1 00:00:27,780 --> 00:00:30,420 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 2 00:00:30,420 --> 00:00:33,580 Goooooood.... 3 00:00:33,580 --> 00:00:37,940 ..rest ye merry, merry, merry, merry, merry, merry gentlemen, 4 00:00:37,940 --> 00:00:39,820 let nothing you dismay 5 00:00:39,820 --> 00:00:42,020 and welcome to the QI Christmas panto, 6 00:00:42,020 --> 00:00:44,020 with an evening of Merriment. 7 00:00:44,020 --> 00:00:46,700 Let's see who's under my tree. 8 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:49,700 It's Baron Hardup, Johnny Vegas. 9 00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:56,060 And here's Buttons Bill Bailey. 10 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,220 Widow Twankey, Jenny Eclair. 11 00:01:05,380 --> 00:01:08,340 And a horse's arse, Alan Davies. 12 00:01:12,820 --> 00:01:16,580 So, let's hear your panto noises. 13 00:01:16,580 --> 00:01:17,860 Johnny goes... 14 00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:19,700 BUZZER: "OH, YES, IT IS." 15 00:01:21,060 --> 00:01:22,100 Bill goes... 16 00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:24,100 BUZZER: "OH, NO, IT ISN'T." 17 00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:25,220 Jenny goes... 18 00:01:25,220 --> 00:01:27,380 BUZZER: "HE'S BEHIND YOU!" 19 00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:28,740 And Alan goes... 20 00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:31,340 BUZZER: "WHY IS THAT MAN WEARING A DRESS, MUMMY?" 21 00:01:33,940 --> 00:01:37,420 Good question. Have a sweet, dear. 22 00:01:37,420 --> 00:01:41,100 Right, now, I've sent you all a Christmas card and here they are. 23 00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:44,740 I've got one for Johnny. And one for Jenny. 24 00:01:44,740 --> 00:01:48,180 Thank you. One for Bill. And there's one for Alan. 25 00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:51,220 - Thank you. - Now, my question is quite simple - 26 00:01:51,220 --> 00:01:56,620 whose card is most like the first card ever sent? 27 00:01:56,620 --> 00:01:58,420 Well, mine's like that. Yeah. 28 00:01:58,420 --> 00:02:00,380 - OK, well, I've got a robin. - You've got a robin. 29 00:02:00,380 --> 00:02:04,980 - A lovely cock robin. - Cock - maybe. How do you know it's a cock robin? 30 00:02:04,980 --> 00:02:08,060 Er, well, um... 31 00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:09,500 I mean, I don't mean cock robin... 32 00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:10,940 Is that what Batman said? 33 00:02:16,980 --> 00:02:19,300 That's terrible. ALAN LAUGHS 34 00:02:19,300 --> 00:02:22,060 - He likes that - you like that, don't you? - I like that. 35 00:02:22,060 --> 00:02:24,660 He's very pleased with himself. Have another sweet. 36 00:02:26,220 --> 00:02:28,300 - Sorry? - "How do you know it's a cock, Robin?" 37 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:29,580 I didn't actually... 38 00:02:29,580 --> 00:02:32,180 "How do you know it's a cock, Robin?" 39 00:02:32,180 --> 00:02:34,620 So you've got the robin and the robin is certainly 40 00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:37,020 a traditional Christmas card picture and image. 41 00:02:37,020 --> 00:02:40,060 You've got a Roman statue? In a Christmas jumper. 42 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,300 Which seems unlikely, though, of course, 43 00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:45,940 the Roman Empire had hundreds of years as a Christian empire... No. 44 00:02:45,940 --> 00:02:50,100 But you still... If it had been a Christmas toga, maybe, but no. 45 00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:52,020 That's not the original Christmas card. 46 00:02:52,020 --> 00:02:53,260 Well, fair point. 47 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,660 You've got a little baby. 48 00:02:54,660 --> 00:02:57,260 I'm struggling to think this is the original. 49 00:02:58,620 --> 00:03:00,740 It's very close to my upbringing. 50 00:03:02,380 --> 00:03:06,300 - But it's not... - "I saw this and thought of you." 51 00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:08,220 Well, we saw that and thought of you, Alan. 52 00:03:08,220 --> 00:03:09,860 There we are. It does look a bit like me. 53 00:03:09,860 --> 00:03:11,180 It looks very like you. 54 00:03:11,180 --> 00:03:14,300 I would say that is Alan Davies, there. 55 00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,460 - In a production of Puss In Boots. - Puss In Boots. 56 00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:20,620 In 1916. 57 00:03:20,620 --> 00:03:22,940 So was that the very first Christmas card? 58 00:03:22,940 --> 00:03:26,900 No, it wasn't, but we were just fascinated to see Alan in it 59 00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:30,180 and to see that you were working in panto then 60 00:03:30,180 --> 00:03:33,980 and wondered, you know, whether you had a good experience? 61 00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:35,700 - Loved it. - You loved it, yeah. 62 00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:37,980 It's demanding, cos it's five shows a day. 63 00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:39,700 Yes, five. That's what they always say. 64 00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:42,500 But financially, it's the best gig of the year, so... 65 00:03:42,500 --> 00:03:45,620 And can I say, I don't think we're getting the best out of my costume. 66 00:03:45,620 --> 00:03:46,980 Show the ladies and gentlemen. 67 00:03:46,980 --> 00:03:48,380 Look, I've got a tail. 68 00:03:48,380 --> 00:03:49,740 Hey! AUDIENCE: Hey! 69 00:03:49,740 --> 00:03:52,340 And I've got...I've got feet and everything. 70 00:03:53,420 --> 00:03:56,460 - But it's all out of sight below the desk, Stephen. - Yes. 71 00:03:56,460 --> 00:03:59,660 It looks like you're just wearing a pair of large grey trousers, 72 00:03:59,660 --> 00:04:01,340 for no reason at all. 73 00:04:01,340 --> 00:04:04,180 They are retaining all the moisture, that's all I'd like to say... 74 00:04:04,180 --> 00:04:06,340 - Is it a ventriloquist's donkey? - It is now. 75 00:04:06,340 --> 00:04:08,540 - Oh, yeah... - "Happy new year." 76 00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:11,660 - That's a scary-looking... - "Rubbish Stephen, more points." 77 00:04:11,660 --> 00:04:13,700 You look like you're wearing boiler lagging. 78 00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:16,060 - You do! You've been lagged. - I've been lagged. 79 00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:19,420 All right, so yes, that was one Christmas card, it was 1916. 80 00:04:19,420 --> 00:04:21,620 I vote the robin as the early one. 81 00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:24,140 Robins were very early on Christmas cards. 82 00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:27,140 It's probably the most common depiction of Christmas, isn't it? 83 00:04:27,140 --> 00:04:28,780 Do you know why they were common? 84 00:04:28,780 --> 00:04:32,420 - Why were they considered a symbol of Christmas? - Uh... 85 00:04:32,420 --> 00:04:35,260 What it is, is that when the first Christmas cards were delivered, 86 00:04:35,260 --> 00:04:38,220 they were delivered by postmen who wore red tunics 87 00:04:38,220 --> 00:04:40,260 and were known as "red breasts". 88 00:04:40,260 --> 00:04:42,260 - Oh, yes. - Robin red breasts. 89 00:04:42,260 --> 00:04:46,380 And so the sight of the postman coming up the path in the snow... 90 00:04:46,380 --> 00:04:47,780 ..was a harbinger of doom. 91 00:04:47,780 --> 00:04:50,460 ..was a harbinger of doom, of doom / Christmas. 92 00:04:50,460 --> 00:04:52,300 - A harbinger of postal orders. - Yeah. 93 00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:54,780 That's the most commonly accepted theory. 94 00:04:54,780 --> 00:04:59,260 What is also interesting is that in the last...20 years, maybe, 95 00:04:59,260 --> 00:05:01,820 the number of robins on Christmas cards in Britain 96 00:05:01,820 --> 00:05:03,660 has declined enormously. 97 00:05:03,660 --> 00:05:06,940 Well, that's because that one looks like he's been doing Charlie. 98 00:05:09,340 --> 00:05:10,420 No, that... 99 00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:12,900 It just looks like he's been abusing drugs. 100 00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,300 BILL: It does, doesn't it? 101 00:05:18,180 --> 00:05:21,100 JOHNNY: He's the reason you can't get in a cubicle. 102 00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:23,020 Only you would notice, only you. 103 00:05:23,020 --> 00:05:25,980 I'm perhaps one of the last humans in Britain 104 00:05:25,980 --> 00:05:28,620 who use cubicles to have a poo. 105 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:32,700 And at Christmas, the thought of a little robin red breast in there 106 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,620 - just going... - HE SNIFFS 107 00:05:34,620 --> 00:05:36,900 HIGH-PITCHED: "I'll be out in a minute." 108 00:05:37,980 --> 00:05:40,540 ..whilst I'm touching Christmas cloth. 109 00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:41,820 Oh, gracious. 110 00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:43,660 BILL: # "Touching Christmas cloth..." 111 00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:46,180 HE HUMS TUNE OF "JINGLE BELLS" 112 00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:48,780 This is already going slightly out of control. 113 00:05:48,780 --> 00:05:51,740 I think he's just... He's been at the Gold Top, that's all that is, 114 00:05:51,740 --> 00:05:53,660 he's been at the Gold Top on your doorstep. 115 00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:55,340 - Yes, that's right. - That's true, yes. 116 00:05:55,340 --> 00:05:59,420 I think the first picture on a Christmas card 117 00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:04,300 was a furious middle-aged woman scrubbing at a roasting tray 118 00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:06,540 with a think bubble coming out of her head 119 00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:09,580 which reads, "The ungrateful shits!" 120 00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:13,420 It would be... it would be very accurate. 121 00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:16,340 I'll just finish my robin point, which was reasonably interesting, 122 00:06:16,340 --> 00:06:18,180 - at least to me, if no-one else. - Yes. 123 00:06:18,180 --> 00:06:21,420 And that is, that over the last ten years, 124 00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:24,100 the number of robins appearing in Christmas cards... 125 00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,500 YAWNING 126 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:28,660 Over the last ten years, the number of robins 127 00:06:28,660 --> 00:06:32,260 appearing on Christmas cards has declined by a quarter. 128 00:06:32,260 --> 00:06:35,100 But the number of robins in Britain, as the real birds, 129 00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:37,460 has increased by nearly a half. 130 00:06:37,460 --> 00:06:39,460 - Exponentially. - Yeah. - Oh, right. 131 00:06:39,460 --> 00:06:41,020 And the question of how you sex them, 132 00:06:41,020 --> 00:06:43,660 - how you tell them apart, it's not easy at all. - No. 133 00:06:43,660 --> 00:06:46,180 But it's something to do with the hairline they have there, 134 00:06:46,180 --> 00:06:48,020 where the red turns into grey. 135 00:06:48,020 --> 00:06:50,580 That one on the right is wearing Just For Men. 136 00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:54,180 It's said that if it's a kind of quite strong V, 137 00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:55,580 it's likely to be a female. 138 00:06:55,580 --> 00:06:57,180 And if it's more of a U, it's a male, 139 00:06:57,180 --> 00:06:59,180 but even ornithologists find it difficult. 140 00:06:59,180 --> 00:07:03,300 - No, it's very true, it's impossible. - Yeah. So, we'll turn to Jenny. 141 00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,380 What did Romans do at Christmas time? 142 00:07:05,380 --> 00:07:06,900 Rome...? What did Romans...? 143 00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:11,300 Well, they would feast and fornicate and puke up afterwards. Exactly. 144 00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:14,460 Nothing's changed, really, over the years, has it? 145 00:07:14,460 --> 00:07:17,020 - That's Christmas, basically. - That's Christmas, yeah. 146 00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:20,700 Christmas tends to happen... Once a year. 147 00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:24,060 Once a year. 148 00:07:24,060 --> 00:07:25,860 Thank you. I'm trying to help. 149 00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:27,300 APPLAUSE You are. 150 00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:30,020 - She can't get points for that. - No points for that. 151 00:07:30,020 --> 00:07:32,100 You think that's too obvious? It's not for me... 152 00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:34,100 A perfectly legitimate point has been scored. 153 00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:36,940 - Christmas is for life... - All right. - ..not just for... 154 00:07:36,940 --> 00:07:39,220 Oh, hang on, no, no. 155 00:07:39,220 --> 00:07:42,060 - There are midwinter feasts - Christmas is one. - Pagan feasts. - Yeah. 156 00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:45,100 - And the Roman one was Saturnalia. - Saturnalia. - Saturnalia, 157 00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:46,940 after the god Saturn. 158 00:07:46,940 --> 00:07:48,900 - And there you can see... - Oh, the debauchery. 159 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:51,220 You can see him throwing up in the middle, in fact. 160 00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:53,460 We did that in the stockroom at Argos. 161 00:07:55,780 --> 00:07:57,780 At Christmas. 162 00:07:57,780 --> 00:08:01,140 But the card that is closest to the first card ever sent 163 00:08:01,140 --> 00:08:02,700 is Johnny's. 164 00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:05,820 - Oh, the drinking baby. - Baby with a drink? 165 00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:07,740 It was similar to the first card, 166 00:08:07,740 --> 00:08:10,660 which had a whole family with drinks, including a baby there. 167 00:08:10,660 --> 00:08:13,380 - That's the original. - JOHNNY: Let me get this straight. 168 00:08:13,380 --> 00:08:15,460 For years, I've thought that I was raised 169 00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:16,980 in an unstable environment, 170 00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:19,460 when actually my dad, every day, 171 00:08:19,460 --> 00:08:22,060 has just been trying to promote the original Christmas card. 172 00:08:22,060 --> 00:08:24,540 Yes, there you are, exactly. Exactly. 173 00:08:24,540 --> 00:08:26,340 JOHNNY LAUGHS 174 00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:29,180 It was designed by John Callcott Horsley, 175 00:08:29,180 --> 00:08:33,460 Royal... Royal Acad... No, now I'm going to have one of these moments... 176 00:08:33,460 --> 00:08:35,460 - Royal Acadamadition. - A Royal Acadamadition. 177 00:08:35,460 --> 00:08:38,020 A Royal Academician. ALAN BABBLES 178 00:08:38,020 --> 00:08:41,020 It was designed by John Callcott Horsley, RA. 179 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,260 And he... 180 00:08:43,460 --> 00:08:45,020 - Very good. - Nice. - Safe. 181 00:08:45,020 --> 00:08:47,060 And, as you see, it depicts a family 182 00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,540 all toasting Christmas and the New Year, 183 00:08:49,540 --> 00:08:52,180 including the toddler, there, in green, in front, 184 00:08:52,180 --> 00:08:54,740 and there's on the left a sign of feeding the poor, 185 00:08:54,740 --> 00:08:57,340 and on the right, a sign of clothing the naked, 186 00:08:57,340 --> 00:08:59,820 - all the good things you should do on Christmas. - Ah, yes. 187 00:08:59,820 --> 00:09:01,780 - If you see any naked people, clothe them. - Yes. 188 00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:05,660 Do not approach them. 189 00:09:05,660 --> 00:09:07,900 No. So there we are. 190 00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:12,780 Now, the Queen has a Christmas message, as do we. 191 00:09:12,780 --> 00:09:17,220 In fact, as we approach the end of series 13, 192 00:09:17,220 --> 00:09:20,500 it's time for us to reveal that every episode of QI, 193 00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:23,180 every single one, since the very first, 194 00:09:23,180 --> 00:09:27,740 has included a secret message which nobody has spotted. 195 00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:30,060 Where do you think it's hidden? 196 00:09:30,060 --> 00:09:31,780 Is it on your face? 197 00:09:34,940 --> 00:09:36,580 Have you just encrypted 198 00:09:36,580 --> 00:09:39,900 some of your delightful laughter lines into some...? 199 00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,100 Perhaps it's in Klingon. 200 00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:43,980 HE SPEAKS KLINGON 201 00:09:43,980 --> 00:09:47,020 - Merry Christmas. - It's not on my face. 202 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:50,100 Is it in the credits or the theme tune? 203 00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:52,140 - Theme tune. - The theme tune? - Ah! The theme tune. 204 00:09:52,140 --> 00:09:53,660 BILL: What? No! 205 00:09:53,660 --> 00:09:55,060 Yes. It's in code. 206 00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:57,860 What sort of code do you think it might be in? Morse code. 207 00:09:57,860 --> 00:10:01,340 Morse code is the right answer. No, really?! Yes. Yes! 208 00:10:01,340 --> 00:10:04,460 JENNY LAUGHS, APPLAUSE 209 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:11,940 It was composed by the prolific Howard Goodall, 210 00:10:11,940 --> 00:10:14,580 whom people will know from Vicar of Dibley and Blackadder 211 00:10:14,580 --> 00:10:17,660 and many other theme tunes, as well as serious work, 212 00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:21,660 and his colleague, Simon Nathan, decoded this, 213 00:10:21,660 --> 00:10:24,340 and this is what it actually says. 214 00:10:24,340 --> 00:10:26,900 And that is actually a decoding of the... 215 00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:29,100 HE KNOCKS ON DESK ..the long and the shorts, 216 00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:32,180 the minims and the crochets, if you like, in musical terms. 217 00:10:32,180 --> 00:10:37,340 And it does come out as www.alan0andstephenhero.com. 218 00:10:37,340 --> 00:10:40,620 And that...that is... 219 00:10:40,620 --> 00:10:43,580 I know, I'm sorry. I didn't... 220 00:10:43,580 --> 00:10:45,380 APPLAUSE 221 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:51,900 - BILL: He never told you. - No... 222 00:10:51,900 --> 00:10:54,460 Years, you've been, like, in the stocks. 223 00:10:54,460 --> 00:10:58,860 Oh. Poor Alan. 224 00:10:58,860 --> 00:11:01,260 Well, I didn't know it until I was told either, Alan. 225 00:11:01,260 --> 00:11:02,340 It's not my... 226 00:11:02,340 --> 00:11:04,140 A STUDIO LIGHT BLOWS Oh! My God! 227 00:11:05,620 --> 00:11:07,900 - What happened there? - What the hell was that?! 228 00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:09,580 - It was a light. - BILL: Was it a lamp? 229 00:11:09,580 --> 00:11:11,620 - It might be a lamp. - No, no, he's got a bad ankle, 230 00:11:11,620 --> 00:11:12,900 I'm just taking him out. 231 00:11:14,620 --> 00:11:16,420 I can't afford to keep him. 232 00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:19,220 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 233 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:20,580 Wow. 234 00:11:21,620 --> 00:11:24,900 I absolutely shat myself. 235 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,900 ABSOLUTELY shat yourself? My God. 236 00:11:28,380 --> 00:11:30,500 So where were we? Where were we? Where were we? 237 00:11:30,500 --> 00:11:34,540 Oh, we were with this, www.alan0andstephenhero.com. 238 00:11:34,540 --> 00:11:37,500 - Yeah, let's move on from that. - You might find, ladies and gentlemen, 239 00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:39,540 including panelistas, 240 00:11:39,540 --> 00:11:41,500 that that is a real URL, 241 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:44,980 a real web address, that you can find a little QI Easter egg in 242 00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:46,060 if you visit it. 243 00:11:46,060 --> 00:11:48,540 Wow, if you've got nothing better to do with your lives. 244 00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:52,180 I think it's a jolly exciting thing to do with your life. 245 00:11:52,180 --> 00:11:53,420 Yes, it is, of course. 246 00:11:53,420 --> 00:11:55,140 BUZZER: "OH, NO, IT ISN'T..." 247 00:11:56,660 --> 00:11:57,860 So this... 248 00:11:57,860 --> 00:11:59,500 BUZZER: "OH, YES, IT IS." 249 00:11:59,500 --> 00:12:02,460 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I knew there'd be trouble. 250 00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:10,140 I mentioned to you that that hidden code was discovered by Simon Nathan. 251 00:12:10,140 --> 00:12:12,020 He's in the audience. Where are you? 252 00:12:12,020 --> 00:12:14,260 Is he wearing an anorak? There he is, over there. 253 00:12:14,260 --> 00:12:16,300 He's not wearing an anorak. APPLAUSE 254 00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,500 Well done. Thank you very much. 255 00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,180 There you are. 256 00:12:21,180 --> 00:12:26,580 - Other TV shows have also hidden Morse code inside them. - Have they? 257 00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:27,900 Yeah. Do you know of one? 258 00:12:27,900 --> 00:12:30,900 One quite well-known example, pretty obvious when you think about it. 259 00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:32,140 - Loose Women. - BILL: Morse. 260 00:12:32,140 --> 00:12:33,980 Morse. Of course. Morse, yeah. 261 00:12:33,980 --> 00:12:37,780 The composer, Barrington Pheloung, liked to... 262 00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:39,660 Never! That's his name, yes. 263 00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:42,740 Barrington Pheloung, nice chap. Very nice fellow. 264 00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:44,860 He used to hide the name of the murderer very often 265 00:12:44,860 --> 00:12:46,260 in the opening... 266 00:12:46,260 --> 00:12:47,860 HE HUMS BEAT ..there. 267 00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:49,700 Yes. Wasn't it like this? 268 00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:51,940 - Hang on, I've actually, look, look... - Oh, hello. 269 00:12:51,940 --> 00:12:55,100 Right. It was like this, wasn't it? 270 00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:56,460 HE PLAYS NOTES 271 00:12:56,460 --> 00:12:59,340 - Yes. - He'd tap it out and then when the murderer appeared, he went... 272 00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:01,180 SINISTER MUSICAL STING 273 00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:05,540 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 274 00:13:05,540 --> 00:13:07,740 And you went, "That's him!" 275 00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:12,940 They never understood why everybody could guess the murderer, could they? 276 00:13:12,940 --> 00:13:15,940 Another one which used Morse might surprise you. 277 00:13:15,940 --> 00:13:17,380 It had titles that came over 278 00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:20,340 as a sort of ticker-tape kind of thing at the end, 279 00:13:20,340 --> 00:13:24,060 with a piccolo giving the tune of a famous sitcom. 280 00:13:24,060 --> 00:13:26,740 BILL WHISTLES 281 00:13:26,740 --> 00:13:29,780 - Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. - Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em. 282 00:13:29,780 --> 00:13:32,420 - That one. - That one. - Exactly. - I'll stop whistling now. 283 00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:34,780 That was brilliant, you're right, that was the tune. 284 00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:36,940 And there's a building that gives off Morse code, 285 00:13:36,940 --> 00:13:38,540 a very famous building in Hollywood. 286 00:13:38,540 --> 00:13:41,660 - How? Tapping it? - Well, it's got a light flashing at the top. 287 00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:43,540 - It's not sound. - Oh, I thought it was... 288 00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:45,860 Because of course, Morse code can be visual as well. 289 00:13:45,860 --> 00:13:49,100 There it is. Capitol Records. It's like a stack of discs. 290 00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:51,700 And it flashes out this message here, 291 00:13:51,700 --> 00:13:54,100 "Hollywood", in Morse code - very simple. 292 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:58,980 But in 2013, it changed to announce Katy Perry's new album Prism 293 00:13:58,980 --> 00:14:01,660 and its release date came out in Morse code. 294 00:14:01,660 --> 00:14:03,420 Nobody noticed. 295 00:14:04,660 --> 00:14:08,940 Not like the demographic of Katy Perry's fans, not... 296 00:14:08,940 --> 00:14:13,020 They're not really into Morse. I'm just...just saying, just saying. 297 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:14,380 Bletchley and Katy Perry, 298 00:14:14,380 --> 00:14:17,020 there's no real cross-over, is there? Not really. 299 00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:20,380 There's 200,000 fans sitting there with carrier pigeons. 300 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,780 "If only I'd known it was Morse." 301 00:14:25,780 --> 00:14:30,260 In 2004, Morse code added its first addition since World War II, 302 00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:33,140 which is di-dah-dah-di-dah-di. 303 00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:34,660 See if you can guess what it is? 304 00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:36,460 It's an addition to the Morse alphabet. 305 00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:38,180 It's going to be a hashtag or an @ sign. 306 00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:39,620 It's an @ sign, well done. 307 00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:42,180 Exactly right, so that people can spot e-mail addresses. 308 00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:45,500 Samuel Morse invented Morse code, as you probably know. 309 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:49,260 But do you know anything about him, other than that he was the inventor of Morse code? 310 00:14:49,260 --> 00:14:51,860 He had another job, which was rather interesting. 311 00:14:51,860 --> 00:14:57,860 He was a painter and he liked, or was commissioned, to paint... 312 00:14:57,860 --> 00:15:00,460 - Dot-dot-dot, dash... - ..to paint paintings... 313 00:15:00,460 --> 00:15:03,220 Dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot... 314 00:15:03,220 --> 00:15:06,660 He wasn't a pointillist, but he was commissioned to paint paintings. 315 00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:09,620 It seems very odd, why would he be commissioned to paint paintings? 316 00:15:09,620 --> 00:15:11,660 Whoa! There's a fly on my hand! 317 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:15,620 Argh! 318 00:15:15,620 --> 00:15:17,460 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 319 00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:18,500 Oh! 320 00:15:19,660 --> 00:15:21,260 Oh...! 321 00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:24,660 You've killed it, Alan! 322 00:15:24,660 --> 00:15:27,900 - I never thought I'd get it in a million years! - How could you?! 323 00:15:27,900 --> 00:15:29,740 It was just looking for somewhere to sleep 324 00:15:29,740 --> 00:15:32,980 - and you just killed it, you...you brute! - I'm so sorry. 325 00:15:32,980 --> 00:15:35,380 Never mind. Merry Christmas, everybody. 326 00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:38,100 Samuel Morse was a painter 327 00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:41,020 and he was commissioned to paint paintings. 328 00:15:41,020 --> 00:15:42,980 - Paint paintings. - Because he lived in an era 329 00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:44,420 when there were no catalogues. 330 00:15:44,420 --> 00:15:47,460 - Of course. - Of museums, for example. So he painted... 331 00:15:47,460 --> 00:15:50,940 - The Argos catalogue. - He painted one famous... 332 00:15:50,940 --> 00:15:53,700 He painted one famous painting, six foot by nine, 333 00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:58,460 of the most well-known exhibits at the Louvre Museum. 334 00:15:58,460 --> 00:16:01,980 So you could see them if you hadn't visited it. 335 00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:04,700 You can see the Mona Lisa, down there, famously. 336 00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:06,860 - The best-known of... - He was quite good, wasn't he? 337 00:16:06,860 --> 00:16:08,620 - Yeah, he was. - So as a sort of copyist... 338 00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:10,820 Yeah. To give you an idea of what was in the museum, 339 00:16:10,820 --> 00:16:14,540 the best-known ones there, if you didn't have a chance of getting to Paris, for example. 340 00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,980 So next time you think of Samuel Morse, 341 00:16:16,980 --> 00:16:19,380 you can think of that as well as the dots and dashes. Oh. 342 00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:23,060 I will - I'll think of him as...as a public spirited... 343 00:16:23,060 --> 00:16:25,500 I think that's genuinely interesting. Thank you. 344 00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:28,140 Yes. That's all we hope for. Good. 345 00:16:28,140 --> 00:16:30,500 So by that logic, he invented the internet? 346 00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,100 - He didn't. - He didn't? - No. 347 00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:41,500 BILL: Wait, the fly's coming back to life! 348 00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:45,060 Hold that thought, though. 349 00:16:45,060 --> 00:16:47,300 I have to hold these thoughts, I have nothing else. 350 00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:48,980 No, they're good thoughts. Thank you. 351 00:16:48,980 --> 00:16:50,940 Anyway... We'll move on, we'll move on. 352 00:16:50,940 --> 00:16:52,260 And we may come back to that. 353 00:16:52,260 --> 00:16:54,060 I very much doubt it, but we may. 354 00:16:56,420 --> 00:17:00,500 Describe the plot of, or sing a song from the popular musical, 355 00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:02,260 "The Bathrooms Are Coming". 356 00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:07,060 # The bathrooms are coming 357 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,940 ♪ Thank God, I need a shit! ♪ 358 00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:12,340 Nice. Bill, can you do me 359 00:17:12,340 --> 00:17:15,300 CISTERNS Are Doing It For Themselves? 360 00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,620 Oh, very good. APPLAUSE 361 00:17:19,180 --> 00:17:22,380 # The bathrooms are coming Lock up your pipes 362 00:17:22,380 --> 00:17:25,860 # The bathrooms are coming Where are your knives? 363 00:17:25,860 --> 00:17:29,060 # Kill, kill, kill them They'll be coming 364 00:17:29,060 --> 00:17:30,780 # Kill them, kill them 365 00:17:30,780 --> 00:17:33,580 ♪ The bathrooms are coming for your lives... ♪ 366 00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:35,380 AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG 367 00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:37,820 ♪ They're coming for your souls... ♪ 368 00:17:39,940 --> 00:17:43,620 # I've had it installed now 369 00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:46,780 # And there's nothing to pay till September 370 00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:55,540 # I'm on an HP high 371 00:17:55,540 --> 00:18:00,180 # And ain't no debt collector ever gonna bring me down 372 00:18:01,420 --> 00:18:04,300 # Water may be very hot 373 00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:08,220 ♪ Don't let the grout go mouldy on me... ♪ 374 00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:10,180 APPLAUSE 375 00:18:12,660 --> 00:18:14,140 It was country and western. 376 00:18:14,140 --> 00:18:15,780 BILL PLAYS A TUNE 377 00:18:15,780 --> 00:18:18,540 If you're going to do country and western, it'll be... 378 00:18:18,540 --> 00:18:22,900 # Fixed shower head, driving me wild 379 00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:29,620 # Can't find my crevices no matter how hard I tried 380 00:18:30,820 --> 00:18:33,140 - # I'm going to put my leg up... # - No, don't! 381 00:18:34,460 --> 00:18:36,860 - # Pull my junk to the side... # - Oh...! 382 00:18:39,020 --> 00:18:41,020 BILL PLAYS AN END NOTE 383 00:18:42,340 --> 00:18:43,820 Thank you. 384 00:18:43,820 --> 00:18:46,980 Well, that was a big surprise, thank you very much. 385 00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:49,660 Do you know what that might be? The Bathrooms Are Coming? 386 00:18:49,660 --> 00:18:52,540 - The Bathrooms Are Coming? - Written by a Broadway musical composer. 387 00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:53,980 But not for Broadway. 388 00:18:53,980 --> 00:18:57,300 - Was it a bathroom company? - A commercial or something? 389 00:18:57,300 --> 00:18:59,740 Yes. American Standard, they were called, 390 00:18:59,740 --> 00:19:03,700 and this was one of many, many, many industrial musicals, 391 00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:06,580 which had their heyday in between 1950 and 1980, 392 00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,260 30 years of exciting musicals 393 00:19:08,260 --> 00:19:12,620 for conventions of various companies and their salesmen, all over America. 394 00:19:12,620 --> 00:19:16,060 And they would write specialist musicals just for the salesmen, 395 00:19:16,060 --> 00:19:18,700 just for the conventioners, not for the members of the public. 396 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,780 But they had big budgets and they were written by Broadway, 397 00:19:21,780 --> 00:19:24,340 serious Broadway composers, who hid their names, I think. 398 00:19:24,340 --> 00:19:27,340 - Yeah. - But that's an example of one, The Bathrooms Are Coming. 399 00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:30,540 An original musical, presented by American Standard, as you can see. 400 00:19:30,540 --> 00:19:32,340 The Sound of Selling. 401 00:19:32,340 --> 00:19:35,980 B F Goodrich's 1966 sales meeting musical. 402 00:19:35,980 --> 00:19:37,060 Isn't that exciting? 403 00:19:37,060 --> 00:19:39,700 The Saga of the Dingbat. The Saga of the Dingbat? 404 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,900 - This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. - Isn't it? 405 00:19:41,900 --> 00:19:44,860 - Truly astonishing. - Mental, innit? - These were huge. - What's going on? 406 00:19:44,860 --> 00:19:47,900 Well, when it started in the '50s, by about 1955, 407 00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:50,660 - America... - ..had gone mad. 408 00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:52,540 ..made two-thirds of the world's goods. 409 00:19:52,540 --> 00:19:55,340 Two-thirds of manufacturing industry in the world was American. 410 00:19:55,340 --> 00:19:56,500 Was this at the height of, 411 00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:59,540 "This week's show was brought to you by Lorimar cigarettes..."? 412 00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:01,820 - There was all that sponsorship going on... - Yeah. 413 00:20:01,820 --> 00:20:04,220 ..on the Ed Sullivan Show and things like that, yeah. 414 00:20:04,220 --> 00:20:06,740 - So wait, hang on, if you want to hang on a second. - Excellent! 415 00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:09,420 # If you've a hankering for knowledge 416 00:20:09,420 --> 00:20:11,660 # But can't be arsed with college 417 00:20:11,660 --> 00:20:16,300 ♪ Then this is the show for you. ♪ Something like that, I don't know. 418 00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,340 Yeah. That's the one! 419 00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:18,740 That's the QI show. APPLAUSE 420 00:20:18,740 --> 00:20:23,580 ♪ This really Quite Interesting show! ♪ 421 00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:26,180 - Something like that. - Yes, The Quite Interesting Show. 422 00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:28,260 We've got our own musical. APPLAUSE 423 00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:32,180 Thank you, Bill. 424 00:20:32,180 --> 00:20:35,180 # Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan 425 00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:38,020 ♪ Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan I'm aghast! ♪ 426 00:20:38,020 --> 00:20:41,100 - LAUGHTER - # And he's won! No, he's last. # 427 00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:42,140 You know. 428 00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:45,620 We could, we could do this, I don't know, 429 00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:48,500 - like funded by some kind of light bulb company... - Yeah. 430 00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:51,460 LAUGHTER ..and put it on ice. 431 00:20:51,460 --> 00:20:52,820 - Yes. - Yes! 432 00:20:52,820 --> 00:20:54,420 Don't need to skate properly - 433 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,220 just skate out, deliver your lines and skate off. 434 00:20:59,060 --> 00:21:02,620 - QI on Ice. - On Ice. - Q Ice! - Just, just... 435 00:21:02,620 --> 00:21:05,980 Stephen, don't look at your cards, think about it just for a second. 436 00:21:05,980 --> 00:21:08,380 - Please! - Quite pleased with that - Q Ice. 437 00:21:08,380 --> 00:21:11,780 We've got reality shows filling arenas, QI on Ice. 438 00:21:11,780 --> 00:21:14,020 - Do you think that would work? - I think so. - No. 439 00:21:14,020 --> 00:21:16,500 I would... Wouldn't you pay to see yourself...? 440 00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:18,500 Would I pay to see myself on ice? 441 00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:19,740 Skate out... LAUGHTER 442 00:21:19,740 --> 00:21:22,420 - BILL: In a horse costume! - In a horse costume! 443 00:21:22,420 --> 00:21:25,940 - No, I will not part with any money under any circumstances. - Come on! 444 00:21:25,940 --> 00:21:26,980 So... 445 00:21:28,100 --> 00:21:31,180 QI on Ice, just think about it, just overnight, 446 00:21:31,180 --> 00:21:33,060 don't write it off straight away. 447 00:21:33,060 --> 00:21:35,500 I'll put it on... on ice. 448 00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:37,140 LAUGHTER So... 449 00:21:37,140 --> 00:21:38,980 Here are some lines from musicals, 450 00:21:38,980 --> 00:21:41,940 in this golden era of the industrial musical, as it was called, 451 00:21:41,940 --> 00:21:44,380 and you have to tell me who the company was, really. 452 00:21:44,380 --> 00:21:47,980 - Go on. - "I can sell a wiener! My school..." Sausages! 453 00:21:47,980 --> 00:21:49,580 Yes, wieners are sausages. 454 00:21:50,780 --> 00:21:53,100 But it goes a little further, you see. Oh, I see. 455 00:21:53,100 --> 00:21:55,980 "My school supplies are cleaner! I sell candy!" 456 00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:58,620 - So, OK, can sell a sausage and candy? - Wal-Mart. 457 00:21:58,620 --> 00:22:01,420 - Wal-Mart. - You're in the right area, it's a very well-known brand, 458 00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:04,460 sells things, from early in the morning to quite late at night. 459 00:22:04,460 --> 00:22:07,740 - 7-Eleven. - 7-Eleven is the right answer. That was a good clue! 460 00:22:07,740 --> 00:22:11,020 - Well, you know... - That was a bit of a hint, wasn't it? I was helping you. 461 00:22:11,020 --> 00:22:14,180 This one you won't necessarily know the name of the company, but it's, 462 00:22:14,180 --> 00:22:18,460 "Any cola tastes so much colier. Holy water is somewhat holier." 463 00:22:18,460 --> 00:22:20,900 - They weren't trying, really, then, were they? - No! 464 00:22:20,900 --> 00:22:21,940 LAUGHTER 465 00:22:21,940 --> 00:22:24,460 - Something that contains liquids. - Very much phoning it in! 466 00:22:24,460 --> 00:22:27,100 - It's the Scott paper cup company, that's what it is. - Oh, right. 467 00:22:27,100 --> 00:22:29,020 This one is weird, because it makes Mad Men 468 00:22:29,020 --> 00:22:33,060 look positively modern in its attitude towards women and bosses. 469 00:22:33,060 --> 00:22:37,780 "Though our boss never beats us, for that he'd never do 470 00:22:37,780 --> 00:22:42,340 "It always looks as though he does 'cause we are black and blue. 471 00:22:42,340 --> 00:22:45,100 "With ribbons! Ribbons! Ribbons! Ribbons!" 472 00:22:45,100 --> 00:22:46,820 Typewriters, typewriters, isn't it? 473 00:22:46,820 --> 00:22:49,260 Monroe Calculators. Oh! Yeah. 474 00:22:49,260 --> 00:22:52,740 "I really enjoyed my appendectomy. Loved my hysterectomy." 475 00:22:52,740 --> 00:22:54,540 LAUGHTER 476 00:22:56,140 --> 00:22:58,060 - Um... - BUPA? 477 00:22:58,060 --> 00:23:03,340 - It's Surg-O-Pack, who are disposable surgical implements and so on. - Right. 478 00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:07,140 - Implying that you sort of did it yourself, really, sort of... - Yeah! 479 00:23:07,140 --> 00:23:10,180 Exactly. "I gave myself a lovely hysterectomy." 480 00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:12,700 Yes, I draw it on - how hard can it be? Yeah. 481 00:23:12,700 --> 00:23:16,540 Well, there you are. Industrial musicals were made to motivate. 482 00:23:16,540 --> 00:23:18,900 Whose music do cats like best? 483 00:23:20,460 --> 00:23:25,580 Um, is he, that cat, listening to Purr-ple Rain perhaps? 484 00:23:25,580 --> 00:23:27,220 GROANING Purr-ple Rain! 485 00:23:27,220 --> 00:23:30,860 You've made a cat joke! I liked it. No, no, good. 486 00:23:30,860 --> 00:23:32,420 It looks like he's in Old Smokey, 487 00:23:32,420 --> 00:23:35,700 - he looks like he's in an electric chair being... - Oh! 488 00:23:35,700 --> 00:23:37,420 LAUGHTER 489 00:23:37,420 --> 00:23:40,300 Sparky, I think, rather than Smokey, wasn't it? 490 00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:43,180 They're electrocuting that cat. He's not listening to anything. 491 00:23:43,180 --> 00:23:46,940 - Is it jazz? - Is it...? No. Well, not jazz, actually. 492 00:23:46,940 --> 00:23:49,020 Perhaps unsurprisingly, 493 00:23:49,020 --> 00:23:52,940 cats are not that interested in human music of any kind. 494 00:23:52,940 --> 00:23:56,100 - They're pretty much indifferent to it. - Really? - Yeah. 495 00:23:56,100 --> 00:23:59,460 But they do like music specially composed for them. 496 00:23:59,460 --> 00:24:01,380 Do they like birdsong? Cat music is... 497 00:24:01,380 --> 00:24:05,740 Well, it sounds like mouse and bird and indeed cat sounds. 498 00:24:05,740 --> 00:24:07,500 SOFT MUSIC PLAYS 499 00:24:09,220 --> 00:24:12,780 - These are cats enjoying themselves, are they? - Yeah. 500 00:24:12,780 --> 00:24:15,260 - Wow. - Not being tormented? 501 00:24:15,260 --> 00:24:17,940 No! No cats were tormented in the making of this sequence. 502 00:24:17,940 --> 00:24:20,220 - If you listen to the music... - It's quite lovely. 503 00:24:20,220 --> 00:24:21,980 PIANO TINKLING 504 00:24:21,980 --> 00:24:25,500 It has slight calls and slight birds and purring things. It's got hums. 505 00:24:25,500 --> 00:24:28,380 Yeah, cat noises in it as well. MUSIC CONTINUES 506 00:24:28,380 --> 00:24:32,620 Yeah, but is it true that cats don't meow to other cats, only to humans? 507 00:24:32,620 --> 00:24:34,060 BIRDSONG ON MUSIC 508 00:24:34,060 --> 00:24:35,660 LAUGHTER 509 00:24:35,660 --> 00:24:38,700 I don't know. I'm being genuine! I was told this. No, I'm fascinated! 510 00:24:38,700 --> 00:24:40,820 - I don't know. - I'll go along with that! - Yeah, yeah? 511 00:24:40,820 --> 00:24:42,860 I've had cats and then, you don't see them meow. 512 00:24:42,860 --> 00:24:45,140 - They just kind of hiss, they just grunt. - Yeah. 513 00:24:45,140 --> 00:24:46,780 Their body language says enough. 514 00:24:46,780 --> 00:24:49,420 - They hiss if they're fighting. - They go up very close to them 515 00:24:49,420 --> 00:24:52,340 and going, "Yeah, you get the food, I'll go out the back." Yeah. 516 00:24:52,340 --> 00:24:55,300 They're just whispering and hissing and all sorts of other noises. 517 00:24:55,300 --> 00:24:57,060 Yeah, but it's only with humans 518 00:24:57,060 --> 00:24:59,980 - that they go, "Meow." - Yeah. - "Meow." - You're right. 519 00:24:59,980 --> 00:25:01,700 Younger cats are more receptive 520 00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:03,900 to that sort of music than middle-aged ones, 521 00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:06,860 and, some like it so much, they rub their faces against the speakers. 522 00:25:06,860 --> 00:25:09,500 - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Aw! - They get very, very excited by it. 523 00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:12,020 - The same cat music composer... - Well, we've all done that! 524 00:25:12,020 --> 00:25:14,860 ..is working with the Smithsonian National Zoo 525 00:25:14,860 --> 00:25:19,140 - on cotton-top tamarins... - Aw! - ..who like silence more than music. 526 00:25:19,140 --> 00:25:21,340 - How do they get the funding? - Yes! 527 00:25:21,340 --> 00:25:22,900 LAUGHTER 528 00:25:22,900 --> 00:25:26,140 But isn't...? Shouldn't there be a cut-off point where you're suddenly 529 00:25:26,140 --> 00:25:29,180 going, "Oh, the cat doesn't like my music, I'll change my music." 530 00:25:29,180 --> 00:25:32,340 And then, you go, "Well, the cat can't work my cooker." 531 00:25:32,340 --> 00:25:34,980 I'll devise a cooker that the cat can use. Yeah. 532 00:25:34,980 --> 00:25:38,060 And then, essentially, you end up living in the cat's house. 533 00:25:38,060 --> 00:25:39,100 LAUGHTER 534 00:25:39,100 --> 00:25:43,060 And you're sitting there on a bed of dead robins, 535 00:25:43,060 --> 00:25:47,660 wondering why they don't feature on Christmas cards any more. 536 00:25:47,660 --> 00:25:51,860 Isn't there a point where we should maintain the human/pet relationship? 537 00:25:51,860 --> 00:25:54,900 You're right, you've painted a nightmare scenario there. 538 00:25:54,900 --> 00:25:57,740 Well, I just don't know how big the roof will be. 539 00:25:57,740 --> 00:26:01,020 No! No none of us, none of us does. LAUGHTER 540 00:26:01,020 --> 00:26:04,300 - Um... - When you come home and you go through a flap, 541 00:26:04,300 --> 00:26:05,820 you know it's gone too far. 542 00:26:05,820 --> 00:26:07,260 LAUGHTER 543 00:26:08,540 --> 00:26:10,540 Anyway, cats prefer their own music 544 00:26:10,540 --> 00:26:13,420 to Atomic Kitten or Cat Stevens. JENNY LAUGHS 545 00:26:13,420 --> 00:26:16,660 Now time for a short interval. Who wants an ice cream? 546 00:26:16,660 --> 00:26:19,620 - Yes, please. - Me, me, pick me. - Oh, there we are. Yeah, go on. 547 00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:20,820 There, take a couple. 548 00:26:20,820 --> 00:26:23,460 - We've got some left over, of course. - Thank you very much. Wow! 549 00:26:23,460 --> 00:26:27,220 - There you go. Johnny? - Oh, yes, please. Thank you, my love. 550 00:26:27,220 --> 00:26:29,940 Chocolate, I've got chocolate, I don't really like chocolate. 551 00:26:29,940 --> 00:26:32,580 - I've got raisin, I don't like raisin. - Do you want to swap? - Yes. 552 00:26:32,580 --> 00:26:34,660 - No, I'd like vanilla, please. - Oh? 553 00:26:34,660 --> 00:26:36,220 - LAUGHTER - Do you like chocolate? 554 00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:38,620 - Do you want to swap? - Yes! You can have another flavour. 555 00:26:38,620 --> 00:26:41,580 - I've got strawberry. - That'll do me! - All right. 556 00:26:41,580 --> 00:26:43,300 - Oh, you already had a bit! - Yes! 557 00:26:43,300 --> 00:26:45,540 LAUGHTER 558 00:26:45,540 --> 00:26:48,260 How else would I know I didn't like it!? 559 00:26:48,260 --> 00:26:51,340 - Well, do what I did - just sniff it and lick it. - Don't do that! 560 00:26:53,460 --> 00:26:56,780 - People who sniff... - Don't take a lump out! 561 00:26:56,780 --> 00:27:00,380 You must have very warm hands, cos this is already melted! 562 00:27:00,380 --> 00:27:02,700 I'm having a hot flush! 563 00:27:02,700 --> 00:27:05,300 APPLAUSE It's one of my super-powers! 564 00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:07,540 - Mine's turned into a slushy! - Yes! 565 00:27:07,540 --> 00:27:10,100 You're going to a dinner party and they've forgotten to get 566 00:27:10,100 --> 00:27:12,780 the ice cream out of the freezer, just hold it against my neck! 567 00:27:12,780 --> 00:27:15,820 LAUGHTER And it's spoon soft in seconds! 568 00:27:15,820 --> 00:27:17,940 - Well, there's barely any... - THEY BOTH SHOUT 569 00:27:17,940 --> 00:27:20,460 LAUGHTER DROWNS THEM OUT 570 00:27:20,460 --> 00:27:23,020 - Right... - I don't want to do this in front of Stephen. - No. 571 00:27:23,020 --> 00:27:26,140 But the next time we're having ice cream, just... 572 00:27:26,140 --> 00:27:28,340 LAUGHTER 573 00:27:28,340 --> 00:27:32,180 - Don't have her on my team! - Do you have any HRT-flavoured ice cream? 574 00:27:33,740 --> 00:27:35,980 No, this is delicious. Thank you very much. Good. 575 00:27:35,980 --> 00:27:38,620 This is what I think life will be like in a nursing home. 576 00:27:38,620 --> 00:27:40,660 LOUD LAUGHTER 577 00:27:40,660 --> 00:27:42,260 APPLAUSE Anyway... 578 00:27:42,260 --> 00:27:44,060 What flavour have you got?! 579 00:27:44,060 --> 00:27:46,620 Bingo! So what was the biggest nuisance 580 00:27:46,620 --> 00:27:50,220 - in the Victorian theatre? - I like peas! I had a fly in mine. 581 00:27:50,220 --> 00:27:52,820 What was the biggest nuisance...? I've got to tell this. 582 00:27:52,820 --> 00:27:55,380 What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre? 583 00:27:55,380 --> 00:27:58,540 No... What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre? 584 00:27:58,540 --> 00:28:00,500 APPLAUSE Please! 585 00:28:00,500 --> 00:28:05,100 SHOUTS: What was the biggest nuisance in the Victorian theatre? 586 00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:08,940 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 587 00:28:11,740 --> 00:28:13,540 Yeah? 588 00:28:13,540 --> 00:28:15,180 Any thoughts? 589 00:28:15,180 --> 00:28:16,860 Ice-cream? 590 00:28:16,860 --> 00:28:19,500 I, genuinely... Don't worry, you don't need to press them. 591 00:28:19,500 --> 00:28:22,580 - Was it people interrupting? - That was one of them. 592 00:28:22,580 --> 00:28:26,300 Was it the infamous female flasher 593 00:28:26,300 --> 00:28:31,020 who'd invade a Victorian stage without her bloomers, 594 00:28:31,020 --> 00:28:32,980 and she was called Fanny by Gaslight. 595 00:28:32,980 --> 00:28:35,260 Was it her? It wasn't that, no. 596 00:28:35,260 --> 00:28:37,980 Was it things going wrong, like machinery? 597 00:28:37,980 --> 00:28:40,660 Well, those were all bad things, they are bad today, 598 00:28:40,660 --> 00:28:43,460 but what is actually still one of the worst things that can happen? 599 00:28:43,460 --> 00:28:45,900 - People eating sweets. - That's bad. Was it a bulb breaking? 600 00:28:45,900 --> 00:28:47,060 If you're in the audience, 601 00:28:47,060 --> 00:28:49,580 what is one of the most annoying things for you, not just... 602 00:28:49,580 --> 00:28:51,580 Cholera. 603 00:28:51,580 --> 00:28:53,260 LAUGHTER 604 00:28:53,260 --> 00:28:56,060 Being stabbed in the neck by someone. 605 00:28:56,060 --> 00:28:58,740 You're stretching, Bill. It's good that you're thinking. 606 00:28:58,740 --> 00:29:01,060 TB. 607 00:29:01,060 --> 00:29:02,340 Rickets. 608 00:29:02,340 --> 00:29:03,620 LAUGHTER 609 00:29:03,620 --> 00:29:06,860 If you stayed in for a very long time. No, what it is... 610 00:29:06,860 --> 00:29:09,900 Let's imagine, for example, the Victoria Theatre, in London. 611 00:29:09,900 --> 00:29:14,740 - Yeah. - It had 2,200 people. When it came to the interval? 612 00:29:14,740 --> 00:29:16,380 - Oh, the lavatories? - The lavatories. 613 00:29:16,380 --> 00:29:18,900 - How many lavatories do you think it had? - Four. - Two. - One. 614 00:29:18,900 --> 00:29:21,980 - One lavatory. - One lavatory, 2,200 people. 615 00:29:21,980 --> 00:29:26,740 This is an issue, isn't it? It's not good. Nothing's changed. 616 00:29:26,740 --> 00:29:29,140 Well, things were even more problematic up north, 617 00:29:29,140 --> 00:29:32,940 certainly in the Theatre Royal in Newcastle, in the Victorian era, 618 00:29:32,940 --> 00:29:37,900 where they actually installed lead lining on the floor of the balcony 619 00:29:37,900 --> 00:29:41,020 because urine was dropping down on to the people in the stalls, 620 00:29:41,020 --> 00:29:43,660 because people just peed where they sat 621 00:29:43,660 --> 00:29:45,260 cos there was nowhere else to go. 622 00:29:45,260 --> 00:29:47,260 GEORDIE ACCENT: Lovely, lovely Geordies! 623 00:29:47,260 --> 00:29:48,740 LAUGHTER 624 00:29:48,740 --> 00:29:51,740 Now, now, careful, careful. Just be careful, that's all I'm saying. 625 00:29:51,740 --> 00:29:55,820 - Aye aye, we'll piss on't floor! - It's pretty grim. That was in 1837. 626 00:29:55,820 --> 00:29:58,820 That was a serious problem and it's still a problem today, is it not? 627 00:29:58,820 --> 00:30:01,380 I think particularly for women? Absolutely. 628 00:30:01,380 --> 00:30:04,140 Sometimes you just have to invade the men's. Yeah. 629 00:30:04,140 --> 00:30:06,060 We always hear of these Japanese funnels 630 00:30:06,060 --> 00:30:09,220 that are supposed to allow women... The Shewees. ..yeah, to stand up, 631 00:30:09,220 --> 00:30:11,860 but they haven't caught on. I just go for the side swipe. OK. 632 00:30:11,860 --> 00:30:13,340 LAUGHTER 633 00:30:13,340 --> 00:30:18,060 Am I going to be able to picture this? It's sort of a dance move... 634 00:30:18,060 --> 00:30:20,180 and a relief. Oh, yes. 635 00:30:20,180 --> 00:30:22,980 But I'm not going to demonstrate it now. 636 00:30:22,980 --> 00:30:24,700 This is a nice programme. 637 00:30:24,700 --> 00:30:27,220 But is not the male urinal, couldn't you not... 638 00:30:27,220 --> 00:30:31,020 I mean, is that usable as a lady? 639 00:30:31,020 --> 00:30:36,380 I can't see what is wrong with just going sort of like that. 640 00:30:36,380 --> 00:30:38,900 - A squat, like that. - Yeah. 641 00:30:38,900 --> 00:30:41,300 Or you could hold yourself up between two parked cars. 642 00:30:41,300 --> 00:30:43,260 LAUGHTER 643 00:30:43,260 --> 00:30:45,060 Yes. 644 00:30:45,060 --> 00:30:47,780 Not that I've ever done that! 645 00:30:47,780 --> 00:30:52,420 Weren't the girl guides taught to pee standing up, as a form of... 646 00:30:52,420 --> 00:30:53,820 Self-defence? 647 00:30:53,820 --> 00:30:57,060 LAUGHTER 648 00:30:57,060 --> 00:30:59,140 What changed then were intervals. 649 00:30:59,140 --> 00:31:02,060 Intervals came more or less in time to coincide with the desire 650 00:31:02,060 --> 00:31:03,620 of people to, you know... 651 00:31:03,620 --> 00:31:05,700 They had what they called the Broadway Bladder, 652 00:31:05,700 --> 00:31:07,820 which is supposedly 75 minutes, 653 00:31:07,820 --> 00:31:12,660 which is the maximum, averagely, that people can go without having a pee. 654 00:31:12,660 --> 00:31:15,580 And cinemas often had intermissions in our childhood. 655 00:31:15,580 --> 00:31:17,180 Do you remember any particular ones? 656 00:31:17,180 --> 00:31:19,420 - Zulu, I saw Zulu... - Zulu had an intermission. 657 00:31:19,420 --> 00:31:22,180 ..and it was very frightening and there were masses of Zulus 658 00:31:22,180 --> 00:31:24,860 - coming over the hill, and then they had a break... - Yeah. 659 00:31:24,860 --> 00:31:27,780 - ..and when we came back, wasn't quite so frightening after that. - No. 660 00:31:27,780 --> 00:31:29,420 Well, the one I remember best was 661 00:31:29,420 --> 00:31:32,540 where there's a car going along some green towards a cliff 662 00:31:32,540 --> 00:31:35,380 and then suddenly they're going, "Argh!" as they go over the cliff, 663 00:31:35,380 --> 00:31:38,100 just going straight down and then it just goes - Intermission. 664 00:31:38,100 --> 00:31:40,620 And my brother and I were absolutely, just terrified, 665 00:31:40,620 --> 00:31:43,460 and we had our choc-ices and our Kia Ora orange drink, 666 00:31:43,460 --> 00:31:46,980 and all these other things, and came back, and then it picked it up from 667 00:31:46,980 --> 00:31:49,700 there again, the car goes down and then suddenly it flies. 668 00:31:49,700 --> 00:31:53,300 ♪ Um Chitty, um Chitty, Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang, we love you. ♪ 669 00:31:53,300 --> 00:31:55,660 And it was just the most heroic moment in all cinema 670 00:31:55,660 --> 00:31:58,180 and we went back again and again and again. 671 00:31:58,180 --> 00:32:01,420 - Nothing will ever recapture that moment. - No? - So wonderful. 672 00:32:01,420 --> 00:32:03,220 I was happy then, you know. 673 00:32:03,220 --> 00:32:04,700 LAUGHTER 674 00:32:04,700 --> 00:32:07,060 And now this. This! 675 00:32:07,060 --> 00:32:10,900 - Aah, that's a lovely story. - Thank you, yes. - And quite interesting. 676 00:32:10,900 --> 00:32:12,340 Yeah, well, we hope. 677 00:32:12,340 --> 00:32:14,260 Other films, The Godfather, Sound of Music, 678 00:32:14,260 --> 00:32:16,460 they all had intermissions too. Really big movies. 679 00:32:16,460 --> 00:32:19,220 Hitchcock said, "The length of a film should be directly related 680 00:32:19,220 --> 00:32:21,340 "to the endurance of the human bladder." 681 00:32:21,340 --> 00:32:24,820 - About seven minutes with me, then. - Oh, dear. 682 00:32:24,820 --> 00:32:27,260 Now, who's the worst person to sit next at a silent movie? 683 00:32:27,260 --> 00:32:28,900 ALAN BURPS 684 00:32:28,900 --> 00:32:30,660 Alan Davies. 685 00:32:30,660 --> 00:32:33,220 I rather bolted my ice-cream. I'm very sorry. 686 00:32:33,220 --> 00:32:35,220 You did, didn't you? Disgusting! 687 00:32:35,220 --> 00:32:36,700 STEPHEN TUTS 688 00:32:36,700 --> 00:32:40,740 - Alan, have you? Did you? Could you? - No, I just, I slightly belched. 689 00:32:40,740 --> 00:32:43,900 - Would it be someone telling you the plot? - Someone talking? 690 00:32:43,900 --> 00:32:46,940 - Telling the plot, yes, kind of. That is very annoying. - Yes. 691 00:32:46,940 --> 00:32:49,860 How were plots laid out in silent movies? 692 00:32:49,860 --> 00:32:52,340 - Obviously there was no dialogue as such. - Cards? - Cards. 693 00:32:52,340 --> 00:32:55,300 - Cards were showed. - Cards would come, these captions, which would... 694 00:32:55,300 --> 00:32:58,260 - Oh, reading out the captions. - Reading out the captions. - Memoing. 695 00:32:58,260 --> 00:33:01,220 The number one annoyance in the days of silent movies, apparently. 696 00:33:01,220 --> 00:33:02,780 There were various others. 697 00:33:02,780 --> 00:33:05,300 They were very concerned about how people should behave 698 00:33:05,300 --> 00:33:06,940 so they put out these things. 699 00:33:06,940 --> 00:33:10,300 And the cinemas themselves had these cards at the beginning, telling 700 00:33:10,300 --> 00:33:14,260 people, as you can see - "Loud talking and whistling not allowed." 701 00:33:14,260 --> 00:33:16,340 "Please applaud with hands only." 702 00:33:16,340 --> 00:33:17,980 LAUGHTER 703 00:33:17,980 --> 00:33:21,060 I suppose it means don't cat-call and don't, you know, stamp your feet. 704 00:33:21,060 --> 00:33:23,580 Or slap your buttocks together or something. 705 00:33:23,580 --> 00:33:27,380 And "Madam, how would you like to sit behind the hat you are wearing?" 706 00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:29,580 - That's another issue. - Yes. 707 00:33:29,580 --> 00:33:32,020 So people would actually go, "Look out!" 708 00:33:32,020 --> 00:33:35,820 - and would all shout, "Look out!" - Yes, probably, exactly. Annoying. 709 00:33:35,820 --> 00:33:39,100 - Yeah. - But then watching films in America is great, though, 710 00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:41,860 in New York particularly, because the whole crowd get involved, 711 00:33:41,860 --> 00:33:43,580 and they all shout. 712 00:33:43,580 --> 00:33:46,580 I went to see Lord of the Rings in New York. 713 00:33:46,580 --> 00:33:49,980 Just the best experience, cos in the fight scenes, 714 00:33:49,980 --> 00:33:52,380 people are shouting out, "Kick that Orc's ass!" 715 00:33:52,380 --> 00:33:53,940 LAUGHTER 716 00:33:53,940 --> 00:33:56,460 - "Go get it! Damn!" - It's true, they do. 717 00:33:56,460 --> 00:33:58,420 - "Damn you, that Orc!" - It's fantastic. 718 00:33:58,420 --> 00:34:01,540 Well, there are certain other bits of cinema etiquette which 719 00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:03,300 now are very common, which is 720 00:34:03,300 --> 00:34:06,540 if you happen to know how a film turns out, you're not 721 00:34:06,540 --> 00:34:09,380 supposed to tell anybody on social media, or at least if you do... 722 00:34:09,380 --> 00:34:12,820 - No spoilers. - ..and you blog or review, you put in capital letters? 723 00:34:12,820 --> 00:34:14,580 - Spoiler alert. - Spoiler alert. 724 00:34:14,580 --> 00:34:17,140 And yet, there's a thing called the Spoiler Paradox. 725 00:34:17,140 --> 00:34:20,020 - Do you know about this? - It's more fun if you know what's happening? 726 00:34:20,020 --> 00:34:21,340 It's more fun if you know. 727 00:34:21,340 --> 00:34:23,300 If you actually know how a film turns out, 728 00:34:23,300 --> 00:34:26,380 you are more likely to enjoy it, quite appreciably. 729 00:34:26,380 --> 00:34:29,980 The films I like the most are the ones where you've no expectation, 730 00:34:29,980 --> 00:34:32,380 you haven't been tainted in advance in any way 731 00:34:32,380 --> 00:34:34,020 and then it all unfolds before you. 732 00:34:34,020 --> 00:34:38,660 - I think I prefer that. - I forget anyway. People tell me stuff. 733 00:34:38,660 --> 00:34:41,740 Anyway, make sure you mind your manners at the movies. 734 00:34:41,740 --> 00:34:46,180 Now, Christmas comes and goes, but one thing that's never 735 00:34:46,180 --> 00:34:49,460 out of season is General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please. 736 00:34:49,460 --> 00:34:55,340 It's a moonlit Christmas night in the city, and you can see just fine. 737 00:34:55,340 --> 00:34:57,500 But then the moon goes behind a cloud. 738 00:34:57,500 --> 00:34:59,300 What happens next? 739 00:34:59,300 --> 00:35:01,180 BILL'S BUZZER: 'Oh, no, it isn't!' 740 00:35:01,180 --> 00:35:03,020 You turn into a wolf. 741 00:35:03,020 --> 00:35:04,700 LAUGHTER 742 00:35:04,700 --> 00:35:07,780 - Wouldn't that be when the moon came out? Or maybe not. - Yes. 743 00:35:07,780 --> 00:35:09,700 Oh, yeah. 744 00:35:09,700 --> 00:35:12,020 That's right. That's why it's not working out for me. 745 00:35:12,020 --> 00:35:15,260 The moon goes behind a cloud. JOHNNY'S BUZZER: Oh, yes, it is! 746 00:35:15,260 --> 00:35:16,940 Does it actually become brighter? 747 00:35:16,940 --> 00:35:19,980 Yes. Very good. Spot on. 748 00:35:19,980 --> 00:35:22,860 APPLAUSE 749 00:35:22,860 --> 00:35:26,940 Extra extra points if you can tell me why? 750 00:35:26,940 --> 00:35:28,980 There's already light bouncing off the earth. 751 00:35:28,980 --> 00:35:30,820 Ah ah ah ah ah, yes. 752 00:35:30,820 --> 00:35:32,460 I mentioned we were in the city there. 753 00:35:32,460 --> 00:35:34,700 London is burning huge amounts of light. 754 00:35:34,700 --> 00:35:37,780 If the moon goes behind a cloud and the clouds are covering the sky, 755 00:35:37,780 --> 00:35:42,300 then the light bounces back from the clouds and it increases, 756 00:35:42,300 --> 00:35:44,660 it magnifies the light by a considerable amount. 757 00:35:44,660 --> 00:35:48,500 Whereas if it's a completely cloudless night, even with a bright 758 00:35:48,500 --> 00:35:52,940 big full moon, that's less light than you get in the reflection. 759 00:35:52,940 --> 00:35:55,420 And this has been found to be true even in the countryside. 760 00:35:55,420 --> 00:35:57,860 Ice-cream makes you intelligent! 761 00:35:57,860 --> 00:35:59,780 LAUGHTER 762 00:35:59,780 --> 00:36:03,940 The brightest area was in Schipliden in the Netherlands, 763 00:36:03,940 --> 00:36:08,100 where the sky was 10,000 times lighter than the darkest night sky. 764 00:36:08,100 --> 00:36:11,340 Tomatoes were grown there and the greenhouse lights were on. 765 00:36:11,340 --> 00:36:14,460 - Good lord. - Too incredible for words. 766 00:36:14,460 --> 00:36:16,580 Right, time for some Christmas music. 767 00:36:16,580 --> 00:36:21,620 What did the boys in the NYPD choir sing? 768 00:36:21,620 --> 00:36:23,420 BILL'S BUZZER: 'Oh, no, it isn't!' 769 00:36:23,420 --> 00:36:24,740 Galway Bay. 770 00:36:24,740 --> 00:36:26,140 KLAXON 771 00:36:26,140 --> 00:36:28,380 - D'oh! - Don't you know by now? 772 00:36:28,380 --> 00:36:30,900 Oh, I thought I'd take one for the team. 773 00:36:30,900 --> 00:36:32,700 Firstly they can't have done, 774 00:36:32,700 --> 00:36:35,500 because there is no NYPD choir at all. 775 00:36:35,500 --> 00:36:38,660 The NYPD people they brought in for the video were the pipe band 776 00:36:38,660 --> 00:36:41,260 in fact, of the New York Police Department. 777 00:36:41,260 --> 00:36:43,940 And we're talking about the Pogues' Shane MacGowan singing 778 00:36:43,940 --> 00:36:46,420 Fairytale of New York, the great Christmas single. 779 00:36:46,420 --> 00:36:49,220 - Yes, the greatest Christmas song. - Ever. - Brilliant, yeah. 780 00:36:49,220 --> 00:36:51,700 - It's a very thin competition now, isn't it, really? - Eh? 781 00:36:51,700 --> 00:36:53,140 It's pretty thin competition. 782 00:36:53,140 --> 00:36:55,260 Well, it's Mistletoe and Wine and that. 783 00:36:55,260 --> 00:36:57,140 LAUGHTER 784 00:36:57,140 --> 00:36:59,700 So the pipe band came in and they didn't know Galway Bay. 785 00:36:59,700 --> 00:37:01,900 - Right. - They were supposed to sing it. 786 00:37:01,900 --> 00:37:05,780 And so instead they sang the Mickey Mouse Club 787 00:37:05,780 --> 00:37:07,620 and it was slightly slowed down 788 00:37:07,620 --> 00:37:10,460 and it fitted to the words of Galway Bay, apparently, 789 00:37:10,460 --> 00:37:12,700 so you couldn't tell. 790 00:37:12,700 --> 00:37:16,420 But there are more points if you can tell me, Shane MacGowan's band, 791 00:37:16,420 --> 00:37:17,660 The Pogues, of course, 792 00:37:17,660 --> 00:37:21,060 why is it called The Pogues and what does that mean? Oh, I know this. 793 00:37:21,060 --> 00:37:24,100 Oh, we revised it. I knew it would come up! 794 00:37:24,100 --> 00:37:26,420 No, I DID once know this. 795 00:37:26,420 --> 00:37:29,860 Well, it's Pog mo thoin. That means "kiss my arse". 796 00:37:29,860 --> 00:37:33,620 That's it. That's it. Kiss my arse in Irish. Rather pleasing. 797 00:37:33,620 --> 00:37:36,940 I had one night out with him and my thumb has never been the same again. 798 00:37:36,940 --> 00:37:38,780 I can't bend it properly. 799 00:37:38,780 --> 00:37:42,580 I'm just picturing a night out with Johnny Vegas and Shane MacGowan. 800 00:37:42,580 --> 00:37:45,820 - That is something. - He was reading a book on architecture 801 00:37:45,820 --> 00:37:48,780 and I was just in a foul mood and we got drinking together. 802 00:37:48,780 --> 00:37:53,780 - Good times! - And I, yeah, I fell and I couldn't get up. 803 00:37:53,780 --> 00:37:57,260 I fell in a little gully and my head was trapped, 804 00:37:57,260 --> 00:37:59,700 so I just laid there for three hours going, "Help!" 805 00:37:59,700 --> 00:38:01,020 LAUGHTER 806 00:38:01,020 --> 00:38:03,180 And then I fell asleep after saying, 807 00:38:03,180 --> 00:38:06,980 "Some kind of neighbours you are," in my sleep. 808 00:38:06,980 --> 00:38:09,620 - Well, that's absolutely amazing. - Yeah. 809 00:38:09,620 --> 00:38:13,780 Now, on which bank holiday is it most likely to snow? 810 00:38:13,780 --> 00:38:15,820 Easter Monday. 811 00:38:15,820 --> 00:38:17,420 Is the right answer. 812 00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:18,740 No!!! 813 00:38:18,740 --> 00:38:20,180 APPLAUSE 814 00:38:20,180 --> 00:38:22,460 Yes! Come on! 815 00:38:22,460 --> 00:38:24,500 Very good. 816 00:38:24,500 --> 00:38:27,740 Bloody hell. I'm impressed. 817 00:38:27,740 --> 00:38:29,180 Absolutely. 818 00:38:29,180 --> 00:38:32,700 Statistically it is more likely to snow at an Easter bank holiday 819 00:38:32,700 --> 00:38:34,940 than it is over the Christmas, even though it moves. 820 00:38:34,940 --> 00:38:36,940 Well, the weather here is rubbish, isn't it? 821 00:38:36,940 --> 00:38:39,780 I was out with the old man on a hot June day 822 00:38:39,780 --> 00:38:43,180 and there were lots of people driving in their open-top cars 823 00:38:43,180 --> 00:38:45,380 down the King's Road, as they would. 824 00:38:45,380 --> 00:38:48,140 And the old man, who knows everything, said, 825 00:38:48,140 --> 00:38:50,660 "Do you know that there are only six days a year 826 00:38:50,660 --> 00:38:53,700 "where people with open-top sports cars could put their tops down." 827 00:38:53,700 --> 00:38:56,660 Wow. That made me feel better... And that was one of them? Yeah, yeah. 828 00:38:56,660 --> 00:38:59,300 There's so few good days in this country, 829 00:38:59,300 --> 00:39:02,220 and so that's why I thought it was quite likely to be on Easter Monday. 830 00:39:02,220 --> 00:39:05,820 That's true, cos we, as a nation, we, per capita, 831 00:39:05,820 --> 00:39:10,220 own more convertible cars than any other country in Europe. 832 00:39:10,220 --> 00:39:12,180 No, that's so hopeful! Durrr! 833 00:39:12,180 --> 00:39:15,340 - Optimistic. - Oh, bless us. Driving with an umbrella, yeah. 834 00:39:15,340 --> 00:39:21,340 Yeah, December averaged 3.9 days of snow and March had 4.2. 835 00:39:21,340 --> 00:39:24,940 You are more likely to see a white Easter than a white Christmas. 836 00:39:24,940 --> 00:39:28,380 Can you give me a line from the world's first panto? 837 00:39:29,660 --> 00:39:31,740 Go on, go on... 838 00:39:31,740 --> 00:39:33,100 He's behind you. 839 00:39:33,100 --> 00:39:35,060 KLAXON 840 00:39:35,060 --> 00:39:37,220 Yay! Oh, you MADE me do that! 841 00:39:37,220 --> 00:39:39,860 - Why did you do that? - It's your buzzer, isn't it? 842 00:39:39,860 --> 00:39:41,420 She did so well on Easter Monday 843 00:39:41,420 --> 00:39:44,340 and you've just sabotaged it out of spite! 844 00:39:44,340 --> 00:39:48,980 Anyway, no, first pantoMIME, what were pantomimes originally? 845 00:39:48,980 --> 00:39:52,140 - Oh, silent. - They WERE silent. - They were mime. 846 00:39:52,140 --> 00:39:53,980 Yeah, unlike mimes, oddly enough. 847 00:39:53,980 --> 00:39:57,740 The pantomime was a character in a Roman play, who represented 848 00:39:57,740 --> 00:40:00,860 all kinds of mythological things and he never spoke. 849 00:40:00,860 --> 00:40:02,460 - Wow. - Terrifying. 850 00:40:02,460 --> 00:40:04,860 You'd be hard pressed to shift tickets for that, though, 851 00:40:04,860 --> 00:40:06,380 wouldn't you? 852 00:40:06,380 --> 00:40:07,820 LAUGHTER 853 00:40:07,820 --> 00:40:11,500 My God, look at that. That's an Ood and Lady GaGa. 854 00:40:11,500 --> 00:40:15,100 Well, isn't it Zoidberg from Futurama? 855 00:40:15,100 --> 00:40:18,540 Nothing screams "festive" like a shin-kicking contest 856 00:40:18,540 --> 00:40:24,140 between two people for whom life has gone very wrong. 857 00:40:24,140 --> 00:40:27,980 The first pantomimes were silent and only had one person in the cast. 858 00:40:27,980 --> 00:40:30,180 So let's take a look at the scores. 859 00:40:30,180 --> 00:40:32,260 Oh, my actual actual. 860 00:40:32,260 --> 00:40:34,620 In fourth place, a brilliant first appearance, 861 00:40:34,620 --> 00:40:37,820 and actually an incredibly high score by any QI standards. 862 00:40:37,820 --> 00:40:40,660 On minus two it's Jenny Eclair! Did quite well. 863 00:40:40,660 --> 00:40:43,620 APPLAUSE 864 00:40:46,660 --> 00:40:49,420 In third place, with minus one, Bill Bailey! 865 00:40:49,420 --> 00:40:51,700 APPLAUSE 866 00:40:51,700 --> 00:40:54,500 I still don't understand why. 867 00:40:55,700 --> 00:40:58,340 When two giants meet at Christmas, who can it be? 868 00:40:58,340 --> 00:41:00,180 Who's the winner, who's the winner here? 869 00:41:00,180 --> 00:41:03,180 In second place, with eight points, it's... 870 00:41:03,180 --> 00:41:05,740 Johnny Vegas! 871 00:41:05,740 --> 00:41:08,780 APPLAUSE 872 00:41:08,780 --> 00:41:12,740 Oh, my stars, the winner on 11 is Alan Davies! 873 00:41:12,740 --> 00:41:14,940 APPLAUSE 874 00:41:14,940 --> 00:41:17,740 QI JINGLE PLAYS 875 00:41:19,100 --> 00:41:22,260 So, that's all from Jenny, Johnny, Bill and Alan, 876 00:41:22,260 --> 00:41:25,140 but before we go, I have one more trick up my sleeve. 877 00:41:25,140 --> 00:41:28,180 Right, let's see. 878 00:41:28,180 --> 00:41:32,100 Now, here's the box in which I keep my luggage. 879 00:41:32,100 --> 00:41:35,340 There we go, like so. 880 00:41:35,340 --> 00:41:37,500 Let's see. That's... 881 00:41:38,420 --> 00:41:43,740 Now, in my luggage I keep a very Christmassy item. 882 00:41:43,740 --> 00:41:47,380 It's what everyone should keep in their luggage, really. 883 00:41:47,380 --> 00:41:49,340 It's a big surprise. 884 00:41:49,340 --> 00:41:52,100 APPLAUSE 885 00:41:52,100 --> 00:41:55,220 - Do you need a hand? - Thank you. 886 00:41:55,220 --> 00:41:56,900 There you go. 887 00:41:56,900 --> 00:41:58,540 Splendid. 888 00:41:58,540 --> 00:42:01,380 - Oh, hello, Scott? - I have a surprise for you, Stephen. - Oh, no. 889 00:42:01,380 --> 00:42:05,180 My name is Scott Penrose. I am the President of the Magic Circle, 890 00:42:05,180 --> 00:42:07,180 and if you're a member of the Magic Circle, 891 00:42:07,180 --> 00:42:09,460 you have to have taken a test. 892 00:42:09,460 --> 00:42:12,100 And throughout this series of QI, you've been doing various 893 00:42:12,100 --> 00:42:15,900 - magical experiments, so it's with a great deal of pleasure... - No! 894 00:42:15,900 --> 00:42:18,260 ..to announce that Stephen Fry is now formally 895 00:42:18,260 --> 00:42:20,100 a member of The Magic Circle. 896 00:42:20,100 --> 00:42:22,940 Oh, my God! APPLAUSE 897 00:42:22,940 --> 00:42:25,060 MUSIC: Magic Moments by Perry Como 898 00:42:58,140 --> 00:43:00,260 Merry Christmas, everybody! 899 00:43:00,260 --> 00:43:03,740 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE