1 00:00:02,250 --> 00:00:04,248 I'm the head of the BBC. 2 00:00:04,250 --> 00:00:08,304 I'm here to apologise about the product placement in tonight's show. 3 00:00:08,306 --> 00:00:12,324 At the BBC, we're not allowed to give any products undue prominence, 4 00:00:12,326 --> 00:00:18,284 so if a brand is featured, we have a duty to also mention its competitors. 5 00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:22,260 I know some of you may think we live in a PC world. 6 00:00:22,262 --> 00:00:24,276 Dixons. Currys Digital. 7 00:00:24,278 --> 00:00:27,272 But we really must clamp down on the mention of all brands, 8 00:00:27,274 --> 00:00:29,252 however innocent. 9 00:00:29,254 --> 00:00:31,256 Tropicana. Fruit Shoots. 10 00:00:31,258 --> 00:00:33,328 This needs to be done in a flash. 11 00:00:33,330 --> 00:00:36,264 Cif. Cillit Bang. 12 00:00:36,266 --> 00:00:39,284 To get this wrong is something we just cannot afford. 13 00:00:39,286 --> 00:00:42,256 A Toyota. A Vauxhall. 14 00:00:42,258 --> 00:00:43,344 We are sure - 15 00:00:43,346 --> 00:00:46,308 Lynx, Right Guard - if we stick to these rules, 16 00:00:46,310 --> 00:00:49,252 we'll come up smelling of roses. 17 00:00:49,254 --> 00:00:52,252 Celebrations. Quality Street. 18 00:00:52,254 --> 00:00:54,336 A public broadcaster of our pedigree - 19 00:00:54,338 --> 00:00:58,288 lams, Winalot Prime - cannot foster - 20 00:00:58,290 --> 00:01:02,248 Carling, Special Brew - this kind of attitude. 21 00:01:02,250 --> 00:01:04,328 Gay Times. Boyz magazine. 22 00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:05,340 Thank you for listening, 23 00:01:05,342 --> 00:01:09,344 and we at the BBC promise to abide by these rules always. 24 00:01:09,346 --> 00:01:12,328 Tampax. Lil-lets. 25 00:01:12,330 --> 00:01:16,250 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 26 00:01:32,298 --> 00:01:34,296 APPLAUSE 27 00:01:34,298 --> 00:01:37,342 DRAMATIC GAME SHOW THEME MUSIC 28 00:01:39,310 --> 00:01:42,304 Welcome to Brain Power, the show that... 29 00:01:42,306 --> 00:01:45,272 BUZZER Puts your general knowledge to the test. 30 00:01:45,274 --> 00:01:48,252 LAUGHTER 31 00:01:48,254 --> 00:01:50,264 Don't buzz in yet. 32 00:01:50,266 --> 00:01:51,316 Understood. 33 00:01:51,318 --> 00:01:54,324 The show that puts your general knowledge to the test. 34 00:01:54,326 --> 00:01:57,344 Let's meet the contestants. Hello. So, what's your name? 35 00:01:57,346 --> 00:01:59,340 BUZZER Matthew Wilkins. 36 00:01:59,342 --> 00:02:01,264 LAUGHTER 37 00:02:01,266 --> 00:02:04,272 No need to buzz. There's no point for this. Understood. 38 00:02:04,274 --> 00:02:05,300 And where are you from? 39 00:02:05,302 --> 00:02:06,328 BUZZER Chesham! 40 00:02:06,330 --> 00:02:08,264 LAUGHTER 41 00:02:08,266 --> 00:02:11,312 Again, this is just a chat, as I say. 42 00:02:11,314 --> 00:02:15,256 No need to buzz. Understood. And who's playing against Matthew today? 43 00:02:15,258 --> 00:02:17,248 BUZZER Sheila. We just met. 44 00:02:17,250 --> 00:02:19,340 Her name's Sheila. LAUGHTER 45 00:02:19,342 --> 00:02:22,308 I was asking Sheila. Understood. 46 00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:24,304 So, Sheila, where are you from? 47 00:02:24,306 --> 00:02:26,256 BUZZER Isle of Wight. 48 00:02:26,258 --> 00:02:27,272 LAUGHTER 49 00:02:27,274 --> 00:02:29,264 Please. Let Sheila answer. 50 00:02:29,266 --> 00:02:31,252 Bromley. 51 00:02:31,254 --> 00:02:33,292 She shouldn't get a point for that. She's not going to. 52 00:02:33,294 --> 00:02:35,344 We haven't started the actual quiz yet. 53 00:02:35,346 --> 00:02:37,304 Understood. 54 00:02:37,306 --> 00:02:40,280 Well, Sheila, I understand that something rather funny 55 00:02:40,282 --> 00:02:42,276 happened to you on the way to the studio today. 56 00:02:42,278 --> 00:02:44,272 BUZZER All her clothes fell off. 57 00:02:44,274 --> 00:02:47,264 LAUGHTER 58 00:02:47,266 --> 00:02:49,248 What did I just say? 59 00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:50,276 BUZZER 60 00:02:50,278 --> 00:02:53,332 Not to buzz. Correct. Sheila. 61 00:02:53,334 --> 00:02:57,300 Yeah, so I called a taxi, and when I got in... 62 00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,300 BUZZER It exploded. 63 00:02:59,302 --> 00:03:01,304 No. It smelt of eggs. No, I... 64 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,260 All her clothes fell off. 65 00:03:03,262 --> 00:03:07,272 Let Sheila... tell her story! 66 00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,316 Understood. 67 00:03:08,318 --> 00:03:11,308 LAUGHTER 68 00:03:11,310 --> 00:03:13,260 Thank you. 69 00:03:13,262 --> 00:03:17,324 Erm, so, the taxi driver turned out to be my very first boyfriend. 70 00:03:17,326 --> 00:03:20,292 HE LAUGHS INSINCERELY 71 00:03:20,294 --> 00:03:22,324 Oh, isn't that funny? BUZZER 72 00:03:22,326 --> 00:03:26,312 Not especially. LAUGHTER 73 00:03:26,314 --> 00:03:28,304 Just stop buzzing, OK?! 74 00:03:28,306 --> 00:03:32,272 I haven't actually asked a quiz question yet! 75 00:03:32,274 --> 00:03:33,320 Understood. 76 00:03:33,322 --> 00:03:36,316 LAUGHTER 77 00:03:36,318 --> 00:03:38,336 It's time to play Brain Power! 78 00:03:38,338 --> 00:03:41,296 APPLAUSE AND DRAMATIC MUSIC 79 00:03:41,298 --> 00:03:43,320 First question. 80 00:03:43,322 --> 00:03:46,328 What is the capital of New Zealand? 81 00:03:46,330 --> 00:03:48,308 Wellington. You've got to buzz first. 82 00:03:48,310 --> 00:03:50,340 BUZZER Wellington? Correct. 83 00:03:50,342 --> 00:03:52,272 LAUGHTER 84 00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:54,304 That's not fair, you told me not to buzz! 85 00:03:54,306 --> 00:03:56,332 The quiz has started, you can buzz now. 86 00:03:56,334 --> 00:03:58,288 BUZZER 87 00:03:58,290 --> 00:04:01,292 Not now! When I've asked a question. 88 00:04:01,294 --> 00:04:04,280 Oh, this show is very complicated. The rules keep changing. 89 00:04:04,282 --> 00:04:06,252 LAUGHTER 90 00:04:06,254 --> 00:04:07,300 They don't! 91 00:04:07,302 --> 00:04:09,324 OK. Question two. 92 00:04:09,326 --> 00:04:11,324 So, fingers on buzzers. 93 00:04:11,326 --> 00:04:13,288 BUZZER 94 00:04:13,290 --> 00:04:15,304 LAUGHTER 95 00:04:15,306 --> 00:04:19,304 Not fingers ON buzzers. Fingers over buzzers. 96 00:04:19,306 --> 00:04:21,276 OK! 97 00:04:21,278 --> 00:04:22,306 Question two. 98 00:04:24,258 --> 00:04:26,252 Which... BUZZER 99 00:04:26,254 --> 00:04:27,292 Photosynthesis. 