1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:05,001 Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:28,859 And the weather, I mean, 3 00:00:28,861 --> 00:00:30,060 I think it's gonna hold off, but... 4 00:00:30,062 --> 00:00:32,130 Wanna get started? People are gonna be coming in. 5 00:00:32,132 --> 00:00:33,634 Okay, cool. 6 00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:41,407 For a long time, I didn't want to get married. 7 00:00:44,010 --> 00:00:46,076 - Whoo! - Yay! 8 00:00:47,980 --> 00:00:50,448 I felt like I couldn't create a new family 9 00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:53,419 until I came to terms with what happened to my own. 10 00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:19,279 I come from a long line of New York Jews. 11 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:28,452 I'm the great granddaughter of Eastern European immigrants 12 00:01:28,454 --> 00:01:31,291 who brought their culture and traditions to Brooklyn. 13 00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:40,164 The daughter of a nice Jewish girl 14 00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:42,032 and a nice Jewish boy. 15 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,639 I grew up in a world of synagogue, 16 00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:52,110 Hebrew school, bar mitzvahs. 17 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,016 My family knew who they were. 18 00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:59,419 And they defined who I was. 19 00:02:03,222 --> 00:02:05,992 So it never occurred to me that I was passing. 20 00:02:13,032 --> 00:02:15,536 I wasn't pretending to be something I wasn't. 21 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:22,442 I actually grew up believing I was white. 22 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,665 See, we're real Jews. 23 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,769 Ha, ha. This proves it. 24 00:02:51,270 --> 00:02:53,774 I'll show you. These are my grandparents. 25 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,274 This is Uncle Lou. 26 00:02:57,276 --> 00:02:59,177 And he's the one I'm named after. 27 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,111 Lou Lacey. 28 00:03:01,113 --> 00:03:03,113 He died at my mother's wedding. 29 00:03:03,115 --> 00:03:04,683 He had a heart attack in the bathroom 30 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:07,085 and somehow know that they got him out. 31 00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:08,218 She didn't know he had died 32 00:03:08,220 --> 00:03:11,090 until she got back from her honeymoon. 33 00:03:12,191 --> 00:03:14,625 Even though he died at her wedding. 34 00:03:14,627 --> 00:03:16,695 So that's who I'm named after. 35 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,399 Give him a rock. 36 00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:29,240 Sometimes I wonder who I would be, 37 00:03:29,242 --> 00:03:31,445 if none of this had ever happened. 38 00:03:33,346 --> 00:03:35,713 If I was still this nice, white Jewish girl. 39 00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:37,047 from Woodstock, New York. 40 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:41,788 What would've been different in my life. 41 00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:46,324 When Lacey was a little girl, 42 00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:49,728 we lived a comfortable life. 43 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,396 We lived, almost, 44 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:54,201 a picture perfect kind of life for a while. 45 00:03:57,137 --> 00:04:01,740 So when Lacey decided she was going to tell the story, 46 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:05,042 I was a little nervous about it. 47 00:04:05,044 --> 00:04:07,411 Lacey, I cannot start without you. 48 00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:08,916 Coming. 49 00:04:12,151 --> 00:04:13,654 It's not too bad. 50 00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,024 I'm waiting. 51 00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:21,359 Oh! 52 00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:24,161 Wait until you see what I just found. 53 00:04:24,163 --> 00:04:26,330 - What? - My wedding shoes. 54 00:04:26,332 --> 00:04:29,099 What's in there? Anything I don't wanna know about? 55 00:04:29,101 --> 00:04:31,236 Look at the size of these feet. 56 00:04:32,738 --> 00:04:34,772 How did that happen? Ha, ha. 57 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:35,741 Put your feet in. 58 00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:39,644 Lacey, there is no way on Earth... 59 00:04:39,646 --> 00:04:42,246 Let's try the left foot. 60 00:04:42,248 --> 00:04:44,748 Oh, happy times 61 00:04:44,750 --> 00:04:46,383 They would never... 62 00:04:46,385 --> 00:04:48,352 - Did you love them? - I loved them. 63 00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:50,255 How did you feel on your wedding day? 64 00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:51,823 I felt excited. 65 00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,291 - Did you? - Mm-hm. 66 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,795 Tell me more. 67 00:04:59,332 --> 00:05:01,298 I started going out with daddy 68 00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:03,435 when I was 16 years old. 69 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:07,337 Daddy was the man I was supposed to be with. 70 00:05:07,339 --> 00:05:10,474 Daddy was the person I grew up with. 71 00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:12,678 Daddy was all that. 72 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,886 So tell me about meeting mommy. 73 00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:24,222 I was, uh, supervisor of the Lake and Day camp. 74 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:28,426 And I had this bevy of gorgeous young teenage girls 75 00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:31,361 under my supervision. 76 00:05:31,363 --> 00:05:33,565 Including mommy. 77 00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:36,269 So I just started dating them one at a time. 78 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,577 And then when I got to mommy we stuck together. 79 00:05:48,147 --> 00:05:49,281 Grandma decided 80 00:05:49,283 --> 00:05:51,849 that this guy would be the perfect match for me. 81 00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:55,322 Grandma loved his brown eyes and his eyelashes. 82 00:05:59,358 --> 00:06:00,892 When we went back to Brooklyn 83 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:03,195 after the summer was over, 84 00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:04,294 it turns out she lived in the neighborhood 85 00:06:04,296 --> 00:06:05,395 maybe half a mile away. 86 00:06:05,397 --> 00:06:06,798 We just started going out. 87 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,200 But it was fun. We had fun. 88 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:12,770 It was nearby, it was a neighborhood romance. 89 00:06:12,772 --> 00:06:15,742 Everybody saw a stable and long-lasting couple. 90 00:06:22,214 --> 00:06:24,315 I was programmed to marry him. 91 00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:25,782 What do you mean? 92 00:06:25,784 --> 00:06:27,152 He was the path. 93 00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:29,219 I went to a city school. 94 00:06:29,221 --> 00:06:31,156 I became a teacher. 95 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:34,224 I got married to a nice Jewish guy. 96 00:06:34,226 --> 00:06:36,226 That's the way it was. 97 00:06:36,228 --> 00:06:37,762 It's just I've been... 98 00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:39,496 That's what I'm doing, I'm getting married. 99 00:06:39,498 --> 00:06:41,231 And I'm getting married to this guy. 100 00:06:41,233 --> 00:06:43,368 You just didn't think outside the box. 101 00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:44,303 We didn't. 102 00:06:44,305 --> 00:06:48,238 And sometimes it was easier that way. 103 00:06:54,813 --> 00:06:59,517 1972, Robert and I moved to upstate New York. 104 00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:02,953 It was just Robert and me until 1977. 105 00:07:02,955 --> 00:07:04,924 Then Lacey was born. 106 00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:09,894 My mother was in labor for 36 hours 107 00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:12,766 before the doctor finally performed a caesarean. 108 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,200 I saw you first. 109 00:07:16,202 --> 00:07:19,971 And there you are. 110 00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:22,539 I was so absolutely happy. 111 00:07:22,541 --> 00:07:24,945 You know, I was an uncle. 112 00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:30,847 I do remember seeing you for the first time. 113 00:07:30,849 --> 00:07:33,952 Up at the hospital, in the nursery. 114 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:37,287 And I remember your dad being very proud 115 00:07:37,289 --> 00:07:40,491 of the beautiful baby he had. 116 00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:42,493 And I remember 117 00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:48,233 you had a kind of, uh, yellowish tinge. 118 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,633 You did look a little different. 119 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:53,806 But, uh, you know, it was just how you looked. 120 00:08:10,522 --> 00:08:12,489 One day I went to nursery school 121 00:08:12,491 --> 00:08:13,991 and there was this little blond kid 122 00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:16,628 who seemed obsessed with how I looked. 123 00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:20,998 And he said to me, "Show me the color of your gums." 124 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,736 And I just showed him my gums, I was like: 125 00:08:25,604 --> 00:08:29,108 That's the earliest memory I have of feeling different. 126 00:08:30,476 --> 00:08:33,010 It was embarrassing to be singled out. 127 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,980 And it made me feel ugly. 128 00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:41,885 When I told my parents what had happened 129 00:08:41,887 --> 00:08:44,489 my father pulled out an old photo album 130 00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:46,890 and told me I took after his great grandfather 131 00:08:46,892 --> 00:08:48,394 who was Sicilian. 132 00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:53,898 And I saw pictures and I said, 133 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:58,468 "Oh, Lacey looks like Robert's grandfather." 134 00:08:58,470 --> 00:09:01,305 I just sort of believed what we were told, 135 00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:05,375 that somewhere, I don't know, in your family history 136 00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:07,511 there was some explanation for it. 137 00:09:07,513 --> 00:09:09,547 You know, the picture of the... 138 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,015 Sort of like, large looking, ha, ha... 139 00:09:12,017 --> 00:09:15,122 I don't even know what we were told he was. 140 00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:19,490 I believed it. 141 00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:21,428 I believed I was white. 142 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:26,029 We had a reason right there, in our family tree, 143 00:09:26,031 --> 00:09:28,868 of why I looked the way I did. 144 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,875 Ready? She can hit. 145 00:09:36,475 --> 00:09:37,574 Go. 146 00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:41,511 Watch it, here he comes. Get him, get him. 147 00:09:41,513 --> 00:09:43,047 Get him! Get him! 148 00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:44,048 So even though I knew 149 00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:46,083 that there was something different about me 150 00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:48,385 I didn't want to admit it. 151 00:09:50,422 --> 00:09:52,990 I'd find ways to reassure myself. 152 00:09:52,992 --> 00:09:55,092 I would tell myself 153 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:57,061 my dad gets really tan in the summer time, 154 00:09:57,063 --> 00:10:00,564 my mom's hair is really curly just like mine. 155 00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:03,034 And I would find ways to make it seem like, 156 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:07,239 you know what, I really was just like my parents. 157 00:10:10,042 --> 00:10:12,443 Show us how you can stand on your side. 158 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:13,745 - What? - Show us that trick. 159 00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,645 Oh, great. 160 00:10:15,647 --> 00:10:17,981 - Ha, ha. - Oh, that's terrific. 161 00:10:17,983 --> 00:10:19,485 How do you do that? 162 00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:22,986 Try to hold the camera steady. 163 00:10:22,988 --> 00:10:25,090 So it looks like I'm not too drunk. 164 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:30,595 Over there you have Peggy in her sweat clothes. 165 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,831 My new motto: 166 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:35,732 Late to bed, early to rise makes a woman extremely ugly. 167 00:10:35,734 --> 00:10:37,870 - Ha, ha. - Ha, ha. 168 00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:43,140 The diary my parents gave me on my 11th birthday 169 00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:46,245 makes it pretty clear I was feeling insecure. 170 00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,517 And school only made it worse. 171 00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:56,687 All the girls in my class have long straight hair. 172 00:10:56,689 --> 00:10:59,259 I didn't. And I hated it. 173 00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:03,494 I couldn't do anything about my skin, 174 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,632 but my hair was a different story. 175 00:11:08,801 --> 00:11:10,168 Does this look good? 176 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,202 Yes, it does. 177 00:11:12,204 --> 00:11:14,574 I'm just making it a little flatter. 178 00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:18,208 Let's see a little happiness. Here we go. 179 00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:19,776 - Walk this way. - Oh, my gosh. 180 00:11:19,778 --> 00:11:23,481 Oh, that's sweet. I'm so proud of her. 181 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,483 So proud of her, you have no idea. 182 00:11:26,485 --> 00:11:29,088 Today's the day. We did it. 183 00:11:33,792 --> 00:11:35,559 Except for that one conversation 184 00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:37,629 about my great grandfather, 185 00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:39,563 my parents and I never talked about it again. 186 00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:44,669 This is a movie camera, Marty. 187 00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:46,471 It's a movie camera. I didn't know that. 188 00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:48,174 I have never stood so still. Okay. 189 00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:02,688 Tell Marty to stop cutting. 190 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:09,827 At my bar mitzvah, 191 00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:11,795 a member of the synagogue 192 00:12:11,797 --> 00:12:13,765 came up to me and my mother and said, 193 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,500 "It's so nice to have an Ethiopian Jew 194 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:17,002 in our presence." 195 00:12:19,204 --> 00:12:21,074 My mother said nothing. 196 00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:25,208 So I corrected the woman 197 00:12:25,210 --> 00:12:27,613 and explained that I wasn't Ethiopian. 198 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,250 But when she walked away, 199 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,353 I remember feeling alone. 200 00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:47,968 I haven't been in Woodstock for so long. 201 00:12:49,699 --> 00:12:50,736 - Hi. - Ha, ha. 202 00:12:53,305 --> 00:12:55,805 Everything is exactly the same here. 203 00:12:55,807 --> 00:12:58,608 I mean, these guys were here when I was in high school. 204 00:12:58,610 --> 00:13:01,611 These two are really feeling it too. 205 00:13:01,613 --> 00:13:03,148 This is authentic... 206 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,751 Woodstock is a pretty liberal community. 207 00:13:07,753 --> 00:13:11,457 But there weren't that many black people in Woodstock. 208 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,927 Lacey's friends when she was a child, 209 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,464 those were all white kids. 210 00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:28,271 There were no black kids in my elementary school. None. 211 00:13:28,273 --> 00:13:31,342 It was a white world where race didn't exist for us. 212 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,811 It wasn't really talked about. 213 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,780 So I didn't really think anything about race. 214 00:13:36,782 --> 00:13:39,683 Lacey is getting ready for her prom. 215 00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:41,986 Fussing as ever. 216 00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,990 One, two, three. 217 00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,127 Big smile, big smile. 218 00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,328 But when I got to high school, 219 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,432 it wasn't so easy to ignore. 220 00:14:05,744 --> 00:14:08,346 This is one cafeteria. 221 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,213 And there, in that room... 222 00:14:10,215 --> 00:14:12,717 And this is another. 223 00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:17,888 This room is like stuck in 1996 and it cannot get out. 224 00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,193 It looks exactly the same. 225 00:14:24,763 --> 00:14:26,396 I went to high school in Kingston. 226 00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:30,335 One town over from Woodstock and much more diverse. 227 00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:33,803 Like in high schools everywhere, 228 00:14:33,805 --> 00:14:37,040 the kids found ways to segregate themselves. 229 00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:40,244 Jocks together, artsy types together. 230 00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:42,082 Cheerleaders together. 231 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,750 High school was really the first time in my life 232 00:14:46,752 --> 00:14:49,421 that I even crossed path with black people. 233 00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,923 In the hallways, the black kids would stare at me 234 00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:54,659 when I walked past them. 235 00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,961 It was weird. 236 00:14:56,963 --> 00:14:58,395 At first I actually thought 237 00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:01,399 they looked at all white people that way. 238 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,570 But then I realized, it was me. 239 00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:07,904 The black girls would stop me in the hallway 240 00:15:07,906 --> 00:15:09,906 and say, "What are you?" 241 00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:12,308 You know, I was offending them. 242 00:15:12,310 --> 00:15:16,313 And I would just tell them that I was white. 243 00:15:16,315 --> 00:15:18,582 That I was... 244 00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:21,686 You know, looks like my great grandfather was dark skinned. 245 00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:23,453 I would tell them I was Jewish. 246 00:15:23,455 --> 00:15:25,755 And the black girls in school would be like, 247 00:15:25,757 --> 00:15:28,292 "Well, you have to work some stuff out 248 00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:30,760 if you think that, you know, you're completely white. 249 00:15:30,762 --> 00:15:33,297 People definitely asked you. 250 00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:36,833 Are you black or white? Why are you trying to be white? 251 00:15:36,835 --> 00:15:39,102 What those girls didn't seem to understand was, 252 00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:42,906 I wasn't trying to be white, I was white. 253 00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:45,811 Everyone in my life had always let me think so. 254 00:15:46,945 --> 00:15:49,447 I remember specific situations where I'll be like, 255 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,448 "Oh, I'm gonna hang out with my friend Lacey." 256 00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,983 And they would be like, "Oh, Lacey, is she adopted?" 257 00:15:53,985 --> 00:15:57,855 And my friend's being like, "I mean, clearly she's black." 258 00:15:57,857 --> 00:16:00,757 And I would be like, "No, no, no, she's white." 259 00:16:00,759 --> 00:16:04,327 I always looked at you like... 260 00:16:04,329 --> 00:16:07,731 You looked black, ha, ha, right? 261 00:16:07,733 --> 00:16:11,401 But not that you were, I guess. 262 00:16:11,403 --> 00:16:13,770 You know, it's like you were my best friend. 263 00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:16,807 You looked like you were black, but I knew both of your parents. 264 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,143 I knew, you know... 265 00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:23,347 To me, you're just like a Jewish kid who... 266 00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:24,850 I don't know. 267 00:16:25,951 --> 00:16:30,420 Clearly you weren't the same as us. 268 00:16:30,422 --> 00:16:34,824 But it was, uh, like a touchy subject. 269 00:16:34,826 --> 00:16:36,894 Like... 270 00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:38,531 I don't know, like... 271 00:16:40,932 --> 00:16:44,135 Something that was never really comfortable. 272 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:49,140 I don't know if people knew it, or sensed it, or whatever. 273 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:53,843 It just seems like this 600-pound-gorilla in the room 274 00:16:53,845 --> 00:16:57,282 and to kind of just refuse to see it. 275 00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:02,385 If you look too closely at it, 276 00:17:02,387 --> 00:17:04,324 it didn't make any sense. 277 00:17:05,892 --> 00:17:07,493 So we didn't look. 278 00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:12,397 We found ways to see what we wanted to believe. 279 00:17:17,436 --> 00:17:19,737 Meanwhile, at home, 280 00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:21,641 my parents' marriage started to unravel. 281 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:27,410 At times, they seemed like peas in a pod. 282 00:17:27,412 --> 00:17:30,814 Other times, I remember feeling uncomfortable. 283 00:17:30,816 --> 00:17:33,984 They would argue and argue openly. 284 00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:36,219 Their relationship was better than most 285 00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:37,420 on the surface. 286 00:17:37,422 --> 00:17:40,090 I don't think I found out that she wasn't all that happy 287 00:17:40,092 --> 00:17:42,059 until years later. 288 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,960 We did get along for a while 289 00:17:43,962 --> 00:17:46,398 and then we didn't anymore and... 290 00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:51,168 And became not married. 291 00:17:51,170 --> 00:17:54,237 I think what I remember the most clearly 292 00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:56,207 around that time 293 00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:59,843 was how your mother 294 00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:03,046 seemed literally to go to pieces. 295 00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:06,551 She really fell apart. 296 00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:17,093 When my father packed up and left, 297 00:18:17,095 --> 00:18:20,565 like most kids, I thought the whole thing was my fault. 298 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,436 But I was afraid to ask. 299 00:18:26,205 --> 00:18:30,073 My father was mad at my mother and mad at the world. 300 00:18:30,075 --> 00:18:32,577 And it even seems like he was mad at me. 301 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,715 - Daddy? - What? 302 00:18:38,017 --> 00:18:41,986 When I was little we had always been really close. 303 00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:44,623 Now I felt abandoned and rejected by him. 304 00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:49,226 Any time I tried to talk to him about it, 305 00:18:49,228 --> 00:18:51,594 he either freaked out or ignored me. 306 00:18:51,596 --> 00:18:54,497 And I didn't understand why. 307 00:18:54,499 --> 00:18:57,133 You know, I had such a strong sense, 308 00:18:57,135 --> 00:18:59,903 when my parents were together, of who I was. 309 00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:01,639 I was their daughter, and when they split up, 310 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,745 I didn't really feel like I knew who I was. 311 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,718 Then I met Matt. 312 00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:17,688 Hi. 313 00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,255 - How are you? - I'm good. 314 00:19:19,257 --> 00:19:21,992 - How are you? - I'm good. 315 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,960 - This is a cool place. - Thank you. 316 00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:25,329 Can I see the rest of your apartment? 317 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,532 Uh, yes. 318 00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:31,134 That is the sometimes office that is getting rearranged. 319 00:19:31,136 --> 00:19:32,535 Matt's father is black. 320 00:19:32,537 --> 00:19:34,638 And his mother is white. 321 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,340 In high school, when we went out, 322 00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:39,112 people would ask if we were brother and sister. 323 00:19:40,278 --> 00:19:41,678 And for the first time 324 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,714 I started to doubt my parent's story 325 00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:47,251 about my dark-skinned Italian ancestor. 326 00:19:47,253 --> 00:19:48,953 I have such a profound memory 327 00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:50,286 of looking at your family pictures 328 00:19:50,288 --> 00:19:51,688 and being like, 329 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,657 "Come on, this is..." 330 00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:56,025 Like, you had the pictures coming back from Jamaica... 331 00:19:56,027 --> 00:19:57,328 With the braids. 332 00:19:57,330 --> 00:20:00,130 And you get so dark. 333 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:03,033 But how absurd it read to me, 334 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:07,271 even as, you know, 16 years old or something like that. 335 00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:10,306 I wasn't like a man of the world or anything. 336 00:20:10,308 --> 00:20:12,642 Your family...? 337 00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:16,045 Your cousins and stuff, and everyone was...? 338 00:20:16,047 --> 00:20:18,082 Even the adults? 339 00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:20,184 They heard the story and they went with it. 340 00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:22,052 White people will think anything. 341 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,987 - Ha, ha. - Crazy things. 342 00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:25,389 I know life can go for a long time. 343 00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,690 You'd just be like, "Wow." 344 00:20:27,692 --> 00:20:28,691 You know, because for me, 345 00:20:28,693 --> 00:20:30,694 I was relatively subconscious at that time. 346 00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:33,663 I think that's how race goes... 347 00:20:33,665 --> 00:20:35,999 It became clear that there was this denial. 348 00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:38,235 I remember being so struck by it. 349 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:43,674 By the weight of... 350 00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:46,342 ...that type, those types of secrets 351 00:20:46,344 --> 00:20:51,215 and it was a couple of years before we even talked about it. 352 00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:53,382 Hello. 353 00:20:53,384 --> 00:20:55,651 Matt really wanted me to think about it. 354 00:20:55,653 --> 00:20:57,688 He hounded me about it. 355 00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:59,255 He pushed me. 356 00:20:59,257 --> 00:21:00,759 And I pushed back. 357 00:21:02,061 --> 00:21:04,227 "I can deal with this now," I would say. 358 00:21:04,229 --> 00:21:06,598 My parents were in the middle of a divorce. 359 00:21:09,367 --> 00:21:12,504 But deep down, his questions were getting to me. 360 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,207 When it came time to apply to college, 361 00:21:18,209 --> 00:21:21,812 I decided I wanted to go to Georgetown. 362 00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:25,381 On their application I had to check a box. 363 00:21:25,383 --> 00:21:28,419 And the only box I had ever known was white. 364 00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:31,721 I didn't know what any of the others even meant for me. 365 00:21:31,723 --> 00:21:33,224 So I just didn't check anything. 366 00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:38,094 Georgetown required you to send in a picture, 367 00:21:38,096 --> 00:21:39,196 and based off a photograph, 368 00:21:39,198 --> 00:21:41,834 I was admitted to college as a black student. 369 00:21:44,135 --> 00:21:46,703 That moment when Georgetown said you're black, 370 00:21:46,705 --> 00:21:48,471 it was a moment that... 371 00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:51,140 It was like they gave me permission 372 00:21:51,142 --> 00:21:54,613 to start entertaining the idea myself. 373 00:21:59,818 --> 00:22:00,884 So when I got invited 374 00:22:00,886 --> 00:22:05,121 to the Black Student Alliance meeting, I went. 375 00:22:05,123 --> 00:22:07,158 And I kept on going. 376 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,195 All through college and on until law school. 377 00:22:10,296 --> 00:22:12,496 My name is Samuel, I'm from Ethiopia. 378 00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:15,165 I'm Isiah. I'm, uh, 32. 379 00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:18,168 My name is Jelani Jefferson. 380 00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:19,303 I'm from New Orleans. 381 00:22:19,305 --> 00:22:20,504 My name's Lacey Schwartz 382 00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:22,542 and I'm from Woodstock, New York. 383 00:22:28,713 --> 00:22:31,281 I graduated from the University of Alabama in Birmingham. 384 00:22:31,283 --> 00:22:32,216 And just like that 385 00:22:32,218 --> 00:22:34,817 I was welcomed to the black community. 386 00:22:34,819 --> 00:22:37,254 Just because of one photo. 387 00:22:37,256 --> 00:22:39,456 Not unlike the photo of my great grandfather, 388 00:22:39,458 --> 00:22:41,960 who 18 years earlier had made me white. 389 00:22:44,395 --> 00:22:46,565 It all seemed a little too easy. 390 00:22:47,766 --> 00:22:50,868 But at that point, I was ready to try on a new identity. 391 00:22:54,140 --> 00:22:57,207 There are different narratives of racial identity 392 00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:59,877 and people come with different assumptions 393 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:02,682 about what is to be a black person. 394 00:23:03,748 --> 00:23:06,216 The university was like Race 101. 395 00:23:07,253 --> 00:23:09,486 A crash course for a white person 396 00:23:09,488 --> 00:23:12,188 on what it means to be black. 397 00:23:12,190 --> 00:23:14,190 I have always taken it for granted 398 00:23:14,192 --> 00:23:15,226 that what I've accomplished 399 00:23:15,228 --> 00:23:18,394 was seen as a product of my own hard work. 400 00:23:18,396 --> 00:23:20,796 But I soon realized that my black friends felt 401 00:23:20,798 --> 00:23:24,603 they had to work harder to prove they deserve their success. 402 00:23:27,405 --> 00:23:29,406 White people don't spend a whole lot of time 403 00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,374 thinking about their whiteness. 404 00:23:31,376 --> 00:23:33,843 But for black people, blackness is everywhere. 405 00:23:36,015 --> 00:23:37,047 It was in the comics my friends referenced. 406 00:23:37,049 --> 00:23:40,484 The music being blasted in their dorm rooms. 407 00:23:40,486 --> 00:23:43,920 And the smack they were talking while playing cards. 408 00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:45,922 There were moments in the beginning 409 00:23:45,924 --> 00:23:48,524 where I would walk into all these black spaces. 410 00:23:48,526 --> 00:23:50,393 And I would think, how am I gonna fit in? 411 00:23:50,395 --> 00:23:52,362 Or what it's gonna be like? 412 00:23:52,364 --> 00:23:54,198 You know, would I dance in the right way? 413 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,899 And would I say the right things? 414 00:23:56,901 --> 00:23:58,968 But they didn't know all about the fact 415 00:23:58,970 --> 00:24:03,273 that I had grown up and only known other white kids. 416 00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:05,942 As it turned out, hanging out with black people 417 00:24:05,944 --> 00:24:08,844 have put a lot of my insecurities to rest. 418 00:24:08,846 --> 00:24:10,581 The dark skin I always worried about, 419 00:24:10,583 --> 00:24:12,549 was light skin to them. 420 00:24:12,551 --> 00:24:14,987 And my bad hair became good hair. 421 00:24:16,354 --> 00:24:19,823 My black friends looked at me and saw another black person. 422 00:24:19,825 --> 00:24:23,459 Feeling like an outsider was something they could relate to. 423 00:24:23,461 --> 00:24:25,930 And it didn't seem like a coincidence to me. 424 00:24:27,333 --> 00:24:29,999 For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged. 425 00:24:30,001 --> 00:24:34,105 And somehow I just knew that black was who I was. 426 00:24:36,275 --> 00:24:37,474 Of course that meant 427 00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:39,575 that there was something my parents weren't telling me. 428 00:24:39,577 --> 00:24:42,681 And I had no idea how to ask them about it. 429 00:24:43,982 --> 00:24:45,850 That's when I went to therapy. 430 00:24:52,490 --> 00:24:54,257 I was taking a film class at the time, 431 00:24:54,259 --> 00:24:56,394 and decided to tape my sessions. 432 00:24:58,863 --> 00:25:02,632 So I don't know where you want to begin. 433 00:25:02,634 --> 00:25:04,135 Well, I don't know. 434 00:25:06,639 --> 00:25:08,537 Because it's an unspoken thing. 435 00:25:08,539 --> 00:25:10,006 Like there's a part of me that... 436 00:25:10,008 --> 00:25:12,010 I feel like it's a charade. 437 00:25:13,545 --> 00:25:14,678 One of the reasons 438 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,979 why you wanted to come and see me was that I've had... 439 00:25:16,981 --> 00:25:20,383 Not an expertise in secrets, but I did specialize in that. 440 00:25:20,385 --> 00:25:22,854 Secrets create problems. 441 00:25:24,623 --> 00:25:27,990 I do lose focus but... I feel like an outsider. 442 00:25:27,992 --> 00:25:29,659 I can't really tolerate, like, 443 00:25:29,661 --> 00:25:32,028 putting myself to the side anymore. 444 00:25:32,030 --> 00:25:35,532 I feel like things are becoming so difficult. 445 00:25:35,534 --> 00:25:36,899 I feel just like... 446 00:25:36,901 --> 00:25:40,704 - I am physically exhausted. - Exhausting. 447 00:25:40,706 --> 00:25:42,406 But I am here 448 00:25:42,408 --> 00:25:45,508 to help you have this conversation. 449 00:25:45,510 --> 00:25:48,012 That you think you're getting some answers. 450 00:25:58,457 --> 00:26:00,657 I came home from my freshman year in college 451 00:26:00,659 --> 00:26:03,526 and I decided that I was gonna ask my mother 452 00:26:03,528 --> 00:26:06,063 why I looked the way I did. 453 00:26:06,065 --> 00:26:09,666 Lacey came to me and said, "We have to talk." 454 00:26:09,668 --> 00:26:12,936 It was like, "Oh, no." 455 00:26:12,938 --> 00:26:15,038 I'm scared. 456 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,640 She initially didn't wanted to talk to me about it. 457 00:26:17,642 --> 00:26:19,609 She told me she couldn't do it at that time. 458 00:26:19,611 --> 00:26:21,078 She had to do something else first. 459 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:22,246 My reaction was, 460 00:26:22,248 --> 00:26:26,949 "Please make her be quiet, make her stop for a while." 461 00:26:26,951 --> 00:26:28,618 And I told her I had to talk about it. 462 00:26:28,620 --> 00:26:31,755 I wanted to talk about why I looked the way I did. 463 00:26:31,757 --> 00:26:34,690 Lacey would ask, "How come you never talked to me about it? 464 00:26:34,692 --> 00:26:37,427 How come nobody ever talked to me about it?" 465 00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:40,130 And I said to her, "Mommy, you have to tell me." 466 00:26:40,132 --> 00:26:43,697 "How come nobody saw that I was different? 467 00:26:43,699 --> 00:26:46,136 How come nobody thought enough to come to me 468 00:26:46,138 --> 00:26:49,072 and say I know the truth." 469 00:26:49,074 --> 00:26:52,641 And for whatever reason, I decided that was the moment. 470 00:26:52,643 --> 00:26:54,977 She was pinning me. 471 00:26:54,979 --> 00:26:57,447 She wasn't letting me go. 472 00:26:57,449 --> 00:26:59,749 So she sat me down and she said, 473 00:26:59,751 --> 00:27:02,887 "The truth is, I had an affair with Rodney. 474 00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:10,459 And there's a good chance 475 00:27:10,461 --> 00:27:12,163 that he's your biological father." 476 00:27:21,140 --> 00:27:24,075 I had known Rodney for as long as I can remember. 477 00:27:25,611 --> 00:27:27,611 My mom had met him when she was 21 478 00:27:27,613 --> 00:27:30,114 and working at a city playground back in Brooklyn. 479 00:27:32,084 --> 00:27:34,583 Rodney was the king of that park. 480 00:27:34,585 --> 00:27:36,486 And when someone wrote a book about it, 481 00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:38,257 he became a kind of celebrity. 482 00:27:39,424 --> 00:27:41,056 Forty-year-old Rodney Parker 483 00:27:41,058 --> 00:27:44,194 has helped a few realize their dreams of becoming pros. 484 00:27:44,196 --> 00:27:46,162 He does promotional work in city parks 485 00:27:46,164 --> 00:27:47,198 for a sneaker company 486 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:49,565 but on the side works as a freelance scout. 487 00:27:49,567 --> 00:27:50,601 Apparently for no pay. 488 00:27:50,603 --> 00:27:53,203 Jim McMillian, forward of the New York Knicks, 489 00:27:53,205 --> 00:27:54,838 is his most noted discovery. 490 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,140 Players I help are basically the underground players, 491 00:27:57,142 --> 00:27:58,774 the players that nobody really looks at. 492 00:27:58,776 --> 00:28:00,610 The kid that's playing in the playground 493 00:28:00,612 --> 00:28:02,111 who might have more skill than the other kid 494 00:28:02,113 --> 00:28:03,615 playing in the playground. 495 00:28:04,682 --> 00:28:06,816 As a child, as far as I knew, 496 00:28:06,818 --> 00:28:09,186 Rodney was a ticket scalper. 497 00:28:09,188 --> 00:28:11,053 So he usually showed up 498 00:28:11,055 --> 00:28:12,788 when my mom and I would go into the city 499 00:28:12,790 --> 00:28:14,559 for a show or a concert. 500 00:28:16,527 --> 00:28:18,527 A couple of times, he even got me and my mom 501 00:28:18,529 --> 00:28:20,899 and my dad, tickets to a Knicks game. 502 00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:25,502 I thought he was, uh, a close friend of your mom's. 503 00:28:25,504 --> 00:28:27,070 I knew about the park. 504 00:28:27,072 --> 00:28:29,805 And I knew when I was desperate for a ticket, 505 00:28:29,807 --> 00:28:35,211 like to the Dylan 25 year reunion at the Garden, 506 00:28:35,213 --> 00:28:36,679 Rodney was the man. 507 00:28:38,850 --> 00:28:40,883 You remember meeting Rodney for the first time? 508 00:28:40,885 --> 00:28:42,886 Tell me about meeting Rodney for the first time. 509 00:28:42,888 --> 00:28:46,555 Your mom and I had gone to the city to... 510 00:28:46,557 --> 00:28:47,623 Shopping. 511 00:28:47,625 --> 00:28:50,694 And we were crossing 34th street and your mom said, 512 00:28:50,696 --> 00:28:52,661 "Oh, there's my friend Rodney." 513 00:28:52,663 --> 00:28:55,232 Now, of course, afterwards I knew 514 00:28:55,234 --> 00:28:57,633 that every time we ever ran into Rodney 515 00:28:57,635 --> 00:28:59,569 it wasn't like, "There's my friend Rodney." 516 00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:01,804 It was that she had been talking to him and she said, 517 00:29:01,806 --> 00:29:04,207 "We would be on 34th street at 2:07." 518 00:29:04,209 --> 00:29:06,743 But at that moment it seemed very co... 519 00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:09,111 "Oh, there's my friend Rodney." 520 00:29:09,113 --> 00:29:12,248 I remember driving home that day on the FDR 521 00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:13,184 and asking your mom, 522 00:29:13,186 --> 00:29:15,252 "Did you have an affair with Rodney?" 523 00:29:15,254 --> 00:29:16,719 And she said no. 524 00:29:16,721 --> 00:29:19,555 But when I met Rodney 525 00:29:19,557 --> 00:29:20,657 I said to myself, 526 00:29:20,659 --> 00:29:22,926 "Okay, I get it." 527 00:29:22,928 --> 00:29:25,631 That's really who Lacey looks like. 528 00:29:28,866 --> 00:29:31,735 I really didn't know what to think. 529 00:29:31,737 --> 00:29:35,671 There was a large part of me that was really relieved. 530 00:29:35,673 --> 00:29:38,941 That felt like I finally knew the truth. 531 00:29:38,943 --> 00:29:41,245 But then I didn't know what else to say. 532 00:29:42,648 --> 00:29:45,148 It really is the power of denial. 533 00:29:45,150 --> 00:29:46,749 How the hell did you not...? 534 00:29:46,751 --> 00:29:47,884 Or, not you. 535 00:29:47,886 --> 00:29:51,888 But how did anybody, sort of, not acknowledge this. 536 00:29:51,890 --> 00:29:55,292 How do you have a daughter with another man 537 00:29:55,294 --> 00:29:58,594 who clearly doesn't look like anybody in the family. 538 00:29:58,596 --> 00:30:02,765 She has the remarkable ability to look away from things 539 00:30:02,767 --> 00:30:04,601 and therefore, they don't happen. 540 00:30:04,603 --> 00:30:07,269 They don't exist, they are not real. 541 00:30:07,271 --> 00:30:08,804 I remember sitting at the table, 542 00:30:08,806 --> 00:30:13,208 at some family function with Rodney and your mother. 543 00:30:13,210 --> 00:30:17,980 And it being so apparent that this was your father. 544 00:30:17,982 --> 00:30:21,719 For my eyes, you know, I mean, it just seems so clear. 545 00:30:23,188 --> 00:30:25,322 And I remember your father talking about 546 00:30:25,324 --> 00:30:28,224 how he had drank a lot the night before 547 00:30:28,226 --> 00:30:30,694 and Rodney couldn't believe that he went out for a run 548 00:30:30,696 --> 00:30:32,197 that morning. 549 00:30:33,998 --> 00:30:35,631 - I'm like... - Ha-ha-ha. 550 00:30:35,633 --> 00:30:38,701 Dude, that's what you couldn't believe? 551 00:30:38,703 --> 00:30:40,870 That was so weird. Ha, ha. 552 00:30:40,872 --> 00:30:44,841 That was as bad as blatantly throwing it in people's faces 553 00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:50,013 as you could do, and having people look away. 554 00:30:52,784 --> 00:30:54,950 My mom had been lying to me and everyone else 555 00:30:54,952 --> 00:30:56,454 for my entire life. 556 00:30:57,889 --> 00:30:59,688 It seemed pretty obvious to me 557 00:30:59,690 --> 00:31:02,393 the affair had to be a factor in my parent's divorce. 558 00:31:05,229 --> 00:31:08,333 I was so angry with her I could barely speak to her. 559 00:31:11,236 --> 00:31:13,338 I couldn't wait to get back to school. 560 00:31:29,654 --> 00:31:31,720 Now that I knew that I had a black parent, 561 00:31:31,722 --> 00:31:33,657 that I was actually black, 562 00:31:33,659 --> 00:31:34,858 I wasn't sure what to do 563 00:31:34,860 --> 00:31:37,161 with the part of myself that was white. 564 00:31:41,866 --> 00:31:42,998 - Hi. - Hi. 565 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:44,734 - Ha, ha. - Happy birthday. 566 00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:45,869 - Hi. - Hi. 567 00:31:48,039 --> 00:31:50,073 Do you want it up...? 568 00:31:50,075 --> 00:31:51,408 I really like steam my hair like once a year. 569 00:31:51,410 --> 00:31:54,276 It works and it's good for bangs. 570 00:31:54,278 --> 00:31:56,746 Oh, really? More money for travel. 571 00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:59,916 Yeah, I know, I know. 572 00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:02,686 - Um... - Let me ask you a question. 573 00:32:02,688 --> 00:32:04,888 Is being biracial, half black, half white, 574 00:32:04,890 --> 00:32:05,988 a category of being black? 575 00:32:05,990 --> 00:32:08,057 - Like I think of it... - Definitely. 576 00:32:08,059 --> 00:32:09,892 - Yeah. - I think of it that way. 577 00:32:09,894 --> 00:32:10,893 Like everybody is black. 578 00:32:10,895 --> 00:32:12,928 Is being mixed is a category of being black, 579 00:32:12,930 --> 00:32:15,098 being mixed to me is not a category of being white. 580 00:32:15,100 --> 00:32:18,400 It's so funny, because you know the whole one drop rule, right? 581 00:32:18,402 --> 00:32:20,704 It's like one drop of black blood you're black. 582 00:32:20,706 --> 00:32:23,105 So there's all these people 583 00:32:23,107 --> 00:32:25,108 who we accept... 584 00:32:25,110 --> 00:32:28,044 Like Tiger and his cabalasian self, you know. 585 00:32:28,046 --> 00:32:29,879 We're like, "Yeah, we're claiming that." 586 00:32:29,881 --> 00:32:30,979 And so it's just... 587 00:32:30,981 --> 00:32:32,881 It is an inclusive... 588 00:32:32,883 --> 00:32:34,883 It's beyond race to me. 589 00:32:34,885 --> 00:32:36,351 Even when I was in India recently. 590 00:32:36,353 --> 00:32:39,322 It's kind of brown people, you know, 591 00:32:39,324 --> 00:32:41,056 because after there were no black people 592 00:32:41,058 --> 00:32:42,458 the Indian girl looked cool. 593 00:32:45,063 --> 00:32:46,428 I was like, "Hey, girl." 594 00:32:46,430 --> 00:32:48,832 Ha, ha. Some brown in the building. 595 00:32:50,736 --> 00:32:54,103 It's a common connection with, um... 596 00:32:54,105 --> 00:32:56,939 Sort of being the underdog in some way, 597 00:32:56,941 --> 00:32:58,207 not being accepted. 598 00:32:58,209 --> 00:33:02,044 And really walking into a room of people, like, I accept you. 599 00:33:02,046 --> 00:33:04,413 For me, you know, I grew up my whole life 600 00:33:04,415 --> 00:33:08,450 with people constantly asking me why I look the way I did. 601 00:33:08,452 --> 00:33:11,487 And maybe I identified as being black. 602 00:33:11,489 --> 00:33:14,325 So, because I... 603 00:33:15,494 --> 00:33:17,360 Wanted to be part of the black community. 604 00:33:17,362 --> 00:33:22,165 - Yeah. - Being black feels good for me. 605 00:33:22,167 --> 00:33:24,967 Because it's being true to yourself. 606 00:33:24,969 --> 00:33:27,437 I mean, it's being true to who you are 607 00:33:27,439 --> 00:33:29,906 because it's such a hodgepodge of people. 608 00:33:29,908 --> 00:33:33,543 You can be Lacey from Woodstock. 609 00:33:33,545 --> 00:33:37,147 You know, from the parents of Peggy Schwartz. 610 00:33:37,149 --> 00:33:39,849 It's like, "Okay." 611 00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:40,984 I think there's power 612 00:33:40,986 --> 00:33:43,519 in identifying yourself as white. 613 00:33:43,521 --> 00:33:46,790 I mean, as making white folks accept you 614 00:33:46,792 --> 00:33:47,890 as part of being white. 615 00:33:47,892 --> 00:33:49,926 Mm-hm. 616 00:33:54,399 --> 00:33:56,064 So can we get ready for my party please? 617 00:33:56,066 --> 00:33:57,499 - Sure, yes. - Ha-ha-ha. 618 00:34:01,972 --> 00:34:02,871 Being true to myself 619 00:34:02,873 --> 00:34:05,276 meant being both white and black. 620 00:34:07,411 --> 00:34:08,911 When it came to my family, 621 00:34:08,913 --> 00:34:11,315 I kept the black part under wraps. 622 00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:14,884 In my parents' world... 623 00:34:14,886 --> 00:34:17,953 Hallelujah, praise o ye servants of the eternal. 624 00:34:17,955 --> 00:34:19,522 Praise ye the name of the eternal. 625 00:34:19,524 --> 00:34:21,558 ...I was still a nice Jewish girl. 626 00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:23,996 With two white Jewish parents. 627 00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:33,136 After Lacey and I acknowledged Lacey's parentage. 628 00:34:33,138 --> 00:34:36,973 It still wasn't discussed between Robert and Lacey, 629 00:34:36,975 --> 00:34:40,576 and it wasn't discussed between Robert and me. 630 00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:42,879 So I still was on egg shells 631 00:34:42,881 --> 00:34:46,616 and Lacey was on egg shells also. 632 00:34:47,919 --> 00:34:49,618 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 633 00:34:49,620 --> 00:34:51,756 Dad, I didn't do it on purpose. 634 00:34:52,957 --> 00:34:54,459 Sorry, Lucy. 635 00:34:55,926 --> 00:34:57,960 I didn't know what my father did, 636 00:34:57,962 --> 00:35:00,230 or didn't know. 637 00:35:00,232 --> 00:35:01,964 I only knew that being black 638 00:35:01,966 --> 00:35:04,001 was connected to breaking his heart. 639 00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:07,237 It felt really scary. 640 00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:10,073 Like, what would happen if I talked about it? 641 00:35:10,075 --> 00:35:12,275 And I was afraid of not being a part 642 00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:14,713 of the world that I have grown up with anymore. 643 00:35:18,216 --> 00:35:20,250 Hello. Ha, ha. 644 00:35:20,252 --> 00:35:21,516 Hi. 645 00:35:21,518 --> 00:35:22,652 Are they related? 646 00:35:22,654 --> 00:35:24,120 They have the same father. 647 00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:25,991 Do they know it? 648 00:35:31,096 --> 00:35:32,228 I kept my white world 649 00:35:32,230 --> 00:35:34,630 and my black world segregated. 650 00:35:34,632 --> 00:35:37,634 But I needed to keep exploring who I was. 651 00:35:37,636 --> 00:35:39,738 So I tried to get to know Rodney on my own. 652 00:35:49,915 --> 00:35:52,147 After college, I was living in New York. 653 00:35:52,149 --> 00:35:54,183 So was he. 654 00:35:54,185 --> 00:35:56,118 We spent some weekend afternoons together. 655 00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:58,522 One of my main kids right here. Chris Andrew. 656 00:36:01,091 --> 00:36:03,125 I wonder if I would share a bond with him 657 00:36:03,127 --> 00:36:04,161 as a black person, 658 00:36:04,163 --> 00:36:07,330 that I didn't share with my white family. 659 00:36:07,332 --> 00:36:08,834 But I didn't feel it. 660 00:36:11,169 --> 00:36:13,370 And as much as I tried, 661 00:36:13,372 --> 00:36:14,739 the time I spent with him didn't change that. 662 00:36:22,547 --> 00:36:24,147 At one point he introduced me 663 00:36:24,149 --> 00:36:26,114 to his other children. 664 00:36:26,116 --> 00:36:29,319 He had seven by a few different women. 665 00:36:29,321 --> 00:36:32,955 Kristin was the youngest and closest to my age. 666 00:36:32,957 --> 00:36:36,292 She had also grown up as an only child. 667 00:36:36,294 --> 00:36:39,661 Now, suddenly, we were sisters. 668 00:36:39,663 --> 00:36:41,163 So like to finally have a sister, 669 00:36:41,165 --> 00:36:43,165 I was like, "Yeah, I can see the resemblance." 670 00:36:43,167 --> 00:36:46,002 I guess for me was, um, you know... 671 00:36:46,004 --> 00:36:47,569 And we spent some time together 672 00:36:47,571 --> 00:36:49,339 and I just didn't feel the connection. 673 00:36:49,341 --> 00:36:51,574 To her, or to Rodney. 674 00:36:51,576 --> 00:36:53,009 It wasn't her. It was just... 675 00:36:53,011 --> 00:36:55,377 They were strangers to me. 676 00:36:55,379 --> 00:36:57,612 So do you wear your hair curly mostly? 677 00:36:57,614 --> 00:37:00,185 - Like almost solely. - Yeah. 678 00:37:05,622 --> 00:37:07,625 I didn't know where I belonged. 679 00:37:10,328 --> 00:37:12,431 Rodney was not my father. 680 00:37:14,098 --> 00:37:17,568 And my real father had no idea who I actually was. 681 00:37:40,225 --> 00:37:43,792 Then, shortly before my 30th birthday, 682 00:37:43,794 --> 00:37:47,598 my mother called and told me that Rodney had died. 683 00:38:09,654 --> 00:38:11,319 Hi. 684 00:38:11,321 --> 00:38:13,089 - How are you? - Morris. 685 00:38:13,091 --> 00:38:14,790 - Hello. - This is my daughter Lacey. 686 00:38:14,792 --> 00:38:16,658 - Hi. - Hey, Lacey, how you doing? 687 00:38:16,660 --> 00:38:18,795 I'm fine. How are you? 688 00:38:18,797 --> 00:38:19,730 - Hi. - You don't know me. 689 00:38:19,732 --> 00:38:22,198 - I'm Albert King. - Hi, nice to meet you. 690 00:38:22,200 --> 00:38:23,399 He was a great man. 691 00:38:23,401 --> 00:38:24,667 It's so nice to meet you. 692 00:38:24,669 --> 00:38:26,134 - My name is Robert. - Hi. 693 00:38:26,136 --> 00:38:28,437 I've got many memories of your dad. 694 00:38:28,439 --> 00:38:30,205 - Here's my card... - Thank you. 695 00:38:30,207 --> 00:38:32,208 You're one of Rodney's daughters also? 696 00:38:32,210 --> 00:38:33,308 Yeah. 697 00:38:38,315 --> 00:38:41,451 You're not the one I drove down to Manhattan? 698 00:38:41,453 --> 00:38:43,685 - That played the piano? - No. 699 00:38:43,687 --> 00:38:45,721 I need a scorecard to keep track... 700 00:38:45,723 --> 00:38:47,223 - Scorecard? - Ha-ha-ha. 701 00:38:47,225 --> 00:38:48,927 I need an encyclopedia. 702 00:38:59,136 --> 00:39:00,705 This is so strange. 703 00:39:12,450 --> 00:39:14,283 I sat with Rodney's other children 704 00:39:14,285 --> 00:39:15,786 in the front row. 705 00:39:17,187 --> 00:39:18,956 But I felt out of place. 706 00:39:22,192 --> 00:39:26,228 I recite this poem to my black brothers. 707 00:39:26,230 --> 00:39:27,998 It says I wanna be my own man... 708 00:39:29,399 --> 00:39:30,732 Behind me was my mother 709 00:39:30,734 --> 00:39:33,805 and some other family members who have come to support her. 710 00:39:35,806 --> 00:39:39,442 If any of them knew that Rodney was my biological father, 711 00:39:39,444 --> 00:39:41,846 none of them had ever said so to me. 712 00:39:43,547 --> 00:39:45,448 Rodney is survived by his daughters, 713 00:39:45,450 --> 00:39:48,551 Suzette Michelle Parker, Kristin Marissa Parker 714 00:39:48,553 --> 00:39:52,388 and Lacey Schwartz, son Rodney James Parker... 715 00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:54,223 When I was announced 716 00:39:54,225 --> 00:39:57,225 as one of his children during the service, 717 00:39:57,227 --> 00:39:59,362 I knew that there was no going back. 718 00:39:59,364 --> 00:40:03,068 That everyone in my white family then knew that I was black. 719 00:40:07,504 --> 00:40:09,772 - How are you? - It's weird. 720 00:40:09,774 --> 00:40:10,906 It's weird. 721 00:40:12,243 --> 00:40:13,775 Are you sure? 722 00:40:13,777 --> 00:40:15,714 - Are you hanging in there? - Yeah. 723 00:40:17,381 --> 00:40:18,882 It's just weird. 724 00:40:23,254 --> 00:40:24,554 My cousins were there. 725 00:40:24,556 --> 00:40:26,422 My friends that were there. 726 00:40:26,424 --> 00:40:30,560 And it was a very uncomfortable situation. 727 00:40:30,562 --> 00:40:33,395 Lacey knew that her family 728 00:40:33,397 --> 00:40:37,433 would be watching her and seeing how she reacted. 729 00:40:37,435 --> 00:40:41,773 But nobody discussed it openly. 730 00:40:54,886 --> 00:40:57,652 The funeral was the last straw. 731 00:40:57,654 --> 00:41:01,524 But my family seemed fine to pretend about who I was. 732 00:41:01,526 --> 00:41:03,328 But I was done letting them. 733 00:41:04,895 --> 00:41:06,429 I remember the very first time 734 00:41:06,431 --> 00:41:09,864 that I ever put two and two together. 735 00:41:09,866 --> 00:41:13,268 When I started realizing that you were kind of changing. 736 00:41:13,270 --> 00:41:15,870 Not certainly who you associated yourself with or... 737 00:41:15,872 --> 00:41:17,505 Not associated yourself with, 738 00:41:17,507 --> 00:41:20,542 but how you viewed yourself or... 739 00:41:20,544 --> 00:41:22,645 And I think that's kind of when I started thinking 740 00:41:22,647 --> 00:41:28,583 that race was gonna play a bigger role. 741 00:41:28,585 --> 00:41:31,987 Do you feel it necessary to say to yourself, 742 00:41:31,989 --> 00:41:35,024 I've made a decision, I am a white woman. 743 00:41:35,026 --> 00:41:36,625 Or I am a black woman. 744 00:41:36,627 --> 00:41:38,594 Or I am a combination of each or is it...? 745 00:41:38,596 --> 00:41:41,464 Yeah, I think of myself as, like, somebody who's biracial 746 00:41:41,466 --> 00:41:42,964 and half of my race is black. 747 00:41:42,966 --> 00:41:46,534 I think of myself, like I'm a category of black. 748 00:41:46,536 --> 00:41:48,937 I don't identify as being white. 749 00:41:48,939 --> 00:41:50,841 Okay, that's fair. 750 00:41:52,609 --> 00:41:55,444 I mean, do you think of me as black? 751 00:41:55,446 --> 00:41:57,013 Today I think is the first time 752 00:41:57,015 --> 00:41:59,681 that you and I have ever spoken those words to each other. 753 00:41:59,683 --> 00:42:01,516 To say like do I think of you as black... 754 00:42:01,518 --> 00:42:04,020 Like, what does that mean? 755 00:42:04,022 --> 00:42:07,690 - I mean, how do you view me? - As my cousin. 756 00:42:07,692 --> 00:42:11,029 I was naive to any concept of... 757 00:42:12,297 --> 00:42:14,696 For lack of a better descriptor, race. 758 00:42:14,698 --> 00:42:19,634 I never really viewed you as white or black or anything. 759 00:42:19,636 --> 00:42:21,571 And I could never really 760 00:42:21,573 --> 00:42:23,605 with something that I even thought about. 761 00:42:23,607 --> 00:42:25,540 Well, I think of you as black 762 00:42:25,542 --> 00:42:28,076 because I think you think of yourself as black. 763 00:42:28,078 --> 00:42:30,448 I think mostly I think of you as Lacey. 764 00:42:31,683 --> 00:42:37,386 My father and I have never talked about, in anyway, 765 00:42:37,388 --> 00:42:42,391 my paternity, my race... 766 00:42:42,393 --> 00:42:44,726 - Anything. - How bizarre is that? 767 00:42:46,330 --> 00:42:48,432 You know, I mean, really? 768 00:42:49,933 --> 00:42:51,933 I'm worried about who I'm talking to. 769 00:42:51,935 --> 00:42:54,502 How do I say to him, 770 00:42:54,504 --> 00:42:55,937 I need to talk to you. 771 00:42:55,939 --> 00:42:57,440 A good thing that I promised myself 772 00:42:57,442 --> 00:42:59,841 because I would never have children. 773 00:42:59,843 --> 00:43:01,344 And they will be on, like, the New York State Freeway, 774 00:43:01,346 --> 00:43:02,444 on the way up, and say, 775 00:43:02,446 --> 00:43:05,082 "Like, remember, grandpa doesn't know mommy's black." 776 00:43:13,690 --> 00:43:17,092 Dad, I really wanna talk to you. 777 00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:18,395 When I... 778 00:43:21,031 --> 00:43:22,565 I think there's a lot to talk about 779 00:43:22,567 --> 00:43:24,734 and I think that... 780 00:43:24,736 --> 00:43:26,237 You know... 781 00:43:27,705 --> 00:43:29,371 I would say... 782 00:43:29,373 --> 00:43:30,875 God... 783 00:43:34,078 --> 00:43:36,645 I mean, it's two conversations... 784 00:43:36,647 --> 00:43:38,080 There are certain things I need to get out of the way. 785 00:43:38,082 --> 00:43:39,382 There are certain things 786 00:43:39,384 --> 00:43:40,982 I would like to talk to you about. 787 00:43:40,984 --> 00:43:43,451 But there's a difference between saying what I like to do 788 00:43:43,453 --> 00:43:44,553 and what I need to do. 789 00:43:44,555 --> 00:43:46,121 And one of the things that I realized 790 00:43:46,123 --> 00:43:47,926 that I need to say... 791 00:43:50,027 --> 00:43:53,097 ...is I need to openly acknowledge to you... 792 00:43:54,131 --> 00:43:56,998 ...that I identify as a black woman. 793 00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:59,467 What a surprise. 794 00:43:59,469 --> 00:44:01,002 But I've never said that to you, Dad. 795 00:44:01,004 --> 00:44:02,840 Well, you didn't have to. 796 00:44:08,446 --> 00:44:10,413 - And the reason... - I see the books you read. 797 00:44:10,415 --> 00:44:13,047 I see the relationships you have. 798 00:44:13,049 --> 00:44:15,150 I see the music you like. 799 00:44:15,152 --> 00:44:17,522 I see the, uh... 800 00:44:19,122 --> 00:44:23,260 The entertainment realm that appeals to you. 801 00:44:24,828 --> 00:44:27,763 Okay. What else is new? 802 00:44:27,765 --> 00:44:29,267 I knew that. 803 00:44:39,843 --> 00:44:42,178 In the end I just felt dismissed by him. 804 00:44:42,180 --> 00:44:43,478 Like, he didn't... 805 00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:45,080 Like maybe he was ashamed of me. 806 00:44:45,082 --> 00:44:46,584 Like he didn't want to... 807 00:44:48,051 --> 00:44:50,719 He wasn't willing to go there with me. 808 00:44:50,721 --> 00:44:54,058 And I felt like I so desperately needed to understand. 809 00:44:55,493 --> 00:44:58,930 And so I decided I had to really talk to my mother. 810 00:45:04,134 --> 00:45:06,201 Hey. 811 00:45:06,203 --> 00:45:10,638 The operative word in "we have to unload" is we. 812 00:45:10,640 --> 00:45:12,507 Okay. 813 00:45:13,877 --> 00:45:15,210 - All right. - Okay. 814 00:45:15,212 --> 00:45:17,212 I think that's all from the back, right? 815 00:45:17,214 --> 00:45:19,681 - I think we're done. - Mom. 816 00:45:19,683 --> 00:45:22,116 When you got married, you got married in what year? 817 00:45:22,118 --> 00:45:23,819 1968. 818 00:45:23,821 --> 00:45:27,089 In 1968, and then you lived where? 819 00:45:27,091 --> 00:45:28,556 Uh, Forest Hills. 820 00:45:28,558 --> 00:45:30,558 Did you know Rodney before that or after that? 821 00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:34,129 I met Rodney when I got a job in the Parks Department. 822 00:45:34,131 --> 00:45:36,130 What year did you get a job in Parks Department? 823 00:45:36,132 --> 00:45:37,266 1968. 824 00:45:37,268 --> 00:45:39,237 The same year you got married. 825 00:45:44,642 --> 00:45:46,143 Yes. 826 00:45:49,913 --> 00:45:52,647 Because then I wasn't born until '77. 827 00:45:52,649 --> 00:45:53,915 Right. 828 00:45:53,917 --> 00:45:56,653 When were you first with him? 829 00:46:01,125 --> 00:46:02,824 Mother, just tell me. 830 00:46:02,826 --> 00:46:04,859 1968. 831 00:46:04,861 --> 00:46:06,663 Before or after you got married? 832 00:46:07,931 --> 00:46:09,433 Before. 833 00:46:12,669 --> 00:46:13,768 Oh, my God. Ha, ha. 834 00:46:13,770 --> 00:46:15,270 When did you tell daddy 835 00:46:15,272 --> 00:46:17,239 that you've been having an affair with Rodney? 836 00:46:17,241 --> 00:46:18,743 I never did. 837 00:46:22,712 --> 00:46:24,647 Did daddy know? 838 00:46:24,649 --> 00:46:26,714 Yes. 839 00:46:26,716 --> 00:46:29,284 You know about the time when his wife attacked me? 840 00:46:29,286 --> 00:46:30,920 What? 841 00:46:30,922 --> 00:46:32,855 This is what happened. 842 00:46:32,857 --> 00:46:34,891 There was Rodney, and there was his wife. 843 00:46:34,893 --> 00:46:37,259 And his wife and I were kind of friendly. 844 00:46:37,261 --> 00:46:39,962 But obviously she found out that there was... 845 00:46:39,964 --> 00:46:41,696 Whatever else was happening. 846 00:46:41,698 --> 00:46:43,598 So Rodney's wife came to visit me 847 00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:45,167 and she and I were sitting in the car 848 00:46:45,169 --> 00:46:47,169 and all of a sudden she takes out a razor blade. 849 00:46:47,171 --> 00:46:49,904 - Oh! - She takes out a razor blade. 850 00:46:49,906 --> 00:46:51,774 Can you see this? 851 00:46:51,776 --> 00:46:53,975 Can you see this going up here? 852 00:46:53,977 --> 00:46:56,245 Here. See that? 853 00:46:56,247 --> 00:46:57,179 No way. 854 00:46:57,181 --> 00:46:59,181 - I didn't know this story. - And... 855 00:46:59,183 --> 00:47:00,315 This was before I was born? 856 00:47:00,317 --> 00:47:02,518 Yeah. 857 00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:04,886 Well, anyway, so she takes out a razor blade. 858 00:47:04,888 --> 00:47:07,623 And this is gonna burn. 859 00:47:07,625 --> 00:47:10,192 And she goes to slash me in the face. 860 00:47:10,194 --> 00:47:12,895 So I go like this. 861 00:47:12,897 --> 00:47:14,399 So... 862 00:47:16,232 --> 00:47:18,736 Now, the police come and they arrest her. 863 00:47:20,236 --> 00:47:22,203 So... 864 00:47:22,205 --> 00:47:23,272 Of course, I... 865 00:47:23,274 --> 00:47:25,873 Did you tell daddy Rodney's wife tried to slash me? 866 00:47:25,875 --> 00:47:27,141 Yes. 867 00:47:27,143 --> 00:47:29,678 Did daddy already know you were having an affair with Rodney? 868 00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:30,812 No. 869 00:47:30,814 --> 00:47:32,948 Until you got slashed? 870 00:47:32,950 --> 00:47:37,786 He basically said to me then, 871 00:47:37,788 --> 00:47:40,056 "You know, whatever has happened, 872 00:47:40,058 --> 00:47:42,060 let's put it aside and let's go about our business." 873 00:47:44,361 --> 00:47:46,228 And that was the last conversation we had 874 00:47:46,230 --> 00:47:47,732 about that. 875 00:47:51,636 --> 00:47:54,902 Fact is, if the man with whom I had an affair 876 00:47:54,904 --> 00:47:58,341 had not been black, none of this would've come out. 877 00:48:21,364 --> 00:48:24,033 A lifetime of lies had torn my family apart. 878 00:48:27,404 --> 00:48:29,404 I hope that talking about the truth 879 00:48:29,406 --> 00:48:31,109 could put it back together. 880 00:48:39,015 --> 00:48:41,817 First saved message. 881 00:48:41,819 --> 00:48:43,719 Hi, Lacey. It's dad. 882 00:48:43,721 --> 00:48:46,788 Um, been giving some thought about our conversation. 883 00:48:46,790 --> 00:48:48,824 And, uh... 884 00:48:48,826 --> 00:48:51,794 It's not a good time for me to talk to you. 885 00:48:51,796 --> 00:48:54,395 So, um, not wanting to introduce 886 00:48:54,397 --> 00:48:57,332 new sources of stress and complications. 887 00:48:57,334 --> 00:49:00,301 So we have to pick a time 888 00:49:00,303 --> 00:49:03,871 when I feel, uh, more calm 889 00:49:03,873 --> 00:49:05,741 and peaceful about my life. 890 00:49:05,743 --> 00:49:08,042 Right now, I'm pretty stressed out. 891 00:49:08,044 --> 00:49:10,078 I haven't shared things with you, so... 892 00:49:10,080 --> 00:49:12,182 Talk to you later, bye. 893 00:49:22,026 --> 00:49:24,926 The more my father pushed me away, 894 00:49:24,928 --> 00:49:27,430 the more I press my mother for details. 895 00:49:30,500 --> 00:49:31,933 - This is it. - That one? 896 00:49:31,935 --> 00:49:34,372 As I remember walking on the street. 897 00:49:35,406 --> 00:49:36,940 There it is. 898 00:49:42,779 --> 00:49:44,011 So this is where I worked. 899 00:49:44,013 --> 00:49:45,480 This is were... This is it? 900 00:49:45,482 --> 00:49:46,783 This is it. 901 00:49:47,951 --> 00:49:49,484 What was this neighborhood like then? 902 00:49:49,486 --> 00:49:52,087 It was just the way it is now. 903 00:49:52,089 --> 00:49:53,989 It's exactly what it was like. 904 00:49:53,991 --> 00:49:56,391 This was a black neighborhood. 905 00:49:56,393 --> 00:49:58,460 - Yeah. - Apparently it still is. 906 00:49:58,462 --> 00:50:01,096 - What I'm saying... - Ha-ha-ha. 907 00:50:01,098 --> 00:50:02,998 When you first started working here, 908 00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:04,766 were you like, "What am I doing here?" 909 00:50:04,768 --> 00:50:05,835 I had no clue what I was doing. 910 00:50:05,837 --> 00:50:09,437 I was 21 years old, and I was white and Jewish, 911 00:50:09,439 --> 00:50:11,474 and I was in charge of this playground. 912 00:50:13,109 --> 00:50:15,844 See, right up there? That's where Rodney lived. 913 00:50:15,846 --> 00:50:18,547 - Oh, he lived right here? - He lived right there. 914 00:50:18,549 --> 00:50:21,516 See the top floor? 915 00:50:21,518 --> 00:50:23,118 Here's the thing about Rodney. 916 00:50:23,120 --> 00:50:27,054 It was very appealing to know that there was somebody 917 00:50:27,056 --> 00:50:30,294 who I could snap my fingers and he would come running. 918 00:50:32,930 --> 00:50:35,496 - So after I was born... - Mm-hm. 919 00:50:35,498 --> 00:50:39,400 When did you think you realized that I was Rodney's daughter. 920 00:50:39,402 --> 00:50:41,569 Well, let's back up. 921 00:50:41,571 --> 00:50:43,373 We know the infamous... 922 00:50:45,509 --> 00:50:47,511 Daddy and the grandfather. 923 00:50:48,879 --> 00:50:52,013 Daddy and the Sicilian grandfather. 924 00:50:52,015 --> 00:50:53,214 - Yes. - You know that. 925 00:50:53,216 --> 00:50:55,417 I wanted to believe that so badly, 926 00:50:55,419 --> 00:50:57,585 that I probably latched on to that. 927 00:50:57,587 --> 00:51:01,359 So I was able to kind of not think about it. 928 00:51:03,027 --> 00:51:06,194 And then Rodney would say, 929 00:51:06,196 --> 00:51:08,163 "Look at that kid, she looks just like me." 930 00:51:08,165 --> 00:51:10,866 And I would say, "No, she doesn't." 931 00:51:10,868 --> 00:51:15,036 It took me years to say to him, "Yeah, you're right, she does." 932 00:51:15,038 --> 00:51:19,174 And it wasn't because I was lying. 933 00:51:19,176 --> 00:51:21,909 I mean, I didn't see it, really. 934 00:51:21,911 --> 00:51:24,612 And then, maybe once I started seeing it, 935 00:51:24,614 --> 00:51:26,651 I chose to ignore it. 936 00:51:28,185 --> 00:51:32,020 But he would talk about it and... 937 00:51:32,022 --> 00:51:33,589 So when I finally got to the point 938 00:51:33,591 --> 00:51:36,190 that I had to be honest with myself, 939 00:51:36,192 --> 00:51:38,560 I couldn't deny it, 940 00:51:38,562 --> 00:51:40,862 I would say, "Robert is her father. 941 00:51:40,864 --> 00:51:43,464 Robert is her father, Robert is the person that raised her, 942 00:51:43,466 --> 00:51:46,902 Robert is the person that was there with her everyday. 943 00:51:46,904 --> 00:51:49,237 Robert is the person who attends school functions. 944 00:51:49,239 --> 00:51:51,075 Robert is her father." 945 00:51:53,509 --> 00:51:55,779 So why did you stay with daddy? 946 00:51:56,980 --> 00:51:58,946 The reason was, 947 00:51:58,948 --> 00:52:03,085 I had an extremely sexual relationship with Rodney, 948 00:52:03,087 --> 00:52:04,953 but there were things missing. 949 00:52:04,955 --> 00:52:06,621 - Like... - The fact is... 950 00:52:06,623 --> 00:52:10,958 That daddy was interesting, daddy was funny. 951 00:52:10,960 --> 00:52:13,527 Daddy was a person 952 00:52:13,529 --> 00:52:15,563 who made a decent amount of money. 953 00:52:15,565 --> 00:52:18,069 That's the reason I stayed with daddy. 954 00:52:21,105 --> 00:52:23,237 How much do you think the fact that Rodney 955 00:52:23,239 --> 00:52:27,009 was not a real option for you had to do with him being black? 956 00:52:27,011 --> 00:52:30,145 I think it had nothing to do with it whatsoever. 957 00:52:30,147 --> 00:52:32,513 Nothing? How can it have nothing to do with it? 958 00:52:32,515 --> 00:52:34,516 I don't know, you asked me this before. 959 00:52:34,518 --> 00:52:37,118 - Think about it! - I can't. 960 00:52:37,120 --> 00:52:39,221 You're asking me, I'm telling you the truth. 961 00:52:39,223 --> 00:52:43,692 It had nothing to do with it whatsoever. 962 00:52:43,694 --> 00:52:44,659 You know, the fact is, 963 00:52:44,661 --> 00:52:47,094 that whatever happened with you and daddy, 964 00:52:47,096 --> 00:52:49,230 and that inability to talk about things, 965 00:52:49,232 --> 00:52:51,299 that is what I carry on. 966 00:52:51,301 --> 00:52:54,136 So much of what I did was connected to who I was, 967 00:52:54,138 --> 00:52:55,703 and nobody talked about who I was. 968 00:52:55,705 --> 00:52:57,940 I can't talk to daddy about who I am. 969 00:52:57,942 --> 00:53:00,308 I can't talk to daddy about who I am until... 970 00:53:00,310 --> 00:53:02,611 You know, it's not like being black is everything. 971 00:53:02,613 --> 00:53:03,679 But it's part of who I am. 972 00:53:03,681 --> 00:53:06,714 And if I can't share all of who I am with him... 973 00:53:06,716 --> 00:53:08,716 And why can't I share all of who I am with him? 974 00:53:08,718 --> 00:53:10,152 Because you had an affair. 975 00:53:10,154 --> 00:53:11,987 Because nobody talks about everything. 976 00:53:11,989 --> 00:53:13,524 Because it was all secrets. 977 00:53:27,303 --> 00:53:30,371 I think your dad was in great agony. 978 00:53:30,373 --> 00:53:33,176 Some of which he shared with me, some of which he didn't. 979 00:53:34,310 --> 00:53:35,710 When you were 16, 980 00:53:35,712 --> 00:53:38,179 he said something to me that was very poignant. 981 00:53:38,181 --> 00:53:41,616 He said, "My whole life was a lie." 982 00:53:41,618 --> 00:53:44,018 He said, "I lived a lie." 983 00:53:44,020 --> 00:53:46,054 Right. 984 00:53:46,056 --> 00:53:49,290 I think, you know, your father saw you everyday 985 00:53:49,292 --> 00:53:51,726 as living proof 986 00:53:51,728 --> 00:53:55,098 that your mom had betrayed the marriage. 987 00:53:56,132 --> 00:54:00,002 He was this center of this huge secret 988 00:54:00,004 --> 00:54:03,004 that was circling around him. 989 00:54:03,006 --> 00:54:06,107 It was a big thing that happened to him. 990 00:54:06,109 --> 00:54:08,643 Maybe he was never able to separate 991 00:54:08,645 --> 00:54:12,583 that act happening to him from you. 992 00:54:17,620 --> 00:54:21,825 I know that there is something that was lost between us. 993 00:54:23,227 --> 00:54:24,725 When we each found out 994 00:54:24,727 --> 00:54:26,763 that I wasn't his biological child. 995 00:54:28,198 --> 00:54:29,799 How do I get past that? 996 00:54:38,642 --> 00:54:40,375 Good morning, Father. Give me a hug. 997 00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:58,762 Ain't that...? 998 00:55:01,098 --> 00:55:03,500 It's no secret that mommy had an affair. 999 00:55:04,835 --> 00:55:06,637 She ever tell you she did? 1000 00:55:10,473 --> 00:55:14,275 She never talked to me even about that. 1001 00:55:14,277 --> 00:55:16,078 And da-da-da-da... 1002 00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:17,411 And life goes on. 1003 00:55:17,413 --> 00:55:20,348 Our merry way of poor communication 1004 00:55:20,350 --> 00:55:22,920 and chaos and... 1005 00:55:24,288 --> 00:55:26,657 I mean, don't you think she should have told me? 1006 00:55:29,158 --> 00:55:31,393 Yeah. 1007 00:55:31,395 --> 00:55:35,763 But my question for you is, once you and mommy got divorced, 1008 00:55:35,765 --> 00:55:37,299 why did you never talk to me 1009 00:55:37,301 --> 00:55:39,234 about not being my biological father? 1010 00:55:39,236 --> 00:55:40,201 About what? 1011 00:55:40,203 --> 00:55:42,304 About not being my biological father. Why...? 1012 00:55:42,306 --> 00:55:45,306 Because it was mommy's business. 1013 00:55:45,308 --> 00:55:46,708 I didn't have a clue. 1014 00:55:46,710 --> 00:55:48,777 I would always tell people, 1015 00:55:48,779 --> 00:55:50,712 "Oh, yeah, my grandfather's Italian. 1016 00:55:50,714 --> 00:55:52,714 He passed his looks on to you." 1017 00:55:52,716 --> 00:55:54,783 And I believed it. 1018 00:55:54,785 --> 00:55:56,451 I didn't tell you because I didn't fucking know 1019 00:55:56,453 --> 00:55:59,221 until you turned 16. 1020 00:55:59,223 --> 00:56:02,457 Talk about betrayal. It's the ultimate. 1021 00:56:02,459 --> 00:56:05,296 Cheat on your husband. Okay, that's pretty bad. 1022 00:56:06,730 --> 00:56:08,196 Don't tell him that you're having 1023 00:56:08,198 --> 00:56:10,464 somebody else's child for 16 years? 1024 00:56:10,466 --> 00:56:12,167 Or forever for that matter. 1025 00:56:12,169 --> 00:56:14,870 She still hasn't told me but we all know. 1026 00:56:14,872 --> 00:56:17,241 Talk about the ultimate betrayal. 1027 00:56:19,243 --> 00:56:21,243 Talk about the ultimate betrayal. 1028 00:56:21,245 --> 00:56:22,746 Just think about that. 1029 00:56:27,884 --> 00:56:31,453 You had no idea how things were. 1030 00:56:31,455 --> 00:56:33,355 - You're right, I didn't. - Ahem. 1031 00:56:33,357 --> 00:56:35,255 You're right. 1032 00:56:35,257 --> 00:56:37,458 Maybe you and mommy had a relationship 1033 00:56:37,460 --> 00:56:40,295 where you didn't talk about things. 1034 00:56:40,297 --> 00:56:42,565 But I'm not that person. 1035 00:56:42,567 --> 00:56:46,500 And there is absolutely no question for either of us 1036 00:56:46,502 --> 00:56:48,203 who you are to me as my father 1037 00:56:48,205 --> 00:56:50,172 and who I am to you as your daughter. 1038 00:56:50,174 --> 00:56:52,908 I think it has been difficult for me 1039 00:56:52,910 --> 00:56:54,775 to acknowledge certain aspects of my life 1040 00:56:54,777 --> 00:56:57,846 because it implicated things that we didn't talk about. 1041 00:56:57,848 --> 00:57:01,516 And I have not shared with you 1042 00:57:01,518 --> 00:57:03,585 certain aspects of my life. 1043 00:57:03,587 --> 00:57:06,390 And, like, going forward, I want to change that. 1044 00:57:08,457 --> 00:57:09,924 Okay. Well, time will tell. 1045 00:57:09,926 --> 00:57:12,028 Let that play out. 1046 00:57:22,538 --> 00:57:24,940 After I finally talked to my father, 1047 00:57:24,942 --> 00:57:28,442 I realized, in my mind, I had this visual 1048 00:57:28,444 --> 00:57:30,444 that we were all going to heal together. 1049 00:57:30,446 --> 00:57:32,915 And we're all gonna move forward with our lives. 1050 00:57:37,421 --> 00:57:40,957 But in the end, I couldn't heal my parents. 1051 00:57:42,826 --> 00:57:44,592 I couldn't change what had happened to them. 1052 00:57:44,594 --> 00:57:48,330 I couldn't make them feel differently about it. 1053 00:57:48,332 --> 00:57:52,533 I needed to accept them for who they were. 1054 00:57:52,535 --> 00:57:55,905 Just like I wanted them to accept who I was. 1055 00:58:05,649 --> 00:58:07,449 Mom, you really wanna go through 1056 00:58:07,451 --> 00:58:08,549 all those boxes tonight? 1057 00:58:08,551 --> 00:58:10,484 We have a whole other box to do. 1058 00:58:10,486 --> 00:58:12,453 Yeah, maybe we should skip it. 1059 00:58:12,455 --> 00:58:14,589 Let's go. 1060 00:58:14,591 --> 00:58:16,393 Here are your engagement... 1061 00:58:18,995 --> 00:58:21,362 This is definitely daddy's handwriting. 1062 00:58:21,364 --> 00:58:23,297 Look at this. This is what he wrote. 1063 00:58:23,299 --> 00:58:25,866 "I never really read too carefully any card, 1064 00:58:25,868 --> 00:58:29,036 but this card says just what you mean to me. 1065 00:58:29,038 --> 00:58:31,940 I love you, Peggy Susan." 1066 00:58:31,942 --> 00:58:33,475 God, were daddy and I corny. 1067 00:58:33,477 --> 00:58:35,476 Or at least I was. 1068 00:58:35,478 --> 00:58:37,080 I loved daddy then. 1069 00:58:41,917 --> 00:58:44,685 - What is this? - This was my wedding dress. 1070 00:58:44,687 --> 00:58:46,388 Oh, my God. 1071 00:58:46,390 --> 00:58:49,357 That must have been my bouquet. 1072 00:58:50,493 --> 00:58:52,560 My God. Lacey, look. 1073 00:58:52,562 --> 00:58:54,562 This was our engagement announcement. 1074 00:58:54,564 --> 00:58:56,364 Because we got engaged on May 6. 1075 00:58:56,366 --> 00:58:58,402 I think we separated on May 8. 1076 00:59:03,506 --> 00:59:05,174 Whoa. Ha, ha. 1077 00:59:10,513 --> 00:59:13,948 If I could have done my life differently, 1078 00:59:13,950 --> 00:59:16,650 would I have had a committed marriage. 1079 00:59:16,652 --> 00:59:20,955 Yes, I would have taken care of my marriage or gotten out. 1080 00:59:20,957 --> 00:59:23,357 But if I had done that, I wouldn't have had you. 1081 00:59:23,359 --> 00:59:26,460 So there are a lot of things I would have done differently, 1082 00:59:26,462 --> 00:59:29,698 but in the end, not really. 1083 00:59:29,700 --> 00:59:31,433 But the dangerous thing is, 1084 00:59:31,435 --> 00:59:35,103 when you have a marriage that's troubled, 1085 00:59:35,105 --> 00:59:36,670 and you have somebody else, 1086 00:59:36,672 --> 00:59:38,573 you never take care of your problems 1087 00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:40,775 because you don't have to. 1088 00:59:40,777 --> 00:59:41,976 Because you can just ignore it and go about your business 1089 00:59:41,978 --> 00:59:45,746 and this other person will make you feel really wonderful. 1090 00:59:45,748 --> 00:59:49,551 But sometimes you do things that are just of the moment. 1091 00:59:49,553 --> 00:59:51,085 And you're not... 1092 00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:52,953 It's not like you're being hedonistic 1093 00:59:52,955 --> 00:59:55,422 or being mean or being horrible. 1094 00:59:55,424 --> 00:59:57,125 It's just at the moment 1095 00:59:57,127 --> 01:00:01,062 and you're not really aware 1096 01:00:01,064 --> 01:00:03,200 of the consequences. 1097 01:00:11,975 --> 01:00:15,710 But before I was your mother, I was a person. 1098 01:00:15,712 --> 01:00:18,482 And I was a girl, and I was a woman... 1099 01:00:19,982 --> 01:00:21,484 And I was me. 1100 01:00:22,652 --> 01:00:26,020 And I think that's the most honest explanation 1101 01:00:26,022 --> 01:00:27,524 I could give you. 1102 01:00:30,160 --> 01:00:32,830 But that's the truth. 1103 01:01:09,632 --> 01:01:12,065 That looks beautiful. 1104 01:01:12,067 --> 01:01:14,270 - Walk around here. - Over here. 1105 01:01:16,540 --> 01:01:18,440 I've spent the first half of my life 1106 01:01:18,442 --> 01:01:21,545 being defined by the world my parents have created for me. 1107 01:01:26,183 --> 01:01:27,181 In the second half, 1108 01:01:27,183 --> 01:01:30,219 I was defined by their secrets and lies. 1109 01:01:41,665 --> 01:01:43,600 But the truth is on the table now. 1110 01:01:46,669 --> 01:01:50,172 And I was ready to find my future for myself. 1111 01:02:00,116 --> 01:02:03,053 This is a celebration of love. 1112 01:02:05,187 --> 01:02:09,123 It's a celebration that brings two individuals 1113 01:02:09,125 --> 01:02:11,091 from different cultural experiences 1114 01:02:11,093 --> 01:02:12,694 and different religious experiences. 1115 01:02:12,696 --> 01:02:16,698 And so love allows them to come together 1116 01:02:16,700 --> 01:02:18,900 and fall in love with each other 1117 01:02:18,902 --> 01:02:21,835 and had transcended the external accidents 1118 01:02:21,837 --> 01:02:24,341 of race or color. 1119 01:02:28,578 --> 01:02:29,576 I put a lot of thought 1120 01:02:29,578 --> 01:02:31,948 into the issue of changing my last name. 1121 01:02:33,149 --> 01:02:35,917 As a kid I never really liked Schwartz. 1122 01:02:35,919 --> 01:02:39,989 But now, after everything, it seemed perfect for me. 1123 01:02:41,892 --> 01:02:46,029 A clearly Jewish name that literally means black. 1124 01:02:55,307 --> 01:03:00,307 Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com