1 00:00:02,669 --> 00:00:03,658 (GASPS) 2 00:00:03,870 --> 00:00:07,306 I just got a $20 tip on a $10 check. 3 00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:09,374 I may be the greatest waitress ever, 4 00:00:09,542 --> 00:00:12,409 and, strangely, that doesn't make me wanna die. 5 00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:16,777 You're finally getting the hang of a job you've had for years. 6 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:18,611 Is your last name Obama? 7 00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:20,708 (GASPS) 8 00:00:20,987 --> 00:00:22,978 Another big tip! 9 00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:24,783 I think it's my smile. 10 00:00:30,397 --> 00:00:31,830 Well, something's smiling. 11 00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:34,825 - (BELL DINGS) - Pick up, patty melt. 12 00:00:35,735 --> 00:00:37,669 Correction, panty melt. 13 00:00:39,172 --> 00:00:40,639 - Caroline, you have... - What, Max? 14 00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:43,799 Pride in a job well done? Yes, some of us can still feel pride. 15 00:00:45,011 --> 00:00:47,741 Yeah, but only for about another 10 seconds. 16 00:00:49,682 --> 00:00:50,671 Caroline. 17 00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:52,350 Ooh! Oh! 18 00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:54,910 Oh, no. Oh, no. 19 00:00:55,088 --> 00:00:57,784 This reminds me of when I saw my mother's side-boob. 20 00:00:59,192 --> 00:01:01,683 Oh, uh, Max, you have to say something. 21 00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:03,957 - Um, Caroline... - Hey, look. 22 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:07,657 I just got a $10 tip from this guy, and I spilled coffee on his face. 23 00:01:09,669 --> 00:01:12,137 Screw it. I'm taking the ass train to money town. 24 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,304 Oh, no. Not wearing underwear. 25 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,000 Ripped & Corrected By mstoll 26 00:01:32,792 --> 00:01:34,623 I know it's technically good to have a big order, 27 00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:38,059 but I am five cupcakes away from what professional doctors call, 28 00:01:38,231 --> 00:01:39,391 "T-rex arm." 29 00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:41,960 Like you always tell me, 30 00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:44,535 "Use your other hand, it'll feel like a stranger." 31 00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:48,634 And how about our new business labels? 32 00:01:48,808 --> 00:01:52,039 And my ability to be excited about literally anything? 33 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,740 I got them with the money you were saving for that Porky Pig bong. 34 00:01:58,551 --> 00:02:01,384 But when it's down to just resin, it says, "That's all folks." 35 00:02:03,089 --> 00:02:06,855 I'll pay you back as soon as we get the money for this big order for... 36 00:02:07,026 --> 00:02:10,393 "L"? Max, someone named L ordered these cupcakes? 37 00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:12,394 Oh, that's not an L, that's an I. 38 00:02:12,565 --> 00:02:15,056 Sorry, I learned printing mostly from ransom notes. 39 00:02:16,536 --> 00:02:20,438 "L"? I mean, what kind of person would just be named "L"? 40 00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:22,567 This kind. 41 00:02:23,243 --> 00:02:25,438 Hello. That's my order. 42 00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:30,114 Yes. They're just about ready, Miss-ter. 43 00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:33,514 I'll spare you the stress and confusion, dear, 44 00:02:33,686 --> 00:02:36,450 because I can tell by the size of your pores, you're a sweater. 45 00:02:39,592 --> 00:02:40,957 She is. 46 00:02:41,761 --> 00:02:44,525 Sometimes she gets so nervous watching America's Next Top Model, 47 00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:46,722 our couch is slick for days. 48 00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:50,870 Spoiler alert. None of them are America's next top model. 49 00:02:52,372 --> 00:02:58,106 To be clear, I am neither he nor she, mister nor missus, male nor female. 50 00:02:58,278 --> 00:03:00,143 And the only part of me that's transitioning 51 00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:02,213 are my heels from day to evening. 52 00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:07,351 I am simply "I," and I cannot be labeled. 53 00:03:07,987 --> 00:03:09,477 I am gender fluid. 54 00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:12,149 That's cool. 55 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:15,055 - As long as none of it gets on us. - (SIGHS) 56 00:03:16,095 --> 00:03:17,153 Is my order ready, 57 00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:21,096 or do I have to wade through more of this poor man's Amy and Tina? 58 00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,835 I like to think of us more as an Ike and Tina. 59 00:03:25,004 --> 00:03:26,767 I'm just finishing boxing them up for you. 60 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,999 It's okay for cupcakes to still be put in the box, right? 61 00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:30,608 Just not people. 62 00:03:32,078 --> 00:03:34,672 I'm using your cupcakes in some performance art. 63 00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:37,179 See, "L" is a performance artist this month. 64 00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:40,945 Last month, "L" was working at the Cold Stone Creamery on Eighth Street. 65 00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:44,713 Well, "I've" had sex there. 66 00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:47,390 Yes, well, who hasn't? 67 00:03:48,628 --> 00:03:52,962 The audience will bite into one of your pretty pink fem-looking cupcakes, 68 00:03:53,132 --> 00:03:57,068 only to discover that I have inserted a cocktail weenie inside. 69 00:03:58,605 --> 00:04:01,369 But, who wants to be surprised by a little weenie? 70 00:04:06,112 --> 00:04:07,306 I don't mind it. 71 00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:10,705 It's an interactive experiment 72 00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:13,443 that challenges how we instinctively label one another. 73 00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:16,214 But I don't have to explain my performance piece to you. 74 00:04:16,389 --> 00:04:18,084 You're not my advisor at the New School. 75 00:04:19,792 --> 00:04:22,283 Forgive me, I wasn't criticizing your piece. 76 00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:25,488 Yeah, we're still not even sure if you have one. 77 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,291 Can you excuse us for a minute? 78 00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:30,800 And, by the way, the fuchsia in your blouse 79 00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:32,835 really brings out the red in your beard. 80 00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:37,235 People are gonna see our adorable labels 81 00:04:37,410 --> 00:04:39,605 and think all our cupcakes are stuffed with wieners. 82 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,749 Would it kill you to have a wiener stuffed in your cupcake? 83 00:04:46,185 --> 00:04:48,619 Look. Someone is paying for them, 84 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:51,416 and that someone can do whatever the hell they want with them. 85 00:04:51,591 --> 00:04:53,582 I said the same thing to the people who bought my kids. 86 00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:57,452 We don't want someone to deface our cupcakes. 87 00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:59,097 They're meant to be enjoyed by children 88 00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:01,995 or single women when a romantic comedy hits too close to home. 89 00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:06,438 Money's money. It doesn't matter. Just put the cupcakes in the bag. 90 00:05:06,606 --> 00:05:07,971 I don't feel good about this. 91 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:11,304 Sorry, but we're just not comfortable selling you our cupcakes. 92 00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:13,672 He is right here. Bag it. 93 00:05:14,714 --> 00:05:16,045 What did you just call me? 94 00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:19,312 - Oh, no. - Oh, no. 95 00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:22,283 No, no, no. I did not say the thing you thought I said. 96 00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:23,615 I didn't even think it. 97 00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:26,452 In fact, I wasn't listening to half that crap you said. 98 00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:30,790 Uh, she said, "Bag it," with a "B" as in "boy." Or not a boy. 99 00:05:31,731 --> 00:05:33,858 Oh! I see what this is. 100 00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:38,732 This is just another homophobic bakery trying to deny service to people like me. 101 00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:42,737 Well, I don't have to stand here to tell you how upset I am. 102 00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:44,399 That's what Yelp is for. 103 00:05:48,981 --> 00:05:51,745 Oh, no. I think Kathy Bates is really mad at us. 104 00:05:53,986 --> 00:05:56,978 Well, that sucks. Now I want a hot dog. 105 00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:07,497 Where are all the customers? I haven't seen this few people since... 106 00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:08,725 You went on Tinder? 107 00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:11,760 Your sweet-16 party? 108 00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:15,003 - Caroline, throw one in there. - Your season of The Bachelor. 109 00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:21,173 I was going to say, "So few people since the sale at your cupcake window." 110 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:23,682 Boom! I just schooled you. 111 00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:27,180 - Well, pre-schooled us. - (CHUCKLES) 112 00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,951 Hey, everybody. Oh... (PANTING) 113 00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:34,582 Oh... 114 00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:37,728 My God. You girls, I raced over here so fast, 115 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:40,593 I left half my hair in midtown. 116 00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:45,862 Love the babushka, baby. Reminds me of my Aunt Shmirna. 117 00:06:46,372 --> 00:06:50,103 Great boobs. One big, one small, something for everyone. 118 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,373 Yeah, the gays, they're real mad at you. 119 00:06:56,382 --> 00:07:01,547 Yeah, my stylist Karl, told me about two girls with a cupcake shop in Brooklyn 120 00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:06,055 who didn't wanna serve a member of the LGBTQ community. 121 00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:10,487 LGBTQ? Those are the trains I take to get here. 122 00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,832 - Oh, my God. Max, this is terrible. - I know. 123 00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:18,061 Earl only lives a block away. 124 00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:21,233 Why is he taking five trains? 125 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,633 Yeah, the gays are steaming mad. 126 00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:29,610 You know, if I were you girls, I would stay away from the Village, 127 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:34,151 the East River, the Hudson River, Melissa Rivers, 128 00:07:34,987 --> 00:07:38,582 Pinkberry, Broadway... 129 00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:41,420 Yeah, and good luck shopping for dog clothes. 130 00:07:42,995 --> 00:07:45,156 Come on, Sophie, it's not that bad. 131 00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:47,799 "Not that bad"? If it wasn't that bad, 132 00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:50,834 would I have left the salon looking like this? 133 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,263 (BOTH GASP) 134 00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:57,540 Oh, my God. They sent you out like that? They do hate us. 135 00:07:57,710 --> 00:07:59,200 I know. Tell me about it. 136 00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:03,542 I look like Donald Trump before they velcroed that dead cat to his head. 137 00:08:11,123 --> 00:08:13,887 A classic "good news, bad news" situation. 138 00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,551 Good news, I figured out where all the customers are. 139 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:20,564 Bad news, they're aggressively protesting your cupcake shop. 140 00:08:20,933 --> 00:08:22,264 (SCREAMS) 141 00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:26,029 You went to Supercuts, didn't you? 142 00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:29,901 I hope you're happy, girls. 143 00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:32,909 Now, even Han thinks he's better than me. 144 00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:38,642 ALL: (CHANTING) No cake equals hate! No cake equals hate! 145 00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:42,185 No cake equals hate! No cake equals hate! 146 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,879 Okay, this is bad. 147 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:48,418 I haven't seen this many angry gay people since that NBC Peter Pan. 148 00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:53,930 There they are. That's the one that refused to sell me cupcakes. 149 00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:56,998 Oh! Hey, all right. Come on now. 150 00:08:57,503 --> 00:09:01,098 The one with the bee-stung lips or the one with the unfortunate side-bang? 151 00:09:02,508 --> 00:09:04,271 This is just a misunderstanding. 152 00:09:04,443 --> 00:09:08,277 Max's Homemade Cupcakes is pro-gay. I love gay people. 153 00:09:08,447 --> 00:09:11,109 She does. She's pretty much dated them exclusively. 154 00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:15,686 This little business is our dream. 155 00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:20,457 (SINGING) I dreamed a dream 156 00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:24,930 In time gone by 157 00:09:25,097 --> 00:09:29,466 When hope was high and life worth living 158 00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:34,637 I dreamed that love would never die 159 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,707 Wrong dream, blondie. 160 00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:42,736 ALL: (CHANTING) No cake equals hate! No cake equals hate! 161 00:09:45,484 --> 00:09:48,817 No cake equals hate! No cake equals hate! 162 00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:51,479 No cake equals hate! No cake... 163 00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:54,785 I've called every one of my exes to come down and vouch for me 164 00:09:54,961 --> 00:09:56,121 and they're freezing me out. 165 00:09:56,295 --> 00:09:58,490 It's like I'm asking them for sex again or something. 166 00:09:59,131 --> 00:10:01,326 I was sure this would clear up on its own. 167 00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:04,560 But I always think that. Because I can't afford penicillin. 168 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,073 The diner's still empty. 169 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,333 Did you two get bored killing your own business 170 00:10:10,509 --> 00:10:11,999 and decide to go after mine? 171 00:10:13,312 --> 00:10:15,337 I can say, on behalf of all women, 172 00:10:15,514 --> 00:10:17,573 none of us are ever going after your business. 173 00:10:19,318 --> 00:10:21,309 Apparently, you've never met Martha, 174 00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:23,978 the portly cashier at my neighborhood Rite Aid. 175 00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:26,989 I'm gonna go talk to them. Set them straight. 176 00:10:27,159 --> 00:10:29,525 Well, as much as I can, given the circumstances. 177 00:10:33,265 --> 00:10:34,254 (GROANS) 178 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,163 We have been trapped in here for two days. 179 00:10:37,336 --> 00:10:39,361 It's like we're in Gay-tanamo Bay. 180 00:10:41,874 --> 00:10:44,434 I'm gonna open this window and tell them to screw off. 181 00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:45,872 Free speech. 182 00:10:46,045 --> 00:10:48,536 Your feelings got hurt, too bad, so sad. 183 00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:50,606 (MAX GASPS) 184 00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:53,374 Oh, my God! 185 00:10:53,552 --> 00:10:56,020 You should have sold 'em the damn cupcakes! 186 00:10:56,188 --> 00:10:57,985 I'm Cher, bitch. 187 00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:00,848 (SHRIEKS) 188 00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:03,158 What happened? 189 00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:05,724 Cher hates us, too. 190 00:11:07,466 --> 00:11:08,626 We must be wrong. 191 00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:12,066 That's not the Cher, Max. It's a Cher impersonator. 192 00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:14,902 Then why do I have chills? 193 00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:18,467 I love Cher. 194 00:11:18,644 --> 00:11:20,578 I used to imagine she was my real mom, 195 00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:23,306 and that one day she'd pick me up and take me away with her, 196 00:11:23,482 --> 00:11:26,042 and then we'd get matching see-through body stockings 197 00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:28,186 like normal mothers and daughters. 198 00:11:29,488 --> 00:11:31,683 Aw, that's so disturbing. 199 00:11:32,291 --> 00:11:34,088 Max, we did nothing wrong. 200 00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:37,855 You can't just back down because of some female impersonator. 201 00:11:40,399 --> 00:11:42,060 Now you're blonde. 202 00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:48,035 Look, Cher, we did nothing wrong. 203 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,731 Hey, look. I want a cupcake, 204 00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:52,901 and, uh, nobody, and, I mean, nobody's gonna rain on my parade. 205 00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:57,914 L: Attention, everyone. Attention, everyone. 206 00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:02,914 This is the owner of the diner next door and he has something to say. 207 00:12:03,589 --> 00:12:06,080 So let's listen to our gay comrade. 208 00:12:07,426 --> 00:12:08,950 Oh, I'm not gay. 209 00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:11,820 Well, that explains the sweater vest. 210 00:12:13,332 --> 00:12:15,892 Yep. I'm straight. Love the ladies. 211 00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,831 Uh, I'm a bit of chick magnet. 212 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,935 You're barely the size of a refrigerator magnet. 213 00:12:23,642 --> 00:12:26,509 There, another insensitive remark. 214 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,113 This time about the little people community. 215 00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:32,674 Just like my friend here. 216 00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:35,946 Oh, I'm not a little person. 217 00:12:36,122 --> 00:12:38,022 Max, do not say anything. 218 00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:43,025 Fine, but this used to be America. Home of the free and land of the insult. 219 00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:46,193 Everyone, maybe I can clear this up. 220 00:12:46,365 --> 00:12:49,198 That woman over there doesn't hate gay people, 221 00:12:50,202 --> 00:12:51,931 - she hates all people. - Yeah. 222 00:12:52,138 --> 00:12:54,538 (CROWD BOOING) 223 00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:56,607 ALL: (CHANTING) No cake equals hate! No cake... 224 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,609 Sophie. What are you doing? 225 00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:01,874 Oh, hi. Sorry, girls. 226 00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:07,848 No cake equals hate! Hey, be fair and fix my hair! 227 00:13:11,056 --> 00:13:12,318 Hi, uh, excuse me. 228 00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:15,551 Oh, no. Did we also say something to offend the L.L. Bean community? 229 00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,827 Max, now straight people are mad at us, too. 230 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,365 The cashier in the diner said this was the best way to get to you. 231 00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,901 He also told me his CD was a bargain at $5.99. 232 00:13:26,705 --> 00:13:28,696 I can't believe you got past the protesters. 233 00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:31,138 I would've thought those boys would have the backdoor covered. 234 00:13:32,344 --> 00:13:34,073 Yeah, it's crazy out there, right? 235 00:13:34,246 --> 00:13:36,680 I mean, however people run their business should be their own business. 236 00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:39,977 That was always the company line when I worked for that cartel. 237 00:13:41,921 --> 00:13:43,821 I read about your situation on the Internet 238 00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,923 and I wanna order 500 cupcakes. 239 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,754 - Is there a Mrs. L.L. Bean? - (CHUCKLES) 240 00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:51,590 There is. Happily married, 15 years. 241 00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:53,095 Terry Williams. 242 00:13:53,265 --> 00:13:54,926 "Family Foremost Foundation"? 243 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:56,692 Yep. The FFF. 244 00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:01,571 Wow. Three of them. You people really like a good F. 245 00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:06,441 Well, we're a group of independent business owners, like you. 246 00:14:06,612 --> 00:14:09,547 We're in town for a convention on Sunday. Information's on the card. 247 00:14:09,715 --> 00:14:11,774 We'll be there. With 500 cupcakes. 248 00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:14,348 Oh, Terry, what kind of cupcakes? 249 00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:17,050 It's your business. You decide. 250 00:14:18,290 --> 00:14:19,279 - Hmm. - Hmm. 251 00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:22,018 - Max, how about that? - I know. 252 00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:24,788 The brawny paper-towel guy just saved our asses. 253 00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:32,632 - Good afternoon, Family. - ALL: Good afternoon, Terry! 254 00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:37,100 So weird for me to hear the word "family" not followed by the word "court." 255 00:14:37,977 --> 00:14:41,708 I hope you have some energy left for the leader of our Family, 256 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,816 the man who always puts Family foremost, 257 00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:49,011 - Brother Dan. - (CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING) 258 00:14:59,131 --> 00:15:00,496 Good afternoon, Family. 259 00:15:00,666 --> 00:15:03,100 ALL: Good afternoon, Brother Dan. 260 00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:07,330 And thank you, Brother Terry, for that warm introduction. 261 00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:09,097 (CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING) 262 00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:15,671 Are they stuck? 263 00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:17,404 Um... 264 00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,881 I think there might be one more F in Brother Dan's plan. 265 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:26,523 Today, we are here to celebrate that most perfect union, 266 00:15:27,226 --> 00:15:28,818 the family. 267 00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:31,053 We rejoice in the Family. 268 00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:34,427 We live, we love, we lust! (CHUCKLES) 269 00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:37,529 Wholesomely, of course, for the Family. 270 00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:42,072 And today our Family has found two new daughters. 271 00:15:44,476 --> 00:15:47,036 Girls, why don't you come up on stage? 272 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,173 - Oh! You don't want her to get on stage. - (BLOWS RASPBERRY) 273 00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:52,877 In fact, why don't you get that spotlight off us 274 00:15:53,052 --> 00:15:54,883 before she starts to sing again? 275 00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:56,419 Don't be shy. 276 00:15:56,588 --> 00:16:00,046 You two girls went up against today's politically correct mafia. 277 00:16:00,225 --> 00:16:03,490 You stood up to the family destroyers. 278 00:16:03,662 --> 00:16:06,096 With their tanned, shirtless torsos... 279 00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:09,190 ...and their free online pornography. 280 00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:12,564 Come on up for a hug. 281 00:16:13,405 --> 00:16:15,805 - Come on. - (CROWD CHEERING) 282 00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:20,038 Just walk past the stairs and keep going. 283 00:16:20,212 --> 00:16:22,043 No money is worth being part whatever this is. 284 00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:23,272 Let's make a break for it. 285 00:16:23,449 --> 00:16:26,350 BROTHER DAN: And we have a big surprise. Here's a check. 286 00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:32,081 Made out to Max's Homemade Cupcakes for $10,000! 287 00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:34,248 - (MUSIC PLAYING) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 288 00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:36,756 Let's make a break for it after we get the check. 289 00:16:39,398 --> 00:16:40,763 (BROTHER DAN GRUNTS) 290 00:16:48,407 --> 00:16:50,102 (SOBS) Every night this week, 291 00:16:51,143 --> 00:16:55,102 I have wept in the arms of my loving wife... 292 00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:56,970 Peggy. 293 00:16:58,150 --> 00:17:00,948 I have wept about the plight of these two girls. 294 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,783 And I am very thankful that we could all pull together 295 00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:07,118 to ease their pain. 296 00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:09,783 Thank you. 297 00:17:16,235 --> 00:17:17,896 Max and Caroline... 298 00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:21,135 ...come closer to me. 299 00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:23,968 Closer? Does he know we don't have penises? 300 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:29,645 Come close so I can present you your giant check. 301 00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,746 I just wish I brought my giant wallet. 302 00:17:32,918 --> 00:17:34,818 No one has to know we're getting money from them. 303 00:17:35,654 --> 00:17:40,853 Right now, millions of people are watching as we stream live around the world. 304 00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:45,921 Oh, this is streaming? Right now? Max, this is streaming. 305 00:17:46,098 --> 00:17:48,828 I'm streaming a little in my pants about this check. 306 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:54,405 Right now, all around the world, people are seeing what morals look like. 307 00:17:57,409 --> 00:18:01,345 These are the girls who were standing up against the deviants. 308 00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:07,008 The divorcers! The scientists! The hip-hop lovers! And... 309 00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:10,051 (INHALING RAPIDLY) The doobie smokers. 310 00:18:10,556 --> 00:18:11,545 Whoa! 311 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:13,687 I don't like people or science either, 312 00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:16,384 but ain't nothing wrong with a righteous doob. 313 00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:19,330 We need to show the world 314 00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:22,490 that we will not tolerate these deviants 315 00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:26,399 and these degenerates any longer! 316 00:18:26,572 --> 00:18:27,561 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 317 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,764 I don't wanna be associated with these people. 318 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,705 The gays will hate us forever. 319 00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:34,437 And when I get an interior, I want it decorated. 320 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,548 People watching everywhere, 321 00:18:38,717 --> 00:18:42,847 meet the two new faces of Family! 322 00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:44,948 (EXHALES) 323 00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:47,589 - You know what we have to do, right? - On the count of three. 324 00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:49,249 One, two... 325 00:18:49,928 --> 00:18:51,691 (ALL GASP) 326 00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:53,762 Look away, Peggy! 327 00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:56,762 Hold me, Terry. 328 00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:01,262 I believe this is yours. 329 00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:07,808 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 330 00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:12,280 I can't keep up with all these drinks. 331 00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:14,612 I'm running out of tiny umbrellas. 332 00:19:14,786 --> 00:19:16,754 How will you get home if it rains? 333 00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:20,791 Yes, it's "I." 334 00:19:20,959 --> 00:19:22,483 Saw your kiss on Instagram 335 00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:25,061 and I wanted to apologize for the whole mix-up. 336 00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:27,323 I can be a little overly sensitive. 337 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,660 Just ask anyone that works at Lancôme. 338 00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:33,800 Oh, they know me at Lancôme. They call me "No more free samples." 339 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:38,565 Listen, I get it. Nobody wants to be reduced to some label. 340 00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:40,177 You should hate people for other reasons 341 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,643 because they're gross, or mean, or you owe them money. 342 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:45,976 At the end of the day, we're all just trying to get by. 343 00:19:46,151 --> 00:19:49,143 "Bi"? Now those people I don't trust. 344 00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:52,980 Hey. Sorry I'm late for the party, girls. 345 00:19:53,158 --> 00:19:55,524 But I was just outside talking to my new friends 346 00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:58,162 Lisa Newcar and Ginger Vitus. 347 00:19:58,330 --> 00:20:00,992 Yeah. We all wear the same shoe size! 348 00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:07,771 Ah! Ladies, ladies, I would love to stay and celebrate, 349 00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:12,673 but I got a hot date with that fine young thing at table four. 350 00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:14,677 Good for you, Earl. 351 00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:18,282 But I don't know if that's exactly a woman. 352 00:20:18,450 --> 00:20:20,680 Ladies, I'm almost 80. 353 00:20:20,852 --> 00:20:23,844 I don't know that that's exactly a problem. 354 00:20:26,124 --> 00:20:27,819 A few of the girls and I took up a collection 355 00:20:27,993 --> 00:20:29,984 for shutting your business down the last couple of days. 356 00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,322 So here. 357 00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,767 Cher, you got me a present? 358 00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:39,927 I've waited for this my whole life. 359 00:20:41,039 --> 00:20:43,007 You know my name is Chad right? 360 00:20:44,109 --> 00:20:45,440 So snap out of it. 361 00:20:46,845 --> 00:20:47,971 (LAUGHING) 362 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:54,000 Ripped & Corrected By mstoll 363 00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:18,865 English - SDH