1 00:00:01,023 --> 00:00:03,608 [Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On"] 2 00:00:05,835 --> 00:00:08,236 Hey, handsome. What's taking you so long? 3 00:00:08,238 --> 00:00:11,773 I'm making you want it more. 4 00:00:14,010 --> 00:00:15,443 It's working. 5 00:00:15,445 --> 00:00:16,978 We can do it right here 6 00:00:16,980 --> 00:00:19,147 and not walk up stairs... 7 00:00:19,149 --> 00:00:23,818 apply the energy that we saved to the sex. 8 00:00:23,820 --> 00:00:26,888 The kitchen? So dirty. 9 00:00:26,890 --> 00:00:30,324 Really dirty. 10 00:00:30,326 --> 00:00:32,026 ♪ Let's get it on ♪ 11 00:00:34,464 --> 00:00:37,565 The kitchen is so dirty. 12 00:00:39,869 --> 00:00:41,836 Really dirty. 13 00:00:41,838 --> 00:00:43,905 I guess the experiment of waiting to see 14 00:00:43,907 --> 00:00:45,840 if the girls would clean up after themselves 15 00:00:45,842 --> 00:00:47,675 didn't turn out so hot. 16 00:00:47,677 --> 00:00:51,746 That was a swing and a miss. 17 00:00:51,748 --> 00:00:55,883 I was up all night helping Shea fill out job applications. 18 00:00:55,885 --> 00:00:58,853 Good. Maybe she'll get a job and fill up that gas tank. 19 00:00:58,855 --> 00:01:00,722 Apparently they think the flashing red E 20 00:01:00,724 --> 00:01:04,292 stands for "excellent, keep driving." 21 00:01:04,294 --> 00:01:06,427 Well, at least Stella broke up with Justin. 22 00:01:06,429 --> 00:01:08,362 So that's good. 23 00:01:08,364 --> 00:01:10,765 Although there has been a lot of rebounding. 24 00:01:10,767 --> 00:01:12,333 High-school guys had the decency 25 00:01:12,335 --> 00:01:13,468 to sneak out the window. 26 00:01:13,470 --> 00:01:15,303 Now they come downstairs, and I have to pretend 27 00:01:15,305 --> 00:01:17,238 like I don't want to punch them in the face. 28 00:01:19,943 --> 00:01:23,411 You know what would take our minds off of this? 29 00:01:23,413 --> 00:01:27,548 Remember that naked thing we used to do? 30 00:01:27,550 --> 00:01:29,050 It has been a while. 31 00:01:33,056 --> 00:01:35,223 Martina Moore. 32 00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:37,024 Hello, Jeremy. 33 00:01:37,026 --> 00:01:38,025 Sorry. 34 00:01:38,027 --> 00:01:39,961 I should take this in my office. 35 00:01:39,963 --> 00:01:43,664 So no naked thing. 36 00:01:43,666 --> 00:01:46,234 - Morning, Dad. - Hey, sweetie. 37 00:01:46,236 --> 00:01:47,835 I finally got my applications off 38 00:01:47,837 --> 00:01:49,737 to every astrophysics lab I could find. 39 00:01:49,739 --> 00:01:50,905 Oh, well, that's good. 40 00:01:50,907 --> 00:01:53,741 Is it? What if I don't get in anywhere? 41 00:01:53,743 --> 00:01:55,543 Focus on my social life, you say? 42 00:01:55,545 --> 00:01:58,112 I don't think so, 'cause that's a complete disaster. 43 00:02:00,750 --> 00:02:03,151 Maybe there's some larger perspective 44 00:02:03,153 --> 00:02:05,520 that you could take solace from. 45 00:02:05,522 --> 00:02:06,788 You're right. 46 00:02:06,790 --> 00:02:09,924 Life is short, random, and ultimately pointless. 47 00:02:09,926 --> 00:02:12,093 There you go. 48 00:02:13,663 --> 00:02:15,530 Oh, hey, guys, what are you still doing up? 49 00:02:15,532 --> 00:02:16,864 It's morning, Stella. 50 00:02:16,866 --> 00:02:20,568 Oh, that explains a lot. 51 00:02:20,570 --> 00:02:22,470 That's one crazy-looking wig. 52 00:02:22,472 --> 00:02:25,273 - It's not a wig. - I like it. 53 00:02:27,076 --> 00:02:28,409 Thanks, Dad. 54 00:02:28,411 --> 00:02:29,710 This girl Jessica did it. 55 00:02:29,712 --> 00:02:32,280 We got wasted, and she cut it, and I honestly think 56 00:02:32,282 --> 00:02:34,048 she's gonna be the next big thing... 57 00:02:34,050 --> 00:02:38,152 not in hairdressing, but in telling people what to do. 58 00:02:39,155 --> 00:02:40,655 Oh, it's your grandparents. 59 00:02:40,657 --> 00:02:41,823 The new rule is they have to text 60 00:02:41,825 --> 00:02:44,292 before they come over, and then I can text back... 61 00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:47,762 "Not home." 62 00:02:47,764 --> 00:02:48,863 And send. 63 00:02:48,865 --> 00:02:51,933 I'm a genius. 64 00:02:51,935 --> 00:02:53,434 What do you mean you're not home? 65 00:02:53,436 --> 00:02:55,636 We can see you, genius! 66 00:02:58,575 --> 00:02:59,874 What's the purpose of a text 67 00:02:59,876 --> 00:03:01,309 if you're just gonna barge in anyway? 68 00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:04,378 How should we know? It's your system. 69 00:03:04,380 --> 00:03:07,782 Oh, good Lord, girl, your hair is pink. 70 00:03:07,784 --> 00:03:09,317 I know, right? 71 00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:11,085 Hi, everyone. 72 00:03:11,087 --> 00:03:12,854 Oh, this is my new friend Jessica. 73 00:03:12,856 --> 00:03:15,556 She's completely freegan, has a sick Instagram, 74 00:03:15,558 --> 00:03:17,458 and she knows Drake. 75 00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:18,659 I don't know 76 00:03:18,661 --> 00:03:21,829 if those are positive or negative qualities. 77 00:03:21,831 --> 00:03:22,964 Nice to meet all of you. 78 00:03:22,966 --> 00:03:26,434 - Stell, I got to bounce. - Okay, bye, Jess. 79 00:03:32,575 --> 00:03:35,443 Oh, my God! 80 00:03:35,445 --> 00:03:38,179 You cut your hair! 81 00:03:52,996 --> 00:03:56,530 So, what, you're gay now? 82 00:03:56,532 --> 00:03:58,132 Dad, just because I slept with a girl 83 00:03:58,134 --> 00:04:00,001 doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. 84 00:04:00,003 --> 00:04:03,437 Doesn't it, though? 85 00:04:03,439 --> 00:04:05,039 You know whose fault this is? 86 00:04:05,041 --> 00:04:07,909 The Democrats? 87 00:04:07,911 --> 00:04:09,543 Not this time. 88 00:04:09,545 --> 00:04:10,645 This comes from all that 89 00:04:10,647 --> 00:04:13,381 "everything you do is great" parenting. 90 00:04:13,383 --> 00:04:15,917 Why are you here? 91 00:04:15,919 --> 00:04:18,152 Well, certainly not to see my granddaughter 92 00:04:18,154 --> 00:04:20,855 kiss somebody else's granddaughter. 93 00:04:20,857 --> 00:04:22,990 Come on, Alice, let's go. 94 00:04:22,992 --> 00:04:25,026 It really is no big deal. 95 00:04:25,028 --> 00:04:27,929 She's right. Sexuality is very fluid now. 96 00:04:27,931 --> 00:04:30,765 People don't adhere to specific traditional labels. 97 00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:31,899 What's wrong with labels? 98 00:04:31,901 --> 00:04:34,435 That's how you know what stuff is. 99 00:04:34,437 --> 00:04:38,072 See? This is water. 100 00:04:38,074 --> 00:04:40,675 That's vodka. 101 00:04:44,447 --> 00:04:46,113 I fill it before I go out. 102 00:04:46,115 --> 00:04:48,649 I don't do bar prices. 103 00:04:48,651 --> 00:04:51,852 Great. Thrifty but criminal. 104 00:04:51,854 --> 00:04:53,921 More labels... criminal, gay. 105 00:04:53,923 --> 00:04:55,589 You're so uptight about everything. 106 00:04:55,591 --> 00:04:57,224 I mean, Mom slept with a woman. 107 00:04:57,226 --> 00:04:58,759 - What? - What? 108 00:05:02,665 --> 00:05:05,366 It was in college before I met you. 109 00:05:05,368 --> 00:05:06,434 It's nothing. 110 00:05:06,436 --> 00:05:08,135 No, it's not nothing if your husband 111 00:05:08,137 --> 00:05:11,272 doesn't know about it, but your daughters do. 112 00:05:11,274 --> 00:05:13,841 The girls are my friends. 113 00:05:13,843 --> 00:05:15,710 What am I? 114 00:05:15,712 --> 00:05:17,511 Dad, I don't want to boring-shame you, 115 00:05:17,513 --> 00:05:19,780 but your Disney prince would be Snow White's prince, 116 00:05:19,782 --> 00:05:24,218 and his name was literally just "The Prince." 117 00:05:24,220 --> 00:05:27,021 You're a little vanilla when it comes to this stuff. 118 00:05:27,023 --> 00:05:30,958 You are what you eat. 119 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,160 Yeah, yeah, Dad's vanilla, 120 00:05:33,162 --> 00:05:35,429 but we're all cool and gay. 121 00:05:37,567 --> 00:05:39,900 Well, I'm not gay, but maybe if I were less straight, 122 00:05:39,902 --> 00:05:41,969 it would broaden my opportunities. 123 00:05:41,971 --> 00:05:43,904 I keep telling you to try a dating app. 124 00:05:43,906 --> 00:05:45,639 That's how I met Jessica. 125 00:05:45,641 --> 00:05:47,241 I don't know. 126 00:05:47,243 --> 00:05:48,442 Why can't I just meet somebody 127 00:05:48,444 --> 00:05:50,711 getting stuck in a revolving door 128 00:05:50,713 --> 00:05:52,980 or sharing the same taxi 129 00:05:52,982 --> 00:05:55,449 or having a big conglomerate open up across the street 130 00:05:55,451 --> 00:05:57,852 from my mom-and-pop bookstore? 131 00:05:57,854 --> 00:05:59,920 And then I meet the head of the conglomerate, 132 00:05:59,922 --> 00:06:01,489 and darn it if he doesn't drive me crazy 133 00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:04,225 in the beginning... 134 00:06:04,227 --> 00:06:07,695 but then he wins me over. 135 00:06:07,697 --> 00:06:10,331 Mom and I will help you make a dating profile, 136 00:06:10,333 --> 00:06:12,099 and you've got nothing to worry about. 137 00:06:12,101 --> 00:06:13,567 I've seen you naked, and your boobs 138 00:06:13,569 --> 00:06:16,003 are like two perfect handfuls of perky. 139 00:06:16,005 --> 00:06:17,738 I'm out. 140 00:06:20,943 --> 00:06:22,376 And there's nothing wrong with vanilla. 141 00:06:22,378 --> 00:06:26,247 They're exotic beans, and their flavor is exquisite. 142 00:06:27,583 --> 00:06:30,851 Oh, so good. 143 00:06:33,823 --> 00:06:36,390 What's bothering you, huh? 144 00:06:36,392 --> 00:06:38,692 Is it that free-love, hippie-commune thing 145 00:06:38,694 --> 00:06:40,761 you got going on at your place? 146 00:06:40,763 --> 00:06:44,565 You miss Nixon, don't you? 147 00:06:44,567 --> 00:06:47,902 Every day. 148 00:06:47,904 --> 00:06:51,405 Look, you made a big stink that we should talk more, so talk. 149 00:06:51,407 --> 00:06:53,040 All right, fine. 150 00:06:53,042 --> 00:06:55,309 Martina and I used to have a good, frequent thing going, 151 00:06:55,311 --> 00:06:57,778 and now that the girls are home, it's not happening at all. 152 00:06:57,780 --> 00:07:02,650 Wah, wah. Stop crying. You'll ruin your dress. 153 00:07:02,652 --> 00:07:05,619 I'm sorry, habit. Go on. 154 00:07:05,621 --> 00:07:07,321 So I think I got it figured out. 155 00:07:07,323 --> 00:07:10,357 The girls are poisoning Martina against me. 156 00:07:10,359 --> 00:07:12,993 They say I'm vanilla. She sees me as vanilla. 157 00:07:12,995 --> 00:07:15,262 And she doesn't want to have sex with vanilla. 158 00:07:15,264 --> 00:07:17,264 It's like the old days. It's three against one. 159 00:07:17,266 --> 00:07:18,432 I wish I had a son. 160 00:07:18,434 --> 00:07:20,835 It isn't that great. 161 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:27,541 Look, I went through something similar with your mother, 162 00:07:27,543 --> 00:07:29,877 and it's one of the reasons why we split up. 163 00:07:29,879 --> 00:07:32,746 She was a free spirit, into all that New Age crap, 164 00:07:32,748 --> 00:07:35,015 and, well, she saw me as a square cop 165 00:07:35,017 --> 00:07:36,784 who wouldn't try new things. 166 00:07:36,786 --> 00:07:38,352 You can't let this slide, Mike. 167 00:07:38,354 --> 00:07:39,920 You got to spice things up. 168 00:07:39,922 --> 00:07:41,455 How do you propose I do that? 169 00:07:41,457 --> 00:07:44,492 Well, I got some tips from movies. 170 00:07:48,397 --> 00:07:49,463 Movies? 171 00:07:49,465 --> 00:07:50,898 You know... 172 00:07:50,900 --> 00:07:52,566 movies. 173 00:07:55,905 --> 00:07:58,606 Are you talking about porn? 174 00:07:58,608 --> 00:08:01,642 Yeah, but I'm trying to be a little classy. 175 00:08:01,644 --> 00:08:03,444 All right, you got a computer, don't you? 176 00:08:03,446 --> 00:08:05,246 You won't believe what they got going on 177 00:08:05,248 --> 00:08:07,548 in that thing. 178 00:08:07,550 --> 00:08:09,083 I know what they got going on in that thing. 179 00:08:09,085 --> 00:08:10,351 I'm just more of a magazine guy. 180 00:08:10,353 --> 00:08:11,352 I don't need plot. 181 00:08:11,354 --> 00:08:14,989 I don't care how the pizza got there. 182 00:08:14,991 --> 00:08:18,058 Y'all talking about porn? 183 00:08:18,060 --> 00:08:19,360 I have to say, your father became 184 00:08:19,362 --> 00:08:22,129 a much better lover after we watched a few films. 185 00:08:22,131 --> 00:08:25,099 You have to say that? 186 00:08:25,101 --> 00:08:26,672 It seems like you want to say that. 187 00:08:30,305 --> 00:08:32,773 Okay, ToastUp is the greatest dating app ever. 188 00:08:32,820 --> 00:08:34,420 So your picture and your profile 189 00:08:34,422 --> 00:08:35,488 are your slice of bread, 190 00:08:35,490 --> 00:08:37,223 and when you match with other slices, 191 00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:39,525 they pop up out of a toaster. 192 00:08:39,527 --> 00:08:43,329 Okay, Shea, how would you describe your look? 193 00:08:43,331 --> 00:08:46,165 My face is fairly symmetrical, 194 00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:47,867 average height, 195 00:08:47,869 --> 00:08:50,936 hips regrettably boyish. 196 00:08:50,938 --> 00:08:53,472 I'll put "banging." 197 00:08:53,474 --> 00:08:54,573 Personality? 198 00:08:54,575 --> 00:08:57,743 Typical scientist... methodical, logical. 199 00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:00,446 Brain also "banging." 200 00:09:00,448 --> 00:09:02,481 Okay, for fun, I filled out profiles 201 00:09:02,483 --> 00:09:03,683 for you and Grandma. 202 00:09:03,685 --> 00:09:06,018 - Just open the app. - But we're married. 203 00:09:06,020 --> 00:09:07,620 Just 'cause you're tied to the fence 204 00:09:07,622 --> 00:09:09,922 doesn't mean you can't bark at the cars. 205 00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:16,696 Ooh, those are your matches. 206 00:09:16,698 --> 00:09:19,999 Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a look. 207 00:09:20,001 --> 00:09:23,803 Oh, my God, they're all so old. 208 00:09:23,805 --> 00:09:28,374 Oh, look at this fine Denzel-looking dreamboat. 209 00:09:28,376 --> 00:09:32,411 Ha ha. That's what's out there looking for me, ladies. 210 00:09:32,413 --> 00:09:33,746 Yeah, he's only a barista, 211 00:09:33,748 --> 00:09:35,381 but that just means he's a go-getter. 212 00:09:36,551 --> 00:09:38,484 Mm, this app is great. 213 00:09:40,154 --> 00:09:43,656 Oh, wait. What's that? Why is my toast burning? 214 00:09:43,658 --> 00:09:47,059 He's tossing your toast. He's rejecting you. 215 00:09:47,061 --> 00:09:49,028 Rejecting me? 216 00:09:49,030 --> 00:09:53,265 That broke-ass, ratchet, pretty-boy mother. 217 00:09:53,267 --> 00:09:54,767 I don't have time for this nonsense. 218 00:09:54,769 --> 00:09:56,769 That app sucks! 219 00:09:59,841 --> 00:10:01,273 More matches, Mom? 220 00:10:01,275 --> 00:10:03,242 No, I created a profile for your dad. 221 00:10:04,612 --> 00:10:06,746 Later we'll laugh about how we can never leave each other 222 00:10:06,748 --> 00:10:08,481 because it's really bad out there and... 223 00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:13,018 Oh, my God, Mike could get models. 224 00:10:13,020 --> 00:10:17,690 They're, like, 20 years younger with tattoos and piercings. 225 00:10:17,692 --> 00:10:20,659 Mom, Dad's not going anywhere. You make him happy. 226 00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:24,063 Yeah. I do make him happy... 227 00:10:24,065 --> 00:10:27,166 though not lately. 228 00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,902 Your dad and I are a little out of sync 229 00:10:29,904 --> 00:10:32,037 in the romance department. 230 00:10:32,039 --> 00:10:33,606 Oh, my God. 231 00:10:33,608 --> 00:10:36,642 If you guys split up, where do we live? 232 00:10:39,313 --> 00:10:42,982 But it's Dad, vanilla Dad. 233 00:10:42,984 --> 00:10:46,452 You're right. I'm his vanilla. 234 00:10:46,454 --> 00:10:48,621 He's not interested in young girls. 235 00:10:48,623 --> 00:10:50,756 I'm hot, and I'm 21, 236 00:10:50,758 --> 00:10:52,792 and I live in your neighborhood. 237 00:10:52,794 --> 00:10:56,429 You don't live in my neighborhood. 238 00:10:56,431 --> 00:10:59,498 I would've remembered you. 239 00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:02,001 Ooh, oh, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 240 00:11:04,639 --> 00:11:08,641 No, no, don't freeze. 241 00:11:08,643 --> 00:11:11,076 Don't freeze on that image! 242 00:11:22,490 --> 00:11:23,756 What are you doing? 243 00:11:23,758 --> 00:11:28,294 Just putting the computer to sleep... 244 00:11:28,296 --> 00:11:32,364 like a parakeet. 245 00:11:32,366 --> 00:11:33,586 Shh. 246 00:11:38,602 --> 00:11:40,403 All right, fine. 247 00:11:40,405 --> 00:11:43,807 I was watching porn in the kitchen 248 00:11:43,809 --> 00:11:47,110 in the middle of the day. 249 00:11:47,112 --> 00:11:51,147 Just one of the many cool, badass, non-vanilla things 250 00:11:51,149 --> 00:11:53,016 that I do. 251 00:11:55,587 --> 00:11:59,923 Oh, my God, that math on the chalkboard's all wrong. 252 00:12:03,562 --> 00:12:06,963 That's probably why the teacher's doing that to her. 253 00:12:06,965 --> 00:12:08,631 All right, girls, upstairs. 254 00:12:11,136 --> 00:12:14,337 Look, I can explain. I'm not mad about the porn. 255 00:12:14,339 --> 00:12:16,573 I'm just surprised. 256 00:12:16,575 --> 00:12:18,942 Those girls are so young. 257 00:12:18,944 --> 00:12:20,977 And all those piercings? 258 00:12:20,979 --> 00:12:24,614 I didn't even know you could pierce that. 259 00:12:24,616 --> 00:12:27,383 Well, I guess it would help you find it. 260 00:12:30,789 --> 00:12:33,056 I didn't think you liked this stuff. 261 00:12:33,058 --> 00:12:37,060 Maybe there are things about me you don't know. 262 00:12:37,062 --> 00:12:38,795 What are you saying? 263 00:12:38,797 --> 00:12:41,364 I'm just saying, why stick with boring old vanilla 264 00:12:41,366 --> 00:12:44,167 when there is kiwi out there? 265 00:12:46,872 --> 00:12:48,338 Why are you suddenly interested 266 00:12:48,340 --> 00:12:51,007 in hipper, younger flavors? 267 00:12:51,009 --> 00:12:52,208 I don't know. 268 00:12:52,210 --> 00:12:54,878 Maybe vanilla's getting a little old for me. 269 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,847 But it goes to the gym all the time! 270 00:13:03,421 --> 00:13:04,921 So my mom wants to get pierced 271 00:13:04,923 --> 00:13:06,456 so she doesn't look so old next to us 272 00:13:06,458 --> 00:13:09,325 and my dad won't leave her for someone younger. 273 00:13:09,327 --> 00:13:11,127 Oh, my God, coincidence. 274 00:13:11,129 --> 00:13:13,663 Spike dumped his old wife too. 275 00:13:13,665 --> 00:13:15,198 Why did you do that? 276 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,634 Well, she was always focused on the kids, 277 00:13:17,636 --> 00:13:19,402 even after they grew up. 278 00:13:19,404 --> 00:13:20,837 Well, that sounds like a good mother. 279 00:13:20,839 --> 00:13:23,806 That can be very attractive. 280 00:13:23,808 --> 00:13:25,842 Yeah, but not real hot. 281 00:13:25,844 --> 00:13:27,377 Pierce me. 282 00:13:34,085 --> 00:13:36,386 "At the"... 283 00:13:43,962 --> 00:13:46,296 "Gym." 284 00:13:50,435 --> 00:13:53,002 Bob and I have been discussing your marital problems, 285 00:13:53,004 --> 00:13:56,239 and we decided maybe we sent you in a bad direction 286 00:13:56,241 --> 00:13:58,508 regarding the porn thing. 287 00:14:00,345 --> 00:14:02,679 Great timing. 288 00:14:04,215 --> 00:14:06,215 Anyway, Bob wants to tell you something, 289 00:14:06,217 --> 00:14:08,184 but he feels uncomfortable saying it. 290 00:14:08,186 --> 00:14:10,720 This is true. 291 00:14:10,722 --> 00:14:13,156 You got to stop worrying about being vanilla. 292 00:14:13,158 --> 00:14:15,625 So go out, find her, do something bold, 293 00:14:15,627 --> 00:14:17,160 and rock her world, 294 00:14:17,162 --> 00:14:20,430 'cause the truth of it is, you got a good marriage, 295 00:14:20,432 --> 00:14:23,166 the kind of marriage you should be proud of. 296 00:14:23,168 --> 00:14:24,901 And you shouldn't make the stupid mistakes 297 00:14:24,903 --> 00:14:26,102 your old man made. 298 00:14:26,104 --> 00:14:28,071 There, I said it. 299 00:14:33,044 --> 00:14:37,614 You and me, right here... 300 00:14:37,616 --> 00:14:39,315 right now. 301 00:14:40,986 --> 00:14:45,154 And I'm talking about sex, if that was unclear. 302 00:14:45,156 --> 00:14:47,824 But we're in session. 303 00:14:54,156 --> 00:14:56,324 That's the ToastUp guy I picked for Shea. 304 00:14:56,445 --> 00:14:58,178 Doesn't he look like Hozier? 305 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,281 Sure. Why not? 306 00:15:01,383 --> 00:15:03,116 I've never dated somebody who looked like 307 00:15:03,218 --> 00:15:04,618 a celebrity before... 308 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:08,455 except for the one who looked like Galileo. 309 00:15:09,105 --> 00:15:11,472 But, ironically, for someone who looked like Galileo, 310 00:15:11,582 --> 00:15:14,350 he thought the Sun revolved around him. 311 00:15:20,191 --> 00:15:24,126 I need to be around people who know that's funny. 312 00:15:24,228 --> 00:15:26,228 I'll get your drinks. 313 00:15:26,330 --> 00:15:27,997 I was hesitant about this at first, 314 00:15:28,099 --> 00:15:30,699 but now I'm really excited about my date. 315 00:15:30,801 --> 00:15:32,801 You know, it's good for me to put myself out there, 316 00:15:32,837 --> 00:15:34,904 take the risk, dare to be hurt. 317 00:15:37,241 --> 00:15:39,108 Oh, my God, that doesn't sound good. 318 00:15:39,210 --> 00:15:40,442 What does that noise mean? 319 00:15:40,544 --> 00:15:43,679 Um, that's the toast being scraped off. 320 00:15:43,781 --> 00:15:45,648 It means he's not coming. 321 00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:47,983 I got stood up? 322 00:15:48,085 --> 00:15:49,718 I knew this was gonna happen. 323 00:15:49,820 --> 00:15:51,520 Why did I let you talk me into this? 324 00:15:51,622 --> 00:15:53,022 I was just trying to help you. 325 00:15:53,124 --> 00:15:54,390 It's not just this. 326 00:15:54,492 --> 00:15:56,292 You're always pushing me to do dumb stuff. 327 00:15:56,394 --> 00:15:57,693 This wasn't dumb, okay? 328 00:15:57,795 --> 00:15:59,028 You took a shot. It didn't work out. 329 00:15:59,130 --> 00:16:00,029 Big deal. 330 00:16:00,131 --> 00:16:01,797 There's no reason to react this bad. 331 00:16:01,899 --> 00:16:04,300 - Badly. - Ugh. 332 00:16:04,402 --> 00:16:07,036 Don't talk down to me. You always do that. 333 00:16:07,138 --> 00:16:08,671 That's why we never hung out in high school. 334 00:16:08,773 --> 00:16:11,106 We didn't hang out because you excluded me. 335 00:16:11,208 --> 00:16:12,675 You didn't even invite me to parties 336 00:16:12,777 --> 00:16:14,576 when they were in our own house. 337 00:16:14,679 --> 00:16:16,612 I didn't invite you to those parties because I was... 338 00:16:16,714 --> 00:16:18,514 What? What, you were too cool for me? 339 00:16:18,616 --> 00:16:20,015 - You were embarrassed by me? - No. 340 00:16:20,117 --> 00:16:21,383 - I was just... - Well, go ahead, say it. 341 00:16:21,485 --> 00:16:23,585 - Say how you really feel. - I was jealous of you. 342 00:16:23,688 --> 00:16:25,554 See, I knew you were... 343 00:16:28,192 --> 00:16:29,959 What? 344 00:16:30,061 --> 00:16:33,228 - You were jealous of me? - Obviously. 345 00:16:33,331 --> 00:16:36,465 I mean, you're basically as pretty as I am. 346 00:16:36,567 --> 00:16:38,500 But you're also so smart. 347 00:16:38,602 --> 00:16:39,969 You think I wouldn't like to know 348 00:16:40,071 --> 00:16:43,205 what you're saying when you talk? 349 00:16:43,307 --> 00:16:45,574 Well, I was jealous of you 350 00:16:45,676 --> 00:16:47,409 and how much attention you got, 351 00:16:47,511 --> 00:16:49,945 how much Mom and Dad worried about you. 352 00:16:50,047 --> 00:16:51,613 Plus, you were always having fun, 353 00:16:51,716 --> 00:16:53,749 and you always had a million guys. 354 00:16:53,851 --> 00:16:56,418 Well, I also had my heart broken a million times. 355 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,154 Wow. That's like a one-to-one ratio. 356 00:17:00,992 --> 00:17:04,526 See, I would love to know what that means. 357 00:17:04,628 --> 00:17:07,062 You know, maybe we should hang out more 358 00:17:07,164 --> 00:17:10,165 now that we have no option but to hang out more. 359 00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:12,468 Yeah, we totally should. 360 00:17:12,570 --> 00:17:14,370 Hey, let's go home. 361 00:17:14,472 --> 00:17:17,272 Mom and Dad are probably missing us by now. 362 00:17:17,375 --> 00:17:18,440 - Bye, girls. - Bye, guys. 363 00:17:18,542 --> 00:17:19,775 Bye, girl. 364 00:17:19,877 --> 00:17:21,677 Oh, my God, Bob, that's him. 365 00:17:21,779 --> 00:17:24,713 That's the guy who burned my toast. 366 00:17:24,815 --> 00:17:26,348 Oh, yeah? 367 00:17:26,450 --> 00:17:27,850 Scotch and soda, please. 368 00:17:27,952 --> 00:17:30,953 Not in my bar, buddy. 369 00:17:31,055 --> 00:17:33,222 That is one beautiful woman right there. 370 00:17:33,324 --> 00:17:36,792 How dare you burn her toast? 371 00:17:36,894 --> 00:17:38,660 Now get the hell out and do not come back 372 00:17:38,763 --> 00:17:41,163 until you want to nail my wife. 373 00:17:44,869 --> 00:17:47,803 Wow. This is a surprise... 374 00:17:47,905 --> 00:17:53,442 an awesome surprise that I am totally down with. 375 00:17:53,544 --> 00:17:55,644 You got something on your nose. 376 00:17:55,746 --> 00:17:57,813 I got it pierced, see? 377 00:17:57,915 --> 00:17:59,235 It's a little infected right now, 378 00:17:59,283 --> 00:18:02,484 so you can't see the stud. 379 00:18:02,586 --> 00:18:05,320 That is... 380 00:18:05,423 --> 00:18:07,289 hot? 381 00:18:08,692 --> 00:18:12,494 Hot and dirty... just how you like it. 382 00:18:12,596 --> 00:18:14,830 Yeah, you married a bad girl. 383 00:18:14,932 --> 00:18:16,098 Ooh. 384 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,233 Does this bad girl want to do it on the desk? 385 00:18:18,335 --> 00:18:20,369 Yeah, baby, the desk, 386 00:18:20,471 --> 00:18:24,206 'cause that couch is so lame and comfortable. 387 00:18:24,308 --> 00:18:27,142 The desk is edgy. It's got edges. 388 00:18:27,244 --> 00:18:29,845 Let's revisit the couch idea. 389 00:18:29,947 --> 00:18:32,748 The couch... still warm from Jeremy's behind. 390 00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:34,683 All right. 391 00:18:34,785 --> 00:18:37,386 Hey, not the couch, how about the table? 392 00:18:37,488 --> 00:18:41,323 Ooh, yeah, the table... the one we assembled ourselves 393 00:18:41,425 --> 00:18:43,125 with all those leftover pieces. 394 00:18:43,227 --> 00:18:47,262 Okay, not the table, but we've got to decide soon 395 00:18:47,364 --> 00:18:49,965 because my torn meniscus is absolutely ki... 396 00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:51,934 Oh, oh, God! Oh, God. 397 00:18:52,036 --> 00:18:55,771 What are we doing? 398 00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:59,141 Well, I'm trying not to be vanilla. 399 00:18:59,243 --> 00:19:00,709 What are you doing? 400 00:19:00,811 --> 00:19:03,979 I'm trying to be young and porny. 401 00:19:04,081 --> 00:19:06,482 We are so not these people. 402 00:19:06,584 --> 00:19:08,484 - What's going on with us? - I don't know. 403 00:19:08,586 --> 00:19:11,186 Ever since the girls came back, things have changed. 404 00:19:11,288 --> 00:19:12,488 I know, but why? 405 00:19:12,590 --> 00:19:14,323 It's not like they're babies. 406 00:19:14,425 --> 00:19:16,558 Well, they make a mess. They keep us awake. 407 00:19:16,660 --> 00:19:17,659 They stress us out. 408 00:19:17,761 --> 00:19:20,429 They're babies... 409 00:19:20,531 --> 00:19:23,232 giant babies. 410 00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:25,167 You know what the problem is? 411 00:19:25,269 --> 00:19:29,004 It's like, first we were girlfriend and boyfriend, 412 00:19:29,106 --> 00:19:30,739 and that was sexy. 413 00:19:30,841 --> 00:19:34,943 And then we got married, and that was sexy. 414 00:19:35,045 --> 00:19:38,480 - And then we had kids. - Not sexy. 415 00:19:38,582 --> 00:19:40,182 And then they left, 416 00:19:40,284 --> 00:19:41,884 and we were girlfriend and boyfriend again, 417 00:19:41,986 --> 00:19:43,519 and that was really sexy. 418 00:19:43,621 --> 00:19:47,289 And then they came back, and we're parents again. 419 00:19:47,391 --> 00:19:48,624 I want my girlfriend back. 420 00:19:48,726 --> 00:19:52,828 And I want to be your girlfriend... 421 00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:57,533 even if I'm not in my 20s anymore. 422 00:19:57,635 --> 00:20:00,002 Sweetie, listen, I had this dream one time, 423 00:20:00,104 --> 00:20:04,573 and in this dream, I was laying in bed next to you. 424 00:20:04,675 --> 00:20:06,542 And then I woke up, 425 00:20:06,644 --> 00:20:10,746 and there you were, laying next to me. 426 00:20:10,848 --> 00:20:15,350 Martina, I can't even dream anything better than you. 427 00:20:17,688 --> 00:20:20,222 Oh, Mike. 428 00:20:21,425 --> 00:20:24,326 - Mom, Dad. - We're home! 429 00:20:25,663 --> 00:20:29,264 God, I hate them. 430 00:20:29,366 --> 00:20:32,201 You two have gotten away with this long enough. 431 00:20:32,303 --> 00:20:35,871 - What? - Being our daughters. 432 00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:38,440 That ends now. 433 00:20:38,542 --> 00:20:40,609 From now on, we're not parents and kids. 434 00:20:40,711 --> 00:20:43,345 We are adults roommates living together. 435 00:20:43,447 --> 00:20:45,314 You need to clean up, shop for your own food, 436 00:20:45,416 --> 00:20:46,682 put gas in the car. 437 00:20:46,784 --> 00:20:48,550 Do we have to pay rent? 438 00:20:48,652 --> 00:20:51,186 We're not delusional. 439 00:20:51,288 --> 00:20:52,354 And now, adult roomies, 440 00:20:52,456 --> 00:20:54,656 I'm gonna bang this hot chick I'm dating. 441 00:20:54,758 --> 00:20:57,993 - You, upstairs. - Yes, sir. 442 00:20:58,095 --> 00:20:59,561 You two, get a room. 443 00:20:59,663 --> 00:21:01,897 We've got a room. You get a house.