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Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
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I love being a stand-up comedian.
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It's the best job in the world.
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And I love being an L.A. comic.
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Bam!
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Alfred the assassin.
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As a comic, what you're supposed to do
is live your life and report it.
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Anytime I do
something nice for you,
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- you shit on me!
- When is that?!
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I love the whole process.
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You have a little dick.
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Writing. Performing.
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Figuring out how to make a joke work.
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It's the best.
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But most of all,
I love meeting the people of this city.
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- They always inspire me.
- Hey!
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Tom Segura!
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Bite me in my ass, man! Aah!
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You have to do it!
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I love them.
They have nothing but admiration for me.
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Yeah, after work we can do whatever, man.
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I just know there's no stopping us.
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Hey! Who this fat-ass nigger right here?
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What's up, fat boy?
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- 'Sup?
- Making a food show, bitch?
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- No.
- You should.
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Bam! 'Cause you fat as fuck!
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This fat motherfucker right here, man.
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- You got pancake titties.
- You do!
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Fuck this city.
I'm re-shooting this thing.
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Eat a dick, Paul Blart.
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This fat motherfucker, man.
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Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Segura!
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What up?
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Thank you! Thank you, guys.
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Thank you very much.
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It's great to be in Seattle.
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Yes.
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One of my favorite places,
and I am fucking falling apart.
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All right, um...
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I hate who I'm becoming, socially.
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Like, all my social interactions,
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I'm disintegrating into somebody
I want to punch in the mouth.
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Like, I start weather chats
with people all the time now,
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like, ugh.
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I got off the plane here, and the guy
that picks me up at the airport,
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I was like, "It rains a lot here, huh?"
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And I swear,
there's another voice in my head going,
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"You're a piece of shit
for this conversation."
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What's the guy supposed to say?
He's in the car and he's like, "Yeah..."
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"...it does.
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And you're a real piece of shit for this,
just so you know."
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I wanted to abort,
I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn't.
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Like, "I'm from Southern California,
we sure could use it."
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And he was like,
"I'll run us off the fucking road.
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I'll kill us both,
I swear to God I will."
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God forbid I meet
a tall person now, like...
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If you're over six-four,
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there's no way I'm not addressing it.
I'm gonna be like,
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"Wow, you're tall."
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"Do you like basketball?
Yeah? Is that your thing?
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I have a friend that's tall."
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Dude, you just told a grown man
you have a fucking friend that's tall.
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Like, what's next? "My dad's super strong?
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I bet he's stronger than your dad."
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Ugh.
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It's better than
my dad's actual small talk,
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which is awkwardly racial small talk.
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It's not racist, but it involves race.
Um...
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Like, we're at a restaurant and, you know,
the server walks up and she's Asian.
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My dad will be like, "You Chinese?"
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And she's like, "No, I'm Korean."
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"Oh, I was in Vietnam."
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And I'm like...
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"What are you doing?"
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"What? I was." "I know.
What does that have to do with anything?"
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Then he goes, "Lot fewer of them
when I left, if you know what I mean."
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I'm like, "Oh, man."
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Well...
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"Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes,
we're gonna wrap it up pretty quick."
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Dude, if he meets a black guy,
shut it the fuck down, okay?
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'Cause, it's gonna get weird. Like...
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Dude, I see it. A black guy starts
talking to us and my dad'll be like...
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I can see it in his eyes,
like a clock's ticking down.
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And I'm like, "How weird are you
about to be with him?"
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He looks like a dog, when you show a dog
a treat and you're like, "Sit still."
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And the dog's like...
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"I work with a black guy!"
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Ohh. Ohh.
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Oh, man.
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"Yeah, Carl.
You know him? I don't know...
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Thought you knew each other.
I don't know.
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I don't know him.
He works in the building."
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You're like, "Fuck."
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Jesus.
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Speaking of dads, I'm gonna be a dad.
Isn't that crazy?
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I know. Well...
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You know, not my fucking problem.
You know what I mean? Um...
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That's your kid. So...
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No, I'm gonna stick around.
I wanna see what it looks and stuff.
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Just for a second. But...
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So crazy, man.
All I did was, I didn't pull out.
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And then...
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Now I'm gonna be a dad. So nuts.
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Isn't that crazy? As a man, all you do
is you dump inside of a girl and then...
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there's life? That's a pretty crude way
of putting that. I'm sorry. But...
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that's what happens.
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Let's just talk about how good
that feels. I...
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Dude, I've been pulling out for years.
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And no comp... No orgasm...
You don't have an org...
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and you're like, "Oh, that sucks."
Like, it's still...
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It feels great.
But when you leave it in?
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Dude.
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Here's all I'm saying.
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If you're a pull-out guy,
next time? Don't.
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Even if she tells you to.
Be like, "I forgot."
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And she'll whine about it.
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"What if I'm pregnant?
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My career!"
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And you'll be like,
"Is law school on hold? All right.
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Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut."
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Guys! I'm joking. I'm joking.
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Joke.
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I'm not joking. But...
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God, it feels so good!
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I can't even... I can't even describe
how much better it feels.
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The best I've come up with is,
remember when you were a kid,
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and the first time you tried
something with melted cheese,
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and you were like, "What the fuck?"
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"This is the same thing?"
And they're like, "Same shit."
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And you're like, "This is amazing!
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I can have this whenever I want?"
"Mm-hm. Whenever you want.
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Just eight, ten seconds
and it's your world, man."
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You're like, "Oh, my God!"
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It's like that, but down here.
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Feels so good.
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Ohh. Here's what a piece of shit I am.
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I...
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I have been fantasizing a lot
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about people asking me
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how I lost the weight
that I haven't lost yet.
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And, like, I just have so many answers.
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Like, I really enjoy doing...
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In my head, I'm like,
"Dude, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle."
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"Just gotta make smarter choices, man.
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I mean, drink more water.
Look at me, I've never felt better.
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I have so much energy.
If I can do it, you can do it."
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And then I eat chocolate soufflé,
as I have...
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Like, "Well, next year I'll probably
be ready for this conversation."
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Fucking asshole.
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I don't even want to, like, lose weight
to live long or be healthy.
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I don't. I just want to be able
to make fun of fat people again.
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And know for sure
that they're fatter than me.
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'Cause, like, sometimes...
Now I'm like anybody,
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I'll be like, "Look at this
fat fucking asshole."
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And someone'll be like,
"You're fatter."
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And I'm like, "Oh. Really?"
And they're like, "By a lot!"
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"You should want his body."
And I'm like, "Ah, fuck, man."
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Since I'm gonna have a kid,
I don't want to be the fat dad.
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Remember when we were
in elementary school, in like fifth grade?
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You're like, "Hey,
look at Billy's fat fuckin' dad."
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"Fuckin'..."
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"Just fuckin' batter him up tonight
and eat him, huh, Billy's dad?"
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Just don't want to be that guy.
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I got a trainer.
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They gave me a trainer.
That's a better way of saying that.
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I joined a gym, and they go,
"Do you want a free training session?"
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I was like, "Okay.
What does it normally cost?"
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And they're like, "Like $900."
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I was like, "Wow, that's a great deal.
That's awesome."
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The first session is a bait session.
It's ridiculous.
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The guy's like, "Stand up."
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Like, "Okay." He's like,
"Wow, you're a very powerful athlete."
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"Were you pro before?"
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I'm like, "Okay, yes. I think I was."
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He goes, "You look like it. Your muscle
fibers look really great." I'm like...
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He's like, "Want to do this all the time?"
I'm like, "Yeah. Absolutely.
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This is a good boost for me.
I like this a lot."
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Second session, way different
than the first session.
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Second session, I'm doing burpies.
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Like, you jump on the ground
then you jump onto a wooden block.
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I'm running through sand pushing a sled.
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"And I go, is this SEAL school?
What are we doing right now?"
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In the middle of this workout,
my trainer goes "Stop!"
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And I said, "Thank you."
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He goes, "Know why I told you to stop?"
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And I go, "Yeah, so you don't
have to give me CPR, I think."
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And he goes, "No. The Holy Spirit."
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"What?"
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And he goes, "The Holy Spirit
told me to tell you to stop."
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And I go...
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"What...
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did I sign up for? What the fuck is this?"
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And he goes,
"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?"
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And I said, "Is He gonna
make me do push-ups?"
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And that right there,
he got really mad at that. Like...
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really upset.
He was like, "It's not all jokes!"
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"I said one thing.
I can't say one thing? All right."
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And he tells me to take the big plate,
the 45-pound plate.
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"Hold it over your head
and run down to the pier and back."
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And the pier's, like,
three-quarters of a mile.
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And I go, "Nope."
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"Not doing that."
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He's like, "You're quitting?
You're quitting on me?"
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And I go, "No,
I'm not quitting, it's just that...
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the Holy Spirit..."
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"...it talks to me, too.
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And it said there's no way
I'm gonna make this run
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without throwing up
and people laughing at me.
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So, I'm gonna get a peanut butter
protein shake. I'm out, man."
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And I took off.
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I'm not doing that shit.
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I'm not making fun of you
if you're religious.
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I think that's great. Any faith.
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Christian, Muslim, Jew, what...
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If you're a Scientologist,
you can go fuck yourself. But...
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Yeah.
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Because it's not old.
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It's gotta be old.
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It's fair to say there's some times
I don't want to hear about it.
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You know? Like working out?
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Um... Getting high.
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That's a bummer.
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Right? Like, when there's
pills and cash and tits out and...
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someone's like, "Have you thought
about accepting the Lord into your life?"
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And you're like,
"I'm trying to make bad decisions.
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Why are you doing this to me?"
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That and pre-sex.
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That is the worst.
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During sex, as-salamu alaykum.
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Anything goes. But...
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Pre-sex? Like, right before,
and the girl's like,
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"Oh! What if God's watching us?"
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And you're like, "What?!"
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"'What if God is watching us?'
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Of course He's watching us!
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He sees everything and this is
hands-down His favorite shit!"
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Yeah.
239
00:13:37,101 --> 00:13:40,529
"Quit being a baby, put another knuckle
in there and let's give Him a show!"
240
00:13:51,323 --> 00:13:54,626
Digit play, it's fun. Get into it. But...
241
00:13:54,660 --> 00:13:56,503
let's be clear about this, guys.
242
00:13:56,537 --> 00:13:58,672
We're not gonna agree on everything. Okay?
243
00:13:58,706 --> 00:14:01,007
But we should agree on this.
244
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:05,345
If you bring a baby
into a movie theater,
245
00:14:05,379 --> 00:14:06,597
you're a piece of shit.
246
00:14:08,007 --> 00:14:10,125
Yup.
247
00:14:13,679 --> 00:14:17,315
If your reason for doing it
is you couldn't get a babysitter,
248
00:14:17,349 --> 00:14:20,694
well, then,
you don't get to go to the movies.
249
00:14:20,728 --> 00:14:22,237
That's how that works.
250
00:14:22,271 --> 00:14:24,740
It happened to me in back-to-back movies,
251
00:14:24,774 --> 00:14:28,452
which statistically
I did not think was possible.
252
00:14:28,486 --> 00:14:30,662
First movie, I'm in there five minutes.
253
00:14:30,696 --> 00:14:34,040
I'm watching the movie and I hear,
"Waaah."
254
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,542
"What?"
255
00:14:35,576 --> 00:14:36,752
I turn,
256
00:14:36,786 --> 00:14:41,089
and in the row behind me
there's a mother, a father and a baby.
257
00:14:41,123 --> 00:14:44,635
Not a child,
which I think is an important distinction.
258
00:14:44,669 --> 00:14:48,806
It's a baby. I'm like, "All right,
these people are insane. Um...
259
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,432
I'll just ignore this."
260
00:14:50,466 --> 00:14:54,060
Turn back, 30 seconds later,
"Waah."
261
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:56,021
I'm like,
"Well, now I have to say something."
262
00:14:56,055 --> 00:14:57,481
Now...
263
00:14:57,515 --> 00:14:58,732
I'm polite.
264
00:14:58,766 --> 00:15:01,276
So I turn and I go, "Excuse me,
265
00:15:01,310 --> 00:15:03,528
are you stabbing your baby right now?"
266
00:15:05,857 --> 00:15:08,158
"'Cause it sounds like it."
267
00:15:08,192 --> 00:15:11,578
- And the dad goes...
- "No, I love the baby."
268
00:15:11,612 --> 00:15:13,538
You picture him, okay?
269
00:15:13,572 --> 00:15:16,041
"I love him. Pero...
270
00:15:16,075 --> 00:15:17,292
no.
271
00:15:17,326 --> 00:15:20,211
It's my baby."
272
00:15:20,245 --> 00:15:24,675
And I said, "Well, could you?
'Cause I'm trying to watch this movie."
273
00:15:26,794 --> 00:15:28,887
"And...
274
00:15:28,921 --> 00:15:31,056
your baby's ruining it."
275
00:15:31,090 --> 00:15:33,308
He's like, "No, no puedo." So...
276
00:15:35,219 --> 00:15:37,354
I get up, I go to the lobby,
277
00:15:37,388 --> 00:15:40,065
I see the manager
of the theater and I go, "Hey!
278
00:15:40,099 --> 00:15:44,569
There's a fucking baby in there...
279
00:15:44,603 --> 00:15:47,280
being a baby right now."
280
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:51,743
And the manager goes,
"Some people suck."
281
00:15:51,777 --> 00:15:54,162
And he walked away.
282
00:15:54,196 --> 00:15:57,833
That is the best customer service line
I've ever heard in my life.
283
00:15:57,867 --> 00:15:59,292
Hands down.
284
00:16:02,914 --> 00:16:04,965
You can't even get mad!
285
00:16:04,999 --> 00:16:07,634
If you're in a restaurant,
been waiting on your food, like,
286
00:16:07,668 --> 00:16:10,136
"Where the fuck is my food?
I've been here half an hour!"
287
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,222
And the manager's like,
"Some people suck." Like,
288
00:16:12,256 --> 00:16:16,852
"Oh yeah. Some people suck.
I didn't think about it. My bad.
289
00:16:16,886 --> 00:16:19,063
Sorry about that."
290
00:16:19,097 --> 00:16:20,355
I left. I left.
291
00:16:20,389 --> 00:16:22,649
The next day, I go back to the movies.
292
00:16:22,683 --> 00:16:25,443
I should point out I saw
a different movie.
293
00:16:25,477 --> 00:16:27,153
It was also a different baby.
294
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:30,532
It's not the same family
standing out front
295
00:16:30,566 --> 00:16:34,578
and then they see me and they're like,
"Oh, there he is. Let's go inside...
296
00:16:34,612 --> 00:16:37,581
and ruin this for him again."
297
00:16:37,615 --> 00:16:41,376
This time I am way further into the movie.
298
00:16:41,410 --> 00:16:43,712
I'm emotionally invested in this movie.
299
00:16:43,746 --> 00:16:45,130
I like the movie.
300
00:16:45,164 --> 00:16:49,885
And then, out of nowhere, I hear,
"Waah."
301
00:16:49,919 --> 00:16:53,304
This time, I swear to you, I audibly go,
302
00:16:53,338 --> 00:16:54,598
"Nuh-uh."
303
00:16:57,927 --> 00:17:00,645
And now, other people get involved.
304
00:17:00,679 --> 00:17:04,733
You know when you can hear
somebody's age in their voice?
305
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:08,278
Like, I can't see shit.
It's a dark theater.
306
00:17:08,312 --> 00:17:12,950
I just hear a guy go,
"Either make it quiet or get it out!"
307
00:17:18,823 --> 00:17:20,749
That guy's 140 years old!
308
00:17:22,701 --> 00:17:25,378
Like, I could hear
that he'd never hugged his children.
309
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,072
I could hear it in his voice.
310
00:17:32,628 --> 00:17:36,181
This time,
the mother of the baby goes,
311
00:17:36,215 --> 00:17:38,266
"Shut up."
312
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:42,020
And I was like, "Oh shit!" Like...
313
00:17:42,054 --> 00:17:44,940
"We have a situation."
314
00:17:44,974 --> 00:17:50,779
And then a third person goes, "Shh."
315
00:17:52,982 --> 00:17:56,868
What are you doing?
"Shush" is passive-aggressive.
316
00:17:56,902 --> 00:17:59,746
She said, "Shut up."
Just go straight to "fuck you!"
317
00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:01,899
What are you doing?
318
00:18:03,701 --> 00:18:07,587
But now... I wanted to be
the hero and save the movie.
319
00:18:07,621 --> 00:18:09,673
I felt a tremendous sense of injustice.
320
00:18:09,707 --> 00:18:12,843
Like, all these movies
are being ruined by babies, but...
321
00:18:12,877 --> 00:18:17,347
I didn't realize I was too angry
in that moment to um, what is it?
322
00:18:17,381 --> 00:18:20,058
Speak English words in a sentence.
323
00:18:20,092 --> 00:18:22,853
You know when you get real rage,
like...
324
00:18:22,887 --> 00:18:24,771
Like, just...
325
00:18:24,805 --> 00:18:26,148
"Dude..."
326
00:18:26,182 --> 00:18:28,608
Like...
327
00:18:29,894 --> 00:18:33,571
Like, you feel it,
your throat dries out, and... aah!
328
00:18:33,605 --> 00:18:37,450
So I stood up in the theater
with the best intentions and I went...
329
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:41,287
"Why is everybody
not in the adult movie?!"
330
00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:43,648
Like none of it made sense.
331
00:18:45,993 --> 00:18:49,738
Everybody's like, "Who's that fucking guy?
What's his problem?"
332
00:18:51,290 --> 00:18:52,716
I was...
333
00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:56,761
I was trying to say,
"Let's be civilized adults."
334
00:18:56,795 --> 00:19:00,557
But instead I went "adult movie."
335
00:19:00,591 --> 00:19:03,393
"Porn's on now.
336
00:19:03,427 --> 00:19:04,853
Cover your baby's eyes."
337
00:19:08,015 --> 00:19:11,235
The next thing,
I see a white T-shirt pop up
338
00:19:11,269 --> 00:19:13,929
and I'm like,
"Well, there's the dad."
339
00:19:16,982 --> 00:19:19,267
Some of you got it. And...
340
00:19:20,819 --> 00:19:23,038
He looked around, like,
"Who's talking shit?"
341
00:19:23,072 --> 00:19:26,457
And I was like, "I'm talking shit, bitch."
342
00:19:26,491 --> 00:19:28,793
I didn't say it,
but he knew what was up. But then...
343
00:19:30,579 --> 00:19:32,172
I went out the exit immediately
344
00:19:32,206 --> 00:19:36,284
cause I'm not getting my ass kicked
over The Lego Movie, so I left.
345
00:19:50,933 --> 00:19:53,526
You guys,
are you ever just
346
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,029
tired of being alive?
347
00:19:56,063 --> 00:19:58,740
Know what I mean? Like...
348
00:19:58,774 --> 00:20:00,784
I'm not suicidal.
349
00:20:00,818 --> 00:20:05,538
I just feel like I've done a lot
and I've seen a lot. And now I'm like,
350
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:08,250
"Let's wrap this shit up. Like..."
351
00:20:08,284 --> 00:20:11,211
Right? Like, how many
fucking days are there?
352
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:19,677
I want to skip a grade. Remember...
353
00:20:19,711 --> 00:20:22,764
elementary school, and you get
to the first day of,
354
00:20:22,798 --> 00:20:25,558
whatever, third grade,
and you're like, "Where's Brian?"
355
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:29,479
They're like, "He skipped."
"Excuse me? How?"
356
00:20:29,513 --> 00:20:33,108
They're like, "He can add like
a motherfucker. I don't know. He just...
357
00:20:33,142 --> 00:20:37,195
Four, eight, twelve. He gets it."
358
00:20:37,229 --> 00:20:42,033
And then you go, "I want to skip."
And they're like...
359
00:20:42,067 --> 00:20:45,228
"Don't even think about that.
Think about other shit."
360
00:20:46,364 --> 00:20:47,956
I'd love to skip in real life.
361
00:20:47,990 --> 00:20:50,416
That would be the best program,
if they were like,
362
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:53,378
"If you kill it this year,
you have the best year,
363
00:20:53,412 --> 00:20:56,547
at the end of the year, a magical fairy
364
00:20:56,581 --> 00:20:59,801
or government official
will come to your house...
365
00:20:59,835 --> 00:21:02,387
and they go, 'You crushed it this year.'"
366
00:21:02,421 --> 00:21:05,390
And you're like, "I know."
367
00:21:05,424 --> 00:21:07,976
Then they're like, "Now you can skip
as many years as you want."
368
00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:10,728
I'd be like, "What the fuck?!
369
00:21:10,762 --> 00:21:12,981
Really?" "Mm-hmm.
How many do you want to skip?"
370
00:21:13,015 --> 00:21:15,066
"Thirty?"
371
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:16,651
Just land at retirement.
372
00:21:16,685 --> 00:21:18,987
I don't wanna live
much longer than that anyways.
373
00:21:19,021 --> 00:21:21,281
Seventy. Maybe 71. You know?
374
00:21:21,315 --> 00:21:25,160
Seventy so I can be "officially old"
and experience old guy stuff,
375
00:21:25,194 --> 00:21:28,663
like people talking to me like I'm a pet,
and, um...
376
00:21:29,781 --> 00:21:33,543
You ever see that? When they're like,
"Hey, hey. How you doing?
377
00:21:33,577 --> 00:21:36,546
You're so good.
Would you like me to get you anything?"
378
00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:40,384
Like, "Yeah. Put some water in my bowl.
What the fuck is this shit?" Like...
379
00:21:43,295 --> 00:21:45,471
But I don't want
to live much longer than that.
380
00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:48,141
I mean, I hear people in conversation go,
381
00:21:48,175 --> 00:21:49,934
"I want to live to be a hundred."
382
00:21:49,968 --> 00:21:51,186
Really?
383
00:21:51,220 --> 00:21:52,854
Have you seen 80?
384
00:21:52,888 --> 00:21:56,566
I mean,
my dad has a friend that's 87.
385
00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:00,278
He looks like a goblin. Okay?
386
00:22:00,312 --> 00:22:03,114
He is terrifying to look at.
387
00:22:03,148 --> 00:22:04,074
And he knows it.
388
00:22:04,108 --> 00:22:07,577
He's like, "I'm coming around the corner.
Don't look at me." He knows it.
389
00:22:07,611 --> 00:22:10,688
It's scary.
390
00:22:12,032 --> 00:22:14,084
Here's how much it sucks to be that old.
391
00:22:14,118 --> 00:22:19,005
When he was 84,
he stopped taking his heart medication.
392
00:22:19,039 --> 00:22:22,342
And I go, "Why did you do that?"
And he goes, "I don't want to be here."
393
00:22:25,463 --> 00:22:27,722
If you see him now,
you're like, "How you doing?"
394
00:22:27,756 --> 00:22:31,101
"Unfortunately, alive."
395
00:22:31,135 --> 00:22:32,477
"But He won't take me."
396
00:22:34,388 --> 00:22:36,981
The only thing I have
going for me with that old stuff
397
00:22:37,015 --> 00:22:39,609
is that I will be the best old guy.
398
00:22:39,643 --> 00:22:42,195
I already know it.
Like, I have their personality.
399
00:22:42,229 --> 00:22:43,863
I'm anti-social as shit.
400
00:22:43,897 --> 00:22:46,532
I don't want to do anything. Like...
401
00:22:46,566 --> 00:22:50,328
whenever anybody says to me, "Hey, man.
Do you wanna go check out the..."
402
00:22:50,362 --> 00:22:55,959
I go, "No to the rest of your sentence.
Whatever it is, I don't want to do it."
403
00:22:55,993 --> 00:22:57,419
I don't want to meet new people.
404
00:22:57,453 --> 00:23:00,630
Not one more, as long as I live,
for the rest of my life.
405
00:23:00,664 --> 00:23:01,923
That's the same as old people.
406
00:23:01,957 --> 00:23:04,259
Try it if you want.
Be like, "Hey, Grandpa!
407
00:23:04,293 --> 00:23:07,137
I want you to meet Steve."
And he'll go, "Fuck Steve."
408
00:23:09,006 --> 00:23:11,682
"I know everybody I need to know.
409
00:23:11,716 --> 00:23:13,810
Gonna watch my shows."
410
00:23:15,679 --> 00:23:17,730
Know what I really want?
I want to be that old...
411
00:23:17,764 --> 00:23:20,442
I don't know if it's an age,
it's just a way of being old.
412
00:23:20,476 --> 00:23:21,943
There's a certain level of old
413
00:23:21,977 --> 00:23:24,654
where you get yelled at
for trying to be helpful.
414
00:23:24,688 --> 00:23:27,615
That looks awesome.
415
00:23:27,649 --> 00:23:31,495
Know what I mean? When an old guy's like,
"I'm gonna take out the trash."
416
00:23:31,529 --> 00:23:34,872
And someone's like,
"Are you out of your fucking mind?
417
00:23:34,906 --> 00:23:37,875
Your spine'll snap. Sit down!"
418
00:23:37,909 --> 00:23:40,795
"Okay."
419
00:23:40,829 --> 00:23:42,172
"I tried. I'm sorry."
420
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:47,177
That looks amazing.
421
00:23:47,211 --> 00:23:53,266
I really want that old guy confidence
that I see...
422
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:55,685
in the locker room.
Yeah. That's another thing.
423
00:23:57,054 --> 00:24:00,524
Dude. Another thing I've noticed
since joining the gym,
424
00:24:00,558 --> 00:24:02,108
there's two types of guys:
425
00:24:02,142 --> 00:24:06,404
Guys that are 65 and older,
and then guys that cover their dicks.
426
00:24:06,438 --> 00:24:08,532
Because old guys...
427
00:24:08,566 --> 00:24:10,408
do not.
428
00:24:10,442 --> 00:24:12,869
It's crazy!
429
00:24:12,903 --> 00:24:15,246
The first few days,
I thought it was peacocking.
430
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:16,747
Like showing off, you know?
431
00:24:16,781 --> 00:24:18,249
'Cause I saw some fucking hammers
432
00:24:18,283 --> 00:24:21,002
where you walk in
and you're like, "Whoa, yeah!"
433
00:24:22,371 --> 00:24:24,630
"I wouldn't wear pants either.
Nice work, pal."
434
00:24:28,001 --> 00:24:30,636
But then, like the third day,
I saw a guy,
435
00:24:30,670 --> 00:24:33,931
he had just like the cutest little thing.
436
00:24:35,175 --> 00:24:37,060
And he was just like
all on the...
437
00:24:37,094 --> 00:24:40,730
He was like,
"Oil prices are crazy right now."
438
00:24:42,182 --> 00:24:46,027
I'm like, "Dude, you have a little grain
of rice. You don't give a shit?"
439
00:24:46,061 --> 00:24:48,154
He didn't. He didn't care.
440
00:24:48,188 --> 00:24:50,907
I want that confidence.
441
00:24:50,941 --> 00:24:52,325
I don't even know how it's attainable.
442
00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:56,187
Like, if I know anyone's gonna see it,
I'm gonna... you know?
443
00:24:59,617 --> 00:25:00,875
Give it a smack.
444
00:25:04,288 --> 00:25:06,590
And then you go, "Huh. There's an inch."
445
00:25:10,127 --> 00:25:14,331
Let's not act like I'm the only
self-fluffer in the room, okay?
446
00:25:16,383 --> 00:25:18,684
Dude.
447
00:25:18,718 --> 00:25:22,606
Ladies, if you've ever
received a dick-pic before, um,
448
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,983
here's some secret intel:
That's not the first shot.
449
00:25:28,687 --> 00:25:31,030
Pretty much goes like this: Click.
450
00:25:31,064 --> 00:25:34,309
"Fuck that." And then...
451
00:25:35,777 --> 00:25:39,272
"Oh, yeah, that's me.
That's all me right there. That's me."
452
00:25:41,741 --> 00:25:44,461
God, sweating my fucking balls off.
453
00:25:44,495 --> 00:25:46,087
Like a preacher. Amen.
454
00:25:46,121 --> 00:25:49,924
All right. So...
455
00:25:49,958 --> 00:25:51,659
Ha!
456
00:25:54,171 --> 00:25:55,305
This is a very... I think this...
457
00:25:55,339 --> 00:25:59,976
Pretty girls. Pretty town. A lot
of good-looking girls in this town. Um...
458
00:26:00,010 --> 00:26:01,978
I noticed, stylistically,
459
00:26:02,012 --> 00:26:04,855
I feel like a lot of girls here
have nose rings,
460
00:26:04,889 --> 00:26:07,484
and I have to tell you, I fucking dig it.
461
00:26:07,518 --> 00:26:08,943
Yeah.
462
00:26:08,977 --> 00:26:10,194
I like a girl with a nose ring.
463
00:26:10,228 --> 00:26:12,405
I think it says something.
I think it says,
464
00:26:12,439 --> 00:26:16,742
"I have other piercings, and..."
465
00:26:16,776 --> 00:26:20,037
"...you can see them."
466
00:26:20,071 --> 00:26:22,582
"As soon as I get this hemp bra off."
467
00:26:22,616 --> 00:26:25,502
But...
468
00:26:25,536 --> 00:26:28,546
Eyebrow ring, that's another level.
469
00:26:28,580 --> 00:26:30,173
That is a statement.
470
00:26:30,207 --> 00:26:33,468
And that statement is:
"Fisting is my first base."
471
00:26:33,502 --> 00:26:37,639
Like, those chicks
are fuckin' down. Am I right?
472
00:26:37,673 --> 00:26:40,808
Yeah.
473
00:26:40,842 --> 00:26:42,602
Oh, yeah.
474
00:26:42,636 --> 00:26:44,270
Some of you... No?
I'm seeing disappointment
475
00:26:44,304 --> 00:26:46,856
in some people's faces, for sure.
476
00:26:46,890 --> 00:26:48,483
Yeah. Some people are like, "Mm-mm."
477
00:26:50,477 --> 00:26:53,488
"Didn't sign up for this shit. No, sir."
478
00:26:53,522 --> 00:26:58,326
And the rest of you are like,
"But... But, Tom!
479
00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:02,997
What about tongue rings?
What about tongue rings, Tom?"
480
00:27:03,031 --> 00:27:04,499
What about them?!
481
00:27:06,076 --> 00:27:07,860
Tools of the trade.
482
00:27:09,079 --> 00:27:12,840
Did Rembrandt not have a paintbrush?
483
00:27:16,294 --> 00:27:19,472
Who is Beethoven without his piano?
484
00:27:19,506 --> 00:27:23,601
That girl has a tongue ring 'cause
her mouth is a homing device for cocks!
485
00:27:26,930 --> 00:27:30,316
You leave her alone!
486
00:27:30,350 --> 00:27:32,777
Or just show her your dick.
There's a pretty good chance
487
00:27:32,811 --> 00:27:35,572
she's gonna lap that shit up.
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
488
00:27:38,108 --> 00:27:41,478
Don't get upset.
It's silly. It's a silly joke.
489
00:27:42,613 --> 00:27:44,497
Look, I'm not a misogynistic pig.
490
00:27:44,531 --> 00:27:47,751
I think women should judge men
equally and harshly.
491
00:27:47,785 --> 00:27:49,085
You know what never fails?
492
00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:51,629
Judge men based on what they drive.
493
00:27:51,663 --> 00:27:53,130
Ladies...
494
00:27:53,164 --> 00:27:56,384
if a guy picks you up
in a minivan,
495
00:27:56,418 --> 00:27:58,010
he is telling you,
496
00:27:58,044 --> 00:28:02,348
"Why have sex when we can collect
all the Angry Birds stuffed animals?"
497
00:28:08,346 --> 00:28:11,023
Full-size van. Whoa.
498
00:28:13,017 --> 00:28:14,151
That's more like,
499
00:28:14,185 --> 00:28:16,946
"You wanna go out?
Well, you're coming."
500
00:28:20,818 --> 00:28:23,745
Kidnapping joke, yeah?
501
00:28:23,779 --> 00:28:27,123
Now, ladies, if a guy picks you up
in a Honda and it's lowered,
502
00:28:27,157 --> 00:28:30,501
real low, low... to the ground...
503
00:28:30,535 --> 00:28:33,463
and there's some
cool blue lights underneath it,
504
00:28:33,497 --> 00:28:36,591
that says, "When we get
to this restaurant, get whatever you want.
505
00:28:36,625 --> 00:28:39,093
My mom's got this.
Don't worry about it. I got it. Yeah."
506
00:28:39,127 --> 00:28:42,054
"Yeah."
507
00:28:42,088 --> 00:28:44,957
"Yeah, she gave me tip money. Yeah!"
508
00:28:46,551 --> 00:28:47,477
Oh, man.
509
00:28:47,511 --> 00:28:51,021
I was in, uh, London...
510
00:28:51,055 --> 00:28:52,106
Canada.
511
00:28:52,140 --> 00:28:54,609
Um, they have one.
512
00:28:54,643 --> 00:28:55,985
And...
513
00:28:56,019 --> 00:28:58,195
Doesn't that kinda bother you?
A little bit?
514
00:28:58,229 --> 00:29:02,533
When a barely city is like,
"Let's name it after an awesome city."
515
00:29:06,154 --> 00:29:09,081
And they have the nerve to ask you,
"How do you like London?"
516
00:29:09,115 --> 00:29:12,293
"The real one, or this turd
you put in a dress? Because..."
517
00:29:13,787 --> 00:29:17,381
Like, the fucking balls
on Paris, Tennessee,
518
00:29:17,415 --> 00:29:20,593
to name their city Paris?
519
00:29:20,627 --> 00:29:23,763
And then they built a mini Eiffel Tower?
520
00:29:23,797 --> 00:29:26,223
Like you're gonna walk around confused,
521
00:29:26,257 --> 00:29:29,393
like, "Well, bonjour!
I don't even know where I'm at!"
522
00:29:35,350 --> 00:29:37,735
"Can I get me a 'crassant?'"
523
00:29:40,772 --> 00:29:42,973
Fuck Paris, Tennessee.
524
00:29:44,609 --> 00:29:47,995
So, we're leaving...
525
00:29:48,029 --> 00:29:50,373
London, Ontario, Canada...
526
00:29:50,407 --> 00:29:51,708
bothers me just to say it.
527
00:29:51,742 --> 00:29:55,336
And we're headed back to Toronto,
528
00:29:55,370 --> 00:29:59,382
and we pass by a strip club named Beef.
529
00:29:59,416 --> 00:30:01,300
Now...
530
00:30:01,334 --> 00:30:04,011
Yeah, your hearing is working just fine.
531
00:30:05,756 --> 00:30:08,516
There's a strip club named Beef! I mean...
532
00:30:08,550 --> 00:30:13,604
can you even wrap your head around
the confidence a young lady has to have
533
00:30:13,638 --> 00:30:16,691
just to audition at Beef?
534
00:30:16,725 --> 00:30:21,028
Just to be like, "I know they're hiring
at Diamonds, but I'm more of a Beef girl."
535
00:30:21,062 --> 00:30:22,988
Like, that is...
536
00:30:23,022 --> 00:30:27,117
It's such an aggressive name,
even for a casual conversation.
537
00:30:27,151 --> 00:30:29,161
To be like, "Oh, you strip?"
538
00:30:29,195 --> 00:30:30,955
"Where do you strip at?"
"Beef."
539
00:30:32,574 --> 00:30:35,292
"Jesus."
540
00:30:35,326 --> 00:30:39,213
"What goes on there?"
"Pretty intense shit, actually.
541
00:30:39,247 --> 00:30:43,175
We recommend you start
your night at a different strip club
542
00:30:43,209 --> 00:30:47,346
and graduate to Beef.
You start here, we'll wreck your life."
543
00:30:47,380 --> 00:30:49,432
Like, "All right. God."
544
00:30:49,466 --> 00:30:51,100
Fuckin' Beef is the name...
545
00:30:51,134 --> 00:30:54,545
Fart is a better name for a strip club.
546
00:30:56,264 --> 00:30:58,691
If somebody was like,
"You wanna go to a strip club?
547
00:30:58,725 --> 00:31:01,360
It's called Fart." I'd be like,
"No, I don't want to go there."
548
00:31:01,394 --> 00:31:04,488
"There's another one called Beef."
"All right, let's check out Fart."
549
00:31:06,274 --> 00:31:07,975
"See where that ends up."
550
00:31:12,363 --> 00:31:14,707
I feel like...
551
00:31:14,741 --> 00:31:18,920
the worst part, honestly,
of traveling in our country
552
00:31:18,954 --> 00:31:20,922
is that there's no surprises.
553
00:31:20,956 --> 00:31:23,549
I swear to you, I travel every week,
554
00:31:23,583 --> 00:31:26,010
and it's really a disappointment.
555
00:31:26,044 --> 00:31:30,347
Every place is exactly
what I thought it was going to be.
556
00:31:30,381 --> 00:31:31,933
You know?
I can prove it to you.
557
00:31:31,967 --> 00:31:35,144
Picture a place you've never been to
in this country. Picture it.
558
00:31:35,178 --> 00:31:36,520
That's exactly how it is.
559
00:31:38,807 --> 00:31:40,775
What are the people like, you wonder?
560
00:31:40,809 --> 00:31:42,693
What do you think they're like?
561
00:31:42,727 --> 00:31:43,861
That's right.
562
00:31:46,564 --> 00:31:47,991
It's... I swear to you!
563
00:31:48,025 --> 00:31:51,368
Go to San Francisco.
They're like, "Ah, we're offended."
564
00:31:51,402 --> 00:31:52,870
And you're like, "Yep."
565
00:31:54,781 --> 00:31:57,207
"I know."
566
00:31:57,241 --> 00:31:59,585
Texas? I don't think the people of Texas
567
00:31:59,619 --> 00:32:02,839
necessarily want
to execute retarded people,
568
00:32:02,873 --> 00:32:07,343
but I think they're like, "You know what?
This is Texas. So... whoo!"
569
00:32:09,546 --> 00:32:12,682
"That's how we do it around here, brother.
A little boot scoot boop!
570
00:32:12,716 --> 00:32:14,433
See you later, dumdum.
All right."
571
00:32:18,596 --> 00:32:21,816
They've done it multiple times!
572
00:32:21,850 --> 00:32:23,943
They keep doing it.
573
00:32:23,977 --> 00:32:26,654
"I'm sowwy."
"Yeah, me too."
574
00:32:29,107 --> 00:32:30,891
Crazy.
575
00:32:33,486 --> 00:32:35,872
The Midwest?
I mean, don't you feel like
576
00:32:35,906 --> 00:32:38,374
we could draw a circle
around the Midwest and be like,
577
00:32:38,408 --> 00:32:41,919
"Do we need this?"
578
00:32:41,953 --> 00:32:45,965
Except for wherever you're from.
That place is fucking awesome.
579
00:32:45,999 --> 00:32:49,927
The Northeast,
shady fucking people in shady cities.
580
00:32:49,961 --> 00:32:51,470
That's all they are. Just shady.
581
00:32:51,504 --> 00:32:54,724
Just fucking all those places.
Jersey, Philly, Balti... they're all...
582
00:32:57,844 --> 00:33:00,229
"How you doing?"
"Not now, thank you very much."
583
00:33:01,848 --> 00:33:05,760
"Can I help you with something?"
"Nope. Never in my life."
584
00:33:07,562 --> 00:33:10,322
The one quality I do love
about Northeastern people, though,
585
00:33:10,356 --> 00:33:14,035
you could be in an argument with them
and be like, "You're a fucking asshole."
586
00:33:14,069 --> 00:33:17,329
And they're like, "Thank you."
587
00:33:17,363 --> 00:33:21,125
"My dad's an asshole, and so am I.
It's kind of a thing."
588
00:33:21,159 --> 00:33:23,961
Then what? You head, uh...
589
00:33:23,995 --> 00:33:25,337
you head on down south.
590
00:33:28,625 --> 00:33:30,801
Where "God don't make no junk."
591
00:33:32,879 --> 00:33:34,847
That's a real expression, by the way:
592
00:33:34,881 --> 00:33:37,391
"God don't make no junk."
593
00:33:37,425 --> 00:33:39,602
They say it a lot.
I lived there for a while.
594
00:33:39,636 --> 00:33:43,522
They say it to people who are
complaining about their own situation.
595
00:33:43,556 --> 00:33:45,942
So essentially, it's a pick-me-up. Right?
596
00:33:45,976 --> 00:33:50,404
Like, some lady might go,
"I ain't purty!"
597
00:33:52,523 --> 00:33:55,451
"And I ain't no good."
598
00:33:58,196 --> 00:34:01,398
"No one's ever gonna love me."
599
00:34:02,450 --> 00:34:06,170
And someone'll go,
"Don't you talk that mess."
600
00:34:08,206 --> 00:34:12,802
"Don't you say that, Sally...
Billy Bob... Sandra. Don't you say that."
601
00:34:15,505 --> 00:34:18,624
"God don't make no junk."
602
00:34:20,135 --> 00:34:24,105
I always want to interrupt and be like,
"I'd like to politely disagree!"
603
00:34:26,516 --> 00:34:28,692
"I think He was nodding off
when He made you."
604
00:34:30,478 --> 00:34:35,158
"While your sunken eyes
and protruding underbite are charming..."
605
00:34:39,946 --> 00:34:44,041
"...that map of white trash is not sending
a lot of lead to the pencil. You're right!
606
00:34:44,075 --> 00:34:47,544
You're gonna die alone,
bah-bah-bah-Nascar-fart-beer."
607
00:34:51,249 --> 00:34:52,925
"You big box of stupid."
608
00:34:55,837 --> 00:34:59,182
Here's great travel advice, okay?
609
00:34:59,216 --> 00:35:02,226
Do not take the red-eye.
610
00:35:02,260 --> 00:35:03,978
If you don't know what that is,
611
00:35:04,012 --> 00:35:07,857
it's amazing
that you made it this far in life.
612
00:35:07,891 --> 00:35:10,317
It's when you fly overnight
613
00:35:10,351 --> 00:35:13,237
from the West Coast
to the Eastern time zone.
614
00:35:13,271 --> 00:35:15,114
Some people love that flight.
615
00:35:15,148 --> 00:35:18,159
And those people are sociopaths.
616
00:35:18,193 --> 00:35:20,619
Because... here's why.
617
00:35:20,653 --> 00:35:24,081
You land and your body's like,
"Well, it's 3:30 in the morning.
618
00:35:24,115 --> 00:35:26,959
I guess we're going to sleep."
And then the world goes...
619
00:35:26,993 --> 00:35:29,419
"Uh... nope!"
620
00:35:29,453 --> 00:35:32,756
"6:30, dickhead!
Get ready to do stuff."
621
00:35:32,790 --> 00:35:35,509
And then you cry for days.
622
00:35:35,543 --> 00:35:37,928
Last one I ever went on,
I boarded with my wife.
623
00:35:37,962 --> 00:35:40,514
We get on, she looks
at our boarding passes, she goes,
624
00:35:40,548 --> 00:35:43,600
"We're not sitting next to each other."
And I go, "Okay."
625
00:35:47,513 --> 00:35:49,273
I don't know.
626
00:35:49,307 --> 00:35:51,358
She goes,
"You don't wanna switch seats?"
627
00:35:51,392 --> 00:35:53,027
And I go, "Not really."
628
00:35:54,562 --> 00:35:57,948
And she goes, "Why not?"
I said, "'Cause we don't have to."
629
00:35:57,982 --> 00:35:59,033
She goes, "What does that mean?"
630
00:35:59,067 --> 00:36:02,578
I said, "Well, there's only two people
that have to sit next to each other,
631
00:36:02,612 --> 00:36:04,205
and they're up front."
632
00:36:08,868 --> 00:36:10,861
"We can sit anywhere."
633
00:36:12,163 --> 00:36:14,339
She goes, "You're gonna ask
people to move."
634
00:36:14,373 --> 00:36:17,593
And I was like,
"Great. Should be a real treat."
635
00:36:17,627 --> 00:36:19,678
That's always fun, right?
"You all settled in?
636
00:36:19,712 --> 00:36:22,806
Want to stand the fuck up now?" Great.
637
00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:25,350
So...
638
00:36:25,384 --> 00:36:28,729
we're both window seats.
We need an aisle to move.
639
00:36:28,763 --> 00:36:33,276
So I go to the guy sitting next to her,
and this guy is old.
640
00:36:33,310 --> 00:36:35,986
I don't know how old,
but it doesn't look good.
641
00:36:36,020 --> 00:36:38,488
He's... he's drooling...
642
00:36:38,522 --> 00:36:40,783
...he's got rubber where
there used to be bones...
643
00:36:40,817 --> 00:36:41,992
Put it this way:
644
00:36:42,026 --> 00:36:45,746
It's his last flight. All right? So...
645
00:36:45,780 --> 00:36:48,249
After this one, no más.
646
00:36:49,367 --> 00:36:52,295
So I go, "Excuse me, Gandalf.
Do you think that..."
647
00:36:53,997 --> 00:36:57,049
"...you could move
so I can sit next to my wife?"
648
00:36:57,083 --> 00:36:59,509
And he goes, "Move?"
649
00:36:59,543 --> 00:37:01,804
"Mm-hmm."
650
00:37:01,838 --> 00:37:03,889
He goes, "You move."
651
00:37:03,923 --> 00:37:06,183
"Yep."
652
00:37:06,217 --> 00:37:10,354
"I'll move here,
and then you move there."
653
00:37:10,388 --> 00:37:12,689
And he goes, "You can't see a meniscus...
654
00:37:15,768 --> 00:37:18,654
...I won't be able
to stretch out as much.
655
00:37:18,688 --> 00:37:22,325
I can't stretch.
I gotta sit by the aisle access
656
00:37:22,359 --> 00:37:24,743
and stretch it out there
so it's built up more.
657
00:37:24,777 --> 00:37:27,746
It'll be seven, eight times more
if I sit over there."
658
00:37:27,780 --> 00:37:30,333
And I go, "Are you reading me
a fucking novel about this?"
659
00:37:32,451 --> 00:37:34,753
"Jesus, just say no!
660
00:37:34,787 --> 00:37:38,090
And I hope you lose your leg."
And then I turned around.
661
00:37:38,124 --> 00:37:40,050
Well, he was a dick.
662
00:37:40,084 --> 00:37:41,177
He was.
663
00:37:41,211 --> 00:37:43,512
Was he old? Yes.
664
00:37:43,546 --> 00:37:45,430
Was he disabled? Severely.
665
00:37:47,258 --> 00:37:52,521
Disabled people have to earn their
cool points just like the rest of us.
666
00:37:52,555 --> 00:37:57,318
I'm so exhausted of the idea
that everybody with a disability
667
00:37:57,352 --> 00:38:00,029
is automatically an angel on earth.
668
00:38:00,063 --> 00:38:01,322
They're not.
669
00:38:01,356 --> 00:38:03,907
They're people, and you should
treat them like people.
670
00:38:03,941 --> 00:38:07,494
But you don't. You patronize
the shit out of them. Yeah.
671
00:38:07,528 --> 00:38:10,747
I know you do.
672
00:38:10,781 --> 00:38:15,544
Of course. There's so many uncomfortably
silent guilty faces in here right now.
673
00:38:17,163 --> 00:38:21,633
Yeah. You know when you're at work
and fucking Sam rolls up?
674
00:38:24,087 --> 00:38:26,430
It's always Sam.
675
00:38:26,464 --> 00:38:28,515
You don't go, "Hey, Sam."
676
00:38:28,549 --> 00:38:30,017
You go, "Hai, Sahm."
677
00:38:31,677 --> 00:38:32,853
And he's like, "Hi."
678
00:38:32,887 --> 00:38:35,064
And you go, "How was your weekend?"
679
00:38:37,141 --> 00:38:39,193
He's like, "It was good."
680
00:38:39,227 --> 00:38:41,737
"Well, that's good!"
681
00:38:41,771 --> 00:38:45,574
And he's like, "You know I'm not
retarded right? I just can't stand up.
682
00:38:45,608 --> 00:38:47,451
You're a fucking asshole."
683
00:38:53,450 --> 00:38:56,668
Some of them are cool.
Some of them are dicks.
684
00:38:56,702 --> 00:38:59,088
I was walking into a building
not two weeks ago.
685
00:38:59,122 --> 00:39:03,717
I open the door. Ten steps back,
I notice a guy's coming up with no arms.
686
00:39:03,751 --> 00:39:05,552
You know what I do? I hold the door.
687
00:39:05,586 --> 00:39:08,680
And when he gets up, he goes,
"I don't need you to do that shit."
688
00:39:08,714 --> 00:39:09,890
And I go...
689
00:39:12,969 --> 00:39:15,854
"All right."
690
00:39:15,888 --> 00:39:18,399
"Okay, Stumpy. Um...
691
00:39:18,433 --> 00:39:20,443
let's watch you bite
that handle for an hour.
692
00:39:20,477 --> 00:39:23,179
That'll be a fun fucking show."
693
00:39:24,230 --> 00:39:26,282
Fuck that guy.
694
00:39:26,316 --> 00:39:28,992
Absolutely fuck him. So...
695
00:39:29,026 --> 00:39:31,495
Midnight on this flight,
the lights come on,
696
00:39:31,529 --> 00:39:33,163
and that's too early, right?
697
00:39:33,197 --> 00:39:36,959
That's too early for the red-eye.
I panic. I think we're dying. So...
698
00:39:36,993 --> 00:39:39,586
I see the attendant, I go,
"Hey, what the fuck's happening?"
699
00:39:39,620 --> 00:39:42,005
She goes, "There's a medical
emergency in the back.
700
00:39:42,039 --> 00:39:44,800
Are you a doctor?"
And I go, "Look at me."
701
00:39:46,461 --> 00:39:48,429
"You think I'm a doctor?"
702
00:39:48,463 --> 00:39:51,181
And she goes, "Are any of you?"
And we go, "No."
703
00:39:51,215 --> 00:39:54,310
I said, "I think we just established
that none of us are doctors.
704
00:39:54,344 --> 00:39:56,979
How about you kill those lights
so we can go back to sleep?"
705
00:39:58,515 --> 00:40:00,649
And she goes, "Well, he needs help."
706
00:40:00,683 --> 00:40:03,819
And I go, "Well, we're not doctors.
707
00:40:03,853 --> 00:40:07,764
We could stand around him for a while,
If you think that'll help."
708
00:40:09,192 --> 00:40:10,409
"Yeah, he's fucked up."
709
00:40:13,279 --> 00:40:14,997
"Huh?
710
00:40:15,031 --> 00:40:16,290
Comedian."
711
00:40:18,451 --> 00:40:21,128
"Mostly stories.
712
00:40:21,162 --> 00:40:24,006
Hang in there."
I don't fucking know. So...
713
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:27,343
half an hour later, lights are still on,
and I go, "What are we doing?"
714
00:40:27,377 --> 00:40:29,636
And she goes,
"I think we're gonna divert."
715
00:40:29,670 --> 00:40:32,306
And I go, "Divert?
716
00:40:32,340 --> 00:40:34,099
Does that mean
we're gonna dump fuel?"
717
00:40:34,133 --> 00:40:39,522
Have you ever asked somebody something
so profoundly stupid to them
718
00:40:39,556 --> 00:40:42,858
that they have to physically regroup
before they answer your question?
719
00:40:44,352 --> 00:40:47,237
Like, she went to answer,
and then she went, "Huh."
720
00:40:53,652 --> 00:40:57,039
Like her brain was like,
control-alt-delete, rebooted...
721
00:40:59,075 --> 00:41:04,129
...and she goes, "Divert doesn't mean
dump fuel, you dumb shit."
722
00:41:04,163 --> 00:41:06,423
And I was like,
"I know, I was just playing. Gah."
723
00:41:08,585 --> 00:41:10,635
She said, "We're gonna land
at the nearest airport.
724
00:41:10,669 --> 00:41:13,722
We'll get him off and we'll get him help.
Then we'll continue."
725
00:41:13,756 --> 00:41:16,266
And I go, "You gotta be shitting me."
726
00:41:16,300 --> 00:41:17,560
And she goes, "No."
727
00:41:17,594 --> 00:41:19,311
And I said, "Well, what if he's dead?"
728
00:41:19,345 --> 00:41:21,355
And she goes, "What?"
729
00:41:21,389 --> 00:41:24,525
And I go, "If he's dead..."
730
00:41:24,559 --> 00:41:27,277
"...we're not just gonna land
to drop off some luggage, right?
731
00:41:27,311 --> 00:41:29,112
We're gonna keep going."
732
00:41:29,146 --> 00:41:30,989
And she goes, "I guess so."
733
00:41:32,609 --> 00:41:35,077
And I said, "Well, in that case,
I am a doctor."
734
00:41:36,946 --> 00:41:38,663
"And I'm gonna need a pillow. Stat."
735
00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:51,176
And then, I fucking killed a guy.
On a plane.
736
00:41:52,503 --> 00:41:55,680
It was the most fun
I've ever had in my life.
737
00:41:55,714 --> 00:41:56,848
Um...
738
00:41:56,882 --> 00:42:00,018
Bikes! I get, like...
739
00:42:00,052 --> 00:42:02,605
verbal tics, you know?
I don't have Tourette's.
740
00:42:02,639 --> 00:42:05,732
I wish I did. It looks fun. But...
741
00:42:05,766 --> 00:42:08,735
I'll just yell shit.
It's like a hook on a catchy song,
742
00:42:08,769 --> 00:42:11,238
except it's just stuff that I watch,
and then...
743
00:42:11,272 --> 00:42:13,365
"Bikes!" I just yell it, you know.
744
00:42:13,399 --> 00:42:16,910
Over and over. Only like
two or three million times. But...
745
00:42:16,944 --> 00:42:21,498
I'm obsessed with the show
Scared Straight. Um...
746
00:42:21,532 --> 00:42:25,043
If you've never seen it,
it's tremendous.
747
00:42:25,077 --> 00:42:26,044
Here's what they do.
748
00:42:26,078 --> 00:42:30,132
In the show, they take kids,
middle school and high school kids
749
00:42:30,166 --> 00:42:34,261
that are getting in trouble a lot,
and they send them to jail for a day.
750
00:42:34,295 --> 00:42:37,306
And the idea is that jail
will scare the fuck out of the kid,
751
00:42:37,340 --> 00:42:39,182
and then he'll get his life together.
752
00:42:39,216 --> 00:42:42,811
Hence, Scared Straight.
It's tremendous.
753
00:42:42,845 --> 00:42:45,314
I'm obsessed with one episode.
754
00:42:45,348 --> 00:42:48,150
It aired once.
755
00:42:48,184 --> 00:42:51,111
In 1999.
756
00:42:51,145 --> 00:42:52,404
Here's what's great.
757
00:42:52,438 --> 00:42:57,951
It aired uncensored, which is bananas.
758
00:42:57,985 --> 00:43:02,914
And... in this episode
they did not send the kids to jail,
759
00:43:02,948 --> 00:43:04,040
like they normally do.
760
00:43:04,074 --> 00:43:08,420
Instead, they sent them
to a maximum security penitentiary.
761
00:43:10,540 --> 00:43:12,174
Prison.
762
00:43:12,208 --> 00:43:16,428
And those prisoners
verbally assaulted these kids
763
00:43:16,462 --> 00:43:18,805
into crying a lot.
764
00:43:20,883 --> 00:43:25,921
And it's the funniest shit
I have ever seen in my life.
765
00:43:27,682 --> 00:43:30,317
First of all,
don't feel, like, too bad for...
766
00:43:30,351 --> 00:43:32,068
these kids are super badass.
767
00:43:32,102 --> 00:43:34,946
They're not like,
spitting spitballs in class and...
768
00:43:34,980 --> 00:43:37,407
They're fucking stabbing other kids.
769
00:43:37,441 --> 00:43:39,034
They're badass kids. Okay?
770
00:43:39,068 --> 00:43:41,495
And they show up
to this thing with attitude.
771
00:43:41,529 --> 00:43:44,373
They walk in, they're like,
"What's up? I run sixth grade.
772
00:43:44,407 --> 00:43:46,667
I ain't scared of you, man. Like..."
773
00:43:46,701 --> 00:43:48,918
"You can't scare me."
774
00:43:48,952 --> 00:43:52,255
And they're greeted
by a guy named Crazy Chris.
775
00:43:52,289 --> 00:43:54,341
Chris has scars on his face,
776
00:43:54,375 --> 00:43:56,719
and the screen freezes.
777
00:43:56,753 --> 00:44:00,805
And it says, "Chris killed six people,
and he's doing a double life sentence."
778
00:44:00,839 --> 00:44:02,766
Like, this dude is so bad
779
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:05,602
that when he dies and he's reincarnated,
780
00:44:05,636 --> 00:44:07,854
that guy is doing life in prison also.
781
00:44:09,766 --> 00:44:13,569
So this is a bad motherfucker right here.
782
00:44:13,603 --> 00:44:15,278
The kids are like squatting around,
783
00:44:15,312 --> 00:44:18,948
and Chris is like,
"Hey. My name's Crazy Chris.
784
00:44:18,982 --> 00:44:22,536
And from now on,
you will see me in your nightmares."
785
00:44:22,570 --> 00:44:25,539
And the kids are like,
"What the fuck?" Like...
786
00:44:25,573 --> 00:44:28,041
"I'm 12. Don't talk to me like that.
Man, that's crazy."
787
00:44:28,075 --> 00:44:31,712
And he goes, "If I ever see you again,
I'll take a bite out of each of you."
788
00:44:31,746 --> 00:44:35,716
And they're like, "All right.
We're reformed now. Thank you very much."
789
00:44:35,750 --> 00:44:37,634
Jesus. But they can't leave.
790
00:44:37,668 --> 00:44:42,431
The next guy comes up to them
and he goes, "Hold mah pocket!
791
00:44:42,465 --> 00:44:46,101
Hold mah pocket!"
792
00:44:46,135 --> 00:44:49,938
And he makes kids walk around
holding the inside of his pocket.
793
00:44:49,972 --> 00:44:52,399
You understand?
So he walks, and then they're like...
794
00:44:55,561 --> 00:44:57,487
I don't know what you know about prison,
795
00:44:57,521 --> 00:44:59,782
but if you're holding
onto another dude's pocket,
796
00:44:59,816 --> 00:45:03,910
it's gonna be a rough day. All right?
797
00:45:03,944 --> 00:45:06,955
Not only is this guy
making kids hold his...
798
00:45:06,989 --> 00:45:09,916
he's talking ridiculous shit
799
00:45:09,950 --> 00:45:11,794
to middle schoolers.
800
00:45:11,828 --> 00:45:14,379
He's like, "I'mma make you
suck my dick for breakfast!"
801
00:45:16,123 --> 00:45:19,050
"Every mornin'."
And the kids are like...
802
00:45:21,128 --> 00:45:23,179
"I hate breakfast! Ugh!"
803
00:45:26,550 --> 00:45:28,668
Funny shit like that.
804
00:45:30,137 --> 00:45:31,605
So...
805
00:45:33,891 --> 00:45:36,276
He's like,
"I'mma mush your motherfucking face!"
806
00:45:36,310 --> 00:45:38,069
And the kid's like...
807
00:45:38,103 --> 00:45:40,322
It's so fucking funny. Ah...
808
00:45:42,608 --> 00:45:46,411
There's one exchange where this dude,
he pulls a kid out of line.
809
00:45:46,445 --> 00:45:49,873
The kid's, like, 13. He weighs,
I don't know, a hundred pounds?
810
00:45:49,907 --> 00:45:51,625
And he has a bowl cut.
811
00:45:51,659 --> 00:45:53,918
Okay? He has a bowl cut.
812
00:45:55,245 --> 00:45:57,547
In prison.
813
00:45:57,581 --> 00:46:00,175
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
814
00:46:00,209 --> 00:46:02,969
It's parted in the middle.
815
00:46:03,003 --> 00:46:04,971
The prisoner goes, "Why you here?"
816
00:46:05,005 --> 00:46:07,932
And the kid's like...
"Ugh. Stealing."
817
00:46:07,966 --> 00:46:10,502
And he goes, "The fuck you took?"
818
00:46:14,891 --> 00:46:17,108
And the kids goes, "B... Bikes."
819
00:46:17,142 --> 00:46:19,569
And he goes, "Bikes!"
820
00:46:19,603 --> 00:46:21,655
And that's why I yell "bikes"
all the time.
821
00:46:31,323 --> 00:46:34,125
You should see me
when we drive by a bike store.
822
00:46:34,159 --> 00:46:36,628
Holy shit.
823
00:46:36,662 --> 00:46:39,715
I'll be driving. I'll be like, "Ahh..."
824
00:46:39,749 --> 00:46:44,427
And my wife, she's pretty over it. Um...
825
00:46:44,461 --> 00:46:46,095
She'll go, like, "You get one." I'm like,
826
00:46:46,129 --> 00:46:48,807
"All right, I'm gonna
make this shit count."
827
00:46:48,841 --> 00:46:51,393
So, I'll pull over,
roll down the window,
828
00:46:51,427 --> 00:46:54,979
and I wait till I see somebody
checking out one of the sidewalk displays,
829
00:46:55,013 --> 00:46:56,606
like with all the bikes out there,
830
00:46:56,640 --> 00:47:00,068
and when they find one they like
and they're like, "I like this one,"
831
00:47:00,102 --> 00:47:03,822
I'll go, "Bikes!"
And they're like, "What the fuck?!"
832
00:47:03,856 --> 00:47:06,324
And I go, "Stop selling drugs!"
And I drive off.
833
00:47:08,736 --> 00:47:09,828
That's right.
834
00:47:15,367 --> 00:47:17,794
Super fun. You should do it.
835
00:47:17,828 --> 00:47:19,588
Ah, man.
836
00:47:19,622 --> 00:47:22,257
So, my wife is the coolest, actually.
She's the best.
837
00:47:22,291 --> 00:47:26,052
And, uh, she...
we've been together ten years.
838
00:47:26,086 --> 00:47:28,137
And women will actually ask me, sometimes,
839
00:47:28,171 --> 00:47:31,182
they'll be like, "Ten years?
That's a pretty good run.
840
00:47:31,216 --> 00:47:33,727
What's the secret?
Is there a secret?"
841
00:47:33,761 --> 00:47:36,271
And I want to tell you that there is.
842
00:47:36,305 --> 00:47:39,983
And ladies,
the key to your man's heart
843
00:47:40,017 --> 00:47:43,027
is through his... taint.
844
00:47:43,061 --> 00:47:45,029
Now, if you don't know,
845
00:47:45,063 --> 00:47:47,532
the taint is that little strip of land
846
00:47:47,566 --> 00:47:50,243
between a man's balls and his butthole.
847
00:47:55,574 --> 00:47:58,501
Also known as the Devil's Driveway.
848
00:47:58,535 --> 00:48:01,922
Now...
849
00:48:01,956 --> 00:48:05,842
...some of you are like,
"I don't want to go there.
850
00:48:05,876 --> 00:48:08,303
That sounds scary."
851
00:48:08,337 --> 00:48:09,930
Well, yeah.
852
00:48:11,340 --> 00:48:13,308
Your man's perineum,
853
00:48:13,342 --> 00:48:17,353
that's like the Incan ruins of his body.
854
00:48:17,387 --> 00:48:20,774
And just like Machu Picchu,
its a little out of the way.
855
00:48:22,142 --> 00:48:26,822
But once you get there,
the rewards are oh, so glorious.
856
00:48:26,856 --> 00:48:29,866
Ladies, I just gave you
top secret clearance. Okay?
857
00:48:29,900 --> 00:48:33,829
Um, welcome to Area 51.
858
00:48:33,863 --> 00:48:36,915
Yeah. I never want to hear
another woman complain,
859
00:48:36,949 --> 00:48:39,292
"I can't get a guy to call me back."
860
00:48:39,326 --> 00:48:43,588
Well, take a vibrator,
press it against his chode,
861
00:48:43,622 --> 00:48:46,508
and you will have
to shut down a cell tower
862
00:48:46,542 --> 00:48:49,469
because that man
is gonna harass you. All right?
863
00:48:54,591 --> 00:48:56,059
Yeah.
864
00:48:56,093 --> 00:48:58,687
After you make him shiver.
865
00:49:01,765 --> 00:49:04,317
Don't be an asshole
and put it on high speed the first time.
866
00:49:04,351 --> 00:49:07,278
You'll send him to the emergency room.
But... Ease into it.
867
00:49:07,312 --> 00:49:09,447
One, two, three. He'll be like, all right!
868
00:49:15,946 --> 00:49:20,291
I'm not piling on you for
not doing enough, if you're a woman.
869
00:49:20,325 --> 00:49:22,585
Guys are the worst.
Absolutely.
870
00:49:22,619 --> 00:49:25,588
Every guy friend of mine
that complains about a sex thing,
871
00:49:25,622 --> 00:49:26,840
it's always the same stupid shit.
872
00:49:26,874 --> 00:49:31,453
They'll be like, "You know,
like, I liked her, but she's not slutty.
873
00:49:33,047 --> 00:49:34,305
She didn't do anything slutty."
874
00:49:34,339 --> 00:49:37,433
I'm like, "Huh. You tell her
what you like?" "Unh-unh."
875
00:49:37,467 --> 00:49:40,103
I'm like, "Oh.
Well, you weird silent fuck."
876
00:49:42,431 --> 00:49:44,273
"You gotta tell her.
If she likes you, she'll do it.
877
00:49:44,307 --> 00:49:47,276
Gotta tell her, 'Put on a clown suit
and peg me.' Or whatever you like."
878
00:49:50,397 --> 00:49:52,198
I'll tell you my favorite.
I don't give a shit.
879
00:49:52,232 --> 00:49:54,701
I love the medical genre.
880
00:49:54,735 --> 00:49:56,078
That is my favorite.
881
00:49:56,112 --> 00:49:59,539
I love those pornos
where the guy goes in the doctor's office.
882
00:49:59,573 --> 00:50:01,624
He's like, "Oh, my back hurts."
883
00:50:01,658 --> 00:50:05,879
The nurse is like, "That's 'cause your
big stupid balls are full. Get over here."
884
00:50:07,456 --> 00:50:09,365
I love that.
885
00:50:11,168 --> 00:50:15,471
I love it, I told my wife,
and now we have scrubs.
886
00:50:18,216 --> 00:50:20,685
Everybody likes it. Don't act like...
whenever you...
887
00:50:20,719 --> 00:50:24,022
If you're a guy and you see a nurse,
you always are like...
888
00:50:24,056 --> 00:50:27,191
"Maybe she'll suck it."
Like that. Like, you always...
889
00:50:27,225 --> 00:50:29,986
Even if you see a nurse walking around,
you're like, "Hey.
890
00:50:30,020 --> 00:50:31,821
What? No,
I didn't say anything. I was just..."
891
00:50:33,315 --> 00:50:36,076
"Do you? Okay, no, you don't? Okay.
892
00:50:36,110 --> 00:50:38,536
No, I feel fine. Thank you."
893
00:50:38,570 --> 00:50:40,371
It's the best. I love...
894
00:50:40,405 --> 00:50:43,291
I love, though, on the medical pornos,
those scenes,
895
00:50:43,325 --> 00:50:47,336
they always end with letting you know
how he's doing medically.
896
00:50:47,370 --> 00:50:49,881
Like the guy goes, "Uhhh.
897
00:50:49,915 --> 00:50:52,383
My back feels better."
You're like, "Oh, wow."
898
00:50:53,585 --> 00:50:57,539
"We were all worried
about your third lumbar. So, that's good."
899
00:50:59,008 --> 00:51:00,767
Crazy, and I swear, this is true,
900
00:51:00,801 --> 00:51:02,477
as much as I love that shit,
901
00:51:02,511 --> 00:51:07,607
I have never in my life
seen a smaller version of my own dick
902
00:51:07,641 --> 00:51:09,109
than when I'm in the doctor's office.
903
00:51:09,143 --> 00:51:11,861
Like, it gets so small,
904
00:51:11,895 --> 00:51:13,571
and it leans to the left.
905
00:51:13,605 --> 00:51:15,698
So my dick is like, "What did you say?"
906
00:51:17,651 --> 00:51:19,327
"Hmm?
907
00:51:19,361 --> 00:51:22,455
Should I be here, Dad?"
908
00:51:22,489 --> 00:51:26,292
You ever yell at it?
You're like, "What the fuck?!
909
00:51:26,326 --> 00:51:28,670
Monday we were hitting thigh,
and today you're like,
910
00:51:28,704 --> 00:51:32,507
'I want to stay in bed and read. So...'"
911
00:51:32,541 --> 00:51:35,510
"'You go out.
I'm gonna draw a bath. Bye.'"
912
00:51:35,544 --> 00:51:38,162
And you'll be like,
"You stupid little dick!"
913
00:51:39,589 --> 00:51:42,058
They have porno suggestions.
Isn't that weird too?
914
00:51:42,092 --> 00:51:44,519
Like you watch a scene,
It's like, "You might also like..."
915
00:51:44,553 --> 00:51:46,938
And you're like, "What?"
916
00:51:46,972 --> 00:51:49,315
And then its like some weird sh...
It's like,
917
00:51:49,349 --> 00:51:52,194
"Sis is mad at her brother
for not leaving,
918
00:51:52,228 --> 00:51:56,698
so she blows him."
And you're like, "Ugh! Gross.
919
00:51:56,732 --> 00:51:59,909
All right, I'm gonna see
what it looks like."
920
00:51:59,943 --> 00:52:02,270
They're not really related.
921
00:52:05,615 --> 00:52:09,169
That scene is so stupid cause they always
call each other Bro and Sis,
922
00:52:09,203 --> 00:52:12,338
like any fucking people
on the planet do that.
923
00:52:12,372 --> 00:52:15,675
The girl's like, "Bro! My friends
are coming over. Get outta here."
924
00:52:15,709 --> 00:52:18,720
He's like, "No way, Sis. Not leaving."
925
00:52:18,754 --> 00:52:20,847
"Come on! What'll it take?"
926
00:52:20,881 --> 00:52:23,349
"Boop. Right there.
That's what it'll take."
927
00:52:23,383 --> 00:52:25,060
"Okay." And you're like, "All right.
928
00:52:25,094 --> 00:52:27,145
It's not a good premise,
but I'll watch it."
929
00:52:33,060 --> 00:52:36,112
Let me ask you this.
930
00:52:36,146 --> 00:52:37,446
If you're white,
931
00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:42,410
aren't you a little tired of being
blamed for every racial injustice?
932
00:52:42,444 --> 00:52:45,163
- Like, doesn't part of you...
- Yeah!
933
00:52:49,492 --> 00:52:51,253
Yeah, yeah. No, that's good. So...
934
00:52:53,122 --> 00:52:56,091
People are like, "What the fuck?"
935
00:52:56,125 --> 00:52:59,052
No! That's what I'm saying! Like...
936
00:52:59,086 --> 00:53:01,304
Don't you kinda want to tell, like,
the other people,
937
00:53:01,338 --> 00:53:04,307
"Why doesn't your group
get their shit together, and then
938
00:53:04,341 --> 00:53:08,352
you can ascend to the top and then
you can oppress other people."
939
00:53:11,307 --> 00:53:13,482
Not as many claps on that one.
Well, uh...
940
00:53:18,105 --> 00:53:19,114
Oops.
941
00:53:21,024 --> 00:53:22,742
Here's all I'm saying. Okay?
942
00:53:22,776 --> 00:53:25,954
Every race is racist. Okay?
943
00:53:25,988 --> 00:53:29,791
We're the best at it,
but every race is racist.
944
00:53:29,825 --> 00:53:31,084
Who's super racist?
945
00:53:31,118 --> 00:53:33,544
Asians. Right? Yeah, you guys are...
946
00:53:33,578 --> 00:53:36,906
You're nodding. Like, "You know
goddamn right I am. Of course."
947
00:53:38,416 --> 00:53:41,177
You don't know about it?
There's a hierarchy to the whole thing.
948
00:53:41,211 --> 00:53:43,972
Here's how it works.
Japanese, they're number one,
949
00:53:44,006 --> 00:53:46,599
which is weird 'cause
their genitals are blurry.
950
00:53:46,633 --> 00:53:49,727
But they're number one. Right?
951
00:53:49,761 --> 00:53:51,980
Then...
952
00:53:56,226 --> 00:53:59,112
Chinese and Koreans are right there.
953
00:53:59,146 --> 00:54:02,907
And everybody else
who's, like, tan, like...
954
00:54:04,693 --> 00:54:07,036
Vietnamese and Filipino, they're like...
955
00:54:07,070 --> 00:54:08,746
"Fuck you!"
956
00:54:10,282 --> 00:54:12,083
True or not?
957
00:54:12,117 --> 00:54:13,793
Yeah.
958
00:54:13,827 --> 00:54:16,879
Don't you feel better about everything
right now? Like...
959
00:54:16,913 --> 00:54:18,714
What's your ethnic background?
960
00:54:18,748 --> 00:54:23,219
You're Chinese? That's number two.
That's almost at the top.
961
00:54:23,253 --> 00:54:25,513
That's great.
962
00:54:25,547 --> 00:54:28,308
That's gotta feel good, right?
963
00:54:28,342 --> 00:54:30,226
Who did you, like...
964
00:54:30,260 --> 00:54:33,021
Who did your parents talk
the most shit about, growing up?
965
00:54:33,055 --> 00:54:36,107
Wait. Were you raised
in an Asian household,
966
00:54:36,141 --> 00:54:39,027
or are you one of those,
"That's cute, lets get one of those"?
967
00:54:42,439 --> 00:54:44,766
'Cause that's a legit question.
968
00:54:47,944 --> 00:54:51,455
Asian? So who'd your parents talk the most
shit about growing up, racially?
969
00:54:51,489 --> 00:54:53,249
- Be honest. Huh?
- Japanese.
970
00:54:53,283 --> 00:54:57,420
Japanese! Fuckin'... All right, so...
971
00:54:57,454 --> 00:54:59,214
Do you hate Japanese people?
972
00:54:59,248 --> 00:55:01,799
No? They fucking hate you.
A lot.
973
00:55:05,628 --> 00:55:07,389
You know they do. Uh...
974
00:55:07,423 --> 00:55:11,142
What do your parents say about them?
What's the shit that they talk?
975
00:55:11,176 --> 00:55:13,186
They wanted me to marry one.
976
00:55:13,220 --> 00:55:14,687
They wanted you to marry one?
977
00:55:17,224 --> 00:55:20,151
They wanted her to do whatever you want.
978
00:55:20,185 --> 00:55:23,888
Are your parents Saudi or...?
979
00:55:26,275 --> 00:55:29,785
Can I get this fucking straight
for a second?
980
00:55:29,819 --> 00:55:33,206
Your parents were like,
"We want our beautiful Chinese boy
981
00:55:33,240 --> 00:55:36,000
to marry a Japanese girl
982
00:55:36,034 --> 00:55:39,170
so that 'she'll do whatever you want'"?
983
00:55:39,204 --> 00:55:41,130
- Meaning they're submissive?
- Yes.
984
00:55:41,164 --> 00:55:44,867
Yeah. All right. So who's this fucking
lady sitting next to you?
985
00:55:49,798 --> 00:55:51,766
What's she all about?
986
00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:53,893
Hey! Don't fucking answer. It's his world.
987
00:55:53,927 --> 00:55:57,730
What is... What is, uh...
988
00:55:57,764 --> 00:55:59,399
Ask him if you can answer.
989
00:56:04,480 --> 00:56:06,489
She's Chinese? Damn!
990
00:56:09,276 --> 00:56:11,453
Do you know...
991
00:56:11,487 --> 00:56:13,788
Do you know how I found out
about Asian racism?
992
00:56:13,822 --> 00:56:16,332
This is how I found out about it.
I had no idea.
993
00:56:16,366 --> 00:56:18,667
I'm shooting a commercial in L.A.,
994
00:56:18,701 --> 00:56:21,337
and they fly in a Japanese director, okay?
995
00:56:21,371 --> 00:56:23,881
Uhhh. Grunts, everything. So...
996
00:56:23,915 --> 00:56:26,884
Yeah. So I was like,
"Do you have indigestion?"
997
00:56:26,918 --> 00:56:28,594
He was, "Uhh. No."
998
00:56:28,628 --> 00:56:31,306
We're shooting the commercial,
and between takes,
999
00:56:31,340 --> 00:56:33,599
there's a Filipino production assistant.
1000
00:56:33,633 --> 00:56:36,269
So, he come up and talks to us
and he walks away.
1001
00:56:36,303 --> 00:56:39,188
And when he walks away,
I see the Japanese director
1002
00:56:39,222 --> 00:56:42,591
give him a very dismissive look, like...
1003
00:56:44,060 --> 00:56:48,323
And I go, "Hey! I saw that, with my eyes.
What was that all about?"
1004
00:56:48,357 --> 00:56:51,575
I go, "You don't like him?"
And he goes...
1005
00:56:51,609 --> 00:56:55,204
And I go, "Why not?"
And he goes...
1006
00:56:56,573 --> 00:56:58,166
Did you catch it? It was really fast.
1007
00:56:59,826 --> 00:57:03,921
He basically said, "I don't like him
'cause I don't like his skin color."
1008
00:57:03,955 --> 00:57:06,632
And he did it with this little gesture.
1009
00:57:06,666 --> 00:57:10,094
And I was like, "Holy shit!
1010
00:57:10,128 --> 00:57:13,431
That's fucking brilliant.
How did I not think of that?"
1011
00:57:13,465 --> 00:57:16,267
You don't have to worry about people
hearing you and getting hit.
1012
00:57:16,301 --> 00:57:18,186
Just make a little thing
and move it along. Like...
1013
00:57:20,138 --> 00:57:24,108
Don't act like you're not gonna use that
five fucking times this week.
1014
00:57:28,938 --> 00:57:32,741
When you're in your favorite restaurant
and "they" come in, you're like...
1015
00:57:34,236 --> 00:57:36,037
"Let's take it to go. Thanks a lot."
1016
00:57:40,992 --> 00:57:44,086
Oh, guys. Thank you for having jobs.
1017
00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:46,548
Um... I'm assuming you do.
1018
00:57:46,582 --> 00:57:50,759
I don't fucking know. You're here.
Maybe you robbed somebody. But...
1019
00:57:50,793 --> 00:57:54,722
I was just thinking about how long
it's been since I've had a job,
1020
00:57:54,756 --> 00:57:58,684
and how I absolutely could not
get one right now.
1021
00:57:58,718 --> 00:58:01,729
If I went into a place and gave them
my résumé, they'd be like,
1022
00:58:01,763 --> 00:58:05,941
"What's with this 13-year gap
on here, man?"
1023
00:58:05,975 --> 00:58:10,238
And I'd be like, "What's with all
the questions, dude? Chill out."
1024
00:58:10,272 --> 00:58:14,158
I mean, if I had to get a job,
I think I would just go for a job
1025
00:58:14,192 --> 00:58:16,744
where no one knows
what the fuck I'm talking about,
1026
00:58:16,778 --> 00:58:19,497
so I could just make shit up. Because...
1027
00:58:19,531 --> 00:58:20,915
There's a few of those.
1028
00:58:20,949 --> 00:58:24,919
Like, the spokesman
for an arson investigation. Um...
1029
00:58:24,953 --> 00:58:28,423
Arson means fire, by the way.
I'm seeing a lot of blank faces. And...
1030
00:58:30,166 --> 00:58:31,842
You can see them online.
1031
00:58:31,876 --> 00:58:34,637
Like, a guy comes out to a podium,
1032
00:58:34,671 --> 00:58:36,722
and there's a mic
and there's news people around.
1033
00:58:36,756 --> 00:58:39,475
There's a burned down building
behind, and he's just like...
1034
00:58:39,509 --> 00:58:42,395
"Hey. That shit burned down."
1035
00:58:44,556 --> 00:58:46,566
"Could you tell us a little more?"
1036
00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:49,735
He's like, "What?" Totally aggravated.
"What do you wanna know?"
1037
00:58:49,769 --> 00:58:52,888
"How did it start?"
"It was a match."
1038
00:58:54,441 --> 00:58:57,743
And they go, "How do you know?"
"We found it."
1039
00:58:57,777 --> 00:59:01,914
"It." Like it's one. There's other
matches and he's like, "Mm-mmm."
1040
00:59:01,948 --> 00:59:03,607
"This one."
1041
00:59:04,993 --> 00:59:06,669
They go,
"How do you know that's the match?"
1042
00:59:06,703 --> 00:59:09,947
"Just complicated fire shit.
You wouldn't understand."
1043
00:59:11,958 --> 00:59:13,092
Thing is, man,
1044
00:59:13,126 --> 00:59:17,221
I miss zero part of having a day job.
1045
00:59:17,255 --> 00:59:19,140
That's the truth. I miss zero part.
1046
00:59:19,174 --> 00:59:21,517
The only part I still miss
1047
00:59:21,551 --> 00:59:26,439
is spreading rumors and gossip
about people that work there.
1048
00:59:26,473 --> 00:59:28,441
That's the fucking best.
1049
00:59:28,475 --> 00:59:30,818
It is! I remember.
1050
00:59:30,852 --> 00:59:32,570
Going to work sucks.
1051
00:59:32,604 --> 00:59:34,697
That's universal. I mean, shit!
1052
00:59:34,731 --> 00:59:36,574
Most of you will have it on Monday.
1053
00:59:36,608 --> 00:59:39,535
Fuckin'... the alarm goes off,
and you go, "Motherfucker!"
1054
00:59:45,867 --> 00:59:47,876
"Today's gonna suck!"
1055
00:59:51,080 --> 00:59:56,051
"But I'm gonna talk shit about Amanda
when I get there." And then that...
1056
00:59:56,085 --> 00:59:57,886
raises your spirit right?
1057
00:59:57,920 --> 01:00:01,349
You think about that in the shower.
"I'm gonna ruin Amanda's day today."
1058
01:00:02,967 --> 01:00:05,669
"This is for you, Amanda. Aahh."
1059
01:00:07,305 --> 01:00:12,109
The fucked-up thing is people
making you feel badly for enjoying that.
1060
01:00:12,143 --> 01:00:14,696
You shouldn't feel badly
for enjoying gossip.
1061
01:00:14,730 --> 01:00:17,573
It's 100 percent normal
and natural to
1062
01:00:17,607 --> 01:00:21,536
because it's definitely
an extension of childhood.
1063
01:00:21,570 --> 01:00:25,623
Because all of us, when we were kids,
and all kids now,
1064
01:00:25,657 --> 01:00:30,127
for a certain period of time,
the worst storytellers ever, okay?
1065
01:00:30,161 --> 01:00:32,963
You don't know shit
about editing information,
1066
01:00:32,997 --> 01:00:35,383
enhancing things,
keeping people's interest.
1067
01:00:35,417 --> 01:00:37,760
You don't have to have a kid to
know about this.
1068
01:00:37,794 --> 01:00:40,179
Talk to any kid. A friends kid.
A niece, a nephew.
1069
01:00:40,213 --> 01:00:43,307
It's when you go to a kid, you go like,
"Hey, were you outside?"
1070
01:00:43,341 --> 01:00:45,142
And they go, "Yeah!" And you're like,
1071
01:00:45,176 --> 01:00:48,396
"Why don't you dial that back?
That was crazy. Okay?"
1072
01:00:48,430 --> 01:00:51,566
And then you ask one question, like,
"How was that?" And they go,
1073
01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:55,194
"I have... When...
When Jeanette came by,
1074
01:00:55,228 --> 01:00:58,197
she... she didn't...
she brought the yellow cup that...
1075
01:00:58,231 --> 01:01:01,409
she didn't want to kick the ball back,
but I said, can...
1076
01:01:01,443 --> 01:01:03,786
'Cause Brian's cup is red,
1077
01:01:03,820 --> 01:01:07,582
that if you... if you...
if you don't have it now,
1078
01:01:07,616 --> 01:01:10,084
then you don't have to bring the blue...
1079
01:01:10,118 --> 01:01:13,462
'Cause the blue one
that Jane had was with her.
1080
01:01:13,496 --> 01:01:15,130
I said, 'If you don't have it,
1081
01:01:15,164 --> 01:01:18,342
you can... you can use mine now,
but then...
1082
01:01:18,376 --> 01:01:20,636
then next it's my turn.'"
1083
01:01:20,670 --> 01:01:23,138
You go, "That was a great fucking story.
Thank you."
1084
01:01:29,846 --> 01:01:31,230
Je-sus!
1085
01:01:33,516 --> 01:01:38,153
And then kids accidentally tell
their first good story.
1086
01:01:38,187 --> 01:01:40,573
They don't mean to, it's an accident.
1087
01:01:40,607 --> 01:01:42,283
That's why it leaves an impact.
1088
01:01:42,317 --> 01:01:44,285
'Cause you go, "Were you at the park?"
1089
01:01:44,319 --> 01:01:45,828
And they go, "Yeah."
1090
01:01:45,862 --> 01:01:47,371
And you go, "How was that?"
1091
01:01:47,405 --> 01:01:49,290
And they go, "I saw Uncle Jeff,
1092
01:01:49,324 --> 01:01:53,628
and he had a lady sitting on his lap.
But it wasn't Aunt Maria."
1093
01:01:53,662 --> 01:01:55,003
And you're like, "What?"
1094
01:01:59,959 --> 01:02:04,930
And the kid's like, "Shit, I've never seen
that fucking face before!"
1095
01:02:04,964 --> 01:02:09,518
And you're like, "That's a good story.
Go find more stories like that."
1096
01:02:11,346 --> 01:02:13,063
That's burned into your psyche.
1097
01:02:13,097 --> 01:02:15,775
That's why you go to work,
you see your coworker,
1098
01:02:15,809 --> 01:02:17,485
you're like, "Hey, I got some juice."
1099
01:02:17,519 --> 01:02:20,863
And they're like, "Is it gonna negatively
impact somebody's life?"
1100
01:02:20,897 --> 01:02:22,865
"Yeah." And they're like,
1101
01:02:22,899 --> 01:02:24,992
"Fucking hook that shit up!"
1102
01:02:29,531 --> 01:02:33,292
I've spread so many fucking rumors.
1103
01:02:33,326 --> 01:02:37,588
My favorite part about rumors,
nobody verifies shit.
1104
01:02:37,622 --> 01:02:39,548
Somebody says something once
and you're like,
1105
01:02:39,582 --> 01:02:42,826
"Cool, I'll roll with that forever.
Thanks, man."
1106
01:02:43,920 --> 01:02:46,722
"Are you gonna fact check that?"
"Why? You said it out loud.
1107
01:02:46,756 --> 01:02:51,310
I don't have to check anything out.
It's now a fact. So, whatever."
1108
01:02:51,344 --> 01:02:55,397
It's a seed, right?
You ever a part of one that just grows?
1109
01:02:55,431 --> 01:02:58,317
I remember years ago,
I'm watching a movie with my dad.
1110
01:02:58,351 --> 01:02:59,819
In the middle of the movie,
1111
01:02:59,853 --> 01:03:03,030
the actor, Tommy Lee Jones,
appears onscreen.
1112
01:03:03,064 --> 01:03:04,532
Great actor. Oscar winner.
1113
01:03:04,566 --> 01:03:10,287
Unprompted, my dad turns to me
and he goes, "Did you know he was gay?"
1114
01:03:10,321 --> 01:03:13,040
And I was like, "No."
1115
01:03:13,074 --> 01:03:14,124
"Yeah."
1116
01:03:16,077 --> 01:03:19,046
Now, it doesn't matter, and I don't care.
1117
01:03:19,080 --> 01:03:21,507
But I decided I would tell
1118
01:03:21,541 --> 01:03:25,260
everyone I ever met
for the rest of my life
1119
01:03:25,294 --> 01:03:27,971
that Tommy Lee Jones is gay.
1120
01:03:28,005 --> 01:03:31,016
I told a lot of people.
1121
01:03:31,050 --> 01:03:33,977
Like, from The Fugitive
through No Country for Old Men.
1122
01:03:34,011 --> 01:03:37,606
I told everybody.
1123
01:03:37,640 --> 01:03:42,403
Until one day I told somebody
and he goes, "No, he isn't."
1124
01:03:42,437 --> 01:03:44,446
And I was like, "Yeah, he is."
1125
01:03:44,480 --> 01:03:46,281
And he goes, "How do you know that?"
1126
01:03:46,315 --> 01:03:48,200
And I said, "My dad told me."
1127
01:03:50,653 --> 01:03:52,496
"What? Your dad fuck him
or something?"
1128
01:03:54,115 --> 01:03:57,125
I was like, "I don't think so."
1129
01:03:57,159 --> 01:03:59,420
Then he goes, "I've known him 40 years.
1130
01:03:59,454 --> 01:04:03,006
I know his wife and kids. I knew him
when he was single. He is not gay."
1131
01:04:03,040 --> 01:04:05,843
And I go, "What is happening right now?"
1132
01:04:07,462 --> 01:04:10,097
And I called my dad immediately.
1133
01:04:10,131 --> 01:04:13,308
And I was like, "Dad!
1134
01:04:13,342 --> 01:04:18,981
I just got confirmation
that Tommy Lee Jones isn't gay."
1135
01:04:19,015 --> 01:04:22,192
And my dad goes,
"Oh, I thought he was."
1136
01:04:24,437 --> 01:04:28,574
"Is that the end of your investigation?
Are you fucking serious?
1137
01:04:28,608 --> 01:04:31,953
Why did you tell me that?"
He goes, "I don't know."
1138
01:04:31,987 --> 01:04:36,123
I said, "Did somebody tell you?"
He goes, "I can't remember."
1139
01:04:36,157 --> 01:04:40,502
I said, "Have you been telling everybody
for 15 years that Tommy Lee Jones is gay?"
1140
01:04:40,536 --> 01:04:42,588
And he goes, "Yep."
1141
01:04:42,622 --> 01:04:46,341
I go, "Don't you think we should stop?"
He goes, "Now we should."
1142
01:04:48,544 --> 01:04:50,663
Just made that shit up.
1143
01:04:51,673 --> 01:04:54,516
This is not made-up.
I'll tell you this, man.
1144
01:04:54,550 --> 01:04:56,560
Not too long ago,
1145
01:04:56,594 --> 01:05:00,188
I met former heavyweight
champion of the world
1146
01:05:00,222 --> 01:05:02,566
Iron Mike Tyson. And...
1147
01:05:07,104 --> 01:05:12,075
It completely changed my perspective
on a famous person,
1148
01:05:12,109 --> 01:05:14,787
'cause I thought I knew famous people.
1149
01:05:14,821 --> 01:05:17,331
Friends of mine on TV and movies,
1150
01:05:17,365 --> 01:05:20,375
they are dog shit next to Mike Tyson.
1151
01:05:20,409 --> 01:05:25,172
Think about how... he is famous
the way an ex-president is famous,
1152
01:05:25,206 --> 01:05:29,092
in that he can't go anywhere in the world
without everyone knowing who he is.
1153
01:05:29,126 --> 01:05:33,096
You can take him to the Philippines,
you can take him to Siberia,
1154
01:05:33,130 --> 01:05:35,265
you can take him to Namibia
and people would be like,
1155
01:05:35,299 --> 01:05:38,811
"Mike Tyson."
Everybody knows Mike Tyson.
1156
01:05:38,845 --> 01:05:42,356
That's a perfect impression,
by the way. So...
1157
01:05:42,390 --> 01:05:46,944
we're on an afternoon flight
from L.A. to Pittsburgh.
1158
01:05:46,978 --> 01:05:50,155
He is sitting across the aisle
one row back.
1159
01:05:50,189 --> 01:05:51,866
He's right there.
1160
01:05:51,900 --> 01:05:55,327
It takes an extra hour
to board the flight. Why?
1161
01:05:55,361 --> 01:05:59,707
Because every passenger that boards
sees him, and they're like,
1162
01:05:59,741 --> 01:06:02,584
"Get the fuck out of here."
1163
01:06:02,618 --> 01:06:05,046
And they shit their pants.
1164
01:06:05,080 --> 01:06:07,756
And he's super nice.
He shakes everyone's hand.
1165
01:06:07,790 --> 01:06:10,509
Flight attendants are telling people,
"Go to your seat."
1166
01:06:10,543 --> 01:06:13,136
And they're like, "Nope."
1167
01:06:13,170 --> 01:06:15,430
"Talking to him."
1168
01:06:15,464 --> 01:06:17,307
"We're not asking you,
we're telling you."
1169
01:06:17,341 --> 01:06:19,935
"I don't give a shit.
I'm not going anywhere."
1170
01:06:19,969 --> 01:06:23,105
It takes forever. We leave late.
I don't say anything.
1171
01:06:23,139 --> 01:06:25,315
About half an hour's left in the flight,
1172
01:06:25,349 --> 01:06:28,527
and then I tell myself,
"You have to say something.
1173
01:06:28,561 --> 01:06:30,320
You're never going to run into him again."
1174
01:06:30,354 --> 01:06:34,033
So I get up, walk over to his seat
and I go, "I'm sorry to bother you.
1175
01:06:34,067 --> 01:06:37,078
I grew up watching all of your fights,
and I'm a big fan."
1176
01:06:37,112 --> 01:06:38,913
And he goes, "Thank you."
1177
01:06:40,115 --> 01:06:43,042
I said, "I'm just curious,
why are you going to Pittsburgh?"
1178
01:06:43,076 --> 01:06:46,128
He goes, "I'm promoting a fight.
What about you?"
1179
01:06:46,162 --> 01:06:49,048
I said, "I'm a comedian.
I'm going to do shows."
1180
01:06:49,082 --> 01:06:51,158
And he goes...
1181
01:06:52,543 --> 01:06:54,177
"You're a comedian?"
1182
01:06:54,211 --> 01:06:55,303
I go, "Yeah."
1183
01:06:55,337 --> 01:06:56,972
He said, "Where's your show?"
1184
01:06:57,006 --> 01:07:00,183
I said "It's a comedy club
called the Pittsburgh Improv."
1185
01:07:00,217 --> 01:07:01,727
And he goes, "Where's that?"
1186
01:07:01,761 --> 01:07:05,188
And I go, "I have no fucking idea."
1187
01:07:05,222 --> 01:07:07,733
And he goes, "Is your show tonight?"
And I go, "No.
1188
01:07:07,767 --> 01:07:10,527
It's eleven o'clock at night
and we're on a plane."
1189
01:07:17,193 --> 01:07:19,520
"We're in the sky right now, Mike."
1190
01:07:21,030 --> 01:07:22,998
He goes, "Well, when's your show?"
1191
01:07:23,032 --> 01:07:24,959
And I go, "Tomorrow."
1192
01:07:24,993 --> 01:07:26,334
And he goes, "Where?"
1193
01:07:26,368 --> 01:07:29,738
And I go,
"Still at the Pittsburgh Improv."
1194
01:07:30,748 --> 01:07:32,466
He goes, "How do I find it?"
1195
01:07:32,500 --> 01:07:36,637
I go, "I don't fucking know.
Google it."
1196
01:07:36,671 --> 01:07:39,598
Then it hits me, like, two seconds later
1197
01:07:39,632 --> 01:07:42,977
how batshit crazy it is of me
1198
01:07:43,011 --> 01:07:45,353
to tell him to like, Google it.
1199
01:07:45,387 --> 01:07:48,273
You know? Like...
1200
01:07:48,307 --> 01:07:50,192
"You figure it out, fuckface!"
1201
01:07:51,519 --> 01:07:53,904
Am I out of my mind? So...
1202
01:07:53,938 --> 01:07:56,281
I grab a DVD out of my bag,
I give it to him.
1203
01:07:56,315 --> 01:07:59,785
I go, "It has my name on it, just
type it in. It'll show you where I'm at."
1204
01:07:59,819 --> 01:08:02,955
He goes, "Thank you."
I go, "That's cool. I met Tyson."
1205
01:08:02,989 --> 01:08:06,541
Ten seconds later,
I'm sitting in my seat and I hear,
1206
01:08:06,575 --> 01:08:08,251
"Tom?"
1207
01:08:13,708 --> 01:08:16,718
"Yes, Mike Tyson?"
1208
01:08:16,752 --> 01:08:18,971
He goes,
"Were you on television recently?"
1209
01:08:19,005 --> 01:08:21,098
And I go, "Mm-mmm."
1210
01:08:21,132 --> 01:08:22,933
He goes, "Are you sure?"
1211
01:08:22,967 --> 01:08:24,643
And I go, "Yeah, I think so."
1212
01:08:24,677 --> 01:08:26,353
And he goes, "Nothing?"
1213
01:08:26,387 --> 01:08:28,856
And I go, "I mean, I'm on Netflix."
1214
01:08:28,890 --> 01:08:31,233
And he goes, "I fucking love Netflix."
1215
01:08:34,103 --> 01:08:35,154
"Okay."
1216
01:08:35,188 --> 01:08:37,948
He goes, "What's your favorite show
on Netflix, Tom?"
1217
01:08:37,982 --> 01:08:41,326
I go, "Are we really doing this right now?
1218
01:08:41,360 --> 01:08:43,745
Like, shouting across the aisle?"
1219
01:08:43,779 --> 01:08:46,123
"I like House of Cards, man!" Like...
1220
01:08:47,992 --> 01:08:49,793
It feels crazy, okay?
1221
01:08:49,827 --> 01:08:52,129
So, I'm super nervous.
I don't know what to say...
1222
01:08:52,163 --> 01:08:55,007
I'm like, "I don't know.
I watched Breaking Bad on Netflix."
1223
01:08:55,041 --> 01:08:58,093
And he goes,
"My wife likes Breaking Bad."
1224
01:08:58,127 --> 01:09:00,804
But he said it like,
"You like shit my wife likes."
1225
01:09:00,838 --> 01:09:03,098
And I was like, "Ugh."
1226
01:09:03,132 --> 01:09:05,934
Then his eyes light up like saucers,
and he's like,
1227
01:09:05,968 --> 01:09:08,311
"Oh! You like Sons of Anarchy?"
1228
01:09:08,345 --> 01:09:11,065
And I know it's a great show.
There's a lot of great shows.
1229
01:09:11,099 --> 01:09:13,275
I can't see every show.
I've never seen it.
1230
01:09:13,309 --> 01:09:16,862
Do you ever lie?
Like a child to an adult?
1231
01:09:16,896 --> 01:09:19,740
'Cause you think they'll like you more
if you like the same thing?
1232
01:09:19,774 --> 01:09:23,244
Well, I saw that face and I go,
"It's my favorite show of all time."
1233
01:09:27,865 --> 01:09:30,042
And he's like, "It's the shit!"
1234
01:09:30,076 --> 01:09:33,212
And I was like, "Oh, I know.
That one episode? That's my favorite."
1235
01:09:33,246 --> 01:09:37,382
And then he gives me
a fist bump across the aisle, right?
1236
01:09:37,416 --> 01:09:39,093
Is this not registering to you?
1237
01:09:39,127 --> 01:09:42,054
I get a Mike Tyson fist bump.
1238
01:09:44,840 --> 01:09:47,268
Yeah.
1239
01:09:47,302 --> 01:09:52,522
I can feel his powers
transferring from his hand into mine.
1240
01:09:52,556 --> 01:09:56,026
I'm like, "Oh, shit." That's crazy, right?
1241
01:09:56,060 --> 01:09:57,736
I'm so happy.
1242
01:09:57,770 --> 01:09:59,529
And then a few seconds later,
1243
01:09:59,563 --> 01:10:01,949
I feel a bear paw on my shoulder.
1244
01:10:01,983 --> 01:10:05,535
And I turn,
and Tyson is standing above me.
1245
01:10:05,569 --> 01:10:08,580
I'm like, "Jesus Christ!"
1246
01:10:08,614 --> 01:10:14,336
Immediately he leans down and he whispers
in my ear so nobody else can hear,
1247
01:10:14,370 --> 01:10:19,133
and he goes,
"I've been watching a lot of Netflix."
1248
01:10:19,167 --> 01:10:22,327
That's it. That's all he said.
1249
01:10:25,547 --> 01:10:28,767
Dude, I never thought
that sentence could be terrifying.
1250
01:10:33,222 --> 01:10:36,358
And now he's just looking at me like,
"Now you say something, bitch."
1251
01:10:36,392 --> 01:10:38,152
Ya know?
1252
01:10:38,186 --> 01:10:42,072
I was like, "I never turn it off.
It's the best." I don't know what to say.
1253
01:10:42,106 --> 01:10:44,116
He goes, "Now I recognize you."
1254
01:10:44,150 --> 01:10:45,492
And I go, "What?"
1255
01:10:45,526 --> 01:10:47,328
And he holds up the DVD.
1256
01:10:47,362 --> 01:10:51,039
And I go, "I just gave that to you."
1257
01:10:51,073 --> 01:10:53,792
And he goes,
"It's the same picture that's on Netflix."
1258
01:10:53,826 --> 01:10:56,128
And I go, "Oh, yeah.
That's the same picture."
1259
01:10:56,162 --> 01:10:57,671
He goes, "I know who you are."
1260
01:10:57,705 --> 01:10:59,381
I go, "That's crazy."
1261
01:10:59,415 --> 01:11:01,049
And he goes,
"Give me your phone number."
1262
01:11:01,083 --> 01:11:03,410
And I go, "What?!"
1263
01:11:04,920 --> 01:11:07,055
I give him my number, we land.
1264
01:11:07,089 --> 01:11:09,599
I fucking run off the plane. Okay?
1265
01:11:09,633 --> 01:11:14,104
It's like...
too much weird shit for one day.
1266
01:11:14,138 --> 01:11:15,563
The next day,
1267
01:11:15,597 --> 01:11:21,553
I'm sitting in my hotel room,
and I get a text message from Mike Tyson.
1268
01:11:28,986 --> 01:11:30,745
You know what it says?
1269
01:11:30,779 --> 01:11:33,899
"Where's your show?"
1270
01:11:35,826 --> 01:11:38,086
And I go, "The Pittsburgh Improv."
1271
01:11:38,120 --> 01:11:40,505
"Where's that?"
1272
01:11:40,539 --> 01:11:42,049
I fucking Google it.
1273
01:11:44,543 --> 01:11:47,221
I send it to him, and the phone rings.
1274
01:11:47,255 --> 01:11:50,807
"Hey, Tom."
1275
01:11:50,841 --> 01:11:53,127
And I go, "'Sup, Champ?"
1276
01:12:02,395 --> 01:12:05,364
He goes, "We're coming
to your show tonight, brother."
1277
01:12:05,398 --> 01:12:08,200
And I go, "That's fucking crazy!"
1278
01:12:08,234 --> 01:12:10,493
He goes, "Yeah, we wanna watch you
do your work."
1279
01:12:10,527 --> 01:12:12,120
And I go, "Well, I'm honored."
1280
01:12:12,154 --> 01:12:14,664
And he goes, "It's all love."
1281
01:12:18,702 --> 01:12:21,504
I know what he's saying.
I know the expression.
1282
01:12:21,538 --> 01:12:24,966
And I just want to reciprocate,
but I... I don't know what to do.
1283
01:12:25,000 --> 01:12:28,136
And I'm super nervous,
and I just go, "I love you."
1284
01:12:33,759 --> 01:12:37,979
And he goes, "Mmm, good luck
at your show." And he hangs up the phone.
1285
01:12:38,013 --> 01:12:40,190
Seattle, you're the best.
Thank you so much.
1286
01:12:40,224 --> 01:12:42,943
Thank you very much.
1287
01:12:42,977 --> 01:12:45,053
Appreciate it. Thank you.
1288
01:12:49,925 --> 01:12:54,925
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com