Your aunt, she like brown?
I'm pretty sure she can't even see.
So, on what basis do we know she's gonna like the chair?
That's why I don't think it really matters which one we get.
I like it. Let's find a salesman.
Okay.
- Excuse me? - Oh, hey there. What's up?
We're thinking about this chair over here.
Can you tell me a little about it?
- Hold on a second. - I mean, does it tell...
I know who you are. You're the Dice Man!
Yeah, how you doing?
Dice Man!
No, I-I got to say, I don't know
if this chair's fancy enough for you.
I mean, I'm sure Mr. Andrew Dice Clay
wants the most expensive chair in the store.
Let me stop you there. The chair is not for me, okay?
- It's for her aunt, so... - Say something funny.
You know what, I think we're just gonna look around, okay?
All right. I'll see you later.
- Really? - Really what?
We're gonna see each other later?
You're kidding me, right?
No.
Okay, it was great to meet you.
Bye!
Yeah. I-I'll see you later.
Look, we don't need help.
We just need to buy a fucking chair.
I can't walk in a fucking furniture store...
Sorry! Hi.
Sorry about what happened back there.
Where's your bodyguard?
I'm his bodyguard.
You're his bodyguard?
Look, pal, I know you got some kind of idea
about who I am in your head, but things aren't like that.
Yeah. But still, you shouldn't be out here all alone.
I should be your bodyguard.
You should be my bodyguard?
I should be your bodyguard.
Why? To protect me from people like you?
Look, how about we fight?
- What? - There's no one around.
I'm the manager. We can do it right here.
Look, I don't need any fights, okay?
I don't want to fight with anybody.
I just want to buy a fucking chair. That's it.
Okay, look, I-it doesn't have to be a fight.
It could be a wrestling match.
If I pin you, then I get to be your bodyguard.
If you pin me, I'll give you a chair.
I don't need a free fucking chair.
Listen, pal, I've had my ass kicked
by some of the toughest guys you'd ever meet,
and you're not one of those guys, okay?
So do yourself a favor while you can
and just walk the fuck away!
Oh, let's go.
Let's do it, you fucking asshole.
- Oh, you stupid fuck! - Come on, you pussy!
What time's your aunt's party?
We have time. Go ahead. Kick his ass.
Oh!
Top of the world, ma.
Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - www.Addic7ed.com -
What do you want me to say, Andrew?
You haven't been performing, and we're broke.
I'll get back on stage, and I'll fix it.
And besides, I got a meeting today.
You have a meeting? With Marvin?
Yeah, with Marvin.
About a gig?
I don't know. I haven't met with him yet.
I'm telling you, Andrew, without this alimony,
we wouldn't be able to pay for our cars.
What are you talking about, alimony?
- Yeah, alimony. - You still get alimony?
Well, we're not married, so duh, I get alimony.
What'd you think this check was every month?
I don't care if we go homeless,
I'm not taking another guy's money.
Well, it's the law.
Unless, you know, you want to get married.
Come on, that's not even the point.
What are you doing over here?
All right. Well, until then, he pays for the cars.
Wait a minute. Dr. Lowenstein is paying for my Denali?
$538.58 a month.
No man should ever pay for another man's Denali.
But he is.
All right. That's good.
Because guess what, you got to drive me to my meeting.
Your car doesn't work?
As far as I'm concerned, I don't own a car anymore.
So get your keys. I'll meet you at the front.
Call Milkshake. He'll drive you.
What are you doing writing?
What are you writing while you're driving?
I'm letting people know where I am.
What people?
I'm your only person.
Other than me, you have no people.
I got people. I got friends.
That right?
You think I'm a boring person?
Well, there's some people
that think you're a little boring, that's all.
And what have you ever done that's so exciting?
No, nothing. What have I ever done, right?
Let's start with being an international superstar.
Bringing Madison Square Garden to a decibel level of 12.6, .2,
something like that, they told me.
