1 00:00:02,274 --> 00:00:03,434 Barney, check it, 2 00:00:03,709 --> 00:00:07,440 three blond babies drinking bad decision juice at 8 o'clock. 3 00:00:08,581 --> 00:00:10,071 Nice rack radar. 4 00:00:10,483 --> 00:00:13,077 - That's my wife. - No, I got to get going. 5 00:00:13,319 --> 00:00:15,947 Seriously? But they're blond and drunk. 6 00:00:16,055 --> 00:00:17,215 Isn't that your type? 7 00:00:17,556 --> 00:00:20,286 Maybe I don't have a type, Lily. 8 00:00:20,626 --> 00:00:24,926 God, do you think the male mind is really that simplistic, 9 00:00:25,030 --> 00:00:28,659 that we all have one favorite type? Jeez. 10 00:00:28,801 --> 00:00:30,234 Asian with some boob. 11 00:00:30,603 --> 00:00:33,003 I'm gonna hit the bathroom, then bail. 12 00:00:33,606 --> 00:00:36,575 Okay, have you guys noticed Barney's been acting weird lately? 13 00:00:36,742 --> 00:00:37,767 Actually, yes. 14 00:00:37,944 --> 00:00:39,935 You know how Barney always says never buy a girl flowers, 15 00:00:40,046 --> 00:00:42,071 because giving her a living thing reminds her of babies? 16 00:00:42,215 --> 00:00:44,445 - Sure. - Well, the other day, 17 00:00:44,784 --> 00:00:47,878 I saw him at that flower shop on 82nd buying roses. 18 00:00:48,088 --> 00:00:49,646 - What? - Wait, now that you mention it, 19 00:00:49,756 --> 00:00:52,486 Barney did do something kind of odd at the office yesterday. 20 00:00:53,093 --> 00:00:54,651 Okay, see you Saturday. 21 00:00:54,828 --> 00:00:57,626 I'm thinking brunch, farmer's market, maybe a hike. 22 00:00:57,964 --> 00:01:00,159 I love you, too. Bye. 23 00:01:01,968 --> 00:01:05,096 I figured he was just talking to some girl he was trying to nail. 24 00:01:05,272 --> 00:01:07,172 Or Ted, but now I don't know. 25 00:01:07,807 --> 00:01:12,574 Wait, do you think it's possible that Barney Stinson has a girlfriend? 26 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:14,669 Later. 27 00:01:14,781 --> 00:01:16,874 Wait, Barney, hold on. Where are you going? 28 00:01:17,083 --> 00:01:18,175 Nowhere. 29 00:01:18,618 --> 00:01:20,779 The beach. It's winter. Laser tag. 30 00:01:20,887 --> 00:01:23,048 Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere. 31 00:01:24,824 --> 00:01:27,554 Oh, my God. He's meeting her right now. 32 00:01:31,598 --> 00:01:33,498 - Where is Barney going? - Yeah. 33 00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,362 We're not even in Manhattan anymore. 34 00:01:35,635 --> 00:01:36,795 Where's this girl live? 35 00:01:36,903 --> 00:01:40,236 We're talking about a woman who's actually gotten Barney Stinson to commit. 36 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:41,907 I'm guessing Narnia. 37 00:01:42,676 --> 00:01:43,802 Oh, oh, he's stopping. 38 00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:59,054 - What the hell are you guys doing here? - Where is she? 39 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,787 - Who? - Your girlfriend. 40 00:02:00,895 --> 00:02:02,920 Oh, hello. 41 00:02:03,731 --> 00:02:06,325 Wow, you really don't have a type, do you? 44 00:02:14,942 --> 00:02:17,376 - My mom. - It's so nice to meet you. 45 00:02:17,578 --> 00:02:19,546 I feel like I already know you all. 46 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,440 Barney goes on and on about you every day when we talk. 47 00:02:22,550 --> 00:02:25,314 Aw! You call your mom every day? 48 00:02:25,519 --> 00:02:27,487 No. Mom! 49 00:02:28,789 --> 00:02:31,314 So that's what you were being all secretive about? 50 00:02:31,425 --> 00:02:34,792 You didn't want us to know you're a big old mama's boy. 51 00:02:35,229 --> 00:02:38,221 Yep, you got me. Well, guess you guys can leave. 52 00:02:38,332 --> 00:02:39,299 Oh! 53 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,324 - Hello. - Hi. 54 00:02:42,269 --> 00:02:44,601 Barney, who are all these people? 55 00:02:45,706 --> 00:02:49,198 Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin, I'd like you to meet Betty, 56 00:02:49,944 --> 00:02:51,138 my wife. 57 00:02:53,614 --> 00:02:55,309 And my son Tyler. 58 00:03:13,635 --> 00:03:16,763 Betty and I are gonna get dinner ready. There'll be plenty for everyone. 59 00:03:17,005 --> 00:03:18,199 But remember, you, 60 00:03:18,306 --> 00:03:21,002 only one helping of meatloaf after what Dr. Grossbard said 61 00:03:21,109 --> 00:03:23,737 - about your cholesterol. - This one wants me to live forever. 62 00:03:23,845 --> 00:03:24,937 Guilty. 63 00:03:25,814 --> 00:03:27,179 - I love you. - I love you, too. 64 00:03:27,282 --> 00:03:30,115 - I love you three! - Get out of here, you little scamp! 65 00:03:32,854 --> 00:03:35,721 - So, I'll see you guys back at the bar? - What the hell, Barney? 66 00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:38,315 Okay, it's a long story. 67 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,622 As you know, my father had to leave my mom 68 00:03:41,730 --> 00:03:44,995 when I was a baby because he got hired as the host of The Price Is Right. 69 00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:47,758 - It was a very good show. - Bob Barker is your father. 70 00:03:47,869 --> 00:03:51,896 She had to raise my brother and me by herself. 71 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,941 And her only wish was for her sons 72 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,635 not to wind up alone, like she was. 73 00:03:58,313 --> 00:04:00,838 Then about seven years ago, she got really sick. 74 00:04:01,483 --> 00:04:04,043 It looked like she wasn't going to make it. 75 00:04:04,252 --> 00:04:07,313 So I decided to make her wish come true. 76 00:04:07,657 --> 00:04:09,921 Mom, this is Betty. 77 00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:11,718 We're engaged. 78 00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:16,026 I hired an actress to play my fiancée "Betty. " 79 00:04:16,766 --> 00:04:17,994 Her real name's Margaret. 80 00:04:18,101 --> 00:04:20,592 She mostly does off-Broadway theater. Wonderful actress. 81 00:04:20,703 --> 00:04:22,466 This close to a Tony. It's all who you know. 82 00:04:22,572 --> 00:04:24,506 It's very political. I shouldn't get into it. 83 00:04:24,607 --> 00:04:26,575 But there's one problem. 84 00:04:26,909 --> 00:04:29,878 Betty has a slight tendency to go off-book. 85 00:04:30,379 --> 00:04:33,007 You see, Mom? I found someone who makes me happy. 86 00:04:33,349 --> 00:04:36,182 - Just like you wanted. - That's wonderful. 87 00:04:37,086 --> 00:04:40,715 I just wish I could've stuck around long enough for grandchildren. 88 00:04:41,858 --> 00:04:43,018 I'm pregnant! 89 00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:49,757 And then my mom got better. 90 00:04:50,299 --> 00:04:53,598 Which was miraculous. But it meant that I had to keep "Betty" 91 00:04:53,770 --> 00:04:57,069 around and cast a kid to play my son Tyler. 92 00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,835 This is crazy. You actually cast your own son? 93 00:05:01,077 --> 00:05:02,066 Well, for a while, 94 00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:04,840 I got by borrowing/babysitting my neighbor's baby. 95 00:05:05,281 --> 00:05:08,250 Then this one Christmas, when my mom was plowed on eggnog, 96 00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:10,911 I got away with a bag of flour and a Chucky mask. 97 00:05:11,587 --> 00:05:14,488 But eventually I had to hold auditions. 98 00:05:15,591 --> 00:05:17,958 4, 8, 99 00:05:18,962 --> 00:05:22,193 13, you can stay. The rest of you may go. 100 00:05:24,601 --> 00:05:27,365 You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part. 101 00:05:27,738 --> 00:05:30,229 Well, apparently I'm a better actor than your kid. 102 00:05:30,340 --> 00:05:32,308 Bring in the 11:00's! 103 00:05:33,010 --> 00:05:36,571 And that's how the role of Tyler eventually went to 104 00:05:37,281 --> 00:05:38,441 Grant. 105 00:05:39,883 --> 00:05:42,613 - Come on, Grant seems pretty good. - You think so? 106 00:05:43,287 --> 00:05:45,118 Watch this. Hey, Tyler. 107 00:05:46,890 --> 00:05:50,382 Tyler. Tyler. 108 00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:54,060 - Grant. - Yeah? 109 00:05:55,432 --> 00:05:57,559 See? It's like amateur hour over here. 110 00:05:58,035 --> 00:06:01,937 Call me crazy, but child actors were way better back in the '80s. 111 00:06:05,642 --> 00:06:07,371 Well, Barney, it looks like your mom kept 112 00:06:07,477 --> 00:06:09,911 your childhood bedroom just the way you left it. 113 00:06:10,013 --> 00:06:12,982 Yeah, that sure is a big poster of The Karate Kid above your bed. 114 00:06:13,083 --> 00:06:15,017 Hey, The Karate Kid is a great movie. 115 00:06:15,152 --> 00:06:19,384 It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie 116 00:06:19,489 --> 00:06:22,390 take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship. 117 00:06:22,659 --> 00:06:25,958 Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid, 118 00:06:26,597 --> 00:06:30,090 but he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat. 119 00:06:30,535 --> 00:06:33,527 Wait. When you watch The Karate Kid, 120 00:06:33,671 --> 00:06:36,265 you actually root for that mean blond boy? 121 00:06:36,407 --> 00:06:39,899 No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey 122 00:06:40,011 --> 00:06:41,979 who barely even knows karate. 123 00:06:42,146 --> 00:06:46,048 When I watch The Karate Kid, I root for the karate kid, 124 00:06:46,150 --> 00:06:48,448 Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai dojo. 125 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,979 Get your head out of your ass, Lily. 126 00:06:53,591 --> 00:06:56,583 Okay, I just figured out where I know you from. 127 00:06:57,228 --> 00:06:59,719 I saw you perform at the Disorientation Theater 128 00:06:59,831 --> 00:07:04,234 in Bertolt Brecht's Die heilige Johanna der Schlachthöfe last fall. 129 00:07:05,236 --> 00:07:07,227 You were a revelation! 130 00:07:08,072 --> 00:07:09,096 - Really? - Yeah. 131 00:07:09,207 --> 00:07:10,640 Oh, thanks. 132 00:07:10,742 --> 00:07:13,836 I wasn't sure. I mean, the point of Brecht's work, of course, is to 133 00:07:13,945 --> 00:07:16,277 - alienate the audience. - Alienate the audience. Sure. 134 00:07:16,381 --> 00:07:19,578 Sorry. Brecht-o-phile right here! 135 00:07:20,018 --> 00:07:22,987 Wow, you really know your theater. 136 00:07:23,421 --> 00:07:26,822 Lady Theater grabbed my heart early on and she never let go. 137 00:07:27,492 --> 00:07:28,459 Every year at Christmas, 138 00:07:28,559 --> 00:07:31,460 I'd put on a little play for the parents with all the other kids. 139 00:07:32,130 --> 00:07:35,657 Gee whiz, Santa, do you think we can take off in this kind of snow? 140 00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:39,329 Cut! Cut! Cut! Ricky! 141 00:07:39,438 --> 00:07:41,133 Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be here in half an hour, 142 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,174 and you're still butchering my words. 143 00:07:43,609 --> 00:07:46,271 Looks like I'm gonna have to write, direct and star in this thing. 144 00:07:46,412 --> 00:07:48,380 Give me your elf hat. Go sit. 145 00:07:49,248 --> 00:07:51,648 I always secretly wanted to be an actor. 146 00:07:51,750 --> 00:07:54,344 It's one of those life dreams that just slipped away, I guess. 147 00:07:54,453 --> 00:07:57,251 Listen, if you want, I could give you some tips on acting. 148 00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:59,380 - Really? Oh! - I'd love to. 149 00:07:59,491 --> 00:08:03,723 Okay, acting rule number one, don't be afraid to... 150 00:08:03,829 --> 00:08:06,297 At least someone's still excited about acting. 151 00:08:06,865 --> 00:08:08,025 I miss that. 152 00:08:08,667 --> 00:08:10,464 So, you don't like playing Barney's son? 153 00:08:10,569 --> 00:08:12,935 I hate it. But what can I do? 154 00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:16,067 - The phone just ain't ringing. - Yeah, I know what you mean. 155 00:08:16,208 --> 00:08:17,607 I'm a newscaster. 156 00:08:17,743 --> 00:08:20,234 But I just had to take a job hosting a local morning show 157 00:08:20,346 --> 00:08:22,746 that airs at 4:30 in the morning. 158 00:08:23,882 --> 00:08:27,010 I just thought I'd be so much further along by this point, you know? 159 00:08:27,186 --> 00:08:28,380 I'm almost 30. 160 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,715 Come on, you still look great. 161 00:08:31,523 --> 00:08:33,013 I love your nose job. 162 00:08:33,759 --> 00:08:35,283 I never had a nose job. 163 00:08:35,627 --> 00:08:38,596 Right. Me neither. 164 00:08:40,766 --> 00:08:43,291 I can't believe we haven't met you before. 165 00:08:43,402 --> 00:08:45,563 Who knew Barney had such a great mom? 166 00:08:45,671 --> 00:08:46,968 Thanks, dear. 167 00:08:47,273 --> 00:08:50,709 Truth is, I wasn't always the best mother when I was younger. 168 00:08:50,810 --> 00:08:54,007 Oh, don't say that. I'm sure you were great. 169 00:08:54,180 --> 00:08:56,045 Yeah, I was a bit of a whore. 170 00:08:56,616 --> 00:08:57,913 Excuse me? 171 00:08:58,018 --> 00:09:00,680 A whore, dear. A dirty whore. 172 00:09:01,855 --> 00:09:03,288 I'm not proud of it. 173 00:09:03,923 --> 00:09:07,222 But still I had some fun. 174 00:09:08,261 --> 00:09:10,126 There is no thrill equal 175 00:09:10,230 --> 00:09:13,324 to looking into some guy's eyes and thinking, 176 00:09:13,433 --> 00:09:15,799 "I don't know your name, you don't know mine, 177 00:09:15,902 --> 00:09:18,837 "but for the next eight minutes, 178 00:09:18,938 --> 00:09:21,099 "we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom 179 00:09:21,207 --> 00:09:23,300 "right off its foundation. 180 00:09:24,411 --> 00:09:27,539 "And then just drive off in opposite directions. 181 00:09:30,216 --> 00:09:32,081 "Just keep driving. " 182 00:09:34,621 --> 00:09:35,645 Barney's mom? 183 00:09:35,789 --> 00:09:36,949 - Loretta. - Loretta. 184 00:09:37,057 --> 00:09:38,024 Oh! 185 00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:41,719 Anyway, that's all in the past now. 186 00:09:41,928 --> 00:09:43,361 I did the best I could, 187 00:09:43,463 --> 00:09:48,730 but sometimes I wonder how Barney turned out to be so perfect. 188 00:09:50,170 --> 00:09:52,070 You have to tell your mom the truth, okay? 189 00:09:52,172 --> 00:09:56,165 Listen, she is a sweet, caring, slightly-too-graphic woman 190 00:09:56,276 --> 00:09:58,006 who deserves better. 191 00:09:58,312 --> 00:10:01,008 No. No way. The truth would kill her. 192 00:10:01,348 --> 00:10:02,713 I don't feel right 193 00:10:02,817 --> 00:10:06,150 about lying to such a kindhearted woman, okay? 194 00:10:06,454 --> 00:10:08,513 She reminds me of my own mother. 195 00:10:09,790 --> 00:10:12,054 - What? - "Kindhearted"? 196 00:10:12,159 --> 00:10:15,822 Remember in our wedding vows when I said we'd be together forever? 197 00:10:15,930 --> 00:10:19,866 Well, on our way back up the aisle, your mother leaned in and she said, 198 00:10:20,101 --> 00:10:23,298 "Not forever, sweetie. Marshall's going to Heaven. " 199 00:10:24,138 --> 00:10:26,971 - She was making a joke. - She hates me, Marshall. 200 00:10:27,074 --> 00:10:28,507 But that's okay because... 201 00:10:29,076 --> 00:10:30,168 Never mind. 202 00:10:30,644 --> 00:10:33,238 No. What were you gonna say? 203 00:10:33,347 --> 00:10:36,680 Nothing. Hey, do you want to go do it in Barney's childhood bedroom again? 204 00:10:36,951 --> 00:10:39,852 - On the racecar bed? - Handles great, buddy. 205 00:10:40,287 --> 00:10:43,347 Look, Lily, if today has taught us nothing else, 206 00:10:43,457 --> 00:10:47,086 it's that honesty is important when it comes to family. 207 00:10:47,194 --> 00:10:50,686 Now, whatever you're feeling towards my mother, 208 00:10:50,798 --> 00:10:54,063 we've been together for 12 years, baby. 209 00:10:54,435 --> 00:10:57,029 - I think that I can handle it. - Really? 210 00:10:57,138 --> 00:10:59,038 - Yeah. - Okay. 211 00:11:00,241 --> 00:11:01,833 I hate your mom. 212 00:11:03,077 --> 00:11:04,271 Well, guess what? 213 00:11:04,378 --> 00:11:05,709 I hate you! 214 00:11:09,484 --> 00:11:12,885 - Two-minute warning for meatloaf! - Meatloaf? 215 00:11:13,088 --> 00:11:14,453 Tyler no likey! 216 00:11:16,525 --> 00:11:19,494 Grant, we have been over this a million times! 217 00:11:19,594 --> 00:11:23,030 - You are not getting a catchphrase! - But it's funny. 218 00:11:23,765 --> 00:11:26,529 Grant, I am not afraid to recast. 219 00:11:27,102 --> 00:11:30,196 Now go memorize your lines for the big dinner scene. 220 00:11:31,439 --> 00:11:33,999 Wait. So you wrote the dinner we're about to have? 221 00:11:34,109 --> 00:11:35,701 Yeah, yeah. Just a short script. 222 00:11:35,844 --> 00:11:37,937 Just things that will make my mom happy to hear. 223 00:11:38,146 --> 00:11:39,113 What kind of things? 224 00:11:39,214 --> 00:11:43,583 And I really thought Barney had forgotten our anniversary. 225 00:11:43,685 --> 00:11:47,951 So I storm out to the backyard, and there's smoke coming out of my ears. 226 00:11:48,056 --> 00:11:51,116 Nostrils flaring. Her nostrils flare when she gets mad. I love it. 227 00:11:51,326 --> 00:11:53,920 Doing it right now. Doing it right now! 228 00:11:54,462 --> 00:11:57,124 - You better stop, mister! - Okay, okay. 229 00:11:57,232 --> 00:11:59,530 Sorry, sorry, boo bear. Continue. 230 00:11:59,634 --> 00:12:02,068 This is what you're actually like in a relationship. 231 00:12:02,270 --> 00:12:05,000 So I storm out to the backyard and... 232 00:12:05,907 --> 00:12:09,809 Candles everywhere and a string quartet. 233 00:12:10,845 --> 00:12:13,575 - Can you believe that? - No, not even slightly. 234 00:12:14,549 --> 00:12:17,417 What about my little Ty-Ty? What have you been up to? 235 00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:18,779 Funny story, 236 00:12:18,888 --> 00:12:22,255 just the other night, this little rascal had a nightmare. 237 00:12:22,358 --> 00:12:24,019 And when he came in to tell us what it was about... 238 00:12:24,126 --> 00:12:25,855 Do you remember what you said, champ? 239 00:12:27,396 --> 00:12:28,363 Uh... 240 00:12:29,298 --> 00:12:31,766 Page four. 241 00:12:35,571 --> 00:12:39,029 The dinosaur bones in the museum came to life and started chasing me? 242 00:12:39,141 --> 00:12:42,406 All right, thanks a lot, buddy. I didn't need to sleep tonight. 243 00:12:42,545 --> 00:12:45,946 No. Tyler said, "My nightmare was 244 00:12:46,048 --> 00:12:48,846 "that you and Mommy didn't know how much I loved you. 245 00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:53,819 "So I wanted to come in and tell you it was this much. " 246 00:12:53,923 --> 00:12:57,484 - Aw! That's so sweet. - We're a sweet, happy family. 247 00:12:57,660 --> 00:13:00,561 Okay, I'm gonna grab some ice cream from the freezer downstairs 248 00:13:00,663 --> 00:13:02,528 and then we'll all hit the sundae bar in the kitchen. 249 00:13:05,968 --> 00:13:10,428 Wow. Not a weak link in that scene. Bravo. 250 00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:13,633 Back off, Barney. You have no idea how hard it is 251 00:13:13,743 --> 00:13:15,973 to do a job that's beneath you. 252 00:13:16,078 --> 00:13:19,605 Grant, I really enjoyed your thing about the dinosaur bones. 253 00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:22,809 Can we please stop talking about the dinosaur bones? 254 00:13:24,153 --> 00:13:26,747 - Just go eat your sundae. - I can't. 255 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,116 I'm lactose intolerant. 256 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,627 Well, guess who's not lactose intolerant? Tyler. 257 00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:37,758 Tyler is gonna go in there and enjoy every last bite. 258 00:13:37,934 --> 00:13:41,131 - Ice cream time, gang. - Yummers! 259 00:13:43,140 --> 00:13:44,698 Oh, my God! 260 00:13:46,710 --> 00:13:48,200 Tyler no likey. 261 00:13:48,512 --> 00:13:50,537 You're not getting a catchphrase. 262 00:13:56,687 --> 00:13:59,247 - I don't understand. - I do. 263 00:14:02,959 --> 00:14:04,017 Follow my lead. 264 00:14:04,127 --> 00:14:09,121 I've been betrayed by my best friend. 265 00:14:09,232 --> 00:14:11,166 How could you do this, Ted? 266 00:14:11,902 --> 00:14:16,430 Think about poor Tyler, bravely trying to hold back tears. 267 00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:20,072 It's okay, son, you can cry. 268 00:14:21,978 --> 00:14:23,036 Cry! 269 00:14:24,548 --> 00:14:27,711 I don't want my mommy and daddy to get divorced! 270 00:14:29,453 --> 00:14:30,579 Wow! 271 00:14:31,922 --> 00:14:36,086 What could you possibly have to say for yourself? 272 00:14:37,362 --> 00:14:39,330 Acting rule number one, 273 00:14:39,430 --> 00:14:41,125 don't be afraid to improvise. 274 00:14:42,834 --> 00:14:44,665 Was it me who betrayed you, 275 00:14:45,803 --> 00:14:47,794 or you who betrayed me? 276 00:14:48,706 --> 00:14:49,866 I'm sorry. What? 277 00:14:50,875 --> 00:14:52,672 Acting rule number five, 278 00:14:52,844 --> 00:14:55,711 invent a rich back-story for your character. 279 00:14:56,547 --> 00:14:58,572 November 14th, 1998. 280 00:14:59,884 --> 00:15:02,580 The overnight train to Monte Carlo. 281 00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:05,749 I was in the billiards car, 282 00:15:05,923 --> 00:15:09,051 hustling some Algerians out of a few thousand dinar, 283 00:15:09,627 --> 00:15:12,926 when you seduced my fiancée, 284 00:15:13,965 --> 00:15:17,059 who is blind and thought you were me. 285 00:15:17,168 --> 00:15:18,260 Yes. 286 00:15:18,836 --> 00:15:21,327 What in God's name are you talking about? 287 00:15:22,106 --> 00:15:23,471 Acting rule number eight, 288 00:15:23,574 --> 00:15:25,371 don't be afraid to get physical. 289 00:15:26,944 --> 00:15:27,911 Ow! 290 00:15:28,045 --> 00:15:29,842 You know damn well what I'm talking about! 291 00:15:29,947 --> 00:15:31,278 No, I don't! 292 00:15:31,983 --> 00:15:36,784 Yes, you do! And, by God, I'll hear you say it, scoundrel! 293 00:15:37,789 --> 00:15:41,122 - Mom, can you give us a sec? - Okay. 294 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,954 - There's chocolate and butterscotch. - Okay, thanks. Now just... 295 00:15:45,062 --> 00:15:47,759 There are various kinds of sprinkles and marshmallows. 296 00:15:47,866 --> 00:15:48,833 Just... 297 00:15:50,302 --> 00:15:52,395 Have you lost your mind? 298 00:15:52,938 --> 00:15:55,338 You were amazing! 299 00:15:55,441 --> 00:15:58,069 You completely just became that character. 300 00:15:58,177 --> 00:16:00,077 Honestly, I wasn't so much playing Ted 301 00:16:00,179 --> 00:16:02,875 as I was just trying to get out of Ted's way. 302 00:16:03,081 --> 00:16:04,605 What is wrong with you people? 303 00:16:04,716 --> 00:16:07,446 Ted, how am I ever gonna explain this to my mother? 304 00:16:07,553 --> 00:16:10,215 Well, maybe it's time to tell her the truth, Barney. 305 00:16:10,322 --> 00:16:13,416 I don't know, Lily. Sometimes, honesty leads people 306 00:16:13,525 --> 00:16:17,256 to say mean things about a woman who always took special care of me 307 00:16:17,362 --> 00:16:19,353 because I was the runt of the family. 308 00:16:19,932 --> 00:16:22,765 For crying out loud, I'm only 6'4"! 309 00:16:25,804 --> 00:16:27,294 How good was my crying? 310 00:16:27,406 --> 00:16:29,169 You nailed it. See? 311 00:16:29,274 --> 00:16:32,641 Even at a gig you hate, you still managed to love what you do. 312 00:16:33,812 --> 00:16:36,007 Maybe that's how it will be for you at your new job. 313 00:16:36,615 --> 00:16:38,845 - You think so? - I know so. 314 00:16:39,551 --> 00:16:40,711 Thanks, Grant. 315 00:16:41,119 --> 00:16:43,485 You're pretty smart, you know that? 316 00:16:47,259 --> 00:16:49,784 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Sorry! Sorry! 317 00:16:49,928 --> 00:16:51,862 Thought I was picking up on something. 318 00:16:53,699 --> 00:16:55,030 Honey, are you okay? 319 00:16:55,601 --> 00:16:58,696 Look, Mom, there's something I have to tell you. 320 00:16:59,305 --> 00:17:02,399 Something I should have told you a long time ago. 321 00:17:06,980 --> 00:17:08,208 Tyler is dying. 322 00:17:09,382 --> 00:17:13,079 And Betty said that when he goes, she's gonna off herself. 323 00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:16,214 So that's all probably gonna go down pretty soon. 324 00:17:16,322 --> 00:17:17,812 Oh, my God! 325 00:17:18,091 --> 00:17:21,492 Okay, no. No! None of that is true! 326 00:17:21,594 --> 00:17:23,528 The truth is, I... 327 00:17:26,666 --> 00:17:32,832 The truth is Betty and Tyler are actors that I hired to pretend to be my family. 328 00:17:33,406 --> 00:17:34,464 What? 329 00:17:34,807 --> 00:17:37,469 I just wanted you to think I had the life 330 00:17:37,577 --> 00:17:40,740 you wanted for me. I wanted you to be proud of me. 331 00:17:41,548 --> 00:17:44,176 I know it sounds crazy, and I am so sorry, Mom. 332 00:17:44,751 --> 00:17:48,118 - So Betty is not your wife? - No. 333 00:17:48,821 --> 00:17:52,689 Thank God! I do not like that woman. 334 00:17:53,626 --> 00:17:55,423 - Really? - Yes. 335 00:17:55,995 --> 00:17:57,587 And Tyler... 336 00:17:58,331 --> 00:18:01,562 I know I'm his grandma and I'm supposed to love him, 337 00:18:01,668 --> 00:18:04,728 but I hate that kid. "Tyler no likey. " 338 00:18:04,837 --> 00:18:06,464 - What the hell is that? - Right? 339 00:18:06,573 --> 00:18:10,806 And those fake friends of yours out there, I just wanted to shoot myself. 340 00:18:11,879 --> 00:18:13,904 I know! Aren't they horrible? 341 00:18:15,082 --> 00:18:16,982 So really, really, you're not mad? 342 00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:21,179 No, I'm just confused. I don't know why you thought you had to do this. 343 00:18:21,655 --> 00:18:24,453 Barney, I love you, perfect family or no perfect family. 344 00:18:24,558 --> 00:18:26,355 I love you no matter what. 345 00:18:27,194 --> 00:18:29,025 - Really? - Really. 346 00:18:34,702 --> 00:18:37,136 Oh, I am so relieved 347 00:18:37,237 --> 00:18:40,638 because the truth is I am as far from married 348 00:18:40,741 --> 00:18:42,732 as a human being can possibly be. 349 00:18:42,843 --> 00:18:46,108 My history with women would shock and appall you. 350 00:18:46,213 --> 00:18:47,874 Doesn't matter. I still love you. 351 00:18:47,982 --> 00:18:50,849 Seriously, you can't imagine the things I have done. 352 00:18:50,951 --> 00:18:53,545 Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter 353 00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:56,214 and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad, 354 00:18:56,323 --> 00:18:58,757 being passed around like a bong. 355 00:18:58,859 --> 00:19:00,053 Mommy! 356 00:19:01,095 --> 00:19:04,792 Just do me a favor. If you ever do meet someone special, 357 00:19:04,898 --> 00:19:07,366 don't run away from it. Don't be me. 358 00:19:07,801 --> 00:19:09,701 Take a shot at it, will you? 359 00:19:10,204 --> 00:19:12,764 Hey, Barney, cab's here. 360 00:19:16,276 --> 00:19:17,505 I'll try. 361 00:19:18,613 --> 00:19:22,310 And so ended one of the strangest afternoons of our lives. 362 00:19:23,451 --> 00:19:25,715 And I just wanted to say to you, 363 00:19:25,820 --> 00:19:30,917 if I ever seemed cold or unwelcoming, I'm sorry. 364 00:19:31,259 --> 00:19:33,454 - Who's she talking to? - My mom. 365 00:19:34,095 --> 00:19:38,054 It would mean a lot to me if you and I could be closer. 366 00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:42,467 Now take a deep breath like this next thing is gonna be hard to say. 367 00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:46,564 I love you. 368 00:19:46,808 --> 00:19:48,400 I love you... 369 00:19:48,777 --> 00:19:50,472 - Mom. - Yes. 370 00:19:50,979 --> 00:19:52,105 ...Mom. 371 00:19:53,515 --> 00:19:55,039 Now pretend I said something nice. 372 00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:57,209 Now pretend I said something nice. 373 00:19:57,819 --> 00:19:59,252 I mean, 374 00:19:59,354 --> 00:20:02,619 that's very nice of you to say, Judy. 375 00:20:03,258 --> 00:20:06,750 Okay. You, too. Speak soon. 376 00:20:15,270 --> 00:20:17,636 Let me get this straight. You're really telling me 377 00:20:17,739 --> 00:20:19,707 that when you watch The Karate Kid, 378 00:20:19,808 --> 00:20:22,504 - you don't root for Daniel-san? - Nope. 379 00:20:23,445 --> 00:20:25,913 - Who do you root for in Die Hard? - Hans Gruber, 380 00:20:26,381 --> 00:20:30,113 charming international bandit. At the end, he died hard. 381 00:20:30,286 --> 00:20:31,981 He's the title character. 382 00:20:32,388 --> 00:20:35,255 Okay, The Breakfast Club. 383 00:20:35,791 --> 00:20:38,089 The teacher running detention. 384 00:20:38,194 --> 00:20:40,059 He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit. 385 00:20:40,730 --> 00:20:43,324 I got one. Terminator. 386 00:20:43,799 --> 00:20:46,029 What's the name of the movie, Robin? 387 00:20:46,635 --> 00:20:49,399 Who among us didn't shed a tear 388 00:20:49,505 --> 00:20:51,939 when his little red eye went out at the end 389 00:20:52,041 --> 00:20:54,532 and he didn't get to kill those people? 390 00:20:56,145 --> 00:20:57,908 I'm sorry. That movie... 391 00:20:59,248 --> 00:21:01,682 I am never watching a movie with you ever again. 392 00:21:02,051 --> 00:21:04,383 They didn't even try to help him!