1
00:00:01,891 --> 00:00:05,817
I just got a $20 tip on a $10 check.
2
00:00:05,833 --> 00:00:09,032
I may be the greatest waitress
ever and strangely that doesn't
3
00:00:09,033 --> 00:00:10,520
make me want to die.
4
00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:15,345
You're finally getting the hang
of a job you've had for years.
5
00:00:15,411 --> 00:00:17,252
Is your last name Obama?
6
00:00:19,205 --> 00:00:23,750
Another big tip. I think it's my smile.
7
00:00:28,715 --> 00:00:30,475
Well, something's smiling.
8
00:00:32,255 --> 00:00:35,955
Pickup Patty melt.
Correction, panty melt.
9
00:00:37,629 --> 00:00:40,513
- Caroline you have...
- What Max? Pride in a job well done.
10
00:00:40,514 --> 00:00:42,867
Yes, some of us can still feel pride.
11
00:00:43,483 --> 00:00:47,101
Yeah for another 10 seconds.
12
00:00:47,983 --> 00:00:48,767
Caroline...
13
00:00:53,366 --> 00:00:56,508
This reminds me when I saw
my mother's side boob.
14
00:00:58,479 --> 00:01:00,045
Max, you have to say something.
15
00:01:00,404 --> 00:01:01,468
Caroline!
16
00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:04,844
Hey, look, I just got a $10 tip
from this guy and I spilled
17
00:01:04,846 --> 00:01:06,470
coffee on his face.
18
00:01:08,098 --> 00:01:10,988
Screw it, I'm taking the
ab-straining money tab.
19
00:01:12,274 --> 00:01:16,354
Nope, not wearing underwear.
20
00:01:18,515 --> 00:01:25,310
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
21
00:01:34,062 --> 00:01:36,029
I know it's technically good
to have a big order,
22
00:01:36,031 --> 00:01:37,664
but I am five cupcakes away
23
00:01:37,666 --> 00:01:41,368
from what professional
doctors call T.Rex arm.
24
00:01:41,370 --> 00:01:44,137
Like you always tell me...
use your other hand.
25
00:01:44,139 --> 00:01:47,073
It'll feel like a stranger.
26
00:01:47,075 --> 00:01:49,743
And how about our new business labels
27
00:01:49,745 --> 00:01:54,414
and my ability to be excited
about literally anything?
28
00:01:54,416 --> 00:01:56,316
I got them with the
money you were saving
29
00:01:56,318 --> 00:01:58,918
for that Porky Pig bong.
30
00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:01,154
But when it's down to just resin,
31
00:02:01,156 --> 00:02:03,723
it says, "That's all, folks."
32
00:02:03,725 --> 00:02:06,459
I'll pay you back as
soon as we get the money
33
00:02:06,461 --> 00:02:09,062
for this big order for... L?
34
00:02:09,064 --> 00:02:11,731
Max, someone named L
ordered these cupcakes?
35
00:02:11,733 --> 00:02:13,833
Oh, that's not an L; that's an I.
36
00:02:13,835 --> 00:02:17,170
Sorry, I learned printing
mostly from ransom notes.
37
00:02:17,172 --> 00:02:18,738
I?
38
00:02:18,740 --> 00:02:22,442
I mean, what kind of person
would just be named I?
39
00:02:22,444 --> 00:02:24,477
This kind.
40
00:02:24,479 --> 00:02:26,813
Hello. That's my order.
41
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:32,118
Yes, they're just about
ready, mis... ter...
42
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,520
I'll spare you the stress
and confusion, dear,
43
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,489
because I can tell by
the size of your pores,
44
00:02:36,491 --> 00:02:40,259
you're a sweater.
45
00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,528
She is.
46
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:43,829
Sometimes she gets so nervous
47
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,531
watching "America's Next Top Model"
48
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:48,634
our couch is slick for days.
49
00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:53,005
Spoiler alert: none of them
are America's next top model.
50
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:55,875
To be clear, I am neither he nor she,
51
00:02:55,877 --> 00:02:59,211
Mr. nor Mrs., male nor female,
52
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,147
and the only part of me
that's transitioning
53
00:03:01,149 --> 00:03:04,316
are my heels from day to evening.
54
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:08,821
I am simply I, and I cannot be labeled.
55
00:03:08,823 --> 00:03:11,490
I am gender fluid.
56
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:12,892
That's cool.
57
00:03:12,894 --> 00:03:16,896
As long as none of it gets on us.
58
00:03:16,898 --> 00:03:19,838
Is my order ready, or do
I have to wade through
59
00:03:19,839 --> 00:03:23,006
more of this poor man's Amy and Tina?
60
00:03:23,008 --> 00:03:26,409
I like to think of us
more as an Ike and Tina.
61
00:03:26,411 --> 00:03:28,311
I'm just finishing
boxing them up for you.
62
00:03:28,313 --> 00:03:30,546
It's okay for cupcakes to
still be put in a box, right?
63
00:03:30,548 --> 00:03:33,316
Just not people.
64
00:03:33,318 --> 00:03:36,285
I'm using your cupcakes
in some performance art.
65
00:03:36,287 --> 00:03:38,621
See, I is a performance
artist this month.
66
00:03:38,623 --> 00:03:41,557
Last month, I was working
at the Cold Stone Creamery
67
00:03:41,559 --> 00:03:43,759
on 8th Street.
68
00:03:43,761 --> 00:03:47,496
Well, I've had sex there.
69
00:03:47,498 --> 00:03:49,832
Yes, well, who hasn't?
70
00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:52,702
The audience will bite into
one of your pretty, pink,
71
00:03:52,704 --> 00:03:55,838
femme-looking cupcakes, only to discover
72
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,842
that I have inserted
a cocktail weenie inside.
73
00:03:59,844 --> 00:04:03,546
But who wants to be surprised
by a little weenie?
74
00:04:07,517 --> 00:04:08,884
I don't mind it.
75
00:04:10,454 --> 00:04:12,688
It's an interactive
experiment that challenges
76
00:04:12,690 --> 00:04:15,124
how we instinctively label one another.
77
00:04:15,126 --> 00:04:17,660
But I don't have to explain
my performance piece to you.
78
00:04:17,662 --> 00:04:20,629
You're not my advisor at The New School.
79
00:04:20,631 --> 00:04:21,931
Forgive me.
80
00:04:21,933 --> 00:04:23,933
I wasn't criticizing your piece.
81
00:04:23,935 --> 00:04:27,536
Yeah, we're still not even
sure if you have one.
82
00:04:28,938 --> 00:04:30,806
Can you excuse us for a minute?
83
00:04:30,808 --> 00:04:32,374
And by the way, the
fuchsia in your blouse
84
00:04:32,376 --> 00:04:36,412
really brings out the red in your beard.
85
00:04:36,414 --> 00:04:38,781
People are gonna see our adorable labels
86
00:04:38,783 --> 00:04:42,317
and think all our cupcakes
are stuffed with wieners.
87
00:04:42,319 --> 00:04:44,086
Would it kill you to have a wiener
88
00:04:44,088 --> 00:04:47,389
stuffed in your cupcake?
89
00:04:47,391 --> 00:04:49,892
Look, someone is paying for them,
90
00:04:49,894 --> 00:04:51,159
and that someone can do
91
00:04:51,161 --> 00:04:52,694
whatever the hell they want with them.
92
00:04:52,696 --> 00:04:53,929
I said the same thing to the people
93
00:04:53,931 --> 00:04:56,698
who bought my kids.
94
00:04:56,700 --> 00:04:58,834
We don't want someone
to deface our cupcakes.
95
00:04:58,836 --> 00:05:00,535
They're meant to be enjoyed by children
96
00:05:00,537 --> 00:05:02,437
or single women when a romantic comedy
97
00:05:02,439 --> 00:05:04,840
hits too close to home.
98
00:05:04,842 --> 00:05:06,708
Money is money. It doesn't matter.
99
00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:08,376
Just put the cupcakes in the bag.
100
00:05:08,378 --> 00:05:09,644
I don't feel good about this.
101
00:05:09,646 --> 00:05:11,413
Sorry, but we're just not comfortable
102
00:05:11,415 --> 00:05:12,547
selling you our cupcakes.
103
00:05:12,549 --> 00:05:15,550
He is right here. Bag it!
104
00:05:15,552 --> 00:05:18,687
What did you just call me?
105
00:05:18,689 --> 00:05:20,322
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
106
00:05:20,324 --> 00:05:21,823
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
107
00:05:21,825 --> 00:05:23,758
I did not say the thing
you thought I said.
108
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,527
I didn't even think it.
109
00:05:25,529 --> 00:05:28,463
In fact, I wasn't listening
to half that crap you said.
110
00:05:28,465 --> 00:05:31,499
She said, "bag it,"
with a B, as in boy...
111
00:05:31,501 --> 00:05:32,967
or not a boy.
112
00:05:32,969 --> 00:05:35,370
Oh, I see what this is.
113
00:05:35,372 --> 00:05:37,605
This is just another homophobic bakery
114
00:05:37,607 --> 00:05:40,575
trying to deny service to people like me.
115
00:05:40,577 --> 00:05:42,477
Well, I don't have to stand here
116
00:05:42,479 --> 00:05:44,345
to tell you how upset I am.
117
00:05:44,347 --> 00:05:47,382
That's what Yelp is for.
118
00:05:49,618 --> 00:05:50,818
Oh, no.
119
00:05:50,820 --> 00:05:54,155
I think Kathy Bates is really mad at us.
120
00:05:55,457 --> 00:05:56,824
Well, that sucks.
121
00:05:56,826 --> 00:06:00,528
Now I want a hot dog.
122
00:06:04,934 --> 00:06:07,335
Where are all the customers?
123
00:06:07,337 --> 00:06:09,003
I haven't seen this few people since...
124
00:06:09,005 --> 00:06:11,639
You went on Tinder?
125
00:06:11,641 --> 00:06:14,041
Your sweet 16 party?
126
00:06:14,043 --> 00:06:15,143
Caroline, throw one in there.
127
00:06:15,145 --> 00:06:17,945
Your season of "The Bachelor"?
128
00:06:17,947 --> 00:06:19,747
I was going to say
129
00:06:19,749 --> 00:06:23,150
so few people since a sale
at your cupcake window.
130
00:06:23,152 --> 00:06:26,654
Boom! I just schooled you.
131
00:06:26,656 --> 00:06:30,591
Well, preschooled us.
132
00:06:30,593 --> 00:06:31,926
Hey, everybody.
133
00:06:35,263 --> 00:06:36,497
Oh, my gosh.
134
00:06:36,499 --> 00:06:39,333
You girls, I raced over here so fast,
135
00:06:39,335 --> 00:06:43,237
I left half my hair in Midtown.
136
00:06:43,239 --> 00:06:44,939
Love the babushka, baby.
137
00:06:44,941 --> 00:06:47,575
Reminds me of my Aunt Schmirna.
138
00:06:47,577 --> 00:06:50,678
Great boobs: one big, one small.
139
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,714
Something for everyone.
140
00:06:53,716 --> 00:06:57,651
Yeah, the gays, they're real mad at you.
141
00:06:57,653 --> 00:07:00,788
Yeah, my stylist, Carl,
told me about two girls
142
00:07:00,790 --> 00:07:03,257
with a cupcake shop in Brooklyn
143
00:07:03,259 --> 00:07:08,328
who didn't want to serve a
member of the LGBTQ community.
144
00:07:08,330 --> 00:07:09,830
LGBTQ?
145
00:07:09,832 --> 00:07:14,134
Those are the trains I take to get here.
146
00:07:14,136 --> 00:07:16,303
Oh, my God. Max, this is terrible.
147
00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:17,538
I know.
148
00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:21,008
Earl only lives a block away.
149
00:07:21,010 --> 00:07:23,677
Why is he taking five trains?
150
00:07:23,679 --> 00:07:26,847
The gays are steaming mad.
151
00:07:26,849 --> 00:07:28,682
You know, if I were you girls,
152
00:07:28,684 --> 00:07:31,218
I would stay away from the Village,
153
00:07:31,220 --> 00:07:34,254
the East River, the Hudson River,
154
00:07:34,256 --> 00:07:36,523
Melissa Rivers,
155
00:07:36,525 --> 00:07:38,592
Pinkberry,
156
00:07:38,594 --> 00:07:40,060
Broadway.
157
00:07:40,062 --> 00:07:44,131
Yeah, and good luck
shopping for dog clothes.
158
00:07:44,133 --> 00:07:47,133
Come on, Sophie. It's not that bad.
159
00:07:47,135 --> 00:07:48,835
Not that bad?
160
00:07:48,837 --> 00:07:50,637
If it wasn't that bad, would
I have left the salon
161
00:07:50,639 --> 00:07:52,639
looking like this?
162
00:07:55,444 --> 00:07:56,543
Oh, my God.
163
00:07:56,545 --> 00:07:57,777
They sent you out like that?
164
00:07:57,779 --> 00:07:58,845
They do hate us!
165
00:07:58,847 --> 00:08:01,214
I know. Tell me about it.
166
00:08:01,216 --> 00:08:02,682
I look like Donald Trump
167
00:08:02,684 --> 00:08:06,619
before they Velcroed that
dead cat to his head.
168
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:15,462
A classic good news/bad news situation.
169
00:08:15,464 --> 00:08:18,565
Good news: I figured out
where all the customers are.
170
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:22,402
Bad news: they're aggressively
protesting your cupcake shop.
171
00:08:25,340 --> 00:08:29,275
You went to Supercuts, didn't you?
172
00:08:29,277 --> 00:08:31,311
I hope you're happy, girls.
173
00:08:31,313 --> 00:08:35,014
Now even Han thinks he's better than me.
174
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,484
No cake equals hate.
175
00:08:38,486 --> 00:08:40,586
No cake equals hate.
176
00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:41,888
No cake equals hate.
177
00:08:41,890 --> 00:08:43,823
No cake equals hate.
178
00:08:43,825 --> 00:08:46,125
Okay, this is bad.
179
00:08:46,127 --> 00:08:47,894
I haven't seen this
many angry gay people
180
00:08:47,896 --> 00:08:51,597
since that NBC "Peter Pan."
181
00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:53,232
There they are.
182
00:08:53,234 --> 00:08:55,835
That's the one that refused
to sell me cupcakes.
183
00:08:55,837 --> 00:08:56,802
Oh!
184
00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:58,738
Hey, all right, come on now.
185
00:08:58,740 --> 00:09:00,406
The one with the bee-stung lips,
186
00:09:00,408 --> 00:09:03,943
or the one with the
unfortunate side bang?
187
00:09:03,945 --> 00:09:05,778
This is just a misunderstanding.
188
00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:07,913
Max's Homemade Cupcakes is pro-gay.
189
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,616
- I love gay people.
- She does.
190
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:14,787
She's pretty much
dated them exclusively.
191
00:09:14,789 --> 00:09:18,924
This little business is our dream.
192
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:23,162
♪ I dreamed a dream ♪
193
00:09:23,164 --> 00:09:26,799
♪ In time gone by ♪
194
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:32,104
♪ When hope was high
and life worth living ♪
195
00:09:32,106 --> 00:09:37,176
♪ I dreamed that love would never die ♪
196
00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:40,746
Wrong dream, Blondie.
197
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,781
No cake equals hate.
198
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,550
No cake equals hate.
199
00:09:50,042 --> 00:09:51,341
No cake equals hate.
200
00:09:51,343 --> 00:09:52,943
No cake equals hate.
201
00:09:52,945 --> 00:09:54,778
No cake equals hate.
202
00:09:54,780 --> 00:09:57,478
- No cake equals hate.
- I've called every one
203
00:09:57,479 --> 00:09:59,657
of my exes to come
down and vouch for me,
204
00:09:59,658 --> 00:10:00,776
and they're freezing me out.
205
00:10:00,777 --> 00:10:02,943
It's like I'm asking them
for sex again or something.
206
00:10:02,945 --> 00:10:05,475
I was sure this would
clear up on its own,
207
00:10:05,476 --> 00:10:07,268
but I always think that
208
00:10:07,269 --> 00:10:09,870
because I can't afford penicillin.
209
00:10:11,139 --> 00:10:13,006
The diner's still empty.
210
00:10:13,008 --> 00:10:14,942
Did you two get bored
killing your own business
211
00:10:14,944 --> 00:10:17,711
and decide to go after mine?
212
00:10:17,713 --> 00:10:19,880
I can say, on behalf of all women,
213
00:10:19,882 --> 00:10:23,784
none of us are ever going
after your business.
214
00:10:23,786 --> 00:10:25,752
Apparently you've never met Martha,
215
00:10:25,754 --> 00:10:28,955
the portly cashier at my
neighborhood Rite Aid.
216
00:10:28,957 --> 00:10:31,591
I'm gonna go talk to
them, set them straight.
217
00:10:31,593 --> 00:10:34,728
Well, as much as I can,
given the circumstances.
218
00:10:39,301 --> 00:10:41,801
We have been trapped
in here for two days.
219
00:10:41,803 --> 00:10:44,471
It's like we're in Gaytanamo Bay.
220
00:10:46,274 --> 00:10:49,075
I'm gonna open this window
and tell them to screw off.
221
00:10:49,077 --> 00:10:50,277
Free speech.
222
00:10:50,279 --> 00:10:53,546
Your feelings got hurt. Too bad, so sad.
223
00:10:55,250 --> 00:10:58,385
Oh... my God.
224
00:10:58,387 --> 00:11:00,653
You should have sold
him the damn cupcakes.
225
00:11:00,655 --> 00:11:03,189
I'm Cher, bitch.
226
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,094
What happened?
227
00:11:08,096 --> 00:11:11,965
Cher hates us too.
228
00:11:11,967 --> 00:11:13,566
We must be wrong.
229
00:11:13,568 --> 00:11:14,968
That's not the Cher, Max.
230
00:11:14,970 --> 00:11:17,070
It's a Cher impersonator.
231
00:11:17,072 --> 00:11:21,574
Then why do I have chills?
232
00:11:21,576 --> 00:11:22,909
I love Cher.
233
00:11:22,911 --> 00:11:25,178
I used to imagine she was my real mom
234
00:11:25,180 --> 00:11:26,446
and that one day she'd pick me up
235
00:11:26,448 --> 00:11:28,114
and take me away with her,
236
00:11:28,116 --> 00:11:30,717
and then we'd get matching
see-through body stockings
237
00:11:30,719 --> 00:11:33,953
like normal mothers and daughters.
238
00:11:33,955 --> 00:11:36,956
Aw, that's so disturbing.
239
00:11:36,958 --> 00:11:38,691
Max, we did nothing wrong.
240
00:11:38,693 --> 00:11:39,959
You can't just back down
241
00:11:39,961 --> 00:11:42,862
because of some female impersonator.
242
00:11:44,631 --> 00:11:47,400
Now you're blonde.
243
00:11:49,536 --> 00:11:52,872
Look, Cher, we did nothing wrong.
244
00:11:52,874 --> 00:11:54,707
Hey, look. I want a cupcake,
245
00:11:54,709 --> 00:11:56,342
and nobody... and I mean nobody...
246
00:11:56,344 --> 00:11:58,778
is gonna rain on my parade.
247
00:11:58,780 --> 00:12:00,112
Attention, everyone.
248
00:12:00,114 --> 00:12:03,048
Attention, everyone.
249
00:12:03,050 --> 00:12:06,252
This is the owner of the diner next door,
250
00:12:06,254 --> 00:12:07,820
and he has something to say,
251
00:12:07,822 --> 00:12:11,757
so let's listen to our gay comrade.
252
00:12:11,759 --> 00:12:14,059
Oh, I'm not gay.
253
00:12:14,061 --> 00:12:17,696
Well, that explains the sweater vest.
254
00:12:17,698 --> 00:12:20,332
Yep, I'm straight. Love the ladies.
255
00:12:20,334 --> 00:12:23,302
I'm a bit of a chick magnet.
256
00:12:23,304 --> 00:12:26,939
You're barely the size
of a refrigerator magnet.
257
00:12:27,774 --> 00:12:29,008
There.
258
00:12:29,010 --> 00:12:31,076
Another insensitive remark,
259
00:12:31,078 --> 00:12:35,013
this time about the
little people community,
260
00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:38,050
just like my friend here.
261
00:12:38,052 --> 00:12:41,053
Oh, I'm not a little person.
262
00:12:41,055 --> 00:12:42,387
Max, do not say anything.
263
00:12:42,389 --> 00:12:43,455
Fine.
264
00:12:43,457 --> 00:12:45,224
But this used to be America,
265
00:12:45,226 --> 00:12:48,660
home of the free and land of the insult.
266
00:12:48,662 --> 00:12:50,896
Everyone, maybe I can clear this up.
267
00:12:50,898 --> 00:12:55,067
That woman over there
doesn't hate gay people.
268
00:12:55,069 --> 00:12:56,835
- She hates all people.
- Yeah.
269
00:12:58,772 --> 00:13:01,440
No cake equals hate.
270
00:13:01,442 --> 00:13:04,576
Sophie, what are you doing?
271
00:13:04,578 --> 00:13:06,945
Oh, hi. Sorry, girls.
272
00:13:07,947 --> 00:13:09,781
No cake equals hate.
273
00:13:09,783 --> 00:13:12,617
Hey, be fair and fix my hair.
274
00:13:15,188 --> 00:13:16,655
Hi. Excuse me.
275
00:13:16,657 --> 00:13:18,056
Oh, no, did we also say something
276
00:13:18,058 --> 00:13:20,926
to offend the L.L.Bean community?
277
00:13:20,928 --> 00:13:23,929
Max, now straight people
are mad at us too.
278
00:13:23,931 --> 00:13:25,931
The cashier in the diner
said this was the best way
279
00:13:25,932 --> 00:13:27,365
to get to you.
280
00:13:27,367 --> 00:13:31,036
He also told me his CD
was a bargain at $5.99.
281
00:13:31,038 --> 00:13:32,871
I can't believe you got
past the protestors.
282
00:13:32,873 --> 00:13:34,172
I would have thought those boys
283
00:13:34,174 --> 00:13:37,208
would have the back door covered.
284
00:13:37,210 --> 00:13:38,576
Man, it's crazy out there, right?
285
00:13:38,578 --> 00:13:39,944
I mean, however people
run their business
286
00:13:39,946 --> 00:13:41,646
should be their own business.
287
00:13:41,648 --> 00:13:46,050
That was always the company line
when I worked for that cartel.
288
00:13:46,052 --> 00:13:48,219
I read about your situation
on the internet,
289
00:13:48,221 --> 00:13:50,922
and I want to order 500 cupcakes.
290
00:13:50,924 --> 00:13:53,691
Is there a Mrs. L.L.Bean?
291
00:13:53,693 --> 00:13:56,794
There is. Happily married 15 years.
292
00:13:56,796 --> 00:13:58,062
Terry Williams.
293
00:13:58,064 --> 00:13:59,931
"Family Foremost Foundation"?
294
00:13:59,933 --> 00:14:02,633
Yep, the FFF.
295
00:14:02,635 --> 00:14:04,469
Wow, three of them.
296
00:14:04,471 --> 00:14:07,805
You people really like a good F.
297
00:14:07,807 --> 00:14:09,173
Well, we're a group
298
00:14:09,175 --> 00:14:11,042
of independent business owners like you.
299
00:14:11,044 --> 00:14:12,910
We're in town for a
convention on Sunday.
300
00:14:12,912 --> 00:14:14,378
Information is on the card.
301
00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:16,747
We'll bet there with 500 cupcakes.
302
00:14:16,749 --> 00:14:19,217
Oh, Terry, what kind of cupcakes?
303
00:14:19,219 --> 00:14:22,119
It's your business. You decide.
304
00:14:23,689 --> 00:14:26,957
- Max, how about that?
- I know.
305
00:14:26,959 --> 00:14:30,561
The Brawny paper towel guy
just saved our asses.
306
00:14:37,323 --> 00:14:38,923
Good afternoon, family.
307
00:14:38,925 --> 00:14:40,858
Good afternoon, Terry.
308
00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:42,994
It's so weird for me to
hear the word "family"
309
00:14:42,996 --> 00:14:45,797
not followed by the word "court"
310
00:14:45,799 --> 00:14:47,131
I hope you have some energy left
311
00:14:47,133 --> 00:14:49,167
for the leader of our family,
312
00:14:49,169 --> 00:14:52,804
the man who always puts family foremost,
313
00:14:52,806 --> 00:14:54,172
Brother Dan.
314
00:15:06,486 --> 00:15:08,352
Good afternoon, family.
315
00:15:08,354 --> 00:15:10,922
Good afternoon, Brother Dan.
316
00:15:10,924 --> 00:15:15,026
And thank you, Brother Terry,
for that warm introduction.
317
00:15:22,034 --> 00:15:24,068
Are they stuck?
318
00:15:24,070 --> 00:15:26,504
Um, I think there might be one more F
319
00:15:26,506 --> 00:15:30,007
in Brother Dan's plan.
320
00:15:30,009 --> 00:15:34,712
Today, we are here to celebrate
that most perfect union:
321
00:15:34,714 --> 00:15:36,347
the family.
322
00:15:36,349 --> 00:15:38,983
We rejoice in the family.
323
00:15:38,985 --> 00:15:42,152
We live, we love, we lust...
324
00:15:42,154 --> 00:15:45,089
wholesomely, of course, for the family.
325
00:15:45,091 --> 00:15:50,027
And today, our family has
found two new daughters.
326
00:15:52,231 --> 00:15:54,932
Girls, why don't you come up on stage?
327
00:15:54,934 --> 00:15:58,135
Oh, you don't want her to get on stage.
328
00:15:58,137 --> 00:16:00,270
In fact, why don't you
get that spotlight off us
329
00:16:00,272 --> 00:16:02,773
before she starts to sing again?
330
00:16:02,775 --> 00:16:05,375
Don't be shy. You two girls went up
331
00:16:05,377 --> 00:16:07,778
against today's politically correct mafia.
332
00:16:07,780 --> 00:16:11,481
You stood up to the family destroyers,
333
00:16:11,483 --> 00:16:14,518
with their tan, shirtless torsos
334
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:18,188
and their free online pornography.
335
00:16:18,190 --> 00:16:21,224
Come on up for a hug.
336
00:16:21,226 --> 00:16:22,959
Come on.
337
00:16:25,830 --> 00:16:27,497
Just walk past the stairs and keep going.
338
00:16:27,499 --> 00:16:29,433
No money is worth being
part of whatever this is.
339
00:16:29,435 --> 00:16:30,834
Let's make a break for it.
340
00:16:30,836 --> 00:16:32,702
And we have a big surprise.
341
00:16:32,704 --> 00:16:36,606
Here's a check made out to
Max's Homemade Cupcakes
342
00:16:36,608 --> 00:16:40,043
for $10,000!
343
00:16:42,147 --> 00:16:44,707
Let's make a break for it
after we get the check.
344
00:16:56,160 --> 00:17:01,030
Every night this week,
I have wept in the arms
345
00:17:01,032 --> 00:17:05,502
of my loving wife, Peggy.
346
00:17:05,504 --> 00:17:08,705
I have wept about the
plight of these two girls,
347
00:17:08,707 --> 00:17:12,475
and I am very thankful that
we could all pull together
348
00:17:12,477 --> 00:17:15,445
to ease their pain.
349
00:17:16,481 --> 00:17:17,747
Thank you.
350
00:17:23,587 --> 00:17:26,789
Max, Caroline,
351
00:17:26,791 --> 00:17:29,092
come closer to me.
352
00:17:29,094 --> 00:17:30,426
Closer?
353
00:17:30,428 --> 00:17:32,562
Does he know we don't have penises?
354
00:17:32,564 --> 00:17:35,932
Come close so I can present you
355
00:17:35,934 --> 00:17:38,301
your giant check.
356
00:17:38,303 --> 00:17:40,436
I just wish I'd brought my giant wallet.
357
00:17:40,438 --> 00:17:42,838
No one has to know we're
getting money from them.
358
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,242
Right now, millions of
people are watching
359
00:17:46,244 --> 00:17:49,378
as we stream live around the world.
360
00:17:49,380 --> 00:17:51,881
Oh, this is streaming right now?
361
00:17:51,883 --> 00:17:53,416
Max, this is streaming.
362
00:17:53,418 --> 00:17:54,984
I'm streaming a little in my pants
363
00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:56,819
about this check.
364
00:17:56,821 --> 00:17:59,755
Right now, all around the world,
365
00:17:59,757 --> 00:18:02,424
people are seeing what morals look like.
366
00:18:05,196 --> 00:18:07,496
These are the girls who are standing up
367
00:18:07,498 --> 00:18:10,299
against the deviants, the divorces,
368
00:18:10,301 --> 00:18:14,103
the scientists, the hop-hop lovers,
369
00:18:14,105 --> 00:18:16,472
and...
370
00:18:16,474 --> 00:18:18,040
the doobie smokers.
371
00:18:18,042 --> 00:18:19,742
Whoa.
372
00:18:19,744 --> 00:18:21,410
I don't like people or science, either,
373
00:18:21,412 --> 00:18:24,813
but ain't nothing wrong
with a righteous doob.
374
00:18:24,815 --> 00:18:28,817
We need to show the world
that we will not tolerate
375
00:18:28,819 --> 00:18:33,856
these deviants and these
degenerates any longer!
376
00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:37,192
I don't want to be
associated with these people.
377
00:18:37,194 --> 00:18:40,362
The gays will hate us forever,
and when I get an interior,
378
00:18:40,364 --> 00:18:42,831
I want it decorated.
379
00:18:42,833 --> 00:18:45,534
People watching everywhere,
380
00:18:45,536 --> 00:18:50,772
meet the two new faces of family.
381
00:18:53,077 --> 00:18:54,309
You know what we have to do, right?
382
00:18:54,311 --> 00:18:55,343
On the count of three.
383
00:18:55,345 --> 00:18:57,746
One, two...
384
00:18:59,783 --> 00:19:01,750
Look away, Peggy!
385
00:19:03,252 --> 00:19:04,619
Hold me, Terry.
386
00:19:07,023 --> 00:19:10,025
I believe this is yours.
387
00:19:17,768 --> 00:19:19,968
I can't keep up with all these drinks.
388
00:19:19,970 --> 00:19:22,671
I'm running out of tiny umbrellas.
389
00:19:22,673 --> 00:19:26,674
How will you get home if it rains?
390
00:19:26,676 --> 00:19:28,843
Yes, it's I.
391
00:19:28,845 --> 00:19:30,345
Saw your kiss on Instagram,
392
00:19:30,347 --> 00:19:32,547
and I wanted to apologize
for the whole mix-up.
393
00:19:32,549 --> 00:19:34,782
I can be a little overly sensitive.
394
00:19:34,784 --> 00:19:37,819
Just ask anyone that works at Lancôme.
395
00:19:37,821 --> 00:19:39,387
Oh, they know me at Lancôme.
396
00:19:39,389 --> 00:19:42,323
They call me No More Free Samples.
397
00:19:42,325 --> 00:19:43,558
Listen, I get it.
398
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,960
Nobody wants to be
reduced to some label.
399
00:19:45,962 --> 00:19:47,629
You should hate people
for other reasons:
400
00:19:47,631 --> 00:19:49,263
because they're gross or mean
401
00:19:49,265 --> 00:19:50,798
or you owe them money.
402
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:51,899
At the end of the day,
403
00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:53,968
we are all just trying to get by.
404
00:19:53,970 --> 00:19:57,171
Bi? Now, those people I don't trust.
405
00:19:58,407 --> 00:20:00,808
Hi, sorry I'm late for the party, girls,
406
00:20:00,810 --> 00:20:03,010
but I was just outside
talking to my new friends,
407
00:20:03,012 --> 00:20:06,347
Lisa Newcar and Ginger Vitis.
408
00:20:06,349 --> 00:20:09,183
We all wear the same shoe size!
409
00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:12,453
Ah, ladies, ladies.
410
00:20:12,455 --> 00:20:15,356
I would love to stay and celebrate,
411
00:20:15,358 --> 00:20:18,259
but I've got a hot date
with that fine young thing
412
00:20:18,261 --> 00:20:20,628
at table four.
413
00:20:20,630 --> 00:20:22,263
Good for you, Earl.
414
00:20:22,265 --> 00:20:26,233
But I don't know if
that's exactly a woman.
415
00:20:26,235 --> 00:20:28,269
Ladies, I'm almost 80.
416
00:20:28,271 --> 00:20:31,505
I don't know that that's
exactly a problem.
417
00:20:33,475 --> 00:20:35,242
A few of the girls and I
took up a collection
418
00:20:35,244 --> 00:20:37,645
for shutting your business
down the last couple days,
419
00:20:37,647 --> 00:20:39,313
so here.
420
00:20:41,483 --> 00:20:44,752
Cher, you got me a present?
421
00:20:44,754 --> 00:20:48,188
I've waited for this my whole life.
422
00:20:48,190 --> 00:20:51,959
You know my name is Chad, right?
423
00:20:51,961 --> 00:20:54,695
So snap out of it!
424
00:20:59,570 --> 00:21:07,046
Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.