Hundreds and hundreds of millions
of fucking people coming to see me.
I think that's a... hey.
Hey, I didn't even tell you this.
Recently, I'm not even fucking around,
they took one of my jackets.
It's in the New Brunswick Hall of Fame.
New Brunswick Hall of Fame is gonna take one of your jackets?
What do you got against New Brunswick?
What are you gonna say to this guy?
It's not your job to know what I'm gonna say to him.
It's your job to have my back.
Well, am I... am I acting as your driver,
or am I acting as your bodyguard?
What's the fucking difference?
Well, I'd like to know what my role is, that's all.
Just keep your eyes open. That's your role.
That's your role.
It affects what I get paid.
What do you mean what you get paid?
I employed you on a trial basis.
This ain't about money.
You ate half the candy in the car
just coming over here, and you're asking me for money?
You get other things.
You get full access to me.
You're my best friend. I got full access to you.
All right. Big shot. Everybody's a big shot.
Can I help you?
Yeah, I'm here to see, uh, Doc Lowenstein.
- Do you have an appointment? - No.
- Are you a new patient? - No.
Have you seen a dermatologist before?
I suggest you just do what the man says.
What... what are you doing?
I'm keeping my eyes open.
How is that keeping your eyes open?
I don't know.
Let me check with the doctor.
This is some setup you got over here, huh?
Thanks.
You got... you got to get, like, them brackets
that you can stick, like, the chicks' feet through.
Oh, I'm a dermatologist. We don't have those.
No, no, I know.
Well, great to see you, Dice.
Bit of a surprise, but, uh...
So, how is Carmie doing these days?
"Carmie."
What kind of shoes are those?
Oh, these are the Vibram Barefoot
Sport Trek Five-Finger sandal.
They were designed for nature walks,
but they serve me well in the office here.
Yeah, I get it.
Oh.
Will you excuse me one moment?
Don't ever tell anybody Carmen was married to such a tiny man.
He is small.
All right. Sorry about that.
So, what can I help you with?
I don't want to take up a lot of your time,
but, uh, you know, we want you
to stop sending the alimony payments.
- The alimony. - Yeah.
- To Carmen. - Yeah.
- These are Carmen's wishes? - Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that.
It would be against the law.
He's a tiny man, but he plays hardball.
It's not like that. I'm just not allowed to stop
unless... did you two get married?
Uh... uh, not the way you'd think.
Like, a little different.
That's not the point.
Okay. Well, I'm sorry.
I'm just not allowed to stop.
It's against the law.
Are you a dermatologist or a lawyer?
He's a dermatologist.
What, do you, like,
got it out for me?
I'm trying to take you off the hook here.
What are you looking at me like?
The fuck is this about? What?
What, do you want a piece of me?
Is that it? Huh?
How long have you had that thing on your neck?
What thing?
Just sit back down in the chair for me here.
What is it? What are you talking about?
We'll find out.
No, I'm not good like this.
Honestly, I mean, you're my manager,
and it's been a little quiet on your end.
Quiet on my end?
Yeah, quiet on your end of, like, the phone.
Your phone's not ringing, my phone's not ringing.
Neither one of our phones is ringing.
But I know one thing.
I got a call this morning.
Good news.
I got to hear some good news.
I could use it.
I got a phone call from Tony at the Tangiers casino.
Tony at the Tangiers?
Runs the whole goddamn thing.
Books the big room.
The big room at the Tangiers?
Okay, they're talking residency. 200 nights a year, Dice.
This is the kind of fucking news I... dawg, this is...
This is unbelievable, really.
This is huge. This is huge.
And, Tony, Tony wants to meet with you.
I get it. Wait.
What the fuck is this on the bike here?
What the fuck is that?
I don't know.
Hey, you... you want to meet with my security guy?
No, no, no. I can handle myself.
'Scuse me. Oh!
No fucking pictures!
What are you doing?
Can I help you with something?
What?
Did this used to be a Circuit City?
Yeah, yeah. It closed.
Uh, there's a Five Guys a couple blocks down.
You make a left on Rancho.
Five Guys is a burger place.
- You mean Best Buy? - Best Buy.
I love Best Buy so much.
All right. Get on your bike and get out of here.
- Do you like it? - Yeah, I love it.
Get the fuck out of here! Do me a favor.
I don't even care what you want anymore.
Tangiers.
Well, that's... that's not too shabby.
And I hear this guy Tony's like a... like a huge fucking fan.
So, it's like a... is it a done deal?
There was an incoming call.
That's great.
- What is that? - What?
Incoming call?
And incoming call, meaning they called me.
They're looking for me.
It gives me, like, some kind of leverage.
I... look, I don't have all day
to explain show business to you.
You don't have to, buddy, I get it.
It's an incoming call.
It's like a formality or whatever.
Exactly. It's done, you know what I mean?
Great.
When they want you, they want you. That's all.
And then this guy, fucking Dr. Lowenstein
trying to get tough with me?
I mean, it wasn't a problem. But I'll tell you the truth.
I fixed everything.
That man is out of our life forever.
Except I got to back in two weeks for a follow-up.
But after that, he's gone forever.
What the fuck, Andrew?
That's a lot of money to give away for no reason.
What are you worried about? We got the Tangiers.
We don't got the Tangiers.
We got a meeting at the Tangiers.
How many times I got to tell you,
- it was an incoming call. - An incoming call?
Yeah.
Let's just have the meeting first.
Ha, ha!
Why has Milkshake been on the couch all day?
'Cause he thinks he's the head of my security team, so...
I don't have the heart to tell him to leave.
Take it easy, Tiger.
I'll get it.
- Hey, Dice. - Marvin.
So, uh, Tony changed the meeting,
and it's, uh, tomorrow at 7:30...
7:30? In the morning?
- A.M. - 7:30 in the morning?
Tony's got an early flight,
so we have to do the meeting before that.
But he can't get up that early.
He's never woken up before noon in his life.
I know. That's why I'm telling y'all.
Just change the meeting. What's the big deal?
Change the meeting. It was an incoming call.
No, I can't just change the meeting.
And it was an outgoing call.
No, you told me it was incoming.
It was actually an incoming call
after I made the outgoing call.
Are you fucking kidding me with this here now?
Hey, at least it's a meeting.
Just go to bed early,
and then you get up and get that job,
and you can make it rain, get the paper...
All right. What are we really talking...
so I'll go to bed early. I mean, come on.
What... wh-what am I, uh, 5 years old?
Right, Milkshake?
You are so beautiful.
Andrew!
Go to bed!
I can't yet. I'm not tired.
Well, you got to go to bed.
You got a meeting at 7:30.
- All right. - Come on!
I'm coming in. I'm coming in.
Come on.
Yeah.
Yeeeeah.
Tch!
What are you doing?
Oh, the shredder.
I just... I can't sleep. I don't know.
If I give you a blow job,
will, you stop playing with the fucking shredder?
Okay.
But...
be nice to know you're not doing it
just to, like, keep me quiet.
Well, that is why I would do it.
To keep you quiet so you can go to sleep.
Yeah, but, babe, don't you think it's nice if a girl
is, like, a little emotional about your...
you know, your cock?
What?
What do you want me to say, Andrew?
That I didn't hear the fucking shredder?
That I was sound asleep
and then I woke up of my own fucking volition,
tossing and turning
'cause I couldn't stop dreaming
about sucking your dick?
You see, now that grabs me.
Fuck you.
No! What are you getting mad about?
What... what happened now?
Dice. Hey, man.
- Hey. - How are you?
What are you doing?
I'm all right. How you doing?
Eh, I couldn't sleep. I had to get out.
- What's going on? - Got a meeting.
Thought maybe, uh... maybe I could play some cards?
Wow. That's...
Cards, I mean, that's... you know, because I got to...
I-I mean, I could see if we could extend you
some more credit, but the truth is, uh, you know...
You know what, you could do me a favor.
There's a guy here, he's a high roller,
he's having a bachelor party,
and I'm just thinking maybe you could just
pop your head into the party bus, do your Dice thing.
Give him a thrill, you know what I'm saying?
Psh, come on. Not tonight.
Not tonight.
You have no idea what's going on in my life.
I-I was offered
a pity blow job tonight.
How'd that go?
I fucked that up, too.
I don't know how you fuck up a pity blow job.
You know, listen. These guys, honestly,
they grew up worshipping you, man.
I don't know.
I know you owe us a lot of money.
- Right? - Okay.
I saw you. You were like, "Okay, I'm open to it."
Let's do it.
This is the guy.
Hey, guys. How you doing?
Hey.
Yeah, Brett asked me to come on
and, uh... to say hi.
Who's Brett again?
He's the guy who got us the shuttle.
- How's it going? - Who are you?
No, that don't matter.
I just came on to say congratulations.
Lots of luck to you, you know what I mean?
Guys! Do you know who this is?!
What's up, man?!
- What's happening? - What's up?!
- Everything's cool. - Yeah! Dude!
Lot of people say they're fans of yours.
I'm an actual fan of yours.
That's cool.
- Huge fan of yours. - Yeah, yeah.
He dressed up like you at our retreat.
- Show him the pic. - Oh, check it out!
Show him the picture. Show him the pic.
I mean, is that me or is that you?
- That... yeah. - I'm you!
Very cool.
You're like my spirit animal, man.
Hey, hey, hey. Guys, guys.
How... how drunk are you? Jesus!
This is Andrew Dice Clay.
Get this man a drink.
- Get him a drink now. - No, no, no.
- Get him a drink! - I got to get out of here.
A toast.
To you. To you. To you.
You're coming to my wedding.
- All right. - You're coming to my wedding.
Yeah.
- Oh! - Whoa!
- Oh, Dice down! - Fuck!
- Ohhh! - Party foul!
Yo, driver!
Yeah, pull this shuttle over, all right?
I'm gonna pull over, but I got to circle around.
- Don't stop! - No, no, no, no.
Guys, come on.
- Keep driving! - He's up!
And he's up!
- Hey, it's the Bellagio! - I saw Joan Rivers there.
Joan Rivers was so full of plastic,
a homeless man took her out of the trash
and recycled her for 10 cents.
That's funny.
She probably would have liked that.
But how about showing a little respect?
I mean, I was good friends with her.
Oh, guys, you got to be careful.
Let's all not call her a dead fucking bitch.
Joan Rivers!
You know what, I'm starting to get a little angry.
I mean, you don't know me, you know what I mean?
So chill out with it.
Come on, man, relax! Look at you!
We're just fucking kidding.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? You know what?
Going forward, from now on,
we won't call Joan Rivers a dead...
- fucking... bitch. - Oh, a dead fucking bitch!
You think that's funny?
Why don't you fucking get up and say that?
I would... I would if I could.
Mike's paralyzed.
H-his wheelchair's up front.
Oh, really? I don't give a fuck
if he's deaf and blind and missing both his arms and legs.
I'll take that wheelchair,
I'll bang it through your fucking head.
Oh, yeah? Well, fuck Joan Rivers.
And fuck you too, Gene Simmons.
Your band fucking sucks dick.
Hey, asshole. Fuck...
Hey! Hey, guys, guys!
Oh, God.
- Hi. Good morning. - Hi.
- How you doing? - I'm good.
- How are you? - I'm good. Here for Tony.
Okay. Are you bleeding?
Uh, I was. I'm all right now.
Thanks.
Okay. You can go on through.
Thank you.
- How's it going? - Oh!
There he is.
Right on time.
And everybody said you were gonna be late.
Oh, yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm looking for, uh, Tony.
Yeah, that's me.
Toni with an "I."
Come on, have a seat.
Toni with an "I." I wasn't even thinking that way.
No?
I mean, normally, uh, you know, women don't run casinos.
Okay, let me stop you there.
I used to crack heads at Lockheed Martin.
It's a place where the guys had a lot bigger dicks
than anybody around here.
And you know who had the biggest?
- No. - Me.
You want me to take my dick out?
- No. - You sure?
Because I'll lay it out on this fucking table.
It's big enough to make you blush.
So, enough talk about me.
Let's talk about you.
You got the job.
I got the job?
Yeah, you got it.
I'm thinking about residency.
200 shows a year.
Oh, my God.
You want one of our limos to pick you up at home,
bring you to work?
Yeah, sure!
Did you see that documentary
about that sushi guy who lives in the subway in Tokyo?
Well, I got a guy like that.
A sushi master.
That's... that's terrific.
Yeah, and you can order whatever you want
on the nights you work.
Thank you.
So?
All we got to do now is, uh...
you know, we got to call my manager,
you know, uh, make the deal.
Whatever money.
Well, we could do that.
Or I could just write you out a check right now.
How about I write you out a check?
Yeah.
Great!
That's fantastic.
It's just such a relief
after everything I've been going through.
I mean, you know,
my girl's breaking my chops,
everything's broken at the house.
I mean, thank you.
Thank you.
"Dance monkey"? What the fuck is this?
Do you have any idea how much you've lost at this casino?
How much money you owe me?
All right, I know I'm down some money, but come on.
Do you know where you're going to be
between may 4th and December 10th?
Shh!
You're gonna be here.
I know what you're thinking. "This is slavery."
But slaves don't have their names in lights.
You do.
It's more like you're a white woman in Japan,
except instead of a nice shaved pussy,
you got a fat Jewish mouth.
Dice, I'm not that bad.
I've arranged it so that you can keep your house.
Take a couple of months off, go on tour.
I know you have to eat.
But the rest of the year, I need you to wear this.
A beeper?
You're my insurance policy.
Carrot Top gets sick, I got Dice.
Jerry Bruckheimer wants to throw a bachelor party, I got Dice.
A Sudanese billionaire wants to watch somebody fuck somebody?
I got Dice.
What I'm trying to say is
welcome to the Tangiers family.
Okay, what the fuck are you smiling about?
Let me tell you something.
You know how they say, like,
when you owe the bank a few dollars, the bank owns you?
But when you owe the bank a lot of money,
you own the bank,
if you see what I'm saying over there.
No.
Well, thing is this.
I mean, yeah, I lost at the tables,
but I won big in here.
I'm pretty sure you lost here.
Oh, really?
I got my name in lights again, right?
I'm onstage at the Tangiers in Las Vegas, right?
Well, you know something, that's something I'd do for free.
You are doing it for free.
I play the big room every Saturday night.
Thursday.
Fridays.
- Thursday. - Done.
- Yeah. - Done.
And one other thing.
You can keep the sushi.
I mean, I don't believe in fish.
I never did.
I don't need a limo.
But I'm gonna need a check every month... $538.58.
For transportation.
Come see the show one night.
I'll get right on that.
Hey, fuckhead, you forgot the calendar.
Thanks a lot, pal.
Marvin called. He said you got the gig!
Yeah, I got the gig.
Congratulations! I'm so proud of you!
Get over here. Get over here.
You did it! We got to celebrate.
Why don't we get one of those bottles of champagne you love?
You know what? We're gonna go for a drive.
A drive?
After you, my little queen.
What happened to your eye?
Oh, it... it's funny. I'll te... here, get in the car.
- I'll tell you. - Sounds funny.
Funny already.
Babe. Tangiers. Denali.
So, how much are they paying you?
Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - www.Addic7ed.com -