1
00:00:04,404 --> 00:00:06,167
Okay, Dave, as a doctor,
2
00:00:06,239 --> 00:00:08,264
I've got an unfair advantage in this game
3
00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:09,672
because I'm a master of medical...
4
00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:11,711
- (BUZZES)
- Dang it!
5
00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:12,904
(SIGHS)
6
00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:15,977
It's okay, Dad.
I like playing Operation with you.
7
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:18,517
I finally get to know
what victory tastes like.
8
00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,121
(SIGHS)
9
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:25,851
Here we go. Funny bone. Gets me every time.
10
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:27,523
Maybe 'cause you don't have one.
11
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:30,796
Everyone has a funny bone, Dave.
Except Scandinavians.
12
00:00:31,164 --> 00:00:32,756
(BOTH LAUGHING)
13
00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:35,861
You're hilarious, Dad.
14
00:00:36,069 --> 00:00:37,866
I know. (CHUCKLES)
15
00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:40,365
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
16
00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:42,605
Dad, is sex just for making a baby?
17
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,199
(BUZZING)
18
00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:48,607
Oh, sorry, buddy. I couldn't hear you.
19
00:00:48,681 --> 00:00:49,978
You know, I'm focused on the game.
20
00:00:50,316 --> 00:00:51,749
- Is sex...
- (BUZZING)
21
00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:54,378
(LOUDLY) Is sex just for making a baby?
22
00:00:57,157 --> 00:00:59,318
Well, son, the thing about that is,
23
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:01,383
there's birds, bees...
24
00:01:01,461 --> 00:01:02,860
(IMITATING SNORING)
25
00:01:08,868 --> 00:01:10,631
(SNORING CONTINUES)
26
00:01:14,107 --> 00:01:15,506
Man, if I hadn't whipped out
27
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,008
the old "pretend to be asleep" trick,
28
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:19,677
there's no telling where that
conversation would've gone. (CHUCKLES)
29
00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:22,743
It might've gone to you
having the sex talk with your son.
30
00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:23,874
Why didn't you do it?
31
00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:25,674
(IMITATING SNORING)
32
00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:29,712
It didn't work during couple's therapy,
and it's not working now.
33
00:01:31,324 --> 00:01:33,189
I just don't think Dave's
ready for that stuff.
34
00:01:33,359 --> 00:01:34,951
If he's old enough to ask the questions,
35
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:36,427
he's old enough to hear the answers.
36
00:01:36,496 --> 00:01:37,588
Plus, you promised you'd do it.
37
00:01:37,964 --> 00:01:39,955
You know I need to work up to things!
38
00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:41,526
Yeah, I know.
39
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,258
You still haven't taken down
the Christmas lights,
40
00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:44,701
and it's almost April.
41
00:01:45,338 --> 00:01:48,535
I don't let a calendar rule my life, Allison.
I'm not a Mayan.
42
00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:52,737
Besides, I'm not the only
one that's shirking.
43
00:01:52,812 --> 00:01:54,541
You are supposed to give Molly the sex talk.
44
00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:56,575
And I did. Six years ago.
45
00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:58,077
Really? How'd it go?
46
00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:00,146
Awkward but informative.
47
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:01,881
Do you want me to give Dave the talk?
48
00:02:02,722 --> 00:02:03,984
- Yes.
- No.
49
00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:06,519
Fine.
50
00:02:06,593 --> 00:02:08,823
I'll teach the boy about the horizontal arts.
51
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,086
Puke.
52
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:13,089
And, in the spirit of
things you said you'd do,
53
00:02:13,433 --> 00:02:15,025
maybe take down the Christmas lights.
54
00:02:15,101 --> 00:02:17,160
Oh, and what about getting
the brakes replaced in my car?
55
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:18,732
When'd you ask me to do that?
56
00:02:19,005 --> 00:02:20,267
Like, a year ago.
57
00:02:21,374 --> 00:02:24,002
The warning light's been on so long,
the bulb blew out.
58
00:02:24,677 --> 00:02:26,235
Or did the brakes fix themselves,
59
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:27,904
like I said might happen?
60
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,308
(CELLPHONE DINGS)
61
00:02:31,117 --> 00:02:32,277
Oh, snap!
62
00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:33,785
The Rutledges can't use their tickets
63
00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:35,878
to the Doobie Brothers concert tonight!
64
00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:37,613
- (GASPS)
- What do you say?
65
00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:39,021
You up for takin' it to the streets?
66
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,287
(LAUGHS) Whoa, whoa, whoa!
67
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:42,919
- Let's Listen to the music!
- (GRUNTS)
68
00:02:43,062 --> 00:02:44,825
Okay, I don't know what's happening,
69
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:46,661
but I know it's dorky and forced.
70
00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:50,826
Besides, Taylor's mom
is taking us to SAT prep tonight,
71
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:52,599
so FYI, I can't watch Dave.
72
00:02:52,872 --> 00:02:54,703
Hmm. Think you can find a sitter?
73
00:02:54,774 --> 00:02:55,798
Or you could.
74
00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:58,733
- Fine. I'll get a babysitter...
- Mmm.
75
00:02:58,811 --> 00:03:00,608
...and tell Dave about sex
76
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,477
and get your warning light fixed.
77
00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:05,874
It's not the brake warning light
that's the issue.
78
00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,246
Yeah, it'll fix itself, like the brakes did.
79
00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:10,180
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
80
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,189
- New sweater?
- Yeah. What do you think?
81
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,084
(INHALES DEEPLY)
82
00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:16,423
Have a good day, Mom.
83
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,565
Wait. What's wrong with my sweater?
84
00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:23,534
(SIGHS) Here's the thing.
85
00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:26,094
You've really been
dressing like a mom lately,
86
00:03:26,172 --> 00:03:27,571
and I mean like a mom-mom,
87
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,301
not like a Jessica Alba mom.
88
00:03:30,577 --> 00:03:31,942
What are you talking about?
89
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,842
It seems like some moms hit a point
90
00:03:33,913 --> 00:03:36,541
where they start
prioritizing comfort over style.
91
00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:40,985
Symptoms include boxy sweaters,
drawstring pants, clogs...
92
00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:44,318
And so, so much linen.
93
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,750
Come on, Mom, I'll take you shopping.
94
00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:49,727
This is a cry for help.
95
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:50,956
But I heard it.
96
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,733
Hey, I like my look.
97
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,962
I saw this scarf in a magazine,
thank you very much.
98
00:03:57,036 --> 00:03:58,025
Which magazine?
99
00:03:58,738 --> 00:03:59,864
Giving Up.
100
00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:01,367
(SCOFFS)
101
00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:03,306
It's a yoga magazine
102
00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:05,207
about giving yourself up to the practice!
103
00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:06,302
Don't take it out of con...
104
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:12,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
105
00:04:13,953 --> 00:04:17,411
No, Mrs. Pancake.
I just wanted to see if you could babysit.
106
00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:20,687
No, please don't give me
your social security number. (STUTTERS)
107
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,227
Okay, hanging up now.
108
00:04:23,529 --> 00:04:24,757
What's going on?
109
00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:25,923
Well, good news,
110
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:29,196
I think I just sold my elderly neighbor
a reverse mortgage.
111
00:04:31,371 --> 00:04:33,271
Bad news, she was my last hope
112
00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:34,397
at getting a sitter for tonight.
113
00:04:34,741 --> 00:04:37,471
Oh, I could watch Dave. I love kids.
114
00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:38,601
You don't have plans?
115
00:04:38,811 --> 00:04:39,869
No.
116
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,437
But thanks for pretending
like you thought I might.
117
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:44,844
You're welcome. (CHUCKLES)
118
00:04:48,254 --> 00:04:51,917
At lunch, do you guys think you could
help me with my online dating profile?
119
00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:53,982
I am attracting the wrong matches.
120
00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:55,727
What does your profile say now?
121
00:04:55,995 --> 00:04:58,225
- (READING) "Smart, fun gal...
- Mmm-hmm.
122
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,994
"...seeks rock-hard guy
who can stay up all night.
123
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:03,965
"Must not mind sharing a bed
124
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:06,301
"with my two best friends,
Marissa and Karen."
125
00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:11,133
What? I want a solid, stable guy
126
00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:14,145
who likes to stay up late talking
and playing with my cats.
127
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,977
Yeah, that's not coming across.
128
00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:20,218
Ooh, maybe I should
come up with a different word for "cats."
129
00:05:20,286 --> 00:05:21,480
BOTH: No!
130
00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:25,684
Listen, girl, I would love to stay and help,
131
00:05:25,758 --> 00:05:28,158
- but I'm having lunch with my dreamboat B.F.
- JULIE: Oh.
132
00:05:28,227 --> 00:05:29,558
- Story checks out.
- (GASPS)
133
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,160
Ah.
134
00:05:33,466 --> 00:05:34,933
You guys are too cute.
135
00:05:35,101 --> 00:05:36,591
I mean that literally. Dial it down.
136
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:39,496
This is a place of business,
137
00:05:39,572 --> 00:05:42,006
and, yeah, I know Damona and
I boned a bunch of times,
138
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,372
but that was different.
139
00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:44,637
I'm the boss.
140
00:05:45,545 --> 00:05:47,240
- So, where are you two going for lunch?
- (SIGHS)
141
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:48,405
Mmm, I don't know.
What do you feel like, hon?
142
00:05:48,481 --> 00:05:49,470
Oh, I don't care. You pick something.
143
00:05:49,649 --> 00:05:51,412
Well, I want whatever you want,
so we're back to you.
144
00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:52,813
- Well, you pick.
- You. No, you pick.
145
00:05:52,885 --> 00:05:54,512
- No, I can't pick.
- You do it. You do it.
146
00:05:54,587 --> 00:05:55,815
Oh, oh, all right.
147
00:05:55,888 --> 00:05:57,287
- Tie.
- No tie here.
148
00:05:57,390 --> 00:05:58,823
You win! (CHUCKLES) Let's go.
149
00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:00,051
All right, bye, guys. Nice to see you.
150
00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:03,095
Yeah, and listen,
I'm sorry you guys had to witness our fight.
151
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:10,291
(DOORBELL RINGS)
152
00:06:12,905 --> 00:06:14,736
Oh, hey! You must be Taylor's mom.
153
00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:16,331
Come on in. I'm Allison.
154
00:06:16,743 --> 00:06:18,836
I'm Grace. Nice to meet you.
155
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,410
Molly will be down in a second.
156
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:21,708
Thanks for taking the girls to class.
157
00:06:22,081 --> 00:06:23,275
Please, don't thank me.
158
00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:26,443
With the other five at home,
any excuse to get out of the house.
159
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:30,378
I'm sorry. I'm a bit of a mess today.
160
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:32,583
I haven't had a shower since the weekend.
161
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:35,251
Got any wine?
162
00:06:36,028 --> 00:06:37,017
Oh, I...
163
00:06:37,430 --> 00:06:40,263
Oh, look! We're sweater twins!
164
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:43,836
Hey, how about that?
165
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,165
Sweater twins!
166
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:49,507
Oh, and great clogs.
167
00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,343
I live in clogs.
168
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,606
I love not having laces to deal with.
169
00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:56,177
Bending over's the worst!
170
00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:59,341
Yeah, bending over is pretty terrible.
171
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,579
All right, you guys, have fun.
172
00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:03,682
Okay!
173
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:05,724
See you later, Mom.
174
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,890
And make sure he's in bed by 10:00.
175
00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:14,363
Do I have to go to bed by 10:00?
176
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:17,330
It might be tough
to squeeze in all our activities.
177
00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:21,271
I brought math flashcards
and a terrarium-making kit.
178
00:07:22,008 --> 00:07:24,101
Do I have to stay up till 10:00?
179
00:07:25,077 --> 00:07:26,567
Aww, you!
180
00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:28,136
We're gonna have a ball!
181
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:29,339
I'm so sorry.
182
00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:31,212
Okay! We should head out.
183
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,615
Have fun, you two.
184
00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:35,518
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God, hilarious!
185
00:07:35,988 --> 00:07:38,582
You almost wore
that old throw blanket out of the house!
186
00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:40,751
- (LAUGHS)
- It's a shawl-sweater.
187
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:42,226
Ooh, it's stunning!
188
00:07:45,765 --> 00:07:47,392
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Okay.
189
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,991
What should we do first?
190
00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:51,002
Is sex just for making a baby?
