ANNOUNCER: Please welcome Alonzo Bodden!
(audience cheering)
♪ ♪
Yes!
How you guys doing?
(audience cheering)
All right!
All right, yeah!
Yeah!
I like this.
I like... What's up, up top?
Yes!
This is nice.
What's up, up there?
Chicago!
I like it.
I like it, man.
What's up, Chicago? How you guys doing?
I'm-I'm happy to be here.
It is, yeah, it is great.
I-I love your city.
I lo... I just got through touring Canada.
I got to admit, I got to admit
I love my country, I love the United States,
but when it comes to certain issues,
it's kind of nice being in Canada.
Like, in Canada, they have a thing called health care.
(laughter, cheering)
And-and it's not
a sin to have health care.
I don't, how did that become the issue
that we became so divided over?
You know what I mean? Like, people get so...
Congress, they get so upset over health care.
In Canada, they have health care.
Now, I don't know the history of Canada.
I don't know how it started.
But I imagine that, some time, in Canada,
somebody said, "Hey, people are getting sick."
And somebody else said,
"We should take care of them."
And then they had health care.
In the United States, President Obama
came up with a health care plan.
The Republicans are like, "Health care for poor people?
"We will shut down the government...
in the name of Jesus."
- (laughter, applause) - 'Cause they...
They always slip Jesus in on things Jesus
would have nothing to do with.
- (crowd cheering) - Right? Like...
Listen, I'm not biblical; I'm not an expert;
but I'm pretty confident Jesus would be okay with health care.
You know, it just seems like the kind of thing
he'd go along, you know?
Jesus used to lay hands on the sick.
I don't think he ever asked a leper if he had insurance.
Uh...
What? No insurance?
I don't lay hands on uninsured lepers.
Who let you in here?
Now, listen, you put your legs back in the basket
and crawl your ass out of here.
How dare you!
It-it, you-you don't know
how bad your health insurance is till you go to use it.
I found out I have some
raggedy-ass health insurance, man.
I went to the doctor, my doctor was like,
"Look, if anything ever happens to you,
"get in the car...
"because your car insurance is so much better
than your health insurance..."
He told me.
He was like, "If you feel bad,
"you crash into something, let the airbag hit you,
and I might be able to save your ass."
Because my health insurance
got a whole column
that's just labeled: "Let him die."
Just let him go.
If he got that, nah, he ain't gonna make it.
Don't waste no money.
I don't know.
You got, you got to have health insurance, right?
'Cause you might get sick. You never know
when something might happen, right?
Ebola? Anybody?
Anybody... no-nobody got the Ebola?
You-you, it-it... Every time, there's always
these diseases that we're all gonna get,
we're all gonna die, then it goes away
and nobody knows what happened to it.
Six months ago, we were all gonna get Ebola.
Everybody was gonna... Did anyone else notice
that Ebola disappeared the day after the mid-term elections?
Right? We were, like...
(cheering, applause)
We were all gonna get Ebola.
The Republicans won Congress.
Suddenly the news was like, "Look at Kim Kardashian's ass.
How about that? It just..."
It went away. But I... what...?
Ebola hits New York City!
I'm from New York.
New York is an angry-ass city.
You think New York got time for Ebola?
New York will run that shit off to Jersey.
You understand?
New York, they'd be, "I ain't got...
Get across the bridge!"
(cheering, applause)
I live in L.A. now.
Let me tell you something... if Ebola caused weight loss,
you couldn't keep it on the shelves.
Women just be lined up at Whole Foods like,
"Girl, I got to get some of that Ebola! That..."
Never know, man.
Measles is back, right?
Which people is say is bad.
I don't know if it's bad.
Might not be a bad thing.
Because maybe measles is back,
they'll call it retro
and all the hipsters will get it and die.
Yes.
(applause, cheering)
I'm sorry, there is no more annoying group of people
than the hip... Whenever I see one of them beards
and-and-and they, and they wear the skinny jeans.
They wear the tight-ass jeans.
And I never, I don't understand a man in skinny jeans.
I ain't never seen a woman, like,
"Ooh, I want my man in some skinny jeans!
"There ain't nothing like a man...
"I want them just tight and smooth.
"No package at all.
Just smooth, tight-ass jeans."
But they have to wear skinny jeans,
'cause they're so skinny.
I've never seen grown men with zero muscle development.
Like...
there must be no protein in a kale salad, because...
like, you see them, their arm has no taper.
The shoulder and the wrist are the same size.
Really, if you're a young woman,
if you can't open the jar,
the jar's not getting opened.
Because...
the hipster would actually snap his elbow
trying to apply torque...
And they smoke electronic cigarettes.
And there is nothing more bitch-ass...
(laughter)
...than...
(applause)
...a grown man as he puffs on flavored steam.
All right?
Listen, you're a man. You want to smoke?
You risk cancer like a man.
You don't walk up to me puffing cherry jubilee for God's sake.
'Cause the minute I smell it, I just slap the shit
right out of their mouth.
And you can do that, 'cause they're hipsters.
They won't hit back. They'll...
they'll just write an angry poem.
It's what they...
But-but getting back to the health thing,
I'm not saying that-that the health care plan,
the Obamacare, whatever you want to call it,
it's not perfect.
There are certain parts of the plan that don't make sense.
Like, there's a thing, they want young people
to buy health insurance to offset the older people
who need insurance, and that's not gonna work.
'Cause when you're young, that is your health insurance.
Right? Nothing hurts when you're young.
Remember when you were in your 20s?
Nothing hurt. You be 22,
you fall out of a moving car,
you're like, "Damn, I ripped my shirt.
I ripped my shirt falling out of this car."
(woman whoops)
I joke about it, but the truth is
I'm actually in good health.
I've never been in better health,
and I know because I have been through
some of the most extensive medical testing
you can imagine.
See, recently I donated a kidney to my brother, right?
(applause, cheering)
No, don't clap, don't clap, don't clap.
Don't clap. He owed me money.
I... I was like,
"I'll be damned if you're gonna skate out
"on that bad kidney bullshit, all right?
"I got two, you get one.
"Your ass going back to work.
That's what we gonna do."
And-and it wasn't bad. It wasn't like the old days.
You know, where you donate a kidney,
and you wake up in a bathtub full of ice in Venezuela.
Like, they don't do it that way anymore.
It's-it's called laparoscopic surgery, right?
So they did three little incisions here.
And they go in with a camera.
Then they kind of inflated me, which is weird.
Then they do a little cut here,
and they go in with a hook.
And they take out the kidney, right?
And I'm like, "That's not surgery.
"I got friends go in with a slim jim,
"and pull that out and they could do that shit in the dark.
You know what I'm saying?"
And I said that to the doctor and the doctor laughed, right?
Fortunately, I had a doctor with a sense of humor,
because I like to mess with people, you know.
So what they do is you-you come in,
there's two surgical teams and they're kind of a mirror.
One team's gonna take the kidney out of me.
The other team's gonna put the kidney in my brother.
So there's two surgeons,
two kidney doctors, doctors, etcetera.
We're all in this room...
me and my brother, the doctors...
and they show you on the computer,
they show you a computer simulation of the surgery,
'cause they want to make sure I'm willing to go through.
They're like, "Look, now, you, you have any concern,
any question, just let us know."
And I'm looking, I'm like, "Yeah, man.
"This-this looks hard. You, uh,
you ever done this before?"
Right? And the doctor's laughing.
He's like, "What? Are you kidding?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, like, you got to go to college
to do this shit, right?"
So he's like, "What do you...?
"My partner and I,
"we've done hundreds of transplants.
We're like Jordan and Pippen."
And I was like, "Your ass better be Jordan."
(laughter)
That's right. Nah.
You give my brother Pippen.
I want Jordan.
That's right.
And I want number 23 Jordan.
I don't want number 45.
'Cause he has slowed down, you know what I'm say...
The anesthesiologist came in...
and I wish this was a joke,
but absolutely true... he walked in, he said,
"This is gonna be the most restful day of your life.
"I'm gonna put you
into Michael Jackson sleep."
(laughter, gasping)
And I said, "I better be black when I wake up."
(laughter)
I saw what you clowns did to Mike.
I ain't having it.
And my mother was there, obviously,
right, 'cause they're putting both her sons under.
And if anything goes wrong,
she stands to collect a lot of money.
So I don't blame her for showing...
But again, the surgical technology
was fascinating, you know?
Like, they showed me
a three-dimensional X-ray of my body.
It was amazing... all the organs in place, what's all...
surgical technology... amazing.
However...
the hospital gown, all right?
For some reason,
this thing hasn't changed ever.
Right? Like, the first guy made one.
They're like, "Wow, nailed it.
"First shot.
No, we see no need to ever improve on that design."
Like, first of all, it had to have been designed
when people were about four feet tall, right?
'Cause it's only this long. It's-it comes to right here.
And the back is fully open
with two long strings
that no one in the hospital knows how to tie.
They-they just give it to you.
And you're like, "No, can't...
No, this is..."
So now, you're wearing the open back miniskirt.
Right? Not a good look for anybody.
And they're about to put me out.
And they, and they, and if you've ever had surgery,
you know when you're out, your ass is out, right?
Like, I have no recollection of this surgery.
People, like, "How'd surgery go?"
I'm like, "They could've taken extra shit.
I don't know what they did."
But they told me, they said, "When you're waking up,
"when you're coming out of Michael Jackson sleep,
"the important thing is we need you to get up, right?
"That's how we know you're okay.
We need... So..."
I'm like, "I got it. I can get up. I got it."
So-so they knock me out, they do the surgery.
So now I'm in the recovery room.
And you're high, you know.
You're like, "Whoa," right?
But-but I gotta get up, right? I'm focused.
So-so I swing one leg out of the bed, right?
And then I swing the other leg out
and I stood up.
And there's my mother
and there's my junk, right there.
"Just take a look at that, Ma.
"Wow, they shaved it.
Just like last time you saw it, huh?"
Not a good day for Mom.
She had to do that twice, so that's not good.
Uh... so, anyway,
so I was talking about Canada.
You know, again, social issues, right?
Gay marriage. There's another one.
Like, we've been going back and forth
over gay marriage for ten years.
The Canadian gay marriage debate,
I think that lasted about two minutes.
All right? They were like, "Gays want to get married.
Well, it's cold."
Right? And that was it.
We... we finally...
(audience laughing)
It's amazing how long it took you
to figure that one out.
We finally have come up with, like,
we have gay marriage now,
but it's, like, they hate it so much, they get so angry,
that they've come up with these new laws to stop...
They have these "religious freedom laws."
And again, it's the most backwards,
twisted use of religion.
Like, we-we have our religion,
gives us the freedom
to discriminate against certain people.
You know, like, again, Jesus was big on discriminating
against people, right? So...
So the way it works, they have these...
If I don't want to serve, like, gay weddings, right?
Like, I don't have to.
So in Indiana,
we had a pizzeria
that refused to serve pizza
to gay weddings.
Not that any gay wedding ever ordered pizza.
Right? There's never been a gay wedding
where they were like, "Man, you know what we need, man, is
some good pizza." Right? But...
But-but they said it is within their religious freedom
to not serve pizza to gay weddings
that have never asked for pizza.
And just to make sure
that they don't lose any money
not serving pizza to people who didn't want pizza,
they started a GoFundMe page
to raise money to offset
the money that they were gonna lose
not serving pizza
to people who don't want pizza.
And they-they raised $800,000
to make sure they never have to serve pizza
to gay people that don't want pizza.
And in light of this information,
I, Alonzo Bodden, will now announce
that I will not do comedy
at gay weddings
that have never asked me to do comedy.
And just to make sure
I never have to do comedy
at a gay wedding that doesn't want comedy,
I have started a GoFundMe page.
Send your money so I don't have to do comedy
for gays who don't want it, just like Jesus said.
It is, it is unbelievable
the divisions we have. Like race.
Race is still an issue in this country.
You'd think, by now, we'd have worked out something.
But what's amazing...
not only is racism, like, coming back bigger,
but the places that...
it's colleges and universities,
that you would think would be
the most open-minded places in the world...
the most blatant racism.
University of Oklahoma, they have a fraternity
just singing a song, like,
"Hang a nigger from a tree, no niggers in the fraternity."
And I'm listening to this, I'm like, "Yeah?
What if all the niggers quit the football team?"
Oh, there'd be a whole new song then, wouldn't there?
"Oh, we need our niggers back!
"Where's our niggers at?
We can't win, ah!"
And I thought that would've been great,
if all the black players had, like, just quit
the basketball and football teams.
But here's the thing: they couldn't do that,
because the NCAA,
which is the organization that runs college football,
there's a rule that if you quit the team,
like, you lose your scholarship
and if you go somewhere else, you have to wait a year to play.
They control everything.
And a lot of people were mad about this.
They said, "You're-you're controlling these kids."
They said it's like slavery.
And I said, "That's ridiculous."
College football is nothing like slavery,
because slavery were big, white institutions
run by rich, white men
where young, black men did all the work.
But, see, college football's nothing like that.
College football is where they have big, white scho...
All right, so that's not the best example, but...
(applause)
A-And I'm not saying
that white kids can't play football.
But let's be honest.
If you see an all-white team,
I think we know which way you gonna bet.
All right? Just...
It's unbelievable.
Racism in sports, man.
I'm in L.A., all right?
We got the L.A. Clippers.
Last year, middle of the play-offs,
the owner of the Clippers just comes out
"I don't want black people at my games!"
You own an NBA franchise.
You talk about not knowing your product!
You don't want black people at a basketball game?
That's like having a Starbucks
and saying, "Why are they here so early in the morning?"
It was ridiculous.
And, uh, you know, and I was upset, right?
'Cause I had tickets to the game.
But now I'm not sure if I can go to the game or not,
'cause I don't know what black people are gonna do.
Let me tell you right now, you don't want to be black
and do some un-black shit.
All right? You're like...
I don't want to be the only brother at the game.
But I don't know what the plan is.
Because the game was coming up
before the next meeting.
Some of you are laughing,
some of you are like, "I knew they had meetings!
"I knew it!
I never see Leroy on Wednesday nights."
Fortunately, fortunately, the NBA did the right thing.
You know, they banned Donald Sterling, right?
Said the team's gonna get a new owner and everything.
Everybody went to the game.
Very exciting, very good,
but still a little edgy, you know?
Like, the riot police showed up, right?
And what they do, the riot police come in on horseback
and they line up the horses.
That's how they do crowd control,
there's a row of horses.
And I saw something I had never seen before.
The horses had face shields on.
Right?
And I'm thinking,
"How mad did they think the brothers were?"
You know? I've been around angry people before.
I ain't never been around somebody so mad
they were ready to punch a horse in the face.
You know how mad you have to be to punch
a big-ass horse, y'all?
Fuck a horse up?
Hey, hey, now.
We don't need to involve PETA in this, relax.
You know? And we live in an age
of social media, right?
And instant communication.
Which is great, except that idiots have the same access
to instant communication as everyone else.
Consequently, as soon as something happens,
you have to deal with the idiot opinion.
Right? So as soon as he said,
"I don't want black people at the game,"
we had a bunch of people say,
"Well, if you don't want black people there,
just buy a hockey team," right?
Which... right.
It's... not only is that stupid,
it wouldn't work, because there are black hockey players now.
Yeah, and not just one or two,
like, there's-there's a lot of black hockey players,
and I know, because when you see one,
they don't announce him as "the black hockey player."
Like... whenever there's only one,
that's the only thing you ever gonna hear is:
"he the black hockey player." No, no, there's...
I didn't realize how many brothers
were playing hockey. I was like,
"You guys need to start coming to the meetings,
"so that we would know...
We could lend our support."
Yeah.
Black people are playing hockey.
You know what that means.
NASCAR is nervous as shit.
(applause, cheering)
NASCAR is like, "What?
"They learned to skate?
Shit, they gonna learn to drive."
It's weird, man.
You-you run into it, you know...
the South, you still get a lot of...
Like, whenever I go to the South,
I'll be the first to admit,
I get racially paranoid.
Whenever I have to go to the South,
I always expect some weird shit to happen...
and they've never let me down.
I was in Knoxville, Tennessee.
And this woman, like, "How y'all doing?
Y'all having a good time? How y'all doing?"
And she looks at me, she says,
"Oh, you don't hear 'y'all'
north of the Mason-Dixon line."
And I was like,
"I don't hear 'Mason-Dixon line'
"north of the Mason-Dixon line.
"What year are you living in
"that 'Mason-Dixon line' is an accurate geographic reference?
"Now let me tell you something, lady,
"I got a GPS right here.
There is no Mason-Dixon line..."
I'm glad you guys got that joke,
'cause when I do it, half the people don't get that joke.
And it's usually the half below the Mason-Dixon line, so...
but...
Oh, it's weird, man, but it's funny.
Like, weird things happen with race.
I was at an international comedy festival
and had some of the strangest experiences...
Like, there was an Asian comic.
She came out and there was an Asian lady in the audience,
and she asked her, "What are you?"
Right? And I'm backstage,
and I'm like, "Shit, you don't know?"
'Cause I always thought that was kind of racist on my part,
to not know, and then I realized, like, no,
that's just a cultural thing
and-and it's something I'm not familiar with, right?
Because black people, we don't know that about our culture.
Other cultures know that, right?
So you have Asians, they know the different Asian countries.
You might be Chinese or Japanese
or Vietnamese or something like that, right?
If you're Latin, you might be Dominican or Puerto Rican.
You know, white people, you might be French,
German or Italian or whatever.
Like, with black people,
you never hear that.
We just black. Right?
'Cause our history got lost, so you don't know.
There's a Web site now
where you can send in your DNA and send money
and they tell you where in Africa you came from.
And I'm like,
"That sounds good,
"but how the hell do I know
if it's true?"
It might just be some guy in his basement
with a laptop.
Right? He's collecting my money
and he's like, "Uh... you're from, uh,
"Fuck it. The Congo.
Yeah, you're from the Congo."
Right? I don't know.
"Are you, like... You kind of short?
Yeah, you're a pygmy. You're a pygmy."
Uh... and it's weird.
And-and at the same thing, the festival,
I had the strangest racial encounter I ever had.
And it was strange
because it was with another black person.
Right? It was a brother from Africa.
He did his set, very funny,
but after his set,
he starts talking shit to us,
to the brothers from the United States,
telling us how racism is worse in Africa
than it is in America. Right?
And I'm like, "All right, man, I'll give you that.
Apartheid, much more recent. You had to deal..."
But he wouldn't let it go.
He talking shit now.
I'm starting to get mad, right?
'Cause while America's not perfect, it is still my country.
You know, you talk shit, I go,
"You shut your Ebola-ass up," you know?
Finally, I find myself
in the most unusual and awkward position
of defending American racists...
(laughter)
...as some of the greatest racists in the world.
(laughter, applause)
I'm like, "How dare you challenge our racism,
"you arrogant son of a bitch!
"You know how long they've been hating niggers around here?
"Shit, have you ever met the American hillbilly?
You black and talk funny, he'll kill you twice."
As I'm saying, in the back of my head,
there's a voice like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
I was conflicted in my racial defense.
It's weird, man.
I-I don't know what's funny.
So I watch the news.
People ask me what's funny, they always ask if you're a comic,
they're like, "What-what makes you laugh?"
I watch the news, I laugh my ass off.
The n... It's comical.
Now, you can't watch too much, 'cause you'll get depressed.
But you just watch it for about 15, 20 minutes,
you'll be like, "This shit is insane."
It's so funny, like, 'cause-'cause they always...
Like, for one thing, we don't have any real news.
You have news with different points of view, right?
So you have, like, liberal news and the conservative news,
and then you got the fucking "we just made this shit up" news.
Right? Like-like, my favorite thing on the news
is when they try to be politically correct,
they try to not offend anybody, so they use the codes.
Like we don't know what the hell they're talking about.
You know, like, "Today, a group of urban youths..."
(laughter, applause)
"You mean those black kids behind you?"
There ain't never been a white urban youth.
I think we're onto you.
"The illegal aliens..."
"Oh, you mean the Mexicans."
Ain't no illegal Canadians sneaking around.
"She's an outspoken woman."
"Ah, she's being a bitch, isn't she? Yeah."
See, I know the codes, I know...
"He's a true patriot."
"He's a crazy white guy with a gun."
They ain't never been a black or Mexican "true patriot"
running around, all right?
You let a black guy walk around with a gun,
going, "I know my rights."
He'd be, "Yeah, you got the right to remain s...
You know what, fuck it."
Bang. "Shut up."
It's crazy, 'cause we have... we have a gun culture
that is... that is unbeliev...
Everyone in America has a gun,
except for black kids running from the cops.
Those poor bastards.
Uh, look how weird it got just now, you go...
(laughter)
You go, "Hey, don't bring reality into this shit."
Uh, it-it's unbelievable,
the p-position we've reached with the police,
with white police killing unarmed black people.
It's amazing.
And again, you have the news,
it's-it's so hilarious, the coverage.
Like, you watch the conservative news,
and they, you know, "white... white cop kills a black..."
Like, "Why you making it about race?!"
Well, shit, 'cause it ain't about height.
(laughter, applause)
All right? 'Cause I seen black people
of all different sizes getting killed by white cops.
(applause continues)
It-it's hilarious, the-the way they try to justify.
"Well, what about black-on-black crime?
Gang members kill each other."
I'm, like, "Yeah, you know why?
"'Cause it's their fucking job.
"'Cause when you join a gang,
"I think one of the first things they tell you:
"'All right, now, do you remember, this gang?
You got to fucking kill members of that gang.'"
That's a... You're a cop,
you're supposed to protect us from shit like that.
And they're like, "Well, there are good cops."
And it's true, there are good cops.
There are a lot of good cops.
But how come there's never a good cop around
when a bad cop is whipping your ass?
Right? You... never see...
...never see five bad cops whipping some guy's ass,
and then a good cop comes along and says,
"Hey, stop this shit."
No, you see five bad cops whipping somebody's ass,
then you see a sixth bad cop say, "Fuck, can I get some?"
Bad, man, it's a bad...
It's-it's real, though, it's real.
'Cause we... we've reached...
There's no common sense.
That-that's the problem, you know?
Like, like with the gun thing.
Like, Congress tried to ban armor-piercing bullets, right?
Now, these are bullets, their only design...
they're designed to kill humans.
That's the only thing you could use...
That's why it's called "armor-piercing."
It will go through body armor,
it will go through the side of a car, it's... and the...
The NRA was like, "No, you can't ban those.
We need those for hunting."
(scattered laughter)
Now, I'm not a hunter, all right?
So I can't speak from experience.
But I think if I'm hunting
and I see a deer wearing a bulletproof vest,
then I'm-a let that one go.
You know, I'm guessing... fuck, he knows somebody, you know?
Right?
He wearing a bulletproof vest.
Uh, he got friends and shit.
No common sense.
School shootings have reached such...
such a proportion, we're not even shocked anymore
when there's a school shooting.
It's a sad state we're in, but it's like,
"Oh, fuck, it happened again," you know?
Now-now, to their defense,
the NRA did have a plan to stop school shootings.
Right? They said,
"Well, let's just arm the teachers."
Well, yeah, what could go wrong there?
(laughter)
Right? The average kindergarten teacher
is a 24-year-old woman fresh out of college.
She's still scared of bugs.
(laughter)
Right?
And you think you just gonna toss her a high-powered weapon,
and suddenly everything's gonna be all right?
Yeah, shit will be great.
Until she sees a spider.
Like, "Oh, my God, what happened to the back row?!"
"Well, Miss Wilson saw a bug, that's what happened.
"Hey, we yelled, 'Duck.'
"Those kids are slow back there. You...
Miss Wilson sees a bug, you got to hit the dirt."
And it's always... it's always the same argument, right?
From the NRA... "The Second Amendment to the Constitution.
"We have the right to bear arms.
We need a militia."
And blah, blah, blah.
Like, shut up!
That was written hundreds of years ago.
You know why they said we needed a militia?
'Cause we didn't have an army back then.
We have one now, right?
And one day... one day,
scientists are gonna come up with a time machine,
and these guys are gonna get to go back in time
and actually meet the Founding Fathers
and talk to them about this.
You imagine?
Founding Father'd be, "What?!
"What, machine gun?!
"80-round clip, what the hell is wrong with you?
"Look at me, I have a musket.
"It takes 20 minutes to load this damn thing.
"Mass murder, who's got that kind of time?
"Are you kidding?
"I got crops to bring in.
"'80-round clip,' what else have you fucked up in the future?!
A black president?!"
(laughter, applause)
"What?
"What the hell are you people...
Well, who owns him?"
(laughter, groaning)
"Free?!
"Free, you mean they just run around?!
"Well, how do you get any work done?
What's a Mexican?"
(laughter, applause)
That's right.
Politically incorrect but historically accurate humor...
just for you, my friends.
That was hilarious to me.
(whooping)
No, I'm just laughing, 'cause when I said, "Who owns him?",
you guys acted shocked.
Like, "Oh, my God, you mean they used to own black people?
What is this you talk about?"
Oh, man, I don't know.
I was, like... talking about the black president, man,
Barack Obama, shit.
I admire Barack Obama, I do.
- (applause, cheering, whooping) - I do.
'Cause I'm-a tell you right now, that "black president" shit
ain't working out like it was in the brochure, is it?
You know, going in, he'd be, "I'm the first black president.
This is historic, this is gonna be great."
Now it's been six years, he, like, "This is bullshit.
You can have this shit."
You know? It's-it's amazing, it's ama...
Because if you could... if you could separate
from the racial aspect and just look at what he's done,
honestly, he's been one
of the greatest presidents we've ever had, he...
Right? We were...
(whooping, applause)
Right? I mean, let's be honest.
The country was broke;
we were in the middle of two wars;
people didn't have jobs;
shit was just a mess.
You know, he came in;
he fucking... he got bin Laden, right?
Saved the auto industry;
unemployment's down, right?
Price of gas is down;
soldiers coming home, and they're like,
"Man, we hate Barack Obama."
"Why? 'Cause he's black?"
"No, his policies."
Yeah, chief policy... his ass is black.
That's the number one, I know...
But I, but I admire him.
I admire him 'cause Barack Obama doesn't snap, right?
He doesn't let it get to him. He stays right here.
No matter what happens, he's like,
"I can deal with it, I'm the president."
Takes the middle of the road,
even when you know, on some personal level,
that shit has to bother him, right?
Like, I was talking about cops killing black kids.
Now, you... He's a black man.
I know, on some level, that shit has to make him mad.
But he doesn't let it... He doesn't let you know.
He's like, "I'm-a let the Justice Department handle it.
"The courts will take care of it.
Everybody, stay calm."
Just once, I'd like... just...
tell us what you really think, man.
Just... come...
I'd love Barack Obama just walk up to the podium,
"Y'all shoot another nigga, I will unleash the Army!
"Oh, shit, did I say that?
"Did I say...
"Michelle, did I say...?
Oh, my..."
I want to hear Barack Obama say "nigger"
just so I can watch heads on Fox News explode.
Like...
Yeah.
(laughter, applause)
That would literally be the one thing that they couldn't handle.
They'd be, "Oh, my God, he said, 'nigger.'
Can we say it? No. Aah!"
(imitates explosion)
"Today Bill O'Reilly died."
"What happened?" "Too many niggers in his head."
Just popped right the fuck off.
I don't know, man.
And-and I mentioned, I mentioned, uh, the military.
And I got to give a shout-out to the military,
because I-I, I've been, I've done military shows, I've...
Yeah, you can clap for them, clap for them.
- (applause, cheering) - That's right.
But that's a tough-ass job, every branch of the military,
and I respect them, and I'm-I'm fortunate enough
I get to entertain them.
And I like to joke with them, I like to fuck with all of them.
Except Marines.
I don't mess with Marines, man,
'cause Marines are bad-ass, you know what I mean? Like...
And you can tell by-by what...
This is how you know what branch you're dealing with.
The commercials.
Ever watch the commercials that recruit,
and they always tell you what you can do after you get out?
Right? Like, you learn a skill you can use.
You know, so if you're in the Army, they're like,
"We teach you leadership," and shit like that, right?
And then... and then you come out...
This guy is laughing 'cause he was in the Army.
"Leadership," my ass.
He's like... he's marching through Iraq,
like, "This shit was not on the commercial."
But the Army... they-they tell you that, right?
And then you're in the Navy, and they show you...
you learn high-tech stuff, right? The Air Force and...
it's all high-tech, and you can get a job when you get out.
You ever notice the Marines never run those commercials?
You know why? 'Cause Marines learn to kill people.
Like, that's what they do.
Marines are bad-ass.
You can't get a job doing that after you get out.
You imagine a Marine at a job interview?
Right? He just comes in.
He's like, "Um, sorry, I killed your receptionist.
Well, now, I know you didn't hear it. I'm a Marine."
"Okay."
Man, I hope they laugh when they see this show.
That could be my ass.
No, but I do. I got a lot of respect for the troops.
It's weird, but I was joking about the president. I...
What happened to our government?
When did our government just lose their damn minds, you know?
Weed is legal in DC now, you know that?
You can smoke weed in DC.
I hope that's the explanation for what's going on.
I would love to find out they're all high right now.
Li-Li-Like, you know, that would explain shit.
Like, can you imagine the United States Senate, right?
They're just sitting around smoking weed, like...
(hoarsely): "Man, you know what we should do?"
(exhales, inhales)
"We should write a letter to Iran.
Yeah, tell 'em the president don't count. Aah!"
And I'd be, like, "Oh, that explains that shit."
But, no, man, the show's about to start again.
When I say the show, I mean our next presidential election.
'Cause that's what it's turned into.
It is just... it's the early candidates.
You always get the crazy son of a bitches
right up front, right?
Like we have Ben Carson.
- (audience member groans) - No. Look, yeah, I know, I know.
- (laughter) - I know, and it's one of those things.
This is one of the things that I just don't understand,
but I get it, like, with black people.
We are... we are united in the fact
that we're always embarrassed by a stu...
one stupid one, one black person...
I mention Ben Carson, all the black people in the crowd,
are, like, "Oh, shit, yeah.
Oh, shit, we thought..."
No, we thought he was a surgeon, and he's brilliant.
Uh, sorry.
Not responsible for Ben Carson.
Ben Carson...
And I don't understand it. I don't.
The man's a neurosurgeon, right?
And then he comes out, and he says
that Obamacare is the worst thing
to happen since slavery.
And I'm, like, what?
Maybe he got too smart, and his brain just snapped or some shit.
Like, how do you say some shit like that...
Obamacare is like slavery?
As if 200 years from now,
they're gonna make a movie, Twelve Years of Healthcare.
(laughter and applause)
Right? And it just gonna show some poor bastard
who was uninsured, and they grabbed him,
and they took him down and gave him health insurance.
And then they took him in, and he got a medical exam,
and he... he got medication.
And they grabbed his children who were under 26,
and they said, "You, too, are now insured."
And the poor bastard ran.
Wrote letters, say, "Free me from this health insurance.
I'd rather run around uninsured and fucking die."
Insane, right?
You got Ted Cruz.
(people groaning)
Yeah, see, now white people
are, like, "Oh, fuck, he's ours."
That's how we're gonna come together.
We just have these two idiots, and the black people
and white people look at each other and say, "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, so am I.
So am I."
(laughter and applause)
Ted Cruz is fascinating.
First of all, I don't even know what he is.
You know, like, he's Canadian,
or American, so I don't even know.
And he's trying to hide it, and you know...
And-and he's...
whew, this is a live one.
There's a military exercise called "Jade Helm,"
and it's all the special forces, like,
literally the most bad-ass military we have.
Like Green Berets and Rangers and SEALs,
and all the special forces are gonna go out in the desert,
and they're gonna do exercises, military exercises,
and figure out... right?
So this is bad-ass.
And there's this crazy conspiracy theory
that this military exercise is not a military exercise.
It's actually Barack Obama's secret plot
to take over the United States.
That he's gonna start these, like,
some kind of weird martial law thing, right?
And the shit sounds crazy,
but Ted Cruz, a senator, is, like,
"Well, I'm gonna call the Pentagon
and see what's going on."
And what I love about that...
not only are you crazy to believe this conspiracy,
but you're even crazier to think
that they have worked out a conspiracy
between the president, the Pentagon,
and the most powerful military people in the the United States,
and somehow, you're gonna stop the whole shit
by making a phone call.
- (laughter and applause) - Right? Like...
like the head of the Pentagon's gonna be
on the phone to the president: "Mr. Obama?" "Yeah."
"They're onto us.
"Ted Cruz just make a phone call.
We just have to abandon the whole fucking plan."
I don't know.
Could be the next president of the United States.
We're bat-shit crazy.
Never know. Might happen.
Don't worry, there's not much chance of it happ...
It's so funny. Young people get worried when I say that.
I joke with young people, 'cause I love you guys.
You guys are young,
and you... the future is yours, and all I can say is,
"Ha, ha! We're sorry."
'Cause we pretty much fucked it up.
I don't know how much you read the paper,
but, you know, listen, my genera...
I'm at the base of the baby boomer generation.
We're getting old, we're getting ready to retire.
We're getting sick, we're gonna need medical care, all right?
We ain't gonna be paying taxes anymore.
We're pretty much gonna be riding you, okay?
- (laughter) - And we're gonna...
Yeah, and you're laughing now,
but then you're gonna look for a job and a home,
and you're gonna see we sucked all that shit up.
And I care, I care about you young people.
I love you young people.
And I've come up with a plan, and I want to help you guys.
Now pay attention. You might want to write this down,
or fucking tweet it or Snapchat it, or however you communicate.
Start killing old people, all right?
They... Listen, it's your only hope.
Look, no, I'm not saying, like, kill your grandfather.
But your grandfather's friends... you don't know them.
They're just random old people
in the way of you having a better future.
Shit, you groaning. You want to own a home one day?
You better pay attention:
Start killing old people.
Yeah. Just get... Yeah.
Yeah, look, look, you're looking for jobs,
but there are no jobs, right?
'Cause we sent your job to Pakistan or some shit, right?
Good. Now you got free time.
Volunteer to drive the old folks bus.
Take 'em out to the middle of the desert,
tell 'em the bus broke down.
Go back and get another batch.
Fuck 'em!
- (laughter, applause) - You want to own a home?
This is the shit you're gonna have to do.
Yeah, you're laughing, young lady.
You're a cook.
Go to the old folks home and spike the soup.
Get rid of 'em.
That's right, and when my day comes, fuck, kill me, too.
I'll go out. You'll be,
"Alonzo, you know it was your plan."
I'll be, like, "You got me, you got me."
(laughter)
That joke gets nothing in Florida.
(laughter)
(applause)
I don't know.
It's weird, man. Things have changed.
Young people... kids!
It's so different now.
I was reading about free-range children.
Yeah, free-range children... strangest thing.
Apparently, today's children...
their day is so organized, right?
They have, like, school, then they have after school,
then they have soccer practice, then they have ballet.
Then I don't know whatever the hell else they do.
But they... their day is so organized.
The idea of kids just running around is so unheard of
that now they call it "free-range children."
Right? So I'm reading an article.
Some lady in Texas... her child was playing
in the field 100 yards from the house.
And Child Services came
to get her for allowing the kid to play unsupervised.
Now, when I was a kid, they used to call that,
"Go outside!"
- (laughter, applause) - That's what it was.
Your mother... Right?
- (applause, cheering) - Your...
Your mother would just get tired of looking at you.
It was usually like the second day of summer vacation.
And she'd...
(stammering) "Go outside!"
And that was only instruction you got.
Go out the house.
No when to come back, no there's gonna be food.
Like, "Get your ass outside!"
Right? Sometime they give you a choice. "In or out?
"Make up your mind!
In or out?"
- (applause) - Now you had to decide
whether you were gonna be inside or outside all day,
and that's a tough decision if you four...
(laughter)
Right? Because you're, like, "I can run outside,
"but inside, they got food.
I got to make this decision."
But... and you know, and then you see...
Like, I don't have kids because I don't have the patience.
Like, good kids are easy.
But when I see bad kids, I'm, like, "I-I... I don't know."
I was... I was at the airport,
and I was watching Dylan, right?
And I know his name's Dylan,
'cause that's what his mother was yelling...
as she's chasing that little bastard all over the airport.
'Cause Dylan was about this high,
and he was fast.
You know, and he's just going.
And, like, "Dylan!"
And that just... fucker run.
And I'm watching this, and I'm fascinated, right?
Because the idea of run from your mother?
Are you out of your mind?
You must be crazy.
My mother would dare you to run.
Dare. It'd be an open challenge.
"You want to run? Go.
Go. I'll give you a head start. Run."
- (laughter and applause) - "That's right.
But if you run, don't ever stop."
(laughter)
"Don't ever stop 'cause I catch you..."
(applause and cheering)
All right, your mom'd be, like,
"I catch you, I will kill you right where you stand."
Your mother could threaten to kill you in public,
and nobody said shit.
Except other mothers threatening to kill their children.
They'd be, like, "You want to run with him,
you die right next to him."
- (laughter and applause) - "You die right... Run.
Go ahead. You die right next to him."
You couldn't run from your mother
'cause there was some unwritten rule
that any mother could hit any kid.
- WOMAN: Yes. - Right? You'd be running.
Some woman you don't even know just see you...
"What the...?" Wham! "I got him."
- (laughter) - "I... No, he's down.
Whose is he? I got him."
- (laughter, applause) - "I got... No.
"I got my foot on his neck. He ain't going nowhere.
"Is he yours? Is he...?
Catch your breath. Come whip his ass. He's right here."
I was watching Dylan run,
and I was gonna elbow the little son of a bitch, you know...
But I'm not in the NFL. I wouldn't get away with it.
(audience groaning)
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm the bad guy. Yeah.
Yeah, it's... Listen,
I'm a football fan. I love football.
Domestic violence. And it had gotten so ridiculous.
Like, you literally... they had to give a report
at the beginning of every game
as to who was or wasn't gonna be there
based on what crime they had committed.
Like, "Well, the running back's out.
"He done beat his wife again.
"Then we got a wide receiver. Yeah, he done hit the kid.
"Tight end. Yeah, he's on parole.
It's an away game. He can't travel."
It had gotten ridiculous. That thing with Ray Rice...
when Ray Rice beat that woman in that elevator...
not only was it terrible, it upset me,
'cause that affected me personally... you understand?
'Cause I'm a large black man.
And now, whenever I get in an elevator,
the minute a woman steps in,
I'm like, "You better not pass out.
"All right? Now, you stay on your side,
"and I'm over here on my side,
'cause we both know there's a camera in here somewhere now."
It was ridiculous. The funniest and saddest thing
about it was watching Roger Goodell,
the Commissioner of the NFL.
Every time he gave a speech,
he sounded like he just found out
you're not supposed to hit women.
He always seemed to be the most confused person in the room.
He'd just be standing at the podium, like,
"Uh... uh...
"apparently,
"mm, you're not supposed to hit 'em.
"Uh, I know. Who knew, right?
"But-but, no, we're gonna straighten it out.
"We're gonna give him a suspension.
"We're gonna give him... Whole season?
"For beating bitches?
Suspend him for the whole season."
And the... and the sad thing was,
when they did that, it had nothing to do with the victims
of the violence... it was because of the sponsors, right?
The sponsors threatened to end it.
And the... money talks, you know?
Anheuser-Busch is the biggest sponsor of pro football...
the beer company... and they threatened the NFL.
And I love how they did it,
'cause they did it, like, gangster-style.
Right? You know how gangsters threaten you
without really threatening you?
They just make a statement, kind of let you figure it out.
So, Anheuser-Busch, they said, "Listen,
"we are gonna have to rethink our relationship
with the NFL," right?
Which is like Tony Soprano saying,
"I'm thinking about taking you for a ride."
Here's the thing: you know how bad you have to beat women
for a beer company to tell you to stop beating women?
Like, you know you've crossed the line... let's be honest.
The only thing beer sponsors
more than football is beating women.
Shit, we've all seen Cops.
Every time that fucker comes out the trailer,
he got a beer in his hand.
(applause, cheering)
I love the odd moments you guys turn on me. You're like...
"Hey, Alonzo, go easy on the beer companies now."
I don't know. You think when all that was going on
that, like, the owners and executives in the NFL
were sitting around, saying, "Man, remember the good old days
when our only problem was gay?"
Right? See, 'cause people forgot that.
At the beginning of last football season,
that was the big issue,
the possibility of a gay football player.
We had that kid, Michael Sam, right?
Drafted out of college, openly gay. And they were p...
"Oh, my God, gay? No, we can't have a gay guy.
"He'll ruin the league.
What about the NFL morals clause?"
And I was like, "The what?!
The what? There's an N..."
I didn't know there was an NFL morals clause.
'Cause I was watching the game,
and the dog killer threw a pass to the wife beater,
who was tackled by the attempted murderer.
And... Yeah.
At no point did they throw a morals flag.
And I just guaranteed I will never get an NFL gig.
That's... okay.
I don't understand the panic over gay athletes,
like we haven't had gay athletes since the beginning of time.
What, are you kidding? Male figure skating?
I don't even know if that's a sport, but I know it's gay.
All right? I'm looking at my screen.
There's a guy in tight spandex with sequins spinning around.
Some gay shit going on... on the screen.
That-that Olympic wrestling. That Greco-Roman wrest...
That's the gayest shit I have ever seen.
That is so gay that two gay guys could be blowing each other,
and they will stop, remove the penis from their mouth, and say,
"That's some gay shit you watching. That's..."
That's how gay it is,
when two guys in spandex and sweat
start wrasslin', you know what I'm saying?
And-and it's so funny, 'cause we always panic
about gay people doing something.
Then they do it, right? And nothing happens.
And then, suddenly, we're cool with it.
So, we had Jason Collins,
basketball player, first openly gay man
in a major team sport, right?
Jason came out, played a basketball game,
lightning did not strike the arena.
Suddenly, we were all good with it:
"Oh, Jason, we love you. We're so proud.
Oh, Jason, we're..." And I call bullshit on that.
You love Jason Collins. Course you love Jason Collins.
Jason Collins is seven feet tall,
255 pounds.
You know what that is? That's a lot of gay.
Right? Of course you support a gay man
who's seven feet, 255.
What, you be, "Hey, you big fag!" No.
No, that's never gonna happen.
You meet a man who's seven feet, 255, and gay,
your only hope is he don't decide
you're gonna be gay.
Right? 'Cause the moment he makes that decision,
you're just along for the ride now.
"All right, now, Jason, you be gentle now.
"I ain't never done this before.
"Th-That thing looks kind of big.
I don't know."
Oh, man. This is fun, man.
Having a good time with this show.
My foot's kind of hurting, but I...
I would sit down, but I can't do comedy sitting down.
'Cause Bill Cosby does comedy sitting down.
(audience groans, laughs)
See? See? You work all your year...
all your life, as a comic,
you work to be like Cos, and now I'm, like,
"Eh, don't do that to 'em."
That's such a weird situation, right?
I had to think a lot about it.
'Cause I'm a big fan of Bill Cosby the comic.
I think, you know, genius comic, right?
But it was one of those things
that, because we love him so much,
we didn't want to believe it, you know what I mean?
So-so you have all this testimony and-and witnesses
and people... women who've been through it,
but we can't... we-we have the proof, we know it's true,
but we don't want to believe it.
It's like being a Republican every day.
I know it's a cheap shot, but I had to take it.
All right, all right, we're off all of that. Yeah.
Loosened up now. I'm looking at this good-looking crowd.
A lot of couples and all that.
I don't even want to go into that,
but it's-it's so weird now, right? Dating.
Everything's changed with the advent of-of social media
and-and you carry your phone all the time.
Like, now, you want to hook up?
(scoffs) There's an app for that.
That shit is amazing to me.
Like, now you want to get laid,
you just take out your phone, right? And then...
You know, 'cause... I mean, it's a different generation.
I don't do it, right? My nephew...
I got a nephew in his 20s... he was showing it to me, man.
Like, Tinder and Instagram. My nephew's, like,
a Instagram assassin.
He is! He showed me. He said, "Look, Unc, all you do
"is you flick through the pictures, right.
"Then you hit one, you hit 'like,'
"then she hits 'like.'
A couple of days later, bam."
And I'm, like, "On a 'like'?!
That's all the effort you put in? A like."
Shit, if that worked, I'd have 23 kids. You kidding?
And I'm not knocking it. I'm cool with this.
Just shows how things have changed, you know.
'Cause I-I'll admit, I look, you know,
but I can't be trying to hook up on Instagram.
I'm a little too old to be trying.
I can look on Instagram.
I can't be hitting on girls on Instagram.
Then I'd be the creepy guy on Instagram, right?
And-and, no, I used to think
creepy was the worst thing a guy could be.
And then I heard these two girls talking
about a guy who looked rapey.
And I was like, "That's a thing now?
There's rapey out there?"
That is the worst shit I have ever heard.
Can you imagine being described as rapey?
Right, if you looked rapey,
you would do anything to get back to creepy, wouldn't you?
Wouldn't you? You'd be at the gym every day.
Like, "Man, you're working out hard."
"Man, I got to get back to creepy.
Somehow I done slipped into rapey."
How do you function in everyday life looking rapey?
Right? You can't go to the grocery store looking rapey.
You're like, "Wow, there's no one in the aisle."
'Cause your rapey ass is in the aisle!
How 'bout you go home, someone else can buy some cereal today,
you rapey son of a bitch?
Can't buy a car. Right?
The minute... the minute you hit the-the car lot, the guy's like,
"Oh, oh, yeah, we got vans in the back.
"Well, no, you look kind of rapey.
"We figure you need a new van.
It's clean. No DNA on those vans."
Worst... And I asked the girls,
'cause I had never heard "rapey" before,
and I said... I said, "So...
"This... If you knew a guy who looked rapey,
like, would you tell him?"
And, look, she's shaking her head, like, "No. No."
And that's horrible.
That is wrong. That is wrong.
Because... Who's-who's here? Like, this guy, you're here
with your lady, right? If she goes out,
if she has something in her teeth
and you don't say anything, you're an asshole.
Right? Yet you could walk around looking rapey for years.
And nobody tells you. You're like,
"Wow, I ain't had a date in a long time."
"Well, you look kind of rapey."
"When were you gonna tell me that?!"
That is information a man could use.
Ladies, if you have a friend who looks rapey,
let him in on it.
Uh...
This was a fun show. I gotta wrap up the show,
but I never want to end the show on "rapey."
Right? 'Cause that... 'cause that's what'll happen.
The show would be... "How was the show, man?"
"Alonzo, th-that's a rapey guy. He..."
You guys all be on Twitter: "Yeah, Alonzo. #rapey."
Yeah.
I don't need that attached to my name.
I-I travel to other countries. I can see myself now,
just standing at the border, "Ooh, slow down, Mr. Rapey.
We don't need you here."
I do, as I said, I travel all the time.
Love... love seeing other countries.
And it's so funny, their impression of the United States.
Right? I was in the Netherlands.
Guy comes up, "So do you know Barack Obama?"
Like I would just know him, you know?
Like, "Well, yeah, he comes to the meetings."
And I've...
- (laughter, applause) - You know?
I don't know Barack Obama. Barack Obama's the president.
The president has a whole team of Secret Service
to protect him from stranger... no, wait a minute,
they don't really protect Barack Obama, do they?
Maybe I will wander in the White House.
No, I'm kidding. I would love to meet him.
I never met the president. So it's weird meeting someone
who's, like, that famous, you know what I mean?
Like, not even celebrity but that next level
of unbelievable fame. Not too long ago,
I met Quincy Jones.
- (whooping) - And... Yeah, exac... See, that's the reaction you get, yeah.
See, you're applauding for me just 'cause I met
Quincy Jones. That's how crazy...
Like, Quincy Jones... the greatest music producer
of all time, and-and he was...
Couldn't have been a nicer guy.
Just-just very down-to-earth and he's talking,
but when you talk with Quincy Jones,
you got to understand the level of story
you're gonna get... because of who he is.
So he's talking about having made records
with-with Frank Sinatra and Michael Jackson, right?
And he's met, like,
all the presidents, you know what I mean?
He's done music with-with everybody from-from...
He was talking about meeting Brezhnev, president of Russia.
And-and Barack Obama and, of course, Clinton.
He did music for an Olymp... and I'm just sitting there,
like, "Holy shit.
I got nothin'."
You know what I mean?
Like, what do you say when the conversation
comes to you, you know? It's like, you-you...
friends with Ray Charles, you know, Stevie Wonder.
Like, get to me, I'm like, "Listen, Mr. Jones,
"the best story I got...
I fuckin' met you."
Like, I just met Quincy Jones. Let me tell you about that.
It's the most awkward moment.
He was very impressed
with the fact that I know Quincy Jones, though. I...
I was, uh, I don't know... funny, man, it's funny.
I laugh at random stuff. Again, that's the biggest
question people have of comics: what do you laugh at?
If you follow me around during the day, you'll see me laughing
and you won't even know what I'm laughing at.
'Cause I just saw some random, funny shit.
I was crossing the street.
I'm standing at the crosswalk, right?
A seeing-eye dog walked right up next to me and stopped.
No blind person.
It was just the dog.
He had the harness on and everything.
And I'm looking at him like, "Yo, man, you lost something."
And I was laughing, 'cause all I was thinking
is somewhere there's a blind guy going,
"Where's my dog?!"
And people like, "Oh, the poor son of a bitch
thinks he has a dog."
And the light changed
and the dog got up and walked across the street.
And I'm like, "Son of a bitch, you good."
You guys are good, too, man. I'm Alonzo Bodden.
Thank you so much.
- (cheering, whooping) - Thank you, guys.
♪ ♪
Thank you.
Thank you, up top.
Chicago!
(audience whistling, cheering)
Hashtag rapey!
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com