1
00:00:03,611 --> 00:00:05,357
Allison! Big D!
2
00:00:05,382 --> 00:00:06,476
[Whooping]
3
00:00:06,501 --> 00:00:08,000
Shh!
4
00:00:08,025 --> 00:00:09,031
Reading.
5
00:00:09,056 --> 00:00:10,957
Okay, buzz killed.
6
00:00:10,982 --> 00:00:12,941
Time of death, 7:31.
7
00:00:13,869 --> 00:00:15,070
Where's Molly?
8
00:00:15,095 --> 00:00:15,956
At a party.
9
00:00:15,981 --> 00:00:18,210
A party on a weeknight?
What is she, a rapper?
10
00:00:19,652 --> 00:00:20,885
What you reading there, animal?
11
00:00:20,910 --> 00:00:22,343
One of those Nancy drews?
12
00:00:22,368 --> 00:00:23,229
No, Ken.
13
00:00:23,254 --> 00:00:25,088
Though happy 80th birthday
to that reference.
14
00:00:25,628 --> 00:00:27,108
Our son is reading a biography
15
00:00:27,133 --> 00:00:29,351
of German chancellor Angela Merkel.
16
00:00:29,376 --> 00:00:32,121
Oh, Angela. Didn't see that coming.
17
00:00:32,146 --> 00:00:33,423
Oh, no, she didn't!
18
00:00:34,977 --> 00:00:36,155
He's turning out weird.
19
00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:39,262
So, the Merkster.
20
00:00:39,287 --> 00:00:40,791
Merkelangelo.
21
00:00:40,816 --> 00:00:43,167
I'm familiar. Teutonic gal.
22
00:00:43,192 --> 00:00:44,533
Kind of looks like Paul McCartney.
23
00:00:44,558 --> 00:00:46,550
Please. She doesn't look like...
24
00:00:47,661 --> 00:00:49,264
Oh, yeah, that is Paul.
25
00:00:49,622 --> 00:00:50,739
Hey, buddy.
26
00:00:50,764 --> 00:00:52,518
Why don't you slap a
bookmark in that brick,
27
00:00:52,543 --> 00:00:54,333
and we'll go hit Saddle Burger.
28
00:00:54,358 --> 00:00:55,608
They got a new 64-ounce milkshake
29
00:00:55,633 --> 00:00:57,317
that comes in a plastic boot.
30
00:00:57,342 --> 00:00:59,222
Let's bounce. I'll go grab my lactaid.
31
00:01:00,331 --> 00:01:02,382
What are you doing? We were reading.
32
00:01:02,407 --> 00:01:03,824
He can read anytime.
33
00:01:03,849 --> 00:01:06,673
But the Milkshake Boot's only
available while supplies last.
34
00:01:06,698 --> 00:01:08,824
Dave, boot!
35
00:01:08,849 --> 00:01:10,528
I feel like you're always the one
36
00:01:10,553 --> 00:01:11,799
that does fun stuff with him.
37
00:01:11,824 --> 00:01:13,199
He sees you as the fun one.
38
00:01:13,224 --> 00:01:15,164
Aw, thanks. I really do
make an effort with the boy.
39
00:01:15,190 --> 00:01:17,938
I'm serious. All I do is read with him.
40
00:01:17,963 --> 00:01:20,196
And bitch and moan to me
about it, but continue.
41
00:01:20,841 --> 00:01:22,092
When he was little,
42
00:01:22,117 --> 00:01:24,812
we used to have all kinds
of mommy-Dave adventures.
43
00:01:24,837 --> 00:01:27,655
I would take him to the
beach, the Children's Museum.
44
00:01:28,058 --> 00:01:29,288
Oh, my God.
45
00:01:29,313 --> 00:01:31,038
I can't remember the last time
46
00:01:31,063 --> 00:01:32,530
he and I did something fun together.
47
00:01:32,555 --> 00:01:34,223
Come on. Just last week, you took him
48
00:01:34,248 --> 00:01:36,815
to that... Place and he got a toy.
49
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:38,393
That place was the dentist.
50
00:01:38,937 --> 00:01:40,743
The toy was a toothbrush.
51
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,022
Okay, but you took him to that aquarium.
52
00:01:43,047 --> 00:01:44,466
That was also the dentist.
53
00:01:44,818 --> 00:01:46,535
There's a fish tank in the lobby.
54
00:01:46,809 --> 00:01:48,093
The dentist sounds like a blast.
55
00:01:48,118 --> 00:01:49,451
Hey, maybe I should take him there.
56
00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:50,608
[Chuckles]
57
00:01:50,633 --> 00:01:51,874
Dave, come on!
58
00:01:53,622 --> 00:01:57,540
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -
59
00:02:00,469 --> 00:02:01,897
[Chuckles]
60
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,140
That was awesome, dad.
61
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,909
- Here, mom.
- Oh, thanks, Dave.
62
00:02:04,935 --> 00:02:06,045
Wash it by hand.
63
00:02:06,070 --> 00:02:08,919
It says dishwasher-safe,
but I don't want to risk it.
64
00:02:09,306 --> 00:02:11,820
- [clicks tongue]
- Good night, partner.
65
00:02:11,845 --> 00:02:13,612
So, you had a good time, huh?
66
00:02:13,942 --> 00:02:16,276
Well, tomorrow, he and I
are gonna have a good time.
67
00:02:16,301 --> 00:02:19,085
I'm taking him on an old-school
mommy-Dave adventure.
68
00:02:19,110 --> 00:02:21,444
I need to show him that I
can still be the fun one.
69
00:02:21,469 --> 00:02:22,801
Good for you, Bae.
70
00:02:22,826 --> 00:02:24,617
What are you gonna do? Saddle Burger?
71
00:02:24,641 --> 00:02:25,841
No.
72
00:02:25,866 --> 00:02:28,108
Any lazy parent can take
a kid to Saddle Burger.
73
00:02:30,137 --> 00:02:32,192
I'm gonna solidify our mother-son bond
74
00:02:32,217 --> 00:02:34,087
during this critical
time in his development.
75
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,741
So, Saddle Burger.
76
00:02:35,766 --> 00:02:37,216
[Laughing] No.
77
00:02:37,241 --> 00:02:38,525
I went online and found out
78
00:02:38,550 --> 00:02:40,082
the author of that Merkel biography
79
00:02:40,107 --> 00:02:42,471
is doing a reading tomorrow night downtown.
80
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,504
It's an hour away.
81
00:02:43,529 --> 00:02:45,029
It's gonna be like a mini road trip.
82
00:02:45,054 --> 00:02:47,069
And he gets to stay up late.
Oh, he's gonna love it!
83
00:02:47,094 --> 00:02:49,897
Babe, stop selling. It's Merkel. I get it.
84
00:02:49,938 --> 00:02:53,778
Hey, guys. What's up?
85
00:02:53,803 --> 00:02:55,348
Hey, Mol. It's not even 9:00.
86
00:02:55,373 --> 00:02:56,827
What happened to the party?
87
00:02:57,042 --> 00:02:58,518
Okay, I'll tell you guys what happened
88
00:02:58,543 --> 00:03:00,343
if you promise not to get mad at me.
89
00:03:00,696 --> 00:03:03,266
I don't think we want to
give up our right to get mad.
90
00:03:04,345 --> 00:03:05,963
We might end up wanting that.
91
00:03:05,988 --> 00:03:08,246
If we get mad, she won't tell us.
92
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:09,199
Good point.
93
00:03:09,224 --> 00:03:10,507
Can we ask questions?
94
00:03:10,589 --> 00:03:12,149
Hmm... You each get one.
95
00:03:12,174 --> 00:03:13,624
I don't think we're gonna
do better than this.
96
00:03:13,649 --> 00:03:14,905
Fine. Proceed.
97
00:03:15,792 --> 00:03:16,792
Okay.
98
00:03:16,817 --> 00:03:18,276
The police came and shut down the party
99
00:03:18,301 --> 00:03:19,934
because some of the kids were drinking
100
00:03:19,959 --> 00:03:21,394
and they were underage.
101
00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,085
All right. Is there more?
102
00:03:23,110 --> 00:03:24,793
No, and not a wise use of your question.
103
00:03:24,818 --> 00:03:25,580
Damn!
104
00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:26,734
Hold on.
105
00:03:27,054 --> 00:03:29,641
- Don't I get a question?
- Yes! Good question, mom!
106
00:03:29,666 --> 00:03:31,014
- Damn.
- Stop.
107
00:03:31,864 --> 00:03:33,163
New game.
108
00:03:33,188 --> 00:03:35,348
It's called "tell us if
you were one of the kids"
109
00:03:35,373 --> 00:03:36,499
who was drinking."
110
00:03:36,524 --> 00:03:38,858
It's similar to scattergories,
except you tell us
111
00:03:38,883 --> 00:03:40,685
you were one of the kids who was drinking.
112
00:03:40,710 --> 00:03:44,026
I drank half a beer, but
I thought it was gross,
113
00:03:44,051 --> 00:03:45,852
so I dumped it out on the lawn.
114
00:03:46,234 --> 00:03:48,921
Okay, honey. Thank you for telling us.
115
00:03:48,946 --> 00:03:50,613
You're welcome. Good night.
116
00:03:53,523 --> 00:03:55,516
[Sighs]
117
00:03:56,264 --> 00:03:58,372
"Thank you for telling us"?
118
00:03:58,681 --> 00:04:01,340
It's called positively reinforcing
119
00:04:01,365 --> 00:04:02,582
our daughter's honesty.
120
00:04:02,607 --> 00:04:03,950
Okay, while we're doing that,
121
00:04:03,975 --> 00:04:06,175
I'm thinking boarding school, the marines,
122
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:07,943
something in the religious world?
123
00:04:08,367 --> 00:04:11,051
Listen to you. I thought
you were the fun one.
124
00:04:11,076 --> 00:04:13,592
I'm fun with Dave. Molly's
a raging alcoholic!
125
00:04:13,617 --> 00:04:15,763
Okay, okay, Ken.
126
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,876
Take a knee. Let's just talk this through.
127
00:04:17,901 --> 00:04:19,452
Oh, I know what you're gonna say.
128
00:04:19,477 --> 00:04:22,545
"I'm Allison... Our daughter
was honest with us,"
129
00:04:22,570 --> 00:04:24,637
just like I was with my hippie parents
130
00:04:24,662 --> 00:04:26,417
"on that groovy commune."
131
00:04:26,802 --> 00:04:29,454
Look, there's no reason
to make this into a thing.
132
00:04:29,488 --> 00:04:30,424
But it is a thing.
133
00:04:30,466 --> 00:04:32,519
Our teenage daughter was drinking.
134
00:04:32,544 --> 00:04:33,794
You know what my dad did to me
135
00:04:33,819 --> 00:04:35,534
the one time he caught me drinking?
136
00:04:35,559 --> 00:04:36,713
This!
137
00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:38,777
He burned you?
138
00:04:38,802 --> 00:04:40,640
No, he said, "I'm a-disappointed"
139
00:04:40,665 --> 00:04:41,699
for over an hour.
140
00:04:41,724 --> 00:04:44,259
I finally nodded off and fell
on my mom's curling iron.
141
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:48,287
But the point is, he
didn't just do nothing.
142
00:04:48,449 --> 00:04:50,967
Remember when you thought Molly snuck out
143
00:04:50,992 --> 00:04:53,093
and I said we should back off,
but you couldn't let it go?
144
00:04:53,118 --> 00:04:54,095
What happened?
145
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:54,929
I went a little rogue.
146
00:04:54,954 --> 00:04:56,427
- And then?
- To a rave.
147
00:04:56,452 --> 00:04:57,652
- And ended up?
- In jail.
148
00:04:57,677 --> 00:04:58,810
Right.
149
00:04:58,835 --> 00:05:00,616
This time, we do it my way.
150
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,488
Hey, I did my time!
151
00:05:02,513 --> 00:05:04,753
Society forgave me. Why can't you?
152
00:05:04,778 --> 00:05:06,239
Thug life, yo!
153
00:05:08,694 --> 00:05:12,120
♪
154
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,374
People, I'm gonna say a number,
155
00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:17,608
and I want you to tell me
what you think it represents.
156
00:05:17,633 --> 00:05:19,367
- 77.
- Your I.Q.
157
00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:20,600
How many girls you had to ask to the prom?
158
00:05:20,625 --> 00:05:21,725
The number of times you cried this week.
159
00:05:21,750 --> 00:05:22,784
The year you bought that suit?
160
00:05:24,059 --> 00:05:26,325
The number of one-armed
push-ups you can do?
161
00:05:27,525 --> 00:05:29,691
I don't have your guys' seniority.
162
00:05:29,716 --> 00:05:31,611
Latex gloves.
163
00:05:31,636 --> 00:05:33,643
Yesterday alone, this wing of the clinic
164
00:05:33,668 --> 00:05:36,387
used 77 pairs of these bad boys.
165
00:05:37,306 --> 00:05:39,980
From now on, don't
automatically put them on
166
00:05:40,005 --> 00:05:41,219
for every appointment.
167
00:05:41,244 --> 00:05:43,546
You know, wait till things start to get...
168
00:05:43,856 --> 00:05:45,107
Prostate-y.
169
00:05:45,132 --> 00:05:47,900
Pat, why don't you go
climb into the MRI machine
170
00:05:47,925 --> 00:05:49,499
with all the people who like you.
171
00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:53,890
Okay. But I'll be back.
172
00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:56,357
[Chuckling] I didn't
mean that threateningly.
173
00:05:56,382 --> 00:05:58,682
It's just I work here and
I often pass this way.
174
00:06:00,377 --> 00:06:03,987
Limit our glove use? That is crazy fo' sho.
175
00:06:04,012 --> 00:06:05,563
- Unh-unh, don't do that.
- Really?
176
00:06:05,588 --> 00:06:07,455
We're not at that place where
we can playfully draw upon
177
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:08,813
each other's stereotypes for emphasis?
178
00:06:08,838 --> 00:06:10,556
No, you spit on me when you said "fo' sho."
179
00:06:10,581 --> 00:06:12,274
Oh.
180
00:06:12,299 --> 00:06:15,544
Man, that guy always manages to
come in when I'm in a bad mood.
181
00:06:15,569 --> 00:06:18,365
Ohh, what's crunching
your crackers, Dr. Ken?
182
00:06:19,933 --> 00:06:21,733
Molly. She's been drinking.
183
00:06:21,758 --> 00:06:23,659
- A lot?
- Half a beer.
184
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:26,127
Or as they call it in
Korea, a whore's breakfast.
185
00:06:27,203 --> 00:06:28,741
And Allison doesn't
even think we should...
186
00:06:28,766 --> 00:06:31,564
I'm sorry I'm late, everyone,
but there's a reason.
187
00:06:31,589 --> 00:06:33,785
Topher and I broke up. [Gasps]
188
00:06:38,416 --> 00:06:41,863
Anyway, Allison doesn't
even want to punish her.
