♪
Morning, thugs.
Morning, gangsta.
Morning, playa.
Aww, I love what we have.
Uh-huh.
Patient.
No, I don't think the only reason your mother had you
was so that she could be a bitch to you.
Ah, the holidays... Stockings full of gifts,
your mom's voice mail full of messages
from sobbing lunatics who can't handle their business.
Christmas or not,
you just have to tell your mother she has to respect you.
Hey. Leggings are not pants.
Mom, you have to respect me.
Don't even.
Look, I know the holidays can be lonely,
but don't lose sight of the fact
that you matter to a lot of people, Jill.
Ellen. I meant Ellen.
She hung up on me.
What a whiner.
I'm so sorry.
I thought you hung up.
Come here.
What can hero husband do to make it better?
Fast-forward me to our trip to Hawaii.
[Gasps] Our couple's massage.
And our couple's bed.
It's just a bed, honey.
It's a bed with a partially obstructed view
of the hotel Parking lot because that's how daddy rolls.
[Chuckles]
Mom, I'm gonna need a new bathing suit for Hawaii.
Stuff got real this year.
I need one, too.
I've been tightening up the front porch.
Hold up, are you guys under the impression
that you're coming to Hawaii with us?
Yeah. I mean, aren't we?
You said you were gonna tell them.
No! Remember?
You said you didn't want me to tell them
because you thought I'd enjoy it too much.
No. I said, "tell them.
Just don't sound like you're enjoying it too much."
[Laughing] Okay, I'm not that good an actor.
Wait. What's happening here?
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry, you guys,
but your dad and I really need a vacation alone together.
Yeah. We haven't had time away, just the two of us,
since your mother had her emergency appendectomy.
[Chuckles] God, that was a great few days.
It was.
Okay, so, you would literally rather have surgery
than vacation with your own children?
Did she stutter?
All right, all right, all right.
It was a hard decision, honey,
and we're really gonna miss you guys.
This is so not fair!
I want to learn how to surf!
And I want to see how resentful the locals are.
I hear it's breathtaking!
Look, I'm sorry, guys.
You know, I'm really torn up about this.
[Laughs]
Ken!
See? I told you I'm not that good an actor.
Really?
Gangsta gonna play me like that?
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Hey, Clark, my Jewish friend.
I am neither of those things, and don't touch me.
Hey, where would a man of my ilk get one of those beanie things?
They're called yarmulkes, and why do you need one?
Oh, well, Christmas Eve,
I'm going to this big singles party... the Matzo Ball.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
Hoping to put my noodle in some kugel
[chuckling] If you know what I mean.
[Chuckles]
Yeah, I'm... I'm talking about hosin' one of the chosen.
[Laughs]
[Laughing] Get it?
Oh, come on.
Your people are famous for your sense of humor.
The gay, Lutheran vegans?
[Laughing] Yeah, that's the stuff!
- Um, pat. - Huh?
I need to talk to you.
I have to request a day off.
Oh, sorry.
That's not my jurisdiction, but would you like a raise?
Sure.
No. [Chuckles]
See? I'm happy to help you with that.
[Chuckles]
Listen, don't worry about it.
Just talk to Damona.
Damona decides who gets vacation days?
Nah. It's this hard-ass Phil Stockton.
He's the master scheduler.
He manages the schedules for the entire medical staff.
Then maybe I'll just talk to him.
Doesn't work that way.
Yeah. Nobody in our department talks to him except for Damona.
She is our liaison.
Well, that seems inefficient...
And unnecessarily French.
You haven't met Phil.
You know Dr. Ken's temper?
Picture that on a man.
That is scary.
One time, Dr. Miller broke protocol
and asked Phil for the day off for his kid's birthday.
Not only did he not get the day,
but he ended up having to work on Thanksgiving.
Then, two weeks later, his car blew up.
Fuel-line issue, unrelated, but still!
All right. I won't talk to him.
Damona, would you please ask Phil
if I could have Valentine's day off?
I thought you and Topher broke up.
Oh, no, we did.
But I figure I'll either be back together with him
or eating myself to death in his shrubs.
Regardless, I'm gonna need the day.
I'll talk to Phil.
It shouldn't be a problem since you got it in early.
Yeah, got to keep it timely, people.
That's why I asked for my days off months ago.
Wait. Which days?
You know, for my new year's trip to "ha-vai-ee."
Where?
Oh, sweet, contiguous, landlocked Julie.
[Chuckles]
That's the native pronunciation of "Hawaii,"
the island paradise where my wife and I
will be enjoying our most relaxed time
since her appendectomy.
And hopefully this time,
she won't be stingy with the lovin', you know?
[Mockingly] "Oh, Ken, watch the stitches!
Ehhhh!
There's another patient in the room!"
Hold up.
Dr. Ken, you didn't tell me to ask Phil for new year's off.
[Laughs]
Okay, Damona, let's leave the comedy
to the guy who was awarded the mug
that said "World's Funniest Doctor."
Awarded?
You made that yourself at color me mine.
I'm serious, little man.
You never put in a request.
Yes, I did.
I filled it out, I stuck it in my lab-coat pocket,
and I gave it to you.
You obviously lost it.
If I may?
And not to pile on, but you did not fill that out, either.
Come on. Allison already booked the flights to Hawaii.
I thought it was pronounced "ha-vai-ee."
I think that's just when you're going.
Come on, Damona, please.
I need those days.
Hey, hey, don't put that on me.
It's not my responsibility to check your damn pocket.
It is actually mine.
I am very sorry, sir.
Okay.
Hey. Trouble in not-paradise?
So, what's the return policy on that youth-sized snorkel set
you were sure you'd grow into?
Dave, tighten up those arms.
That is your food. Protect it!
What's going on here?
Oh, just preparing Dave for foster care, you know,
because you and dad are abandoning us.
Okay, now there's a big kid trying to take your corn bread.
Quick fork in the eye!
Stay away, Tracy!
[Growls]
Nice try. You're still not coming.
Fine. I didn't want to resort to this.
Dave, plan "b."
Really?
We're supposed to take you guys to Hawaii
because Dave's making a sad face?
Okay, Dave, cut it out.
Oh, baby, are you okay?
Oh, nope. Nope.
Not falling for it.
We'll get there.
Just keep working that money-maker.
[Snarls]
Not the fork the face.
Hey, bae.
Guess what I just booked for Hawaii!
[Door closes]
A private boat that takes us to swim with the dolphins.
Then it docks on a secluded beach,
where the two of us are served a five-star meal at sunset.
They force you to eat at sunset?
I mean, sounds pretty rigid.
Really? 'Cause, to me, it sounds like the best day of our lives.
The excursion is literally called
"the best day of your life."
Al, Hawaii's great and all, but I was thinking,
maybe we should stay home.
You know, I think we're gonna miss the kids.
You son of a bitch. You didn't get the days off.
No! No! No.
I'm simply opening my heart
about how much I'm gonna miss our children.
I swear to god.
I planned this whole trip, and you had one thing to do!
Which I did!
I mean wow.
[Chuckling] Oh, wow. Okay.
Uh, this hurts, Allison.
This really hurts.
Ken, I really need this trip.
Please tell me you got the days off.
[Sighs]
I got the days off.
Oh, thank god!
[Laughs]
I would've been so mad.
[Laughing] I know!
I mean, I only had one thing to do!
Come on! [Laughs]
Oh, my god, this is gonna be so amazing!
Okay, so, are you in for the dolphin thing?
Oh, I'm in. [Laughs]
I'm in so deep.
Confirm. Confirm.
Non-refundable. Confirm.
Okay, do you want the crème brulée or the cherries jubilee?
Dealer's choice. [Whimpers]
All right. Oh, my god.
Champagne, lobster breakfast.
Should we splurge?
Ooh-hoo! Ah! Yes!
Come on. Come on.
Yolo. Yolo!
[Laughs] [Whimpers]
Ugh!
♪
I'm officially screwed.
At some point during our romantic trip to Hawaii,
Allison's gonna notice I'm not there.
I'm guessing that'll be the highlight of her trip.
[Chuckles]
What is this, casual Friday?
No. It's "the attire of places Ken's not going" Friday.
[Chuckles]
Next week, I'm dressing as heaven.
[Sighs] I talked to Phil.
- What did he say? - It's still a big, fat no.
[Sighs] ‭but but I have an idea.
Here's a list of all the doctors that have new year's off.
Just go and see if any of them are interested in swapping.
Swapping?
Uh, how do I know what their wives look like?
Swapping vacation days, not wives, you dumb bucket.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
You know, Allison's a cool chick and all... and it has come up...
But that was mostly me driving it, you know?
I'm gonna go take care of this.
Ah! Morgan's wife's not bad.
Let me get this straight.
You raised this girl, she's a grown woman,
and she can't even walk down an aisle by herself?
You can go hike a glacier anytime.
Trust me.
They're gonna be around forever.
All I'm saying is, if you schedule it,
you could drop that thing before the new year.
That's a huge tax write-off.
Your mom's being difficult.
[Sighs] Congratulations.
Oh, hey, Allison.
What are you doing here?
I came to surprise Ken with lunch.
I brought Hawaiian barbecue... You know, 'cause of our trip.
So, you're going?
Yeah. Wait, what are you talking about?
Oh. I just thought that since Ken forgot to ask for the...
Stop talking, Julie.
I can't. I'm too nervous.
Well, then change the subject.
Oh, there he is!
[Singsong voice] Guess who's here, Dr. Ken.
Hey, bae. You lied to me.
What?
You never asked for the days off. I knew it.
Wait. Wait. Just let me explain!
Wow, I did not expect you to stop.
I got nothing.
[Singsong voice] But you still have b-b-q.
You know what? I'm not gonna take this.
I'm gonna go dance with the devil.
What does that mean?
Oh, that's just Dr. Ken's dramatic way of saying
he's gonna fix things with Allison.
No. Allison's not the devil.
Phil is. I'm gonna go talk to him.
I did not get that at all.
Just look in the directory and find his office, please.
Uh, he is on the 14th floor,
but I think that this is a terrible idea.
I mean, you're talking about the man who made Dr. O'Brien
work the day after his own funeral.
Okay. That may have been an urban legend, but still.
Look, I refuse to live in fear of this guy.
I'm gonna go demand my days,
and I'm not gonna take "no" for an answer.
I'm not even gonna take "maybe" for an answer.
Other answers I won't accept include "I'll think about it"
or "I'll get back to you."
So, just to recap,
I'm looking for "yes," "sure," or "definitely."
Or, if need be, I'll even take a "10-4, good buddy. Gi-Gi-Gi!"
Good luck, pal.
I will not be rooting for you.
Too much?
Yeah, it's too much.
♪
Hey, anybody seen Dr. Ken?
His 12:00 canceled.
He went upstairs to talk to Phil.
Phil Stockton?
H-he went to talk to Phil Stockton?
I know.
I tried to warn him, but he seemed very determined.
There's like five or six things
that he is not gonna take for an answer.
Oh, god, I knew it!
I knew it!
Oh, god! You knew what?!
You knew what?!
Phil Stockton isn't the master scheduler, okay?
What? Who is?
I am.
Le twist!
But wait.
If you're the master scheduler, then who's Phil Stockton?
I picked him out of the directory.
He's just some random guy from environmental services
who's about to be all kinds of confused.
- Phil Stockton? - Yes?
I'm Dr. Ken Park, and I'm taking the week of new year's off.
Okay.
Really?
You're... You're okay with that?
Sure.
Oh, my god.[Chuckles]
[Sniffles]
I'm gonna...
You have no idea what you've done for me.
Not a clue. [Chuckles]
See, I lied to my wife, but then she found out,
and Damona said you would never... you know what?
I'm gonna do something for you.
Mm-hmm. Here.
This is like a couple hundred bucks.
And this is my saddle burger giddy up card.
Seven barn burgers away from a free barn burger.
No, I can't take your money.
Oh, no, I insist.
You take it 'cause you are a Saint.
What are you doing?
[Clears throat]
Ohh. We don't have to do this.
I love you, man.
Thanks.
Well, I just had an interesting conversation with Phil,
the master scheduler.
Uh, um, what did... what did he say?
He said... [cellphone ringing]
Whoa. Hang on.
Hey, Al, I got the days!
Dr. Ken! No! No!
No! No! No, I'm serious. I talked to the master scheduler.
Dr. Ken, I... Ah, ah, ah, ah!
[Groans]
Oh, I know.
I-I am so sorry about the lying and the up and back,
but you can relax now 'cause we're going to Hawaii!
[Laughs] I know! I feel the same way!
And you know what, Al?
Screw it. Let's bring the kids.
I don't even... wait. Wait.
Oh, wait. Another call.
"Chello"?
Hang up the damn phone!
I'm the master scheduler.
You don't have the days!
[Exhales sharply]
Oh, honey, I-I-I got to go.
It's an emergency. It's a code maroon... 5.
What the hell is going on?
You're the master scheduler?
Why would you even mess with me like that?
Okay, look, four years ago, when they made me office manager,
they dumped the scheduling job on me, and...
I liked it 'cause I was helping people.
You like helping people?
I like helping people.
I just don't like people to know I like helping people
'cause then people want you to help them.
So... I made up an alter ego.
Like Bruce Wayne has Batman.
So, in this scenario, she's a rich dude with a leather fetish?
Because that's intriguing.
Hey, did I not give him the long weekend for his dad's birthday?
And you're gonna be kissing or stalking your boyfriend
on Valentine's Day 'cause of me.
Thanks, either way.
And what about when you needed those three days
to mourn Joan Rivers?
Three days?
Hey, she paved the way for so many comediennes!
I mean, without her,
there's no rudner, there's no poundstone.
You know what? I'm sorry. Please go on.
It doesn't even matter because every once in a while,
I can't help somebody I really want to help, and it sucks.
Look, Damona, it's not your fault.
I mean, am I gonna blame you publicly for it?
Absolutely.
My wife's gonna hate me. My kids are gonna hate me.
I mean, the only one who doesn't hate me
is some boob in environmental services
who I just gave 200 bucks to... And my giddyup card!
Environmental services! That's it!
Wait for me.
Not a lot of patients got seen today.
[Knock on door]
Hey, Phil.
Damona Watkins, fifth-floor office manager.
Ken Park.
We hugged recently, and there may have been a kiss.
Oh, I'm certain there was.
You took my money, my giddyup card, and my heart.
- You done? - Yep.
So, Phil, your department's closing the building
for four days in march to fumigate.
Am I right?
Oh, yeah.
We call it the "Pestic-ides of March."
[Chuckles] We like to have fun up here.
Well, look, my friend is in a bind.
I really want to help him.
So, why don't you move it to New Year's week?
Oof. That's a lot of departments to coordinate.
Well, you best get to coordinatin', son!
My bad. You got this.
I'm sorry. I-I-I don't think I can swing it.
Let me ask you a question.
Doesn't Jeff Scarborough schedule your vacation days?
That's right.
Well, I just talked to my good friend Jeff,
and he told me you like to take a week off in July
to go fishing with your family.
Man, I'd sure hate to see that go away.
Yeah, boy-ee!
You mean his trip, not his family, right?
I, uh... I guess I... Could move some things around.
Yeah. You do that, Phil, or say goodbye to your family.
Could... could you just go...
Okay. It wasn't clear. No, I didn't... I didn't know...
I mean, I didn't know if it was the trip or his family...
Phil.
It was the trip, right?
[Door closes]
Thank you so much. You saved my ass.
Oh, it's all good. [Sighs]
- So, how do you know Jeff Scarborough? - I don't.
Aw, you stone-cold!
[Laughs]
How did it go?
Mnh...
Trip's back on.
Aah! [Laughs]
And Christmas came early to Welltopia that year.
Poi, anyone? Ken, come on.
This might be as close as you get.
Relax, pat.
I'm going to "ha-vai-ee" after all.
Damn it!
I got three gallons of prank poi in my office
and the entire first season of "Magnum, P.I."
I was gonna slip it into your car.
Well, the poi, that is, not the "Magnum, P.I."
No, the "Magnum, P.I."
I was gonna broadcast on the side of your house.
Okay, look, we're the only ones who know Damona's secret,
and we're gonna keep that way, I mean,
'cause she's always taken care of us,
and we're gonna take care of her.
Absolutely. She's Batman.
Damn straight I'm Batman.
I guess that makes me the Joker, huh?
Huh? The...
Oh, my god, this was so worth it.
Ahh, I know.
[Giggles]
Sorry. I'm a little ticklish.
[Giggles]
I really needed this.
Gregory, your fingers are magic.
Dave, can you please be quiet?
Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin our couple's massage.
It's four people.
It is not a couple's massage.
I know, but Gregory's hands are making me stupid.
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