm happy to take the consequences
for what I've done.
689
00:47:53,689 --> 00:47:57,902
But what I could not do, cannot do,
is walk up to my cameraman
690
00:47:57,985 --> 00:48:00,863
and say, "Hey, buddy,
no work for you on Monday.
691
00:48:00,946 --> 00:48:02,698
I had this sweet tweet."
692
00:48:06,494 --> 00:48:08,120
Couldn't do it.
693
00:48:10,248 --> 00:48:13,834
But as soon as I hit delete,
I got mad and I regretted it.
694
00:48:13,918 --> 00:48:17,671
I would fire every single one of those
fucking assholes now, I'll tell ya that.
695
00:48:20,007 --> 00:48:23,844
And I got mad for betraying myself
and everything I believe in.
696
00:48:23,928 --> 00:48:26,847
I'm just as mad today as I was then.
Just as mad.
697
00:48:27,056 --> 00:48:29,683
So mad, I had to have a meeting
with the network,
698
00:48:29,767 --> 00:48:32,645
where they called me in
for a little lecture.
699
00:48:32,728 --> 00:48:34,939
They're like, "Anthony, we're family.
700
00:48:35,022 --> 00:48:36,774
Why are you so upset?
701
00:48:36,857 --> 00:48:38,526
Can't you see we did you a favor?
702
00:48:38,734 --> 00:48:41,529
Don't you worry about your career?"
703
00:48:41,613 --> 00:48:44,449
Let me ask you, San Francisco,
704
00:48:44,532 --> 00:48:47,076
do I seem like I worry about my career?
705
00:48:52,998 --> 00:48:53,874
No.
706
00:48:54,584 --> 00:48:58,921
You know why people who win the lottery
always end up going bankrupt?
707
00:48:59,130 --> 00:49:01,507
Because if they're worried
about their money,
708
00:49:01,591 --> 00:49:04,802
they wouldn't have played the lottery
in the first fuckin' place.
709
00:49:07,721 --> 00:49:10,057
I do not worry about my career.
710
00:49:10,891 --> 00:49:13,018
And they said, "Anthony, the problem is
711
00:49:13,227 --> 00:49:16,730
when you make a joke on Twitter
the day of a tragedy,
712
00:49:16,814 --> 00:49:19,942
it seems like you're
making fun of the victims,
713
00:49:20,025 --> 00:49:21,402
and that's wrong."
714
00:49:23,404 --> 00:49:24,822
But that's not what I'm doing.
715
00:49:25,698 --> 00:49:28,493
Because, you see, the day of a tragedy,
716
00:49:28,576 --> 00:49:31,621
victims are not on Twitter.
717
00:49:36,208 --> 00:49:37,710
Am I wrong?
718
00:49:37,793 --> 00:49:39,044
Tell me I'm wrong.
719
00:49:40,463 --> 00:49:44,300
The day of a tragedy,
victims have got victim shit to do.
720
00:49:47,136 --> 00:49:48,012
No one is ever...
721
00:49:48,095 --> 00:49:51,807
No one is ever putting on a tourniquet,
asking, "Hey, are we trending?"
722
00:49:51,890 --> 00:49:53,851
No.
723
00:49:55,811 --> 00:49:57,896
This is who I'm making fun of
724
00:49:57,980 --> 00:50:00,608
when I make a joke on Twitter
the day of a tragedy.
725
00:50:00,692 --> 00:50:03,861
The people who see
something horrible happen in the world
726
00:50:03,944 --> 00:50:05,988
and they run to the Internet.
727
00:50:06,071 --> 00:50:10,201
And they run to their social media,
Facebook, Twitter, whatever they got.
728
00:50:10,284 --> 00:50:14,539
And they all write down
the exact same thing:
729
00:50:16,790 --> 00:50:18,710
"My thoughts and prayers..."
730
00:50:20,753 --> 00:50:23,756
"My thoughts and prayers
with the people in Aurora."
731
00:50:23,839 --> 00:50:27,635
"My thoughts and prayers
with the families in Boston."
732
00:50:27,719 --> 00:50:30,137
Do you know what that's worth?
733
00:50:30,221 --> 00:50:31,556
Fucking nothing.
734
00:50:34,016 --> 00:50:36,101
Fucking less than nothing.
735
00:50:38,437 --> 00:50:39,855
Less than nothing.
736
00:50:40,648 --> 00:50:44,026
You are not giving any of your time,
your money or even your compassion.
737
00:50:44,109 --> 00:50:47,279
All you are doing, all you are doing,
738
00:50:47,363 --> 00:50:50,866
is saying, "Don't forget about me today."
739
00:50:54,370 --> 00:50:56,247
"Don't forget about me."
740
00:51:02,253 --> 00:51:06,674
"Lots of crazy distractions in the news,
but don't forget how sads I am."
741
00:51:09,719 --> 00:51:13,472
Those people are worthless
and they deserve to be made fun of.
742
00:51:13,556 --> 00:51:17,476
They're like a wedding photographer
who only takes selfies.
743
00:51:17,643 --> 00:51:19,645
You understand?
744
00:51:22,648 --> 00:51:24,983
Now I'm sure everyone here
745
00:51:25,067 --> 00:51:28,153
has told a joke before
where nobody laughed at it.
746
00:51:28,904 --> 00:51:32,450
It's fine. It's embarrassing,
but it's fun. You can laugh at yourself.
747
00:51:32,533 --> 00:51:34,993
It's not a reason to stop telling jokes.
748
00:51:35,869 --> 00:51:40,499
Maybe some of you have told a joke before
where someone got mad at you for it.
749
00:51:40,583 --> 00:51:42,918
Trust me, that's fun too.
750
00:51:45,463 --> 00:51:48,758
You guys ever tell a joke
and then get death threats?
751
00:51:50,635 --> 00:51:54,639
Well, I guess that's what makes me me.
752
00:51:55,681 --> 00:51:57,683
On my television show,
753
00:51:57,767 --> 00:52:01,854
I once did a segment
that aired once and only once,
754
00:52:01,937 --> 00:52:05,817
before it was banned,
called "Shark Party." All right?
755
00:52:05,899 --> 00:52:08,611
Now...
756
00:52:10,070 --> 00:52:13,491
Some of you enjoyed it,
but if you've never seen "Shark Party,"
757
00:52:13,574 --> 00:52:16,285
you can never see "Shark Party."
758
00:52:16,494 --> 00:52:19,705
It's been wiped off the face of the earth
by the powers that be,
759
00:52:19,789 --> 00:52:21,666
so I will explain it to you.
760
00:52:22,333 --> 00:52:24,126
I love sharks.
761
00:52:24,209 --> 00:52:26,337
I love sharks more than anything.
762
00:52:26,420 --> 00:52:29,882
People... People I can
barely fucking tolerate.
763
00:52:31,592 --> 00:52:36,430
Every single year, 100 million sharks
are killed by human beings.
764
00:52:37,222 --> 00:52:40,976
Every year, 20,
25 people killed by sharks?
765
00:52:41,560 --> 00:52:44,647
So when I hear about a shark attack,
I'm like, "Fuck, yeah."
766
00:52:47,024 --> 00:52:48,776
Win one for the home team.
767
00:52:52,780 --> 00:52:55,366
So as soon as I get this show
where I can do what I want,
768
00:52:55,449 --> 00:52:56,617
I say, "You know what?
769
00:52:57,743 --> 00:52:59,912
I want to have a shark party.
770
00:52:59,995 --> 00:53:03,374
As soon as there's a shark attack,
we're having a shark party."
771
00:53:03,457 --> 00:53:05,710
And I get lucky.
772
00:53:06,168 --> 00:53:10,798
About a month into my run, this guy from
New Zealand gets eaten by a great white,
773
00:53:10,882 --> 00:53:12,925
the champagne of sharks.
774
00:53:16,804 --> 00:53:20,349
And I know exactly what to do.
I've already got the script written.
775
00:53:20,558 --> 00:53:22,894
I walk on stage,
in front of the cameras.
776
00:53:22,976 --> 00:53:24,812
I say, "Ladies and gentlemen,
777
00:53:24,896 --> 00:53:28,399
this guy from New Zealand
has been eaten by a great white shark.
778
00:53:28,482 --> 00:53:30,943
It's time for a shark party."
779
00:53:31,026 --> 00:53:34,572
Lights go down, music comes up.
780
00:53:34,655 --> 00:53:38,450
Six women wearing shark dresses
come out on either side of me,
781
00:53:38,534 --> 00:53:40,285
and we all start dancing.
782
00:53:41,036 --> 00:53:42,621
For way too long.
783
00:53:45,541 --> 00:53:51,046
A stripper wearing a giant shark head
runs out and gives me a lap dance.
784
00:53:51,129 --> 00:53:52,381
Very tasteful.
785
00:53:55,426 --> 00:53:59,847
And then I stand up and we show
a giant picture of the guy who got eaten.
786
00:53:59,931 --> 00:54:02,600
Which, in retrospect,
is where it all went wrong.
787
00:54:10,900 --> 00:54:13,819
But I get to say my favorite thing
I've ever said on television:
788
00:54:13,903 --> 00:54:16,655
"Smile, you son of a bitch. Shark party."
789
00:54:27,625 --> 00:54:32,588
And in America, where I'm famous
for those types of shenanigans...
790
00:54:33,631 --> 00:54:36,801
everybody was like,
"Anthony, that was fucked up."
791
00:54:38,218 --> 00:54:40,220
"It was fucked up to see you dance."
792
00:54:40,304 --> 00:54:43,265
End of controversy.
793
00:54:44,308 --> 00:54:48,771
However, in New Zealand,
where they don't get my show,
794
00:54:48,854 --> 00:54:52,566
they've never seen me,
and frankly, they don't get out much...
795
00:54:53,525 --> 00:54:56,528
the New Zealand media takes the video...
796
00:54:57,822 --> 00:55:00,491
and they show it to the guy's family.
797
00:55:02,326 --> 00:55:05,496
And they say,
"What do you guys think about this?"
798
00:55:05,579 --> 00:55:10,125
And they say, "Crikey," or whatever
the fuck they say over there.
799
00:55:14,254 --> 00:55:19,092
The point is, all of New Zealand,
all of New Zealand rises up against me.
800
00:55:19,176 --> 00:55:23,347
All 45 of those cunts rise up.
801
00:55:25,599 --> 00:55:27,559
And start threatening my life.
802
00:55:28,560 --> 00:55:32,606
Now, I don't read the things that people
write about me on the Internet.
803
00:55:33,398 --> 00:55:35,275
But I pay people who do.
804
00:55:36,735 --> 00:55:38,737
And they come to me,
and they're like,
805
00:55:38,821 --> 00:55:41,406
"We've got some terrible news.
Please sit down."
806
00:55:42,199 --> 00:55:45,243
They say, "You are getting
a lot of death threats online
807
00:55:45,327 --> 00:55:47,913
from New Zealand
because of 'Shark Party.'"
808
00:55:47,997 --> 00:55:51,500
And I was like, "Really?
New Zealand wants to kill me?
809
00:55:51,583 --> 00:55:55,504
That's weird because
they didn't even kill the shark."
810
00:56:00,926 --> 00:56:03,721
I said, "How many
death threats am I getting?"
811
00:56:03,804 --> 00:56:08,141
And they were like "Oh, all of them.
You are getting all of the death threats.
812
00:56:08,225 --> 00:56:11,395
What do you want us to do?
We can send someone to talk to them.
813
00:56:11,478 --> 00:56:13,146
Extra security? What do you want?"
814
00:56:13,230 --> 00:56:17,192
I said, "No, forget about it.
Leave it alone, don't worry."
815
00:56:18,694 --> 00:56:22,489
This might be hard for some to understand.
I've said it several times tonight.
816
00:56:22,573 --> 00:56:24,449
Everyone is going to die.
817
00:56:25,283 --> 00:56:27,745
I know full well I am going to die.
818
00:56:28,370 --> 00:56:32,624
And most of us don't get to choose
how we check out.
819
00:56:32,708 --> 00:56:37,462
But if I die because someone murders me
over one of my jokes?
820
00:56:38,505 --> 00:56:41,216
Best case scenario.
821
00:56:48,599 --> 00:56:50,768
If somebody murders me
over one of my jokes,
822
00:56:50,851 --> 00:56:54,105
I immediately become a legend.
823
00:56:54,187 --> 00:56:55,814
I'm a comedy God.
824
00:56:55,898 --> 00:56:59,484
The Mount Rushmore of comedy is me,
four times.
825
00:57:02,487 --> 00:57:04,115
I said, "Come on then."
826
00:57:04,782 --> 00:57:08,243
My security guys are like,
"Okay, Anthony, well, just so you know,
827
00:57:08,326 --> 00:57:10,328
that is the dumbest thing
we've ever heard."
828
00:57:12,414 --> 00:57:14,499
"But you're the boss. Okay."
829
00:57:14,583 --> 00:57:15,793
And they leave.
830
00:57:17,128 --> 00:57:18,963
And then the next day they come back.
831
00:57:19,713 --> 00:57:22,049
And they say "Anthony,
sorry to bother you again.
832
00:57:22,133 --> 00:57:25,343
I know you didn't care yesterday,
but it's gotten much worse.
833
00:57:25,427 --> 00:57:26,804
You're gonna wanna hear this."
834
00:57:27,972 --> 00:57:30,599
They say, "Someone
from New Zealand tracked down
835
00:57:30,682 --> 00:57:34,812
your mom and dad's phone number
and address in Pittsburgh,
836
00:57:34,895 --> 00:57:36,688
posted that online...
837
00:57:37,481 --> 00:57:41,193
and now your entire family is getting
death threats from New Zealand."
838
00:57:42,111 --> 00:57:45,697
And I have to admit,
that had never occurred to me before.
839
00:57:46,448 --> 00:57:48,159
It never crossed my mind...
840
00:57:48,993 --> 00:57:52,370
that my family, my loved ones,
would ever pay the price,
841
00:57:52,454 --> 00:57:54,331
be caught in harm's way,
842
00:57:54,414 --> 00:57:57,250
for something I've done
or I've joked about.
843
00:57:57,334 --> 00:58:00,712
And honestly, I would
cut my throat for my jokes.
844
00:58:00,796 --> 00:58:03,132
I would give my life for what I do.
845
00:58:03,757 --> 00:58:05,092
But if anyone,
846
00:58:05,176 --> 00:58:09,387
and I mean this for a fact,
if anyone ever hurt my family
847
00:58:09,471 --> 00:58:13,100
or killed someone I cared about
because of a joke I've made?
848
00:58:13,184 --> 00:58:14,351
Even better.
849
00:58:29,401 --> 00:58:34,401
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com