1
00:00:04,557 --> 00:00:06,657
_

2
00:00:07,852 --> 00:00:09,421
- TIM: Hey, Mama.
- Hey.

3
00:00:10,702 --> 00:00:11,390
What's wrong?

4
00:00:11,392 --> 00:00:14,126
Nothing. Okay, you know what?

5
00:00:14,128 --> 00:00:15,761
I can't believe that you just ignored

6
00:00:15,763 --> 00:00:17,329
the dirtiest text I've ever sent you.

7
00:00:18,070 --> 00:00:19,565
Well, dirty text? What dirty text?

8
00:00:19,567 --> 00:00:21,266
I didn't get any dirty text. I got...

9
00:00:21,268 --> 00:00:22,834
Ooh, geez.

10
00:00:23,050 --> 00:00:25,024
No. The last text I got from you

11
00:00:25,056 --> 00:00:26,197
said, "Never mind.

12
00:00:26,450 --> 00:00:28,814
- I forgot I had eaten beets."
- No.

13
00:00:31,773 --> 00:00:32,418
(sighs)

14
00:00:33,449 --> 00:00:35,981
- Oh... (murmuring)
- Uh-huh.

15
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,884
I think that's the dirtiest
text anybody's ever sent anybody.

16
00:00:38,886 --> 00:00:40,127
You like it like that.

17
00:00:41,595 --> 00:00:43,144
Well, now I see why I never received it.

18
00:00:43,707 --> 00:00:44,289
(laughs)

19
00:00:44,527 --> 00:00:45,673
You sent that to Tyler.

20
00:00:46,475 --> 00:00:47,424
(screams)

21
00:00:48,126 --> 00:00:48,904
I can't go home.

22
00:00:49,460 --> 00:00:50,738
I can never go home again.

23
00:00:51,338 --> 00:00:52,262
It can't be that bad.

24
00:00:56,252 --> 00:00:58,837
Whoa. I have never even
seen this on the Internet.

25
00:00:58,839 --> 00:01:01,006
You watch that kind of
stuff on the Internet?

26
00:01:01,465 --> 00:01:03,308
Sometimes. Don't you?

27
00:01:03,428 --> 00:01:06,522
No, it's blocked at my house.
I thought it was because

28
00:01:06,537 --> 00:01:08,836
of my dad, but now I'm wondering
if it's because of my mom.

29
00:01:09,532 --> 00:01:11,391
Hmm. You'll be fine.

30
00:01:11,401 --> 00:01:15,186
My dentist accidentally
sexts me, like, once a week.

31
00:01:15,622 --> 00:01:16,988
Ooh. You know what I'm gonna do?

32
00:01:16,990 --> 00:01:17,798
I'll look him in the eye

33
00:01:17,918 --> 00:01:18,778
and I'll just say,

34
00:01:19,292 --> 00:01:21,695
"Hey, autocorrect

35
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:23,995
completely changed the
grocery list I gave your dad."

36
00:01:23,997 --> 00:01:25,907
Well, not completely. I
mean, "cream" and "meat"

37
00:01:26,027 --> 00:01:26,965
could have stayed the same.

38
00:01:26,967 --> 00:01:28,207
God, Tim, why?

39
00:01:28,246 --> 00:01:30,475
Why aren't you helping me with this?!

40
00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,807
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just enjoying this too much

41
00:01:32,831 --> 00:01:35,306
because, for once, it's
not me who screwed up.

42
00:01:35,308 --> 00:01:36,774
Okay, you know what I need?

43
00:01:36,954 --> 00:01:39,790
I-I need the advice...
of a professional.

44
00:01:41,555 --> 00:01:42,829
Did I do this to you?

45
00:01:42,845 --> 00:01:44,183
Did I make you like this?

46
00:01:44,202 --> 00:01:46,980
No, no. Nobody did anything to me.

47
00:01:46,996 --> 00:01:49,102
I just... I'm trying to
keep it spicy with Tim.

48
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,977
Honey, I didn't even
know people could do this,

49
00:01:50,996 --> 00:01:53,157
and I've had some long
layovers in Bangkok.

50
00:01:53,159 --> 00:01:54,625
- Mom!
- I'm sorry.

51
00:01:54,627 --> 00:01:56,560
This is a little more
than I could handle,

52
00:01:56,586 --> 00:01:59,263
so, I-I... I think I'm
gonna talk to my therapist.

53
00:01:59,383 --> 00:02:00,531
Do you think that he can help me?

54
00:02:00,533 --> 00:02:01,949
No, no, this is for me.

55
00:02:02,461 --> 00:02:03,472
You need a priest.

56
00:02:09,875 --> 00:02:12,276
(car engine approaching)

57
00:02:12,278 --> 00:02:14,879
(car door closes)

58
00:02:17,072 --> 00:02:19,153
HEATHER: I got this. I got this.

59
00:02:20,491 --> 00:02:21,712
(keys jingling)

60
00:02:22,667 --> 00:02:23,413
I don't got this.

61
00:02:23,470 --> 00:02:24,286
I don't got this.

62
00:02:24,324 --> 00:02:25,756
I don't got this. I don't got this.

63
00:02:25,758 --> 00:02:27,858
(beeping) What?

64
00:02:27,860 --> 00:02:30,127
Did you know that Victoria's
Secret sold their Web site

65
00:02:30,129 --> 00:02:32,213
to someone called "Net Nanny"?

66
00:02:32,813 --> 00:02:33,897
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

67
00:02:34,230 --> 00:02:35,771
Will you go get me a glass of water?

68
00:02:35,791 --> 00:02:38,168
I can smell Pop Tarts, so I
know Tyler's in the kitchen.

69
00:02:38,553 --> 00:02:39,893
Look, I cannot keep doing this.

70
00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:41,605
If I wanted to run
up and down the stairs

71
00:02:41,607 --> 00:02:43,053
two times a day, I'd join a gym.

72
00:02:43,342 --> 00:02:45,122
You're gonna have to talk
to him again at some point.

73
00:02:45,198 --> 00:02:46,143
Maybe not.

74
00:02:46,145 --> 00:02:48,745
Maybe like a mama bear out in the wild,

75
00:02:48,747 --> 00:02:50,347
I've taught my cub all that I can,

76
00:02:50,349 --> 00:02:52,049
and now it's time for him to go out

77
00:02:52,051 --> 00:02:53,750
and maul some tourists on his own.

78
00:02:53,752 --> 00:02:55,534
You know what? I'll get
you a glass of water.

79
00:02:56,081 --> 00:02:57,222
Ooh, hey, hey.

80
00:02:57,930 --> 00:02:58,570
And a Pop Tart?

81
00:02:59,043 --> 00:03:00,342
Oh, well, if you want a Pop Tart,

82
00:03:00,363 --> 00:03:01,832
I do not have to go downstairs.

83
00:03:05,303 --> 00:03:06,185
You have a problem.

84
00:03:10,373 --> 00:03:10,767
Hey, buddy.

85
00:03:10,769 --> 00:03:12,369
Oh, thank God it's you, man.

86
00:03:12,563 --> 00:03:14,104
I was so scared to come out of my room.

87
00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:15,721
But I really needed a drink of water.

88
00:03:16,089 --> 00:03:17,590
I almost let Clementine get it for me.

89
00:03:18,473 --> 00:03:19,347
Clementine's in your room?

90
00:03:19,885 --> 00:03:20,591
N-No.

91
00:03:21,392 --> 00:03:23,007
All right, look, this is crazy.

92
00:03:23,177 --> 00:03:25,243
You got your mom right
where you want her right now.

93
00:03:25,268 --> 00:03:27,054
You need to take advantage of it.

94
00:03:27,370 --> 00:03:28,796
- What do you mean?
- What's one thing

95
00:03:28,810 --> 00:03:29,695
you've always wanted to do,

96
00:03:29,721 --> 00:03:30,732
but your mom wouldn't let you do?

97
00:03:31,382 --> 00:03:32,237
Go to Tijuana.

98
00:03:32,293 --> 00:03:33,741
Then you go to Tijuana right now!

99
00:03:34,854 --> 00:03:36,092
How can she possibly say no

100
00:03:36,094 --> 00:03:37,839
when she won't even look you in the eye?

101
00:03:37,860 --> 00:03:39,429
You really think she
would let me go to Tijuana

102
00:03:39,431 --> 00:03:40,852
just to avoid talking to me?

103
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:42,365
Only one way to find out.

104
00:03:42,367 --> 00:03:43,633
- (chuckles)
- Look.

105
00:03:44,618 --> 00:03:46,177
I also want to clarify one thing

106
00:03:46,205 --> 00:03:47,804
- about that text.
- No, no, no, please...

107
00:03:48,405 --> 00:03:50,073
I would be doing those
things to your mother,

108
00:03:50,075 --> 00:03:52,609
and not the other way around,
because... no, look at me.

109
00:03:53,343 --> 00:03:54,288
You got to look at me.

110
00:03:55,660 --> 00:03:56,786
Because<i> I</i> am the man.

111
00:03:57,415 --> 00:03:58,571
And that's the man's job.

112
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:01,860
Good news.

113
00:04:01,872 --> 00:04:03,390
You may unbuckle your safety belt

114
00:04:03,422 --> 00:04:04,769
and move freely about the house.

115
00:04:04,788 --> 00:04:05,770
Tyler is leaving.

116
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,815
What? Oh, thank God!

117
00:04:07,853 --> 00:04:08,378
Where's he going?

118
00:04:09,036 --> 00:04:11,661
He and Clem are driving down to Tijuana.

119
00:04:11,781 --> 00:04:13,577
What? No! No! No!

120
00:04:13,615 --> 00:04:15,898
- They are not!
- Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine.

121
00:04:15,900 --> 00:04:19,302
I gave them a whole bunch of
cash and my dusty wallet condom.

122
00:04:21,464 --> 00:04:23,766
And the mother bear's
off to protect her cub.

123
00:04:25,278 --> 00:04:27,403
Tijuana, here we come.

124
00:04:27,909 --> 00:04:28,731
(car engine starts)

125
00:04:29,331 --> 00:04:30,059
- Oh!
- Oh!

126
00:04:30,179 --> 00:04:31,781
Get out of the car.

127
00:04:31,783 --> 00:04:34,417
You are not going to Tijuana.

128
00:04:35,745 --> 00:04:36,686
You listen to me.

129
00:04:36,688 --> 00:04:38,487
Tijuana is a low-down dirty place

130
00:04:38,489 --> 00:04:41,123
where anything goes,
which is why I love it.

131
00:04:41,324 --> 00:04:42,491
But you cannot go

132
00:04:42,817 --> 00:04:45,061
because you are still a child.

133
00:04:45,296 --> 00:04:45,941
So are you.

134
00:04:45,992 --> 00:04:48,931
I think we can agree my
childhood ended with that text.

135
00:04:49,231 --> 00:04:50,399
Okay, you know what? Listen.

136
00:04:50,856 --> 00:04:51,967
I love your dad

137
00:04:51,969 --> 00:04:53,402
very deeply and I work hard

138
00:04:53,404 --> 00:04:55,169
to make sure that our marriage is strong

139
00:04:55,201 --> 00:04:56,972
and our love life is spicy.

140
00:04:57,171 --> 00:04:58,207
And I don't feel

141
00:04:58,327 --> 00:05:00,435
like I should have
to apologize for that.

142
00:05:00,555 --> 00:05:03,300
I-I am, however, very sorry

143
00:05:03,338 --> 00:05:04,046
that you had to know

144
00:05:04,077 --> 00:05:05,867
that Mommy does those things to Daddy.

145
00:05:05,987 --> 00:05:06,436
Heather!

146
00:05:09,003 --> 00:05:11,253
Daddy does those things to Mommy.

147
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:12,203
Okay.

148
00:05:13,573 --> 00:05:14,260
Yeah.

149
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:16,684
_

150
00:05:17,406 --> 00:05:17,930
Yeah.

151
00:05:18,662 --> 00:05:20,662
Lark just would not stop crying today.

152
00:05:20,726 --> 00:05:22,105
- Yeah.
- And 45 minutes later,

153
00:05:22,142 --> 00:05:23,579
I found out her shoe was on too tight.

154
00:05:23,617 --> 00:05:24,591
How am I supposed to know that?

155
00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:26,884
I know, it's gonna be so
much easier when she can talk.

156
00:05:26,899 --> 00:05:29,353
Like, we won't feel like we're,
like, on a Japanese game show

157
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:30,572
we don't know the rules to.

158
00:05:30,754 --> 00:05:31,064
Hey.

159
00:05:31,747 --> 00:05:33,442
- Is that Sam?
- Yeah.

160
00:05:33,739 --> 00:05:35,110
Hey, Sam, what's up?

161
00:05:35,112 --> 00:05:36,445
Hey, Uncle Greg.

162
00:05:36,806 --> 00:05:38,413
Move, you're blocking the view.

163
00:05:38,415 --> 00:05:39,548
Oh, of what?

164
00:05:39,550 --> 00:05:41,953
Oh, the security guard stuck
against the wall on a Segway?

165
00:05:42,238 --> 00:05:44,319
No, we're spying on my boyfriend.

166
00:05:44,439 --> 00:05:45,450
You have a boyfriend?

167
00:05:45,627 --> 00:05:47,825
Irving Rosenblatt... he's
the coolest boy in the class.

168
00:05:47,945 --> 00:05:49,311
He's been acting weird.

169
00:05:49,330 --> 00:05:51,645
I'm not even sure if we're
boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.

170
00:05:52,005 --> 00:05:54,262
He liked three of Lexie's
pictures on Instagram.

171
00:05:54,264 --> 00:05:55,797
Oh, I hate her.

172
00:05:55,799 --> 00:05:57,098
Unless you're Lexie.

173
00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:58,967
No, I'm Jenna. Lexie's a monster.

174
00:05:58,969 --> 00:06:00,502
- Knew it.
- Okay.

175
00:06:00,504 --> 00:06:02,003
All right, well, uh, what does

176
00:06:02,005 --> 00:06:04,072
his relationship status
on his Facebook say?

177
00:06:04,074 --> 00:06:05,705
"Facebook"? I don't know, Grandpa.

178
00:06:05,730 --> 00:06:06,941
We don't have a typewriter.

179
00:06:06,943 --> 00:06:08,677
- Snap.
- Oh, come on, Facebook is on a compute...

180
00:06:08,679 --> 00:06:10,045
No, no, no, stop talking,
because the more you say,

181
00:06:10,047 --> 00:06:10,885
the older we get.

182
00:06:11,296 --> 00:06:12,243
Okay, fine, I won't say anything.

183
00:06:12,291 --> 00:06:14,988
No, no, no! We can
actually help this child.

184
00:06:15,043 --> 00:06:16,553
Unlike Lark, she's telling us

185
00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:18,371
what's wrong in words we can understand.

186
00:06:18,395 --> 00:06:19,106
Yeah, we're gonna tell you

187
00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:20,276
- what you do here, okay?
- Yes.

188
00:06:21,666 --> 00:06:22,487
Just go over there.

189
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,894
No, if we get too close,
he might recognize us.

190
00:06:26,393 --> 00:06:28,863
Okay, well, uh, here.

191
00:06:30,073 --> 00:06:31,165
He won't recognize us.

192
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:34,257
(stammers) He didn't know
what we looked like before.

193
00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:36,338
Yeah, of course.

194
00:06:37,790 --> 00:06:39,040
Hey, will you put this
on my birthday list?

195
00:06:39,583 --> 00:06:41,212
Yeah, okay, one stupid hat.

196
00:06:41,332 --> 00:06:41,733
Got it.

197
00:06:48,585 --> 00:06:49,917
What's up, Broseph Stalin?

198
00:06:49,919 --> 00:06:51,139
You looking for something special?

199
00:06:51,259 --> 00:06:52,778
Maybe for a special someone?

200
00:06:53,454 --> 00:06:54,004
You work here?

201
00:06:54,290 --> 00:06:55,663
- Yeah, we do. We for sure do.
- Yeah.

202
00:06:55,671 --> 00:06:56,659
We work in this store.

203
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,870
Yeah, I've been working
in this mall since '97.

204
00:06:58,990 --> 00:07:01,307
- Yeah.
- Back when the big and the tall stores

205
00:07:01,335 --> 00:07:03,112
- were still segregated.
- Pre-merger.

206
00:07:03,232 --> 00:07:04,144
- Yeah.
- I'm Jen...

207
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,250
and I'm the store manager.

208
00:07:05,265 --> 00:07:07,168
Anyway, do you have
a girlfriend, Irving?

209
00:07:07,929 --> 00:07:09,036
How do you know my name?

210
00:07:09,408 --> 00:07:10,293
Well, there's a...

211
00:07:11,004 --> 00:07:12,573
a reason I'm the manager.

212
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:13,690
You know what I'm saying?

213
00:07:14,171 --> 00:07:15,265
Anyway, girlfriend?

214
00:07:15,291 --> 00:07:16,910
Yes? No? If you do have a girlfriend,

215
00:07:16,935 --> 00:07:18,174
everything in the store is half off.

216
00:07:18,636 --> 00:07:19,780
I thought I had a girlfriend.

217
00:07:20,008 --> 00:07:21,989
- Ah.
- She didn't "like"

218
00:07:22,053 --> 00:07:23,684
his Instagram of him surfing.

219
00:07:23,686 --> 00:07:25,268
My boy got dropped!

220
00:07:25,310 --> 00:07:26,453
- Ball tap!
- Oh...

221
00:07:26,455 --> 00:07:27,454
(whispers): Ball tap...

222
00:07:27,456 --> 00:07:29,423
Hey, well, did you ever think

223
00:07:29,425 --> 00:07:30,912
of maybe just, like, talking to her?

224
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:33,277
Like, asking her why she
didn't "like" the photo?

225
00:07:33,397 --> 00:07:35,296
All right, who are you
guys? Do you even work here?

226
00:07:35,298 --> 00:07:36,933
Three-time manager of
the year, right here.

227
00:07:36,945 --> 00:07:38,399
Yeah, I've won a lot of awards.

228
00:07:38,613 --> 00:07:40,763
Okay, then how come
every guy who works here

229
00:07:40,787 --> 00:07:42,202
has his shirt off but you?

230
00:07:42,723 --> 00:07:43,362
What's up?

231
00:07:45,711 --> 00:07:47,841
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

232
00:07:49,626 --> 00:07:50,435
No. What are you doing?

233
00:07:50,479 --> 00:07:51,732
What are you doing? No, no, no.

234
00:07:51,757 --> 00:07:52,846
We've gone too far. We've gone too far.

235
00:07:52,848 --> 00:07:54,977
Yeah, we gotta go. We gotta go. Run!

236
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,684
I didn't dump him.
I just didn't want to "like"

237
00:07:57,686 --> 00:07:59,786
a picture of him
shirtless on a surfboard.

238
00:07:59,986 --> 00:08:01,488
Hannah G. got dumped because she liked

239
00:08:01,490 --> 00:08:03,156
too many of Jonty Crawford's pictures.

240
00:08:03,762 --> 00:08:05,033
Hannah's such a "like" whore.

241
00:08:05,461 --> 00:08:06,793
She'll, like, "like" anything.

242
00:08:06,795 --> 00:08:08,161
Even, like, a gross tuna sandwich

243
00:08:08,163 --> 00:08:09,429
you, like, made or whatever.

244
00:08:09,431 --> 00:08:11,031
That was super interesting, Jenna,

245
00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:13,934
but it added nothing to the
conversation. Just a tip.

246
00:08:13,936 --> 00:08:16,763
- Let me see that.
- GREG: I can't see it.

247
00:08:16,782 --> 00:08:17,704
- Zoom in a little.
- SAMANTHA: No, don't... (gasps)

248
00:08:18,066 --> 00:08:18,730
Oh, my God...

249
00:08:18,755 --> 00:08:19,625
What? What did I do?

250
00:08:19,846 --> 00:08:20,801
You "liked" it.

251
00:08:21,073 --> 00:08:23,043
That picture was from three days ago.

252
00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,349
He's just going to think I was home

253
00:08:24,368 --> 00:08:26,151
scrolling through all of his photos!

254
00:08:26,189 --> 00:08:27,714
Back-liking is so desperate!

255
00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:29,382
Okay. You know what?

256
00:08:29,860 --> 00:08:32,485
Enough with the spying and social media.

257
00:08:32,487 --> 00:08:35,387
Why don't you just go ask
him how he feels about you?

258
00:08:35,507 --> 00:08:37,691
You mean have a conversation?

259
00:08:38,424 --> 00:08:39,793
I don't want to freak him out.

260
00:08:40,043 --> 00:08:41,594
Right. Let me get some clarity here.

261
00:08:41,596 --> 00:08:43,563
You guys are-are
boyfriend and girlfriend...

262
00:08:43,683 --> 00:08:44,103
I love him.

263
00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:45,354
No, you don't,

264
00:08:45,373 --> 00:08:46,233
but that-that's fine.

265
00:08:46,429 --> 00:08:47,852
So here's another question.

266
00:08:48,105 --> 00:08:49,602
Have you two ever spoken?

267
00:08:49,926 --> 00:08:51,469
Of course. We talk all the time.

268
00:08:51,685 --> 00:08:52,657
In person?

269
00:08:52,855 --> 00:08:54,309
With actual words

270
00:08:54,349 --> 00:08:55,724
that the other person hears

271
00:08:55,764 --> 00:08:57,598
and then responds to?

272
00:08:58,128 --> 00:08:59,412
What are we, Amish?

273
00:08:59,811 --> 00:09:02,082
You should try it, Sam.

274
00:09:02,304 --> 00:09:03,383
And just be straight with him.

275
00:09:03,822 --> 00:09:05,204
JEN: Yeah, guys love
it when you're direct.

276
00:09:05,324 --> 00:09:06,122
Like when I told Greg

277
00:09:06,154 --> 00:09:07,387
his dream hat was stupid.

278
00:09:07,389 --> 00:09:08,955
(scoffs)

279
00:09:09,316 --> 00:09:11,592
The old lady doesn't
understand sweet lids.

280
00:09:11,860 --> 00:09:15,128
Hey, just think, in 12
years, we're gonna be able

281
00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:17,278
- to help Lark like this.
- JEN: Yeah, but I don't want

282
00:09:17,305 --> 00:09:18,293
to help her too much, you know?

283
00:09:18,317 --> 00:09:19,166
I want her to be able to learn

284
00:09:19,185 --> 00:09:21,115
- how to solve problems on her own.
- Yeah.

285
00:09:22,166 --> 00:09:23,224
I thought you guys were, like,

286
00:09:23,225 --> 00:09:24,541
super old and gross or whatever,

287
00:09:24,566 --> 00:09:25,565
but you're actually, like,

288
00:09:25,597 --> 00:09:27,773
really cool aunts and uncle or whatever.

289
00:09:27,981 --> 00:09:29,467
Thanks or whatever.

290
00:09:29,792 --> 00:09:30,943
He dumped me.

291
00:09:31,268 --> 00:09:31,948
- What?
- What?

292
00:09:32,509 --> 00:09:34,113
W-What'd he do that for?

293
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,711
He said I was suffocating him.

294
00:09:35,735 --> 00:09:38,384
I can't believe you guys
made me talk to my boyfriend.

295
00:09:38,386 --> 00:09:39,652
You ruined my life!

296
00:09:40,033 --> 00:09:40,886
And mine!

297
00:09:41,384 --> 00:09:41,985
SAMANTHA: God!

298
00:09:42,886 --> 00:09:44,323
- JEN: Um...
- JENNA: Let's get piercings.

299
00:09:44,325 --> 00:09:46,040
Do you understand anything
that just happened?

300
00:09:46,452 --> 00:09:46,876
Yeah.

301
00:09:47,532 --> 00:09:48,686
Teenagers are crazy.

302
00:09:50,259 --> 00:09:51,508
I mean, I think we got it wrong.

303
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:53,548
Like, babies are not the hard part.

304
00:09:54,149 --> 00:09:55,445
That is the hard part.

305
00:09:55,848 --> 00:09:56,583
But we'll get through it.

306
00:09:56,773 --> 00:09:58,170
- Yeah. (sighs)
- Mm-hmm.

307
00:09:58,172 --> 00:09:59,538
We just gotta put our thinking caps on.

308
00:09:59,540 --> 00:10:00,839
Okay, just get the hat, Greg.

309
00:10:00,841 --> 00:10:01,878
Oh, yeah.

310
00:10:03,577 --> 00:10:04,557
They still got it!

311
00:10:05,102 --> 00:10:05,719
Great.

312
00:10:09,449 --> 00:10:11,417
Yo, what are you doing?

313
00:10:11,419 --> 00:10:15,187
Oh. Uh, helping to get your
new roommate all settled in.

314
00:10:15,189 --> 00:10:17,489
My new roommate? No. No.

315
00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:18,891
No, no, no, no, no.

316
00:10:19,915 --> 00:10:21,815
_

317
00:10:21,839 --> 00:10:23,239
_

318
00:10:24,705 --> 00:10:25,854
(whinnies)

319
00:10:29,968 --> 00:10:30,997
JOHN: Look at you!

320
00:10:31,117 --> 00:10:32,683
Pop-Pop's little Dale Evans!

321
00:10:33,351 --> 00:10:34,385
Dale Evans was

322
00:10:34,447 --> 00:10:36,180
a movie cowgirl back in the '50s.

323
00:10:36,182 --> 00:10:38,110
She wrote the song "Happy Trails"

324
00:10:38,150 --> 00:10:41,084
and I used to sing that to
you when you were on the potty,

325
00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:42,330
when we were saying

326
00:10:42,353 --> 00:10:43,523
good-bye to your poops!

327
00:10:43,989 --> 00:10:44,630
Remember?

328
00:10:47,065 --> 00:10:49,259
Don't watch me, Pop-Pop.
It's embarrassing.

329
00:10:49,261 --> 00:10:50,693
Just wait for me at the car.

330
00:11:05,559 --> 00:11:06,294
(snorts)

331
00:11:08,697 --> 00:11:09,788
What in the world?

332
00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:13,917
Well, aren't you a horse
of a different everything?

333
00:11:14,113 --> 00:11:15,118
She's a cutie, huh?

334
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:16,382
(laughing): Yeah.

335
00:11:16,435 --> 00:11:19,373
Looks like you left your
horse in the dryer too long.

336
00:11:19,877 --> 00:11:21,424
TRAINER: Her name's Lemonade.

337
00:11:21,426 --> 00:11:22,501
I think she likes you.

338
00:11:25,515 --> 00:11:26,796
Awesome. (laughs)

339
00:11:29,408 --> 00:11:32,333
Joanie, I got a surprise.

340
00:11:32,363 --> 00:11:34,470
Oh, is it a food surprise?

341
00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,318
I love food surprises.

342
00:11:38,275 --> 00:11:39,332
What on earth is that?

343
00:11:39,452 --> 00:11:41,437
It's a mini-horse.
Her name is Lemonade,

344
00:11:41,464 --> 00:11:43,524
and she's come to live
in our house forever.

345
00:11:43,882 --> 00:11:44,241
What?

346
00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:46,182
- Isn't she great?
- No!

347
00:11:46,184 --> 00:11:48,284
It looks like a child in an animal suit.

348
00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:49,899
Well, come on, give her a pet.

349
00:11:53,490 --> 00:11:54,548
- (neighs)
- (gasps)

350
00:11:54,587 --> 00:11:56,216
Oh! Now, that's no way

351
00:11:56,231 --> 00:11:57,654
to treat family, Lemonade.

352
00:11:57,686 --> 00:11:58,799
Be nice.

353
00:11:58,919 --> 00:11:59,895
Aw...

354
00:11:59,897 --> 00:12:02,236
Now you're just flirting to flirt.

355
00:12:02,450 --> 00:12:04,600
She'll come around. I promise you.

356
00:12:04,602 --> 00:12:05,768
Come on, girl.

357
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:07,406
Let's go night-night.

358
00:12:07,939 --> 00:12:09,739
("We're Going to Be Friends"
by The White Stripes playing)

359
00:12:09,741 --> 00:12:12,041
♪ Fall is here, hear the yell ♪

360
00:12:12,043 --> 00:12:13,990
♪ Back to school, ring the bell ♪

361
00:12:14,014 --> 00:12:15,350
I'm drinking, she's driving.

362
00:12:17,199 --> 00:12:19,281
♪ Climb the fence, books and pens ♪

363
00:12:19,283 --> 00:12:23,519
♪ I can tell that we
are gonna be friends ♪

364
00:12:23,521 --> 00:12:29,024
♪ I can tell that we
are gonna be friends ♪

365
00:12:32,529 --> 00:12:34,830
♪ Walk with me, Suzy Lee ♪

366
00:12:34,832 --> 00:12:37,266
- ♪ Through the park and by the tree ♪
- Yes.

367
00:12:37,268 --> 00:12:39,568
♪ We will rest upon the ground ♪

368
00:12:39,570 --> 00:12:42,337
♪ And look at all
the bugs we found ♪

369
00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:43,629
Oh, hell no.

370
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:47,409
♪ Safely walk to
school without a sound ♪

371
00:12:47,411 --> 00:12:50,012
♪ Safely walk to
school without a sound ♪

372
00:12:50,014 --> 00:12:52,581
(song continues over headphones)

373
00:12:54,784 --> 00:12:56,552
♪ Here we are, no one else ♪

374
00:12:56,554 --> 00:12:57,802
♪ We walked to school... ♪

375
00:12:57,838 --> 00:12:59,922
Yo, what are you doing?

376
00:12:59,924 --> 00:13:03,535
Oh. Uh, helping to get your
new roommate all settled in.

377
00:13:03,581 --> 00:13:06,028
My new roommate? No. No.

378
00:13:06,030 --> 00:13:08,263
No, no, no, no, no...

379
00:13:08,818 --> 00:13:10,558
Look, your mother doesn't
want her in the house.

380
00:13:10,599 --> 00:13:11,899
What am I supposed to do?

381
00:13:11,949 --> 00:13:13,284
I don't know... off
the top of my head,

382
00:13:13,341 --> 00:13:14,859
maybe not bring home
a little, tiny horse.

383
00:13:14,979 --> 00:13:16,538
Well, it's too late for that.

384
00:13:16,803 --> 00:13:18,402
I'd let her fall asleep first,

385
00:13:18,426 --> 00:13:19,232
if I were you.

386
00:13:19,561 --> 00:13:22,177
She does get a little
randy in the evening, huh?

387
00:13:23,351 --> 00:13:24,561
See? Good night.

388
00:13:27,383 --> 00:13:28,337
(nickers)

389
00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:32,566
Come on, girl.

390
00:13:35,349 --> 00:13:36,311
What is this?

391
00:13:36,343 --> 00:13:38,393
Oh, this was our wedding album.

392
00:13:38,395 --> 00:13:40,146
These were photos of you and I

393
00:13:40,190 --> 00:13:41,948
pledging our love to one another.

394
00:13:42,207 --> 00:13:43,592
Why would you try to eat it?

395
00:13:43,712 --> 00:13:45,300
That hooved hussy did.

396
00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:47,017
- (whinnies)
- John,

397
00:13:47,087 --> 00:13:48,550
I've tried to be patient,

398
00:13:49,399 --> 00:13:50,775
but this is a nightmare.

399
00:13:51,569 --> 00:13:52,778
Can you please tell me

400
00:13:52,834 --> 00:13:54,260
what's really going on?

401
00:13:55,171 --> 00:13:56,578
Nothing, Joanie. It was fate.

402
00:13:57,013 --> 00:13:58,835
If Sophia hadn't sent me packing,

403
00:13:58,850 --> 00:14:00,363
I never would've met

404
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:03,484
this adorable little
equine shrinky-dink.

405
00:14:03,486 --> 00:14:05,034
Those are our vows she's chewing.

406
00:14:05,389 --> 00:14:05,727
Hmm?

407
00:14:10,098 --> 00:14:10,872
Uh, here.

408
00:14:12,370 --> 00:14:12,714
There.

409
00:14:18,027 --> 00:14:18,593
(sighs)

410
00:14:19,686 --> 00:14:20,561
Come on, Lemonade.

411
00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:22,904
I'll take you back to the barn.

412
00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:30,302
The trainer was nice
enough to take her back.

413
00:14:30,338 --> 00:14:32,078
Evidently, this happens all the time.

414
00:14:32,282 --> 00:14:33,581
What she hadn't told me

415
00:14:33,583 --> 00:14:35,195
is the minute you take
them off the ranch,

416
00:14:35,220 --> 00:14:37,268
they lose 40% of their value.

417
00:14:38,209 --> 00:14:38,735
(yips)

418
00:14:39,529 --> 00:14:40,359
Who are you?

419
00:14:41,244 --> 00:14:42,034
This is Tank.

420
00:14:42,706 --> 00:14:43,682
Tank's a Yorkie.

421
00:14:44,122 --> 00:14:45,103
Oh, my goodness.

422
00:14:45,341 --> 00:14:46,004
Hello, Tank.

423
00:14:46,395 --> 00:14:47,157
I'm John.

424
00:14:47,370 --> 00:14:50,093
I was thinking about what
you said, honey, and-and maybe

425
00:14:50,108 --> 00:14:52,845
this isn't about a horse; maybe
this is about you struggling

426
00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:54,312
with Sophia getting older.

427
00:14:54,829 --> 00:14:57,972
And so I got you a pet that's
gonna stay little forever.

428
00:14:58,667 --> 00:15:00,135
Oh, thanks, Joanie.

429
00:15:00,408 --> 00:15:02,409
You're so welcome, sweetheart.

430
00:15:02,937 --> 00:15:03,914
I love you.

431
00:15:04,293 --> 00:15:05,779
- (growls, barks)
- (gasps)

432
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:07,708
Seriously?

433
00:15:08,831 --> 00:15:09,892
Bitches love me.

434
00:15:12,855 --> 00:15:14,044
Did you get me a prostitute?

435
00:15:14,088 --> 00:15:16,457
- No, he's a dancer.
- Classy.

436
00:15:16,706 --> 00:15:18,749
But if you tip him enough,
he will have sex with you.

437
00:15:18,963 --> 00:15:20,863
_

438
00:15:21,104 --> 00:15:23,205
(sportscaster speaking indistinctly)

439
00:15:23,206 --> 00:15:25,606
(chattering, shouting indistinctly)

440
00:15:25,882 --> 00:15:26,997
- Look at him.
- Just...

441
00:15:27,047 --> 00:15:29,077
behaving as if nothing ever happened.

442
00:15:29,368 --> 00:15:32,179
The best relationship
he's ever had is over,

443
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,763
and he's just sitting
there eating hot wings.

444
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:38,252
And I'll bet you Colleen is just
drowning in tequila right now.

445
00:15:38,766 --> 00:15:39,720
That's not racist.

446
00:15:39,722 --> 00:15:41,530
No, no, Latinos can swim.

447
00:15:41,821 --> 00:15:43,193
Do we know what happened?

448
00:15:43,257 --> 00:15:44,727
Yeah, it's the same
thing that always happens.

449
00:15:44,767 --> 00:15:47,495
He meets somebody great,
they want a commitment,

450
00:15:47,497 --> 00:15:51,465
he freaks out, and then he
dumps them, like an idiot.

451
00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:52,933
Yeah. And he told you that?

452
00:15:52,935 --> 00:15:54,768
No, he told me to mind my own business.

453
00:15:54,770 --> 00:15:56,437
Wow. Rude.

454
00:15:57,179 --> 00:15:57,771
Oh.

455
00:15:58,659 --> 00:15:59,388
(Jen clears throat)

456
00:15:59,437 --> 00:16:03,110
Hey, honey, uh, what has Matt
told you about the breakup?

457
00:16:03,112 --> 00:16:06,857
Oh. You know, I wish I could
tell you, but can't... bro code.

458
00:16:08,173 --> 00:16:09,374
Yeah, you don't remember, do you?

459
00:16:11,820 --> 00:16:13,787
Uh, maybe he said he was sad.

460
00:16:14,904 --> 00:16:15,680
JEN: Mm-hmm.

461
00:16:15,714 --> 00:16:17,162
Or fine or maybe happy.

462
00:16:18,794 --> 00:16:19,827
You're a good listener.

463
00:16:19,829 --> 00:16:20,505
Thanks.

464
00:16:22,864 --> 00:16:25,833
(indistinct shouting, cheering)

465
00:16:25,835 --> 00:16:27,467
Ugh, poor Colleen.

466
00:16:27,469 --> 00:16:28,615
Yeah, we got to do something.

467
00:16:29,271 --> 00:16:31,433
- Hey, what if we had a girls' night?
- (gasps)

468
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:33,027
You know, like, to let her
know we're still friends.

469
00:16:33,041 --> 00:16:35,688
Oh, yes, I have such
a great idea for that.

470
00:16:35,713 --> 00:16:36,246
Wait, me, too.

471
00:16:36,366 --> 00:16:37,998
Wouldn't it be cool if
we had the same idea?

472
00:16:38,011 --> 00:16:39,382
- Yeah.
- Okay, let's say 'em at the same time.

473
00:16:39,395 --> 00:16:39,771
- Ready?
- Okay.

474
00:16:40,098 --> 00:16:44,184
- Three, two, one. Get wasted.
- YouTube dance tutorials.

475
00:16:45,577 --> 00:16:46,477
We could do both of those things.

476
00:16:46,496 --> 00:16:47,341
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

477
00:16:47,576 --> 00:16:48,421
Or we could just do mine.

478
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,185
All right, here, to girls' night.

479
00:16:52,241 --> 00:16:53,475
HEATHER: Girls' night.

480
00:16:53,515 --> 00:16:54,765
- I need this so bad.
- Yeah.

481
00:16:54,885 --> 00:16:55,544
I've been a wreck.

482
00:16:55,817 --> 00:16:57,001
Oh, honey, it's gonna be okay.

483
00:16:57,121 --> 00:16:58,934
Mmm. You know what we're gonna do?

484
00:16:59,622 --> 00:17:01,843
We are gonna dance the
sad right out of you.

485
00:17:01,867 --> 00:17:03,533
I was thinking we start
with the Charleston,

486
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:05,718
and then we just move
forward chronologically.

487
00:17:05,764 --> 00:17:07,782
Yeah, and by the time you
get to the Electric Slide,

488
00:17:07,828 --> 00:17:09,516
you're really gonna feel better,

489
00:17:09,586 --> 00:17:11,924
- because you're going to be bombed.
- (imitates explosion)

490
00:17:11,959 --> 00:17:14,226
Oh, I don't know if anything
can make me feel any better.

491
00:17:14,398 --> 00:17:16,538
I'm just so sad that it's come to this.

492
00:17:16,564 --> 00:17:18,598
Well, I got a little someone coming

493
00:17:18,618 --> 00:17:20,601
who's gonna make you feel real good.

494
00:17:20,721 --> 00:17:23,951
- Hey, what did you do?
- No, I didn't do him, but Colleen can.

495
00:17:24,071 --> 00:17:25,292
Did you get me a prostitute?

496
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:26,542
What? No. (scoffs)

497
00:17:26,662 --> 00:17:27,806
What do you take me for?

498
00:17:27,832 --> 00:17:29,495
No, he's a dancer.

499
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:30,658
Classy.

500
00:17:30,906 --> 00:17:33,132
But if you tip him enough,
he will have sex with you.

501
00:17:33,134 --> 00:17:34,434
HEATHER: (gasps) Oh, this is perfect.

502
00:17:34,436 --> 00:17:35,368
Yeah, it's gonna be good.

503
00:17:35,434 --> 00:17:38,439
This could be just the thing
that makes Matt jealous,

504
00:17:38,626 --> 00:17:41,140
that he'll just come
running-man back to you.

505
00:17:41,634 --> 00:17:42,368
Jealous?

506
00:17:42,388 --> 00:17:43,184
- Yeah, jealous.
- Yes.

507
00:17:43,202 --> 00:17:44,508
You guys haven't talked
to Matt, have you?

508
00:17:44,579 --> 00:17:45,811
- No way.
- Hell no.

509
00:17:45,813 --> 00:17:47,785
- Team Colleen.
- Hos before bros.

510
00:17:47,905 --> 00:17:48,839
I broke up with him.

511
00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:50,641
- What's that?
- Shut the front door.

512
00:17:50,696 --> 00:17:51,969
You just said you missed him.

513
00:17:51,977 --> 00:17:52,815
I do.

514
00:17:52,935 --> 00:17:55,329
Well, then why did you
break up with him, Colleen?

515
00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:57,455
Because Matt's a great guy.

516
00:17:57,882 --> 00:17:59,111
I got scared.

517
00:17:59,609 --> 00:18:03,696
Matt fits into some really bad
patterns in my family history.

518
00:18:04,099 --> 00:18:06,727
Heather, there is a doctor
here to see you guys.

519
00:18:06,766 --> 00:18:08,316
I cannot believe you're calling in

520
00:18:08,339 --> 00:18:10,169
outside help when I'm right here.

521
00:18:10,171 --> 00:18:12,171
♪ I like the way you do it, honey ♪

522
00:18:12,173 --> 00:18:13,239
♪ Especially when we do that... ♪

523
00:18:13,241 --> 00:18:15,346
Oh. Oh, I get it, yeah.

524
00:18:15,654 --> 00:18:16,429
Okay.

525
00:18:18,727 --> 00:18:20,285
- (gunfire, explosions)
- (cell phone buzzes)

526
00:18:20,337 --> 00:18:21,937
_

527
00:18:25,261 --> 00:18:26,461
_

528
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:30,122
(stammering)

529
00:18:34,546 --> 00:18:35,446
_

530
00:18:38,370 --> 00:18:40,670
_

531
00:18:43,198 --> 00:18:44,186
(groans)

532
00:18:44,805 --> 00:18:46,205
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

533
00:18:46,922 --> 00:18:48,803
- Matt, Chad...
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

534
00:18:48,829 --> 00:18:50,291
my three boyfriends before that.

535
00:18:50,332 --> 00:18:51,619
None of them had steady jobs.

536
00:18:51,786 --> 00:18:54,300
And all of them were these
dreamers addicted to romance.

537
00:18:54,310 --> 00:18:56,460
- Yeah, you really do only date your father.
- Yeah.

538
00:18:56,991 --> 00:18:59,162
You guys only got me
for another 18 minutes.

539
00:18:59,197 --> 00:19:00,493
You want me to dance or anything?

540
00:19:01,105 --> 00:19:03,523
- Um...
- Can you unload the dishwasher?

541
00:19:07,068 --> 00:19:08,100
(sighs)

542
00:19:08,343 --> 00:19:09,791
Anyway, I've done some soul-searching,

543
00:19:09,911 --> 00:19:11,470
and I think I've finally figured it out.

544
00:19:11,472 --> 00:19:13,853
- I haven't told anybody this...
- HEATHER: I think that sounds

545
00:19:13,885 --> 00:19:15,978
like a natural stopping
point right there.

546
00:19:15,990 --> 00:19:18,811
So great to catch up with
you. Really, really fun.

547
00:19:18,813 --> 00:19:20,571
- What are you do...?
- We're just getting into it.

548
00:19:20,691 --> 00:19:21,619
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

549
00:19:21,685 --> 00:19:23,115
No, this has been a good hang,

550
00:19:23,117 --> 00:19:24,179
but I think it's time to bye-bye.

551
00:19:24,219 --> 00:19:26,026
- Oh, that's... that's it?
- Yeah.

552
00:19:26,081 --> 00:19:27,528
Where do your serving spoons go?

553
00:19:27,648 --> 00:19:28,894
Second drawer to the left.

554
00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:29,759
Thank you, Doctor.

555
00:19:29,879 --> 00:19:31,308
I really love bonding
with you. Next time

556
00:19:31,332 --> 00:19:33,158
let's not dwell on Matt.
You know, he's gone.

557
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:35,364
Who the hell have you been talking t...?

558
00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:39,900
- Hey.
- Hey.

559
00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:42,534
Uh, hanging out with my sisters?

560
00:19:42,536 --> 00:19:44,569
Yeah. Yeah, thought I'd give it a try.

561
00:19:44,983 --> 00:19:46,438
Was worried it might be weird.

562
00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:47,606
Turns out I'm right.

563
00:19:49,608 --> 00:19:50,909
How are you... how are you doing?

564
00:19:51,244 --> 00:19:52,224
Fine. You?

565
00:19:52,975 --> 00:19:54,169
Fine. Also.

566
00:19:54,533 --> 00:19:54,983
Great.

567
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:56,153
Okay.

568
00:19:56,936 --> 00:19:57,725
- Bye.
- Bye.

569
00:20:05,528 --> 00:20:06,761
(sighs)

570
00:20:06,808 --> 00:20:11,463
I came in here to yell at
you, and, uh, now I'm just sad.

571
00:20:12,568 --> 00:20:13,500
Why didn't you tell me

572
00:20:13,518 --> 00:20:15,089
that she's the one
who broke up with you?

573
00:20:15,485 --> 00:20:16,742
Because the only thing that's worse

574
00:20:16,765 --> 00:20:18,817
than you thinking I'm a jerk
is you feeling sorry for me.

575
00:20:18,848 --> 00:20:20,224
Come on, I don't feel sorry for you.

576
00:20:20,248 --> 00:20:21,406
I feel sorry for her.

577
00:20:21,408 --> 00:20:23,512
Clearly, she's a dysfunctional fool.

578
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,908
Who I'm totally in love with
and can't stop thinking about.

579
00:20:28,627 --> 00:20:29,910
I think I can help you with that.

580
00:20:30,216 --> 00:20:31,467
Oh, I hope so.

581
00:20:32,882 --> 00:20:33,651
Who's that?

582
00:20:33,653 --> 00:20:36,521
- WOMAN: And pump it.
- ♪ Everybody move ♪

583
00:20:36,523 --> 00:20:38,638
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

584
00:20:39,032 --> 00:20:40,091
I actually do feel better.

585
00:20:40,423 --> 00:20:41,292
Right?

586
00:20:44,530 --> 00:20:45,885
DANCER: Mmm, yeah, girl.

587
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:51,520
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -