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Please welcome Alonzo Bodden!
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Yes!
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Yes!
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How you guys doing?
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All right!
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All right, yeah!
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Yeah!
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I like this.
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I like...
What's up, up top?
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Yes!
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This is nice.
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What's up, up there?
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Chicago!
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I like it.
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I like it, man.
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What's up, Chicago?
How you guys doing?
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I'm-I'm happy to be here.
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It is, yeah, it is great.
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I-I love your city.
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I lo... I just got through
touring Canada.
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I got to admit,
I got to admit
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I love my country,
I love the United States,
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but when it comes
to certain issues,
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it's kind of nice
being in Canada.
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Like, in Canada, they have
a thing called health care.
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And-and it's not
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a sin to have health care.
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I don't, how did that
become the issue
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that we became so divided over?
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You know what I mean?
Like, people get so...
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Congress, they get
so upset over health care.
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In Canada,
they have health care.
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Now, I don't know
the history of Canada.
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I don't know how it started.
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But I imagine
that, some time, in Canada,
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somebody said,
"Hey, people are getting sick."
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And somebody else said,
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"We should take care of them."
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And then they had health care.
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In the United States,
President Obama
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came up with a health care plan.
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The Republicans are like,
"Health care for poor people?
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"We will shut down
the government...
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in the name of Jesus."
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'Cause they...
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They always slip Jesus in
on things Jesus
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would have nothing to do with.
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Right? Like...
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Listen, I'm not biblical;
I'm not an expert;
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but I'm pretty confident Jesus
would be okay with health care.
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You know, it just seems
like the kind of thing
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he'd go along, you know?
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Jesus used to lay hands
on the sick.
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I don't think he ever asked
a leper if he had insurance.
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Uh...
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What? No insurance?
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I don't lay hands
on uninsured lepers.
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Who let you in here?
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Now, listen, you put
your legs back in the basket
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and crawl your ass out of here.
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How dare you!
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It-it, you-you don't know
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how bad your health insurance is
till you go to use it.
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I found out I have some
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raggedy-ass
health insurance, man.
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I went to the doctor,
my doctor was like,
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"Look, if anything
ever happens to you,
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"get in the car...
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"because your car insurance
is so much better
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than your health insurance..."
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He told me.
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He was like,
"If you feel bad,
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"you crash into something,
let the airbag hit you,
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and I might be able
to save your ass."
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Because my health insurance
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got a whole column
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that's just labeled:
"Let him die."
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Just let him go.
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If he got that, nah,
he ain't gonna make it.
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Don't waste no money.
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I don't know.
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You got, you got to have
health insurance, right?
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'Cause you might get sick.
You never know
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when something
might happen, right?
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Ebola? Anybody?
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Anybody...
no-nobody got the Ebola?
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You-you, it-it...
Every time, there's always
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these diseases
that we're all gonna get,
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we're all gonna die,
then it goes away
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and nobody knows
what happened to it.
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Six months ago,
we were all gonna get Ebola.
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Everybody was gonna...
Did anyone else notice
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that Ebola disappeared the day
after the mid-term elections?
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Right?
We were, like...
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We were all gonna get Ebola.
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The Republicans won Congress.
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Suddenly the news was like,
"Look at Kim Kardashian's ass.
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How about that?
It just..."
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It went away.
But I... what...?
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Ebola hits New York City!
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I'm from New York.
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New York is an angry-ass city.
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You think New York
got time for Ebola?
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New York will run
that shit off to Jersey.
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You understand?
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New York, they'd be,
"I ain't got...
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Get across the bridge!"
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I live in L.A. now.
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Let me tell you something...
if Ebola caused weight loss,
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you couldn't
keep it on the shelves.
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Women just be lined up
at Whole Foods like,
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"Girl, I got to get
some of that Ebola! That..."
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Never know, man.
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Measles is back, right?
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Which people is say is bad.
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I don't know if it's bad.
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Might not be a bad thing.
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Because maybe measles is back,
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they'll call it retro
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and all the hipsters
will get it and die.
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Yes.
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I'm sorry, there is no more
annoying group of people
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than the hip... Whenever
I see one of them beards
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and-and-and they,
and they wear the skinny jeans.
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They wear the tight-ass jeans.
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And I never, I don't understand
a man in skinny jeans.
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I ain't never seen
a woman, like,
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"Ooh, I want my man
in some skinny jeans!
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"There ain't nothing
like a man...
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"I want them
just tight and smooth.
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"No package at all.
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Just smooth, tight-ass jeans."
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But they have
to wear skinny jeans,
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'cause they're so skinny.
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I've never seen grown men
with zero muscle development.
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Like...
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there must be no protein
in a kale salad, because...
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like, you see them,
their arm has no taper.
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The shoulder and the wrist
are the same size.
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Really, if you're a young woman,
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if you can't open the jar,
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the jar's not getting opened.
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Because...
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the hipster would
actually snap his elbow
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trying to apply torque...
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And they smoke
electronic cigarettes.
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And there is nothing
more bitch-ass...
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...than...
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...a grown man as he puffs
on flavored steam.
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All right?
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Listen, you're a man.
You want to smoke?
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You risk cancer like a man.
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You don't walk up to me puffing
cherry jubilee for God's sake.
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'Cause the minute I smell it,
I just slap the shit
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right out of their mouth.
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And you can do that,
'cause they're hipsters.
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They won't hit back.
They'll...
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they'll just write
an angry poem.
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It's what they...
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But-but getting back
to the health thing,
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I'm not saying that-that
the health care plan,
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the Obamacare,
whatever you want to call it,
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it's not perfect.
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There are certain parts of
the plan that don't make sense.
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Like, there's a thing,
they want young people
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to buy health insurance
to offset the older people
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who need insurance,
and that's not gonna work.
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'Cause when you're young,
that is your health insurance.
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Right?
Nothing hurts when you're young.
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Remember when you
were in your 20s?
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Nothing hurt.
You be 22,
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you fall out of a moving car,
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you're like,
"Damn, I ripped my shirt.
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I ripped my shirt
falling out of this car."
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I joke about it,
but the truth is
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I'm actually in good health.
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I've never been
in better health,
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and I know because
I have been through
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some of the most
extensive medical testing
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you can imagine.
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See, recently I donated
a kidney to my brother, right?
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No, don't clap, don't clap,
don't clap.
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Don't clap.
He owed me money.
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I... I was like,
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"I'll be damned
if you're gonna skate out
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"on that bad kidney bullshit,
all right?
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"I got two, you get one.
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"Your ass going back to work.
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That's what we gonna do."
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And-and it wasn't bad.
It wasn't like the old days.
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You know,
where you donate a kidney,
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and you wake up in a bathtub
full of ice in Venezuela.
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Like, they don't do it
that way anymore.
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It's-it's called
laparoscopic surgery, right?
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So they did three
little incisions here.
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And they go in with a camera.
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Then they kind of inflated me,
which is weird.
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Then they do a little cut here,
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and they go in with a hook.
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And they take out
the kidney, right?
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And I'm like,
"That's not surgery.
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"I got friends
go in with a slim jim,
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"and pull that out and they
could do that shit in the dark.
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You know what I'm saying?"
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And I said that to the doctor
and the doctor laughed, right?
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Fortunately, I had a doctor
with a sense of humor,
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because I like
to mess with people, you know.
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So what they do is
you-you come in,
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there's two surgical teams
and they're kind of a mirror.
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One team's gonna
take the kidney out of me.
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The other team's gonna
put the kidney in my brother.
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So there's two surgeons,
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two kidney doctors, doctors,
etcetera.
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We're all in this room...
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me and my brother, the doctors...
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and they show you
on the computer,
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they show you a computer
simulation of the surgery,
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'cause they want to make sure
I'm willing to go through.
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They're like, "Look, now,
you, you have any concern,
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any question,
just let us know."
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And I'm looking, I'm like,
"Yeah, man.
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"This-this looks hard.
You, uh,
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you ever done this before?"
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Right?
And the doctor's laughing.
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He's like,
"What? Are you kidding?"
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And I'm like, "Yeah, like,
you got to go to college
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to do this shit, right?"
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So he's like,
"What do you...?
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"My partner and I,
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"we've done hundreds
of transplants.
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We're like Jordan and Pippen."
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And I was like,
"Your ass better be Jordan."
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That's right. Nah.
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You give my brother Pippen.
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I want Jordan.
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That's right.
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And I want
number 23 Jordan.
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I don't want number 45.
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'Cause he has slowed down,
you know what I'm say...
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The anesthesiologist came in...
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and I wish this was a joke,
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but absolutely true...
he walked in, he said,
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"This is gonna be the most
restful day of your life.
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"I'm gonna put you
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into Michael Jackson sleep."
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And I said, "I better
be black when I wake up."
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I saw what you clowns
did to Mike.
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I ain't having it.
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And my mother
was there, obviously,
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right, 'cause they're
putting both her sons under.
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And if anything goes wrong,
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she stands to collect
a lot of money.
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So I don't blame her
for showing...
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But again,
the surgical technology
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was fascinating, you know?
256
00:10:00,525 --> 00:10:02,393
Like, they showed me
257
00:10:02,395 --> 00:10:04,413
a three-dimensional
X-ray of my body.
258
00:10:04,415 --> 00:10:06,453
It was amazing... all the organs
in place, what's all...
259
00:10:06,455 --> 00:10:09,433
surgical technology... amazing.
260
00:10:09,435 --> 00:10:10,593
However...
261
00:10:10,595 --> 00:10:13,563
the hospital gown, all right?
262
00:10:13,565 --> 00:10:15,463
For some reason,
263
00:10:15,465 --> 00:10:18,553
this thing hasn't changed ever.
264
00:10:18,555 --> 00:10:21,393
Right?
Like, the first guy made one.
265
00:10:21,395 --> 00:10:22,433
They're like, "Wow, nailed it.
266
00:10:22,435 --> 00:10:23,583
"First shot.
267
00:10:23,585 --> 00:10:27,573
No, we see no need to ever
improve on that design."
268
00:10:27,575 --> 00:10:30,593
Like, first of all,
it had to have been designed
269
00:10:30,595 --> 00:10:34,543
when people were
about four feet tall, right?
270
00:10:34,545 --> 00:10:36,563
'Cause it's only this long.
It's-it comes to right here.
271
00:10:36,565 --> 00:10:39,433
And the back is fully open
272
00:10:39,435 --> 00:10:41,553
with two long strings
273
00:10:41,555 --> 00:10:45,463
that no one in the hospital
knows how to tie.
274
00:10:45,465 --> 00:10:46,573
They-they just give it to you.
275
00:10:46,575 --> 00:10:48,523
And you're like, "No, can't...
276
00:10:48,525 --> 00:10:50,413
No, this is..."
277
00:10:50,415 --> 00:10:54,443
So now, you're wearing
the open back miniskirt.
278
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,543
Right? Not a good look
for anybody.
279
00:10:56,545 --> 00:10:58,543
And they're about to put me out.
280
00:10:58,545 --> 00:11:00,533
And they, and they, and if
you've ever had surgery,
281
00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,553
you know when you're out,
your ass is out, right?
282
00:11:02,555 --> 00:11:04,513
Like, I have no recollection
of this surgery.
283
00:11:04,515 --> 00:11:06,533
People, like,
"How'd surgery go?"
284
00:11:06,535 --> 00:11:08,423
I'm like,
"They could've taken extra shit.
285
00:11:08,425 --> 00:11:10,473
I don't know what they did."
286
00:11:10,475 --> 00:11:12,403
But they told me, they said,
"When you're waking up,
287
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,563
"when you're coming
out of Michael Jackson sleep,
288
00:11:13,565 --> 00:11:16,463
"the important thing
is we need you to get up, right?
289
00:11:16,465 --> 00:11:17,603
"That's how we know you're okay.
290
00:11:17,605 --> 00:11:19,483
We need... So..."
291
00:11:19,485 --> 00:11:20,553
I'm like, "I got it.
I can get up. I got it."
292
00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,473
So-so they knock me out,
they do the surgery.
293
00:11:22,475 --> 00:11:23,483
So now I'm in the recovery room.
294
00:11:23,485 --> 00:11:24,563
And you're high, you know.
295
00:11:24,565 --> 00:11:26,473
You're like, "Whoa," right?
296
00:11:26,475 --> 00:11:28,413
But-but I gotta get up, right?
I'm focused.
297
00:11:28,415 --> 00:11:31,603
So-so I swing one leg
out of the bed, right?
298
00:11:31,605 --> 00:11:33,483
And then I swing
the other leg out
299
00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:34,543
and I stood up.
300
00:11:34,545 --> 00:11:36,443
And there's my mother
301
00:11:36,445 --> 00:11:37,463
and there's my junk,
right there.
302
00:11:37,465 --> 00:11:38,543
"Just take a look at that, Ma.
303
00:11:38,545 --> 00:11:41,383
"Wow, they shaved it.
304
00:11:41,385 --> 00:11:44,423
Just like last time
you saw it, huh?"
305
00:11:44,425 --> 00:11:47,543
Not a good day for Mom.
306
00:11:47,545 --> 00:11:51,563
She had to do that twice,
so that's not good.
307
00:11:51,565 --> 00:11:53,563
Uh... so, anyway,
308
00:11:53,565 --> 00:11:55,533
so I was talking about Canada.
309
00:11:55,535 --> 00:11:58,433
You know, again,
social issues, right?
310
00:11:58,435 --> 00:11:59,533
Gay marriage.
There's another one.
311
00:11:59,535 --> 00:12:01,533
Like, we've been going
back and forth
312
00:12:01,535 --> 00:12:03,493
over gay marriage
for ten years.
313
00:12:03,495 --> 00:12:04,583
The Canadian
gay marriage debate,
314
00:12:04,585 --> 00:12:07,483
I think that lasted
about two minutes.
315
00:12:07,485 --> 00:12:09,573
All right? They were like,
"Gays want to get married.
316
00:12:09,575 --> 00:12:12,425
Well, it's cold."
317
00:12:14,415 --> 00:12:15,583
Right?
And that was it.
318
00:12:15,585 --> 00:12:18,383
We... we finally...
319
00:12:20,375 --> 00:12:22,393
It's amazing
how long it took you
320
00:12:22,395 --> 00:12:25,443
to figure that one out.
321
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:28,433
We finally have
come up with, like,
322
00:12:28,435 --> 00:12:30,423
we have gay marriage now,
323
00:12:30,425 --> 00:12:33,383
but it's, like, they hate it
so much, they get so angry,
324
00:12:33,385 --> 00:12:35,383
that they've come up
with these new laws to stop...
325
00:12:35,385 --> 00:12:37,493
They have these
"religious freedom laws."
326
00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:39,453
And again,
it's the most backwards,
327
00:12:39,455 --> 00:12:41,383
twisted use of religion.
328
00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:43,373
Like, we-we have our religion,
329
00:12:43,375 --> 00:12:44,543
gives us the freedom
330
00:12:44,545 --> 00:12:46,603
to discriminate
against certain people.
331
00:12:46,605 --> 00:12:49,383
You know, like, again,
Jesus was big on discriminating
332
00:12:49,385 --> 00:12:51,543
against people, right? So...
333
00:12:51,545 --> 00:12:53,583
So the way it works,
they have these...
334
00:12:53,585 --> 00:12:56,393
If I don't want to serve,
like, gay weddings, right?
335
00:12:56,395 --> 00:12:57,443
Like, I don't have to.
336
00:12:57,445 --> 00:12:59,383
So in Indiana,
337
00:12:59,385 --> 00:13:00,583
we had a pizzeria
338
00:13:00,585 --> 00:13:04,373
that refused to serve pizza
339
00:13:04,375 --> 00:13:05,543
to gay weddings.
340
00:13:05,545 --> 00:13:09,533
Not that any gay wedding
ever ordered pizza.
341
00:13:09,535 --> 00:13:11,453
Right? There's never been
a gay wedding
342
00:13:11,455 --> 00:13:13,543
where they were like, "Man, you
know what we need, man, is
343
00:13:13,545 --> 00:13:15,473
some good pizza."
Right? But...
344
00:13:15,475 --> 00:13:19,513
But-but they said it is
within their religious freedom
345
00:13:19,515 --> 00:13:22,583
to not serve pizza
to gay weddings
346
00:13:22,585 --> 00:13:25,383
that have never asked for pizza.
347
00:13:25,385 --> 00:13:27,393
And just to make sure
348
00:13:27,395 --> 00:13:29,383
that they don't lose any money
349
00:13:29,385 --> 00:13:33,373
not serving pizza to people
who didn't want pizza,
350
00:13:33,375 --> 00:13:35,593
they started a GoFundMe page
351
00:13:35,595 --> 00:13:37,573
to raise money to offset
352
00:13:37,575 --> 00:13:39,473
the money that
they were gonna lose
353
00:13:39,475 --> 00:13:42,413
not serving pizza
354
00:13:42,415 --> 00:13:44,513
to people who don't want pizza.
355
00:13:44,515 --> 00:13:47,393
And they-they raised $800,000
356
00:13:47,395 --> 00:13:49,533
to make sure they never
have to serve pizza
357
00:13:49,535 --> 00:13:52,513
to gay people
that don't want pizza.
358
00:13:52,515 --> 00:13:55,403
And in light
of this information,
359
00:13:55,405 --> 00:13:57,563
I, Alonzo Bodden,
will now announce
360
00:13:57,565 --> 00:14:00,523
that I will not do comedy
361
00:14:00,525 --> 00:14:02,453
at gay weddings
362
00:14:02,455 --> 00:14:05,523
that have never asked me
to do comedy.
363
00:14:05,525 --> 00:14:07,463
And just to make sure
364
00:14:07,465 --> 00:14:08,563
I never have to do comedy
365
00:14:08,565 --> 00:14:11,413
at a gay wedding
that doesn't want comedy,
366
00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:13,565
I have started a GoFundMe page.
367
00:14:16,485 --> 00:14:19,603
Send your money
so I don't have to do comedy
368
00:14:19,605 --> 00:14:24,485
for gays who don't want it,
just like Jesus said.
369
00:14:27,485 --> 00:14:30,523
It is, it is unbelievable
370
00:14:30,525 --> 00:14:32,593
the divisions we have.
Like race.
371
00:14:32,595 --> 00:14:35,433
Race is still an issue
in this country.
372
00:14:35,435 --> 00:14:37,443
You'd think, by now,
we'd have worked out something.
373
00:14:37,445 --> 00:14:38,573
But what's amazing...
374
00:14:38,575 --> 00:14:40,493
not only is racism,
like, coming back bigger,
375
00:14:40,495 --> 00:14:43,373
but the places that...
376
00:14:43,375 --> 00:14:45,483
it's colleges and universities,
377
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,373
that you would think would be
378
00:14:47,375 --> 00:14:48,593
the most open-minded places
in the world...
379
00:14:48,595 --> 00:14:51,373
the most blatant racism.
380
00:14:51,375 --> 00:14:53,413
University of Oklahoma,
they have a fraternity
381
00:14:53,415 --> 00:14:55,393
just singing a song, like,
382
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,573
"Hang a nigger from a tree,
no niggers in the fraternity."
383
00:14:57,575 --> 00:14:59,563
And I'm listening to this,
I'm like, "Yeah?
384
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:03,453
What if all the niggers
quit the football team?"
385
00:15:03,455 --> 00:15:05,583
Oh, there'd be a whole new song
then, wouldn't there?
386
00:15:05,585 --> 00:15:08,583
"Oh, we need our niggers back!
387
00:15:08,585 --> 00:15:10,493
"Where's our niggers at?
388
00:15:10,495 --> 00:15:13,463
We can't win, ah!"
389
00:15:13,465 --> 00:15:15,543
And I thought
that would've been great,
390
00:15:15,545 --> 00:15:17,513
if all the black players
had, like, just quit
391
00:15:17,515 --> 00:15:19,473
the basketball
and football teams.
392
00:15:19,475 --> 00:15:22,373
But here's the thing:
they couldn't do that,
393
00:15:22,375 --> 00:15:23,553
because the NCAA,
394
00:15:23,555 --> 00:15:25,513
which is the organization
that runs college football,
395
00:15:25,515 --> 00:15:27,503
there's a rule that
if you quit the team,
396
00:15:27,505 --> 00:15:29,453
like, you lose your scholarship
397
00:15:29,455 --> 00:15:31,493
and if you go somewhere else,
you have to wait a year to play.
398
00:15:31,495 --> 00:15:32,603
They control everything.
399
00:15:32,605 --> 00:15:34,563
And a lot of people
were mad about this.
400
00:15:34,565 --> 00:15:36,543
They said, "You're-you're
controlling these kids."
401
00:15:36,545 --> 00:15:38,383
They said it's like slavery.
402
00:15:38,385 --> 00:15:39,463
And I said, "That's ridiculous."
403
00:15:39,465 --> 00:15:41,543
College football
is nothing like slavery,
404
00:15:41,545 --> 00:15:45,433
because slavery were big,
white institutions
405
00:15:45,435 --> 00:15:47,543
run by rich, white men
406
00:15:47,545 --> 00:15:50,463
where young, black men
did all the work.
407
00:15:50,465 --> 00:15:53,473
But, see, college football's
nothing like that.
408
00:15:53,475 --> 00:15:56,513
College football is where
they have big, white scho...
409
00:15:56,515 --> 00:15:59,583
All right, so that's
not the best example, but...
410
00:16:03,605 --> 00:16:05,583
A-And I'm not saying
411
00:16:05,585 --> 00:16:08,393
that white kids
can't play football.
412
00:16:08,395 --> 00:16:09,453
But let's be honest.
413
00:16:09,455 --> 00:16:10,583
If you see an all-white team,
414
00:16:10,585 --> 00:16:12,553
I think we know
which way you gonna bet.
415
00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:15,483
All right? Just...
416
00:16:15,485 --> 00:16:16,553
It's unbelievable.
417
00:16:16,555 --> 00:16:18,423
Racism in sports, man.
418
00:16:18,425 --> 00:16:19,503
I'm in L.A., all right?
419
00:16:19,505 --> 00:16:20,553
We got the L.A. Clippers.
420
00:16:20,555 --> 00:16:22,583
Last year,
middle of the play-offs,
421
00:16:22,585 --> 00:16:24,503
the owner of the Clippers
just comes out
422
00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:27,393
"I don't want black people
at my games!"
423
00:16:27,395 --> 00:16:31,433
You own an NBA franchise.
424
00:16:31,435 --> 00:16:35,373
You talk about
not knowing your product!
425
00:16:35,375 --> 00:16:38,483
You don't want black people
at a basketball game?
426
00:16:38,485 --> 00:16:40,443
That's like having a Starbucks
427
00:16:40,445 --> 00:16:42,525
and saying, "Why are they here
so early in the morning?"
428
00:16:47,455 --> 00:16:49,433
It was ridiculous.
429
00:16:49,435 --> 00:16:51,493
And, uh, you know,
and I was upset, right?
430
00:16:51,495 --> 00:16:53,443
'Cause I had tickets
to the game.
431
00:16:53,445 --> 00:16:56,483
But now I'm not sure if I can go
to the game or not,
432
00:16:56,485 --> 00:16:59,393
'cause I don't know
what black people are gonna do.
433
00:16:59,395 --> 00:17:00,603
Let me tell you right now,
you don't want to be black
434
00:17:00,605 --> 00:17:02,433
and do some un-black shit.
435
00:17:02,435 --> 00:17:03,603
All right? You're like...
436
00:17:03,605 --> 00:17:06,393
I don't want to be
the only brother at the game.
437
00:17:06,395 --> 00:17:08,593
But I don't know
what the plan is.
438
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,563
Because the game was coming up
439
00:17:10,565 --> 00:17:14,523
before the next meeting.
440
00:17:14,525 --> 00:17:16,443
Some of you are laughing,
441
00:17:16,445 --> 00:17:17,535
some of you are like,
"I knew they had meetings!
442
00:17:19,465 --> 00:17:21,373
"I knew it!
443
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:24,385
I never see Leroy
on Wednesday nights."
444
00:17:27,415 --> 00:17:29,583
Fortunately, fortunately,
the NBA did the right thing.
445
00:17:29,585 --> 00:17:32,453
You know, they banned
Donald Sterling, right?
446
00:17:32,455 --> 00:17:34,493
Said the team's gonna get
a new owner and everything.
447
00:17:34,495 --> 00:17:35,573
Everybody went to the game.
448
00:17:35,575 --> 00:17:36,603
Very exciting, very good,
449
00:17:36,605 --> 00:17:38,553
but still a little edgy,
you know?
450
00:17:38,555 --> 00:17:40,533
Like, the riot police
showed up, right?
451
00:17:40,535 --> 00:17:43,573
And what they do, the riot
police come in on horseback
452
00:17:43,575 --> 00:17:45,463
and they line up the horses.
453
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:46,493
That's how
they do crowd control,
454
00:17:46,495 --> 00:17:48,373
there's a row of horses.
455
00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:50,533
And I saw something
I had never seen before.
456
00:17:50,535 --> 00:17:53,383
The horses had face shields on.
457
00:17:53,385 --> 00:17:54,453
Right?
458
00:17:54,455 --> 00:17:55,583
And I'm thinking,
459
00:17:55,585 --> 00:17:58,533
"How mad did they think
the brothers were?"
460
00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:00,563
You know? I've been
around angry people before.
461
00:18:00,565 --> 00:18:02,583
I ain't never been
around somebody so mad
462
00:18:02,585 --> 00:18:06,503
they were ready to punch a horse
in the face.
463
00:18:06,505 --> 00:18:08,483
You know how mad
you have to be to punch
464
00:18:08,485 --> 00:18:09,583
a big-ass horse, y'all?
465
00:18:09,585 --> 00:18:11,413
Fuck a horse up?
466
00:18:11,415 --> 00:18:13,513
Hey, hey, now.
467
00:18:13,515 --> 00:18:16,505
We don't need to involve
PETA in this, relax.
468
00:18:18,535 --> 00:18:20,573
You know?
And we live in an age
469
00:18:20,575 --> 00:18:22,463
of social media, right?
470
00:18:22,465 --> 00:18:24,493
And instant communication.
471
00:18:24,495 --> 00:18:28,413
Which is great, except that
idiots have the same access
472
00:18:28,415 --> 00:18:30,553
to instant communication
as everyone else.
473
00:18:30,555 --> 00:18:32,603
Consequently,
as soon as something happens,
474
00:18:32,605 --> 00:18:34,533
you have to deal
with the idiot opinion.
475
00:18:34,535 --> 00:18:36,403
Right?
So as soon as he said,
476
00:18:36,405 --> 00:18:37,563
"I don't want black people
at the game,"
477
00:18:37,565 --> 00:18:39,463
we had a bunch of people say,
478
00:18:39,465 --> 00:18:41,383
"Well, if you don't want
black people there,
479
00:18:41,385 --> 00:18:43,543
just buy a hockey team," right?
480
00:18:43,545 --> 00:18:45,533
Which... right.
481
00:18:45,535 --> 00:18:47,523
It's... not only is that stupid,
482
00:18:47,525 --> 00:18:50,393
it wouldn't work, because there
are black hockey players now.
483
00:18:50,395 --> 00:18:52,383
Yeah, and not just one or two,
484
00:18:52,385 --> 00:18:54,563
like, there's-there's
a lot of black hockey players,
485
00:18:54,565 --> 00:18:56,563
and I know,
because when you see one,
486
00:18:56,565 --> 00:18:59,483
they don't announce him as
"the black hockey player."
487
00:18:59,485 --> 00:19:01,473
Like...
whenever there's only one,
488
00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:03,473
that's the only thing
you ever gonna hear is:
489
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:05,573
"he the black hockey player."
No, no, there's...
490
00:19:05,575 --> 00:19:08,393
I didn't realize
how many brothers
491
00:19:08,395 --> 00:19:09,503
were playing hockey.
I was like,
492
00:19:09,505 --> 00:19:11,473
"You guys need to start
coming to the meetings,
493
00:19:11,475 --> 00:19:13,573
"so that we would know...
494
00:19:13,575 --> 00:19:16,513
We could lend our support."
495
00:19:16,515 --> 00:19:17,553
Yeah.
496
00:19:17,555 --> 00:19:18,593
Black people are playing hockey.
497
00:19:18,595 --> 00:19:20,603
You know what that means.
498
00:19:20,605 --> 00:19:24,445
NASCAR is nervous as shit.
499
00:19:30,405 --> 00:19:32,563
NASCAR is like, "What?
500
00:19:32,565 --> 00:19:35,453
"They learned to skate?
501
00:19:35,455 --> 00:19:38,535
Shit, they gonna
learn to drive."
502
00:19:40,475 --> 00:19:41,533
It's weird, man.
503
00:19:41,535 --> 00:19:43,383
You-you run into it, you know...
504
00:19:43,385 --> 00:19:45,443
the South,
you still get a lot of...
505
00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:46,583
Like, whenever
I go to the South,
506
00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:48,453
I'll be the first to admit,
507
00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:50,433
I get racially paranoid.
508
00:19:50,435 --> 00:19:51,583
Whenever I have
to go to the South,
509
00:19:51,585 --> 00:19:54,403
I always expect some weird shit
to happen...
510
00:19:54,405 --> 00:19:57,533
and they've never let me down.
511
00:19:57,535 --> 00:19:59,433
I was in Knoxville, Tennessee.
512
00:19:59,435 --> 00:20:01,403
And this woman, like,
"How y'all doing?
513
00:20:01,405 --> 00:20:02,543
Y'all having a good time?
How y'all doing?"
514
00:20:02,545 --> 00:20:04,443
And she looks at me, she says,
515
00:20:04,445 --> 00:20:05,593
"Oh, you don't hear 'y'all'
516
00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:08,443
north of the Mason-Dixon line."
517
00:20:08,445 --> 00:20:10,373
And I was like,
518
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:14,443
"I don't hear 'Mason-Dixon line'
519
00:20:14,445 --> 00:20:16,475
"north of the Mason-Dixon line.
520
00:20:17,575 --> 00:20:21,373
"What year are you living in
521
00:20:21,375 --> 00:20:24,413
"that 'Mason-Dixon line' is an
accurate geographic reference?
522
00:20:24,415 --> 00:20:25,563
"Now let me tell you
something, lady,
523
00:20:25,565 --> 00:20:27,453
"I got a GPS right here.
524
00:20:27,455 --> 00:20:30,413
There is no Mason-Dixon line..."
525
00:20:30,415 --> 00:20:32,563
I'm glad you guys got that joke,
526
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:35,523
'cause when I do it, half the
people don't get that joke.
527
00:20:35,525 --> 00:20:39,373
And it's usually the half below
the Mason-Dixon line, so...
528
00:20:39,375 --> 00:20:41,385
but...
529
00:20:42,545 --> 00:20:44,593
Oh, it's weird, man,
but it's funny.
530
00:20:44,595 --> 00:20:46,423
Like, weird things
happen with race.
531
00:20:46,425 --> 00:20:49,433
I was at
an international comedy festival
532
00:20:49,435 --> 00:20:50,573
and had some of
the strangest experiences...
533
00:20:50,575 --> 00:20:52,483
Like, there was an Asian comic.
534
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,563
She came out and there was
an Asian lady in the audience,
535
00:20:54,565 --> 00:20:57,573
and she asked her,
"What are you?"
536
00:20:57,575 --> 00:20:59,453
Right? And I'm backstage,
537
00:20:59,455 --> 00:21:01,593
and I'm like,
"Shit, you don't know?"
538
00:21:01,595 --> 00:21:04,463
'Cause I always thought that was
kind of racist on my part,
539
00:21:04,465 --> 00:21:06,473
to not know,
and then I realized, like, no,
540
00:21:06,475 --> 00:21:08,463
that's just a cultural thing
541
00:21:08,465 --> 00:21:10,443
and-and it's something
I'm not familiar with, right?
542
00:21:10,445 --> 00:21:12,433
Because black people, we don't
know that about our culture.
543
00:21:12,435 --> 00:21:14,413
Other cultures know that, right?
544
00:21:14,415 --> 00:21:17,473
So you have Asians, they know
the different Asian countries.
545
00:21:17,475 --> 00:21:19,463
You might be Chinese
or Japanese
546
00:21:19,465 --> 00:21:21,483
or Vietnamese
or something like that, right?
547
00:21:21,485 --> 00:21:24,423
If you're Latin, you might be
Dominican or Puerto Rican.
548
00:21:24,425 --> 00:21:25,513
You know, white people,
you might be French,
549
00:21:25,515 --> 00:21:27,593
German or Italian or whatever.
550
00:21:27,595 --> 00:21:29,373
Like, with black people,
551
00:21:29,375 --> 00:21:30,583
you never hear that.
552
00:21:30,585 --> 00:21:33,523
We just black.
Right?
553
00:21:33,525 --> 00:21:35,553
'Cause our history got lost,
so you don't know.
554
00:21:35,555 --> 00:21:37,443
There's a Web site now
555
00:21:37,445 --> 00:21:41,563
where you can send in your DNA
and send money
556
00:21:41,565 --> 00:21:44,453
and they tell you
where in Africa you came from.
557
00:21:44,455 --> 00:21:45,523
And I'm like,
558
00:21:45,525 --> 00:21:46,593
"That sounds good,
559
00:21:46,595 --> 00:21:48,593
"but how the hell do I know
560
00:21:48,595 --> 00:21:50,583
if it's true?"
561
00:21:50,585 --> 00:21:54,393
It might just be
some guy in his basement
562
00:21:54,395 --> 00:21:56,433
with a laptop.
563
00:21:56,435 --> 00:21:57,553
Right?
He's collecting my money
564
00:21:57,555 --> 00:21:59,393
and he's like,
"Uh... you're from, uh,
565
00:21:59,395 --> 00:22:00,593
"Fuck it. The Congo.
566
00:22:00,595 --> 00:22:03,373
Yeah, you're from the Congo."
567
00:22:03,375 --> 00:22:04,453
Right? I don't know.
568
00:22:04,455 --> 00:22:06,443
"Are you, like...
You kind of short?
569
00:22:06,445 --> 00:22:09,533
Yeah, you're a pygmy.
You're a pygmy."
570
00:22:09,535 --> 00:22:11,433
Uh... and it's weird.
571
00:22:11,435 --> 00:22:13,503
And-and at the same thing,
the festival,
572
00:22:13,505 --> 00:22:16,443
I had the strangest
racial encounter I ever had.
573
00:22:16,445 --> 00:22:17,543
And it was strange
574
00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:20,443
because it was
with another black person.
575
00:22:20,445 --> 00:22:22,413
Right?
It was a brother from Africa.
576
00:22:22,415 --> 00:22:23,523
He did his set, very funny,
577
00:22:23,525 --> 00:22:25,393
but after his set,
578
00:22:25,395 --> 00:22:26,483
he starts talking shit to us,
579
00:22:26,485 --> 00:22:27,563
to the brothers
from the United States,
580
00:22:27,565 --> 00:22:30,533
telling us how racism
is worse in Africa
581
00:22:30,535 --> 00:22:32,583
than it is in America.
Right?
582
00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:34,523
And I'm like, "All right, man,
I'll give you that.
583
00:22:34,525 --> 00:22:37,403
Apartheid, much more recent.
You had to deal..."
584
00:22:37,405 --> 00:22:38,483
But he wouldn't let it go.
585
00:22:38,485 --> 00:22:39,593
He talking shit now.
586
00:22:39,595 --> 00:22:42,513
I'm starting to get mad, right?
587
00:22:42,515 --> 00:22:45,543
'Cause while America's not
perfect, it is still my country.
588
00:22:45,545 --> 00:22:47,423
You know, you talk shit, I go,
589
00:22:47,425 --> 00:22:49,415
"You shut your Ebola-ass up,"
you know?
590
00:22:53,395 --> 00:22:55,483
Finally, I find myself
591
00:22:55,485 --> 00:22:58,513
in the most unusual
and awkward position
592
00:22:58,515 --> 00:23:01,533
of defending American racists...
593
00:23:03,495 --> 00:23:06,523
...as some of the greatest
racists in the world.
594
00:23:08,425 --> 00:23:11,443
I'm like, "How dare you
challenge our racism,
595
00:23:11,445 --> 00:23:13,393
"you arrogant son of a bitch!
596
00:23:13,395 --> 00:23:16,593
"You know how long they've been
hating niggers around here?
597
00:23:16,595 --> 00:23:20,523
"Shit, have you ever met
the American hillbilly?
598
00:23:20,525 --> 00:23:24,475
You black and talk funny,
he'll kill you twice."
599
00:23:25,595 --> 00:23:28,383
As I'm saying,
in the back of my head,
600
00:23:28,385 --> 00:23:31,393
there's a voice like, "What
the fuck is wrong with you?"
601
00:23:31,395 --> 00:23:35,483
I was conflicted
in my racial defense.
602
00:23:35,485 --> 00:23:37,413
It's weird, man.
603
00:23:37,415 --> 00:23:38,553
I-I don't know what's funny.
604
00:23:38,555 --> 00:23:40,533
So I watch the news.
605
00:23:40,535 --> 00:23:42,493
People ask me what's funny, they
always ask if you're a comic,
606
00:23:42,495 --> 00:23:44,423
they're like,
"What-what makes you laugh?"
607
00:23:44,425 --> 00:23:46,573
I watch the news,
I laugh my ass off.
608
00:23:46,575 --> 00:23:48,543
The n... It's comical.
609
00:23:48,545 --> 00:23:51,503
Now, you can't watch too much,
'cause you'll get depressed.
610
00:23:51,505 --> 00:23:53,583
But you just watch it
for about 15, 20 minutes,
611
00:23:53,585 --> 00:23:56,523
you'll be like,
"This shit is insane."
612
00:23:56,525 --> 00:23:58,523
It's so funny, like,
'cause-'cause they always...
613
00:23:58,525 --> 00:24:01,523
Like, for one thing,
we don't have any real news.
614
00:24:01,525 --> 00:24:04,573
You have news with different
points of view, right?
615
00:24:04,575 --> 00:24:07,383
So you have, like, liberal news
and the conservative news,
616
00:24:07,385 --> 00:24:10,573
and then you got the fucking "we
just made this shit up" news.
617
00:24:10,575 --> 00:24:13,463
Right? Like-like,
my favorite thing on the news
618
00:24:13,465 --> 00:24:15,443
is when they try to be
politically correct,
619
00:24:15,445 --> 00:24:19,383
they try to not offend anybody,
so they use the codes.
620
00:24:19,385 --> 00:24:21,513
Like we don't know what the hell
they're talking about.
621
00:24:21,515 --> 00:24:25,493
You know, like, "Today,
a group of urban youths..."
622
00:24:27,475 --> 00:24:30,403
"You mean those black kids
behind you?"
623
00:24:30,405 --> 00:24:32,493
There ain't never been
a white urban youth.
624
00:24:32,495 --> 00:24:35,493
I think we're onto you.
625
00:24:35,495 --> 00:24:37,573
"The illegal aliens..."
626
00:24:37,575 --> 00:24:39,553
"Oh, you mean the Mexicans."
627
00:24:39,555 --> 00:24:43,573
Ain't no illegal Canadians
sneaking around.
628
00:24:43,575 --> 00:24:45,553
"She's an outspoken woman."
629
00:24:45,555 --> 00:24:49,393
"Ah, she's being a bitch,
isn't she? Yeah."
630
00:24:49,395 --> 00:24:51,473
See, I know the codes, I know...
631
00:24:51,475 --> 00:24:53,573
"He's a true patriot."
632
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:57,553
"He's a crazy white guy
with a gun."
633
00:24:57,555 --> 00:25:01,403
They ain't never been a black
or Mexican "true patriot"
634
00:25:01,405 --> 00:25:03,523
running around, all right?
635
00:25:03,525 --> 00:25:05,603
You let a black guy
walk around with a gun,
636
00:25:05,605 --> 00:25:07,523
going, "I know my rights."
637
00:25:07,525 --> 00:25:09,383
He'd be, "Yeah, you got
the right to remain s...
638
00:25:09,385 --> 00:25:10,393
You know what, fuck it."
639
00:25:10,395 --> 00:25:11,485
Bang. "Shut up."
640
00:25:13,565 --> 00:25:15,593
It's crazy, 'cause we have...
we have a gun culture
641
00:25:15,595 --> 00:25:17,423
that is... that is unbeliev...
642
00:25:17,425 --> 00:25:19,523
Everyone in America has a gun,
643
00:25:19,525 --> 00:25:21,493
except for black kids
running from the cops.
644
00:25:21,495 --> 00:25:23,373
Those poor bastards.
645
00:25:23,375 --> 00:25:24,583
Uh, look how weird
it got just now, you go...
646
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:28,483
You go, "Hey, don't bring
reality into this shit."
647
00:25:28,485 --> 00:25:31,603
Uh, it-it's unbelievable,
648
00:25:31,605 --> 00:25:34,543
the p-position we've reached
with the police,
649
00:25:34,545 --> 00:25:37,403
with white police killing
unarmed black people.
650
00:25:37,405 --> 00:25:38,453
It's amazing.
651
00:25:38,455 --> 00:25:40,383
And again, you have the news,
652
00:25:40,385 --> 00:25:41,513
it's-it's so hilarious,
the coverage.
653
00:25:41,515 --> 00:25:43,443
Like, you watch
the conservative news,
654
00:25:43,445 --> 00:25:46,423
and they, you know, "white...
white cop kills a black..."
655
00:25:46,425 --> 00:25:48,373
Like, "Why you making it
about race?!"
656
00:25:48,375 --> 00:25:50,483
Well, shit, 'cause it ain't
about height.
657
00:25:52,475 --> 00:25:54,563
All right?
'Cause I seen black people
658
00:25:54,565 --> 00:25:59,553
of all different sizes
getting killed by white cops.
659
00:26:02,535 --> 00:26:05,493
It-it's hilarious,
the-the way they try to justify.
660
00:26:05,495 --> 00:26:07,443
"Well, what about
black-on-black crime?
661
00:26:07,445 --> 00:26:09,453
Gang members kill each other."
662
00:26:09,455 --> 00:26:10,483
I'm, like, "Yeah, you know why?
663
00:26:10,485 --> 00:26:12,483
"'Cause it's their fucking job.
664
00:26:12,485 --> 00:26:14,413
"'Cause when you join a gang,
665
00:26:14,415 --> 00:26:16,373
"I think one of the first
things they tell you:
666
00:26:16,375 --> 00:26:17,483
"'All right, now, do you
remember, this gang?
667
00:26:17,485 --> 00:26:19,453
You got to fucking kill
members of that gang.'"
668
00:26:19,455 --> 00:26:21,433
That's a... You're a cop,
669
00:26:21,435 --> 00:26:23,543
you're supposed to protect us
from shit like that.
670
00:26:23,545 --> 00:26:25,393
And they're like,
"Well, there are good cops."
671
00:26:25,395 --> 00:26:26,463
And it's true,
there are good cops.
672
00:26:26,465 --> 00:26:28,393
There are a lot of good cops.
673
00:26:28,395 --> 00:26:29,593
But how come there's never
a good cop around
674
00:26:29,595 --> 00:26:32,583
when a bad cop is whipping
your ass?
675
00:26:32,585 --> 00:26:35,515
Right? You... never see...
676
00:26:38,395 --> 00:26:41,513
...never see five bad cops
whipping some guy's ass,
677
00:26:41,515 --> 00:26:43,423
and then a good cop
comes along and says,
678
00:26:43,425 --> 00:26:44,583
"Hey, stop this shit."
679
00:26:44,585 --> 00:26:47,443
No, you see five bad cops
whipping somebody's ass,
680
00:26:47,445 --> 00:26:51,463
then you see a sixth bad cop
say, "Fuck, can I get some?"
681
00:26:51,465 --> 00:26:52,583
Bad, man, it's a bad...
682
00:26:52,585 --> 00:26:54,543
It's-it's real, though,
it's real.
683
00:26:54,545 --> 00:26:56,433
'Cause we... we've reached...
684
00:26:56,435 --> 00:26:57,603
There's no common sense.
685
00:26:57,605 --> 00:26:59,493
That-that's the problem,
you know?
686
00:26:59,495 --> 00:27:01,413
Like, like with the gun thing.
687
00:27:01,415 --> 00:27:05,543
Like, Congress tried to ban
armor-piercing bullets, right?
688
00:27:05,545 --> 00:27:07,543
Now, these are bullets,
their only design...
689
00:27:07,545 --> 00:27:09,413
they're designed to kill humans.
690
00:27:09,415 --> 00:27:10,543
That's the only thing
you could use...
691
00:27:10,545 --> 00:27:12,503
That's why it's called
"armor-piercing."
692
00:27:12,505 --> 00:27:14,423
It will go through body armor,
693
00:27:14,425 --> 00:27:17,393
it will go through the side
of a car, it's... and the...
694
00:27:17,395 --> 00:27:19,523
The NRA was like,
"No, you can't ban those.
695
00:27:19,525 --> 00:27:21,533
We need those for hunting."
696
00:27:23,405 --> 00:27:25,523
Now, I'm not a hunter,
all right?
697
00:27:25,525 --> 00:27:28,523
So I can't speak
from experience.
698
00:27:28,525 --> 00:27:31,393
But I think if I'm hunting
699
00:27:31,395 --> 00:27:35,473
and I see a deer wearing
a bulletproof vest,
700
00:27:35,475 --> 00:27:39,393
then I'm-a let that one go.
701
00:27:39,395 --> 00:27:43,393
You know, I'm guessing... fuck,
he knows somebody, you know?
702
00:27:43,395 --> 00:27:44,493
Right?
703
00:27:44,495 --> 00:27:46,373
He wearing a bulletproof vest.
704
00:27:46,375 --> 00:27:47,595
Uh, he got friends and shit.
705
00:27:49,405 --> 00:27:51,563
No common sense.
706
00:27:51,565 --> 00:27:54,373
School shootings have
reached such...
707
00:27:54,375 --> 00:27:56,583
such a proportion,
we're not even shocked anymore
708
00:27:56,585 --> 00:27:58,463
when there's a school shooting.
709
00:27:58,465 --> 00:27:59,523
It's a sad state we're in,
but it's like,
710
00:27:59,525 --> 00:28:01,533
"Oh, fuck, it happened again,"
you know?
711
00:28:01,535 --> 00:28:03,443
Now-now, to their defense,
712
00:28:03,445 --> 00:28:05,573
the NRA did have a plan
to stop school shootings.
713
00:28:05,575 --> 00:28:07,433
Right? They said,
714
00:28:07,435 --> 00:28:10,563
"Well, let's just arm
the teachers."
715
00:28:10,565 --> 00:28:12,533
Well, yeah,
what could go wrong there?
716
00:28:14,515 --> 00:28:16,503
Right? The average
kindergarten teacher
717
00:28:16,505 --> 00:28:19,453
is a 24-year-old woman
fresh out of college.
718
00:28:19,455 --> 00:28:21,473
She's still scared of bugs.
719
00:28:23,485 --> 00:28:25,433
Right?
720
00:28:25,435 --> 00:28:28,563
And you think you just gonna
toss her a high-powered weapon,
721
00:28:28,565 --> 00:28:31,433
and suddenly everything's
gonna be all right?
722
00:28:31,435 --> 00:28:32,603
Yeah, shit will be great.
723
00:28:32,605 --> 00:28:36,583
Until she sees a spider.
724
00:28:36,585 --> 00:28:38,573
Like, "Oh, my God, what happened
to the back row?!"
725
00:28:38,575 --> 00:28:41,553
"Well, Miss Wilson saw a bug,
that's what happened.
726
00:28:41,555 --> 00:28:43,443
"Hey, we yelled, 'Duck.'
727
00:28:43,445 --> 00:28:45,563
"Those kids are slow back there.
You...
728
00:28:45,565 --> 00:28:48,503
Miss Wilson sees a bug,
you got to hit the dirt."
729
00:28:48,505 --> 00:28:52,503
And it's always... it's always
the same argument, right?
730
00:28:52,505 --> 00:28:55,483
From the NRA... "The Second
Amendment to the Constitution.
731
00:28:55,485 --> 00:28:56,553
"We have the right to bear arms.
732
00:28:56,555 --> 00:28:57,593
We need a militia."
733
00:28:57,595 --> 00:28:58,603
And blah, blah, blah.
734
00:28:58,605 --> 00:29:00,523
Like, shut up!
735
00:29:00,525 --> 00:29:02,533
That was written hundreds
of years ago.
736
00:29:02,535 --> 00:29:04,573
You know why they said
we needed a militia?
737
00:29:04,575 --> 00:29:07,493
'Cause we didn't have
an army back then.
738
00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:10,453
We have one now, right?
739
00:29:10,455 --> 00:29:12,383
And one day... one day,
740
00:29:12,385 --> 00:29:14,383
scientists are gonna come up
with a time machine,
741
00:29:14,385 --> 00:29:16,483
and these guys are gonna get
to go back in time
742
00:29:16,485 --> 00:29:18,403
and actually meet
the Founding Fathers
743
00:29:18,405 --> 00:29:20,423
and talk to them about this.
744
00:29:20,425 --> 00:29:21,543
You imagine?
745
00:29:21,545 --> 00:29:23,443
Founding Father'd be, "What?!
746
00:29:23,445 --> 00:29:24,603
"What, machine gun?!
747
00:29:24,605 --> 00:29:27,573
"80-round clip, what the hell
is wrong with you?
748
00:29:27,575 --> 00:29:30,553
"Look at me, I have a musket.
749
00:29:30,555 --> 00:29:34,553
"It takes 20 minutes
to load this damn thing.
750
00:29:34,555 --> 00:29:38,463
"Mass murder, who's got
that kind of time?
751
00:29:38,465 --> 00:29:39,463
"Are you kidding?
752
00:29:39,465 --> 00:29:41,423
"I got crops to bring in.
753
00:29:41,425 --> 00:29:45,533
"'80-round clip,' what else have
you fucked up in the future?!
754
00:29:45,535 --> 00:29:48,413
A black president?!"
755
00:29:50,415 --> 00:29:53,443
"What?
756
00:29:53,445 --> 00:29:55,503
"What the hell
are you people...
757
00:29:55,505 --> 00:29:57,503
Well, who owns him?"
758
00:30:00,395 --> 00:30:01,603
"Free?!
759
00:30:01,605 --> 00:30:05,493
"Free, you mean they just
run around?!
760
00:30:05,495 --> 00:30:08,573
"Well, how do you get
any work done?
761
00:30:08,575 --> 00:30:10,463
What's a Mexican?"
762
00:30:15,475 --> 00:30:17,393
That's right.
763
00:30:17,395 --> 00:30:21,423
Politically incorrect but
historically accurate humor...
764
00:30:21,425 --> 00:30:24,493
just for you, my friends.
765
00:30:24,495 --> 00:30:27,383
That was hilarious to me.
766
00:30:35,435 --> 00:30:37,553
No, I'm just laughing, 'cause
when I said, "Who owns him?",
767
00:30:37,555 --> 00:30:39,533
you guys acted shocked.
768
00:30:39,535 --> 00:30:43,503
Like, "Oh, my God, you mean
they used to own black people?
769
00:30:43,505 --> 00:30:46,373
What is this you talk about?"
770
00:30:46,375 --> 00:30:47,593
Oh, man, I don't know.
771
00:30:47,595 --> 00:30:49,523
I was, like... talking about
the black president, man,
772
00:30:49,525 --> 00:30:51,403
Barack Obama, shit.
773
00:30:51,405 --> 00:30:53,583
I admire Barack Obama, I do.
774
00:30:53,585 --> 00:30:55,575
I do.
775
00:30:58,415 --> 00:31:00,483
'Cause I'm-a tell you right now,
that "black president" shit
776
00:31:00,485 --> 00:31:03,483
ain't working out like
it was in the brochure, is it?
777
00:31:03,485 --> 00:31:06,503
You know, going in, he'd be,
"I'm the first black president.
778
00:31:06,505 --> 00:31:08,483
This is historic,
this is gonna be great."
779
00:31:08,485 --> 00:31:10,583
Now it's been six years,
he, like, "This is bullshit.
780
00:31:10,585 --> 00:31:13,443
You can have this shit."
781
00:31:13,445 --> 00:31:15,553
You know?
It's-it's amazing, it's ama...
782
00:31:15,555 --> 00:31:18,383
Because if you could...
if you could separate
783
00:31:18,385 --> 00:31:21,413
from the racial aspect
and just look at what he's done,
784
00:31:21,415 --> 00:31:22,573
honestly, he's been one
785
00:31:22,575 --> 00:31:24,503
of the greatest presidents
we've ever had, he...
786
00:31:24,505 --> 00:31:25,503
Right? We were...
787
00:31:29,525 --> 00:31:30,593
Right? I mean, let's be honest.
788
00:31:30,595 --> 00:31:32,463
The country was broke;
789
00:31:32,465 --> 00:31:33,543
we were in the middle
of two wars;
790
00:31:33,545 --> 00:31:35,433
people didn't have jobs;
791
00:31:35,435 --> 00:31:36,513
shit was just a mess.
792
00:31:36,515 --> 00:31:38,373
You know, he came in;
793
00:31:38,375 --> 00:31:39,583
he fucking...
he got bin Laden, right?
794
00:31:39,585 --> 00:31:41,463
Saved the auto industry;
795
00:31:41,465 --> 00:31:42,533
unemployment's down, right?
796
00:31:42,535 --> 00:31:44,403
Price of gas is down;
797
00:31:44,405 --> 00:31:46,373
soldiers coming home,
and they're like,
798
00:31:46,375 --> 00:31:47,493
"Man, we hate Barack Obama."
799
00:31:47,495 --> 00:31:48,563
"Why? 'Cause he's black?"
800
00:31:48,565 --> 00:31:50,423
"No, his policies."
801
00:31:50,425 --> 00:31:53,513
Yeah, chief policy...
his ass is black.
802
00:31:53,515 --> 00:31:54,583
That's the number one, I know...
803
00:31:54,585 --> 00:31:56,563
But I, but I admire him.
804
00:31:56,565 --> 00:31:59,573
I admire him 'cause Barack Obama
doesn't snap, right?
805
00:31:59,575 --> 00:32:02,543
He doesn't let it get to him.
He stays right here.
806
00:32:02,545 --> 00:32:03,603
No matter what happens,
he's like,
807
00:32:03,605 --> 00:32:06,373
"I can deal with it,
I'm the president."
808
00:32:06,375 --> 00:32:07,473
Takes the middle of the road,
809
00:32:07,475 --> 00:32:10,373
even when you know,
on some personal level,
810
00:32:10,375 --> 00:32:11,533
that shit has
to bother him, right?
811
00:32:11,535 --> 00:32:15,383
Like, I was talking about cops
killing black kids.
812
00:32:15,385 --> 00:32:17,373
Now, you... He's a black man.
813
00:32:17,375 --> 00:32:20,603
I know, on some level,
that shit has to make him mad.
814
00:32:20,605 --> 00:32:22,603
But he doesn't let it...
He doesn't let you know.
815
00:32:22,605 --> 00:32:24,563
He's like, "I'm-a let the
Justice Department handle it.
816
00:32:24,565 --> 00:32:26,533
"The courts will take
care of it.
817
00:32:26,535 --> 00:32:28,533
Everybody, stay calm."
818
00:32:28,535 --> 00:32:30,473
Just once, I'd like... just...
819
00:32:30,475 --> 00:32:31,593
tell us what you
really think, man.
820
00:32:31,595 --> 00:32:33,503
Just... come...
821
00:32:33,505 --> 00:32:35,413
I'd love Barack Obama
just walk up to the podium,
822
00:32:35,415 --> 00:32:38,383
"Y'all shoot another nigga,
I will unleash the Army!
823
00:32:38,385 --> 00:32:39,463
"Oh, shit, did I say that?
824
00:32:39,465 --> 00:32:40,513
"Did I say...
825
00:32:40,515 --> 00:32:41,473
"Michelle, did I say...?
826
00:32:41,475 --> 00:32:42,525
Oh, my..."
827
00:32:45,545 --> 00:32:47,533
I want to hear
Barack Obama say "nigger"
828
00:32:47,535 --> 00:32:51,513
just so I can watch heads
on Fox News explode.
829
00:32:51,515 --> 00:32:53,393
Like...
830
00:32:53,395 --> 00:32:54,393
Yeah.
831
00:32:56,595 --> 00:33:00,563
That would literally be the one
thing that they couldn't handle.
832
00:33:00,565 --> 00:33:02,543
They'd be, "Oh, my God,
he said, 'nigger.'
833
00:33:02,545 --> 00:33:03,543
Can we say it? No. Aah!"
834
00:33:05,595 --> 00:33:08,383
"Today Bill O'Reilly died."
835
00:33:08,385 --> 00:33:10,593
"What happened?"
"Too many niggers in his head."
836
00:33:10,595 --> 00:33:13,493
Just popped right the fuck off.
837
00:33:13,495 --> 00:33:15,413
I don't know, man.
838
00:33:15,415 --> 00:33:18,403
And-and I mentioned,
I mentioned, uh, the military.
839
00:33:18,405 --> 00:33:20,413
And I got to give a shout-out
to the military,
840
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:23,443
because I-I, I've been, I've
done military shows, I've...
841
00:33:23,445 --> 00:33:25,553
Yeah, you can clap for them,
clap for them.
842
00:33:25,555 --> 00:33:28,415
That's right.
843
00:33:32,575 --> 00:33:35,583
But that's a tough-ass job,
every branch of the military,
844
00:33:35,585 --> 00:33:37,553
and I respect them,
and I'm-I'm fortunate enough
845
00:33:37,555 --> 00:33:39,523
I get to entertain them.
846
00:33:39,525 --> 00:33:41,603
And I like to joke with them,
I like to fuck with all of them.
847
00:33:41,605 --> 00:33:44,603
Except Marines.
848
00:33:44,605 --> 00:33:46,523
I don't mess with Marines, man,
849
00:33:46,525 --> 00:33:49,373
'cause Marines are bad-ass,
you know what I mean? Like...
850
00:33:49,375 --> 00:33:51,603
And you can tell by-by what...
851
00:33:51,605 --> 00:33:53,523
This is how you know what branch
you're dealing with.
852
00:33:53,525 --> 00:33:55,393
The commercials.
853
00:33:55,395 --> 00:33:58,383
Ever watch the commercials
that recruit,
854
00:33:58,385 --> 00:34:00,533
and they always tell you what
you can do after you get out?
855
00:34:00,535 --> 00:34:03,423
Right? Like, you learn
a skill you can use.
856
00:34:03,425 --> 00:34:05,443
You know, so if you're
in the Army, they're like,
857
00:34:05,445 --> 00:34:06,583
"We teach you leadership,"
and shit like that, right?
858
00:34:06,585 --> 00:34:08,513
And then...
and then you come out...
859
00:34:08,515 --> 00:34:10,533
This guy is laughing
'cause he was in the Army.
860
00:34:10,535 --> 00:34:12,523
"Leadership," my ass.
861
00:34:12,525 --> 00:34:14,493
He's like...
he's marching through Iraq,
862
00:34:14,495 --> 00:34:17,493
like, "This shit was not
on the commercial."
863
00:34:17,495 --> 00:34:20,373
But the Army...
they-they tell you that, right?
864
00:34:20,375 --> 00:34:22,453
And then you're in the Navy,
and they show you...
865
00:34:22,455 --> 00:34:24,593
you learn high-tech stuff,
right? The Air Force and...
866
00:34:24,595 --> 00:34:27,603
it's all high-tech, and you can
get a job when you get out.
867
00:34:27,605 --> 00:34:30,453
You ever notice the Marines
never run those commercials?
868
00:34:30,455 --> 00:34:33,483
You know why? 'Cause Marines
learn to kill people.
869
00:34:33,485 --> 00:34:35,413
Like, that's what they do.
870
00:34:35,415 --> 00:34:37,453
Marines are bad-ass.
871
00:34:37,455 --> 00:34:40,493
You can't get a job doing that
after you get out.
872
00:34:40,495 --> 00:34:43,563
You imagine a Marine
at a job interview?
873
00:34:43,565 --> 00:34:45,533
Right? He just comes in.
874
00:34:45,535 --> 00:34:50,463
He's like, "Um, sorry,
I killed your receptionist.
875
00:34:50,465 --> 00:34:55,423
Well, now, I know you didn't
hear it. I'm a Marine."
876
00:34:55,425 --> 00:34:56,513
"Okay."
877
00:34:56,515 --> 00:35:00,543
Man, I hope they laugh
when they see this show.
878
00:35:00,545 --> 00:35:04,543
That could be my ass.
879
00:35:04,545 --> 00:35:07,593
No, but I do. I got a lot
of respect for the troops.
880
00:35:07,595 --> 00:35:10,463
It's weird, but I was joking
about the president. I...
881
00:35:10,465 --> 00:35:12,413
What happened to our government?
882
00:35:12,415 --> 00:35:15,453
When did our government just
lose their damn minds, you know?
883
00:35:15,455 --> 00:35:18,453
Weed is legal in DC now,
you know that?
884
00:35:18,455 --> 00:35:20,423
You can smoke weed in DC.
885
00:35:20,425 --> 00:35:24,373
I hope that's the explanation
for what's going on.
886
00:35:24,375 --> 00:35:28,443
I would love to find out
they're all high right now.
887
00:35:28,445 --> 00:35:30,433
Li-Li-Like, you know,
that would explain shit.
888
00:35:30,435 --> 00:35:33,463
Like, can you imagine the
United States Senate, right?
889
00:35:33,465 --> 00:35:36,383
They're just sitting around
smoking weed, like...
890
00:35:36,385 --> 00:35:38,483
"Man, you know
what we should do?"
891
00:35:40,475 --> 00:35:44,463
"We should write a letter
to Iran.
892
00:35:44,465 --> 00:35:47,603
Yeah, tell 'em the president
don't count. Aah!"
893
00:35:47,605 --> 00:35:51,533
And I'd be, like, "Oh, that
explains that shit."
894
00:35:51,535 --> 00:35:54,515
But, no, man,
the show's about to start again.
895
00:35:56,515 --> 00:36:00,403
When I say the show, I mean
our next presidential election.
896
00:36:00,405 --> 00:36:01,513
'Cause that's what
it's turned into.
897
00:36:01,515 --> 00:36:03,543
It is just...
it's the early candidates.
898
00:36:03,545 --> 00:36:05,553
You always get
the crazy son of a bitches
899
00:36:05,555 --> 00:36:08,433
right up front, right?
900
00:36:08,435 --> 00:36:09,583
Like we have Ben Carson.
901
00:36:09,585 --> 00:36:14,393
No. Look, yeah, I know, I know.
902
00:36:14,395 --> 00:36:16,453
I know,
and it's one of those things.
903
00:36:16,455 --> 00:36:19,443
This is one of the things
that I just don't understand,
904
00:36:19,445 --> 00:36:21,403
but I get it, like,
with black people.
905
00:36:21,405 --> 00:36:22,593
We are... we are united
in the fact
906
00:36:22,595 --> 00:36:24,523
that we're always embarrassed
by a stu...
907
00:36:24,525 --> 00:36:26,463
one stupid one,
one black person...
908
00:36:26,465 --> 00:36:29,563
I mention Ben Carson, all the
black people in the crowd,
909
00:36:29,565 --> 00:36:31,563
are, like, "Oh, shit, yeah.
910
00:36:31,565 --> 00:36:33,483
Oh, shit, we thought..."
911
00:36:33,485 --> 00:36:36,453
No, we thought he was a surgeon,
and he's brilliant.
912
00:36:36,455 --> 00:36:38,403
Uh, sorry.
913
00:36:38,405 --> 00:36:39,603
Not responsible for Ben Carson.
914
00:36:39,605 --> 00:36:41,483
Ben Carson...
915
00:36:41,485 --> 00:36:43,403
And I don't understand it.
I don't.
916
00:36:43,405 --> 00:36:45,603
The man's a neurosurgeon, right?
917
00:36:45,605 --> 00:36:48,403
And then he comes out,
and he says
918
00:36:48,405 --> 00:36:50,423
that Obamacare
is the worst thing
919
00:36:50,425 --> 00:36:52,553
to happen since slavery.
920
00:36:52,555 --> 00:36:54,493
And I'm, like, what?
921
00:36:54,495 --> 00:36:58,383
Maybe he got too smart, and his
brain just snapped or some shit.
922
00:36:58,385 --> 00:37:00,423
Like, how do you say
some shit like that...
923
00:37:00,425 --> 00:37:02,433
Obamacare is like slavery?
924
00:37:02,435 --> 00:37:04,493
As if 200 years from now,
925
00:37:04,495 --> 00:37:07,553
they're gonna make a movie,
Twelve Years of Healthcare.
926
00:37:09,595 --> 00:37:14,453
Right? And it just gonna show
some poor bastard
927
00:37:14,455 --> 00:37:18,483
who was uninsured,
and they grabbed him,
928
00:37:18,485 --> 00:37:22,373
and they took him down
and gave him health insurance.
929
00:37:22,375 --> 00:37:25,373
And then they took him in,
and he got a medical exam,
930
00:37:25,375 --> 00:37:27,383
and he... he got medication.
931
00:37:27,385 --> 00:37:30,403
And they grabbed his children
who were under 26,
932
00:37:30,405 --> 00:37:33,423
and they said,
"You, too, are now insured."
933
00:37:33,425 --> 00:37:36,453
And the poor bastard ran.
934
00:37:36,455 --> 00:37:40,423
Wrote letters, say, "Free me
from this health insurance.
935
00:37:40,425 --> 00:37:44,573
I'd rather run around uninsured
and fucking die."
936
00:37:44,575 --> 00:37:46,543
Insane, right?
937
00:37:46,545 --> 00:37:47,543
You got Ted Cruz.
938
00:37:48,565 --> 00:37:51,373
Yeah, see, now white people
939
00:37:51,375 --> 00:37:52,603
are, like,
"Oh, fuck, he's ours."
940
00:37:52,605 --> 00:37:55,563
That's how
we're gonna come together.
941
00:37:55,565 --> 00:37:58,393
We just have these two idiots,
and the black people
942
00:37:58,395 --> 00:38:00,463
and white people look at each
other and say, "I'm sorry."
943
00:38:00,465 --> 00:38:02,393
"Yeah, so am I.
944
00:38:02,395 --> 00:38:03,583
So am I."
945
00:38:10,585 --> 00:38:13,403
Ted Cruz is fascinating.
946
00:38:13,405 --> 00:38:15,563
First of all,
I don't even know what he is.
947
00:38:15,565 --> 00:38:17,593
You know, like, he's Canadian,
948
00:38:17,595 --> 00:38:19,563
or American,
so I don't even know.
949
00:38:19,565 --> 00:38:21,583
And he's trying to hide it,
and you know...
950
00:38:21,585 --> 00:38:23,473
And-and he's...
951
00:38:23,475 --> 00:38:25,543
whew, this is a live one.
952
00:38:25,545 --> 00:38:30,433
There's a military exercise
called "Jade Helm,"
953
00:38:30,435 --> 00:38:33,423
and it's all
the special forces, like,
954
00:38:33,425 --> 00:38:35,573
literally the most bad-ass
military we have.
955
00:38:35,575 --> 00:38:38,543
Like Green Berets and Rangers
and SEALs,
956
00:38:38,545 --> 00:38:41,603
and all the special forces
are gonna go out in the desert,
957
00:38:41,605 --> 00:38:44,453
and they're gonna do exercises,
military exercises,
958
00:38:44,455 --> 00:38:45,553
and figure out... right?
959
00:38:45,555 --> 00:38:47,523
So this is bad-ass.
960
00:38:47,525 --> 00:38:50,403
And there's this crazy
conspiracy theory
961
00:38:50,405 --> 00:38:54,453
that this military exercise
is not a military exercise.
962
00:38:54,455 --> 00:38:57,573
It's actually
Barack Obama's secret plot
963
00:38:57,575 --> 00:39:00,403
to take over the United States.
964
00:39:00,405 --> 00:39:02,443
That he's gonna
start these, like,
965
00:39:02,445 --> 00:39:05,403
some kind of weird
martial law thing, right?
966
00:39:05,405 --> 00:39:07,483
And the shit sounds crazy,
967
00:39:07,485 --> 00:39:10,423
but Ted Cruz,
a senator, is, like,
968
00:39:10,425 --> 00:39:12,483
"Well, I'm gonna call
the Pentagon
969
00:39:12,485 --> 00:39:15,543
and see what's going on."
970
00:39:15,545 --> 00:39:17,473
And what I love about that...
971
00:39:17,475 --> 00:39:20,383
not only are you crazy
to believe this conspiracy,
972
00:39:20,385 --> 00:39:22,433
but you're even crazier to think
973
00:39:22,435 --> 00:39:24,463
that they have worked out
a conspiracy
974
00:39:24,465 --> 00:39:27,403
between the president,
the Pentagon,
975
00:39:27,405 --> 00:39:31,443
and the most powerful military
people in the the United States,
976
00:39:31,445 --> 00:39:34,403
and somehow,
you're gonna stop the whole shit
977
00:39:34,405 --> 00:39:37,393
by making a phone call.
978
00:39:37,395 --> 00:39:38,533
Right? Like...
979
00:39:38,535 --> 00:39:41,493
like the head
of the Pentagon's gonna be
980
00:39:41,495 --> 00:39:43,523
on the phone to the president:
"Mr. Obama?" "Yeah."
981
00:39:43,525 --> 00:39:45,373
"They're onto us.
982
00:39:45,375 --> 00:39:47,433
"Ted Cruz just make
a phone call.
983
00:39:47,435 --> 00:39:50,573
We just have to abandon
the whole fucking plan."
984
00:39:50,575 --> 00:39:52,573
I don't know.
985
00:39:52,575 --> 00:39:55,403
Could be the next president
of the United States.
986
00:39:55,405 --> 00:39:57,403
We're bat-shit crazy.
987
00:39:57,405 --> 00:39:59,443
Never know. Might happen.
988
00:39:59,445 --> 00:40:02,523
Don't worry, there's not
much chance of it happ...
989
00:40:02,525 --> 00:40:05,503
It's so funny. Young people
get worried when I say that.
990
00:40:05,505 --> 00:40:08,383
I joke with young people,
'cause I love you guys.
991
00:40:08,385 --> 00:40:09,533
You guys are young,
992
00:40:09,535 --> 00:40:12,603
and you... the future is yours,
and all I can say is,
993
00:40:12,605 --> 00:40:14,533
"Ha, ha! We're sorry."
994
00:40:14,535 --> 00:40:16,573
'Cause we pretty much
fucked it up.
995
00:40:16,575 --> 00:40:19,413
I don't know
how much you read the paper,
996
00:40:19,415 --> 00:40:21,533
but, you know,
listen, my genera...
997
00:40:21,535 --> 00:40:23,533
I'm at the base
of the baby boomer generation.
998
00:40:23,535 --> 00:40:26,463
We're getting old,
we're getting ready to retire.
999
00:40:26,465 --> 00:40:29,423
We're getting sick, we're gonna
need medical care, all right?
1000
00:40:29,425 --> 00:40:31,473
We ain't gonna be
paying taxes anymore.
1001
00:40:31,475 --> 00:40:34,433
We're pretty much
gonna be riding you, okay?
1002
00:40:34,435 --> 00:40:36,373
And we're gonna...
1003
00:40:36,375 --> 00:40:37,503
Yeah, and you're laughing now,
1004
00:40:37,505 --> 00:40:40,433
but then you're gonna look
for a job and a home,
1005
00:40:40,435 --> 00:40:42,533
and you're gonna see
we sucked all that shit up.
1006
00:40:42,535 --> 00:40:45,373
And I care,
I care about you young people.
1007
00:40:45,375 --> 00:40:46,593
I love you young people.
1008
00:40:46,595 --> 00:40:49,503
And I've come up with a plan,
and I want to help you guys.
1009
00:40:49,505 --> 00:40:51,583
Now pay attention. You might
want to write this down,
1010
00:40:51,585 --> 00:40:57,463
or fucking tweet it or Snapchat
it, or however you communicate.
1011
00:40:57,465 --> 00:41:00,463
Start killing old people,
all right?
1012
00:41:00,465 --> 00:41:02,433
They... Listen,
it's your only hope.
1013
00:41:02,435 --> 00:41:05,543
Look, no, I'm not saying,
like, kill your grandfather.
1014
00:41:05,545 --> 00:41:09,503
But your grandfather's friends...
you don't know them.
1015
00:41:09,505 --> 00:41:11,593
They're just random old people
1016
00:41:11,595 --> 00:41:14,503
in the way
of you having a better future.
1017
00:41:14,505 --> 00:41:17,423
Shit, you groaning.
You want to own a home one day?
1018
00:41:17,425 --> 00:41:18,393
You better pay attention:
1019
00:41:18,395 --> 00:41:20,393
Start killing old people.
1020
00:41:20,395 --> 00:41:21,603
Yeah. Just get... Yeah.
1021
00:41:21,605 --> 00:41:24,413
Yeah, look, look,
you're looking for jobs,
1022
00:41:24,415 --> 00:41:25,553
but there are no jobs, right?
1023
00:41:25,555 --> 00:41:28,513
'Cause we sent your job
to Pakistan or some shit, right?
1024
00:41:28,515 --> 00:41:30,423
Good. Now you got free time.
1025
00:41:30,425 --> 00:41:33,373
Volunteer to drive
the old folks bus.
1026
00:41:33,375 --> 00:41:35,453
Take 'em out
to the middle of the desert,
1027
00:41:35,455 --> 00:41:37,413
tell 'em the bus broke down.
1028
00:41:37,415 --> 00:41:38,593
Go back and get another batch.
1029
00:41:38,595 --> 00:41:40,483
Fuck 'em!
1030
00:41:40,485 --> 00:41:43,433
You want to own a home?
1031
00:41:43,435 --> 00:41:44,603
This is the shit
you're gonna have to do.
1032
00:41:44,605 --> 00:41:46,483
Yeah, you're laughing,
young lady.
1033
00:41:46,485 --> 00:41:47,603
You're a cook.
1034
00:41:47,605 --> 00:41:50,443
Go to the old folks home
and spike the soup.
1035
00:41:50,445 --> 00:41:52,553
Get rid of 'em.
1036
00:41:52,555 --> 00:41:55,433
That's right, and when my day
comes, fuck, kill me, too.
1037
00:41:55,435 --> 00:41:56,523
I'll go out. You'll be,
1038
00:41:56,525 --> 00:41:58,473
"Alonzo, you know
it was your plan."
1039
00:41:58,475 --> 00:42:00,463
I'll be, like,
"You got me, you got me."
1040
00:42:01,525 --> 00:42:04,383
That joke gets nothing
in Florida.
1041
00:42:08,585 --> 00:42:12,463
I don't know.
1042
00:42:12,465 --> 00:42:15,483
It's weird, man.
Things have changed.
1043
00:42:15,485 --> 00:42:17,413
Young people... kids!
1044
00:42:17,415 --> 00:42:18,523
It's so different now.
1045
00:42:18,525 --> 00:42:22,523
I was reading
about free-range children.
1046
00:42:22,525 --> 00:42:24,533
Yeah, free-range children...
strangest thing.
1047
00:42:24,535 --> 00:42:27,493
Apparently, today's children...
1048
00:42:27,495 --> 00:42:29,573
their day is so organized,
right?
1049
00:42:29,575 --> 00:42:31,583
They have, like, school,
then they have after school,
1050
00:42:31,585 --> 00:42:33,583
then they have soccer practice,
then they have ballet.
1051
00:42:33,585 --> 00:42:36,383
Then I don't know
whatever the hell else they do.
1052
00:42:36,385 --> 00:42:37,543
But they...
their day is so organized.
1053
00:42:37,545 --> 00:42:41,543
The idea of kids just
running around is so unheard of
1054
00:42:41,545 --> 00:42:44,493
that now they call it
"free-range children."
1055
00:42:44,495 --> 00:42:45,563
Right?
So I'm reading an article.
1056
00:42:45,565 --> 00:42:48,503
Some lady in Texas...
her child was playing
1057
00:42:48,505 --> 00:42:51,443
in the field
100 yards from the house.
1058
00:42:51,445 --> 00:42:53,573
And Child Services came
1059
00:42:53,575 --> 00:42:57,513
to get her for allowing the kid
to play unsupervised.
1060
00:42:57,515 --> 00:43:00,473
Now, when I was a kid,
they used to call that,
1061
00:43:00,475 --> 00:43:01,573
"Go outside!"
1062
00:43:01,575 --> 00:43:04,503
That's what it was.
1063
00:43:04,505 --> 00:43:06,543
Your mother... Right?
1064
00:43:06,545 --> 00:43:08,445
Your...
1065
00:43:13,425 --> 00:43:16,543
Your mother would just get tired
of looking at you.
1066
00:43:16,545 --> 00:43:20,423
It was usually like the
second day of summer vacation.
1067
00:43:20,425 --> 00:43:21,533
And she'd...
1068
00:43:21,535 --> 00:43:23,483
"Go outside!"
1069
00:43:23,485 --> 00:43:25,393
And that was only instruction
you got.
1070
00:43:25,395 --> 00:43:27,383
Go out the house.
1071
00:43:27,385 --> 00:43:29,443
No when to come back,
no there's gonna be food.
1072
00:43:29,445 --> 00:43:31,383
Like, "Get your ass outside!"
1073
00:43:31,385 --> 00:43:33,543
Right? Sometime they give you
a choice. "In or out?
1074
00:43:33,545 --> 00:43:35,453
"Make up your mind!
1075
00:43:35,455 --> 00:43:37,593
In or out?"
1076
00:43:37,595 --> 00:43:41,443
Now you had to decide
1077
00:43:41,445 --> 00:43:44,433
whether you were gonna be
inside or outside all day,
1078
00:43:44,435 --> 00:43:47,463
and that's a tough decision
if you four...
1079
00:43:49,465 --> 00:43:52,513
Right? Because you're, like,
"I can run outside,
1080
00:43:52,515 --> 00:43:55,383
"but inside, they got food.
1081
00:43:55,385 --> 00:43:57,513
I got to make this decision."
1082
00:43:57,515 --> 00:43:59,593
But... and you know,
and then you see...
1083
00:43:59,595 --> 00:44:03,433
Like, I don't have kids because
I don't have the patience.
1084
00:44:03,435 --> 00:44:05,523
Like, good kids are easy.
1085
00:44:05,525 --> 00:44:09,373
But when I see bad kids, I'm,
like, "I-I... I don't know."
1086
00:44:09,375 --> 00:44:11,543
I was... I was at the airport,
1087
00:44:11,545 --> 00:44:14,373
and I was watching Dylan, right?
1088
00:44:14,375 --> 00:44:15,523
And I know his name's Dylan,
1089
00:44:15,525 --> 00:44:18,503
'cause that's what
his mother was yelling...
1090
00:44:18,505 --> 00:44:21,483
as she's chasing that little
bastard all over the airport.
1091
00:44:21,485 --> 00:44:23,553
'Cause Dylan was
about this high,
1092
00:44:23,555 --> 00:44:25,453
and he was fast.
1093
00:44:25,455 --> 00:44:26,533
You know, and he's just going.
1094
00:44:26,535 --> 00:44:28,403
And, like, "Dylan!"
1095
00:44:28,405 --> 00:44:30,523
And that just... fucker run.
1096
00:44:30,525 --> 00:44:32,553
And I'm watching this,
and I'm fascinated, right?
1097
00:44:32,555 --> 00:44:35,483
Because the idea
of run from your mother?
1098
00:44:35,485 --> 00:44:37,573
Are you out of your mind?
1099
00:44:37,575 --> 00:44:39,463
You must be crazy.
1100
00:44:39,465 --> 00:44:41,603
My mother would dare you to run.
1101
00:44:41,605 --> 00:44:44,383
Dare.
It'd be an open challenge.
1102
00:44:44,385 --> 00:44:45,553
"You want to run? Go.
1103
00:44:45,555 --> 00:44:48,543
Go. I'll give you
a head start. Run."
1104
00:44:48,545 --> 00:44:51,553
"That's right.
1105
00:44:51,555 --> 00:44:53,583
But if you run,
don't ever stop."
1106
00:44:55,575 --> 00:44:59,433
"Don't ever stop
'cause I catch you..."
1107
00:45:01,465 --> 00:45:03,443
All right, your mom'd be, like,
1108
00:45:03,445 --> 00:45:07,443
"I catch you, I will kill you
right where you stand."
1109
00:45:07,445 --> 00:45:10,433
Your mother could threaten
to kill you in public,
1110
00:45:10,435 --> 00:45:13,543
and nobody said shit.
1111
00:45:13,545 --> 00:45:17,573
Except other mothers threatening
to kill their children.
1112
00:45:17,575 --> 00:45:20,493
They'd be, like,
"You want to run with him,
1113
00:45:20,495 --> 00:45:21,563
you die right next to him."
1114
00:45:21,565 --> 00:45:24,483
"You die right... Run.
1115
00:45:24,485 --> 00:45:26,583
Go ahead.
You die right next to him."
1116
00:45:26,585 --> 00:45:29,473
You couldn't run
from your mother
1117
00:45:29,475 --> 00:45:31,573
'cause there was
some unwritten rule
1118
00:45:31,575 --> 00:45:34,523
that any mother
could hit any kid.
1119
00:45:34,525 --> 00:45:36,573
- Yes.
- Right? You'd be running.
1120
00:45:36,575 --> 00:45:39,533
Some woman you don't even know
just see you...
1121
00:45:39,535 --> 00:45:41,473
"What the...?"
Wham! "I got him."
1122
00:45:41,475 --> 00:45:43,493
"I... No, he's down.
1123
00:45:43,495 --> 00:45:44,513
Whose is he? I got him."
1124
00:45:44,515 --> 00:45:46,423
"I got... No.
1125
00:45:46,425 --> 00:45:48,443
"I got my foot on his neck.
He ain't going nowhere.
1126
00:45:48,445 --> 00:45:50,543
"Is he yours? Is he...?
1127
00:45:50,545 --> 00:45:53,565
Catch your breath. Come whip
his ass. He's right here."
1128
00:45:56,505 --> 00:45:58,453
I was watching Dylan run,
1129
00:45:58,455 --> 00:46:01,473
and I was gonna elbow the little
son of a bitch, you know...
1130
00:46:01,475 --> 00:46:04,493
But I'm not in the NFL.
I wouldn't get away with it.
1131
00:46:06,475 --> 00:46:10,473
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm the bad guy. Yeah.
1132
00:46:10,475 --> 00:46:12,403
Yeah, it's... Listen,
1133
00:46:12,405 --> 00:46:14,583
I'm a football fan.
I love football.
1134
00:46:14,585 --> 00:46:17,543
Domestic violence.
And it had gotten so ridiculous.
1135
00:46:17,545 --> 00:46:20,503
Like, you literally...
they had to give a report
1136
00:46:20,505 --> 00:46:22,533
at the beginning of every game
1137
00:46:22,535 --> 00:46:25,423
as to who was
or wasn't gonna be there
1138
00:46:25,425 --> 00:46:28,433
based on what crime
they had committed.
1139
00:46:28,435 --> 00:46:29,603
Like, "Well,
the running back's out.
1140
00:46:29,605 --> 00:46:31,603
"He done beat his wife again.
1141
00:46:31,605 --> 00:46:33,563
"Then we got a wide receiver.
Yeah, he done hit the kid.
1142
00:46:33,565 --> 00:46:35,493
"Tight end.
Yeah, he's on parole.
1143
00:46:35,495 --> 00:46:38,383
It's an away game.
He can't travel."
1144
00:46:38,385 --> 00:46:40,603
It had gotten ridiculous.
That thing with Ray Rice...
1145
00:46:40,605 --> 00:46:42,603
when Ray Rice beat that woman
in that elevator...
1146
00:46:42,605 --> 00:46:45,533
not only was it terrible,
it upset me,
1147
00:46:45,535 --> 00:46:47,553
'cause that affected me
personally... you understand?
1148
00:46:47,555 --> 00:46:49,543
'Cause I'm a large black man.
1149
00:46:49,545 --> 00:46:54,513
And now,
whenever I get in an elevator,
1150
00:46:54,515 --> 00:46:56,603
the minute a woman steps in,
1151
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:59,593
I'm like,
"You better not pass out.
1152
00:46:59,595 --> 00:47:03,493
"All right?
Now, you stay on your side,
1153
00:47:03,495 --> 00:47:05,523
"and I'm over here on my side,
1154
00:47:05,525 --> 00:47:09,393
'cause we both know there's
a camera in here somewhere now."
1155
00:47:09,395 --> 00:47:11,543
It was ridiculous.
The funniest and saddest thing
1156
00:47:11,545 --> 00:47:14,483
about it was watching
Roger Goodell,
1157
00:47:14,485 --> 00:47:16,513
the Commissioner of the NFL.
1158
00:47:16,515 --> 00:47:18,593
Every time he gave a speech,
1159
00:47:18,595 --> 00:47:21,493
he sounded
like he just found out
1160
00:47:21,495 --> 00:47:24,443
you're not supposed
to hit women.
1161
00:47:24,445 --> 00:47:28,523
He always seemed to be the most
confused person in the room.
1162
00:47:28,525 --> 00:47:30,573
He'd just be standing
at the podium, like,
1163
00:47:30,575 --> 00:47:33,433
"Uh... uh...
1164
00:47:33,435 --> 00:47:35,403
"apparently,
1165
00:47:35,405 --> 00:47:37,553
"mm, you're not supposed
to hit 'em.
1166
00:47:37,555 --> 00:47:39,603
"Uh, I know. Who knew, right?
1167
00:47:39,605 --> 00:47:41,563
"But-but, no,
we're gonna straighten it out.
1168
00:47:41,565 --> 00:47:43,543
"We're gonna give him
a suspension.
1169
00:47:43,545 --> 00:47:47,383
"We're gonna give him...
Whole season?
1170
00:47:47,385 --> 00:47:49,563
"For beating bitches?
1171
00:47:49,565 --> 00:47:52,473
Suspend him
for the whole season."
1172
00:47:52,475 --> 00:47:54,543
And the...
and the sad thing was,
1173
00:47:54,545 --> 00:47:58,413
when they did that, it had
nothing to do with the victims
1174
00:47:58,415 --> 00:48:00,573
of the violence... it was because
of the sponsors, right?
1175
00:48:00,575 --> 00:48:02,373
The sponsors threatened
to end it.
1176
00:48:02,375 --> 00:48:03,573
And the...
money talks, you know?
1177
00:48:03,575 --> 00:48:06,463
Anheuser-Busch is the biggest
sponsor of pro football...
1178
00:48:06,465 --> 00:48:08,573
the beer company...
and they threatened the NFL.
1179
00:48:08,575 --> 00:48:10,483
And I love how they did it,
1180
00:48:10,485 --> 00:48:12,483
'cause they did it,
like, gangster-style.
1181
00:48:12,485 --> 00:48:14,473
Right? You know
how gangsters threaten you
1182
00:48:14,475 --> 00:48:16,453
without really threatening you?
1183
00:48:16,455 --> 00:48:20,453
They just make a statement,
kind of let you figure it out.
1184
00:48:20,455 --> 00:48:22,423
So, Anheuser-Busch,
they said, "Listen,
1185
00:48:22,425 --> 00:48:26,383
"we are gonna have
to rethink our relationship
1186
00:48:26,385 --> 00:48:27,573
with the NFL," right?
1187
00:48:27,575 --> 00:48:29,453
Which is like
Tony Soprano saying,
1188
00:48:29,455 --> 00:48:32,563
"I'm thinking about
taking you for a ride."
1189
00:48:32,565 --> 00:48:36,373
Here's the thing: you know
how bad you have to beat women
1190
00:48:36,375 --> 00:48:40,563
for a beer company to tell you
to stop beating women?
1191
00:48:40,565 --> 00:48:42,593
Like, you know you've crossed
the line... let's be honest.
1192
00:48:42,595 --> 00:48:44,523
The only thing beer sponsors
1193
00:48:44,525 --> 00:48:47,543
more than football
is beating women.
1194
00:48:47,545 --> 00:48:50,383
Shit, we've all seen Cops.
1195
00:48:50,385 --> 00:48:52,383
Every time that fucker
comes out the trailer,
1196
00:48:52,385 --> 00:48:53,593
he got a beer in his hand.
1197
00:48:58,495 --> 00:49:02,463
I love the odd moments you guys
turn on me. You're like...
1198
00:49:02,465 --> 00:49:06,465
"Hey, Alonzo, go easy
on the beer companies now."
1199
00:49:08,575 --> 00:49:11,503
I don't know. You think
when all that was going on
1200
00:49:11,505 --> 00:49:14,413
that, like, the owners
and executives in the NFL
1201
00:49:14,415 --> 00:49:16,583
were sitting around, saying,
"Man, remember the good old days
1202
00:49:16,585 --> 00:49:19,543
when our only problem was gay?"
1203
00:49:19,545 --> 00:49:21,583
Right? See,
'cause people forgot that.
1204
00:49:21,585 --> 00:49:24,373
At the beginning
of last football season,
1205
00:49:24,375 --> 00:49:25,473
that was the big issue,
1206
00:49:25,475 --> 00:49:28,373
the possibility
of a gay football player.
1207
00:49:28,375 --> 00:49:29,593
We had that kid,
Michael Sam, right?
1208
00:49:29,595 --> 00:49:33,373
Drafted out of college,
openly gay. And they were p...
1209
00:49:33,375 --> 00:49:35,513
"Oh, my God, gay?
No, we can't have a gay guy.
1210
00:49:35,515 --> 00:49:36,563
"He'll ruin the league.
1211
00:49:36,565 --> 00:49:38,523
What about
the NFL morals clause?"
1212
00:49:38,525 --> 00:49:41,523
And I was like, "The what?!
1213
00:49:41,525 --> 00:49:43,423
The what? There's an N..."
1214
00:49:43,425 --> 00:49:46,563
I didn't know
there was an NFL morals clause.
1215
00:49:46,565 --> 00:49:48,473
'Cause I was watching the game,
1216
00:49:48,475 --> 00:49:52,553
and the dog killer threw a pass
to the wife beater,
1217
00:49:52,555 --> 00:49:56,403
who was tackled
by the attempted murderer.
1218
00:49:56,405 --> 00:49:58,605
And... Yeah.
1219
00:50:04,405 --> 00:50:08,403
At no point did they throw
a morals flag.
1220
00:50:08,405 --> 00:50:11,523
And I just guaranteed
I will never get an NFL gig.
1221
00:50:11,525 --> 00:50:13,573
That's... okay.
1222
00:50:13,575 --> 00:50:17,423
I don't understand the panic
over gay athletes,
1223
00:50:17,425 --> 00:50:21,373
like we haven't had gay athletes
since the beginning of time.
1224
00:50:21,375 --> 00:50:24,563
What, are you kidding?
Male figure skating?
1225
00:50:24,565 --> 00:50:28,583
I don't even know if that's
a sport, but I know it's gay.
1226
00:50:28,585 --> 00:50:31,443
All right?
I'm looking at my screen.
1227
00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:34,483
There's a guy in tight spandex
with sequins spinning around.
1228
00:50:34,485 --> 00:50:38,373
Some gay shit going on...
on the screen.
1229
00:50:38,375 --> 00:50:41,463
That-that Olympic wrestling.
That Greco-Roman wrest...
1230
00:50:41,465 --> 00:50:44,453
That's the gayest shit
I have ever seen.
1231
00:50:44,455 --> 00:50:48,393
That is so gay that two gay guys
could be blowing each other,
1232
00:50:48,395 --> 00:50:51,453
and they will stop, remove the
penis from their mouth, and say,
1233
00:50:51,455 --> 00:50:54,585
"That's some gay shit
you watching. That's..."
1234
00:50:56,385 --> 00:50:57,473
That's how gay it is,
1235
00:50:57,475 --> 00:50:59,593
when two guys in spandex
and sweat
1236
00:50:59,595 --> 00:51:03,383
start wrasslin',
you know what I'm saying?
1237
00:51:03,385 --> 00:51:04,563
And-and it's so funny,
'cause we always panic
1238
00:51:04,565 --> 00:51:06,553
about gay people
doing something.
1239
00:51:06,555 --> 00:51:09,373
Then they do it, right?
And nothing happens.
1240
00:51:09,375 --> 00:51:10,533
And then, suddenly,
we're cool with it.
1241
00:51:10,535 --> 00:51:12,453
So, we had Jason Collins,
1242
00:51:12,455 --> 00:51:14,513
basketball player,
first openly gay man
1243
00:51:14,515 --> 00:51:16,493
in a major team sport, right?
1244
00:51:16,495 --> 00:51:19,373
Jason came out,
played a basketball game,
1245
00:51:19,375 --> 00:51:21,493
lightning did not strike
the arena.
1246
00:51:21,495 --> 00:51:23,413
Suddenly,
we were all good with it:
1247
00:51:23,415 --> 00:51:25,433
"Oh, Jason, we love you.
We're so proud.
1248
00:51:25,435 --> 00:51:27,553
Oh, Jason, we're..."
And I call bullshit on that.
1249
00:51:27,555 --> 00:51:31,393
You love Jason Collins.
Course you love Jason Collins.
1250
00:51:31,395 --> 00:51:34,463
Jason Collins
is seven feet tall,
1251
00:51:34,465 --> 00:51:37,383
255 pounds.
1252
00:51:37,385 --> 00:51:40,533
You know what that is?
That's a lot of gay.
1253
00:51:40,535 --> 00:51:42,563
Right?
Of course you support a gay man
1254
00:51:42,565 --> 00:51:45,413
who's seven feet, 255.
1255
00:51:45,415 --> 00:51:47,563
What, you be,
"Hey, you big fag!" No.
1256
00:51:47,565 --> 00:51:51,503
No, that's never gonna happen.
1257
00:51:51,505 --> 00:51:55,433
You meet a man who's seven feet,
255, and gay,
1258
00:51:55,435 --> 00:51:57,573
your only hope
is he don't decide
1259
00:51:57,575 --> 00:52:01,553
you're gonna be gay.
1260
00:52:01,555 --> 00:52:04,463
Right? 'Cause the moment
he makes that decision,
1261
00:52:04,465 --> 00:52:07,503
you're just along
for the ride now.
1262
00:52:07,505 --> 00:52:09,533
"All right, now, Jason,
you be gentle now.
1263
00:52:09,535 --> 00:52:11,523
"I ain't never done this before.
1264
00:52:11,525 --> 00:52:13,553
"Th-That thing looks
kind of big.
1265
00:52:13,555 --> 00:52:16,583
I don't know."
1266
00:52:16,585 --> 00:52:20,483
Oh, man. This is fun, man.
1267
00:52:20,485 --> 00:52:23,383
Having a good time
with this show.
1268
00:52:23,385 --> 00:52:25,383
My foot's kind of hurting,
but I...
1269
00:52:25,385 --> 00:52:27,583
I would sit down, but I can't do
comedy sitting down.
1270
00:52:27,585 --> 00:52:30,583
'Cause Bill Cosby
does comedy sitting down.
1271
00:52:32,485 --> 00:52:34,443
See? See?
You work all your year...
1272
00:52:34,445 --> 00:52:35,553
all your life, as a comic,
1273
00:52:35,555 --> 00:52:37,593
you work to be like Cos,
and now I'm, like,
1274
00:52:37,595 --> 00:52:40,413
"Eh, don't do that to 'em."
1275
00:52:40,415 --> 00:52:41,573
That's such
a weird situation, right?
1276
00:52:41,575 --> 00:52:43,463
I had to think a lot about it.
1277
00:52:43,465 --> 00:52:45,563
'Cause I'm a big fan
of Bill Cosby the comic.
1278
00:52:45,565 --> 00:52:47,593
I think, you know,
genius comic, right?
1279
00:52:47,595 --> 00:52:49,553
But it was one of those things
1280
00:52:49,555 --> 00:52:52,403
that,
because we love him so much,
1281
00:52:52,405 --> 00:52:55,403
we didn't want to believe it,
you know what I mean?
1282
00:52:55,405 --> 00:52:58,573
So-so you have all
this testimony and-and witnesses
1283
00:52:58,575 --> 00:53:00,553
and people...
women who've been through it,
1284
00:53:00,555 --> 00:53:04,383
but we can't... we-we have
the proof, we know it's true,
1285
00:53:04,385 --> 00:53:06,383
but we don't want to believe it.
1286
00:53:06,385 --> 00:53:10,473
It's like being a Republican
every day.
1287
00:53:10,475 --> 00:53:14,473
I know it's a cheap shot,
but I had to take it.
1288
00:53:14,475 --> 00:53:17,513
All right, all right,
we're off all of that. Yeah.
1289
00:53:17,515 --> 00:53:20,543
Loosened up now. I'm looking
at this good-looking crowd.
1290
00:53:20,545 --> 00:53:22,543
A lot of couples and all that.
1291
00:53:22,545 --> 00:53:24,433
I don't even want
to go into that,
1292
00:53:24,435 --> 00:53:27,373
but it's-it's so weird now,
right? Dating.
1293
00:53:27,375 --> 00:53:31,443
Everything's changed with
the advent of-of social media
1294
00:53:31,445 --> 00:53:33,523
and-and you carry your phone
all the time.
1295
00:53:33,525 --> 00:53:36,383
Like, now, you want to hook up?
1296
00:53:36,385 --> 00:53:37,533
There's an app for that.
1297
00:53:37,535 --> 00:53:39,593
That shit is amazing to me.
1298
00:53:39,595 --> 00:53:41,443
Like, now you want to get laid,
1299
00:53:41,445 --> 00:53:43,423
you just take out
your phone, right? And then...
1300
00:53:43,425 --> 00:53:45,413
You know, 'cause... I mean,
it's a different generation.
1301
00:53:45,415 --> 00:53:46,563
I don't do it, right?
My nephew...
1302
00:53:46,565 --> 00:53:49,413
I got a nephew in his 20s...
he was showing it to me, man.
1303
00:53:49,415 --> 00:53:51,573
Like, Tinder and Instagram.
My nephew's, like,
1304
00:53:51,575 --> 00:53:53,543
a Instagram assassin.
1305
00:53:53,545 --> 00:53:56,463
He is! He showed me. He said,
"Look, Unc, all you do
1306
00:53:56,465 --> 00:53:57,593
"is you flick
through the pictures, right.
1307
00:53:57,595 --> 00:53:59,513
"Then you hit one,
you hit 'like,'
1308
00:53:59,515 --> 00:54:00,573
"then she hits 'like.'
1309
00:54:00,575 --> 00:54:02,603
A couple of days later, bam."
1310
00:54:02,605 --> 00:54:06,443
And I'm, like, "On a 'like'?!
1311
00:54:06,445 --> 00:54:09,493
That's all the effort
you put in? A like."
1312
00:54:09,495 --> 00:54:13,443
Shit, if that worked,
I'd have 23 kids. You kidding?
1313
00:54:13,445 --> 00:54:16,443
And I'm not knocking it.
I'm cool with this.
1314
00:54:16,445 --> 00:54:18,453
Just shows how things
have changed, you know.
1315
00:54:18,455 --> 00:54:21,503
'Cause I-I'll admit,
I look, you know,
1316
00:54:21,505 --> 00:54:24,403
but I can't be trying
to hook up on Instagram.
1317
00:54:24,405 --> 00:54:25,513
I'm a little too old to be
trying.
1318
00:54:25,515 --> 00:54:27,393
I can look on Instagram.
1319
00:54:27,395 --> 00:54:28,503
I can't be hitting on girls
on Instagram.
1320
00:54:28,505 --> 00:54:32,423
Then I'd be the creepy guy
on Instagram, right?
1321
00:54:32,425 --> 00:54:34,393
And-and, no, I used to think
1322
00:54:34,395 --> 00:54:36,513
creepy was the worst thing
a guy could be.
1323
00:54:36,515 --> 00:54:39,383
And then I heard
these two girls talking
1324
00:54:39,385 --> 00:54:41,563
about a guy who looked rapey.
1325
00:54:41,565 --> 00:54:44,463
And I was like,
"That's a thing now?
1326
00:54:44,465 --> 00:54:46,443
There's rapey out there?"
1327
00:54:46,445 --> 00:54:49,423
That is the worst shit
I have ever heard.
1328
00:54:49,425 --> 00:54:53,433
Can you imagine being described
as rapey?
1329
00:54:53,435 --> 00:54:55,453
Right, if you looked rapey,
1330
00:54:55,455 --> 00:54:58,513
you would do anything to get
back to creepy, wouldn't you?
1331
00:54:58,515 --> 00:55:01,513
Wouldn't you?
You'd be at the gym every day.
1332
00:55:01,515 --> 00:55:03,433
Like,
"Man, you're working out hard."
1333
00:55:03,435 --> 00:55:05,393
"Man,
I got to get back to creepy.
1334
00:55:05,395 --> 00:55:08,513
Somehow I done slipped
into rapey."
1335
00:55:08,515 --> 00:55:12,593
How do you function
in everyday life looking rapey?
1336
00:55:12,595 --> 00:55:17,413
Right? You can't go to
the grocery store looking rapey.
1337
00:55:17,415 --> 00:55:19,513
You're like, "Wow,
there's no one in the aisle."
1338
00:55:19,515 --> 00:55:22,443
'Cause your rapey ass
is in the aisle!
1339
00:55:22,445 --> 00:55:25,533
How 'bout you go home, someone
else can buy some cereal today,
1340
00:55:25,535 --> 00:55:27,573
you rapey son of a bitch?
1341
00:55:27,575 --> 00:55:31,473
Can't buy a car. Right?
1342
00:55:31,475 --> 00:55:35,433
The minute... the minute you hit
the-the car lot, the guy's like,
1343
00:55:35,435 --> 00:55:38,423
"Oh, oh, yeah,
we got vans in the back.
1344
00:55:38,425 --> 00:55:39,573
"Well, no,
you look kind of rapey.
1345
00:55:39,575 --> 00:55:41,443
"We figure you need a new van.
1346
00:55:41,445 --> 00:55:45,583
It's clean.
No DNA on those vans."
1347
00:55:45,585 --> 00:55:47,523
Worst... And I asked the girls,
1348
00:55:47,525 --> 00:55:50,403
'cause I had never heard "rapey"
before,
1349
00:55:50,405 --> 00:55:51,533
and I said... I said, "So...
1350
00:55:51,535 --> 00:55:54,403
"This... If you knew a guy
who looked rapey,
1351
00:55:54,405 --> 00:55:56,483
like, would you tell him?"
1352
00:55:56,485 --> 00:55:59,603
And, look, she's shaking
her head, like, "No. No."
1353
00:55:59,605 --> 00:56:02,383
And that's horrible.
1354
00:56:02,385 --> 00:56:04,443
That is wrong.
That is wrong.
1355
00:56:04,445 --> 00:56:06,393
Because... Who's-who's here?
Like, this guy, you're here
1356
00:56:06,395 --> 00:56:07,493
with your lady, right?
If she goes out,
1357
00:56:07,495 --> 00:56:09,463
if she has something
in her teeth
1358
00:56:09,465 --> 00:56:12,413
and you don't say anything,
you're an asshole.
1359
00:56:12,415 --> 00:56:16,403
Right? Yet you could walk around
looking rapey for years.
1360
00:56:16,405 --> 00:56:18,443
And nobody tells you.
You're like,
1361
00:56:18,445 --> 00:56:20,413
"Wow, I ain't had a date
in a long time."
1362
00:56:20,415 --> 00:56:21,523
"Well, you look kind of rapey."
1363
00:56:21,525 --> 00:56:23,533
"When were you gonna tell me
that?!"
1364
00:56:23,535 --> 00:56:26,453
That is information
a man could use.
1365
00:56:26,455 --> 00:56:28,413
Ladies, if you have a friend
who looks rapey,
1366
00:56:28,415 --> 00:56:31,545
let him in on it.
1367
00:56:33,445 --> 00:56:35,383
Uh...
1368
00:56:35,385 --> 00:56:37,483
This was a fun show.
I gotta wrap up the show,
1369
00:56:37,485 --> 00:56:39,533
but I never want
to end the show on "rapey."
1370
00:56:39,535 --> 00:56:42,453
Right? 'Cause that...
'cause that's what'll happen.
1371
00:56:42,455 --> 00:56:44,453
The show would be...
"How was the show, man?"
1372
00:56:44,455 --> 00:56:47,463
"Alonzo, th-that's
a rapey guy. He..."
1373
00:56:47,465 --> 00:56:50,453
You guys all be on Twitter:
"Yeah, Alonzo. #rapey."
1374
00:56:50,455 --> 00:56:52,553
Yeah.
1375
00:56:52,555 --> 00:56:54,533
I don't need that attached
to my name.
1376
00:56:54,535 --> 00:56:58,383
I-I travel to other countries.
I can see myself now,
1377
00:56:58,385 --> 00:57:02,503
just standing at the border,
"Ooh, slow down, Mr. Rapey.
1378
00:57:02,505 --> 00:57:04,553
We don't need you here."
1379
00:57:04,555 --> 00:57:07,443
I do, as I said,
I travel all the time.
1380
00:57:07,445 --> 00:57:09,433
Love... love seeing
other countries.
1381
00:57:09,435 --> 00:57:13,453
And it's so funny, their
impression of the United States.
1382
00:57:13,455 --> 00:57:15,503
Right?
I was in the Netherlands.
1383
00:57:15,505 --> 00:57:18,513
Guy comes up,
"So do you know Barack Obama?"
1384
00:57:18,515 --> 00:57:21,503
Like I would just
know him, you know?
1385
00:57:21,505 --> 00:57:23,563
Like, "Well, yeah,
he comes to the meetings."
1386
00:57:23,565 --> 00:57:25,463
And I've...
1387
00:57:25,465 --> 00:57:27,505
You know?
1388
00:57:31,385 --> 00:57:33,583
I don't know Barack Obama.
Barack Obama's the president.
1389
00:57:33,585 --> 00:57:36,583
The president has a whole team
of Secret Service
1390
00:57:36,585 --> 00:57:39,463
to protect him from stranger...
no, wait a minute,
1391
00:57:39,465 --> 00:57:41,423
they don't really
protect Barack Obama, do they?
1392
00:57:41,425 --> 00:57:44,383
Maybe I will wander
in the White House.
1393
00:57:44,385 --> 00:57:46,393
No, I'm kidding.
I would love to meet him.
1394
00:57:46,395 --> 00:57:49,513
I never met the president.
So it's weird meeting someone
1395
00:57:49,515 --> 00:57:52,393
who's, like, that famous,
you know what I mean?
1396
00:57:52,395 --> 00:57:54,593
Like, not even celebrity
but that next level
1397
00:57:54,595 --> 00:57:57,513
of unbelievable fame.
Not too long ago,
1398
00:57:57,515 --> 00:58:00,393
I met Quincy Jones.
1399
00:58:00,395 --> 00:58:03,503
And... Yeah, exac... See, that's
the reaction you get, yeah.
1400
00:58:03,505 --> 00:58:07,433
See, you're applauding for me
just 'cause I met
1401
00:58:07,435 --> 00:58:09,553
Quincy Jones.
That's how crazy...
1402
00:58:09,555 --> 00:58:12,423
Like, Quincy Jones...
the greatest music producer
1403
00:58:12,425 --> 00:58:13,573
of all time, and-and he was...
1404
00:58:13,575 --> 00:58:15,493
Couldn't have been a nicer guy.
1405
00:58:15,495 --> 00:58:18,393
Just-just very
down-to-earth and he's talking,
1406
00:58:18,395 --> 00:58:19,553
but when you talk
with Quincy Jones,
1407
00:58:19,555 --> 00:58:22,513
you got to understand
the level of story
1408
00:58:22,515 --> 00:58:25,493
you're gonna get...
because of who he is.
1409
00:58:25,495 --> 00:58:27,563
So he's talking about
having made records
1410
00:58:27,565 --> 00:58:31,543
with-with Frank Sinatra
and Michael Jackson, right?
1411
00:58:31,545 --> 00:58:33,523
And he's met, like,
1412
00:58:33,525 --> 00:58:35,553
all the presidents,
you know what I mean?
1413
00:58:35,555 --> 00:58:38,413
He's done music with-with
everybody from-from...
1414
00:58:38,415 --> 00:58:41,413
He was talking about meeting
Brezhnev, president of Russia.
1415
00:58:41,415 --> 00:58:43,573
And-and Barack Obama
and, of course, Clinton.
1416
00:58:43,575 --> 00:58:46,433
He did music for an Olymp...
and I'm just sitting there,
1417
00:58:46,435 --> 00:58:48,593
like, "Holy shit.
1418
00:58:48,595 --> 00:58:50,583
I got nothin'."
1419
00:58:50,585 --> 00:58:52,563
You know what I mean?
1420
00:58:52,565 --> 00:58:55,523
Like, what do you say
when the conversation
1421
00:58:55,525 --> 00:58:57,543
comes to you, you know?
It's like, you-you...
1422
00:58:57,545 --> 00:59:01,383
friends with Ray Charles,
you know, Stevie Wonder.
1423
00:59:01,385 --> 00:59:04,503
Like, get to me, I'm like,
"Listen, Mr. Jones,
1424
00:59:04,505 --> 00:59:06,453
"the best story I got...
1425
00:59:06,455 --> 00:59:09,423
I fuckin' met you."
1426
00:59:09,425 --> 00:59:12,573
Like, I just met Quincy Jones.
Let me tell you about that.
1427
00:59:12,575 --> 00:59:15,453
It's the most awkward moment.
1428
00:59:15,455 --> 00:59:17,413
He was very impressed
1429
00:59:17,415 --> 00:59:20,513
with the fact that I know
Quincy Jones, though. I...
1430
00:59:20,515 --> 00:59:23,383
I was, uh, I don't know...
funny, man, it's funny.
1431
00:59:23,385 --> 00:59:25,553
I laugh at random stuff.
Again, that's the biggest
1432
00:59:25,555 --> 00:59:28,383
question people have of comics:
what do you laugh at?
1433
00:59:28,385 --> 00:59:30,523
If you follow me around during
the day, you'll see me laughing
1434
00:59:30,525 --> 00:59:32,493
and you won't even know
what I'm laughing at.
1435
00:59:32,495 --> 00:59:35,493
'Cause I just saw
some random, funny shit.
1436
00:59:35,495 --> 00:59:37,423
I was crossing the street.
1437
00:59:37,425 --> 00:59:40,413
I'm standing
at the crosswalk, right?
1438
00:59:40,415 --> 00:59:44,413
A seeing-eye dog walked
right up next to me and stopped.
1439
00:59:44,415 --> 00:59:47,403
No blind person.
1440
00:59:47,405 --> 00:59:48,573
It was just the dog.
1441
00:59:48,575 --> 00:59:51,373
He had the harness on
and everything.
1442
00:59:51,375 --> 00:59:53,565
And I'm looking at him like,
"Yo, man, you lost something."
1443
00:59:56,435 --> 00:59:58,523
And I was laughing,
'cause all I was thinking
1444
00:59:58,525 --> 01:00:00,583
is somewhere
there's a blind guy going,
1445
01:00:00,585 --> 01:00:02,543
"Where's my dog?!"
1446
01:00:02,545 --> 01:00:04,543
And people like,
"Oh, the poor son of a bitch
1447
01:00:04,545 --> 01:00:06,543
thinks he has a dog."
1448
01:00:06,545 --> 01:00:08,483
And the light changed
1449
01:00:08,485 --> 01:00:11,433
and the dog got up
and walked across the street.
1450
01:00:11,435 --> 01:00:13,573
And I'm like,
"Son of a bitch, you good."
1451
01:00:13,575 --> 01:00:17,383
You guys are good, too, man.
I'm Alonzo Bodden.
1452
01:00:17,385 --> 01:00:18,603
Thank you so much.
1453
01:00:18,605 --> 01:00:21,373
Thank you, guys.
1454
01:00:30,375 --> 01:00:31,533
Thank you.
1455
01:00:31,535 --> 01:00:34,393
Thank you, up top.
1456
01:00:34,395 --> 01:00:36,453
Chicago!
1457
01:00:43,785 --> 01:00:46,006
Hashtag rapey!
1458
01:00:46,008 --> 01:00:56,008
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com