Does anyone want to go on a 150 mile bike ride
with me this weekend?
It's to support schools in Uganda.
No, thanks. I prefer not to turn my vagina
into ground turkey.
What a surprise.
The six degenerates sitting around doing nothing.
Marty, shouldn't you be cleaning drawings of boners
off bathroom stalls?
For your information, I already rubbed out
three in the boys' room this morning.
The reason I am here is because I read an article
that said if you give underperforming teachers
new challenges, you get big results.
I immediately thought of this group.
Because we get big results?
No.
Principal Pearson loved my idea
so I will be assigning each of you
new extracurricular activities.
Ms. Snap, you will be in charge
of the after-school gifted program.
Oh, I can't relate to people with glasses.
Ms. Watson, Ms. Cannon, you will be
co-captains on field day.
I love organizing events.
I'm responsible for 97% of the marches
on city hall this year.
Mrs. Adler, Ms. Feldman, you will be assisting
with field day.
Ah, this will be just like being a wedding planner,
but without all the homicidal feelings of jealous.
Don't worry. We'll make you guys
feel super involved.
Not necessary.
These two control freaks in charge?
- Mama's not doing shiz. - Mm-hmm.
- What about me? - Sorry.
I often forget that you're here.
You will be teaching after-school sex ed.
I don't want to teach sex ed.
Ms. Bennigan, sometimes we have to do things
we don't want to.
I, for example, just had to have
this conversation with all of you.
You guys, I can't teach sex ed.
What I'm about to reveal to you is very personal.
I don't know how to say this,
but I'm a...
Virgin.
How'd you know?
Mary Louise, you thought a blow job
was a fancy hairdo.
What else would it be?
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
Ms. Snap? Hi, I'm Charles's mother Rita.
- Hi, nice to meet you. - Pleasure.
I heard you're running the after-school gifted program.
How'd you hear that?
I was just assigned it this morning.
Well, I am the president of the PTA.
I hear everything.
You know what?
I want you to put my son in the gifted program.
Charles is a fine student, but I don't think
he would be happy in the program.
- Really? - Yeah, it's pretty advanced.
Well, maybe I didn't make myself clear.
I expect him to be placed in the gifted program.
Excuse me?
Wow, I assumed the teacher assigned
to the gifted program would be a little quicker on the uptake.
- I'm president of the PTA. - I got that.
And I think it is so great for women who don't work
to have a little club to belong to.
Oh, you do?
Look, if you fail to make this happen,
my "little club" will make your life
a living hell.
It's the PTA, not the CIA.
Is it?
This is gonna be great.
I know. I loved field day as a kid.
And we're clearly the right pair to be in charge.
If you could have sex with anyone,
but immediately after, your head would explode,
who would you choose?
- Cheech and Chong. - You can't choose two.
You have to choose one.
Oh, my God. This is like "Sophie's Choice."
Ugh, I choose Cheech.
But Chong gets to watch.
Mm, hot.
Ugh, you were saying?
Field day's a great way to teach children
about community.
Totally. And it introduces kids
to the reality that there are winners and losers in life.
- I'm sorry? - You know.
That some people are better than others.
Wait, just because you win doesn't mean you're
better than another person.
Everybody wins if they try hard and have a positive attitude.
Uh, wrong. Listen, I am who I am today
because I placed first in four national dressage tourneys
and I won my debutante ball.
I didn't know that was a competition.
- I made it one. - God!
Stupid jump ropes suck ass.
Hey! Stop playing around, you guys.
We still have to separate orange cones
and sweep out the volleyball area.
Okay.
Let's get this boat in the water.
Who knows what S-E-X is?
No one's parents taught them anything?
Okay.
Why don't we start with these models?
Okay.
Wowzers.
Okay.
Who knows what this is?
- A monster? - What?
A maze?
This is a 3-D model of the female reproductive system.
Okay. And...
who knows what this is?
A wiener.
- Also known as? - A [BLEEP].
Wiener works. Okay.
That means that these must be the berries.
Whoa.
Ms. Bennigan?
- Hot Dad. - Hi.
I'm your after-school parent volunteer this week.
What are we...
Working on?
Those jump ropes were the worst.
It was a like a Rubik's Cube and a Sudoku
banged each other and had a devil baby.
Yeah, these new assignments gargle ass.
I know. They suck.
The president of the PTA threatened me today.
Rita Towers?
She's a nightmare.
I wouldn't buy anything from the PTA bake sale one year,
so she stuck the kid with oppositional disorder
in my class.
She wants her kid in the gifted program,
but he would be miserable.
He thinks Lake Michigan is an ocean.
I already bought a giant winner's trophy.
I already bought 300 ribbons that say "Special" on them.
Perfect. We can stuff them into the trophy
to reinforce how special the winner is.
My assignment's a real stinker.
Sex ed? Can't be that bad.
It is. I still have my hymen!
My after-school parent volunteer is Hot Dad.
How am I supposed to explain sex ed in front
of the best-looking man to walk the Earth
since Donny Osmond?
- Oh, you lucky bitch. - Yeah.
This is a huge opportunity.
You teaching sex ed in front of Hot Dad
is just like the female baboon presenting her
swollen, orange buttocks to attract a sexual partner.
Ugh, that's not what I was thinking.
That is exactly what I was thinking.
Energy from the sun is actually food for plants.
Oh.
Mm. Too hot.
- Ms. Snap. - Marty.
I'm in the middle of a lesson.
I'm here to tell you that Mrs. Towers will be
your room parent for the week.
Mrs. Schneider is my room parent.
There's been a change.
Mrs. Towers will be your room parent
for as long as she wants.
Ohh, thank you, Marty.
I will be sure to add your proposal
for Administrator's Appreciation Week to our agenda.
Thank you so much.
Okay. I'm onto your game.
But it is so nice to have you.
Please, take a seat.
Okay, so where were we?
With all of that sunshine and water
and carbon dioxide, in the plants' bellies.
Oh, uh, plants don't have bellies.
Heh. They have chloroplasts.
- What? - Chloroplasts.
Chloroplasts convert energy molecules, not bellies.
That's so helpful. Thank you.
Mm.
Like I said, with all of the nutrients
in the plants' chloroplasts, they turn green...
Actually, the green color comes from chlorophyll.
You should probably teach at the top
of your intelligence level.
Oh, oh, maybe you're there already.
Will you guys excuse me?
I am onto you, bitch, and I'm not putting
your basic son in my gifted program
no matter what you do.
You don't get it.
The PTA isn't just me.
Huh, a bunch of students standing around
holding each other?
"Circle hug" is not a game. There's no winner.
Everyone wins because everyone feels loved.
- It's perfect. - It's diarrhea.
Someone doesn't always have to win.
Uh, okay. I don't have time
to explain America to you right now.
Hey, we're done separating the soccer balls
from the volleyballs
and laying out the chalk lines and putting up the nets.
Are you guys gonna do anything?
We were assuming that the people in charge of field day
might actually participate in setting it up.
Okay, we're wrestling
with the sociological implications of field day,
which you could not possibly understand.
Yeah.
We're the queen bees,
and you're the worker bees.
Just accept your roles
and go sort the Wiffle balls.
Okay?
Sweater-wearing whore.
Tabbouleh-breath bitch.
Oh,
there will be blood.
Yesterday we talked about these.
The wiener and the maze?
Yes, the wiener and the maze.
So this is filled with little tadpoles.
And this is filled with a great big egg.
You dropped the maze.
Uh, actually this is a cross section
of the female reproductive system.
Don't worry, Ms. Bennigan.
I was in medical school for a year
before I dropped out to take better care of Blake.
Hot Doctor.
Okay.
This is a penis.
When a man is sexually aroused,
the penis encourages with blood
and becomes erect so it can enter the vagina.
You got this.
The vagina has many different parts.
This larger fold is a labia majora,
and underneath is a labia minora,
which cups this opening here
where the penis enters.
Now, the vagina is prepared for the penis to enter
because it's already produced a lubricating mucus.
Ms. Bennigan, can you please bring the vagina closer
so that I can demonstrate sexual intercourse?
The penis will enter...
And reenter...
And reenter
until the male climaxes and ejaculates,
fertilizing the egg.
I guess that could be a part of it too.
Sorry. I can't get it either.
That's cool.
We can turn it into an event.
Oh, hey, I got one.
If you can kick your steel-toed combat boot
from here into that garbage can across the room,
you get to have sex with Stacian Lawrence.
From the local pizza ads?
Oh, my panties.
Sex, sex, sex...
is that all anyone thinks about?
Why is everyone so obsessed with sex?
Is it really that great?
Yeah.
- You okay, ML? - No.
Teaching sex ed with Hot Dad was a mistake.
Then I kissed him...
- Sort of. - Uh-oh.
Sounds like you took it a little too far.
Doi!
I'll never be comfortable with sex.
Now Hot Dad thinks I'm a total doof box.
I'm never gonna get married,
and then saving my hymen will have been for nothing!
Hey, where's the ball bag?
Under the penis!
I am not an idiot!
Right over here.
What is going on?
Oh, we're having a bake sale.
In my parking spot?
We're the PTA.
We will kill you.
What?
What happened to my desk?
The PTA needed it.
Ahh!
That's how the baby comes out.
The end.
Why don't you have a baby?
Well...
because I'm not married yet.
You don't have to be married to have a baby.
My cousin Savannah got pregnant,
and she doesn't even have a boyfriend.
Well, some people think that you should wait.
Yeah, losers and fraidycats.
I'm not a fraidycat.
I'm a virgin.
Is there something wrong with you?
No.
I'm just choosing to wait for the right person,
and I know that's not very attractive to some people,
but it's who I am.
And someday, all of you
will have to make that choice too.
Just because your friends have sex
without so much as a how-de-do
doesn't mean that you have to.
Hmm.
I just taught you guys something about sex.
Okay, guys, we're gonna play
a super fun game called the invisible shoe kick.
Why don't we just kick our real shoes?
Because yesterday when Mrs. Adler
kicked her steel-toed boot,
she hit Mr. Spinnoli in the head,
and now he's getting something called an MRI.
All right, popular kids in the middle.
Everyone else grab a ball.
What's this stupid game called, anyway?
Getting even.
Go, go, go. Go, go, go.
Everyone please line up for the three-legged race.
Okay, I am tweaking out.
The PTA is seriously out to get me.
I'm pretty sure they visited my mom
in her nursing home.
- Oh, my God. - I know.
I'm, like, scared.
Runners, on your mark.
- Get set. - Ahh!
Please stop!
- Come on! - Stop! Stop!
Well, ladies, looks like today
has been quite a success.
Yeah, pretty good.
Wait. Where are Watson and Cannon?
I would like to congratulate them.
- I haven't seen 'em. You? - Nope.
Feldman, Adler, unlock this door!
Come on!
Let us out!
Hello! We're in charge!
Now tell me it doesn't matter who wins and loses.
God.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Here, use this.
Fine, but I'm gonna wipe
with your ribbons.
Remember, Blake, keep that lead leg long and high.
Ms. Bennigan.
Hot Dad.
Hi.
Thanks so much for the sex with help ed.
I just want to let you know
I thought you did a great job yesterday.
- Oh. - No, seriously.
I thought it was really cool how honest
you were with the kids.
Thank you.
And you shouldn't be embarrassed
about being a virgin.
I think it's very sweet.
You okay?
- Yeah! - Ms. Bennigan?
Yes!
My hymen!
My little smarties,
I am so excited to see your artistic interpretation
of "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"
by Robert Frost.
Oh, that is powerful.
So moving.
Beautiful.
Charles, can you explain your drawing?
It's a hotdog.
So gifted.