100 00:04:27,294 --> 00:04:29,308 LAUGHTER 101 00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:31,336 Wait till I've finished! 102 00:04:31,338 --> 00:04:34,296 You can't possibly know the answer. 103 00:04:34,298 --> 00:04:37,256 Understood. LAUGHTER 104 00:04:37,258 --> 00:04:38,268 Which country... 105 00:04:38,270 --> 00:04:40,252 BUZZER France. Which country... 106 00:04:40,254 --> 00:04:42,292 Spain. Which country... Democratic Republic of Congo. 107 00:04:42,294 --> 00:04:44,248 (ANGRILY) Which country... BUZZER 108 00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,256 JUST LET ME FINISH THE QUESTION! 109 00:04:46,258 --> 00:04:49,290 LAUGHTER 110 00:04:51,298 --> 00:04:53,272 Which country... 111 00:04:53,274 --> 00:04:54,328 BUZZER 112 00:04:54,330 --> 00:04:56,300 Belgium? Not you as well! 113 00:04:56,302 --> 00:04:58,288 LAUGHTER 114 00:04:58,290 --> 00:05:00,328 BUZZER Sorry. 115 00:05:00,330 --> 00:05:02,316 LAUGHTER 116 00:05:02,318 --> 00:05:04,320 This isn't going to work, is it? 117 00:05:04,322 --> 00:05:06,322 The two of you are ruining the show. 118 00:05:08,250 --> 00:05:09,308 You proud of yourselves? 119 00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:11,316 BUZZER Midsomer Murders! 120 00:05:11,318 --> 00:05:13,272 BUZZER John Major. 121 00:05:13,274 --> 00:05:15,276 No! 122 00:05:15,278 --> 00:05:17,300 Sorry, show's over! Happy?! 123 00:05:17,302 --> 00:05:20,276 That's it from this week's Brain Power. 124 00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:22,264 Good night! 125 00:05:22,266 --> 00:05:24,260 BUZZER Fifty Shades of Grey. 126 00:05:24,262 --> 00:05:26,268 BUZZER Duran Duran. 127 00:05:26,270 --> 00:05:28,268 BUZZER Homer's The Odyssey. 128 00:05:28,270 --> 00:05:29,332 BUZZER The Flintstones. 129 00:05:29,334 --> 00:05:32,272 BUZZER Noel's Telly Addicts. 130 00:05:32,274 --> 00:05:36,324 'Joanna Lumley is one of the busiest stars in Britain. 131 00:05:36,326 --> 00:05:41,272 'But how does she find time to do all her wonderful work? 132 00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:43,300 Well, for the first time, 133 00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:48,316 we can reveal that Joanna has help from a rather special team... 134 00:05:48,318 --> 00:05:51,302 A team of Joanna Lumleys. 135 00:05:53,266 --> 00:05:56,296 Good morning, Lumleys. ALL: Good morning, Chief. 136 00:05:56,298 --> 00:05:59,344 Now, as ever, we have a very busy week ahead of us. 137 00:05:59,346 --> 00:06:01,304 Now, Funny Lumley. 138 00:06:01,306 --> 00:06:02,344 Yes, sweetie. 139 00:06:02,346 --> 00:06:06,252 Ab Fab the movie - how are you finding getting back into character? 140 00:06:06,254 --> 00:06:07,308 Well, it's not easy, darling. 141 00:06:07,310 --> 00:06:09,340 Patsy couldn't be more different from me. 142 00:06:09,342 --> 00:06:11,332 Yeah, all this drinking and smoking, 143 00:06:11,334 --> 00:06:14,336 I really had to cut down for the role. 144 00:06:14,338 --> 00:06:17,272 Thank you. So, Do-Gooder Lumley. 145 00:06:17,274 --> 00:06:19,308 Yes? 146 00:06:19,310 --> 00:06:24,252 I need you to go to Number 10 this afternoon. Oh, what is it? 147 00:06:24,254 --> 00:06:25,308 The Gurkhas again? 148 00:06:25,310 --> 00:06:28,314 No, this is for cats who suffer from low self-esteem. 149 00:06:29,326 --> 00:06:31,292 Oh, poor things. 150 00:06:31,294 --> 00:06:36,258 Anything I can do to raise the profile of this awful affliction. 151 00:06:37,310 --> 00:06:40,316 Any news on the Damehood? No, not a peep. 152 00:06:40,318 --> 00:06:42,308 ALL MUMBLE UNHAPPILY 153 00:06:42,310 --> 00:06:44,282 Now, Voice-Over Lumley. 154 00:06:45,302 --> 00:06:46,330 Voice-Over Lumley? 155 00:06:49,286 --> 00:06:53,272 Sorry, I was just enjoying the rich, dark taste 156 00:06:53,274 --> 00:06:56,320 of this smooth, sensual instant coffee. 157 00:06:56,322 --> 00:06:59,312 Pure indulgence in a cup. 158 00:06:59,314 --> 00:07:01,346 Today's advert is for Toilet Duck. 159 00:07:03,266 --> 00:07:04,320 It'll be a challenge, 160 00:07:04,322 --> 00:07:08,268 but I'm sure I can bring an erotic charge to the word... 161 00:07:08,270 --> 00:07:10,276 U-bend. 162 00:07:10,278 --> 00:07:11,328 Good. 163 00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:13,346 Now, Totty Lumley. Yes? 164 00:07:16,290 --> 00:07:19,268 You're off to Hull this weekend for a Bond Girl convention. 165 00:07:19,270 --> 00:07:20,308 And please, this time, 166 00:07:20,310 --> 00:07:23,300 try not to get into a bitch-fight with Honor Blackman. 167 00:07:23,302 --> 00:07:26,340 Diana Riggs started it. Always does! 168 00:07:26,342 --> 00:07:29,284 So everyone knows what we're doing? 169 00:07:29,286 --> 00:07:32,282 ALL: Yes, Chief. Then let's finish with the pledge. 170 00:07:35,262 --> 00:07:39,304 ALL: We, Joanna Lumley, do solemnly swear 171 00:07:39,306 --> 00:07:44,320 to be the best actress/presenter/crumpet 172 00:07:44,322 --> 00:07:47,272 we can possibly be. 173 00:07:47,274 --> 00:07:51,280 We promise to bring light and hope into this world, 174 00:07:51,282 --> 00:07:55,254 while always looking utterly ravishing. 175 00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:04,344 Chernoff is boarding a train to Geneva. 176 00:08:04,346 --> 00:08:07,288 Of course, that's where the NATO summit is. 177 00:08:07,290 --> 00:08:09,312 Chernoff is going to kill the Secretary-General! 178 00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:12,264 Minister, I've got my best man on the ground. 179 00:08:12,266 --> 00:08:13,306 Bond, get on that train. 180 00:08:14,330 --> 00:08:17,278 Well, buy one from the ticket machine. 181 00:08:19,302 --> 00:08:23,292 "It's all in foreign." Well, run over to the ticket desk. 182 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:26,278 No, don't be shy just cos the lady's pretty. 183 00:08:27,326 --> 00:08:30,270 I expect your wallet's in your bum-bag. 184 00:08:31,342 --> 00:08:36,276 Then you'll just have to seduce the ticket lady, so kiss her, Bond! 185 00:08:36,278 --> 00:08:39,264 She smells of crisps?! 186 00:08:39,266 --> 00:08:41,328 Just take the ticket and run. 187 00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:44,268 No, I don't think there's time to get sweets. 188 00:08:44,270 --> 00:08:46,326 They should have a food trolley on the train. 189 00:08:48,282 --> 00:08:51,308 I-I don't know - sausage rolls, sandwiches? 190 00:08:51,310 --> 00:08:53,320 A selection of hot and cold snacks. 191 00:08:53,322 --> 00:08:57,292 The Admiral says there's normally a selection of hot and cold snacks. 