191
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,843
Hey, what's wrong with you?
192
00:08:02,915 --> 00:08:05,713
Oh, hi. (STUTTERS)
I just got this text from Connor,
193
00:08:05,785 --> 00:08:08,117
saying that he's coming by
because "we need to talk."
194
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:11,487
- So?
- So, obviously, he's breaking up with me!
195
00:08:11,757 --> 00:08:13,486
Or maybe he misses your beautiful face.
196
00:08:13,726 --> 00:08:15,284
No, I don't think
that's it because I texted him,
197
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:16,851
"Is it because you miss my beautiful face?"
198
00:08:16,929 --> 00:08:18,863
And then he texted me back, "No!"
199
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,162
Well, either way, I'm
sure it's nothing, Clark.
200
00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:24,133
Yeah, listen to Damona.
201
00:08:24,203 --> 00:08:26,171
She's a very wise woman,
and she's never wrong.
202
00:08:26,472 --> 00:08:27,905
- Thank you, Pat.
- (CHUCKLES)
203
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,873
You're doomed.
204
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:34,204
Whoa, what's wrong with you?
205
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:37,974
I was babysitting for Dr. Ken,
and I really screwed up.
206
00:08:38,217 --> 00:08:40,276
Let me guess.
There was an unmarked pill bottle,
207
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,787
and you accidentally took
a bunch of Dr. Ken's growth hormones?
208
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:45,923
Well, don't worry about it.
209
00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:47,789
They're obviously ineffective.
210
00:08:49,228 --> 00:08:52,129
No, I gave Dave the sex talk.
211
00:08:52,231 --> 00:08:53,323
What? Why?
212
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,798
(SIGHS)
He started asking me all these questions,
213
00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,426
one after another.
214
00:08:57,503 --> 00:08:58,936
I thought it was only a few minutes,
215
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:01,803
but then I looked at my phone,
and it had been two hours.
216
00:09:02,341 --> 00:09:04,138
Two hours?
217
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:07,111
The sex talk my dad gave me lasted 25 cents.
218
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:08,972
As soon as that was used up,
219
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,811
the curtain came down, and that was that.
220
00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:13,178
Girl, what were you thinking?
221
00:09:13,352 --> 00:09:15,013
Ugh, I don't know!
222
00:09:15,087 --> 00:09:18,614
Once I start talking,
I mean, I'm just a very oral person.
223
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,725
That is not a bad thing.
224
00:09:22,795 --> 00:09:24,558
You wouldn't believe how many people
225
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:26,393
responded to that on my dating profile.
226
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,631
(SIGHS)
227
00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:33,001
Take me shopping.
228
00:09:33,806 --> 00:09:35,068
Oh, I would, Mom,
229
00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:38,406
but Linen On The Edge
went out of business six years ago.
230
00:09:39,478 --> 00:09:40,945
I'm serious.
231
00:09:41,013 --> 00:09:43,311
Taylor's mom was a real wake-up call.
232
00:09:43,382 --> 00:09:46,943
Not to mention the 300 other moms
I saw at the Doobie Brothers show.
233
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,178
Also...
234
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,745
One of the Doobie Brothers
was wearing my scarf.
235
00:09:51,824 --> 00:09:54,315
Are you ready for people
to be able to tell what gender you are
236
00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:55,792
from more than 20 feet away?
237
00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:58,021
I am.
238
00:09:58,497 --> 00:10:00,124
Congratulations. The hardest part is over.
239
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:03,759
Just be warned, whatever you wear
to the store ain't coming home,
240
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:06,804
so you can kiss that sexy little
burnt pumpkin number goodbye.
241
00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:11,775
Hey, Mom, just wanted you to know,
242
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:13,709
I'm all up to speed on sex stuff now.
243
00:10:13,879 --> 00:10:15,506
Way to not be weird about it.
244
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,078
Hey! You finally did it!
245
00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:22,017
Yep. What'd I do?
246
00:10:22,521 --> 00:10:24,079
Dave said he knows all about sex.
247
00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:26,749
Oh. Right.
248
00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:28,191
Yep. I did it.
249
00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:29,249
At first...
250
00:10:29,328 --> 00:10:31,990
(IMITATING GEORGE BUSH)
Not gonna do it, but I did.
251
00:10:32,064 --> 00:10:34,123
- (CHUCKLES)
- Wow. I'm so proud.
252
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:36,293
Way to dad up!
253
00:10:36,435 --> 00:10:37,629
(CHUCKLES)
254
00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:38,863
(DOOR CLOSES)
255
00:10:43,342 --> 00:10:45,037
Dave, how did you learn about sex?
256
00:10:45,244 --> 00:10:47,712
From Julie.
She lectured me for about an hour,
257
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:49,771
followed by a spirited Q&A.
258
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:57,055
I mean, why does he want
to break up with me?
259
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,691
- Look, you've only got one option here...
- (SIGHS)
260
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:00,817
...a PEB.
261
00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:03,621
- A what?
- A preemptive breakup.
262
00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:04,754
Yeah.
263
00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:06,297
When you think someone's gonna dump you,
264
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:07,593
- you beat them to the punch.
- Hmm.
265
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:09,497
Take control of the narrative, as in,
266
00:11:09,568 --> 00:11:11,661
"Hey, did you hear Clark dumped that fella?
267
00:11:11,737 --> 00:11:13,329
"He is not to be trifled with."
268
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:18,340
That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard!
269
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,038
"Preemptive breakup?"
270
00:11:20,112 --> 00:11:21,511
What if Connor
doesn't want to break up with you?
271
00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:24,413
No. He does. I know it.
272
00:11:24,483 --> 00:11:26,144
I've been on the business end of too many
273
00:11:26,218 --> 00:11:27,651
"we need to talk" talks.
274
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,754
The PEB is the way to go.
275
00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:33,189
Thank you, Pat.
276
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:35,991
You're welcome.
277
00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:40,055
So, this is what it feels
like to help people.
278
00:11:40,132 --> 00:11:41,326
I don't care for it.
279
00:11:45,404 --> 00:11:46,996
Julie, we need to talk.
280
00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:49,405
Will everyone please stop saying that?
281
00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:56,113
Dr. Ken, I am so sorry.
282
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:57,774
I've already packed my things.
283
00:11:58,317 --> 00:11:59,750
Somebody...
284
00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:01,480
Take good care of Plant!
285
00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:04,546
Oh, no, I'm not mad.
286
00:12:04,623 --> 00:12:05,681
You did me a solid.
287
00:12:05,758 --> 00:12:07,953
I've been dreading
having that conversation with Dave.
288
00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:09,152
Really?
289
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:11,025
Oh, but what about Allison?
Is she mad at me?
290
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:12,257
Oh, she doesn't know.
291
00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:14,128
She assumed I gave Dave the sex talk,
292
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,633
and I did not correct her.
293
00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:18,602
She hates being corrected,
and I hate being caught. (CHUCKLES)
294
00:12:19,338 --> 00:12:21,135
Oh, God, I'm so relieved!
295
00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:24,199
I mean, she would've been hella pissed,
but don't worry.
296
00:12:24,276 --> 00:12:26,836
I would never put you
in the path of that Mama Bear.
297
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:29,613
- (CELLPHONE BUZZING)
- Oh.
298
00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:31,411
Oh. Hey, Allison.
299
00:12:31,517 --> 00:12:33,747
I just got a call from Principal Michaels.
300
00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:35,218
Apparently, there's an issue with Dave
301
00:12:35,287 --> 00:12:37,152
talking to his classmates about sex.
302
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:39,689
Well, that was bound to happen.
I was the same way.
303
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,626
When I learned about sex,
I wouldn't shut up about it. (CHUCKLES)
304
00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:44,356
Ask any of my med-school friends.
305
00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:49,730
Okay, that's sad, but it's not the issue.
306
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:53,203
The problem is, apparently,
he's wrong about things.
307
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:55,001
Like, really wrong.
308
00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:56,302
What did you tell him?
309
00:12:57,176 --> 00:12:58,768
I didn't tell Dave anything! It was Julie!
310
00:12:58,911 --> 00:13:00,208
(STUTTERS)
311
00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:11,580
You didn't have to come all the way here.
312
00:13:11,657 --> 00:13:13,318
Oh, no, I wanted to.
313
00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:15,383
I'm just so sorry.
314
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:18,123
I, I didn't plan to talk to Dave about sex.
315
00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:21,530
I even tried to distract him
with a baking soda volcano,
316
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,398
but the eruption led to more questions.
317
00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:29,499
I know how persistent
Dave can be when he's curious.
318
00:13:29,575 --> 00:13:32,305
We once drove 200 miles
to the Museum of Scones.
319
00:13:32,378 --> 00:13:33,470
Yeah.
320
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:36,071
It's a huge racket. They don't sell jam.
321
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:37,911
You can't bring your own.
322
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,075
What I don't understand is
323
00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,712
how Dave got the information so mixed up.
324
00:13:42,788 --> 00:13:45,348
Yeah, he thought foreplay was sex
with three other people.
325
00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:46,686
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
326
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:47,919
Wait, do you think that?
327
00:13:49,128 --> 00:13:51,619
Not anymore.
328
00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:55,900
There were just
so many questions coming at me...
329
00:13:55,968 --> 00:13:57,663
And I, I got nervous and panicked,
330
00:13:57,736 --> 00:14:00,000
and I started mixing things up
and forgetting things.
331
00:14:00,072 --> 00:14:01,096
It's okay.
332
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,733
You're not the only person
that's forgotten about foreplay.
333
00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:08,439
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you liked having more time to read.
334
00:14:08,714 --> 00:14:11,683
Okay, thank you for coming over.
We appreciate it.
335
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,988
I'm just gonna make a hard and fast rule
336
00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:22,892
not to talk to children
about sex from now on.
337
00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:24,427
Good rule.
338
00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:26,623
(CHUCKLES)
339
00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:29,290
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Man, can you believe her?
340
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:30,528
What a mess she made!
341
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,398
Oh, really? So this is Julie's fault?
342
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:33,870
Well, it's not mine.
343
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:36,737
If you recall, I'm the one who said
Molly should give him the talk.
344
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,878
If you had done your job as a parent,
345
00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:41,708
he never would've needed to ask Julie.
346
00:14:42,514 --> 00:14:46,075
Wow, I didn't think about it... (LAUGHING)
347
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:48,642
Why are you dressed
like the Hamburglar's naughty daughter?
348
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:49,981
(LAUGHS)
349
00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:52,514
Oh, come on! I'm sorry!
350
00:14:52,591 --> 00:14:54,456
Oh, come on! No, no, I didn't mean that!
351
00:14:54,526 --> 00:14:56,892
I shouldn't have shirked
my responsibility! (LAUGHS)
352
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:02,760
Hey.
353
00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:04,793
Hey.
354
00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:08,631
Did you, uh, get my text?
355
00:15:08,774 --> 00:15:10,173
(PEN TAPS)
356
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,402
I did.
357
00:15:12,511 --> 00:15:14,172
Uh, so, should we go somewhere and, uh...
358
00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:15,677
I'm breaking up with you!
359
00:15:16,315 --> 00:15:17,748
Attaboy!
360
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:22,244
- I'm sorry. What?
- And you know what? It is your loss!
361
00:15:22,321 --> 00:15:23,720
I don't even like Thai food,
362
00:15:23,789 --> 00:15:26,587
but I eat it with you all the time!
363
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:29,787
I even go so far
as to make adorable puns about it!
364
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:31,420
But you know what,
if that is not enough for you,
365
00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:34,364
well, then you can Thai me a river!
366
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,295
Oh, God, were you not coming here
to break up with me?
367
00:15:40,372 --> 00:15:41,839
- (SIGHS)
- You know what? Forget what I said.
368
00:15:41,907 --> 00:15:43,602
Want to grab dinner?
Hey, how about Thai? Mmm!
369
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,371
Clark, Clark, Clark, Clark!
370
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:46,904
(SIGHS)
371
00:15:46,979 --> 00:15:48,742
I actually did come here
to break up with you.
372
00:15:48,814 --> 00:15:52,181
Aha! The plot maintains its exact thickness!
373
00:15:52,251 --> 00:15:53,548
(MOUTHING)
374
00:15:54,253 --> 00:15:55,845
See, I knew you were going to,
375
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:58,151
so that's why I broke up with you, but...
376
00:15:58,223 --> 00:15:59,713
- God, I don't want to.
- I don't want to either.
377
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,192
- Then why?
- I don't know!
378
00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:03,558
When we first started dating,
379
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,221
you were this hot-blooded nurse
380
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:07,390
who knew exactly what he wanted.
381
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:09,491
And now you've become a kind of pushover
382
00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:11,331
who just wants to do whatever I want to do.
383
00:16:11,403 --> 00:16:12,836
Yeah, but that's just...
384
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,634
It's because I like you so much
385
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,698
that I'm scared I'm gonna screw this up.
386
00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:18,599
You won't if you're yourself.
387
00:16:18,677 --> 00:16:20,508
I'm not gonna dump you
because you hate Thai food.
388
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:21,637
I'm not a monster.
389
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:24,009
In my defense,
a guy did once break up with me
390
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:26,608
because instead
of saying "cashew," I say, "ca-shew!"
391
00:16:28,587 --> 00:16:31,920
I'm just as scared
of screwing this up as you are.
392
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,186
We have to just be ourselves
and hope that that's enough.
393
00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:35,984
God, you're more than enough.
394
00:16:36,261 --> 00:16:37,285
So are you.
395
00:16:40,632 --> 00:16:41,826
Aww!
396
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,493
Come on, let's get out of here.
397
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:47,664
I have a few more opinions
to fill you in on, starting with this jacket.
398
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:48,934
(CHUCKLES) Yikes.
399
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,100
Have a good night.
400
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:51,972
- Don't pander to them.
- Okay.
401
00:16:52,911 --> 00:16:55,880
Ah. Good old PEB.
402
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:58,007
- Works every time.
- No, it doesn't.
403
00:16:58,083 --> 00:17:00,074
Yeah? Well, it worked on you.
404
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,011
Yeah.
405
00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:03,916
I got wind of the fact
you were gonna dump me,
406
00:17:03,989 --> 00:17:05,183
and I beat you to the punch.
407
00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:06,782
Oh.
408
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,884
You thought I was gonna break up with you?
409
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,122
Mmm-hmm. Interesting.
410
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:13,596
Well... You were, weren't you?
411
00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:15,666
Maybe.
412
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:17,258
Well, you know, it doesn't matter.
413
00:17:17,336 --> 00:17:19,930
Point is, you never got closure,
so you're still intrigued.
414
00:17:20,005 --> 00:17:21,472
(SCOFFS)
415
00:17:21,573 --> 00:17:23,268
Ha! I am not!
416
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:24,502
No? (CHUCKLES)
417
00:17:24,576 --> 00:17:25,838
Well, you want to go get dinner,
418
00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:27,902
followed by an erotic re-awakening?
419
00:17:29,481 --> 00:17:31,210
- Damn it, I do.
- (CHUCKLES)
420
00:17:33,419 --> 00:17:34,477
(CHUCKLES)
421
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,222
I can't resist your sneaky ass.
422
00:17:46,965 --> 00:17:48,057
(DOOR OPENS)
423
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:51,363
Hey, Al, I took the Christmas lights down.
424
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,971
I also got your brakes fixed.
425
00:17:54,039 --> 00:17:56,667
Admittedly, I may have
waited a little long on that one.
426
00:17:56,742 --> 00:18:00,337
I couldn't stop when I pulled into Arturo's,
came in kind of hot.
427
00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:02,312
Unrelated, you also got a new bumper.
428
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:04,676
Well, that almost makes up
429
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,615
for delegating our son's sexual education
430
00:18:06,685 --> 00:18:08,209
to someone who thought heavy petting
431
00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:10,517
was what you do to an overweight house cat.
432
00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:15,183
Well, just so you know,
there's a reason I never gave Dave the talk.
433
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:17,922
Yeah. You're terrified
of awkward conversations,
434
00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:21,727
which is strange
because you create them on a daily basis.
435
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:24,795
Look, the thing is,
Dave's still my little buddy.
436
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:26,360
He's just an innocent kid,
437
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,838
getting his butt kicked
by his dad in Operation.
438
00:18:28,907 --> 00:18:29,931
I know you lost.
439
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:32,909
Technically, we never finished,
but that's not what's important here.
440
00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:35,440
Look, once he knows all about adult stuff,
441
00:18:35,514 --> 00:18:38,506
he'll eventually stop being my little boy,
442
00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:40,279
and I'm just not ready
for him to grow up yet.
443
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,421
Okay. I get that.
444
00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:47,186
But part of being
a parent is putting aside your own issues
445
00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:49,659
and being there for your kids
when they need you.
446
00:18:49,828 --> 00:18:51,318
You're right, Al.
447
00:18:51,396 --> 00:18:53,626
All right, I'll give him the talk.
448
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:55,428
You know, being a parent sucks.
449
00:18:55,501 --> 00:18:57,731
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- It sucks so bad.
450
00:18:57,803 --> 00:18:58,997
(LAUGHS)
451
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,436
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
452
00:19:02,374 --> 00:19:03,932
Mom? What happened?
453
00:19:04,276 --> 00:19:05,971
You're back in beige!
454
00:19:07,279 --> 00:19:10,715
Well, in the 20 minutes it took me
to get into that skirt,
455
00:19:10,782 --> 00:19:12,443
I had some time to think.
456
00:19:12,518 --> 00:19:16,010
And I realized, while I needed a change,
457
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:18,852
this stuff just isn't me.
458
00:19:18,924 --> 00:19:21,154
I don't want my feet to bleed on a Monday.
459
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:25,287
I guess that's where we're different.
460
00:19:26,532 --> 00:19:29,228
So, what are you gonna do
with all the things we bought?
461
00:19:29,434 --> 00:19:31,595
- I'll just return them.
- Good call.
462
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:32,830
(GASPS)
463
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:35,396
- Wait a minute! You know what, Mom?
- Hmm?
464
00:19:35,474 --> 00:19:36,771
What if you just gave all that stuff to me?
465
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:39,005
You'd do that for me?
466
00:19:39,444 --> 00:19:41,173
We're family.
467
00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:42,608
Well, here you go.
468
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:46,315
I'm just so glad that all worked out!
469
00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:48,410
Mmm, you're welcome.
470
00:19:52,724 --> 00:19:54,658
Dude, I think you just got played.
471
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,291
Uh, really?
472
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:57,419
You knew?
473
00:19:57,496 --> 00:19:58,622
Then why did you even give...
474
00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:01,188
Because she won't always be interested
475
00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:03,734
in manipulating her mother for free clothes.
476
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,199
Huh.
477
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:08,796
I guess Dave's not the only one
growing up too fast.
478
00:20:09,141 --> 00:20:11,837
We need to enjoy
these moments while we can.
479
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,543
You're right.
480
00:20:15,447 --> 00:20:17,642
Speaking of enjoying moments...
481
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,741
Maybe you and I
should have the sex talk first,
482
00:20:19,818 --> 00:20:22,116
you know, just to work out any kinks.
483
00:20:23,322 --> 00:20:24,789
Or to work...
484
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,286
- In some kinks...
- (LAUGHS)
485
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:28,883
If you know what I sayin'.
486
00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:30,584
I know what you sayin'.
487
00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:31,890
(BOTH LAUGH)
488
00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,229
Actually, can we skip the foreplay?
489
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,028
I just hurt my back
just doing this whole thing.
490
00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:37,125
Yep.
491
00:20:42,941 --> 00:20:46,468
And because these activities
take place beforehand,
492
00:20:46,545 --> 00:20:48,570
it's called "foreplay."
493
00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:49,909
- Get it?
- Got it.
494
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:51,847
Thanks for telling me all this stuff, Dad.
495
00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:53,314
You're welcome, buddy.
496
00:20:53,385 --> 00:20:55,376
Yeah, thank you, Dr. Park.
497
00:20:55,454 --> 00:20:58,014
This has been super informative.
498
00:20:58,724 --> 00:21:00,624
Like, a real eye-opener.
499
00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:04,491
Hey, is it okay if I call you
if I have any more questions?
500
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:07,731
Any time. I think I have a good handle on it.
501
00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:12,497
Well, I've got to get home to the cats.
502
00:21:12,571 --> 00:21:15,062
I've got a night of heavy
petting ahead of me.
503
00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:20,268
(BOTH SIGH)
504
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:26,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll