1
00:00:01,176 --> 00:00:02,499
[Archer]
Because she's two, Lana!
2
00:00:02,619 --> 00:00:03,952
What possible difference
could it make,
3
00:00:04,154 --> 00:00:06,171
what pre-pre-school
she goes to?
4
00:00:06,373 --> 00:00:08,990
Because if A.J. gets
into pre-pre at Country Day,
5
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:10,409
she's set through eighth grade.
6
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:11,811
Then she's basically
guaranteed a slot
7
00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,245
at any prep school in L.A.!
8
00:00:13,448 --> 00:00:14,714
Yeah, but why prep school?
9
00:00:14,916 --> 00:00:16,282
Are we not even
considering public school?
10
00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:17,484
Seriously?
11
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:19,285
Why not?
And in summertime,
12
00:00:19,487 --> 00:00:20,953
instead of a lemonade stand,
13
00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,422
she could have a teeny little
stripper pole, and--
14
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:24,291
Malory!
Mother!
15
00:00:24,412 --> 00:00:25,878
Public school.
16
00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:28,313
Might as well leave her by a
dumpster at the county fair
17
00:00:28,516 --> 00:00:29,948
and hope she's taken in by carnies.
18
00:00:30,151 --> 00:00:31,850
Wow.
Yeah, Mother, good call,
19
00:00:32,053 --> 00:00:33,293
I didn't know we were drinking.
20
00:00:33,421 --> 00:00:34,953
We're not.
Because Country Day
21
00:00:35,156 --> 00:00:38,190
gets a thousand applicants
for ten spaces in pre-pre.
22
00:00:38,392 --> 00:00:40,459
Please stop saying "pre-pre."
Shut up.
23
00:00:40,661 --> 00:00:42,461
And A.J. is going to get
one of those spaces,
24
00:00:42,663 --> 00:00:44,897
and you're not gonna screw
this up for her, Archer!
25
00:00:45,099 --> 00:00:47,332
[man]
Archer? Swirling Archer?
26
00:00:47,535 --> 00:00:48,535
[gasp]
27
00:00:51,105 --> 00:00:52,105
Sterling!
Archer?
28
00:00:52,206 --> 00:00:53,005
[whisper] Ivy.
29
00:00:53,207 --> 00:00:54,773
Dude, it's me! Ivy!
30
00:00:54,975 --> 00:00:55,975
From St. Josh!
31
00:00:56,043 --> 00:00:57,209
Yeah, I, uh --
[laughing]
32
00:00:57,411 --> 00:00:59,244
Long time, no see!
33
00:00:59,447 --> 00:01:01,447
What're you doing here?
Checking out the toilets?
34
00:01:01,649 --> 00:01:04,716
No, I'm-- I mean I'm,
I'm, I'm-- [laughing]
35
00:01:04,919 --> 00:01:07,886
[imitating] Wow, still
got that stammer, huh?
36
00:01:08,089 --> 00:01:10,355
I--
Hello, Richard Stratton the fourth,
37
00:01:10,558 --> 00:01:11,958
though my good friends call me Ivy.
38
00:01:12,059 --> 00:01:13,325
Malory Archer.
39
00:01:13,527 --> 00:01:15,561
Hmm. Sterling never mentioned
a sister.
40
00:01:15,763 --> 00:01:18,697
Oh, you.
I'm actually his mother,
41
00:01:18,899 --> 00:01:19,899
if you can believe it.
42
00:01:20,034 --> 00:01:21,500
I absolutely cannot.
43
00:01:21,702 --> 00:01:25,070
Really? Hi, Lana Kane.
Hello.
44
00:01:25,272 --> 00:01:27,840
So, Mr. Stratton,
are you a teacher here, or...
45
00:01:28,042 --> 00:01:29,441
[chuckling]
Oh, God, no.
46
00:01:29,643 --> 00:01:31,176
No, I'm on the board.
47
00:01:31,378 --> 00:01:33,712
And, Archer, you're in L.A.?
What's your line?
48
00:01:33,914 --> 00:01:36,348
I-- um-- I'm a--
a private investigator?
49
00:01:36,550 --> 00:01:39,952
[laughs]
No, seriously.
50
00:01:40,154 --> 00:01:41,620
No, seriously.
51
00:01:41,822 --> 00:01:42,822
Wow.
52
00:01:42,890 --> 00:01:43,890
[baby cooing]
Oh.
53
00:01:43,924 --> 00:01:46,725
And who might this person be?
54
00:01:46,927 --> 00:01:48,727
This is our daughter, A.J.
55
00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,327
We're here for a placement interview.
56
00:01:50,394 --> 00:01:51,929
Our? Um...
57
00:01:52,049 --> 00:01:54,982
Ours. As in mine and Archer's.
58
00:02:01,408 --> 00:02:03,375
Yeah I'm not the maid or the nanny.
59
00:02:03,577 --> 00:02:06,245
Good for you.
Good for you.
60
00:02:06,447 --> 00:02:08,180
Gosh, the times we live in, huh?
61
00:02:08,382 --> 00:02:10,749
So hey, private investigator.
62
00:02:10,951 --> 00:02:12,618
I might actually be able to use you.
63
00:02:12,820 --> 00:02:13,820
Oh, well...
Really?
64
00:02:13,988 --> 00:02:15,787
Unfortunately, I don't think
65
00:02:15,990 --> 00:02:18,423
we're taking on new clients
right now, so-- [chuckles]
66
00:02:18,626 --> 00:02:20,125
May I speak with you
a moment, please?
67
00:02:20,327 --> 00:02:22,761
What is this "no new
clients" bullshit?
68
00:02:22,963 --> 00:02:25,864
He's on the board, Archer.
One word from him, and A.J. is in.
69
00:02:26,066 --> 00:02:27,699
Yeah, but--
Yeah, but shut up!
70
00:02:27,902 --> 00:02:30,035
This is your daughter's future,
you dickhead!
71
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:32,671
So you are gonna take his case,
and you are gonna solve it,
72
00:02:32,873 --> 00:02:34,273
and A.J.
is going to school here
73
00:02:34,475 --> 00:02:36,275
and then grow up
to be a titan of industry
74
00:02:36,477 --> 00:02:39,244
or an astronaut or some other shit!
75
00:02:39,446 --> 00:02:40,479
[baby cooing]
76
00:02:40,681 --> 00:02:41,980
[sighs]
Well?
77
00:02:42,183 --> 00:02:45,784
[yelps] Yeah, okay,
sure, glad to help.
78
00:02:45,986 --> 00:02:47,586
Outstanding.
[chuckles]
79
00:02:47,788 --> 00:02:49,855
My office, two o'clock.
Yep.
80
00:02:50,057 --> 00:02:52,858
Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?
81
00:02:53,060 --> 00:02:57,095
She said, phrasing?
Boom. Huh?
82
00:02:57,298 --> 00:02:58,830
Hey, what's happening?
Are you okay?
83
00:02:59,033 --> 00:03:00,033
No!
84
00:03:01,869 --> 00:03:04,753
♪♪
85
00:03:26,754 --> 00:03:37,170
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
86
00:03:38,072 --> 00:03:41,406
[woman] Mr. Archer? Mr.
Stratton will see you now.
87
00:03:41,609 --> 00:03:44,243
Mr. Archer? Mr. Archer.
88
00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:48,247
Boop. Sorry, had to take that.
89
00:03:48,449 --> 00:03:50,415
Mr. Stratton,
I have Mr. Archer.
90
00:03:50,618 --> 00:03:51,618
[Ivy]
Thank you, Cerise.
91
00:03:51,785 --> 00:03:53,652
Holy shit...
I know, right?
92
00:03:53,854 --> 00:03:55,821
Consider it crushed.
[chuckles]
93
00:03:56,023 --> 00:03:59,258
Please, have a seat.
Oh, okay, thanks, uh...
94
00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:00,993
Have a seat.
Yep.
95
00:04:01,195 --> 00:04:03,629
Ah, Swirling Archer. Remember?
96
00:04:03,831 --> 00:04:05,936
How we always used
to call you Swirling?
97
00:04:06,056 --> 00:04:07,960
Yep.
Because of all the swirlies.
98
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,305
Yep.
We were just merciless.
99
00:04:11,164 --> 00:04:13,454
But I was a pussycat compared to Whitney.
Yup.
100
00:04:13,574 --> 00:04:15,307
Yep.
You remember Trent Whitney, right?
101
00:04:15,509 --> 00:04:18,076
Yep, he was, uh, actually worse.
102
00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:20,245
He's the Whitney
in Stratton-Whitney.
103
00:04:20,447 --> 00:04:21,246
Oh.
104
00:04:21,448 --> 00:04:22,581
Hedge fund.
Mm.
105
00:04:22,783 --> 00:04:24,063
You played lacs with him, right?
106
00:04:24,118 --> 00:04:25,317
You were center middies.
Yep.
107
00:04:25,519 --> 00:04:27,085
I was biathlon, obviously.
108
00:04:27,288 --> 00:04:28,848
Probably could've made
the Olympic team,
109
00:04:28,922 --> 00:04:30,756
but whatever, lame.
[chuckles]
110
00:04:30,958 --> 00:04:32,691
And didn't you letter all four years?
111
00:04:32,893 --> 00:04:35,527
No. Just three.
Are you sure?
112
00:04:35,729 --> 00:04:38,030
I am, yeah. Freshman year
I didn't make varsity
113
00:04:38,232 --> 00:04:40,472
because that winter I was
in the hospital for five weeks.
114
00:04:40,601 --> 00:04:42,267
With what, AIDS?
[chuckles]
115
00:04:42,469 --> 00:04:43,469
Pneumonia.
From what?
116
00:04:43,637 --> 00:04:44,736
Complications from AIDS?
[laughing]
117
00:04:44,938 --> 00:04:47,606
No, I actually--
I actually got it
118
00:04:47,808 --> 00:04:50,275
from one of those hilarious swirlies.
Hm?
119
00:04:50,477 --> 00:04:52,811
Yeah, my freshman year,
you two were seniors.
120
00:04:53,013 --> 00:04:54,479
Right before winter break.
121
00:04:54,682 --> 00:04:56,615
[Archer]
Anyway, you each had
122
00:04:56,834 --> 00:04:58,950
maybe twenty pounds on me,
and you cornered me
123
00:04:59,169 --> 00:05:02,020
in the field house,
and you just laid into me,
124
00:05:02,222 --> 00:05:05,223
[boys grunting]
[Young Archer] No! No! No! No!
125
00:05:05,426 --> 00:05:07,392
And then you got me upside
down, over the toilet,
126
00:05:07,594 --> 00:05:09,761
and I started screaming,
because I look down
127
00:05:09,963 --> 00:05:12,698
and the toilet's full of piss.
Whitney had pissed in it.
128
00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:14,666
So I'm screaming,
and you're both laughing,
129
00:05:14,868 --> 00:05:16,535
and it's all echoing off the tiles,
130
00:05:16,737 --> 00:05:18,103
and then Whitney looks down at me
131
00:05:18,305 --> 00:05:20,238
with these crazy eyes,
and he screams at me--
132
00:05:20,441 --> 00:05:22,307
You think I won't [bleep] kill you?
133
00:05:22,509 --> 00:05:26,578
And then he punches me, hard,
and I'm choking on the blood
134
00:05:26,780 --> 00:05:31,199
from my nose, and then you dunk
me, and hold me under for...
135
00:05:31,402 --> 00:05:35,554
I honestly don't even know. I lost
consciousness. [toilet flushing]
136
00:05:35,756 --> 00:05:38,757
[sigh] But long story short, I
didn't make varsity that spring
137
00:05:38,959 --> 00:05:40,892
because I was getting over pneumonia,
138
00:05:41,095 --> 00:05:43,562
which I got because,
during that swirlie,
139
00:05:43,764 --> 00:05:46,164
turns out I aspirated water
in my lungs.
140
00:05:47,768 --> 00:05:49,568
Well, and presumably urine.
141
00:05:49,770 --> 00:05:51,236
[inhales]
Look--
142
00:05:51,438 --> 00:05:54,039
Archer, I want you to kill me.
I'm sorry?
143
00:05:54,241 --> 00:05:55,841
Well, you should be!
Why the hell
144
00:05:56,043 --> 00:05:57,523
would you say that to the headmaster?
145
00:05:57,644 --> 00:05:59,211
I thought he was hinting at it!
146
00:05:59,413 --> 00:06:02,047
Why would you think that?
147
00:06:02,249 --> 00:06:04,750
When someone uses
the term "exclusive"
148
00:06:04,952 --> 00:06:06,585
to describe something,
what are they--
149
00:06:06,787 --> 00:06:07,586
No blacks or Jews.
150
00:06:07,788 --> 00:06:08,920
Wh--
Exactly, so--
151
00:06:09,123 --> 00:06:11,890
Malory, he was Jewish!
152
00:06:12,092 --> 00:06:13,658
That's why I was so confused.
153
00:06:13,861 --> 00:06:15,494
I'm not sure I'm following you.
154
00:06:15,696 --> 00:06:18,163
I'm dying.
Liver cancer, stage four.
155
00:06:18,365 --> 00:06:19,798
I've got maybe three months left,
156
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,680
every minute of which,
the doctors tell me,
157
00:06:21,835 --> 00:06:23,105
I'll spend writhing in agony.
158
00:06:23,225 --> 00:06:24,707
Jesus, Ivy.
Yeah.
159
00:06:24,827 --> 00:06:27,241
Yeah, and honestly
I am too scared to face that.
160
00:06:27,361 --> 00:06:28,726
At first I thought--
161
00:06:28,846 --> 00:06:30,591
but...
162
00:06:30,711 --> 00:06:32,277
What about good old pills and vodka?
163
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,379
Life insurance won't pay out
on a suicide,
164
00:06:34,581 --> 00:06:37,021
and I'm not going to cheat my
wife out of ten million dollars.
165
00:06:37,184 --> 00:06:39,718
No, I guess they--
but I can't, um--
166
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,454
You can, though.
Please, I'm begging you,
167
00:06:42,656 --> 00:06:43,856
don't make me go through that.
168
00:06:44,024 --> 00:06:45,390
Can't you go
to Switzerland, or--
169
00:06:45,592 --> 00:06:46,858
No, no, but you can.
170
00:06:47,060 --> 00:06:48,360
You can open a Swiss account
171
00:06:48,562 --> 00:06:50,082
with the $100,000
I'm going to pay you.
172
00:06:50,164 --> 00:06:52,364
I-- Ivy, I'm not
a hit man, I'm a--
173
00:06:52,566 --> 00:06:54,132
A father, a father who'd like
174
00:06:54,334 --> 00:06:56,535
a space at Country Day for his...
175
00:06:56,737 --> 00:06:58,870
I guess, what, mulatto bastard?
176
00:06:59,072 --> 00:07:01,873
[clears throat] I think technically
she's an octoroon bastard,
177
00:07:02,075 --> 00:07:04,843
but our whole parenting
philosophy is sort of, uh,
178
00:07:05,045 --> 00:07:06,511
post-label?
[chuckling]
179
00:07:06,713 --> 00:07:09,214
Yeah, good luck with that.
Yeah, so how do you wanna die?
180
00:07:09,416 --> 00:07:11,283
[clears throat] Home invasion.
You break into my house,
181
00:07:11,485 --> 00:07:12,951
I startle you, you shoot me.
182
00:07:13,153 --> 00:07:14,886
I assume you have access
to a firearm?
183
00:07:15,088 --> 00:07:17,823
I do, yeah-- But you can't
shoot me in the face.
184
00:07:18,025 --> 00:07:19,524
Or the belly.
Or in the legs.
185
00:07:19,726 --> 00:07:21,293
Why would I shoot you in the legs?
186
00:07:21,495 --> 00:07:22,961
Well I just don't want to suffer.
187
00:07:23,163 --> 00:07:24,363
That's kind of the whole point.
188
00:07:24,398 --> 00:07:26,164
We could do two
in the back of the head:
189
00:07:26,366 --> 00:07:27,606
That's painless, instantaneous.
190
00:07:27,668 --> 00:07:29,701
Have you...
killed people before?
191
00:07:29,903 --> 00:07:32,170
Uh, yeah.
Literally scores of them.
192
00:07:32,372 --> 00:07:35,507
I actually used to be the
world's greatest secret agent?
193
00:07:35,709 --> 00:07:38,543
Oh, before becoming an
unlicensed private investigator.
194
00:07:38,745 --> 00:07:40,745
After a brief stint as a drug dealer.
195
00:07:42,149 --> 00:07:44,282
[clears throat]
Okay, let's do this.
196
00:07:46,053 --> 00:07:47,686
Tonight.
Wait, when? What?
197
00:07:47,888 --> 00:07:50,021
Tonight. Why wait?
I'll be home alone,
198
00:07:50,224 --> 00:07:51,424
and it's the maid's night off.
199
00:07:51,458 --> 00:07:52,858
My wife will be at a fundraiser.
200
00:07:53,060 --> 00:07:54,793
Kids?
I think owls?
201
00:07:54,995 --> 00:07:56,428
Do you have children?
202
00:07:56,630 --> 00:07:58,396
Oh, no. Just a bedroom safe,
203
00:07:58,599 --> 00:08:00,079
which I will conveniently leave open,
204
00:08:00,133 --> 00:08:02,901
and in which will be $100,000.
205
00:08:03,103 --> 00:08:05,237
And a letter of recommendation
for Abbiejean...
206
00:08:05,439 --> 00:08:09,074
Archer-Kane? Kane-Archer?
I'll leave the name blank.
207
00:08:09,276 --> 00:08:11,343
[scoffs] Yeah, I should
probably know that...
208
00:08:11,545 --> 00:08:14,179
[deep breath]
Okay, so where and when?
209
00:08:14,381 --> 00:08:15,947
Malibu, there's my address.
210
00:08:16,149 --> 00:08:17,549
The when I don't want to know.
211
00:08:17,751 --> 00:08:19,751
I'm going to go home,
kiss my wife goodbye,
212
00:08:19,953 --> 00:08:21,553
and then start pounding Armagnac.
213
00:08:21,755 --> 00:08:23,755
Alrighty then,
see ya at like, 10:00?
214
00:08:23,957 --> 00:08:25,690
I don't want to know!
215
00:08:25,893 --> 00:08:28,260
Sorry, sorry.
It won't be 10:00.
216
00:08:28,462 --> 00:08:30,395
Get out. [spooky] Or will it?
217
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:34,266
Get out!
[giggles, chuckles]
218
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:45,398
Have gun will travel
reads the card of a man ♪
219
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:49,201
♪ A knight who is armored
with a savage tan ♪
220
00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:51,491
[door opening] Oh, hey,
good, you got the ammo?
221
00:08:51,611 --> 00:08:53,279
10 rounds, custom made, hand loaded.
222
00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:55,535
32 caliber, hollow point, copper jacketed
223
00:08:55,575 --> 00:08:57,036
fragmentation round.
224
00:08:57,156 --> 00:08:59,127
***
225
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:01,547
No, Jethro Dull, it's for a case.
226
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:04,750
What case? What are you talking about?
And why wasn't I informed?
227
00:09:04,952 --> 00:09:09,722
Calm down, Cyril. It's just a, um,
corporate security evaluation.
228
00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:12,525
Unless you want me
to turn down... ten grand.
229
00:09:12,727 --> 00:09:16,862
Well no, obviously I don't--
wait, why did you hesitate there, on "ten"?
230
00:09:17,065 --> 00:09:20,866
It's a lotta money, Cyril, which I
have to go earn for the agency now!
231
00:09:21,069 --> 00:09:22,702
Wh-- Hey, don't forget
to get a--
232
00:09:22,904 --> 00:09:24,737
Recommendation letter.
Got it. Shut up!
233
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,272
[scoffs]
Ten grand my butt.
234
00:09:26,474 --> 00:09:28,034
I bet Archer's
charging them twice that.
235
00:09:28,076 --> 00:09:30,810
Lana, I want you
to tail him tonight, and--
236
00:09:31,012 --> 00:09:33,979
No, I can't. Okay? Tonight I have
to bake a huge batch of hamentashen
237
00:09:34,182 --> 00:09:35,448
and take them over
to that headmaster.
238
00:09:35,650 --> 00:09:37,650
Wait, what, at his house?
Yes.
239
00:09:37,852 --> 00:09:40,319
That sounds like a really bad idea.
240
00:09:40,521 --> 00:09:43,756
So does minding my business.
[slurping]
241
00:09:45,259 --> 00:09:46,759
And apparently her business
242
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:48,761
is ambiguous,
poorly-worded burns.
243
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,030
Yeah, right?
Okay, so Ray.
244
00:09:51,232 --> 00:09:54,533
I want you to follow Archer
tonight, and-- Oooh, can't.
245
00:09:54,736 --> 00:09:56,802
Why not?
Don't get shitty with me!
246
00:09:57,004 --> 00:09:59,805
Her excuse was hamentashen,
and you didn't even blink!
247
00:10:00,007 --> 00:10:03,442
Since when do you get a free pass
around here just for having a vagina?
248
00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:04,644
Yeah, Cyril!
249
00:10:04,712 --> 00:10:06,345
And also, what is it good for?
250
00:10:06,547 --> 00:10:07,713
What is what good for?
251
00:10:07,915 --> 00:10:10,015
The free pass for havin' a vag.
Duh.
252
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:11,650
I assume we can expect discounts
253
00:10:11,853 --> 00:10:13,293
at local businesses and theme parks?
254
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:16,355
Oh for the-- fine,
I'll do it myself!
255
00:10:16,557 --> 00:10:18,991
Well, good luck with no vagina! Ugh.
256
00:10:19,193 --> 00:10:21,227
[gasps]
Not you, Ms. Archer!
257
00:10:21,429 --> 00:10:25,097
Although... Wh-- She's
obviously got a vagina.
258
00:10:25,299 --> 00:10:28,200
Yeah, probably why
she's such a bitch.
259
00:10:31,472 --> 00:10:32,738
[Archer]
Jesus, really?
260
00:10:32,940 --> 00:10:34,907
A glass house?
[sighs]
261
00:10:35,109 --> 00:10:37,276
Probably so people driving by
have to watch him
262
00:10:37,478 --> 00:10:41,247
bang his model wife on a
mattress stuffed with doubloons.
263
00:10:41,449 --> 00:10:45,017
[chuckles] Not tomorrow, buddy.
Then all they're gonna see is,
264
00:10:45,219 --> 00:10:46,619
well, I guess a bunch of cop cars,
265
00:10:46,821 --> 00:10:49,288
and whatever the coroner drives,
probably a van...
266
00:10:49,490 --> 00:10:52,591
Oh and your wife's car,
since she's--
267
00:10:52,794 --> 00:10:54,593
she's the one who's gonna find you.
268
00:10:54,796 --> 00:10:56,596
But, ya know, who's to say
if that's any worse
269
00:10:56,798 --> 00:10:57,930
than being forced to watch you die
270
00:10:58,132 --> 00:10:59,832
a slow and agonizing
death? Right?
271
00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:02,535
Plus I didn't give you cancer.
272
00:11:02,737 --> 00:11:05,237
Plus you're the world's biggest dick.
273
00:11:05,439 --> 00:11:07,583
Except for maybe Whitney.
Oh, and Hitler.
274
00:11:09,141 --> 00:11:11,078
Plus, I didn't give you cancer.
275
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:14,340
Well, I can't say I blame him.
276
00:11:14,649 --> 00:11:17,750
I'd be getting drunk too,
in his shoes...
277
00:11:17,952 --> 00:11:21,620
I can't imagine what it would be
like to know when you're gonna die.
278
00:11:21,823 --> 00:11:23,255
Or even if.
[snoring]
279
00:11:23,457 --> 00:11:25,925
[sighs] Feel like I
should say a few words.
280
00:11:26,127 --> 00:11:28,093
But none spring to mind.
Okay then.
281
00:11:28,904 --> 00:11:32,264
Archer, you can't
do this... yet.
282
00:11:32,466 --> 00:11:33,766
What if he didn't open the safe?
283
00:11:33,968 --> 00:11:36,101
Where even is the safe?
Dammit...
284
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:41,408
[man yelling]
285
00:11:41,609 --> 00:11:42,975
What the--
[screams]
286
00:11:53,287 --> 00:11:55,287
[yells] What the shit,
Ivy, what are you--
287
00:11:55,489 --> 00:11:56,956
You think I won't [bleep] kill you?
288
00:11:57,158 --> 00:11:58,390
What the-- Whitney?
289
00:11:58,593 --> 00:11:59,925
Swirling?
290
00:12:00,127 --> 00:12:02,094
[pants]
[clears throat]
291
00:12:02,296 --> 00:12:03,296
[ gun fires ]
[screams]
292
00:12:03,464 --> 00:12:05,231
Oh, God! Ow!
293
00:12:06,065 --> 00:12:09,668
[sobbing, whimpering] Oh, shut up.
It's not that bad.
294
00:12:09,871 --> 00:12:12,638
I have no pinky toe!
You asshole!
295
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,007
Hey! I'm not the
asshole here! Whitney!
296
00:12:15,209 --> 00:12:18,844
I'm the guy with the gun! Not
the asshole, with eight toes!
297
00:12:19,046 --> 00:12:21,113
Nine, you-- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
298
00:12:21,315 --> 00:12:23,115
[groans] So, since you're the
only person on the planet
299
00:12:23,317 --> 00:12:26,118
that I'd like to kill more than
Ivy, and since I haven't yet,
300
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,087
why did he hire me to do that?
301
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:29,688
I don't know, he's crazy!
302
00:12:29,891 --> 00:12:31,924
And then maybe, in his paranoid mind,
303
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,526
he thinks that for
the past five years maybe
304
00:12:34,729 --> 00:12:38,797
I've been embezzling from the fund and
also maybe sleeping with his wife?
305
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,065
For five years?
306
00:12:40,268 --> 00:12:42,334
We maybe just had our anniversary.
307
00:12:42,536 --> 00:12:44,737
Hey, congratulations...
Oh, thanks, man.
308
00:12:44,939 --> 00:12:46,739
On still being a massive dickhole.
309
00:12:46,941 --> 00:12:48,674
Okay, so I promised Ivy I'd kill you.
310
00:12:48,876 --> 00:12:50,209
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait!
311
00:12:50,411 --> 00:12:51,651
Look, whatever he's paying you,
312
00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:52,711
I will double it!
313
00:12:52,914 --> 00:12:54,114
Well he's paying
me a hundred--
314
00:12:54,215 --> 00:12:57,316
dammit-- and fifty
thousand dollars, so--
315
00:12:57,518 --> 00:12:58,617
[Cyril] Ahaa!
[both] What?
316
00:12:58,819 --> 00:13:00,686
Ten thousand, my butt!
I knew it!
317
00:13:00,888 --> 00:13:02,688
Are you-- Cyril,
you followed me?
318
00:13:02,890 --> 00:13:04,023
You lied to me!
319
00:13:04,225 --> 00:13:05,824
Yeah, but you didn't know that.
320
00:13:06,027 --> 00:13:08,360
On some level, I think we both did.
321
00:13:08,562 --> 00:13:13,065
Hello, Cyril Figgis, owner and lead
investigator of The Figgis Agency.
322
00:13:13,267 --> 00:13:15,200
How's it going? Trent
Whitney, murder victim.
323
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,735
Would-be murder victim!
324
00:13:16,938 --> 00:13:18,337
I'm sorry,
what-what's happening?
325
00:13:18,539 --> 00:13:20,572
My partner paid him to kill me.
326
00:13:20,775 --> 00:13:23,545
He what? You what? Under
false pretenses, Cyril!
327
00:13:23,665 --> 00:13:25,817
Calm down, I thought
I was killing the other guy.
328
00:13:25,937 --> 00:13:27,564
Why were you killing anybody?
329
00:13:27,684 --> 00:13:29,397
Because I thought he had cancer.
330
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:30,749
And also in prep school
331
00:13:30,952 --> 00:13:33,052
both of them bullied the
absolute shit out of me.
332
00:13:33,254 --> 00:13:36,522
[laughing]
What? Seriously, dude?
333
00:13:36,724 --> 00:13:40,125
You were going to murder me 'cause
I picked on you a little bit?
334
00:13:40,328 --> 00:13:41,894
A little?
You almost killed me!
335
00:13:42,096 --> 00:13:44,196
I spent freshman year
in the hospital!
336
00:13:44,398 --> 00:13:45,764
With what, AIDS?
[chuckles]
337
00:13:45,967 --> 00:13:49,101
Pneumonia!
From what, complications from AI-- Ow!
338
00:13:49,303 --> 00:13:51,103
Jesus Christ.
And if I'm being honest, yeah,
339
00:13:51,305 --> 00:13:53,572
I'm sure the bullying had some
influence on my decision,
340
00:13:53,774 --> 00:13:57,309
but I was actually murdering
you-- well, Ivy-- for money.
341
00:13:57,511 --> 00:13:58,511
And that makes it better?
342
00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:01,246
Money and cancer,
then! Jesus!
343
00:14:01,449 --> 00:14:04,650
But don't tell me you never fantasized
about killing your bullies, Cyril.
344
00:14:04,852 --> 00:14:08,754
[Archer, crying]
Cyril?
345
00:14:08,956 --> 00:14:11,690
Cyril!
346
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:14,526
It puts the lotion in the basket!
347
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:15,894
[Archer] What? What?
348
00:14:16,097 --> 00:14:17,763
What're we doing?
Um, I think Whitney
349
00:14:17,965 --> 00:14:19,631
was about to pay me $300,000?
350
00:14:19,834 --> 00:14:21,800
Not to kill him?
That's extortion!
351
00:14:22,003 --> 00:14:24,903
I know, Cyril, but think of the
alternative. His hands are tied.
352
00:14:25,106 --> 00:14:27,239
And yes, yes, dude, I will pay you,
353
00:14:27,441 --> 00:14:30,743
but the money's not in my house.
It's, it's, it's--
354
00:14:30,945 --> 00:14:33,785
[impersonating Jimmy Stewart] It's in
Tom's house, and-and Bill's house.
355
00:14:33,948 --> 00:14:35,714
And and and and and and and!
356
00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:37,549
Okay, okay, wait, wait!
[keypad pressing]
357
00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:42,054
Dude, check this out. What if I
paid you 500, and you kill Ivy?
358
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:44,223
Mmm, no, I think just the three.
359
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,992
Ivy's a cuckold, betrayed
by his wife and friend.
360
00:14:47,194 --> 00:14:50,262
You're a cuckolding thief, and
between us, clearly an alcoholic.
361
00:14:50,464 --> 00:14:52,331
He's an alcoholic.
He didn't know
362
00:14:52,533 --> 00:14:55,000
he was gonna die tonight, Cyril.
For him it's just Tuesday.
363
00:14:55,202 --> 00:14:57,870
Anyway, you're both so obviously
and profoundly unhappy
364
00:14:58,072 --> 00:15:00,152
with who you became, that
I bet you're both gonna die
365
00:15:00,241 --> 00:15:01,874
in some bizarre
murder-suicide,
366
00:15:02,076 --> 00:15:03,809
and that is reward enough for me.
367
00:15:04,011 --> 00:15:06,311
Yeah. That and $300,000.
368
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:10,082
Yeah. [sighs] Well, you
may be right about that.
369
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:12,384
But I'll tell you this, Swirling.
370
00:15:12,586 --> 00:15:16,655
I shoulda drowned you in piss when
I had the chance, you little fa--
371
00:15:16,857 --> 00:15:18,090
[blood splatters]
[yelps]
372
00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:20,125
Huh.
Jeezy Petes!
373
00:15:20,327 --> 00:15:23,262
Great shot, Archer.
[scoffs] Yeah, right?
374
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,631
But as much as I'd like to
take credit for that...
375
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:26,865
Ahh!
Yeah, right?
376
00:15:27,068 --> 00:15:29,001
Ahh.
Oof.
377
00:15:29,203 --> 00:15:30,469
Who the heck is shooting at us?
378
00:15:30,671 --> 00:15:31,837
[chuckling]
Cyril, c'mon.
379
00:15:32,039 --> 00:15:33,172
It's obviously Ivy.
380
00:15:33,374 --> 00:15:37,676
C'mon, Swirling, where are you?
381
00:15:37,878 --> 00:15:39,311
I bet this was his plan all along.
382
00:15:39,431 --> 00:15:41,856
He follows me,
I kill Whitney, he kills me,
383
00:15:41,976 --> 00:15:44,002
looks like a robbery.
But I thought he had cancer.
384
00:15:44,122 --> 00:15:46,634
No, dummy, that was just a ruse.
385
00:15:46,754 --> 00:15:48,353
But either way, when I had cancer,
386
00:15:48,556 --> 00:15:50,222
I bet I killed, like, 20 guys,
387
00:15:50,424 --> 00:15:52,825
so it's not a death sentence
anymore, is my point.
388
00:15:53,027 --> 00:15:54,193
No, but this is!
389
00:15:54,395 --> 00:15:55,994
Yeah, he almost made the Olympics.
390
00:15:56,197 --> 00:15:57,863
What?
Biathlon, I know,
391
00:15:58,065 --> 00:16:00,432
you think to yourself
"Pretty gay sport," but--
392
00:16:00,634 --> 00:16:02,634
Holy shit!
What?
393
00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:04,670
You think he knows Ray?
394
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,759
Cyril, stop it!
I mean it, hang up!
395
00:16:14,961 --> 00:16:17,595
Gimme, Cyril. Dammit! Get off.
Stop it! Archer!
396
00:16:17,797 --> 00:16:19,497
[Lana] This is Lana Kane.
Leave a message.
397
00:16:19,699 --> 00:16:20,765
[beep] Lana! Lana, we're--
398
00:16:20,967 --> 00:16:22,167
We're fine.
Everything's great.
399
00:16:22,368 --> 00:16:23,768
Bye, hon.
Oww!
400
00:16:23,970 --> 00:16:25,302
Jeezy Petes!
See?
401
00:16:25,505 --> 00:16:26,704
I told you not to call her.
402
00:16:26,906 --> 00:16:28,372
Well, we can't call the police.
403
00:16:28,574 --> 00:16:30,408
No, uh, this does not look good.
404
00:16:30,610 --> 00:16:31,810
Wonder why she didn't pick up.
405
00:16:31,944 --> 00:16:33,144
[Lana]
I can explain.
406
00:16:33,346 --> 00:16:35,212
What, why you're stalking this guy?
407
00:16:35,415 --> 00:16:37,665
Stalking?
It's just hamentashen!
408
00:16:37,884 --> 00:16:39,383
Okay. You wanna
explain this?
409
00:16:39,585 --> 00:16:41,585
[sigh] You got a license for that?
410
00:16:41,788 --> 00:16:43,721
Well, I'm a private investigator,
so-- [officer laughs]
411
00:16:43,923 --> 00:16:45,489
Got a license for that? [laughs]
412
00:16:45,692 --> 00:16:48,492
Well, not, um, you know,
technically, but-- No.
413
00:16:48,695 --> 00:16:51,929
All you got is baby pictures,
a Sub Club card and...
414
00:16:52,131 --> 00:16:55,433
what appears to be a very
crudely-drawn "vagina pass."
415
00:16:55,635 --> 00:16:57,034
[groans]
416
00:16:57,236 --> 00:16:59,870
Okay, so call Ray, on your cell!
417
00:17:00,073 --> 00:17:01,405
I can't.
Why not?
418
00:17:01,607 --> 00:17:04,385
After the whole biker
voicemail fiasco...
419
00:17:04,505 --> 00:17:06,045
Mother took it away.
What?
420
00:17:06,165 --> 00:17:07,924
What are you, 9 years... Ow!
421
00:17:08,044 --> 00:17:09,896
Haha! Ow!
Haha! Ow!
422
00:17:10,016 --> 00:17:12,016
Shut up! And then you call Ray.
423
00:17:12,218 --> 00:17:13,651
Cyril, why aren't you calling Ray?
424
00:17:13,853 --> 00:17:16,087
Because I don't have a mobile carrier.
Why not?
425
00:17:16,289 --> 00:17:19,190
I've been comparison shopping
for the best rate plan.
426
00:17:19,392 --> 00:17:21,692
For three months? There are
literally two companies!
427
00:17:21,894 --> 00:17:23,728
What the hell can
you possibly be comparing?
428
00:17:23,930 --> 00:17:25,050
Their respective rate plans!
429
00:17:25,231 --> 00:17:27,431
Wow. Okay, so if we
live through this,
430
00:17:27,633 --> 00:17:29,934
which I wouldn't bet
on, I-- Wait, shut up!
431
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:31,402
[sniffs]
Do you smell that?
432
00:17:31,604 --> 00:17:33,037
Oh, my God, did you shit yourself?
433
00:17:33,239 --> 00:17:34,939
No, that!
[sniffs]
434
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,475
Oh that. Yeah, that's gas. What?
435
00:17:37,677 --> 00:17:39,877
A round must've clipped
the gas line to the stove.
436
00:17:40,079 --> 00:17:41,779
Oh my God.
Yeah, not great.
437
00:17:41,981 --> 00:17:43,981
Even a tiny spark--
438
00:17:44,183 --> 00:17:45,883
And we're dead.
439
00:17:46,085 --> 00:17:47,918
So while you're getting the
money out of the safe-- What?
440
00:17:48,121 --> 00:17:49,286
No, nuh-uh! There's
nothing between
441
00:17:49,489 --> 00:17:50,889
the safe and the bullets! [gun fires]
442
00:17:50,923 --> 00:17:52,757
There's me.
I'm gonna draw his fire.
443
00:17:52,959 --> 00:17:55,760
I'm gonna make a run for the car.
Meanwhile, you clear out the safe!
444
00:17:55,962 --> 00:17:58,863
Okay, but-- Wait, what's to keep
you from just leaving me here?
445
00:17:59,065 --> 00:18:00,598
Wha-- The money,
you idiot!
446
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,234
Oh right, that makes-- What?
One, two, three, go!
447
00:18:03,436 --> 00:18:05,369
[yelling]
448
00:18:05,571 --> 00:18:08,239
Ahh.
[gun firing]
449
00:18:08,441 --> 00:18:11,308
Seriously.
That must be so sticky.
450
00:18:11,511 --> 00:18:14,044
Son of a-- Can't have anything nice.
[car revs]
451
00:18:14,247 --> 00:18:15,379
Cyril, let's go!
452
00:18:15,581 --> 00:18:16,781
Hang on! There's--
453
00:18:16,983 --> 00:18:19,250
Cyril! I swear to God
I will leave you!
454
00:18:19,452 --> 00:18:21,585
[car revs]
Ah. Ooh.
455
00:18:21,788 --> 00:18:25,422
[yelps]
Archer, wait!
456
00:18:25,625 --> 00:18:27,158
[groans]
457
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:28,959
Oh, good.
You made it.
458
00:18:29,162 --> 00:18:32,096
[tires screeching] In
the-- In the safe he had
459
00:18:32,298 --> 00:18:34,298
all this stuff
from-- from--
460
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:35,533
[frustrated groan]
461
00:18:36,702 --> 00:18:38,869
Holy shit!
Jeezy Petes!
462
00:18:39,071 --> 00:18:42,006
Dammit! Should've gone
to the owl thing.
463
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:43,290
[Archer]
What?
464
00:18:43,509 --> 00:18:44,675
[tires screeching]
465
00:18:44,877 --> 00:18:45,943
Longwater!
Just like the--
466
00:18:46,145 --> 00:18:47,425
The Veronica Deane case, I know.
467
00:18:47,547 --> 00:18:48,779
What the hell was in the safe?
468
00:18:48,981 --> 00:18:50,714
Files, disks, all kinds of stuff!
469
00:18:50,917 --> 00:18:52,983
And you just left it?
You left me!
470
00:18:53,186 --> 00:18:55,319
No, I merely tried to!
471
00:18:55,521 --> 00:18:58,722
Hey, Swirling!
472
00:18:58,925 --> 00:19:00,491
Wow, think of how good
you'd have to be
473
00:19:00,693 --> 00:19:02,126
to make the Olympic--
What the?
474
00:19:02,328 --> 00:19:03,328
Cyril, what're you--
475
00:19:03,362 --> 00:19:06,931
Suppressing fire!
476
00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:08,165
[firing blanks]
477
00:19:08,367 --> 00:19:10,501
[chuckles]
478
00:19:10,703 --> 00:19:13,871
So, do you have more bullets, or...
[gun fires]
479
00:19:14,073 --> 00:19:16,540
No.
Oof!
480
00:19:16,742 --> 00:19:20,180
Cyril, I am so mad at you right
now, my mouth tastes like copper.
481
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:22,483
Well, but are you actually mad at me,
482
00:19:22,603 --> 00:19:23,603
Yes!
or...
483
00:19:23,702 --> 00:19:27,300
- the bullies who tormented a scrawny
teenage boy with no friends? - You!
484
00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:29,587
Because I find it interesting
that you were bullied in school,
485
00:19:29,805 --> 00:19:31,355
and now as an adult you're a bully.
486
00:19:31,557 --> 00:19:33,237
Do you want to talk
about how you bully me?
487
00:19:33,426 --> 00:19:34,692
I do, Cyril.
I really do,
488
00:19:34,894 --> 00:19:36,427
but I'm afraid I'll tear up,
489
00:19:36,646 --> 00:19:38,729
and then not be able to see the road
490
00:19:38,931 --> 00:19:41,632
and then plunge us off the cliff,
and then if you're still alive,
491
00:19:41,834 --> 00:19:44,902
strangle you to death with
my bloody and broken hands!
492
00:19:45,104 --> 00:19:47,104
I also find it interesting that you,
493
00:19:47,273 --> 00:19:50,024
Sterling Archer, man without fear,
are running away from your bully.
494
00:19:50,243 --> 00:19:53,110
Because Cyril Figgis,
man without sense,
495
00:19:53,312 --> 00:19:55,012
wasted all the ammunition!
496
00:19:55,214 --> 00:19:56,447
[tires screeching]
Well, but I
497
00:19:56,649 --> 00:19:58,048
think in a much larger sense
498
00:19:58,251 --> 00:20:00,351
you've been running from
those two your entire life.
499
00:20:00,553 --> 00:20:03,854
And whether it's your personal
relationships, or-- [yelps] Archer?
500
00:20:04,056 --> 00:20:06,840
Take the wheel, dummy!
And you!
501
00:20:07,043 --> 00:20:08,125
Me what?
502
00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:09,627
[roars]
503
00:20:09,795 --> 00:20:11,629
How you like that, Ivy?
[groaning]
504
00:20:11,797 --> 00:20:15,015
Fighting somebody bigger and
stronger than you? Crazy, right?
505
00:20:15,218 --> 00:20:20,304
Imagine what it was like for a
lonely, skinny 13-year-old kid
506
00:20:20,506 --> 00:20:23,807
who'd been to six different
boarding schools since he was five!
507
00:20:24,010 --> 00:20:26,510
Hint! It wasn't great!
[groaning]
508
00:20:26,712 --> 00:20:30,147
[yelps] Yeah, just gonna
give them some space,
509
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:32,283
do the good old
"three Mississippi."
510
00:20:32,485 --> 00:20:35,319
[both groan] But I hope it
was great for you, Ivy,
511
00:20:35,488 --> 00:20:37,655
because your bullying days are over!
512
00:20:37,823 --> 00:20:40,991
Go ahead, Swirling!
Shoot me!
513
00:20:41,210 --> 00:20:44,161
Oh, huh-uh, you don't get
to take the easy way out, Ivy.
514
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,964
You're going to jail!
Well, you say that.
515
00:20:47,166 --> 00:20:48,933
Whoa!
516
00:20:49,135 --> 00:20:50,301
Archer!
517
00:20:50,503 --> 00:20:51,802
[tires screeching]
518
00:20:52,004 --> 00:20:55,339
[tumbling]
519
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:59,510
Oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God, Archer!
520
00:20:59,712 --> 00:21:01,145
Yes, what? Shut up.
521
00:21:01,347 --> 00:21:03,514
Oh, my God, how are you still alive?
522
00:21:03,716 --> 00:21:05,416
Jumped out at the last second, Cyril.
523
00:21:05,618 --> 00:21:07,751
The same kind of
split-second decision-making
524
00:21:07,954 --> 00:21:10,821
that caused you to leave
a bunch of clues in the safe!
525
00:21:11,023 --> 00:21:12,423
Idiot!
Ow!
526
00:21:12,625 --> 00:21:14,959
Did you learn nothing from this?
527
00:21:15,161 --> 00:21:16,961
[chuckles]
No.
528
00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:26,307
So listen, I know you've had
your heart set on AJ going to Country Day,
529
00:21:26,547 --> 00:21:28,347
but I've really given it
some serious thought,
530
00:21:28,549 --> 00:21:29,950
and I'm not sure
it's the best thing for her.
531
00:21:30,190 --> 00:21:32,640
I know all kids can be bullies,
but at private school
532
00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:37,011
it seems like there's even more, I
dunno, elitism or snobbery or whatever.
533
00:21:37,214 --> 00:21:40,815
So I really want us to think about A.J.
going to public school.
534
00:21:41,034 --> 00:21:43,785
Because studies have shown
that if a child's intelligent,
535
00:21:43,987 --> 00:21:47,071
and I think A.J. really is, then it
doesn't matter where they go to school.
536
00:21:47,290 --> 00:21:50,458
It's much more important that
learning is fostered in the home
537
00:21:50,660 --> 00:21:52,627
by loving and supportive parents.
538
00:21:52,829 --> 00:21:54,229
[horn blasting]
539
00:21:54,431 --> 00:21:55,797
Plus with the restraining order,
540
00:21:55,999 --> 00:21:57,966
you can't go within
500 feet of the school,
541
00:21:58,168 --> 00:22:00,835
which means I'd be stuck doing
drop-offs and pick-ups every day.
542
00:22:01,037 --> 00:22:03,805
Which, ya know, not doing that.
543
00:22:04,007 --> 00:22:06,841
Anyway, so keep your
chin up, or down I guess.
544
00:22:07,043 --> 00:22:08,643
Shapiro's at your
bail hearing right now,
545
00:22:08,778 --> 00:22:10,278
so you'll be out of here before...
546
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,447
Um, dammit. Um...
547
00:22:12,649 --> 00:22:14,482
You trying to think
of a lesbian joke?
548
00:22:14,684 --> 00:22:17,852
No, hair joke.
Something about braids?
549
00:22:18,054 --> 00:22:21,689
Ah, no, it's gone. Okay stay hard!
What?
550
00:22:21,892 --> 00:22:25,937
Archer! Can you at least put some
money on my canteen account?
551
00:22:26,228 --> 00:22:27,801
No!
552
00:22:27,921 --> 00:22:32,072
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com