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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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♪
♪ (crowd cheering)
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COOPER: When you graduate from college,
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you feel prepared to take on the world.
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- Good luck.
- Not gonna need it.
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But the truth is, no
one has ever bothered
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to properly prepare anyone for
this next decade of your life.
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Until now.
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My name is Cooper Barrett.
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I'm 26 years old, I'm
being held hostage,
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and there are some things
I think you should know.
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- (siren wailing in distance)
- Is it me, or is it a little warm in here?
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(grunting)
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(chuckles): Okay.
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It's gonna take a lot
more than that to break me.
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(grunts)
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(pants)
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What do you guys want to know?
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_
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(clucking)
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Hey.
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Hey, don't worry, Mr. Chicken.
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We'll get out of this alive.
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This lesson starts the day
after my college graduation.
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- Barry!
- Come on.
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The thing is, dude, I've
been crunching some numbers,
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and based on my looks, salary
and personality deficiencies,
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there's an 87% chance my
wife will have a mustache.
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Well, she'll be the luckiest,
hairiest woman in the world.
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Every group of friends
has what I like to call
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a "Lovable Jackass."
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- ♪ I said I'm sorry ♪
- Oh!
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- This is mine.
- ♪ Can't afford a Ferrari ♪
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♪ But that don't mean
I can't get you there. ♪
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I love that song!
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Brand-new. It's the
dude from Gnarls Barkley.
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What happened to the towel?
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Hi, guys.
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- Hey.
- Hi. I'm Kelly.
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- Cooper.
- Hi.
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The guy learning to use a door is Neal.
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Hey. How's it going?
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Who's the, uh, wet, naked guy?
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Uh...
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Barry.
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- It's Barry.
- Right. Okay.
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- Okay.
- Well, welcome to the building.
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Thanks.
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You make the creepiest first impression.
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Have I ever told you that before?
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- (car horn honking)
- Wrap it up!
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(laughs): Josh!
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Happy housewarming, baby brother.
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Yeah!
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(laughter)
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What?!
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(rhythmic grunting)
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Who's humping me?
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That's Virgil... he
manages the building.
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- Ooh, ooh, ooh...
- Ah.
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Rent is due on the third.
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BARRY: Smart TV?
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Are you telling me I can watch 64-inch,
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- high-definition Internet pornography?
- Yeah, or Star Wars.
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Oh, my God!
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- Oh!
- Oh, God, so tight!
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- Your grasp is so tight!
- Thank you so much.
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- Thanks, Josh.
- Thanks, brother.
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No need to thank me, because
you are about to give me back
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the decade of my life that
I never got a chance to live.
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Let me paint you a picture.
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I started at my law firm at 22.
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I got married at 23 to a
woman... your sister-in-law...
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whom I love dearly.
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But she's a fun-sucker.
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She sucks fun.
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Well, hey, man, our home is your home.
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Fantastic. What do you say
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we get a little crazy tonight and...
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Have a housewarming party.
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I was gonna say a nice cheese plate
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and a Guitar Hero marathon,
but your idea does sound better.
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Yeah, housewarming party's a cool idea,
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but we should probably,
like, check the lease.
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- Okay, yeah, gentlemen, yeah.
- That's a good point.
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What kind of guys do we want to be
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for the next ten years
of our lives, huh?
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The kind of guys who check leases
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or the guys who throw parties
the guys checking leases
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can't attend 'cause they're
home checking leases?
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Can you repeat those choices?
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So let's start this decade off right
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by throwing a knockdown, blowout,
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"I can't feel the left side
of my face" housewarming party!
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- What do you say?
- (all shouting in agreement)
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♪ I see you driving round town... ♪
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And look how black the blacks are.
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Are you talking about
the picture quality
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or the, uh, black people?
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Okay, Jeff, that's racial.
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Don't touch it!
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- So you guys just moved in?
- Yep, you know,
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signed a check for
first, last and security.
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It's no big deal.
I got a full-time job, so...
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I'm just looking for someone to
spend the rest of my life with
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and take my virginity!
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(chuckles)
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Look no further.
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♪ You're my Aphrodite ♪
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♪ I know our love can be mighty ♪
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♪ Come on, baby, try me ♪
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♪ You might find
out you like me... ♪
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Be gentle, ah!
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Maybe later?
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VIRGIL: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
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This party is total sausage fest!
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- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, crap.
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The woman... you, you, the blonde!
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Not you, the blonde in hot top.
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Yeah, come on.
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COOPER: Nice to see you again.
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You're in a dryer.
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I'm hiding from my boyfriend.
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Things were going
great with us at first.
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And now, every time he speaks,
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I just want to bunch up
his face with my hands.
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I'm gonna force him to break up with me
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by doing a lot of little
things that really bother him,
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like saying the word "tampon" a lot.
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"Tampon, yeast infection"... either one.
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You're a little complicated.
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It's okay. I'm complicated, too.
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I mean, I just graduated,
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and I have no idea what
I want to do with my life.
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Right, because you're
not ready to be a man.
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Did my dad put you up to this?
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I'm saying, guys like you,
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who are still figuring
things out are exhausting.
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Okay? You're the reason why
I only date men in their 30s.
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Oh, that's interesting.
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'Cause, um, I think you date
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men in their 30s 'cause
you're one of those
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college athlete girls who
likes to win at everything.
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So you date dudes that
look good on paper,
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but you wind up hiding in a dryer
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'cause you're bored to death by him.
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Okay, now I want to bunch up your face.
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I thought we were just
saying stuff about each other.
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- There you are.
- (screams)
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Tampon.
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Watch this, watch this.
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You just pull the bird back, right?
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And then you let it go,
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- and you shoot the pig out of the sky.
- Wow, thanks, Grandpa.
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Least favorite person.
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You're my least favorite
person in this whole party.
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- (phone ringing)
- Oh.
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Uh, hi, yeah.
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Uh, h-hey.
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Hey, babe.
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I thought you were just
going over to say hi.
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I was, I was, but the, uh...
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the guys made me stay
and help them unpack.
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Well, hurry home, and don't forget
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we're gonna have a baby!
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How could I forget?
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(mute button beeps)
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'Cause you won't let me.
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(mute button beeps)
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It's the most important
thing in my life.
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- Oh, I love you.
- Love you, love you.
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You know, I was just thinking about...
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- (dial tone droning)
- Hello?
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Hello?
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♪ ♪
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BARRY (whispering): They
about to steal the TV.
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Oh, hell no!
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Not happening, fellas! Not...
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COOPER: Let's stop here,
because this is important.
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Mmm, this is delicious.
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Thank you so much.
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Nobody put Barry in charge of the TV.
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That's just something
he made up in his head.
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But who cares, right?
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What's the harm?
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I'm tied to a chair.
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...happening! They taking the TV!
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There are, like, 500
people at this party.
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How the hell are they gonna take the TV?
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Are you kidding me?
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That dude in "Despicable
Me" stole the whole moon.
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Anybody have the energy to field that?
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Bro, you need to relax, okay?
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Calm down. You're at a party, right?
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Yeah, damn right we're here to party.
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You guys really want to party?
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(chuckling)
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♪ Are you ready for this? ♪
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♪ You ready for this?
You ready for this? ♪
200
00:06:42,037 --> 00:06:43,471
♪ Are you ready for this? ♪
201
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♪ You ready for this? ♪
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♪ Yeah, yo, the guys look
fresh and the ladies on ♪
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♪ Now let me tell the
DJ to play that song ♪
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♪ Let's have a good time
where it can't go wrong ♪
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- (all cheering)
- ♪ We gon' do this here, like, all night long ♪
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♪ Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this? ♪
207
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(grunting)
208
00:06:59,455 --> 00:07:01,723
(phone ringing)
209
00:07:09,865 --> 00:07:11,867
That's my phone. That's my phone.
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Where is it?
211
00:07:16,238 --> 00:07:17,772
There we go.
212
00:07:17,773 --> 00:07:19,407
Hello?
213
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There she is.
214
00:07:20,676 --> 00:07:22,210
Hey, babe.
215
00:07:22,211 --> 00:07:23,511
Uh, no, no, no.
216
00:07:23,512 --> 00:07:24,812
Almost finished.
217
00:07:24,813 --> 00:07:26,136
Almost finished, yeah.
218
00:07:26,137 --> 00:07:29,717
No, it's amazing how much stuff
a college kid has these days.
219
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Hey, can anybody else not see?
220
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Whose is this?
221
00:07:32,788 --> 00:07:33,776
(pig oinking)
222
00:07:33,777 --> 00:07:36,858
Uh, no, we just have a
couple more boxes, and then...
223
00:07:36,859 --> 00:07:38,716
everything will be as...
224
00:07:39,316 --> 00:07:40,561
- (screams)
- as it's supposed to be.
225
00:07:40,562 --> 00:07:43,431
BARRY: They stole our TV!
226
00:07:43,432 --> 00:07:45,166
I think I'm gonna have to call you back.
227
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:46,635
(gasping)
228
00:07:53,442 --> 00:07:54,809
(slurps)
229
00:07:54,810 --> 00:07:56,701
Those damn UFC guys.
230
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- I told you!
- Can I get some help here?
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00:07:59,648 --> 00:08:01,428
Hmm? Who are you?
232
00:08:02,551 --> 00:08:04,183
I'm Neal's girlfriend.
233
00:08:04,754 --> 00:08:07,349
Barry, this hangover remedy is amazing.
234
00:08:07,389 --> 00:08:09,362
BARRY: My grandma throws down, okay?
235
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:11,957
I know her hangover remedy
is amazing, all right?
236
00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:13,359
Mmm, she's a genius.
237
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This thing is not only delicious,
238
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but I'm almost getting
my sight back here.
239
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Now, everybody listen up, okay?
240
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'Cause I'm only gonna say this once.
241
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I'm not gonna rest
until I find those guys,
242
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,804
and I put that TV back on the wall!
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00:08:25,197 --> 00:08:26,664
COOPER: Now, I know
what you're thinking.
244
00:08:26,665 --> 00:08:29,266
Barry can't mean that, can he?
245
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I mean, eventually he's gonna
stop caring about the TV.
246
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:35,080
Two years later...
247
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Oh, that girl loved her some books.
248
00:08:45,517 --> 00:08:47,818
The UFC guys.
249
00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:51,819
Oh, it is on like Michelle Kwan.
250
00:08:52,457 --> 00:08:53,824
(slurps)
251
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:56,493
The point is, Craig, I'm the captain
252
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,195
of our Tiger Thrust Energy Drink Team,
253
00:08:58,196 --> 00:09:00,497
and I want you guys out
there promoting the brand.
254
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:03,367
You know, youth, power,
a sense of adventure.
255
00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:06,170
I need you to stop
calling people "ass-face."
256
00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:07,338
Yes, sir.
257
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,339
Don't call me, sir, man.
258
00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:09,541
I'm younger than you.
259
00:09:11,710 --> 00:09:13,811
Tiger Thrust. Enjoy it.
260
00:09:13,812 --> 00:09:16,814
I'm not nearly as embarrassed
for you as I thought I'd be.
261
00:09:16,815 --> 00:09:18,582
(laughs) You're actually good at this.
262
00:09:18,583 --> 00:09:20,851
I know, right? I just wish the product
263
00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:22,586
had a better name than Tiger Thrust.
264
00:09:22,587 --> 00:09:24,488
And, you know, it tasted better.
265
00:09:24,489 --> 00:09:26,757
And didn't contain the
chemical found in glow sticks.
266
00:09:26,758 --> 00:09:27,798
- Wait, seriously?
- Yeah.
267
00:09:27,799 --> 00:09:29,009
Ah, okay, no.
268
00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:32,150
Uh, but at least this
gig's just temporary, right?
269
00:09:32,464 --> 00:09:35,340
Oh, uh-oh, okay.
Uh, I had sex with this girl.
270
00:09:35,341 --> 00:09:36,874
Can't remember her name.
Think it starts with a C.
271
00:09:36,875 --> 00:09:37,807
Cooper!
272
00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:39,423
Cavala...
273
00:09:39,447 --> 00:09:40,604
- What's going on, girl?
- ***
274
00:09:40,605 --> 00:09:43,935
- (laughs) What did you call me?
- I know, right? How are you doing?
275
00:09:44,309 --> 00:09:45,644
- Great!
- Great.
276
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:47,354
- Great.
- Great.
277
00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:49,214
Great. Great.
278
00:09:49,614 --> 00:09:50,781
- Great.
- Great.
279
00:09:50,782 --> 00:09:52,216
Hi, I'm Kelly.
280
00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:53,851
- Kristen.
- COOPER: Oh, did I not...?
281
00:09:53,852 --> 00:09:55,554
Kristen, Kristen, Kelly. Kelly, Kristen.
282
00:09:55,754 --> 00:09:58,222
Ah... (chuckles) Are you two together?
283
00:09:58,223 --> 00:09:59,757
- Neighbors.
- God no, no.
284
00:09:59,758 --> 00:10:01,392
(chuckles)
285
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:02,493
Well, call me.
286
00:10:02,494 --> 00:10:03,827
(chuckles) Yeah, you got it.
287
00:10:03,828 --> 00:10:05,194
- Okay.
- Okay.
288
00:10:05,864 --> 00:10:06,864
It was good to see you, Krista.
289
00:10:06,865 --> 00:10:08,532
- Kristen.
- Kristen!
290
00:10:08,533 --> 00:10:10,000
Okay, it's official.
You're my best friend
291
00:10:10,001 --> 00:10:11,125
in the whole wide world.
292
00:10:11,126 --> 00:10:13,237
- Remind me to never have sex with you.
- (phone ringing)
293
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,032
Oh, yeah, never have sex with me.
294
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,074
You know, unless you feel it's something
295
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,415
you absolutely have to do.
296
00:10:20,511 --> 00:10:21,679
Hello?
297
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:22,780
I found it.
298
00:10:22,781 --> 00:10:23,915
Found what?
299
00:10:24,015 --> 00:10:25,050
Hold, please.
300
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:26,950
- (pig snorting)
- Thanks, babe.
301
00:10:26,951 --> 00:10:28,219
That feels so good.
302
00:10:28,243 --> 00:10:29,725
(phone ringing)
303
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:31,586
Hello?
304
00:10:31,989 --> 00:10:33,258
(phone buzzing)
305
00:10:34,292 --> 00:10:35,492
Talk to me.
306
00:10:35,493 --> 00:10:37,461
Yo, I found the flat-screen.
307
00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:38,662
- No.
- Yes.
308
00:10:38,663 --> 00:10:40,464
- How?
- (Josh laughs)
309
00:10:40,465 --> 00:10:42,466
It's fantastic! Uh-huh.
310
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:46,403
I'm at 2280 South Arapahoe,
and I'm looking right at it.
311
00:10:46,404 --> 00:10:47,671
JOSH: Barry, no.
312
00:10:47,672 --> 00:10:49,288
Okay, Barry... Barry,
313
00:10:49,289 --> 00:10:51,775
don't do anything until we get there.
314
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:54,155
Do not even dream
about going without me.
315
00:10:54,747 --> 00:10:58,964
Because I'll be in bed
dreaming next to my lovely wife.
316
00:10:58,965 --> 00:11:00,051
(TV playing quietly)
317
00:11:02,487 --> 00:11:03,787
- NEAL: Barry?
- BARRY: They're leaving.
318
00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:04,689
- Barry.
- I'm going in.
319
00:11:04,690 --> 00:11:05,722
No. Bar-Barry.
320
00:11:05,723 --> 00:11:06,458
(phone beeps)
321
00:11:06,459 --> 00:11:07,524
(hangs up)
322
00:11:07,525 --> 00:11:08,692
Oh, God.
323
00:11:08,693 --> 00:11:10,228
(phone beeps)
324
00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:13,597
Hey!
325
00:11:13,598 --> 00:11:14,635
Good night, sweetie.
326
00:11:15,834 --> 00:11:18,268
COOPER: What Barry's
doing here is called
327
00:11:18,269 --> 00:11:20,170
"breaking and entering."
328
00:11:20,171 --> 00:11:22,306
This is not sneaking into
your friend's dorm room
329
00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:24,108
or a high school science lab.
330
00:11:24,109 --> 00:11:26,109
This is a felony.
331
00:11:26,110 --> 00:11:29,147
Oh. Little baby Batboy.
332
00:11:31,783 --> 00:11:34,619
There is so much good in this world.
333
00:11:41,926 --> 00:11:44,362
(whispers): Damn, this is a big-ass TV.
334
00:11:46,197 --> 00:11:48,198
(toilet flushes)
335
00:11:48,199 --> 00:11:49,933
(gasping)
336
00:11:49,934 --> 00:11:52,237
(door opens)
337
00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:03,782
Shh.
338
00:12:06,718 --> 00:12:08,452
(whispers): Where are you?
339
00:12:08,453 --> 00:12:10,154
(men laughing)
340
00:12:10,155 --> 00:12:12,524
- What is he doing?
- Barry?
341
00:12:16,227 --> 00:12:18,662
(door creaks)
342
00:12:18,663 --> 00:12:21,499
(baby crying over monitor)
343
00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,441
- (man snoring)
- COOPER: Once they fell asleep,
344
00:12:30,442 --> 00:12:33,544
a normal person would
make a break for it.
345
00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:34,711
(snoring continues)
346
00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,848
Not your Loveable Jackass.
347
00:12:38,483 --> 00:12:40,283
- (whispering): No. No, not a chance.
- That's a very bad idea.
348
00:12:40,284 --> 00:12:41,485
- Please don't do that.
- No!
349
00:12:41,486 --> 00:12:44,455
- Barry, no. Barry? Barry?
- Stop!
350
00:12:44,456 --> 00:12:45,622
- Barry?
- Don't!
351
00:12:45,623 --> 00:12:47,481
- Very bad idea.
- Barry, no.
352
00:12:47,505 --> 00:12:48,859
No, Barry.
353
00:12:48,860 --> 00:12:50,894
- No. Barry.
- No... Barry!
354
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:52,363
- Stop it!
- No!
355
00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,571
- Shh.
- Wait, wait, wait. Grab the remote.
356
00:12:57,071 --> 00:12:58,302
We'll get another one!
357
00:12:58,303 --> 00:13:00,470
Oh, Mr. Moneybags. Who
are you, Jimmy Buffet?
358
00:13:00,505 --> 00:13:02,488
- You mean Warren Buffet.
- No, Jimmy.
359
00:13:02,489 --> 00:13:04,241
This dude's got platinum albums,
360
00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:06,349
two restaurant chains,
a tequila company.
361
00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:07,640
Look, I'll get the remote!
362
00:13:12,717 --> 00:13:15,520
(floorboards creaking)
363
00:13:17,522 --> 00:13:19,724
(snoring continues)
364
00:13:20,624 --> 00:13:22,151
Is this the one for the TV or...?
365
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:23,920
They're awake!
366
00:13:25,330 --> 00:13:26,730
Go! Let's go!
367
00:13:26,731 --> 00:13:29,433
Why the hell you bring
this small-ass ride?!
368
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:30,335
Go, go, go, go!
369
00:13:30,336 --> 00:13:32,941
- I'm not in the car!
- Go, go, go, go!
370
00:13:35,540 --> 00:13:36,540
(panting)
371
00:13:39,911 --> 00:13:42,714
(tires screeching)
372
00:13:44,349 --> 00:13:46,184
(engine revving)
373
00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:50,720
Get in.
374
00:13:51,422 --> 00:13:52,689
Hi, Gracie.
375
00:13:52,690 --> 00:13:54,526
(grunting)
376
00:13:58,329 --> 00:14:00,765
- COOPER: Mission accomplished, right?
- (man yells)
377
00:14:01,165 --> 00:14:02,299
Wrong.
378
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:04,168
This is not the television I bought you.
379
00:14:04,668 --> 00:14:06,137
You can put it down, sweetie.
380
00:14:06,161 --> 00:14:09,719
_
381
00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:14,270
I'm gonna make us a shake.
382
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:19,716
Your girlfriend scares us, Neal.
383
00:14:19,717 --> 00:14:20,914
I know.
384
00:14:21,352 --> 00:14:22,819
I don't care how much she benches,
385
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,788
I'm definitely breaking
up with her tonight.
386
00:14:24,789 --> 00:14:25,923
JOSH: Hey, guys.
387
00:14:25,924 --> 00:14:27,451
Can we focus up here, please?
388
00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:30,794
You stole a television
from those scary UFC guys.
389
00:14:30,795 --> 00:14:31,795
Wrong!
390
00:14:31,796 --> 00:14:33,074
How can he be wrong, Barry?
391
00:14:33,075 --> 00:14:34,256
It's not even the same brand!
392
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:35,926
Oh, okay. So you're telling me
393
00:14:35,927 --> 00:14:39,256
that those guys didn't steal
a TV and swap out the labels,
394
00:14:39,257 --> 00:14:41,242
knowing that if I found
the TV and brought it back,
395
00:14:41,243 --> 00:14:43,240
we wouldn't be having
this exact conversation?
396
00:14:43,608 --> 00:14:45,208
Come on, y'all, think!
397
00:14:45,209 --> 00:14:46,810
We got to be like the TV.
398
00:14:46,811 --> 00:14:48,112
We got to be smart!
399
00:14:48,113 --> 00:14:50,382
COOPER: Classic Lovable Jackass.
400
00:14:50,582 --> 00:14:52,684
(crowd cheering)
401
00:14:54,819 --> 00:14:57,021
(cheering continues)
402
00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,033
Here's to you being unsuccessful
in personal relationships.
403
00:15:00,034 --> 00:15:02,192
You're just glad I broke up with
my boyfriend, because it means
404
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:03,682
you get to go to the
Clippers games with me.
405
00:15:03,706 --> 00:15:04,361
You know what?
406
00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:05,597
Telling him you're going
to Brussels for a month
407
00:15:05,598 --> 00:15:08,166
to study tennis elbow is
not technically breaking up.
408
00:15:08,266 --> 00:15:10,867
Wow. Okay, this from a man who
was supposed to leave his job
409
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,303
at Tiger Throb, like,
a year and a half ago.
410
00:15:13,304 --> 00:15:16,239
It's Tiger Thrust,
and I'll have you know,
411
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:17,943
I may be starting my own business.
412
00:15:18,443 --> 00:15:19,344
What?
413
00:15:19,345 --> 00:15:21,385
Josh found some investors
for Barry's hangover cure.
414
00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:23,213
Cooper, that's great!
415
00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:24,915
No, no, no, 'cause I
probably won't do it.
416
00:15:24,916 --> 00:15:26,850
Most start-ups fail, and...
417
00:15:26,851 --> 00:15:28,585
(crowd cheering)
418
00:15:28,586 --> 00:15:31,455
- Yeah!
- Look, I know we don't say
419
00:15:31,456 --> 00:15:34,254
a lot of nice things to
each other, but here goes.
420
00:15:34,554 --> 00:15:37,462
You have more potential
than anyone I've ever met.
421
00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:39,296
What have you done with my friend?
422
00:15:39,297 --> 00:15:40,484
You're being an idiot.
423
00:15:40,485 --> 00:15:42,160
- There she is.
- This is an amazing opportunity.
424
00:15:42,184 --> 00:15:43,654
Don't be afraid to take it.
425
00:15:43,768 --> 00:15:45,636
I like you when you're sincere.
426
00:15:45,637 --> 00:15:48,872
Oh, good. Because I just
died a little inside.
427
00:15:48,873 --> 00:15:50,507
- (chuckles)
- (arena horn blows)
428
00:15:50,508 --> 00:15:51,742
Let's go, Clippers!
429
00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:53,443
(cheering)
430
00:15:53,444 --> 00:15:55,245
♪ Brand-new spirit,
speak and it's done ♪
431
00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:57,169
♪ Woke up on the side
of the bed like I won ♪
432
00:15:57,170 --> 00:15:58,963
♪ Talk like a winner,
my chest to that sun ♪
433
00:15:58,964 --> 00:16:00,911
♪ G5 dealer, U.S. to Taiwan ♪
434
00:16:00,912 --> 00:16:02,933
♪ Now who can say that,
I want a playback ♪
435
00:16:02,934 --> 00:16:04,769
♪ Mama knew I was a
needle in a haystack ♪
436
00:16:04,770 --> 00:16:06,764
- ♪ A Bugatti boy, plus Maybach ♪
- (both laughing)
437
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:08,558
♪ I got a feeling
it's a wrap, ASAP ♪
438
00:16:08,559 --> 00:16:11,556
♪ Oh, sometimes ♪
439
00:16:11,557 --> 00:16:13,375
♪ I get a good feeling... ♪
440
00:16:13,376 --> 00:16:15,198
CROWD (chanting): Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
441
00:16:15,199 --> 00:16:16,433
(chanting continues)
442
00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:17,934
♪ I get a feeling
that I've never... ♪
443
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:20,303
No. No.
444
00:16:20,304 --> 00:16:22,773
♪ No, no, I get a
good feeling, yeah... ♪
445
00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:23,575
(crowd cheering)
446
00:16:23,576 --> 00:16:26,343
♪ Oh, sometimes ♪
447
00:16:26,344 --> 00:16:28,480
♪ I get a good feeling, yeah... ♪
448
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,681
COOPER: And if you unexpectedly share
449
00:16:30,682 --> 00:16:32,616
a great kiss with a close friend,
450
00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:34,420
try not to say this:
451
00:16:34,485 --> 00:16:35,719
I got to take a leak.
452
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,756
♪ I get a good feeling... ♪
453
00:16:37,856 --> 00:16:39,257
I know, I know.
454
00:16:39,557 --> 00:16:41,726
Not my finest moment.
455
00:16:42,726 --> 00:16:45,395
I just... wanted to take a second
456
00:16:45,396 --> 00:16:47,246
to pull myself together.
457
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:54,590
Would you mind washing your
hands before you punch me?
458
00:16:55,273 --> 00:16:56,273
(grunts)
459
00:16:56,274 --> 00:16:57,375
(phone ringing)
460
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:58,948
And now we're all caught up.
461
00:16:59,348 --> 00:17:00,444
Hola.
462
00:17:00,445 --> 00:17:02,512
What happens next? I...
463
00:17:02,513 --> 00:17:05,416
Your guess is as good as mine.
464
00:17:08,286 --> 00:17:10,288
(tires screeching)
465
00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:22,300
Whoa. Those dudes looked
a lot smaller in the dark.
466
00:17:26,304 --> 00:17:28,572
(grunting)
467
00:17:28,573 --> 00:17:32,176
- COOPER: Suckers!
- That's a bad idea.
468
00:17:33,911 --> 00:17:35,479
JOSH: Gentlemen...
469
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,749
this is a brand-new, top-of-the-line,
470
00:17:38,750 --> 00:17:41,351
1080p, 4K, HD,
471
00:17:41,352 --> 00:17:43,620
64-inch plasma television.
472
00:17:43,621 --> 00:17:47,357
It's 3D ready, has a
600-hertz refresh rate,
473
00:17:47,358 --> 00:17:48,725
gesture controls
474
00:17:48,726 --> 00:17:52,362
and a built-in camera
so you can interact
475
00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:54,886
with streaming content on the Web.
476
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:57,768
3D?
477
00:17:57,769 --> 00:17:59,369
Yeah, I already said it was 3D.
478
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,704
That was, like, the first thing I said.
479
00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:02,539
Sorry, you say too many things.
480
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:04,542
Now...
481
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,278
...can I get my brother back?
482
00:18:08,279 --> 00:18:10,881
♪ ♪
483
00:18:10,882 --> 00:18:12,416
(sighs)
484
00:18:13,651 --> 00:18:14,661
(laughs) Okay.
485
00:18:14,662 --> 00:18:17,611
Well, if nobody else is
gonna say anything, I will.
486
00:18:17,612 --> 00:18:19,899
Take a look around
at what happened here.
487
00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:22,192
Maybe in the future,
you could think to act
488
00:18:22,193 --> 00:18:23,293
a little more responsibly
489
00:18:23,294 --> 00:18:25,696
so your friends won't
have to clean up your mess.
490
00:18:26,196 --> 00:18:29,543
COOPER: And when your Jackass
finally takes things too far,
491
00:18:29,634 --> 00:18:32,470
your response has to
be handled just right.
492
00:18:32,670 --> 00:18:33,714
Jackass!
493
00:18:33,715 --> 00:18:35,572
(grunting)
494
00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:36,495
Hey, hey!
495
00:18:36,496 --> 00:18:38,674
We wound up in this
mess, I was kidnapped,
496
00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:40,728
because you put yourself
in charge of something
497
00:18:40,729 --> 00:18:43,080
a grown person should not
put themselves in charge of!
498
00:18:43,114 --> 00:18:44,615
It was a TV!
499
00:18:44,715 --> 00:18:47,184
Now, now, fellas, don't
make me come back there.
500
00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:47,919
(grunts)
501
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,253
- (horn blaring)
- No! No, no! No!
502
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,256
(all screaming)
503
00:18:54,459 --> 00:18:56,393
- COOPER: Josh!
- Wake up! Hey!
504
00:18:56,394 --> 00:18:57,894
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Wake up! Please!
505
00:18:57,895 --> 00:19:00,597
(shouting, screaming)
506
00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:03,466
(tires screech)
507
00:19:03,467 --> 00:19:05,235
(panting)
508
00:19:05,236 --> 00:19:06,604
The hell is wrong with you?
509
00:19:06,804 --> 00:19:08,449
Ah...
510
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,676
I loved that TV.
511
00:19:12,677 --> 00:19:14,444
It was a 64-inch flat-screen, Barry!
512
00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:15,645
We all loved it!
513
00:19:15,646 --> 00:19:17,514
No, you don't understand, man.
514
00:19:17,515 --> 00:19:19,029
The second Josh brought that in here,
515
00:19:19,030 --> 00:19:21,197
all I seen was the four of
us spending time together.