192 00:08:57,294 --> 00:08:59,344 Well, when you get there, just say you don't like egg 193 00:08:59,346 --> 00:09:01,300 and they won't give you egg! 194 00:09:01,302 --> 00:09:04,304 For goodness' sake, Bond, Chernoff's getting away! 195 00:09:04,306 --> 00:09:07,258 No, I'm not cross with you. 196 00:09:08,322 --> 00:09:11,268 No, the Minister's not cross with you. 197 00:09:11,270 --> 00:09:13,344 The Admiral's not cross with you, we're not cross with you. 198 00:09:13,346 --> 00:09:15,302 GUNFIRE 199 00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,347 Well, then, shoot her back. 200 00:09:21,322 --> 00:09:23,328 Take the shot, take the bloody shot! 201 00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,282 GUNFIRE 202 00:09:27,254 --> 00:09:28,286 You shot a nun?! 203 00:09:31,258 --> 00:09:34,294 Well, just to say sorry to the other nuns and get on the train. 204 00:09:35,318 --> 00:09:38,280 Bond's in the same carriage as Chernoff. 205 00:09:38,282 --> 00:09:42,268 No, he's an assassin, of course he's got a gun! Wrestle it off him! 206 00:09:42,270 --> 00:09:44,314 GUNSHOT, LOUD SCREAMING 207 00:09:46,278 --> 00:09:48,286 Chernoff is dead! At last. 208 00:09:50,282 --> 00:09:51,334 No, don't be sad. 209 00:09:53,278 --> 00:09:57,262 Yes, Chernoff will have had a mummy and a daddy, but he was a BAD MAN! 210 00:09:59,282 --> 00:10:02,292 No, don't cry, don't cry. 211 00:10:02,294 --> 00:10:04,282 Big, brave Bond! 212 00:10:09,266 --> 00:10:11,332 BOTH: Big, brave Bond. 213 00:10:11,334 --> 00:10:14,284 Big, brave Bond! 214 00:10:14,286 --> 00:10:16,280 Yes. 215 00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:19,262 Yes, now would be a good time to get some sweeties. 216 00:10:20,310 --> 00:10:22,344 So, how is your marriage? 217 00:10:22,346 --> 00:10:26,312 Well, I think when you've been married for, what, 25 years, 218 00:10:26,314 --> 00:10:29,260 you end up being able to finish each other's... 219 00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,264 ...wine. 220 00:10:31,266 --> 00:10:35,276 OK, I was going to say sentences. Oh. Sentences, yeah. 221 00:10:35,278 --> 00:10:36,328 I mean, it's uncanny. 222 00:10:36,330 --> 00:10:39,260 We know each other so well, we can read each other's... 223 00:10:39,262 --> 00:10:40,340 ...text messages. No! E-mails? 224 00:10:40,342 --> 00:10:43,292 No. WhatsApp? No, minds! 225 00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:46,248 Oh. Read each other's minds. 226 00:10:46,250 --> 00:10:48,304 I mean, when you spend so much time together, 227 00:10:48,306 --> 00:10:50,336 you get to this point where you're completely in... 228 00:10:50,338 --> 00:10:52,300 ...different to each other. 229 00:10:52,302 --> 00:10:54,272 In sync with each other. 230 00:10:54,274 --> 00:10:56,296 We can always tell what each other's... 231 00:10:56,298 --> 00:10:59,248 ..secretly plotting. Thinking! 232 00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:02,256 And I always say, got to be able to laugh together, yeah? 233 00:11:02,258 --> 00:11:05,256 We can laugh together. So it's great that we share a sense of... 234 00:11:05,258 --> 00:11:06,298 ..foreboding. Humour. 235 00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:10,316 I think what keeps me and Carol's relationship so fresh 236 00:11:10,318 --> 00:11:13,288 is that we've got this really strong... 237 00:11:13,290 --> 00:11:17,304 ...man next door who exercises in his cycling shorts. 238 00:11:17,306 --> 00:11:20,324 No, I was going to say "Really strong bond." Oh. 239 00:11:20,326 --> 00:11:23,344 I mean, yes, we're husband and wife, but... 240 00:11:23,346 --> 00:11:25,344 more importantly, we're best... 241 00:11:25,346 --> 00:11:28,256 ..off without each other. No, best... 242 00:11:28,258 --> 00:11:30,280 ..sleeping in separate rooms? No, best... 243 00:11:30,282 --> 00:11:32,338 ..ending this pointless charade. No, best friends. 244 00:11:34,254 --> 00:11:36,256 We're actually very lucky. Oh. 245 00:11:36,258 --> 00:11:38,328 Cos we're both found our soul... Maaa... 246 00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:40,276 BOTH: Mate. 247 00:11:40,278 --> 00:11:43,312 That's right, Carol. You see, we're like two peas in a... 248 00:11:43,314 --> 00:11:46,256 ...deeply unhappy marriage. 249 00:11:46,258 --> 00:11:47,306 Pod. 250 00:11:48,326 --> 00:11:50,330 Oh. Pod... 251 00:11:57,302 --> 00:12:01,276 Is this Liars Anonymous? No. 252 00:12:01,278 --> 00:12:02,344 Good. 253 00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:05,300 Anyone sitting here? Yes. 254 00:12:05,302 --> 00:12:06,342 Thanks. 255 00:12:09,266 --> 00:12:12,308 OK, so we're all here. Let's begin. 256 00:12:12,310 --> 00:12:15,312 I'm Sue and, as always, I'll be leading today's session. 257 00:12:15,314 --> 00:12:18,268 No, Jackie, we've been through all that. 258 00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:21,292 Hello, I'm Sue and I'm leading today's session. 259 00:12:21,294 --> 00:12:23,284 Shall we introduce ourselves? 260 00:12:23,286 --> 00:12:25,336 Er, my name's Richard, 261 00:12:25,338 --> 00:12:27,312 I'm 19 262 00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:29,282 and I'm a bikini model. 263 00:12:31,274 --> 00:12:33,296 OK... Jackie. 264 00:12:33,298 --> 00:12:35,316 Oh, Jackie couldn't be here tonight. 265 00:12:35,318 --> 00:12:38,260 Thank you, Jackie. 266 00:12:38,262 --> 00:12:39,344 And you're new, aren't you? 267 00:12:39,346 --> 00:12:42,280 No, I've been coming here for years. 268 00:12:42,282 --> 00:12:44,316 What's your name? 269 00:12:44,318 --> 00:12:46,304 Laquisha. 270 00:12:46,306 --> 00:12:49,276 Well, then, what is NOT your name? 271 00:12:49,278 --> 00:12:51,342 Paul. Paul! Damnit. Thank you, Paul. 272 00:12:52,346 --> 00:12:56,344 So, for our first exercise, I want everyone to make a short statement 273 00:12:56,346 --> 00:12:59,252 that does not contain a lie. 274 00:12:59,254 --> 00:13:01,340 I am married... Good. 275 00:13:01,342 --> 00:13:04,260 ...to Prince Charles. 276 00:13:04,262 --> 00:13:06,316 So close. 277 00:13:06,318 --> 00:13:08,296 Jackie? 278 00:13:08,298 --> 00:13:13,268 I am a liarrrr... on. 279 00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:15,332 I am a lion. 280 00:13:15,334 --> 00:13:18,264 Rawr. 281 00:13:18,266 --> 00:13:20,252 I've got one. Yes, Paul? 282 00:13:20,254 --> 00:13:21,294 I... Yes? 283 00:13:23,286 --> 00:13:25,312 ..Cannot... Yes, go on. 284 00:13:25,314 --> 00:13:27,290 ...grow a moustache! 285 00:13:29,314 --> 00:13:31,340 Can we remember why we're here? 286 00:13:31,342 --> 00:13:33,286 To learn Spanish. 287 00:13:35,258 --> 00:13:39,248 OK, I'm going to ask you a question and please, please don't lie. 288 00:13:39,250 --> 00:13:41,316 Is anyone actually finding this helpful? 289 00:13:41,318 --> 00:13:44,272 Oh, yes, yeah! Of course. Absolutely. 290 00:13:44,274 --> 00:13:47,264 You are really good at what you do. 291 00:13:47,266 --> 00:13:49,252 Oh, right. 292 00:13:49,254 --> 00:13:51,324 Well, let's try something completely different. 293 00:13:51,326 --> 00:13:56,280 Sorry I'm late. I'm Sue, I'll be leading today's... session. 294 00:13:56,282 --> 00:13:58,306 LAUGHTER 295 00:14:11,330 --> 00:14:14,308 Have you got money lying around the house 296 00:14:14,310 --> 00:14:16,344 that you want to turn into cash? 297 00:14:16,346 --> 00:14:21,296 I discovered that I had £25 just gathering dust. 298 00:14:21,298 --> 00:14:26,336 All you have to do is put it in an envelope and send it to us 299 00:14:26,338 --> 00:14:28,292 at Cash4money. 300 00:14:28,294 --> 00:14:32,312 So I sent off the £25 and, just six months later, 301 00:14:32,314 --> 00:14:37,324 I received a check for £12, all thanks to Cash4money. 302 00:14:37,326 --> 00:14:39,316 It couldn't be simpler. 303 00:14:39,318 --> 00:14:43,262 We give you cash for your unwanted money. 304 00:14:45,254 --> 00:14:49,264 I realised I had £2,000 just sitting in my safe doing nothing. 305 00:14:49,266 --> 00:14:51,304 And Cash4money sent me £50. 306 00:14:51,306 --> 00:14:54,290 That was a lot more than I was expecting. 307 00:14:55,338 --> 00:15:00,324 There was no annoying paperwork, no pesky contracts and nothing to sign. 308 00:15:00,326 --> 00:15:02,340 So I sent them every penny I had, 309 00:15:02,342 --> 00:15:07,304 £212, and received £30 back. 310 00:15:07,306 --> 00:15:10,330 It couldn't be nicer. Thanks, Cash4money. 311 00:15:12,262 --> 00:15:15,316 Our team of experts will use their years of experience 312 00:15:15,318 --> 00:15:18,344 to tell you exactly how much your money is worth. 313 00:15:18,346 --> 00:15:21,316 I found this pound coin down the back of my sofa. 314 00:15:21,318 --> 00:15:23,306 What would you say that is worth? 315 00:15:25,290 --> 00:15:27,256 Eight pence. 316 00:15:27,258 --> 00:15:29,280 Now I can go on that dream holiday. 317 00:15:29,282 --> 00:15:30,326 Thanks Cash4money. 318 00:15:32,286 --> 00:15:37,268 I sent cash for money £70 and they only sent me £12. 319 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,264 I was not happy. 320 00:15:39,266 --> 00:15:44,328 So I sent the £12 back and they sent me £3.65. 321 00:15:44,330 --> 00:15:47,292 Another satisfied customer. 322 00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:49,308 Thanks, Cash4money. 323 00:15:49,310 --> 00:15:52,308 And if you're still not 100% satisfied, 324 00:15:52,310 --> 00:15:54,308 we will keep your money. 325 00:15:54,310 --> 00:15:57,292 That's the Cash4money promise. 326 00:15:57,294 --> 00:15:58,328 Cash4money! 327 00:15:58,330 --> 00:16:01,272 Terms and conditions apply, I'm saying this really fast 328 00:16:01,274 --> 00:16:03,332 so you can't really understand it, if you send in your money to 329 00:16:03,334 --> 00:16:06,290 Cash4money and you're not satisfied, you can just bog off. 330 00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:13,272 Hello and welcome to Home Crafts. 331 00:16:13,274 --> 00:16:16,284 Now, it's fun throwing dinner parties, 332 00:16:16,286 --> 00:16:19,344 either as a couple or on your own. 333 00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:23,276 And decorating the table with your own arts and crafts 334 00:16:23,278 --> 00:16:26,340 is a wonderful touch, so let's start with napkin rings. 335 00:16:26,342 --> 00:16:30,280 You can use any kind of brightly coloured material. 336 00:16:30,282 --> 00:16:33,286 I've chosen one of Peter's designer ties. 337 00:16:34,318 --> 00:16:37,292 This one was actually an anniversary present. 338 00:16:37,294 --> 00:16:39,312 It wasn't cheap. 339 00:16:39,314 --> 00:16:41,264 He wore the night 340 00:16:41,266 --> 00:16:43,302 he was first "working late". 341 00:16:44,314 --> 00:16:46,316 So, cut, cut, cut, 342 00:16:46,318 --> 00:16:50,256 nice, big cuts, just like that. 343 00:16:50,258 --> 00:16:52,332 And then you're going to plait them together, 344 00:16:52,334 --> 00:16:54,332 like that, like that, like that, 345 00:16:54,334 --> 00:16:57,248 hook them round and there, 346 00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,292 we have a gorgeous napkin ring. 347 00:16:59,294 --> 00:17:02,284 Here are some that I made earlier. 348 00:17:02,286 --> 00:17:06,288 And I made them from one of Peter's Italian shirts. 349 00:17:06,290 --> 00:17:07,340 Lovely. 350 00:17:07,342 --> 00:17:09,316 Now, place mats. 351 00:17:09,318 --> 00:17:13,296 You need to use something durable and waterproof, like leather. 352 00:17:13,298 --> 00:17:17,282 I've cut these sections out of the back seats of his Lexus. 353 00:17:19,266 --> 00:17:21,316 One of the many places Peter and... 354 00:17:21,318 --> 00:17:26,252 she-who-cannot-be-mentioned did the deed. 355 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:30,252 Back of the car, classy, isn't it? 356 00:17:30,254 --> 00:17:32,322 Obviously give the leather a good wipe down. 357 00:17:34,318 --> 00:17:37,274 Cos you never know what's been on it. 358 00:17:38,314 --> 00:17:41,276 Well, I think we all do, you know? 359 00:17:41,278 --> 00:17:43,310 His sweaty arse bouncing up and down. 360 00:17:45,270 --> 00:17:47,296 Well, she's welcome to it, that's what I say. 361 00:17:47,298 --> 00:17:50,300 And finally, to bring a little bit of sparkle to your dinner table, 362 00:17:50,302 --> 00:17:52,276 you can make your own glitter. 363 00:17:52,278 --> 00:17:56,256 You need to start with something shiny and gold... 364 00:17:56,258 --> 00:17:59,252 like Peter's Rolex that he left behind. 365 00:17:59,254 --> 00:18:03,264 Pop it into a sandwich bag and then, don't be shy, 366 00:18:03,266 --> 00:18:05,298 give it a jolly good old bash. 367 00:18:10,262 --> 00:18:12,264 You don't have to use an expensive watch, 368 00:18:12,266 --> 00:18:16,268 but it does feel much more satisfying. 369 00:18:16,270 --> 00:18:18,284 And... there we are. 370 00:18:18,286 --> 00:18:21,318 Now, it's in tiny, tiny pieces... 371 00:18:23,314 --> 00:18:25,278 ...just like our marriage. 372 00:18:26,310 --> 00:18:29,268 Look at that, beautiful, isn't it? 373 00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:31,266 Unlike his PA Lydia. 374 00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:37,304 She's got a great big fat arse and surprisingly hairy hands. 375 00:18:37,306 --> 00:18:39,254 Goodbye. 376 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:51,264 Happy birthday, Joanna. Thank you, darling. 377 00:18:51,266 --> 00:18:55,252 Selfie! What? Cheeky selfie! 378 00:18:55,254 --> 00:18:57,324 I'm sorry? You're on telly, ain't ya? Sometimes. 379 00:18:57,326 --> 00:18:59,308 Oh, cheeky selfie then! 380 00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:01,300 Well, OK. 381 00:19:01,302 --> 00:19:03,296 Oh, bit blurry. Another one. 382 00:19:03,298 --> 00:19:06,284 You've got a right double chin in that one. Another one? 383 00:19:06,286 --> 00:19:10,344 Shall I take it? Nah, cos then it wouldn't be a selfie, would it?! 384 00:19:10,346 --> 00:19:12,328 Another one. 385 00:19:12,330 --> 00:19:15,264 I'm not smiling in that one. Another one. 386 00:19:15,266 --> 00:19:17,280 I'm not in that one. Another one. 387 00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:19,260 You're not in that one. Another one. 388 00:19:19,262 --> 00:19:22,310 I think you've got it now. One last cheeky selfie! 389 00:19:23,322 --> 00:19:27,260 Have a lovely evening and goodbye. 390 00:19:27,262 --> 00:19:28,308 MOUTHS: So sorry! 391 00:19:28,310 --> 00:19:31,296 Right, now, more champagne? I think so. 392 00:19:31,298 --> 00:19:32,328 One last thing. 393 00:19:32,330 --> 00:19:34,282 Who are you? 394 00:19:43,346 --> 00:19:45,276 Hello there. 395 00:19:45,278 --> 00:19:46,340 All ready for Christmas? 396 00:19:46,342 --> 00:19:49,304 Yes, just took the kids to see Satan. 397 00:19:49,306 --> 00:19:51,266 LAUGHTER 398 00:19:52,298 --> 00:19:54,300 Satan? Where was this? 399 00:19:54,302 --> 00:19:56,288 In his ghetto. 400 00:19:56,290 --> 00:19:59,312 Got some lovely pictures of the kids sitting on Satan's knee. 401 00:19:59,314 --> 00:20:02,260 Oh, you must be Stanley. 402 00:20:02,262 --> 00:20:04,292 You're the guy who invented AutoCorrect. 403 00:20:04,294 --> 00:20:06,254 I certainly Amsterdam. 404 00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:11,332 Now I get it. You took them to see Santa in his grotto. 405 00:20:11,334 --> 00:20:13,282 That's what I salad. 406 00:20:15,330 --> 00:20:18,288 How did you come up with the idea for AutoCorrect? 407 00:20:18,290 --> 00:20:21,328 Oh, well, I was a student at Klingon's Collage. King's College. 408 00:20:21,330 --> 00:20:24,328 And it was just as nubile phones were taking awful. 409 00:20:24,330 --> 00:20:28,296 And I just had this crazy IKEA. Idea. 410 00:20:28,298 --> 00:20:32,260 Why not make the whole prose of texting much more effluent? 411 00:20:32,262 --> 00:20:33,316 Efficient! 412 00:20:33,318 --> 00:20:36,320 And I formed my own company, I've never looked black. 413 00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:38,268 Black?! 414 00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:39,308 Back! 415 00:20:39,310 --> 00:20:41,280 Do I need to squeak more lewdly? 416 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:44,252 No. You're squeaking perfectly lewdly. 417 00:20:44,254 --> 00:20:46,288 I mean, you're speaking perfectly lewdly. 418 00:20:46,290 --> 00:20:47,330 Loudly! 419 00:20:49,338 --> 00:20:53,300 I suppose AutoCorrect is everywhere now, isn't it? Did you... 420 00:20:53,302 --> 00:20:55,264 do well out of it? 421 00:20:55,266 --> 00:20:59,256 Oh, well, I've got a fair amount of monkey in my bonk account. 422 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,320 Glass of wind? 423 00:21:00,322 --> 00:21:02,288 No, thank you. 424 00:21:02,290 --> 00:21:05,268 So, what do you doo-wop? 425 00:21:05,270 --> 00:21:07,268 I teach music. 426 00:21:07,270 --> 00:21:09,294 Oh, classical, rock, jizz? 427 00:21:11,322 --> 00:21:15,268 Jazz, mostly. Oh, I wouldn't have a sewage roll, if I was you. 428 00:21:15,270 --> 00:21:17,312 They're very over-cocked. 429 00:21:17,314 --> 00:21:19,308 Try the chicken sooty. 430 00:21:19,310 --> 00:21:21,260 Darling! 431 00:21:21,262 --> 00:21:22,284 Oh. 432 00:21:22,286 --> 00:21:23,328 It was lovely mating you. 433 00:21:23,330 --> 00:21:27,294 Enjoy the rest of the farty and have a very Merry Kriss Akabusi. 434 00:21:29,262 --> 00:21:30,344 Merry Christmas to you, too. 435 00:21:30,346 --> 00:21:34,280 Look what I found. Oh, wish me luck. 436 00:21:34,282 --> 00:21:36,338 Got to go kiss the wife under the camel toe. 437 00:21:38,302 --> 00:21:41,318 Mistletoe. That, too. Coming, dear. 438 00:21:49,294 --> 00:21:51,340 SHE CLEARS HER THROAT 439 00:21:51,342 --> 00:21:53,292 SHE GASPS 440 00:21:53,294 --> 00:21:55,336 Hello, welcome to Tanya's Tans. 441 00:21:55,338 --> 00:21:57,296 Hello. 442 00:21:57,298 --> 00:22:01,252 My name's Tammy, but you can call me Tam. 443 00:22:01,254 --> 00:22:04,316 I'm going on holiday next week and I, er... Anywhere nice? 444 00:22:04,318 --> 00:22:06,320 Portugal. No, then. 445 00:22:06,322 --> 00:22:09,280 And I just want to be tanned before I leave. 446 00:22:09,282 --> 00:22:11,296 Hmm, that's quite specialist. 447 00:22:11,298 --> 00:22:13,272 Let me get Tanya. 448 00:22:13,274 --> 00:22:14,302 Mum? 449 00:22:18,322 --> 00:22:20,270 MUM!! 450 00:22:21,326 --> 00:22:24,304 Hello and welcome to Tanya's Tans. Done that. 451 00:22:24,306 --> 00:22:26,332 My name is Tanya, you can call me Tan. 452 00:22:26,334 --> 00:22:29,260 How can I help you? She's going to Portugal. 453 00:22:29,262 --> 00:22:32,320 Oh, I'm sorry about that. I just want to be tanned before I go. 454 00:22:32,322 --> 00:22:36,332 All the tans we do here at Tanya's Tans are in the bro-suuure. 455 00:22:36,334 --> 00:22:39,248 Oh, lovely, I'll have a look at the brochure then. 456 00:22:39,250 --> 00:22:40,336 The what? The brochure? 457 00:22:40,338 --> 00:22:43,248 The what? The brochure. 458 00:22:43,250 --> 00:22:45,308 The bro-suuure? Yes. 459 00:22:45,310 --> 00:22:48,248 Well, say it, then. 460 00:22:48,250 --> 00:22:50,312 Er... The, er... 461 00:22:50,314 --> 00:22:53,278 bro-suuure? Got there in the end. 462 00:22:55,314 --> 00:22:57,276 Oh, there's a lot here. 463 00:22:57,278 --> 00:23:02,268 Yeah, we got all the colours, from Orange Glow to Barbecue Teak. 464 00:23:02,270 --> 00:23:04,288 Er, there so many. It's hard to choose. 465 00:23:04,290 --> 00:23:07,324 Southend Sunset is very popular. Oh, it's a nice tan, that. A lovely tan. 466 00:23:07,326 --> 00:23:10,336 Yeah. I'm not sure. Club Tropicana. 467 00:23:10,338 --> 00:23:12,324 Duck L'orange. Kumquat. 468 00:23:12,326 --> 00:23:15,260 Chicken Korma. David Dickinson. 469 00:23:15,262 --> 00:23:16,344 Winton's Wonderland. Jaundice. 470 00:23:16,346 --> 00:23:19,260 Creosote Carnival. Golden Shower. 471 00:23:19,262 --> 00:23:21,300 Traffic Cone. Oompa Loompa. 472 00:23:21,302 --> 00:23:24,296 Cheesy Wotsit. Orange Is The New Black. 473 00:23:24,298 --> 00:23:27,280 Panda Fantasy. Runny Fudge. 474 00:23:27,282 --> 00:23:30,260 I think I'm going to leave it for today. Chutney Fountain? 475 00:23:30,262 --> 00:23:33,268 No, really, thank you. Doner Kebab? 476 00:23:33,270 --> 00:23:37,300 No, on second thoughts, I just feel like I want a more natural look. 477 00:23:37,302 --> 00:23:40,304 Stuck up cow. Sorry? 478 00:23:40,306 --> 00:23:43,308 It's a type of tan, isn't it, Tam? 479 00:23:43,310 --> 00:23:46,252 Oh, yeah, yeah, it's a type of tan. 480 00:23:46,254 --> 00:23:49,252 The Stuck Up Cow. Yeah. Right. 481 00:23:49,254 --> 00:23:51,344 Time wasting tart. I heard that. 482 00:23:51,346 --> 00:23:53,344 It's a type of tan! 483 00:23:53,346 --> 00:23:56,324 Show me in the brochure, then. 484 00:23:56,326 --> 00:23:59,288 The what? The brochure. 485 00:23:59,290 --> 00:24:01,276 The what? 486 00:24:01,278 --> 00:24:03,270 MOCKINGLY: The bro-suuuure. 487 00:24:06,254 --> 00:24:07,338 Look, it's there. 488 00:24:09,310 --> 00:24:13,260 I hope you get burned on your holidays, you pasty old trollop. 489 00:24:13,262 --> 00:24:15,260 How dare you! 490 00:24:15,262 --> 00:24:17,298 BOTH: It's a type of tan! 491 00:24:24,254 --> 00:24:27,316 OK, daughter, The Three Little Pigs. 492 00:24:27,318 --> 00:24:29,344 Oh, I love this one, Daddy. 493 00:24:29,346 --> 00:24:32,336 Please, questions and comments at the end. 494 00:24:32,338 --> 00:24:36,260 "Once upon a time, there were three little pigs." 495 00:24:36,262 --> 00:24:39,296 Oh, there's a lot of info here we don't have time to eyeball right now. 496 00:24:39,298 --> 00:24:41,336 So let me just give you the bullet points. 497 00:24:41,338 --> 00:24:43,316 Pigs built houses. 498 00:24:43,318 --> 00:24:47,304 Pig A, straw. Pig B, sticks. Pig C, bricks. 499 00:24:47,306 --> 00:24:49,300 I think we can see where this is going. 500 00:24:49,302 --> 00:24:52,292 Oh, what a surprise, there's a wolf. Is he a big, bad wolf? 501 00:24:52,294 --> 00:24:54,344 Like in banking, good and bad doesn't come into it. 502 00:24:54,346 --> 00:24:58,272 The wolf's primary short-term objective is to eat pigs, 503 00:24:58,274 --> 00:25:01,252 so the word I would use is focused. 504 00:25:01,254 --> 00:25:04,276 But if the pigs know that there's a wolf, then why does the first pig... 505 00:25:04,278 --> 00:25:08,336 Pig A. Then why does Pig A build his house out of straw? 506 00:25:08,338 --> 00:25:11,252 Er... 507 00:25:11,254 --> 00:25:14,302 I'm not actually across that. Let me get the office onto it. 508 00:25:16,286 --> 00:25:17,336 Hi, Janice. 509 00:25:17,338 --> 00:25:20,296 I'm just walking through The Three Little Pigs thing 510 00:25:20,298 --> 00:25:22,328 with my daughter and a question has come up. 511 00:25:22,330 --> 00:25:27,282 A bloody good one. Where are we on the Pig A's straw house strategy? 512 00:25:29,330 --> 00:25:32,328 Well, then, can you get Steve onto that?... He's on the Redeye. 513 00:25:32,330 --> 00:25:35,332 Well, tell him as soon as he lands in New York to get his ass in gear 514 00:25:35,334 --> 00:25:38,300 and get back to me ASAP. 515 00:25:38,302 --> 00:25:41,280 Steve's on to it. OK, so let's just close this. 516 00:25:41,282 --> 00:25:44,260 I know your time is important, mine certainly is. 517 00:25:44,262 --> 00:25:46,300 Huff, puff, house down. Huff puff, house down. 518 00:25:46,302 --> 00:25:48,324 Huff puff, quelle surprise, house intact. 519 00:25:48,326 --> 00:25:51,288 Wolf thinks outside the box, climbs down the chimney, 520 00:25:51,290 --> 00:25:54,272 ends up in a large cooking vessel, pigs eat him. 521 00:25:54,274 --> 00:25:58,288 Complete turnaround, total 180, the end. Happiness? 522 00:25:58,290 --> 00:26:02,260 Can you read another one? No can do. Diary's a shocker. 523 00:26:02,262 --> 00:26:05,328 But let's put in another one of these for next month. 524 00:26:05,330 --> 00:26:09,310 Thanks, Dad. It's been really lovely having story time with you. 525 00:26:14,310 --> 00:26:18,304 You know... if ever there's anything you need to talk about, 526 00:26:18,306 --> 00:26:20,250 anything at all... 527 00:26:21,298 --> 00:26:22,334 ...here are the deets. 528 00:26:24,298 --> 00:26:27,248 Janice can reach me 24/7. 529 00:26:27,250 --> 00:26:29,280 Good night, Dad. I love you. Ditto. 530 00:26:29,282 --> 00:26:30,332 PHONE ALERT 531 00:26:30,334 --> 00:26:35,284 Ah, just had an e-mail from Steve RE: the straw house inquiry. 532 00:26:35,286 --> 00:26:38,276 He says it is most likely a risk assessment failure. 533 00:26:38,278 --> 00:26:39,338 Ciao. 534 00:26:44,262 --> 00:26:48,248 Lady Asgrith, I can scarcely believe that Mr Oscar Wilde himself 535 00:26:48,250 --> 00:26:50,336 has accepted this invitation to take tea with us. 536 00:26:50,338 --> 00:26:53,304 He's quite simply the wittiest man in London. 537 00:26:53,306 --> 00:26:56,332 I have read so much about his quips and aphorisms 538 00:26:56,334 --> 00:26:59,312 and longed to hear them in person. 539 00:26:59,314 --> 00:27:01,294 Mr Oscar Wilde. 540 00:27:04,306 --> 00:27:06,288 Oh, Mr Wilde! 541 00:27:06,290 --> 00:27:11,292 These are my beloved friends, Lady Harrington, Lady Ponsonbury 542 00:27:11,294 --> 00:27:14,336 and may I introduce Her Grace the Duchess of Shrewsbury? 543 00:27:14,338 --> 00:27:16,312 My mother-in-law. 544 00:27:16,314 --> 00:27:19,332 I'm not saying my mother-in-law's ugly... 545 00:27:19,334 --> 00:27:23,298 but when she sits on the sand, cats try to bury her. 546 00:27:28,326 --> 00:27:31,320 LADIES LAUGH UNCOMFORTABLY 547 00:27:31,322 --> 00:27:35,254 Poor lady, being mistaken for some cat doings! 548 00:27:37,306 --> 00:27:39,344 Apologies, Mr Wilde. Pray, continue. 549 00:27:39,346 --> 00:27:41,300 Have you been keeping well? 550 00:27:41,302 --> 00:27:44,272 So I went to the doctors the other day. 551 00:27:44,274 --> 00:27:48,248 I said, "Doctor, have you got anything for persistent wind?" 552 00:27:48,250 --> 00:27:51,270 And he said, "Yes, have this kite." 553 00:27:54,338 --> 00:27:57,272 I myself suffer terribly from the gas. 554 00:27:57,274 --> 00:27:59,248 SHE FAKES A FART 555 00:27:59,250 --> 00:28:02,340 Stop being so crude in front of Mr Wilde! 556 00:28:02,342 --> 00:28:05,344 Do continue. Got another one for you. 557 00:28:05,346 --> 00:28:09,320 What's long, pink and shoved in tarts? 558 00:28:09,322 --> 00:28:12,248 Oh, a riddle from Mr Wilde! 559 00:28:12,250 --> 00:28:16,300 Oh, pray tell us, what is long, pink and shoved in tarts? 560 00:28:16,302 --> 00:28:18,336 Is it, per chance, a gentleman's organ? 561 00:28:18,338 --> 00:28:20,322 LADIES GASP 562 00:28:23,326 --> 00:28:26,274 I was going to say a rhubarb, you filthy cow! 563 00:28:27,330 --> 00:28:30,252 Lady Harrington! 564 00:28:30,254 --> 00:28:34,300 You have debased this afternoon's tea with your obscene interruptions 565 00:28:34,302 --> 00:28:37,332 and what is worse, you have offended Mr Oscar Wilde. 566 00:28:37,334 --> 00:28:41,274 Please, forgive me. You must leave London immediately. 567 00:28:45,342 --> 00:28:50,320 Mr Wilde, my sincere apologies for making reference to a shlong. 568 00:28:50,322 --> 00:28:52,254 LAUGHTER 569 00:28:53,302 --> 00:28:57,316 Please rest assured, she'll be banished from polite society. 570 00:28:57,318 --> 00:28:59,340 Now, I implore you to charm us 571 00:28:59,342 --> 00:29:02,344 with another one of your enchanting epigrams. 572 00:29:02,346 --> 00:29:04,338 Two poofs walk into a pub... 573 00:29:09,322 --> 00:29:11,326 Taxi! 574 00:29:13,318 --> 00:29:17,292 Where to, Ms Lumley? Heathrow Airport, please, and hurry! 575 00:29:17,294 --> 00:29:19,272 Selfie? 576 00:29:19,274 --> 00:29:22,312 Cheeky selfie. Oh, it's you again. Yeah, we did a cheeky selfie. 577 00:29:22,314 --> 00:29:24,264 What do you want now? 578 00:29:24,266 --> 00:29:25,288 Cheeky selfie. 579 00:29:25,290 --> 00:29:27,276 No, but I'm running very late for my flight. 580 00:29:27,278 --> 00:29:30,252 Well, in the time it took you to tell me you're running very late 581 00:29:30,254 --> 00:29:32,288 for your flight, we could have done a cheeky selfie. 582 00:29:32,290 --> 00:29:35,284 OK, we'll do a cheeky selfie, but very quickly. 583 00:29:35,286 --> 00:29:37,292 BEEP Oh, memory card full. 584 00:29:37,294 --> 00:29:39,260 Got to delete some. 585 00:29:39,262 --> 00:29:40,316 Keep that. 586 00:29:40,318 --> 00:29:45,252 Keep that. Could... No, keep that. 587 00:29:45,254 --> 00:29:47,328 That's a picture of me washing machine. 588 00:29:47,330 --> 00:29:50,272 Keep that. Look, I'm sorry, I really do have to go now. 589 00:29:50,274 --> 00:29:53,296 All right, get over yourself, it's just a cheeky selfie. 590 00:29:53,298 --> 00:29:56,252 BEEP Oh, battery's died. 591 00:29:56,254 --> 00:29:59,256 Just let me turn it on and off. 592 00:29:59,258 --> 00:30:01,294 It takes quite a while. 593 00:30:05,306 --> 00:30:07,298 Have you got a charger? 594 00:30:10,298 --> 00:30:12,300 KNOCK AT DOOR 595 00:30:12,302 --> 00:30:15,260 New boy band Uptown Boys here to see you, sir? 596 00:30:15,262 --> 00:30:17,264 Oh, great, send them in. 597 00:30:17,266 --> 00:30:22,308 Wesley. Hey. Tyler. Hi. Pecs. Hi. 598 00:30:22,310 --> 00:30:25,314 And, er... Mrs Papapopolous. 599 00:30:31,274 --> 00:30:33,256 Sit down, boys and... 600 00:30:33,258 --> 00:30:34,306 Ms Papapopolous. 601 00:30:37,282 --> 00:30:40,288 First of all, we just want to say, thanks for seeing us. 602 00:30:40,290 --> 00:30:42,340 I mean, we really feel like we're ready for the big time. 603 00:30:42,342 --> 00:30:45,344 Yeah, yeah, yeah, we just want to take Uptown Boys to the next level. 604 00:30:45,346 --> 00:30:48,280 So it's all four of you in this band? Yeah. 605 00:30:48,282 --> 00:30:51,256 Yeah, yeah, Uptown Boys has always been about the four of us. 606 00:30:51,258 --> 00:30:52,330 I mean, we're a gang. 607 00:30:54,270 --> 00:30:55,320 So how did you all meet? 608 00:30:55,322 --> 00:30:58,332 Oh, I mean, we've just sort of been friends for ages, really. 609 00:30:58,334 --> 00:31:00,308 I mean, I didn't really know... 610 00:31:00,310 --> 00:31:02,268 Pecs, but... 611 00:31:02,270 --> 00:31:05,248 No, but me and Mrs Papapopolous kind of started it. 612 00:31:05,250 --> 00:31:07,270 We were in the same class at school. 613 00:31:08,306 --> 00:31:12,302 Let's have a reality check here. The image is all wrong. 614 00:31:14,330 --> 00:31:17,336 You don't like the shirts? It's not the shirts. 615 00:31:17,338 --> 00:31:20,280 Uptown Boys isn't just about the image. 616 00:31:20,282 --> 00:31:22,304 We are really passionate about the music. 617 00:31:22,306 --> 00:31:24,328 Then let me hear you sing. 618 00:31:24,330 --> 00:31:26,310 OK. Yeah, yeah. 619 00:31:35,326 --> 00:31:39,288 ♪ Although we've come to the end of the road 620 00:31:39,290 --> 00:31:41,336 MRS PAPAPOPOLOUS MUMBLES TUNELESSLY 621 00:31:41,338 --> 00:31:45,336 ♪ Still I can't let you go 622 00:31:45,338 --> 00:31:50,252 ♪ It's unnatural, you belong to me 623 00:31:50,254 --> 00:31:52,320 ♪ I belong to you, whoa. ♪ 624 00:31:52,322 --> 00:31:54,284 OK, I'm going to stop you there. 625 00:31:54,286 --> 00:31:56,292 MRS PAPAPOPOLOUS KEEPS MUMBLING 626 00:31:56,294 --> 00:31:58,310 I said I've heard enough. 627 00:32:00,282 --> 00:32:04,248 One of you was singing very off key. 628 00:32:04,250 --> 00:32:07,262 Oh, I'm sorry, I've got a bit of a cold. It wasn't you. 629 00:32:10,322 --> 00:32:13,288 OK, tell me what each one of you brings to this band. 630 00:32:13,290 --> 00:32:16,308 Mrs Papapopolous, she has got all of the moves. 631 00:32:16,310 --> 00:32:19,268 Richard, check this. 632 00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:23,270 SHE MUMBLES TUNELESSLY 633 00:32:35,334 --> 00:32:37,344 I think I've seen enough. 634 00:32:37,346 --> 00:32:41,272 Look, we just get on so well. 635 00:32:41,274 --> 00:32:45,300 We're a bit like a family. So let's get this straight. 636 00:32:45,302 --> 00:32:50,320 If I was to sign Uptown Boys, it would have to be all four of you? 637 00:32:50,322 --> 00:32:53,248 Yeah, I mean, we said from the very beginning 638 00:32:53,250 --> 00:32:55,262 that it's the four of us or nothing, so... 639 00:32:57,346 --> 00:33:00,250 Then it's a no. 640 00:33:02,338 --> 00:33:05,272 Oh, well... 641 00:33:05,274 --> 00:33:06,322 thanks for your time. 642 00:33:07,346 --> 00:33:10,322 SHE MUMBLES ANGRILY 643 00:33:15,282 --> 00:33:18,272 Mrs Papapopolous... 644 00:33:18,274 --> 00:33:20,288 can you stay behind, please? 645 00:33:20,290 --> 00:33:22,282 You are the real star of this band. 646 00:33:23,326 --> 00:33:25,324 I want to sign you as a solo artist. 647 00:33:25,326 --> 00:33:30,322 SHE MUMBLES EXCITEDLY 648 00:33:32,334 --> 00:33:35,272 That's the first single! 649 00:33:35,274 --> 00:33:38,308 And that's how you make the perfect choux pastry. 650 00:33:38,310 --> 00:33:41,250 And, cut! That's a wrap. 651 00:33:45,290 --> 00:33:48,272 Is it me or is it hot in here? 652 00:33:48,274 --> 00:33:50,276 You make it hot, Paul. 653 00:33:50,278 --> 00:33:52,304 LAUGHTER 654 00:33:52,306 --> 00:33:54,270 Stop it, Mary! 655 00:33:55,342 --> 00:33:58,262 I can't fight what I feel any longer. 656 00:34:00,258 --> 00:34:01,339 Now I'm getting really hot. 657 00:34:03,274 --> 00:34:06,248 Why did you have to wear that pink blouse today? 658 00:34:06,250 --> 00:34:09,310 Because you said it made me look like a naughty fondant fancy. 659 00:34:11,250 --> 00:34:12,338 You master baker! 660 00:34:15,326 --> 00:34:17,318 I master bake thinking about you. 661 00:34:20,330 --> 00:34:22,304 Well, think on this, Paul. 662 00:34:22,306 --> 00:34:26,258 No-one can make a Victoria sponge as moist as you can. 663 00:34:28,290 --> 00:34:31,264 Please, Mary, we can't do this now. 664 00:34:31,266 --> 00:34:33,268 What if Mel or Sue walk in? 665 00:34:33,270 --> 00:34:34,310 Then let them watch! 666 00:34:35,330 --> 00:34:38,248 Dirty, Mary! 667 00:34:38,250 --> 00:34:41,268 You know when you said that custard tart had a soggy bottom? 668 00:34:41,270 --> 00:34:44,306 All I could think about was you making my bottom soggy. 669 00:34:45,314 --> 00:34:49,266 That's what I wanted you to think, you naughty cake-muncher! 670 00:34:50,298 --> 00:34:54,308 Did you like it when I ate that chocolate eclair, Paul? 671 00:34:54,310 --> 00:34:57,324 Of course I did, Mary. Amazing technique. 672 00:34:57,326 --> 00:34:59,280 You looked me straight in the eyes, 673 00:34:59,282 --> 00:35:03,258 wrapped your lips around it and sucked out all the cream. 674 00:35:05,270 --> 00:35:09,272 A woman of my age knows her way around an eclair, Paul. 675 00:35:09,274 --> 00:35:12,340 And I know my way around a pair of buns. Sticky buns? 676 00:35:12,342 --> 00:35:15,284 They will be when I'm finished with them. 677 00:35:15,286 --> 00:35:17,292 You can't keep doing this to me, Paul! 678 00:35:17,294 --> 00:35:21,336 You know I have a weakness for chubby Scousers with goatee beards. 679 00:35:21,338 --> 00:35:24,284 Tonight's the night, Mary! Paul, we can't! 680 00:35:24,286 --> 00:35:27,344 At midnight, I'm going to knock on your hotel room door 681 00:35:27,346 --> 00:35:30,258 wearing only a ring doughnut. 682 00:35:33,262 --> 00:35:34,290 Two ring doughnuts? 683 00:35:36,258 --> 00:35:37,302 Probably just be the one. 684 00:35:41,290 --> 00:35:44,272 I'll invite you in and then what will happen? 685 00:35:44,274 --> 00:35:45,344 I'll nibble on your meringues. 686 00:35:45,346 --> 00:35:49,292 I guarantee the peaks will be stiff. My muffin will rise. 687 00:35:49,294 --> 00:35:52,268 I want some of your hot, sweet Hollywood custard! 688 00:35:52,270 --> 00:35:53,324 Where do you want it, Mary? 689 00:35:53,326 --> 00:35:56,278 Drizzled all over my hot apple strudel! 690 00:35:57,326 --> 00:36:00,316 I don't know what you mean by that. 691 00:36:00,318 --> 00:36:04,296 But you're making me hotter than a spicy ginger cake. 692 00:36:04,298 --> 00:36:05,324 I'm nearly cooked. 693 00:36:05,326 --> 00:36:07,320 And I'm a gas mark five. 694 00:36:07,322 --> 00:36:09,316 On your marks... Get set... 695 00:36:09,318 --> 00:36:11,274 BOTH: Bake! 696 00:36:13,322 --> 00:36:16,252 APPLAUSE 697 00:36:16,254 --> 00:36:18,272 Well, that's it from the newsroom. 698 00:36:18,274 --> 00:36:20,304 All that remains is for us to wish you all goodnight. 699 00:36:20,306 --> 00:36:22,256 From me, Jenny Mathis... 700 00:36:22,258 --> 00:36:25,268 And from me, Mark Monroe, goodnight. Goodnight. 701 00:36:25,270 --> 00:36:28,272 Sorry, I always do the last goodnight. 702 00:36:28,274 --> 00:36:30,280 Yes, well I thought it was my turn now. 703 00:36:30,282 --> 00:36:32,308 Yeah, but I'm the senior newsreader, so I do it. 704 00:36:32,310 --> 00:36:33,328 Goodnight. N'night. 705 00:36:33,330 --> 00:36:35,316 Don't! 706 00:36:35,318 --> 00:36:37,264 What if I said "N'night"? 707 00:36:37,266 --> 00:36:39,320 Saying "N'night" is exactly the same as saying "Goodnight". 708 00:36:39,322 --> 00:36:42,280 It's not. It is. What does it matter who says...? 709 00:36:42,282 --> 00:36:44,252 If it doesn't matter then I'll do it. 710 00:36:44,254 --> 00:36:45,454 Goodnight. Goodnight. Right... 711 00:36:47,290 --> 00:36:48,490 Don't say anything at all, OK? 712 00:36:50,250 --> 00:36:51,326 Do not utter another word. 713 00:36:56,262 --> 00:36:58,324 Well, that's it from us in the newsroom. 714 00:36:58,326 --> 00:37:02,274 All that remains for us to do is... Goodnight. Right, get out. 715 00:37:03,294 --> 00:37:06,320 You're not serious. Yeah, seriously, get out. Go. 716 00:37:06,322 --> 00:37:08,310 Pffft. 717 00:37:11,250 --> 00:37:12,302 You don't need to do that. 718 00:37:16,290 --> 00:37:18,298 I was going to leave anyway! 719 00:37:20,266 --> 00:37:21,310 Has she gone? 720 00:37:22,318 --> 00:37:26,260 We're back at the same time tomorrow but for now, from me - 721 00:37:26,262 --> 00:37:28,256 and just me alone - let me wish you... 722 00:37:28,258 --> 00:37:29,286 Goodnight! 723 00:37:32,318 --> 00:37:34,346 APPLAUSE 724 00:37:38,274 --> 00:37:41,276 Hello, and welcome to Britain's Greatest Buildings. 725 00:37:41,278 --> 00:37:45,304 Over the next ten weeks I shall be visiting some of this country's... 726 00:37:45,306 --> 00:37:47,344 Selfie? Cheeky selfie? 727 00:37:47,346 --> 00:37:50,320 I'm in the middle of filming! We've already done lots of selfies. 728 00:37:50,322 --> 00:37:53,252 But I've got a stick now, though, ain't I? I don't care. 729 00:37:53,254 --> 00:37:54,272 Don't be a dick. 730 00:37:54,274 --> 00:37:57,312 I'm not going to be spoken to like that and no more selfies. Fine. 731 00:37:57,314 --> 00:37:59,340 Cheeky one? No, go away. 732 00:37:59,342 --> 00:38:02,320 Right, I'm going to go on Twitter right now 733 00:38:02,322 --> 00:38:05,268 and tell everyone how stuck up yourself you are. 734 00:38:05,270 --> 00:38:07,268 What's your name? 735 00:38:07,270 --> 00:38:08,322 Jennifer Saunders. 736 00:38:11,318 --> 00:38:13,330 APPLAUSE