1
00:00:00,023 --> 00:00:02,608
- [Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On"]
- _
2
00:00:02,633 --> 00:00:04,833
♪ I've been really trying baby ♪
3
00:00:04,835 --> 00:00:07,236
Hey, handsome. What's
taking you so long?
4
00:00:07,238 --> 00:00:10,773
I'm making you want it more.
5
00:00:13,010 --> 00:00:14,443
It's working.
6
00:00:14,445 --> 00:00:15,978
We can do it right here
7
00:00:15,980 --> 00:00:18,147
and not walk up stairs...
8
00:00:18,149 --> 00:00:22,818
apply the energy that
we saved to the sex.
9
00:00:22,820 --> 00:00:25,888
The kitchen? So dirty.
10
00:00:25,890 --> 00:00:29,324
Really dirty.
11
00:00:29,326 --> 00:00:31,026
♪ Let's get it on ♪
12
00:00:31,028 --> 00:00:33,462
_
13
00:00:33,464 --> 00:00:36,565
The kitchen is so dirty.
14
00:00:38,869 --> 00:00:40,836
Really dirty.
15
00:00:40,838 --> 00:00:42,905
I guess the experiment of waiting to see
16
00:00:42,907 --> 00:00:44,840
if the girls would clean
up after themselves
17
00:00:44,842 --> 00:00:46,675
didn't turn out so hot.
18
00:00:46,677 --> 00:00:50,746
That was a swing and a miss.
19
00:00:50,748 --> 00:00:54,883
I was up all night helping Shea
fill out job applications.
20
00:00:54,885 --> 00:00:57,853
Good. Maybe she'll get a job
and fill up that gas tank.
21
00:00:57,855 --> 00:00:59,722
Apparently they think the flashing red E
22
00:00:59,724 --> 00:01:03,292
stands for "excellent, keep driving."
23
00:01:03,294 --> 00:01:05,427
Well, at least Stella
broke up with Justin.
24
00:01:05,429 --> 00:01:07,362
So that's good.
25
00:01:07,364 --> 00:01:09,765
Although there has been
a lot of rebounding.
26
00:01:09,767 --> 00:01:11,333
High-school guys had the decency
27
00:01:11,335 --> 00:01:12,468
to sneak out the window.
28
00:01:12,470 --> 00:01:14,303
Now they come downstairs,
and I have to pretend
29
00:01:14,305 --> 00:01:16,238
like I don't want to
punch them in the face.
30
00:01:18,943 --> 00:01:22,411
You know what would take
our minds off of this?
31
00:01:22,413 --> 00:01:26,548
Remember that naked thing we used to do?
32
00:01:26,550 --> 00:01:28,050
It has been a while.
33
00:01:28,052 --> 00:01:32,054
[telephone ringing]
34
00:01:32,056 --> 00:01:34,223
Martina Moore.
35
00:01:34,225 --> 00:01:36,024
Hello, Jeremy.
36
00:01:36,026 --> 00:01:37,025
Sorry.
37
00:01:37,027 --> 00:01:38,961
I should take this in my office.
38
00:01:38,963 --> 00:01:42,664
So no naked thing.
39
00:01:42,666 --> 00:01:45,234
- Morning, Dad.
- Hey, sweetie.
40
00:01:45,236 --> 00:01:46,835
I finally got my applications off
41
00:01:46,837 --> 00:01:48,737
to every astrophysics lab I could find.
42
00:01:48,739 --> 00:01:49,905
Oh, well, that's good.
43
00:01:49,907 --> 00:01:52,741
Is it? What if I don't get in anywhere?
44
00:01:52,743 --> 00:01:54,543
Focus on my social life, you say?
45
00:01:54,545 --> 00:01:57,112
I don't think so, 'cause
that's a complete disaster.
46
00:01:59,750 --> 00:02:02,151
Maybe there's some larger perspective
47
00:02:02,153 --> 00:02:04,520
that you could take solace from.
48
00:02:04,522 --> 00:02:05,788
You're right.
49
00:02:05,790 --> 00:02:08,924
Life is short, random, and
ultimately pointless.
50
00:02:08,926 --> 00:02:11,093
There you go.
51
00:02:12,663 --> 00:02:14,530
Oh, hey, guys, what are
you still doing up?
52
00:02:14,532 --> 00:02:15,864
It's morning, Stella.
53
00:02:15,866 --> 00:02:19,568
Oh, that explains a lot.
54
00:02:19,570 --> 00:02:21,470
That's one crazy-looking wig.
55
00:02:21,472 --> 00:02:24,273
- It's not a wig.
- I like it.
56
00:02:26,076 --> 00:02:27,409
Thanks, Dad.
57
00:02:27,411 --> 00:02:28,710
This girl Jessica did it.
58
00:02:28,712 --> 00:02:31,280
We got wasted, and she cut
it, and I honestly think
59
00:02:31,282 --> 00:02:33,048
she's gonna be the next big thing...
60
00:02:33,050 --> 00:02:37,152
not in hairdressing, but in
telling people what to do.
61
00:02:37,154 --> 00:02:38,153
[cell phone rings]
62
00:02:38,155 --> 00:02:39,655
Oh, it's your grandparents.
63
00:02:39,657 --> 00:02:40,823
The new rule is they have to text
64
00:02:40,825 --> 00:02:43,292
before they come over, and
then I can text back...
65
00:02:43,294 --> 00:02:46,762
"Not home."
66
00:02:46,764 --> 00:02:47,863
And send.
67
00:02:47,865 --> 00:02:50,933
I'm a genius.
68
00:02:50,935 --> 00:02:52,434
What do you mean you're not home?
69
00:02:52,436 --> 00:02:54,636
We can see you, genius!
70
00:02:57,575 --> 00:02:58,874
What's the purpose of a text
71
00:02:58,876 --> 00:03:00,309
if you're just gonna barge in anyway?
72
00:03:00,311 --> 00:03:03,378
How should we know? It's your system.
73
00:03:03,380 --> 00:03:06,782
Oh, good Lord, girl, your hair is pink.
74
00:03:06,784 --> 00:03:08,317
I know, right?
75
00:03:08,319 --> 00:03:10,085
Hi, everyone.
76
00:03:10,087 --> 00:03:11,854
Oh, this is my new friend Jessica.
77
00:03:11,856 --> 00:03:14,556
She's completely freegan,
has a sick Instagram,
78
00:03:14,558 --> 00:03:16,458
and she knows Drake.
79
00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:17,659
I don't know
80
00:03:17,661 --> 00:03:20,829
if those are positive
or negative qualities.
81
00:03:20,831 --> 00:03:21,964
Nice to meet all of you.
82
00:03:21,966 --> 00:03:25,434
- Stell, I got to bounce.
- Okay, bye, Jess.
83
00:03:31,575 --> 00:03:34,443
Oh, my God!
84
00:03:34,445 --> 00:03:37,179
You cut your hair!
85
00:03:41,018 --> 00:03:44,019
[upbeat music]
86
00:03:49,588 --> 00:03:51,994
- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -
87
00:03:51,996 --> 00:03:55,530
So, what, you're gay now?
88
00:03:55,532 --> 00:03:57,132
Dad, just because I slept with a girl
89
00:03:57,134 --> 00:03:59,001
doesn't mean I'm a lesbian.
90
00:03:59,003 --> 00:04:02,437
Doesn't it, though?
91
00:04:02,439 --> 00:04:04,039
You know whose fault this is?
92
00:04:04,041 --> 00:04:06,909
The Democrats?
93
00:04:06,911 --> 00:04:08,543
Not this time.
94
00:04:08,545 --> 00:04:09,645
This comes from all that
95
00:04:09,647 --> 00:04:12,381
"everything you do is great" parenting.
96
00:04:12,383 --> 00:04:14,917
Why are you here?
97
00:04:14,919 --> 00:04:17,152
Well, certainly not to
see my granddaughter
98
00:04:17,154 --> 00:04:19,855
kiss somebody else's granddaughter.
99
00:04:19,857 --> 00:04:21,990
Come on, Alice, let's go.
100
00:04:21,992 --> 00:04:24,026
It really is no big deal.
101
00:04:24,028 --> 00:04:26,929
She's right. Sexuality
is very fluid now.
102
00:04:26,931 --> 00:04:29,765
People don't adhere to
specific traditional labels.
103
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:30,899
What's wrong with labels?
104
00:04:30,901 --> 00:04:33,435
That's how you know what stuff is.
105
00:04:33,437 --> 00:04:37,072
See? This is water.
106
00:04:37,074 --> 00:04:39,675
That's vodka.
107
00:04:43,447 --> 00:04:45,113
I fill it before I go out.
108
00:04:45,115 --> 00:04:47,649
I don't do bar prices.
109
00:04:47,651 --> 00:04:50,852
Great. Thrifty but criminal.
110
00:04:50,854 --> 00:04:52,921
More labels... criminal, gay.
111
00:04:52,923 --> 00:04:54,589
You're so uptight about everything.
112
00:04:54,591 --> 00:04:56,224
I mean, Mom slept with a woman.
113
00:04:56,226 --> 00:04:57,759
- What?
- What?
114
00:04:57,761 --> 00:05:01,663
[giggles nervously]
115
00:05:01,665 --> 00:05:04,366
It was in college before I met you.
116
00:05:04,368 --> 00:05:05,434
It's nothing.
117
00:05:05,436 --> 00:05:07,135
No, it's not nothing if your husband
118
00:05:07,137 --> 00:05:10,272
doesn't know about it,
but your daughters do.
119
00:05:10,274 --> 00:05:12,841
The girls are my friends.
120
00:05:12,843 --> 00:05:14,710
What am I?
121
00:05:14,712 --> 00:05:16,511
Dad, I don't want to boring-shame you,
122
00:05:16,513 --> 00:05:18,780
but your Disney prince would
be Snow White's prince,
123
00:05:18,782 --> 00:05:23,218
and his name was literally
just "The Prince."
124
00:05:23,220 --> 00:05:26,021
You're a little vanilla when
it comes to this stuff.
125
00:05:26,023 --> 00:05:29,958
You are what you eat. [laughs]
126
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,160
Yeah, yeah, Dad's vanilla,
127
00:05:32,162 --> 00:05:34,429
but we're all cool and gay.
128
00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:38,900
Well, I'm not gay, but maybe
if I were less straight,
129
00:05:38,902 --> 00:05:40,969
it would broaden my opportunities.
130
00:05:40,971 --> 00:05:42,904
I keep telling you to try a dating app.
131
00:05:42,906 --> 00:05:44,639
That's how I met Jessica.
132
00:05:44,641 --> 00:05:46,241
I don't know.
133
00:05:46,243 --> 00:05:47,442
Why can't I just meet somebody
134
00:05:47,444 --> 00:05:49,711
getting stuck in a revolving door
135
00:05:49,713 --> 00:05:51,980
or sharing the same taxi
136
00:05:51,982 --> 00:05:54,449
or having a big conglomerate
open up across the street
137
00:05:54,451 --> 00:05:56,852
from my mom-and-pop bookstore?
138
00:05:56,854 --> 00:05:58,920
And then I meet the head
of the conglomerate,
139
00:05:58,922 --> 00:06:00,489
and darn it if he doesn't drive me crazy
140
00:06:00,491 --> 00:06:03,225
in the beginning...
141
00:06:03,227 --> 00:06:06,695
but then he wins me over.
142
00:06:06,697 --> 00:06:09,331
Mom and I will help you
make a dating profile,
143
00:06:09,333 --> 00:06:11,099
and you've got nothing to worry about.
144
00:06:11,101 --> 00:06:12,567
I've seen you naked, and your boobs
145
00:06:12,569 --> 00:06:15,003
are like two perfect handfuls of perky.
146
00:06:15,005 --> 00:06:16,738
I'm out.
147
00:06:19,943 --> 00:06:21,376
And there's nothing wrong with vanilla.
148
00:06:21,378 --> 00:06:25,247
They're exotic beans, and
their flavor is exquisite.
149
00:06:26,583 --> 00:06:29,851
Oh, so good.
150
00:06:29,853 --> 00:06:32,821
[upbeat music]
151
00:06:32,823 --> 00:06:35,390
What's bothering you, huh?
152
00:06:35,392 --> 00:06:37,692
Is it that free-love,
hippie-commune thing
153
00:06:37,694 --> 00:06:39,761
you got going on at your place?
154
00:06:39,763 --> 00:06:43,565
You miss Nixon, don't you?
155
00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:46,902
Every day.
156
00:06:46,904 --> 00:06:50,405
Look, you made a big stink that
we should talk more, so talk.
157
00:06:50,407 --> 00:06:52,040
All right, fine.
158
00:06:52,042 --> 00:06:54,309
Martina and I used to have a
good, frequent thing going,
159
00:06:54,311 --> 00:06:56,778
and now that the girls are home,
it's not happening at all.
160
00:06:56,780 --> 00:07:01,650
Wah, wah. Stop crying.
You'll ruin your dress.
161
00:07:01,652 --> 00:07:04,619
I'm sorry, habit. Go on.
162
00:07:04,621 --> 00:07:06,321
So I think I got it figured out.
163
00:07:06,323 --> 00:07:09,357
The girls are poisoning
Martina against me.
164
00:07:09,359 --> 00:07:11,993
They say I'm vanilla.
She sees me as vanilla.
165
00:07:11,995 --> 00:07:14,262
And she doesn't want to
have sex with vanilla.
166
00:07:14,264 --> 00:07:16,264
It's like the old days.
It's three against one.
167
00:07:16,266 --> 00:07:17,432
I wish I had a son.
168
00:07:17,434 --> 00:07:19,835
It isn't that great.
169
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,541
Look, I went through something
similar with your mother,
170
00:07:26,543 --> 00:07:28,877
and it's one of the
reasons why we split up.
171
00:07:28,879 --> 00:07:31,746
She was a free spirit, into
all that New Age crap,
172
00:07:31,748 --> 00:07:34,015
and, well, she saw me as a square cop
173
00:07:34,017 --> 00:07:35,784
who wouldn't try new things.
174
00:07:35,786 --> 00:07:37,352
You can't let this slide, Mike.
175
00:07:37,354 --> 00:07:38,920
You got to spice things up.
176
00:07:38,922 --> 00:07:40,455
How do you propose I do that?
177
00:07:40,457 --> 00:07:43,492
Well, I got some tips from movies.
178
00:07:47,397 --> 00:07:48,463
Movies?
179
00:07:48,465 --> 00:07:49,898
You know...
180
00:07:49,900 --> 00:07:51,566
movies.
181
00:07:54,905 --> 00:07:57,606
Are you talking about porn?
182
00:07:57,608 --> 00:08:00,642
Yeah, but I'm trying
to be a little classy.
183
00:08:00,644 --> 00:08:02,444
All right, you got a
computer, don't you?
184
00:08:02,446 --> 00:08:04,246
You won't believe what they got going on
185
00:08:04,248 --> 00:08:06,548
in that thing.
186
00:08:06,550 --> 00:08:08,083
I know what they got
going on in that thing.
187
00:08:08,085 --> 00:08:09,351
I'm just more of a magazine guy.
188
00:08:09,353 --> 00:08:10,352
I don't need plot.
189
00:08:10,354 --> 00:08:13,989
I don't care how the pizza got there.
190
00:08:13,991 --> 00:08:17,058
Y'all talking about porn?
191
00:08:17,060 --> 00:08:18,360
I have to say, your father became
192
00:08:18,362 --> 00:08:21,129
a much better lover after
we watched a few films.
193
00:08:21,131 --> 00:08:24,099
You have to say that?
194
00:08:24,101 --> 00:08:25,672
It seems like you want to say that.
195
00:08:30,305 --> 00:08:32,773
Okay, ToastUp is the
greatest dating app ever.
196
00:08:32,820 --> 00:08:34,420
So your picture and your profile
197
00:08:34,422 --> 00:08:35,488
are your slice of bread,
198
00:08:35,490 --> 00:08:37,223
and when you match with other slices,
199
00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:39,525
they pop up out of a toaster.
200
00:08:39,527 --> 00:08:43,329
Okay, Shea, how would
you describe your look?
201
00:08:43,331 --> 00:08:46,165
My face is fairly symmetrical,
202
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:47,867
average height,
203
00:08:47,869 --> 00:08:50,936
hips regrettably boyish.
204
00:08:50,938 --> 00:08:53,472
I'll put "banging."
205
00:08:53,474 --> 00:08:54,573
Personality?
206
00:08:54,575 --> 00:08:57,743
Typical scientist...
methodical, logical.
207
00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:00,446
Brain also "banging."
208
00:09:00,448 --> 00:09:02,481
Okay, for fun, I filled out profiles
209
00:09:02,483 --> 00:09:03,683
for you and Grandma.
210
00:09:03,685 --> 00:09:06,018
- Just open the app.
- But we're married.
211
00:09:06,020 --> 00:09:07,620
Just 'cause you're tied to the fence
212
00:09:07,622 --> 00:09:09,922
doesn't mean you can't bark at the cars.
213
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:16,696
- [toaster bell dings]
- Ooh, those are your matches.
214
00:09:16,698 --> 00:09:19,999
Well, I guess it wouldn't
hurt to take a look.
215
00:09:20,001 --> 00:09:23,803
Oh, my God, they're all so old.
216
00:09:23,805 --> 00:09:28,374
Oh, look at this fine
Denzel-looking dreamboat.
217
00:09:28,376 --> 00:09:32,411
Ha ha. That's what's out there
looking for me, ladies.
218
00:09:32,413 --> 00:09:33,746
Yeah, he's only a barista,
219
00:09:33,748 --> 00:09:35,381
but that just means he's a go-getter.
220
00:09:35,383 --> 00:09:36,549
[chuckles]
221
00:09:36,551 --> 00:09:38,484
Mm, this app is great.
222
00:09:38,486 --> 00:09:40,152
[cell phone beeps]
223
00:09:40,154 --> 00:09:43,656
Oh, wait. What's that?
Why is my toast burning?
224
00:09:43,658 --> 00:09:47,059
He's tossing your toast.
He's rejecting you.
225
00:09:47,061 --> 00:09:49,028
Rejecting me?
226
00:09:49,030 --> 00:09:53,265
That broke-ass, ratchet,
pretty-boy mother[bleep].
227
00:09:53,267 --> 00:09:54,767
I don't have time for this nonsense.
228
00:09:54,769 --> 00:09:56,769
That app sucks!
229
00:09:58,506 --> 00:09:59,839
[toaster bell dings]
230
00:09:59,841 --> 00:10:01,273
More matches, Mom?
231
00:10:01,275 --> 00:10:03,242
No, I created a profile for your dad.
232
00:10:03,244 --> 00:10:04,610
[giggles]
233
00:10:04,612 --> 00:10:06,746
Later we'll laugh about how
we can never leave each other
234
00:10:06,748 --> 00:10:08,481
because it's really bad out there and...
235
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:13,018
Oh, my God, Mike could get models.
236
00:10:13,020 --> 00:10:17,690
They're, like, 20 years younger
with tattoos and piercings.
237
00:10:17,692 --> 00:10:20,659
Mom, Dad's not going anywhere.
You make him happy.
238
00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:24,063
Yeah. I do make him happy...
239
00:10:24,065 --> 00:10:27,166
though not lately.
240
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,902
Your dad and I are a little out of sync
241
00:10:29,904 --> 00:10:32,037
in the romance department.
242
00:10:32,039 --> 00:10:33,606
Oh, my God.
243
00:10:33,608 --> 00:10:36,642
If you guys split up, where do we live?
244
00:10:39,313 --> 00:10:42,982
But it's Dad, vanilla Dad.
245
00:10:42,984 --> 00:10:46,452
You're right. I'm his vanilla.
246
00:10:46,454 --> 00:10:48,621
He's not interested in young girls.
247
00:10:48,623 --> 00:10:50,756
I'm hot, and I'm 21,
248
00:10:50,758 --> 00:10:52,792
and I live in your neighborhood.
249
00:10:52,794 --> 00:10:56,429
You don't live in my neighborhood.
250
00:10:56,431 --> 00:10:59,498
I would've remembered you.
251
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:02,001
Ooh, oh, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
252
00:11:02,003 --> 00:11:04,637
[key clacking]
253
00:11:04,639 --> 00:11:08,641
No, no, don't freeze.
254
00:11:08,643 --> 00:11:11,076
Don't freeze on that image!
255
00:11:11,078 --> 00:11:14,113
[women chattering indistinctly]
256
00:11:22,490 --> 00:11:23,756
What are you doing?
257
00:11:23,758 --> 00:11:28,294
Just putting the computer to sleep...
258
00:11:28,296 --> 00:11:32,364
like a parakeet.
259
00:11:32,366 --> 00:11:33,586
Shh.
260
00:11:39,602 --> 00:11:41,403
All right, fine.
261
00:11:41,405 --> 00:11:44,807
I was watching porn in the kitchen
262
00:11:44,809 --> 00:11:48,110
in the middle of the day.
263
00:11:48,112 --> 00:11:52,147
Just one of the many cool,
badass, non-vanilla things
264
00:11:52,149 --> 00:11:54,016
that I do.
265
00:11:56,587 --> 00:12:00,923
Oh, my God, that math on the
chalkboard's all wrong.
266
00:12:04,562 --> 00:12:07,963
That's probably why the
teacher's doing that to her.
267
00:12:07,965 --> 00:12:09,631
All right, girls, upstairs.
268
00:12:12,136 --> 00:12:15,337
Look, I can explain. I'm
not mad about the porn.
269
00:12:15,339 --> 00:12:17,573
I'm just surprised.
270
00:12:17,575 --> 00:12:19,942
Those girls are so young.
271
00:12:19,944 --> 00:12:21,977
And all those piercings?
272
00:12:21,979 --> 00:12:25,614
I didn't even know you
could pierce that.
273
00:12:25,616 --> 00:12:28,383
Well, I guess it would help you find it.
274
00:12:31,789 --> 00:12:34,056
I didn't think you liked this stuff.
275
00:12:34,058 --> 00:12:38,060
Maybe there are things
about me you don't know.
276
00:12:38,062 --> 00:12:39,795
What are you saying?
277
00:12:39,797 --> 00:12:42,364
I'm just saying, why stick
with boring old vanilla
278
00:12:42,366 --> 00:12:45,167
when there is kiwi out there?
279
00:12:47,872 --> 00:12:49,338
Why are you suddenly interested
280
00:12:49,340 --> 00:12:52,007
in hipper, younger flavors?
281
00:12:52,009 --> 00:12:53,208
I don't know.
282
00:12:53,210 --> 00:12:55,878
Maybe vanilla's getting
a little old for me.
283
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,847
But it goes to the gym all the time!
284
00:13:04,421 --> 00:13:05,921
So my mom wants to get pierced
285
00:13:05,923 --> 00:13:07,456
so she doesn't look so old next to us
286
00:13:07,458 --> 00:13:10,325
and my dad won't leave
her for someone younger.
287
00:13:10,327 --> 00:13:12,127
Oh, my God, coincidence.
288
00:13:12,129 --> 00:13:14,663
Spike dumped his old wife too.
289
00:13:14,665 --> 00:13:16,198
Why did you do that?
290
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,634
Well, she was always
focused on the kids,
291
00:13:18,636 --> 00:13:20,402
even after they grew up.
292
00:13:20,404 --> 00:13:21,837
Well, that sounds like a good mother.
293
00:13:21,839 --> 00:13:24,806
That can be very attractive.
294
00:13:24,808 --> 00:13:26,842
Yeah, but not real hot.
295
00:13:26,844 --> 00:13:28,377
Pierce me.
296
00:13:31,282 --> 00:13:35,083
[cell phone vibrating]
297
00:13:35,085 --> 00:13:37,386
"At the"...
298
00:13:44,962 --> 00:13:47,296
"Gym."
299
00:13:51,435 --> 00:13:54,002
Bob and I have been discussing
your marital problems,
300
00:13:54,004 --> 00:13:57,239
and we decided maybe we
sent you in a bad direction
301
00:13:57,241 --> 00:13:59,508
regarding the porn thing.
302
00:14:01,345 --> 00:14:03,679
Great timing.
303
00:14:05,215 --> 00:14:07,215
Anyway, Bob wants to tell you something,
304
00:14:07,217 --> 00:14:09,184
but he feels uncomfortable saying it.
305
00:14:09,186 --> 00:14:11,720
This is true.
306
00:14:11,722 --> 00:14:14,156
You got to stop worrying
about being vanilla.
307
00:14:14,158 --> 00:14:16,625
So go out, find her, do something bold,
308
00:14:16,627 --> 00:14:18,160
and rock her world,
309
00:14:18,162 --> 00:14:21,430
'cause the truth of it is,
you got a good marriage,
310
00:14:21,432 --> 00:14:24,166
the kind of marriage you
should be proud of.
311
00:14:24,168 --> 00:14:25,901
And you shouldn't make
the stupid mistakes
312
00:14:25,903 --> 00:14:27,102
your old man made.
313
00:14:27,104 --> 00:14:29,071
There, I said it.
314
00:14:34,044 --> 00:14:38,614
You and me, right here...
315
00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:40,315
right now.
316
00:14:41,986 --> 00:14:46,154
And I'm talking about
sex, if that was unclear.
317
00:14:46,156 --> 00:14:48,824
But we're in session.
318
00:14:55,156 --> 00:14:57,324
That's the ToastUp guy
I picked for Shea.
319
00:14:57,445 --> 00:14:59,178
Doesn't he look like Hozier?
320
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:02,281
Sure. Why not?
321
00:15:02,383 --> 00:15:04,116
I've never dated
somebody who looked like
322
00:15:04,218 --> 00:15:05,618
a celebrity before...
323
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:09,455
except for the one who
looked like Galileo.
324
00:15:10,105 --> 00:15:12,472
But, ironically, for someone
who looked like Galileo,
325
00:15:12,582 --> 00:15:15,350
he thought the Sun revolved around him.
326
00:15:15,452 --> 00:15:17,518
[laughing]
327
00:15:21,191 --> 00:15:25,126
I need to be around people
who know that's funny.
328
00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:27,228
I'll get your drinks.
329
00:15:27,330 --> 00:15:28,997
I was hesitant about this at first,
330
00:15:29,099 --> 00:15:31,699
but now I'm really
excited about my date.
331
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:33,735
You know, it's good for me
to put myself out there,
332
00:15:33,837 --> 00:15:35,904
take the risk, dare to be hurt.
333
00:15:36,006 --> 00:15:38,139
[scraping coming from cell phone]
334
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,108
Oh, my God, that doesn't sound good.
335
00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:41,442
What does that noise mean?
336
00:15:41,544 --> 00:15:44,679
Um, that's the toast being scraped off.
337
00:15:44,781 --> 00:15:46,648
It means he's not coming.
338
00:15:46,750 --> 00:15:48,983
I got stood up?
339
00:15:49,085 --> 00:15:50,718
I knew this was gonna happen.
340
00:15:50,820 --> 00:15:52,520
Why did I let you talk me into this?
341
00:15:52,622 --> 00:15:54,022
I was just trying to help you.
342
00:15:54,124 --> 00:15:55,390
It's not just this.
343
00:15:55,492 --> 00:15:57,292
You're always pushing
me to do dumb stuff.
344
00:15:57,394 --> 00:15:58,693
This wasn't dumb, okay?
345
00:15:58,795 --> 00:16:00,028
You took a shot. It didn't work out.
346
00:16:00,130 --> 00:16:01,029
Big deal.
347
00:16:01,131 --> 00:16:02,797
There's no reason to react this bad.
348
00:16:02,899 --> 00:16:05,300
- Badly.
- Ugh.
349
00:16:05,402 --> 00:16:08,036
Don't talk down to me.
You always do that.
350
00:16:08,138 --> 00:16:09,671
That's why we never hung
out in high school.
351
00:16:09,773 --> 00:16:12,106
We didn't hang out
because you excluded me.
352
00:16:12,208 --> 00:16:13,675
You didn't even invite me to parties
353
00:16:13,777 --> 00:16:15,576
when they were in our own house.
354
00:16:15,679 --> 00:16:17,612
I didn't invite you to those
parties because I was...
355
00:16:17,714 --> 00:16:19,514
What? What, you were too cool for me?
356
00:16:19,616 --> 00:16:21,015
- You were embarrassed by me?
- No.
357
00:16:21,117 --> 00:16:22,383
- I was just...
- Well, go ahead, say it.
358
00:16:22,485 --> 00:16:24,585
- Say how you really feel.
- I was jealous of you.
359
00:16:24,688 --> 00:16:26,554
See, I knew you were...
360
00:16:29,192 --> 00:16:30,959
What?
361
00:16:31,061 --> 00:16:34,228
- You were jealous of me?
- Obviously.
362
00:16:34,331 --> 00:16:37,465
I mean, you're basically
as pretty as I am.
363
00:16:37,567 --> 00:16:39,500
[sighs] But you're also so smart.
364
00:16:39,602 --> 00:16:40,969
You think I wouldn't like to know
365
00:16:41,071 --> 00:16:44,205
what you're saying when you talk?
366
00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:46,574
Well, I was jealous of you
367
00:16:46,676 --> 00:16:48,409
and how much attention you got,
368
00:16:48,511 --> 00:16:50,945
how much Mom and Dad worried about you.
369
00:16:51,047 --> 00:16:52,613
Plus, you were always having fun,
370
00:16:52,716 --> 00:16:54,749
and you always had a million guys.
371
00:16:54,851 --> 00:16:57,418
Well, I also had my heart
broken a million times.
372
00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,154
Wow. That's like a one-to-one ratio.
373
00:17:00,256 --> 00:17:01,889
[both laugh]
374
00:17:01,992 --> 00:17:05,526
See, I would love to
know what that means.
375
00:17:05,628 --> 00:17:08,062
You know, maybe we should hang out more
376
00:17:08,164 --> 00:17:11,165
now that we have no option
but to hang out more.
377
00:17:11,267 --> 00:17:13,468
Yeah, we totally should.
378
00:17:13,570 --> 00:17:15,370
Hey, let's go home.
379
00:17:15,472 --> 00:17:18,272
Mom and Dad are probably
missing us by now.
380
00:17:18,375 --> 00:17:19,440
- Bye, girls.
- Bye, guys.
381
00:17:19,542 --> 00:17:20,775
Bye, girl.
382
00:17:20,877 --> 00:17:22,677
Oh, my God, Bob, that's him.
383
00:17:22,779 --> 00:17:25,713
That's the guy who burned my toast.
384
00:17:25,815 --> 00:17:27,348
Oh, yeah?
385
00:17:27,450 --> 00:17:28,850
Scotch and soda, please.
386
00:17:28,952 --> 00:17:31,953
Not in my bar, buddy.
387
00:17:32,055 --> 00:17:34,222
That is one beautiful woman right there.
388
00:17:34,324 --> 00:17:37,792
How dare you burn her toast?
389
00:17:37,894 --> 00:17:39,660
Now get the hell out
and do not come back
390
00:17:39,763 --> 00:17:42,163
until you want to nail my wife.
391
00:17:45,869 --> 00:17:48,803
Wow. This is a surprise...
392
00:17:48,905 --> 00:17:54,442
an awesome surprise that
I am totally down with.
393
00:17:54,544 --> 00:17:56,644
You got something on your nose.
394
00:17:56,746 --> 00:17:58,813
I got it pierced, see?
395
00:17:58,915 --> 00:18:00,181
It's a little infected right now,
396
00:18:00,283 --> 00:18:03,484
so you can't see the stud.
397
00:18:03,586 --> 00:18:06,320
That is...
398
00:18:06,423 --> 00:18:08,289
hot?
399
00:18:09,692 --> 00:18:13,494
Hot and dirty... just how you like it.
400
00:18:13,596 --> 00:18:15,830
Yeah, you married a bad girl.
401
00:18:15,932 --> 00:18:17,098
Ooh.
402
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,233
Does this bad girl want
to do it on the desk?
403
00:18:19,335 --> 00:18:21,369
Yeah, baby, the desk,
404
00:18:21,471 --> 00:18:25,206
'cause that couch is so
lame and comfortable.
405
00:18:25,308 --> 00:18:28,142
The desk is edgy. It's got edges.
406
00:18:28,244 --> 00:18:30,845
Let's revisit the couch idea.
407
00:18:30,947 --> 00:18:33,748
The couch... still warm
from Jeremy's behind.
408
00:18:33,850 --> 00:18:35,683
All right.
409
00:18:35,785 --> 00:18:38,386
Hey, not the couch, how about the table?
410
00:18:38,488 --> 00:18:42,323
Ooh, yeah, the table... the
one we assembled ourselves
411
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:44,125
with all those leftover pieces.
412
00:18:44,227 --> 00:18:48,262
Okay, not the table, but
we've got to decide soon
413
00:18:48,364 --> 00:18:50,965
because my torn meniscus
is absolutely ki...
414
00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:52,934
Oh, oh, God! Oh, God.
415
00:18:53,036 --> 00:18:56,771
[laughing] What are we doing?
416
00:18:56,873 --> 00:19:00,141
Well, I'm trying not to be vanilla.
417
00:19:00,243 --> 00:19:01,709
What are you doing?
418
00:19:01,811 --> 00:19:04,979
I'm trying to be young and porny.
419
00:19:05,081 --> 00:19:07,482
We are so not these people.
420
00:19:07,584 --> 00:19:09,484
- What's going on with us?
- I don't know.
421
00:19:09,586 --> 00:19:12,186
Ever since the girls came
back, things have changed.
422
00:19:12,288 --> 00:19:13,488
I know, but why?
423
00:19:13,590 --> 00:19:15,323
It's not like they're babies.
424
00:19:15,425 --> 00:19:17,558
Well, they make a mess.
They keep us awake.
425
00:19:17,660 --> 00:19:18,659
They stress us out.
426
00:19:18,761 --> 00:19:21,429
they're babies...
427
00:19:21,531 --> 00:19:24,232
giant babies.
428
00:19:24,334 --> 00:19:26,167
You know what the problem is?
429
00:19:26,269 --> 00:19:30,004
It's like, first we were
girlfriend and boyfriend,
430
00:19:30,106 --> 00:19:31,739
and that was sexy.
431
00:19:31,841 --> 00:19:35,943
And then we got married,
and that was sexy.
432
00:19:36,045 --> 00:19:39,480
- And then we had kids.
- Not sexy.
433
00:19:39,582 --> 00:19:41,182
And then they left,
434
00:19:41,284 --> 00:19:42,884
and we were girlfriend
and boyfriend again,
435
00:19:42,986 --> 00:19:44,519
and that was really sexy.
436
00:19:44,621 --> 00:19:48,289
And then they came back,
and we're parents again.
437
00:19:48,391 --> 00:19:49,624
I want my girlfriend back.
438
00:19:49,726 --> 00:19:53,828
And I want to be your girlfriend...
439
00:19:53,930 --> 00:19:58,533
even if I'm not in my 20s anymore.
440
00:19:58,635 --> 00:20:01,002
Sweetie, listen, I had
this dream one time,
441
00:20:01,104 --> 00:20:05,573
and in this dream, I was
laying in bed next to you.
442
00:20:05,675 --> 00:20:07,542
And then I woke up,
443
00:20:07,644 --> 00:20:11,746
and there you were, laying next to me.
444
00:20:11,848 --> 00:20:16,350
Martina, I can't even dream
anything better than you.
445
00:20:18,688 --> 00:20:21,222
Oh, Mike.
446
00:20:21,324 --> 00:20:22,323
[door opens]
447
00:20:22,425 --> 00:20:25,326
- Mom, Dad.
- We're home!
448
00:20:26,663 --> 00:20:30,264
God, I hate them.
449
00:20:30,366 --> 00:20:33,201
You two have gotten away
with this long enough.
450
00:20:33,303 --> 00:20:36,871
- What?
- Being our daughters.
451
00:20:36,973 --> 00:20:39,440
That ends now.
452
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:41,609
From now on, we're not parents and kids.
453
00:20:41,711 --> 00:20:44,345
We are adults roommates living together.
454
00:20:44,447 --> 00:20:46,314
You need to clean up,
shop for your own food,
455
00:20:46,416 --> 00:20:47,682
put gas in the car.
456
00:20:47,784 --> 00:20:49,550
Do we have to pay rent?
457
00:20:49,652 --> 00:20:52,186
We're not delusional.
458
00:20:52,288 --> 00:20:53,354
And now, adult roomies,
459
00:20:53,456 --> 00:20:55,656
I'm gonna bang this
hot chick I'm dating.
460
00:20:55,758 --> 00:20:58,993
- You, upstairs.
- Yes, sir.
461
00:20:59,095 --> 00:21:00,561
You two, get a room.
462
00:21:00,663 --> 00:21:02,897
We've got a room. You get a house.
463
00:21:02,976 --> 00:21:06,031
- sync and corrections by Caio -
- www.addic7ed.com -