BENJAMIN: Mum's always been good at remembering dates.
She remembers when we were born, when her parents died,
even the first time Dad and her had...
Actually, never mind.
Then, there's their wedding anniversary.
But is it still an anniversary when, you know...
(CALLS OUT) Mum, we're ready!
SONG: (ON COMPUTER) ♪ Love, love, love, love, love
- ♪ Di di di di di do - ♪ Love, love, love, love, love
♪ Di di di di di do
♪ I think I know what's happening
♪ I think that I can see...
♪ All this stuff is happening to you and me
- ♪ 'Cause we're in love, love, love, love, love - MICHELLE: Aww!
- ♪ Di di di di di do - ♪ We're in love, love, love, love, love
- ♪ Di di di di di do - ♪ We're in love ♪
So? What do you think?
"Save the date"? For what?
My wedding. To Wayne.
- I bags being flower girl. - Be my guest.
Mum, they're called 'save the date' videos.
Everyone is doing them.
But why put it on the internet for every Hairy, Dick and Fanny to see?
I knew you'd be like this.
We need to talk.
I'm getting married whether you save the date or not, Mum.
(HUFFS)
- Wayne! - Oh, yep.
See ya.
(WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO)
What was I supposed to do? La-la-la - pretend to be happy?
Maybe.
Ai-ya, you know Mummy. Everyone knows when I'm faking.
Can't help it. My face is too expressive.
May is so soon. What's the rush?
They have been together for over a year now.
You and Dad got married faster than that.
I...I did try warning her about the timing.
- Ouch! - Oh, sorry. Sorry.
When would ever be a good time?
Some time that isn't around your anniversary?
- Ouch! - Oh, sorry. Sorry.
(GUNFIRE ON TV)
ANDREW: I'm waiting for you. I'm waiting, I'm waiting.
- Where you going? Where you going? - OK. (LAUGHS) I'm gonna kill you.
Uh. Uh. Uh. (LAUGHS)
- Ohh! Don't be slack! - (LAUGHS)
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
(LAUGHS) Grab the big hook! Grab the big hook!
- That hook? - That one!
- Yaaaagh! - (SQUEALS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
OK, OK. Uh, dinner time now.
- Dad, it's three o'clock. - No, no, it's fine.
I need to head off to, uh, tune my harp, anyway.
See ya, Mr Law.
- (CLOSES DOOR) - What the hell, Dad?
Look, look, look - I'm trying to... to, uh, concentrate.
On what?!
- What is this? - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's a surprise. It's something for your mother.
(PHONES CHIME)
(PHONES BEEP)
SONG: ♪ Love, love, love, love, love
♪ Di di di di... ♪
This wouldn't have happened if we'd stayed in Hong Kong.
Kids here - too much freedom!
Isn't that why we moved?
So how do we stop it?
Maybe we can't.
So, what? We... we just let them get married?
Candy's not stupid.
Give her time. She'll come around.
Maybe we should support her instead of always beating off Wayne.
So how do we support her?
Maybe you should spend some time with Wayne.
(WATER SLOSHES IN TOILET)
So, uh... the 'save the date'.
Beg yours?
Uh, 'save the date'. The... the video.
It's, uh... very interesting.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, nah. That was all Candy and Ben.
Except for, uh... except for the bikes.
My mate Gavin found them at the tip.
So... pretty sweet.
Candy was actually worried you and Jenny would be upset by it, but.
- (GRUNTS) - (WATER FLOWS)
There she goes.
(FLUSHES TOILET)
Yeah, it's OK, Dad.
I know you're not too crash hot on Candy marrying me, but...
...you know, I'll be... I'll be a good husband.
Did I say something wrong?
Oh, it's... it's just, uh...
good husband - it's not so simple.
Yeah, nah, we've heard that, too.
Uh, that's why we've got ground rules.
One - never go to bed angry.
Two - always wash my hands before I touch...
Uh, um... when I married Candy's mum,
I thought I'd be a good husband too.
Work, work, work.
It's very Chinese thinking.
Hey.
(SPLAT!)
You and Jenny will be OK.
What's this?
JENNY: I stole these from the Thai massage place.
I'm not sure all the brides were born women, but they're very pretty.
Mummy wanted to apologise.
Do you know how long that video took to make?
Mummy's happy for you, really.
If my baby wants to get married...
...you have my blessing.
It's just... when your dad and me got married, we were so young...
But I'm not you.
And... Wayne's not Dad.
And I know you all think that he's some... bogan gweilo.
But he's so much more than that.
OK. You tell me about Wayne.
The first time I saw him, at Wendy Martin's party,
we didn't even speak,
but it was like every muscle in my body was alive.
And I know people fall in love all the time...
...but it feels like we invented it.
It sounds nice.
That makes Mummy happy to hear.
Not everyone gets to feel that.
BENJAMIN: It's messed up. How can Mum and Dad be married for 20 years
and not remember what love feels like?
Have they tried role-play?
The other day Mum said her and Dad have role-play Mondays.
Role-play?
Role-play.
All the missing drama costumes suddenly make sense.
Melissa, that's genius! We could put on a big show for her.
And I can show Mum when she's felt the love.
- Through your performance. - Help me workshop this.
When would've the key moments been when Mum and Dad felt the love?
Uh...
When they first met, first kiss, getting married.
- The honeymoon. - Mm-hm.
Let's physicalise.
(BOTH EXHALE HEAVILY)
(MIMICS JENNY) Ai-ya! So hot tonight in Hong Kong.
So humid. So sticky.
(MIMICS DANNY) Uh, Jenny-ah,
I always heard women from your village were the most beautiful.
I didn't believe it.
Until now.
- Ahh... - Don't speak.
I could just...
...just...
Oh... my... God!
What are you doing?
We're devising an original stage production
to remind Mum of the deep and profound love she shares with Dad.
Can we play?
- Yes! - No!
CANDY: It's so elegant.
They do surf and turf for mains, and for the cake,
they can do one that's made up of hundreds of little cupcakes.
JENNY: Ohh!
(LAUGHS)
Your Dad runs a restaurant, remember? No need for this.
But, Dad, we don't want you working on our wedding day.
You can't be part of it when you're cooking.
Hey, hey, every idea is a good idea, OK?
No need to decide now.
Wayne, oh, we're looking forward to meeting your mummy and daddy.
You are gonna love them so much.
Lorraine is the president of the local Monarchists League...
Ooh.
...and Gary is Mount Isa's biggest anti-halal campaigner.
Apparently, halal certification is a big conspiracy.
We can go and meet them in Mount Isa.
Right, Wayne?
Wayne?
Actually they, um... they don't know yet.
What? About the wedding?
Why?
It's just...
It's just that, um...
Wayne, just what?
They don't... they don't quite see you as one of us yet.
Any of you.
OK, guys. So... recap.
Our main points are, uh, Mum and Dad meeting, the wedding...
Copulation.
I don't want to play a sperm.
You won't just be anyone's sperm, Tammy, you'll be your dad's sperm.
Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing! You're gonna fertilise me! Mwah!
(DOOR OPENS)
- (CANDY SOBS) - JENNY: We'll go upstairs, OK?
Oh...
- What happened? - Everything is OK...
THE WEDDING IS OFF!!
- (SOBS) Don't push me! - (DOOR SLAMS)
DANNY: (ON PHONE) Is she still crying?
She's asleep now.
She hasn't cried that much since she shaved her armpits sideways.
Poor thing.
Always so sad when a relationship ends.
Well, what are you, um... doing, uh, tomorrow?
It's our, um, anniversary.
Oh, I... I know what day it is.
Well, I'd like to take you somewhere.
OK.
Oh... OK.
(CHUCKLES)
MELISSA: Oof.
- Poor Candy. - Oooff.
It's not her fault Wayne's parents belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
Don't you mean One Nation?
- More? - Nah, that's alright.
They'll sort it out. They're in love.
Actually, I've kind of had a bit of a crush on someone this past year.
(GASPS) I knew it!
- Really? - Do I know him?
(CHUCKLES) I don't know.
Oh, I think I do!
If you want my advice, you should just go for it.
If you don't grab it while it's right in front of you...
(MUFFLED) Melissa! Melissa!
- What are you doing?! - You told me to just go for it!
- Not with me! - Well, who else would it be, then?
(GRUNTS)
- Melissa... - Ugh!
- We're over! - Melissa!
Tooty Frutti is over!
- (SLAMS DOOR) - But our production!
BENJAMIN: Happy anniversary!
(LAUGHS) What's this?
Who says you can't celebrate?
Actually, your father's taking me out today.
Really?
I don't think we'll be out long.
We just need to spend some time together.
Really?
Oh, Benjamin. Aw... this looks fantastic.
(TEARFULLY) Dad!
Dad!
Oh, hello... Ooh! Hello. Ooh. OK, OK, OK.
My parents aren't bad people.
They just don't know any Asians.
Except for the Filipino lady across the road, but she's really mean.
Ah, Wayne, I'm sorry, I'm late. Uh, I have to...
It's like when I first met you and Jenny, and you hated me,
but now you've come to love me like a son.
(SOBS)
I don't like how my family is, but they're still my family.
(SOBS)
Well, um, think about... what Candy needs.
You know her well enough, maybe... maybe you'll win her back.
(CLOSES DOOR)
(SOBS)
(STARTS ENGINE)
Thanks, Dad!
I love you!
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Uh, happy anniversary.
You too.
Um...
- Yeah. - Yeah, OK.
ANDREW: (UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Oh, Jenny, you will love it.
There are koalas and beaches.
- I've heard there are snakes. - Oh, there are snakes.
(SIGHS)
But none as dangerous as mine.
Danny, you are so romantic.
And then you kiss.
- You cannot be serious. - It wasn't my idea.
- What's the problem? - No problem. I'm not doing this.
Got a Plan C?
(DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY)
- CANDY: Go back to Mount Isa, Wayne. - Candy!
- I'm sorry. It's my fault. - Yeah, it is!
I know you haven't had any formal drama training...
I should have told you sooner, but it's just... Candy.
- Shut up! - You mean him or me?
Why didn't you tell me your parents were...
- Hillbillies? - Because I was scared!
That you'd... you'd think I was like them.
That I wasn't more, you know, sophisticated...
...and shit.
(SIGHS) I love you.
I don't want to lose you.
Look, I've... I've called my parents. They'll come around, I think.
And even if they don't, you know...
...I'm still gonna marry you.
(CHUCKLES) Whoa.
So, Wayne, your lines are highlighted in orange...
Oh.
- Mmm. - Oh!
(JOGS OVER GRAVEL)
Here.
Oh, careful, careful. Ooh!
OK. OK. Ooh!
Ooh-ooh! OK.
One... two... three.
Open! Surprise!
Oh.
Oh... (LAUGHS)
What is this?
This is your anniversary present. Uh, OUR anniversary present.
You bought us mud?
No, no. Think big.
Imagine! Here's where the lounge room will be.
And the kitchen.
And downstairs, our Asian grocery store,
where we'll work together, as a family.
No more restaurant.
No more long hours apart.
One family.
One building.
Together.
You planned all this yourself?
You always wanted me to be there more, right?
So now I can be there.
All the time.
What do you think?
Well, I'm impressed.
But I don't think this is for me.
What... what do you mean? Of course it is.
Look - that's you right there.
(SIGHS)
Look.
We married young.
We've given each other children, a home, a good life.
But this... is YOUR dream, not mine.
What is your dream, then?
I don't know.
But I want to find out.
And you?
I want a wife.
A family.
A mother to my children.
But do you want ME, though?
MICHELLE: They're here! They're here!
CANDY: Shh! Shut up! Quick, they're coming!
Quick, Michelle, run! Run, Michelle!
BENJAMIN: (ANNOUNCER VOICE) Welcome, special guests,
on this, your 20th anniversary!
Ben?
- Surprise. - Yeah, what he said.
Uh, what's going on?
- Wha...? - Shh.
What? OK.
Go.
Throughout the ages, there have been great love stories -
Kim and Kanye,
Belle and the Beast, Romeo and Juliet.
They both died.
But tonight, you will witness the greatest love story of all time -
the story of Jenny and Danny!
MICHELLE AND CANDY: Whoooa!
Twenty years ago, in a land far, far away,
there was a young man named Danny.
(MICHELLE AND CANDY CHUCKLE)
Ai-ya!
Um... uh, kids...
Jenny-ah, my dream is to move away from Hong Kong,
away from the crowd, to raise a family.
ANDREW: What happened to your Cantonese?
Really? I never been to Australia!
DANNY: Ben, please...
Oh, you will love it.
There are koala and beaches.
I heard there are snakes.
Oh, there are snakes, but none as dangerous as mine!
Kids...
Oh, Danny, you are so romantic!
Oh, Jenny, kiss me!
Kids!
Uh...
We have, uh, something to tell you.
BOTH: We're getting a divorce.
(DOOR OPENS)
Knock-knock.
I liked your show.
But it wasn't like that - at least, not for us.
Well, it's just INSPIRED by real events.
No-one expects it to be completely accurate.
I know this is hard for you.
I know how much you didn't want this to happen.
Look at me when I'm talking to you?
You know, Daddy and Mummy fitted together once.
Maybe not as closely as this, but for a while, it worked.
But tonight...
...you reminded me how much I've always felt the love...
...from my kids.
(SIGHS)
Your dad and I made five beautiful children.
Nothing will undo that.
We will still be good parents.
Just... not together.
Oh, it's going to be OK, I promise.
Hm?
Aaaargh!
- (BOTH SQUEAL) - Wet day!
(ALL SQUEAL AND SHOUT)
Where are you, Ben? Whoa!
They don't seem to be taking it too badly.
- (ALL LAUGH) - (LAUGHS)
(ALL SQUEAL AND LAUGH)
Oh, Benjamin. Darling, are you OK?
Yeah.
Mum!
BENJAMIN: People always say there are rules -
that families work better this way or that way,
or that parents should stick it out for the sake of their kids.
But sometimes parents work better apart.
After all, there are the rules...
...and there are the Laws.