1
00:00:35,065 --> 00:00:40,065
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

2
00:00:53,101 --> 00:00:55,501
You scored yourself a
nice corner. Good job.

3
00:00:55,503 --> 00:00:57,671
Hi. I'm Maura Ellis.

4
00:00:57,673 --> 00:00:59,772
I'm not part of a
religious group or anything.

5
00:00:59,774 --> 00:01:03,143
I'm just a nurse who likes
to give back on her days off.

6
00:01:03,145 --> 00:01:05,112
You know, when you're living outdoors,

7
00:01:05,114 --> 00:01:06,946
skin cancer is a real concern.

8
00:01:06,948 --> 00:01:08,714
So I got you some sunscreen,

9
00:01:08,716 --> 00:01:11,550
and you, my friend, have
some irregular moles.

10
00:01:11,552 --> 00:01:13,452
You're a very friendly person.

11
00:01:13,454 --> 00:01:15,755
Wanna come to my house and take a shower?

12
00:01:15,757 --> 00:01:17,023
Maybe make a list of goals?

13
00:01:17,025 --> 00:01:18,824
Oh, I have a girlfriend.

14
00:01:18,826 --> 00:01:20,860
Great. It's important to have
a lady out there in the street.

15
00:01:20,862 --> 00:01:23,529
What do you call it, a
road bitch or something?

16
00:01:23,531 --> 00:01:24,663
Her name's Karen.

17
00:01:24,665 --> 00:01:26,732
Your little mama? Your street wife?

18
00:01:26,734 --> 00:01:27,901
(SIGHS) Anyway,

19
00:01:27,903 --> 00:01:29,403
I'm pretty good with sayings,

20
00:01:29,405 --> 00:01:33,874
so I make these cards for my sister,
but I think maybe you could use one.

21
00:01:33,876 --> 00:01:37,109
Without the dark night, we
would never see the bright stars.

22
00:01:37,111 --> 00:01:38,412
Is this from <i>Twilight?</i>

23
00:01:38,414 --> 00:01:39,478
No, I made it up.

24
00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:40,880
Mmm, no, you didn't.

25
00:01:40,882 --> 00:01:41,948
Yeah, I did.

26
00:01:41,950 --> 00:01:43,817
See you later.

27
00:01:43,819 --> 00:01:44,918
Wait.

28
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,485
Wait a minute.

29
00:01:46,487 --> 00:01:47,720
Hey!

30
00:01:47,722 --> 00:01:49,156
You're not homeless?

31
00:01:49,158 --> 00:01:50,589
You were on a roll.

32
00:01:50,591 --> 00:01:51,991
Well, give me back the sunscreen

33
00:01:51,993 --> 00:01:53,993
so I can give it to an
actual homeless person!

34
00:01:53,995 --> 00:01:55,162
Like this lady.

35
00:01:55,164 --> 00:01:58,865
Fuck off! I'm the manager here.

36
00:01:58,867 --> 00:02:00,736
0 for 2.

37
00:02:02,805 --> 00:02:05,806
MAURA: Polenta! Come get your dinner.

38
00:02:05,808 --> 00:02:08,708
(LAPTOP RINGING)

39
00:02:08,710 --> 00:02:10,510
Mom?

40
00:02:10,512 --> 00:02:11,710
- Hi. Can you hear me?
- (MEOWING)

41
00:02:11,712 --> 00:02:13,913
BUCKY: <i>Hiya, kid. What
are you up to today?</i>

42
00:02:13,915 --> 00:02:16,615
Dad, come in front of the
camera so I can see you.

43
00:02:16,617 --> 00:02:18,518
DEANNA: <i>How are things
at the hospital, honey?</i>

44
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:20,554
<i>We heard that Atlanta
had a terrible storm.</i>

45
00:02:20,556 --> 00:02:21,788
- <i>Garage sale.</i>
- Okay.

46
00:02:21,790 --> 00:02:25,524
Can you guys both sit in front
of the camera when you talk

47
00:02:25,526 --> 00:02:27,727
so that I can see you and
hear you at the same time?

48
00:02:27,729 --> 00:02:30,030
- <i>We don't get this Skype crap.</i>
- There's nothing to get.

49
00:02:30,032 --> 00:02:31,798
- You're doing it.
- DEANNA: <i>Maura,</i>

50
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,566
<i>we have some news.</i>

51
00:02:33,568 --> 00:02:35,837
<i>Maura, we have some news.</i>

52
00:02:36,972 --> 00:02:39,138
- Oh, my God. Who's sick?
- BUCKY: <i>Oh, for cry-eye, Maura.</i>

53
00:02:39,140 --> 00:02:41,240
<i>Relax!</i>

54
00:02:41,242 --> 00:02:44,178
<i>We decided</i>

55
00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:48,681
<i>to sell the house.</i>

56
00:02:48,683 --> 00:02:50,951
Yeah, okay. Funny joke. What's the news?

57
00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:52,619
<i>We are. We're selling it.</i>

58
00:02:52,621 --> 00:02:54,086
The one we grew up in?

59
00:02:54,088 --> 00:02:55,187
Are you selling it to each other?

60
00:02:55,189 --> 00:02:56,655
<i>No, honey.</i>

61
00:02:56,657 --> 00:02:59,024
- Why would you do that?
- DEANNA: <i>We don't want it anymore.</i>

62
00:02:59,026 --> 00:03:00,092
- <i>It's too big.</i>
- Look, if this is some kind

63
00:03:00,094 --> 00:03:02,762
of financial thing, I can
help you out with money.

64
00:03:02,764 --> 00:03:04,364
DEANNA: <i>No, honey.</i>

65
00:03:04,366 --> 00:03:07,500
<i>All we need you to do is to
come and clean out your bedroom</i>

66
00:03:07,502 --> 00:03:08,768
<i>because it's a bottomless pit.</i>

67
00:03:08,770 --> 00:03:11,971
Okay. I can come. Just don't
make a move until I get there.

68
00:03:11,973 --> 00:03:13,773
Does Kate know about this?

69
00:03:13,775 --> 00:03:15,574
BUCKY: <i>We haven't told her yet.</i>

70
00:03:15,576 --> 00:03:17,911
<i>You two take news so differently.</i>

71
00:03:17,913 --> 00:03:20,746
<i>We wondered if maybe</i>

72
00:03:20,748 --> 00:03:23,048
<i>you should tell her.</i>

73
00:03:23,050 --> 00:03:24,684
<i>Because we don't want to.</i>

74
00:03:24,686 --> 00:03:26,722
Why do I always have to be the one?

75
00:03:27,756 --> 00:03:28,788
Oh, shit.

76
00:03:28,790 --> 00:03:31,124
I think you guys froze.
Hold on. Can you hear me?

77
00:03:31,126 --> 00:03:33,692
Hello?

78
00:03:33,694 --> 00:03:35,961
You're blinking. You're fake freezing.

79
00:03:35,963 --> 00:03:39,766
Unbelievable. Just call
her. You're her parents.

80
00:03:39,768 --> 00:03:42,102
(SNEEZES)

81
00:03:42,104 --> 00:03:45,407
Dad! Let it go.

82
00:03:52,881 --> 00:03:56,549
KATE: See, where most stylists
blow it is they color your hair

83
00:03:56,551 --> 00:03:58,918
- but they leave your Santa eyebrows.
- Hmm.

84
00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,987
They half-ass it, but I'm a perfectionist.

85
00:04:00,989 --> 00:04:02,288
Thank you.

86
00:04:02,290 --> 00:04:05,225
So why are we covering
this gray today, Phil?

87
00:04:05,227 --> 00:04:09,796
Well, I have a date with an engaging
new gal, somewhat younger than me.

88
00:04:09,798 --> 00:04:12,097
Good for you, because ladies
your age are gross, right?

89
00:04:12,099 --> 00:04:15,234
Well, I just hope it looks
natural. It smells very strong.

90
00:04:15,236 --> 00:04:17,870
No. It's super gentle. They
use it on pageant babies.

91
00:04:17,872 --> 00:04:19,272
Mom! I'm home!

92
00:04:19,274 --> 00:04:20,906
(SHRIEKS)

93
00:04:20,908 --> 00:04:23,310
My daughter's home! She has
been gone half the summer.

94
00:04:23,312 --> 00:04:26,613
I'll be right back. If it feels
like it's burning, it's working.

95
00:04:26,615 --> 00:04:28,214
(BOTH SHRIEKING)

96
00:04:28,216 --> 00:04:30,283
- Wow!
- (LAUGHS AND SHRIEKS)

97
00:04:30,285 --> 00:04:34,154
(GRUNTS) You have been gone
for so long! Did you get taller?

98
00:04:34,156 --> 00:04:36,822
I've only been gone a month, and
I stopped growing a long time ago.

99
00:04:36,824 --> 00:04:38,591
Um, is this supposed to be getting warm?

100
00:04:38,593 --> 00:04:40,026
Let it cook, Phil.

101
00:04:40,028 --> 00:04:41,327
HALEY: Um...

102
00:04:41,329 --> 00:04:43,062
Mom?

103
00:04:43,064 --> 00:04:45,130
Why are you doing some
guy's hair in the bathroom?

104
00:04:45,132 --> 00:04:47,666
- Huh?
- P.S. this does not feel right. Hello.

105
00:04:47,668 --> 00:04:48,969
(HISSING)

106
00:04:48,971 --> 00:04:51,070
Why aren't you doing it in a salon?

107
00:04:51,072 --> 00:04:52,305
Please don't tell me
you quit your job again.

108
00:04:52,307 --> 00:04:54,106
I didn't quit! All right.

109
00:04:54,108 --> 00:04:56,041
You know that dipshit
lady on Channel Eleven

110
00:04:56,043 --> 00:04:58,010
who does the segments
where she tries new things?

111
00:04:58,012 --> 00:05:00,312
- Yeah. Go on.
- Well, she wanted bangs,

112
00:05:00,314 --> 00:05:02,949
but then afterwards she decided
that she didn't want bangs.

113
00:05:02,951 --> 00:05:04,817
And my manager started bitching me out,

114
00:05:04,819 --> 00:05:07,320
so I shoved him and his
American Girl Doll glasses broke.

115
00:05:07,322 --> 00:05:08,788
Okay. So you got fired.

116
00:05:08,790 --> 00:05:11,690
Why do you keep doing this, Mom?

117
00:05:11,692 --> 00:05:13,093
You wanna have a cereal party?

118
00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:16,997
No, I don't. I want you to be
responsible so that I don't have to be.

119
00:05:16,999 --> 00:05:18,365
It is too stressful

120
00:05:18,367 --> 00:05:21,901
sleeping with you on a pull-out
couch in your friend's dining room.

121
00:05:21,903 --> 00:05:23,836
She is not my friend. She was our bug man.

122
00:05:23,838 --> 00:05:26,238
I need to learn to be more irresponsible

123
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:29,709
otherwise I'm going to be
hazed so bad in college.

124
00:05:29,711 --> 00:05:30,776
It's bubbling like Pop Rocks.

125
00:05:30,778 --> 00:05:32,077
- I'm gonna stay at Annie's house again.
- All right.

126
00:05:32,079 --> 00:05:35,781
Okay, that's a lie because Annie
is in Italy with her family.

127
00:05:35,783 --> 00:05:37,117
I know how to use Facebook.

128
00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:40,019
I will keep sending you pictures
so that you know that I'm safe.

129
00:05:40,021 --> 00:05:42,122
No. You cannot just leave again
and not tell me where you are.

130
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:44,390
You know why I don't
tell you where I'm going?

131
00:05:44,392 --> 00:05:47,360
Because you'll show up there and
you'll make a big scene like a hothead!

132
00:05:47,362 --> 00:05:50,130
I am not a hothead! I am brassy.

133
00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:53,433
I love you, Mom, but your life
is just too chaotic right now.

134
00:05:53,435 --> 00:05:55,570
- It is not chaotic.
- DANA: Kate!

135
00:05:57,238 --> 00:05:58,772
Is this your waxing strip?

136
00:05:58,774 --> 00:06:01,007
I don't know, Dana. It must be a client's.

137
00:06:01,009 --> 00:06:03,743
My dog had this in his feces.

138
00:06:03,745 --> 00:06:05,211
- (WHIMPERS)
- And before I could stop him

139
00:06:05,213 --> 00:06:08,914
he ate the poop with the
waxing strip in it again.

140
00:06:08,916 --> 00:06:11,117
- And then he threw that up.
- Okay.

141
00:06:11,119 --> 00:06:13,920
You know how many times a day
I kiss that dog on the mouth?

142
00:06:13,922 --> 00:06:15,387
An unsettling amount.

143
00:06:15,389 --> 00:06:17,423
Now when I kiss him,

144
00:06:17,425 --> 00:06:20,293
I'm gonna picture that he ate

145
00:06:20,295 --> 00:06:22,995
some stranger's pubes.

146
00:06:22,997 --> 00:06:25,231
And it's gonna affect
my relationship with him.

147
00:06:25,233 --> 00:06:26,800
KATE: Oh, boy.

148
00:06:26,802 --> 00:06:28,067
All right. Let's bring
this in for a landing, Dana.

149
00:06:28,069 --> 00:06:29,902
You get out of here by tomorrow.

150
00:06:29,904 --> 00:06:31,303
- (STAMMERS)
- You're done!

151
00:06:31,305 --> 00:06:33,807
- Where the hell am I gonna go?
- (BARKING)

152
00:06:33,809 --> 00:06:36,009
You wanna explain that to my daughter?

153
00:06:36,011 --> 00:06:37,409
- Haley?
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

154
00:06:37,411 --> 00:06:40,312
Shit.

155
00:06:40,314 --> 00:06:41,748
(SHOUTS) Haley?

156
00:06:41,750 --> 00:06:43,551
Haley!

157
00:06:45,454 --> 00:06:47,786
Okay, Haley, just come back
up, and we will talk about this.

158
00:06:47,788 --> 00:06:48,921
Hey, it's me.

159
00:06:48,923 --> 00:06:51,724
Hello? This is very unprofessional.

160
00:06:51,726 --> 00:06:53,325
Hey. I can't talk right now.

161
00:06:53,327 --> 00:06:54,793
Real quick. Mom and Dad called.

162
00:06:54,795 --> 00:06:56,128
Ugh, what now?

163
00:06:56,130 --> 00:06:57,997
What's up? Everything all right?

164
00:06:57,999 --> 00:07:01,200
- No, I don't need lotion in there.
- (SHUSHES)

165
00:07:01,202 --> 00:07:02,836
Yeah, you do need lotion in there.

166
00:07:02,838 --> 00:07:04,771
Hey, here's something fun.

167
00:07:04,773 --> 00:07:07,005
Mom and Dad want us to come down.

168
00:07:07,007 --> 00:07:09,743
<i>They need us to clear out
some of our old bedroom stuff.</i>

169
00:07:09,745 --> 00:07:11,444
Why? They have other rooms.

170
00:07:11,446 --> 00:07:14,147
MAURA: <i>I don't know. Maybe
they wanna get a treadmill.</i>

171
00:07:14,149 --> 00:07:17,819
(SCOFFS) A treadmill? Mom
can't even sit right on a couch.

172
00:07:21,189 --> 00:07:23,389
- I'm just gonna shape them real quick.
- All right.

173
00:07:23,391 --> 00:07:26,358
Yeah, no. I can't afford to
come to Orlando right now.

174
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,327
Well, I'll send you money for the flight.

175
00:07:28,329 --> 00:07:31,964
Come to Orlando. Ellis sisters reunion.

176
00:07:31,966 --> 00:07:35,468
<i>Coming home always
makes things better.</i>

177
00:07:35,470 --> 00:07:38,538
That's actually a really good idea.

178
00:07:38,540 --> 00:07:40,942
Tell me the truth.

179
00:07:42,410 --> 00:07:45,881
<i>Next stop, Orlando Airport.
Thank you for riding Greyhound.</i>

180
00:07:51,153 --> 00:07:53,152
AIRPORT ANNOUNCER ON PA: <i>Please
maintain contact with your baggage.</i>

181
00:07:53,154 --> 00:07:56,356
<i>All unattended baggage
will be confiscated.</i>

182
00:07:56,358 --> 00:07:59,959
Hey. Could I get a small glass of tequila?

183
00:07:59,961 --> 00:08:02,495
Like a shot of tequila?

184
00:08:02,497 --> 00:08:05,197
Yeah, a shot. Just keeping it classy.

185
00:08:05,199 --> 00:08:06,365
Paging Mr. Herman.

186
00:08:06,367 --> 00:08:08,034
Oh, Mr. Pee-wee Herman!

187
00:08:08,036 --> 00:08:09,435
(KATE SHRIEKS)

188
00:08:09,437 --> 00:08:12,005
- Look at you.
- Hi!

189
00:08:12,007 --> 00:08:13,038
- MAURA: Look at you.
- KATE: Uh-uh, uh-uh.

190
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:14,873
- What's going on?
- Nothing.

191
00:08:14,875 --> 00:08:17,243
- Wow, turn it around. This is soft.
- (CHUCKLES)

192
00:08:17,245 --> 00:08:18,877
- You look great.
- No.

193
00:08:18,879 --> 00:08:21,214
I look like a dead deer
bloated on the highway.

194
00:08:21,216 --> 00:08:24,082
No. You look like a pretty
deer who's still alive.

195
00:08:24,084 --> 00:08:25,819
- Mmm.
- But also, just recently hit.

196
00:08:25,821 --> 00:08:27,219
(SNORTING)

197
00:08:27,221 --> 00:08:29,856
- Your hair is long! It's so mermaid-y.
- Yeah.

198
00:08:29,858 --> 00:08:33,258
Oh, I got a whole intricate sewn-in
system under there, but it's human.

199
00:08:33,260 --> 00:08:35,228
Okay, well, you have to be
careful when you get fake hair

200
00:08:35,230 --> 00:08:38,131
because some countries give
their young girls chicken hormones

201
00:08:38,133 --> 00:08:40,233
- and make them grow it in their basements.
- (SCOFFS)

202
00:08:40,235 --> 00:08:42,871
Do they get paid? Because I would do that.

203
00:08:44,004 --> 00:08:47,140
Hey, honey. I'm sure you're out having fun

204
00:08:47,142 --> 00:08:52,045
but I'm dying to see that
photo you were gonna send me.

205
00:08:52,047 --> 00:08:55,180
She's having such a great summer,
but I think she's getting homesick.

206
00:08:55,182 --> 00:08:57,349
- I'm sure she misses you.
- I miss her.

207
00:08:57,351 --> 00:09:00,118
Like, in my body.

208
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,421
Mmm. She'll be back soon.

209
00:09:02,423 --> 00:09:04,257
What's your deal? Been doing anything fun?

210
00:09:04,259 --> 00:09:07,160
Yeah. Rescue dogs have
so many hidden skills.

211
00:09:07,162 --> 00:09:10,997
I've been teaching Polenta
how to smell diabetes.

212
00:09:10,999 --> 00:09:12,299
You've been divorced for two years.

213
00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:15,568
You should at least be going to
Chili's with your work friends

214
00:09:15,570 --> 00:09:17,337
or some such basic shit,

215
00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:19,504
instead of spending the night
on Skype dates with Mom and Dad.

216
00:09:19,506 --> 00:09:21,541
I've been having a lot of fun.

217
00:09:21,543 --> 00:09:23,844
I've been teaching
myself how to make cheese.

218
00:09:24,946 --> 00:09:27,379
I'm fine. I'm really good. I'm real good.

219
00:09:27,381 --> 00:09:30,416
What about you? Do you have
a job or a place to live?

220
00:09:30,418 --> 00:09:32,517
I got an idea that's gonna solve
everything. Haley's gonna flip.

221
00:09:32,519 --> 00:09:34,420
What's your idea?

222
00:09:34,422 --> 00:09:37,825
I think we should move down here and
live with Mom and Dad for a while.

223
00:09:40,028 --> 00:09:41,393
(RADIO VOLUME INCREASES)

224
00:09:41,395 --> 00:09:44,129
(BOTH SINGING) <i>Give a
little bit of heart and soul</i>

225
00:09:44,131 --> 00:09:46,565
<i>Give a little bit of love to grow</i>

226
00:09:46,567 --> 00:09:49,167
<i>Give a little bit
of heart and soul...</i>

227
00:09:49,169 --> 00:09:51,705
(BOTH MUMBLING LYRICS)

228
00:10:00,548 --> 00:10:03,148
Holy Moses with his balls out.

229
00:10:03,150 --> 00:10:05,218
Is that Kate Ellis I'm looking at?

230
00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:06,486
Maybe.

231
00:10:06,488 --> 00:10:08,356
(LAUGHS) Hey, look at you.

232
00:10:10,057 --> 00:10:12,992
Come on, Dave Blackmon! I was
a senior, you were a junior.

233
00:10:12,994 --> 00:10:15,228
I lingered back so we
could be seniors together?

234
00:10:15,230 --> 00:10:17,563
You were my first non-hand
I ever did it with.

235
00:10:17,565 --> 00:10:20,967
Oh, my God. Yes. I swallowed your earring.

236
00:10:20,969 --> 00:10:22,502
That was a true honor.

237
00:10:22,504 --> 00:10:24,369
Aw, thank you. Thank you.

238
00:10:24,371 --> 00:10:26,539
Wow. Somebody told me you died.

239
00:10:26,541 --> 00:10:28,708
That's crazy. That's the second
person that's said that to me.

240
00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:29,709
Hmm, you should check it out.

241
00:10:29,711 --> 00:10:32,078
You know, I'm a known
alcoholic in this area

242
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,214
but I still talk about those Ellis
Island parties, baby. (VOCALIZES)

243
00:10:35,216 --> 00:10:36,315
Such good times, right?

244
00:10:36,317 --> 00:10:39,051
Yeah. You scaling that
fireplace with them heels?

245
00:10:39,053 --> 00:10:40,686
Oh, man. That was a beautiful sight, baby.

246
00:10:40,688 --> 00:10:44,123
And who's this fine-ass female?

247
00:10:44,125 --> 00:10:47,426
Hi, Dave. I'm Maura, Kate's younger sister.

248
00:10:47,428 --> 00:10:50,563
I held your mullet back one time
when you were vomiting at our party

249
00:10:50,565 --> 00:10:53,432
so you wouldn't impale your
face on our cactus garden.

250
00:10:53,434 --> 00:10:56,335
(LAUGHING) No. Shit. Those
were fun times, though, huh?

251
00:10:56,337 --> 00:10:59,071
Yeah. You know, in a way.

252
00:10:59,073 --> 00:11:01,708
You sure bloomed into
a juicy peach, holy...

253
00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:03,175
Thank you, Dave.

254
00:11:03,177 --> 00:11:04,444
KATE: So is this your liquor store?

255
00:11:04,446 --> 00:11:07,412
Oh, you know, I got some stock,
I got some handshake options.

256
00:11:07,414 --> 00:11:08,982
Because you heard what happened, right?

257
00:11:08,984 --> 00:11:11,316
My mobile townhouse got ate by a sinkhole.

258
00:11:11,318 --> 00:11:13,219
- No.
- Eaten by a sinkhole?

259
00:11:13,221 --> 00:11:15,354
- Mmm-hmm.
- That is a Florida heartbreak.

260
00:11:15,356 --> 00:11:18,257
Wow, the Ellis sisters, man. What
a sandwich that would be, huh?

261
00:11:18,259 --> 00:11:20,593
If I could tell my friends that
that went down. (LAUGHS) Oh, man.

262
00:11:20,595 --> 00:11:22,494
What do you think?

263
00:11:22,496 --> 00:11:23,930
Who? Oh... (CHUCKLES)

264
00:11:23,932 --> 00:11:26,531
- Just putting it out there.
- Listen, life is about putting it out there.

265
00:11:26,533 --> 00:11:27,767
- And then swatting it away.
- Isn't it?

266
00:11:27,769 --> 00:11:30,236
Sometimes it stays out
there. Where you put it.

267
00:11:30,238 --> 00:11:31,637
And then sometimes it
goes right into the trash.

268
00:11:31,639 --> 00:11:33,272
So that's, like, a no. I understand.

269
00:11:33,274 --> 00:11:34,574
I think we should go.
Great to see you, Dave.

270
00:11:34,576 --> 00:11:36,209
- Just putting it out there.
- Yeah, okay.

271
00:11:36,211 --> 00:11:37,642
KATE: Nice to see you,
man. I'm glad you're alive.

272
00:11:37,644 --> 00:11:40,213
- Thank you.
- You look, uh, weathered.

273
00:11:40,215 --> 00:11:42,080
You look like underpass weathered.

274
00:11:42,082 --> 00:11:44,017
DAVE: Yeah. Thank you, I guess. Yeah.

275
00:11:44,019 --> 00:11:47,686
So listen, is there, like, um, friends
and family discount at this place?

276
00:11:47,688 --> 00:11:51,056
Oh, yeah. Two finger discount.

277
00:11:51,058 --> 00:11:52,557
- (KATE CHUCKLES)
- MAURA: Oh...

278
00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:55,594
- That made my legs feel weird.
- Just unbridled filth.

279
00:11:55,596 --> 00:11:57,530
- MAURA: Gross!
- DAVE: Hey, you know how it is. (LAUGHS)

280
00:11:57,532 --> 00:11:59,565
KATE: Bye, Dave! Whoo!

281
00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:01,733
The party just got back to O-Town!

282
00:12:01,735 --> 00:12:04,436
MAURA: (SHOUTING) Okay!

283
00:12:04,438 --> 00:12:07,172
It's cicada season, so
keep your mouth shut. Whoo!

284
00:12:07,174 --> 00:12:10,410
(KATE AND MAURA CHEERING)

285
00:12:10,412 --> 00:12:13,478
KATE: Are you ready for
this jelly, Whorelando?

286
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,282
MAURA: (SHOUTING) Yeah!

287
00:12:17,085 --> 00:12:18,987
- MAURA: Hey!
- (KATE CHEERING)

288
00:12:20,154 --> 00:12:22,088
(MAURA AND KATE CHEERING)

289
00:12:22,090 --> 00:12:23,555
KATE: Ellis sisters in the house!

290
00:12:23,557 --> 00:12:24,824
Hey!

291
00:12:24,826 --> 00:12:26,392
Oh, sweaty man. We have to flirt.

292
00:12:26,394 --> 00:12:29,061
Slow it down for a groove-by.

293
00:12:29,063 --> 00:12:30,228
Hey.

294
00:12:30,230 --> 00:12:32,565
What urp? Hey.

295
00:12:32,567 --> 00:12:34,166
Burying your wife?

296
00:12:34,168 --> 00:12:35,667
- (CHUCKLES) Um...
- KATE: Can I ask you something?

297
00:12:35,669 --> 00:12:37,637
- My sister and I...
- Hey.

298
00:12:37,639 --> 00:12:41,741
...are busy professionals,
looking for an "yard artisan"

299
00:12:41,743 --> 00:12:43,408
to do some work on our bushes?

300
00:12:43,410 --> 00:12:45,710
You are working. We will
not bother you. Sorry.

301
00:12:45,712 --> 00:12:47,180
KATE: (WHISPERING) Jump on my bush joke.

302
00:12:47,182 --> 00:12:51,150
I just made that up!
Put another Jenga on it.

303
00:12:51,152 --> 00:12:55,588
I bet working on other people's bushes
really makes you wanna whack your weeds.

304
00:12:55,590 --> 00:12:56,522
That was dirtier than I thought.

305
00:12:56,524 --> 00:12:58,156
I'm sorry. That got dirty really fast.

306
00:12:58,158 --> 00:12:59,758
Don't apologize, I like that.

307
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,861
I actually own this house.

308
00:13:01,863 --> 00:13:03,228
You live here with your wife?

309
00:13:03,230 --> 00:13:05,198
Your wife's a bitch for not helping you.

310
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,431
JAMES: Uh, I...

311
00:13:06,433 --> 00:13:08,468
- I'm single, actually.
- Oh.

312
00:13:08,470 --> 00:13:10,268
Well, we're not making fun of you.

313
00:13:10,270 --> 00:13:13,205
We're flirting with you,
because you're really sweaty.

314
00:13:13,207 --> 00:13:15,842
I'm a solid guy. I don't mind
being the butt of your jokes.

315
00:13:15,844 --> 00:13:19,344
Good. You will be the butt of our
jokes, because your butt is no joke.

316
00:13:19,346 --> 00:13:20,680
Okay.

317
00:13:20,682 --> 00:13:23,181
MAURA: I'm not laughing at that
butt. I'll laugh with your butt.

318
00:13:23,183 --> 00:13:25,318
I'm gonna laugh in that butt.

319
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:26,451
I'm gonna laugh.

320
00:13:26,453 --> 00:13:28,820
(INHALES) I'm gonna... I love to...

321
00:13:28,822 --> 00:13:30,123
My butt's funny, too,

322
00:13:30,125 --> 00:13:33,425
but your butt is really serious.

323
00:13:33,427 --> 00:13:36,528
Your butt is like an hour-long drama.

324
00:13:36,530 --> 00:13:39,632
Your butt's as serious as <i>The Wire.</i>

325
00:13:39,634 --> 00:13:42,368
MAURA: I mean, I can't wait
to watch your butt on DVD.

326
00:13:42,370 --> 00:13:44,570
I'm gonna binge-watch your
butt when I have the flu.

327
00:13:44,572 --> 00:13:46,405
- Time to drive away.
- Great.

328
00:13:46,407 --> 00:13:47,839
Yeah, um, so...

329
00:13:47,841 --> 00:13:49,742
- You ever buy Poppin' Fresh Dough?
- Yeah.

330
00:13:49,744 --> 00:13:51,243
- Remember the sound it makes?
- JAMES: Yeah.

331
00:13:51,245 --> 00:13:52,980
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

332
00:13:56,683 --> 00:13:59,253
- KATE: And that's how you do it.
- MAURA: (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.

333
00:14:06,860 --> 00:14:12,230
What the hell is a sold
sign doing on our front yard?

334
00:14:12,232 --> 00:14:13,699
MAURA: Sold?

335
00:14:13,701 --> 00:14:15,368
No!

336
00:14:15,370 --> 00:14:17,703
They talked about putting it on the market.

337
00:14:17,705 --> 00:14:19,539
Did you know about this and not tell me?

338
00:14:19,541 --> 00:14:21,373
Why don't people tell me things?

339
00:14:21,375 --> 00:14:23,776
They spoke to me about it,
and we were considering it.

340
00:14:23,778 --> 00:14:27,579
They fucking sold our fucking
childhood fucking home.

341
00:14:27,581 --> 00:14:29,482
I can't believe they did
this without consulting me.

342
00:14:29,484 --> 00:14:32,718
This home should have been passed on.

343
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,555
- I'll talk them out of it. It's okay.
- It's not okay!

344
00:14:35,557 --> 00:14:38,657
Because my great idea just
got fucked in the a-hole!

345
00:14:38,659 --> 00:14:41,627
Welcome to my life!

346
00:14:41,629 --> 00:14:42,728
(GRUNTING)

347
00:14:42,730 --> 00:14:44,196
Damn it. Shit!

348
00:14:44,198 --> 00:14:47,532
(SCREAMING) Fuck! Shit, fuck!

349
00:14:47,534 --> 00:14:49,403
Balls!

350
00:15:01,682 --> 00:15:03,483
KATE: What the...

351
00:15:06,587 --> 00:15:09,622
Totally shady.

352
00:15:09,624 --> 00:15:12,592
Where are the curtains
with the fruit on them?

353
00:15:12,594 --> 00:15:15,328
She was gonna give all this stuff away?

354
00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:17,662
I'm sorry, I'm keeping this colander.

355
00:15:17,664 --> 00:15:18,998
KATE: Heartless.

356
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,566
Where's the fucking manatee lamp I made?

357
00:15:21,568 --> 00:15:22,734
(KATE WRETCHES)

358
00:15:22,736 --> 00:15:25,304
I'm sorry.

359
00:15:25,306 --> 00:15:28,306
This was not our doing.

360
00:15:28,308 --> 00:15:32,578
KATE: Where in the hell are
Mom's tiny, ceramic shoes?

361
00:15:32,580 --> 00:15:34,914
MAURA: This is just so not okay.

362
00:15:34,916 --> 00:15:37,849
So now some asshole family
gets to play in our sister tree?

363
00:15:37,851 --> 00:15:38,950
Fuck no.

364
00:15:38,952 --> 00:15:41,887
Where are our parents?

365
00:15:41,889 --> 00:15:45,690
KATE: This nursing home better not
smell urine-y, like a death-cafeteria.

366
00:15:45,692 --> 00:15:48,261
MAURA: It's not a nursing
home, it's an adult community.

367
00:15:48,263 --> 00:15:52,698
Rowdy seniors and booze by a
lake? That's a recipe for disaster.

368
00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:54,633
MAURA: You failed to mention your plan.

369
00:15:54,635 --> 00:15:57,435
Why didn't you tell me
that you sold the house?

370
00:15:57,437 --> 00:15:59,338
Because we knew you'd
try to talk us out of it.

371
00:15:59,340 --> 00:16:00,605
I mean, you were pushy kids.

372
00:16:00,607 --> 00:16:02,642
You're selling your clocks, by the way?

373
00:16:02,644 --> 00:16:04,410
What, are you secretly dying?

374
00:16:04,412 --> 00:16:06,811
No, I'm not dying. I'm
just sick of winding them.

375
00:16:06,813 --> 00:16:09,982
The things in that house
meant something to us.

376
00:16:09,984 --> 00:16:15,320
Each one of those objects is a puzzle
piece in the story of our lives.

377
00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:17,390
We just don't want clutter anymore.

378
00:16:17,392 --> 00:16:19,025
Then what the fuck is this?

379
00:16:19,027 --> 00:16:21,060
MAURA: Clutter? You don't want clutter?

380
00:16:21,062 --> 00:16:23,296
Clutter has a name.

381
00:16:23,298 --> 00:16:25,864
And it's Pogee, the Christmas Tree Elf.

382
00:16:25,866 --> 00:16:28,901
You take him. We're
gonna get a tabletop tree.

383
00:16:28,903 --> 00:16:31,771
(GROANING AND SCREAMING)

384
00:16:31,773 --> 00:16:33,873
- DEANNA: Honestly...
- MAURA: We can't have Christmas here!

385
00:16:33,875 --> 00:16:36,541
It feels good to purge.

386
00:16:36,543 --> 00:16:40,378
And we downloaded all our pictures!

387
00:16:40,380 --> 00:16:42,013
You threw away our baby pictures?

388
00:16:42,015 --> 00:16:43,581
No!

389
00:16:43,583 --> 00:16:46,651
We sold them to the gay
man at the flea market

390
00:16:46,653 --> 00:16:48,753
who turns them into funny cards.

391
00:16:48,755 --> 00:16:53,492
And your father put them on this.

392
00:16:53,494 --> 00:16:55,393
So I just stick this up my vagina

393
00:16:55,395 --> 00:16:56,762
and then I can see the pictures?

394
00:16:56,764 --> 00:16:58,698
- Oh, Katherine Anne. Stop.
- What?

395
00:16:58,700 --> 00:17:01,700
She's being funny,
because this is so crazy.

396
00:17:01,702 --> 00:17:05,537
What I think we all need
to do is go to lunch.

397
00:17:05,539 --> 00:17:09,342
And then we can discuss if selling
the house is the best plan for us.

398
00:17:09,344 --> 00:17:11,876
"Us" is happy with the decision. Mmm?

399
00:17:11,878 --> 00:17:13,679
DEANNA: You two go whoop it up.

400
00:17:13,681 --> 00:17:15,881
No, don't go whoop it
up. It's all spiffed out.

401
00:17:15,883 --> 00:17:19,084
It needs to stay that way
for the inspection on Monday.

402
00:17:19,086 --> 00:17:21,019
If you have to poo, go to Arby's.

403
00:17:21,021 --> 00:17:25,056
I can't go to the bathroom
at restaurants. You know that.

404
00:17:25,058 --> 00:17:27,093
All right, all right. I understand.

405
00:17:27,095 --> 00:17:29,428
If she's gonna poop at the
house, I wanna poop at the house.

406
00:17:29,430 --> 00:17:32,064
- Yeah...
- All right, you can both poop at the house.

407
00:17:32,066 --> 00:17:33,899
I like Arby's.

408
00:17:33,901 --> 00:17:36,602
You know, let's just all
agree that this is a bad idea.

409
00:17:36,604 --> 00:17:39,904
Listen to me. We're gonna take
you to dinner tomorrow night.

410
00:17:39,906 --> 00:17:42,674
Not gonna spend one last
night together in the house?

411
00:17:42,676 --> 00:17:45,710
- Okay, I think...
- Maura, cool it.

412
00:17:45,712 --> 00:17:48,113
It's a done deal.

413
00:17:48,115 --> 00:17:50,084
Done.

414
00:17:52,053 --> 00:17:54,053
I got lured down here for this?

415
00:17:54,055 --> 00:17:57,690
I don't clean up after
myself anymore. I'm an adult.

416
00:17:57,692 --> 00:17:58,790
(SIGHS)

417
00:17:58,792 --> 00:18:00,892
This is gonna be deeply painful.

418
00:18:00,894 --> 00:18:02,662
(SIGHS)

419
00:18:17,178 --> 00:18:19,911
Oh, boy.

420
00:18:19,913 --> 00:18:22,450
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

421
00:18:58,786 --> 00:19:01,987
(SING-SONG) Holy shit.

422
00:19:01,989 --> 00:19:03,724
Gimme!

423
00:19:06,027 --> 00:19:07,559
Ooh, listen to this.

424
00:19:07,561 --> 00:19:09,628
(READING) "I got in a
wreck because I was admiring

425
00:19:09,630 --> 00:19:11,130
"the shoulder hickey that Brett gave me

426
00:19:11,132 --> 00:19:13,665
"and got t-boned by a parked car.

427
00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:16,969
"Brett came over to comfort me
and I'm so obsessed with him.

428
00:19:16,971 --> 00:19:18,903
"His face smells like Sea Breeze

429
00:19:18,905 --> 00:19:21,940
"and his hair is so long
that when I make out with him

430
00:19:21,942 --> 00:19:23,709
"I pretend it's a scarf.

431
00:19:23,711 --> 00:19:25,478
"P.S. I might be pregnant."

432
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,813
That shit is juicy. Read yours.

433
00:19:27,815 --> 00:19:29,883
Okay.

434
00:19:31,249 --> 00:19:32,718
(SNIFFS)

435
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,854
(READING) "I changed the
grit on my rock tumbler today.

436
00:19:35,856 --> 00:19:38,224
"The amethyst is really shaping up.

437
00:19:38,226 --> 00:19:41,026
"I'm gonna mount it in
a bolo tie for Dylan.

438
00:19:41,028 --> 00:19:45,233
"He got a new neck brace to
stretch his melting vertebrae.

439
00:19:46,534 --> 00:19:48,968
"He loved his birthday card.

440
00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:51,937
"Especially how I burnt
the edges of the scroll.

441
00:19:51,939 --> 00:19:55,642
"P.S. Crafting heals."

442
00:19:56,676 --> 00:19:58,309
Huh.

443
00:19:58,311 --> 00:20:03,582
KATE: (READING) "Last night at the party,
I danced so hard my bra was soaking wet.

444
00:20:03,584 --> 00:20:07,853
"Jeff and I were flirting, and then
he said, 'Let me show you something.'

445
00:20:07,855 --> 00:20:11,055
"So we went to my room,
and guess what he showed me?

446
00:20:11,057 --> 00:20:13,526
"A ween that is still wearing its hat."

447
00:20:13,528 --> 00:20:14,994
Mmm. Your turn.

448
00:20:14,996 --> 00:20:17,662
Wow. How many times did
you have sex in this house?

449
00:20:17,664 --> 00:20:19,131
KATE: You should have had sex here.

450
00:20:19,133 --> 00:20:21,534
Having sex in your childhood
bedroom is a rite of passage.

451
00:20:21,536 --> 00:20:25,770
You chose the party mom role
to protect yourself from fun.

452
00:20:25,772 --> 00:20:27,072
No! I was not afraid of fun.

453
00:20:27,074 --> 00:20:28,908
Here, check this out.

454
00:20:28,910 --> 00:20:30,642
(READING) "Happy birthday to me.

455
00:20:30,644 --> 00:20:33,077
"My party was amazing.
I got what I asked for.

456
00:20:33,079 --> 00:20:36,915
"I am now a sponsor of a child in Ecuador.

457
00:20:36,917 --> 00:20:41,085
"I was the designated driver because
I could tell no one else wanted to be.

458
00:20:41,087 --> 00:20:44,590
"My favorite birthday gift was
knowing everyone got home safe."

459
00:20:44,592 --> 00:20:47,125
KATE: (READING) <i>"Last night was
so fun I can't even talk about it.</i>

460
00:20:47,127 --> 00:20:50,662
"There are no, period, words, period."

461
00:20:50,664 --> 00:20:52,998
Man, I couldn't even talk about it!

462
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,334
(READING) "I took my deaf
friend to the Sheila E. concert

463
00:20:55,336 --> 00:20:57,135
"so she could really feel the music.

464
00:20:57,137 --> 00:20:58,638
"She was so grateful.

465
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,007
"I didn't smoke pot because I was
afraid there wasn't enough for everyone."

466
00:21:02,009 --> 00:21:03,107
Oh, come on.

467
00:21:03,109 --> 00:21:05,044
I miss those goddamn glory days.

468
00:21:05,046 --> 00:21:08,846
Well, clearly, we had
different experiences.

469
00:21:08,848 --> 00:21:11,850
Oh, here's a play-by-play
of a Jerry Lewis telethon.

470
00:21:11,852 --> 00:21:13,919
Here's a chart of all
the penises I ever saw.

471
00:21:13,921 --> 00:21:16,220
Oh, good. Here's a quote from Helen Keller.

472
00:21:16,222 --> 00:21:18,958
Here's really incorrect information
about how to put a IUD in.

473
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:20,325
Here's a list of my houseplants.

474
00:21:20,327 --> 00:21:22,327
- Put it in my butt.
- Ew.

475
00:21:22,329 --> 00:21:24,997
I swear I was having fun.

476
00:21:24,999 --> 00:21:28,933
I guess I was just making sure
the house didn't get destroyed.

477
00:21:28,935 --> 00:21:32,136
It's a damn shame that you
never had your night here.

478
00:21:32,138 --> 00:21:34,507
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH MUSIC BOX)

479
00:21:36,042 --> 00:21:37,642
We cannot have a party.

480
00:21:37,644 --> 00:21:39,777
A party? (SCOFFS)

481
00:21:39,779 --> 00:21:41,080
- That's a great idea.
- No.

482
00:21:41,082 --> 00:21:43,782
You can't avoid putting
yourself out there forever!

483
00:21:43,784 --> 00:21:45,851
You're gonna dry up
like a granny apple doll.

484
00:21:45,853 --> 00:21:47,885
The house is sold.

485
00:21:47,887 --> 00:21:49,220
No, it's not working.

486
00:21:49,222 --> 00:21:51,323
Kate! Don't make that face.

487
00:21:51,325 --> 00:21:56,295
Do not work me like this! I hate
it when you make me the bummer.

488
00:21:56,297 --> 00:22:00,632
My life is super shitty right
now. I need to feel happy again.

489
00:22:00,634 --> 00:22:01,900
Ah... (GROANS)

490
00:22:01,902 --> 00:22:04,969
Fine. Let's just brush our remaining teeth

491
00:22:04,971 --> 00:22:08,407
and call it a sad, hard
day for two dusty old twats.

492
00:22:08,409 --> 00:22:09,941
Because we're done.

493
00:22:09,943 --> 00:22:12,710
(SIGHS)

494
00:22:12,712 --> 00:22:14,414
(LULLABY PLAYING THROUGH NIGHTLIGHT)

495
00:22:17,684 --> 00:22:22,787
Also? P.S. It would be such an easy way for
you to pop your post-divorce flirt cherry.

496
00:22:22,789 --> 00:22:25,056
I would love to see you let it rip.

497
00:22:25,058 --> 00:22:27,292
You're such a fun as shit little sister.

498
00:22:27,294 --> 00:22:30,228
I really am so fun.

499
00:22:30,230 --> 00:22:33,300
- I shouldn't keep that to myself.
- No, you shouldn't!

500
00:22:38,772 --> 00:22:40,940
(MUFFLED) I think maybe we should do it.

501
00:22:42,076 --> 00:22:43,342
Can't hear you.

502
00:22:43,344 --> 00:22:44,910
I said maybe we should have a party.

503
00:22:44,912 --> 00:22:46,711
KATE: Say what I wanna hear, girl!

504
00:22:46,713 --> 00:22:48,780
MAURA: (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. I don't know!

505
00:22:48,782 --> 00:22:50,882
Okay, let's do it.
(SCREAMS) Let's have a party!

506
00:22:50,884 --> 00:22:54,286
(BOTH CHEERING)

507
00:22:54,288 --> 00:22:56,087
Oh, and you can invite
that cute neighbor guy

508
00:22:56,089 --> 00:22:57,456
and you can finally have
sex in your old, crappo bed!

509
00:22:57,458 --> 00:22:59,357
Yeah, but he's younger than me.

510
00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:00,793
Yeah, but he's taller than you,
and that's all that matters.

511
00:23:00,795 --> 00:23:03,394
Oh, my God. I need this
night to reset myself!

512
00:23:03,396 --> 00:23:05,797
(YELLING) We are having a party!

513
00:23:05,799 --> 00:23:08,469
(BOTH YELLING)

514
00:23:11,005 --> 00:23:13,205
(LAUGHS)

515
00:23:13,207 --> 00:23:15,440
(LAUGHS)

516
00:23:15,442 --> 00:23:17,978
(CLOCKS CHIMING)

517
00:23:26,053 --> 00:23:27,219
(MUMBLES) How'd you sleep?

518
00:23:27,221 --> 00:23:29,955
I dreamt I had no job and no place to live.

519
00:23:29,957 --> 00:23:30,956
Oh, wait.

520
00:23:30,958 --> 00:23:34,159
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Got a picture from Haley.

521
00:23:34,161 --> 00:23:36,495
Well, Her friend has a
fancy-ass fireplace in her house.

522
00:23:36,497 --> 00:23:39,363
MAURA: No, it's one of
those Cosi Sandwich Shops.

523
00:23:39,365 --> 00:23:41,535
- (VEHICLE APPROACHING)
- Oh. Who the crap is that?

524
00:23:44,739 --> 00:23:46,838
MAURA: Are those the new owners?

525
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,007
- KATE: Ew. Fuck my life.
- MAURA: Gross!

526
00:23:48,009 --> 00:23:50,909
MRS. GEERNT: I want the
front yard to be open-concept.

527
00:23:50,911 --> 00:23:52,844
MR. GEERNT: That old tree has gotta go.

528
00:23:52,846 --> 00:23:56,748
Oh, you just try to take down our
sister tree, you stupid stinkbug!

529
00:23:56,750 --> 00:23:58,449
KATE: I can smell that
bitch's hairspray from here.

530
00:23:58,451 --> 00:24:01,519
No, they can't fucking roll in
here like Jehovah's Witnesses!

531
00:24:01,521 --> 00:24:03,089
- (MAURA STAMMERS)
- KATE: Rude.

532
00:24:04,325 --> 00:24:06,357
What?

533
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:08,227
- Can we help you?
- Yes.

534
00:24:08,229 --> 00:24:10,394
Our secretary didn't tell us
that we had an appointment.

535
00:24:10,396 --> 00:24:13,231
Oh, I'm Patrick Campbell.
This is Jane and Henry Geernt.

536
00:24:13,233 --> 00:24:15,433
They're relocating from New
York City and buying this house.

537
00:24:15,435 --> 00:24:18,003
So, are you their interpreter?

538
00:24:18,005 --> 00:24:20,439
If so, please tell them hello for us.

539
00:24:20,441 --> 00:24:23,307
They just want to see what these
blues look like on the sun porch.

540
00:24:23,309 --> 00:24:25,209
- What do you mean? Sun porch?
- PATRICK: Mmm-hmm.

541
00:24:25,211 --> 00:24:27,179
Are you even old enough to get a mortgage?

542
00:24:27,181 --> 00:24:29,914
Oh, yes. But we're buying it with cash.

543
00:24:29,916 --> 00:24:33,117
You're painting the sun porch? No.

544
00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:36,388
It's a little "country" for us.

545
00:24:36,390 --> 00:24:40,324
Can you let your parents know that if
things like this aren't fixed by Monday,

546
00:24:40,326 --> 00:24:43,528
we're gonna have a real issue
following through with the sale.

547
00:24:43,530 --> 00:24:45,396
- (STAMMERS)
- Yeah. That won't be okay.

548
00:24:45,398 --> 00:24:46,565
I got a question.

549
00:24:46,567 --> 00:24:49,901
What percentage of your
wardrobe is dry clean only?

550
00:24:49,903 --> 00:24:51,170
Seventy-eight?

551
00:24:51,172 --> 00:24:53,037
You know there was a murder here, right?

552
00:24:53,039 --> 00:24:54,873
No. What? I don't.

553
00:24:54,875 --> 00:24:56,307
Major cult stuff. Yeah.

554
00:24:56,309 --> 00:24:58,276
What, like a mass murder?

555
00:24:58,278 --> 00:25:00,444
- Seven?
- Okay.

556
00:25:00,446 --> 00:25:01,513
Seven sets of twins.

557
00:25:01,515 --> 00:25:03,849
- So, 14.
- I'm sorry. What?

558
00:25:03,851 --> 00:25:05,049
You know your cousin's gay, right?

559
00:25:05,051 --> 00:25:06,450
That's not my cousin. That's my husband.

560
00:25:06,452 --> 00:25:08,253
That's your husband?

561
00:25:08,255 --> 00:25:10,988
You're gonna have some surprising
shit go down in about 10 years.

562
00:25:10,990 --> 00:25:12,123
Blue?

563
00:25:12,125 --> 00:25:14,927
What would possess a person
to paint stained wood blue?

564
00:25:14,929 --> 00:25:16,995
What, were you raised on a tugboat?

565
00:25:16,997 --> 00:25:20,298
I'll drop off the paint later.
Unless you'll be day-napping.

566
00:25:20,300 --> 00:25:23,636
We sleep with our eyes open, like sharks.

567
00:25:27,007 --> 00:25:29,074
KATE: Bye! Nice to meet you!

568
00:25:29,076 --> 00:25:30,508
MAURA: Smell you later.

569
00:25:30,510 --> 00:25:32,477
KATE: What kind of last name is Geernt?

570
00:25:32,479 --> 00:25:35,180
Geernt. Sounds like a queef on a yoga ball.

571
00:25:35,182 --> 00:25:38,185
Yeah. More like the last sound you
hear before you shit your pants.

572
00:25:39,220 --> 00:25:40,552
- (YELLS) Oh, my God.
- (GASPS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

573
00:25:40,554 --> 00:25:41,620
(BOTH LAUGH)

574
00:25:41,622 --> 00:25:44,825
MAURA: Okay. Let's start
working on those invites.

575
00:25:55,635 --> 00:25:58,003
Okay, let's see who we got. Okay.

576
00:25:58,005 --> 00:26:01,006
- KATE: Vicka Bastione.
- MAURA: Yeah.

577
00:26:01,008 --> 00:26:04,042
No on Alex. He's always
on. It's annoying as fuck.

578
00:26:04,044 --> 00:26:06,510
I know. He breaks my heart.
He wants to be funny, though.

579
00:26:06,512 --> 00:26:08,947
Yeah, well, people in
hell want ice water, too.

580
00:26:08,949 --> 00:26:11,949
KATE: Brinda is a hard no.

581
00:26:11,951 --> 00:26:14,018
That monster and her
minions are not coming.

582
00:26:14,020 --> 00:26:15,152
Why is she a monster?

583
00:26:15,154 --> 00:26:16,555
KATE: She knows what she did.

584
00:26:16,557 --> 00:26:18,055
Okay. Rob and Liz!

585
00:26:18,057 --> 00:26:20,459
KATE: They used to have
sex in the weirdest places.

586
00:26:20,461 --> 00:26:22,960
MAURA: He took her from
behind in line at graduation.

587
00:26:22,962 --> 00:26:25,963
They could use a party.
They are terminally suburban.

588
00:26:25,965 --> 00:26:27,466
KATE: Kelly. That bitch is fun.

589
00:26:27,468 --> 00:26:28,533
- Yeah.
- Kelly is fun!

590
00:26:28,535 --> 00:26:30,535
Kelly is fun.

591
00:26:30,537 --> 00:26:33,274
(CLICKING)

592
00:26:38,679 --> 00:26:41,179
So, we should go! We have so much to do.

593
00:26:41,181 --> 00:26:43,047
You have to invite that cute
guy from down the street.

594
00:26:43,049 --> 00:26:46,686
Mmm. Maybe. I don't know. We'll see.

595
00:26:58,999 --> 00:27:02,601
Have a great day, Fran.

596
00:27:02,603 --> 00:27:04,702
Oh, my God. It's Brinda.

597
00:27:04,704 --> 00:27:06,005
KATE: Ugh...

598
00:27:06,007 --> 00:27:09,074
Brinda always looks like she
has a fart coming out sideways.

599
00:27:09,076 --> 00:27:13,444
I feel bad that we didn't invite her.
I hate it when people aren't included.

600
00:27:13,446 --> 00:27:15,013
Oh, God. What if she asks
us to come to the party?

601
00:27:15,015 --> 00:27:16,515
I'm not gonna be able
to say no to her face.

602
00:27:16,517 --> 00:27:18,616
You know I can't reject people.
I have a dog with one eye.

603
00:27:18,618 --> 00:27:20,084
Here she comes. She's coming
close. She's right here.

604
00:27:20,086 --> 00:27:21,652
She's almost here. She's here now.

605
00:27:21,654 --> 00:27:23,521
Hey, Brinda. What up?

606
00:27:23,523 --> 00:27:25,990
Well, well, well.

607
00:27:25,992 --> 00:27:28,326
I thought I saw the Ellis sisters.

608
00:27:28,328 --> 00:27:31,063
Hey, Brinda. What have you been up to?

609
00:27:31,065 --> 00:27:33,731
Not much. Just, you
know, building a career.

610
00:27:33,733 --> 00:27:38,536
Being successful and having a
really full and wonderful life.

611
00:27:38,538 --> 00:27:40,538
I'm very blessed.

612
00:27:40,540 --> 00:27:43,574
I'm sure you've seen around town,
I'm a pretty successful realtor now.

613
00:27:43,576 --> 00:27:46,244
I'm plastered all over the bus stops.

614
00:27:46,246 --> 00:27:47,578
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

615
00:27:47,580 --> 00:27:50,015
I thought you were missing. I
saw your picture on the bus stop.

616
00:27:50,017 --> 00:27:51,350
I just assumed you were missing.

617
00:27:51,352 --> 00:27:54,085
And you? What are you up to? Nothing?

618
00:27:54,087 --> 00:27:56,153
What are you buying? Stool softener?

619
00:27:56,155 --> 00:27:58,422
No. Actually, um, Diet Coke.

620
00:27:58,424 --> 00:28:00,624
Don't you look great. That's a snazzy belt.

621
00:28:00,626 --> 00:28:02,361
Oh, thank you!

622
00:28:02,363 --> 00:28:05,296
Yeah, congrats on your
wrestling championship.

623
00:28:05,298 --> 00:28:06,465
It's Ralph Lauren.

624
00:28:06,467 --> 00:28:08,499
- Is that how you say it?
- Uh, yeah.

625
00:28:08,501 --> 00:28:10,001
Do you get good Wi-Fi with that?

626
00:28:10,003 --> 00:28:12,170
So I see you're having a party.

627
00:28:12,172 --> 00:28:13,572
I mean, we're just kind of picking...

628
00:28:13,574 --> 00:28:15,172
- Yep. Having a party.
- Yeah.

629
00:28:15,174 --> 00:28:17,342
I heard you were having a party.

630
00:28:17,344 --> 00:28:19,745
From someone who got invited.

631
00:28:19,747 --> 00:28:22,646
You were on our list, but
you're very hard to track down.

632
00:28:22,648 --> 00:28:24,048
MAURA: Are you on email?

633
00:28:24,050 --> 00:28:26,551
Uh, it's
B-dot-rinda...

634
00:28:26,553 --> 00:28:29,187
That's what I did wrong. I forgot the dot.

635
00:28:29,189 --> 00:28:30,488
- And we forgot to type it.
- (STAMMERING)

636
00:28:30,490 --> 00:28:32,490
And also we didn't send it.

637
00:28:32,492 --> 00:28:34,226
(CHUCKLES) I must admit,

638
00:28:34,228 --> 00:28:36,193
when I heard you were
having an Ellis Island party

639
00:28:36,195 --> 00:28:38,497
I was like, "What? What year is it?"

640
00:28:38,499 --> 00:28:41,099
It's pretty sad.

641
00:28:41,101 --> 00:28:43,837
You know, because it's
such a desperate event.

642
00:28:45,105 --> 00:28:47,874
(LAUGHS) Bye.

643
00:28:49,675 --> 00:28:51,410
You're a desperate event!

644
00:28:51,412 --> 00:28:53,077
I can still hear you!

645
00:28:53,079 --> 00:28:54,546
KATE: Good. Can you hear this?

646
00:28:54,548 --> 00:28:56,248
Suck a fucking bag of dicks!

647
00:28:56,250 --> 00:28:57,482
She can't hear that.

648
00:28:57,484 --> 00:29:00,117
KATE: Strutting around Big
Lots like it's Bloomingdale's

649
00:29:00,119 --> 00:29:01,553
in her bullshit shoes.

650
00:29:01,555 --> 00:29:04,389
Real estate bitch acting like Suze Orman.

651
00:29:04,391 --> 00:29:06,824
You know what she has?
Crabs in her eyebrows.

652
00:29:06,826 --> 00:29:09,193
Tumbleweeds rolling across her beav.

653
00:29:09,195 --> 00:29:12,229
I am done wasting words on that ho.

654
00:29:12,231 --> 00:29:15,400
- I'm sorry, Vicky.
- Don't apologize for me.

655
00:29:15,402 --> 00:29:18,103
Is Vicky your real name?

656
00:29:18,105 --> 00:29:20,074
What's your Korean name?

657
00:29:23,343 --> 00:29:24,776
(WHISPERS) Hae-Won.

658
00:29:24,778 --> 00:29:27,746
Hae-Won. What a beautiful
name. What does that mean?

659
00:29:27,748 --> 00:29:29,280
Hae-Won mean "head."

660
00:29:29,282 --> 00:29:31,716
Oh.

661
00:29:31,718 --> 00:29:34,652
Hae-Won? Am I saying it correctly?

662
00:29:34,654 --> 00:29:35,853
Hae-Won.

663
00:29:35,855 --> 00:29:37,622
Oh, Hae-Won.

664
00:29:37,624 --> 00:29:39,757
No. Hae-Won.

665
00:29:39,759 --> 00:29:41,226
Hae-Won.

666
00:29:41,228 --> 00:29:44,362
Not Hae-Won.
Hae-Won.

667
00:29:44,364 --> 00:29:46,698
- Hae-Won.
- No. Hae-Won.

668
00:29:46,700 --> 00:29:48,632
- Hae-Won.
- Hae-Won.

669
00:29:48,634 --> 00:29:51,402
- Hae-Won.
- Hae-Won.

670
00:29:51,404 --> 00:29:53,572
I feel like I'm saying it right. No?

671
00:29:53,574 --> 00:29:56,440
I'm too high. (DEEP
VOICE) Hae-Hae-Won.

672
00:29:56,442 --> 00:29:58,209
Yes.

673
00:29:58,211 --> 00:29:59,744
It's not coming out right, but I'll get it.

674
00:29:59,746 --> 00:30:02,581
Like, "I'm having fun at party."

675
00:30:02,583 --> 00:30:05,784
"Hey." Plus "one."

676
00:30:05,786 --> 00:30:08,786
Hey one.

677
00:30:08,788 --> 00:30:10,455
- So you like parties.
- HAE-WON: Yes.

678
00:30:10,457 --> 00:30:11,555
Hmm.

679
00:30:11,557 --> 00:30:14,325
- Your name?
- Oh, my name is Maura.

680
00:30:14,327 --> 00:30:15,794
Maura.

681
00:30:15,796 --> 00:30:17,295
Watch me. Maura.

682
00:30:17,297 --> 00:30:18,763
(GROWLING) Maura.

683
00:30:18,765 --> 00:30:21,399
I don't open my mouth like
that. (CHUCKLES) Just, Maura.

684
00:30:21,401 --> 00:30:22,633
Maura.

685
00:30:22,635 --> 00:30:24,803
It's not Maura.

686
00:30:24,805 --> 00:30:27,439
You see the difference in my mouth? Maura.

687
00:30:27,441 --> 00:30:28,640
(GROWLING) Maura.

688
00:30:28,642 --> 00:30:30,142
We have different mouths.

689
00:30:30,144 --> 00:30:32,045
It's okay.

690
00:30:34,647 --> 00:30:38,549
Why do they always have to give
them American names? It's so sad.

691
00:30:38,551 --> 00:30:41,686
I bet Nail Pimp Daddy over there
treats them like his whores.

692
00:30:41,688 --> 00:30:43,889
- We need to get Lucy Liu to go under...
- Lisa Ling.

693
00:30:43,891 --> 00:30:47,292
Lisa Ling to go undercover and
investigate these dirty-ass nail salons.

694
00:30:47,294 --> 00:30:50,761
But they are hiring and you
are licensed to do nails.

695
00:30:50,763 --> 00:30:53,797
I don't wanna work here. They
have a bass in their aquarium.

696
00:30:53,799 --> 00:30:56,601
It's beautiful here.
Everything smells like lavender.

697
00:30:56,603 --> 00:30:58,937
Plus, you could teach them a
lot, because you know your shit.

698
00:30:58,939 --> 00:31:00,771
I do know my shit.

699
00:31:00,773 --> 00:31:03,509
I could French manicure a
chicken while it was running away.

700
00:31:04,810 --> 00:31:06,878
Guess I could get something
better once we're settled, right?

701
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:10,382
Exactly! And then just wait
until you get that better job

702
00:31:10,384 --> 00:31:12,717
before you quit this one.

703
00:31:12,719 --> 00:31:15,421
I'm open to new ways.

704
00:31:16,957 --> 00:31:18,957
(SIGHS) So, do you like working here?

705
00:31:18,959 --> 00:31:21,061
I love it.

706
00:31:22,429 --> 00:31:23,827
Do you get proper lunch breaks?

707
00:31:23,829 --> 00:31:25,963
What is lunch?

708
00:31:25,965 --> 00:31:28,199
Oh, my God. That's terrible.

709
00:31:28,201 --> 00:31:29,567
Hey.

710
00:31:29,569 --> 00:31:31,569
Thank you so much for
this. This is a great place.

711
00:31:31,571 --> 00:31:32,873
NAIL SALON OWNER: Of course.

712
00:31:35,375 --> 00:31:38,045
So, uh, I see you're hiring.

713
00:31:39,946 --> 00:31:42,948
Oh, we are not hiring right now.

714
00:31:42,950 --> 00:31:45,683
You just got a big old sign.

715
00:31:45,685 --> 00:31:49,554
Hey, Hae-Won. Would you like
to come to a party tonight?

716
00:31:49,556 --> 00:31:51,555
You and your friends come, okay?

717
00:31:51,557 --> 00:31:52,958
To do nail?

718
00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,427
Oh, no. No, no, no. Party?

719
00:31:55,429 --> 00:31:56,728
You can bring whoever you want.

720
00:31:56,730 --> 00:31:59,264
Party, yes.

721
00:31:59,266 --> 00:32:01,665
- Sojus.
- Jews.

722
00:32:01,667 --> 00:32:04,001
- Soju there?
- Sure. There'll be Jews there.

723
00:32:04,003 --> 00:32:07,271
I love jus. Koreans love jus.

724
00:32:07,273 --> 00:32:08,440
Koreans love Jews.

725
00:32:08,442 --> 00:32:10,307
- I love jus.
- I love Jews, too.

726
00:32:10,309 --> 00:32:11,543
Jus.

727
00:32:11,545 --> 00:32:14,511
Adam is thinking of coming,
and Gabe is on the fence, so...

728
00:32:14,513 --> 00:32:15,613
Soju.

729
00:32:15,615 --> 00:32:18,783
I'm worried we aren't
talking about the same thing.

730
00:32:18,785 --> 00:32:20,719
- Juice. Drinking juice.
- HAE-WON: Jus.

731
00:32:20,721 --> 00:32:22,254
You stupid.

732
00:32:22,256 --> 00:32:24,689
There'll be juice there. There'll be
food there. There'll be Jews there.

733
00:32:24,691 --> 00:32:26,658
- Okay. Yes.
- Great.

734
00:32:26,660 --> 00:32:29,526
Okay, listen. My daughter
and I are moving to Orlando

735
00:32:29,528 --> 00:32:31,729
and I really need a job.

736
00:32:31,731 --> 00:32:34,066
Oh, no.

737
00:32:36,869 --> 00:32:39,770
Okay, look. Just smile and shake
my hand like you gave me a job

738
00:32:39,772 --> 00:32:41,472
and I will text you a picture of my boobs.

739
00:32:41,474 --> 00:32:43,607
Real good ones. High and happy.

740
00:32:43,609 --> 00:32:45,376
No? I misread your deal.

741
00:32:45,378 --> 00:32:46,577
Smile and shake my hand

742
00:32:46,579 --> 00:32:48,947
(WHISPERING) or I will text
you a picture of my boobs,

743
00:32:48,949 --> 00:32:50,481
and I know you don't wanna see them.

744
00:32:50,483 --> 00:32:52,383
(CHUCKLES)

745
00:32:52,385 --> 00:32:54,686
Awesome! Thank you, Vicky.

746
00:32:54,688 --> 00:32:57,788
I will see you on Monday.

747
00:32:57,790 --> 00:32:59,958
Boom! I got a job.

748
00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:02,994
And look what I pulled out of your
wallet. "Success is desire in action."

749
00:33:02,996 --> 00:33:04,763
Amazing! You're crushing it!

750
00:33:04,765 --> 00:33:06,064
Whoo!

751
00:33:06,066 --> 00:33:07,365
KATE: We need to cancel
dinner with Mom and Dad.

752
00:33:07,367 --> 00:33:10,468
What if we lie to Mom and Dad
and then they die in their sleep?

753
00:33:10,470 --> 00:33:12,569
Don't let them smell your guilt.

754
00:33:12,571 --> 00:33:14,072
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

755
00:33:14,074 --> 00:33:15,472
Girls.

756
00:33:15,474 --> 00:33:17,642
Hey, Mom, we are doing
so much work over there

757
00:33:17,644 --> 00:33:20,478
and doing nothing else,
and I am telling the truth.

758
00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:22,080
Well.

759
00:33:22,082 --> 00:33:26,317
I was just, um, putting the
silverware in the drawers here.

760
00:33:26,319 --> 00:33:28,452
Hey, we can't have dinner tonight.

761
00:33:28,454 --> 00:33:33,591
Yeah, because we're in such packing
mode we don't wanna stop our groove.

762
00:33:33,593 --> 00:33:35,362
Sounds good!

763
00:33:48,709 --> 00:33:49,774
Oh.

764
00:33:49,776 --> 00:33:51,609
No. We've...

765
00:33:51,611 --> 00:33:52,977
Okay!

766
00:33:52,979 --> 00:33:54,845
- KATE: Bye.
- We're leaving!

767
00:33:54,847 --> 00:33:57,015
Did we just cock block our parents?

768
00:33:57,017 --> 00:33:58,682
They were fresh off the sex griddle.

769
00:33:58,684 --> 00:34:00,786
There was so much color in her face.

770
00:34:02,823 --> 00:34:05,957
Hey, see you tonight! You know, I'm
laying down a bread base. (CHUCKLES)

771
00:34:05,959 --> 00:34:08,125
So I wanna stop by Sam and
Cray's house, real quick.

772
00:34:08,127 --> 00:34:09,894
Oh, I haven't seen those
homos since high school!

773
00:34:09,896 --> 00:34:11,862
I know.

774
00:34:11,864 --> 00:34:13,865
They said that we could borrow those
cool chairs they had at their wedding.

775
00:34:13,867 --> 00:34:16,501
Gays know how to throw a party.

776
00:34:16,503 --> 00:34:19,737
Go to Costco, get a pan of hot wings.

777
00:34:19,739 --> 00:34:21,972
Get some big, basic salamis.

778
00:34:21,974 --> 00:34:24,708
Or just make a fuckload of potato salad.

779
00:34:24,710 --> 00:34:26,043
With Tostitos Scoops.

780
00:34:26,045 --> 00:34:29,046
It's like a spoon you can eat.

781
00:34:29,048 --> 00:34:33,617
Obviously, it's the gay men
who have the great party ideas.

782
00:34:33,619 --> 00:34:36,887
I wish being gay was a choice because I
always did like that shorts and boots look.

783
00:34:36,889 --> 00:34:38,789
Yeah, I don't know.

784
00:34:38,791 --> 00:34:40,492
For me, the deal breaker might
be the eating of the pussy.

785
00:34:40,494 --> 00:34:43,762
Oh, really? Because for me it would just
be the fucking unbearable amount of talking.

786
00:34:43,764 --> 00:34:45,498
Bye, guys!

787
00:34:46,632 --> 00:34:49,201
(EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING)

788
00:34:52,806 --> 00:34:54,104
Hmm, what do you think, Brayla?

789
00:34:54,106 --> 00:34:56,508
That looks amazing on you.

790
00:34:56,510 --> 00:34:58,809
I never met a Brayla before.

791
00:34:58,811 --> 00:35:00,478
I know, like, three.

792
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:03,148
Oh, so you're trending. God bless.

793
00:35:03,150 --> 00:35:07,851
You know, it's a lot of under teat
but I think I'm getting away with it.

794
00:35:07,853 --> 00:35:10,289
Also it's, um, on backwards.

795
00:35:12,559 --> 00:35:15,126
- You think?
- Yeah.

796
00:35:15,128 --> 00:35:16,728
How's it going in there?

797
00:35:16,730 --> 00:35:18,796
I don't get this dress.

798
00:35:18,798 --> 00:35:21,865
One of my apples keeps
rolling out of the bag.

799
00:35:21,867 --> 00:35:24,836
But I like the story it
tells with the fringe.

800
00:35:24,838 --> 00:35:26,637
You're gonna have to rock
a thong with this, though.

801
00:35:26,639 --> 00:35:29,673
Oh, no, I don't wear thongs.
I have a very fussy taint.

802
00:35:29,675 --> 00:35:32,110
You just have to build up
a callus. Right, Brayla?

803
00:35:32,112 --> 00:35:34,579
That looks amazing on you.

804
00:35:34,581 --> 00:35:37,215
I worry that she just wants the
sale. She's not telling us the truth.

805
00:35:37,217 --> 00:35:40,918
- No. Brayla has no pleasure center in her brain.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

806
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:42,119
Oh, here we go.

807
00:35:42,121 --> 00:35:45,023
Haley! How-slash-where
are you?

808
00:35:45,025 --> 00:35:46,758
HALEY: <i>You can trust me.</i>

809
00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:48,126
I am at a friend's house.

810
00:35:48,128 --> 00:35:50,161
<i>So I got your text message</i>

811
00:35:50,163 --> 00:35:53,597
about moving in with Gram and
Gramps, and you know I love Orlando.

812
00:35:53,599 --> 00:35:55,934
I'm super excited about this!

813
00:35:55,936 --> 00:35:57,969
Yeah, you know what? I was
real excited about it, too,

814
00:35:57,971 --> 00:36:01,039
and it turns out that Gram and
Gramps are selling their house.

815
00:36:01,041 --> 00:36:02,673
Oh...

816
00:36:02,675 --> 00:36:05,844
Okay, I like that it has a strong message,

817
00:36:05,846 --> 00:36:08,012
but I am afraid that I'm
gonna zip my bush up in there.

818
00:36:08,014 --> 00:36:13,050
We can still make Orlando happen.
I promise, I will find another way.

819
00:36:13,052 --> 00:36:15,153
Don't be upset.

820
00:36:15,155 --> 00:36:16,720
Okay, give it to me.

821
00:36:16,722 --> 00:36:18,789
- Hey, honey. It's Maura.
- Hey.

822
00:36:18,791 --> 00:36:20,958
Listen, your mom forgot to tell
you the most important part,

823
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:25,496
which is that she got a job out
here at a very fancy nail salon.

824
00:36:25,498 --> 00:36:26,930
- Really?
- MAURA: <i>Yes.</i>

825
00:36:26,932 --> 00:36:28,499
Try something on.

826
00:36:28,501 --> 00:36:33,570
So I think maybe you should come here
earlier next week, and surprise her.

827
00:36:33,572 --> 00:36:34,905
She really misses you.

828
00:36:34,907 --> 00:36:37,941
Aunt Maura, I don't know. I don't know.

829
00:36:37,943 --> 00:36:40,577
Haley, I know I said that I was
going to help you for a while,

830
00:36:40,579 --> 00:36:42,646
but now you have to get
back with your mother.

831
00:36:42,648 --> 00:36:44,615
<i>I hate keeping secrets.</i>

832
00:36:44,617 --> 00:36:47,784
Especially from my sister.
It gives me guilt diarrhea.

833
00:36:47,786 --> 00:36:50,589
Okay. But what should I do with Polenta?

834
00:36:51,925 --> 00:36:54,659
MAURA: <i>The dog-sitter's
number is on the counter.</i>

835
00:36:54,661 --> 00:36:58,095
Use my credit card, and
get a flight, and come here.

836
00:36:58,097 --> 00:37:00,197
It's gonna work this
time, honey, I promise.

837
00:37:00,199 --> 00:37:02,833
Okay, if you think so.

838
00:37:02,835 --> 00:37:04,001
- I love you.
- Love you, too.

839
00:37:04,003 --> 00:37:06,637
HALEY: <i>Bye.</i>

840
00:37:06,639 --> 00:37:08,972
Haley's good. It's all fine.

841
00:37:08,974 --> 00:37:11,175
Aw. That's awesome. Thanks.

842
00:37:11,177 --> 00:37:13,644
These dresses are made for
Chinese tomboys, by the way.

843
00:37:13,646 --> 00:37:14,945
I don't know about that one.

844
00:37:14,947 --> 00:37:16,947
Really, because what about this part?

845
00:37:16,949 --> 00:37:19,150
(VOCALIZES)

846
00:37:19,152 --> 00:37:22,554
- That's a Play-Doh Fun Factory right there.
- Ooh.

847
00:37:22,556 --> 00:37:24,722
- And the eye goes right to it.
- Yeah, look at that.

848
00:37:24,724 --> 00:37:28,293
(VOCALIZES)

849
00:37:28,295 --> 00:37:32,563
That is flesh, and dudes like that. They
don't care what thing it's coming out of.

850
00:37:32,565 --> 00:37:33,565
MAURA: This dress smells like pickles.

851
00:37:33,567 --> 00:37:34,831
Better work.

852
00:37:34,833 --> 00:37:36,200
It just feels like it's
maybe one or the other.

853
00:37:36,202 --> 00:37:38,168
I think it's what they call "either/and."

854
00:37:38,170 --> 00:37:39,637
No, I don't. Well...

855
00:37:39,639 --> 00:37:41,773
Right, Brayla? Brayla, where you from?

856
00:37:41,775 --> 00:37:44,342
- That looks amazing on you.
- BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

857
00:37:44,344 --> 00:37:46,911
We got to find another store,
they can't handle our heat here.

858
00:37:46,913 --> 00:37:51,215
God. We need, like, a little less "Forever
21" and a little more "Suddenly 42."

859
00:37:51,217 --> 00:37:53,751
Yeah. We are keeping it tight.

860
00:37:53,753 --> 00:37:56,086
It is tight. This is very tight.

861
00:37:56,088 --> 00:37:58,021
Here, give me a kiss.

862
00:37:58,023 --> 00:38:00,626
(KISSING)

863
00:38:02,695 --> 00:38:05,028
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

864
00:38:05,030 --> 00:38:07,667
- MAURA: Wait. Where are we going?
- KATE: One last errand.

865
00:38:11,605 --> 00:38:14,204
- Get it, girl.
- What?

866
00:38:14,206 --> 00:38:17,708
Oh, my God. Damn it. I knew
it! You never offer to drive.

867
00:38:17,710 --> 00:38:21,012
Ask him. "Desire needs action,"
or whatever the fuck that one said.

868
00:38:21,014 --> 00:38:24,014
I don't have my good bra
on. I have beef jerky breath.

869
00:38:24,016 --> 00:38:26,784
Okay. Okay.

870
00:38:26,786 --> 00:38:28,622
- Hi.
- Hi.

871
00:38:29,655 --> 00:38:32,789
I'm, uh, Maura, from yonder there.

872
00:38:32,791 --> 00:38:35,927
My sister and I objectified you yesterday?

873
00:38:35,929 --> 00:38:37,195
I remember you.

874
00:38:37,197 --> 00:38:40,130
- I'm James.
- Hi, James.

875
00:38:40,132 --> 00:38:41,264
Do you go by Jimmy?

876
00:38:41,266 --> 00:38:43,900
Usually James, sometimes James.

877
00:38:43,902 --> 00:38:47,271
Well, just wanted to say
hello. And that's all I got, so.

878
00:38:47,273 --> 00:38:49,375
(HORN HONKING)

879
00:38:50,777 --> 00:38:52,876
(CHUCKLES) Uh...

880
00:38:52,878 --> 00:38:56,146
Would you borrow me your bathroom?

881
00:38:56,148 --> 00:38:57,514
Number one only.

882
00:38:57,516 --> 00:39:00,017
Of course, come in. You can do
whatever you want in there, really.

883
00:39:00,019 --> 00:39:01,353
MAURA: Wow.

884
00:39:01,355 --> 00:39:04,755
I am actually just renovating it,
I'm gonna put it on the market.

885
00:39:04,757 --> 00:39:07,791
- Wow. You're doing a really nice job.
- Oh, thank you.

886
00:39:07,793 --> 00:39:10,695
It was my parents' house, but they
passed away within a year of each other.

887
00:39:10,697 --> 00:39:13,398
Oh, my God. That's horrible.

888
00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:16,036
Yeah. Yeah, it was really sad.

889
00:39:18,003 --> 00:39:20,003
Are you gonna be okay?

890
00:39:20,005 --> 00:39:22,440
I'm sorry. It's just
that's, like, my worst fear.

891
00:39:22,442 --> 00:39:25,776
(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry I told you. I'm
sorry you had to find out this way.

892
00:39:25,778 --> 00:39:27,979
My legs just went numb.

893
00:39:27,981 --> 00:39:29,347
I'll be okay.

894
00:39:29,349 --> 00:39:30,782
Uh, do you still need the bathroom?

895
00:39:30,784 --> 00:39:32,016
I think I'm too sad to go now.

896
00:39:32,018 --> 00:39:33,383
Yeah, of course.

897
00:39:33,385 --> 00:39:34,952
Okay.

898
00:39:34,954 --> 00:39:36,287
(SIGHS) Hey, who's this guy?

899
00:39:36,289 --> 00:39:39,157
Oh, that's Mashed Potatoes.

900
00:39:39,159 --> 00:39:40,458
I'm pretty mad at him right now.

901
00:39:40,460 --> 00:39:42,594
Hey!

902
00:39:44,364 --> 00:39:47,798
Would you like to flank me at a party

903
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:49,434
that I'm attending at my own house tonight?

904
00:39:49,436 --> 00:39:51,869
Him or me?

905
00:39:51,871 --> 00:39:53,771
- Oh, you.
- Yeah, yeah.

906
00:39:53,773 --> 00:39:55,206
Ah, maybe. What time?

907
00:39:55,208 --> 00:39:57,742
8:30. 8:45. 9:00.

908
00:39:57,744 --> 00:40:00,177
You know, it doesn't
matter. I'm pretty laid back.

909
00:40:00,179 --> 00:40:03,481
Okay, okay. Let me just, uh,
check my calendar real quick.

910
00:40:03,483 --> 00:40:05,349
You're lucky. I am free.

911
00:40:05,351 --> 00:40:08,485
(IN FAKE ITALIAN ACCENT)
Well, that's a good news!

912
00:40:08,487 --> 00:40:10,822
I'm not Italian. I don't
know why I said it like that.

913
00:40:10,824 --> 00:40:12,322
No, I like Italians.

914
00:40:12,324 --> 00:40:14,291
Okay. I'm half-Italian.

915
00:40:14,293 --> 00:40:15,594
No, I'm not. That was a lie.

916
00:40:15,596 --> 00:40:21,932
So, I'm just gonna casually George
Jefferson my way out of here.

917
00:40:21,934 --> 00:40:23,467
- To you.
- All right.

918
00:40:23,469 --> 00:40:27,438
Gonna ease on down the road
and re-run it to the car.

919
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:30,041
- Okay, goodbye.
- JAMES: Oh!

920
00:40:30,043 --> 00:40:32,078
(CHUCKLES)

921
00:40:36,048 --> 00:40:37,447
Bye!

922
00:40:37,449 --> 00:40:39,084
MAURA: Kate, let me in.

923
00:40:40,420 --> 00:40:41,853
Oh, hello.

924
00:40:41,855 --> 00:40:43,019
Hi. Why?

925
00:40:43,021 --> 00:40:44,988
We were measuring for a pergola.

926
00:40:44,990 --> 00:40:47,157
I'm sorry, are you having a party here?

927
00:40:47,159 --> 00:40:48,959
- Nope.
- Nope.

928
00:40:48,961 --> 00:40:51,262
It really looks like you're having a party.

929
00:40:51,264 --> 00:40:53,764
Oh, Gosh. I hate to make
you feel like a dick,

930
00:40:53,766 --> 00:40:56,133
but this is actually for a wake.

931
00:40:56,135 --> 00:40:58,436
I am very sorry to hear that.

932
00:40:58,438 --> 00:41:02,106
Yeah. We always told our cousin,
"Don't play on the tracks."

933
00:41:02,108 --> 00:41:03,407
Dear God.

934
00:41:03,409 --> 00:41:05,041
I'm so sorry for your loss.

935
00:41:05,043 --> 00:41:07,912
Obviously, our cousin was a dumbass.

936
00:41:07,914 --> 00:41:09,380
- But we will miss her.
- Him.

937
00:41:09,382 --> 00:41:10,947
Herm. His name was Herm.

938
00:41:10,949 --> 00:41:13,150
KATE: They found his
head, like, a mile away.

939
00:41:13,152 --> 00:41:15,485
I think he's probably gonna
haunt the house forever.

940
00:41:15,487 --> 00:41:18,255
- Headless and angry.
- Yeah.

941
00:41:18,257 --> 00:41:20,057
MR. GEERNT: I am not
buying that bull waste.

942
00:41:20,059 --> 00:41:21,858
KATE: That's a girl's belt.

943
00:41:21,860 --> 00:41:24,427
Rich people can just
decide to move somewhere.

944
00:41:24,429 --> 00:41:26,930
Choke on a roll of cash.

945
00:41:26,932 --> 00:41:28,065
So I've been thinking.

946
00:41:28,067 --> 00:41:29,032
Why?

947
00:41:29,034 --> 00:41:31,903
You've asserted yourself,
and you got a job,

948
00:41:31,905 --> 00:41:34,871
so maybe I could give you a loan.

949
00:41:34,873 --> 00:41:36,574
To get a new place.

950
00:41:36,576 --> 00:41:38,909
When you say, "loan," do you
mean the kind you pay back,

951
00:41:38,911 --> 00:41:41,244
or, like, a "wink-wink" loan?

952
00:41:41,246 --> 00:41:42,345
All loans are supposed to be paid back.

953
00:41:42,347 --> 00:41:43,947
Not in my experience.

954
00:41:43,949 --> 00:41:45,849
But you can do that now
because you have a job.

955
00:41:45,851 --> 00:41:47,985
(SING-SONG) I do.

956
00:41:47,987 --> 00:41:51,322
That is an awesome offer. All right!

957
00:41:51,324 --> 00:41:53,257
Okay, wait.

958
00:41:53,259 --> 00:41:56,260
I am going to ask you for
something in return for the money,

959
00:41:56,262 --> 00:41:58,963
and I don't want you to think that
this loan is contingent on that,

960
00:41:58,965 --> 00:42:00,965
but I will say that if you don't do it,

961
00:42:00,967 --> 00:42:02,934
I feel like I might not give you the money.

962
00:42:02,936 --> 00:42:04,202
Okay. Great. What?

963
00:42:04,204 --> 00:42:07,271
(EXHALES)

964
00:42:07,273 --> 00:42:10,643
It's a lot harder than I
thought. Just give me a minute.

965
00:42:11,978 --> 00:42:14,177
Will you be the party mom tonight?

966
00:42:14,179 --> 00:42:17,347
So I can let my freak flag fly?

967
00:42:17,349 --> 00:42:18,382
I would love to.

968
00:42:18,384 --> 00:42:20,219
Yeah?

969
00:42:21,286 --> 00:42:24,354
Because your face is
telling me something else.

970
00:42:24,356 --> 00:42:26,923
That would bring me joy.

971
00:42:26,925 --> 00:42:29,159
You know what? Forget it. It'll
just get screwed up. I'll do it.

972
00:42:29,161 --> 00:42:30,595
You don't think I can take care of people?

973
00:42:30,597 --> 00:42:33,597
I am an actual mom! I got this!

974
00:42:33,599 --> 00:42:35,867
Okay, but the party mom can't drink.

975
00:42:35,869 --> 00:42:38,302
What fresh fuckery is that?

976
00:42:38,304 --> 00:42:40,371
Does a mother drink at
her kid's birthday party?

977
00:42:40,373 --> 00:42:41,972
Yeah, if there's a lifeguard.

978
00:42:41,974 --> 00:42:43,507
No.

979
00:42:43,509 --> 00:42:45,275
It's okay. I don't mind.

980
00:42:45,277 --> 00:42:47,577
Forget it. I'll be fine. It's okay.

981
00:42:47,579 --> 00:42:49,615
(SIGHS)

982
00:42:55,387 --> 00:42:58,421
Okay. I won't drink
tonight. You groin it up.

983
00:42:58,423 --> 00:43:00,391
I'll be you. You be me.

984
00:43:00,393 --> 00:43:04,061
Oh, my God. So many red flags!
Okay. Let's do this! (SHRIEKS)

985
00:43:04,063 --> 00:43:08,932
When you're flirting with Mr.
Man, don't weave your divorce tale.

986
00:43:08,934 --> 00:43:12,470
Drunk people like to show
off with fire. Shut it down.

987
00:43:12,472 --> 00:43:17,240
Over-pronounce things, because he
is gonna be watching your mouth.

988
00:43:17,242 --> 00:43:19,510
Remember, don't leave someone
when they're throwing up.

989
00:43:19,512 --> 00:43:21,345
Sleep-barfing kills.

990
00:43:21,347 --> 00:43:24,014
Once you're in the bedroom,

991
00:43:24,016 --> 00:43:25,983
lock the door so I can't burst in

992
00:43:25,985 --> 00:43:28,318
and take a commemorative picture.

993
00:43:28,320 --> 00:43:29,686
(SQUEAKING)

994
00:43:29,688 --> 00:43:32,523
Kate, can you clean up this gel, please?

995
00:43:32,525 --> 00:43:34,761
Yes! Stop asking me about it.

996
00:43:43,702 --> 00:43:46,638
(CLOCK CHIMING)

997
00:43:50,376 --> 00:43:54,244
It's that scary time when you're
afraid that no one will show up.

998
00:43:54,246 --> 00:43:56,950
- It's 8:32. People aren't gonna...
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

999
00:43:58,583 --> 00:44:01,988
Take it, girl. This is your show.

1000
00:44:05,057 --> 00:44:06,123
Hey.

1001
00:44:06,125 --> 00:44:08,358
- Hey! Hi!
- Hey!

1002
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:10,461
It's Rob and Liz. And their son.

1003
00:44:10,463 --> 00:44:11,561
KATE: Nope.

1004
00:44:11,563 --> 00:44:13,164
Not happening. No kids.

1005
00:44:13,166 --> 00:44:14,498
Yeah, he can just watch TV downstairs.

1006
00:44:14,500 --> 00:44:16,633
No. Him got to go.

1007
00:44:16,635 --> 00:44:19,670
Yeah. Sorry, there's just too
many things he could ingest.

1008
00:44:19,672 --> 00:44:21,505
Um...

1009
00:44:21,507 --> 00:44:22,740
We'll be back.

1010
00:44:22,742 --> 00:44:25,642
Chase, we are gonna go see Nana.

1011
00:44:25,644 --> 00:44:27,311
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yay! (CHUCKLES)

1012
00:44:27,313 --> 00:44:28,646
ROB: You remember her, right?

1013
00:44:28,648 --> 00:44:30,648
Damn. Adults are on time, huh?

1014
00:44:30,650 --> 00:44:32,282
MAURA: Yeah.

1015
00:44:32,284 --> 00:44:34,517
Why is Alex walking up our driveway?

1016
00:44:34,519 --> 00:44:37,722
I'm so sorry. I invited him, because
I feel bad for him. He's very lonely.

1017
00:44:37,724 --> 00:44:40,157
Knock, knock. Who's there?

1018
00:44:40,159 --> 00:44:42,425
Duane! Duane who?

1019
00:44:42,427 --> 00:44:43,626
Duane the bathtub.

1020
00:44:43,628 --> 00:44:47,764
I'm dwowning!

1021
00:44:47,766 --> 00:44:49,133
(ALL LAUGHING)

1022
00:44:49,135 --> 00:44:50,467
You still got it!

1023
00:44:50,469 --> 00:44:52,670
May I please have a beverage?

1024
00:44:52,672 --> 00:44:54,237
(CHUCKLES)

1025
00:44:54,239 --> 00:44:57,307
(EXCLAIMS) Sanctuary! Mmm.

1026
00:44:57,309 --> 00:44:59,275
Wow!

1027
00:44:59,277 --> 00:45:02,278
Welcome to Jurassic Park!

1028
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:04,215
(IMITATES VELOCIRAPTOR)

1029
00:45:04,217 --> 00:45:06,450
Christ, he is immediately exhausting.

1030
00:45:06,452 --> 00:45:07,550
DAVE: Hello there.

1031
00:45:07,552 --> 00:45:09,186
Fun train pulling in!

1032
00:45:09,188 --> 00:45:11,421
- (IMITATING TRAIN WHISTLE) Booze, booze!
- Whoo-hoo!

1033
00:45:11,423 --> 00:45:13,289
(IMITATING TRAIN CHUGGING)

1034
00:45:13,291 --> 00:45:15,928
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

1035
00:45:17,697 --> 00:45:22,669
And when my dad finally
died, he actually glowed.

1036
00:45:24,137 --> 00:45:25,603
- Kelly!
- Ugh!

1037
00:45:25,605 --> 00:45:27,438
When did we all get so old?

1038
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:29,373
I mean, at least the
women are making an effort,

1039
00:45:29,375 --> 00:45:31,175
but the men here?

1040
00:45:31,177 --> 00:45:34,177
Look like they're being slowly poisoned.

1041
00:45:34,179 --> 00:45:37,481
I think it's about how you feel, right?

1042
00:45:37,483 --> 00:45:40,450
Done. You know?

1043
00:45:40,452 --> 00:45:42,619
Best days behind us. Right, guys?

1044
00:45:42,621 --> 00:45:46,557
I don't know. You might live like
another eight or 10 years, Kelly.

1045
00:45:46,559 --> 00:45:48,458
You don't wanna be looking at it like that.

1046
00:45:48,460 --> 00:45:50,161
- Chase was like a 10-pound baby.
- (MAURA SIGHS)

1047
00:45:50,163 --> 00:45:51,695
So when he came out of there,

1048
00:45:51,697 --> 00:45:54,565
- I mean, it was decimated.
- That's horrible. Ugh.

1049
00:45:54,567 --> 00:45:57,200
So I ended up having
a vaginal rejuvenation.

1050
00:45:57,202 --> 00:46:00,070
It's as tight as a keyhole down there.

1051
00:46:00,072 --> 00:46:03,139
I could pick up quarters
with it, if I wanted to.

1052
00:46:03,141 --> 00:46:04,541
I haven't wanted to yet.

1053
00:46:04,543 --> 00:46:06,309
I shouldn't be telling you this,

1054
00:46:06,311 --> 00:46:08,144
but Rob's penis has a kink in it.

1055
00:46:08,146 --> 00:46:09,579
I can't think of what it's called.

1056
00:46:09,581 --> 00:46:11,782
It's kind of, like, crimped?

1057
00:46:11,784 --> 00:46:14,117
I don't know. I can't even...

1058
00:46:14,119 --> 00:46:15,853
- ROB: There they are. Yeah.
- (LIZ CHUCKLES)

1059
00:46:15,855 --> 00:46:17,153
Hey.

1060
00:46:17,155 --> 00:46:18,822
She bragging about me?

1061
00:46:18,824 --> 00:46:20,356
(ALL CHUCKLING)

1062
00:46:20,358 --> 00:46:22,525
Put a bunch of videos on YouTube yesterday.

1063
00:46:22,527 --> 00:46:26,396
I'm up to a hundred hits, so,
<i>sensacion,</i> as they say.

1064
00:46:26,398 --> 00:46:27,498
(CHUCKLING)

1065
00:46:27,500 --> 00:46:29,201
It's empty.

1066
00:46:30,268 --> 00:46:32,003
Boink!

1067
00:46:33,139 --> 00:46:37,108
He has a yeast infection in
his paws, between his paw pads,

1068
00:46:37,110 --> 00:46:40,577
and I have to get a wipe, and I have
to wipe out his paws every night.

1069
00:46:40,579 --> 00:46:41,778
Are you gonna get me a drink?

1070
00:46:41,780 --> 00:46:43,581
Can you give me a chance to offer?

1071
00:46:43,583 --> 00:46:45,316
(SCOFFS)

1072
00:46:45,318 --> 00:46:48,251
One thousand euthanized a
year just in this county.

1073
00:46:48,253 --> 00:46:52,856
I woke up one day, and
boom. No more periods.

1074
00:46:52,858 --> 00:46:55,592
What the fuckenheimer?
Grown-up parties suck.

1075
00:46:55,594 --> 00:46:58,896
(SIGHS) How can one person
have two colonoscopy stories?

1076
00:46:58,898 --> 00:47:01,664
I'm gonna get the dancing started.

1077
00:47:01,666 --> 00:47:02,833
Get in there, kid.

1078
00:47:02,835 --> 00:47:05,603
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hi.

1079
00:47:05,605 --> 00:47:08,539
- Oh, such an uninvited hug.
- (MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH STEREO)

1080
00:47:08,541 --> 00:47:10,441
MAURA: Whoo!

1081
00:47:10,443 --> 00:47:13,276
Come on. Here we go. Here we go!

1082
00:47:13,278 --> 00:47:15,246
Hey, you can't start with <i>Mony Mony!</i>

1083
00:47:15,248 --> 00:47:16,546
- That's like starting with anal.
- Oh.

1084
00:47:16,548 --> 00:47:18,049
All right.

1085
00:47:19,418 --> 00:47:21,187
Geernt!

1086
00:47:22,889 --> 00:47:25,755
Hi, there. Dropping off paint.

1087
00:47:25,757 --> 00:47:27,423
I'll put it by the pool.

1088
00:47:27,425 --> 00:47:28,928
- So?
- Okay.

1089
00:47:30,463 --> 00:47:32,195
MR. GEERNT: My apologies. I was worried

1090
00:47:32,197 --> 00:47:34,597
you were having a party, but I see now,

1091
00:47:34,599 --> 00:47:37,035
you really are having a wake.

1092
00:47:42,375 --> 00:47:44,775
Hey.

1093
00:47:44,777 --> 00:47:46,744
This party is fucking lame. Do you...

1094
00:47:46,746 --> 00:47:47,912
Drugs? I know a guy.

1095
00:47:47,914 --> 00:47:50,380
Call him.

1096
00:47:50,382 --> 00:47:51,514
- HAE-WON: Hello!
- HAE-WON'S HOTTIES: Hi!

1097
00:47:51,516 --> 00:47:53,650
Hae-Won!

1098
00:47:53,652 --> 00:47:54,751
No, Hae-Won.

1099
00:47:54,753 --> 00:47:57,387
Right, sorry. You made it.
I can't believe it. Look!

1100
00:47:57,389 --> 00:47:59,722
What? Look at this flock of hotties.

1101
00:47:59,724 --> 00:48:01,659
Wow. You look so happy.

1102
00:48:01,661 --> 00:48:04,827
You look so free and not oppressed
at all. We were worried about you.

1103
00:48:04,829 --> 00:48:07,264
Really? We were worried about you.

1104
00:48:07,266 --> 00:48:10,434
Both your feet looked like dried beef.

1105
00:48:10,436 --> 00:48:12,702
Ah, I knew you were talking shit about us.

1106
00:48:12,704 --> 00:48:13,838
Who wants a drink? Come on.

1107
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:15,606
- HOTTIE 1: Let's go get drink!
- HOTTIE 2: Let's party!

1108
00:48:15,608 --> 00:48:17,340
Thank you so much for having us.

1109
00:48:17,342 --> 00:48:19,275
- What? You're leaving?
- ROB: Great party.

1110
00:48:19,277 --> 00:48:20,577
- Kate, they're leaving.
- Hey! (STAMMERS)

1111
00:48:20,579 --> 00:48:21,744
Chase has night terrors.

1112
00:48:21,746 --> 00:48:22,880
KATE: Absolutely not.

1113
00:48:22,882 --> 00:48:24,847
Everybody, huddle up for a second.

1114
00:48:24,849 --> 00:48:28,318
To anyone who's even
thinking about leaving,

1115
00:48:28,320 --> 00:48:29,686
you can forget it.

1116
00:48:29,688 --> 00:48:31,822
You need this as much as we do.

1117
00:48:31,824 --> 00:48:33,490
Just as much as we do.

1118
00:48:33,492 --> 00:48:35,559
If you think I strapped
all this shit on tonight

1119
00:48:35,561 --> 00:48:37,760
so you could be home to
watch <i>Flip or Flop,</i>

1120
00:48:37,762 --> 00:48:39,630
you are fucking dreaming.

1121
00:48:39,632 --> 00:48:41,264
You're dreaming.

1122
00:48:41,266 --> 00:48:43,700
Dan and Kim. You got four kids,

1123
00:48:43,702 --> 00:48:46,637
and from what I can thin slice from
your Christmas letters, they're wangs.

1124
00:48:46,639 --> 00:48:49,005
Thank you. Wait, what?

1125
00:48:49,007 --> 00:48:52,742
Kelly! Your profile pic is
a low-fat Mexican casserole.

1126
00:48:52,744 --> 00:48:55,013
Yeah, it is.

1127
00:48:56,315 --> 00:48:58,382
Rob, when was the last time you danced

1128
00:48:58,384 --> 00:48:59,983
with the night air hitting your nips?

1129
00:48:59,985 --> 00:49:02,552
Guns N' Roses. Citrus Bowl, 1991.

1130
00:49:02,554 --> 00:49:04,554
(ALL MURMURING)

1131
00:49:04,556 --> 00:49:07,458
Don't you wanna feel that carefree again?

1132
00:49:07,460 --> 00:49:09,860
Just, like, balls deep in joy?

1133
00:49:09,862 --> 00:49:11,795
- ALL: Yes!
- KATE: It's not too late!

1134
00:49:11,797 --> 00:49:14,697
The young you still lives inside you.

1135
00:49:14,699 --> 00:49:16,432
Just like shingles, y'all.

1136
00:49:16,434 --> 00:49:18,334
KATE: We used to party
in this house like animals

1137
00:49:18,336 --> 00:49:20,403
because we thought we would never die.

1138
00:49:20,405 --> 00:49:22,740
I say, tonight, we party like Vikings

1139
00:49:22,742 --> 00:49:25,008
because we know we could die tomorrow!

1140
00:49:25,010 --> 00:49:26,644
Let's light a boat on fire!

1141
00:49:26,646 --> 00:49:27,945
(ALL CHEERING)

1142
00:49:27,947 --> 00:49:30,581
KATE: Tonight is my gift to you!

1143
00:49:30,583 --> 00:49:33,751
Drink up and run with scissors
tonight, because Mama got you.

1144
00:49:33,753 --> 00:49:35,351
Aw, shit!

1145
00:49:35,353 --> 00:49:36,920
- (ALL CHEERING)
- MAN: Yeah, Mama!

1146
00:49:36,922 --> 00:49:38,554
Now, go call your sitters!

1147
00:49:38,556 --> 00:49:39,889
But what should we call them?

1148
00:49:39,891 --> 00:49:41,057
(ALEX CHUCKLES)

1149
00:49:41,059 --> 00:49:42,358
(LAUGHS)

1150
00:49:42,360 --> 00:49:44,394
Alex is still funny, guys.

1151
00:49:44,396 --> 00:49:45,963
(ALL CHUCKLING)

1152
00:49:45,965 --> 00:49:47,764
- Thanks.
- I'm pouring shots.

1153
00:49:47,766 --> 00:49:50,367
- Now remind me that you know how to do this.
- Whoo!

1154
00:49:50,369 --> 00:49:51,668
JERRY: I remember how to do it!

1155
00:49:51,670 --> 00:49:53,570
And let's dance our titties off!

1156
00:49:53,572 --> 00:49:54,938
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

1157
00:49:54,940 --> 00:49:57,009
ALL: (CHANTING) Shot, shot, shot!

1158
00:49:59,445 --> 00:50:00,811
(ALL CHEERING)

1159
00:50:00,813 --> 00:50:02,880
Next round, vodka!

1160
00:50:02,882 --> 00:50:04,382
Have you done it?

1161
00:50:08,688 --> 00:50:09,853
MAURA: Only people with children.

1162
00:50:09,855 --> 00:50:11,623
- People with kids.
- People with kids.

1163
00:50:12,692 --> 00:50:14,259
(YELLING)

1164
00:50:17,896 --> 00:50:20,131
(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES)

1165
00:50:35,648 --> 00:50:37,248
(DOORBELL RINGS)

1166
00:50:41,753 --> 00:50:43,519
Hey!

1167
00:50:43,521 --> 00:50:45,356
That's a really beautiful
orchid. Is that for me?

1168
00:50:45,358 --> 00:50:47,691
- No, this is mine.
- (MAURA CHUCKLES)

1169
00:50:47,693 --> 00:50:49,827
Maura. Invite Doctor Bushwhack in.

1170
00:50:49,829 --> 00:50:51,894
Show him where to put
his things. I'll greet.

1171
00:50:51,896 --> 00:50:54,465
Uh, please come in, and take off your...

1172
00:50:54,467 --> 00:50:55,699
Just come in.

1173
00:50:55,701 --> 00:50:56,867
JAMES: There you go.

1174
00:50:56,869 --> 00:50:58,369
- Oh, thank you.
- No problem.

1175
00:50:58,371 --> 00:51:00,371
- It's beautiful.
- Thank you.

1176
00:51:00,373 --> 00:51:02,606
Wow. It smells amazing.

1177
00:51:02,608 --> 00:51:04,575
Do orchids smell?

1178
00:51:04,577 --> 00:51:07,077
They can, if you get fungus gnats.

1179
00:51:07,079 --> 00:51:09,912
And those are hard to get rid
of. It stinks up your whole house.

1180
00:51:09,914 --> 00:51:12,014
But this one looks good.

1181
00:51:12,016 --> 00:51:13,650
JAMES: Yeah, this is pretty healthy.

1182
00:51:13,652 --> 00:51:15,586
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Why don't you greet your guests?

1183
00:51:15,588 --> 00:51:18,524
I'm gonna make myself a
drink, and face the wall.

1184
00:51:22,527 --> 00:51:25,128
KATE: Cover time. Twenty bucks
for the booze and food, please.

1185
00:51:25,130 --> 00:51:26,796
Kate. The lesbians are here.

1186
00:51:26,798 --> 00:51:28,164
Excellent.

1187
00:51:28,166 --> 00:51:31,001
Hey. Cool if I spin some tunes?

1188
00:51:31,003 --> 00:51:32,702
I'm afraid to tell you no.

1189
00:51:32,704 --> 00:51:34,170
- Great.
- Great.

1190
00:51:34,172 --> 00:51:36,107
KATE: Let them through, everybody!

1191
00:51:41,947 --> 00:51:45,715
Get ready for a Sarah
McLachlan/Tracy Chapman mash-up.

1192
00:51:45,717 --> 00:51:47,517
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

1193
00:51:47,519 --> 00:51:48,751
Oh, yeah!

1194
00:51:48,753 --> 00:51:51,822
Oh, shit.

1195
00:51:51,824 --> 00:51:54,057
(MUSIC STOPS)

1196
00:51:54,059 --> 00:51:55,925
(MUSIC CONTINUES)

1197
00:51:55,927 --> 00:51:58,396
(ALL CHEERING)

1198
00:52:04,702 --> 00:52:06,537
- KATE: Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah.

1199
00:52:06,539 --> 00:52:07,871
How's it going in there?

1200
00:52:07,873 --> 00:52:10,541
Well, I told him about my fungus gnats.

1201
00:52:10,543 --> 00:52:13,010
Let him do the bulk of the talking.

1202
00:52:13,012 --> 00:52:15,479
Yeah, I'm just afraid when it gets quiet.

1203
00:52:15,481 --> 00:52:17,880
Good things are hidden in the quiet.

1204
00:52:17,882 --> 00:52:19,516
Who said that?

1205
00:52:19,518 --> 00:52:20,851
I did. I'm smart.

1206
00:52:20,853 --> 00:52:22,219
Okay.

1207
00:52:22,221 --> 00:52:24,189
You should put that on one of your cards.

1208
00:52:32,030 --> 00:52:35,731
<i>But it is expected of you. Your
absence has already been noted.</i>

1209
00:52:35,733 --> 00:52:37,534
JOFFREY ON TV: <i>The boy
means nothing to me.</i>

1210
00:52:37,536 --> 00:52:39,570
<i>I can't stand the wailing of women.</i>

1211
00:52:39,572 --> 00:52:40,470
(BRINDA GRUNTS)

1212
00:52:40,472 --> 00:52:43,005
God, I could watch Tyrion slap the smug

1213
00:52:43,007 --> 00:52:45,508
off that little fucker's
face a hundred times

1214
00:52:45,510 --> 00:52:46,976
- and never get sick of it.
- (ALL CHUCKLING)

1215
00:52:46,978 --> 00:52:50,481
Did you know that Jack Gleeson was
the little boy in <i>Batman Begins?</i>

1216
00:52:50,483 --> 00:52:53,182
Jean, when you use the actors' real names,

1217
00:52:53,184 --> 00:52:55,686
you're not allowing yourself
to live inside the fantasy world

1218
00:52:55,688 --> 00:52:58,021
that they've so lovingly crafted for us.

1219
00:52:58,023 --> 00:53:01,758
Oh, and just a reminder there's a no
phone policy on our <i>G.O.T.</i> nights.

1220
00:53:01,760 --> 00:53:03,059
DENNY: I'm sorry.

1221
00:53:03,061 --> 00:53:06,530
Ian Mitchell keeps posting
photos of the Ellis Island party,

1222
00:53:06,532 --> 00:53:09,132
and it looks like kinda damn fun.

1223
00:53:09,134 --> 00:53:11,501
I kinda wanna drop by.

1224
00:53:11,503 --> 00:53:14,137
- They have cheese.
- (GASPS)

1225
00:53:14,139 --> 00:53:15,873
DENNY: Cheese.

1226
00:53:15,875 --> 00:53:17,608
All we have is wine.

1227
00:53:17,610 --> 00:53:19,642
And it's non-alcoholic.

1228
00:53:19,644 --> 00:53:21,744
JEAN: We don't have to
take off our shoes there.

1229
00:53:21,746 --> 00:53:24,213
- And there aren't so many rules.
- (EXHALES)

1230
00:53:24,215 --> 00:53:26,885
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

1231
00:53:28,052 --> 00:53:29,186
I'll take another one...

1232
00:53:29,188 --> 00:53:30,756
- JAMES: Hey.
- MAURA: Hey.

1233
00:53:32,557 --> 00:53:36,059
Man, I haven't been to a party in a while.

1234
00:53:36,061 --> 00:53:39,698
I know. The last party I went to
was probably my wedding reception.

1235
00:53:44,603 --> 00:53:47,204
- This wine...
- So did you see your parents die?

1236
00:53:47,206 --> 00:53:49,741
(STAMMERING) No, I didn't,

1237
00:53:50,909 --> 00:53:52,708
but I know they did.

1238
00:53:52,710 --> 00:53:54,744
- (CHUCKLES)
- Well, that's good to know.

1239
00:53:54,746 --> 00:53:57,146
It's not good to know.

1240
00:53:57,148 --> 00:53:58,815
Hey, it's okay.

1241
00:53:58,817 --> 00:54:00,751
I mean, you can ask me anything.

1242
00:54:00,753 --> 00:54:02,621
What do you want to know about me?

1243
00:54:04,889 --> 00:54:07,590
I have nachos that are in the broiler.

1244
00:54:07,592 --> 00:54:09,226
I have to go get them.

1245
00:54:09,228 --> 00:54:11,228
Yeah, go. Do your thing. I'll be here.

1246
00:54:11,230 --> 00:54:13,299
- All right.
- All right.

1247
00:54:15,300 --> 00:54:17,633
What are you doing out here by
yourself? Where's your boyfriend?

1248
00:54:17,635 --> 00:54:19,936
No, I don't think he's
right for me. It's a pass.

1249
00:54:19,938 --> 00:54:22,673
He's so direct, you know.
There's no surprises there.

1250
00:54:22,675 --> 00:54:23,773
There's not a lot to discover.

1251
00:54:23,775 --> 00:54:26,208
- It's nice to be...
- Mmm-hmm...

1252
00:54:26,210 --> 00:54:29,713
...so physically, emotionally
attracted to someone.

1253
00:54:29,715 --> 00:54:31,581
Uh-huh. Yeah.

1254
00:54:31,583 --> 00:54:32,983
But that's not what life is.

1255
00:54:32,985 --> 00:54:38,021
Life is about challenges and shadows
and corners and feeling weird.

1256
00:54:38,023 --> 00:54:40,590
You are so full of shit, that
I'm gonna buy you Pull-Ups.

1257
00:54:40,592 --> 00:54:41,992
I just think we're gonna
be very good friends.

1258
00:54:41,994 --> 00:54:44,126
- I think you're being a little dramatic.
- I'm not.

1259
00:54:44,128 --> 00:54:46,162
I asked him if he saw his parents die.

1260
00:54:46,164 --> 00:54:48,097
Oh, Jesus.

1261
00:54:48,099 --> 00:54:50,233
- Yeah. I don't like this feeling.
- What feeling?

1262
00:54:50,235 --> 00:54:53,336
This high school feeling when
you're crushing on someone

1263
00:54:53,338 --> 00:54:55,671
and you're afraid that they're
not gonna like you back,

1264
00:54:55,673 --> 00:54:57,074
and then you're gonna get heart cramps.

1265
00:54:57,076 --> 00:54:59,976
Hey, I think you're
getting ahead of yourself.

1266
00:54:59,978 --> 00:55:02,280
Someone else is talking to him anyway.

1267
00:55:03,849 --> 00:55:05,182
Brinda?

1268
00:55:05,184 --> 00:55:08,985
Oh, hail naw!

1269
00:55:08,987 --> 00:55:11,655
Are you serious? Because
I am straight-up baffled.

1270
00:55:11,657 --> 00:55:13,190
I'm sorry?

1271
00:55:13,192 --> 00:55:16,693
I believe you called this party
a "sad and desperate event"?

1272
00:55:16,695 --> 00:55:19,329
Well, I just figured I'd pop
in and say hello to everyone.

1273
00:55:19,331 --> 00:55:21,030
I mean, we're all adults now, right?

1274
00:55:21,032 --> 00:55:23,400
Nice try. On your bike, bitch.

1275
00:55:23,402 --> 00:55:25,635
Get your peanut butter out
of my sister's chocolate.

1276
00:55:25,637 --> 00:55:27,003
Wow.

1277
00:55:27,005 --> 00:55:30,240
I respect your jumpsuit,
but not its contents. Hit it.

1278
00:55:30,242 --> 00:55:32,642
Well, this is ludicrous.

1279
00:55:32,644 --> 00:55:35,345
(IMITATES GULPING) Get out.

1280
00:55:35,347 --> 00:55:39,048
Fine. I have another
function to attend anyway.

1281
00:55:39,050 --> 00:55:41,885
Besides, I flushed a
tampon down your toilet.

1282
00:55:41,887 --> 00:55:43,920
You're pads all the way
and everyone knows it.

1283
00:55:43,922 --> 00:55:44,887
BRINDA: Nuh-uh.

1284
00:55:44,889 --> 00:55:47,190
Let's go. Let's get
out of this septic tank.

1285
00:55:47,192 --> 00:55:48,858
I kind of want to stay a little.

1286
00:55:48,860 --> 00:55:50,226
Yeah, me too.

1287
00:55:50,228 --> 00:55:51,862
For serious?

1288
00:55:51,864 --> 00:55:54,731
We never got to go before
because Kate hated you.

1289
00:55:54,733 --> 00:55:57,668
We suffered from secondhand hate.

1290
00:55:57,670 --> 00:56:00,170
(HISSES)

1291
00:56:00,172 --> 00:56:02,074
Wow.

1292
00:56:04,143 --> 00:56:06,409
- (GASPS)
- (DRIPPING)

1293
00:56:06,411 --> 00:56:08,711
Hi. You guys are welcome
here. You know that, right?

1294
00:56:08,713 --> 00:56:10,213
- Do you wanna do some shots?
- Yeah.

1295
00:56:10,215 --> 00:56:14,316
Hi, I'd like to make a noise complaint.

1296
00:56:14,318 --> 00:56:17,753
Winter is coming, bitches.

1297
00:56:17,755 --> 00:56:19,188
- MAURA: So, what's this order again?
- JAMES: All right.

1298
00:56:19,190 --> 00:56:20,724
It goes salt.

1299
00:56:20,726 --> 00:56:22,693
Shot.

1300
00:56:22,695 --> 00:56:24,226
And then we suck on these?

1301
00:56:24,228 --> 00:56:25,461
- No, you throw them at each other.
- (CHUCKLES)

1302
00:56:25,463 --> 00:56:27,030
That's the way you're supposed to.

1303
00:56:27,032 --> 00:56:28,130
- KATE: Maura?
- That's what...

1304
00:56:28,132 --> 00:56:29,932
Some guy here to see you?

1305
00:56:29,934 --> 00:56:31,168
Excuse me.

1306
00:56:31,170 --> 00:56:32,769
All right. Go do it.

1307
00:56:32,771 --> 00:56:34,771
- My dude's in the bedroom.
- What dude?

1308
00:56:34,773 --> 00:56:35,472
Some kid we're buying weed from.

1309
00:56:35,474 --> 00:56:37,409
Ooh, okay.

1310
00:56:38,710 --> 00:56:40,445
Hi, there.

1311
00:56:43,181 --> 00:56:44,880
Holy mother.

1312
00:56:44,882 --> 00:56:47,751
That's right. This is my
best friend, my brah, right?

1313
00:56:47,753 --> 00:56:49,019
This is Pazuzu.

1314
00:56:49,021 --> 00:56:50,153
It sure is.

1315
00:56:50,155 --> 00:56:53,490
Pazuzu. Thank you so much
for bringing your arms here.

1316
00:56:53,492 --> 00:56:55,758
Your drugs here.

1317
00:56:55,760 --> 00:56:58,829
Uh, is your ink Samoan?
I saw a documentary once...

1318
00:56:58,831 --> 00:56:59,996
I will handle this.

1319
00:56:59,998 --> 00:57:04,066
We are looking for... To buy drugs.

1320
00:57:04,068 --> 00:57:05,367
(SNIFFS)

1321
00:57:05,369 --> 00:57:07,070
What'chu want?

1322
00:57:07,072 --> 00:57:10,807
I got ketamine, meth, MDMA, Adderall,

1323
00:57:10,809 --> 00:57:15,244
Bromo-Dragonfly, heroin,
coke, crack, codeine, oxys,

1324
00:57:15,246 --> 00:57:16,378
- (EXCLAIMS)
- percs, vikes,

1325
00:57:16,380 --> 00:57:19,249
PCP, LSD, Dilaudid, mescaline,

1326
00:57:19,251 --> 00:57:22,418
mushrooms, bath salts, cortisone, Toradol.

1327
00:57:22,420 --> 00:57:25,088
I got molly. I got her sister
Sandra. I got big Frank.

1328
00:57:25,090 --> 00:57:27,224
I got birth control. I got Plan B.

1329
00:57:27,226 --> 00:57:29,492
I got that morphine from
China they took off the market.

1330
00:57:29,494 --> 00:57:31,161
Shit to make your dick hard.

1331
00:57:31,163 --> 00:57:33,295
Shit to make your dick
soft. Shit'll find your dick.

1332
00:57:33,297 --> 00:57:35,097
That shit there's from Kenya.

1333
00:57:35,099 --> 00:57:37,166
Supposed to be a scurvy
cure for silverback gorillas,

1334
00:57:37,168 --> 00:57:39,336
but for humans, it just makes
them violently masturbate.

1335
00:57:39,338 --> 00:57:40,871
Did I say crack? Because
I got more of that, too.

1336
00:57:40,873 --> 00:57:42,305
Mmm-hmm. You said crack already.

1337
00:57:42,307 --> 00:57:44,874
I got some Ibuprofen, aspirin. I
got Flintstone Gummies if you want.

1338
00:57:44,876 --> 00:57:45,976
You seem good at your job.

1339
00:57:45,978 --> 00:57:47,978
- We don't need any of that. No.
- No.

1340
00:57:47,980 --> 00:57:53,150
We're just gonna take some
low-level, late '80s dirt pot.

1341
00:57:53,152 --> 00:57:55,452
You know, the kind with seeds in
it that you separate on a Frisbee.

1342
00:57:55,454 --> 00:57:57,554
Something you smoke at a Bangles concert.

1343
00:57:57,556 --> 00:58:01,458
I didn't drive my ass across town to
sell some moms some fucking dirt pot.

1344
00:58:01,460 --> 00:58:03,325
Y'all gonna buy some Cloud 10.

1345
00:58:03,327 --> 00:58:04,860
DAVE: I'm sorry, man.
They're just new to the game.

1346
00:58:04,862 --> 00:58:06,162
Ladies, come on. This is Cloud 10.

1347
00:58:06,164 --> 00:58:07,430
This is the shiz, a'ight?

1348
00:58:07,432 --> 00:58:13,003
This is, like, 70% molly, 20%
Adderall, and it's 10% fun!

1349
00:58:13,005 --> 00:58:14,304
You know what? You seem like a pro,

1350
00:58:14,306 --> 00:58:16,840
so we'll just take a little ohwheed

1351
00:58:16,842 --> 00:58:20,075
and just a skosh of Cloud 10.

1352
00:58:20,077 --> 00:58:21,344
MAURA: Are there hazelnuts in that?

1353
00:58:21,346 --> 00:58:23,345
- I'll take the stuff for the dick.
- I got you.

1354
00:58:23,347 --> 00:58:25,816
- KATE: I'll take this.
- PAZUZU: Y'all mind if I hang out a bit?

1355
00:58:25,818 --> 00:58:27,450
- Uh... Nah.
- Nah.

1356
00:58:27,452 --> 00:58:29,519
- (STAMMERING) Please, please, please don't.
- Nuh-uh.

1357
00:58:29,521 --> 00:58:31,857
- Don't stay... Stay. Yep.
- Thanks.

1358
00:58:37,963 --> 00:58:41,164
Hey, you don't have any
Goldfish crackers up there?

1359
00:58:41,166 --> 00:58:42,965
Don't mean to be coy.

1360
00:58:42,967 --> 00:58:44,066
MAURA: Oh, hi, Alex.

1361
00:58:44,068 --> 00:58:46,135
I'm just hiding this stevia.
That shit's expensive.

1362
00:58:46,137 --> 00:58:47,537
Koi, goldfish.

1363
00:58:47,539 --> 00:58:50,576
(CHUCKLES) You.

1364
00:58:58,550 --> 00:59:03,922
You know, you're the type of badass
that I was susceptible to in my youth.

1365
00:59:10,295 --> 00:59:12,896
I used to make out with
my Stretch Armstrong doll,

1366
00:59:12,898 --> 00:59:17,169
so this is, like, a full
circle moment for me.

1367
00:59:18,469 --> 00:59:21,537
(POLICE SIREN BLARES)

1368
00:59:21,539 --> 00:59:24,441
Hey. Turn the music off!

1369
00:59:24,443 --> 00:59:26,409
Everybody duck!

1370
00:59:26,411 --> 00:59:27,376
(ALL MURMURING)

1371
00:59:27,378 --> 00:59:29,580
Quack, quack.

1372
00:59:34,353 --> 00:59:36,586
Hi. We donated already.

1373
00:59:36,588 --> 00:59:38,521
Hey. We received a noise complaint?

1374
00:59:38,523 --> 00:59:41,258
Oh, Officer, we are so sorry.
We'll shut everything down.

1375
00:59:41,260 --> 00:59:42,659
No, it's...

1376
00:59:42,661 --> 00:59:47,030
Wait a minute. Your eyes are gorgeous.

1377
00:59:47,032 --> 00:59:50,467
You know you look exactly
like an Affleck brother, right?

1378
00:59:50,469 --> 00:59:53,369
I mean, it is like, dead ringer times.

1379
00:59:53,371 --> 00:59:55,271
Any underage drinking going on?

1380
00:59:55,273 --> 00:59:57,106
- Oh, no. No.
- No.

1381
00:59:57,108 --> 00:59:58,340
Everybody's double 21 in there.

1382
00:59:58,342 --> 00:59:59,976
Way over age.

1383
00:59:59,978 --> 01:00:01,344
We had a 60-year-old
buy our beer.

1384
01:00:01,346 --> 01:00:02,445
Well, you don't look a day over 25.

1385
01:00:02,447 --> 01:00:05,180
MAURA: Thank you.

1386
01:00:05,182 --> 01:00:06,249
Thirty-five.

1387
01:00:06,251 --> 01:00:07,416
Oh!

1388
01:00:07,418 --> 01:00:10,686
Just do me a favor and act
your ages and keep it down?

1389
01:00:10,688 --> 01:00:12,255
We will keep it down.

1390
01:00:12,257 --> 01:00:15,224
We will keep it so down,
like, below sea level.

1391
01:00:15,226 --> 01:00:16,559
- Nice teamwork.
- Yeah.

1392
01:00:16,561 --> 01:00:18,193
I miss flirting with cops.

1393
01:00:18,195 --> 01:00:20,162
- (MAURA CHUCKLING)
- He was so afraid of us.

1394
01:00:20,164 --> 01:00:23,633
(WHISPERS) Motherfucker,
titty-sucker, two-balled bitch.

1395
01:00:23,635 --> 01:00:26,436
First PoPo of the night thwarted by charm.

1396
01:00:26,438 --> 01:00:29,204
Ellis Island, proceed, y'all!

1397
01:00:29,206 --> 01:00:31,742
(ALL CHEERING)

1398
01:00:35,681 --> 01:00:37,713
Hey. I put in a request
for our special song

1399
01:00:37,715 --> 01:00:39,682
so we can do the Applebutt Jam.

1400
01:00:39,684 --> 01:00:42,952
I don't think we should do that
tonight. That's not that cool.

1401
01:00:42,954 --> 01:00:45,354
No! Tonight is my night, and it is cool,

1402
01:00:45,356 --> 01:00:48,292
because we're doing it, and we're cool.

1403
01:00:49,628 --> 01:00:52,297
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

1404
01:00:55,099 --> 01:00:57,803
(ALL CHEERING)

1405
01:01:33,472 --> 01:01:35,707
It's good, right?

1406
01:01:41,012 --> 01:01:42,747
(LAUGHS)

1407
01:01:54,458 --> 01:01:56,327
Whoo!

1408
01:01:58,530 --> 01:02:00,463
(KELLY CRYING)

1409
01:02:00,465 --> 01:02:02,331
KATE: Come here, peanut.

1410
01:02:02,333 --> 01:02:05,434
Tell Mama what's freaking
you the fuck out about time.

1411
01:02:05,436 --> 01:02:07,269
I don't know. It's just like...

1412
01:02:07,271 --> 01:02:10,472
The other day, I saw this old lady

1413
01:02:10,474 --> 01:02:12,608
looking at me through
a window on the street,

1414
01:02:12,610 --> 01:02:15,545
and I felt bad for her, you know?

1415
01:02:15,547 --> 01:02:18,447
I waved at her, and she waved back at me,

1416
01:02:18,449 --> 01:02:22,820
and then I realized that
was just my reflection.

1417
01:02:24,222 --> 01:02:28,324
It was just me and my old beef jerky face.

1418
01:02:28,326 --> 01:02:30,127
(SOBBING)

1419
01:02:31,463 --> 01:02:34,097
Why does time do that to faces?

1420
01:02:34,099 --> 01:02:35,901
Why?

1421
01:02:38,269 --> 01:02:40,038
Don't do that.

1422
01:02:41,306 --> 01:02:44,773
When the time is right, smoke
this with your gentleman friend.

1423
01:02:44,775 --> 01:02:48,144
I'm gonna make space cakes for the rest
of the gang like a goddamn June Cleaver

1424
01:02:48,146 --> 01:02:50,348
- because I have a domestic side.
- Mmm-hmm.

1425
01:03:11,235 --> 01:03:12,668
Look what fell into my cleavage.

1426
01:03:12,670 --> 01:03:15,306
Plinko! Jackpot! (CHUCKLES) Let's go.

1427
01:03:18,143 --> 01:03:19,810
Ooh...

1428
01:03:22,347 --> 01:03:25,215
Do you play any sports?

1429
01:03:25,217 --> 01:03:27,851
Tennis, for a little while.

1430
01:03:27,853 --> 01:03:30,221
That's what I was gonna guess.

1431
01:03:34,525 --> 01:03:38,628
- Okay, Dribbles. I got you, girl.
- Hey.

1432
01:03:38,630 --> 01:03:40,829
- (SIGHS)
- Let's go right in there.

1433
01:03:40,831 --> 01:03:44,301
Get you looking nice and clean
so you can throw up on it later.

1434
01:03:52,443 --> 01:03:56,746
You look like you naturally
have no body hair whatsoever.

1435
01:03:56,748 --> 01:03:58,815
Do you oil yourself up a lot?

1436
01:03:58,817 --> 01:04:00,816
When I need to get through a narrow shaft.

1437
01:04:00,818 --> 01:04:04,555
Danger. Walk away. That's
a black diamond slope.

1438
01:04:07,692 --> 01:04:09,559
Why ain't you partying?

1439
01:04:09,561 --> 01:04:14,164
Because I'm the designated mom
tonight. I'm keeping everybody safe.

1440
01:04:14,166 --> 01:04:15,798
Do you have kids?

1441
01:04:15,800 --> 01:04:18,036
I'm sure I do.

1442
01:04:19,204 --> 01:04:20,939
(MOUTHING) Shit.

1443
01:04:24,576 --> 01:04:26,275
DAVE: Hey, Kate. You
remember when you scaled that

1444
01:04:26,277 --> 01:04:27,911
sucker right there up to the last beam

1445
01:04:27,913 --> 01:04:29,945
and you hollered, "I'm the bomb!"

1446
01:04:29,947 --> 01:04:31,914
Like it was yesterday, yo.

1447
01:04:31,916 --> 01:04:33,249
Well, come on, Kate.
What are you waiting for?

1448
01:04:33,251 --> 01:04:34,751
Come on, everybody. Kate, Kate!

1449
01:04:34,753 --> 01:04:37,653
ALL: (CHANTING) Kate, Kate, Kate!

1450
01:04:37,655 --> 01:04:39,290
(WHISTLING)

1451
01:04:41,226 --> 01:04:45,029
When you're sober, it's kind of
like, "Why would anyone do this?"

1452
01:04:46,864 --> 01:04:49,333
ALL: (CHANTING) Kate, Kate, Kate!

1453
01:04:50,568 --> 01:04:52,434
Come on, Kate. Come on!

1454
01:04:52,436 --> 01:04:54,503
- KATE: This is scary as shart.
- (ALL GASPING)

1455
01:04:54,505 --> 01:04:55,771
How did I not die doing this?

1456
01:04:55,773 --> 01:04:57,874
Don't try this. This is not safe.

1457
01:04:57,876 --> 01:05:00,242
Somebody moved these bricks.

1458
01:05:00,244 --> 01:05:02,912
- FEMALE GUEST: Hang tight, lady!
- (ALL CHEERING)

1459
01:05:02,914 --> 01:05:05,914
KATE: This is for the
fucking birds. Shitters.

1460
01:05:05,916 --> 01:05:08,217
Oh, you guys. You guys are gonna love this.

1461
01:05:08,219 --> 01:05:10,420
Don't move. Stay right there.

1462
01:05:10,422 --> 01:05:11,688
(LAUGHS)

1463
01:05:11,690 --> 01:05:13,289
All right. Ready? Ready?

1464
01:05:13,291 --> 01:05:15,891
Okay, guys, can you guess who I am? Ready?

1465
01:05:15,893 --> 01:05:20,929
You wanna play rough? Okay.
Say hello to my little friend!

1466
01:05:20,931 --> 01:05:22,865
- Cheech! No, Chong.
- ALEX: No, no, no.

1467
01:05:22,867 --> 01:05:25,334
Say hello to my little friend!

1468
01:05:25,336 --> 01:05:27,570
(EXCLAIMS)

1469
01:05:27,572 --> 01:05:29,975
- ROB: Tim Allen.
- No.

1470
01:05:31,509 --> 01:05:35,744
Say hello to my little
friend. Bullets? Nothing.

1471
01:05:35,746 --> 01:05:39,382
I love cocaine! Because
I have a scar on my face!

1472
01:05:39,384 --> 01:05:40,916
(CHUCKLES)

1473
01:05:40,918 --> 01:05:43,286
(SNIFFING AND SNORTING)

1474
01:05:43,288 --> 01:05:44,954
(LAUGHS)

1475
01:05:44,956 --> 01:05:47,659
(COUGHING HEAVILY)

1476
01:05:49,494 --> 01:05:51,860
It's stevia! (CHUCKLES) Psych!

1477
01:05:51,862 --> 01:05:53,963
It's stevia!

1478
01:05:53,965 --> 01:05:55,298
(BABBLES)

1479
01:05:55,300 --> 01:05:56,798
(CHUCKLES AND YELLS)

1480
01:05:56,800 --> 01:05:59,668
(COUGHING HEAVILY)

1481
01:05:59,670 --> 01:06:01,271
Hmm... (PANTS)

1482
01:06:01,273 --> 01:06:03,108
Come on. You can get this!

1483
01:06:10,815 --> 01:06:14,650
So, if I read this,

1484
01:06:14,652 --> 01:06:16,818
will I get, like, amazing
insight into who you are?

1485
01:06:16,820 --> 01:06:18,688
- I am afraid so.
- Okay.

1486
01:06:18,690 --> 01:06:21,824
Way behind the curtain.
Like, in the broom closet.

1487
01:06:21,826 --> 01:06:24,293
Well, I like broom closets. Here we go.

1488
01:06:24,295 --> 01:06:26,329
(READING) "I tried tampons.

1489
01:06:26,331 --> 01:06:28,630
- "No thanks, Tom Hanks."
- (CHUCKLES)

1490
01:06:28,632 --> 01:06:30,666
"It felt like I fell
down hard on a popsicle."

1491
01:06:30,668 --> 01:06:31,934
Oh, man.

1492
01:06:31,936 --> 01:06:33,769
That's from last week.

1493
01:06:33,771 --> 01:06:35,438
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

1494
01:06:35,440 --> 01:06:36,606
It's good stuff in here.

1495
01:06:36,608 --> 01:06:37,706
It's my gift to you.

1496
01:06:37,708 --> 01:06:39,775
I love it. I want more.

1497
01:06:39,777 --> 01:06:42,045
Now you tell me a secret.

1498
01:06:42,047 --> 01:06:44,680
Okay.

1499
01:06:44,682 --> 01:06:46,916
I lost a whole bunch of weight recently.

1500
01:06:46,918 --> 01:06:49,584
Like, 70 pounds.

1501
01:06:49,586 --> 01:06:51,019
- Wow. That's great.
- Yeah, it's a lot.

1502
01:06:51,021 --> 01:06:52,889
All right, tell me something else.

1503
01:06:52,891 --> 01:06:55,527
Oh, uh... (SIGHS)

1504
01:06:56,994 --> 01:06:59,096
I got divorced.

1505
01:07:02,032 --> 01:07:05,400
So, you lost, like, 200 pounds.

1506
01:07:05,402 --> 01:07:07,571
(CHUCKLING)

1507
01:07:08,972 --> 01:07:11,474
(SNIFFS)

1508
01:07:11,476 --> 01:07:13,008
Let's...

1509
01:07:13,010 --> 01:07:14,476
You wanna try something?

1510
01:07:14,478 --> 01:07:15,677
Okay.

1511
01:07:15,679 --> 01:07:18,113
Um...

1512
01:07:18,115 --> 01:07:20,583
- On the count of three...
- Mmm-hmm.

1513
01:07:20,585 --> 01:07:24,288
...let's say what we're both afraid of.

1514
01:07:26,958 --> 01:07:28,925
I mean, unless you don't want to.

1515
01:07:28,927 --> 01:07:32,128
No, I'm not afraid to say it.

1516
01:07:32,130 --> 01:07:33,829
- Okay?
- Okay, ready?

1517
01:07:33,831 --> 01:07:35,565
BOTH: One.

1518
01:07:35,567 --> 01:07:36,699
Two.

1519
01:07:36,701 --> 01:07:38,469
Three.

1520
01:07:39,637 --> 01:07:42,172
- Alligators.
- Choking on a steak.

1521
01:07:43,641 --> 01:07:45,509
Not great. (CHUCKLES)

1522
01:07:48,646 --> 01:07:50,947
Let's really say what we're afraid of.

1523
01:07:50,949 --> 01:07:53,449
Like, for real.

1524
01:07:53,451 --> 01:07:55,620
- Okay.
- Okay?

1525
01:07:57,422 --> 01:07:58,920
(CLEARS THROAT)

1526
01:07:58,922 --> 01:08:01,590
Ready?

1527
01:08:01,592 --> 01:08:05,026
BOTH: One, two, three.

1528
01:08:05,028 --> 01:08:07,162
- I'm afraid that I'm boring...
- I'm afraid that losing weight...

1529
01:08:07,164 --> 01:08:10,200
- ...and I have too much baggage.
- ...won't fix everything.

1530
01:08:15,873 --> 01:08:20,742
Did you lose weight to
gain self-confidence?

1531
01:08:20,744 --> 01:08:22,945
No.

1532
01:08:22,947 --> 01:08:25,080
I think I lost the weight

1533
01:08:25,082 --> 01:08:30,154
so I could gain a better
view of my perfect penis.

1534
01:08:31,689 --> 01:08:32,955
I missed the little guy. Not little.

1535
01:08:32,957 --> 01:08:35,458
(CHUCKLES)

1536
01:08:35,460 --> 01:08:37,729
Medium. I miss the medium guy.

1537
01:08:40,097 --> 01:08:42,898
You are so not boring, by the way.

1538
01:08:42,900 --> 01:08:45,737
You've already fixed so many things.

1539
01:08:48,038 --> 01:08:51,907
There used to be so much stuff here.

1540
01:08:51,909 --> 01:08:55,145
This attic made me feel very safe.

1541
01:08:56,713 --> 01:08:59,147
Well, a house is just a building.

1542
01:08:59,149 --> 01:09:03,119
Home is a feeling.

1543
01:09:03,121 --> 01:09:04,853
- That's beautiful.
- Thank you.

1544
01:09:04,855 --> 01:09:05,921
Who said that?

1545
01:09:05,923 --> 01:09:08,593
- I did. Just now.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

1546
01:09:15,800 --> 01:09:16,933
(BLOWS)

1547
01:09:16,935 --> 01:09:18,534
Ugh. (COUGHS)

1548
01:09:18,536 --> 01:09:19,768
(LAUGHING)

1549
01:09:19,770 --> 01:09:21,536
- Were you shotgunning me?
- I am so sorry.

1550
01:09:21,538 --> 01:09:23,138
- I misjudged the shotgun.
- I was going to.

1551
01:09:23,140 --> 01:09:24,906
It's my fault. I was showboating.

1552
01:09:24,908 --> 01:09:27,143
- I am so sorry about that.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

1553
01:09:27,145 --> 01:09:28,945
(IN CUBAN ACCENT) You talking to me?

1554
01:09:28,947 --> 01:09:30,613
Uh, Robert Pacino.

1555
01:09:30,615 --> 01:09:34,616
(IN CUBAN ACCENT) Why don't you try sticking
your head up your ass? See if it fits?

1556
01:09:34,618 --> 01:09:37,119
- What's the one... Grimace?
- No.

1557
01:09:37,121 --> 01:09:42,592
Why don't you try sticking
your head up your ass? (LAUGHS)

1558
01:09:42,594 --> 01:09:44,125
(QUICKLY) Why don't you try
sticking your head up your ass?

1559
01:09:44,127 --> 01:09:46,562
See if it fits! See if it fits!

1560
01:09:46,564 --> 01:09:48,763
(LAUGHS) Stevia!

1561
01:09:48,765 --> 01:09:50,799
Why don't you stick your head up your ass?

1562
01:09:50,801 --> 01:09:52,735
- See if it fits?
- Pass.

1563
01:09:52,737 --> 01:09:55,004
Why don't you stick your head
up your ass and see if it fits?

1564
01:09:55,006 --> 01:09:56,671
<i>Scarface!</i>

1565
01:09:56,673 --> 01:09:58,540
- <i>Scarface.</i>
- <i>Scarface?</i>

1566
01:09:58,542 --> 01:09:59,674
Yes!

1567
01:09:59,676 --> 01:10:02,577
That's who I was the whole fucking time!

1568
01:10:02,579 --> 01:10:03,678
Awesome, man.

1569
01:10:03,680 --> 01:10:05,080
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

1570
01:10:05,082 --> 01:10:07,148
You got to want it a little less.

1571
01:10:07,150 --> 01:10:09,885
I can feel my hair growing!

1572
01:10:09,887 --> 01:10:11,586
Alex, come on.

1573
01:10:11,588 --> 01:10:13,688
Do you hear that? It's <i>Tipsy!</i>

1574
01:10:13,690 --> 01:10:15,991
Oh, I love this song! I
got to dance. Here we go.

1575
01:10:15,993 --> 01:10:17,860
- (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- Oh. Oh!

1576
01:10:17,862 --> 01:10:19,160
- (MAURA CHUCKLING)
- Hey, you backing it up!

1577
01:10:19,162 --> 01:10:20,696
This is your theme now.

1578
01:10:20,698 --> 01:10:21,930
Who, me? Or, e'rybody?

1579
01:10:21,932 --> 01:10:23,132
Ah, e'rybody.

1580
01:10:23,134 --> 01:10:25,535
(SINGING) <i>'Cause e'rybody
got got to get tipsy</i>

1581
01:10:25,537 --> 01:10:27,169
- What?
- (BREATHING HEAVILY)

1582
01:10:27,171 --> 01:10:28,236
JAMES: Yeah!

1583
01:10:28,238 --> 01:10:30,673
<i>E'rybody in the club get tipsy</i>

1584
01:10:30,675 --> 01:10:33,543
Not just you. Not just me. E'rybody.

1585
01:10:33,545 --> 01:10:36,778
E'rybody. E'ry day, e'ry hour, e'ry minute.

1586
01:10:36,780 --> 01:10:37,914
Huh! (YELLS)

1587
01:10:37,916 --> 01:10:40,148
- (CRASHES)
- (ALL YELLING)

1588
01:10:40,150 --> 01:10:41,284
- JAMES: Oh, my God!
- (YELLS)

1589
01:10:41,286 --> 01:10:42,852
(ALL LAUGHING)

1590
01:10:42,854 --> 01:10:46,789
Oh, God. Wait, come here. Come here.

1591
01:10:46,791 --> 01:10:48,558
- Here we go.
- My dad's gonna murder me!

1592
01:10:48,560 --> 01:10:51,593
- Shh. Maura, look at me. I can fix this.
- (CREAKING)

1593
01:10:51,595 --> 01:10:54,229
Oh, God. Go. Go, go, go.

1594
01:10:54,231 --> 01:10:55,733
- JAMES: Whoa!
- MAURA: No, no, no!

1595
01:10:56,868 --> 01:10:58,834
JAMES: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1596
01:10:58,836 --> 01:11:01,303
- (MAURA SCREAMS)
- JAMES: No!

1597
01:11:01,305 --> 01:11:03,839
(BOTH MOANING)

1598
01:11:03,841 --> 01:11:05,575
(BOTH SPITTING)

1599
01:11:05,577 --> 01:11:07,912
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

1600
01:11:10,648 --> 01:11:12,417
(SIGHS)

1601
01:11:13,784 --> 01:11:15,951
I'm really

1602
01:11:15,953 --> 01:11:17,285
itchy.

1603
01:11:17,287 --> 01:11:18,853
It went up my nose.

1604
01:11:18,855 --> 01:11:20,255
- It went up my butt. (CHUCKLES)
- (COUGHING)

1605
01:11:20,257 --> 01:11:21,991
Are we gonna die?

1606
01:11:21,993 --> 01:11:24,960
- No, this stuff's safe. This is all from the '70s.
- (LAUGHS)

1607
01:11:24,962 --> 01:11:28,030
Wow! This is fucked up!

1608
01:11:28,032 --> 01:11:30,299
(SCREAMING)

1609
01:11:30,301 --> 01:11:32,804
(LAUGHS)

1610
01:11:34,204 --> 01:11:37,740
I wanna do that foam thing
like we saw at the Fart Mitzvah.

1611
01:11:37,742 --> 01:11:39,075
(HAE-WON'S HOTTIES CHUCKLING)

1612
01:11:39,077 --> 01:11:41,446
(LAUGHING) Ah!

1613
01:11:42,947 --> 01:11:44,679
(LAUGHS)

1614
01:11:44,681 --> 01:11:46,048
Ooh!

1615
01:11:46,050 --> 01:11:49,352
- I need to talk to you outside. Now.
- Oh. Oh.

1616
01:11:49,354 --> 01:11:53,121
Well, let's do this. My
earrings are coming off, bohatch!

1617
01:11:53,123 --> 01:11:55,758
Why? You gonna hit me with
your long-ass earlobes?

1618
01:11:55,760 --> 01:11:57,058
BRINDA: Oh. (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

1619
01:11:57,060 --> 01:12:00,430
I have been waiting a long time for this.

1620
01:12:01,966 --> 01:12:04,099
Hey!

1621
01:12:04,101 --> 01:12:06,001
Hey!

1622
01:12:06,003 --> 01:12:08,273
Let me in!

1623
01:12:11,775 --> 01:12:13,409
This is bullshit!

1624
01:12:13,411 --> 01:12:15,910
(ALL CHEERING)

1625
01:12:15,912 --> 01:12:17,213
(VOCALIZES)

1626
01:12:17,215 --> 01:12:19,648
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

1627
01:12:19,650 --> 01:12:21,282
MAURA: Hey. How's everything going?

1628
01:12:21,284 --> 01:12:23,952
KATE: I'm crushing it.
How's the man-harvest going?

1629
01:12:23,954 --> 01:12:25,388
James is so hot.

1630
01:12:25,390 --> 01:12:28,723
My high school heart cramp
has turned into a heart-on.

1631
01:12:28,725 --> 01:12:31,893
I have a heart-on for him.
I have a raging heart-on.

1632
01:12:31,895 --> 01:12:33,896
- I don't get it. Explain it more.
- I have a...

1633
01:12:33,898 --> 01:12:36,165
- KATE: Who the hell did that?
- MAURA: I did.

1634
01:12:36,167 --> 01:12:38,366
You are so badass!

1635
01:12:38,368 --> 01:12:40,001
(BOTH LAUGHING)

1636
01:12:40,003 --> 01:12:41,670
BOTH: Fuck the Geernts!

1637
01:12:41,672 --> 01:12:42,937
Okay, I'm gonna dive back in. Bye!

1638
01:12:42,939 --> 01:12:44,305
BRINDA: Fucking party.

1639
01:12:44,307 --> 01:12:46,544
(SLOSHING)

1640
01:12:51,282 --> 01:12:53,518
Jackpot.

1641
01:12:58,422 --> 01:13:01,392
(EVIL LAUGHTER)

1642
01:13:10,033 --> 01:13:12,300
Foam party!

1643
01:13:12,302 --> 01:13:14,937
Strip it down, town!

1644
01:13:14,939 --> 01:13:17,906
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh, shit. It's my parents!

1645
01:13:17,908 --> 01:13:21,076
Shut the fuck up! It's her parents!

1646
01:13:21,078 --> 01:13:25,281
Everyone, I'm gonna
sneeze, shut the fuck up!

1647
01:13:25,283 --> 01:13:26,382
(IMITATES SNEEZE)

1648
01:13:26,384 --> 01:13:28,451
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

1649
01:13:28,453 --> 01:13:29,884
(CLEARS THROAT)

1650
01:13:29,886 --> 01:13:30,952
Hello?

1651
01:13:30,954 --> 01:13:34,089
- Hi!
- You're home! We're coming over.

1652
01:13:34,091 --> 01:13:36,125
Oh, no, don't come over.

1653
01:13:36,127 --> 01:13:39,829
We're just in our pj's
watching <i>Risky Business.</i>

1654
01:13:39,831 --> 01:13:45,800
Maura told us the wonderful news
about you and Haley moving to Orlando!

1655
01:13:45,802 --> 01:13:47,402
<i>And you got a job!</i>

1656
01:13:47,404 --> 01:13:49,437
Not hers to tell, but okay.

1657
01:13:49,439 --> 01:13:52,107
<i>Your dad and I got an idea.</i>

1658
01:13:52,109 --> 01:13:54,110
And we're only medium drunk.

1659
01:13:54,112 --> 01:13:55,945
Could you headline news it for me?

1660
01:13:55,947 --> 01:13:57,312
<i>Yes.</i>

1661
01:13:57,314 --> 01:14:02,084
We are gonna give you 50% of the
money from the sale of the house

1662
01:14:02,086 --> 01:14:05,920
<i>and then we're gonna use the
other 50% to pay off the condo.</i>

1663
01:14:05,922 --> 01:14:07,857
And we're leaving Maura the stocks.

1664
01:14:07,859 --> 01:14:10,492
DEANNA: <i>We thought that
you could use the money</i>

1665
01:14:10,494 --> 01:14:13,262
<i>to buy a little house
for you and Haley.</i>

1666
01:14:13,264 --> 01:14:15,296
Would I have to pay the money back?

1667
01:14:15,298 --> 01:14:17,266
Or would it be more of a "wink-wink" loan?

1668
01:14:17,268 --> 01:14:18,334
We're giving it to you.

1669
01:14:18,336 --> 01:14:19,501
<i>For free.</i>

1670
01:14:19,503 --> 01:14:20,803
DEANNA: <i>As a love gift.</i>

1671
01:14:20,805 --> 01:14:24,440
That solves a lot of things.

1672
01:14:24,442 --> 01:14:26,541
Okay, I got to go now. Thanks so much.

1673
01:14:26,543 --> 01:14:27,910
DEANNA: <i>Okle dokle.</i>

1674
01:14:27,912 --> 01:14:30,044
Wash and dry any tea cups you use,

1675
01:14:30,046 --> 01:14:32,147
and we're very happy for you, honey.

1676
01:14:32,149 --> 01:14:33,249
Okay, thanks, bye!

1677
01:14:33,251 --> 01:14:34,950
(CHUCKLES)

1678
01:14:34,952 --> 01:14:37,154
Holy shit.

1679
01:14:39,222 --> 01:14:41,792
(GUESTS CHEERING)

1680
01:14:45,128 --> 01:14:47,129
Holy shit.

1681
01:14:47,131 --> 01:14:49,700
ALL: (CHANTING) Rob, Rob, Rob!

1682
01:14:51,034 --> 01:14:52,101
I'm the bomb!

1683
01:14:52,103 --> 01:14:54,469
I'm the bomb!

1684
01:14:54,471 --> 01:14:57,707
I'm the bomb! I'm the bomb!

1685
01:15:03,247 --> 01:15:04,914
Okay, guys?

1686
01:15:04,916 --> 01:15:07,016
I'm actually gonna need everyone to just

1687
01:15:07,018 --> 01:15:10,755
start cleaning up the area
where they're standing.

1688
01:15:18,496 --> 01:15:20,461
<i>Everybody, gather round, okay?</i>

1689
01:15:20,463 --> 01:15:22,063
<i>I just smoked some 21st century pot.</i>

1690
01:15:22,065 --> 01:15:24,133
(CHEERING)

1691
01:15:24,135 --> 01:15:25,934
- <i>So I need to say my mind.</i>
- Make it quick.

1692
01:15:25,936 --> 01:15:27,836
Release your boobs!

1693
01:15:27,838 --> 01:15:29,571
<i>No, my boobs are sleeping right now.</i>

1694
01:15:29,573 --> 01:15:31,973
Six more weeks of winter!

1695
01:15:31,975 --> 01:15:36,010
<i>I wanna thank my sister, Kate,
for holding down the fort</i>

1696
01:15:36,012 --> 01:15:38,947
<i>and helping me have the
best night of my life.</i>

1697
01:15:38,949 --> 01:15:40,348
- (ALL CHEERING)
- <i>Wrapping it up.</i>

1698
01:15:40,350 --> 01:15:41,916
<i>In the spirit of my sister,</i>

1699
01:15:41,918 --> 01:15:46,321
<i>I encourage all of you to make
your mark on this house tonight.</i>

1700
01:15:46,323 --> 01:15:47,522
<i>No, do not make your mark.</i>

1701
01:15:47,524 --> 01:15:49,058
(ALL CHEERING)

1702
01:15:49,060 --> 01:15:50,159
<i>Where's my handyman?</i>

1703
01:15:50,161 --> 01:15:52,393
<i>Hey. I like that you
know who you are.</i>

1704
01:15:52,395 --> 01:15:54,530
<i>And that you ask for what you want.</i>

1705
01:15:54,532 --> 01:15:56,632
- <i>And I think you're really cute.</i>
- Thank you.

1706
01:15:56,634 --> 01:15:58,968
<i>But, whatever, dude. A lot
of people are cute, so relax.</i>

1707
01:15:58,970 --> 01:16:00,035
Okay. (CHUCKLING)

1708
01:16:00,037 --> 01:16:02,271
MAURA: <i>Anyway, seriously, you guys.</i>

1709
01:16:02,273 --> 01:16:06,040
<i>Remember who you really
are and be that you!</i>

1710
01:16:06,042 --> 01:16:07,308
(CHEERING)

1711
01:16:07,310 --> 01:16:09,044
- <i>Be that what?</i>
- ALL: (CHANTING) You!

1712
01:16:09,046 --> 01:16:10,912
- <i>What that you?</i>
- ALL: (CHANTING) Be!

1713
01:16:10,914 --> 01:16:12,414
<i>Be what you?</i>

1714
01:16:12,416 --> 01:16:13,382
ALL: (HESITANTLY) That!

1715
01:16:13,384 --> 01:16:14,916
MALE GUEST: You!

1716
01:16:14,918 --> 01:16:16,986
(SCREAMING) It's "that,"
it's fucking "be that you!"

1717
01:16:16,988 --> 01:16:18,219
Be that you! Be that you! Be that you!

1718
01:16:18,221 --> 01:16:19,588
DAVE: All right, don't yell at me.

1719
01:16:19,590 --> 01:16:21,223
- I just did it three times!
- Don't yell at me!

1720
01:16:21,225 --> 01:16:22,391
Who's yelling?

1721
01:16:22,393 --> 01:16:23,659
<i>One more time. Be what you?</i>

1722
01:16:23,661 --> 01:16:25,260
ALL: (CHANTING) That!

1723
01:16:25,262 --> 01:16:27,564
You got it! I'm out.

1724
01:16:29,000 --> 01:16:31,567
<i>Thank you. Good
night. We are closed.</i>

1725
01:16:31,569 --> 01:16:34,102
<i>Take the party outside!</i>

1726
01:16:34,104 --> 01:16:36,504
(CHEERING)

1727
01:16:36,506 --> 01:16:37,373
KATE: No, that way.

1728
01:16:37,375 --> 01:16:39,074
Guys, that way!

1729
01:16:39,076 --> 01:16:40,711
(CLATTERING)

1730
01:16:45,416 --> 01:16:46,949
I liked your speech.

1731
01:16:46,951 --> 01:16:48,616
I'm meeting you in the bedroom.

1732
01:16:48,618 --> 01:16:50,686
I'm going in there to fix
the drywall. (CHUCKLES)

1733
01:16:50,688 --> 01:16:54,356
(MUFFLED) Okay. Okay.

1734
01:16:54,358 --> 01:16:56,861
- (CHUCKLES) Excuse me, please.
- (MUFFLED) Excuse me.

1735
01:16:58,628 --> 01:17:01,496
Alex, take your dick out of
the paint, right this minute!

1736
01:17:01,498 --> 01:17:05,034
No! I'm gonna draw suh-in!

1737
01:17:05,036 --> 01:17:07,135
I'm like a little Pablo Dickasso!

1738
01:17:07,137 --> 01:17:09,338
(SLOSHING)

1739
01:17:09,340 --> 01:17:11,139
(GRUNTING) Hey, man. I got you. Shit!

1740
01:17:11,141 --> 01:17:12,473
(LAUGHING)

1741
01:17:12,475 --> 01:17:14,543
(GLASS SHATTERS)

1742
01:17:14,545 --> 01:17:17,646
Yes, my neighbors are having a loud
party, and I'd like to complain.

1743
01:17:17,648 --> 01:17:19,580
I need you to shut it down.

1744
01:17:19,582 --> 01:17:21,116
(POLICE SIREN BLARING)

1745
01:17:21,118 --> 01:17:22,217
KATE: Oh, man.

1746
01:17:22,219 --> 01:17:25,120
Who called the cops?

1747
01:17:25,122 --> 01:17:27,289
Having a pretty big party, huh?

1748
01:17:27,291 --> 01:17:29,525
Oh, is 500 people too much?

1749
01:17:29,527 --> 01:17:31,360
MAURA: PoPo! PoPo!

1750
01:17:31,362 --> 01:17:33,528
Oh, somebody call a stripper?

1751
01:17:33,530 --> 01:17:36,231
You gonna take your clothes off
for us? You can't come in here.

1752
01:17:36,233 --> 01:17:38,366
- Without the judge signing the thing.
- I got this.

1753
01:17:38,368 --> 01:17:39,701
This is where I live.

1754
01:17:39,703 --> 01:17:41,070
- This is our house.
- Yep.

1755
01:17:41,072 --> 01:17:43,171
This where we live, okay?

1756
01:17:43,173 --> 01:17:45,406
And this is our property
for the next 24 hours.

1757
01:17:45,408 --> 01:17:47,675
A lot of sex is gonna
happen. A lot of sexy times.

1758
01:17:47,677 --> 01:17:49,378
You can't stop that.

1759
01:17:49,380 --> 01:17:51,347
Last time I checked, sex
wasn't against the law,

1760
01:17:51,349 --> 01:17:53,415
as much as you would
love that, wouldn't you?

1761
01:17:53,417 --> 01:17:55,084
- Maura, please behave.
- Why don't you step off, blue?

1762
01:17:55,086 --> 01:17:57,285
Don't you know I'm <i>loco?</i> Shit!

1763
01:17:57,287 --> 01:17:58,553
KATE: Now we know that.

1764
01:17:58,555 --> 01:17:59,488
MAURA: Officer Donuts.

1765
01:17:59,490 --> 01:18:01,389
Why don't you go back into your squad car

1766
01:18:01,391 --> 01:18:03,058
and go save a kitten from a tree,

1767
01:18:03,060 --> 01:18:05,126
because these pussies are doing fine.

1768
01:18:05,128 --> 01:18:07,463
So, wrap your mind
around that, Cap'n Crunch.

1769
01:18:07,465 --> 01:18:09,130
Capeach?

1770
01:18:09,132 --> 01:18:11,165
I know something about you.
You're a nice person, right?

1771
01:18:11,167 --> 01:18:15,403
And you look like a Ken doll, hopefully
with the genitals. Fingers crossed.

1772
01:18:15,405 --> 01:18:18,374
You've picked a very great
profession. And I salute you.

1773
01:18:18,376 --> 01:18:20,241
But you know what? This
is how I'll salute you.

1774
01:18:20,243 --> 01:18:22,378
Like this. I'm sorry.

1775
01:18:22,380 --> 01:18:23,544
KATE: Wait, that didn't
happen, nobody saw that.

1776
01:18:23,546 --> 01:18:25,046
MAURA: I got this.

1777
01:18:25,048 --> 01:18:26,447
- What are you writing down?
- Nothing. It's my pad.

1778
01:18:26,449 --> 01:18:27,648
MAURA: Here, I have something
you should write down.

1779
01:18:27,650 --> 01:18:30,352
E-A-T.

1780
01:18:30,354 --> 01:18:31,687
S-H-I-T.

1781
01:18:31,689 --> 01:18:35,758
Okay, my sister is clearly riding
the ditch at this late hour.

1782
01:18:35,760 --> 01:18:37,291
Can you shut this shit down?

1783
01:18:37,293 --> 01:18:38,693
(STAMMERS) Was that Maura Ellis?

1784
01:18:38,695 --> 01:18:39,762
Yeah.

1785
01:18:39,764 --> 01:18:41,229
(CHUCKLES)

1786
01:18:41,231 --> 01:18:43,031
She went to the sophomore formal

1787
01:18:43,033 --> 01:18:44,366
with my cousin who has spina bifida.

1788
01:18:44,368 --> 01:18:46,335
Of course she did!

1789
01:18:46,337 --> 01:18:49,303
She is a lovely person.
He still talks about it.

1790
01:18:49,305 --> 01:18:52,206
- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) You know what?

1791
01:18:52,208 --> 01:18:53,541
You guys enjoy your party.

1792
01:18:53,543 --> 01:18:55,277
No. No, no.

1793
01:18:55,279 --> 01:18:56,344
No. No! Wait!

1794
01:18:56,346 --> 01:19:00,281
There's a drunk, blind
guy swinging a gun around!

1795
01:19:00,283 --> 01:19:01,650
(CHUCKLES) No way. Enjoy!

1796
01:19:01,652 --> 01:19:04,121
Fuck! (SIGHS)

1797
01:19:09,527 --> 01:19:10,592
MAURA: Hey.

1798
01:19:10,594 --> 01:19:12,193
How's it going in here?

1799
01:19:12,195 --> 01:19:13,695
Good, I think.

1800
01:19:13,697 --> 01:19:15,531
Yeah, I think you're all set.

1801
01:19:15,533 --> 01:19:17,833
I'm gonna have to come back
tomorrow and finish this,

1802
01:19:17,835 --> 01:19:22,236
because I am drunk and stoned.

1803
01:19:22,238 --> 01:19:23,805
- Well, I'm totally sober, so.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

1804
01:19:23,807 --> 01:19:25,273
I did a really bad job.

1805
01:19:25,275 --> 01:19:27,742
You're very tall. How tall are you?

1806
01:19:27,744 --> 01:19:31,780
About 6'3". With the ladder, about 7'6".

1807
01:19:31,782 --> 01:19:34,249
- (CHUCKLES)
- So, I'm just gonna...

1808
01:19:34,251 --> 01:19:37,218
Thanks so much for cleaning this all up.

1809
01:19:37,220 --> 01:19:38,788
Oh, yeah.

1810
01:19:40,224 --> 01:19:43,424
Do you wanna keep working off the clock?

1811
01:19:43,426 --> 01:19:45,494
- Yeah.
- Because my bed is broken.

1812
01:19:45,496 --> 01:19:46,594
Do you want me to fix it?

1813
01:19:46,596 --> 01:19:48,131
Yeah. Lock the door.

1814
01:19:49,733 --> 01:19:53,302
People, I'm in charge
here, and I say it's over.

1815
01:19:53,304 --> 01:19:56,537
Okay? We had a great
time. Let's wrap it up.

1816
01:19:56,539 --> 01:19:58,540
ALL: (IN UNISON) No!

1817
01:19:58,542 --> 01:20:01,445
Why? What?

1818
01:20:03,713 --> 01:20:05,481
This is such a brilliant idea!

1819
01:20:05,483 --> 01:20:06,984
Free slicking.

1820
01:20:08,752 --> 01:20:12,056
I wish we had some lubricant.

1821
01:20:13,490 --> 01:20:14,755
What perfume is on you?

1822
01:20:14,757 --> 01:20:16,124
- You like that?
- Yeah, I do.

1823
01:20:16,126 --> 01:20:20,762
It's Risky by Jennifer Love Hewitt.
You can only get it at Kohl's.

1824
01:20:20,764 --> 01:20:24,266
I'm wearing Erection by Calvin Klein.

1825
01:20:24,268 --> 01:20:28,538
I cannot!

1826
01:20:30,373 --> 01:20:34,276
What did I ever do to you
to make you abhor me so?

1827
01:20:34,278 --> 01:20:35,777
Are you seriously asking?

1828
01:20:35,779 --> 01:20:37,211
You probably don't remember.

1829
01:20:37,213 --> 01:20:38,379
Oh, I remember.

1830
01:20:38,381 --> 01:20:41,549
We were about to have the
best Ellis Island party ever

1831
01:20:41,551 --> 01:20:44,419
because my cousin met John Stamos
at Disney and he was coming.

1832
01:20:44,421 --> 01:20:47,289
But you narced to your cop dad.

1833
01:20:47,291 --> 01:20:49,191
I narced because he made me!

1834
01:20:49,193 --> 01:20:51,226
How? How did he even know?

1835
01:20:51,228 --> 01:20:54,495
Because when I found out that
I wasn't invited to your party

1836
01:20:54,497 --> 01:20:58,767
it hurt me so very deep,
that I threw up really hard.

1837
01:20:58,769 --> 01:21:01,337
Why didn't you invite me?

1838
01:21:03,173 --> 01:21:05,540
(SQUEALS) Why?

1839
01:21:05,542 --> 01:21:07,808
I was kind and clean!

1840
01:21:07,810 --> 01:21:09,343
And I got mostly B's!

1841
01:21:09,345 --> 01:21:10,611
I know, I cheated off you.

1842
01:21:10,613 --> 01:21:13,482
And then you decided that I was a "no."

1843
01:21:13,484 --> 01:21:16,585
And then everybody
decided that I was a "no"!

1844
01:21:16,587 --> 01:21:19,955
And then guess who
decided that I was a "no"?

1845
01:21:19,957 --> 01:21:21,522
<i>The Bachelor?</i>

1846
01:21:21,524 --> 01:21:23,592
Me.

1847
01:21:23,594 --> 01:21:29,531
So, I have decided that
tonight I deserve to be here.

1848
01:21:29,533 --> 01:21:33,268
Tonight, I am a "yes."

1849
01:21:33,270 --> 01:21:35,937
I am a "hell yes"!

1850
01:21:35,939 --> 01:21:38,639
I am a "yeah."

1851
01:21:38,641 --> 01:21:40,709
I am a "hell yeah."

1852
01:21:40,711 --> 01:21:42,777
I am a "fuck to the yeah"!

1853
01:21:42,779 --> 01:21:46,548
- Wordsmith.
- I am a "yippie-ki-yay yes"!

1854
01:21:46,550 --> 01:21:47,950
And you know what the saddest part is?

1855
01:21:47,952 --> 01:21:49,284
Your vagina?

1856
01:21:49,286 --> 01:21:50,384
No.

1857
01:21:50,386 --> 01:21:52,787
The saddest part

1858
01:21:52,789 --> 01:21:55,691
is that you and I used to
have a blast in grade school.

1859
01:21:55,693 --> 01:21:58,259
And we would probably still be friends

1860
01:21:58,261 --> 01:22:01,330
if you weren't such a selfish hothead.

1861
01:22:01,332 --> 01:22:05,701
I am not a selfish hothead!

1862
01:22:05,703 --> 01:22:07,535
- Put that phone down! Give me that.
- No!

1863
01:22:07,537 --> 01:22:08,769
Give me that phone! Give me that!

1864
01:22:08,771 --> 01:22:10,339
No! Don't touch my phone.

1865
01:22:10,341 --> 01:22:12,476
(YELLING) Maura! Maura!

1866
01:22:13,777 --> 01:22:15,645
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

1867
01:22:17,280 --> 01:22:18,879
Hi, honey.

1868
01:22:18,881 --> 01:22:20,749
HALEY: <i>Hi, Mom, I'm here.</i>

1869
01:22:20,751 --> 01:22:22,284
I'm at Gram and Gramps'.

1870
01:22:22,286 --> 01:22:25,254
- You're here? In Orlando?
- Yeah.

1871
01:22:25,256 --> 01:22:27,589
Oh, great. Okay.

1872
01:22:27,591 --> 01:22:29,758
<i>They told me that they're
gonna help us get a house.</i>

1873
01:22:29,760 --> 01:22:31,927
Do you want me to come down
there and we can talk about it?

1874
01:22:31,929 --> 01:22:35,597
Uh, we're all pretty wiped from packing.

1875
01:22:35,599 --> 01:22:36,999
You know, I would say maybe
just get some rest and...

1876
01:22:37,001 --> 01:22:39,268
So come over in the morning.

1877
01:22:39,270 --> 01:22:41,769
<i>Wait. You want me to come
there in the morning?</i>

1878
01:22:41,771 --> 01:22:43,738
You have been begging me for
weeks to tell you where I am,

1879
01:22:43,740 --> 01:22:45,440
and now that I'm here
you're gonna blow me off?

1880
01:22:45,442 --> 01:22:46,942
<i>No, I'm not blowing you off!</i>

1881
01:22:46,944 --> 01:22:49,378
I'm so excited! We're getting a house,
and you're gonna have your own room.

1882
01:22:49,380 --> 01:22:51,545
I got a baloney dick!

1883
01:22:51,547 --> 01:22:54,982
- Who has a baloney dick?
- Nobody.

1884
01:22:54,984 --> 01:22:57,585
HALEY: Are you at a party right now?

1885
01:22:57,587 --> 01:23:00,321
Earlier. We had a packing cookout.

1886
01:23:00,323 --> 01:23:03,025
Cookout with your cock out.

1887
01:23:03,027 --> 01:23:04,326
(WHISPERS) I'm on the phone!

1888
01:23:04,328 --> 01:23:06,394
You say that you want a fresh start

1889
01:23:06,396 --> 01:23:09,031
and everyone is trying to help us out,

1890
01:23:09,033 --> 01:23:11,500
<i>and this is how you thank them?</i>

1891
01:23:11,502 --> 01:23:13,902
- It's not what you think.
- No, it's exactly what I think.

1892
01:23:13,904 --> 01:23:16,071
I start trusting you again
and then you turn around

1893
01:23:16,073 --> 01:23:18,874
and you start acting like one of the
<i>Real Housewives of Orange County.</i>

1894
01:23:18,876 --> 01:23:21,543
Can you just give me a
chance to make it right?

1895
01:23:21,545 --> 01:23:24,314
No! I don't wanna live with
my loser mom who parties.

1896
01:23:25,615 --> 01:23:29,418
You know what? Tonight, I'm actually
the only person who's not partying.

1897
01:23:29,420 --> 01:23:31,585
Yeah, right.

1898
01:23:31,587 --> 01:23:33,089
(RETCHES)

1899
01:23:37,594 --> 01:23:40,064
Fuck it.

1900
01:23:43,466 --> 01:23:46,169
ALL: <i>Kate! Kate! Kate!</i>

1901
01:23:48,805 --> 01:23:50,974
(ALL CHEERING)

1902
01:23:52,876 --> 01:23:55,179
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

1903
01:24:11,627 --> 01:24:14,696
Hey. Lollapazuzu, I'm partying now.

1904
01:24:14,698 --> 01:24:15,763
You ready for me?

1905
01:24:15,765 --> 01:24:17,499
I've been ready.

1906
01:24:17,501 --> 01:24:19,735
My safe word is "Keep going."

1907
01:24:19,737 --> 01:24:22,339
- I don't need one.
- You will.

1908
01:24:23,907 --> 01:24:25,107
I don't have insurance.

1909
01:24:25,109 --> 01:24:27,111
(ALL CHEERING)

1910
01:24:41,692 --> 01:24:43,693
(ALL CHEERING)

1911
01:24:51,100 --> 01:24:53,303
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

1912
01:24:58,609 --> 01:25:01,643
You have such a good, solid, man face.

1913
01:25:01,645 --> 01:25:03,512
- I'm gonna do stuff to you right now.
- You are?

1914
01:25:03,514 --> 01:25:04,612
- Yes.
- Okay.

1915
01:25:04,614 --> 01:25:05,746
Put your pants off. I'm sorry.

1916
01:25:05,748 --> 01:25:07,449
I meant to say that a little smoother

1917
01:25:07,451 --> 01:25:09,017
but I'm very, very drunk,
plus stoned. Let's go.

1918
01:25:09,019 --> 01:25:11,085
Just open up your parts.
Put your pants off.

1919
01:25:11,087 --> 01:25:12,754
No, no, no. I'm putting them off right now.

1920
01:25:12,756 --> 01:25:14,121
- Yep, here we go.
- Yeah!

1921
01:25:14,123 --> 01:25:16,657
(SCREAMING)

1922
01:25:16,659 --> 01:25:19,628
(ALL CHEERING)

1923
01:25:19,630 --> 01:25:20,795
You have kids?

1924
01:25:20,797 --> 01:25:24,866
Two girls in Korea. Oh, I miss them bad.

1925
01:25:24,868 --> 01:25:26,601
So far.

1926
01:25:26,603 --> 01:25:30,571
I put their hairs in my bra.

1927
01:25:30,573 --> 01:25:34,976
I miss how my daughter
smells when she has wet hair.

1928
01:25:34,978 --> 01:25:37,879
- She die?
- No.

1929
01:25:37,881 --> 01:25:41,049
I haven't been able to
find her, like, all summer.

1930
01:25:41,051 --> 01:25:43,687
That is fucked up.

1931
01:25:48,926 --> 01:25:51,095
(SNIFFS)

1932
01:25:52,962 --> 01:25:54,665
You wanna hug?

1933
01:25:57,467 --> 01:25:59,601
Yeah, give this messy bitch a hug.

1934
01:25:59,603 --> 01:26:01,937
Katie, what's the matter, baby?

1935
01:26:01,939 --> 01:26:05,173
Aw, look at you. Don't
cry. It's gonna make me cry.

1936
01:26:05,175 --> 01:26:08,210
People are really working
their shit out at this thing.

1937
01:26:08,212 --> 01:26:10,946
This is like Korean drama.

1938
01:26:10,948 --> 01:26:13,283
Heads up! Whoo!

1939
01:26:29,265 --> 01:26:31,599
You're out of booze.

1940
01:26:31,601 --> 01:26:34,535
(SIGHS) I'm on it.

1941
01:26:34,537 --> 01:26:36,705
Party mom to the rescue.

1942
01:26:36,707 --> 01:26:38,240
Okay, we're gonna get
started in one second.

1943
01:26:38,242 --> 01:26:40,075
- Okay.
- (LAUGHS)

1944
01:26:40,077 --> 01:26:41,809
Hello.

1945
01:26:41,811 --> 01:26:43,978
- (LAUGHING)
- Hey, you're number one.

1946
01:26:43,980 --> 01:26:45,613
Okay, let's take it up a notch.

1947
01:26:45,615 --> 01:26:48,683
- Okay, you know what time it is?
- No.

1948
01:26:48,685 --> 01:26:52,219
- It's candle play time.
- Uh-oh! (LAUGHS)

1949
01:26:52,221 --> 01:26:55,690
I should warn you that this did not go well

1950
01:26:55,692 --> 01:26:58,692
when I was having sex with
Frankenstein. (LAUGHING)

1951
01:26:58,694 --> 01:26:59,760
Fire bad.

1952
01:26:59,762 --> 01:27:01,028
- Oh. Ah.
- Yeah, I'm ready.

1953
01:27:01,030 --> 01:27:02,531
Oh! (LAUGHING)

1954
01:27:02,533 --> 01:27:05,299
I didn't think... That's wild. That's wild.

1955
01:27:05,301 --> 01:27:07,669
Oh, God. I didn't think I was
gonna like it, but I like it.

1956
01:27:07,671 --> 01:27:08,903
How does this sucker not stay lit?

1957
01:27:08,905 --> 01:27:11,171
Okay. Hold the sex phone.

1958
01:27:11,173 --> 01:27:13,008
All right. Just getting into it.

1959
01:27:13,010 --> 01:27:14,742
Oh, look who we have here.

1960
01:27:14,744 --> 01:27:16,544
- Garfield!
- (LAUGHS)

1961
01:27:16,546 --> 01:27:17,879
- Garfield always comes through.
- Yeah, he's...

1962
01:27:17,881 --> 01:27:20,949
- He's gonna help us out. (SCREAMING)
- Oh, God!

1963
01:27:20,951 --> 01:27:22,717
Oh, God!

1964
01:27:22,719 --> 01:27:23,951
Shit. Fuck!

1965
01:27:23,953 --> 01:27:26,321
Oh! No! Shit!

1966
01:27:26,323 --> 01:27:27,923
(GASPS)

1967
01:27:27,925 --> 01:27:29,324
(SCREAMS)

1968
01:27:29,326 --> 01:27:30,959
My God!

1969
01:27:30,961 --> 01:27:33,263
(SCREAMING)

1970
01:27:34,664 --> 01:27:36,063
Oh, fuck!

1971
01:27:36,065 --> 01:27:37,866
- Did you fall on something sharp?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

1972
01:27:37,868 --> 01:27:41,736
Okay, did it go up inside
of you by way of your rectum?

1973
01:27:41,738 --> 01:27:43,170
Yeah, I think so.

1974
01:27:43,172 --> 01:27:48,175
It feels like a small trophy
or... (GRUNTS) A collectible.

1975
01:27:48,177 --> 01:27:51,245
James, I am a nurse. Okay?

1976
01:27:51,247 --> 01:27:53,714
I can get whatever is up there out.

1977
01:27:53,716 --> 01:27:55,884
No, I don't want you to look.

1978
01:27:55,886 --> 01:27:59,053
It's not Maura, the woman that
you were kissing who's gonna look.

1979
01:27:59,055 --> 01:28:00,955
- It's a nurse who just got here.
- Okay.

1980
01:28:00,957 --> 01:28:03,692
Hello, sir. Nice to meet
you for the first time.

1981
01:28:03,694 --> 01:28:05,660
- (SCREAMING)
- Okay. All right. Okay.

1982
01:28:05,662 --> 01:28:08,597
I'm just gonna roll you over
so I can examine your rectum.

1983
01:28:08,599 --> 01:28:10,999
Okay. Stop. Stop saying rectum.

1984
01:28:11,001 --> 01:28:13,668
- I'm gonna get it out, whatever it is.
- Mmm-hmm. Okay.

1985
01:28:13,670 --> 01:28:15,870
- So I'm just gonna twist it, and pull it out slowly.
- Mmm-hmm.

1986
01:28:15,872 --> 01:28:17,339
Just breathe.

1987
01:28:17,341 --> 01:28:18,807
(WINDING)

1988
01:28:18,809 --> 01:28:21,977
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

1989
01:28:21,979 --> 01:28:24,646
It's a music box.

1990
01:28:24,648 --> 01:28:26,281
Yep.

1991
01:28:26,283 --> 01:28:29,284
- It's my ballerina music box.
- Mmm-hmm.

1992
01:28:29,286 --> 01:28:32,653
And she's in high-fifth position,
which is why she went in so easily.

1993
01:28:32,655 --> 01:28:34,222
Okay.

1994
01:28:34,224 --> 01:28:37,828
Is it past the tutu?

1995
01:28:39,395 --> 01:28:40,762
- Yeah.
- Mmm.

1996
01:28:40,764 --> 01:28:42,830
That's why it's catching.

1997
01:28:42,832 --> 01:28:45,099
So, okay, James, I'm
gonna try something here.

1998
01:28:45,101 --> 01:28:46,768
- No. Nah, I'm good.
- It's okay.

1999
01:28:46,770 --> 01:28:48,102
I know, I know. Just give me a second.

2000
01:28:48,104 --> 01:28:49,138
- Okay, hold on!
- (SCREAMS)

2001
01:28:49,140 --> 01:28:52,374
That's turning inside
me! Just let it wind down.

2002
01:28:52,376 --> 01:28:54,810
- (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
- (EXHALES)

2003
01:29:04,421 --> 01:29:06,153
I think it's almost done.

2004
01:29:06,155 --> 01:29:10,424
It's Swiss-made, so it may take a while.

2005
01:29:10,426 --> 01:29:12,960
How long is this fucking song?

2006
01:29:12,962 --> 01:29:15,196
It really is a beautiful melody.

2007
01:29:15,198 --> 01:29:18,400
Beethoven. What a... What a genius.

2008
01:29:18,402 --> 01:29:21,102
Mmm-hmm.

2009
01:29:21,104 --> 01:29:24,004
And we're do... Nope.

2010
01:29:24,006 --> 01:29:25,773
- It went around again.
- Yeah.

2011
01:29:25,775 --> 01:29:27,709
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna hop up.

2012
01:29:27,711 --> 01:29:30,044
- Okay. You got it?
- Yeah, I got it. Yeah, no, no.

2013
01:29:30,046 --> 01:29:32,213
- It didn't happen. It never happened.
- (SCREAMING)

2014
01:29:32,215 --> 01:29:33,882
James, seriously.

2015
01:29:33,884 --> 01:29:36,250
Be gentle. Be very, very careful.

2016
01:29:36,252 --> 01:29:38,919
- I'm gonna borrow this.
- Let's not make this the headline of the night.

2017
01:29:38,921 --> 01:29:40,222
We are gonna laugh about this someday.

2018
01:29:40,224 --> 01:29:43,258
You know, that is not the worst
rectal accident I've ever seen.

2019
01:29:43,260 --> 01:29:44,793
Thanks for that.

2020
01:29:44,795 --> 01:29:47,128
Thanks for cleaning up
the fucking gel, Kate!

2021
01:29:47,130 --> 01:29:49,063
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

2022
01:29:49,065 --> 01:29:50,732
Holy shit.

2023
01:29:50,734 --> 01:29:53,300
- Help me wash it off.
- Yeah?

2024
01:29:53,302 --> 01:29:55,269
Kate?

2025
01:29:55,271 --> 01:29:56,405
Has anyone seen my sister?

2026
01:29:56,407 --> 01:29:59,074
She's sober and she needs
to drive us to the hospital.

2027
01:29:59,076 --> 01:30:01,910
(ROARS) I think I got the gangrene.

2028
01:30:01,912 --> 01:30:04,178
I might have fucked a copy machine!

2029
01:30:04,180 --> 01:30:05,379
Good Lord.

2030
01:30:05,381 --> 01:30:06,748
Are you okay?

2031
01:30:06,750 --> 01:30:09,553
I swallowed my wedding ring!

2032
01:30:11,887 --> 01:30:13,153
Where's my purse?

2033
01:30:13,155 --> 01:30:14,757
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

2034
01:30:18,228 --> 01:30:20,029
Hmm?

2035
01:30:23,432 --> 01:30:27,902
HALEY: <i>Hey, Aunt Maura. I just landed
in Orlando! Thanks for our conversation.</i>

2036
01:30:27,904 --> 01:30:30,938
<i>I'm glad you talked me into
coming down. I do trust you.</i>

2037
01:30:30,940 --> 01:30:32,507
<i>I set the alarm at your condo,</i>

2038
01:30:32,509 --> 01:30:35,442
<i>and I gave my keys to your
pet-sitter, like you told me.</i>

2039
01:30:35,444 --> 01:30:39,582
<i>And I sent you a picture of me
and Polenta. She misses you.</i>

2040
01:30:44,220 --> 01:30:46,053
Oh, hell no.

2041
01:30:46,055 --> 01:30:48,388
Where is my purse? Have
you seen it anywhere?

2042
01:30:48,390 --> 01:30:50,424
It was just here.

2043
01:30:50,426 --> 01:30:51,995
- (HISSES)
- (SCREAMS)

2044
01:30:53,430 --> 01:30:54,795
Oh, shit.

2045
01:30:54,797 --> 01:30:56,865
More stevia!

2046
01:30:56,867 --> 01:30:59,366
Cloud Nine didn't have this glitch in it.

2047
01:30:59,368 --> 01:31:02,169
Hey! Calm down.

2048
01:31:02,171 --> 01:31:03,804
Oh, steamroller!

2049
01:31:03,806 --> 01:31:06,307
Steamroller!

2050
01:31:06,309 --> 01:31:08,143
Santa, help me!

2051
01:31:08,145 --> 01:31:10,447
(SHOUTING)

2052
01:31:15,318 --> 01:31:17,018
(GRUNTING)

2053
01:31:17,020 --> 01:31:19,019
Okay, good night.

2054
01:31:19,021 --> 01:31:20,523
Good night, sweet prince.

2055
01:31:25,996 --> 01:31:28,263
James!

2056
01:31:28,265 --> 01:31:29,966
James.

2057
01:31:31,033 --> 01:31:32,800
James, let me get you to a hospital.

2058
01:31:32,802 --> 01:31:34,102
- No, I'm all right.
- The thing is...

2059
01:31:34,104 --> 01:31:36,103
Maura, thank you for your help,
but I know what's best for me.

2060
01:31:36,105 --> 01:31:37,504
And right now...

2061
01:31:37,506 --> 01:31:40,474
I think I need to be alone with my asshole.

2062
01:31:40,476 --> 01:31:43,343
- Okay.
- Good night, Maura.

2063
01:31:43,345 --> 01:31:46,446
ALEX: I need more stevia!

2064
01:31:46,448 --> 01:31:47,816
Where's Kate?

2065
01:31:47,818 --> 01:31:49,817
Oh, she went to go get booze.

2066
01:31:49,819 --> 01:31:50,986
She was pretty drunk.

2067
01:31:50,988 --> 01:31:54,558
- ALEX: Say hello to my little friend!
- Of course she was.

2068
01:31:56,525 --> 01:32:00,428
(LAUGHS) Let's get this party started!

2069
01:32:00,430 --> 01:32:02,129
HAE-WON: He's on Cloud 10!

2070
01:32:02,131 --> 01:32:04,264
(GROANS)

2071
01:32:04,266 --> 01:32:05,933
I'm Alex.

2072
01:32:05,935 --> 01:32:08,468
We are going to dance floor
to dance out the rat poison.

2073
01:32:08,470 --> 01:32:10,539
What the fuck?

2074
01:32:14,511 --> 01:32:17,044
Hey. I'm sorry. Hold on one
second. Hold on one second.

2075
01:32:17,046 --> 01:32:18,478
- Mom?
- Oh, my God!

2076
01:32:18,480 --> 01:32:19,546
Yeah, I'll be right there.

2077
01:32:19,548 --> 01:32:20,615
I'm kidding!

2078
01:32:20,617 --> 01:32:23,317
(ALL LAUGHING)

2079
01:32:23,319 --> 01:32:27,690
But thanks for finally laughing,
you fucking assholes! (LAUGHS)

2080
01:32:32,429 --> 01:32:34,329
Oh, I'm gonna kill her!

2081
01:32:34,331 --> 01:32:38,100
Where's my sister?

2082
01:32:39,935 --> 01:32:41,001
Kate!

2083
01:32:41,003 --> 01:32:42,202
Girl fight!

2084
01:32:42,204 --> 01:32:43,303
Maura!

2085
01:32:43,305 --> 01:32:44,638
- Kate!
- Maura!

2086
01:32:44,640 --> 01:32:46,040
Girl fight!

2087
01:32:46,042 --> 01:32:47,577
Where's my sister?

2088
01:32:48,944 --> 01:32:50,746
KELLY: Girl fight!

2089
01:33:01,091 --> 01:33:02,589
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

2090
01:33:02,591 --> 01:33:04,294
Go, go, go!

2091
01:33:09,632 --> 01:33:11,535
(SCREAMS)

2092
01:33:15,337 --> 01:33:17,540
(ALL CHEERING)

2093
01:33:20,443 --> 01:33:22,277
We did it, you guys.

2094
01:33:22,279 --> 01:33:25,446
We stopped time!

2095
01:33:25,448 --> 01:33:27,248
(ALL CHEERING)

2096
01:33:27,250 --> 01:33:29,983
It's snowing!

2097
01:33:29,985 --> 01:33:32,288
Yes! Yes!

2098
01:33:37,092 --> 01:33:38,692
DAVE: Oh, my God. You guys.

2099
01:33:38,694 --> 01:33:41,461
Sinkhole!

2100
01:33:41,463 --> 01:33:43,700
(ALL SCREAMING)

2101
01:33:50,673 --> 01:33:52,540
- MALE GUEST: Oh, shit!
- (GASPS)

2102
01:33:52,542 --> 01:33:53,708
Look at this!

2103
01:33:53,710 --> 01:33:55,242
Oh, my God.

2104
01:33:55,244 --> 01:33:56,576
Oh, my God!

2105
01:33:56,578 --> 01:33:58,012
Oh, my God!

2106
01:33:58,014 --> 01:33:59,981
There's a sinkhole. There's a sinkhole.

2107
01:33:59,983 --> 01:34:01,316
Look at this.

2108
01:34:01,318 --> 01:34:03,050
You told me you were
gonna take care of things

2109
01:34:03,052 --> 01:34:04,585
and you let everything go to shit.

2110
01:34:04,587 --> 01:34:05,820
Where did you go?

2111
01:34:05,822 --> 01:34:08,455
You were supposed to stay sober.
I was supposed to get laid!

2112
01:34:08,457 --> 01:34:10,325
Where's my daughter, Maura?

2113
01:34:10,327 --> 01:34:13,227
Do you know?

2114
01:34:13,229 --> 01:34:14,428
No.

2115
01:34:14,430 --> 01:34:16,732
Look me in the eyes.

2116
01:34:18,969 --> 01:34:21,001
I don't know where she is.

2117
01:34:21,003 --> 01:34:23,638
You've always been a fucking terrible liar.

2118
01:34:23,640 --> 01:34:25,973
Where is my daughter, Maura?

2119
01:34:25,975 --> 01:34:27,575
She has been staying with me in Atlanta.

2120
01:34:27,577 --> 01:34:29,576
Since when?

2121
01:34:29,578 --> 01:34:31,745
June.

2122
01:34:31,747 --> 01:34:34,248
June.

2123
01:34:34,250 --> 01:34:37,617
You watched me worry
about her like an idiot,

2124
01:34:37,619 --> 01:34:41,222
fucking texting her every day, and
freaking out about her every day.

2125
01:34:41,224 --> 01:34:43,191
And she was living with you the whole time?

2126
01:34:43,193 --> 01:34:44,726
Okay, but the thing is,
she didn't want you to know.

2127
01:34:44,728 --> 01:34:47,562
You're my sister! You should
have told me she was safe!

2128
01:34:47,564 --> 01:34:51,366
She is. She was! The
thing is, Haley needs...

2129
01:34:51,368 --> 01:34:54,302
Don't tell me what my daughter needs, okay?

2130
01:34:54,304 --> 01:34:57,071
Why don't you go breastfeed a squirrel?

2131
01:34:57,073 --> 01:34:58,171
Oh.

2132
01:34:58,173 --> 01:34:59,240
MALE GUEST 2: Oh, shit!

2133
01:34:59,242 --> 01:35:00,540
(ALL GASPING)

2134
01:35:00,542 --> 01:35:02,745
(GRUNTING)

2135
01:35:04,680 --> 01:35:08,050
This reminds me of that movie
we watched on our anniversary.

2136
01:35:09,319 --> 01:35:11,486
Ow! Ow!

2137
01:35:11,488 --> 01:35:12,652
My hip, my hip!

2138
01:35:12,654 --> 01:35:13,687
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

2139
01:35:13,689 --> 01:35:15,188
- Can you move it?
- Yeah.

2140
01:35:15,190 --> 01:35:17,458
Good, because I'm gonna kill you!

2141
01:35:17,460 --> 01:35:19,760
I really hope Maura cracks her in half.

2142
01:35:19,762 --> 01:35:21,528
- Come on, Maura!
- (HAWKING)

2143
01:35:21,530 --> 01:35:22,729
Don't you spit on me.

2144
01:35:22,731 --> 01:35:24,232
- Why are you hitting yourself?
- Not cool!

2145
01:35:24,234 --> 01:35:29,736
Wait a second. I'm posting this shit
straight on PoolsideBitchFights.com.

2146
01:35:29,738 --> 01:35:31,104
BRINDA: Kick her in the tits!

2147
01:35:31,106 --> 01:35:34,241
KATE: Haley is my kid, not yours!

2148
01:35:34,243 --> 01:35:35,410
God damn it!

2149
01:35:35,412 --> 01:35:37,044
What have you done to our house?

2150
01:35:37,046 --> 01:35:39,580
Stop that mud wrestling now!

2151
01:35:39,582 --> 01:35:41,182
HALEY: Mom, leave Aunt Maura alone.

2152
01:35:41,184 --> 01:35:42,549
I was doing just fine living with her.

2153
01:35:42,551 --> 01:35:43,750
I mean, ask Gram and Gramps.

2154
01:35:43,752 --> 01:35:46,521
You guys knew all along that
she was living with Maura?

2155
01:35:46,523 --> 01:35:48,822
You lying mofos!

2156
01:35:48,824 --> 01:35:50,424
I'm gonna kill you.

2157
01:35:50,426 --> 01:35:52,692
Stop it. Stop it! We are fed up.

2158
01:35:52,694 --> 01:35:54,594
We have no energy for this goddamn shit.

2159
01:35:54,596 --> 01:35:56,597
- Smell that armpit.
- DEANNA: Stop!

2160
01:35:56,599 --> 01:35:58,665
Our whole house looks like
Pompeii, and you two are wrestling?

2161
01:35:58,667 --> 01:36:00,268
I'll tell you what.

2162
01:36:00,270 --> 01:36:03,170
Since we're all finally
telling the goddamn truth,

2163
01:36:03,172 --> 01:36:04,571
here's our truth.

2164
01:36:04,573 --> 01:36:07,442
And we mean this from
the bottom of our hearts.

2165
01:36:07,444 --> 01:36:11,111
We are so tired of the both of you.

2166
01:36:11,113 --> 01:36:14,147
We're so tired. We really are.

2167
01:36:14,149 --> 01:36:15,750
You know, everybody always said to us...

2168
01:36:15,752 --> 01:36:19,853
"Enjoy your kids while they're
young because it goes so fast."

2169
01:36:19,855 --> 01:36:22,389
I don't know what the fuck
they were talking about,

2170
01:36:22,391 --> 01:36:25,159
because it seems like we'll never be done.

2171
01:36:25,161 --> 01:36:27,661
We keep trying to pass you the baton.

2172
01:36:27,663 --> 01:36:29,397
You won't take it.

2173
01:36:29,399 --> 01:36:30,764
Take it!

2174
01:36:30,766 --> 01:36:34,802
Just take the fucking baton!

2175
01:36:34,804 --> 01:36:37,772
I agree. We all think you
should take the baton, Kate.

2176
01:36:37,774 --> 01:36:39,740
Maura, cut the shit.
We're talking to you, too.

2177
01:36:39,742 --> 01:36:41,776
- Me?
- Yeah, you.

2178
01:36:41,778 --> 01:36:43,577
BUCKY: Go and live your life

2179
01:36:43,579 --> 01:36:46,880
and stop following us around
like we're gonna die any minute.

2180
01:36:46,882 --> 01:36:48,516
Yeah, we probably have more sex

2181
01:36:48,518 --> 01:36:50,117
- than the both of you.
- Yeah.

2182
01:36:50,119 --> 01:36:51,852
- We know!
- Yeah. We interrupted one of your day-bangs.

2183
01:36:51,854 --> 01:36:53,487
Oh, my God!

2184
01:36:53,489 --> 01:36:54,821
You know, if it takes a village...

2185
01:36:54,823 --> 01:36:57,458
I want a different village,
because this one sucks!

2186
01:36:57,460 --> 01:37:00,628
Why can't you guys just be... (SCREAMING)

2187
01:37:00,630 --> 01:37:02,131
(ALL GASPING)

2188
01:37:03,600 --> 01:37:04,866
- Haley!
- DEANNA: Haley!

2189
01:37:04,868 --> 01:37:06,400
- MAURA: Oh, God.
- DAVE: Oh, shit!

2190
01:37:06,402 --> 01:37:08,268
- BRINDA: Oh, sweet Jesus!
- MAURA: Haley!

2191
01:37:08,270 --> 01:37:09,437
- KATE: Haley?
- HALEY: Mom!

2192
01:37:09,439 --> 01:37:10,604
- DEANNA: Bucky, do something!
- BUCKY: Haley!

2193
01:37:10,606 --> 01:37:11,671
Haley!

2194
01:37:11,673 --> 01:37:13,574
(ALL GASPING)

2195
01:37:13,576 --> 01:37:16,343
- DAVE: Oh, shit!
- Kate!

2196
01:37:16,345 --> 01:37:18,178
PAZUZU: This party is unbelievable.

2197
01:37:18,180 --> 01:37:22,215
I am not going in to work
tomorrow. TSA can kiss my ass.

2198
01:37:22,217 --> 01:37:25,519
Kate, I've been through this shit
before when my condo sankholed.

2199
01:37:25,521 --> 01:37:27,321
I'm gonna talk you through it.

2200
01:37:27,323 --> 01:37:29,624
Your first instinct is gonna be

2201
01:37:29,626 --> 01:37:31,625
just to go to sleep and
deal with it in the morning,

2202
01:37:31,627 --> 01:37:32,727
but don't do that.

2203
01:37:32,729 --> 01:37:33,861
- I got a ladder.
- Kate!

2204
01:37:33,863 --> 01:37:34,928
- Is it cold?
- KATE: Yes, it's fucking cold!

2205
01:37:34,930 --> 01:37:36,429
- Hush!
- It looks cold.

2206
01:37:36,431 --> 01:37:39,166
Everyone's distracted by
the emergency right now.

2207
01:37:39,168 --> 01:37:41,602
I wanna be balls deep in joy.

2208
01:37:41,604 --> 01:37:43,537
Then be in it.

2209
01:37:43,539 --> 01:37:45,339
Back into me.

2210
01:37:45,341 --> 01:37:47,340
Backing into you.

2211
01:37:47,342 --> 01:37:51,778
(IMITATING TRUCK BEEPING)

2212
01:37:51,780 --> 01:37:53,714
I'm in. Lock it up.

2213
01:37:53,716 --> 01:37:55,616
- Okay, I got you.
- BUCKY: We got the ladder.

2214
01:37:55,618 --> 01:37:57,184
- Kate!
- Come on up the ladder.

2215
01:37:57,186 --> 01:37:58,585
We can do this together, all right?

2216
01:37:58,587 --> 01:38:00,588
Everyone say a non-denominational

2217
01:38:00,590 --> 01:38:03,357
silent prayer to themselves, please.

2218
01:38:03,359 --> 01:38:05,226
Haley, don't be scared. Here we go.

2219
01:38:05,228 --> 01:38:06,861
- That's really high.
- MAURA: Come on, you can do it!

2220
01:38:06,863 --> 01:38:09,397
- HALEY: It's too steep. I'm gonna fall.
- KATE: It's the only way out.

2221
01:38:09,399 --> 01:38:10,897
- Look, there's Gramps.
- Oh, you're not gonna slip, honey.

2222
01:38:10,899 --> 01:38:12,232
- Come on.
- I can't, I can't.

2223
01:38:12,234 --> 01:38:15,236
We need to get in there and help
them. I need all your carabiners!

2224
01:38:15,238 --> 01:38:16,504
I'm all over it.

2225
01:38:16,506 --> 01:38:18,238
KATE: Hales, this could keep sinking.

2226
01:38:18,240 --> 01:38:19,574
Do you want me to climb with you?

2227
01:38:19,576 --> 01:38:20,976
What?

2228
01:38:20,978 --> 01:38:23,345
I'll climb with you, okay? I'm
gonna climb right here, next to you.

2229
01:38:24,713 --> 01:38:25,845
(SIGHS)

2230
01:38:25,847 --> 01:38:27,982
MAURA: Kate, you can do it!

2231
01:38:27,984 --> 01:38:31,419
Mommy used to do this at parties,
because she was a fucking idiot.

2232
01:38:31,421 --> 01:38:32,986
- Come on. Come on.
- Come on, now.

2233
01:38:32,988 --> 01:38:34,522
DAVE: Everybody!

2234
01:38:34,524 --> 01:38:35,755
- Don't look down. You got it.
- ALL: Kate! Kate! Kate!

2235
01:38:35,757 --> 01:38:37,692
Okay. Come on.

2236
01:38:37,694 --> 01:38:39,360
There we go.

2237
01:38:39,362 --> 01:38:40,527
ROB: Yep. Yep. Come on, girl.

2238
01:38:40,529 --> 01:38:41,896
- You got it.
- Haley. Come on!

2239
01:38:41,898 --> 01:38:42,996
MAURA: You're almost there.

2240
01:38:42,998 --> 01:38:44,331
- Come on. I got it!
- Mom?

2241
01:38:44,333 --> 01:38:46,299
I'm the mom! Come on.

2242
01:38:46,301 --> 01:38:48,370
(ALL CHEERING)

2243
01:38:49,905 --> 01:38:51,974
DAVE: All right!

2244
01:38:56,746 --> 01:39:00,983
Now, everybody get the hell out of
here, before I call your children!

2245
01:39:05,387 --> 01:39:07,455
You jumped into a sinkhole

2246
01:39:07,457 --> 01:39:09,889
and climbed a rock wall to save me.

2247
01:39:09,891 --> 01:39:13,427
Yeah, it's called Mom strength.
I basically She-Hulked.

2248
01:39:13,429 --> 01:39:14,861
You're my kid.

2249
01:39:14,863 --> 01:39:17,267
It's the only job I'll never quit.

2250
01:39:18,533 --> 01:39:20,601
(SNIFFS)

2251
01:39:20,603 --> 01:39:21,869
Did you smell my head?

2252
01:39:21,871 --> 01:39:23,403
Yeah, smells good.

2253
01:39:23,405 --> 01:39:24,871
You're such a weirdo.

2254
01:39:24,873 --> 01:39:26,910
Remember, I can throw a car at you.

2255
01:39:29,811 --> 01:39:31,915
(DEANNA MUTTERING)

2256
01:39:35,618 --> 01:39:38,121
DEANNA: Maybe it'll look
better in the daylight?

2257
01:39:41,890 --> 01:39:44,825
Why is it blue?

2258
01:39:44,827 --> 01:39:46,893
Well, we are totally fucked.

2259
01:39:46,895 --> 01:39:48,629
Oh, my God, Mom, don't say "fucked."

2260
01:39:48,631 --> 01:39:50,630
It sounds so wrong
coming out of your mouth.

2261
01:39:50,632 --> 01:39:53,601
Oh, too fucking bad.

2262
01:39:53,603 --> 01:39:55,468
I'm pissed.

2263
01:39:55,470 --> 01:39:57,671
And I'll say whatever I wanna say

2264
01:39:57,673 --> 01:40:00,875
because I am cuntingly disappointed in you!

2265
01:40:00,877 --> 01:40:02,043
- Wow.
- BUCKY: All right.

2266
01:40:02,045 --> 01:40:05,379
That's not even a word. God,
you guys need to chill out.

2267
01:40:05,381 --> 01:40:07,580
Oh, God!

2268
01:40:07,582 --> 01:40:09,016
Oh, God!

2269
01:40:09,018 --> 01:40:10,951
KATE: Calm down, Mom!

2270
01:40:10,953 --> 01:40:12,689
DEANNA: Fuck off!

2271
01:40:18,895 --> 01:40:20,527
Asses up!

2272
01:40:20,529 --> 01:40:22,431
DEANNA: Now!

2273
01:40:48,557 --> 01:40:49,824
(GASPS) Oh, God!

2274
01:40:49,826 --> 01:40:51,327
Who's that?

2275
01:40:52,362 --> 01:40:54,361
Whoa! What happened here?

2276
01:40:54,363 --> 01:40:55,763
Oh.

2277
01:40:55,765 --> 01:40:57,397
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Ellis.

2278
01:40:57,399 --> 01:40:59,267
You look great.

2279
01:41:01,770 --> 01:41:05,572
You find my hearing aid?

2280
01:41:05,574 --> 01:41:07,007
Where did you leave it?

2281
01:41:07,009 --> 01:41:08,942
She can't hear you.

2282
01:41:08,944 --> 01:41:10,844
She had to take them out because
the beeping was freaking me out

2283
01:41:10,846 --> 01:41:12,681
when I was on drugs.

2284
01:41:17,720 --> 01:41:19,120
What?

2285
01:41:19,122 --> 01:41:20,287
Nobody's lips are moving.

2286
01:41:20,289 --> 01:41:22,990
Okay. I'm pretty sure I
swallowed all my credit cards,

2287
01:41:22,992 --> 01:41:24,924
so I'm gonna go deal with that.

2288
01:41:24,926 --> 01:41:26,660
Come on, my love.

2289
01:41:26,662 --> 01:41:29,132
Happy Birthday!

2290
01:41:35,003 --> 01:41:38,705
When the girls were little, I used
to wash their hair with this sprayer.

2291
01:41:38,707 --> 01:41:41,909
I could put this one in
the condo, if you like.

2292
01:41:41,911 --> 01:41:43,613
No.

2293
01:41:44,747 --> 01:41:46,582
I'll remember it.

2294
01:41:54,990 --> 01:41:57,193
Scratch my back?

2295
01:42:03,865 --> 01:42:05,699
- BUCKY: There?
- DEANNA: Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

2296
01:42:05,701 --> 01:42:08,270
BUCKY: Mmm-hmm? (SIGHS)

2297
01:42:11,474 --> 01:42:12,740
MAURA: <i>Listen, Dad...</i>

2298
01:42:12,742 --> 01:42:15,709
I'll buy the house as is and
Kate and Haley can stay here.

2299
01:42:15,711 --> 01:42:16,811
No, you won't.

2300
01:42:16,813 --> 01:42:19,179
- Let me fix things.
- You've done enough.

2301
01:42:19,181 --> 01:42:21,080
Don't you have a plane to catch?

2302
01:42:21,082 --> 01:42:24,553
BUCKY: When are you gonna learn
that your help isn't always wanted?

2303
01:42:26,154 --> 01:42:28,522
KATE: I can't offer as much as Maura can,

2304
01:42:28,524 --> 01:42:30,491
but I do have some money.

2305
01:42:30,493 --> 01:42:34,628
Can I please live in your
house, temporarily, with Haley,

2306
01:42:34,630 --> 01:42:36,830
and fix it up?

2307
01:42:36,832 --> 01:42:38,965
- Don't have to answer right away...
- No.

2308
01:42:38,967 --> 01:42:41,802
Please, just go home.

2309
01:42:41,804 --> 01:42:44,239
I have no more home.

2310
01:42:50,046 --> 01:42:53,513
Oh, pulling out the granddaughter card.

2311
01:42:53,515 --> 01:42:56,150
God damn it.

2312
01:42:56,152 --> 01:42:59,186
All right, I'll give you
two weeks to fix it up

2313
01:42:59,188 --> 01:43:01,821
and then I'm torching it for insurance.

2314
01:43:01,823 --> 01:43:03,190
Okay.

2315
01:43:03,192 --> 01:43:06,927
That's everything I have.

2316
01:43:06,929 --> 01:43:08,862
Can you fix the damage for that?

2317
01:43:08,864 --> 01:43:11,197
No.

2318
01:43:11,199 --> 01:43:14,437
But I'll help you do it. (SIGHS)

2319
01:43:15,671 --> 01:43:18,138
Is Maura still in town?

2320
01:43:18,140 --> 01:43:19,842
No.

2321
01:43:44,233 --> 01:43:46,567
I thought you flew to Atlanta.

2322
01:43:46,569 --> 01:43:48,602
Uh...

2323
01:43:48,604 --> 01:43:51,340
I didn't wanna leave town
until I said I was sorry.

2324
01:43:57,913 --> 01:43:59,546
And I think I melted my driver's license

2325
01:43:59,548 --> 01:44:01,283
in the microwave, the other night.

2326
01:44:02,918 --> 01:44:04,652
I'm sorry, Kate.

2327
01:44:04,654 --> 01:44:07,955
I'm sorry that I didn't tell
you that Haley was with me.

2328
01:44:07,957 --> 01:44:11,258
Will you forgive me for that?

2329
01:44:11,260 --> 01:44:13,059
I'm gonna milk it for a while.

2330
01:44:13,061 --> 01:44:14,863
Okay.

2331
01:44:16,231 --> 01:44:17,964
I made you something.

2332
01:44:17,966 --> 01:44:20,233
I was gonna send it to you,
but I didn't have any stamps

2333
01:44:20,235 --> 01:44:22,404
because they don't make them anymore.

2334
01:44:26,742 --> 01:44:30,945
"Sisters are always there for each other.

2335
01:44:30,947 --> 01:44:33,847
"But some sisters think they're hot shit,

2336
01:44:33,849 --> 01:44:35,982
"and do super-intrusive,
fucked-up things,

2337
01:44:35,984 --> 01:44:39,186
"like secretly harbor the other one's
child so they can feel superior."

2338
01:44:39,188 --> 01:44:41,054
Quotes are usually short.

2339
01:44:41,056 --> 01:44:44,058
So are dicks, but sometimes
you hit the jackpot.

2340
01:44:44,060 --> 01:44:45,895
Keep reading.

2341
01:44:47,963 --> 01:44:52,031
"And some sisters live their lives
in chaos, like a goddamn tornado,

2342
01:44:52,033 --> 01:44:54,934
"so the other sister has
to clean it up all the time.

2343
01:44:54,936 --> 01:44:59,005
"So, they're both wrong. The end."

2344
01:44:59,007 --> 01:45:00,874
When I was party mom,

2345
01:45:00,876 --> 01:45:04,745
I realized that always having to
take care of everyone's shit sucks.

2346
01:45:04,747 --> 01:45:06,847
And I'm sure you realized

2347
01:45:06,849 --> 01:45:10,116
that it's not all fun being
selfish and leaving a mess.

2348
01:45:10,118 --> 01:45:12,854
It's pretty fucking fun.

2349
01:45:16,225 --> 01:45:19,729
We need to say goodbye to this
house and who we were here.

2350
01:45:23,932 --> 01:45:27,934
You know, James told me
that a house is a building

2351
01:45:27,936 --> 01:45:30,937
but home is a feeling.

2352
01:45:30,939 --> 01:45:32,805
He's smart. You need to lock that guy down.

2353
01:45:32,807 --> 01:45:34,174
(SIGHS) I blew it with him.

2354
01:45:34,176 --> 01:45:35,942
No, he's still asking about you.

2355
01:45:35,944 --> 01:45:37,244
- He is?
- Yeah.

2356
01:45:37,246 --> 01:45:38,911
He is the greatest.

2357
01:45:38,913 --> 01:45:40,246
James just needs some...

2358
01:45:40,248 --> 01:45:42,116
No! Stop deciding what other people need.

2359
01:45:42,118 --> 01:45:45,321
You need help. Let him help you.

2360
01:45:47,023 --> 01:45:49,656
I got to go scrub "I heart
balls" off the fridge.

2361
01:45:49,658 --> 01:45:51,325
I'm sorry I wrote that.

2362
01:45:51,327 --> 01:45:54,294
- Wait!
- Mmm.

2363
01:45:54,296 --> 01:45:56,429
What do I do when I see him?

2364
01:45:56,431 --> 01:45:59,866
See, I'm asking for help already.

2365
01:45:59,868 --> 01:46:02,068
Find a way to make him come to you.

2366
01:46:02,070 --> 01:46:04,138
But go big.

2367
01:46:04,140 --> 01:46:06,509
Make it clear that you need him.

2368
01:46:16,185 --> 01:46:19,186
MAURA: Help!

2369
01:46:19,188 --> 01:46:21,457
Help!

2370
01:46:32,967 --> 01:46:35,470
Help.

2371
01:46:37,372 --> 01:46:39,973
I know you used to be a lifeguard.

2372
01:46:39,975 --> 01:46:41,977
I need it.

2373
01:46:45,146 --> 01:46:47,082
Save me, please!

2374
01:46:59,328 --> 01:47:01,027
Oh, my God.

2375
01:47:01,029 --> 01:47:02,196
I'm drowning.

2376
01:47:02,198 --> 01:47:03,897
Don't die.

2377
01:47:03,899 --> 01:47:05,701
Come here.

2378
01:47:14,342 --> 01:47:17,910
Water feels good on my ballerina hole.

2379
01:47:17,912 --> 01:47:19,746
(SIGHS)

2380
01:47:19,748 --> 01:47:22,014
- What about your dick burns?
- Ooh.

2381
01:47:22,016 --> 01:47:24,652
Nice to meet you, Dick Burns.

2382
01:47:33,863 --> 01:47:35,831
(TRUCK BEEPING)

2383
01:47:39,234 --> 01:47:40,902
(BOTH LAUGHING)

2384
01:48:00,122 --> 01:48:02,889
How in the hell did you pull this off?

2385
01:48:02,891 --> 01:48:07,028
Well, I usually give 30% and I
went for the full 100 this time.

2386
01:48:08,096 --> 01:48:11,397
You might need one more coat.

2387
01:48:11,399 --> 01:48:14,268
What?

2388
01:48:14,270 --> 01:48:16,303
There we go.

2389
01:48:16,305 --> 01:48:18,972
- Thanks for doing this.
- Oh, well...

2390
01:48:18,974 --> 01:48:20,574
Thank you for bringing me Dave.

2391
01:48:20,576 --> 01:48:23,242
He's really quite the tender love maker.

2392
01:48:23,244 --> 01:48:25,077
So, this is awesome.

2393
01:48:25,079 --> 01:48:26,179
Come on, girlfriend.

2394
01:48:26,181 --> 01:48:27,683
Dave has chlamydia.

2395
01:48:28,818 --> 01:48:30,586
Right, friendship.

2396
01:48:40,429 --> 01:48:43,229
Mom, this guy wants to know if
he can get 10% off his manicure

2397
01:48:43,231 --> 01:48:45,031
because he only has nine fingers.

2398
01:48:45,033 --> 01:48:47,267
Hang up. It's your grandpa pranking us.

2399
01:48:47,269 --> 01:48:48,968
Nice try, Gramps.

2400
01:48:48,970 --> 01:48:51,405
Gross! Get a room!

2401
01:48:51,407 --> 01:48:52,873
Ah, you know you love it.

2402
01:48:52,875 --> 01:48:53,840
- (CHUCKLES)
- KATE: It's 10:00!

2403
01:48:53,842 --> 01:48:55,275
Champagne time.

2404
01:48:55,277 --> 01:48:56,543
JAMES: I'm gonna do this every week.

2405
01:48:56,545 --> 01:48:58,845
- Hae-Won, you're incredible.
- Thank you, Jack.

2406
01:48:58,847 --> 01:49:00,112
- High five!
- No.

2407
01:49:00,114 --> 01:49:02,449
- Sorry.
- All right, everybody, gather up.

2408
01:49:02,451 --> 01:49:06,018
On behalf of my co-owner
Hae-Won and myself.

2409
01:49:06,020 --> 01:49:07,854
- Yay!
- Thank you, Alex,

2410
01:49:07,856 --> 01:49:09,322
for investing in our dreams.

2411
01:49:09,324 --> 01:49:11,258
Just here to do my part. (CHUCKLES)

2412
01:49:11,260 --> 01:49:12,425
Whoa! Hair part! (LAUGHING)

2413
01:49:12,427 --> 01:49:13,492
Oh, God. Here we go.

2414
01:49:13,494 --> 01:49:15,428
Yoinks! (CHUCKLES)

2415
01:49:15,430 --> 01:49:17,030
There is a lid for every pot. (CHUCKLES)

2416
01:49:17,032 --> 01:49:18,464
I'm gonna punch him right in the dick.

2417
01:49:18,466 --> 01:49:21,268
Let's do this! (SQUEALS)

2418
01:49:21,270 --> 01:49:22,535
MAURA: Merry Christmas.

2419
01:49:22,537 --> 01:49:24,303
- Haley, you ready?
- HALEY: I'm coming!

2420
01:49:24,305 --> 01:49:26,875
Hello! Hi.

2421
01:49:29,011 --> 01:49:32,245
Merry Christmas, my two angel.

2422
01:49:32,247 --> 01:49:34,348
And welcome to your new home! (CHUCKLES)

2423
01:49:34,350 --> 01:49:35,514
(KIDS LAUGH)

2424
01:49:35,516 --> 01:49:38,218
Come on, let's go pick a room!

2425
01:49:38,220 --> 01:49:39,486
Really?

2426
01:49:39,488 --> 01:49:42,488
- No, wheelie.
- (LAUGHS)

2427
01:49:42,490 --> 01:49:46,526
If this doesn't smell like our
Christmas, I will flip a table.

2428
01:49:46,528 --> 01:49:48,227
DEANNA: Hi!

2429
01:49:48,229 --> 01:49:49,662
Oh, hi!

2430
01:49:49,664 --> 01:49:51,565
- BUCKY: All right, hi!
- DEANNA: Oh, come here.

2431
01:49:51,567 --> 01:49:55,067
- DEANNA: Look at you.
- JAMES: No, look at you. Look at you.

2432
01:49:55,069 --> 01:49:57,169
DEANNA: Cookies!

2433
01:49:57,171 --> 01:50:00,273
- Oh, how beautiful! Look at these!
- JAMES: They're store-bought.

2434
01:50:00,275 --> 01:50:01,575
Good to see you. Good to
see you. Good to see you.

2435
01:50:01,577 --> 01:50:03,110
- Did you make these?
- No.

2436
01:50:03,112 --> 01:50:06,045
No, I bought them at a gas station.

2437
01:50:06,047 --> 01:50:08,048
Still feels like our Christmas.

2438
01:50:08,050 --> 01:50:09,383
Yeah.

2439
01:50:09,385 --> 01:50:11,687
Because we're the home.

2440
01:50:13,655 --> 01:50:15,988
Yeah.

2441
01:50:15,990 --> 01:50:17,693
Come here, bootch.

2442
01:50:25,301 --> 01:50:28,337
- Let me lead, I'm the big sister.
- Okay.

2443
01:50:31,073 --> 01:50:33,676
(MUSIC PLAYING)

2444
01:51:14,716 --> 01:51:17,718
What kind of... Fuck. (LAUGHS)

2445
01:51:17,720 --> 01:51:20,219
- Sorry. Bloopers!
- MAN: Yeah.

2446
01:51:20,221 --> 01:51:23,255
Whoo! Hey, I put in a special
request for our Applebutt...

2447
01:51:23,257 --> 01:51:25,558
Hey, I... Fuck me, sorry. Fuck, sorry.

2448
01:51:25,560 --> 01:51:26,727
- Can I try it again?
- Ellis I... Sure.

2449
01:51:26,729 --> 01:51:28,428
- MAN: Let's try again.
- Sorry.

2450
01:51:28,430 --> 01:51:29,696
Oh, you probably don't remember.

2451
01:51:29,698 --> 01:51:32,232
Oh, I remember.

2452
01:51:32,234 --> 01:51:35,302
Oh, I remember. I don't remember.

2453
01:51:35,304 --> 01:51:38,104
My safe word is "Dow
Jones Industrial Average."

2454
01:51:38,106 --> 01:51:40,173
My safe word is "geopolitical disaster."

2455
01:51:40,175 --> 01:51:42,509
My safe word is "pseudoparathyroidism."

2456
01:51:42,511 --> 01:51:45,478
(SINGING) <i>That girl is poison</i>

2457
01:51:45,480 --> 01:51:46,746
(CHUCKLES)

2458
01:51:46,748 --> 01:51:49,148
<i>She's dangerous</i>

2459
01:51:49,150 --> 01:51:50,349
(LAUGHS)

2460
01:51:50,351 --> 01:51:54,286
I am done wasting words on
that cum-guzzling road whore.

2461
01:51:54,288 --> 01:51:56,156
Wow.

2462
01:51:56,158 --> 01:51:58,427
(MUSIC PLAYING)

2463
01:52:03,431 --> 01:52:06,165
- Huh?
- Huh?

2464
01:52:06,167 --> 01:52:09,035
Sorry. (CHUCKLES)

2465
01:52:09,037 --> 01:52:10,202
I can't believe that you haven't farted

2466
01:52:10,204 --> 01:52:12,205
- this whole time.
- (LAUGHING)

2467
01:52:12,207 --> 01:52:14,607
Good job. Now I put it in your head, sorry.

2468
01:52:14,609 --> 01:52:15,776
No, they've been silent.

2469
01:52:15,778 --> 01:52:17,643
- MAN: Okay, here we go.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

2470
01:52:17,645 --> 01:52:20,414
Hae-Won. Am I saying it correctly?

2471
01:52:20,416 --> 01:52:22,049
Hae-Won.

2472
01:52:22,051 --> 01:52:23,683
I'm just gonna throw it away. Hae-Won.

2473
01:52:23,685 --> 01:52:24,750
No.

2474
01:52:24,752 --> 01:52:26,455
(LAUGHS)

2475
01:52:27,523 --> 01:52:29,522
Hae...

2476
01:52:29,524 --> 01:52:30,757
(CHUCKLES)

2477
01:52:30,759 --> 01:52:32,392
Wait, I've got it.

2478
01:52:32,394 --> 01:52:34,462
Hae-Won.

2479
01:52:35,497 --> 01:52:37,696
(CHUCKLING)

2480
01:52:37,698 --> 01:52:38,799
Hae-Won.

2481
01:52:38,801 --> 01:52:40,836
Hae-Won.

2482
01:52:43,538 --> 01:52:46,505
Sorry.

2483
01:52:46,507 --> 01:52:47,574
I'm sorry.

2484
01:52:47,576 --> 01:52:49,077
(CLEARS THROAT)

2485
01:52:50,779 --> 01:52:54,815
(CLICKS TONGUE) Let me just see
if I'm pronouncing it correctly.

2486
01:52:54,817 --> 01:52:56,383
Sorry.

2487
01:52:56,385 --> 01:52:58,420
Hae-Won.

2488
01:53:00,389 --> 01:53:03,089
(CREW MEMBERS LAUGHING)

2489
01:53:03,091 --> 01:53:05,160
MAN: And cut.

2490
01:53:05,923 --> 01:53:10,923
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com