189
00:06:41,888 --> 00:06:43,916
So I'm supposed to just sit by and watch
190
00:06:43,941 --> 00:06:46,860
while my daughter turns into
Dudley Moore from "Arthur."
191
00:06:46,885 --> 00:06:48,777
Or Russell Brand from "Arthur"!
192
00:06:48,802 --> 00:06:50,737
Or Russell Brand!
193
00:06:51,665 --> 00:06:54,649
It seems like the right
response for half a beer.
194
00:06:54,674 --> 00:06:56,341
Okay, Damona, accurate sarcasm
195
00:06:56,366 --> 00:06:58,193
is not what Dr. Ken needs right now.
196
00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,152
He needs a hug.
197
00:07:00,177 --> 00:07:01,583
Oh, okay, okay, all right.
198
00:07:01,608 --> 00:07:03,137
Okay, I have read this wrong.
199
00:07:05,393 --> 00:07:07,510
Sounds like this marital conflict
200
00:07:07,535 --> 00:07:10,526
isn't just about not wanting
to take hip-hop dance classes.
201
00:07:10,551 --> 00:07:12,769
It's about teenage drinking.
202
00:07:12,820 --> 00:07:14,938
First of all, I'm taking the
class without her and it's fine.
203
00:07:14,950 --> 00:07:17,013
I'm partnered with the teacher.
204
00:07:17,122 --> 00:07:19,776
But you're right. What am I gonna do?
205
00:07:19,801 --> 00:07:22,989
Well, when my mom caught me
sneaking a glass of wine,
206
00:07:23,014 --> 00:07:25,802
she sat me down and made
me drink the whole bottle.
207
00:07:25,827 --> 00:07:27,244
You know what?
208
00:07:27,269 --> 00:07:28,654
I think your mom had it figured out.
209
00:07:28,679 --> 00:07:29,978
Definitely, she figured out
210
00:07:30,003 --> 00:07:32,325
how to give a 14-year-old
a Chablis dependency.
211
00:07:33,226 --> 00:07:34,910
Wait.
212
00:07:34,935 --> 00:07:37,887
You're gonna make Molly
drink until she gets sick?
213
00:07:37,912 --> 00:07:38,946
No.
214
00:07:38,971 --> 00:07:41,089
I'm gonna sit her down, let her drink,
215
00:07:41,114 --> 00:07:43,398
and educate her about
what it does to people
216
00:07:43,423 --> 00:07:45,880
because that's what doctors do.
217
00:07:45,905 --> 00:07:47,395
And that's what I'm gonna do
218
00:07:47,420 --> 00:07:49,867
the moment I get home from hip-hop class.
219
00:07:59,793 --> 00:08:00,928
Hello, Molly.
220
00:08:00,953 --> 00:08:02,500
Aah! Aah.
221
00:08:02,525 --> 00:08:03,541
Where are you going?
222
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:05,333
To a party at Kyle Cronin's house.
223
00:08:05,358 --> 00:08:06,036
Mnh-mnh.
224
00:08:06,062 --> 00:08:07,202
Mom said I could go.
225
00:08:07,227 --> 00:08:09,394
Well, mom's not here, is she?
226
00:08:09,419 --> 00:08:10,652
Seriously. Is she?
227
00:08:10,677 --> 00:08:12,960
It's not even a big party.
228
00:08:12,985 --> 00:08:14,257
It's just some kids hanging out.
229
00:08:14,282 --> 00:08:15,192
And it's two blocks away.
230
00:08:15,216 --> 00:08:17,288
Well, you know which
house is no blocks away?
231
00:08:17,313 --> 00:08:18,304
Here.
232
00:08:19,524 --> 00:08:22,507
You're making me stay
home? I drank half a beer.
233
00:08:22,532 --> 00:08:23,975
[Laughs] I'm not gonna even tell you
234
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,630
what they call that in Korea.
235
00:08:26,202 --> 00:08:28,120
Look, you're obviously at an age
236
00:08:28,145 --> 00:08:29,549
where you're around drinking, so...
237
00:08:29,574 --> 00:08:30,574
I just want to show you
238
00:08:30,599 --> 00:08:32,071
the effects of alcohol on the human body
239
00:08:32,096 --> 00:08:34,158
so you can make responsible decisions.
240
00:08:34,183 --> 00:08:35,548
[Sighs] I cannot believe this.
241
00:08:35,573 --> 00:08:37,224
Well, believe it, 'cause it's happening,
242
00:08:37,249 --> 00:08:39,147
and that is fo' sho.
243
00:08:39,947 --> 00:08:41,508
- Ew.
- Sorry.
244
00:08:41,533 --> 00:08:43,557
I get spitty when I go urban, so...
245
00:08:45,238 --> 00:08:46,371
Just hear me out.
246
00:08:46,396 --> 00:08:48,507
The gloved hand does the dirty work.
247
00:08:48,532 --> 00:08:51,839
You know, all the... And...
248
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,287
Ugh.
249
00:08:53,914 --> 00:08:56,584
But the bare hand takes care
of more pedestrian tasks,
250
00:08:56,609 --> 00:08:59,865
like writing stuff down or...
Or high-fiving the patient
251
00:08:59,890 --> 00:09:02,400
when the gloved hand finds
there's nothing wrong.
