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[ Horn honks ]
[ Siren wails ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
Hello.
PETRONELLA: Martin? You called?
Yes.
I think we need to talk. Don't you?
- Petronella? - Hang on a minute.
[ Horn honking ]
- Hello... Petronella? - Martin?
Martin, what's wrong?
Oh, hang on.
No, you don't.
Oh, look, please. Please, that's my space.
I was just about to back in there.
Oh, come on. Oh, please.
Look, I've... I've driven for 55 minutes...
I've traveled four miles!
Did you hear what I just said?!
[ Thud, car alarm blares ]
[ Indistinct talking ]
[ Laughter ]
Heads up. He's finally made it.
Thought you weren't gonna make it.
[ Growls ] I need a drink.
- Martin. - How are you, Andrew?
Better for seeing you, Mart.
Bloody good to see you too.
God, I've been looking forward to this for ages.
- Have you ordered? - No.
[ Pops ]
- How many is that? - Eight.
[ Whistles ]
Not another one?
Do you know, Mart, you're the only obstetrician
in the whole of London that ever takes us out for a meal.
Isn't old Mart a nice guy?
He is.
[ Chuckles ] What are friends for?
Hear, hear.
Can I ask you a really embarrassing question?
You don't think Petronella's having an affair, do you?
[ Coughs ]
TIM: Why would you think that?
- I've just got this feeling. - Ah, you're being paranoid.
No.
No, I'm sure she's having an affair.
I just don't have any proof.
Last night she said she was working late at the hospital
with Dr. Greenberg.
But then when I called, she wasn't there,
and they weren't expecting her.
Well, where was she?
I don't know. I'm gonna ask her tonight.
Mart, if we hear anything... anything at all...
we'll tell you, okay?
I wouldn't worry about it. She's not having an affair.
She loves you. Doesn't she?
HARRY: Sure does.
Yeah. Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm being paranoid.
I should just take her out to dinner
and clear the air, shouldn't I?
That is what you need to do.
Hello, it's Martin Bamford here.
Could you page my wife and ask her call me on my mobile?
Thank you.
There. That's... That's done.
Brandy?
Ah, I think we've had enough.
[ Pager beeps ]
MARTIN: All right, I'll get the bill when I come back.
Excuse me.
"Call your husband."
Have you got Petronella's beeper?
ANDREW: No.
Then why did the hospital just page you?
It's all right. He didn't hear.
But she's not going to call, is she?
Not if he's got her beeper.
Look, look.
Uh, when Mart comes back,
I'll go to the bathroom, I'll call the hospital,
have them page Andrew's beeper,
and then she'll get the message to call him.
It'll be fine.
Hello, this is Martin Bamford again.
Did you just page my wife?
Yes, Doctor.
I see.
Could you page Dr. Andrew McPherson for me
and have him call his husband?
- I'm sorry? - Just do it. Thank you.
That's better.
[ Clears throat ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh!
Petronella.
PETRONELLA: Martin?
Just finishing off lunch with our good friends
Tim, Harry, and Andrew.
Are you drunk, Martin?
- Not yet. - What do you want?
Ah, I'll tell you when I see you.
You'll be in your office in about 20 minutes?
- No, I was... - Yes, you will.
I'll see you then. Bye for now.
Where were we?
- Everything all right, Mart? - No.
What are you doing with my wife's beeper?
What?
More importantly, what's she doing with yours?
I just called the hospital again and had them page you,
asking you to call your husband... me.
Which worked, because she just called.
Now, what worries me is Petronella's pager
is always attached to her belt.
She never takes the beeper off that belt.
Unless she's taking her clothes off.
I'm sure there's a simple explanation
but the only one I can think of, I don't like.
Well, it must have been in, uh...
the changing rooms at the leisure complex, Mart.
Where we all play squash.
But you don't change in the ladies, Andrew, do you?
Do you know what I think happened?
Last night Petronella spent the evening with you...
not with Dr. Greenberg...
presumably in your flat, and probably in your bed,
until the hospital paged her.
[ Pager beeps ]
ANDREW: Oh, God.
"Mrs. Bamford to casualty. Emergency."
Martin, don't be so silly.
Let me finish.
My wife is body shy.
She never likes to dress with the light on.
She has a nasty scar on her tummy
from a bicycle accident as a child.
But she's in a terrible hurry.
She doesn't want to be late and have this go on her record.
And in the darkness, she picks up the wrong beeper.
Now, that's what I think happened.
I'm not the only one.
What?
Am I?
Mart, look...
Don't tell me you've slept with her too.
Anybody else?
[ Laughs nervously ]
Me too.
You've all slept with her?
Don't worry about the bill, Mart.
