♪ Can't explain all the ways that you're making me feel
♪ My heart's in overdrive
♪ And you're behind the steering wheel
♪ Touching you
♪ Touching me
♪ Touching you
♪ God, you're touching me
♪ I believe in a thing called love
♪ Just listen to the rhythm of my heart
♪ There's a chance we can make it now
♪ We'll be rockin' till the sun goes down
♪ I believe in a thing called love... ♪
So that's 27 bottles of lager, eight mini-bottles of Jack Daniel's,
16 chunky Kit-Kats and two rocket salads.
Call yourself a stag do?
Can I ask why you're holding that skull?
Cos if I put it down, I have to drink.
And I can't drink any more.
- SHE DINGS BELL - Neil?
VIOLENT RETCHING
Neil!
Neil?
MUFFLED RESPONSE
What?
I...have a, er... reservation.
Right. Yes.
There's a man standing there...
with his penis.
And there are several other men being sick in your plant pots.
Yeah.
OK, so that is all happening.
Sorry. It's only my first week. This never happened in Wrexham.
Right. What was the name?
Bartlett. Anna Bartlett.
Oh, we're not expecting anyone of that name.
Oh, er, maybe Williams. Bartlett's my maiden name.
I've been using that ever since my husband and I...
Williams is my married name,
so, you know, I am still actually married, officially.
So anyway, yes, Bartlett - that's me. Sorry - Williams!
OK. Would you like me to get Neil to take your luggage?
- Neil? - Yep.
Isn't he a little... out of commission?
Do excuse me.
BANGING AND YELPING
Neil will help you now.
Luggage?
All right, mate. Enjoy hanging out last night?
Very good, sir.
Oh, by the way, we've lost one. Luke, the best man.
Let him know we've gone if you find him, will you?
Shall we?
- Will you be paying by card? - Oh.
Oh!
Stag rules are stag rules.
- To think we're putting our lives in their hands! - Sorry?
Medical students. That lot downstairs.
Seven years' training just to find out
how to look something up on the bloody internet. Bunch of...!
No, we get a lot more stag dos in Stratford now.
Never used to be like that.
The worst behaviour you got in this place back in the day
were method actors rehearsing for Coriolanus.
Right.
Er...
I'm so embarrassed about my appearance earlier.
- It must have been quite a shock. - Sorry?
Earlier. Seeing me... in that state.
Oh, yes. Yes, it was. Quite a shock. Don't be embarrassed.
You must have been traumatised.
Amazing how small... things get under pressure, isn't it?
I remember my husband... Well, he was my fiance at the time.
We were on holiday in Miami and we wandered into a dangerous area.
We got mugged at knifepoint by these men.
When we got back to the hotel and he undressed,
I remembered looking down and saying,
- "Blimey! I don't remember them taking your..." - This is your room.
So, er, this is it.
Rumour has it William Shakespeare himself slept in that very bed.
He didn't, obviously. It's from DFS. But...
There's an en-suite bathroom over there, views of the gardens
and of course, a complimentary bottle of champagne.
Yeah. Yeah, I remember.
So if there's anything else you want...
It's been nearly ten years.
Has it really?
Wow!
Since what?
We spent our honeymoon here.
Oh, I see. It's a nostalgic weekend. Lovely!
But if you have all you need, I'll, er...
All I need?
Yes.
Oh, I had that and then I threw it all away, I'm afraid.
It's our tenth wedding anniversary.
We thought it would be romantic to come back
and spend it in our honeymoon suite. And then I went and...
I thought... well, it's paid for. Might as well come.
It's all right. Won't be on my own.
I've got someone coming for lunch.
Ah, well, that's something then, I suppose.
Oh, God, we make a right pair, don't we?
Me with my...
and you with your...
Anything else you need, just...
I won't hesitate.
Sorry about your penis.
Brilliant.
PHONE RINGS
Mum?
Where are you?
All right.
Is that a real ten minutes or your ten minutes?
No, I haven't heard from him.
He made it very clear that the marriage is over.
I know what I did, Mum.
I'm not a sex addict.
Well, how big is this traffic jam?
Dear God, I don't know if I want him back.
I'm not... I'm not protecting myself. I...
All right, all right. Yes, I do want him back, OK,
but he isn't coming back, all right?
He has moved on, which means my life is fucked.
Yes, I do swear now and occasionally I smoke!
No, I don't know what I'm going to do.
But I do know I have a massive headache.
No, I know it wouldn't be as bad as yours, Mum.
I know the traffic's bad, Mum.
It's just I cannot be alone in this bloody room any longer!
Please just hurry up.
They lost one, then.
Yeah, I know. I heard.
- The man with the breath? - The breath?
Yeah. He had breath like Tarzan.
He said they lost the best man.
Hang on, hang on. Tarzan's got bad breath?
Course he does. He lives in a jungle.
Yeah, I don't see how that would...
Well, have you ever seen him clean his teeth?
No, but I've haven't seen you clean yours.
Are you saying I've got bad breath?
No, quite the opposite, which clearly makes a case for Tarzan.
- You're very hung-up on this Tarzan thing. - You brought him up.
You're the one banging on about the King of the Apes. You're obsessed.
Oh, dear God.
What?
We've double-booked the honeymoon suite.
Leave it to me.
I might need a hand.
Hello, I've got a reservation in the honeymoon suite.
Oh, well, go on up then, sir.
Is there a key?
DOOR CLICKS
At bloody last!
John?
What the hell are you doing here?
Well?
- I'm meeting my mother. - Oh, please!
John, why are you here?
For very different reasons to you, it would seem.
I don't understand.
Well, let me explain. Because it cost Ј330.
I didn't think it should sit empty
just because you screwed up our marriage.
The price turned out to be exclusive of VAT,
by the way, which is galling.
How've you been?
Where is he?
Who?
The boy that you planned on sleeping with on our wedding anniversary.
Oh, you are an idiot!
No shit!
The day I said "I do" made that clear.
God, that was the first thing I saw when I woke up as a married man.
Well, not quite.
The first thing you saw when you woke up was my...
You expect me to believe that you're waiting for your mother?
I don't care what you believe,
cos you're gonna see her in a minute when she walks through door.
Oh, well, let's see then, shall we? It'll be a joy to see her.
That would be a first.
- I think she's sweet. - You think my mother's sweet? - Yes.
Wow, I never thought I'd hear you say that.
I never thought you'd shag a ten-year-old.
Jesus, he was 21!
Nearly.
What was I thinking?
Well, you were a bit somewhere else yesterday, weren't you?
- Somewhere else? - Yeah. Somewhere else in your head.
Somewhere else in me head? What you talking about?
Are you some kind of shrink?
***
Oh, right. And what did you observe last night
when they were sticking you in a plaster cast
and unleashing your...?
Brilliant - are we on that again? Can we move on?
Will this work?
Of course it will. I've been doing this for years.
What - in your head?
Step ladder.
Come on.
So what are we gonna do?
Well, you left me, not the other way round.
I meant about the room.
Can't both stay in it.
Look, whi...
Look, while we're both here, we could... you know.
You want to have sex?
I want to talk! What is wrong with everyone?
- What would we talk about? - Us.
Us? You weren't thinking about us when you...
How do you know that?
Oh, so you were thinking about me while you were...
No, no, that would be insane.
- I'd forgive you. - Sorry?
- If you slept with someone else. - But I haven't.
No, I know. I'm just saying, if you have,
I would forgive you. OK? If you have. Look,
I understand. One mistake in ten years is not that bad.
I'm sure it's not if you're the one who's made it.
- Look, all I'm saying is I forgive you. - For what?
Look, the point is, whether you have shagged someone or not,
I would forgive you so you could forgi...
So you forgiving me for something that I haven't done
means that I should forgive you for something you actually have,
namely, shagging a 17-year-old boy.
He was...
...older than that!
What the hell?
I've often wondered why it's the honeymoon suite
that gets the broken stuff.
I wouldn't know. We didn't have one in Wrexham.
Not a big call for it.
It was mainly travelling salesman - the adult channel and wet wipes.
So can we get away with this without them knowing?
Relax. I'm like an ninja.
Ssh!
- I so owe you for this. - I think it's too much pressure on.
- On what? - On being married.
The build-up, the expense... It can only disappoint.
It's like when you're a kid - you can't wait for Christmas to come.
Weeks and weeks of anticipation
and when it finally does come, what is it?
A mixture of over-priced plastic and flatulence.
Oh, does that mean you don't want to get married?
I think it's unnatural.
Sure, it sounds good on paper, but in reality...
Mmm. Maybe you're right.
My mum and dad have been together for 50 years,
barely spoke for 30 of them. - Exactly.
- When they do speak, it's just to fight. - You see?
My mum thinks my dad's a liar and a drunk.
Right.
And my dad thinks my mum's a dirty slag
cos she slept with Uncle Bert. Among others.
Among other what?
Family members. Mostly distant.
Jesus!
And she's never really forgiven him for punching the vicar
at their wedding cos he was looking at her tits.
Right.
OK. Now... the swap.
- Why did you do that? - You did it first.
What are you, 12?
Why? Would you fancy me if I said yes?
- Yes, because I'm a paedophile! - You think so? No!
- Was he the only one? - Oh, God, do you know what?
Why don't you wait and ask my mum, all right?
You can work it out between you.
In fact, if she's so sweet, why don't you sleep with her?
I don't fancy your mum. Not since she put the weight on.
- You didn't answer. - No. Nor am I going to.
So he wasn't the only one. Were they all young boys?
- For goodness sake! - What are you - some sort of teen obsessive?
- Do you enjoy being a MILF? - A what?
Or are you a cougar? Like in that show Cougar Town.
- Jesus, how many porn categories are there? - Were they all young men?
Look, we had this out when you left.
I slept with one young guy. All right, he was very...
You were away, we hadn't had sex in nearly a year
and he wanted to sleep with me and I thought, why not?
All right, I miss it, John. I like sex. Is that so bad?
So do I.
Hmm. I think you preferred Newsnight.
That was only weekdays.
Now then... how do you like that?
Sorry?
- Oh, I wasn't looking at your, er... - My what?
God, my boyfriend would kill me if he thought I was looking at...
Boyfriend?
Kind of.
Don't tell him, then. Not that you WERE looking, obviously.
- Were you looking? - I couldn't tell him if I wanted to.
- Why? - He's had some kind of spiritual crisis.
Gone away for a while, to find himself.
- Where? - Barbados.
Bar... Bar...
I can't believe you saw my...
You'll have to clean it.
Sorry?
The Verona suite. It not due to be used till tomorrow.
Hello?
Argh!
Look, I'm sorry I did what I did.
Did you really only come here because of the money?
Wasn't there a tiny part of you that hoped I'd be here?
You know that I've always...
desired you.
Oh, don't be weird. That sounds weird.
Because I'm a grown-up?
- Because it's weird. - Jesus, I just thought...
Wait.
Oh, what the hell?
- A re you sure you want me back? - Yes. - And not just for the kids?
Cos me and the kids are doing pretty well
with the whole weekend access thing.
No, for me. For me. I want us to be together again.
- No more sex with young men? - No, of course not.
Or anyone.
Just wait a minute. Wait.
Of course a part of me was hoping you'd be here.
I want you back.
I want to show you what you've been missing.
Oh, thank you, God!
Why, what's he done?
What? Who the hell are you?
Who the hell are you?
Sorry, I must have... What day is it?
Oh, Christ. Oh, Christ, you must be the bloody best man.
Yeah.
Oh, God! You must be from Cougar Town.
Oh, I really must watch this show.
- Not the show. The agency. - Sorry? - OK.
Just so you know, I told the boys
that I have never had sex with a...
you know?
- Woman? - Prostitute.
Prostitute? You think I'm a prostitute?
Oh. Sorry, escort. Sorry. Love that word.
Makes us both feel so much better about this.
OK, this isn't happening.
Yeah. I think I'll probably deal with it that way as well.
I'm gonna... I'm just gonna tell my husband.
I'm just gonna tell my husband that you're here.
I mean, he's gonna understand that, isn't he?
That is just... I mean, that is what I'm gonna do.
OK. Sorry? Is this a scenario? Did they pay for a scenario?
No, this isn't a scenario - this is serious.
So keep your bloody voice down.
Whatever you say, madam.
Anna, are you coming out?
Er, sorry... Is your husband a man?
Of course he's a bloody man.
Anna?
OK. It's just that I'd assumed that it would be two women.
I mean, I'm not against it per se... Just that...
Oh, Jesus, I can't tell him.
I mean, he already thinks I've got a thing about..
So he's not gonna believe this, is he?
Oh, shit, we're out of pills.
Not that it matters. You know, I'm still feeling pretty loved-up
from the ones I've already had. Love E!
What do you mean by E - ecstasy?
- Yeah. D'you know it? - Why are you taking ecstasy?
Why am I tak...? Cos I'm nervous.
Because you've never had sex with a prostitute.
- Which, by the way, I'm not. - Yeah, I know. I get it. Escort.
Where is the bastard thing?!
Anna?
Yes, I won't be long - just getting ready.
Well, don't be too long.
Sorry. Just to clarify, what exactly will your husband be doing?
Life, if he finds you.
Er, all right. I'll just be two minutes.
I'll be here.
- PHONE RINGS - Reception.
Hello. It's Anna Williams in the honeymoon suite.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Williams. Is everything OK? I heard the smash.
Yes, I'm sorry. I will clear up the glass.
Look, we have something of an emergency here.
Er, I found your best man.
He was in my bath.
So, I need to come...
Er, no, YOU need you to come and get... and get him out.
Why did the cleaners not see him?
I don't know, do I? Maybe they're blind.
You know, that would be funny, wouldn't it?
I say, I say, I say, my cleaner's blind!
Really, how does she smell? Is that a joke?
Oh! Oh, God.
- Mrs Williams? Mrs Williams, are you OK? - Yes. Yes.
- Is he with you now? - He's in his pants.
Almost.
Mrs Williams? Hello?
Come on, Neil. Pick up, man.
PHONE RINGS
How can I help you?
We have booking in honeymoon suite.
***
Honeymoon suite. Right. You must be, er...
Mr and Mrs Wilson?
If you like.
Sorry. I thought you would be a man and a woman.
Do you have problem with us both being women?
Women.
No. No, of course not.
I think it's amazing.
Let me show you to your room.
I need water.
It's on the first floor. We'll sort all the details out later.
Later.
Oh, the cleaner might still be up in the...
You must be Lukey.
I've... never been this Lukey.
Argh!
OK, this is what is happening.
My husband thinks I have a thing about young...
And if he sees you in here, he won't believe I don't.
Which I don't. It was just one...
You... are... so...
and...
- But... - I know.
I couldn't have asked for a better gift.
I mean, this makes the whole best man speech worth sweating over.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Argh!
Hit me again.
What?
Unless... That's not extra, is it? Cos we are students.
OK. No, I can't deal with this.
I'm just gonna come clean, all right. What ever happens... happens.
Want to be reminded what a grown-up looks like?
Oh, OK. That was a bad plan.
Anna.
Anna, are you alone in there?
Of course! You big...
I mean, who would I...? God, you're so suspicious!
PHONE RINGS Hey, can you just stop that now?!
Reception.
Hello. Yes, it's me again. Honeymoon suite. New plan.
- You can't come in. - What?
I'm gonna get him out into the corridor, so you grab him there.
- Anna? - Yeah!
What? What are you doing?!
That's my fish!
You're joking!
What's...?
Look,
that man out there really is my husband.
Oh, I see.
So the scenario is that I'm playing the other man
and he's playing the cuckold.
Brilliant. A proper illicit shag. You're good.
No! Listen...
Yes.
Perfect.
Look, I don't know what's going on in there, but
do you want to make love or not?
So... shall we start?
On your knees.
Amazing!
Now, listen to me. I am your mistress of domination.
Brilliant!
When I go out into that room, I want you to crawl out,
along the back wall, right up to the door
and then I need you to open the door and crawl outside.
- Do you hear me? - Why?
The scenario.
Oh, yeah, I hear you. And then what?
Then you can do anything you want.
- Anything I want? - Yes. - OK.
You just be a good boy. Do as I say.
You won't regret it.
- Neither will I. I hope. - So I'm a...
And for any of this to work,
you mustn't say anything.
I'm a bad boy.
Yes, you are!
But now you have to be a good one.
I'm a bad one.
But I need you to be a good one.
But I'm a bad one.
Total silence.
- Do you understand? - Yes.
- Ah, not you. - What?
Oh. Make love to me, John. Make love to me now!
- In the bathroom. - What?
- No, terrible idea. - What?
It's a terrible idea. Oh, let's just...
Let's just do what we did on our honeymoon.
Caravanning on the Gower Peninsula?
- This. - Oh, this I like!
Oh!
- What are you waiting for? - You are so right!
- Oh, God, I need you. - I need you too.
No, I kneed you. I kneed you with my knee.
Oh, just get on with it.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I was looking for...
Do you know what? Good for you.
I think it's brilliant what you lesb... er, people do.
I really do. I mean, it's not for me, but...
Why don't I leave you to it?
Oh, thank God!
I'm so sorry - this is the man I was looking for.
Come on! We've got to go and get the lost best man.
Come on.
Sorry. Come on!
I'm so sorry. What is it with men and lesbians?
Get your clothes on and come on!
Girl Power!
- Crazy woman. - Da! - Da. - Da.
You're not Mr and Mrs Wilson, are you?
We are... whoever you want us to be.
Your friends booked us.
You go nowhere!
Hey!
Hang on. This isn't what we did on our honeymoon.
What?
I blindfolded you. Much more fun.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, you've got an amazing memory.
There are some things I am trying to forget.
Oh, I've missed you so much.
This is one of the craziest days of my life.
I know what you mean.
- I'm starting again. - Yeah.
I haven't felt like this since Ludlow.
Are you gonna get on with it or make speeches?
Not another peep!
Right, I promise you I will find Luke for you right now.
Come on, quick.
OK. I was in my pants because the shower soaked my clothes.
- Yeah, OK. - No, really!
If you want to clean in your underwear, Neil,
you clean in your underwear... - No, what happened...
Relax. It was a... it was a treat for all of us.
Oh, for goodness sake, open the door.
Wait. She said she'd get him out here.
- Well, she hasn't. - Right. OK.
- Go on then. - Go on then what?
- Go on then, get him! - With what?
Use this. You seem to like being in your pants.
Been working out?
Yeah, I've being doing a little bit of running.
What - to the chippy and back?
No, I walk back cos I don't want to drop the chips.
John?
John, what are you waiting for?
- I said that's not him. - What?
I don't understand. What?
- So you are not Luke either? - Who?
I'm so sorry. There's been a terrible misunderstanding.
- Yeah, clearly. Who's Luke? - He's the best man. - What?
How do Mr and Mrs Wilson know the best man?
This isn't Mr and Mrs Wilson. These ladies are prostitutes.
ALL: Prostitutes?!
- Escorts. - Prostitutes.
Right. OK, well, if you'll excuse me,
I was in the middle of something rather wonderful.
Ladies.
So where the hell is Luke?
You have two minutes to get out of this hotel, right?
We can't have hookers wandering around the place in my first week.
It took at least a month for that in Wrexham.
Oh, and for God's sake, put some clothes on.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, John!
John.
Oh, John! That is... good.
I thought you'd gone.
Don't stop. You can tell me later.
Oh, that... that really is... very... fast.
Oh, God, I've missed you.
Oh, I was such a fool.
I swear on my life it will never happen again.
Oh...!
You are the best
I've ever had.
Ever, ever had.
Oh, John. Oh, John, slow down!
No, don't slow down...
Speed up.
Oh, yeah, right there.
Oh... Oh...
Oh, yeah, that's it! Oh, ***.
Oh, don't stop!
Oh.
I'm coming, sausage. The bloody idiots locked me out.
They thought that I was a 21-year-old.
Any idea why they'd think that you had one of those in your room?
Is this OK?
You? How did you...?
I thought you'd gone.
Yeah, I was about to, but it felt more fun to hide in that thing.
I was just riffing. You know, you said I could do anything.
With the husband gone, the affair continues. I LOVE this game!
- Anna, what's the hold-up? - I'm just...
Sorry, should I stop?
I'm just trying to untie myself.
You tied me up, remember?
Oh, God, of course. I'll get a key.
No, wait. Don't!
I won't be a minute.
As you were.
And, er... hurry.
It feels like a sort of metaphor.
A door between us that neither of us can open.
I feel so close to you right now.
I know you did what you did,
but the truth is, it wouldn't be fair if I didn't tell you this.
I slept with someone too. I slept with Amy from work.
What - Ample Amy?!
Just the once.
You lying...
And twice in the morning.
...hypocritical...
You said you'd forgive me.
Oh!
Dear God!
Anna? What do you say?
Okay, Okay, Okay, I understand your situation
and I'm sorry you're not getting laid... paid,
but unfortunately for you, there is no Luke, so please follow me.
We don't see Luke, we don't get paid. Shame!
Can you just let me into my bloody room?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This is just getting better and better. Was I any good?
The best. But you need to shut up now,
because if you say another bloody word,
my husband will leave me... again!
Really? I love this scenario.
I mean, great touch from him about sleeping with Ample Amy.
What are you doing?
- Can we just go? - Leave?
Where is Luke? Where?
I am so sorry.
Look, I must insist the pair of you leave. I will not ask again!
We go nowhere till we see Luke.
Luke!
Now, we can do this the nice way or we can do it the nasty way.
Yes, good idea.
What did she say?
Look, we are not leaving here until we are paid!
Oh, let's go down...
Anna? Do you know anything about this Luke?
Pfff.
No.
Wait. John... Is that Luke?
Wait. John, wait. John, it's not what you think.
- Oh, it's not? - No, trust me, John. It's really not what you think.
- Er, What happens next? - What happens next?!
- I beat you to death. - John, stop it!
Right, do I hit him back? No offence, but I think I preferred the scenario
when I was just sleeping with your wife.
- Do your worst, you little shit! - Oh, John, stop it! John!
- Do something! - Get off! Get off!
No sex, no money.
How could you sleep with Ample Amy?
Coo-ee! I'm here.
Oh, what a journey! It's mayhem out there.
Mum.
♪ I believe in a thing called love
♪ Listen to the rhythm of my heart There's a chance we can make it now
♪ We'll be rockin' till the sun goes down
♪ I believe in a thing called love, love, love... ♪
Oh, John!
JOHN!
Amy!
WHAT?!