Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com
I love being a stand-up comedian.
It's the best job in the world.
And I love being an L.A. comic.
Bam!
Alfred the assassin.
As a comic, what you're supposed to do is live your life and report it.
Anytime I do something nice for you,
- you shit on me! - When is that?!
I love the whole process.
You have a little dick.
Writing. Performing.
Figuring out how to make a joke work.
It's the best.
But most of all, I love meeting the people of this city.
- They always inspire me. - Hey!
Tom Segura!
Bite me in my ass, man! Aah!
You have to do it!
I love them. They have nothing but admiration for me.
Yeah, after work we can do whatever, man.
I just know there's no stopping us.
Hey! Who this fat-ass nigger right here?
What's up, fat boy?
- 'Sup? - Making a food show, bitch?
- No. - You should.
Bam! 'Cause you fat as fuck!
This fat motherfucker right here, man.
- You got pancake titties. - You do!
Fuck this city. I'm re-shooting this thing.
Eat a dick, Paul Blart.
This fat motherfucker, man.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Segura!
What up?
Thank you! Thank you, guys.
Thank you very much.
It's great to be in Seattle.
Yes.
One of my favorite places, and I am fucking falling apart.
All right, um...
I hate who I'm becoming, socially.
Like, all my social interactions,
I'm disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth.
Like, I start weather chats with people all the time now,
like, ugh.
I got off the plane here, and the guy that picks me up at the airport,
I was like, "It rains a lot here, huh?"
And I swear, there's another voice in my head going,
"You're a piece of shit for this conversation."
What's the guy supposed to say? He's in the car and he's like, "Yeah..."
"...it does.
And you're a real piece of shit for this, just so you know."
I wanted to abort, I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn't.
Like, "I'm from Southern California, we sure could use it."
And he was like, "I'll run us off the fucking road.
I'll kill us both, I swear to God I will."
God forbid I meet a tall person now, like...
If you're over six-four,
there's no way I'm not addressing it. I'm gonna be like,
"Wow, you're tall."
"Do you like basketball? Yeah? Is that your thing?
I have a friend that's tall."
Dude, you just told a grown man you have a fucking friend that's tall.
Like, what's next? "My dad's super strong?
I bet he's stronger than your dad."
Ugh.
It's better than my dad's actual small talk,
which is awkwardly racial small talk.
It's not racist, but it involves race. Um...
Like, we're at a restaurant and, you know, the server walks up and she's Asian.
My dad will be like, "You Chinese?"
And she's like, "No, I'm Korean."
"Oh, I was in Vietnam."
And I'm like...
"What are you doing?"
"What? I was." "I know. What does that have to do with anything?"
Then he goes, "Lot fewer of them when I left, if you know what I mean."
I'm like, "Oh, man."
Well...
"Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes, we're gonna wrap it up pretty quick."
Dude, if he meets a black guy, shut it the fuck down, okay?
'Cause, it's gonna get weird. Like...
Dude, I see it. A black guy starts talking to us and my dad'll be like...
I can see it in his eyes, like a clock's ticking down.
And I'm like, "How weird are you about to be with him?"
He looks like a dog, when you show a dog a treat and you're like, "Sit still."
And the dog's like...
"I work with a black guy!"
Ohh. Ohh.
Oh, man.
"Yeah, Carl. You know him? I don't know...
Thought you knew each other. I don't know.
I don't know him. He works in the building."
You're like, "Fuck."
Jesus.
Speaking of dads, I'm gonna be a dad. Isn't that crazy?
I know. Well...
You know, not my fucking problem. You know what I mean? Um...
That's your kid. So...
No, I'm gonna stick around. I wanna see what it looks and stuff.
Just for a second. But...
So crazy, man. All I did was, I didn't pull out.
And then...
Now I'm gonna be a dad. So nuts.
Isn't that crazy? As a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl and then...
there's life? That's a pretty crude way of putting that. I'm sorry. But...
that's what happens.
Let's just talk about how good that feels. I...
Dude, I've been pulling out for years.
And no comp... No orgasm... You don't have an org...
and you're like, "Oh, that sucks." Like, it's still...
It feels great. But when you leave it in?
Dude.
Here's all I'm saying.
If you're a pull-out guy, next time? Don't.
Even if she tells you to. Be like, "I forgot."
And she'll whine about it.
"What if I'm pregnant?
My career!"
And you'll be like, "Is law school on hold? All right.
Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut."
Guys! I'm joking. I'm joking.
Joke.
I'm not joking. But...
God, it feels so good!
I can't even... I can't even describe how much better it feels.
The best I've come up with is, remember when you were a kid,
and the first time you tried something with melted cheese,
and you were like, "What the fuck?"
"This is the same thing?" And they're like, "Same shit."
And you're like, "This is amazing!
I can have this whenever I want?" "Mm-hm. Whenever you want.
Just eight, ten seconds and it's your world, man."
You're like, "Oh, my God!"
It's like that, but down here.
Feels so good.
Ohh. Here's what a piece of shit I am.
I...
I have been fantasizing a lot
about people asking me
how I lost the weight that I haven't lost yet.
And, like, I just have so many answers.
Like, I really enjoy doing...
In my head, I'm like, "Dude, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle."
"Just gotta make smarter choices, man.
I mean, drink more water. Look at me, I've never felt better.
I have so much energy. If I can do it, you can do it."
And then I eat chocolate soufflé, as I have...
Like, "Well, next year I'll probably be ready for this conversation."
Fucking asshole.
I don't even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be healthy.
I don't. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again.
And know for sure that they're fatter than me.
'Cause, like, sometimes... Now I'm like anybody,
I'll be like, "Look at this fat fucking asshole."
And someone'll be like, "You're fatter."
And I'm like, "Oh. Really?" And they're like, "By a lot!"
"You should want his body." And I'm like, "Ah, fuck, man."
Since I'm gonna have a kid, I don't want to be the fat dad.
Remember when we were in elementary school, in like fifth grade?
You're like, "Hey, look at Billy's fat fuckin' dad."
"Fuckin'..."
"Just fuckin' batter him up tonight and eat him, huh, Billy's dad?"
Just don't want to be that guy.
I got a trainer.
They gave me a trainer. That's a better way of saying that.
I joined a gym, and they go, "Do you want a free training session?"
I was like, "Okay. What does it normally cost?"
And they're like, "Like $900."
I was like, "Wow, that's a great deal. That's awesome."
The first session is a bait session. It's ridiculous.
The guy's like, "Stand up."
Like, "Okay." He's like, "Wow, you're a very powerful athlete."
"Were you pro before?"
I'm like, "Okay, yes. I think I was."
He goes, "You look like it. Your muscle fibers look really great." I'm like...
He's like, "Want to do this all the time?" I'm like, "Yeah. Absolutely.
This is a good boost for me. I like this a lot."
Second session, way different than the first session.
Second session, I'm doing burpies.
Like, you jump on the ground then you jump onto a wooden block.
I'm running through sand pushing a sled.
"And I go, is this SEAL school? What are we doing right now?"
In the middle of this workout, my trainer goes "Stop!"
And I said, "Thank you."
He goes, "Know why I told you to stop?"
And I go, "Yeah, so you don't have to give me CPR, I think."
And he goes, "No. The Holy Spirit."
"What?"
And he goes, "The Holy Spirit told me to tell you to stop."
And I go...
"What...
did I sign up for? What the fuck is this?"
And he goes, "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?"
And I said, "Is He gonna make me do push-ups?"
And that right there, he got really mad at that. Like...
really upset. He was like, "It's not all jokes!"
"I said one thing. I can't say one thing? All right."
And he tells me to take the big plate, the 45-pound plate.
"Hold it over your head and run down to the pier and back."
And the pier's, like, three-quarters of a mile.
And I go, "Nope."
"Not doing that."
He's like, "You're quitting? You're quitting on me?"
And I go, "No, I'm not quitting, it's just that...
the Holy Spirit..."
"...it talks to me, too.
And it said there's no way I'm gonna make this run
without throwing up and people laughing at me.
So, I'm gonna get a peanut butter protein shake. I'm out, man."
And I took off.
I'm not doing that shit.
I'm not making fun of you if you're religious.
I think that's great. Any faith.
Christian, Muslim, Jew, what...
If you're a Scientologist, you can go fuck yourself. But...
Yeah.
Because it's not old.
It's gotta be old.
It's fair to say there's some times I don't want to hear about it.
You know? Like working out?
Um... Getting high.
That's a bummer.
Right? Like, when there's pills and cash and tits out and...
someone's like, "Have you thought about accepting the Lord into your life?"
And you're like, "I'm trying to make bad decisions.
Why are you doing this to me?"
That and pre-sex.
That is the worst.
During sex, as-salamu alaykum.
Anything goes. But...
Pre-sex? Like, right before, and the girl's like,
"Oh! What if God's watching us?"
And you're like, "What?!"
"'What if God is watching us?'
Of course He's watching us!
He sees everything and this is hands-down His favorite shit!"
Yeah.
"Quit being a baby, put another knuckle in there and let's give Him a show!"
Digit play, it's fun. Get into it. But...
let's be clear about this, guys.
We're not gonna agree on everything. Okay?
But we should agree on this.
If you bring a baby into a movie theater,
you're a piece of shit.
Yup.
If your reason for doing it is you couldn't get a babysitter,
well, then, you don't get to go to the movies.
That's how that works.
It happened to me in back-to-back movies,
which statistically I did not think was possible.
First movie, I'm in there five minutes.
I'm watching the movie and I hear, "Waaah."
"What?"
I turn,
and in the row behind me there's a mother, a father and a baby.
Not a child, which I think is an important distinction.
It's a baby. I'm like, "All right, these people are insane. Um...
I'll just ignore this."
Turn back, 30 seconds later, "Waah."
I'm like, "Well, now I have to say something."
Now...
I'm polite.
So I turn and I go, "Excuse me,
are you stabbing your baby right now?"
"'Cause it sounds like it."
- And the dad goes... - "No, I love the baby."
You picture him, okay?
"I love him. Pero...
no.
It's my baby."
And I said, "Well, could you? 'Cause I'm trying to watch this movie."
"And...
your baby's ruining it."
He's like, "No, no puedo." So...
I get up, I go to the lobby,
I see the manager of the theater and I go, "Hey!
There's a fucking baby in there...
being a baby right now."
And the manager goes, "Some people suck."
And he walked away.
That is the best customer service line I've ever heard in my life.
Hands down.
You can't even get mad!
If you're in a restaurant, been waiting on your food, like,
"Where the fuck is my food? I've been here half an hour!"
And the manager's like, "Some people suck." Like,
"Oh yeah. Some people suck. I didn't think about it. My bad.
Sorry about that."
I left. I left.
The next day, I go back to the movies.
I should point out I saw a different movie.
It was also a different baby.
It's not the same family standing out front
and then they see me and they're like, "Oh, there he is. Let's go inside...
and ruin this for him again."
This time I am way further into the movie.
I'm emotionally invested in this movie.
I like the movie.
And then, out of nowhere, I hear, "Waah."
This time, I swear to you, I audibly go,
"Nuh-uh."
And now, other people get involved.
You know when you can hear somebody's age in their voice?
Like, I can't see shit. It's a dark theater.
I just hear a guy go, "Either make it quiet or get it out!"
That guy's 140 years old!
Like, I could hear that he'd never hugged his children.
I could hear it in his voice.
This time, the mother of the baby goes,
"Shut up."
And I was like, "Oh shit!" Like...
"We have a situation."
And then a third person goes, "Shh."
What are you doing? "Shush" is passive-aggressive.
She said, "Shut up." Just go straight to "fuck you!"
What are you doing?
But now... I wanted to be the hero and save the movie.
I felt a tremendous sense of injustice.
Like, all these movies are being ruined by babies, but...
I didn't realize I was too angry in that moment to um, what is it?
Speak English words in a sentence.
You know when you get real rage, like...
Like, just...
"Dude..."
Like...
Like, you feel it, your throat dries out, and... aah!
So I stood up in the theater with the best intentions and I went...
"Why is everybody not in the adult movie?!"
Like none of it made sense.
Everybody's like, "Who's that fucking guy? What's his problem?"
I was...
I was trying to say, "Let's be civilized adults."
But instead I went "adult movie."
"Porn's on now.
Cover your baby's eyes."
The next thing, I see a white T-shirt pop up
and I'm like, "Well, there's the dad."
Some of you got it. And...
He looked around, like, "Who's talking shit?"
And I was like, "I'm talking shit, bitch."
I didn't say it, but he knew what was up. But then...
I went out the exit immediately
cause I'm not getting my ass kicked over The Lego Movie, so I left.
You guys, are you ever just
tired of being alive?
Know what I mean? Like...
I'm not suicidal.
I just feel like I've done a lot and I've seen a lot. And now I'm like,
"Let's wrap this shit up. Like..."
Right? Like, how many fucking days are there?
I want to skip a grade. Remember...
elementary school, and you get to the first day of,
whatever, third grade, and you're like, "Where's Brian?"
They're like, "He skipped." "Excuse me? How?"
They're like, "He can add like a motherfucker. I don't know. He just...
Four, eight, twelve. He gets it."
And then you go, "I want to skip." And they're like...
"Don't even think about that. Think about other shit."
I'd love to skip in real life.
That would be the best program, if they were like,
"If you kill it this year, you have the best year,
at the end of the year, a magical fairy
or government official will come to your house...
and they go, 'You crushed it this year.'"
And you're like, "I know."
Then they're like, "Now you can skip as many years as you want."
I'd be like, "What the fuck?!
Really?" "Mm-hmm. How many do you want to skip?"
"Thirty?"
Just land at retirement.
I don't wanna live much longer than that anyways.
Seventy. Maybe 71. You know?
Seventy so I can be "officially old" and experience old guy stuff,
like people talking to me like I'm a pet, and, um...
You ever see that? When they're like, "Hey, hey. How you doing?
You're so good. Would you like me to get you anything?"
Like, "Yeah. Put some water in my bowl. What the fuck is this shit?" Like...
But I don't want to live much longer than that.
I mean, I hear people in conversation go,
"I want to live to be a hundred."
Really?
Have you seen 80?
I mean, my dad has a friend that's 87.
He looks like a goblin. Okay?
He is terrifying to look at.
And he knows it.
He's like, "I'm coming around the corner. Don't look at me." He knows it.
It's scary.
Here's how much it sucks to be that old.
When he was 84, he stopped taking his heart medication.
And I go, "Why did you do that?" And he goes, "I don't want to be here."
If you see him now, you're like, "How you doing?"
"Unfortunately, alive."
"But He won't take me."
The only thing I have going for me with that old stuff
is that I will be the best old guy.
I already know it. Like, I have their personality.
I'm anti-social as shit.
I don't want to do anything. Like...
whenever anybody says to me, "Hey, man. Do you wanna go check out the..."
I go, "No to the rest of your sentence. Whatever it is, I don't want to do it."
I don't want to meet new people.
Not one more, as long as I live, for the rest of my life.
That's the same as old people.
Try it if you want. Be like, "Hey, Grandpa!
I want you to meet Steve." And he'll go, "Fuck Steve."
"I know everybody I need to know.
Gonna watch my shows."
Know what I really want? I want to be that old...
I don't know if it's an age, it's just a way of being old.
There's a certain level of old
where you get yelled at for trying to be helpful.
That looks awesome.
Know what I mean? When an old guy's like, "I'm gonna take out the trash."
And someone's like, "Are you out of your fucking mind?
Your spine'll snap. Sit down!"
"Okay."
"I tried. I'm sorry."
That looks amazing.
I really want that old guy confidence that I see...
in the locker room. Yeah. That's another thing.
Dude. Another thing I've noticed since joining the gym,
there's two types of guys:
Guys that are 65 and older, and then guys that cover their dicks.
Because old guys...
do not.
It's crazy!
The first few days, I thought it was peacocking.
Like showing off, you know?
'Cause I saw some fucking hammers
where you walk in and you're like, "Whoa, yeah!"
"I wouldn't wear pants either. Nice work, pal."
But then, like the third day, I saw a guy,
he had just like the cutest little thing.
And he was just like all on the...
He was like, "Oil prices are crazy right now."
I'm like, "Dude, you have a little grain of rice. You don't give a shit?"
He didn't. He didn't care.
I want that confidence.
I don't even know how it's attainable.
Like, if I know anyone's gonna see it, I'm gonna... you know?
Give it a smack.
And then you go, "Huh. There's an inch."
Let's not act like I'm the only self-fluffer in the room, okay?
Dude.
Ladies, if you've ever received a dick-pic before, um,
here's some secret intel: That's not the first shot.
Pretty much goes like this: Click.
"Fuck that." And then...
"Oh, yeah, that's me. That's all me right there. That's me."
God, sweating my fucking balls off.
Like a preacher. Amen.
All right. So...
Ha!
This is a very... I think this...
Pretty girls. Pretty town. A lot of good-looking girls in this town. Um...
I noticed, stylistically,
I feel like a lot of girls here have nose rings,
and I have to tell you, I fucking dig it.
Yeah.
I like a girl with a nose ring.
I think it says something. I think it says,
"I have other piercings, and..."
"...you can see them."
"As soon as I get this hemp bra off."
But...
Eyebrow ring, that's another level.
That is a statement.
And that statement is: "Fisting is my first base."
Like, those chicks are fuckin' down. Am I right?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Some of you... No? I'm seeing disappointment
in some people's faces, for sure.
Yeah. Some people are like, "Mm-mm."
"Didn't sign up for this shit. No, sir."
And the rest of you are like, "But... But, Tom!
What about tongue rings? What about tongue rings, Tom?"
What about them?!
Tools of the trade.
Did Rembrandt not have a paintbrush?
Who is Beethoven without his piano?
That girl has a tongue ring 'cause her mouth is a homing device for cocks!
You leave her alone!
Or just show her your dick. There's a pretty good chance
she's gonna lap that shit up. Mm-mm-mm-mm.
Don't get upset. It's silly. It's a silly joke.
Look, I'm not a misogynistic pig.
I think women should judge men equally and harshly.
You know what never fails?
Judge men based on what they drive.
Ladies...
if a guy picks you up in a minivan,
he is telling you,
"Why have sex when we can collect all the Angry Birds stuffed animals?"
Full-size van. Whoa.
That's more like,
"You wanna go out? Well, you're coming."
Kidnapping joke, yeah?
Now, ladies, if a guy picks you up in a Honda and it's lowered,
real low, low... to the ground...
and there's some cool blue lights underneath it,
that says, "When we get to this restaurant, get whatever you want.
My mom's got this. Don't worry about it. I got it. Yeah."
"Yeah."
"Yeah, she gave me tip money. Yeah!"
Oh, man.
I was in, uh, London...
Canada.
Um, they have one.
And...
Doesn't that kinda bother you? A little bit?
When a barely city is like, "Let's name it after an awesome city."
And they have the nerve to ask you, "How do you like London?"
"The real one, or this turd you put in a dress? Because..."
Like, the fucking balls on Paris, Tennessee,
to name their city Paris?
And then they built a mini Eiffel Tower?
Like you're gonna walk around confused,
like, "Well, bonjour! I don't even know where I'm at!"
"Can I get me a 'crassant?'"
Fuck Paris, Tennessee.
So, we're leaving...
London, Ontario, Canada...
bothers me just to say it.
And we're headed back to Toronto,
and we pass by a strip club named Beef.
Now...
Yeah, your hearing is working just fine.
There's a strip club named Beef! I mean...
can you even wrap your head around the confidence a young lady has to have
just to audition at Beef?
Just to be like, "I know they're hiring at Diamonds, but I'm more of a Beef girl."
Like, that is...
It's such an aggressive name, even for a casual conversation.
To be like, "Oh, you strip?"
"Where do you strip at?" "Beef."
"Jesus."
"What goes on there?" "Pretty intense shit, actually.
We recommend you start your night at a different strip club
and graduate to Beef. You start here, we'll wreck your life."
Like, "All right. God."
Fuckin' Beef is the name...
Fart is a better name for a strip club.
If somebody was like, "You wanna go to a strip club?
It's called Fart." I'd be like, "No, I don't want to go there."
"There's another one called Beef." "All right, let's check out Fart."
"See where that ends up."
I feel like...
the worst part, honestly, of traveling in our country
is that there's no surprises.
I swear to you, I travel every week,
and it's really a disappointment.
Every place is exactly what I thought it was going to be.
You know? I can prove it to you.
Picture a place you've never been to in this country. Picture it.
That's exactly how it is.
What are the people like, you wonder?
What do you think they're like?
That's right.
It's... I swear to you!
Go to San Francisco. They're like, "Ah, we're offended."
And you're like, "Yep."
"I know."
Texas? I don't think the people of Texas
necessarily want to execute retarded people,
but I think they're like, "You know what? This is Texas. So... whoo!"
"That's how we do it around here, brother. A little boot scoot boop!
See you later, dumdum. All right."
They've done it multiple times!
They keep doing it.
"I'm sowwy." "Yeah, me too."
Crazy.
The Midwest? I mean, don't you feel like
we could draw a circle around the Midwest and be like,
"Do we need this?"
Except for wherever you're from. That place is fucking awesome.
The Northeast, shady fucking people in shady cities.
That's all they are. Just shady.
Just fucking all those places. Jersey, Philly, Balti... they're all...
"How you doing?" "Not now, thank you very much."
"Can I help you with something?" "Nope. Never in my life."
The one quality I do love about Northeastern people, though,
you could be in an argument with them and be like, "You're a fucking asshole."
And they're like, "Thank you."
"My dad's an asshole, and so am I. It's kind of a thing."
Then what? You head, uh...
you head on down south.
Where "God don't make no junk."
That's a real expression, by the way:
"God don't make no junk."
They say it a lot. I lived there for a while.
They say it to people who are complaining about their own situation.
So essentially, it's a pick-me-up. Right?
Like, some lady might go, "I ain't purty!"
"And I ain't no good."
"No one's ever gonna love me."
And someone'll go, "Don't you talk that mess."
"Don't you say that, Sally... Billy Bob... Sandra. Don't you say that."
"God don't make no junk."
I always want to interrupt and be like, "I'd like to politely disagree!"
"I think He was nodding off when He made you."
"While your sunken eyes and protruding underbite are charming..."
"...that map of white trash is not sending a lot of lead to the pencil. You're right!
You're gonna die alone, bah-bah-bah-Nascar-fart-beer."
"You big box of stupid."
Here's great travel advice, okay?
Do not take the red-eye.
If you don't know what that is,
it's amazing that you made it this far in life.
It's when you fly overnight
from the West Coast to the Eastern time zone.
Some people love that flight.
And those people are sociopaths.
Because... here's why.
You land and your body's like, "Well, it's 3:30 in the morning.
I guess we're going to sleep." And then the world goes...
"Uh... nope!"
"6:30, dickhead! Get ready to do stuff."
And then you cry for days.
Last one I ever went on, I boarded with my wife.
We get on, she looks at our boarding passes, she goes,
"We're not sitting next to each other." And I go, "Okay."
I don't know.
She goes, "You don't wanna switch seats?"
And I go, "Not really."
And she goes, "Why not?" I said, "'Cause we don't have to."
She goes, "What does that mean?"
I said, "Well, there's only two people that have to sit next to each other,
and they're up front."
"We can sit anywhere."
She goes, "You're gonna ask people to move."
And I was like, "Great. Should be a real treat."
That's always fun, right? "You all settled in?
Want to stand the fuck up now?" Great.
So...
we're both window seats. We need an aisle to move.
So I go to the guy sitting next to her, and this guy is old.
I don't know how old, but it doesn't look good.
He's... he's drooling...
...he's got rubber where there used to be bones...
Put it this way:
It's his last flight. All right? So...
After this one, no más.
So I go, "Excuse me, Gandalf. Do you think that..."
"...you could move so I can sit next to my wife?"
And he goes, "Move?"
"Mm-hmm."
He goes, "You move."
"Yep."
"I'll move here, and then you move there."
And he goes, "You can't see a meniscus...
...I won't be able to stretch out as much.
I can't stretch. I gotta sit by the aisle access
and stretch it out there so it's built up more.
It'll be seven, eight times more if I sit over there."
And I go, "Are you reading me a fucking novel about this?"
"Jesus, just say no!
And I hope you lose your leg." And then I turned around.
Well, he was a dick.
He was.
Was he old? Yes.
Was he disabled? Severely.
Disabled people have to earn their cool points just like the rest of us.
I'm so exhausted of the idea that everybody with a disability
is automatically an angel on earth.
They're not.
They're people, and you should treat them like people.
But you don't. You patronize the shit out of them. Yeah.
I know you do.
Of course. There's so many uncomfortably silent guilty faces in here right now.
Yeah. You know when you're at work and fucking Sam rolls up?
It's always Sam.
You don't go, "Hey, Sam."
You go, "Hai, Sahm."
And he's like, "Hi."
And you go, "How was your weekend?"
He's like, "It was good."
"Well, that's good!"
And he's like, "You know I'm not retarded right? I just can't stand up.
You're a fucking asshole."
Some of them are cool. Some of them are dicks.
I was walking into a building not two weeks ago.
I open the door. Ten steps back, I notice a guy's coming up with no arms.
You know what I do? I hold the door.
And when he gets up, he goes, "I don't need you to do that shit."
And I go...
"All right."
"Okay, Stumpy. Um...
let's watch you bite that handle for an hour.
That'll be a fun fucking show."
Fuck that guy.
Absolutely fuck him. So...
Midnight on this flight, the lights come on,
and that's too early, right?
That's too early for the red-eye. I panic. I think we're dying. So...
I see the attendant, I go, "Hey, what the fuck's happening?"
She goes, "There's a medical emergency in the back.
Are you a doctor?" And I go, "Look at me."
"You think I'm a doctor?"
And she goes, "Are any of you?" And we go, "No."
I said, "I think we just established that none of us are doctors.
How about you kill those lights so we can go back to sleep?"
And she goes, "Well, he needs help."
And I go, "Well, we're not doctors.
We could stand around him for a while, If you think that'll help."
"Yeah, he's fucked up."
"Huh?
Comedian."
"Mostly stories.
Hang in there." I don't fucking know. So...
half an hour later, lights are still on, and I go, "What are we doing?"
And she goes, "I think we're gonna divert."
And I go, "Divert?
Does that mean we're gonna dump fuel?"
Have you ever asked somebody something so profoundly stupid to them
that they have to physically regroup before they answer your question?
Like, she went to answer, and then she went, "Huh."
Like her brain was like, control-alt-delete, rebooted...
...and she goes, "Divert doesn't mean dump fuel, you dumb shit."
And I was like, "I know, I was just playing. Gah."
She said, "We're gonna land at the nearest airport.
We'll get him off and we'll get him help. Then we'll continue."
And I go, "You gotta be shitting me."
And she goes, "No."
And I said, "Well, what if he's dead?"
And she goes, "What?"
And I go, "If he's dead..."
"...we're not just gonna land to drop off some luggage, right?
We're gonna keep going."
And she goes, "I guess so."
And I said, "Well, in that case, I am a doctor."
"And I'm gonna need a pillow. Stat."
And then, I fucking killed a guy. On a plane.
It was the most fun I've ever had in my life.
Um...
Bikes! I get, like...
verbal tics, you know? I don't have Tourette's.
I wish I did. It looks fun. But...
I'll just yell shit. It's like a hook on a catchy song,
except it's just stuff that I watch, and then...
"Bikes!" I just yell it, you know.
Over and over. Only like two or three million times. But...
I'm obsessed with the show Scared Straight. Um...
If you've never seen it, it's tremendous.
Here's what they do.
In the show, they take kids, middle school and high school kids
that are getting in trouble a lot, and they send them to jail for a day.
And the idea is that jail will scare the fuck out of the kid,
and then he'll get his life together.
Hence, Scared Straight. It's tremendous.
I'm obsessed with one episode.
It aired once.
In 1999.
Here's what's great.
It aired uncensored, which is bananas.
And... in this episode they did not send the kids to jail,
like they normally do.
Instead, they sent them to a maximum security penitentiary.
Prison.
And those prisoners verbally assaulted these kids
into crying a lot.
And it's the funniest shit I have ever seen in my life.
First of all, don't feel, like, too bad for...
these kids are super badass.
They're not like, spitting spitballs in class and...
They're fucking stabbing other kids.
They're badass kids. Okay?
And they show up to this thing with attitude.
They walk in, they're like, "What's up? I run sixth grade.
I ain't scared of you, man. Like..."
"You can't scare me."
And they're greeted by a guy named Crazy Chris.
Chris has scars on his face,
and the screen freezes.
And it says, "Chris killed six people, and he's doing a double life sentence."
Like, this dude is so bad
that when he dies and he's reincarnated,
that guy is doing life in prison also.
So this is a bad motherfucker right here.
The kids are like squatting around,
and Chris is like, "Hey. My name's Crazy Chris.
And from now on, you will see me in your nightmares."
And the kids are like, "What the fuck?" Like...
"I'm 12. Don't talk to me like that. Man, that's crazy."
And he goes, "If I ever see you again, I'll take a bite out of each of you."
And they're like, "All right. We're reformed now. Thank you very much."
Jesus. But they can't leave.
The next guy comes up to them and he goes, "Hold mah pocket!
Hold mah pocket!"
And he makes kids walk around holding the inside of his pocket.
You understand? So he walks, and then they're like...
I don't know what you know about prison,
but if you're holding onto another dude's pocket,
it's gonna be a rough day. All right?
Not only is this guy making kids hold his...
he's talking ridiculous shit
to middle schoolers.
He's like, "I'mma make you suck my dick for breakfast!"
"Every mornin'." And the kids are like...
"I hate breakfast! Ugh!"
Funny shit like that.
So...
He's like, "I'mma mush your motherfucking face!"
And the kid's like...
It's so fucking funny. Ah...
There's one exchange where this dude, he pulls a kid out of line.
The kid's, like, 13. He weighs, I don't know, a hundred pounds?
And he has a bowl cut.
Okay? He has a bowl cut.
In prison.
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
It's parted in the middle.
The prisoner goes, "Why you here?"
And the kid's like... "Ugh. Stealing."
And he goes, "The fuck you took?"
And the kids goes, "B... Bikes."
And he goes, "Bikes!"
And that's why I yell "bikes" all the time.
You should see me when we drive by a bike store.
Holy shit.
I'll be driving. I'll be like, "Ahh..."
And my wife, she's pretty over it. Um...
She'll go, like, "You get one." I'm like,
"All right, I'm gonna make this shit count."
So, I'll pull over, roll down the window,
and I wait till I see somebody checking out one of the sidewalk displays,
like with all the bikes out there,
and when they find one they like and they're like, "I like this one,"
I'll go, "Bikes!" And they're like, "What the fuck?!"
And I go, "Stop selling drugs!" And I drive off.
That's right.
Super fun. You should do it.
Ah, man.
So, my wife is the coolest, actually. She's the best.
And, uh, she... we've been together ten years.
And women will actually ask me, sometimes,
they'll be like, "Ten years? That's a pretty good run.
What's the secret? Is there a secret?"
And I want to tell you that there is.
And ladies, the key to your man's heart
is through his... taint.
Now, if you don't know,
the taint is that little strip of land
between a man's balls and his butthole.
Also known as the Devil's Driveway.
Now...
...some of you are like, "I don't want to go there.
That sounds scary."
Well, yeah.
Your man's perineum,
that's like the Incan ruins of his body.
And just like Machu Picchu, its a little out of the way.
But once you get there, the rewards are oh, so glorious.
Ladies, I just gave you top secret clearance. Okay?
Um, welcome to Area 51.
Yeah. I never want to hear another woman complain,
"I can't get a guy to call me back."
Well, take a vibrator, press it against his chode,
and you will have to shut down a cell tower
because that man is gonna harass you. All right?
Yeah.
After you make him shiver.
Don't be an asshole and put it on high speed the first time.
You'll send him to the emergency room. But... Ease into it.
One, two, three. He'll be like, all right!
I'm not piling on you for not doing enough, if you're a woman.
Guys are the worst. Absolutely.
Every guy friend of mine that complains about a sex thing,
it's always the same stupid shit.
They'll be like, "You know, like, I liked her, but she's not slutty.
She didn't do anything slutty."
I'm like, "Huh. You tell her what you like?" "Unh-unh."
I'm like, "Oh. Well, you weird silent fuck."
"You gotta tell her. If she likes you, she'll do it.
Gotta tell her, 'Put on a clown suit and peg me.' Or whatever you like."
I'll tell you my favorite. I don't give a shit.
I love the medical genre.
That is my favorite.
I love those pornos where the guy goes in the doctor's office.
He's like, "Oh, my back hurts."
The nurse is like, "That's 'cause your big stupid balls are full. Get over here."
I love that.
I love it, I told my wife, and now we have scrubs.
Everybody likes it. Don't act like... whenever you...
If you're a guy and you see a nurse, you always are like...
"Maybe she'll suck it." Like that. Like, you always...
Even if you see a nurse walking around, you're like, "Hey.
What? No, I didn't say anything. I was just..."
"Do you? Okay, no, you don't? Okay.
No, I feel fine. Thank you."
It's the best. I love...
I love, though, on the medical pornos, those scenes,
they always end with letting you know how he's doing medically.
Like the guy goes, "Uhhh.
My back feels better." You're like, "Oh, wow."
"We were all worried about your third lumbar. So, that's good."
Crazy, and I swear, this is true,
as much as I love that shit,
I have never in my life seen a smaller version of my own dick
than when I'm in the doctor's office.
Like, it gets so small,
and it leans to the left.
So my dick is like, "What did you say?"
"Hmm?
Should I be here, Dad?"
You ever yell at it? You're like, "What the fuck?!
Monday we were hitting thigh, and today you're like,
'I want to stay in bed and read. So...'"
"'You go out. I'm gonna draw a bath. Bye.'"
And you'll be like, "You stupid little dick!"
They have porno suggestions. Isn't that weird too?
Like you watch a scene, It's like, "You might also like..."
And you're like, "What?"
And then its like some weird sh... It's like,
"Sis is mad at her brother for not leaving,
so she blows him." And you're like, "Ugh! Gross.
All right, I'm gonna see what it looks like."
They're not really related.
That scene is so stupid cause they always call each other Bro and Sis,
like any fucking people on the planet do that.
The girl's like, "Bro! My friends are coming over. Get outta here."
He's like, "No way, Sis. Not leaving."
"Come on! What'll it take?"
"Boop. Right there. That's what it'll take."
"Okay." And you're like, "All right.
It's not a good premise, but I'll watch it."
Let me ask you this.
If you're white,
aren't you a little tired of being blamed for every racial injustice?
- Like, doesn't part of you... - Yeah!
Yeah, yeah. No, that's good. So...
People are like, "What the fuck?"
No! That's what I'm saying! Like...
Don't you kinda want to tell, like, the other people,
"Why doesn't your group get their shit together, and then
you can ascend to the top and then you can oppress other people."
Not as many claps on that one. Well, uh...
Oops.
Here's all I'm saying. Okay?
Every race is racist. Okay?
We're the best at it, but every race is racist.
Who's super racist?
Asians. Right? Yeah, you guys are...
You're nodding. Like, "You know goddamn right I am. Of course."
You don't know about it? There's a hierarchy to the whole thing.
Here's how it works. Japanese, they're number one,
which is weird 'cause their genitals are blurry.
But they're number one. Right?
Then...
Chinese and Koreans are right there.
And everybody else who's, like, tan, like...
Vietnamese and Filipino, they're like...
"Fuck you!"
True or not?
Yeah.
Don't you feel better about everything right now? Like...
What's your ethnic background?
You're Chinese? That's number two. That's almost at the top.
That's great.
That's gotta feel good, right?
Who did you, like...
Who did your parents talk the most shit about, growing up?
Wait. Were you raised in an Asian household,
or are you one of those, "That's cute, lets get one of those"?
'Cause that's a legit question.
Asian? So who'd your parents talk the most shit about growing up, racially?
- Be honest. Huh? - Japanese.
Japanese! Fuckin'... All right, so...
Do you hate Japanese people?
No? They fucking hate you. A lot.
You know they do. Uh...
What do your parents say about them? What's the shit that they talk?
They wanted me to marry one.
They wanted you to marry one?
They wanted her to do whatever you want.
Are your parents Saudi or...?
Can I get this fucking straight for a second?
Your parents were like, "We want our beautiful Chinese boy
to marry a Japanese girl
so that 'she'll do whatever you want'"?
- Meaning they're submissive? - Yes.
Yeah. All right. So who's this fucking lady sitting next to you?
What's she all about?
Hey! Don't fucking answer. It's his world.
What is... What is, uh...
Ask him if you can answer.
She's Chinese? Damn!
Do you know...
Do you know how I found out about Asian racism?
This is how I found out about it. I had no idea.
I'm shooting a commercial in L.A.,
and they fly in a Japanese director, okay?
Uhhh. Grunts, everything. So...
Yeah. So I was like, "Do you have indigestion?"
He was, "Uhh. No."
We're shooting the commercial, and between takes,
there's a Filipino production assistant.
So, he come up and talks to us and he walks away.
And when he walks away, I see the Japanese director
give him a very dismissive look, like...
And I go, "Hey! I saw that, with my eyes. What was that all about?"
I go, "You don't like him?" And he goes...
And I go, "Why not?" And he goes...
Did you catch it? It was really fast.
He basically said, "I don't like him 'cause I don't like his skin color."
And he did it with this little gesture.
And I was like, "Holy shit!
That's fucking brilliant. How did I not think of that?"
You don't have to worry about people hearing you and getting hit.
Just make a little thing and move it along. Like...
Don't act like you're not gonna use that five fucking times this week.
When you're in your favorite restaurant and "they" come in, you're like...
"Let's take it to go. Thanks a lot."
Oh, guys. Thank you for having jobs.
Um... I'm assuming you do.
I don't fucking know. You're here. Maybe you robbed somebody. But...
I was just thinking about how long it's been since I've had a job,
and how I absolutely could not get one right now.
If I went into a place and gave them my résumé, they'd be like,
"What's with this 13-year gap on here, man?"
And I'd be like, "What's with all the questions, dude? Chill out."
I mean, if I had to get a job, I think I would just go for a job
where no one knows what the fuck I'm talking about,
so I could just make shit up. Because...
There's a few of those.
Like, the spokesman for an arson investigation. Um...
Arson means fire, by the way. I'm seeing a lot of blank faces. And...
You can see them online.
Like, a guy comes out to a podium,
and there's a mic and there's news people around.
There's a burned down building behind, and he's just like...
"Hey. That shit burned down."
"Could you tell us a little more?"
He's like, "What?" Totally aggravated. "What do you wanna know?"
"How did it start?" "It was a match."
And they go, "How do you know?" "We found it."
"It." Like it's one. There's other matches and he's like, "Mm-mmm."
"This one."
They go, "How do you know that's the match?"
"Just complicated fire shit. You wouldn't understand."
Thing is, man,
I miss zero part of having a day job.
That's the truth. I miss zero part.
The only part I still miss
is spreading rumors and gossip about people that work there.
That's the fucking best.
It is! I remember.
Going to work sucks.
That's universal. I mean, shit!
Most of you will have it on Monday.
Fuckin'... the alarm goes off, and you go, "Motherfucker!"
"Today's gonna suck!"
"But I'm gonna talk shit about Amanda when I get there." And then that...
raises your spirit right?
You think about that in the shower. "I'm gonna ruin Amanda's day today."
"This is for you, Amanda. Aahh."
The fucked-up thing is people making you feel badly for enjoying that.
You shouldn't feel badly for enjoying gossip.
It's 100 percent normal and natural to
because it's definitely an extension of childhood.
Because all of us, when we were kids, and all kids now,
for a certain period of time, the worst storytellers ever, okay?
You don't know shit about editing information,
enhancing things, keeping people's interest.
You don't have to have a kid to know about this.
Talk to any kid. A friends kid. A niece, a nephew.
It's when you go to a kid, you go like, "Hey, were you outside?"
And they go, "Yeah!" And you're like,
"Why don't you dial that back? That was crazy. Okay?"
And then you ask one question, like, "How was that?" And they go,
"I have... When... When Jeanette came by,
she... she didn't... she brought the yellow cup that...
she didn't want to kick the ball back, but I said, can...
'Cause Brian's cup is red,
that if you... if you... if you don't have it now,
then you don't have to bring the blue...
'Cause the blue one that Jane had was with her.
I said, 'If you don't have it,
you can... you can use mine now, but then...
then next it's my turn.'"
You go, "That was a great fucking story. Thank you."
Je-sus!
And then kids accidentally tell their first good story.
They don't mean to, it's an accident.
That's why it leaves an impact.
'Cause you go, "Were you at the park?"
And they go, "Yeah."
And you go, "How was that?"
And they go, "I saw Uncle Jeff,
and he had a lady sitting on his lap. But it wasn't Aunt Maria."
And you're like, "What?"
And the kid's like, "Shit, I've never seen that fucking face before!"
And you're like, "That's a good story. Go find more stories like that."
That's burned into your psyche.
That's why you go to work, you see your coworker,
you're like, "Hey, I got some juice."
And they're like, "Is it gonna negatively impact somebody's life?"
"Yeah." And they're like,
"Fucking hook that shit up!"
I've spread so many fucking rumors.
My favorite part about rumors, nobody verifies shit.
Somebody says something once and you're like,
"Cool, I'll roll with that forever. Thanks, man."
"Are you gonna fact check that?" "Why? You said it out loud.
I don't have to check anything out. It's now a fact. So, whatever."
It's a seed, right? You ever a part of one that just grows?
I remember years ago, I'm watching a movie with my dad.
In the middle of the movie,
the actor, Tommy Lee Jones, appears onscreen.
Great actor. Oscar winner.
Unprompted, my dad turns to me and he goes, "Did you know he was gay?"
And I was like, "No."
"Yeah."
Now, it doesn't matter, and I don't care.
But I decided I would tell
everyone I ever met for the rest of my life
that Tommy Lee Jones is gay.
I told a lot of people.
Like, from The Fugitive through No Country for Old Men.
I told everybody.
Until one day I told somebody and he goes, "No, he isn't."
And I was like, "Yeah, he is."
And he goes, "How do you know that?"
And I said, "My dad told me."
"What? Your dad fuck him or something?"
I was like, "I don't think so."
Then he goes, "I've known him 40 years.
I know his wife and kids. I knew him when he was single. He is not gay."
And I go, "What is happening right now?"
And I called my dad immediately.
And I was like, "Dad!
I just got confirmation that Tommy Lee Jones isn't gay."
And my dad goes, "Oh, I thought he was."
"Is that the end of your investigation? Are you fucking serious?
Why did you tell me that?" He goes, "I don't know."
I said, "Did somebody tell you?" He goes, "I can't remember."
I said, "Have you been telling everybody for 15 years that Tommy Lee Jones is gay?"
And he goes, "Yep."
I go, "Don't you think we should stop?" He goes, "Now we should."
Just made that shit up.
This is not made-up. I'll tell you this, man.
Not too long ago,
I met former heavyweight champion of the world
Iron Mike Tyson. And...
It completely changed my perspective on a famous person,
'cause I thought I knew famous people.
Friends of mine on TV and movies,
they are dog shit next to Mike Tyson.
Think about how... he is famous the way an ex-president is famous,
in that he can't go anywhere in the world without everyone knowing who he is.
You can take him to the Philippines, you can take him to Siberia,
you can take him to Namibia and people would be like,
"Mike Tyson." Everybody knows Mike Tyson.
That's a perfect impression, by the way. So...
we're on an afternoon flight from L.A. to Pittsburgh.
He is sitting across the aisle one row back.
He's right there.
It takes an extra hour to board the flight. Why?
Because every passenger that boards sees him, and they're like,
"Get the fuck out of here."
And they shit their pants.
And he's super nice. He shakes everyone's hand.
Flight attendants are telling people, "Go to your seat."
And they're like, "Nope."
"Talking to him."
"We're not asking you, we're telling you."
"I don't give a shit. I'm not going anywhere."
It takes forever. We leave late. I don't say anything.
About half an hour's left in the flight,
and then I tell myself, "You have to say something.
You're never going to run into him again."
So I get up, walk over to his seat and I go, "I'm sorry to bother you.
I grew up watching all of your fights, and I'm a big fan."
And he goes, "Thank you."
I said, "I'm just curious, why are you going to Pittsburgh?"
He goes, "I'm promoting a fight. What about you?"
I said, "I'm a comedian. I'm going to do shows."
And he goes...
"You're a comedian?"
I go, "Yeah."
He said, "Where's your show?"
I said "It's a comedy club called the Pittsburgh Improv."
And he goes, "Where's that?"
And I go, "I have no fucking idea."
And he goes, "Is your show tonight?" And I go, "No.
It's eleven o'clock at night and we're on a plane."
"We're in the sky right now, Mike."
He goes, "Well, when's your show?"
And I go, "Tomorrow."
And he goes, "Where?"
And I go, "Still at the Pittsburgh Improv."
He goes, "How do I find it?"
I go, "I don't fucking know. Google it."
Then it hits me, like, two seconds later
how batshit crazy it is of me
to tell him to like, Google it.
You know? Like...
"You figure it out, fuckface!"
Am I out of my mind? So...
I grab a DVD out of my bag, I give it to him.
I go, "It has my name on it, just type it in. It'll show you where I'm at."
He goes, "Thank you." I go, "That's cool. I met Tyson."
Ten seconds later, I'm sitting in my seat and I hear,
"Tom?"
"Yes, Mike Tyson?"
He goes, "Were you on television recently?"
And I go, "Mm-mmm."
He goes, "Are you sure?"
And I go, "Yeah, I think so."
And he goes, "Nothing?"
And I go, "I mean, I'm on Netflix."
And he goes, "I fucking love Netflix."
"Okay."
He goes, "What's your favorite show on Netflix, Tom?"
I go, "Are we really doing this right now?
Like, shouting across the aisle?"
"I like House of Cards, man!" Like...
It feels crazy, okay?
So, I'm super nervous. I don't know what to say...
I'm like, "I don't know. I watched Breaking Bad on Netflix."
And he goes, "My wife likes Breaking Bad."
But he said it like, "You like shit my wife likes."
And I was like, "Ugh."
Then his eyes light up like saucers, and he's like,
"Oh! You like Sons of Anarchy?"
And I know it's a great show. There's a lot of great shows.
I can't see every show. I've never seen it.
Do you ever lie? Like a child to an adult?
'Cause you think they'll like you more if you like the same thing?
Well, I saw that face and I go, "It's my favorite show of all time."
And he's like, "It's the shit!"
And I was like, "Oh, I know. That one episode? That's my favorite."
And then he gives me a fist bump across the aisle, right?
Is this not registering to you?
I get a Mike Tyson fist bump.
Yeah.
I can feel his powers transferring from his hand into mine.
I'm like, "Oh, shit." That's crazy, right?
I'm so happy.
And then a few seconds later,
I feel a bear paw on my shoulder.
And I turn, and Tyson is standing above me.
I'm like, "Jesus Christ!"
Immediately he leans down and he whispers in my ear so nobody else can hear,
and he goes, "I've been watching a lot of Netflix."
That's it. That's all he said.
Dude, I never thought that sentence could be terrifying.
And now he's just looking at me like, "Now you say something, bitch."
Ya know?
I was like, "I never turn it off. It's the best." I don't know what to say.
He goes, "Now I recognize you."
And I go, "What?"
And he holds up the DVD.
And I go, "I just gave that to you."
And he goes, "It's the same picture that's on Netflix."
And I go, "Oh, yeah. That's the same picture."
He goes, "I know who you are."
I go, "That's crazy."
And he goes, "Give me your phone number."
And I go, "What?!"
I give him my number, we land.
I fucking run off the plane. Okay?
It's like... too much weird shit for one day.
The next day,
I'm sitting in my hotel room, and I get a text message from Mike Tyson.
You know what it says?
"Where's your show?"
And I go, "The Pittsburgh Improv."
"Where's that?"
I fucking Google it.
I send it to him, and the phone rings.
"Hey, Tom."
And I go, "'Sup, Champ?"
He goes, "We're coming to your show tonight, brother."
And I go, "That's fucking crazy!"
He goes, "Yeah, we wanna watch you do your work."
And I go, "Well, I'm honored."
And he goes, "It's all love."
I know what he's saying. I know the expression.
And I just want to reciprocate, but I... I don't know what to do.
And I'm super nervous, and I just go, "I love you."
And he goes, "Mmm, good luck at your show." And he hangs up the phone.
Seattle, you're the best. Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it. Thank you.
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com