Lunch is on us. Heh.
I can't talk now. I'll call you back.
Do you want to sit down?
Why did you do it?
You're never around.
That's your excuse? I'm never around?
What about we don't have sex anymore?
That's not my fault.
I'm ready.
What... What do you want me to say, Martin?
Just the truth, that's all. Just the truth.
Because I really don't understand.
I'm not sure I have the courage to tell you the truth.
Well, when you do have the courage, give me a call.
Where are you going?
Away.
I don't know.
Martin?
Where's my car?
I gave it to a young man who said how much he liked it.
- Paddington station, please. - Paddington. Right, sir.
Hello, Clare. it's Martin. How are you?
Good. I'm fine, thank you.
Look, can you cancel my appointments
for the next seven days?
No, nothing's wrong. I just need to get away for a few days.
Cornwall.
What's so funny?
No, it'll be beautiful at this time of year.
Mm? Uh, in a pub.
Listen, if and when my wife calls,
just don't let on you know where I am.
Clare? Did you hear that? Clare?
I'll call you later.
MAN ON P.A.: If you want a taxi, sir, his name is Mitch,
and he's parked outside.
MITCH: So, what brings you down
to this lovely part of the world, then, sir?
MARTIN: Thought it would be nice to get away for a few days.
Picked a lovely time of year to visit, sir.
[ Engine sputters ]
Something wrong?
Think we might be out of petrol, sir.
You are joking?
You carry a spare can, don't you?
No, sir.
No, of course you don't.
[ Pills rattling ]
How far is it to the village?
Did you hear me?
[ Thunder rumbles ]
Antidepressants.
I prefer to call 'em happy pills, sir.
Is there someone we can phone?
Aye, but you won't get a signal there, sir.
How far did you say it was to Port Isaac?
A couple of mile, maybe.
Right, well, we'll just have to walk, won't we?
[ Thunder crashes ]
This way?
Aye, that's it, sir. Mind how you go.
- [ Grunts ] - [ Splashes ]
You okay?
Find anything, sir?
Really expensive pair of shoes!
Never mind! We'll just carry on, will we?!
Well, they'll probably find them in the morning, sir.
Then again, sheep like shoes.
§ Now, it seems like days §
§ Roll into one §
§ Sleep through rain §
§ And sleep in the sun §
§ Although we lie awake every night
§ Searching for fun §
§ Oh, but it never comes §
§ it never comes §
[ Beeps ]
Sorry.
Hey!
Dropped your glove.
CHARLEY: Night, Alistair.
[ Door closes ]
BILLY: Double or quits?
What's the pot now?
- 40p. - [ Whistles ]
You feeling lucky, Billy?
Am I feeling lucky?
Who's the poor bastard with no deckhand?
It's not me, pal.
Might even have a lie-in tomorrow,
give my Odette a thrill.
Billy, your problem has always been a lack of imagination.
- Is that right? - I think so, yeah.
Me, I could easily imagine
someone walking through that door in the next 15 minutes...
What, and him go fishing with you?
If that's what you're thinking, Harvey,
you're even dafter than I thought.
No offense, Harvey, but he's right.
You're not gonna find anyone.
14 hours is a bloody long time
to be stuck on a lobster boat with you.
Vicar, are you gonna help me out?
Jesus was a fisherman.
Not in Cornwall.
Ah, now that, right, is where you're wrong.
Just shut up and play the game, will you?
- I got proof. - Play the game!
Six.
You lose.
[ Knock on door ]
CHARLEY: Who is it?
It's Mitch. Got a guest for you here.
Welcome, sir.
- Coming in, Mitch? - No, no.
No bags, sir?
No bags and no shoes.
Traveling light, eh?
Lost his shoes in Arthur's bog.
Right. Night, then, Mister...
- Brown. - Oh!
This way, sir.
What can I get you, sir?
Um, whiskey, please.
Whiskey it is.
Oh.
There you are, sir.
- Thank you. - [ Door closes ]
That's my stool.
I says that's my stool.
- [ Beeps ] - Bastard's wet my stool.
Sorry.
HARVEY: There's a pay phone in the saloon.
MARTIN: I'm waiting for a call, thanks.
Ah, well, sea's the only place you'll get a signal with that.
- I don't have a boat. - I do.
You ever been lobster fishing?
No.
Would you like to go?
Yeah, it's just I'm short of a hand.
If you'd like to come with me tomorrow,
I'll be happy to take you.
I'll see how I get on this evening.
Thanks.
Well, I'm leaving at 7:00 from the slipway.
Can I have another one of those please?
Right you are, sir.
Our honeymoon suite, sir.
Oh.
Uh, have you any single rooms?
All are currently being refurbished.
But I'll only charge you for a double.
And you can drink all the ale you want.
We ran out of champagne.
If you're a literary man, I'll throw in a copy
of Daphne du Maurier's "Frenchman's Creek."
Sweeten your dreams.
I don't think I'll be doing much sleeping.
Really?
Thank you. Good night.
Not here to sleep.
So why is he here?
Did you see the glove?
He looks familiar.
[ Sighs ]
Ow!
Cow!
[ Seagulls squawking ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Woman moaning ecstatically ]
BILLY: He scored!
[ Both breathing heavily ]
[ Doorbell rings ]
Get the door, Billy.
[ Both laugh ]
Oh, no.
Not us.
ODETTE: What is it, lover?
We got a jelly.
It was a woman! I saw her!
She was wearing yellow marigolds!
It's all right.
Morning.
Does that offer still stand?
- Is that all you got to wear? - Yep.
Come on, then.
[ Indistinct talking ]
I swear to God, Odette.
I swear to God I done nothing wrong.
What about you?
You done anything I should know about?
No.
So then you won't mind if I cut open this jelly?
No.
Right, then.
Them's my pots.
On Harvey's truck?
Harvey's been stealing my pots.
Billy, Harvey's no thief.
Odette, the jelly maker don't lie!
Oi.
What you doing there?
This your cab?
You know it is, John.
Why is there pink agricultural diesel in the tank?
How did you know?
No.
A jelly.
[ Knock on door ]
[ Coughing ]
Justine. What can I do for you?
- Are you alone? - That's none of your business.
What do you want?
I saw the jelly maker.
Left a jelly outside Billy May's.
Makes you wonder what he's been doing, doesn't it?
Makes you wonder. Not the rest of us.
Well, I thought you might have seen her as she ran by.
- No. - Wearing gloves.
Just like them.
I didn't see anything.
How is your friendship with Odette these days?
JOHNNY: Mum? Harvey's on the radio.
Don't try accusing me of being the jelly maker.
Go home, Justine.
[ Coughing ]
Morning, Harvey.
HARVEY: Morning, beautiful. How you doing?
RITA: Fine.
- How's my little godson today? - Had a bad night.
What are you doing out? I thought Boy was sick.
He is.
I found a new replacement.
RITA: Who?
HARVEY: Some bloke. Came in the pub late last night.
- RITA: What's he do? - No idea.
- A stranger? - Yeah.
Arrived with no bags and no shoes.
Come on!
Come on, you bloody phone!
Bloody! Bloody! Bloody!
Ah!
HARVEY: I'm wondering if he's in some kind of trouble.
With the police?
Well, he seems sort of desperate.
There you go! I've got a signal, Harvey!
You be careful, Harvey!
I will.
Who's that?
HARVEY: That's Merlin.
He lives on the boat. He protects us.
What from?
You want to start cutting some bait
so we're ready when we get to the first string?
Where is it?
Oh.
I can smell the graveyard.
Boy, what you can smell is your dirty old corpse.
Why don't you go home and take a bath?
You're getting my maggots excited.
My days at sea are finished.
So who's out crewing for your boss, then?
I tell you, if I can't work on the boats, I don't want to live.
I don't. Dr. Cadbury says...
Boy, who's fishing with Harvey?
I don't know!
And I don't care.
BILLY ON RADIO: Harvey? You out there?
Come back.
HARVEY: Morning, Billy.
What you doing out today, Harvey?
HARVEY: Found a hand.
Oh, yeah? Who's that, then?
Your friend. Stool bandit.
BILLY: Yeah, another criminal.
What do you mean?
I thought you was short of pots.
Found some more.
Yeah. I'll bet you did.
MARTIN: Bastard! Bloody anesthetists!
Bastard! Bloody!
Oh, hello, Andrew.
I'm so sorry to hear you've been having
a little bit of trouble downstairs.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to operate
without an anesthetic at all!
Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
Timmy, same thing for you?
Little bit of trouble downstairs?
Well, sorry, you bastard!
Bastards!
Oh, this is lovely, Vicar. [ Chuckles ]
I shall enjoy this view.
Are you absolutely sure you're going to need it?
I get these terrible pains in the morning.
It's just a question of time, you know?
I've got to go to the hospital for a test but...
Is something wrong?
I'm not rotting next to that bastard.
He stole two of my chickens.
What else you got?
I don't want to see that Dr. Cadbury, Mum.
He's shite.
He's the doctor, Johnny.
He's going to make you better. Trust me.
JOHNNY: He isn't.
Just give it another chance, please?
- [ Vomiting ] - [ Water running ]
[ Water stops running ]
Are you all right, Doctor?
Oh, yes, yes. Fine, thank you, yes.
Now, where were we?
Mmm.
Ah, yes. Antibiotics.
I've tried them for three months.
I still can't play football. They don't work.
Well...
If these don't work. [Chuckles]
I'm not a doctor, huh?
There you are.
Grand. Thanks very much.
I think there's been some mistake.
Mistake?
No. No mistake.
Just take them three times a day.
I'm sure he'll be fine.
Come on, Johnny.
What the hell's that?
That's a conger eel.
I know a man, Harold Jay, landed a conger on his boat.
He had a mouth like that.
Harold, he was so scared,
he went and got his pistol from the pilothouse,
started shooting the bastard.
Did he get it?
Oh, yeah. Sunk the boat.
I like guns.
- Have you ever shot anyone? - No. You?
Not yet.
Always a first time, though, isn't there?
Are you sure this fellow is out?
Positive.
I'll stay here.
You're not coming up?
If he finds the both of us up there,
he's sure to smell a rat.
But on your own, it's all right. It's your pub.
[ Jingling ]
Mrs. Gorrie.
RITA: So when Harvey told me
he thought this man was in some kind of trouble,
I thought, "I'll have a look 'round whilst I'm cleaning"
and see if anything turns up."
His name is Dr. Bamford, not Mr. Brown.
Unless that's an alias.
You know the phantom struck again?
Billy May.
- Why Billy? - Why anyone?
Truth is this phantom's got a bloody ax to grind
against the whole village.
Do you remember a case against some doctor at Treneng?
Sometime ago it was.
He misdiagnosed an outbreak of E. coli at Tintagel.
Tintagel had the squits for a week.
Blamed us for their water.
Until they found out the doc had got it wrong.
They took him to court.
He got struck off.
This Dr. Bamford's him?
And he's come back to take his revenge on us?
No, come on.
How do you explain...
this?
- Wuh! - Oh!
Oh! Easy there.
Here.
[ Groans ] Right.
Now what?
Stick him under that cloth there.
Smother him?
I like it.
Well?
He's not Mr. Brown.
Aha.
I knew there was something funny about him.
So who is he?
Dr. Bamford.
Of Treneng.
North-south, please!
Righto!
This is great.
I like it.
How long have you been fishing?
Since I was a boy.
What a life.
You? What brings you down here?
Rather not talk about me, if you don't mind.
Fair enough.
Do you know what I liked most about today?
What?
I didn't have a minute to think about things.
HARVEY: Like what?
I'm gonna have to kill her.
HARVEY: Pete does a daily run to London
to supply to a handful of the best restaurants.
It's cash, so it's off the books.
Right, how much do you owe us, then?
500.
I'll have that. Thank you very much.
Mal, you can't take the money.
I'm broke. I need the diesel.
You keep up the good work, Harvey.
Only 22 grand to go.
Don't you own your boat?
I got a mortgage like everybody else.
Only he's the bank.
He owns a piece of most of the boats on the north coast.
Oi! I want to talk to you.
Where's my pots, you thieving bastard?
Billy, what are you talking about?
My string at Pentargon. It's gone.
I checked it this afternoon. I know you've took it!
- Now, now... - Nobody's talking to you, mate!
Billy, take your hands off him! I haven't got your pots.
No?
So, what's this, then, eh? What's that?
Where'd you get this?
A jelly.
Why would I steal your pots?
Because you lost a lot in the last storm, and you're broke.
Billy, if it makes you feel better,
you can go and haul every single pot I got.
But I guarantee you, you ain't gonna find one belonging to you.
Now, whoever gave you this
is trying to stir it up between us two.
I hope you're telling the truth, Harvey.
Because if I find you're lying, you're a dead man.
You hear me?
Jelly?
Three words... Lee Harvey Oswald.
Right.
In the village, currently using the jellies
for the preferred weapon for the hit.
What, to kill President Kennedy?
Not to kill Kennedy. Kennedy's dead, isn't he?
Um, yeah, but you said...
Lee Harvey Oswald was an assassin.
That's what we got in this village.
- Who uses jellies. - Right.
To kill people.
No one uses a jelly to kill someone.
What you gonna do, suffocate him? No.
What's inside the jellies is causing all the trouble.
That's why we've got to find out who it is
before something terrible happens.
[ Laughs ]
Not funny.
Last week we lost our butcher because his wife found out
he was having an affair with his trainee.
Wife got a jelly.
Oh, God, is that, um...
My wife hates this stuff.
Thanks. [ Snorts ]
[ Snorts ]
[ Coughs ]
§ Ranzo, Ranzo §
§ Way-hey, Ranzo §
§ I said to her, "How are you on this fine summer's morning?" §
HARVEY: What are you drinking?
- Who's she? - That's Rita.
- Mrs. Gorrie to you. - Missis?
You want to leave her alone. Her husband's a jealous bastard.
- What does he do? - Demolition expert.
But he's got a very short fuse.
Well, that's understandable.
She does have a-a beautiful voice.
That's one way of putting it. Drink?
MARTIN: Good idea.
Pint of Tinners, then. Cheers.
- You'd better make that two. - Coming right up, sir.
[ Applause ]
§ As I was going over the Cork and Kerry Mountain §
§ I met with Captain Farrell, and his money he was countin' §
§ I first produced my pistol and then produced my rapier §
§ Saying, "Stand and deliver, for I am a bold deceiver" §
§ Ring dum a doo dum da §
§ Whack fol de daddy o §
§ There's whiskey in the jar §
Did Alistair tell you about his stag do the other week?
Wild one?
He spent the day picking up litter on the beach.
Alistair's saving the planet.
Well, good for you.
4 pounds please, Mister... Brown.
What are you gonna do tomorrow, then?
Come back out with you again. If that's okay.
You're staying, then, sir?
Yeah. Hopefully I'll have a better night than last night.
- In what way might that be, sir? - Doesn't matter.
HARVEY: Judith!
How are you, lover?
Judith, this is...
- Martin. - Hi.
- Can I have a word? - Yeah.
Excuse us.
Married to Dr. Cadbury.
§ When I awoke next morning §
§ Twixt the hours of 6:00 and 7:00 §
§ There stood Captain Farrell and likewise darling Jenny §
§ I went to try my pistols §
Bugger me, I need a drink. Evening, Justine.
Mitch.
Bloody jelly maker. May lose my license now.
How the hell did that bastard know I was running ag diesel?
We think our guest
might have something to do with the jellies.
Really?
He's a doctor, you know? Dr. Bamford.
But the village has already got a doctor.
Yes, I know, but what's he doing here, then?
You don't think he might be the man you got struck off?
If it was him...
He could be our jelly maker.
DR. CADBURY: Could be.
Could be.
§ Ring dum a doo dum da §
§ Whack fol de daddy o §
Blimey.
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Coughs ]
[ Door closes ]
[ Sighs ]
Oh.
You gave me a fright.
What are you doing sitting here in the dark?
Where have you been?
Out.
Where, Judith?
With Harvey.
Oh, and how is dear Harvey?
Looks like he's found someone to take Boy's place on the boat.
The man's a doctor, you know?
From Treneng.
What's he doing here?
Why don't you ask him?
[ Gunshots ]
[ Coughing ]
Everything all right, Johnny?
Not really.
[ Coughing ]
I'll go and talk to the doctor.
Don't bother. He's pants.
Not him. Another one.
- I'll be back in a minute. - [ Coughing ]
- [ Woman screaming ] - MAN: Be off!
The sight of you disturbs her.
WOMAN: Don't, sir. We're all she has.
WOMAN #2: Put her down, you loathsome creature!
[ Screaming continues ]
MAN: [ Speaks indistinctly ] I want nails and some wood.
[ Screaming continues ]
Fetch an apothecary.
Make haste, now!
See how dawn quits the horizon!
WOMAN: I fear we may be too late!
- [ Knock on door ] - [ Screams ]
See how the creature shrinks from the light!
You're a doctor, aren't you?
- Uh, yes. - I need your help.
Oh, my God!
It's coming for her! [ Screams ]
- [ Door closes ] - MAN: Stand by.
WOMAN: I don't know how I can stand it!
[ Screaming continues, indistinct talking ]
[ Suspenseful music playing ]
[ Coughing ]
- [ Door closes ] - RITA: Johnny?
I've brought someone to see you.
Hello, Johnny.
- Who are you? - I'm a doctor.
Your mum tells me
you've been having a bit of trouble playing football.
And you've had a nasty cough for how long?
Three months.
Three months. Poor you.
I'm gonna have to listen to your chest, Johnny.
Do you want to sit up?
That's it.
Breathe in.
Go on.
MARTIN: Deeper.
And out.
Sounds like ball bearings in a Magimix.
- Do you cough at night a lot? - All night.
All night? Hmm.
Have you got a balloon, Johnny?
Uh, yeah.
[ Coughing ]
You see if you can blow that up for me.
Why?
It'll show me how strong your lungs are.
[ Coughing ]
Oh, that's enough, that's enough, that's enough.
Okay.
I think you've got asthma.
RITA: Not a chest infection?
MARTIN: No, I don't think so.
So, what do we do?
Get along to your G. P.
Ask him to prescribe something called Becotine.
And you'll need a Ventolin inhaler.
Don't tell him I told you so. He won't like that at all.
Huh, sure.
What's a Becotine?
Becotine and the inhaler
is what's gonna help you play football.
A friend of mine uses an inhaler.
- Can he play football? - Yeah.
Well, there you go, then.
I'm not actually a doctor. Not anymore.
I'm an obstetrician.
Well, you should be a doctor.
- Can I ask you a question? - Go ahead.
Why did you check in under a false name?
Um, I didn't want my wife to find me.
Oh.
Are you staying long?
I don't know.
Must be a very busy man.
Um, I was. I don't know how busy I'll be when I get back.
- Your husband's... - He's away a lot.
Right, well, I'd better be off.
Well, thanks very much for coming.
Anytime. Anytime. Yeah.
- He's a nice boy. - Thank you.
[ Doorbell rings ]
"Mrs. Gorrie. Three packs."
Mitch was in here. He loves his sherry.
- Two packs. - [ Door opens ]
Morning.
And what flavor jelly do you have?
[ Door opens ]
What's the matter with you?
I thought you'd stopped all that twaddle.
I'm trying. I'm trying.
Oh, Vicar.
You can't believe all that nonsense, not as a clergyman.
Was it in a...
Jeepers!
But I saw him.
Him? It's a her.
Our stranger.
So...
There are two of them.
Like in "Scream"!
Two killers.
Now, that's very clever.
We must call a meeting.
Call a meeting and confront them.
All of us.
We'll force a confession out of our two phantoms.
- What flavor was it? - Hmm?
Jelly.
Oh! [ Laughs ] Green. Lime.
What was in it?
That, uh, thingy you gave me.
- Bring it with you? - [ Cellphone rings ]
- Hello. - PETRONELLA: Martin?
Petronella, hi. How are you?
It's my wife.
I'm fine. How... How are you?
Me too.
- Where are you? - On a boat.
Well, what are you doing on a boat?
I got the crabs. Heh.
No. I'm holding a crab.
I'm on a lobster boat fishing for crabs.
Why?
It's a nice thing to do in the afternoon.
Well, it sounds like you're enjoying yourself.
Yeah. Yeah, I am.
Well, why don't you stay a little longer?
Probably do you the world of good.
What?
Well, if you're having such a good time,
come home when you're ready.
We can talk about things then.
Did you hear what I said, Martin?
Yes.
- Don't be like that. - Like what?
You know, angry.
I need some time. This isn't easy for me.
Well, what about me?
I need time to think about us.
What I want.
And what you want.
I miss you.
Me too.
Oh.
Shit!
Bugger.
Blast.
[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh.
You all right?
Ah, I should never have answered that call.
That bloody woman. That's all she knows how to...
Bitch.
Oh, sorry.
You probably don't want to hear this, but...
You know how it is
when you think you've got someone completely sussed.
She's got no real concept of honesty.
She chooses to lie if it suits her.
She doesn't see it as lying.
She just chooses not to use the truth.
I bet she's still having an affair.
Oh, yeah? Who is he?
He? They.
My so-called friends.
They all had her.
Three young anesthetists.
What, like in a gang bang?
- No, one after the other. - Oh.
You know, she's one of these people that wears their horizons
right on the end of their nose.
Everything has to be about her.
Her kitchen, her marriage, her bloody anesthetists.
- Oh! When I first met her... - Pint?
Yes. Sorry.
- HARVEY: So now what? - I haven't got a clue, Harvey.
I'm... I'm jobless, wifeless, homeless.
Bloody gormless.
There's a village meeting tonight.
Would you like to come?
- Me? - Why not?
Well, thank you very much. Thanks.
If we're going to this meeting,
there's something we got to do first, matey.
Follow me.
So, what are you gonna do?
[ Inhales slowly ]
Kill 'em.
Maybe she doesn't love you.
MARTIN: She loves me, all right.
HARVEY: Ah, well, it depends
what you mean by love, though, doesn't it?
[ Coughing ]
Maybe she loves you. Maybe she's not "in love" with you.
No woman sleeps with three other men if she's married unless...
[ Choking ]
MARTIN: Billy?
Harvey, have you got a knife?
What are you gonna do?
I'm just going to stab him in the throat.
[ Inhales ]
There you go. Thank you.
Have you got a Biro or a piece of tube or something?
No.
Do you want to go and have a look for a hose
or a piece of bamboo?
Something like that. Quite quickly, please.
This all right, Doc?
[ Choking ]
[ Inhales ]
Um, yeah. A little bit long.
You want to cut about six inches off the end, please?
There we go.
[ Choking ]
[ Blows ]
Little bit of sheep shit in there.
That's better.
Right, now let's...
Ooh, what have we got?
Oh!
Ugh.
Make a wish?
Hello.
Hello. There we go.
Just clean you up and put a dressing on that,
you'll be right as rain.
[ Softly ] I thought that was the end.
What the hell are you doing up here anyway?
I thought you'd hid my pots.
Up here?
Jesus, Billy.
I told you I don't have your pots.
Let's get him home before I kill the bastard.
MARTIN: That's it. Up you go.
[ Indistinct talking ]
Harvey!
Why don't you and your friend come and sit down here in front?
Next to Mrs. Gorrie.
How's your boy?
- Much better, thanks. - Good. Good.
[ Gavel pounding ]
JUSTINE: Now, this won't take long.
I called this meeting because I now have sufficient evidence
to unmask our phantom.
[ Crowd murmuring ]
Justine, a phantom usually don't wear a mask.
[ Laughter ]
Or should I say phantoms?
And what have you got to say for yourself, Mr. Brown?
Or should I say Dr. Bamford?
Justine, are you accusing him of being the phantom?
JUSTINE: One of them.
Ah, don't be so bloody ridiculous.
He's no woman, Justine. I've got bigger tits than him.
[ Laughter ]
That's why he needs an accomplice.
Don't you, Doctor?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Let me tell you something, Doctor.
We may live in the country, but we are not ignorant.
[ Murmuring ]
Yeah, lynch the bastard!
He don't even live in Cornwall, for Christ's sake.
Now, tell us, please...
What is your relationship with Mrs. Gorrie?
She's a friend.
Just a friend?
Yes.
Then what were you doing at her house last night?
I don't believe this. She needed my help.
To deliver something?
She was worried about her boy's health,
and she wanted me to have a look at him.
Why are you really here, Doctor?
You don't want to know.
He's right. I can vouch for that. We don't.
Yes, we do.
Unless he's hiding something.
What are you hiding, Doctor?
Thief!
Sod this.
JUSTINE: You see?!
Guilty!
Okay!
Okay, I'll tell you why I'm here.
Three days ago
I took three friends out to lunch
only to discover they'd all been sleeping with my wife.
- WOMAN: Witch! - MAN: What's her phone number?
Let the man speak.
But why come here?
I used to come here when I was a child.
It's lovely here.
Look, I'm not your phantom.
I got a jelly myself, for Christ's sake.
MAN: And what was in it?
- None of your bloody business. - We have a right to know.
Justine, have you had a jelly?
- No. - Why not?
Are you accusing me of being the jelly maker?
If the cap fits, wear it.
WOMAN: You sell everything the jelly maker uses!
You do, Justine.
MAN: And for 15p more than anyone else on the north coast.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
That's not true!
MAN: Bloody is, you old pike!
Who said that?!
§ Do you love an apple? §
§ Do you love a pear? §
§ Do you love a laddie with curly brown hair? §
§ But still I love him §
§ Can't deny him §
§ I'll go with him wherever he goes §
§ Before I was married I wore a plaid shawl §
§ Now I'm married, I wear bugger all §
§ But still I love him §
§ Can't deny him §
§ I'll go with him wherever he goes §
Why do you fish?
My father fished.
So did my grandfather, and so did his father.
So you knew it was what you were put here to do?
No. I couldn't get a job as a policeman.
[ Laughs ] Joke.
You?
The funny thing is I'd completely forgotten
why I wanted to be a doctor until I knifed Billy May.
[ Laughs ]
No, but things like that. Saving people's lives.
When I was younger, all I wanted to be was a G. P.
Then I met Petronella,
and we decided I should be rich instead.
Go back to being a doctor.
Ah, it's not that easy.
Hi, Clare. It's me.
Morning.
Harvey.
Oh, hello.
Yeah, I heard about your office phoning.
Anyway, nice to meet you. Cheers.
Look, Harvey, you're having a problem
servicing the debt on your boat, right?
20 grand? Something like that?
Something like that.
Well, I've got that money in the bank.
- Good for you. - No, you don't understand.
I'm offering to give you that money
in exchange for a share in your boat.
Martin, you're a doctor, not a fisherman.
I'm an obstetrician actually. I was an obstetrician.
But I don't want to do that anymore.
I want to fish.
This isn't about fishing, though, is it?
Yes, it is.
Well, I'll think about it.
[ Laughs ]
Boy.
[ Groans ]
Oh, God.
Here. Sit yourself down.
[ Groans ] I'm dying.
Where does it hurt?
At the center. It's burning me.
There? Let's have a little listen.
[ Groans ]
Has this happened before?
Oh, in the mornings.
Every morning?
Yeah.
After a good skinful the night before?
Couple of pints.
I see. Can I have a look at your tongue, please?
Oh, Boy. Ha. There we go.
Well, I don't think you're dying, Boy.
I don't care anyway.
What you should do is get yourself to the chemist
and pick up a bottle of something called Gaviscon.
Have a little swig of that in the morning.
That should get rid of your chest pains.
You come down here with your big, fat city checkbook
and think you can buy anything you want.
I've been working on fishing boats since I was 13.
You've stolen my life.
Oh. There you are.
Morning, Justine.
When are you leaving?
I don't know.
You'll never be accepted here. You know that, don't you?
You belong in the city.
Not here with us.
You okay?
Fine.
Anything you want to talk about?
Uh, no. Thanks.
Harvey.
- I can't do this. - What do you mean?
I'm not a fisherman.
I know.
[ Door opens ]
[ Door closes ]
Hello, Martin.
You look terrific.
[ Sighs ]
I've missed you so much.
Harvey, this is my wife, Petronella. My wife.
This is Harvey.
I expect you've heard a lot about me.
No, I'm afraid Martin never said a word.
Harvey.
I've, um...
I've come to take you home.
No.
Why not?
There are some things I have to work out.
I don't want to sleep with you at present.
When will you want to sleep with me?
I thought we could go to counseling,
work it out together.
Okay.
[ Crying ]
Oh, hey.
It's all s-such a terrible mess.
It'll be all right.
Hope so.
Hey!
Wait!
Harvey!
Harvey! The jelly maker!
Right behind you, Doc!
The bastard must have fallen off the roof there.
This way.
Follow me!
Dr. Cadbury.
Oh, bugger off, Bamford!
Oh!
You all right, Doc? Come on.
Doctor!
Dr. Cadbury?
Crikey.
Doctor?
Yah!
Bamford, you invade my territory, we war!
Yah!
JUDITH: Oh, no, we don't, Lawrence.
Put the jelly down.
Judith?
What are you doing wearing my clothes?
MARTIN: He's the phantom.
Yes. I can see that.
But what's wrong with him?
Doctor...
Why don't you come upstairs and let me have a look at you?
Never!
Lawrence.
Please.
[ Sighs ]
Ohh...
All right, then!
[ Sighs ]
How serious is it?
Serious?! I'll tell you what's serious.
You having an affair with Harvey.
That's bloody serious.
Lawrence, Harvey's my brother.
So? We've all been to Padstow.
We all know what happens down here.
- Has he been sick recently? - In the mornings.
Women get away with everything.
That bitch Myra! Ruined my career!
- An American student. - Loved jello!
But I learned quite a bit from that little minx!
I'll call an ambulance.
Everybody's got a grubby little secret!
People don't like you, give them a jelly.
Your wife starts shagging her brother, get him a jelly.
A new doctor comes to take your job...
Bamford.
You are a fake.
What's wrong with him?
Could be one of a number of things.
[ Laughs ] Oh, listen to you.
[ Laughs ]
You don't even know what you're talking about.
Is it curable?
Curable?! Who said I want to be cured?
I want to be grilled!
[ Softly ] I owe you both an apology.
Pardon?
No, I'm just...
I better get cleaned up.
- You're leaving us, Doc? - Yep.
I wish you luck.
Thanks.
- Harvey. - You take care, Doc.
You come back and visit us sometime, eh?
Yeah. Yeah.
Vicar.
10 minutes, please.
See you.
There you go. All set, then, Doc?
Yes.
Stop.
You're off, then?
Yes.
Nice meeting you.
You too.
Thanks.
My pleasure.
Come on, Johnny.
So, what was his wife like, then?
Very nice.
I hear she's a right old witch.
Had him wrapped 'round her little pinkie finger
doing something that he hates.
What else is he gonna do? He's no fisherman.
PETRONELLA: It's a perfect opportunity.
- Martin? - Hm?
- What? - Dinner with the Baxters.
Oh, yes.
All you need to say is, "I had to get away."
She'll understand.
I guess we could come back for holidays.
Mm.
Oh.
Cheers. Bye, then, Doc.
Bye-bye, Mitch.
Take care.
So, what are you gonna say to him?
The village needs him.
And what about his wife?
Oh, she's not in love with him.
- He was her first love, see? - Yeah?
She's never had any other men.
Having other men is something she feels she's missed out on.
That's why she went off shagging.
They're just good friends.
You reckon?
Put your foot down, will you?
Uh, you won't get a signal.
Maybe the train will be late.
Yeah.
We missed him.
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm gonna be a doctor.
[ Both laugh ]
Where am I taking you, Doc?
The pub!
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