1
00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:06,466
Allison! Big D!
2
00:00:06,539 --> 00:00:07,904
(WHOOPING)
3
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,374
Shh! Reading.
4
00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:12,274
Okay, buzz killed.
5
00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:14,506
Time of death, 7:31.
6
00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:16,309
Where's Molly?
7
00:00:16,383 --> 00:00:17,543
At a party.
8
00:00:17,617 --> 00:00:19,812
A party on a weeknight?
What is she, a rapper?
9
00:00:21,421 --> 00:00:23,946
What you reading there, animal?
One of those Nancy Drews?
10
00:00:24,324 --> 00:00:27,191
No, Ken. Though happy 80th birthday
to that reference.
11
00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:31,462
Our son is reading a biography
of German chancellor Angela Merkel.
12
00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:34,329
Oh, Angela. Didn't see that coming.
13
00:00:34,401 --> 00:00:36,369
Oh, no, she didn't!
14
00:00:36,936 --> 00:00:38,301
He's turning out weird.
15
00:00:40,006 --> 00:00:41,598
So, the Merkster.
16
00:00:41,674 --> 00:00:43,141
Merkelangelo.
17
00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:45,536
I'm familiar. Teutonic gal.
18
00:00:45,612 --> 00:00:46,840
Kind of looks like Paul McCartney.
19
00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:48,608
Please. She doesn't look like...
20
00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:51,612
Oh, yeah, that is Paul.
21
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:55,380
Hey, buddy.
Why don't you slap a bookmark in that brick,
22
00:00:55,455 --> 00:00:57,082
and we'll go hit Saddle Burger.
23
00:00:57,157 --> 00:01:00,126
They got a new 64-ounce milkshake
that comes in a plastic boot.
24
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:02,285
Let's bounce. I'll go grab my lactaid.
25
00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:05,188
What are you doing? We were reading.
26
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:09,695
He can read anytime. But the milkshake
boot's only available while supplies last.
27
00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:12,035
Dave, boot!
28
00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:14,869
I feel like you're always
the one that does fun stuff with him.
29
00:01:14,941 --> 00:01:16,340
He sees you as the fun one.
30
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:18,603
Aw, thanks. I really do make
an effort with the boy.
31
00:01:19,045 --> 00:01:21,172
I'm serious. All I do is read with him.
32
00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:23,681
And bitch and moan to me
about it, but continue.
33
00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:28,481
When he was little, we used to have
all kinds of Mommy-Dave adventures.
34
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:31,113
I would take him to the beach,
the children's museum.
35
00:01:32,492 --> 00:01:34,653
Oh, my God. I can't remember the last time
36
00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:36,284
he and I did something fun together.
37
00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:38,523
Come on. Just last week, you took him
38
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,759
to that place and he got a toy.
39
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,324
That place was the dentist.
40
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:44,636
The toy was a toothbrush.
41
00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:46,938
Okay, but you took him to that aquarium.
42
00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:48,439
That was also the dentist.
43
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,974
There's a fish tank in the lobby.
44
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,409
The dentist sounds like a blast.
45
00:01:52,479 --> 00:01:54,674
Hey, maybe I should
take him there. (CHUCKLES)
46
00:01:54,747 --> 00:01:56,009
Dave, come on!
47
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:04,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
48
00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,257
That was awesome, Dad.
49
00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:10,819
- Here, Mom.
- Oh, thanks, Dave.
50
00:02:10,897 --> 00:02:14,594
Wash it by hand. It says dishwasher-safe,
but I don't want to risk it.
51
00:02:15,435 --> 00:02:17,130
- (CLICKS TONGUE)
- Good night, partner.
52
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,106
So, you had a good time, huh?
53
00:02:20,173 --> 00:02:22,403
Well, tomorrow, he and I
are gonna have a good time.
54
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:25,171
I'm taking him on an
old-school Mommy-Dave adventure.
55
00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:27,475
I need to show him
that I can still be the fun one.
56
00:02:27,547 --> 00:02:30,641
Good for you, Bae.
What are you gonna do? Saddle Burger?
57
00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:31,877
No.
58
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,215
Any lazy parent can take a kid
to Saddle Burger.
59
00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:38,123
I'm gonna solidify our mother-son bond
60
00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:40,159
during this critical time in his development.
61
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:41,784
So, Saddle Burger.
62
00:02:41,861 --> 00:02:43,294
(LAUGHING) No.
63
00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:44,625
I went online and found out
64
00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:46,324
the author of that Merkel biography
65
00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:48,526
is doing a reading
tomorrow night downtown.
66
00:02:48,601 --> 00:02:50,865
It's an hour away.
It's gonna be like a mini road trip.
67
00:02:50,937 --> 00:02:53,030
And he gets to stay up late.
Oh, he's gonna love it!
68
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:55,939
Babe, stop selling. It's Merkel. I get it.
69
00:02:57,610 --> 00:02:59,669
Hey, guys. What's up?
70
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:01,304
Hey, Mol. It's not even 9:00.
71
00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:03,042
What happened to the party?
72
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:05,084
Okay, I'll tell you guys what happened
73
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,675
if you promise not to get mad at me.
74
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,411
I don't think we want to give up
our right to get mad.
75
00:03:10,456 --> 00:03:12,151
We might end up wanting that.
76
00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:14,318
If we get mad, she won't tell us.
77
00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:16,328
- Good point.
- Can we ask questions?
78
00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,261
Hmm, you each get one.
79
00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:20,856
- I don't think we're gonna do better than this.
- Fine. Proceed.
80
00:03:22,135 --> 00:03:24,569
Okay. The police came
and shut down the party
81
00:03:24,637 --> 00:03:27,367
because some of the kids
were drinking and they were underage.
82
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,101
All right. Is there more?
83
00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:30,902
No, and not a wise use of your question.
84
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:32,137
Damn!
85
00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:33,473
Hold on.
86
00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:36,104
- Don't I get a question?
- Yes! Good question, Mom!
87
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,581
- Damn.
- Stop.
88
00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:43,152
New game. It's called "Tell us if you were one
of the kids who was drinking."
89
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,714
It's similar to scattergories,
except you tell us
90
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,760
if you were one of the kids who was drinking.
91
00:03:49,262 --> 00:03:51,196
I drank half a beer,
but I thought it was gross,
92
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:52,925
so I dumped it out on the lawn.
93
00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:55,626
Okay, honey. Thank you for telling us.
94
00:03:56,369 --> 00:03:57,893
You're welcome. Good night.
95
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,968
"Thank you for telling us"?
96
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:10,177
It's called positively
reinforcing our daughter's honesty.
97
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:14,184
Okay, while we're doing that,
I'm thinking boarding school, the marines,
98
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,653
something in the religious world?
99
00:04:17,123 --> 00:04:19,182
Listen to you.
I thought you were the fun one.
100
00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:21,726
I'm fun with Dave. Molly's
a raging alcoholic!
101
00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:23,962
Okay, okay, Ken.
102
00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:26,089
Take a knee. Let's just talk this through.
103
00:04:26,165 --> 00:04:27,792
Oh, I know what you're gonna say.
104
00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:31,030
"I'm Allison, our daughter
was honest with us,
105
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:34,904
"just like I was with my hippie parents
on that groovy commune."
106
00:04:36,142 --> 00:04:38,167
Look, there's no reason
to make this into a thing.
107
00:04:38,244 --> 00:04:41,407
But it is a thing.
Our teenage daughter was drinking.
108
00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:42,778
You know what my dad did to me
109
00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:44,339
the one time he caught me drinking?
110
00:04:44,517 --> 00:04:45,609
This!
111
00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:47,683
He burned you?
112
00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:49,585
No, he said, "I'm a-disappointed."
113
00:04:49,656 --> 00:04:50,918
For over an hour.
114
00:04:50,990 --> 00:04:53,322
I finally nodded off
and fell on my mom's curling iron.
115
00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:57,295
But the point is, he didn't just do nothing.
116
00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:00,163
Remember when you thought
Molly snuck out
117
00:05:00,266 --> 00:05:03,167
and I said we should back off,
but you couldn't let it go? What happened?
118
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,430
I went a little rogue.
119
00:05:04,504 --> 00:05:05,903
- And then?
- To a rave.
120
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,166
- And ended up?
- In jail.
121
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,468
Right.
122
00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:09,872
This time, we do it my way.
123
00:05:10,677 --> 00:05:12,110
Hey, I did my time!
124
00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:14,146
Society forgave me. Why can't you?
125
00:05:14,714 --> 00:05:15,942
Thug life, yo!
126
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,386
People, I'm gonna say a number,
127
00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:27,584
and I want you to tell me
what you think it represents.
128
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:28,888
Seventy seven.
129
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,860
- Your I.Q.
- How many girls you had to ask to the prom?
130
00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:32,295
The number of times you cried this week.
131
00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:33,423
The year you bought that suit?
132
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,495
The number of one-armed
push-ups you can do?
133
00:05:38,237 --> 00:05:40,467
I don't have your guys' seniority.
134
00:05:40,873 --> 00:05:42,340
Latex gloves.
135
00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:44,376
Yesterday alone, this wing of the clinic
136
00:05:44,444 --> 00:05:47,038
used 77 pairs of these bad boys.
137
00:05:48,381 --> 00:05:52,317
From now on, don't automatically
put them on for every appointment.
138
00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:54,353
You know, wait till things start to get...
139
00:05:55,254 --> 00:05:56,619
Prostate-y.
140
00:05:57,156 --> 00:06:00,751
Pat, why don't you go climb into the MRI
machine with all the people who like you.
141
00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:05,094
Okay. But I'll be back.
142
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,860
(CHUCKLING) I didn't
mean that threateningly.
143
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:10,459
It's just I work here and
I often pass this way.
144
00:06:12,238 --> 00:06:15,674
Limit our glove use? That is crazy fo' sho.
145
00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:17,505
- Unh-unh, don't do that.
- Really?
146
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,374
We're not at that place
where we can playfully draw upon
147
00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:20,935
each other's stereotypes for emphasis?
148
00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:22,503
No, you spit on me when you said "fo' sho."
149
00:06:22,615 --> 00:06:23,707
Oh.
150
00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:27,478
Man, that guy always
manages to come in when I'm in a bad mood.
151
00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:30,317
Ohh, what's crunching
your crackers, Dr. Ken?
152
00:06:32,191 --> 00:06:33,818
Molly. She's been drinking.
153
00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:35,758
- A lot?
- Half a beer.
154
00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:38,456
Or as they call it in Korea,
a whore's breakfast.
155
00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:41,257
And Allison doesn't even think we should...
156
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,030
I'm sorry I'm late, everyone,
but there's a reason.
157
00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:45,968
Topher and I broke up. (GASPS)
158
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:54,507
Anyway, Allison doesn't
even want to punish her.
159
00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:56,411
So I'm supposed to just sit by and watch
160
00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:59,713
while my daughter turns into
Dudley Moore from Arthur.
161
00:06:59,852 --> 00:07:01,615
Or Russell Brand from Arthur!
162
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:03,619
Or Russell Brand!
163
00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:07,625
It seems like the right
response for half a beer.
164
00:07:07,693 --> 00:07:09,285
Okay, Damona, accurate sarcasm
165
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:11,660
is not what Dr. Ken needs right now.
166
00:07:11,731 --> 00:07:13,358
He needs a hug.
167
00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:16,495
- Oh, okay, okay, all right.
- Okay, I have read this wrong.
168
00:07:19,138 --> 00:07:20,901
Sounds like this marital conflict
169
00:07:20,973 --> 00:07:24,067
isn't just about not wanting
to take hip-hop dance classes.
170
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:26,202
It's about teenage drinking.
171
00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:28,380
First of all, I'm taking
the class without her and it's fine.
172
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,915
I'm partnered with the teacher.
173
00:07:30,917 --> 00:07:33,317
But you're right. What am I gonna do?
174
00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:36,884
Well, when my mom caught me
sneaking a glass of wine,
175
00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:39,523
she sat me down and made me
drink the whole bottle.
176
00:07:39,892 --> 00:07:42,622
You know what?
I think your mom had it figured out.
177
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:44,060
Definitely, she figured out
178
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,257
how to give a 14-year-old
a Chablis dependency.
179
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:48,858
Wait.
180
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:51,130
You're gonna make Molly drink
until she gets sick?
181
00:07:52,171 --> 00:07:55,106
No. I'm gonna sit her down, let her drink,
182
00:07:55,174 --> 00:07:57,369
and educate her about what it does to people
183
00:07:57,577 --> 00:07:59,909
because that's what doctors do.