516
00:19:21,552 --> 00:19:24,823
That TV was a giant
future memory box to me.
517
00:19:25,223 --> 00:19:27,157
Somebody tried to
take that away from us,
518
00:19:27,158 --> 00:19:29,292
and I wasn't okay with
that 'cause I love you guys.
519
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,194
I love how we live together,
520
00:19:31,195 --> 00:19:32,341
how we help each other out,
521
00:19:32,342 --> 00:19:33,974
and I wanted those memories, because...
522
00:19:34,732 --> 00:19:36,833
(sighs)
523
00:19:36,834 --> 00:19:38,947
...I know it ain't
always gonna be like this.
524
00:19:41,439 --> 00:19:44,805
If I hurt you guys, I'm really sorry.
525
00:19:44,942 --> 00:19:47,424
I'm really, really sorry.
526
00:19:51,549 --> 00:19:54,417
It's okay, Barry,
just... don't do it again.
527
00:19:54,418 --> 00:19:57,080
BARRY: Never. I mean,
unless you guys want me to.
528
00:19:57,081 --> 00:19:58,179
COOPER: We'll never want you to.
529
00:19:58,189 --> 00:19:58,944
BARRY: You can call me,
530
00:19:58,968 --> 00:20:00,525
- "Barry, we need some help."
- COOPER: Barry. Barry. Barry...
531
00:20:00,526 --> 00:20:01,893
BARRY: I'm like the Ghostbusters.
532
00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:04,587
JOSH: Okay.
533
00:20:04,795 --> 00:20:05,796
Thanks, dude.
534
00:20:06,296 --> 00:20:07,330
All right.
535
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:09,733
COOPER: Okay, so what have we learned?
536
00:20:09,734 --> 00:20:11,635
Never leave your Jackass unattended,
537
00:20:11,636 --> 00:20:13,637
pay attention to the warning signs,
538
00:20:13,638 --> 00:20:14,978
and never take off running
539
00:20:14,979 --> 00:20:16,747
while you still have
a hood over your head.
540
00:20:17,575 --> 00:20:19,048
You need to figure out your business.
541
00:20:19,049 --> 00:20:20,720
Those investors aren't
gonna wait forever.
542
00:20:20,721 --> 00:20:21,724
I will.
543
00:20:21,746 --> 00:20:24,247
Oh, you and your friends are exhausting.
544
00:20:24,248 --> 00:20:26,816
I'm gonna go home to my wife and kids.
545
00:20:26,817 --> 00:20:29,152
- Unless you want to get into something.
- I don't think so.
546
00:20:29,153 --> 00:20:30,153
All right. Okay.
547
00:20:30,154 --> 00:20:31,355
Love you, brother.
548
00:20:34,492 --> 00:20:36,393
One last thing:
549
00:20:36,394 --> 00:20:39,579
don't be afraid to take chances
at this time in your life.
550
00:20:43,501 --> 00:20:45,007
I got kidnapped.
551
00:20:47,405 --> 00:20:49,741
That went a lot better
than I thought it would.
552
00:20:50,241 --> 00:20:51,541
(door opens)
553
00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:53,080
It wasn't working out with Neal.
554
00:20:53,081 --> 00:20:55,085
♪ Believe me, been
there, done that ♪
555
00:20:55,086 --> 00:20:57,259
♪ But every day above
ground is a great day... ♪
556
00:20:57,481 --> 00:20:58,882
Hey, it's Cooper.
557
00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,951
Yeah, I won't be coming
in to work tomorrow.
558
00:21:00,952 --> 00:21:02,893
Or ever.
559
00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:04,355
An opportunity's come up.
560
00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:05,698
♪ She's gone ♪
561
00:21:06,524 --> 00:21:08,692
- (pig snorting)
- ♪ Yeah, she's gone ♪
562
00:21:08,693 --> 00:21:10,490
♪ She's gone, baby, she's gone ♪
563
00:21:10,594 --> 00:21:11,829
♪ She's gone. ♪
564
00:21:12,429 --> 00:21:14,525
BARRY: You ever wonder who took our TV?
565
00:21:16,267 --> 00:21:18,269
(roaring, gunfire)
566
00:21:19,303 --> 00:21:21,305
(laughing)
567
00:21:21,505 --> 00:21:23,241
Jackasses.
568
00:21:24,265 --> 00:21:29,265
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www.addic7ed.com