(both laughing)
(sighs loudly)
Oh, God.
We are good at what we do, aren't we?
That we are.
If I had the energy, I would
totally high five you right now.
Ooh, yikes! I missed 25 calls
and 46 e-mails!
I missed two Instagram likes
and an e-mail from Michelle Obama.
"Dear Americans..." Oh, this is serious.
We have to get out of this bed and get back to our lives.
Yes, that we do.
Is that your hand on my breast?
Is that your breast on my hand?
(both moaning)
Sync and corrections by squallounet www.addic7ed.com
I can't believe you haven't made one comment
about what's in my basket.
You notice anything unusual?
Lady deodorant.
Pink razors.
Is this a hint? Because in some countries,
- I'm too groomed. - No.
I'm in a mature relationship,
so I'm maturely buying chick crap
for Catherine to leave at my apartment.
As opposed to the chick crap that you use at your apartment?
All right, make your little jokes, Amy Schumer.
Now, see, over the years, women have wanted to leave
stuff like this at my apartment, I've resisted.
Oh.
Catherine is different.
And this gesture is my way of showing her.
No, you know what?
I am very happy for you. This is big.
It almost justifies you dragging me out here
- to brag about your progress. - Yeah.
Someday when you're in a relationship,
you'll get to experience all this, too.
I am in a relationship.
Remember Craig, the musician?
Craig, Cra...
I get all those Hollywood white guys mixed up.
- Oh, my... - That's the beauty of Catherine.
She's diverse.
She looks like our country.
Remind why I agreed to help you.
Oh, right, for the free stuff.
(gasps) Ooh!
Cough syrup with codeine.
Or as I like to call it... codeine with cough syrup.
Are you allowed to-to drink this in the store?
Mm-hmm.
I'll-I'll pay.
And here we are.
Yep.
It took a woman like Catherine Sanders
to finally get Jimmy Martino to buy his lady tampons.
Do they sell guns here?
Which ones do you think she'd like?
Now, keep in mind she's a CEO,
- so money is no object. - No, no.
It's an important decision. Could you draw me a picture
of what her vagina looks like? Which way does it lean?
Well, left...
My God, you're actually trying to answer that.
Oh, sorry.
These are for my girlfriend.
Embarrassing, right?
You hear that? I just said "girlfriend."
I suppose "boyfriend" is gonna be next.
Ah, see it was.
Thank you.
(groans)
Edie, isn't this great?
Now that Mommy and Daddy are a couple,
she can walk around naked.
I'm wearing a towel.
Yeah, but when you sat down...
- Never mind. - (sneezes loudly)
Holy crap! What the hell was that?
- I just sneezed. - No, this is you sneezing.
(high-pitched): Achoo.
- Achoo! - Exactly.
Oh, that's public sneeze persona.
I guess I'm just getting comfortable around you.
(chuckles) You know what?
I love this, you know?
Even though we've known each other for years,
there's still so much we get
to discover about each other now.
If you're saying you want us to keep
the door open when we use the bathroom,
I'm way ahead of you.
Actually been waiting for the right time
to ask you to stop that.
But you know what?
There is one very important part
of my life that you haven't experienced yet.
You having disposable income? Hey-o!
Just kidding. We're equally poor.
No, I'm talking about Friday movie night.
I've been doing it with my mom ever since I was a kid,
but I never brought a girl to it.
You're saying I can come to movie night? Really?
Hell yeah. It's the best.
It's a whole big tradition.
And let's just say it ain't your mama's movie night.
Although it is my mama's movie night.
Cool. Should I bring popcorn?
Nah, just bring your love of cinema
and adventure.
Popcorn, she says.
Wait, you've never borrowed money from an employee?
Oh, it's the best.
They can't say no.
And they never have the balls to ask for it back.
That sounds absolutely awful.
And I'm dying to try it.
Watch this. Annelise, can I borrow...?
Not now, Jimmy, I'm busy.
It's okay. I know where her purse is.
ANNELISE: I'm moving it.
Close your eyes. I have something for you.
Ooh, I hope you didn't spend too much.
And you didn't.
Feminine products.
Wow, well, you really know how to spoil a girl.
And I got you a whole toiletry kit
that you can keep at my apartment...
complete with a Sonicare toothbrush,
charging as we speak.
That is really sweet.
It's a little weird,
but I love it.
- Mwah. - (phone rings)
(groans)
My sister is a world-class nightmare.
She was dropped on her head
once and it's her excuse for everything.
I'm sorry, I'm just having a bad day.
I know exactly what you need.
Stay right here, okay?
Ravi, Catherine's having a bad day.
Our Catherine? What's wrong? Is she okay?
I don't know, but you're gonna make it all better
by making a killer plate
of cavatelli alla norcina with black truffles, stat.
Oh, and everyone, I know I said
the most important meal you ever made was for Mark Wahlberg.
Well, forget it.
It's for my girlfriend.
Okay, so listen, I'm-I'm at dinner.
I got to go.
No, just some guy I'm seeing.
"Just some guy I'm seeing"?
All right, people. Prepare to be titillated.
I want your opinion on my love life.
Oh, can it wait?
Edie thinks she's cooking spaghetti.
It is literally the cutest thing I've ever seen.
No, it can't wait.
Oh, that is the cutest little thing.
- Bam! - Bam!
Thank you.
All right, Gerald, get her out of here.
We have important things to talk about.
Okay, people, give us a minute.
- Inner circle stuff. - They can stay.
Okay, maybe we can just get rid of one of them.
(whispers): Doesn't matter who.
All right, so this is
about my girlfriend Catherine.
Wow, "girlfriend."
Did you hear that, Edie?
Not only did he say "girlfriend,"
but he said it casually.
Don't alert the tabloids yet, Edie.
Okay.
Last night, she referred to me as
"just some guy she's seeing."
Why doesn't she see me as her boyfriend?
I mean, I give her gifts.
We have a one-to-one orgasm ratio.
Dad, stop. Did you ever consider
that perhaps you don't see yourself as a boyfriend?
Gerald, I don't have time
for your Chinese philosophy.
Maybe she's dating someone better?
Like who, Victor... God?
Or maybe she's aware of your reputation.
Pillar of the community?
Lovable man slut of the community.
Remember what comes up when you make me Google you?
Dozens of Getty Image photos of you
- and young gorgeous women. - There's me and the triplets.
Maybe that's making her afraid to get serious with you.
You know what? You're right.
Yeah, maybe Catherine thinks of me as a playboy.
That I'm too good for her.
I didn't say that last thing.
I know the one thing that'll fix this.
You go online and replace every woman
in a photo with you with a really handsome guy.
No, no, Victor, don't do that.
Seriously, I'll be very mad if you do that.
You know, honestly if I were you, I would...
Gerald, before you finish that sentence,
I want you to stop and honestly ask yourself,
"Does this have anything to do with Chinese philosophy?"
It doesn't.
But I think you might think it does.
So... we're gonna go.
Say "peace out, Grandpa."
Peace out, Dampa.
Once again, Annelise is right.
Catherine thinks of me as a player.
I'm gonna have to double down on this boyfriend stuff.
Make her think I'm in for the long haul,
and you know what? I know just what to do.
That's my boss.
(chuckling)
Mmm, that's salty.
Not usable.
♪ ♪
You did tell her
the proceedings start at 7:00, right?
Mom, it's 7:02. Let's cut her some slack.
That's what I did at 7:01.
(door opens)
I brought Tokyo Drift, bitches.
Let's watch.
Bu...
Uh, hey.
Look, I love that you're so excited about this,
but it's not so simple.
Yeah, we have a well-established
movie selection process
that's actually more fun than the movie.
Unless we go with my first pick, Capote.
- Veto. - Reverse veto.
Danny DeVito.
That's well played.
Um... okay.
This is... different.
All right. So it's your turn, babe.
Now do you want to make a pick or do you
want to pass and bank one of your vetoes?
VANESSA: Hmm...
I'd go with...
Happy Gilmore.
That's a great idea!
If it hadn't been Veto Corleone'd last week.
- Yeah. - What does that mean?
Well, it's a long story.
But a great one. See...
I'll get it from context.
It's Mama's turn.
What about...
The Love Guru?
You're just trying to burn one of my vetoes.
No, I want to watch The Love Guru.
All right.
Let's watch the famously-hated movie
that we only own because it was
in the DVD player we bought off Craigslist.
Veto.
(laughs)
All right.
Not that this parliamentary exercise is not a blast,
but we are going to watch a movie tonight, right?
I don't know.
Maybe we should ask,
- uh, Forrest Gump. - Nagasaki!
Ah! Can't watch it for the next five years.
My plan all along!
Oh! All right.
I could use one of my ricochets...
but I've only got 90 left.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...
Oh, don't act like you like romcoms.
SARA: Ah ha ha ha!
You don't know what I'm gonna do!
- (doorbells rings) - (whistling)
Coming!
Ooh, sexy.
Business on the outside,
naked body underneath.
Yes, that is how clothing works.
So, I got the twist-off kind
so I could drink while I waited in line to pay.
Okay.
- My sister... - Uh-huh.
Has now somehow turned my folks against me.
I mean, I gave her a job.
- Mm. - Listen to what she said...
Yeah, hold that thought,
because I have a special treat for you.
Oh. Well, is it another bottle of wine?
Because this one is almost empty.
No, better than that.
And it's so messed up,
because my sister works for me.
Well, she did work for me, until just recently...
May I present...
Marv, my doorman. Marv, Catherine;
Catherine, Marv.
We met downstairs
when you were calling your sister a whore.
Mm.
Yes. Nice to meet you. Again.
Now, Marv, you've known me for a while and, uh,
you've seen me date a number of women, have you not?
Mm-hmm. All sorts of women.
Blondes, brunettes;
25-year-olds, 28-year-olds;
twins, triplets...
JIMMY: Right, right, right.
And what is the one thing
- that none of 'em had? - A college degree.
Marv.
No. No, walk-in privileges to my apartment.
Right? So, Marv,
as my witness,
I hereby give Catherine Sanders
permission to come and go at her leisure.
No signing in, no buzzing up.
That is against leasing company policy.
Right. Thanks, Marv.
So, what do you think, huh?
Are you surprised?
It's really not necessary, Jimmy.
I can just get buzzed up the normal way.
That would be a lot better for me, leasing company-wise.
Uh, thanks, Marv.
Wait a minute. I don't, I don't understand.
I don't see how you're not jumping for joy over this.
I'm giving you the keys to this castle.
It's a privilege that I didn't even extend to Lucy Liu...
and yes, this is my subtle way of telling you I dated Lucy Liu.
You are acting like a child, Jimmy,
and if you haven't noticed,
I am already dealing with one of those today.
What are you talking about?
Oh, my God, you really don't know.
Why don't we just get this out in the open?
You don't think I'm boyfriend material, do you?
- Are you? - Yes.
- How does Marv not prove that? - Really?
Carting out your doorman?
You are unbelievable, Jimmy.
Yeah, and you're unappreciative.
You know how many women in this town would love this privilege?
Then call them.
- Oh! - Shh!
(phone ringing, groans)
And it's my sister, for the billionth time.
(sighs) You know what? I have to go.
Hey, Marv.
(ringing continues)
Maybe you could just put Catherine's name down on
- the sublease so it'll all work out... - Get out, Marv.
(drumroll)
(trumpeting)
GERALD: All right.
It was a long process, but once again,
the system has prevailed.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Regarding Henry.
VANESSA: I don't get it.
Does anybody even want to see this movie?
No.
But that's movie night.
I think it's getting kind of late.
And even if it weren't,
I think I'm gonna hit the hay.
Nah. Are you sure?
Very sure. Good night.
(sighs)
Tonight was about showing
this tradition that I love to Vanessa
and she hated it.
What does that mean?
Are we just... incompatible?
Hey, movie night ain't for everyone.
But good news, now that she's gone,
Patriot Games is back on the table.
Hah!
Far be it from me to question you,
but why are you restocking the oral hygiene aisle?
I'm returning all the things I bought for Catherine.
We're done.
Okay, but you know you can't return items
just by putting them back the shelf.
Well, how else do you do it?
Annelise usually does it for me.
You have to wait in line,
talk to the manager,
show them the receipt, give them the credit...
I'm not doing all that.
So why are you and Catherine done?
Got in a fight.
And she said she wanted to break up?
Well, not in so many words,
but that's usually what happens with me.
We get in a fight, we break up and we never talk again.
Every relationship has fights.
Craig and I once had a huge yelling fight
over whether or not Tori
was on The Bachelor for the right reasons.
Well, she wasn't, clearly.
- Right? - Right?
Anyway, after I gave him
the silent treatment for a couple of hours,
we came together like adults,
apologized, had crazy sex, and moved on.
Tell me what your fight was about.
I don't know. She came over last night
and she got all worked up about her sister or something.
But then I did this great thing.
I had the doorman come in
and give her walk-in privileges.
Sort of a baller twist on giving her my house key.
Wouldn't her name have to be on the sublease?
Yeah, I know.
But the point is that she got worked up,
she left and she said I wasn't boyfriend material.
Well, what was the thing with the sister?
Ah... ding, ding, ding.
So it sounds like Catherine was having a personal problem
and she could've used a little emotional support.
You know, the kind boyfriends tend to give their girlfriends.
- You think so? - Yes.
But I'm only a board-certified therapist
who's always right.
You don't think she moved on already?
(laughs) It's been eight hours.
I would've moved on already.
Go talk to her. I bet she's in her sweats
eating a pint of cookie dough ice cream. Oh, by the way,
you're buying me a pint of cookie dough ice cream.
What are you doing?
I'm not passing up free tampons.
And these are the good ones.
Oh, yeah, they are.
None of the blue liquid gets through.
Well, it doesn't.
- MAN: Yes! Yes! - (Vanessa grunts)
Rip his junk off and use it as a puppet, Roy!
- It's so violent. - Hey.
Thanks for letting us watch MMA here.
Hey, that's what couples do for each other.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know movie night wasn't your jam,
but I'm excited to find
something else we can do together, yeah?
Maybe it's mixed martial arts.
- Mm. - MAN: Oh!
- (grunts) - Make him hemorrhage!
Make him die in his 40s!
- Uh, is that allowed? - Uh, it's encouraged.
I love it when they cut to a shot of his family watching.
Hey, you know what, I mean, I feel a little weird
admitting this, and I'm not hoping for it,
but if one of them dies, it would be pretty exciting.
Hey, you actually enjoy this, baby?
Yeah, I think I do.
I mean, you know I love pro wrestling,
and I love those live surgeries on Discovery.
It's kind of like the best of both worlds.
All right, everyone, place your bets.
Shanahan versus Wong.
- (grunts) - You in, G?
Uh, I mean, I haven't, uh, placed a bet in a while.
Not long enough to forget the thrill.
Oh, my God, do you have a gambling problem?
(laughing): No.
No. Just a little online poker.
- Oh. - And some off-track betting.
Women's college basketball,
which, if you watch preseason, is basically free money.
Yo, my man, Money Mike.
Uh, what's the max wager?
You know what, don't answer that.
Hey, I'm gonna get out of here. Why don't you hide that?
That's probably best for me.
Hey, what time is the main event?
Uh, don't answer that.
Hi, Jimmy.
Hi. I just came by to tell you
that I borrowed 20 bucks from Ravi,
and I have no intention of ever paying him back.
Catherine, you're amazing.
And I really like you, and I know I was an idiot.
And, I'll tell you, if you were anyone else,
I-I would have moved on by now, but I don't want to.
And I don't think you want to either.
Everything okay?
Or is this Ken doll giving you a problem?
This is weird.
I guess so. It's just that
usually when I have a big fight with a guy,
- that's how it goes. - Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
Sounds like the beginning of a beautiful threesome.
Listen, Rick,
I know I invited you here,
but get out.
We haven't even had sex yet.
I just inhaled a pint of ice cream.
That really wasn't gonna happen anyway.
I left my brother's graduation for this?
I'm, um...
I'm gonna choose to ignore all that.
He's an old friend.
Yours is bigger.
That's all I needed to hear.
Listen, I don't know what's going on with your sister,
and that's a problem.
I mean, you needed me to listen.
That seems like a very reasonable thing
to expect from a guy who wants to be called your boyfriend.
Well, it's also pretty reasonable
that if a girl wants a guy to help, she should ask.
I did feel this was mostly your fault.
For two very successful people,
we are idiots when it comes to relationships.
And what do we do now?
Kissing couldn't hurt.
- Oh. - (chuckles softly)
You know what?
I think we should wait on that.
Did the horny guy who just left kill the mood?
No, no. It's just that I think that
what a boyfriend and girlfriend are supposed to do now is cook
and sit on the couch and talk and listen to ea...
Yeah. Well, the horny guy did sort of kill it, too.
Come on. Now, tell me about this horrible sister of yours.
- (knocking) - RICK: Yo! I left my phone in there!
Ooh. Baby, you can't have that.
Baby, you can't have that.
EDIE: My beer.
Hey, Vanessa, we need to talk about something.
Your laptop was broken before my cousins got here.
Fine. Money Mike broke it.
Fine. I broke it.
It's okay. I got it all backed up
on my external hard drive.
(hissing inhale) Money Mike broke that.
Fine. I broke that, too.
Let's... talk about that later.
Look... Vanessa, I'm-I'm worried about us.
You know? I mean, you didn't like my thing,
and I literally can't do your thing ever.
We're two very different people.
Since when's that news?
I know, but it's just...
what's our relationship gonna look like
if we can't do anything together?
How will that work?
It just will.
Why aren't you worried about this?
Gerald, nothing about you and me should work.
- Not helping. - Think about it.
We got pregnant when we weren't even dating,
we both still live with our families,
my grandmother hates white people.
Since when do we care about that stuff?
I love you.
Even during movie night, I loved you.
I love you, too.
And we're still getting to know each other, right?
Mm-hmm.
We'll figure out tons of stuff to do together.
Like, um... do you like mini golf?
- No. - Do you like gun ranges?
- No. - Do you like road trips?
No.
Do you like just shooting guns in the desert?
- No. - Oh. Do you like...?
- Kissing? - Yes.
My beer.
So, I caught my sister looking at porn at work.
Oh.
And-and I told her to stop, and she said no,
- so I had to fire her. - Hmm.
I mean, filthy stuff.
Genres that I didn't even know existed.
Really? Good thing I don't work for you.
(laughs) I'm just kidding.
I've got my own little porn star right here.
Is that a romantic, boyfriendy thing to say?
- Uh-uh, not really. - I didn't think so, no.
(loud, indistinct chatter on TV)
Oh, want to watch The Bachelorette? It's 8:00.
I dated her for a hot minute.
- Oh, she's cute. - See what else is on.
Ooh, big Bill O'Reilly, huh?
How about The O'Reilly Factor?
Oh, no, you did not.
He was liberal in bed.
I love that we're both funny.
(doorbell rings) Who's that? Backup booty call?
- Been there. - Wait. No.
Coming!
Jimmy, this is my security guard Brent.
Brent, this is Jimmy,
my boyfriend.
No need to buzz him up from the gate.
He can drive on whenever he wants.
Thank you.
You know, when I say we should just cuddle and talk,
I completely forgot about make-up sex.
Oh, right! It slipped my mind, too.
Did you really sleep with Bill O'Reilly?
Yours is bigger.
Ah. All I needed to hear.
(laughing)
Sync and corrections by squallounet www.addic7ed.com