1
00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:32,574
Please welcome to the stage
Hannibal Buress!

2
00:00:44,252 --> 00:00:46,171
What's up, Minneapolis?

3
00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,382
Thank you.

4
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:53,345
Thank you, Minneapolis!

5
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:56,098
Yeah!

6
00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:01,394
Yeah.

7
00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:08,902
A lot of people were asking me, why am I
filming my special in Minneapolis?

8
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:09,987
Why?

9
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:15,408
Even people in Minneapolis were like,
"Why are you doing this?"

10
00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:20,873
"Why are you doing this?"
And it's because...

11
00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:24,417
The rest of the country doesn't know this,
but touring comedians...

12
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:27,295
know and recognize Minneapolis

13
00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:30,423
as one of the best cities
to perform comedy in.

14
00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:31,591
You know? I'm just sayin'.

15
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:39,266
And also,

16
00:01:39,349 --> 00:01:42,144
four years ago,
I had a threesome here, and...

17
00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:47,065
I chase that moment with every visit I...

18
00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:51,403
Every time I return, I chase that moment.

19
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:58,326
I gotta tell y'all something.
There's something I have to tell you guys.

20
00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:00,578
These are fake glasses.

21
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,874
I don't wear... I got...
These are fake glasses.

22
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:07,544
I just wear these glasses
to make you comfortable,

23
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:10,505
'cause that's how I am on television.
With glasses on.

24
00:02:12,675 --> 00:02:15,343
But I don't wear glasses anymore.
I got LASIK.

25
00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:17,888
Look, these are fake.
Watch this.

26
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:28,148
It's fake glasses.

27
00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:30,317
I'll do this, too.
I don't need this.

28
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:35,613
I got LASIK eyeball surgery.

29
00:02:35,698 --> 00:02:38,491
LASIK surgery, perfect vision.

30
00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:39,660
Perfect goddamn...

31
00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:43,288
Hey, don't cheer for me
like I won a raffle or some shit.

32
00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:44,665
I paid for it, full price.

33
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:47,292
These ain't no Kickstarter
eyes right here.

34
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,170
One swipe, the transaction was done.

35
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,424
No downside to LASIK.

36
00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:56,969
Except for the fact
that without my glasses,

37
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:59,304
I sort of look like how Milhouse
from <i>The Simpsons</i>

38
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:01,014
looked like without his glasses.

39
00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:05,060
I have very beady,
shady little eyes.

40
00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:07,855
But besides that,
it's been smooth sailing.

41
00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:12,818
I see all types of stuff
I wasn't able to see.

42
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,153
Even with my glasses,
I was missing details.

43
00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:19,491
Like, sir, you in the balcony,
all the way in the back,

44
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:22,327
in the center, with my LASIK...

45
00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,204
I can see...

46
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:25,748
that you're a real piece of shit.

47
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:30,043
And I wasn't able to see stuff like that.

48
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,755
I wasn't able to make easy
dumb-ass jokes like that either.

49
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:36,341
But lately, I've been firing 'em off
all the time, and the people love it.

50
00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:40,553
You have to sign a waiver
when you get LASIK.

51
00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,180
You can't just get it.

52
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:46,143
I signed a waiver that said that
if I went blind because of the surgery,

53
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:50,605
they could just say, "Sorry about that,"
and that would be the end of it.

54
00:03:50,688 --> 00:03:54,151
I signed a piece of paper that stated
if I went blind because of the surgery,

55
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,568
they could just say, "Our bad,"

56
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:58,739
and they would hand me a cane,
some sunglasses and some jazz CDs.

57
00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:02,325
And then send me
on my lonely blind-ass way.

58
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:09,166
And I'm glad I didn't go blind.
I'm really glad... I didn't go blind.

59
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,377
That would have been
incredibly ironic to go blind

60
00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,337
in the quest for perfect eyesight.

61
00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:19,217
I don't want to go blind.
I'm 32, I'm a young guy.

62
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,887
There's still lots of shit
I want to see out there.

63
00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:25,348
Like, they set up the movie
<i>Guardians of the Galaxy</i> to be a sequel.

64
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,313
I definitely wanna see that shit.

65
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,440
I don't wanna go to that movie
as a blind man.

66
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:34,942
Even though the dialog
will probably be dope,

67
00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:37,735
they'll still charge me for 3D and shit,
'cause they're petty.

68
00:04:37,820 --> 00:04:40,864
Corporate, they suck.
They don't care about blind people.

69
00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:45,743
I don't want to go back to
jacking off to my imagination.

70
00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,621
Not ready for that.

71
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,583
Also, I don't wanna make
the tough transition

72
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:53,626
of being a newly blind comedian.

73
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,297
Even though my ticket sales
would probably skyrocket

74
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,007
'cause of the curiosity factor.

75
00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:02,845
"Wait, so you're telling me
he wasn't blind, now he is blind,

76
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,096
and he's doing stand-up?

77
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:08,475
All right, I'll check that shit out!
All right, I'm interested!

78
00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:09,601
Where's he playing?

79
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:13,146
Eleven shows at Target Field?
Holy shit!"

80
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:16,608
"Yeah, it's crazy. They're moving
some Twins games to accommodate him."

81
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,946
People will get to the gig
and be pissed...

82
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,116
'cause all my blind material will suck.
It wouldn't be good jokes.

83
00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:25,993
It would be awful material I churned out

84
00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,620
to feed the beast
that's my growing fan base.

85
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:32,540
Just awful jokes, like, "Uh...

86
00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:35,543
you ever smell, uh...

87
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,964
So, anyways, I was at the bakery.

88
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,799
Talk about sensory overload.

89
00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:46,930
So, yeah, the other day,
I was touching some stucco.

90
00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:50,183
At least I think it was stucco.

91
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:52,644
Shit, man.
I don't know, I'm blind.

92
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:53,896
Turn up.
What else?

93
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,688
Where are you guys from?
No, you guys.

94
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:58,733
I don't know who I'm talking to right now.
I'm just having fun.

95
00:05:58,816 --> 00:06:01,945
Minneapolis! Target Field, holy shit!"

96
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:07,367
Did you know...

97
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:08,994
that there's an
Internet conspiracy going on

98
00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:12,372
suggesting that Stevie Wonder
isn't really blind.

99
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:13,665
Now...

100
00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:17,335
I think Stevie Wonder is blind,
I just think it'd be funny if he wasn't.

101
00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:20,505
I think that'd be funny if Stevie Wonder,
out of nowhere,

102
00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:23,800
did an interview with Oprah,
said, "Oprah...

103
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,929
I never said I was blind.

104
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,474
I just like doing this shit all the time.
That's it.

105
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,560
I like doing this.
I like wearing sunglasses.

106
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:36,104
And I love singing songs with my friends.
That's all."

107
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:41,276
I think Stevie Wonder's blind.
I just think it'd be funny if he wasn't.

108
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:44,612
And if Stevie Wonder came out
as being able to see...

109
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:48,283
it would give all the other children
that have been faking like they're blind

110
00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:50,285
the courage to do the same thing.

111
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:56,708
I think Stevie Wonder's blind,

112
00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:59,419
but he does some weird stuff
for a blind dude.

113
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:02,422
He goes to NBA games and sits courtside.

114
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:06,426
What are you doing courtside?

115
00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,553
You just really like
the smell of competition?

116
00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:11,473
Why are you there, Stevie?

117
00:07:12,849 --> 00:07:15,768
How do you even explain basketball
to a blind man?

118
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:18,855
"Hey, Stevie, Ricky Rubio
just laid the ball up."

119
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:21,108
"Okay, cool.

120
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:23,026
What's a layup?"

121
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,112
"Oh, it's when you lay the ball up
off of the backboard,

122
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:26,404
it goes through the rim of the net."

123
00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:28,949
"Okay, cool. What's a backboard?
What's a rim? What's a net?

124
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:32,535
Who is Ricky Rubio? Who are you?
And what city am I in right now?

125
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:36,164
I've never smelt this city before.
Siri, what city am I in right now?

126
00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:38,458
Siri...
location, please."

127
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:44,297
I know that joke seems harsh.

128
00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:46,799
But it's okay.

129
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:52,389
I can do that bit,
because one of my best friends...

130
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,183
is gay, so...

131
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:57,310
you could talk about whatever you want.

132
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:04,692
I'm 32... 32 years old.
It's a meaningless age, 32.

133
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:07,154
It's a goofy, meaningless age.

134
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,405
Thirty means something.

135
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,241
Thirty is a milestone,
it's worth celebrating.

136
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,659
I'm not gonna celebrate...

137
00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:16,246
My friend's turning 30...
"Come to my 32nd birthday party!"

138
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:19,416
No, you go to a dinner with one person
and you go to bed.

139
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,625
I'm not coming...

140
00:08:20,708 --> 00:08:23,420
I'm not coming
to your 32nd birthday party.

141
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,131
Go to dinner.
Go to bed, loser.

142
00:08:29,301 --> 00:08:30,593
Thirty-one...

143
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,595
is meaningless.

144
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,932
At least when you're 31,
you still have days on a calendar

145
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,768
that match up with your age.

146
00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:42,897
So, if you're 31,
you can say goofy shit.

147
00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:46,151
"I'm 31! It's the 31st!"
You can say goofy shit like that.

148
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:49,279
You probably shouldn't,
but you could if you wanted to.

149
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,618
But 32 symbolizes the end of that era.

150
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:58,871
And one thing I don't like doing at 32...

151
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:02,584
I don't like showing my ID
to get into bars.

152
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,502
'Cause I feel like...

153
00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:06,963
you could tell that I'm not 20.

154
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:10,383
There's easier ways than showing ID.

155
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,845
I feel like, if you speak to me
and I speak back, I think you get it.

156
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:17,265
"Hey, what's up? How's it going?"
"I'm good, how are you?"

157
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:21,728
"All right, come in."

158
00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:26,023
"Wait a second, did you check his ID?"
"No, I just spoke to him for two seconds.

159
00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:27,275
Saved everybody some time."

160
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,444
I don't like showing my ID.

161
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:31,196
"ID, please?"
"You want ID?

162
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,573
How about you look into my eyes?

163
00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:36,868
Do I look like I have
the soul of a 20-year-old at all?

164
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:40,080
You see all this bitterness
and shit in my eyes?"

165
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,002
"ID, please?"
"You want ID?

166
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,171
How about you look at my body?

167
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:53,385
Do I look like I have the metabolism
of a 20-year-old at all?

168
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:56,263
I don't have a metabolism anymore.
Everything just stays."

169
00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:02,227
Also...

170
00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:06,398
there's certain situations
where I don't wanna show ID.

171
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:07,482
Certain situations.

172
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:09,817
One time, me and some friends
had a layover at Minneapolis Airport.

173
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:12,237
It's about 11:00 in the morning
on a Sunday.

174
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,030
And we ordered some breakfast.

175
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,908
And I say, "Hey, let's get some
Bloody Marys for the table."

176
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:20,537
And the waitress says,
"Oh, Bloody Marys? ID, please?"

177
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,664
"Oh, you need ID?

178
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:26,793
You want ID 'cause that's what
the kids are getting into these days?

179
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,337
Who knew these kids
were coming to the airport

180
00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:32,924
and getting fucked up
on Bloody Marys and mimosas?

181
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:37,262
These teenagers are out of control
with their raging airport brunches.

182
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,472
'Cause that's definitely...

183
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,890
That's what I was doing
when I was growing up in Chicago.

184
00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:45,853
Me and my buddies, every Sunday,
we would go to O'Hare Airport.

185
00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:49,232
We would buy the cheapest
one-way plane ticket we could find,

186
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:53,236
and we would drink mimosas
and Bloody Marys,

187
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,405
stuffing our faces with frittatas.

188
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,658
Oh, those crazy brunches!
Oh, man!

189
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:02,829
We would just talk about whatever.
Girls and sports and our teachers!

190
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,581
Oh, do I miss those days!

191
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,792
Oh, my high school brunch crew!
Oh, do I miss them!

192
00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,544
Oh, to be a boy again!

193
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,380
Here's my ID, lady.
Let's keep it moving."

194
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:22,224
Last summer, in the middle of a tour,
I lost my ID.

195
00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:23,808
Which sucked.

196
00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:28,313
But what I found is that you can fly
domestically without ID.

197
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:30,773
Which makes sense.

198
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:33,025
It'd be weird if you showed up
to the airport and they said,

199
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:35,570
"Oh, sorry,
you don't have ID? Oh...

200
00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:38,281
I hate to tell you, but...

201
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,992
I guess you live in Dallas now.

202
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:48,583
I think you need to start a new life
here in Dallas,

203
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,043
and work hard until you get a new ID.

204
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:55,298
And then you could use that ID to fly back
to your old life and get your old ID."

205
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:02,430
No, you can fly without ID.

206
00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:08,185
TSA treats you like you lost your ID
just to disturb their day, though.

207
00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:12,732
They treat you horribly
if you forgot your ID.

208
00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:16,611
They give you a thorough, full-body
pat down if you don't have your ID,

209
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:20,907
as if you might've just lost it
in your own asshole on accident.

210
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,496
They search your bag,

211
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:29,541
they give your bag a thorough search
if you don't have your ID,

212
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:32,669
as if that'll be the time
to commit a terrorist act.

213
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:33,836
"Yeah, I don't have my ID,

214
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,339
but this plane needs to go down
no matter what.

215
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:39,509
I had a goal, I need to follow through,
that's what Tony Robbins told me.

216
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,886
I gotta follow through with my goals.

217
00:12:41,969 --> 00:12:43,137
If I don't follow through with this goal,

218
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:46,140
then that pattern of behavior is gonna
spill over to other aspects of my life.

219
00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:47,767
I can't have that happening."

220
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:53,773
So I found that I was able to travel
with relative ease...

221
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:58,110
with no ID.
I was able to check into most hotels.

222
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:02,657
Most hotels. Not the Embassy Suites
in Downey, California.

223
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:05,034
They are very much sticklers
for the rules.

224
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:07,203
I show up at the Embassy Suites,

225
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:09,497
I had my script ready
'cause I had been doing this a few trips.

226
00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:11,583
So I said, "I'm sorry,
I don't have my ID.

227
00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:15,337
What I do have is a copy of that ID,
I have a copy of my passport,

228
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:17,088
I have the credit card
I booked the reservation with,

229
00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:19,924
I have my birth certificate,
a prescription medicine label,

230
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:21,843
and one piece of mail.

231
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,678
I know that this is not physical ID,

232
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:26,598
but I feel like these six items
are more than enough

233
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:29,767
for me to check into
your two-and-a-half-star hotel."

234
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:37,359
And the lady says, "No!

235
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:40,528
No, no, you need
a physical government ID!"

236
00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:43,698
I was a bit thrown off,
'cause I was trying to give her so much,

237
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:45,950
she wasn't trying to help me at all.

238
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:49,579
I was like, how do I prove that I'm me?
I gotta think outside of the box.

239
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,998
"All right, lady, can I order
Chinese food on my phone?

240
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:54,250
And the guy shows up,
'Chinese food for Hannibal.'

241
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:57,712
Is that ID? No? Okay.

242
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,756
Yeah, can I call my mom
on speaker phone?

243
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,215
And she's like, 'Hey, Hannibal.'

244
00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:02,717
'Hey, Ma.'

245
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,218
'Sounds like you, Hannibal.'

246
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:06,386
"Cause it is me, Ma.'
Is that...

247
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,892
Is that ID? A mother's acknowledgment
of my voice is not ID?

248
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,603
What ID is better that that?
Oh, you a tough one. Shit.

249
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,773
Okay. Oh, perfect. This is all right.
You got a computer right there.

250
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,232
Ah, now, we're good.

251
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:20,276
'Cause I got a website.
It's hannibalburess.com.

252
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,528
You can go on that website,

253
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:24,572
there's pictures of me,
there's videos of me,

254
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:27,659
speaking in a similar manner
that I'm speaking to you right now."

255
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:33,122
And she says,
"No, I'm not looking at that.

256
00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:34,999
You might've just made that website up."

257
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:38,044
"What? What, you maniac?

258
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:42,214
Are you suggesting that I learned
how to design websites,

259
00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:45,510
so one day,
I can sneak into the Embassy Suites?

260
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:51,433
In Downey, California,
35 miles south of Los Angeles, you maniac?

261
00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:53,309
Is that what you're saying right now?

262
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:57,188
Are you saying that I started Twitter
and Instagram accounts with the same name,

263
00:14:57,271 --> 00:15:00,692
worked and built a following
over the years, so one day,

264
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:05,321
I can sneak into the $110-a-night
Embassy Suites in Downey, California?

265
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,114
$64 on Priceline.

266
00:15:07,198 --> 00:15:09,617
Is that what you're saying to me
right now, you maniac?"

267
00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:17,500
"Are you suggesting

268
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:21,170
that five years ago
I hired David Letterman

269
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:24,591
to introduce me on his show
as Hannibal Buress...

270
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,010
with a studio audience there,

271
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:32,098
and he let me do five minutes
of stand-up as Hannibal Buress,

272
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,266
just so one day,

273
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,436
one glorious day,

274
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:37,979
everything would come together

275
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:40,857
and I would be able to sneak
into the Embassy Suites,

276
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:46,195
the likely bed-bug-riddled Embassy Suites
in Downey, California?

277
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:48,573
Is that what you're saying,
you maniac, you?"

278
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:52,243
By now, I'm shaking with anger.
I was so angry.

279
00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:55,162
If my name was Bruce Banner,
I would've been green at this point.

280
00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:56,247
I was pissed off.

281
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:58,500
I wanted to mess that lobby up,
I wanted to kick the door in,

282
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:00,960
flip the couch, knock her computer over,
throw all the magazines,

283
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,087
'cause then she would've
got on her phone, dialed 911,

284
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,756
"911...

285
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:08,092
Hannibal Buress is in the lobby right now,
and he's fuckin' shit up--"

286
00:16:08,175 --> 00:16:10,386
"Oh, now you know my name,
you wench, you?"

287
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,270
Yeah.

288
00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:23,357
I'm trying to bring back "wench."

289
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:29,071
I'm trying to bring back
old terms, like "wench."

290
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,116
"Toots."

291
00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:35,369
And I invite women
back to my hotel room for...

292
00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:36,829
heavy pettin'.

293
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:47,254
All right, sit down.
You're ruining the shot, all right?

294
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:55,682
Oh... comedy.

295
00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,563
I try to find inspiration
where I can, you know?

296
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,524
You never know where
you're gonna get inspired.

297
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,776
I was on a plane...

298
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,737
and the guy sitting next to me
pulled out his laptop

299
00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:13,365
and just started watching episodes
of that show <i>Wipeout.</i>

300
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,953
You know, <i>Wipeout</i> is based
on a Japanese game show.

301
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:19,080
People just trying not to get
knocked into water.

302
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:20,164
It's a goofy-ass show.

303
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,917
It's something that,
if you're flipping through TV,

304
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,085
you'll watch it for a little bit,

305
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:27,714
but it's not something I would think
you would wanna take with you.

306
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:31,926
Usually, on a plane, I like to catch up
on something with a narrative,

307
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,053
but he was just watching
episodes of <i>Wipeout.</i>

308
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:36,388
And this plane didn't have Wi-Fi,

309
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:39,433
which means that he downloaded
three episodes of <i>Wipeout.</i>

310
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:43,145
And he was happy, I could see in his eyes,
he was happy watching <i>Wipeout.</i>

311
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:45,690
And I was happy, 'cause I was watching it,
and I had my headphones on,

312
00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:49,110
and my music started syncing up with all
the shit that was happening in <i>Wipeout.</i>

313
00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:52,113
People started falling into the water
on beat, it was great.

314
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,867
So I started thinking, what...

315
00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:01,288
what is my version of watching <i>Wipeout</i>
on a plane in life, you know?

316
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:08,212
How can I be different like him?
How can I go against the grain?

317
00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:12,717
How can I not care what others think?
How can I do what makes me happy?

318
00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:19,431
How can I inspire others in the same way
that he inspired me?

319
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,936
And I figured it out,
my new thing is that...

320
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:28,315
if somebody tells me my zipper's down,
I tell him, "Let that shit go."

321
00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:35,657
People love telling you your fly is down

322
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,575
without even knowing
your position on zipper politics, so...

323
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:42,538
"Yeah, my fly is down,
this is my new thing I'm doing.

324
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,166
Stop looking at my dick, first of all.
How about that?

325
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:47,168
My fly is down?

326
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:50,672
Yeah, you're looking at my dick,
though, which is worse?

327
00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,298
This was an accident."

328
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:56,761
People tell you "Your fly is down"

329
00:18:56,844 --> 00:19:00,723
with the same energy as if they just
saved you from getting hit by a bus.

330
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,309
"Hey, your fly is down!

331
00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:05,728
What are you gonna do
with your new lease on life, huh?

332
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,730
Are you gonna talk about me
in your memoirs?

333
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:08,815
Please!"

334
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:14,236
"Sir, your fly is--"
"Yeah, my fly is... Is my dick out?

335
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,489
'Cause if my dick ain't out, I feel like
you're over-exaggerating right now.

336
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:20,743
My fly is down, 'cause I'm not
a conformist piece of shit like you!

337
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:23,913
It's anarchy down here and I'm livin' it!
What's up?"

338
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,172
I was downtown Chicago,

339
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,591
a homeless dude walked up,
"Hey, sir, your fly is down."

340
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,427
"Hey, man, your life is down.
Couple things, hey.

341
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:41,597
I didn't ask you for shit.
This is a quick fix for me right here.

342
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,433
You don't know what I'm up to.
I'm living life a different way. <i>Wipeout.</i>

343
00:19:44,516 --> 00:19:46,352
I'm living life in a different way."

344
00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,194
I'm from Chicago, originally,

345
00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:58,489
and I was back home
hanging out with my dad.

346
00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:00,324
I get there, he was excited, he said,

347
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:03,703
"Hannibal, you ever hear
of this show, <i>The Wire?</i>

348
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:07,832
This show is great."

349
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:11,293
My dad just got into <i>The Wire.</i>

350
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:12,628
"Show was amazing, Hannibal.

351
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:16,257
The story lines, the writing,
so many characters, it's great.

352
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,092
I'm on Season Two, I love it."

353
00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:22,138
Didn't have the heart to tell him that
Season Two was the worst season.

354
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,892
I'll let him... I'll let him finish
that way he can talk about it on his own.

355
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:27,935
Then I started thinking,

356
00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:30,312
"Why am I judging my dad for just now
getting into <i>The Wire?"</i>

357
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,106
People find stuff when they find it,
you know?

358
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,150
Everybody doesn't discover somethin'
at the same time.

359
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,444
It doesn't make it any less good
if you found it late.

360
00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:40,990
I can't judge him for getting
to <i>The Wire</i> now.

361
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,868
I found out about Jimi Hendrix

362
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:47,371
because Hulk Hogan
used to walk out to his music.

363
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:53,210
In WCW, Hulk Hogan used to
walk out to "Voodoo Child."

364
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:57,840
And I'm like, "This song is amazing!
This is great!

365
00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:00,134
Who is that?
That shit is amazing!"

366
00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:01,635
Somebody like, "That's Jimi Hendrix!"

367
00:21:01,718 --> 00:21:05,347
"Man, he's about to blow up, man,
with this Hulk Hogan exposure.

368
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:08,142
It's so cool for Hulk Hogan
to give new artists a platform.

369
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:10,394
He's gonna be able to tour,
he's gonna sell so much merchandise,

370
00:21:10,477 --> 00:21:12,980
'cause of this exposure
that Hulk Hogan is givin' to him.

371
00:21:13,064 --> 00:21:14,690
It's a new audience!"

372
00:21:18,903 --> 00:21:21,697
Turns out, Jimi Hendrix is dead,
Hulk Hogan's a racist.

373
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,325
My world is crumbling all the time.

374
00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:34,877
I'm a little bit older than my father was
when they had me.

375
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:38,881
So naturally, that makes me wonder,
"Do I want kids?

376
00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:40,800
Do I wanna deal with children's quirks?"

377
00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:43,135
There's quirks that come
with having children.

378
00:21:43,219 --> 00:21:46,763
Do I wanna have a small person
fall asleep in public

379
00:21:46,848 --> 00:21:49,141
and have to carry it around
the rest of the day?

380
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:53,062
Even though it knows how to walk.
Shit like that. Or...

381
00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:56,690
Like, "How many horrible
children's basketball games can I watch?"

382
00:21:56,773 --> 00:22:01,821
I don't know how many 16-8 final scores
a man can stomach.

383
00:22:01,904 --> 00:22:04,824
"It's scoreless at halftime, 0-0."

384
00:22:05,867 --> 00:22:08,577
I don't know how many back-to-back
double-dribbling traveling violations

385
00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:10,787
a man could handle.

386
00:22:10,872 --> 00:22:11,914
"Traveling!"

387
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:14,541
I'm like,
"This is a referee's bonanza right here.

388
00:22:14,625 --> 00:22:17,837
These kids suck,
but the referee is killin' it right now.

389
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,798
He hasn't missed one travel, huh?
He's heartless."

390
00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:25,177
They gotta learn some way.

391
00:22:28,097 --> 00:22:29,098
No kids.

392
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:31,808
I've thought through some scenarios
of having children.

393
00:22:31,893 --> 00:22:33,852
Just in case.

394
00:22:33,936 --> 00:22:35,854
Unlikely scenarios,
but I wanna be prepared.

395
00:22:35,938 --> 00:22:36,939
Here's one...

396
00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:39,483
If my lady has triplets...

397
00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:42,278
we have to give one away.

398
00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:47,950
I refuse to keep three
of the same baby, man, I can't.

399
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:51,370
That shit seems so overwhelming, man.

400
00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:54,873
I'm open to having three children,
but not three of the same baby.

401
00:22:54,957 --> 00:22:57,709
I wanna mix it up a little bit.
Come on, man.

402
00:22:57,793 --> 00:22:59,336
What do I want three of a kind for?

403
00:22:59,420 --> 00:23:02,048
This ain't Texas hold 'em,
this is real life.

404
00:23:02,131 --> 00:23:05,176
Get one of those babies
up out of here, man.

405
00:23:07,011 --> 00:23:10,056
You know how goofy that
stroller situation would be?

406
00:23:10,139 --> 00:23:12,641
How dumb that car seat situation would be?

407
00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:13,892
Get one of those babies up out of here.

408
00:23:13,976 --> 00:23:16,478
Give that baby to somebody
that can't have babies.

409
00:23:18,605 --> 00:23:22,068
Her body, her choice, so she can
pick which baby we give away.

410
00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:29,158
Unless we have two girls and a boy,
she can't just give away the boy.

411
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:31,618
That's... Come on, balance.

412
00:23:34,538 --> 00:23:36,415
She can pick which baby we give away.

413
00:23:37,916 --> 00:23:42,296
If I'm being honest,
I'm hoping she picks the first one.

414
00:23:44,631 --> 00:23:48,469
I want her to pick the first baby,
'cause I'm the type of dude...

415
00:23:50,929 --> 00:23:53,975
I don't like to grab the top newspaper
at the newsstand.

416
00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:05,361
It just seem like it got
something on it, you know?

417
00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:15,704
And that's my main message today.

418
00:24:19,125 --> 00:24:21,043
That's really what I came here to say.

419
00:24:23,254 --> 00:24:28,009
If you have triplets, give one away,
and I'm sorry that rhymed.

420
00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:30,469
That sounds like a Sugarhill Gang rap.

421
00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:32,554
<i>♪ My name is Hannibal
And I'm here to say ♪</i>

422
00:24:32,638 --> 00:24:35,391
<i>♪ If you have triplets
Just give one away, hua! ♪</i>

423
00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:37,016
I'm sorry. No.

424
00:24:38,394 --> 00:24:41,272
No.

425
00:24:44,691 --> 00:24:46,943
I promise, give one of 'em away.

426
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:48,820
You wouldn't even miss it.

427
00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:53,617
You'd forget all about that extra baby
once you got so busy with the twins.

428
00:24:54,618 --> 00:24:57,371
Look, I'm already calling 'em twins.
Fuck that third baby.

429
00:24:57,454 --> 00:24:59,456
I can't worry about other people's kids

430
00:24:59,540 --> 00:25:02,126
when I have a family
to take care of over here.

431
00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:08,882
No kids.
I have nephews and nieces.

432
00:25:08,965 --> 00:25:10,676
Which is a perfect relationship...

433
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,596
because I don't live where they live.

434
00:25:16,182 --> 00:25:18,684
So whenever I visit them,
it's a goddamn event.

435
00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:21,353
Every time. 'Cause absence
makes the heart grow fonder.

436
00:25:21,437 --> 00:25:23,647
I come to my sister's house,
they're so psyched,

437
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:25,941
"Uncle Hannibal's in town!"

438
00:25:26,024 --> 00:25:28,527
"You goddamn right I'm in town, kids!
Hell, yeah!

439
00:25:28,610 --> 00:25:30,404
Uncle Hannibal's in the building,
what's up?

440
00:25:30,487 --> 00:25:32,156
High fives all around."

441
00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:35,242
"Yeah! Uncle Hannibal!"

442
00:25:36,910 --> 00:25:39,830
And I always come through
with the cool-ass, fly uncle gifts.

443
00:25:39,913 --> 00:25:43,209
Video game systems,
GoPros, helicopter drones.

444
00:25:43,292 --> 00:25:47,003
"Yeah!
Thank you for the drones, Uncle Hannibal."

445
00:25:47,088 --> 00:25:48,630
"You're welcome for that drone.

446
00:25:48,714 --> 00:25:52,384
Now how about you come here
and tell me a boring-ass school story?

447
00:25:53,885 --> 00:25:55,221
Oh, this is a horrible story.

448
00:25:55,304 --> 00:25:57,389
You didn't establish
any characters or anything.

449
00:25:57,473 --> 00:25:58,890
This story sucks.

450
00:25:58,974 --> 00:25:59,975
But I love you.

451
00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:03,061
I won't say this to your face,
but this story is garbage."

452
00:26:06,940 --> 00:26:09,860
And it's perfect.
It's a perfect relationship.

453
00:26:09,943 --> 00:26:11,903
They get gifts,
they get to see their uncle,

454
00:26:11,987 --> 00:26:14,198
I get to feel something
outside of show business,

455
00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:16,492
we get what we need from each other,
then we separate.

456
00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:18,034
It's perfect.

457
00:26:18,119 --> 00:26:20,579
They're like hookers
for my sense of nurturing.

458
00:26:26,084 --> 00:26:31,089
I was filming a movie and I did a scene
where I had to act with a baby.

459
00:26:32,383 --> 00:26:34,760
Me and a ten-month-old baby.
There's a couple other people there,

460
00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:37,846
but I was the one interacting
with the baby, and what I found...

461
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:41,600
babies are horrible actors.

462
00:26:41,683 --> 00:26:44,561
Don't respect the process.
Showed up late, unprepared.

463
00:26:44,645 --> 00:26:47,648
Didn't read the script, obviously.
Not good at improvising.

464
00:26:47,731 --> 00:26:49,816
I could go on and on.
This baby sucked, man.

465
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:53,862
And it was an easy job for him.

466
00:26:54,655 --> 00:26:58,242
Basically, be a baby.
Visually, remain a baby.

467
00:26:59,576 --> 00:27:02,954
Don't grow up and become a toddler
in the middle of a scene.

468
00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:05,749
As long as you still a baby,
be a baby, be quiet,

469
00:27:05,832 --> 00:27:07,543
make a couple grand, leave.

470
00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:09,295
That was it.

471
00:27:09,378 --> 00:27:12,339
But everybody's not built
for the business, man.

472
00:27:12,423 --> 00:27:15,215
Everybody's not ready for it.
We get him on camera, he wasn't ready.

473
00:27:15,259 --> 00:27:16,927
He was chillin' before the camera started.

474
00:27:17,010 --> 00:27:19,719
I'm holding him, director calls, "Action,"
he just starts wailing.

475
00:27:19,721 --> 00:27:24,601
"I'm afraid of success.

476
00:27:24,685 --> 00:27:29,731
I'm wasting a huge opportunity right now.
I have no future in this business."

477
00:27:29,815 --> 00:27:32,318
They call, "Cut," man,
I snapped out on the director.

478
00:27:32,401 --> 00:27:36,029
I say, "Hey, Shaun, get this baby
the fuck out of here, right now!

479
00:27:36,112 --> 00:27:37,698
Get me a new baby right away,

480
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:40,617
or I'm walking off set, asshole.
How about that?" No...

481
00:27:41,452 --> 00:27:44,162
I didn't say any wild shit
like that, man.

482
00:27:44,246 --> 00:27:47,374
But guess what?
I work with very intuitive, smart people.

483
00:27:47,458 --> 00:27:49,293
They read my frustration,
they saw the situation,

484
00:27:49,376 --> 00:27:50,919
so they got a new baby
in there right away.

485
00:27:51,002 --> 00:27:53,255
Because you can't just
hire one baby for a job.

486
00:27:53,339 --> 00:27:54,673
You gotta have a back-up baby.

487
00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:56,842
Them motherfuckers are unpredictable.
So...

488
00:27:59,428 --> 00:28:01,222
we get the back-up baby and then
had the same problem.

489
00:28:01,305 --> 00:28:02,681
We holding him...
"Action!"

490
00:28:02,764 --> 00:28:05,309
"I'm not about my paper.

491
00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:08,604
I have very short-term thinking.

492
00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:12,899
Hannibal will never work with me again."

493
00:28:12,983 --> 00:28:14,610
"Get him out of here, Shaun!"

494
00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:18,905
Man, we got a third baby in there.

495
00:28:18,989 --> 00:28:20,574
What a pro.

496
00:28:21,575 --> 00:28:23,285
What a pro.
He came in, knocked it out.

497
00:28:23,369 --> 00:28:26,372
Ten minutes, three takes.

498
00:28:26,455 --> 00:28:29,375
He did something a little different
each take, he was amazing.

499
00:28:32,419 --> 00:28:35,381
Came in, made a couple grand,
bounced out like a G.

500
00:28:37,215 --> 00:28:38,509
He came in there a baby,

501
00:28:38,592 --> 00:28:42,095
he left a member
of the Screen Actors Guild.

502
00:28:42,721 --> 00:28:45,555
If he ever needs anything from me,
recommendation, I'll help him out.

503
00:28:45,557 --> 00:28:48,269
Who knows?
That kid might be the next Brad Pitt.

504
00:28:48,352 --> 00:28:50,937
Twenty years from now, he's giving me
all them Morgan Freeman roles

505
00:28:51,021 --> 00:28:52,188
and shit like that.

506
00:28:53,774 --> 00:28:54,775
"Hey, Hannibal, what's up?

507
00:28:54,858 --> 00:28:57,110
It's the baby from the movie.
You wanna play God?"

508
00:28:57,193 --> 00:28:58,945
"Yeah, I do. Hell, yeah!"

509
00:29:00,113 --> 00:29:02,699
"In the follow-up,
you wanna play an old-ass president?"

510
00:29:02,783 --> 00:29:04,660
"You're goddamn right I do, man.

511
00:29:05,327 --> 00:29:07,246
You never forgot where you came from."

512
00:29:12,959 --> 00:29:15,921
I left out a major detail
about those first two babies.

513
00:29:17,923 --> 00:29:19,675
They were white.

514
00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:24,846
And... I'm not the type of guy
that will say that babies can be racist.

515
00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:27,223
But I will say...

516
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,644
that they can have favorite colors.

517
00:29:34,731 --> 00:29:37,025
And also, the third baby was white,
too, man.

518
00:29:37,108 --> 00:29:39,403
That wouldn't make any sense
if they switched the race of the baby.

519
00:29:39,486 --> 00:29:41,405
They were all white babies.

520
00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:43,824
See, the third baby was a cool baby
that could hang,

521
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:46,410
like J. J. Redick or Justin Timberlake,
you know?

522
00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:50,331
A cool-ass baby.

523
00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:56,420
I guess, the children thing,
if you're planning a family,

524
00:29:56,503 --> 00:29:59,172
it comes down to perspective,
what you see.

525
00:29:59,255 --> 00:30:02,926
Like, some people, you're at the airport,
you see a man, wife, two kids,

526
00:30:03,009 --> 00:30:05,429
some people say, "Wow!

527
00:30:05,512 --> 00:30:08,139
Look at that beautiful family."

528
00:30:08,223 --> 00:30:10,058
But...

529
00:30:10,141 --> 00:30:12,353
I just see a dude...

530
00:30:12,436 --> 00:30:15,021
that had to buy four plane tickets.

531
00:30:19,985 --> 00:30:22,571
And that shit adds up over time, man.

532
00:30:26,074 --> 00:30:29,328
I'm just trying
to figure out life, you know?

533
00:30:29,411 --> 00:30:31,705
Figure out life just like you guys.

534
00:30:31,788 --> 00:30:33,540
Trying to figure out math.

535
00:30:35,501 --> 00:30:40,296
Not general math,
but specific math that applies to my life.

536
00:30:41,340 --> 00:30:43,133
I'm trying to figure out...

537
00:30:43,216 --> 00:30:45,802
how many strangers
I have to have empty sex with

538
00:30:45,886 --> 00:30:48,680
before I propose
to my ex-girlfriend. And...

539
00:30:50,641 --> 00:30:53,435
the numbers
are mounting irresponsibly.

540
00:30:57,689 --> 00:31:00,442
It's messed up,
'cause I'm not even a good first fuck.

541
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,863
I'm not a good first fuck.
It takes some time.

542
00:31:07,533 --> 00:31:10,411
My dick gotta grow on you
like the <i>Yeezus</i> album.

543
00:31:12,788 --> 00:31:14,373
It takes a few listens.

544
00:31:16,041 --> 00:31:19,586
At first, you go, "I didn't like that!
But after several listens...

545
00:31:20,462 --> 00:31:22,756
I have to say that he's one of the best."

546
00:31:32,265 --> 00:31:35,644
Sometimes, I find myself
in a situation where...

547
00:31:35,727 --> 00:31:39,815
a woman I'm seeing
wants more than I'm willing to give.

548
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:44,277
And that's not to say that she doesn't
deserve what she wants,

549
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:49,157
that's just to say
that I'm not the one to give it to her.

550
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:50,742
Does that make sense?

551
00:31:52,494 --> 00:31:54,329
I'll give you an example
of a situation that happened.

552
00:31:54,413 --> 00:31:56,748
One time, chillin' out in the bed,

553
00:31:56,832 --> 00:31:57,958
I got my left arm around this woman,

554
00:31:58,041 --> 00:32:00,126
we had just finished up
and we're chillin',

555
00:32:00,210 --> 00:32:05,466
and she was trying to get me to double-arm
cuddle hold her like that, and...

556
00:32:06,967 --> 00:32:08,969
I didn't feel like we were there yet.

557
00:32:11,763 --> 00:32:14,433
I didn't feel like we were double-arm...

558
00:32:14,516 --> 00:32:16,184
cuddle status yet.

559
00:32:17,268 --> 00:32:20,481
I feel like I was giving a lot,
holding her with my left arm,

560
00:32:20,564 --> 00:32:23,274
I was holding her tight with my left arm,

561
00:32:23,358 --> 00:32:26,277
which is a lot considering we had
just met about, probably,

562
00:32:26,361 --> 00:32:27,613
three hours ago.

563
00:32:28,614 --> 00:32:30,198
And I'm holding her tight like this.

564
00:32:31,407 --> 00:32:34,786
And she kept on trying to get me
to hold her like that and...

565
00:32:34,870 --> 00:32:36,287
I didn't want to.

566
00:32:37,288 --> 00:32:40,751
And that's not to say that she didn't
deserve to be held like that,

567
00:32:40,834 --> 00:32:45,421
that's just to say that
I wasn't the one to do it at that moment.

568
00:32:46,923 --> 00:32:48,634
How do I put this in a better way?

569
00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:54,598
A dollar bill isn't worth
that much in England...

570
00:32:54,681 --> 00:32:57,433
but it's worth a lot in Mexico.

571
00:33:01,647 --> 00:33:03,732
We all mean different things
to different people,

572
00:33:03,815 --> 00:33:06,317
is what I'm trying to say.

573
00:33:06,401 --> 00:33:08,487
Finding true love
is about finding your Mexico,

574
00:33:08,570 --> 00:33:11,615
where you go somewhere and you say,
"I get how many tacos for $3?

575
00:33:11,698 --> 00:33:12,783
Holy shit!

576
00:33:14,701 --> 00:33:16,286
I wanna stay here forever."

577
00:33:16,369 --> 00:33:19,414
And you just hope that
that feeling is mutual, and that's love.

578
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:27,964
There's an interesting energy
around me sometimes

579
00:33:28,048 --> 00:33:31,552
when I'm... I'm skeptical of people.

580
00:33:32,636 --> 00:33:35,138
It's a weird emotion
when you're...

581
00:33:36,765 --> 00:33:40,561
when you're flattered
and cynical at the same time.

582
00:33:41,477 --> 00:33:42,563
People you see...

583
00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:45,982
"Oh, that's nice that you would say that,
but what the fuck are you up to?

584
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:54,991
What are you up to, lady?
What's your motives?

585
00:33:55,075 --> 00:33:58,161
What are you doing?
What's going on here?

586
00:33:59,370 --> 00:34:01,707
Why are you so giddy?

587
00:34:01,790 --> 00:34:04,250
I don't know you.
Where were you six years ago?

588
00:34:04,334 --> 00:34:06,419
What's going on here?
Is this a setup?

589
00:34:06,502 --> 00:34:08,171
What's happening?
Is this a setup?

590
00:34:08,254 --> 00:34:11,675
Did Bill Cosby send you or some shit?
What's going on right now?"

591
00:34:14,553 --> 00:34:16,262
"I'm not falling for it."

592
00:34:21,351 --> 00:34:23,687
Well, that situation got out of hand.

593
00:34:25,438 --> 00:34:26,565
Yikes!

594
00:34:29,943 --> 00:34:31,402
I was just doing a joke at a show.

595
00:34:31,486 --> 00:34:34,573
I didn't like the media putting me
at the forefront of it.

596
00:34:35,866 --> 00:34:38,827
They were sly,
dissing me in the news.

597
00:34:40,370 --> 00:34:43,289
"Unknown comedian, Hannibal Buress..."

598
00:34:47,669 --> 00:34:49,671
Just awful, that was how their leads were.

599
00:34:49,755 --> 00:34:54,801
"Broke-ass comedian, Hannibal Buress,
took the stage..."

600
00:34:56,177 --> 00:35:01,432
"Homeless comedian, Hannibal Buress,
took the stage in Philly covered in rags."

601
00:35:07,147 --> 00:35:10,441
I got a lot of flak for that.
People were writing me awful things.

602
00:35:10,525 --> 00:35:11,567
I had people writing me,

603
00:35:11,652 --> 00:35:14,570
"Bill Cosby's not a rapist, Hannibal.
You are!"

604
00:35:14,655 --> 00:35:15,656
What?

605
00:35:17,073 --> 00:35:18,700
What? That's not how that works.

606
00:35:20,201 --> 00:35:22,037
That's not how that works at all.

607
00:35:23,079 --> 00:35:25,415
You know, the weirdest thing
about getting a death threat

608
00:35:25,498 --> 00:35:28,794
from a male bodybuilder/stripper
on Facebook is...

609
00:35:29,419 --> 00:35:33,173
when you click on his profile
and see that you have one mutual friend.

610
00:35:37,260 --> 00:35:39,137
And then hitting that friend up
and saying,

611
00:35:39,220 --> 00:35:42,683
"Hey, man, can you tell your buddy
to stop saying that?"

612
00:35:42,766 --> 00:35:46,477
Not that I think he's really gonna do it,
I'd just rather him not say it to me.

613
00:35:46,561 --> 00:35:49,436
You don't wanna take that energy
into your brain if you don't have to.

614
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,441
'Cause I don't think
that's how killers operate.

615
00:35:51,524 --> 00:35:53,443
I don't think a killer...
"I'm gonna kill Hannibal Buress.

616
00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:55,486
First...

617
00:35:55,570 --> 00:35:57,862
I'm going to the coffee shop,
buying the cheapest thing,

618
00:35:57,864 --> 00:35:59,240
so they give me the Wi-Fi code.

619
00:35:59,324 --> 00:36:01,034
Then...

620
00:36:01,117 --> 00:36:04,705
I'm sitting down, pulling out my
Acer laptop and logging on to Facebook.

621
00:36:04,788 --> 00:36:07,415
Then I'm searching 'Hannibal Buress, '

622
00:36:07,498 --> 00:36:10,961
then I'm spelling 'Buress' correctly,
then..."

623
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:15,966
It's an interesting situation, man.

624
00:36:17,342 --> 00:36:18,677
It's very weird.

625
00:36:20,095 --> 00:36:23,849
Who knew?
Who knew that an off-hand joke...

626
00:36:23,932 --> 00:36:28,019
about Cosby-raping
would lead to me having...

627
00:36:29,938 --> 00:36:32,858
amazing consensual sex across the country?

628
00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:36,527
And...

629
00:36:41,992 --> 00:36:45,245
I like to chase adrenaline, excitement.

630
00:36:45,328 --> 00:36:47,998
That's why I do this.
It's exciting.

631
00:36:48,081 --> 00:36:52,085
I do other things to chase the excitement
after the show's over.

632
00:36:52,168 --> 00:36:54,504
I like to gamble.

633
00:36:54,587 --> 00:36:57,173
Like in an old casino, I like craps.

634
00:36:57,257 --> 00:37:02,971
I like craps because you can bet against
the person that's rolling the dice.

635
00:37:03,054 --> 00:37:04,723
You can be negative.

636
00:37:06,725 --> 00:37:07,768
You can just walk up to the table,

637
00:37:07,851 --> 00:37:11,354
"I don't believe in him, for $20.
I don't believe in him."

638
00:37:14,649 --> 00:37:17,443
"I don't like his hat.
$30 against his hat."

639
00:37:17,527 --> 00:37:19,070
You can bet against people
for whatever reason.

640
00:37:19,154 --> 00:37:20,280
It doesn't have to make sense.

641
00:37:20,363 --> 00:37:25,243
"Hey, I don't like the cut of his jib.
$50 against the cut of his jib."

642
00:37:27,453 --> 00:37:29,039
I play blackjack, too.

643
00:37:29,122 --> 00:37:30,456
And they say go by the book

644
00:37:30,540 --> 00:37:32,292
to give yourself the best chance
at winning in blackjack.

645
00:37:32,375 --> 00:37:35,253
It's called basic strategy.
Certain things which you're supposed to do

646
00:37:35,336 --> 00:37:37,255
to give yourself
the best chance of winning.

647
00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:39,257
Like, certain things.
Don't split tens.

648
00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:42,260
Double down on 11 when the dealer's
showing a three, these different rules.

649
00:37:42,343 --> 00:37:45,221
One of those rules is,
you're not supposed to hit on 17.

650
00:37:45,305 --> 00:37:48,724
But if I have 17,
and the dealer's showing 10,

651
00:37:48,809 --> 00:37:51,102
I'm supposed to assume
the dealer's down card is a 10,

652
00:37:51,186 --> 00:37:53,146
so I'm staying on 17 against a 20.

653
00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:56,649
I'm going out like a bitch.
That's not how I like to live.

654
00:37:56,732 --> 00:37:59,820
So sometimes, I hit on 17.

655
00:37:59,903 --> 00:38:02,613
Situation came up, packed table,
I had 17, dealer's showing 10,

656
00:38:02,697 --> 00:38:04,532
I was the last one to go
before the dealer flip,

657
00:38:04,615 --> 00:38:07,702
I said, "Hit," and everybody at the table
gasped and went,

658
00:38:07,786 --> 00:38:10,038
"Holy shit, no!

659
00:38:10,121 --> 00:38:13,666
No! He's on full tilt, holy shit!"

660
00:38:13,749 --> 00:38:16,127
Even the dealer said, "Are you sure?"

661
00:38:16,211 --> 00:38:21,591
"Yes, sir, I'm sure. Yes, I'm sure!
Hit! Hit! I'm hitting on 17!"

662
00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:25,595
I busted out, 27.

663
00:38:28,098 --> 00:38:30,475
Turns out, dealer's down card's a five,
I took his 10.

664
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:31,893
He would've busted out with 25.

665
00:38:31,977 --> 00:38:35,563
His next card was a six, he got 21,
everybody lost.

666
00:38:35,646 --> 00:38:38,108
I took everybody down with me.
Yeah.

667
00:38:38,191 --> 00:38:40,485
Yes!

668
00:38:42,946 --> 00:38:46,116
Now, that's kamikaze blackjack
right there.

669
00:38:46,199 --> 00:38:49,241
And, you know what, to be honest,
that shit was way more fun than winning.

670
00:38:49,244 --> 00:38:52,205
It's only a $10 table, on to the next one.
It's gambling, baby!

671
00:38:52,288 --> 00:38:53,832
We'll get that shit back.
We got all night!

672
00:38:53,915 --> 00:38:56,042
Drinks? Drinks? Drinks? All right.

673
00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:04,634
I've been trying to come up with a way

674
00:39:04,717 --> 00:39:10,098
for me and my friends to play
Russian roulette without anybody dying.

675
00:39:11,557 --> 00:39:13,809
Because I feel like Russian roulette,
at its core,

676
00:39:13,894 --> 00:39:17,230
is a very exciting game
with extremely high stakes.

677
00:39:17,313 --> 00:39:21,734
So, how do I bring that excitement
into my life without the threat of death

678
00:39:21,817 --> 00:39:23,694
while maintaining
the integrity of the game

679
00:39:23,778 --> 00:39:25,947
that the originators would have wanted?
And...

680
00:39:26,822 --> 00:39:30,076
I think I figured it out.
Me and my friends go out into a field,

681
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:32,703
we have a revolver,
put a bullet in the chamber, spin it,

682
00:39:32,787 --> 00:39:37,625
and you have to pull the trigger with
the gun pointed directly at your Xbox.

683
00:39:43,173 --> 00:39:46,342
I feel like that's high stakes
and low stakes at the same time.

684
00:39:46,426 --> 00:39:49,551
You get a lot of feelings from that.
One, you get to take a shot at an Xbox.

685
00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:52,182
Two, you get to see if the Xbox
works after you shoot it.

686
00:39:52,265 --> 00:39:56,686
Three, you get to see if the Microsoft
warranty even covers a shot-up Xbox.

687
00:39:58,021 --> 00:39:59,439
And if they don't, you get to see

688
00:39:59,522 --> 00:40:01,191
if you could get a cool
customer service person that says,

689
00:40:01,274 --> 00:40:04,860
"Man, we don't cover that, but y'all
are crazy as hell for that shit, man.

690
00:40:04,945 --> 00:40:07,948
That was so wild!
I really respect the gamesmanship.

691
00:40:08,031 --> 00:40:11,409
Thank you so much for bringing
that new energy into my job and my life,

692
00:40:11,492 --> 00:40:13,954
'cause I really hate my family right now,
man.

693
00:40:14,579 --> 00:40:16,831
You guys brought a jolt,
I can't even describe it.

694
00:40:16,915 --> 00:40:19,375
I'm gonna give you these free Xboxes,
but in exchange,

695
00:40:19,459 --> 00:40:21,669
can I please join your crew
for two months,

696
00:40:21,752 --> 00:40:24,172
probationary status, please, man?

697
00:40:24,255 --> 00:40:26,549
I feel like I'd be at a good...
You know what? I said too much.

698
00:40:26,632 --> 00:40:28,969
My apologies, sir.
This is unprofessional."

699
00:40:31,596 --> 00:40:35,058
I did a charity show in New York
a few months ago

700
00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:37,310
and it was for Gilda Radner's Club.

701
00:40:37,393 --> 00:40:40,981
Gilda's Club, and it was me,
eight, nine other comedians.

702
00:40:41,064 --> 00:40:44,567
We signed this poster.
There was two of 'em, two posters.

703
00:40:44,650 --> 00:40:46,111
They had all our pictures on them.

704
00:40:46,194 --> 00:40:47,570
Before the show, we signed them,

705
00:40:47,653 --> 00:40:49,862
and they were auctioned off
in the middle of the show.

706
00:40:49,864 --> 00:40:54,285
Rachel Dratch was hosting and she was
auctioning off and she was like...

707
00:40:55,036 --> 00:40:57,872
And they sold for $8,500 each.

708
00:40:57,956 --> 00:41:00,666
Seventeen grand for two posters.

709
00:41:00,750 --> 00:41:01,834
And then Rachel was like,

710
00:41:01,917 --> 00:41:04,754
"Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian,
Hannibal Buress!"

711
00:41:04,837 --> 00:41:07,966
Hey, wait a second,
don't just bring me on.

712
00:41:08,049 --> 00:41:11,261
Right, don't just do that.
Wait a second, okay?

713
00:41:11,344 --> 00:41:15,140
I'm not used to going on stage right after
some posters just sold for a Honda Civic.

714
00:41:15,223 --> 00:41:17,725
Like, kill some time, Rachel.

715
00:41:17,808 --> 00:41:19,935
Give me a little time to process
what just happened.

716
00:41:20,020 --> 00:41:22,188
I'm not used to this.
This is new energy.

717
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:26,067
Seventeen grand for two posters!

718
00:41:26,151 --> 00:41:29,737
If I was on <i>Price Is Right,</i>
I would've been completely off with that.

719
00:41:31,364 --> 00:41:32,991
I'd be like, "Two posters, huh, Drew?

720
00:41:33,074 --> 00:41:34,075
Uh...

721
00:41:38,997 --> 00:41:41,707
Uh... $1."

722
00:41:45,086 --> 00:41:48,548
Seventeen grand for two posters!

723
00:41:48,631 --> 00:41:51,509
That is fuck-you money, right there.

724
00:41:52,177 --> 00:41:53,219
I don't have fuck-you money.

725
00:41:53,303 --> 00:41:55,928
I know a couple people that got it,
I don't have fuck-you money.

726
00:41:55,930 --> 00:42:00,310
I have "Hey, excuse me,
don't talk to me like that, please" money.

727
00:42:01,852 --> 00:42:05,356
I don't have fuck-you money.
I got "strongly worded e-mail" money.

728
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:06,441
I got...

729
00:42:07,358 --> 00:42:10,528
I got that
"limp handshake, no eye contact" dough.

730
00:42:15,075 --> 00:42:17,660
But I'm trying to get it,
trying to figure it out.

731
00:42:17,743 --> 00:42:20,371
Get a side business.
Entertainment is too fleeting.

732
00:42:20,455 --> 00:42:22,498
You gotta get something stable.

733
00:42:22,582 --> 00:42:24,375
I wanna have something.

734
00:42:24,459 --> 00:42:28,504
Just so that, 15 years from now,
when somebody comes up to me,

735
00:42:28,588 --> 00:42:32,300
"Hey, Hannibal, what happened?
Haven't seen you on TV in a while.

736
00:42:32,383 --> 00:42:35,386
Haven't seen you touring.
What's going on, man?"

737
00:42:36,304 --> 00:42:37,555
I say, "You're right, you're right.

738
00:42:37,638 --> 00:42:40,516
And, you know,
while I'd rather you not bother me

739
00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:44,062
while me and my family are at
this Bloomington Denny's, you know..."

740
00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:51,402
"Let's talk about it, you know?

741
00:42:51,486 --> 00:42:55,156
You're correct, my comedy career
isn't going how it used to be going.

742
00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:57,075
But guess what?

743
00:42:57,158 --> 00:43:00,661
My gourmet deviled egg business
is flourishing right now."

744
00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:04,999
Deviled eggs, that's the biggest racket
in the restaurant industry.

745
00:43:05,083 --> 00:43:07,127
Three eggs cut in halves,

746
00:43:07,210 --> 00:43:10,296
sprinkle some bullshit on 'em
and charge $9.

747
00:43:10,380 --> 00:43:11,422
Wow!

748
00:43:11,506 --> 00:43:14,925
I want in.
I want some of that deviled-egg money.

749
00:43:15,009 --> 00:43:17,803
Use the deviled-egg money
to fund my next racket.

750
00:43:17,887 --> 00:43:20,223
I want my own liberal arts college.

751
00:43:21,724 --> 00:43:22,808
Yeah.

752
00:43:22,892 --> 00:43:26,061
"Come to Hannibal's Liberal Arts College."
You know what my pitch would be?

753
00:43:26,146 --> 00:43:28,273
"You wanna spend more money in four years

754
00:43:28,356 --> 00:43:30,483
than you're gonna make
in the next 25 years?

755
00:43:30,566 --> 00:43:33,361
Well, come on!
Come on here!"

756
00:43:39,450 --> 00:43:40,785
"If you gonna be in debt,

757
00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:44,038
you might as well be in debt
with somebody you like a little bit.

758
00:43:44,122 --> 00:43:46,707
I've been on TV at least six times.
Come on!"

759
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:53,756
Use that money to fund my next racket.

760
00:43:53,839 --> 00:43:57,843
It's a solid, practical business.
I want my own toilet paper business.

761
00:43:57,927 --> 00:44:00,095
That's a stable business.

762
00:44:00,180 --> 00:44:03,098
Everybody uses toilet paper.

763
00:44:03,183 --> 00:44:06,018
Unless you use baby wipes, which...
Everybody should use baby wipes.

764
00:44:06,101 --> 00:44:08,188
I don't know why we decided,
as we get older,

765
00:44:08,271 --> 00:44:10,731
we have to treat our assholes worse.

766
00:44:13,151 --> 00:44:14,694
But toilet paper it is,

767
00:44:14,777 --> 00:44:17,112
and toilet paper companies
never shut down.

768
00:44:17,197 --> 00:44:18,281
You never hear about it.

769
00:44:18,364 --> 00:44:20,533
"Yeah, we had to shut our doors.
People stopped shitting."

770
00:44:20,616 --> 00:44:22,868
You never hear that.
You never hear that!

771
00:44:22,952 --> 00:44:25,996
And let's say, hypothetically,
people do stop shitting.

772
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:28,166
Guess what?
Toilet paper doesn't spoil.

773
00:44:28,249 --> 00:44:30,543
You put it in your inventory in storage
and wait it out.

774
00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:32,835
They'll be shitting again,
they can't hold it forever.

775
00:44:32,878 --> 00:44:35,881
You just have to be patient
and believe in your business.

776
00:44:35,965 --> 00:44:38,593
I'm kind of talking to myself
right now, not y'all.

777
00:44:41,095 --> 00:44:44,265
And toilet paper companies
rarely advertise.

778
00:44:44,349 --> 00:44:48,686
And when they do choose to advertise,
the concepts are very flimsy.

779
00:44:48,769 --> 00:44:51,272
Like, "I don't know, man, what we gonna...
Who cares?

780
00:44:51,356 --> 00:44:53,899
Just put a bear on there.
Who cares, man?

781
00:44:53,983 --> 00:44:57,778
People are gonna come to us eventually.
They have to shit. Get money, man.

782
00:44:57,862 --> 00:45:00,531
The money's out there,
we need to go get it.

783
00:45:00,615 --> 00:45:04,032
This meeting's over and no more meetings.
I hate talking about this shit, let's go.

784
00:45:04,034 --> 00:45:06,287
Lunch? Lunch? Lunch?
Let's go!

785
00:45:07,288 --> 00:45:08,414
Sushi."

786
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:14,962
But before I embark on my journey
as a multi-faceted businessman,

787
00:45:15,045 --> 00:45:17,673
there are some steps
I have to take to ensure success.

788
00:45:19,008 --> 00:45:20,385
I gotta buy a printer.

789
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:23,012
I don't own a printer...

790
00:45:23,095 --> 00:45:26,181
and I'm pretty sure you need
at least three printers

791
00:45:26,266 --> 00:45:28,601
to run your own liberal arts college.

792
00:45:31,061 --> 00:45:32,187
I need a printer!

793
00:45:33,606 --> 00:45:35,400
It's been holding me back,
not having a printer.

794
00:45:35,483 --> 00:45:37,192
I've been on the phone with people,

795
00:45:37,277 --> 00:45:40,405
"Yeah, Hannibal, just print that out,
sign it, get it right back to us.

796
00:45:40,488 --> 00:45:42,573
We can get started working right away."

797
00:45:45,410 --> 00:45:47,953
"Here we go again.
I'm sorry, I don't have a printer.

798
00:45:48,037 --> 00:45:49,622
Thank you for the opportunity.

799
00:45:49,705 --> 00:45:52,041
I hope we can work together
when I get a printer.

800
00:45:52,124 --> 00:45:55,295
I hope you guys find someone to work with
that has a printer.

801
00:45:55,378 --> 00:45:56,712
Thank you. Goodbye."

802
00:45:59,173 --> 00:46:01,175
I have to get a printer.
I'm telling you.

803
00:46:03,553 --> 00:46:05,971
That's the only difference
between me and Kevin Hart.

804
00:46:06,055 --> 00:46:07,640
He has a printer and I don't.

805
00:46:10,225 --> 00:46:11,477
I'm telling you!

806
00:46:13,187 --> 00:46:15,230
He's able to print out
all the contracts and scripts.

807
00:46:15,315 --> 00:46:16,649
He's printing that shit out.

808
00:46:16,732 --> 00:46:19,652
I'm at Kinko's, he booked the gig already.
Story of my life.

809
00:46:19,735 --> 00:46:22,572
I should've been in <i>Ride Along,</i>
is what I'm saying.

810
00:46:25,825 --> 00:46:28,369
It's interesting being a performer

811
00:46:28,453 --> 00:46:33,248
in this day and age... you know?

812
00:46:33,333 --> 00:46:37,878
Everybody has cell phones.
Cell phones. And people try to film.

813
00:46:37,962 --> 00:46:41,507
I saw people
filming the beginning of this.

814
00:46:43,050 --> 00:46:45,428
Like, it's gonna be on Netflix.
Way better.

815
00:46:49,432 --> 00:46:52,309
"Let me get this shit,
so I can show that I was there.

816
00:46:52,393 --> 00:46:55,355
Hey, y'all, look at what I was
sort of paying attention to."

817
00:46:57,314 --> 00:47:00,067
We like to show that we saw stuff.
We gotta show it.

818
00:47:00,150 --> 00:47:02,653
Social currency.
"Look at what I saw.

819
00:47:02,737 --> 00:47:05,740
Look at what I saw.
You don't get to see what I see.

820
00:47:05,823 --> 00:47:09,243
Except for when you're looking
at pictures of me seeing that shit."

821
00:47:13,373 --> 00:47:15,666
Makes for some interesting situations.

822
00:47:15,750 --> 00:47:18,419
One time, I landed in Columbia, Missouri.

823
00:47:18,503 --> 00:47:21,589
Garbage, garbage airport.

824
00:47:21,672 --> 00:47:23,674
Garbage airport.

825
00:47:23,758 --> 00:47:26,761
One gate, one bathroom.

826
00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:28,888
The bathroom is on the ticketing side,

827
00:47:28,971 --> 00:47:32,266
which means as you go through security
and something happens with your stomach,

828
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:34,308
you gotta go back on
the other side of security,

829
00:47:34,351 --> 00:47:38,147
handle your diarrhea situation
and then go back over,

830
00:47:38,230 --> 00:47:40,775
but they still search your shit
like they did the first time.

831
00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:42,109
Awful airport.

832
00:47:42,192 --> 00:47:44,987
I would compare that airport
to a bus station,

833
00:47:45,070 --> 00:47:49,033
but that would be disrespectful to some
of the nice bus stations I've been to.

834
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:51,494
Some of 'em would be offended.

835
00:47:52,578 --> 00:47:54,079
So I land there...

836
00:47:54,705 --> 00:47:57,458
and I'm walkin' to get a taxi out front.

837
00:47:57,542 --> 00:48:01,921
And there's a police officer there.
He recognizes me.

838
00:48:02,004 --> 00:48:06,801
He fans out,
"Holy shit! Hannibal Buress!"

839
00:48:06,884 --> 00:48:09,429
"Relax, Officer..."
It just seems weird.

840
00:48:09,512 --> 00:48:13,307
It's weird to see a cop fan out,
"Holy shit!"

841
00:48:13,390 --> 00:48:16,769
"Dude, relax, you got a gun, man.
Don't act like that, dawg.

842
00:48:17,478 --> 00:48:19,605
Come on, man, you got a gun, you doing...

843
00:48:19,689 --> 00:48:21,398
That shit don't look good in a uniform.

844
00:48:21,482 --> 00:48:23,901
Save that behavior for plain clothes.
Or, not at all.

845
00:48:23,984 --> 00:48:25,570
How about that, man?"

846
00:48:27,029 --> 00:48:29,990
"Dude, stop doing that with your leg,
Officer."

847
00:48:32,117 --> 00:48:33,453
Just makes me wonder, how...

848
00:48:33,536 --> 00:48:35,871
Expect him to protect and serve,
he's out...

849
00:48:35,955 --> 00:48:37,247
fanning out in these streets.

850
00:48:37,331 --> 00:48:39,166
He's chasing down a robber,
he gets distracted,

851
00:48:39,249 --> 00:48:40,668
"Hey, you get here right now!
Come here!

852
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:42,670
Holy shit, come here!
Police, stop it!

853
00:48:42,753 --> 00:48:45,631
Whoa, is that Waka Flocka? Holy shit!"

854
00:48:45,715 --> 00:48:46,841
Pow, pow, pow, pow!

855
00:48:46,924 --> 00:48:49,259
Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!

856
00:48:52,763 --> 00:48:56,141
So the cop calms down and he says,

857
00:48:56,225 --> 00:48:59,604
"Hannibal, I know this is unprofessional
of me as a police officer,

858
00:48:59,687 --> 00:49:02,189
but can I please take a picture with you?"

859
00:49:02,272 --> 00:49:05,485
And I didn't wanna take a picture
with the cop.

860
00:49:05,568 --> 00:49:06,652
For a lot of reasons.

861
00:49:07,862 --> 00:49:10,781
One, he posts it on social media...

862
00:49:11,824 --> 00:49:13,659
people can caption it whatever they want.

863
00:49:13,743 --> 00:49:14,785
It's out of my hands.

864
00:49:14,869 --> 00:49:18,623
"Comedian Hannibal Buress snitching
at the bus station."

865
00:49:26,463 --> 00:49:29,299
Also, I don't know if he's a good cop.

866
00:49:30,467 --> 00:49:32,344
I don't know
if he even likes black people,

867
00:49:32,427 --> 00:49:34,889
and just really likes
a few that's on television.

868
00:49:36,891 --> 00:49:39,226
It's messed up, but it's how some
white people are, unfortunately.

869
00:49:39,309 --> 00:49:41,562
Some white people are like,
"I don't like niggers,

870
00:49:41,646 --> 00:49:44,106
but LeBron James is amazing."

871
00:49:48,152 --> 00:49:50,070
But I just took the picture with him.

872
00:49:51,030 --> 00:49:53,530
'Cause it was quicker and easier
to take the picture with him

873
00:49:53,574 --> 00:49:57,286
than it was to explain
all the reasons why I didn't want to.

874
00:49:58,370 --> 00:49:59,454
Also, these days,

875
00:49:59,539 --> 00:50:02,708
you deny a cop something,
that shit can go left real fast.

876
00:50:05,377 --> 00:50:06,921
"Hannibal, can I please
take a picture with you?"

877
00:50:07,004 --> 00:50:09,006
"You know what, Officer,
I'm sorry, I'd rather not."

878
00:50:09,089 --> 00:50:10,424
"Hey, stop resisting!"

879
00:50:12,718 --> 00:50:13,886
"Stop resisting!"

880
00:50:17,347 --> 00:50:18,599
Then the news story is,

881
00:50:18,683 --> 00:50:21,185
"Comedian Hannibal Buress...

882
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:24,313
grabs police officer's gun
at the bus station."

883
00:50:26,315 --> 00:50:27,900
Now, there's an eyewitness
all of a sudden.

884
00:50:27,983 --> 00:50:30,319
"Yeah, I saw the whole thing.
Let me tell you what happened.

885
00:50:30,402 --> 00:50:33,113
Hannibal walked off the plane,
went to the bathroom, took a shit.

886
00:50:33,197 --> 00:50:36,200
And he walked right up to the cop
and started grabbing his gun.

887
00:50:36,283 --> 00:50:37,993
And he's way bigger and stronger
than you think.

888
00:50:38,077 --> 00:50:39,704
And I don't like his stand-up.
His show sucked.

889
00:50:39,787 --> 00:50:41,789
<i>Broad City</i> is okay. Guilty."

890
00:50:49,504 --> 00:50:50,505
Ah.

891
00:50:53,801 --> 00:50:56,053
I had a weird situation recently.

892
00:50:57,930 --> 00:51:00,557
My cleaning lady
brought her kid with her.

893
00:51:02,727 --> 00:51:06,897
I hear you, I know that sounds obnoxious
to start a joke with "my cleaning lady,"

894
00:51:06,981 --> 00:51:10,275
but the shit, it's not that extravagant.
It's like 60, 70 bucks.

895
00:51:10,359 --> 00:51:13,320
A bunch of you motherfuckers spend that
on vaporizer accessories easily.

896
00:51:13,403 --> 00:51:17,825
So don't... judge me
and my 60-buck cleaning lady.

897
00:51:19,994 --> 00:51:22,622
She brought a kid with her.
Here's the problem with that.

898
00:51:22,705 --> 00:51:26,834
I'm 32, I live by myself. You can't just
bring a kid into my world unannounced.

899
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:30,755
Give me 15 minutes heads up
out of courtesy at least, God damn.

900
00:51:31,839 --> 00:51:35,092
But I have empathy, so I realized
she brought her kid because she had to.

901
00:51:35,175 --> 00:51:37,594
Not because she wanted to.
So I didn't kick them out.

902
00:51:37,678 --> 00:51:39,847
I didn't say, "Hey, both of you
get the fuck out of here!

903
00:51:39,930 --> 00:51:43,017
You come back by yourself when you're
ready to clean for real, all right?"

904
00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:45,686
I didn't say that,
'cause I'm not a goddamn monster.

905
00:51:46,729 --> 00:51:49,148
I welcomed them to my place.
I popped the Xbox on.

906
00:51:49,231 --> 00:51:52,777
I grabbed the kid some juice.
I'm a great host when I'm under pressure.

907
00:51:54,319 --> 00:51:56,155
I go into my room to do some work.

908
00:51:56,238 --> 00:51:57,948
I overhear the kid say,

909
00:51:58,032 --> 00:51:59,408
"Ma!

910
00:51:59,491 --> 00:52:01,744
Ma, is there another room to chill in?

911
00:52:01,827 --> 00:52:04,872
Because this couch
is really uncomfortable."

912
00:52:04,955 --> 00:52:07,166
"Oh, for real?
You're uncomfortable, little homie?

913
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:09,710
That's interesting
that you're uncomfortable,

914
00:52:09,794 --> 00:52:10,836
'cause I'm uncomfortable, too.

915
00:52:10,920 --> 00:52:12,337
First of all, I didn't know
your ma was doing

916
00:52:12,421 --> 00:52:15,215
an impromptu bring-your-child-to-work day.

917
00:52:15,299 --> 00:52:16,967
I'm uncomfortable.
I don't want you here, man.

918
00:52:17,051 --> 00:52:18,052
There's lube and drugs.

919
00:52:18,135 --> 00:52:20,721
You might find a fake pussy
if you look around enough.

920
00:52:21,305 --> 00:52:22,472
I don't want you to see that stuff.

921
00:52:22,556 --> 00:52:24,892
You don't deserve
to see that stuff this early."

922
00:52:39,073 --> 00:52:41,075
It's called a Fleshlight. And...

923
00:52:42,702 --> 00:52:44,161
And I got it as a gift once.

924
00:52:44,244 --> 00:52:46,663
I used it twice for the novelty,
once for loneliness.

925
00:52:46,747 --> 00:52:49,709
And... then I stopped after that.

926
00:52:49,792 --> 00:52:52,419
You know you gotta put that shit
in hot water every time?

927
00:52:52,502 --> 00:52:54,088
Get out of here.
Every time?

928
00:52:54,171 --> 00:52:56,173
No, not a chance.

929
00:52:57,174 --> 00:52:59,676
Let the dust settle on that device.

930
00:53:07,768 --> 00:53:08,894
Man, it's messed up.

931
00:53:08,978 --> 00:53:12,606
Pornography has changed
how I view some situations.

932
00:53:12,689 --> 00:53:15,860
Porn has changed
how I view some situations.

933
00:53:15,943 --> 00:53:17,820
Now, because of porn,

934
00:53:17,903 --> 00:53:23,617
any time a white couple
in their 40s or 50s is really nice to me,

935
00:53:23,700 --> 00:53:27,287
I think it's 'cause the dude wants me
to fuck his wife in front of him.

936
00:53:28,956 --> 00:53:31,166
"Hey, Hannibal, good show.
Can we get you a drink?"

937
00:53:31,250 --> 00:53:33,252
Uh...

938
00:53:34,378 --> 00:53:35,963
Uh...

939
00:53:36,922 --> 00:53:38,841
Uh...

940
00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:41,844
"I'm not really with that cuckold stuff.
Man, I can't...

941
00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:44,346
Can't do that.
Can't fuck her with you in the room.

942
00:53:44,429 --> 00:53:49,518
Apologies, man, I'm flattered.
I'm skeptical, but, uh...

943
00:53:49,601 --> 00:53:52,646
you all do your own thing, man.
I'm not into that."

944
00:53:54,606 --> 00:53:58,610
"Okay, maybe we could negotiate
some type of Skype situation where...

945
00:53:58,693 --> 00:54:00,905
you can't talk during the Skype, though.

946
00:54:01,906 --> 00:54:04,324
I will mute you if you say anything.

947
00:54:06,911 --> 00:54:08,245
So don't pop into Skype with,

948
00:54:08,328 --> 00:54:09,830
'Yeah, you fuck her
with that big, black--'

949
00:54:09,914 --> 00:54:12,082
Hey, you're muted, man.
Come on!"

950
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:20,257
I'm a big sports fan, man.
I'm a big sports fan.

951
00:54:20,340 --> 00:54:23,052
I've spent a lot of time in New Orleans
over the past year.

952
00:54:23,135 --> 00:54:25,137
And I went and watched
their basketball team.

953
00:54:25,220 --> 00:54:27,764
Their basketball team changed their name
to the Pelicans.

954
00:54:27,848 --> 00:54:32,769
The New Orleans Pelicans, which I thought
was a goofy name change at first.

955
00:54:32,853 --> 00:54:35,689
But it's not the worst
NBA franchise name at all.

956
00:54:35,772 --> 00:54:38,483
There's the San Antonio Spurs.

957
00:54:39,693 --> 00:54:41,361
Spur is part of a boot.

958
00:54:42,362 --> 00:54:44,364
There's the Phoenix Suns.

959
00:54:44,448 --> 00:54:46,867
That's stupid.
There's only one sun.

960
00:54:53,373 --> 00:54:55,334
There's the Orlando Magic, that's stupid.

961
00:54:55,417 --> 00:54:58,838
You're just gonna name your team
after another basketball player.

962
00:55:02,299 --> 00:55:03,467
There's the Utah Jazz.

963
00:55:03,550 --> 00:55:06,220
Used to be the New Orleans Jazz,
but they moved to Utah,

964
00:55:06,303 --> 00:55:07,637
keeping the Jazz name,

965
00:55:07,721 --> 00:55:11,100
even though there's nothing jazzy
about Utah at all.

966
00:55:11,183 --> 00:55:13,810
It's the least jazzy place
I've visited in my life.

967
00:55:13,894 --> 00:55:17,522
It's actually a misdemeanor
to own a saxophone in Utah.

968
00:55:20,734 --> 00:55:22,777
Minneapolis Lakers
changed into the LA Lakers.

969
00:55:22,862 --> 00:55:25,155
LA is in a drought,
there's no goddamn lakes there.

970
00:55:25,239 --> 00:55:27,407
People are dying right now.

971
00:55:27,491 --> 00:55:30,452
You clappin' about people dying?
Y'all suck.

972
00:55:33,873 --> 00:55:35,665
So I thought the Pelican name was goofy...

973
00:55:36,291 --> 00:55:38,668
and so I researched pelicans.

974
00:55:38,752 --> 00:55:40,379
If you search "pelican" on YouTube,

975
00:55:40,462 --> 00:55:44,049
the first result is a video of a pelican

976
00:55:44,133 --> 00:55:47,427
calmly walking up
to a group of pigeons chillin',

977
00:55:47,511 --> 00:55:50,055
and then just ate one whole.

978
00:55:52,766 --> 00:55:53,850
Just ate it whole.

979
00:55:53,934 --> 00:55:56,478
And didn't even run away afterwards,
he sat around.

980
00:55:56,561 --> 00:55:59,899
"Holy shit, I just ate your friend
in front of you! Wow!

981
00:55:59,982 --> 00:56:01,984
I gotta say,
I feel very powerful right now.

982
00:56:02,067 --> 00:56:05,779
God damn! Your friend was right there,
now he's right here. He's gone!

983
00:56:05,862 --> 00:56:08,657
Holy shit, I'm shaking right now!

984
00:56:08,740 --> 00:56:10,825
One by one,
you bitches look at me in my eyes

985
00:56:10,910 --> 00:56:13,037
and tell me how that made you feel. Wow!

986
00:56:13,828 --> 00:56:16,248
Whoo! Hey, human, were you filmin' that?

987
00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:19,001
If you gonna post online,
make sure you post it on YouTube

988
00:56:19,084 --> 00:56:21,836
and WorldstarHipHop
to maximize the views.

989
00:56:23,338 --> 00:56:25,507
Very different audiences,
not a lot of overlap.

990
00:56:25,590 --> 00:56:28,010
You gotta post on both.
We can go viral, man."

991
00:56:29,261 --> 00:56:32,056
So I got respect for the pelican
after that.

992
00:56:32,139 --> 00:56:35,850
The Pelicans play basketball in a building
that recently changed its name

993
00:56:35,935 --> 00:56:37,894
to the Smoothie King Center.

994
00:56:37,978 --> 00:56:39,939
Yeah, the Smoothie King Center.

995
00:56:40,022 --> 00:56:41,023
I'm like you were,

996
00:56:41,106 --> 00:56:43,192
I didn't know Smoothie King
was crushing shit like that either.

997
00:56:43,275 --> 00:56:46,317
I didn't know they were doing that well.
I knew they were doing all right.

998
00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:49,448
I didn't know Smoothie King
was doing NBA-arena well.

999
00:56:50,782 --> 00:56:52,993
I thought Smoothie King was
doing well in the same way

1000
00:56:53,077 --> 00:56:56,621
where your favorite taco spot
opens up a second location.

1001
00:56:56,705 --> 00:57:00,875
Where you're like, "Oh, shit.
Good for Gustavo, man. He crushing it.

1002
00:57:00,960 --> 00:57:03,378
Got his number two spot.
Good for him."

1003
00:57:04,921 --> 00:57:06,048
But Smoothie King is smart,

1004
00:57:06,131 --> 00:57:08,133
'cause they're one of the few companies
that have NBA arenas

1005
00:57:08,217 --> 00:57:11,261
that can sell their product
effectively in the arena.

1006
00:57:11,345 --> 00:57:13,638
You can buy a smoothie
in the Smoothie King Center,

1007
00:57:13,722 --> 00:57:15,849
then sit down and watch the game.

1008
00:57:15,932 --> 00:57:17,809
Well, nobody's going to the Staples Center

1009
00:57:17,892 --> 00:57:20,395
and then buying three printers
and watching the Lakers.

1010
00:57:20,479 --> 00:57:23,857
I know they don't sell printers there.
Do they? I don't know.

1011
00:57:23,941 --> 00:57:26,485
Nobody in Orlando's
going to the Amway Center

1012
00:57:26,568 --> 00:57:29,363
and getting caught in a pyramid scheme
real quick and...

1013
00:57:30,489 --> 00:57:32,491
watching the Magic.

1014
00:57:33,117 --> 00:57:35,077
I guess what I'm saying is,
good for Smoothie King,

1015
00:57:35,160 --> 00:57:36,286
in a very long-winded way.

1016
00:57:36,370 --> 00:57:38,870
So, we watched the Pelicans play
at the Smoothie King Center.

1017
00:57:40,415 --> 00:57:42,667
Me and my lady at the time,
we leave, we're looking for a taxi.

1018
00:57:42,751 --> 00:57:44,293
We get a few blocks away.
We find one.

1019
00:57:44,336 --> 00:57:47,047
It's a guy leaning on his taxi,
arms folded.

1020
00:57:47,131 --> 00:57:48,382
And I walk up to him, I say,

1021
00:57:48,465 --> 00:57:51,051
"Hey, sir, can you take us
to Frenchmen Street, please?"

1022
00:57:51,135 --> 00:57:54,263
He says, "I can't take you.
I'm already hired. Waiting for someone.

1023
00:57:54,346 --> 00:57:55,639
I can't take you."

1024
00:57:55,722 --> 00:57:59,434
And my girl, she was kinda...
We were both a little drunk.

1025
00:57:59,518 --> 00:58:03,605
She was a little oblivious
and slightly white, so...

1026
00:58:05,024 --> 00:58:07,692
So she just said, "All right,"
and was ready to walk away,

1027
00:58:07,776 --> 00:58:09,278
but I'm a skeptic at heart.

1028
00:58:09,361 --> 00:58:10,570
I'm a skeptic, 'cause I'm thinking,

1029
00:58:10,654 --> 00:58:14,699
"Wait a second, who the hell
ordered a yellow taxi ahead of time

1030
00:58:14,783 --> 00:58:17,369
to leave the basketball game...

1031
00:58:17,452 --> 00:58:19,496
and also told it
to be three blocks away?"

1032
00:58:19,579 --> 00:58:22,207
What? In my mind, nobody, that's who.

1033
00:58:22,291 --> 00:58:24,626
So, I'm a gambler.
I'm a gambling dude.

1034
00:58:24,709 --> 00:58:28,047
I politely, calmly, call his bluff.

1035
00:58:29,006 --> 00:58:31,633
I say, "What's the name of the person
that you're waiting for?

1036
00:58:31,716 --> 00:58:33,052
Because maybe it's me."

1037
00:58:34,053 --> 00:58:38,723
This guy proceeds to just crumble
under this very light pressure.

1038
00:58:40,059 --> 00:58:41,601
He crumbled.
He started screaming.

1039
00:58:41,685 --> 00:58:44,019
"Do you have permission to ask me
the name of the person?

1040
00:58:44,021 --> 00:58:47,024
You don't have permission to ask me the
name of the person that I'm waiting for!

1041
00:58:47,107 --> 00:58:49,234
You don't have permission
to ask me that shit!"

1042
00:58:50,027 --> 00:58:54,073
And I'm looking at him,
"Dude, you could've just said, 'Michael.'

1043
00:58:55,532 --> 00:58:57,992
Lie to me, man!
You could've said anything!"

1044
00:59:00,037 --> 00:59:03,790
So now it's obvious he's not taking me
because I'm black, which was upsetting.

1045
00:59:03,873 --> 00:59:07,294
And now my lady realizes
he's a piece of shit, so she says...

1046
00:59:07,377 --> 00:59:09,463
"You're a piece of shit."

1047
00:59:09,546 --> 00:59:11,340
And I'm yelling at him,
"Why won't you take us?"

1048
00:59:11,423 --> 00:59:13,675
He's yelling back. We're yelling back
and forth, back and forth,

1049
00:59:13,758 --> 00:59:15,177
yelling horrible things at each other.

1050
00:59:15,260 --> 00:59:17,887
Just a real unproductive conversation.

1051
00:59:19,139 --> 00:59:20,849
It's funny how some people see that,
they wanna help out.

1052
00:59:20,932 --> 00:59:22,267
This bigger white guy
saw the whole thing.

1053
00:59:22,351 --> 00:59:24,644
He walks up and says,
"Hey! Hey, you guys! Hey!

1054
00:59:24,728 --> 00:59:27,647
Stop arguing with this asshole!

1055
00:59:27,731 --> 00:59:29,816
You don't need to do this.
This is what you do.

1056
00:59:29,899 --> 00:59:33,528
You write down his taxi number
and you call the Taxi Commission.

1057
00:59:33,612 --> 00:59:35,072
Then they're gonna fine him,

1058
00:59:35,155 --> 00:59:37,741
and then they're gonna get
his foreign ass out of the country."

1059
00:59:37,824 --> 00:59:39,451
I was like, "Holy shit, dude!

1060
00:59:41,661 --> 00:59:44,998
Yo, did you just double-down
on his racism right now?

1061
00:59:47,876 --> 00:59:49,878
Did you just see him not giving us a ride

1062
00:59:49,961 --> 00:59:52,214
and raise it to
a get-the-fuck-out-of-the-country?

1063
00:59:52,297 --> 00:59:54,174
Because that's next level shit.

1064
00:59:54,258 --> 00:59:56,760
I don't think you're
helping right now, man."

1065
01:00:00,764 --> 01:00:02,682
Sports are amazing.

1066
01:00:06,103 --> 01:00:07,104
Sports are so crazy.

1067
01:00:07,187 --> 01:00:09,689
There's dudes that get paid
millions of dollars

1068
01:00:09,773 --> 01:00:11,525
just to talk about sports.

1069
01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:16,405
There's a segment during the NFL season
called "Bold Predictions."

1070
01:00:16,488 --> 01:00:18,407
And it's where four dudes
sit around a table

1071
01:00:18,490 --> 01:00:21,034
and just say outlandish shit
for a few minutes.

1072
01:00:21,743 --> 01:00:23,662
"Hey, what's your bold prediction
for Sunday?"

1073
01:00:23,745 --> 01:00:26,915
"I think Peyton Manning is gonna throw
for nine touchdowns."

1074
01:00:26,998 --> 01:00:28,792
"Wow, that's a very bold prediction!"

1075
01:00:28,875 --> 01:00:31,211
"Hey, that's the name of the segment,
isn't it, man?"

1076
01:00:31,295 --> 01:00:34,088
"Well, okay, but what if he doesn't
throw for nine touchdowns?"

1077
01:00:34,173 --> 01:00:37,759
"Man, I'm not accountable
for any of the shit I'm saying up here.

1078
01:00:37,842 --> 01:00:40,887
Thought we were just tryin' to fill time
and fill these segments until we die, man.

1079
01:00:40,970 --> 01:00:43,932
How about you never challenge me
on television again, you nerd?

1080
01:00:44,015 --> 01:00:45,475
How about I got another bold prediction?

1081
01:00:45,559 --> 01:00:48,312
If you say some shit like that again,
I'll punch you in your face, dawg.

1082
01:00:48,395 --> 01:00:49,563
That's two bold predictions.

1083
01:00:49,646 --> 01:00:51,773
And now next, for the Hot Seat..."

1084
01:01:00,907 --> 01:01:02,867
I enjoy sports.

1085
01:01:02,951 --> 01:01:05,370
I'm not a... I'm not a big...

1086
01:01:05,454 --> 01:01:07,664
Not a big baseball fan.

1087
01:01:08,790 --> 01:01:12,877
I respect the skill. I respect
the discipline it takes to be great.

1088
01:01:12,961 --> 01:01:14,713
But it's just...

1089
01:01:14,796 --> 01:01:16,340
It's tough to watch.

1090
01:01:16,965 --> 01:01:19,593
Give me situational baseball.

1091
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:24,931
Give me bottom of the ninth, tie game,
bases loaded, full count, two outs.

1092
01:01:25,014 --> 01:01:27,892
But don't show me
what led up to that shit.

1093
01:01:30,061 --> 01:01:31,313
Baseball is boring.

1094
01:01:31,396 --> 01:01:32,772
A baseball game is good to go to

1095
01:01:32,856 --> 01:01:35,192
if you got a friend
you haven't seen in eight years,

1096
01:01:35,275 --> 01:01:38,111
and you wanna just go somewhere
and talk for a few hours,

1097
01:01:38,195 --> 01:01:39,238
with no interruption.

1098
01:01:39,321 --> 01:01:41,155
Baseball stinks!

1099
01:01:41,240 --> 01:01:44,033
One of the greatest achievements
in a game of baseball is the "no hitter."

1100
01:01:44,117 --> 01:01:46,453
That's when nothing happens.

1101
01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:48,872
"Oh, man, he was so good.
Nothing happened, man.

1102
01:01:48,955 --> 01:01:50,123
He was amazing!

1103
01:01:50,207 --> 01:01:53,585
It was an amazing afternoon of pop flies
and ground balls.

1104
01:01:53,668 --> 01:01:55,835
It was great.
Everybody was a-swingin' and a-missin'.

1105
01:01:55,879 --> 01:01:57,464
It was amazing!"

1106
01:02:00,091 --> 01:02:01,593
I don't like
some of the rules in baseball.

1107
01:02:01,676 --> 01:02:03,637
I don't like the intentional walk rule,

1108
01:02:03,720 --> 01:02:07,349
which allows a pitcher
to avoid his fears and problems.

1109
01:02:09,268 --> 01:02:11,228
"I think this guy's too good.
He's very good.

1110
01:02:11,311 --> 01:02:13,563
Y'all think he's good, too?
I think he's too good.

1111
01:02:13,647 --> 01:02:16,275
That motherfucker's amazing.
Back there, y'all think he's too good?

1112
01:02:16,358 --> 01:02:18,485
All right, cool, we're not gonna do that.

1113
01:02:18,568 --> 01:02:20,987
We're not gonna throw to him, so, uh...

1114
01:02:21,070 --> 01:02:24,949
Catcher, please rise and move
a comical distance away from the plate.

1115
01:02:26,743 --> 01:02:28,787
Just a goofy-ass distance
away from the plate.

1116
01:02:28,870 --> 01:02:31,745
I'm gonna throw to you four times,
'cause if I throw it to him fairly,

1117
01:02:31,748 --> 01:02:35,168
he might have me on TV doing this shit,
right here.

1118
01:02:35,252 --> 01:02:36,420
'Oh, man.'"

1119
01:02:36,503 --> 01:02:37,837
That has to suck, as a pitcher,

1120
01:02:37,921 --> 01:02:41,758
you have to look at your bad job
in the sky, "Oh, no.

1121
01:02:41,841 --> 01:02:43,176
Not again."

1122
01:02:44,177 --> 01:02:46,095
Sometimes there's fireworks
when you do a bad job.

1123
01:02:46,179 --> 01:02:49,516
Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!
"Oh, man!

1124
01:02:49,599 --> 01:02:52,852
It's messed up, 'cause I like fireworks,
but not like this, man.

1125
01:02:52,936 --> 01:02:55,397
Context is everything, for real."

1126
01:02:56,315 --> 01:02:58,567
Pow, pow, pow, pow,
pow, pow, oh!

1127
01:03:00,151 --> 01:03:03,822
Pitcher. That's one of the few jobs,
where if you do poorly...

1128
01:03:04,906 --> 01:03:06,491
there's explosions in the sky.

1129
01:03:07,951 --> 01:03:10,287
One of the others is TSA agent.

1130
01:03:11,496 --> 01:03:12,581
Like, "Oh, shit.

1131
01:03:13,582 --> 01:03:15,542
Oh, man."

1132
01:03:20,880 --> 01:03:23,800
So, I don't like baseball
for those reasons.

1133
01:03:26,219 --> 01:03:28,847
I'm a huge fan of steroids, though.

1134
01:03:28,930 --> 01:03:31,850
I love steroids.
I'm flattered when athletes do steroids.

1135
01:03:31,933 --> 01:03:33,142
Thank you.

1136
01:03:33,226 --> 01:03:35,770
Thank you for sacrificing
your long-term health

1137
01:03:35,854 --> 01:03:38,398
for my short-term entertainment.
Hell, yeah.

1138
01:03:38,482 --> 01:03:42,611
Thank you so much for taking drugs
to excel at this child's game.

1139
01:03:43,945 --> 01:03:46,365
But they get upset when they found out
athletes was on steroids.

1140
01:03:46,448 --> 01:03:49,451
They get mad.
The game gets mad.

1141
01:03:49,534 --> 01:03:51,661
The game of baseball.
Not The Game, the rapper.

1142
01:03:51,745 --> 01:03:54,789
I don't know his feelings on steroids.

1143
01:03:54,873 --> 01:03:59,085
"We found out
you were on steroids in 2008."

1144
01:03:59,168 --> 01:04:01,087
They find out really late sometimes.

1145
01:04:02,088 --> 01:04:05,299
It would be way more exciting if they
found out midgame and shut it down.

1146
01:04:05,384 --> 01:04:08,637
Like...
"Stop the game right now!

1147
01:04:08,720 --> 01:04:11,348
He is on drugs!
You don't believe me?

1148
01:04:11,431 --> 01:04:13,850
Grab his balls, they're very light.
That's a symptom.

1149
01:04:13,933 --> 01:04:15,810
He's on drugs. Game over."

1150
01:04:18,229 --> 01:04:20,982
"We found out
you were on steroids in 2008."

1151
01:04:21,065 --> 01:04:24,361
Well, you know what?
Sometimes you gotta let it go.

1152
01:04:24,444 --> 01:04:26,780
'Cause you know what that person
was probably doing on steroids?

1153
01:04:26,863 --> 01:04:30,450
They were probably hitting home runs,
creating happiness,

1154
01:04:30,534 --> 01:04:33,370
making strangers high five each other
and bond.

1155
01:04:33,453 --> 01:04:36,205
Like, Sammy Sosa
was on steroids years ago,

1156
01:04:36,289 --> 01:04:38,249
and he was hitting home runs.

1157
01:04:38,332 --> 01:04:40,710
And you know who was watching Sammy Sosa
in the stands?

1158
01:04:40,794 --> 01:04:44,088
Probably lots of fathers and sons
and they remember that moment.

1159
01:04:44,172 --> 01:04:45,339
"Hey, Dad.

1160
01:04:45,424 --> 01:04:48,468
Do you remember when Sammy Sosa
hit three home runs in one game?"

1161
01:04:48,552 --> 01:04:51,430
"Yep, I remember that, son.
That was your first baseball game."

1162
01:04:51,513 --> 01:04:54,182
"Oh, thanks for that moment.
That was amazing, Dad."

1163
01:04:54,265 --> 01:04:57,060
"It was great to share
that moment with you, son.

1164
01:04:57,143 --> 01:04:58,853
I love you.
You're my only son."

1165
01:05:00,397 --> 01:05:02,315
"I love you, too, Dad."

1166
01:05:02,399 --> 01:05:04,192
Steroids did that shit.

1167
01:05:07,111 --> 01:05:11,324
Steroids created that beautiful memory
for that father and son.

1168
01:05:11,408 --> 01:05:15,995
So, if you're against steroids,
you're against family, I guess.

1169
01:05:17,246 --> 01:05:21,167
Because PCP never did that
for a father and son.

1170
01:05:21,250 --> 01:05:22,669
There's never been a father and son...

1171
01:05:22,752 --> 01:05:26,380
"Hey, Dad, you remember when that
naked man wouldn't stop punching us? Oh!

1172
01:05:27,381 --> 01:05:28,758
What a horrible night, Daddy.

1173
01:05:28,842 --> 01:05:31,219
He had so many combinations,
and so much speed,

1174
01:05:31,302 --> 01:05:34,222
and it felt like he had equal power
in both fists, Dad.

1175
01:05:34,305 --> 01:05:37,892
What a... He was a beast.
He had no weaknesses, Pop."

1176
01:05:39,561 --> 01:05:42,230
They found out Lance Armstrong
was on steroids and I say,

1177
01:05:42,313 --> 01:05:46,109
"Who gives a fuck? He was riding a bike.
Let him do drugs. How about that?

1178
01:05:47,652 --> 01:05:51,531
How about you stop bothering that boy,
let him ride his bike and do his drugs?"

1179
01:05:53,157 --> 01:05:56,620
Also, Lance Armstrong somehow
became a millionaire for riding a bicycle,

1180
01:05:56,703 --> 01:05:59,748
so he's a goddamn magician in my eyes.

1181
01:06:00,832 --> 01:06:03,001
How do you do that?
How do you make any money riding a bike,

1182
01:06:03,084 --> 01:06:05,837
if you don't have a sandwich or a pizza
you're delivering to somebody?

1183
01:06:05,920 --> 01:06:09,966
So, let that magical drug boy
ride his bike and do his drugs.

1184
01:06:11,259 --> 01:06:12,677
And, of course he was on drugs.

1185
01:06:12,761 --> 01:06:14,929
Did you see how long he had
to ride a bike for?

1186
01:06:15,847 --> 01:06:18,850
I take an Adderall
just to clean my apartment.

1187
01:06:20,351 --> 01:06:21,645
And even then, I don't finish.

1188
01:06:21,728 --> 01:06:25,106
I just end up super-focused
on some weird shit from my past.

1189
01:06:26,274 --> 01:06:27,400
Like my high school yearbook.

1190
01:06:27,484 --> 01:06:29,778
"Damn, I miss my friend Ken,
my friend Torian,

1191
01:06:29,861 --> 01:06:31,070
my homie Black, my homie Scuba.

1192
01:06:31,154 --> 01:06:34,115
Look, debate team, football team.
Miss Carter's English class.

1193
01:06:34,198 --> 01:06:38,202
Oh, shit, it's my high school
brunch group! God damn, man!"

1194
01:06:38,286 --> 01:06:39,788
All right, good night, y'all.
Thanks a lot!

1195
01:06:50,298 --> 01:06:53,342
One more time for Hannibal Buress,
everybody!