184
00:08:00,012 --> 00:08:01,479
And that's what I'm gonna do
185
00:08:01,547 --> 00:08:03,344
the moment I get home from hip-hop class.
186
00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:16,087
Hello, Molly.
187
00:08:16,195 --> 00:08:17,560
Aah! Aah.
188
00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:19,188
Where are you going?
189
00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:21,028
To a party at Kyle Cronin's house.
190
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,897
- Mmm-mmm.
- Mom said I could go.
191
00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:24,732
Well, mom's not here, is she?
192
00:08:24,871 --> 00:08:26,270
Seriously. Is she?
193
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,940
It's not even a big party.
194
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:31,374
It's just some kids hanging out.
And it's two blocks away.
195
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,038
Well, you know which house
is no blocks away?
196
00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:35,205
Here.
197
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,943
You're making me stay home?
I drank half a beer.
198
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:41,748
(LAUGHS) I'm not gonna even
tell you what they call that in Korea.
199
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:46,749
Look, you're obviously at an age
where you're around drinking, so...
200
00:08:46,826 --> 00:08:49,420
I just want to show you
the effects of alcohol on the human body
201
00:08:49,495 --> 00:08:51,122
so you can make responsible decisions.
202
00:08:51,430 --> 00:08:52,761
(SIGHS) I cannot believe this.
203
00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:56,290
Well, believe it,
'cause it's happening, and that is fo' sho.
204
00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,334
- Ew.
- Sorry.
205
00:08:59,405 --> 00:09:01,168
I get spitty when I go urban, so...
206
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:04,403
Just hear me out.
207
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,445
The gloved hand does the dirty work.
208
00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:08,275
You know, all the... And...
209
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:10,608
Ugh.
210
00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:15,112
But the bare hand
takes care of more pedestrian tasks,
211
00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:18,315
like writing stuff down
or high-fiving the patient
212
00:09:18,524 --> 00:09:20,992
when the gloved hand
finds there's nothing wrong.
213
00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:26,160
I was about to go home early,
and then I realized,
214
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,723
my place is here with all of you.
215
00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:33,762
You know, with the whole Topher thing.
216
00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:36,364
Does no one care about my emotional life?
217
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:38,774
I'm not sure I know who you are.
218
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:44,781
Excuse me, but that is Dr. Julie...
219
00:09:44,850 --> 00:09:46,613
Oh, my God, this is the wrong moment
220
00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:48,119
for me to have blanked on her last name.
221
00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:50,449
Wow.
222
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,957
Honey, you work at a mid-level HMO.
223
00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:54,652
Where the supervisor counts our gloves.
224
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:56,820
What did you think
it was gonna be like, Grey's Anatomy?
225
00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:58,430
Yes, I did.
226
00:09:59,231 --> 00:10:02,598
Grey's Anatomy is the reason
I wanted to become a doctor.
227
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:08,296
The drama, the romance,
and much more attractive people.
228
00:10:10,576 --> 00:10:11,770
Hey.
229
00:10:11,911 --> 00:10:13,310
They are as God made them.
230
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,044
I don't know
what y'all talking about. I look good.
231
00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:20,717
I thought that
what was going on in our personal lives
232
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:23,152
would neatly dovetail with
what was going on with work.
233
00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:24,586
You know, like...
234
00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:27,319
"What are we gonna do
about this hypertension?"
235
00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:30,760
And "what are we gonna do
about this sexual tension?"
236
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:35,625
And I thought that maybe, just maybe,
237
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,735
I would find my person.
238
00:10:41,007 --> 00:10:42,668
But I guess that doesn't happen here
239
00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:44,209
at this impersonal clinic,
240
00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:46,540
where average-looking people greet you
241
00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:48,273
with above-average apathy.
242
00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:51,606
So now I know.
243
00:10:53,352 --> 00:10:54,376
Aw.
244
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,112
You seem upset.
245
00:10:58,224 --> 00:10:59,316
Here.
246
00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:04,286
Have half a tissue.
247
00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:12,069
Do you think he'll read about
248
00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,469
Angela's early years as a chemist
249
00:11:13,539 --> 00:11:15,200
or focus on her rise to power?
250
00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:16,866
Mm, maybe he'll do both, Dave.
251
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:18,700
Don't tease me, Mom.
252
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:22,911
Are we gonna be late?
253
00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:24,449
(CHUCKLING) No.
254
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,486
'Cause your awesome mom
left a time cushion.
255
00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:29,544
Oh, crap. I missed the turn.
256
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,552
(TIRES SCREECHING)
257
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:37,455
Mom, was that an illegal U-turn?
258
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:38,656
(CHUCKLING) No.
259
00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:39,924
(SIREN WAILING)
260
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,697
Mom, was that every major
swear word in a row?
261
00:11:47,740 --> 00:11:49,731
Might have been, Dave. Might have been.
262
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:54,607
Alcohol is absorbed directly
into the bloodstream
263
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,079
through the lining of the mouth...
264
00:11:56,148 --> 00:11:58,480
And the tissue that line the stomach
and the small intestine.
265
00:11:58,584 --> 00:12:00,245
Please don't interrupt.
266
00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:05,078
And the tissue that lines the stomach
and the small intestine.
267
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:07,487
Once in your bloodstream,
268
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,152
it's carried to the organs
of your body within...
269
00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:10,489
90 seconds.
270
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,589
No, within about 90 seconds.
271
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:17,664
Dad, I know all this. Please let me go.
272
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,706
Molly, there's a difference
between knowing it
273
00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:22,569
and experiencing it.
274
00:12:24,276 --> 00:12:25,709
Just go ahead and take a sip.
275
00:12:25,778 --> 00:12:26,938
I don't want to.
276
00:12:27,012 --> 00:12:30,379
Seriously, it's okay.
I'm just trying to create a safe space
277
00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:31,541
for you to try this.
278
00:12:33,552 --> 00:12:34,644
Fine.
279
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,288
Ew. This tastes like rust.
280
00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:41,121
Really? This is a nice cab.
281
00:12:43,896 --> 00:12:46,262
(LAUGHING) Oh, man, I needed that.
282
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:51,531
Any idea why I pulled you over?
283
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:52,969
Not really.
284
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:55,035
Was it for hanging that sick U-ey?
285
00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:56,467
Bingo.
286
00:12:58,010 --> 00:12:59,978
Very dangerous maneuver, ma'am.
287
00:13:00,312 --> 00:13:01,506
Agreed.
288
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:03,947
I'll be back in a minute.
289
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,274
Wait, Officer.
290
00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:10,454
(CHUCKLING) I am...
291
00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:12,420
I'm really sorry about what I did. I...
292
00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:14,686
But surely a tall, handsome officer like you
293
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:19,322
could find a way to
forgive a sweet, silly woman like me?
294
00:13:19,398 --> 00:13:20,797
Please, sir?
295
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:23,426
Ma'am, I'm not a sir.
296
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,300
Copy that.
297
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:38,541
Ahh.
298
00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:42,245
Now, how was I able to drink that so fast?
299
00:13:43,455 --> 00:13:46,618
Here's a secret big daiquiri
doesn't want you to know.
300
00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:50,257
The fructose in the strawberry
301
00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:52,627
masks the taste of the alcohol.
302
00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:54,255
It masks it.
303
00:13:56,135 --> 00:13:58,000
"Hey, I'm the alcohol. Where did I go?"
304
00:13:58,070 --> 00:13:59,560
Behind a mask.
305
00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:04,068
Okay. Next lesson, shots.
306
00:14:04,143 --> 00:14:05,610
Maybe you should slow down.
307
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,270
Maybe you should stop being my mommy.
308
00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:12,006
The thing to keep in mind
when doing shots is body mass.
309
00:14:12,117 --> 00:14:13,584
How much do you weigh?
310
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,347
We weigh exactly the same, Dad.
311
00:14:15,988 --> 00:14:17,319
96 pounds.
312
00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:19,685
Psst. We should share jeans.
313
00:14:22,061 --> 00:14:26,361
The point is, this will affect
you and me the exact same way.
314
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,094
L'chaim.
315
00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:31,730
Whoo!
316
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:33,271
That was noice!
317
00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:34,499
(LAUGHS)
318
00:14:34,573 --> 00:14:36,803
Man, this is fun. We're having fun.
319
00:14:36,909 --> 00:14:39,275
"Yes, we are." (LAUGHS)
320
00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:40,676
Of course we are.
321
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:42,407
(HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING)
322
00:14:45,184 --> 00:14:46,412
The reading's full.
323
00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:49,153
No, seriously? For this guy?
324
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,421
No offense. I'm sure it's great.
325
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:55,958
It's okay, Mom.
326
00:14:56,295 --> 00:14:59,389
Hey, why don't we call dad
and meet him at Saddle Burger?
327
00:14:59,498 --> 00:15:01,932
No, no, no, no, no, Dave.
That's your fun thing with dad.
328
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:03,969
We can have fun things, too.
329
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:06,037
Here. Wait over there, honey.
330
00:15:07,506 --> 00:15:08,768
Uh, sir?
331
00:15:09,174 --> 00:15:10,232
I...
332
00:15:10,309 --> 00:15:11,571
"Sir," right?
333
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:14,807
Here's the thing, um...
334
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:18,179
My son and I used to do
all this great stuff together,
335
00:15:18,284 --> 00:15:19,478
and now it's all going away.
336
00:15:19,618 --> 00:15:20,744
Why is it going away?
337
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:25,320
Well, because... He's not well.
338
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:31,653
Oh, so this is kind of
a make-a-wish thing for him?
339
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:33,690
Sure.
340
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,594
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
341
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:39,502
Uh, hang on.
342
00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:41,605
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
343
00:15:46,912 --> 00:15:48,140
He's so brave.
344
00:15:48,213 --> 00:15:49,874
My little fighter.
345
00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:58,387
(SLURRING) This morning,
346
00:15:58,524 --> 00:16:01,220
this morning, I saw a raccoon
347
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,587
stealing toys from the Ericsons' dog house,
348
00:16:03,662 --> 00:16:06,130
and I was like, "You get out of here!"
349
00:16:09,868 --> 00:16:11,165
(CRYING)
350
00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:16,240
I love your mother so much, man.
351
00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:19,843
You should respect your mother.
352
00:16:20,846 --> 00:16:24,145
Although she overdoes it,
she has good intentions.
353
00:16:24,283 --> 00:16:27,980
And then that raccoon disrespected me!
354
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:31,148
You're not making any sense, Dad.
355
00:16:31,223 --> 00:16:32,281
Aha!
356
00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:36,059
That's what I'm trying to teach you, girl.
357
00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:38,960
It's the all-o-col.
358
00:16:39,031 --> 00:16:40,965
It messes with your judgment.
359
00:16:42,101 --> 00:16:44,126
So, can I go to that party?
360
00:16:44,903 --> 00:16:46,097
You better.
361
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:50,372
Thanks, Dad. You sure you're okay?
362
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:53,170
We live in the golden age of salted caramel.
363
00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:54,337
Enjoy it.
364
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:02,343
(GERMAN ACCENT) It was
those weekends in Düsseldorf
365
00:17:02,454 --> 00:17:05,685
with her uncle Zigmund where young Angela
366
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:09,285
first discovered the joy
of political discourse.
367
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,259
(SNORING)
368
00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:16,264
Is he okay?
369
00:17:16,335 --> 00:17:17,927
Yeah, he's fine.
370
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,938
I mean... Every snore is a gift.
371
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:29,146
And then he got totally wasted
372
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:32,149
and shared some
very regressive thoughts on the WNBA.
373
00:17:33,085 --> 00:17:36,486
It was the most uncomfortable
night of my life.
374
00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:38,147
Molly! Ow!
375
00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:39,582
Molly!
376
00:17:39,658 --> 00:17:40,886
Oh, God.
377
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:44,894
This is called a second wind.
378
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:46,825
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
379
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:48,457
(LAUGHS)
380
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:51,334
Molly.
381
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:53,405
I love you so much.
382
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,899
I used to give her a bath!
383
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,115
What were you thinking?
384
00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:05,649
I was trying to teach Molly a lesson,
385
00:18:05,717 --> 00:18:07,378
and I guess the wheels kind of came off.
386
00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:08,646
Kind of?
387
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,278
When I came home, you were
in the Ericsons' driveway,
388
00:18:10,389 --> 00:18:11,856
chasing their cocker spaniel with a rake
389
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,357
'cause you thought it was a raccoon.
390
00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:15,825
I was protecting my family.
391
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:21,227
We agreed to deal with Molly
my way this time. And what did you do?
392
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:22,995
- I went a little rogue.
- And then?
393
00:18:23,135 --> 00:18:24,625
Got drunk and fought a dog.
394
00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:25,761
And now you need?
395
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,066
A rabies shot.
396
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,501
Look, I'm sorry. I completely screwed up.
397
00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:33,505
(LAUGHS)
398
00:18:33,579 --> 00:18:36,241
History just keeps repeating
itself, doesn't it? Ugh!
399
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:39,116
I am not America's dad.
400
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,945
Well, I'm not America's mom, either.
401
00:18:43,055 --> 00:18:44,522
What's wrong with us?
402
00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:46,023
We've been parents for 16 years.
403
00:18:46,091 --> 00:18:47,786
We should be better at it by now.
404
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,054
Dave didn't like the Merkel dude?
405
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,561
He slept through it,
406
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:53,120
and that was after
I got nabbed for an illegal U-ey,
407
00:18:53,198 --> 00:18:54,631
accidentally hit on a lady cop,
408
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:55,928
and pretended Dave was terminally ill.
409
00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:57,968
You hit on a lady cop?
410
00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:01,032
Whatever you're picturing,
picture the opposite.
411
00:19:02,341 --> 00:19:03,740
Still plays.
412
00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:07,601
Hey, Mom, can we have another
adventure like last night?
413
00:19:07,679 --> 00:19:09,078
Really? You had a good time?
414
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,240
I thought you fell asleep.
415
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,715
I did, but mom drove super-fast,
416
00:19:12,784 --> 00:19:15,252
said a bunch of swear words,
and the cops came.
417
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:16,844
It was badass!
418
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:20,622
You know what, Dave? It was badass.
419
00:19:20,692 --> 00:19:22,489
And we're gonna do it again soon.
420
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:25,758
Hey.
421
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:27,458
Oh, hey, guess what, Molly.
422
00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:30,428
I'm wearing your jeans.
423
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:36,140
Molly, Molly, wait.
424
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:38,539
I'm sorry.
425
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:40,838
Yeah, you should be. You humiliated me.
426
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:42,540
You looked like a complete idiot,
427
00:19:42,614 --> 00:19:44,047
and trust me, I am never gonna drink,
428
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,550
because I never want to
look like you did last night.
429
00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:48,044
Dave.
430
00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:55,286
Did you hear that?
431
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,624
She's never gonna drink! It worked!
432
00:19:58,564 --> 00:20:00,532
I'm a good dad!
433
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:02,089
And I'm a badass mom!
434
00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:03,657
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
435
00:20:04,102 --> 00:20:06,161
You know what?
Maybe we're getting the hang of
436
00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:07,637
this parenting thing after all.
437
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,298
- Fo' sho.
- Ugh.
438
00:20:09,641 --> 00:20:10,903
Did I spit on you?
439
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:12,967
No, it's just racially uncool.
440
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,239
Got it.
441
00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:23,748
Julie?
442
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:29,022
I also watch the Grey's Anatomy.
443
00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:33,656
And I was thinking that maybe
I could be your person.
444
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:38,095
- That is so sweet.
- Hmm.
445
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,728
Especially with this whole Topher thing
446
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:42,137
and not having anyone here to share it with.
447
00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:44,072
I mean, I know deep down
448
00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:46,041
- he might not be the one.
- No, no.
449
00:20:46,111 --> 00:20:47,703
Excuse me. Dr. Julie Dobbs?
450
00:20:51,483 --> 00:20:52,677
Can I help you?
451
00:20:53,051 --> 00:20:55,485
Yes. I'm new here.
Can you take me to the file room
452
00:20:55,554 --> 00:20:57,078
and show me how to file these?
453
00:20:58,056 --> 00:20:59,421
Oh, my God.
454
00:21:00,692 --> 00:21:03,252
Do you know how rude it is
to interrupt a doctor
455
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:05,228
when she's talking to her person?
456
00:21:05,497 --> 00:21:07,556
- But I just wanted to...
- A-bup-bup! Rude!
457
00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:09,994
Just find the door that
says "file room," bro.
458
00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:17,903
Super annoying. Anyway...
459
00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:21,336
I just don't know
460
00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:24,211
how I'm ever gonna find
someone else, you know?
461
00:21:26,318 --> 00:21:27,410
Okay.
462
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:34,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll