OK, can we welcome to his first regional management meeting --
- Greg Holder. - Hello.
Greg's taking over the Nechells branch.
For my sins, yeah.
Perhaps I killed in a former life.
That's very funny.
- (Is he wearing a wedding ring?) - (Oh, I'll have a look.)
Actually, Greg, you should swap numbers with Trish,
I'm twinning job centres.
Brownall and Nechells are gonna be sisters.
Well, I've always wanted a sister.
Hey er... could I borrow your jeggings, sis? I've got a hot date.
No, you cannot!
I lent you my ra-ra skirt last weekend and it came back absolutely covered in stains!
That's good.
(Well?)
(I can't see, he keeps moving his hands.)
OK, phones off and on the table, everyone, please.
Margaret, the blinds.
So, I don't need to remind you
that what happens in the room stays in the room.
- (Did you see it?) - It's too dark.
Now, we all know job centres do not have leader boards
for getting people off benefits,
but the job centre at the top of the leader board
for getting people off benefits is...
- .. Brownall. - Oh!
(Oh, buggeration.)
♪ All day, you gotta make it work
♪ No pay, you gotta make it work
♪ Some day, you gotta make this work
♪ Work ♪
So, sister from another mister, how are you settling in?
Good, good, yeah. Just could do with some sisterly advice.
- Hope you don't mind me popping in. - Oh, no, pop away!
- Happy to be popped into. - Great!
I am available and open to you 24/7.
Married to the job. Not to a person. Well, not any more.
Are you attached?
- Me? Er... no, no. - Oh.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E? As the song goes.
Er... no. D-E-A-D.
C-A-N-C-E-R?
C-A-R
A-C-C-I...
- Car accident. - Oh. - Yeah.
So, Trish. Your figures for getting customers off benefits
- are absolutely increds. - Thank you.
And there's little old me languishing at the bottom of the league table.
It's pretty obvious that I'm the trampy stepsister in this family.
Yes, you are! Staying out all night drinking cider,
getting fingered by Dwayne on his moped.
You'll be pregnant in a year, missy!
Or dead!
But erm... No, seriously, Greg, it's not all about stats.
I hate all this league table stuff.
What is that tune you're playing? Because it's music to my ears.
Our work should be about the people.
I think... Heck, no, I passionately believe,
that the happier people are, the more motivated they'll become.
That is exactly what I passionately believe, too.
If jobseekers were happier and less stressed...
.. they'd stand a better chance of finding a job...
.. because job centres would destressify them.
- Destressify? - Yeah.
God, that's good. I'm gonna write that down.
Destressify.
You know, gosh, Trish, I wonder...
- No, it's crazy. - No, no, no, no, no!
Greg, go on. I love crazy.
Alrighty then.
I wonder if you and I... could make Brownall and Nechells
into relaxed jobseeker-focused motivation hubs.
Oh, Greg, that is absolutely not crazy
and I still love it.
- Really? - Really.
- But I've... I've got an Angela. - Yeah, I know the one.
She's very efficient,
she gets three times more people off benefits than anyone else,
but she's what a lesser person would call a sour-faced bitch.
She'll totally poo-poo our plans.
Well, you could... get her out of your hair for a bit?
Send her off to do some peer-to-peer training.
Palm her off on other job centres?
By the time she gets back...
.. it'll be a brand new Brownall.
Jinx! Jinx again!
You see!
Karl...
- I don't want you to go. - What, and I do?
Trish is making me go on a road trip with Angela.
You never know, you might bond. Like... Thelma and Louise.
They killed themselves.
Bagsy the front.
Look! Aren't these fab?
The printers have done such a great job.
Thanks for going, Natalie.
- Yeah, she's really looking forward to it. - Yeah.
Now, you've got a very busy schedule.
It would appear London can't wait to meet Angela, ha!
Bon voyage! Enjoy London, Angela.
I won't. I find Londoners cold and rude.
So, quick huddle, team Brownall.
OK?
This is Greg Holder, manager of Nechells branch...
Hi, guys.
And we are starting a revolution...
.. with this...
- as our weapon. - A box?
It's a customer feedback box, Karl.
This is the beginning of a new Brownall.
We are going to destressify jobseekers...
I love that word.
.. by not putting any pressure on them to find work.
They will then write comments about you guys...
- The destressifyists. - Yeah, on these feedback forms.
Now, think of them like... like mini reviews.
And then deposit them in here.
Keep them happy, happy, happy, so they write positive things
and prove that destressification is the way forward.
Unless they haven't looked for work?
Even if they haven't looked for work.
- We're forgetting all about figures, targets and league tables. - Yeah.
Trish, we won't have anything to do...
and I think that is an amazing idea.
Looking for a job is a bit like...
.. like looking for love.
It's only when you stop searching that the perfect one just...
It falls right into your lap.
Er... Greg's right.
Relaxed jobseekers will find their own way to work.
Genius. The jobseekers will be destressed, not distressed.
Destressed not distressed, I love that!
I feel completely destressificated.
- Where do you want these, Trish? - Oh er... waiting area.
First part of the plan --
relaxing bean bags instead of uncomfortable chairs.
I can't see where I'm going.
That's because you're the size of a Borrower.
Do you think nine's enough?
You're not nervous, are you, Angela?
No... but I'm not doing it.
Why not?
I haven't had enough time to prepare.
- You are nervous. - I'm not.
If a jobseeker told you they didn't go to an interview
because they didn't have enough time to prepare,
- would you let them off? - Absolutely not. - Why?
- Because it's an excuse. - Exactly...
.. and Angela Bromford does not accept excuses.
Never, ever pretend to be me.
So, if you're not nervous
and you don't accept lack of preparation as an excuse,
- I should let the audience in. - Wait!
Angela, they're waiting.
- Tell me I'm special. - What?
I need to feel special.
Oh, you are special, Angela.
You are very, very special.
OK.
Hello, Brentford.
You look relaxed. Sticky yum yum?
Oh, I shouldn't.
Catch your breath and fill out a customer feedback form.
Don't be afraid to use the word 'destressified', OK?
- I think that went well. - Well? I smashed it.
- Don't know about smashed it. - Did you not hear that applause?
My people love me.
Are you not gonna stay and help me pack up?
I'm the talent.
Are you wearing perfume?
French mint and... jasmine blossom.
It's Natalie's. I miss her smell.
Oh, man up, Karl! She's only been gone five minutes.
I can understand you wearing her knickers but... her perfume?
That's just weird.
What are you talking about? What paper jam?
There's no paper there to be jammed, you idiot.
If you were a person I would kill you in your sleep.
Bad time?
Oh! Greg, hi!
No, no. I'm fine.
I've bought your erm... jobseekers a gift.
Aw.
The gift of destressification. Shall I...?
Oh er... yeah. Yes, that's fine.
Oh! Ooh!
How's that? Sensual?
Yeah, yeah. No, actually, yeah, it's fine.
It's lovely. Really relaxing, thanks.
You know erm... my late wife, Lorna. She loved these.
- Did she? - Yeah, yeah, she'd lie in my lap and then I'd --
I didn't know your wife Lorna, but...
I imagine that she would want you to be happy now. Move on.
Not forget ALL about her, but... maybe find a new love.
Do you want to do me now?
Sorry?
Oh! Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.
- I'm ready. - OK, erm...
So, we'll just start with a few details.
OK, sure, that's fine. Fire away.
OK. Er... can I have your first name, please?
Eoghan.
- On? - No, it's Eoghan.
Orn? Sorry, could you spell that for me, please.
- E. - A? - No, E.
E. Right, yep, sorry.
O, G.
- J? - No. G, like George.
- Judge? - No, George, like George Best.
- George Best? - Aye.
- I. - No, come here.
E-O-G-H-A-N.
- Eoghan. - Oh, right...
OK. Sorry, that's my fault.
- And er... can I take your surname? - McGeoghegan.
- What? - Everything all right?
Er... yeah, I'm just having some er...
communication issues with this gentleman.
For God's sake, I'm speaking English.
Oh, I see what the problem is here.
- (He is so drunk.) - No, no, Ash --
Trust me, Karl, I've done a module on this.
We can't help you until you want to help yourself, OK?
So I'm gonna give you the number for an alcoholic support group.
Yous pair are a disgrace. This is not the end of this.
God, you could really smell it on him, couldn't you?
Oh, no, no. I think that's Natalie's perfume.
And he's not drunk, Ash,
he's just Irish. With a very strong accent.
Oh, my God, I've just been horribly racist.
I'll have your feckin' jobs for this.
Ah-h-h-h-h-h.
Mummy made me mash my mini muffins.
Mummy made me mash my --
Oh, for God's sake, Angela. You must be warmed up by now.
Never interrupt me when I'm in the zone.
Drink.
Morning, Miss Bromford.
I'm sorry, they only had plain flavour crisps.
(Ask him if he got my rider.)
Miss Bromford says did you get her rider?
Yes, but these were all I could find.
Get me a Cheese and Onion Grab Bag, or I walk.
We're finished. We're absolutely finished.
Mm-hm. He was proper angry.
And insulted and humiliated, and the victim of a racist attack.
What are we gonna do?
We need to get that complaint back.
I could lose my job over this.
I'm still on my three-month probation period, Karl.
All right. Well, look, we'll just get the form back.
Just calm down.
I can't, it's too late. My panic disorder's kicking in.
I'm nauseous, my heartbeat's erratic,
- I'm absolutely dripping with sweat. - Well, what can I do?
I need to breathe, help me relax.
I need to imagine I'm on a beach.
All right er... you are... You are on a beach.
- Erm... it's a beautiful sandy -- - No, I don't like sand.
OK, er... it's a beautiful stony beach.
Er... the waves gently lapping at your feet.
- It's too cold, Karl. - No, no, no. It's nice.
- Are there jellyfish? - No. No jellyfish.
- The tide's coming in. - No. Ash, it's miles out.
No, no, no, no. It's definitely coming in.
I'm cut off, I can't swim!
I'm going under.
I'm drowning, Karl!
Call the coastguard, call the coastguard!
Oh... No, no, no, not now. Tomorrow's the big day.
Stop telling me there's a paper jam when you ruddy well know there isn't.
Shh!
Come on, Trish. Be brave, stay calm.
Blend with the shadows.
Not tonight, thank you. This job centre's closed!
Wait! Trish, Trish, Trish, it's us.
- What? - It's us!
Oh, bearded Jesus. Karl, I'm so sorry!
I've brain damaged him, I've destroyed his beautiful mind.
Hang on. What are you doing here?
We're having an affair.
No, we're not! Ash, just tell her the truth.
We were racist to a man and he put a complaint in the feedback box.
- We're just trying to get it back. - Please don't sack me.
We're going to have to get it back out.
Right, let's find this complaint, shall we?
"The new bean bags are so comfy,
I fell asleep and missed my signing on time.
The advisor didn't even care! Brilliant." Oh, good God.
"ove not being pressured to get a job, I'm gonna stay unemployed forever
- "The psychologist kept looking down my top..." -- - Oh, I'll take that.
No, no, no! They're missing the point.
The jobseekers are meant to be happy and destressed so they want to get a job.
Yeah... none of them are saying that.
I can't let Greg see these, we need to get rid of these forms.
Erm... No, we could say there's been a break-in.
Well, there was a break-in, we broke in.
Yeah. When Greg comes in tomorrow,
we'll say that the forms were stolen in a robbery.
- Good idea, great idea. - It needs to look realistic.
Well, intruders don't just take stuff, they destroy stuff.
That's what they do.
Yeah, they'd kick over that welcome desk for a start.
That felt amazing!
Come on. Let's trash this mother!
Come on!
I have made a mess!
How'd you like that, huh? You still got a paper jam?
Oh, you have?
Oh, let me help you with that.
You know what?
Actually, we could have just written new feedback forms.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, that er... That would have been the better option.
Trish, have you seen this?
Oh, no... Er... we must have been broken into.
Dirty scumbags.
Erm... shall I fetch you the hoover?
We need this cleared up before the managers' meeting.
Oh, no, we must have been broken into.
I'll call the police.
We don't need to call the police, Paul.
It's only a ruddy photocopier and some bean bag balls.
Oh, no! We must have been broken into.
- What's happened to you? - Huh?
Oh... I walked into a door.
What the hell?
We've been broken into.
The little bastards.
Come on, Natalie. We've got a very important managers' meeting to set up. Follow me, please.
I'm so glad you're back.
Oh, what happened to your face?
Are you wearing my perfume?
And your knickers.
How was London, Angela?
There is a human poo under my desk.
(It's what they do.)
So, we come once again to our off-flow league table
that absolutely does not exist.
Phones on the table. Margaret, the blinds.
Actually, Nigel, I'd like to erm... say a few words.
- Can't it wait? - No, Nigel... this can't wait.
Every second that goes by, a jobseeker loses hope.
Imagine that.
Every time I click my fingers one of our jobseekers just loses hope.
Poof!
But what if it didn't have to be like that?
What if there was another way? A new way.
Trish, we don't have time for this.
To get a job, you need to be happy and confident.
But we're not going to inspire confidence in our jobseekers
by treating them like cattle.
Natalie, hand out the manifesto, please.
This... is the new way. The way of destressification.
Hot drinks for everyone, soothing music.
- Comfy seating. - Yes!
Greg and I have bean bags instead of chairs.
No, he hasn't.
No.
I've taken all the seats out of my centre
so the jobseekers have to stand. Keeps them on their toes.
And he keeps the doors open. It's freezing.
Nobody likes being in my job centre...
which is exactly how it should be.
It's all about numbers, Trish. And yours have nosedived.
Whereas, Greg's hardcore approach
means he's got the top spot in his first month in post.
- Great work, Greg. - Thank you.
You've gone from top to bottom, Trish. What happened?
Erm...
Sorry, Nigel...
I was briefly radicalised.
Every time I click my fingers,
another job centre plummets down the league table.
You, sir, are a massive shit.
Oh, don't be like that, sis.
You only wanted Angela out of the way so my numbers would drop.
Correct.
Can't believe you fell for it. And you was easy to get on board,
I had to have sex with Denise from Kingstanding.
And are we going to get our destressifier tattoos finished?
Jog on, Tina. It's not even a word.
You played us like cheap fiddles.
My very own lady orchestra.
I'd still be happy to pluck your strings, though, Trish.
No, Greg. You groomed me and that is not attractive.
Leave, please.
Can we go for drinks?
I need to get ginned.
Actually, Trish, I just wanna go home.
I feel like my head has been hit with a bin.
Well, a drink might help.
- Actually, Trish, we haven't seen each other in a week. - Hm.
Fine, fine, it's fine!
Go home and do intercourse.
I've got nine luxury bean bags to return, anyway.
Can I have another yum yum?
No, you cannot!
Get a job!