252
00:09:03,780 --> 00:09:07,200
I was about to go home
early, and then I realized,
253
00:09:07,225 --> 00:09:10,001
my place is here with all of you.
254
00:09:12,575 --> 00:09:14,593
You know, with the whole Topher thing.
255
00:09:14,618 --> 00:09:17,202
Does no one care about my emotional life?
256
00:09:17,227 --> 00:09:19,050
I'm not sure I know who you are.
257
00:09:20,646 --> 00:09:25,004
Excuse me, but that is Dr. Julie...
258
00:09:25,029 --> 00:09:26,776
Oh, my god, this is the wrong moment
259
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:28,076
for me to have blanked on her last name.
260
00:09:28,787 --> 00:09:30,370
Wow.
261
00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:32,747
Honey, you work at a mid-level H.M.O.
262
00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:34,284
where the supervisor counts our gloves.
263
00:09:34,309 --> 00:09:36,308
What did you think it was gonna
be like... "Grey's Anatomy"?
264
00:09:36,333 --> 00:09:38,415
Yes, I did.
265
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,209
"Grey's Anatomy" is the reason
I wanted to become a doctor.
266
00:09:42,234 --> 00:09:47,716
The drama, the romance, and
much more attractive people.
267
00:09:49,294 --> 00:09:50,594
Hey.
268
00:09:50,619 --> 00:09:52,217
They are as God made them.
269
00:09:52,242 --> 00:09:54,247
I don't know what y'all talking about.
270
00:09:54,272 --> 00:09:56,061
I look good.
271
00:09:56,087 --> 00:09:59,297
I thought that what was going
on in our personal lives
272
00:09:59,296 --> 00:10:01,531
would neatly dovetail with
what was going on with work.
273
00:10:01,565 --> 00:10:02,782
You know, like
274
00:10:02,833 --> 00:10:05,535
"what are we gonna do
about this hypertension?"
275
00:10:05,569 --> 00:10:09,249
And "what are we gonna do
about this sexual tension?"
276
00:10:09,274 --> 00:10:14,123
And I thought that maybe, just maybe,
277
00:10:14,148 --> 00:10:16,783
I would find my person.
278
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,852
But I guess that doesn't happen here
279
00:10:19,877 --> 00:10:21,761
at this impersonal clinic,
280
00:10:21,786 --> 00:10:23,631
where average-looking people greet you
281
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:26,626
with above-average apathy.
282
00:10:26,910 --> 00:10:28,844
So now I know.
283
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:32,006
Aw.
284
00:10:32,364 --> 00:10:33,938
You seem upset.
285
00:10:33,963 --> 00:10:36,570
Here.
286
00:10:37,772 --> 00:10:40,492
Have half a tissue.
287
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,196
Do you think he'll read about
288
00:10:48,221 --> 00:10:49,546
Angela's early years as a chemist
289
00:10:49,571 --> 00:10:51,335
or focus on her rise to power?
290
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,060
Mm, maybe he'll do both, Dave.
291
00:10:53,085 --> 00:10:54,756
Don't tease me, mom.
292
00:10:57,178 --> 00:10:58,662
Are we gonna be late?
293
00:10:58,687 --> 00:10:59,947
[Chuckling] No.
294
00:10:59,972 --> 00:11:02,673
'Cause your awesome mom
left a time cushion.
295
00:11:02,698 --> 00:11:06,227
Oh, crap. I missed the turn.
296
00:11:06,732 --> 00:11:09,683
[Tires screeching]
297
00:11:10,181 --> 00:11:12,716
Mom, was that an illegal u-turn?
298
00:11:12,741 --> 00:11:13,524
[Chuckling] No.
299
00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:16,343
[Siren wailing]
300
00:11:17,591 --> 00:11:20,493
Mom, was that every major
swear word in a row?
301
00:11:21,669 --> 00:11:23,762
Might have been, Dave.
302
00:11:23,787 --> 00:11:25,099
Might have been.
303
00:11:25,806 --> 00:11:29,087
Alcohol is absorbed directly
into the bloodstream
304
00:11:29,112 --> 00:11:30,366
through the lining of the mouth...
305
00:11:30,391 --> 00:11:31,413
And the tissue that line the stomach
306
00:11:31,438 --> 00:11:32,784
and the small intestine.
307
00:11:32,809 --> 00:11:33,768
Please don't interrupt.
308
00:11:35,580 --> 00:11:37,631
And the tissue that lines the stomach
309
00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:39,400
and the small intestine.
310
00:11:39,750 --> 00:11:41,362
Once in your bloodstream,
311
00:11:41,387 --> 00:11:43,068
it's carried to the organs
of your body within...
312
00:11:43,093 --> 00:11:44,258
90 seconds.
313
00:11:44,283 --> 00:11:48,396
No, within about 90 seconds.
314
00:11:48,421 --> 00:11:51,340
Dad, I know all this. Please let me go.
315
00:11:51,365 --> 00:11:54,050
Molly, there's a difference
between knowing it
316
00:11:54,075 --> 00:11:57,623
and experiencing it.
317
00:11:57,649 --> 00:11:59,194
Just go ahead and take a sip.
318
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,196
I don't want to.
319
00:12:00,221 --> 00:12:01,267
Seriously, it's okay.
320
00:12:01,292 --> 00:12:03,331
I'm just trying to create a safe space
321
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:04,765
for you to try this.
322
00:12:05,713 --> 00:12:07,436
Fine.
323
00:12:09,653 --> 00:12:11,884
Ew. This tastes like rust.
324
00:12:11,909 --> 00:12:13,540
Really? This is a nice cab.
325
00:12:15,929 --> 00:12:18,340
[Laughing] Oh, man, I needed that.
326
00:12:21,694 --> 00:12:23,995
Any idea why I pulled you over?
327
00:12:24,020 --> 00:12:25,248
Not really.
328
00:12:25,273 --> 00:12:27,314
Was it for hanging that sick u-ey?
329
00:12:27,339 --> 00:12:29,474
Bingo.
330
00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:32,335
Very dangerous maneuver, ma'am.
331
00:12:32,361 --> 00:12:33,303
Agreed.
332
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:36,199
I'll be back in a minute.
333
00:12:36,224 --> 00:12:39,023
Wait, Officer.
334
00:12:39,916 --> 00:12:41,867
[Chuckling] I am...
335
00:12:41,892 --> 00:12:44,561
I'm really sorry about what I did. I...
336
00:12:44,586 --> 00:12:47,114
But surely a tall,
handsome officer like you
337
00:12:47,139 --> 00:12:51,802
could find a way to forgive a...
A sweet, silly woman like me?
338
00:12:51,826 --> 00:12:53,130
Please, sir?
339
00:12:53,155 --> 00:12:55,868
Ma'am, I'm not a sir.
340
00:12:55,893 --> 00:12:57,809
Copy that.
341
00:13:07,478 --> 00:13:09,597
Ahh.
342
00:13:09,780 --> 00:13:12,860
Now, how was I able to drink that so fast?
343
00:13:13,514 --> 00:13:17,357
Here's a secret big daiquiri
doesn't want you to know.
344
00:13:18,416 --> 00:13:20,901
The fructose in the strawberry
345
00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:23,394
masks the taste of the alcohol.
346
00:13:23,419 --> 00:13:25,828
It masks it.
347
00:13:26,710 --> 00:13:28,855
"Hey, I'm the alcohol. Where did I go?"
348
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,723
Behind a mask.
349
00:13:32,429 --> 00:13:35,064
Okay. Next lesson... shots.
350
00:13:35,089 --> 00:13:36,435
Maybe you should slow down.
351
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:38,042
Maybe you should stop being my mommy.
352
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:43,106
The thing to keep in mind
when doing shots is body mass.
353
00:13:43,131 --> 00:13:44,263
How much do you weigh?
354
00:13:44,288 --> 00:13:45,995
We weigh exactly the same, dad.
355
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,399
96 pounds.
356
00:13:48,424 --> 00:13:50,770
Psst. We should share jeans.
357
00:13:52,142 --> 00:13:53,648
The point is,
358
00:13:53,673 --> 00:13:57,450
this will affect you and
me the exact same way.
359
00:13:57,475 --> 00:13:58,955
L'Chaim.
360
00:14:00,775 --> 00:14:02,409
Whoo!
361
00:14:02,434 --> 00:14:03,734
That was noice!
362
00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,320
[Laughs]
363
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:07,646
Man, this is fun. We're having fun.
364
00:14:07,671 --> 00:14:10,450
"Yes, we are." [Laughs]
365
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:11,442
Of course we are.
366
00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:13,352
"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
367
00:14:13,377 --> 00:14:15,845
♪
368
00:14:15,870 --> 00:14:17,404
The reading's full.
369
00:14:17,429 --> 00:14:20,048
No, seriously? For this guy?
370
00:14:22,298 --> 00:14:24,549
No offense. I'm sure it's great.
371
00:14:25,304 --> 00:14:26,688
It's okay, mom.
372
00:14:26,713 --> 00:14:30,121
Hey, why don't we call dad
and meet him at Saddle Burger?
373
00:14:30,146 --> 00:14:32,856
No, no, no, no, no, Dave.
That's your fun thing with dad.
374
00:14:32,881 --> 00:14:34,711
We... we can have fun things, too.
375
00:14:34,736 --> 00:14:36,718
Here. W-wait over there, honey.
376
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,583
Uh... Sir?
377
00:14:39,608 --> 00:14:40,741
I...
378
00:14:40,766 --> 00:14:42,108
"sir," right?
379
00:14:43,306 --> 00:14:44,723
Here's the thing...
380
00:14:44,748 --> 00:14:47,582
Um, my son and I used to do
all this great stuff together,
381
00:14:47,607 --> 00:14:50,346
and now it's all going away.
382
00:14:50,371 --> 00:14:51,538
Why is it going away?
383
00:14:51,563 --> 00:14:56,366
Well, because... He's... Not well.
384
00:14:57,954 --> 00:15:02,875
Oh, so this is kind of a
make-a-wish thing for him?
385
00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:05,219
Sure.
386
00:15:05,244 --> 00:15:08,687
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
387
00:15:08,712 --> 00:15:10,013
Uh, hang on.
388
00:15:10,038 --> 00:15:12,006
[Indistinct whispering]
389
00:15:16,847 --> 00:15:18,550
He's so brave.
390
00:15:18,575 --> 00:15:21,554
My little fighter.
391
00:15:27,075 --> 00:15:28,709
[Slurring] This morning...
392
00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:32,207
This morning, I saw a raccoon
393
00:15:32,233 --> 00:15:34,285
stealing toys from the Ericsons' dog house,
394
00:15:34,310 --> 00:15:37,989
and I was like, "you get out of here!"
395
00:15:40,088 --> 00:15:42,642
[Crying]
396
00:15:44,206 --> 00:15:47,225
I love your mother so much, man.
397
00:15:48,194 --> 00:15:51,005
You should respect your mother.
398
00:15:51,030 --> 00:15:54,578
Although she overdoes it,
she has good intentions.
399
00:15:54,604 --> 00:15:58,777
And then that raccoon disrespected me!
400
00:15:59,254 --> 00:16:01,889
You're not making any sense, dad.
401
00:16:01,914 --> 00:16:03,408
Aha!
402
00:16:03,695 --> 00:16:06,868
That's what I'm trying to teach you, girl.
403
00:16:07,619 --> 00:16:09,586
It's the all-o-col.
404
00:16:09,611 --> 00:16:11,752
It messes with your judgment.
405
00:16:12,224 --> 00:16:15,108
So, can I go to that party?
406
00:16:15,460 --> 00:16:17,344
You better.
407
00:16:18,863 --> 00:16:21,305
Thanks, dad. You sure you're okay?
408
00:16:21,330 --> 00:16:23,751
We live in the golden
age of salted caramel.
409
00:16:23,776 --> 00:16:25,026
Enjoy it.
410
00:16:29,848 --> 00:16:33,118
[German accent] It was
those weekends in Dusseldorf
411
00:16:33,143 --> 00:16:36,526
with her Uncle Zigmund where young Angela
412
00:16:36,552 --> 00:16:40,505
first discovered the joy
of political discourse.
413
00:16:40,530 --> 00:16:44,321
[Snoring]
414
00:16:45,536 --> 00:16:47,154
Is he okay?
415
00:16:47,179 --> 00:16:48,629
Yeah, he's fine.
416
00:16:48,654 --> 00:16:52,369
I mean... Every snore is a gift.
417
00:16:56,124 --> 00:16:57,958
♪
418
00:16:57,983 --> 00:16:59,866
And then he got totally wasted
419
00:16:59,891 --> 00:17:02,857
and shared some very regressive
thoughts on the WNBA.
420
00:17:03,326 --> 00:17:06,952
It was the most uncomfortable
night of my life.
421
00:17:06,977 --> 00:17:09,190
Molly! Ow!
422
00:17:09,215 --> 00:17:10,348
Molly!
423
00:17:10,373 --> 00:17:11,462
Oh, God.
424
00:17:11,487 --> 00:17:15,692
This is called a second wind.
425
00:17:15,762 --> 00:17:18,294
[Exhales deeply]
426
00:17:18,319 --> 00:17:19,869
[Laughs]
427
00:17:19,895 --> 00:17:21,871
Molly.
428
00:17:21,895 --> 00:17:24,262
I love you so much.
429
00:17:26,371 --> 00:17:28,646
I used to give her a bath!
430
00:17:32,408 --> 00:17:34,837
What were you thinking?
431
00:17:34,862 --> 00:17:36,287
I was trying to teach Molly a lesson,
432
00:17:36,312 --> 00:17:38,113
and I guess the wheels kind of came off.
433
00:17:38,138 --> 00:17:39,055
Kind of?
434
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,918
When I came home, you were
in the Ericsons' driveway,
435
00:17:40,943 --> 00:17:42,603
chasing their Cocker Spaniel with a rake
436
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,085
'cause you thought it was a raccoon.
437
00:17:44,110 --> 00:17:46,413
I was protecting my family.
438
00:17:47,281 --> 00:17:50,917
We agreed to deal with
Molly my way this time.
439
00:17:50,942 --> 00:17:52,026
And what did you do?
440
00:17:52,051 --> 00:17:53,767
- I went a little rogue.
- And then?
441
00:17:53,792 --> 00:17:55,407
Got drunk and fought a dog.
442
00:17:55,432 --> 00:17:56,549
And now you need?
443
00:17:56,574 --> 00:17:58,780
A rabies shot.
444
00:17:59,473 --> 00:18:02,613
Look, I'm sorry. I completely screwed up.
445
00:18:02,638 --> 00:18:03,984
[Laughs]
446
00:18:04,009 --> 00:18:06,254
History just keeps repeating
itself, doesn't it?
447
00:18:06,279 --> 00:18:07,468
Ugh!
448
00:18:07,493 --> 00:18:09,876
I am not America's dad.
449
00:18:09,901 --> 00:18:13,131
Well, I'm not America's mom, either.
450
00:18:13,377 --> 00:18:15,065
What's wrong with us?
451
00:18:15,105 --> 00:18:16,866
We've been parents for 16 years.
452
00:18:16,891 --> 00:18:18,438
We should be better at it by now.
453
00:18:18,463 --> 00:18:19,963
Dave didn't like the Merkel dude?
454
00:18:19,988 --> 00:18:21,271
He slept through it,
455
00:18:21,296 --> 00:18:23,965
and that was after I got
nabbed for an illegal u-ey,
456
00:18:23,990 --> 00:18:25,275
accidentally hit on a lady cop,
457
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:26,891
and pretended Dave was terminally ill.
458
00:18:26,916 --> 00:18:28,396
You hit on a lady cop?
459
00:18:28,421 --> 00:18:32,004
Whatever you're picturing,
picture the opposite.
460
00:18:32,332 --> 00:18:33,964
Still plays.
461
00:18:34,829 --> 00:18:38,657
Hey, mom, can we have another
adventure like last night?
462
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:40,074
Really? You had a good time?
463
00:18:40,099 --> 00:18:41,120
I thought you fell asleep.
464
00:18:41,145 --> 00:18:43,479
I did, but mom drove super fast,
465
00:18:43,504 --> 00:18:46,004
said a bunch of swear
words, and the cops came.
466
00:18:46,029 --> 00:18:47,682
It was badass!
467
00:18:48,095 --> 00:18:51,437
You know what, Dave? It was badass.
468
00:18:51,462 --> 00:18:53,137
And we're gonna do it again soon.
469
00:18:55,031 --> 00:18:56,455
Hey.
470
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:59,049
Oh, hey, guess what, Molly.
471
00:18:59,432 --> 00:19:02,202
I'm wearing your jeans.
472
00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:07,738
Molly, Molly... wait.
473
00:19:08,251 --> 00:19:09,302
I'm sorry.
474
00:19:09,327 --> 00:19:11,539
Yeah, you should be. You humiliated me.
475
00:19:11,564 --> 00:19:13,155
You looked like a complete idiot...
476
00:19:13,180 --> 00:19:14,814
And trust me, I am never gonna drink,
477
00:19:14,839 --> 00:19:17,444
because I never want to look
like you did last night.
478
00:19:17,470 --> 00:19:19,331
Dave.
479
00:19:21,397 --> 00:19:23,858
[Door closes]
480
00:19:23,883 --> 00:19:25,489
Did you hear that?
481
00:19:25,515 --> 00:19:27,651
She's never gonna drink!
482
00:19:27,675 --> 00:19:31,294
It worked! I'm a good dad!
483
00:19:31,319 --> 00:19:32,665
And I'm a badass mom!
484
00:19:32,691 --> 00:19:34,525
[Both chuckle]
485
00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:35,549
You know what?
486
00:19:35,574 --> 00:19:37,011
Maybe we're getting the hang of
487
00:19:37,036 --> 00:19:38,368
this parenting thing after all.
488
00:19:38,393 --> 00:19:39,604
Fo' sho.
489
00:19:39,629 --> 00:19:40,702
Ugh.
490
00:19:40,727 --> 00:19:41,726
Did I spit on you?
491
00:19:41,751 --> 00:19:43,835
No, it's just racially uncool.
492
00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:46,784
Got it.
493
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,845
Julie?
494
00:19:56,224 --> 00:19:59,909
I also watch the "Grey's Anatomy,"
495
00:19:59,934 --> 00:20:04,437
and I was thinking that maybe
I could be your... Person.
496
00:20:06,517 --> 00:20:08,175
That is so sweet.
497
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:08,953
Hmm.
498
00:20:08,978 --> 00:20:10,895
Especially with this whole Topher thing
499
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,189
- and not having anyone here to share it with.
- Mm-hmm.
500
00:20:13,214 --> 00:20:16,579
- I mean, I know deep down he might not be the one.
- No, no.
501
00:20:16,604 --> 00:20:18,718
Excuse me. Dr. Julie Dobbs?
502
00:20:18,877 --> 00:20:22,680
♪ No, I've never seen
nothing like you ♪
503
00:20:22,705 --> 00:20:23,746
Can I help you?
504
00:20:23,771 --> 00:20:25,104
Yes. I'm new here.
505
00:20:25,129 --> 00:20:26,462
Can you take me to the file room
506
00:20:26,487 --> 00:20:28,370
and show me how to file these?
507
00:20:28,529 --> 00:20:29,857
Oh, my God.
508
00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:34,121
Do you know how rude it
is to interrupt a doctor
509
00:20:34,146 --> 00:20:36,169
when she's talking to her person?
510
00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,513
- But I just wanted to...
- A-bup-bup! Rude!
511
00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:41,031
Just find the door that
says "file room," Bro.
512
00:20:45,514 --> 00:20:47,757
Super annoying.
513
00:20:47,782 --> 00:20:50,102
Anyway...
514
00:20:50,470 --> 00:20:52,109
I just don't know
515
00:20:52,134 --> 00:20:56,970
how I'm ever gonna find
someone else, you know?
516
00:20:56,995 --> 00:20:58,038
Okay.