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00:00:01,782 --> 00:00:03,441
Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner.
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00:00:03,442 --> 00:00:06,042
Your lifespan just decreased by one meal.
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[dramatic music]
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♪ ♪
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Would you like to order now or
after that galaxy is destroyed?
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[glass shattering]
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Oh, dude, I can hold up one finger, too,
8
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and trust me; it won't be that one.
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Booth one is all yours.
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If I wanted to deal with a guy
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who won't even acknowledge my existence,
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I'd track down my father.
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(man) Makeup needs to
complement the personality.
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Sorry, I wasn't listening.
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Mr. Eye Queen's about to show
me how to pluck my eyebrows.
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Finally.
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I've been telling you for a
year you need to get plucked.
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[bell dings]
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Pick up. Fried egg over easy.
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[woman moaning]
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Correction: make that over hard.
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Max, that's Earl's order.
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Can you?
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You know, I could just check out
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and phone in this job, too,
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but I promised myself
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I'd never grow up to be my gynecologist.
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Earl, I know you remember a time
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where people still made eye contact
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and get the fact that I
was totally dissing them.
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It's a damn shame, Max.
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Thank you, Earl.
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The Mets are down in
the bottom of the sixth.
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Now you have one?
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Earl, three months ago,
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you thought T-Mobile was a rapper.
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Max, I want to talk to you.
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Well, why not?
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Everyone else is listening
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to something tiny and made in Asia.
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I just heard the funniest joke.
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A guy is driving a car up a hill
and he sees a pig in the road.
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Wait. Oh yes, I forgot.
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It's raining.
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It's raining, and there is a pig.
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- [jazzy music]
- I'm listening.
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And then the pig is in the car...
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no, the pig is in the road,
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and... I'll be right back.
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(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
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[cash register bell dings]
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Subtitle sync and corrections
by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
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Thank you. Come again.
54
00:02:07,026 --> 00:02:08,895
Hey, what do you want
to do after work tonight?
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Maybe we could go to that
trendy new ice cream place
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that only sells juice.
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Nah, I'm too tired.
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I've been on my feet since 2003.
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Hi, can I get a red velvet...
oh, my God, Max Black?
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00:02:23,941 --> 00:02:26,911
Oh, my God, Becky White?
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Holy crap. How long has it been?
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Let's see. When was I on "Intervention"?
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Well, your hair's grown
back on the right side,
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so I'd say five years.
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Hi, I'm Caroline.
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I'd wait for Max to introduce me,
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but she usually tells people
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I'm Taylor Swift's slow cousin Randi.
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Nice to meet you.
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Max, I did not think
you would still be alive.
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I owe you $10.
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Becky's an actress.
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I just saw her in "Law and Order."
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She owned "deli worker who
barely knew the victim."
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Yeah, I've done three "Law and Orders."
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Pretty easy work.
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They usually find me in a trunk.
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How do you two know each other?
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Max and I waited tables together.
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Well, mostly stood around and got drunk,
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but they paid us.
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Nice shop.
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Looks like you guys have
a business together too.
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Too?
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You two too?
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We invented an Uber just for women.
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Boober.
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It would've been awesome,
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except we didn't have an app... or a car.
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Hey, forget about this cupcake.
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I just got paid.
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How about drinks on me?
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And by drinks, I mean one PBR each.
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I guess I could do drinks.
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Do you mind closing up? Thanks.
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I'll meet you out front.
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Awesome.
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Nice meeting you, Brandi.
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It's Randi!
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[rock music]
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Hey, Earl, what's shaking?
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Max, I'm pushing 80.
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The easier question is,
"What isn't shaking?"
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Max, where were you last night?
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I had to watch "Carson Daly" alone and say,
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"This show's still on?" to no one.
107
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I crashed on Becky's couch,
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of which... you're not
gonna believe this...
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she is the first owner.
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So did you guys have fun last night,
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or was it weird because you've grown apart?
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Let's just say we're gonna be in not one,
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but two wedding albums.
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Becky can dance her some hora.
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Fun.
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That's so fun that you had fun.
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Uh, what's happening here?
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I guess I just thought we were...
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Forget it.
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Oh, no, please.
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It's like watching a bird fly into a window
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in slow motion.
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Well, you know, I
thought we were exclusive,
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for lack of a better word.
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What, like monogamous?
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You thought we were in
a monogamous friendship?
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I'm not even monogamous with
the people I'm monogamous with.
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What is the big deal?
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You had friends before we were friends.
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Bunch of rich bitches.
131
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You guys talking about
that show, "Friends"?
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People always say, "Why
was there no black friend?"
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Because no reasonable black man
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would hang out with those people.
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He's been waiting to get that off his chest
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since the mid-'90s.
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You know what I just realized?
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I've never tried to make
friends as a not-rich person.
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You made friends with me.
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Against my will, but still.
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Guess what I'm doing?
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Motivating me to look at
resumes on monster.com?
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I'm gonna make a friend right now.
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There's a girl in my section
with clean-ish looking hair.
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Speaking of hair, pick up.
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- [bell dings]
- Cobb salad.
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Max, how's this for
my friend-making smile?
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Do you have more teeth than me?
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Here's you salad. Dressing on the side.
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I'm sort of a "DOS" gal myself.
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[chuckles]
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Okay.
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Thanks.
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Maybe we should, I don't know,
grab a couple salads sometime.
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The Yelp review specifically said
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I would be ignored by the waitstaff.
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There's hair in your salad.
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Excuse me.
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The water's supposed to be that color.
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No, no.
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I just think it's cool how brave you were
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to put yourself out there like that.
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I haven't been called cool
since I had a black card
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and owned 3/4 of an island.
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I'm Rachel. This is Kathy.
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I'm Caroline,
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and you have no idea how brave I am.
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You should see where I shower.
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[both laugh]
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She should come to our party.
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She just moved to Williamsburg,
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and we're having a party tomorrow.
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- You should come.
- Oh, you know what?
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I'm busy tomorrow night
because I'm going to your party!
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[laughter]
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I've seen people with podcasts
less desperate for approval.
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♪ ♪
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Max, I had the most amazing night.
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Me too. Becky just left.
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She has to get up early tomorrow.
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Not to brag, but she's
playing a dead hooker
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00:07:11,934 --> 00:07:14,103
on "Blue Bloods."
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00:07:14,104 --> 00:07:16,763
Oh, so she came here for research.
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00:07:16,764 --> 00:07:19,223
Anyways, my new friends Rachel and Kathy
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00:07:19,224 --> 00:07:22,303
and everybody there were
so warm and positive.
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00:07:22,304 --> 00:07:23,603
Uh-huh.
187
00:07:23,604 --> 00:07:25,143
It was so refreshing to be around people
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00:07:25,144 --> 00:07:26,643
who were super driven and focused.
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Uh-huh.
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And we had such interesting conversations.
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00:07:30,604 --> 00:07:31,973
Honestly, after talking to them,
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00:07:31,974 --> 00:07:34,473
I felt like anything is possible.
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Oh, you guys did molly?
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Now I'm jealous.
195
00:07:40,724 --> 00:07:43,263
These people don't need drugs to be happy.
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Oh, so it's a cult.
197
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How did you get cult from that?
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You think the only way I can make friends
199
00:07:49,764 --> 00:07:51,263
is by joining a cult?
200
00:07:51,264 --> 00:07:52,303
No.
201
00:07:52,304 --> 00:07:54,034
You could also always have gum.
202
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:56,893
In fact, they're so nice,
203
00:07:56,894 --> 00:07:58,723
they invited you to come for the weekend.
204
00:07:58,724 --> 00:08:00,263
- Uh-uh.
- Fresh country air.
205
00:08:00,264 --> 00:08:01,683
- No thanks.
- Gorgeous views.
206
00:08:01,684 --> 00:08:03,183
- Not for me.
- Free food and booze.
207
00:08:03,184 --> 00:08:05,433
I could be in a cult for the weekend.
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00:08:05,434 --> 00:08:08,433
[rock music]
209
00:08:08,434 --> 00:08:09,513
♪ ♪
210
00:08:09,514 --> 00:08:11,103
[Caroline gasps]
211
00:08:11,104 --> 00:08:13,393
This place is amazing.
212
00:08:13,394 --> 00:08:15,843
I know. Fancy.
213
00:08:15,844 --> 00:08:17,513
And that was the first bus I've been on
214
00:08:17,514 --> 00:08:19,944
where I didn't see an
under-the-blanket handy.
215
00:08:21,304 --> 00:08:23,803
I'm Topher. From the bus.
216
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:27,143
You were throwing
sunflower seeds in my hair.
217
00:08:27,144 --> 00:08:29,433
This is Lady Marmalade.
218
00:08:29,434 --> 00:08:31,683
People named Topher shouldn't be allowed
219
00:08:31,684 --> 00:08:34,433
to name other living things.
220
00:08:34,434 --> 00:08:35,553
Please don't make fun of her.
221
00:08:35,554 --> 00:08:37,343
She has seasonal depression.
222
00:08:37,344 --> 00:08:39,204
We both do.
223
00:08:40,684 --> 00:08:43,603
Hey, Caroline, I'm so glad you could come.
224
00:08:43,604 --> 00:08:44,604
And you must be...
225
00:08:44,605 --> 00:08:46,843
Starving.
226
00:08:46,844 --> 00:08:49,103
Just give me the tray.
227
00:08:49,104 --> 00:08:50,183
[laughs]
228
00:08:50,184 --> 00:08:51,393
This is Max.
229
00:08:51,394 --> 00:08:53,603
Thank you so much for inviting us.
230
00:08:53,604 --> 00:08:56,744
Yeah, the last invitation we
got was to audition for porn.
231
00:08:57,934 --> 00:08:59,223
Less of an invitation;
232
00:08:59,224 --> 00:09:02,603
more of a shout from a convertible.
233
00:09:02,604 --> 00:09:04,784
"You girls want to do porn?"
234
00:09:07,104 --> 00:09:09,433
Well, Elaine will be out in a minute,
235
00:09:09,434 --> 00:09:12,513
so in the meantime, just
be your awesome self.
236
00:09:12,514 --> 00:09:13,763
Isn't she great?
237
00:09:13,764 --> 00:09:15,893
So see? It's nice here.
238
00:09:15,894 --> 00:09:17,603
And you thought it was a cult.
239
00:09:17,604 --> 00:09:20,933
I also thought peanuts never
touched the eggs at the diner,
240
00:09:20,934 --> 00:09:22,944
but then that lady died.
241
00:09:24,184 --> 00:09:26,053
Welcome, everyone.
242
00:09:26,054 --> 00:09:27,603
(all) Hi, Elaine.
243
00:09:27,604 --> 00:09:30,513
There are only two rules in this house:
244
00:09:30,514 --> 00:09:31,933
love one another
245
00:09:31,934 --> 00:09:33,393
and don't talk to the neighbors.
246
00:09:33,394 --> 00:09:34,864
I hate them.
247
00:09:37,934 --> 00:09:40,183
I'm so glad you all could make it.
248
00:09:40,184 --> 00:09:41,263
Oh, except Jerry.
249
00:09:41,264 --> 00:09:42,933
He's getting Lasik.
250
00:09:42,934 --> 00:09:45,263
He should've listened. I
told him to eat more kale.
251
00:09:45,264 --> 00:09:47,553
Kale is good for the eyes.
252
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:48,554
[laughing] Okay.
253
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:50,433
Now make yourselves at home.
254
00:09:50,434 --> 00:09:51,843
You mean don't pay our rent
255
00:09:51,844 --> 00:09:53,824
and hide every time we
hear someone in the hall?
256
00:09:55,014 --> 00:09:57,263
Elaine, this is Caroline,
257
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,513
our new friend.
258
00:09:58,514 --> 00:09:59,933
Hello, Caroline.
259
00:09:59,934 --> 00:10:01,723
I've heard so many wonderful things.
260
00:10:01,724 --> 00:10:03,683
And you are?
261
00:10:03,684 --> 00:10:06,103
Looking for some dipping sauces.
262
00:10:06,104 --> 00:10:07,513
I'm Max.
263
00:10:07,514 --> 00:10:10,433
A lady who knows what
she wants. I like that.
264
00:10:10,434 --> 00:10:12,343
My ex-husband knew what he wanted:
265
00:10:12,344 --> 00:10:14,263
to be a woman.
266
00:10:14,264 --> 00:10:16,683
And now he is.
267
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,893
I miss her.
268
00:10:18,894 --> 00:10:21,683
And all my shoes.
269
00:10:21,684 --> 00:10:23,263
I hear you, sister.
270
00:10:23,264 --> 00:10:25,717
But seriously, something
like a honey mustard
271
00:10:25,718 --> 00:10:28,507
or really anything in the Dijon world.
272
00:10:28,508 --> 00:10:30,547
Whoo, she's a tough nut.
273
00:10:30,548 --> 00:10:32,127
My favorite kind.
274
00:10:32,128 --> 00:10:34,148
Except for cashews.
275
00:10:36,338 --> 00:10:38,177
Max, Elaine is amazing.
276
00:10:38,178 --> 00:10:39,387
Look around.
277
00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:41,547
This is my new social circle.
278
00:10:41,548 --> 00:10:43,047
This is the saddest circle I've seen
279
00:10:43,048 --> 00:10:46,677
since my mom peed on
the floor at Wal-Mart.
280
00:10:46,678 --> 00:10:48,717
Can you just admit it's not a cult?
281
00:10:48,718 --> 00:10:50,547
Everyone gather 'round.
282
00:10:50,548 --> 00:10:53,717
Let's have some mutual eye contact.
283
00:10:53,718 --> 00:10:56,047
That's nice. That's just being a person.
284
00:10:56,048 --> 00:10:58,047
Look to the person next to you,
285
00:10:58,048 --> 00:11:01,387
and open the door to them with your eyes.
286
00:11:01,388 --> 00:11:03,488
Bitch, that door is locked.
287
00:11:06,258 --> 00:11:08,127
Nicely done.
288
00:11:08,128 --> 00:11:09,547
All right, everyone.
289
00:11:09,548 --> 00:11:12,047
I'd like us to recite our mantra.
290
00:11:12,048 --> 00:11:15,127
My best is my best, and
that's why I'm blessed.
291
00:11:15,128 --> 00:11:17,087
(all) My best is my best,
292
00:11:17,088 --> 00:11:18,887
and that's why I'm blessed.
293
00:11:18,888 --> 00:11:20,887
Don't mumble, Connie.
294
00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:22,547
(all) My best is my best,
295
00:11:22,548 --> 00:11:24,127
and that's why I'm blessed.
296
00:11:24,128 --> 00:11:26,797
Okay, it's a cult.
297
00:11:26,798 --> 00:11:28,797
Little bit.
298
00:11:28,798 --> 00:11:30,297
(all) My best is my best,
299
00:11:30,298 --> 00:11:32,297
and that's why I'm blessed.
300
00:11:32,298 --> 00:11:34,627
♪ ♪
301
00:11:34,628 --> 00:11:36,047
All right, everyone.
302
00:11:36,048 --> 00:11:38,047
Let the sound of the bowls wash over you,
303
00:11:38,048 --> 00:11:39,757
cleansing you from head to toe
304
00:11:39,758 --> 00:11:41,648
and everywhere in-between.
305
00:11:42,968 --> 00:11:46,427
These bowls got their
work cut out for them.
306
00:11:46,428 --> 00:11:49,757
Everyone, close your
eyes and quiet the mind,
307
00:11:49,758 --> 00:11:52,387
and receive the healing vibrations.
308
00:11:52,388 --> 00:11:54,717
Sound bathe us, Eugene.
309
00:11:54,718 --> 00:11:57,818
[bowls ringing]
310
00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:02,387
When you feel called to join the bowls,
311
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:04,337
begin with a soft...
312
00:12:04,338 --> 00:12:06,127
[hums]
313
00:12:06,128 --> 00:12:07,387
[all humming]
314
00:12:07,388 --> 00:12:09,927
I usually begin with a soft hummer.
315
00:12:09,928 --> 00:12:11,278
[laughs]
316
00:12:13,508 --> 00:12:14,967
[mimicking humming] How are we gonna
317
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,627
get out of this?
318
00:12:17,628 --> 00:12:19,387
Let's just call it what it is:
319
00:12:19,388 --> 00:12:22,797
a cult.
320
00:12:22,798 --> 00:12:26,127
[mimicking humming] I'm not going anywhere
321
00:12:26,128 --> 00:12:29,318
until I see what's in those bowls.
322
00:12:31,048 --> 00:12:33,858
I'm hoping for fettuccini.
323
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:38,177
I hope it's not fettuccini
324
00:12:38,178 --> 00:12:42,387
because I really don't
like cream-based sauces.
325
00:12:42,388 --> 00:12:43,587
Do you mind?
326
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:45,547
This is important for Lady Marmalade.
327
00:12:45,548 --> 00:12:47,728
She has fibromyalgia.
328
00:12:49,008 --> 00:12:52,427
Fibromyalgia and seasonal depression?
329
00:12:52,428 --> 00:12:54,648
You really won the dog lottery.
330
00:12:56,338 --> 00:12:58,047
All right, everyone.
331
00:12:58,048 --> 00:13:00,047
You may gently bring your energy
332
00:13:00,048 --> 00:13:02,427
back into the room
333
00:13:02,428 --> 00:13:04,887
whenever you feel ready.
334
00:13:04,888 --> 00:13:07,547
[gong clangs]
335
00:13:07,548 --> 00:13:09,387
We got to get out of here.
336
00:13:09,388 --> 00:13:11,587
What are we gonna do? We're
in the middle of nowhere.
337
00:13:11,588 --> 00:13:13,507
You know what would save the day right now?
338
00:13:13,508 --> 00:13:14,988
Boober.
339
00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:18,717
- Caroline.
- Hmm?
340
00:13:18,718 --> 00:13:21,587
Did anything come up for
you during the sound bath?
341
00:13:21,588 --> 00:13:24,887
A little bit of the
chicken satay, but all good.
342
00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:26,717
Max, how are you?
343
00:13:26,718 --> 00:13:28,087
Were you touched at all?
344
00:13:28,088 --> 00:13:31,927
In high school, I was touched by an angel.
345
00:13:31,928 --> 00:13:33,387
Well, technically, his name was...
346
00:13:33,388 --> 00:13:35,087
[in Spanish accent] Angel.
347
00:13:35,088 --> 00:13:36,717
Oh-ho.
348
00:13:36,718 --> 00:13:39,677
I know this probably all
seems like a lot of hooey,
349
00:13:39,678 --> 00:13:43,047
but I assure you you'll
wake up feeling refreshed.
350
00:13:43,048 --> 00:13:46,337
And Eugene makes a hell
of a pancake breakfast.
351
00:13:46,338 --> 00:13:49,087
He uses ricotta.
352
00:13:49,088 --> 00:13:51,337
We're staying.
353
00:13:51,338 --> 00:13:53,387
I mean, ricotta? We gotta.
354
00:13:53,388 --> 00:13:55,087
I guess so.
355
00:13:55,088 --> 00:13:57,507
It'll be like staying at a B and B
356
00:13:57,508 --> 00:14:00,757
run by a lame Ron Hubbard.
357
00:14:00,758 --> 00:14:02,547
Goodnight, everyone.
358
00:14:02,548 --> 00:14:04,688
Rachel has your room assignments.
359
00:14:06,008 --> 00:14:08,047
Caroline, you're sharing a room with me.
360
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:09,967
Yay.
361
00:14:09,968 --> 00:14:13,728
Max, you're sharing a room
with Topher and Lady Marmalade.
362
00:14:19,548 --> 00:14:21,297
[scoffs]
363
00:14:21,298 --> 00:14:24,257
Can I ever get a good roommate?
364
00:14:24,258 --> 00:14:26,177
And do not fear.
365
00:14:26,178 --> 00:14:29,177
Before the night is over,
each of you will have a chance
366
00:14:29,178 --> 00:14:31,228
to make love with me.
367
00:14:34,008 --> 00:14:37,507
And the rest of the satay just came up.
368
00:14:37,508 --> 00:14:41,148
Before the sunrise, our moons will unite.
369
00:14:43,338 --> 00:14:45,927
Well, I'm guessing her moon's not waxed.
370
00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:48,717
♪ ♪
371
00:14:48,718 --> 00:14:50,007
[whispering] Caroline.
372
00:14:50,008 --> 00:14:51,297
Caroline.
373
00:14:51,298 --> 00:14:53,177
Caroline, where are you?
374
00:14:53,178 --> 00:14:54,427
Caroline?
375
00:14:54,428 --> 00:14:55,938
[knocking]
376
00:14:57,968 --> 00:15:00,967
I thought you were gonna be Elaine...
377
00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:03,047
and I'm not drunk enough for that!
378
00:15:03,048 --> 00:15:06,488
By the way, the piglet's
popping the snout out.
379
00:15:08,838 --> 00:15:10,228
[knocking]
380
00:15:11,548 --> 00:15:13,887
Oh, I thought you were gonna be Elaine.
381
00:15:13,888 --> 00:15:15,717
And I thought I was gonna be dead at 14,
382
00:15:15,718 --> 00:15:17,608
but you can't always get what you want.
383
00:15:19,008 --> 00:15:20,547
Max!
384
00:15:20,548 --> 00:15:22,717
Max, oh, my God. Are you okay?
385
00:15:22,718 --> 00:15:24,677
Please tell me Elaine didn't get to you.
386
00:15:24,678 --> 00:15:26,547
I could never live with myself.
387
00:15:26,548 --> 00:15:28,278
Or you.
388
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:30,627
[Elaine chuckles]
389
00:15:30,628 --> 00:15:33,047
I'm sorry it took me so long to climax.
390
00:15:33,048 --> 00:15:36,318
I know I was almost
there for quite some time.
391
00:15:37,838 --> 00:15:40,438
Max, Caroline, what are you doing out here?
392
00:15:41,388 --> 00:15:43,337
We were just anxiously awaiting
393
00:15:43,338 --> 00:15:45,887
intercourse with you.
394
00:15:45,888 --> 00:15:47,547
Really?
395
00:15:47,548 --> 00:15:49,467
'Cause unless that bag's
full of marital aids,
396
00:15:49,468 --> 00:15:51,318
it looks like you're trying to sneak out.
397
00:15:52,388 --> 00:15:53,677
Look, Elaine,
398
00:15:53,678 --> 00:15:55,967
this is all a lot, and no offense,
399
00:15:55,968 --> 00:15:57,507
but you can't be the first person
400
00:15:57,508 --> 00:16:00,387
I have sex with this year.
401
00:16:00,388 --> 00:16:03,547
I understand that you're both
feeling a little overwhelmed,
402
00:16:03,548 --> 00:16:06,087
but before you go, why don't
we discuss this as a group
403
00:16:06,088 --> 00:16:07,387
in a healing way?
404
00:16:07,388 --> 00:16:09,127
All right, Eugene, stay where you are.
405
00:16:09,128 --> 00:16:10,387
You need some rest.
406
00:16:10,388 --> 00:16:11,717
Maybe a little protein.
407
00:16:11,718 --> 00:16:14,228
♪ ♪
408
00:16:20,998 --> 00:16:23,037
So you know what? We're just gonna go.
409
00:16:23,038 --> 00:16:24,867
You can tell that guy at the door
410
00:16:24,868 --> 00:16:26,957
he can just step aside so we can, you know,
411
00:16:26,958 --> 00:16:29,037
start running.
412
00:16:29,038 --> 00:16:32,037
Caroline, you are free to go at any time.
413
00:16:32,038 --> 00:16:33,367
So we can go right now?
414
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,117
No.
415
00:16:35,118 --> 00:16:37,707
Caroline, why don't you
sit here, and Rachel,
416
00:16:37,708 --> 00:16:41,037
bring Max over by the gong.
417
00:16:41,038 --> 00:16:45,037
Siri, remind me to patent a gong bong.
418
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:47,518
Also remind me to get a phone with Siri.
419
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:53,138
Now, I know some of you have
not yet laid with me tonight...
420
00:16:55,368 --> 00:16:56,867
But it's come to my attention
421
00:16:56,868 --> 00:16:58,367
that we have an N.N. in our midst.
422
00:16:58,368 --> 00:16:59,367
[all gasp]
423
00:16:59,368 --> 00:17:00,368
- What?
- Who?
424
00:17:00,369 --> 00:17:03,037
Quick Q on the N.N.
425
00:17:03,038 --> 00:17:06,058
Do either of those NS stand for nachos?
426
00:17:07,368 --> 00:17:09,957
N.N. stands for Negative Nelly.
427
00:17:09,958 --> 00:17:12,117
Negative Nancy was already trademarked
428
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:15,558
by another group run
by my ex-husband, Nancy.
429
00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:21,747
Caroline, do you have any
idea who this N.N. could be?
430
00:17:21,748 --> 00:17:26,537
I believe it's "whom" and no, I don't.
431
00:17:26,538 --> 00:17:28,827
Caroline, are you where
you want to be in life?
432
00:17:28,828 --> 00:17:31,207
Oh, God, no.
433
00:17:31,208 --> 00:17:35,308
And would you say there's
someone holding you back?
434
00:17:36,658 --> 00:17:37,997
Well, I do feel like
435
00:17:37,998 --> 00:17:40,287
hearing about Amy Schumer every day
436
00:17:40,288 --> 00:17:43,707
makes me feel a little "less than."
437
00:17:43,708 --> 00:17:46,117
Caroline, is there someone in this room
438
00:17:46,118 --> 00:17:50,827
who you brought with brown hair
439
00:17:50,828 --> 00:17:52,707
whose Negative Nelly-ness
440
00:17:52,708 --> 00:17:57,018
is blocking you in ways
you don't even realize?
441
00:17:57,918 --> 00:18:01,417
Wait a minute.
442
00:18:01,418 --> 00:18:04,247
I'm starting to think this is about me.
443
00:18:04,248 --> 00:18:07,827
Just having spent a
few short hours with Max
444
00:18:07,828 --> 00:18:10,348
and recording all your conversations...
445
00:18:12,078 --> 00:18:13,577
It's pretty clear
446
00:18:13,578 --> 00:18:15,997
that she is undermining
your path to success
447
00:18:15,998 --> 00:18:18,367
with her wisecracks and wordplay.
448
00:18:18,368 --> 00:18:19,707
Look.
449
00:18:19,708 --> 00:18:24,077
Max might seem negative, because she is,
450
00:18:24,078 --> 00:18:26,037
but you would be, too, if you were her.
451
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:30,497
She's been neglected, rejected,
knocked down, and spat on.
452
00:18:30,498 --> 00:18:33,327
Some of that was consensual.
453
00:18:33,328 --> 00:18:34,328
See?
454
00:18:34,329 --> 00:18:36,657
That was positive.
455
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,077
So you will give up all
these potential connections
456
00:18:39,078 --> 00:18:40,537
just for her?
457
00:18:40,538 --> 00:18:43,577
Caroline, I used to live in Jersey City,
458
00:18:43,578 --> 00:18:47,138
and now I live in a
better part of New Jersey.
459
00:18:48,708 --> 00:18:51,077
Elaine, I thought I
needed to make new friends,
460
00:18:51,078 --> 00:18:52,417
and that's how I wound up here,
461
00:18:52,418 --> 00:18:55,207
but turns out all I needed was Max.
462
00:18:55,208 --> 00:18:57,037
I'll take my chances with her.
463
00:18:57,038 --> 00:18:58,917
[chuckles] Huge mistake.
464
00:18:58,918 --> 00:19:01,417
Huge.
465
00:19:01,418 --> 00:19:03,117
Well, then you're free to go.
466
00:19:03,118 --> 00:19:05,037
Just need to settle up your bill.
467
00:19:05,038 --> 00:19:07,537
This weekend is only free for friends.
468
00:19:07,538 --> 00:19:09,117
Rachel.
469
00:19:09,118 --> 00:19:12,848
I ate $700 worth of shrimp?
470
00:19:14,458 --> 00:19:17,157
That seems about right.
471
00:19:17,158 --> 00:19:18,787
We can't pay that.
472
00:19:18,788 --> 00:19:21,657
Is there a ship we can scrub?
473
00:19:21,658 --> 00:19:25,207
Or a gay celebrity we can marry?
474
00:19:25,208 --> 00:19:28,037
Don't worry. I'll settle up with Elaine.
475
00:19:28,038 --> 00:19:31,558
Do you accept nature's credit card?
476
00:19:33,958 --> 00:19:35,537
Get out.
477
00:19:35,538 --> 00:19:40,827
♪ ♪
478
00:19:40,828 --> 00:19:43,117
(Caroline) I can't believe the
only way I can make a friend
479
00:19:43,118 --> 00:19:45,117
is to join a cult.
480
00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:47,537
(Max) Well, you made friends
with me, and I'm not in a cult...
481
00:19:47,538 --> 00:19:49,577
anymore.
482
00:19:49,578 --> 00:19:53,157
(Caroline) Max, are you and I
gonna be like you and Becky someday?
483
00:19:53,158 --> 00:19:55,287
(Max) Not unless one of
us gets really, really,
484
00:19:55,288 --> 00:19:57,957
I mean, so much cooler.
485
00:19:57,958 --> 00:19:59,657
(Caroline) I'm serious.
486
00:19:59,658 --> 00:20:02,417
Am I gonna be just some
waitress you used to know?
487
00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:03,657
'Cause that would kill me.
488
00:20:03,658 --> 00:20:05,287
[Max sighs]
489
00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:06,957
(Max) I don't think of you that way at all.
490
00:20:06,958 --> 00:20:09,037
- Aww.
- I mean as a waitress.
491
00:20:09,038 --> 00:20:11,037
(Max) Look, yes, Becky
and I worked together,
492
00:20:11,038 --> 00:20:12,957
and yes, we had kind of
a business dream, too,
493
00:20:12,958 --> 00:20:15,457
but you and I have so much more than that.
494
00:20:15,458 --> 00:20:17,787
You and I are about to die in the woods.
495
00:20:17,788 --> 00:20:19,367
Look.
496
00:20:19,368 --> 00:20:20,827
(Caroline) We are getting in that car
497
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:24,367
even if this guy has a hook for a hand.
498
00:20:24,368 --> 00:20:25,747
(Oleg) Wazzup?
499
00:20:25,748 --> 00:20:27,497
(Sophie) Hey, girls.
500
00:20:27,498 --> 00:20:29,537
(Caroline) I never thought
I'd be happy to see Oleg
501
00:20:29,538 --> 00:20:31,157
on a dark road at night.
502
00:20:31,158 --> 00:20:33,917
Sophie, what are you guys doing here?
503
00:20:33,918 --> 00:20:36,827
Oh, well, Max texted me her location.
504
00:20:36,828 --> 00:20:38,997
Said if I didn't hear back from her,
505
00:20:38,998 --> 00:20:42,707
you'd been abducted by the
cult and to come rescue you.
506
00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:44,457
I was in a cult once.
507
00:20:44,458 --> 00:20:46,308
It's called Avon.
508
00:20:49,788 --> 00:20:53,157
So you were so certain I
couldn't make a normal friend
509
00:20:53,158 --> 00:20:55,037
you had an escape plan?
510
00:20:55,038 --> 00:20:57,417
Hey, sometimes my negativity pays off.
511
00:20:57,418 --> 00:20:59,787
Sometimes it gets me in mall jail.
512
00:20:59,788 --> 00:21:03,888
♪ ♪
513
00:21:06,013 --> 00:21:13,195
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