1
00:00:05,252 --> 00:00:06,668
♪ Mr. Beetle Boo, how do you do ♪

2
00:00:06,755 --> 00:00:08,137
♪ How do you do ♪

3
00:00:08,256 --> 00:00:10,590
♪ Mr. Beetle Boo, how do you do ♪

4
00:00:10,675 --> 00:00:11,758
And he said,

5
00:00:11,893 --> 00:00:13,426
♪ I'm Mr. Beetle Boo ♪

6
00:00:13,512 --> 00:00:15,261
♪ How do you do, how do you do ♪

7
00:00:15,397 --> 00:00:16,729
♪ I'm Mr. Beetle Boo ♪

8
00:00:16,815 --> 00:00:17,981
♪ How do you do ♪

9
00:00:18,099 --> 00:00:20,433
And they said...

10
00:00:21,603 --> 00:00:22,735
It's your turn.

11
00:00:22,821 --> 00:00:25,104
How about, "I'm dying inside?"

12
00:00:25,190 --> 00:00:27,941
Deb, that is not the verse.

13
00:00:28,076 --> 00:00:30,109
You're supposed to say,

14
00:00:30,195 --> 00:00:31,945
♪ Mr. Beetle Boo, your bills are due ♪

15
00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:33,496
♪ Your bills are due ♪

16
00:00:33,615 --> 00:00:35,832
♪ Mr. Beetle Boo, your bills are due ♪

17
00:00:38,356 --> 00:00:39,939
- I can't take it anymore.
- Take what?

18
00:00:40,075 --> 00:00:41,241
My car broke down last week,

19
00:00:41,326 --> 00:00:43,443
and Caroline insisted, that we carpool.

20
00:00:43,578 --> 00:00:46,078
Did you know that she makes
people take off their shoes

21
00:00:46,197 --> 00:00:47,317
before getting into her car?

22
00:00:47,345 --> 00:00:48,547
She drives barefoot?

23
00:00:48,572 --> 00:00:51,573
No, she has driving slippers.

24
00:00:51,692 --> 00:00:53,692
And she sings children's songs.

25
00:00:53,778 --> 00:00:56,779
It makes me want to drink antifreeze.

26
00:00:59,533 --> 00:01:02,915
Ugh, God, why are there
so many kids around?

27
00:01:03,034 --> 00:01:04,114
I need a Gatorade, aspirin,

28
00:01:04,182 --> 00:01:05,504
and a Listerine Breath Strip.

29
00:01:05,589 --> 00:01:06,622
Hey, that's the same

30
00:01:06,707 --> 00:01:08,507
coochie skirt you wore last night.

31
00:01:08,592 --> 00:01:09,875
Did you go home with someone?

32
00:01:09,961 --> 00:01:12,428
No, and my sex life is
none of your business.

33
00:01:12,546 --> 00:01:15,464
You're the one who's always
bragging about your conquests.

34
00:01:15,549 --> 00:01:17,599
The Midwest regional manager
of Crepes Are Us.

35
00:01:17,718 --> 00:01:18,750
The semi-pro hockey player.

36
00:01:18,886 --> 00:01:20,719
The emcee at the aquarium whale show.

37
00:01:20,805 --> 00:01:23,272
So many high-powered men
fall in love with you

38
00:01:23,391 --> 00:01:24,306
for a night.

39
00:01:24,392 --> 00:01:26,725
Stop attacking me! God!

40
00:01:26,861 --> 00:01:29,478
I cannot help it if I attract
moguls and trendsetters.

41
00:01:30,731 --> 00:01:32,491
But I did not go home with
anyone last night.

42
00:01:32,566 --> 00:01:35,734
Uh, you texted me at the bar,

43
00:01:35,820 --> 00:01:38,620
"Peace out. Gotta go gargle some dong."

44
00:01:38,739 --> 00:01:40,539
Now, who'd you bang?

45
00:01:40,624 --> 00:01:41,740
I've decided to become

46
00:01:41,782 --> 00:01:42,992
a very private person since then.

47
00:01:43,077 --> 00:01:44,660
And I actually think that we should be

48
00:01:44,745 --> 00:01:45,825
a little bit more sensitive

49
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:46,996
about the information we share

50
00:01:47,081 --> 00:01:47,796
with each other.

51
00:01:47,915 --> 00:01:49,214
Now, if you will excuse me,

52
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:50,582
I have to go get some Vaseline

53
00:01:50,718 --> 00:01:52,918
to pry off my self-stick titty cutlets.

54
00:01:54,255 --> 00:01:56,055
And I appear to have lost one.

55
00:02:02,063 --> 00:02:02,895
Sweet cheeks!

56
00:02:02,980 --> 00:02:05,764
Sam, not here.

57
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:08,851
Ms. Snap, running late as usual.

58
00:02:08,936 --> 00:02:10,903
- Buzz off, Marty.
- Hey!

59
00:02:10,988 --> 00:02:12,488
You can't talk to me like that.

60
00:02:12,606 --> 00:02:14,406
I'm the liaison to the principal.

61
00:02:14,492 --> 00:02:17,359
You made that title up,
and it's embarrassing.

62
00:02:21,665 --> 00:02:24,083
Hey, um, can you cover
my class at noon today?

63
00:02:24,168 --> 00:02:26,085
- Yeah, what's up?
- I'm taking a half-day

64
00:02:26,170 --> 00:02:28,837
to go to the LGBTQIA protest downtown.

65
00:02:28,956 --> 00:02:30,589
I don't know what
all those letters stand for,

66
00:02:30,674 --> 00:02:32,389
but sure sounds fun.

67
00:02:32,475 --> 00:02:34,176
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,

68
00:02:34,295 --> 00:02:36,595
Transgender, Questioning,
Intersex, and Asexual.

69
00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,131
Oh, then I'll pray for you.

70
00:02:41,218 --> 00:02:44,470
No, no, no. I have to have the car today.

71
00:02:44,605 --> 00:02:47,389
Do I really need brake pads?

72
00:02:47,475 --> 00:02:48,640
Hey Debbie Doodle Dandy,

73
00:02:48,726 --> 00:02:50,059
I have to leave at 3:15.

74
00:02:50,144 --> 00:02:52,311
I have a bonsai trimming class at 4:00.

75
00:02:52,446 --> 00:02:54,229
Oh, you know what?

76
00:02:54,315 --> 00:02:55,447
Why don't you come?

77
00:02:55,533 --> 00:02:56,815
It'll be so much fun.

78
00:02:56,901 --> 00:02:59,201
It's like you're a giant among tiny trees.

79
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,537
Fee, fie, foe... green thumb!

80
00:03:01,655 --> 00:03:04,373
I just thought of that.

81
00:03:04,492 --> 00:03:06,542
Get me my car by 3:15 today

82
00:03:06,660 --> 00:03:08,410
and I will let you sniff my panties.

83
00:03:09,914 --> 00:03:12,164
Well, a lot of people are into that.

84
00:03:15,636 --> 00:03:17,586
Hey girl, it's my prep.

85
00:03:17,671 --> 00:03:19,171
I'm heading to Wendy's.

86
00:03:19,256 --> 00:03:20,506
Wanna come?

87
00:03:20,591 --> 00:03:22,641
Yeah, sure, I was not doing anything.

88
00:03:24,428 --> 00:03:26,512
Wow, your room's so clean.

89
00:03:26,647 --> 00:03:28,764
Is it? I didn't notice.

90
00:03:28,849 --> 00:03:30,182
Did someone power wash your windows?

91
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:31,600
I don't know what you are talking about...

92
00:03:31,685 --> 00:03:33,352
I'm just saying the janitor

93
00:03:33,487 --> 00:03:34,903
really went to town in here...

94
00:03:35,022 --> 00:03:36,572
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

95
00:03:36,690 --> 00:03:38,357
There is nothing going on around here.

96
00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:41,712
I'm sorry.

97
00:03:42,421 --> 00:03:43,787
Just a little "hangry."

98
00:03:50,129 --> 00:03:51,461
Hey, everyone.

99
00:03:51,597 --> 00:03:54,097
I'll be taking over for Ms. Cannon today.

100
00:03:54,183 --> 00:03:57,467
She's off supporting the LG...

101
00:03:59,021 --> 00:04:00,971
TCBY community.

102
00:04:01,106 --> 00:04:04,057
So, what is she teaching
you all, right now.

103
00:04:04,143 --> 00:04:06,693
- Science!
- Neato.

104
00:04:06,812 --> 00:04:08,812
We just learned how the world was created.

105
00:04:08,898 --> 00:04:12,399
The Earth is 4.5 billion years old.

106
00:04:12,484 --> 00:04:15,619
Well, that's what some people believe.

107
00:04:15,704 --> 00:04:17,654
- Some people?
- Sure.

108
00:04:17,740 --> 00:04:19,156
There are many different theories,

109
00:04:19,241 --> 00:04:20,824
and that's a great one.

110
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,960
So, let's talk about... lava.

111
00:04:25,881 --> 00:04:28,165
Wait, what's another theory?

112
00:04:30,252 --> 00:04:32,219
Well, at my church,

113
00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:35,889
we say the Earth is 6,000 years old.

114
00:04:36,008 --> 00:04:40,008
So, animals evolved in 6,000 years?

115
00:04:40,396 --> 00:04:43,180
If evolution was real, sure.

116
00:04:43,315 --> 00:04:45,065
Wait, evolution isn't real?

117
00:04:45,184 --> 00:04:48,278
It's a cool, kooky idea,

118
00:04:48,363 --> 00:04:50,528
but it's not what actually happened.

119
00:04:50,613 --> 00:04:52,031
So, we don't need to know about

120
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:55,742
Darwin or Neanderthals or
natural selection?

121
00:04:55,861 --> 00:04:58,695
Nope. Science is really simple

122
00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:02,366
when you realize it's all just God.

123
00:05:02,501 --> 00:05:05,836
- Cool.
- The coolest.

124
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,259
Ew.

125
00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:15,879
Yeah, Hunter Minsky's
gotta learn how to hold it.

126
00:05:16,015 --> 00:05:18,765
Sam, thank you for cleaning
my classroom so well,

127
00:05:18,884 --> 00:05:20,968
but you can't give me
extra attention like that.

128
00:05:21,053 --> 00:05:22,436
People are noticing.

129
00:05:22,554 --> 00:05:24,855
What happened last night
has to stay between us.

130
00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:31,301
You look really beautiful
under these fluorescent lights.

131
00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:32,612
I know.

132
00:05:32,731 --> 00:05:35,949
Listen, yes, you awoke
my sexual beast last night

133
00:05:36,068 --> 00:05:37,868
and yes, I have never allowed myself

134
00:05:37,953 --> 00:05:39,152
to let go like that before, but...

135
00:05:39,238 --> 00:05:41,238
Yeah, you broke a lot of shit at my place.

136
00:05:41,323 --> 00:05:43,874
Oh, my God, when you
took me on that Foosball table

137
00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:46,576
with that little soccer man up my butt...

138
00:05:48,414 --> 00:05:50,831
Why can't you respect my boundaries!

139
00:05:52,001 --> 00:05:53,717
I just want to keep this between us.

140
00:05:53,802 --> 00:05:56,670
- Why?
- Because...

141
00:05:56,755 --> 00:05:59,673
this is a professional environment.

142
00:05:59,758 --> 00:06:01,892
We can't acknowledge each other
on school grounds.

143
00:06:01,977 --> 00:06:02,893
Oh, yeah?

144
00:06:02,978 --> 00:06:06,978
Not even a little shrimping.

145
00:06:07,232 --> 00:06:10,934
Oh, there is always shrimp at this buffet.

146
00:06:16,358 --> 00:06:17,691
Wow.

147
00:06:19,862 --> 00:06:21,828
Uh, you're right, Sam.

148
00:06:21,947 --> 00:06:24,114
Hmm, this is definitely Sheetrock.

149
00:06:24,249 --> 00:06:27,617
Let's wait until Sam cleans
the computer lab, Lucy.

150
00:06:27,703 --> 00:06:30,954
It's way too hot and dirty
in here right now.

151
00:06:33,719 --> 00:06:36,126
♪ Have you ever heard a mermaid sing ♪

152
00:06:36,211 --> 00:06:37,828
♪ You don't know what you're missin' ♪

153
00:06:37,910 --> 00:06:39,806
♪ Have you ever heard a mermaid sing ♪

154
00:06:39,891 --> 00:06:41,712
♪ Just go to the sea and listen ♪

155
00:06:41,797 --> 00:06:44,498
♪ Cause a mermaid sings like this ♪

156
00:06:44,583 --> 00:06:47,250
♪ Bubba bubba glub glub,
bubba bubba glub glub ♪

157
00:06:47,386 --> 00:06:49,336
They're underwater.

158
00:06:49,421 --> 00:06:52,389
♪ And that's how a mermaid sings ♪

159
00:06:52,474 --> 00:06:54,091
Ooh, stoplight.

160
00:06:54,176 --> 00:06:56,560
Gotta wet wipe the dashboard.

161
00:06:57,563 --> 00:06:58,678
You know what, Caroline,

162
00:06:58,764 --> 00:07:00,347
I'm not gonna need a ride home tonight.

163
00:07:00,432 --> 00:07:01,932
Don't be silly.

164
00:07:02,017 --> 00:07:03,817
Here, I'm gonna lint roll
you before we get to school.

165
00:07:03,936 --> 00:07:04,936
No! We're done.

166
00:07:05,070 --> 00:07:08,488
The cleaning, the singing,
the driving slippers...

167
00:07:08,607 --> 00:07:12,275
I keep praying for a head-on collision.

168
00:07:12,361 --> 00:07:13,944
No more rides!

169
00:07:18,784 --> 00:07:20,083
♪ Bubba bubba glub glub ♪

170
00:07:20,169 --> 00:07:21,618
♪ Bubba bubba glub glub ♪

171
00:07:23,565 --> 00:07:25,125
Thanks for covering my class yesterday.

172
00:07:25,150 --> 00:07:27,400
No problem, they were angels.

173
00:07:27,485 --> 00:07:29,402
- How was your protest?
- Great.

174
00:07:29,488 --> 00:07:32,039
We're fighting
for asexual domestic partners.

175
00:07:32,124 --> 00:07:33,874
Just because you're just friends

176
00:07:33,959 --> 00:07:35,439
doesn't mean you should be uninsured.

177
00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:43,333
Hey, I just wanted to apologize

178
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:44,668
for what you witnessed yesterday.

179
00:07:44,754 --> 00:07:46,136
It's totally cool.

180
00:07:46,255 --> 00:07:47,805
I told Lucy you were
just seeing who's taller.

181
00:07:47,923 --> 00:07:50,591
Please don't
tell anybody about what you saw.

182
00:07:50,726 --> 00:07:53,927
You dry humping the man
who pulled a dead raccoon

183
00:07:54,013 --> 00:07:55,646
out of the ceiling with a rake?

184
00:07:55,765 --> 00:07:58,432
Exactly. He is a janitor,

185
00:07:58,567 --> 00:08:01,735
and I have a reputation to uphold.

186
00:08:01,821 --> 00:08:04,405
But it was the best sex

187
00:08:04,490 --> 00:08:06,106
of my life.

188
00:08:06,192 --> 00:08:07,858
And I've had a lot of sex.

189
00:08:07,943 --> 00:08:08,859
But not in a slutty way.

190
00:08:08,944 --> 00:08:10,661
Wow, Sam?

191
00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:13,330
Normally, men treat me like
a delicate flower.

192
00:08:13,449 --> 00:08:16,200
But he took me like a wild stag
that had just

193
00:08:16,285 --> 00:08:18,419
gored the alpha male for the privilege.

194
00:08:18,504 --> 00:08:19,586
Oh, I loved it!

195
00:08:19,672 --> 00:08:20,704
Holy balls.

196
00:08:20,790 --> 00:08:23,040
Yeah... but you have to
keep this on the down low.

197
00:08:23,125 --> 00:08:24,508
I won't say anything if you can get him

198
00:08:24,627 --> 00:08:27,211
to snag me a whole bunch of TP.

199
00:08:27,296 --> 00:08:29,346
Ever since they put locks
on the dispensers,

200
00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:31,265
I've been stealing paper towels.

201
00:08:31,350 --> 00:08:33,350
It's tearing me up.

202
00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:35,052
Deal.

203
00:08:42,812 --> 00:08:44,611
Oh Mylanta, Chelsea.

204
00:08:44,697 --> 00:08:47,314
I can't believe you're
canoodling with the janitor.

205
00:08:47,399 --> 00:08:48,949
Very Downton Abbey.

206
00:08:49,034 --> 00:08:50,901
Except without the elegance or manners.

207
00:08:50,986 --> 00:08:52,286
I'm proud of you

208
00:08:52,371 --> 00:08:54,538
for giving up your obsession
with power and money.

209
00:08:54,657 --> 00:08:55,906
Before you know it, you'll be riding

210
00:08:55,991 --> 00:08:57,324
public transportation.

211
00:08:58,661 --> 00:08:59,960
Feldman!

212
00:09:00,045 --> 00:09:01,912
Sorry, dawg, it just came up

213
00:09:01,997 --> 00:09:04,214
in the natural flow of conversation.

214
00:09:04,333 --> 00:09:06,133
Have you noticed how clean
Chelsea's room is?

215
00:09:06,218 --> 00:09:08,836
The floors aren't
the only thing Sam polished.

216
00:09:08,921 --> 00:09:11,138
Did you hear Principal Pearson
had a fender bender

217
00:09:11,223 --> 00:09:12,473
in the parking lot?

218
00:09:12,558 --> 00:09:15,676
Interesting that you bring up
rear ending...

219
00:09:16,812 --> 00:09:18,061
Hey, wanna go out to eat?

220
00:09:18,180 --> 00:09:19,763
Speaking of eating out...

221
00:09:19,849 --> 00:09:21,732
Ooh, an American goldfinch.

222
00:09:21,851 --> 00:09:23,350
Snap [BLEEP] Sam.

223
00:09:23,435 --> 00:09:27,321
So, I guess it's back to paper
towels and chafing?

224
00:09:29,358 --> 00:09:30,574
This is out of control.

225
00:09:30,693 --> 00:09:32,075
I've gotta end things with Sam

226
00:09:32,194 --> 00:09:33,554
before the whole school finds out.

227
00:09:33,579 --> 00:09:34,778
Chelsea...

228
00:09:36,949 --> 00:09:38,749
Maybe we shouldn't have said anything.

229
00:09:38,868 --> 00:09:40,584
We've all been with people we regret.

230
00:09:40,703 --> 00:09:42,669
I slept with a manager of a Chick-fil-A.

231
00:09:42,755 --> 00:09:45,372
I slept with a dude
in an adult a cappella group.

232
00:09:45,508 --> 00:09:48,342
I sharted at a Josh Groban concert.

233
00:09:49,628 --> 00:09:51,378
What? We're all just saying

234
00:09:51,514 --> 00:09:53,555
embarrassing things we did, right?

235
00:10:03,976 --> 00:10:07,394
Hey guys, did Ms. Bennigan
teach you science yesterday?

236
00:10:07,479 --> 00:10:09,563
Yep. And she made it so easy.

237
00:10:09,648 --> 00:10:11,565
What exactly did she teach you?

238
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:13,150
That evolution isn't real.

239
00:10:13,235 --> 00:10:14,755
- What?
- And that science is something

240
00:10:14,787 --> 00:10:18,322
atheists cling to to justify
their immoral lifestyle.

241
00:10:19,658 --> 00:10:22,075
I left her a lesson plan right here.

242
00:10:25,214 --> 00:10:26,914
What's going on?

243
00:10:26,999 --> 00:10:29,967
We're praying for you.

244
00:10:30,085 --> 00:10:31,995
Amen.

245
00:10:35,424 --> 00:10:39,424
Oh, gross. Sam, I can't do this anymore.

246
00:10:39,511 --> 00:10:42,062
You're a janitor and I'm
a well-respected educator.

247
00:10:42,147 --> 00:10:44,648
I give the other teachers
something to aspire to.

248
00:10:44,767 --> 00:10:45,649
If they see me with you,

249
00:10:45,768 --> 00:10:47,234
what kind of message does that send?

250
00:10:47,319 --> 00:10:49,436
That you have good taste in men.

251
00:10:49,572 --> 00:10:50,687
No, I am not gonna be
in a relationship with someone

252
00:10:50,773 --> 00:10:52,606
who cleans up vomit for a living.

253
00:10:52,741 --> 00:10:54,661
So you don't want me
to snake your drain anymore?

254
00:10:54,777 --> 00:10:57,911
Oh, God damn it, why is that so hot?

255
00:10:59,698 --> 00:11:03,083
- Oh, you like that?
- Oh, yeah, big mama likes!

256
00:11:03,168 --> 00:11:06,286
What the holy hell is going on here?

257
00:11:07,456 --> 00:11:09,089
I was just teaching Sam to read.

258
00:11:09,174 --> 00:11:11,708
Really? Is the book down your skirt?

259
00:11:24,209 --> 00:11:25,992
Disinfect, please.

260
00:11:26,128 --> 00:11:28,795
I am disappointed in both of you...

261
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,047
Especially you, Sam.

262
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:32,924
This is a professional environment,

263
00:11:33,009 --> 00:11:35,593
and relationships
like this are not permitted.

264
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,931
If this continues, I will be forced

265
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,600
to report you both to Principal Pearson.

266
00:11:41,686 --> 00:11:42,601
That won't be necessary.

267
00:11:42,687 --> 00:11:43,936
I was just telling Sam that...

268
00:11:44,021 --> 00:11:45,604
It's fine. I don't want to be

269
00:11:45,690 --> 00:11:47,823
in a relationship with her.

270
00:11:47,942 --> 00:11:49,158
What?

271
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,276
I just don't want to be with you anymore.

272
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:52,611
Then that's settled.

273
00:11:52,697 --> 00:11:55,364
No, it is not settled.

274
00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:57,533
You would be lucky to have me.

275
00:11:57,618 --> 00:11:58,617
This is like a football player

276
00:11:58,753 --> 00:12:00,786
not accepting the Heisman Trophy.

277
00:12:00,871 --> 00:12:02,621
I just realized that you're superficial

278
00:12:02,707 --> 00:12:04,373
and you care too much
about what people think.

279
00:12:04,458 --> 00:12:06,508
You don't know me at all.

280
00:12:06,627 --> 00:12:08,589
I do not care what people think.

281
00:12:09,463 --> 00:12:11,380
I just want everyone to like me.

282
00:12:11,465 --> 00:12:14,133
Look, I'm sorry,

283
00:12:14,218 --> 00:12:16,268
just not gonna happen.

284
00:12:16,354 --> 00:12:18,971
Thought you'd be relieved.

285
00:12:23,194 --> 00:12:24,643
Did he just reject me?

286
00:12:26,814 --> 00:12:28,947
Why aren't you answering me?

287
00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:31,984
Oh, my God, this is a dream.

288
00:12:32,069 --> 00:12:34,703
This has to be a dream.

289
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,790
If this is a dream, wake me up!

290
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:48,167
Oh, God, it smells like him.

291
00:12:52,006 --> 00:12:53,338
Are you okay?

292
00:12:54,258 --> 00:12:55,507
I'm fine.

293
00:12:55,593 --> 00:12:56,675
I'm just grading papers.

294
00:12:56,811 --> 00:12:58,227
Did you break up with Sam?

295
00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:01,513
No, he broke up with me.

296
00:13:01,649 --> 00:13:05,150
I have never had this happen to me before.

297
00:13:05,236 --> 00:13:06,735
It hurts!

298
00:13:11,492 --> 00:13:13,692
Hey, you wanna grab some hot wings

299
00:13:13,778 --> 00:13:16,995
and go eye bone the construction
dudes across the street?

300
00:13:17,081 --> 00:13:21,033
Oh, my God, you feel sorry for me.

301
00:13:21,118 --> 00:13:23,202
I am not this person.

302
00:13:23,287 --> 00:13:25,003
I've gotta go get him back.

303
00:13:25,089 --> 00:13:26,705
Oh!

304
00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:30,843
He waxed it.

305
00:13:35,049 --> 00:13:37,883
Why did you give my class
copies of "The God Delusion"?

306
00:13:37,968 --> 00:13:39,885
Because you taught my class creationism.

307
00:13:39,970 --> 00:13:42,137
Well, they started asking me
all these questions,

308
00:13:42,223 --> 00:13:44,973
so I offered them
both sides of the argument.

309
00:13:45,059 --> 00:13:46,558
I can't help it if they chose the one

310
00:13:46,644 --> 00:13:47,893
that makes the most sense.

311
00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:49,728
Evolution makes the most sense.

312
00:13:49,864 --> 00:13:51,897
They chose God because it's easier.

313
00:13:51,982 --> 00:13:53,782
Evolution's just a bunch of jumbo mumbo.

314
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:56,201
If humans evolved from monkeys,

315
00:13:56,287 --> 00:13:57,953
then why do monkeys still exist?

316
00:13:58,072 --> 00:13:59,905
Humans didn't evolve from monkeys.

317
00:13:59,990 --> 00:14:02,074
- So you agree.
- You're being ignorant!

318
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,743
You taught creationism to 194th graders.

319
00:14:04,829 --> 00:14:06,949
You basically just created
a whole new set of Duggars.

320
00:14:06,997 --> 00:14:09,331
I thought you, of all people,
would respect my beliefs.

321
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,583
No, because your beliefs are stupid.

322
00:14:15,973 --> 00:14:18,507
You're always
standing up for everybody else.

323
00:14:18,592 --> 00:14:20,809
Why won't you stand up for me?

324
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,928
Last week, you made us all sign a petition

325
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:29,101
to protect the albino narwhal...
The albino narwhal!

326
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:30,602
Don't you see?

327
00:14:30,738 --> 00:14:33,856
I'm the albino narwhal!

328
00:14:48,923 --> 00:14:50,839
What're you doing?

329
00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:52,708
I'm throwing away garbage
like a garbage man

330
00:14:52,793 --> 00:14:55,794
because I don't care
what people think of me.

331
00:15:00,601 --> 00:15:01,761
You look weird. Are you sick?

332
00:15:01,802 --> 00:15:04,269
No, I'm just not wearing makeup.

333
00:15:04,355 --> 00:15:05,637
Because I'm not superficial.

334
00:15:07,024 --> 00:15:09,775
Fine. I'm wearing
a tinted moisturizer with SPF...

335
00:15:09,860 --> 00:15:11,143
I'm not an animal!

336
00:15:13,731 --> 00:15:16,899
- Chelsea. Chelsea.
- What?

337
00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,701
When I said that you cared too
much about what people think,

338
00:15:19,820 --> 00:15:21,403
I was talking about you being ashamed

339
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:23,071
of people knowing about us.

340
00:15:23,157 --> 00:15:24,157
Oh.

341
00:15:26,660 --> 00:15:28,460
Hey, look...

342
00:15:30,714 --> 00:15:34,166
You're beautiful, you're smart,

343
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:38,301
and your nastier than a New Orleans sewer,

344
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:41,840
but I just can't be with someone
who's embarrassed of me.

345
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:50,682
You have garbage water leaking
into your shoes.

346
00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:02,661
Hey, Caroline.

347
00:16:04,865 --> 00:16:07,416
I got a call from my mechanic.

348
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:08,417
My car's ready.

349
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:09,701
Oh, what a relief for you.

350
00:16:09,837 --> 00:16:10,869
You'll never have to listen to.

351
00:16:10,955 --> 00:16:12,621
"On Top of Spaghetti" again.

352
00:16:12,706 --> 00:16:13,622
I had fun...

353
00:16:13,707 --> 00:16:15,123
Don't lie.

354
00:16:15,209 --> 00:16:17,509
I saw your face when I told you
about my Anne Geddes wall.

355
00:16:17,595 --> 00:16:19,711
Caroline, I'm sorry.

356
00:16:19,797 --> 00:16:21,013
I was a jerk.

357
00:16:21,098 --> 00:16:25,300
How about, I pick you up for work tomorrow?

358
00:16:27,271 --> 00:16:29,354
Okay, fine.

359
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:30,689
It'll be nice.

360
00:16:30,774 --> 00:16:31,974
We can do a morning your way.

361
00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:34,443
Great. My brakes are still
a little screwed up.

362
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:37,779
So, I'll honk the horn when
I'm a block away and coast by.

363
00:16:37,898 --> 00:16:40,032
You gotta jump in.

364
00:16:45,289 --> 00:16:48,790
I had sex with Sam, and I loved it.

365
00:16:48,909 --> 00:16:50,659
I loved the way his calloused hands

366
00:16:50,744 --> 00:16:53,245
both stimulated and exfoliated me.

367
00:16:53,330 --> 00:16:55,414
I loved the way that he thrust into me

368
00:16:55,549 --> 00:16:57,582
like he was plunging a toilet.

369
00:16:57,718 --> 00:16:59,968
I love that we banged so many times

370
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:02,254
I'm having phantom hump sensations.

371
00:17:10,064 --> 00:17:13,565
I don't care what anyone thinks,

372
00:17:13,651 --> 00:17:16,485
I love having sex

373
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:19,571
with Sam the janitor.

374
00:17:19,657 --> 00:17:21,273
Judge away, America!

375
00:17:38,342 --> 00:17:39,791
Boom.

376
00:17:43,248 --> 00:17:44,697
You sure you don't want a fish taco?

377
00:17:44,783 --> 00:17:46,699
No, thank you.

378
00:17:48,837 --> 00:17:50,203
Son of a bitch!

379
00:17:50,288 --> 00:17:51,921
You gonna cut me off?

380
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,541
Oh, stoplight, the great equalizer.

381
00:18:00,015 --> 00:18:03,633
What... Deb, what're you doing?

382
00:18:05,053 --> 00:18:07,887
Hey, outta the car, you piece of shit!

383
00:18:08,023 --> 00:18:09,472
Get back in your car, you crazy bitch.

384
00:18:09,558 --> 00:18:11,224
What did you say to me?

385
00:18:11,309 --> 00:18:13,693
Hey, come on. No! No!

386
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,525
Oh, my God.

387
00:18:16,661 --> 00:18:18,027
What're you, kidding me?

388
00:18:18,162 --> 00:18:19,445
Oh, come on.

389
00:18:19,530 --> 00:18:21,280
These Lyft drivers think they own the road.

390
00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:22,531
Why?

391
00:18:29,674 --> 00:18:32,708
Before we start the day,
should we say a little prayer?

392
00:18:32,844 --> 00:18:34,293
What?

393
00:18:34,379 --> 00:18:37,129
I think we're too hard
on Christians in this country.

394
00:18:37,215 --> 00:18:40,683
In fact, they should be
applauded and supported

395
00:18:40,768 --> 00:18:43,519
for holding tightly onto their beliefs.

396
00:18:43,605 --> 00:18:45,137
Even when presented with solid evidence

397
00:18:45,172 --> 00:18:46,961
that unequivocally refutes them.

398
00:18:47,475 --> 00:18:50,367
So, bless this bagel...

399
00:18:51,229 --> 00:18:52,561
God.

400
00:19:01,205 --> 00:19:04,073
I couldn't remember all the letters,

401
00:19:04,158 --> 00:19:06,459
but I think it's close.

402
00:19:06,577 --> 00:19:10,162
I just want you to know that
I appreciate liberals like you

403
00:19:10,248 --> 00:19:12,181
and the way you judge us.

404
00:19:12,250 --> 00:19:13,549
It's a nice reminder that

405
00:19:13,635 --> 00:19:16,252
the real judgment will one day be upon us.